Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Day Of The Hero Part 3

(Scene starts with the Twin Queen Mary Of Scots looking at Spoony who is holding the Fez when a whole bunch of people are screaming and a loud thud is heard that scares Spoony and he drops the Fez)

Mary Queen Of Scots (R): Who are they?

Spoony: Think I know at least 95 % of them. (All of them groan and moan in pain as they discover their old friend.) Critic, Film Brain, Sage, Marzgurl, Benzai, Joe, Nash, Linkara, all of you guys!

Nostalgia Critic: Spoony?!  (Both Spoony and everyone else save for James looks at each other for a few seconds and everyone save for James embraces Spoony)

Rowdy: Hey James, come on over!

TLOTA: One sec, I got clean my Fez, he touched it and it feels dirty for some odd reason.

Spoony: Oh really, who in the hell are you?

TLOTA: You want to know who I am? I am James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. (James looks at his watch five seconds pass before Spoony laughs uncontrollably.) Hmm New record.

Spoony: For what?

TLOTA: How long it'd take before someone laughed at me. Mostly it take 30 seconds before uncontrollable laughter.

Spoony: Well I'm sorry your handle is lame!

TLOTA: Oh My handle is lame? Ooh look at me I'm Spoony, I can say whatever I want, I'm invincible! WHOOPS! Someone call the National Sex Offenders Registry someone didn't notify the neighborhood that a perv was coming!


TLOTA: When someone makes a joke like that I don't find it funny as should anyone!

Mary Queen Of Scots(L): I hate to interrupt but these people may be associates of yours can help you out of our situation.

Spoony: Uh guys can we huddle up! (Everyone huddles up with James next to Rowdy.) Guys one of them is a Duplecon.

Nostalgia Critic: A wha?

Spoony: Duplecon, I let Insano off the leash and now I've got to clean up this mess.

Linkara: How?

Spoony: I don't know?

Benzaie: May I suggest something?

Spoony: I'm all ears!

Benzaie: One go one way, the other go the other way and then hopefully the real one will head for the castle to get a troop of guards.

Cinema Snob: That's not a bad idea. (Everyone agrees.)

Spoony: Okay one of you two head for the castle and the other one head the opposite way.

Mary Queen Of Scots(R&L): Of course my love!

Mary Queen Of Scots (R): Be careful, We will be wed! (Mary Queen Of Scots kisses Spoony Impassionedly)

Mary Queen Of Scots (L): Our reign shall great and we will live the rest of our days together. (Mary Queen Of Scots kisses Spoony Impassionedly and the two go two different directions as a hole in the sky opens up)

Lea Michele (Audio only): James, Guys! (Cut to Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, Naya Rivera, Malcolm Ray, Tamera Chambers, E-Rod, President Baugh and Mara Wilson physically looking into the hole)

Lea Michele: Where did you guys land? (Cut to everybody else.)

TLOTA: Well, judging by the fact we saw Mary Queen Of Scots AKA Bloody Mary I'd have to say Scotland uh guys when are we at?

Spoony: 1560

TLOTA: Thought as much. 1560! (Cut to Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, Naya Rivera, Malcolm Ray, Tamera Chambers, E-Rod, President Baugh and Mara Wilson physically looking into the hole)

Chris Colfer: There sounds like there's another voice with you. Who else is there with you? (Cut to everybody else.)

Everyone except for James: A Friend!

Spoony: My name is Spoony!

TLOTA: And he's a perv!(Cut to Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, Naya Rivera, Malcolm Ray, Tamera Chambers, E-Rod, President Baugh and Mara Wilson physically looking into the hole)

Spoony (Audio only): OH FUCK YOU!

TLOTA (Audio only): Fuck you!

Spoony (Audio only): FUCK YOU!

Naya Rivera: Enough, Is there any way you can make it back through the same hole?(Cut to everybody else.)

TLOTA: It's risky but I'm going to try something. (James grabs Fez) Are you guys ready?

Tamera Chambers (Audio only): As we'll ever be!

TLOTA: Okay here we go! FEZ AWAY! (James tosses the Fez through the hole) ANYTHING ON YOUR SIDE?(Cut to Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, Naya Rivera, Malcolm Ray, Tamera Chambers, E-Rod, President Baugh and Mara Wilson physically looking into the hole)

Malcolm Ray: Afraid not!(Cut to everybody else.)

Nostalgia Chick: So now what do we do?

TLOTA: I've got an idea, everyone grab a sonic screwdriver if you don't have one off of me and point it on the hole, it could reverse the polarity and pull us in! (Everyone grabs a Sonic screwdriver and aims it at the hole.) Anything yet? (One by one everyone says no until Brad says yes, wait no)

Spoony: Well if everyone is reversing another one of our reversals I think the polarity is confused now.

TLOTA: Great, So now what. (A hand picks up the Fez as the scene cuts back to everyone else.)

Hero (Audio only): Did anybody drop this? (A hand holds out the Fez and James takes it and then throws the Fez away as the camera pans to discover Hero with everyone else.)

Hero: I am apparently here to help. Do you need my assistance?

TLOTA: Well any port in the storm. (A Fleet of soldiers come as the hole opens back up)

Soldier: What have you done?

TLOTA: Oh that it's a wibbly wobbly timey wimey thing!

Hero: Timey What? Timey!....Wimey?

Linkara: Don't look at us pal, he's the uber-geek amongst us!

E-Rod (Audio only): Hey you guys all right?

TLOTA: Are we talking to the voices of time?(Cut to Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, Naya Rivera, Malcolm Ray, Tamera Chambers, E-Rod, President Baugh and Mara Wilson physically looking into the hole)

Mara Wilson: I think he's talking about you guys!

E-Rod: No shit Sherlock! Okay everyone. (Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, Naya Rivera, Malcolm Ray, E-Rod make ghostly wails)

Tamara Chambers: Foolish mortals leave these men be or you will be erased from existence!(Cut to everybody else.)

Nostalgia Critic: You heard it, Your asses would be gone! You would not exist!

Mary Queen Of Scots (Audio only): I think not! (Mary Queen Of Scots enters as the squad of soldiers kneel before her.)

Spoony: You might want to be careful that may not be the Queen, it could be a genetic monstrosity duplicating her!

TLOTA: And you can take his word for it, he probably banged her like a drum!

Spoony: Shut up!

TLOTA: Seriously anything with female organs he'll do it, even a goat!


TLOTA: All right, I demand immediate incarceration with my associates and of course Big Chin & The Smiling Pervert!

Hero: Big Chin?


Hero: Oh yeah? Smile! (Spoony smiles) Yeah, you're a pervert! (Spoony sighs as scene cuts to Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, Naya Rivera, Malcolm Ray, Tamera Chambers, E-Rod, President Baugh and Mara Wilson physically looking into the hole)

E-Rod: So just to recap, my friends are trapped in a fourteenth century prison, we can't get there without being stuck ourselves. We have to get there.

President Baugh: I think I know where you can get that type of technology. If you'll get to the elevator. (Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, Naya Rivera, Malcolm Ray, Tamera Chambers & E-Rod walk to the elevator while President Baugh & Mara Wilson are a few steps behind as two limbs grab President Baugh & Mara Wilson into a shaded place and then the two walk out acting a little different.)


