Four slices of "Pie" Ala DVD

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well with Three cinematic successes of American Pie under Universal’s belt, how could they keep the success going? By taking the franchise into the realm of Straight to DVD territory. (Show title cards of the straight to DVD “American Pie” movies. Cut to clips of all four straight to DVD “American Pie” movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
These four movies try to continue where the first three movies left off in telling teen hijinks with sexual mishaps. Would they be able to continue and enhance the legacy of the movies that came before them? Well given the history of Universal’s Straight To DVD material, I’m not looking forward to quality work. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
And before we begin, Spoilers, they’re going to flow like the fluids that have essentially kept this franchise going on so many levels. I will also be doing these in rapid fire succession! So, let’s start with “American Pie: Band Camp”. (Cut to title card of “American Pie: Band Camp”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: Band Camp” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So remember Stiffler’s little brother in the first two movies? Yeah, he’s now as horny and pathetic as his older brother.  How Pathetic? He tries to out gross his older brother and fails spectacularly. And as punishment must spend the Summer in Michelle’s Band Camp where she had her sexual awakening and found love for Jim there as well. Will Stiffler’s brother somehow evolve beyond being his brother and find love with a band girl played by Arielle Kebbel and deal with Jim’s dad once again played by Eugene Levy? Well, you have to see the movie as to experience the disgusting and surprisingly the heartwarming parts of this movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And as quickly as a pie could get made, we get a unique continuation and a sequel with “The Naked Mile”  & “Beta House”(Cut to title card of “American Pie: The Naked Mile” and “American Pie: Beta House”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: The Naked Mile” and “American Pie: Beta House” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And this time we look at believe it or not while Jim’s dad is still here we have Stiffler’s cousins who have to now go through an event known as “The Naked Mile” as they try to get through it they find themselves in the same type of scenarios Jim Levinstein should’ve suffered during his tenure with the Pie. But because this movie like “Band Camp” was successful this movie had what could be closest to an actual continuation in it’s own story “Beta House” as the Stiffler Cousins continue their shenanigans as they take on their rivals “Beta House” especially when it’s discovered that one of the Stiffler’s love interest might not appear as what she claims she is. While that’s going on Jim’s dad is head of a Collegiate Olympics between the fraternities? Will Beta House win? Will the house that the Stiffler’s have win? You’ll just have to see them both to see how gross the collegiate life of a Stiffler truly is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
However it was by this point that the quality of the Straight to DVD Pie movies were starting to go down to in quality. However, since they are Straight To DVD the quality is never going to be as good as the theatrical stuff but regardless they were able to churn out one last slice with “American Pie: The Book Of Love” (Cut to the title card of “American Pie: The Book Of Love”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: The Book Of Love” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Essentially a rehashing of the First “American Pie” but this time involving different characters apart from the fact that a Stiffler Cousin is here…AGAIN, however, thankfully he’s not the center of the movie and of course Jim’s dad again but this time the story also focuses on repairing and restoring “The Bible” from the first movie after it suffers from damage from shenanigans. Will our four friends and Stiffler cousin learn from The Bible? Will “The Bible” be restored to its glory and help those who need it? Well again you’re going to see it to understand it and hope that you can not get that upset from what is a piece of pie that sadly goes stale quickly. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was the problem, the formula went so stale so quickly that it doesn’t surprise me that these movies aren’t as good as the theatrical ones. (Cut to clips of all four straight to DVD “American Pie” movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But that’s not to say that these movies have nothing redeeming about them. A lot of the acting from actors like Bug Hall, Brandon Hardesty, the Aforementioned Arielle Kebbel, Jason Earles, Robbie Amell, Italia Ricci, Rachel Skarsten and Beth Behrs is memorable but for the sake of good taste watch them at your discretion because by “Beta House” you’ll find yourself getting sick from this much Pie! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But who knows, maybe after that the idea of American Pie returning to the big screen could be something good! (Show clips of “American Reunion”. Cut to James physically) This one maybe the one that breaks me!

A slice of "Wedding" Pie

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James dressed in a tuxedo in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. I’m wearing a Tuxedo because, well this slice of pie, happens at a Wedding. Which of course means all sorts of jokes from… you know what? I’m going to try to keep “The Room” jokes and references down to a minimum. Instead, I will try to use references to other movies released around that time. I mean what other movie was released around the same time…(Cut to a poster of “Gigli” as a dramatic sting plays. Cut to James getting ready to run for his life as Julia Alexa Miller drags him back in by the seat of his pants)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Okay, if you can get through this without making a reference to “The Room” and as few mentions of “Gigli” as you can then maybe, just maybe I’ll reward you with (Whispers something in James’ ear which makes James smile)

TLOTA:
LET’S DO IT! (Cut to title card of “American Wedding”. Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This is the slice of Pie that took down “Gigli”!  What made this movie so successful outside of being made to take on the Worst movie ever? What could happen as Michelle and Jim walk down the Aisle? How can Stiffler be more of an ass? Can Finch find someone a little more age appropriate? How much more gross out humor will they shove in? (Cut to James in a tux his office)

