(Scene begins on a phone screen as different iterations of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans over the past ten years says his intro as a finger taps out of that and it taps the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James as he is standing up and looking at the John Byrne Superman Story “Man Of Steel” as the footage statics out as KiraKennedy cuts into the signal)
KiraKennedy:
Hey James, what are you doing? (Cut to James as he is going over the John Byrne Superman Story “Man Of Steel”)
TLOTA:
Oh hey KiraKennedy, I’m researching for my tenth-year anniversary, “Man Of Steel” and I have to say John Byrne did an amazing job modernizing the classic Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel world, how he made the characters like Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, Perry White, and even Lex Luthor more relatable to the modern audience. (Cut to KiraKennedy)
KiraKennedy:
James (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)
TLOTA:
He also made the entire world Clark Kent and Superman inhabits so much fuller of life than what it was like before the “Crisis On Infinite Earths” storyline, which had just decimated everything awesome about Superman (Cut to KiraKennedy)
KiraKennedy:
James (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)
TLOTA:
Also, I must ask why people found this thing polarizing; it’s clear as day and awesome to this day (Cut to KiraKennedy)
KiraKennedy:
JAMES! (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)
TLOTA:
What? (Cut to KiraKennedy)
KiraKennedy:
No one is saying anything bad about the John Byrne Comic Book storyline. Think back ten years ago; what movie Superman movie got fans so polarized that Warner Brothers and DC made that everyone in our vocation found it to be the worst interpretation of the “Man Of Steel” (Cut to James raising his left eyebrow with intrigue as it cuts to the title card of “Man Of Steel” and it cuts to James tossing his research notes and screams like a banshee! Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Yes, folks, its time has come! The movie, for many, has been considered the worst Superman movie ever or the best since the 1978 Richard Donner classic. But ten years later, how does the consensus feel about the movie? Have we FINALLY gotten around to giving the movie a chance to be understood? Are we going to see if this will step out into the sun and we would be joining it? Or should we schlep it to the Phantom Zone? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Well, seeing as it has been a decade since I started and talked about this movie a decade since I began, let me say the following...I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and for the past ten years, The Views That I’m About To Express Are That Of My Own, And Some Of Yours and this is my review of the 2013 Superman Movie “Man Of Steel” (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens... (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Oh wait, KiraKennedy, I nearly forgot about you. How would you like to join me for this review? (Cut to KiraKennedy)
KiraKennedy:
I’d love to join you, but I got shiny Pokémon to hunt! See ya! (KiraKennedy cartoonishly runs away as it cuts to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens on the planet Krypton as we see Lara Lor-Van played by Ayelet Zurer, giving birth to a baby. Meanwhile, Jor-El, played by Russell Crowe, tries to explain to the council members that Krypton is about to go Kaboom! However, we come upon one of my biggest gripes towards this movie. Michael Shannon as General Zod! And for the record, it is not because I loved Terrence Stamp as Zod, and I can’t stand Michael Shannon’s performance. It is because he plays Zod like Tom Hardy’s Bane from “The Dark Knight Rises”, hell it wouldn’t surprise me that he would do that. (Cut to an acting class where Zod, played by Eric Kurtzke, is taking lessons from Tom Hardy’s “Bane” from “The Dark Knight” played by James Faraci)
“Bane”:
Remember you must move your mouth to enunciate the right way. Repeat after me, Zod. “And you, you believe son is shafe? I will find im, I will reclaim what you have taken from us. I will find hin! I will find hen, Lara! I WILL FINE HIM!”
M.O.S. Zod:
And you, you believe your son is safe? I will find him and reclaim what you have taken from us! I will find him! I will find him, Lara! I will find him!