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Day Of The Hero Part 2

(Scene starts inside a war room where a mighty leader of all the armies of Caliverti look at all the reports.)

General Alonzo: How many casualties have there been so far this day.

Soldier: Close to a thousand casualties so far and over half a million have paid the price to protect Caliverti. But that's not the worse news. HE has taken The Apocalator!

General Alonzo: I've heard of this "Apocalator" it was based on a device made a century ago called the Ragnarokor by a madman known as Tharagan but someone refined it to the point it had obtained a conscience and a morality. (Scene changes to a field of grass as Hero walks through there)

General Alonzo (Audio only): Whoever has that weapon is going to have to deal with what is inside of it and themselves. (Hero continues to walk through the field of grass)

Hero (Audio only): Citizens of Caliverti, Invading Vikings from afar, I say this to all involved in this pointless shed of blood, I end this not in anger or fear. But with knowledge that what I do is not for the greater good but because there is no other option. It ends today, NO MORE! (Hero finds an abandoned farm house and walks in revealing "The Apocalator" when a knock is heard and Hero walks over to the door and turns to see "Ma-Ti" on top of The Apocalator.)

Hero: Hey get off of that! It's a weapon not a piece of furniture. (Hero grabs "Ma-Ti" and throws him out. Camera cuts to see "Ma-Ti" back on The Apocalator and Hero screams in surprise) What are you doing here? (The Apocalator hums and Hero once again throws "Ma-Ti" out again and prepares to activate it.) OW! The interface is hot!

Conscience: Well, I don't consider myself that. (Hero looks at "Ma-Ti" on the stack of crates.)

Hero: Who are you?

Conscience: Didn't you know?  The Apocalator had a conscience. Hi!

Hero: You're the conscience of this thing? Didn't expect you to look like...

Conscience: Like the way I do? It's from the memory of someone you knew in the past or from someone you'll know in the future.

Hero: I have no future.

Conscience:  Maaaaa Teeeee! No wait that body had been reduced to ashes and put into an oatmeal can AND had merged with..... THE PLOT HOLE! (Conscience's eye glow blue and voice has an echo) Tell me Hero are you afraid to look into the hole?

Hero: Don't call me that. (An explosion happens and a hole opens behind them) WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD & HOLY HAVE YOU DONE?

Conscience: It is a tear in the world & on the other side are people who you've inspired and people who fear you for what you're about to do! (An object comes out and it is a Fez!) Okay, I wasn't expecting a Fez. (Scene cuts to a gigantic room underground where everyone is seeing a whole lot of unique artwork.)

TLOTA: Wow, so these pieces of art are stored here for what purpose...(James looks and sees a Fez)

President Baugh: Well we stored the Mary Queen of Scots collection for the sole purpose to find the link between the piece you saw in my humble abode and as soon as everything is straightened out. I plan on donating the pieces to a national museum from your country. (Notices James about to break into the case and grab the Fez.) Uh young man, I have no idea why you are going to that thing, I have yet discover if it's safe.

TLOTA: It's a hat called a Fez & Fezzes are cool! May I?

President Baugh: If you insist. (James grabs the Fez out of the case and places it on James' head and everyone just scoff as they all walk away.)

Lea Michele: Seriously James, Are you EVER not going to grab a Fez?

TLOTA: Not in this lifetime.

President Baugh (Audio only): If you would please pay attention,I keep this one as the gateway to the artworks I intent to keep here in Molossia. (Scene cuts to 8-Bit Mickey looking at the picture.)

8-Bit Mickey: Hey guys look at who's next to Mary. (Everyone looks at the picture.)

Nash: NO WAY!


Nostalgia Critic: FUCK ME!

TLOTA: Who is it? (James looks in shock.) No, NO! NO! NOT THAT PERVERT! (Camera pans from the painted image of Mary Queen Of Scots to reveal her husband to be Spoony as scene fade cuts to Scotland and a credit of Scotland 1560 as Spoony rides with Mary Queen Of Scots on horseback with the outside of the "Exit Strategy" in the background.)

Mary Queen Of Scots: Well my dear love, it is a nice place.

Spoony: That's nothing just wait until this thing flies with the birds in the sky & beyond! (Cut to an hour later.) Oh nothing better than a nice quiet picnic lunch before getting back to work.

Mary Queen Of Scots: Well, if things go the way they will, those bastards will overthrow me for my son and he's still in those...What did you call them?

Spoony: Diapers. But not if you have a man by your side to keep that from happening.

Mary Queen Of Scots: Are you saying what I think you are?

Spoony: Indeed I am. Will you give me your hand in marriage?

Mary Queen Of Scots: Oh my love! Indeed I will!

Spoony: AH HA! I KNEW IT! THE REAL MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS WOULD NEVER EVER DO SOMETHING THAT DESPERATE TO KEEP HER THRONE BY MARRYING JUST SOME ORDINARY OLD SCHMOE FROM HEAVENS KNOW THE FUCK HE CAME FROM! But then again The REAL Mary Queen Of Scots is not a genetic anomaly! (Pulls out a device that makes a synthesized horn that sounds like Ta-Da) Ta-Da!

Mary Queen Of Scots: What is that?

Spoony: It's a device that does a synthesized Ta-Da whenever an inorganic being around. It also downloads digital comics in 20 seconds, cook perfect popcorn without burning kernels and can heat an oven to perfect temperature so no food will burn and guess what according to this...YOU are in fact A Duplecon!

Mary Queen Of Scots: A Duplecon?

Spoony: Yeah, A Duplecon whose real form is a big blue creature with silver poisoned teeth and covered in porcupine quills, nice kisser as well. That's what I get for letting Insano off the leash one too many times. (A Snarling noise is heard as the two look and discover the Horse was the Duplecon.) Oh shit! It was the horse! (Laughs for five seconds) Look all that insulting wasn't meant with malice and I sure as hell wasn't serious when I said you weren't the real Mary Queen Of Scots. Look head back to your castle and I'll get it.

Mary Queen Of Scots: Be quick my love, we are to be wed! (Mary Queen Of Scots kisses Spoony)

Spoony: Oh well the time space continuum is now officially in the shitter! (Spoony walks around  until he sees a rabbit and the device makes a synthesized Ta Da sound) Okay, if you think you've got the stones to stand toe to toe with me prepare to meet your maker. I fought against my own kind. I took on a wizard and magical minions with only fucking Bird Seed. I've seen shit that you can not fathom and you're just a rabbit, aren't you? Well Uh General warning, next time your ass is Hasenpfeffer! (A loud female scream is heard and Spoony runs and discovers Twin Mary Queen Of Scots in front of him and the device makes a synthesized Ta Da sound.) Well this thing is fucking useless.(An explosion happens and a hole opens behind them)

Mary Queen Of Scots (In Duplicate Audio): The devil is that?

Spoony: It's a tear in the fabric of the Space Time Continuum! A portal where anything and everything can happen. Who knows what will come out from the other side! (An object comes out and it is a Fez!) For example....A Fez?! The fuck? (Cut to the group looking at artwork and shattered glass on the floor.)