TLOTA:
Let’s see if this slice of pie is can be as good as the other two, this is “American Wedding”! (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The movie opens as Jim and Michelle are on a date celebrating graduating from College and Jim has something big on his mind and for the first time it isn’t sex! As Jim talks about the fact they live with his parents and probably knowing Jim he and Michelle are in “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” and in the middle of this date, Jim’s dad informs Jim he left a ring back at his place and he’s coming with the ring. Stalling until his dad arrives, Michelle decides to pleasure Jim in the restaurant right in the middle of that, Jim’s dad comes in with the ring but as it is with Jim comes at the most inopportune time as Michelle overhears something and Jim’s dad embarrasses him as he is… yeah, Censoring everything below Jim’s waist here and just to ensure the little dignity he has left the top of him as well. After that Jim asks the big question, the question that changes lives, permanently! (Show Jim proposing marriage to Michelle. Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover) We soon see Jim being congratulated by Finch and Kevin with the happy news. But where’s Oz? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I guess he had better things to do than to congratulate his friend on his upcoming nuptials for… (Show poster of “The United States Of Leland”. Cut to James physically) Nothing I saw. (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As a matter of fact, Heather, Jessica, Nadia and Vicki aren’t in this one either, Where the hell were, they? (Show posters of “Devil’s Pond”, “Van Wilder” and “My Boss’s Daughter” and James says “Okay, never saw those, Where’s Jessica?”. Show posters of “Die Mommy Die” & “Party Monster” and James says, “Never seen those either, Okay Heather, where was she?”. Show poster of “Trauma” and James says, “Seriously? Where was Nadia at this point? I’d really like to know…”. Show poster of “Love, Actually” and James shouts “OH COME ON?! YOU GUYS COULDN’T SHOW YOURSELVES AT A WEDDING?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH AT LEAST THREE QUARTERS OF YOURSELVES, TARA REID I SADLY KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER!” Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next day, everyone comes to congratulate Jim and Michelle when… (Show Stiffler as he enters, and James says “Right on Cue and as big a horny ass Stiffler is! Seriously, He’s getting restraining orders the same way the Cullens from “Twilight” has graduation caps! “. Show clip of Edward as he says, “Uh yeah, it’s a private joke, we matriculate a lot!”. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yes people, I just made a reference to “Twilight”! This is not a good mental sign for me! (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Michelle’s parents arrive, their dogs have their way with Stiffler and Jim! Hoping to start fresh Jim and Michelle continue to feel good about their wedding, Stiffler discovers Jim and Michelle are getting married which of course means Bachelor party and for Stiffler means more of a reason for him to be an asshole and hopefully for our sake be locked up for the rest of his life having to sleep with one eye open and praying his bunkmate doesn’t want to weave up and down the Hershey Highway. At any rate, Jim continues to try and patch things up with Michelle’s parents. Meanwhile Stiffler forces himself into the wedding by showing Jim how to dance because Jim dancing is a plot point in this movie. Jim however decides if Stiffler is going to be at his wedding to Michelle, Stiffler better tone his actions and attitude down to zero otherwise Michelle will kill him and she doesn’t mean it as a Euphemism, Michelle will literally beat the living man crap out of him and mount his privates on her mantlepiece. The only caveat for Stiffler acquiescing is that he gives Jim the most fowl and disgusting Bachelor Party since the movie “Bachelor Party”. Meanwhile to get Michelle’s dress it’s off to Chicago and to a bar to find Leslie Sommers. As the others look for Leslie, Stiffler goes bar hopping at a Gay bar while there an associate of Leslie by the name of Bear played by Eric Allen Kramer. Stiffler and Bear have a dance off to find Leslie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m getting a little exhausted right now, there’s only so much I can take. We’ll be right back!

(The scene fades to black before cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Stiffler wins the dance off, Leslie reveals himself and says whatever Michelle’s dress she wants, she’s got it no questions asked. Meanwhile Bear helps with the Bachelor Party. And Michelle’s sister Cadence played by January Jones stir a romantic rivalry as to who will win her. Stiffler or Finch. (Cut to James physically as he puts on a dealer’s cap)

TLOTA:
Okay People, who do you think will win, betting begins, Now! (Cut to Team TLOTA as they all shout who’d they think will win and Julia Alexa Miller looking at everyone and wondering what’s going on as her whistle shatters glass.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What is going on? Are you guys seriously betting on who will win the heart of Cadence? (James walks over to Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
It was meant to be a funny joke that I do but since you said that, I am now forced by Internet Creator Guild laws to use this clip. (Cut to the clip of The Joker shouting “If you have to explain the joke, THERE IS NO JOKE!”. Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh, okay, put me down for neither at a hundred dollars.

TLOTA:
Okay.  (The others look on and sigh in disbelief and walk away. Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Finch tries to overhear their conversation as Michelle tells her sister she can’t explain love! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! YOU’VE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A DUDE WHO AFTER EMBARASSING HIMSELF TIME AND AGAIN BETWEEN PUTTING HIS DICK IN A PIE, EMBARASSING HIMSELF ON-LINE AND CAUSING THE FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT TO BE SENT BACK TO HER HOME COUNTRY, GETTING HIMSELF SUPERGLUED TO HIMSELF AND A PORNO, FOR LACK OF A BETTER TERM, WHO TROMBONED HIMSELF TO BE WITH YOU , GIVING UP THE WOMAN HE THOUGHT HE WANTED FOR YOU AND YOU CAN’T EXPLAIN LOVE?! (Cut to clip of Linkara having a mental breakdown in his review of “Maximum Clonage”. Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover) Ugh, at any rate, Stiffler see Cadence as well and wants nothing more than to bone her. So, what to do? Change his appearance and attitude just to get into bed with her. But spoilers, it’s still Stiffler which means he’ll do something so infantile, so disgusting that anything he does will come back to kick his ass and leave him a pathetic broken pile of garbage with no hope whatsoever and I will have NO sympathy for him WHATSOEVER! As a matter of fact Stiffler weasels his way into the Wedding even further as Jim and Michelle see what he’s doing around Cadence and Michelle’s family and if Michelle isn’t happy, even though they had plenty already, it means that Jim ain’t getting any on the honey (Singing): Moon! (Talking): As the two give him the only chance he’ll get. Stiffler and Jim continue the dance lessons and they talk about of all things shaving the hair down there for that optimum effect. Meanwhile the battle for Cadence continues as Stiffler tries to up the intelligence and Finch goes to the bottom of the barrel! There are not enough pillows for me to scream into for how STUPID this is that it works in Finch’s favor! Meanwhile the Pre-Wedding jitters hit Jim, just as Kevin, Finch and Stiffler have Jim’s Bachelor Party when Michelle parents come in unexpectantly with Jim not that far away because they made a turkey dinner for Michelle’s Family and Jim! (Cut to the “UHF” audio clip of Gedde Watanabe shouting “STUPID! YOU’RE SO STUPID!” at a still of Kevin, Finch and Stiffler! Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover) Bear hides in plain sight as a part of the help around here. Meanwhile the strippers decide to play hide the anal beads. I’m just glad this was made in 2003 and not when Jared Leto was “The Joker”. The maid stripper comes out as a maid and Stiffler says that all of this was his idea and it went wrong. Surprisingly Michelle’s parents forgive the whole gang! I now present this image! (Show clip of Alec Baldwin in “30 Rock” as he pours a drink with the words “This drink is for all those who are in pain right now from watching this movie” over the clip! Cut to the movie as James does his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now the gang head upstate as the hijinks continue and preparations for the wedding intensify and tensions are ramped up big time and as someone whose seen this happen twice already with my brother marrying my sister in law and my sister getting married to my brother in law, I’ve seen people in my family crack like eggs! And in the case of Stiffler it means waiting for a dog to crap just to get the Ring Michelle’s mom entrusted to Stiffler and Jim’s grandmother not approving of Michelle because she’s not Kashrut! While that goes on, Jim decides to clean himself, down there and the results are a cake that no one can ever eat! Meanwhile Cadence discovers the real Stiffler after Stiffler ruins the floral arrangement by shutting off the power to the refrigerators to get a bottle of champagne to get Cadence liquored up then bang her like a drum. Pissed off at that, Cadence tells Stiffler to drop dead while Jim and Michelle boots him out of the wedding! Then in a moment nobody watching this movie would expect, Character development for Steven Stiffler as he grabs the florist and the entire football team that he was coaching as a job to recreate the floral arrangements. He even makes Jim’s grandmother forget certain things like how much she doesn’t care for Michelle by… (Show clip of Stiffler and Jim’s Grandmother. Cut to James physically as he  looks disturbed to the point of total disgust , takes off his glasses and then the sound of “The Crying Game” plays as James runs out of the room, Julia Alexa Miller sees it, shouts “Oh Mein Gott!” and follows James. As The song plays James and Julia collectively toss their cookies, Brush their teeth with violent vigor, Stick clean plungers on their faces, toss their cookies then toss their clothes and every single “American Pie” movie in a barrel filled with a flammable liquid then console themselves in a fetal embrace in the same bathtub as both shout and cry “NO! NO!”. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So after…. (shudders) Jim thanks Kevin, Finch and even Stiffler for all they’ve done. Finally, after what feels like an eternity of mishaps, escapades, and all sorts of disgusting things that’d make Tom Green heave his regurgitated lunch, Jim Levenstein and Michelle Flaherty exchange vows and make it legal. As everyone celebrates cue Stiffler’s mom to come by just to give Finch more of a complex problem and the movie ends with the two of them in a bathtub for two. Jesus Christ forgive me for what I just saw! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Because for as much as I wanted to enjoy this one, Yeah, this was just a rough slice of pie to sit through. (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad film, it was just a hard one to sit through one time. The acting is good, the story moves at a fair pace and it felt like a natural ending point for these movies. But the gross out humor took me out of the movie and lest I forget (shudders). Quite honestly, if you enjoyed this one, L’Chaim! But this was just one slice of pie that left a bad taste in the mouth! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And to save myself some time, next week four mini reviews of the Straight-To-DVD fare! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to comfort Alex after what she’s been through!