“Bane”:
That’s too subtle; you must move the words in your mouth and be willing to open the mouth with intensity. (M.O.S. Zod repeats the line, this time closer to how he does it in the movie.) You’re getting there! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Zod has decided to declare war on the Kryptonian Elders and overthrow the Government. Jor-El escapes and makes it to the registry, where he takes a McGuffin called the Codex and takes it. Just as baby Kal-El is placed into his rocket, Jor-El gives the usual spiel about how he will do great things, and then Kal-El is infused with the Codex as Zod tries to capture Jor-El. Jor-El suits up to fight Zod to ensure Kal-El has safely launched off Krypton and hopefully lands on Earth. Jor-El tells Zod about Kal-El being the first naturally born baby in a thousand generations, and Zod’s natural response is to call the Baby a Heresy and wants the baby killed! However, Jor-El sacrifices himself to protect his son and his son’s escape. The council regains control and arrests Zod and his followers, then schlep them off to the Phantom Zone, and sure enough, just as Zod and his followers are sent to the Phantom Zone, Krypton goes KABOOM! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Yeah, I know the parallels from the Christopher Reeve classic and its sequels are there, but let’s face it, when you’re talking about Superman, there will ALWAYS be parallels and comparisons to the classic actors who played Superman. I’m sure Christopher Reeve had to face comparisons to George Reeves and Kirk Alyn. I am sure that it happened to John Haymes Newton and Gerard Christopher when they put on the Super suit, even though they played Superman as did Dean Cain, Tom Welling, and possibly the other guy currently in the Super suit Tyler Hoechlin, so, it’s not a new phenomenon. Why am I talking about this? It’s because the more they talk about how we loved the legends, now, it is also reminder as to why we’re so quick to dismiss something that is trying to carry their torch and add their flame to the fire. (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Kal-El makes it to earth as we then cut to a Crab boat where we see Clark Kent, played by Henry Cavill as he, has a job as a greenhorn on the crew as we see an Ocean Oil Rig going boom! Clark makes it to rescue the crew, as we see another problem people had with the movie. Flashing back to help establish how Clark’s powers start to manifest as he got to his current age as we see him as a kid trying to control his X-Ray Vision as well as Super hearing and heat vision, and the only one who can help is his mother, played by Diane Lane. Finally controlling that ability, we soon find present-day Clark having just taken clothes off a clothesline, and we soon get another flashback as Clark sees a bus which reminded him of a bus accident where he, Pete Ross, and others, including Lana Lang, as the bus went over the bridge and Clark saving everyone. This leads to this moment (Show clip of Jonathan Kent, played by Kevin Cosner, as he and Clark have a discussion of what he could have done, and Clark asks, “What was I supposed to do? Just let them die?” and Jonathan says “Maybe.” Cut to James as he nurses a headache.)
TLOTA:
You know, this line was in the trailer! I thought it was just for the trailer, and they would have Jonathan Kent, who is supposed to be Clark’s Human Moral Center, say the right answer, which should have been “NO! But you must be careful, you have amazing abilities, and if someone were to figure out who you are, they could come after you through the people you love! I know it is difficult to hear this, but I would only say this if I did not care for your well-being. We have loved you since we found you, and one day, you will be able to show who you are and what you can do, but please be more careful for now. I love you; never forget that. Now, wash up; we have chores to take care of and dinner after that!” That would have been LIGHTYEARS better than just simply “Maybe.” Play the clip; I’ve got nothing at this point! (Play the clip of Robert Wagner saying “Oy Gevalt” in “Austin Powers In Goldmember” Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Jonathan goes on to show Clark the ship in the root cellar of the barn, and they have a touching moment in which Clark realizes he has been adopted. However, Jonathan tries to remind Clark that even though he’s adopted, he is still Jonathan and Martha’s child and that they love him. We then find Clark as he’s employed at a bar in Canada as some of their soldiers enter and talk about Elsmere Island and something else found there. However, at this bar, there is an asshole who hits on a waitress, and Clark tries to intervene without using his powers but makes up for that by using them on the asshole’s truck, impaling them with the logs from the trees! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Forget it; if we haven’t gotten an answer as to why and if anyone noticed, we’ll never get it. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We’re soon thereafter introduced to Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams, to investigate the events that are happening with Professor Emil Hamilton and Col. Hardy, and yes, it is da daddy of “Law And Order: Organized Crime” Christopher Meloni! Hit me with every Elliot Stabler joke that you can come up with, I await them in the comments! Any way Lois is there to investigate what’s going on. Taking photos, she notices Clark traveling towards what is out there. Lois decides to follow Clark; remember, she’s not happy until she’s won the Pulitzer Prize for Journalism infinite times, even if they give it to her posthumously. She nearly gets it that way as Clark activates the ship, and the ship's robotic guards attack both Clark and Lois. Clark then meets his biological father, Jor-El, as Lois is healed and left to be found by the Canadian Army, and the ship takes off. Hearing this story now is Perry White, played by Laurence Fishbourne, but he basically tells her to kill the story. Instead, she sends it to an Internet Reporter to use in their blog. Meanwhile, up North, Jor-El introduces himself properly and gives a backstory dump, and then we soon see Clark in the Superman Suit. Clark, as a soul in tension, is learning to fly in conditions unknown and is determined to try. He’s got to keep his eye on the circling sky, tongue-tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit aye! (Show Clark as he tries to fly and eventually does so) Soon enough, Lois's further investigation sends her to Smallville, and at Jonathan Kent’s Grave, she finds Clark. We discover why he hasn’t shown his full self to the world as we go back to another flashback as Jonathan and Clark have a father and son argument in which Clark should’ve apologized for what he said, but a tornado has come; Jonathan tells Clark to help everyone get to the overpass which is the worst place to be especially since a tornado can blow people away. As Jonathan and Clark get the last of the people out of the way, Jonathan goes back for Martha’s dog, The dog gets out okay, and Clark, who is not that far away even at normal human running speed and could have easily taken his father whose leg was busted, out of danger, Jonathan decides to Martyr himself because... I honestly have no god damned clue! It would’ve been easy as peeling a banana for Clark to grab Jonathan, not use his powers and get him safe. But apparently, they needed it to happen so there can be an added Trama and Drama to the story, plus I think Kevin Costner really didn’t like the movie’s vibes and was like, “Yep, this is one of the last times you’ll see me in a movie, Hello “YELLOWSTONE”! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Though what has been said about what’s happening there, I have no clue as to what Costner’s reasoning is anymore. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Lois decides to bury the story, as the Government notices something out of the ordinary on the moon! If it is a castle with monsters in there, contact Billy Cranston at Cranston Tech! (Everything blacks out as it cuts to James physically)
TLOTA (Audio Only):
I PAID THE POWER BILL, WHAT THE HEL... (Signal Interruptions occur as the words are “YOU...ARE...NOT...ALONE!” Multiple times as a video from with a distorted voice saying that he is coming, and he is coming for this planet as it cuts back to James.)
TLOTA:
...THE HELL WAS THAT?! (James walks out to talk to everyone.) Did you guys see that or hear that? (Cut to everyone else)
Chad Narducci:
As the elected leader of everyone here who is STILL pissed from what you did back at the end of 2022 until March of 2023, I have been told to tell you to take a hike! (James sighs as he walks away defeated. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Clark goes to a priest for advice, and we get yet another flashback when Clark sits back and takes an ass beating, and Jonathan says, “How Proud he was Clark took an ass beating” Oy Vey! I digress; Clark listens to the priest’s advice and turns himself to the Government as Lois interrogates Clark and talks about the “S” on his suit and how it means “Hope” and, to be fair... (Cut to everyone else in team TLOTA as they shout, “TO BE FAIR! NOW PISS OFF JAMES!” as it cuts to James in his office as he reacts to everyone still being angry before shaking that off.)
TLOTA:
I’m glad it’s something that they have integrated into the continuity of Superman. That the “S” simply doesn’t just stand for Superman. It stands for something good, like hope! We could all use it, especially nowadays. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Zod’s second in command Faora-Ul, played by Antje Traue, claims Clark and wants Lois as well. Wait what? At this point, anyone with answers may be in a mental health facility! Zod then tells Clark about what he has been up to, how he wants the Codex, and that with the Codex, he can rebuild Krypton on Earth, meaning that we would be TOAST, and they plan on extracting the information from Clark. Meanwhile, Lois, off-screen, is interrogated and then left to rot in the ship when she puts the “El” Key into the ship as Jor-El takes over the ship, helps Lois escape and Clark to rescue and tells Clark that he can be the bridge to link Krypton to Humanity. However, because of what Zod plans to do, he sends his troops to the Kent farm, which leads to, OF Course, the Smallville battle that is filled with commercially known brands. Yeah, the gratuitous usage of IHOP, SEARS, and U-Haul brands as Smallville is reduced to rubble! Screw the fact that Clark’s fellow Smallville citizens and the armed forces were being decimated. Yes, the Kryptonians and Clark, or rather this universe's version of “Superman,” could’ve taken the fight outside of town but let’s face it, Zod is so God-damned single-minded that he would decimate an entire town to get the Codex, and rebuild Krypton on the remains of earth and kill us in the process. But there was one good moment at the beginning of this fight as Zod’s soldiers threaten Clark’s mom. In possibly the most unintentionally funny moment of this movie, Superman starts fighting back and threatens Zod’s third in command, who is a giant, and screams, “How dare you threaten my mother!” or something like that! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So no question about it when in doubt, don’t blame the Sociopath that will destroy everything in his grasp to regain something that has GONE LONG SINCE THE LAST TIME HE SAW IT! Blame the guy who was doing the best he could to keep the loss of lives down to a minimum of ONE! Possibly his own life to protect everyone! Again, the clip. (Play the clip of Robert Wagner saying “Oy Gevalt” in “Austin Powers In Goldmember” Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So, after nearly reducing the number of citizens in Smallville and his own forces, and seeing that “Superman” is trying to help Col. Hardy, FINALLY GETS THROUGH HIS THICK GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING SKULL THAT THE GUY WHO RESCUED ONE OF HIS SOLDIERS, FOUGHT OFF ALL OF ZOD’S SOLDIERS THAT HE SAYS “SUPERMAN” IS ON OUR SIDE! If it weren’t for the fact that certain people in my family have problems with Alcohol, I WOULD BE DRINKING MY WEIGHT IN TEQUILA RIGHT F’ING NOW! (UGHS!) So, after all that, apparently, the scientist on Zod’s ship discovers that The Codex is Kal-El, and they can use him to rebuild Krypton on Earth, and Kal-El doesn’t need to be alive to keep the Codex functional! So, it’s time for Zod to terraform Earth into New Krypton! However, during a moment between Lois and Jor-El during her time on the ship, Jor-El tells Lois about how the Kryptonian ships work and how they can recalibrate Superman’s ship into a device that will stop one of the Terraformers in Metropolis and “Superman” will stop the one on the other end of the planet that connects to Smallville which is in the Indian Ocean! Zod uses a ship to protect the Terraformer Metropolis is being slammed with Gravitational forces. Superman overcomes the major environmental issue on the Indian Ocean Terraformer, and WAIT A SECOND! (The scene pauses at the face of Henry Cavill’s Superman as he flies up, and then his face is stretched.) Is it me, or does it look like they digitally placed Christopher Reeve’s face on Henry Cavill’s, or maybe it was the lighting and how the fan was angled? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And if they did go the Digital placing, it lasted, I think, for a second but long enough for someone, ME, to notice. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Back in Metropolis, Lois, Col, Hardy, and Professor Hamilton are flying Superman’s ship to stop the other Terraformer, and they’re being hunted by Zod and Faora-Ul in the same ship Superman had up North. However, something is wrong, “Superman’s” Ship and Key aren’t connecting, which gives Faora-Ul an opportunity to try and stop them. However, Col. Hardy decides to Suicide Bomb the plane into the Terraformer just as Professor Hamilton adjusts the engines. Before you know it, Col. Hardy and the plane goes the same way Christopher Meloni’s career did until he returned to “Law & Order” as Detective Elliot Stabler with his own series “Organized Crime”. And yes, everyone is so glad to have been rescued by Superman WHILE STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRATER THAT USED TO BE METROPOLIS! AND IF THAT WASN’T DIFFICULT ENOUGH TO STOMACH, ZOD SURVIVED! Okay, granted, this was after “Superman” decided to save humanity and reject Zod’s version of Krypton, and that’s a kettle of fish I am not going near! But I digress; Zod survived and decides that if his Krypton is dust, he will reduce his world to dust himself. This leads, of course, to more destruction of what’s left of Metropolis, which leads to this moment. (Show clip of Zod saying, “I was trained to be a warrior, Kal, trained my entire life to master my senses. WHERE DID YOU TRAIN? ON A FARM?!?!” Cut to Tom Hardy’s “Bane” from “The Dark Knight)
“Bane”:
YEEESHS! HE HAS FINALLY GONE FULL HAAAAAAAAAM! It brings a tear to my eyes (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Well, it brings me to realize that this Zod has no substance to his actions or words, and what he will do next will taint the legacy of Superman on the Big Screen until his next Big Screen iteration! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