Phelous: Well judging by the shatter pattern something didn't break in, something broke out.

Luke Mochrie: Well, I've seen these pieces in an art appreciation course. I still have the book. Guys check it out.

Malcolm Ray: Yeah, there should be a guy walking down that desert with a walking stick in his left hand.

Chris Colfer: And in this one is supposed to have a man presenting the bowl of fruit in this one. (An explosion happens and a hole opens behind them and everyone goes WHOA!)

Linkara: The hell is that?

TLOTA: C'MON, Haven't we got enough to do? Fine. Colfer, Naya, Lea you guys stay here with E-Rod, Uh... You two are?

Malcolm Ray: Malcolm

Tamara Chambers: Tamara

TLOTA: Right, Tamara, Malcom, E-Rod stay here we might need some help and they might need some help. Everyone else follow me! (James tosses the Fez into the hole!) GERONIMO! (James runs into the hole)

Nostalgia Critic: Sitting BULLLL! (Nostalgia Critic runs into the hole, Linkara screams as he runs into the hole, Angry Joe gleefully smiles as he screams and runs into the hole, and one by one they all run into the hole!)


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

"The Day Of The Hero" Part 1

(The Photo of Justin "JewWario" Carmical from all the tributes have been is in Black & White and underneath it are the words "Justin Carmical 1971-2014" for one minute and then cuts to the Channel Awesome Mark II Logo then fades to Black then cuts to a black background and "Channel Awesome Presents" in white text appears then fades and is replaced with "In association with Rowdy C Productions & MadiMaly Entertainment present" then fades and is replaced with "A Doug Walker Film" then cuts to a first person perspective and groaning as someone is waking up and cuts to The Nostalgia Critic waking up and the credit of Doug Walker is underneath then fades.)

Nostalgia Critic: Where am I? I'm in the office building I'm renting. But how can that be? I was...  (An audible fart is heard.)

Blockbuster Buster (Mumbling audio only): Excuse me do you mind not farting while I'm saving the world?

Nostalgia Critic: E-Rod? What the hell! Was there an office party and we had a little too much? (Camera cuts to Linkara, E-Rod, Malcolm Ray & Tamara Chambers sleeping on one another and the credits of Lewis Lovhaug, Eric Rodriguez, Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers appear then fade as E-Rod screams!)


Malcolm Ray: Sorry, Me, Tamara and The Critic just tossed Hyper Fan Girl off the set for the fifth time and then all of a sudden the whole place fills up with this gas. After that I hear you scream of course after having the longest nap I've ever had.

Linkara: And I was onboard Comicron One when I got hit with probably the same gas as everyone else did.

Film Brain (Audio only): Well there's more of us awake now.

Rowdy (Audio only): That's good to know. (Camera pans to The Rowdy Reviewer & Film Brain and the credits of Mathew Buck and Chris Lee Moore appear on camera then fade.)

Rowdy: I think we may have all been hit with the same gas.

Mathew Buck: Same here.

Nostalgia Critic: Well would one of you mind telling us how many of us are asleep and how many are awake?

TLOTA (Audio only) Well as of this moment... (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, Lea Michele, Naya Rivera & Chris Colfer ) All of us. (Credits of Lea Michele, Naya Rivera, Chris Colfer and James Faraci appear then fade away.) Currently I have ORAC on trying to find out our destination and ...

Blockbuster Buster (Shouting Audio): HELP!

TLOTA: That didn't sound good! (Everyone heads to the secondary hatch to see E-Rod hanging on for dear life, open said hatch and form a human chain to grab E-Rod with James being the anchor and Lea Michele grabbing the hatch and Rowdy grabbing E-Rod getting him as Lea begins to close the hatch. E-Rod is pulled in as Lea closing the hatch sealing it tight with her Sonic Screwdriver as Camera pulls back showing an Doomsday Bunker being flown in via Helicopter and heroic music is heard as the Credit of "The Day Of The Hero" appears then fades away and the following are credited Nash Bozard, Kaylyn Dicksion, Brad Jones, Todd Nathanson, Brian Heinz, Joe Vargas, Phelan Porteous, Allison Pregler, Lindsay Ellis, Bennett White, Mickey Paradis, Benjamin Daniel, William DuFresne, Leo Thompson, Rob Walker, Fard Muhammad, Carl Kuster, Mara Wilson, Kevin Baugh as President Kevin Baugh, Bhargav Dronamraju then Bruce Campbell as Hero And Noah Antweiller as Spoony. Cameramen: Doug Walker, Rob Walker, Jim Jarosz, Ed Glaser & Mike Matei. Lighting & Sound: Justin Barnes, Terrence Dellinger. Special Effects Make up & Make up: Haley Barnes. Music: Michael ‘Skitch’ Schiciano. Orchestrations by Barney Walker, Special Effects: Jim Troken, Marek Wodzinski, Phelan Porteous, Tony Katajisto, Alyssa Raabe, Allen Stephens, Andrew Dickman & David Wenol. Writers: Doug Walker, Rob Walker, James Faraci & Chris Lee Moore. Edited & Directed by Doug Walker appear then fade as the bunker lands and camera cuts to the outside hatch opens as everyone falls out the front hatch.)

Mara Wilson (Audio only): Enjoy your ride?

Nostalgia Critic (Muffled Audio): I hope it's not who I think it is. (Everyone one by one gets up as everyone looks around at their current surroundings and The Nostalgia Critic screams as the Camera pans to see Mara Wilson & President of Molossia Kevin Baugh.)

TLOTA: Kevin Baugh, President of Molossia I presume.

President Baugh: You are correct in that presumption, right now I am in need of your assistance.

Nostalgia Critic: Huh? (Scene cuts to inside of The President's house as everyone comes in to discover an interesting piece of art.)

Nash: How did you come across this piece?

President Baugh: I found it online for a quite a pretty hefty amount of your currency.

Bennett The Sage: There seems to be a lot of depth in the picture.

Luke Mochrie: It's like it's an advanced 3D technology not even we're capable of.

Cinema Snob: What's written on the frame?

TLOTA: Ancient Caliverterian. Roughly translated it means "No More"

Mara Wilson: We had an expert try to translate it as well there are two more words that we may believe to be the title...

TLOTA: I take it the translation is..."Caliverti"....."Falls"

President Baugh: Why yes, how did you know?

TLOTA: I know (Light flashes as an image of Emmalina smiling at the camera for a few split seconds then cuts to James) I know quite a bit more than you know. (Light flashes as scene cuts to James beginning to pack the last of his belongings fifty five weeks earlier and James sighs.)

TLOTA: This is it, a new beginning. No more of this online persona I've clung onto for a while, No more of  this internet crap. Today we move out of my parents place and into a nice little place close by and I start a new job on Monday and you've got an education to get.

Emmalina: I saw a few advancements to get to where you are now. But I..(Emmalina grabs her forehead as she feels lightheaded and James notices.)
TLOTA: You okay? (Emmalina starts to get weak in the knees as James runs to grab her.) Emmalina? EMMALINA! (Scene cuts to James at the hospital as he tries to get the doctor's attention.)