"Pie" slice number "2"

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well after the success of the first movie, Universal saw dollar signs in that there pie and decided to take a second slice! (Cut to title card of “American Pie 2”. Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“American Pie 2” continues the adventures of Jim, Oz, Stiffler, Kevin and the rest of the gang as they take a summer break after their first years in college, see if the feelings they have for one another is real or was just a flaky crust filled with lies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let’s see if this slice is as good as the first one, this is “American Pie 2”. (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Our movie opens in college as Jim and a lady friend as he tries to continue his sexual escapades just as Jim’s parents played again by Eugene Levy and Molly Cheek  surprise him in mid-escapade leading to Jim’s dad dropping the beer, Jim becoming embarrassed, Jim’s mom to drop a pie (NOT THAT KIND! GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTERS) And Jim’s lady friend’s father to come in and nearly kill Jim.  After our opening credit, we see Oz studying as Stiffler continues to be as annoying as anyone like him would be. After getting through a final exam for the year Oz picks up Heather and Kevin joins them. Back with Jim, as he is staying with his parents in what fans of this franchise has called “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” as his thoughts turn to his friends and Nadia. Jim’s dad tells how he found out about the Nadia incident through the PTA and how he and Jim’s mom did it for the first time. After that Finch, Jim, Kevin and Oz meet at their hangout as they talk about their conquests in their freshman college year, which I would not divulge even to my friends. Meanwhile Stiffler is fast tracking himself to devolving into a Quagmire knockoff! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Seriously dude, someone needs to call SVU and give him a hard way to go! AGAIN, HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTERS! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim is reminded of The Nadia incident again, Oz must say goodbye to Heather, While Heather and Vicki return just in time to come to Stiffler’s party. As Kevin and Vicki try to reignite some old sparks, Stiffler tries to return Oz to his old chauvinistic self and Finch is creepily perv stalking Stiffler’s mom! However old wounds are opened as Stiffler catches Finch in the act and nearly kills the dude! Not long after that Stiffler decides to woo a teenager with as Chris Jericho has been known for saying as of late (Cut to Chris Jericho saying, “A Little Bit Of The Bubbly!” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) However one Patron can’t hold his piss and long story short Stiffler gets a Golden Shower instead of the lady he was into at the party! As the cops breaks the party up. Kevin and his brother talk about how he feels somewhat disconnected from the other and Kevin’s brother decides to help by getting him a lake shore place so that he, Jim, Finch and Oz can spend the summer with each otherer and bond. Just as that goes on Nadia got back into the country legally, I hope, and gets a chance to talk to Jim and Nadia is coming to meet him at the end of the summer! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well Jim, you’re boned! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Worried he might not be able to get it done, AGAIN! Oz and Finch try to reassure Jim he’ll be fine just as Kevin gets the cabin and hope for the best this summer. However, leave it to Stiffler to join them and make it hard for them to enjoy said summer. Kevin lays out some ground rules and hopes Stiffler and Finch can remain in neutral corners. As the five set themselves up in their cabin, Kevin gets them a summer job. Meanwhile Jim thinks of Michelle as he stalks her by going to her band camp! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay this movie is close to getting restraining orders from EVERYONE on my team! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim finds Michelle teaching Flute to some campers, Jim asks if he was any good, Michelle says he was not! OUCH! However, Michelle decides to get Jim to stay incognito and wouldn’t you know it, Summer Camp hilarity does NOT ensue as Jim is given a trombone, mistaken for someone named Petey and can’t play for crap and blows it. I swear I think a title they floated around was “Jim Levinstein’s Life as an embarrassing and never ending spiral of shame and sadness, leading to him eventually killing himself taking down a perv named Steve Stiffler in a van down by the river” But went with the American Pie moniker because it was simpler! As Kevin sets up a party in which the guests are 99% male and 1% female. But leave it to Stiffler to try and add more ladies to the party which surprisingly works. After that Jessica and Stiffler talk about the opposite ends of “The Rule Of Three” whatever that means! The five pie guys discover ladies live in the house they’re painting. Meanwhile Heather and Oz quickly discover that distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder so get that through your heads humanity and they hit the rough shores of Phone sex as the two are cockblocked by Stiffler! Speaking of Stiffler, he tries to prove his theory right by searching through their house and wouldn’t you know Jim, Stiffler and Finch are busted and forced to kiss and the fact they get busted as it’s heard throughout town! Even worse, Stiffler’s theory of them being Lesbians is blown out of the water! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
TO EVERY LGBTQ PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE, THE GALAXY AND BEYOND AS A HETEROSEXUAL MALE WHO IS INTO WOMEN AND A REPUBLICAN WHICH MEANS, IN THE MAINSTREAM NEWS/MEDIA, I, THE “ENEMY” OF YOUR EXISTENCE ONE HUNDRED TRILLION, DECA-QUADRILLION PERCENT MEAN WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY! I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS MOVIE FRANCHISE’S EXISTANCE! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Stiffler tries to make up for their mishaps, his mother calls to tell she’s going to be in town for the party and Jim invites Michelle to the shindig and to wonder why she left. Her rational? It was a date and that was it, there was nothing more to it! (Cut to Naked Gun 33 & 1/3 head slapping scene. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover) As Michelle tries to give pointers to Jim it appears the two are getting closer to an actual romantic relationship! If that happens, I’ma calling “Ripley’s”! Meanwhile our friends continue their plans for the party Jim mistakes Super Glue for personal lubricant and with one hand on his junk and the other on a porn tape! Seriously Jim, your life is a series of mishaps that end with you getting drunk and killing yourself in a van down by the river! After that Jim now questions how messed up his life is! But the fact that James’ dad has his back is a positive. After that, Heather and Oz continue to sail on rough waters on the relationship. Just as that goes on Nadia surprises Jim by arriving a week early. Coming up with a plan quickly Michelle and Jim begin a fake romance which quickly and surprisingly start to become real even though he tries to still hook up with Nadia. (Cut to James physically as he takes off his glasses)