"Superman” and Zod continue their brawl until we reach (Sighs) The moment! The moment that will haunt Superman fans forever! As Zod uses his heat vision to kill a family that should be running for their lives, Superman (Sighs and cries for a second and then growls) KILLS ZOD SNAPPING HIS NECK LIKE A TWIG! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And apparently, that moment happened because David S Goyer thought it would make Superman, Cool and the fact that Zack Snyder agreed with him sicken me! Superman is cool because he shows mercy to his opponents and takes them down without killing them! He is cool because he does what is right, no questions asked, no asking for a reward for doing what is right! Not because he kills his opponents! What makes Superman cool is that he will fight a man without having to take their life! Superman is supposed to represent the best in all of us! The Greatness that we should be at right now! The wherewithal to know what is right and wrong in this universe! The Common Sense to see what we need to do to better ourselves! Superman must never kill to be what everyone thinks is Cool! We have “Heroes” that kill, “Heroes” that go to the extremes that everyone thinks is right, and guess what? They lack the common decency to be a fraction of the Superhero that Superman is. But when that moment happened, it nearly DECIMATED EVERY OUNCE OF ALL THE LEGACIES OF THE PERFORMERS BEFORE CAVILL’S “SUPERMAN.” IT THREATENED TO TAINT THE LEGACY OF HOECHLIN’S SUPERMAN IF HOECHLIN DIDN’T USE EVERY OUNCE OF HIS PERFORMANCE AS BOTH CLARK AND SUPERMAN TO REDEEM THE LEGENDS AND DENOUNCE CAVILL’S “SUPERMAN”. Whew, I feel better now as to how I would’ve solved this problem, it’s simple. I consulted a security expert on the moment, and the following is what he told me. (Cut to the “Zod Neck being snapped” scene as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
“He [Superman] totally botched the moment in which he tried to subdue Zod. Instead of having the forearm towards the throat of Zod, Superman should have put the bend on the elbow, and he would have passed out. Then Superman could have stopped Zod and not killed him, or this is just as effective; a good shot to the throat will incapacitate Zod without killing him. Without his ship to contain Zod, it will have to come upon Swanwick until he can stand trial and face judgment for what he did.” (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
That is how he would’ve done it, I would’ve done an elbow on the top of the head to render him unconscious and then have him face trial, but that’s me. As for the ending of this movie... (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Well, the fact that “Superman” destroys a multi-million-dollar spy drone sent up to keep an eye on him and delivers it to Swanwick and tells Swanwick to trust him that he is a good guy and was raised in the Mid-West, so those values must mean something. As for Clark, he joins the Daily Planet as a journalist, even though he has Bupkis in terms of credibility or a Journalistic degree, and Lois “Welcomes Clark to the Planet” as this movie ends. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And to this day, after seeing it in the theaters, on tv, digital, and any other way I could watch it, I am still someplace I never thought I would be, on the fence between liking and hating this movie. (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I will say what I do like about it. As much as I have harped on Cavill’s performance, you can see he wants to be the Superman everyone knows and loves; Amy Adams is trying to be a memorable Lois Lane, Laurence Fishbourne is a good Perry White, and you can tell that some of the flying sequences work. When they don’t, it shows. However, the music, the dark cinematography, the whole Jonathan Kent “Maybe” moment, and that unforgivable moment towards the end that nearly destroyed Superman as a “City set on top of a hill” and as a hero really make it hard for me to enjoy this movie and why DC’s movies have been difficult to enjoy and why the Wonder Woman movie is still the Diamond in the turd pile of these movies. If you liked it, fine. If you didn’t like it, fine. But for me, this is one time where I have to say, it’s a movie that I must be ready to enjoy before I watch a cheesy Superhero movie just to balance my movie-watching experience. Maybe, JUST Maybe, with James Gunn involved in the DC Movies, not only will they finally be on par with Marvel and their Cinematic Universe, AND if what is happening with “The Flash” movie is true, then we can finally forget what DC has done in the past decade once and for all! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I will spend some time watching some good DC Media, think about how quickly ten years have passed, and say Thank you. Thank you to the people that still check out my work. Thank you to the friends and colleagues that I made and lost in the past ten years. Thank you to those of my family who are here (James looks at a photo of his brother and his father. Audio only) and to those who are with me in spirit. Thank you to Manic Expression for letting me contribute and allowing me to be as awesome as everyone there. To Rowdy, you gave me my first big break, and I am grateful. To Stevie and Gus, I thank you for putting up with me for as long as you had, and I hope one day we can be friends and work together again one day. To the cast who worked on “Life As A Mermaid” that I worked with and then they promptly told me to take a hike, I am one hundred percent sorry for all I’ve done and hope you can forgive me, and maybe we can work together again one day as well. As it has been for the past ten years, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that’s my opinion.