Doctor: We don't know what's happening to her at all. We took a blood sample and it turned cold.

TLOTA: Can I see it? I have somethings that could help research what might be happening to her. (Cut to James unpacking ORAC as he gets ORAC active.) ORAC, tell me you can figure out what is happening to Emmalina by this blood sample. (James places Blood sample of Emmalina's blood as ORAC hums & beeps.)

ORAC: According to the sample she is reverting...

TLOTA: What do you mean? (Cut to James as he finds his mom in the nurse's lounge.) MOM! Mom! Tell me you can expunge Emmalina's file from the Medical database and I need Discharge papers for her.

James' mom: Honey, It could cost me my job. What is this all about?

TLOTA: Nothing good...for me at least but it does mean something good for you and dad. (Cut to James and Emmalina at the dock in City Island where "The Dawn Of A New Day" was docked at.)

Emmalina: So this is where you & your group started your journey to save my home.

TLOTA: Ironic that this is where our journey together ends.

Emmalina: James...How long until...?

TLOTA: A couple of hours at best. Right now I just...I want to be here with you until it's time for me to let you go. (Emmalina walks over to James carefully to sit next to him and the time elapses and James feels Emmalina tingling.) I guess it's time. Though I wish it didn't have to end this way. (James carries Emmalina becoming a mermaid again while James carries her in his arms. Emmalina while barely capable of standing kisses James one last time and hugs him leaving her amulet around his neck as a keepsake memento and sinking into the water as James slowly lets her into the ocean and she swims away leaving James to cry then cut back to the present with a tear in his eye.) Hmm, sorry didn't mean to let my mind wander. I was just thinking of her.

Lea Michele: Who was she?

Nostalgia Chick: Let's just say it's complicated. So why are we here, As a matter of fact why are you here Mara? Aren't you supposed to be like "I WILL DESTROY ALL INTERNET REVIEWERS!" or some shit like that?

Mara Wilson: I'm working in conjunction with the American Government to keep you guys from doing what you did. It's been five years since you guys attempted to invade Molossia. Both our Government and Mr. Baugh's wish to mend fences and keep the peace. While looking over the artwork he discovered this note from Mary, Queen of Scots and it was addressed to someone you all knew. (The Nostalgia Critic & Everyone around him discovers that this is indeed the handwriting of Mary, Queen of Scots.)

Mary(Audio only as images of her hand writing this letter is seen then sealing it with her family crest): To those who knew of my husband. I pray you find this letter and help me protect the pieces of artwork in my private gallery.  (Cutting back to all of them looking at the letter.)

TLOTA: But how does this tie into the art piece?

Mara Wilson: That's what the American Government wants to discover. (Camera zooms into the piece of art as scene cuts invading Vikings come in to loot, plunder and conquer Caliverti and a torch bearer is running for his life when he is suddenly accosted by a figure who turns out to be Hero.)

Hero: Torch bearer, I shall take this! (Scene cuts to Caliverterian army doing everything they can to hold off the invading forces as the torch from Hero's hands lights six pieces of ground leaving the torch at the last spot as the scene cuts to a family about to be destroyed by a Viking's axe when a Hammer flies into the Viking and with a flame in the background Hero raises the hammer in his hand on his steed with an important device inside his satchel and the camera turns to see in a large portion of field set ablaze the words "NO MORE!)


Saturday, June 21, 2014

Ten things to like about "The Uncanny Valley"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the word editorial on it)

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Show clips of "The Uncanny Valley" while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Uncanny Valley is the OFFICIAL fifth year anniversary special from Channel Awesome and I'll be the first to admit that the collection of Short Films was an interesting experiment for an anniversary special and I don't think there's going to be a second outing of "The Uncanny Valley" (Cut to James physically.) But I purchased it on DVD and I saw something I did like from all of the shorts and the extras and I plan on counting the ten things I liked about this special. So with that I'm going to talk about the ten things I liked about "The Uncanny Valley" (Show "The Uncanny Valley "title card and the words "Ten Things I liked about..." over it, then cut to James doing a voiceover clips)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number ten
10) The commentary from "Dragged In"
Honestly, I thought Leo "That Sci-Fi Guy" Thompson would've done his whole commentary apologizing for the lameness but the fact he tried to defend it made me not dislike the short as much but the plot of "Dragged In" was LAME! Aliens wanting our cats because of Internet videos, Seriously? Well he did defend it to the best of his abilities. So Sci-Fi Guy I salute your attempt.

Number nine
9) "Internet Dating & Me"
There's a reason I don't do dating online and Mike J also knows. As this shorts was a mock documentary on the perils of being on a dating site. Mike J's first attempt to be on a dating site leads to some rather incredulous moments like say when he accidentally found one profile to be Diamanda Hagen and when he lands a date well... let's say the results, it's hilarious.

Number eight
8) Nash as The Webmaster & Robert Walker as Thomas

Say what you will about the two sometimes their chemistry is on par with the classic mismatched duos sometimes it's like watching a pair of man-boys fight over the same woman and it's pathetic. But no matter what these guys brought the laughs as they introduced the shorts and in the final one that was seen only online until the DVD release was a short starring the duo being blown to smithereens by who else but Diamanda. Oh well, at least they got a laugh or two out of me.

Number seven
7) The commentary to "Dragonbored"
This let me know the Walker Brothers knew what they were doing when they decided to do this instead of trying to top themselves but if they were to do something on the scale of say "To Boldly Flee" again, I hope they do it while they still can.  

Number six
6) Diamanda Hagen's end sketch
Granted Diamanda scares the living BeJebus out of me but knowing she got the drop on "The Webmaster" & "Thomas" before they could get to safety got a laugh out of me and she did reverse what she did, eventually.

Number five
5) The Cameos of Cinema Snob, Obscurus Lupa & Phelous in "Dragged In"
The ONLY good thing when it comes to "Dragged In". Seriously I didn't like "Dragged In"...AT ALL! But that's not to say that Sci-Fi Guy did a bad job behind the camera, far from it. It's in the story where it suffered and the few laughs I did get were from the Cameos Of

Number four
4) The Nostalgia Critic's review of "The Uncanny Valley"
Hoo boy when I saw this, I thought he was going to be fine with this. But he brought funny thoughts and opinions to his own work and the moment that I laughed at the most was in the "Dragonbored" portion of the review when LeBron played greatly by Fard Muhammad  got flipped like a coin and hired Jimbroth and then we get this reaction. (Show clip from Nostalgia Critic review of "The Uncanny Valley" when he mocks LeBron's decision)

Nostalgia Critic: Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to visit a man in prison who tried to assassinate me last week and make him Vice President of the company. (Puts on a crown and does a Daffy Duck like laugh and bounce up and down)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Classic!

Number three
3)  "The Reviewers"
Just...Just "The Reviewers" this showed a more earnest look at what it's like to be a online reviewer than it did in That our lives don't revolve our online profession but it is a part of our lives no matter also we've got detractors and competition. I especially thought the character of "The Messiah" was such a stereotype of those burned out stoners who decided on trying to get a new professions. I can also relate to both Andy & Jeff being at the short end of the stick internet popularity. This was an amazing short and worth a watch.