TLOTA:
Jim, you have got to be the BIGGEST SCHMUCK ON THE PLANET! WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU HAVE A BAND CAMP GIRL THAT OKAY YOU STALKED BUT STILL SHE’S GIVING YOU THE TIME OF DAY AND WILL ROCK YOUR SOCK OFF TO JUPITER AND BACK! ANY GUY, EVEN A POOR HAPLESS JACKASS LIKE ME WOULD WALK BAREFOOT, BUCKNAKED AND BACKWARDS THROUGH HELL FOR THAT! YOU PUTZ! I TAKE BACK ANY SYMPATHETIC NOTION I HAD ABOUT YOU AND I MEAN EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF MISERY YOU BRING UPON YOURSELF TO THE POINT YOU WIND UP OFFING YOURSELF IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER! Okay, now that I got that out of my system, let’s get back to work (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim and Michelle fake break up so he can hook up with Nadia, Michelle discovers something she never felt, real emotions for Jim outside of knowing he’s the embarrassment of his graduating class and she honey potted him! But no time for that, it’s party time. Kevin loses Vicki to a date, Nadia sees that Jim loves Michelle more than her and basically says “GET HER BACK YOU SCHMUCK!” after telling Nadia his band camp story and he realizes his feelings for Michelle, Kevin decides to move on past Vicki, Stiffler’s little brother actually arrives not Stiffler’s mom and tries to hook up with older women but Stiffler puts him on Police patrol but finds himself with the fake lesbians on the radio, Finch tells ladies about tantra, Heather and Oz reunite after a summer apart, Sherman and Nadia surprisingly hook up! The fake lesbians arrive, and Stiffler says he’ll do anything for them, just as Michelle performs her solo Jim arrives trombone in hand and the two fall in love right there and then! And I immediately regret my rant. As the party ends everyone finds themselves in the best point in their lives. And as the Summer ends Stiffler’s mom arrives and before you can say “Stat Rape level 2” She and Finch drive off into the sunset! What a way to end the second movie?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was “American Pie 2” and as a sequel it’s no “Empire Strikes Back” but when it comes to raising the bar in its own universe, it didn’t need to do that much. (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While I did find parts of it interesting, like the continuation of where the story started and most of the character development is positive though I wish we got some explanation as to why certain characters are like. Say why Michelle just seems to be so dismissive towards men’s advances. Or why Stiffler continues to act like a high school jackass, even though he’s in college. Plus, much like the first movie, it shows its age quickly. However, despite my problems with it, I do find it entertaining. A Popcorn flick for those who are 18 and over but otherwise not the worst movie in the franchise. A good second movie in a series and I don’t think it will be forgotten any time soon.  (Cut to James as he hears a knock on the door)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller opens the door and walks in)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So how much longer do you have before you’re done. (Julia Alexa Miller walks to James)

TLOTA:
I’ve got two more theatrical releases and the four straight-to-DVD films.  But you know something, I’ll take a break until next month to continue with the rest of this!  (James and Julia Alexa Miller kiss)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So what’s the plan for what we have coming up?

TLOTA:
Well I’m thinking for the first time in years I wait until Feb. 15^th to continue (Audible gasps are heard) There’s a reason why! Let’s just say I’ve got for the first time in a long time to celebrate Valentine’s Day. So, see everyone on the 15^th, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!

The First Slice of "American Pie"

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. In 1999, apparently there was a list of movies that were meant to be a good substitute for watching “Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace” and near the top of the list was a little known movie called “American Pie”  (Cut to the title card of “American Pie” then clips from the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This movie somehow became the biggest sleeper hit 1999. But how did that happen and how did it become a successful enough franchise to have so many movies. Well from starting now until March we’re going to look at all of them. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since there are eight movies, including the Straight to DVD stuff, I’ve got no time to waste let’s dive right in with our first slice of “American Pie” (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
All right we’re quickly introduced to young Jim Levinstein played by Jason Biggs as he tries to alleviate himself while watching scrambled porn on Cable, So, yeah here’s where everything shows its age because had the filmmakers waited, he could’ve… Well… I hate to do this but well… (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Paulo? Nick? Eric? John? Mike? Andrew? Ed? (Cut to the Door as Paulo, Nick, Eric, John, Mike, Andrew & Ed show up and Join James)

Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, John Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion (In Unison):
We’re ready. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Let’s do this! (James stands up and the instrumental of “The Internet Is For Porn” play as they sing Trekkie’s lines)

Men of Team TLOTA (Singing In Harmony):
The Internet is for porn! The Internet is for Porn! Why do you think the net was born? Porn! Porn! Porn!

TLOTA:
Okay, now we got that out of our systems. Let’s move on! (James grabs the right side of the review pulling in the clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim tries to go to bed, his mom played by Molly Cheek and his father played by Eugene Levy discover he’s watching something more adult than what he lets on. After that bit of embarrassment, we soon meet Oz played by Chris Klein and for the record, I’m not making the jokes you think I would with something like this it’s called decorum.  While Oz and Jim talk about well what Hollywood thinks teens talk about we’re soon introduced to Kevin played by Thomas Ian Nicholas and Vicky played by continual Internet Reviewer fodder for a train wreck of a career Tara Reid as apparently Vicky got into the college of her dreams, Kevin is worried he might lose her to some College hunk! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Dude, trust me, you will thank your lucky stars it won’t work out! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
We’re soon introduced to several other character like Jessica played by future “Blade Trinity” victim Natasha Lyonne and Michele played by constant second banana Alyson Hannigan as we see their day to day lives. We also meet Finch played by Eddie Kaye Thomas as he and apparently everyone is psyched about a party at Stiffler’s and speaking of Stiffler, we soon see him in all his obnoxious glory played by Sean William Scott. As they prep for Stiffler’s party we hear about how “Third Base” is like Apple Pie. Not a good analogy but what do I know? Meanwhile at Stiffler’s party we’re introduced to Nadia played by a young Shannon Elizabeth as a character named Sherman is looking to get some. Meanwhile as Jim makes contact to Nadia and fails faster than you can say Hindenburg! Stiffler in the meanwhile tosses Michelle and her friends in band from the party. Just as Oz’s date with his College date basically shuts him down with College intellect when it comes to dating! As Jim and Oz bemoan how they tanked with their women, Kevin and Vicky get their moment ruined by Stiffler until he notices a certain cup of brew with a certain fluid and faster than my buddy Rowdy can grab his barf bucket, Stiffler drinks Beer skunked with Splooge then blows it in every way possible. I apologize for being so crude, but if the movie isn’t going to be subtle, I can try to be a little better than the material unless I must be graphic. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Trust me it’s not gonna get easier for me as this goes on. I’m going to take a break, watch something more intellectual like the latest Law & Order SVU episode.

(The scene fades to black before cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Not long after that we’re soon introduced to the acronym “MILF” which of course means “Mother I’d like to… (Cut to clip of Olivia Benson from the “Law & Order: SVU” Season 10 episode as she says “Oh, I know what it means” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) After Kevin blows his chance with Vicky, we cut to the next day as the four of them make a pact to lose their virginity by Graduation. (Show clip of “The Pact”. Cut to James physically as he laughs)

TLOTA (Laughing while talking):
Oh you four, you stand about as much of a chance of getting some as me watching the New York Jets winning the Super Bowl, but we’ll see come this fall. (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So yeah, the four lay down the ground rules for their pact and they prepare in any way they can as we see… WAIT A SECOND! (Record scratches as the footage stops) JIM HAS A COMPUTER IN HIS ROOM?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I…DID… AN ENTIRE CHORUS OF “THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN” FOR FRICKING NOTHING?! One moment! (Cut to James as he walks out of his office as he passes by The ladies of Team TLOTA who have complaints and James walks by them grabbing their written complaints, reading them, heading down the stairs and a loud “F” Bomb is exploded as a Church Organ off-screen drowns out the impact of it, James comes through the door a lot more calm and walks past the ladies of Team TLOTA)

Rebecca Yaun:
Damn! That was the loudest profanity I ever heard, while I wasn’t in bed with Nick! (The other ladies look at Rebecca. Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Kevin tries to get back with Vicki we discover Oz has joined the Chorus and notices Heather played by Mena Suvari as well as seeing an untapped resource for well (Cut to clip of Batman Returns as Max Shreck says “Unlimited Poon tang!” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) While that goes on Jim’s dad decides to share his own “Stash” of rather adult material and some unnecessary advice. Trust me when I say Jim’s dad is not subtle though because it is Eugene Levy, he does his best to make the material funny! Meanwhile A young girl is enamored with Finch and Kevin offers to help her out. Also, apparently talking to his brother Tom played by Casey Affleck about his situation with inherits the rights to use what is known as “The Bible”? What is “The Bible” outside of the good book in church? Apparently, it’s a special book filled with tips and tricks on how to land the right woman! (Cut to James as he scoffs)

TLOTA:
As if that works! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile we get the moment that this movie is known for. (Cut to clip of Jim putting his privates into an apple pie, then cut to clip of “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” as Jason Biggs complains about how he’s known for putting his privates into an apple pie! Cut back to the movie as Jim puts it in the Pie and Jim’s dad says “Well, we’ll just tell your mother that, that we ate it all” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well folks, that’s one way to ruin a pie! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Kevin becomes more knowledgeable thanks to “The Bible”, Oz shows off his Lacrosse skills to Heather and the two start to get more intimate and Heather asks Oz to the prom. Meanwhile Kevin makes up for his stupidity by making Vicky well… (Cut to Kevin making Vicki Orgasm and Kevin popping up as signs of him getting certain STDs every time he pops up while making her Orgasm. Cut back to the movie as James does his voiceover) As Jim’s dad continues to tiptoe through the minefield on a Pogo Stick with the subtle advice. Jim finally talks to Nadia and invites her back to his place for studying. Meanwhile Oz apparently blows it with Heather. Just as that goes on, Jim blurts out that he could post them being on the internet. Again, I went through the whole “Internet is for Porn” gag already. In the meanwhile, Oz decides to get back into Heather’s good graces by Volunteering to sing a duet on Saturday with her. (Cut to clip of Captain America: The Winter Soldier as The Falcon tries to outrun the destruction of the Triskelion and screams “NOT AN OPTION!” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) You see he has big game on that day, what to do? No time for resolution now as we get… (Show clip of Nadia as she gets undressed and everyone enjoys it. Cut to James as he walks away and goes into the Kitchen of the Studio, sipping on some Hot Chocolate when Julia Alexa Miller walks in)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Hey James, how’s the review going? (Cut to James sitting with a cup of Hot Chocolate.)