Number two
2) "Dragonbored"
This short film set the standard of what was to come in this special and to be honest it needed a little more work but the story was solid and the twists were amazing. The acting was fairly good, especially with Rachel Tietz, Malcolm Ray, Fard Muhammad & Carl Kuster. Overall a strong start to this special.

And the Number one thing I liked about "The Uncanny Valley" is...
1) "The Dark Side Of The Internet"

Mat "Welshy" Williams made probably THE best documentary on the dangers of being online EVER! Because he is an Internet personality he knows what is going on. He's not as blind to the problem and if his documentary can teach one person about the dangers about the online world. It has done it's job. Making it THE best thing in "The Uncanny Valley" BAR NONE! (Cut to James Physically) And that's The ten things I liked about "The Uncanny Valley" does it mean it's on par with the likes of it's predecessors? Well....(Video clips of "The Uncanny Valley)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As a whole "The Uncanny Valley" doesn't stand on the shoulders of it's predecessors. "Dragged In" was I think the weak link in this thing but it didn't affect my overall tolerance for what came after. While "Dragonbored" set the bar, "The Reviewers" showed what it was like to BE a reviewer. "Internet Dating & Me" was funny but showed a "Beware what you ask for" message which was well hidden while "The Dark Side Of The Internet" is something EVERYONE & I MEAN EVERYONE MUST SEE before deciding to be an online personality. Give "The Uncanny Valley" a watch you'll find something you'll like or learn from. (Cut to James Physically)

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & (Sniffs) Hmm. Gas...Sweet smelling gas....Weird feeling gas....night....night....gas. (James falls out of his chair with a resounding thud and loud snoring.)

Saturday, June 14, 2014

One year older, One year "Dumberer"

(Scene starts in a room of a castle filled with knights played by many of the male actors from “GLEE” when one of the knights who look like Chris Colfer runs in.)

Knight 1: My fellow knights, the Armory has been raided someone has taken the King’s sword and the Gem of Eternal power!

(The knights rush to the Armory when the Stable Clerk who looks like Naya Rivera gets the Knights attention.)

Stable Clerk: My lords, the king’s horse has been taken from the Stable. (The knights rush to the stable where they find an empty stall, the lead knight who looks like Matthew Morrison turns to address his fellow knights.)

Lead Knight: The tracks look fresh, all knights take ride and find this person alive. I shall inform Lord Tharagan. (The knights salute and mount up to find the person while the lead knight walks out of the stable and walks to the Castle and as he does he says aloud “What fool takes our king’s sword, gem and Horse?” as Camera Zooms out to reveal Caliverti as musical cues from the opening of “The Name Of The Doctor” plays including the regal theme of Gallifrey as a title card reads “Caliverti, Before the revolution” as scene cuts to a zooming horse running then scene cuts to the woods where Treayco Malocote preparing for a night which will never happen as a horse neighs as it stops and Treayco turns to see the Kings horse and the rider is revealed to be a maiden for Tharagan’s pleasure who looks like Lea Michele.)

Treayco Malocote: I know of you, you are a maiden of Tharagan, why are you here?

Tharagan’s Maiden: I’m sorry Treayco but I’m afraid you must do something against our new Lord and Master. (Scene changes to Lea Michele’s eyes opening to reflect flames.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): I don’t know where I am! (Scene changes to see Lea Michele falling into a tunnel of fire & wind) I feel like I’m shattering into a million pieces, living a million different lives but one thought remains! (Scene changes to Linkara’s old house as Lea looks on as Mechakara turns Linkara into ground hamburger from a rail top)I have to help those who review on the Internet. (Lea grabs a phone shouting for 90’s kid, Ninja Style Dancer & Harvey Finevoice to help Linkara defeat Mechakara from “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers” episode of “Atop The Fourth Wall”. Then show clip a woman fully disguised in black behind the Irate Gamer fiddling around with a rifle trying to talk to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and putting a bullet through The Irate Gamer and unmasking herself to be Lea Michele) Especially the first man who fell for me because who I am inside, James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. But no matter how they differentiate they all in some way influence one another. (Show clip of Nostalgia Critic “Scooby Doo” episode in which Lea’s hands throw lightning into The Nostalgia Critic’s head and he comes to the conclusion.) I feel like I’m running every second just to help all of them. (Show clip of the Angry Video Game Nerd apparently dead as Lea Michele places her hand over the right side of his face and whispers “These games are more than just your burden, they are what you can show what people must avoid. Return and embrace the games, not just play them.) All that time, just to help them! (Scene cuts to Cinema Snob running and Lea shouts “CINEMA SNOB!”  then proceeds to run to the Cinema Snob just to Jump to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans as he opens up a can of whoop ass on those from Channel Awesome during the “Kickassia” invasion as it appears Film Brain comes charging up to James when Lea clocks him with a Cricket Bat knocking him unconscious.) James I think rarely sees what I do. (Scene cuts to James drowning while Emmalina in Mermaid form looks around when Lea as a mermaid points Emmalina to James’ direction then Scene cuts to James and “Karen” from TMZ.) But sometimes I think James does see. (Scene cuts back to Lea falling through the tunnel of flame and wind) My life began on a leaf! (Scene cuts to Lea Michele’s parents who are expecting their daughter when a leaf blows off a tree and onto Lea Michele’s mom initiating the labor process then cuts to Lea’s father as he holds their daughter for the first time.) I’m still riding the breeze that sent the leaf on its way and I don’t think it’ll ever stop. (Scene cuts to Lea Michele falling through the tunnel of flame & wind.) The world knows me as Lea Michele. But I am The Impossible and I’m going to save those who review on the internet, especially….

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and…(Thinks to himself) Hey, I’ve been doing this for a year now! It’s an anniversary review! (Show fireworks display with the audio to “Ode To Joy” playing in the background then cut to James again.) One year has come and gone, it feels like yesterday when I reviewed the unholy abomination that was “The Even Stevens Movie”. So what am I going to do to commemorate this event? I could review another unholy piece of Cinema starring Hollywood’s talent enema Shia LaBeouf, Another DCOM or for funsies I could review another Carey-less Sequel. Well let’s see, I tolerate DCOMs for the sake of my nieces so that leaves a Shia Shitnema and a Carrey-less Sequel. But what if I were to merge both into one. (James bends down and finds “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd.) Abandon all hope ye who watch! (Show “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd title and clips from the movie while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Oh boy, ladies and gentlemen for those who thought “Son Of The Mask” was the worst. “Dumb & Dumberer” carries that distinct title for me anyway. Why? Because they casted Satan’s scrotal sloppy seconds Shia LaBeouf! (Image changes to Shia LaBeouf while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): However I should point out that I have nothing bad against him as a human nor as a director. (Changes to footage from “”) I actually found him competent as a director in What I didn’t like was how he portrayed internet reviewers. Believe it or not we’re all not those sad sacks of human waste that slam everything that we don’t like. My buddy Rowdy is a sports enthusiast. I’m an uncle to three nieces. Linkara doesn’t just sit in his apartment tearing apart bad comic books, he has something close to a life as do the 99% of all of us internet reviews. That is the only problem I have with “” otherwise “” is a really great piece of work from Shia as a director. Any acting job he has is possibly so bottom of the barrel, I’d rather take Tommy WIseau performing Shakespeare and I’d rather watch a marathon of Adam Sandler than anything & everything featuring Shia LaBeouf. (Cut to James physically) But seeing as how I’ve got no other choice but to endure his annoyance in a Carrey-less sequel all I can say is hang on for dear life and keep the Lysol on standby we’re entering the big pile heading down to the 666th level of Dante’s inferno, This is “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd”. (Cut to footage and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So our movie begins with Harry being born against his will then becoming so much of a nuisance that 911 have decided to never to answer any call from the Dunn household. Eventually Harry’s mom played by Mimi Rogers decides to let Harry played by Derek Richardson attend public school. Ho Boy let’s just pray he’ll do better there than The Chipmunks did. (Show clip from “Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” of Simon & Alvin jumping at The Jocks then cuts to the outside and screams of agony are heard and one Jock crying for his mommy then back to James doing a voice over.) On his way to School he meets up with Lloyd Christmas played by one of the few actors from this movie to have a career after this Eric Christian Olsen (Show pic of the Olsen Twins from “Full House” and Babs & Buster Bunny from Tiny Toon Adventures audio say “No Relation” then back to movie with James doing voice over.) So our “heroes” and I say that with no hope that these two will be useful at any point in this find their way to school and the first thing that happens is that the duo find themselves hung up by their underwear at the top of the flagpole which helps the motive of the principal played by legendary actor Eugene Levy to use a big amount of cash set for the education of Special needs children and using it to buy a condo in Hawaii. So the Principal assigns Harry & Lloyd to assemble students for that includes no one from the back room. (Cut to clip of James wearing a Fez guffawing while jumping around in a circle, The Rowdy Reviewer walking into a wall face first then go backwards into the same wall over & over again, Film Brain putting globs of globs of Mayonnaise into a toaster, Lea Michele dressed like a crazy person spinning around in a chair, Linkara in the “Fat Grandma” wig waddling and Scott Disick dressed like Brick Tamland moseying and shouting “I’m riding a furry lawnmower!” over & over again then cut back to James doing a voice over the video clips)

TLOTA (Voice over):  So Tweedle Derp & Tweedle DURH enlist several big students including the stereotype bully, the big name jock, the smart Asian & the only person who rightfully deserve to remain in “Special Needs” classes Shia LaBeouf! The fact that so many known people from the different cliques are now in the “Special Needs” classes catches the attention of the smart, preppy & good looking female investigator student Jessica played by Rachel Nichols to investigate the legitimacy of the whole thing.

(Powerful explosive noise shakes the video footage and shaking continues as scene changes to James falling out of the chair.)

TLOTA: The Hell was that?

ORAC: The shielding you had set up has been deactivated. Scanners indicating the energy is equal to…

TLOTA: To what?

ORAC: You know who it is.

TLOTA: The Wicked. (Scene cuts to James coming out of the vault from below with the ring, gem, sword & amulet on him.) That Sumbich is looking for me and I can’t wait to finish this. SHOW YOURSELF! YOU COWARD! LET’S FINISH IT! (Earth shakes and James shakes in the same direction.)

The Wicked (Demonic Audio only): Did you think I would’ve attacked you when you had all your faculties? Remember your friend at that Karaoke bar that Halloween night? (Show clip of Rowdy Reviewer’s JFK review intro when he says “I remember a karaoke machine, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & Lea Michele wanting me to dress up like that punk boyfriend of hers on “Glee”” then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) I had him after my associate turned him. (Show clip of “Murked” Rowdy trying to take away all the color in the world then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) Had it not been for his sister, I would’ve taken over the world more quickly. (Show clip of Slacker sis, Wrestling Mark & the Cats stopping “Murked” Rowdy reverting him back to normal then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) And let’s not forget that you nearly succumbed to me (Show clips of Spider-Man Trilogy reviews from James falling down and his head hitting the bed and then the floor then James grabbing Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man trilogy and the pain intensifying with each movie until James’ eyes are glowing with a black flame cutting to James getting blasted with Lea Michele’s Sonic Screwdriver then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) Had it not been for that blasted sonic screwdriver, I would’ve gotten to you.

TLOTA: Well I remember what happened after that. So can you face me or are you THAT big a coward. (Dark smoke expel from the walls until it takes physical shape of Jane Lynch)

The Wicked: Surprised.

Jane Lynch (Off screen): Actually… (Camera pans to Jane Lynch)

Jane Lynch: I like James, I just can’t stand to see him die because he makes Lea happy. (Jane pulls out sonic concussion blaster and shoots point blank range at The Wicked sending it down the hallway.)

TLOTA: Oh-Kay! What just happened?

Jane Lynch: You left your laptop open back in the green room. (Scene changes to Jane Lynch looking at James’ laptop and seeing her connection to Tharagan.)

Jane Lynch (Voice over): Surprisingly knowing I had a relative that you defeated should’ve made me side with that thing. But when Lea saw that I wanted to show you & her that I’m not a bad guy. (Scene cuts back to Jane & James)

TLOTA: All right but how did you get here? (Scene changes to Door next to thermometer as a glow intensifies then subsides as 0:00-1:01 minute mark of “The Majestic tale (Of a madman in a box)” play in the background as Lea Michele wielding her sonic screwdriver. Darren Criss wielding a lightsaber, Naya Rivera wielding a pair of Nunchuks and Chris Colfer wielding a pair of Katanas step out of the glow walking up to James and Jane)

The Wicked: Well, I have to admit. I didn’t see this coming.

TLOTA: Enough talk. Let’s Rock! (James, Lea, Naya, Darren, Chris & Jane come at The Wicked and overpower it momentarily as The Wicked slams its left foot scattering everyone then walks to James as “The Majestic tale (Of a madman in a box) from the 1:01 minute mark until the 2:28 mark when James is flung back to his room and is barely alive.)

The Wicked: Oh to have come close to defeating me but to be defeated himself. (The Wicked forces its hand through James & ripping strands of light out of him. The Wicked laughing in demented joy as everyone around looks in shock as James is barely alive.) With this, I will make victories into defeats, life will become death & all that is good shall be reviled! (The Wicked turns to energy warping the strands of light and the strands flicker. Scene changes to Linkara being beaten into Ground Beef in his “Power Rangers Zeo” AT4W episode then AVGN being beaten like a bitch by ROB the Robot in his 100th review then The Nostalgia Critic’s Scooby Doo review as the Earth shakes uncontrollably then Malicia beating Rowdy in TV Trash “Electra Woman & Dyna-Girl” episode then cuts back to James struggling to get to his knees trying to crawl to the strand of Flickering light.)

Lea Michele: James, what is it?

TLOTA (Barely Audible): Time line.

Chris Colfer: What did he say it was?

Jane Lynch: I think he said “Timeline”

Naya Rivera: I heard that as well.

Darren Criss: What is this “Timeline”?