TLOTA:
In a word, Disastrous! (Julia Alexa Miller walks over to James)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Talk to me… Please.

TLOTA:
Okay, lets say you had a crush on someone when you were younger, You discover there is nothing between yourself and your crush, then you see something that reminded you why you fell for your crush in the first place, is it wrong to have the feelings you had then where you are now?

Julia Alexa Miller:
Totally lost

TLOTA:
It’s American Pie and I’m seeing the infamous Webcam moment of Nadia as played by Shannon Elizabeth and she’s undressed!

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh I see, and you had tried not to think of it.

TLOTA:
Exactly because for me when I want a relationship, I want to touch someone through their Minds and Hearts first, then go for the rest of the body.

Julia Alexa Miller:
That’s a great way of trying to get through to someone the right way, but even you had urges, still do, don’t ya?

TLOTA:
Yeah, I mean she probably doesn’t look as good as (Show image of Shannon Elizabeth 2020 and James says “WOW!”. Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller) Look, if you’re okay with me well having those urges but knowing I have you, it’s all good, right?

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, so get back to the review. (James and Julia Alexa Miller kiss and James walks away to leave Julia Alexa Miller to look at Shannon Elizabeth)

Julia Alexa Miller:
If I weren’t with James, I’d go for her no questions asked. (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Sure enough, Jim apparently sent the Webcam address to every student in the body to see Nadia’s body and is embarrassed when Nadia forces him to Strip! This goes as well as expected. (Show clip of Jim stripping, cut to clip of “Fairly Oddparents” as the entire planet shakes from laughter. Cut back to the movie as James does his voiceover) As it looks like Jim is about to blow Nadia, he shoots himself in the foot and Nadia begins to leave when he tries the rough advice his dad gave and then… (Show clip of Jim being shown Nadia’s Nether region and everyone reacts with a “Holy Shit”, Cut to a clip of “Suburban Knights as Joe & Paw shout “HOLY SHIT!”, cut back to the movie as James does his voiceover) After blowing it again, Jim is now the laughing stock of the school, Hell even Charlie Brown is laughing at this poor schmuck! But enough of Jim’s humiliation, we continue as Oz practices his singing in hopes to make it to both the big game and the concert! As that goes on, Nadia is deported back to her homeland Michelle goes on about Band Camp and Jim figures she was the only one not to see him shoot himself twice with Nadia and asks Michelle out. Meanwhile Oz and Heather’s relationship continues to deepen while Stiffler strikes out with someone who wants Finch. Which we discover his reputation is a fabrication of Jessica’s imagination. After that, we discover that Stiffler slipped in a little laxative into Finch’s Coffee drink and well (Show clip of Finch going to the bathroom in the girls room in the school and audio of James screaming as he relieves himself and the smell drives out the girl and Finch humiliated by Stiffler. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover) After that Vicki and Kevin’s relationship hits the rocks and apparently Kevin can’t tell Vicki he loves her because he’s waiting for it to be Perfect. (Cut to clip of George Takei saying, “You are made of Stupid!”, cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover) As that happens Heather has come up with a back up partner should Oz miss the concert and wouldn’t you know it, Oz gives up the game to be at the concert for Heather (A group of people go “Awe!” while that happens. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) As everyone prepare for Prom night and the party afterwards. We see Finch sad and alone, while the other couples find themselves enjoying their company. Jim says the pact is done when Finch and Jessica dance in each other’s company and Sherman is exposed to be a fraud. OUCH! Soon enough everyone’s ready to party the night away at Stiffler’s Lake house. Meanwhile Michelle tells Jim about the One time which I must censor for the sake of decency! (Show clip of Michelle as she says, “And this one time at Band Camp I… [Cuckoo tweets drown out the rest of Michelle’s Story] and Jim spit takes” Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Soon after that, Finch and Stiffler’s mom played by one of the funniest women on the planet Jennifer Coolidge hook up, as does Kevin and Vicki. Heather and Oz, and as for Jim and Michelle. (Show clip of Jim being manhandled by Michelle, Heather and Oz enjoy themselves as does Kevin and Vicki, Stiffler is shocked by his mom being with Finch. Cut to the end of the movie as James continues his voiceover) The following morning Kevin and Vicki decide to part ways, Thank your lucky stars Kevin on that one, Jim realizes Michelle used him and played him like a fiddle, Stiffler reacts as one would when he sees a friend hook up with his mom and our group of friends talk about how they’re ready for that next step and our movie ends with Jim stripping down to “One Week” and Nadia seeing it on a webcam. I truly do wish that things get better for Jim as these movies go on. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
So that was “American Pie” and despite certain things that shows its age, it holds up! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The acting is good, the story while having moments where I had to question my quality moved well enough for my liking and in some weird way it made me feel nostalgic for some time that in reality never really happened and I appreciate a lot of the characters arcs and stories. If you want something that while crude has some quality, I highly suggest you check it out and see how sweet this slice of pie truly is. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
So that’s one down and about three more Theatrically and four Straight to DVD movies to go and next time, we’re going to the second slice which will be… (James looks at his schedule) GADZOOKS! NEXT WEEK! I got work to do! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and See you next week!

Top 10 TLOTA Moments of 2019

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. You know something 2019 was trying to kill me, in more ways than one! (Cut to clips of certain clips from reviews from "The Last Of The Americans" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Between having to escape from my old studio after a mob of John Cena fans surrounded the studio wanting my backside, then being forced out by the landlord because raised my rent and I can honestly say I wasn't surprised after all I've done there, I nearly died in a foreign city in the past, Not to mention all the delays which nearly cost me dearly and not to mention time and space nearly being destroyed. I barely made my quota as an Internet Reviewer, However, I did have something good happen which may affect next year lord willing and the crick don't rise! While everything came together quickly, everything was delayed to well personal reasons. Mainly the fact I've been having family issues as my brother having suffered a stroke a few months into this year and didn't make it to the end of the year. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

But even though they have slowed me down, I still did this year's work and got it in by some grace of god, I've got my five and five from my viewers. (James pulls out his morpher and De-Morphs back to James Faraci)

James Faraci:
So here we go The Top 10 TLOTA Moments of 2019

(Scene begins as James Faraci pulls out of a card with the statistics of The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 then cut to James jumping down a cliff from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci landing and fully morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans basic mode with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Black Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James fighting alongside the 2017 Power Rangers, 2016 Ghostbusters and warriors of Wakonda from “Avengers: Infinity War” at the 0:13 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:14-0:17 show Rebecca Yaun as Wonder Woman and Nick Yaun as Steve Trevor charging the screen before cutting to John and Mike Santos peeling out in The DeLorean From “Back To The Future” before cutting to the 0:17-0:19 mark as it shows Paulo & Brenda Fonseca taking a joyride in KITT from “Knight Rider” in Super Pursuit Mode before cutting to the 0:20-0:28 mark as we see Eric Kurtzke, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach flying the USS Enterprise from “Star Trek” (2009) and Olivia Horvath flying The Orville as it cuts to the 0:28 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James stands on top of his Time and Space device and tosses his sonic screwdriver then cuts over to multiple clips from “The Last Of The Americans” reviews moments of 2018 as the Sonic Screwdriver flips end over end as the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” and on top of the slab are the words "Top 10" and on the bottom of the slab of 2019" The Number appears as the title card becomes slightly out of focus and James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Number 10
(Cut to clips of "Connect The Plots: Birds Of Prey & Gotham" as James does a voiceover)

10) Connect the Plots: Birds Of Prey & Gotham

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Yeah while the ending of it set up something better on the list this to me was basically a filler and I hate doing a filler review. I want to leave my audience more sustained with better knowledge on subjects than I did before hand and while yes seeing both series was a chore, I got through them and thanks to some ideas I had, I came up with review, I got it done and I am glad. However to my surprise, people actually liked it! They were amazed at what I had done even though it was not my best work. I guess the audience knows a lot more than I give them credit for and I give them the credit for being that intelligent. To that I thank everyone, but again for me, not my best, but I am glad everyone enjoyed this. (Fade to black. Cut to the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” .The Number appears as the title card becomes slightly out of focus and James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Number 9
(Cut to clips of "The "World" according to "Spice"" as James does a voiceover)

9) The "World" according to "Spice"

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Admittedly, I needed a bad movie that I enjoyed, that hasn't aged well and it was something so bad that it deserved the reviewing it rightfully deserved. It wasn't until I was at the Supermarket when I heard the song "Stop" by The Spice Girls when I had a Primate touch Monolith in Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey" moment. Their only big cinematic outing. Fortunately a friend of mine who also helped me with what was at the number five spot had a copy of the movie and as we watched we reminisced about what it was like for us when we were younger and we also talked about a certain site which has become so toxic that we had to do something to the trolls that support them! And this movie was just right to use as the forum to let those Jackasses have it with both barrels. The end result a satisfactory review with enough power.

(Show ending of "The "World" according to "Spice" as the troll defending "C.A." and gets  bombed by the Flaming bus wreckage. Fade to black. Cut to the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” .The Number appears as the title card becomes slightly out of focus and James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 8
(Cut to "The Room For "Venom" as James does a voiceover)

8) The Room for "Venom" 

James Faraci (Voiceover):
From the second I saw Eddie and Anne, the setting of San Francisco a flood of jokes from "The Room" hit me like a ton of water! It was so awesome, I also wanted to show my musical abilities in the opening by making a musical video something in the same vein as Alice Cooper's "Poison" video and I thought it was good. However, I think I had a little too much fun because if I were to show you the blooper reel from this review, it'd take quite a while to get through. Plus I needed to set up the one review, I thought and hoped would be at Number One but unfortunately, I felt while it is list worthy, I felt I would be dishonest for what happened from a behind the scenes perspective to put it at number one. But I digress, For me this was a fun review and the fans were glad I did it better than a certain bald headed Jack-Ass from Chicago and to me it will be a personal best.

(Show ending to "The Room for "Venom".Fade to black. Cut to the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” .The Number appears as the title card becomes slightly out of focus and James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 7

(Cut to different reviews with John Cena)

7) Cena Warrior Actor & Reality Checkout: Wrestling With Wreality

James Faraci (Voiceover):
This was one idea that I had worked with my friend and team mate Renee Miller who is not only an Uber Fan of WWE but also John Cena. I informed her of my idea back in November of last year. While the movies and storyline was awesome for the Cena Trilogy, I also decided to talk about certain things involving either WWE or John Cena. Specifically the XFL and The Reality Series WWE support. And in the case of a certain series involving the Bella Twins it allowed me the opportunity to just go for Cena's throat especially seeing him sabotage a perfectly amazing relationship.  (Show clip of James taking off his glasses and going for John Cena's throat!) Yeah, it had been building up in me since he asked Nikki for her hand in marriage back in WrestleMania 33 all the way through the break up between Cena and Nikki. And it pissed me off so much that if I didn't say something I think people would've been wondering what my thoughts on what happened  for a long time. But for me the best/craziest moment was in the Blockers Review. When I was watching Kayla's eyes pop out of her head when she had that drug laced Macaroon, I paused it and automatically had a Vietnam flashback to when Judge Doom revealed himself to be a Cartoon. Not just any Cartoon, The toon that killed Eddie Valliant's Brother. I had nightmares about that moment for years and while the nightmares subsided and I got to enjoy the moment. But when Kayla had her cartoonish eyes, I was taken back to being a kid scared by Judge Doom. Good enough for me to put it up on the list.

(Fade to black. Cut to the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” .The Number appears as the title card becomes slightly out of focus and James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 6

(Cut to Clips Of "Aladdin and The Six Year Stretch" as James does a voiceover)

6) Aladdin and The Six Year Stretch

James Faraci (Voiceover):
The fact the 2019 movie exists is a surprise in itself so when I incorporated it towards my anniversary as much as I incorporated the 1990's animated classic. Okay while I took some liberties and what not from a story point in terms of my character, I thought about making some changes which is what I planned for a while, like a change in location. Thankfully everyone took to the new studio idea like a duck in water. I also liked how interesting I was able to take the story of the 2019 movie and tell the pros and cons of them and find the classic version the better one. And personally I was glad to get it out.