TLOTA: The timeline keeps time proper (Groans in agony) now that The Wicked is in it everything is being rewritten. My fellow Internet reviewers are being destroyed anything good they have done and any good they could’ve done is all gone. I feel so weak. (James falls and is still conscious but is in pain as “The Long Song” plays in the background.) Get me there and I can stop it.

Jane Lynch: It could kill you.

Lea Michele: Not if someone sacrifices themselves to reverse the damage.

TLOTA (Groaning): NO! (Lea kisses James and starts to run to the timeline intercut to the others screaming silently LEA! & NO! Lea Michele continues to run as The Earth shakes and she dodges the debris & jumps into the timeline at the 2:51 mark of “The Long Song” and James misses her by one fraction of a second as Lea turns around as she falls to let the last thing she sees being James by 3:35 mark of “The Long Song” Lea disappears into the timeline. Scene changes to Lea Michele’s eyes opening to reflect flames and “Remember Me” from the 2:00 mark plays while Lea Michele does a voice over.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): I don’t know where I am! (Show scene of Lea Michele grabbing the Zeo Gold Power staff as Linkara shouts for it and Lea running like “The Flash” to hand Linkara the Zeo Gold Power Staff and watches from the background as Linkara beats Mechakara in Linkara’s Power Rangers Zeo AT4W review.) I just know I’m running. (Scene changes to the planet Psychlo as a squad of Psychlos prepare to invade earth when Lea pops up out of nowhere with a nuclear bomb and Lea shouts Psychlos GO TO HELL!) It’s like I’ve lived so many different lives and have been in so many different places. I’m born, I live & I die. (Scene changes to Lea looking at a weakened Blockbuster Buster with Lazarus Dark possessing Dr. Affect when she uses her Sonic Screwdriver to split Dr. Affect & Lazarus Dark and the battle moves forward as Lea places her right hand on Dr. Affect’s face reviving him in Blockbuster Buster’s “Planes” review then cuts to random moments from TV Trash, Nostalgia Critic, AVGN and other Internet reviewers intercut with Lea Michele being thrown around in the tunnel of flames) Always running, saving all of them again & again & again. (Scene cuts to James & “Karen” at TMZ) They’ve never seen me. (Scene changes to the hand maiden of Tharagan in the same place with Treayco.) But I’ve always been there, moving everything forward all the way from the beginning.

Tharagan’s maiden: I’m sorry Treayco but I’m afraid you must do something against our new Lord and Master. He killed our true king. Stand with the rebels. Keep the gem with you and harness its power. Take the horse, it’ll get you home quicker. Hopefully you’ll be able to save your family. (Treayco rides off to hopefully save his family from Tharagan’s forces while Lea Michele does a voice over.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): Right from the day everything happened. (Scene changes to the set of GLEE and people running for their lives with Lea just standing as the people run around her and the camera does a 360 pan around her which is intercut with James holding the Sword of Caliverti with the 360 pan around James.)

Lea Michele: Emmalina…(Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal thought): If you can hear me… let me have enough strength to send…(Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: The plot hole back. Let him have that strength…(Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal thought): And I will amass the group of warriors you need…. (Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: To help you save Caliverti. (Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal Thought): Emmalina….(Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: Let James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans (Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal Thought): have… (Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: that… (Scene is split between James’ left side of his face and Lea Michele’s right side)

TLOTA (Internal Thought)/ Lea Michele: strength! (Scene cuts to the tunnel of flames)

Lea Michele (voice over): The world knows me as Lea Michele. But I am The Impossible and I’m going to save those who review on the internet.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review)

(Scene cuts to the outside of the front door and James being thrown out of the front door landing on his back and James scrambling for his life as camera cuts to the front door and Naya has rage in her eyes)

Naya Rivera: YOU KILLED LEA! NOW YOU MUST DIE! (0:19-1:05 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James is hobbling for his life and Naya keeps pace until 0:42 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James hobbles to his truck and Naya smashes the windshield forcing James to hobble back to the house, closes the door until the 1:05 mark happens when from out of nowhere Roman Reigns spearing James and Naya stands over James who looks like he’s been through hell.) Give me one reason why I shouldn’t finish you off! (James looks as if he is about to die as Naya has her chucks set to club his brains raises them in anger when a surprise catches them all off guard.)

ORAC (Audio only with a hint of hope in its voice): LEA MICHELE IS STILL ALIVE!

Naya Rivera: What said that?

TLOTA: ORAC is it true?

ORAC (Audio only): Using her baseline DNA extrapolated from her Sonic Screwdriver I scanned for traces of her throughout the timeline, project estimated so someone can access the timeline will be for three hours.

TLOTA: Then let’s get to work & TO HELL with the review. (James is about to enter code to begin the rescue effort to find & save Lea Michele when Jane pulls him out of the chair.)

Jane Lynch: We’ll take care of this, do the review.

TLOTA: Thanks. But I have to know why you tried to kill me with a chef’s knife?

Jane Lynch: Well that’s funny before I was thinking about who was going to be on “Hollywood Game Night” and then I looked in and it felt like something dark was taking over my mind saying “Kill Him” over & over again. The strange thing is yeah you’re a conservative republican & I don’t like you but as long as Lea likes you, I’ll tolerate you. Is that good?

TLOTA: Good enough for me.

Chris Colfer: Back up! Did she call you a “Conservative Republican?”

TLOTA: What? Do you guys think all republicans have Swastika armbands, blond hair, blue eyes and fair skin and carry copies of Mein Kampf, the Bible & the Necronomicon Ex Mortis? (Jane, Chris & Naya nod yes) JESUS H. CHRIST! I HATE IT! HATE IT WHEN HOLLYWOOD STEREOTYPES US AS THOSE TYPE OF ASSHOLES!  BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I AM A CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN! But that does NOT mean I hate minorities or hunt for Bambi because I’m a redneck idiot! The truth is I have friends of every racial, sexual & religious credence and I do NOT hate on them! The reason I hunt and fish is for food! I don’t hunt Bambi when I hunt, it’s for Bambi’s sacrifice. I see it & Bambi is letting me know that this one is either too dumb or too old or inferior to be of any use to us, put him out of his misery and I DON’T KILL DOES FOR A REASON! IT’S CALLED KEEPING THE SPECIES ALIVE! You know what you guys get working on helping ORAC, I’ll work on the review. (Show James grabbing a Sonic Screwdriver and opening James’s closet door revealing ORAC and placing it on the nightstand next to Naya)

Naya Rivera: That’s ORAC?

Chris Colfer: Looks so old it takes dial up.

Jane Lynch: Where is the coffee heating function?

ORAC: Your attempts at levity fall flat! (All three jump back in surprise.)Now if you’ll excuse us James, we have work to do as do you!

TLOTA: Right you are, now where was I?  Oh yeah, the actual Hero of this clunker. (Cut to footage and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So Jessica asks Harry to assist her, Harry mistakes it for her wanting to get into bed with her and Harry asks Lloyd for how to woo Jessica. He suggests the usual schmaltz of Chocolate & Flowers which leads to one of the few good comedic moments primarily by Bob “I’m glad for my R-Rated Stand Up Act & How I met your mother” Saget!