(Cut to the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” .The Number appears as the title card becomes slightly out of focus and James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 5

(Cut to clips of "Live to win in the "Endgame" as James does a voiceover)

5) Live to win in the "Endgame"

(Cut to James physically)

James Faraci:
Let me explain why it is here instead of the number one spot where I had HOPED it would be. I disqualified it from that position because I didn't get a chance to see the movie until literally back in September when it had reached the home market. I actually had a friend of mine go and under penalty of death forced me to not reveal either the friend's identity but also the ending to the movie.(Cut to clips of "Live to win in the "Endgame" as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
I feel so guilty for not watching it in theaters and having to rely on someone who had seen it and gone by that person's thoughts that I thought of not putting it on the list at all but I did tell certain people and they said to me, "Release it and then come clean later" I wish I had come clean about it sooner. Nothing left to say except I await the Karmic Bitch slap I rightfully deserve from it and... (Cut to the clip where The Avengers "A" Logo misses him and his destroyed desk and James shouts "GODDAMNIT!" and James' voiceover says "Indeed" Fade to black. Cut to the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” .The Number appears as the title card becomes slightly out of focus and James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 4

(Cut to clips of "Law & Order: SVU" as James does a voiceover)

4) The Longest editorial I EVER did on Law & Order SVU

James Faraci (Voiceover):
This editorial nearly killed me, I had to sit through two decades worth of one series! But thankfully I got through it to make it just in time for the 21st season premiere and so far the 21st season has had it's hot and cold moments, which I might go into next year. But I also enjoyed a lot of the seasons as a fan of the series and while some people had commented that the series has been on 21 seasons longer than it should be. However I wanted to thank the series for all these years of entertainment and serialized drama. While I hope the series does continue for a few more seasons, I do feel it has survived rollercoasters of good and bad seasons but if it continues on, I will do a mini-review if I think of it. But again the editorial is just as great as I could do

(Fade to black. Cut to the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” .The Number appears as the title card becomes slightly out of focus and James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 3

(Cut to clips of "A Not so strong "Supergirl" co-written by KiraKennedy)

3) The Supergirl 1984 Crossover with KiraKennedy

James Faraci (Voiceover):
I am ETERNALLY beholden to KiraKennedy, He is an awesome dude, while I had originally planned a review of the Live Action Kim Possible Movie. We eventually came to try and see if we could do the 1984 Cult Cheese Fest known as "Supergirl" which as I have stated was an idea that was aborted from "Superman III" in past reviews. What makes this one so high on the list was how much fun me and KiraKennedy had while working on this. The whole Coconut gag was a callback to my first review "The Even Stevens Movie" and the Demonically High Face of Kayla and putting it on the Shadow Demon from this turkey is a callback to the "Blockers" review and I was glad that people were in on how much fun this bad movie was that for me. I was so glad everyone loved this review. And all I can say to thank everyone is... (Show clip of James and KiraKennedy going on about a coconut. Fade to black. Cut to the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” .The Number appears as the title card becomes slightly out of focus and James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Number 2

(Cut to clips of "Clerks" of A New Order & The Work Of "Clerks" as done by Jerks as James does a voiceover)

2) "Clerks" of A New Order and The Work of "Clerks" as done by Jerks 

James Faraci (Voiceover):
I wanted to celebrate the 25 year career of one of the greatest Indie Directors to never have won an academy award in his entire career. For me the best way was to do anything to do him justice. One idea was a failed pilot that was so loosely based on the movie that it didn't surprise me how badly the project failed to re-capture the magic. Originally I had a top 10 best moments of "Clerks" planned but that never panned out because it would've been following the story of the movie beat for beat. Thankfully the movie "Clerks II" was there and I knew it was up until "Jay & Silent Bob Reboot" the last time I'd be seeing "Jay & Silent Bob" and the View Askewniverse ever and I truly wanted to say to Kevin Smith, Thank you. I only hope he heard me. 

(Cut to the ending of "The Work of "Clerks" as done by Jerks" Fade to black, Cut to James as he pulls out a card with the statistics of The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 then cut to James jumping down a cliff from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci landing and fully morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans basic mode with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Black Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James fighting alongside the 2017 Power Rangers, 2016 Ghostbusters and warriors of Wakonda from “Avengers: Infinity War” at the 0:13 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:14-0:17 show Rebecca Yaun as Wonder Woman and Nick Yaun as Steve Trevor charging the screen before cutting to John and Mike Santos peeling out in The DeLorean From “Back To The Future” before cutting to the 0:17-0:19 mark as it shows Paulo & Brenda Fonseca taking a joyride in KITT from “Knight Rider” in Super Pursuit Mode before cutting to the 0:20-0:28 mark as we see Eric Kurtzke, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach flying the USS Enterprise from “Star Trek” (2009) and Olivia Horvath flying The Orville as it cuts to the 0:28 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James stands on top of his Time and Space device and tosses his sonic screwdriver then cuts over to multiple clips from “The Last Of The Americans” reviews moments of 2018 as the Sonic Screwdriver flips end over end as the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” .The Number appears as the title card becomes slightly out of focus and James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
And THE Number One moment of "The Last Of The Americans" is...

(Cut to The Different Cuts of: X-Men Days Of Future Past as James does a voiceover)

1) The Story/ending of The Different Cuts: X-Men Days Of Future Past

James Faraci (Voiceover):
I knew I had an idea for how I wanted to add a story showing how my life would be if I lost everything except for my Internet Reviewing persona. Plus by late November last year, I was writing the first draft of the script of the movie I've been wanting to make Tie-Ins for the movie for a while and I knew I had to do a Different Cuts. It was just right for all the elements for both versions of "X-Men: Days Of Future Past" and having that all come together makes it worthy of the only spot I thought it deserved especially with how things with my "Avengers: Endgame" review happened to make it unworthy of the number one spot. Put this one as the Number One moment of The Last Of The Americans in 2019. And people are excited for what will happen in 2020. (Cut to the moment in the ending of the Different Cuts of  "X-Men: Days Of Future Past" as the scene has faded to black Julia Alexa Miller says“Oh My God! James!” The words “To be continued in 2020… In… “The Last Of The Americans: The Movie”. Cut to James physically)

James Faraci:
Now with the exception of the movie, what else can you expect besides more great reviews, Top 10s and all my other content? Well... (James morphs back into "The Last Of The Americans")

TLOTA:
Then let me give you a clue.... (James pulls out an Apple Pie and uses his thumb to point at his shirt and his pinky at the pie) Want some pie? I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.