TLOTA: That’s not the only thing that’s full of shit! (James points to the movie)

Chris Colfer (Audio only): You said it Nazi boy! (Audible smack) OW!

Naya Rivera (Audio only):  Leave him alone! If he wants be a goose stepper like his Furher that’s his choice. (Audible smack) OW!

Jane Lynch (Audio only): Will you two pipe down we all have work to do! (Cut to footage and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that rare moment of truth about this movie. Our duo head out for slushes. Why? To annoy the hell out of Brian Posehn! (Show clip of the two of them playing tag until Brian Posehn yells at the two to get out of his store.) Meanwhile it appears Jessica flipped like a pancake to ask Lloyd for help. Why not ask the both of them to help? Oh yeah so it can cause tension which is resolved when Lloyd steals a stuffed Polar Bear from The Museum to make the DUMBEST looking clothes ever! But then again when someone’s intelligence rivals Tapioca Pudding looking dumb is the least of your problems. Meanwhile our intrepid hero Jessica discovers the principal’s plans to take the funds for the “Special Needs” classes and use it to buy the condo in Hawaii. Surely she’ll get someone smart, brave & Intelligent. (Show clip of Harry & Lloyd listening to Jessica.) Or two guys who can’t outsmart a slug. But surprisingly they get the evidence and broadcast it on a float for a President’s day parade, OUR HEROES ladies & gentlemen! Let’s wrap this up quickly! So neither Harry nor Lloyd get the girl, something that will be the theme of their lives. The Principal and his accomplice are dragged away to state prison. Harry’s mom winds up with the Janitor. We meet Fraida Felcher and her twin sister, yeah who knew she had a twin sister, The Felcher sisters ride off covering Harry in mud and we get our only other funny moment in this clunker. (Show clip of Jessica’s dad shouting and ranting about his car being covered in poop then cuts to James physically.)

TLOTA: And that’s “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd” THE WORST CARREY-LESS SEQUEL! (Cut to clips of the movie and the original movie with Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels and James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): I mean it folks, this movie was a chore to get through. The characters are lame and surprisingly the least lame was Shia LaBeouf which isn’t saying much, the two actors who they got to replace Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels weren’t bad but all they were nothing more than cheap carbon copy cardboard cutouts. The story is lame, the humor is awful in comparison to the original and there was little to like. Was it nice to see how the two became friends and know what was going to happen to them? A little. But overall between Shia Hamming it up, a bad script and lame characters this movie had DEAD ON ARRIVAL written all over it. But does that mean I dislike the original? HELL NO! I loved how the dumb comedy was intelligently written which sounds like an oxymoron, I loved the chemistry between Jeff Daniels & Jim Carrey and for all intent and purposes The Farrelly Brothers hold no Ill will towards this film, the cast or the people who worked behind the scenes. But The Farrellys are going to try & rectify this by making a sequel starring the original duo which is slated to be released by the end of this year. I hope that movie makes amends for what I’ve sat through. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & that’s (A loud explosion shakes the room) A really big explosion! Excuse me! (James runs out to find out what that was.) THE HELL WAS THAT?

ORAC: The timeline is now ready to receive someone and will pull both Lea and whoever else is going in.

TLOTA: That’s going to be me. (“Infinite Potential” plays as James lays down his rifle, his bandoleer of Sonic Screwdrivers, The Ring Of Aeon, The Sword Of Caliverti, Emmalina’s Amulet & The Gem from the Gauntlet “Malachite’s Hand” & pulls out the card by Stevie Swigart featuring the statistics of James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans out of his Megaforce Morpher and lays them down reverting back to James Faraci and looks at Jane, Naya & Chris who have tears of hope in their eyes)

James Faraci: I’ll bring her back, I promise. (James walks into the timeline disappearing as Jane, Chris & Naya continue to cry tears of hope as bright lights blind then scene changes to Lea Michele’s eyes opening to reflect flames and Lea Michele doing a voice over and the musical cues from the last four minutes of “The Name Of The Doctor”.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): I don’t know where I am! (Scene changes to Lea Michele falling into a tunnel of flame and shadow)I don’t know where I am going or where I’ve been. I’m going to save those who review on the internet and I know they’ll be safe, Including James Faraci The Last Of The Americans. The World knows me as Lea Michele, but I am the impossible & my story is over! (Scene cuts to a cave full of smoke and flame as Lea falls to the floor then stands for a bit.)

Lea Michele: James? (Lea looks around and shouts JAMES?!) Somebody help me, I don’t know where I am!

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): Lea, you can hear me. I know you can hear me.

Lea Michele: I can’t see you!

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): You’re inside the timeline and the timeline is now centered on me. (Lea looks at younger versions James Faraci pass by her.)

Lea Michele: I can see you, I mean when you were younger and all these people with you. Who are they?

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): Those people are part of my past, every good day and every bad decade! (James Faraci groans in pain, the ground shakes causing Lea to fall down.)

Lea Michele: What’s happening?

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): I’m inside the timeline, it won’t last long.


James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): Not without you, I’m sending you something, not from my past but from yours look up! (Lea looks up and notices the leaf.) This is where you began and everything you will be lies within it, take it! (Lea grabs the leaf floating in the air.) You began on THIS leaf! Hold on to it and you will help you find your way back! (Lea walks around for a few seconds.)

James Faraci (Audio only): LEA! LEA! TURN AROUND! I’M HERE! (Lea Michele turns to discover James Faraci.)

James Faraci: Its okay, I’m here to get you out of this place!

Lea Michele: How?

James Faraci: Because it is impossible and because of you I BELIEVE in the impossible! (Lea walks to James as James continues vocally.) How many times have you helped my friends? How many times have you helped me? Now JUST THIS ONCE! (Cuts back to James physically) JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT! LET ME HELP YOU! (Lea continues to walk to James.) You have to trust me, it’s really me, just ONE MORE STEP! (Lea embraces James and the two kiss.) LEA! MY LEA! (James continues to kiss as James looks over her left shoulder to see a figure from the backside that shakes James to his core and causes James to refrain from Lea as the two looks at the same backside.)

Lea Michele: Who is that?

James Faraci: No one you need to know, now let’s get the hell out of here!

Lea Michele: But who is it?

James Faraci: It’s a reason I’m here, now let’s get the hell out of here!

Lea Michele: But I saw so many people with you all of them making you who you are! You’re James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

James Faraci: I said it’s a reason I’m here, but he is not the reason I am James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

Lea Michele: I… I don’t understand!

James Faraci: My name, My REAL name is James Faraci, but that’s not important. The name I chose IS The Last Of The Americans. The name you choose is a promise to yourself to be someone and he broke his promise! (The two continue to look as Lea begins to faint.) Lea! LEA! LEA! (James groans as he catches Lea Michele.) He is someone I wish never to remember again!

The Figure: What I did, I did without choice.

James Faraci: I know.

The Figure: In the name of what was right and what was Just.

James Faraci: But not in the name of Hero! (James carries Lea Michele back through the tunnel as the figure turns around to reveal Bruce Campbell’s face and title cues reading “Introducing Bruce Campbell as Hero”)