(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone, as it opens a portal.)
(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown, then slide away to different images of Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl, and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.)
(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.)
(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Entertainment Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.)
(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.)
(Cut to James in his office)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and before we go to our Monstertober, let’s celebrate another “American Icon.
(Cut to Guitar music like “American Idiot” plays as James Faraci and Paulo Fonseca on guitars, Andrew Beach on Bass Guitar, and Nick Lopez on the Drums and the set is like the set of “American Idiot” except the colors are Patriotically Red, White, and Blue)
James Faraci (Singing):
All year we’re cheering American Icons! (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) Twelve months of heroes of Cinema! (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) From John Wayne to Rocky Balboa (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) Oh, hell yeah, we’re talking about them all! (The tune continues) [Chorus] Welcome to the two hundred and fiftieth, hoping we’ll see two fifty-one! And we can finally be Okay! Humans dream of a better tomorrow, knowing it won’t be hollow! For me that’s good enough! (Drums play and the music continues.) We’re going to show off the hard work! (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) Even if it makes me look like a real jerk. (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) Now everyone get ready to celebrate with us! (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) And make sure you have a dose of common sense. (The tune continues) [Chorus] Welcome to the two hundred and fiftieth, hoping we’ll see two fifty-one! And we can finally be Okay! Humans dream of a better tomorrow, knowing it won’t be hollow! For me that’s good enough! (Drums play and the music continues with a guitar solo.) All year we’re cheering American Icons! Twelve months of heroes of Cinema! Information about them will be a lot, you’re going to know whether you like or not [Chorus] Welcome to the two hundred and fiftieth, hoping we’ll see two fifty-one! And we can finally be Okay! Humans dream of a better tomorrow, knowing it won’t be hollow! For me that’s good enough! (Drums play and the music continues and concludes and the words “Americans Icons” are put up in different styles of text. The scene cuts to a series of pictures of Mel Brooks and clips of his movies as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I can’t believe I forgot about this year being Mel Brooks’ 100th birthday! Am I a schmendrick or what? He’s brought so much laughter to our world, but believe it or not, once he created his own production company, “Brooksfilms,” he helped create more than just the movies he’s known for. He worked with David Lynch on his adaptation of “The Elephant Man” and has done dramatic movies such as “Frances” and Sci-Fi movies such as “Solarbabies.” So, he is more than just the king of parody comedy; he is great behind the camera as much as in front of it, and he's willing to help other directors make their movies. And I salute him for being one of the best auteurs I have the pleasure of knowing through his work. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And for me, this is one of the craziest things Mel has produced, and believe me, given the man’s filmography, it's saying a lot about Mel’s work, especially when he teams up with David Cronenberg! (Cut to the opening title card of the 1986 “The Fly” movie, then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Based on the 1950s short story and the 1958 film of the same name. “The Fly” is David Cronenberg’s most commercial film but also the most disturbing thing Mel Brooks has produced; but forty years later, is it still as scary and disturbing as when it came out of the teleportation pod? Well, today we’ll find out. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Let’s get ready to enjoy a “Cheeseburger” and hopefully not lose our lunch in the process. This is “The Fly.” (Cut to “The Fly” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We open with what appears to be genetic material as the credits roll; we then come to an event where we are introduced to Seth Brundle, played by Jeff Goldblum, as he tells someone that he is working on something that’ll change the world, to a reporter named Veronica, played by Geena Davis, as Seth invites Veronica back to his place to see the device. They arrive at his place, see the device, and Seth plays a classical piece on the piano while they jokingly talk about his pods. (Show the clip of the telepods as they take Veronica’s stockings to the telepods and teleport them from one pod to the other. Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
So yeah, the dude has officially made the US Postal Service and every other delivery service obsolete! (Cut to “The Fly” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Seth shows that the teleportation worked, showing her stockings made it back intact. Veronica starts recording the meeting; Seth tells her he’s sorry for telling her and that she can’t use anything they used. Telling her boss and ex-boyfriend Stathis Borans, played by John Getz, about what she saw and the comments Seth made, Borans basically thinks this is insane, and Seth decides to talk with Veronica so that way he can convince her with one word! (Cut to Seth as he says “Cheeseburger.” Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
It’s Jeff Goldblum, what did you expect! (Cut to “The Fly” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Seth asks Veronica to help him document the research; he's done inanimate objects well, but living objects not so much. Seth tells Veronica to make him her project! Convinced he’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, Veronica goes back to her apartment, where Boranis thinks he can do what he can to her because they used to date. Back with Seth, Veronica sees the first attempt to teleport a living being with “Disturbing results.” Seth is angry that the first attempt failed because the computers didn’t take everything into consideration. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And given computers back in the 1980s, what did you expect? (Cut to “The Fly” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After a night of the spicy tango, Seth gets inspired to reprogram the computer to understand the complexity of living tissue. First, using a steak, then the Baboon’s sibling. When the Baboon's teleportation works, Veronica tells her editor/ex-boyfriend what she saw. However, Borans seems to want to show what Seth has done before it’s finished. Veronica confronts Borans, and Seth watches them talk. Convinced Veronica is now set to return to Borans, Seth decides to test the telepod on himself, not realizing a fly is in the pod with him. Seth emerges from the pod feeling better, but the changes soon start, though he feels stronger than he had been. He thinks that the teleportation “purified’ him. Ronnie notices hair growing on a wound on his back. Freaked the hell out from what she saw, Veronica runs for it as he becomes more arrogant and violent. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And given Geena Davis’ track record with men, Goldblum included, if it weren’t for bad luck, she ties with Elizabeth Taylor for how many husbands and boyfriends she had. (Cut to “The Fly” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Deciding to blow off steam, Seth goes to a bar and gets into an arm-wrestling match, where this happens. (Show the clip of Seth using digestive enzymes and strength to break a person’s arm. Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
It’s a good thing I didn’t have lunch today! (Cut to “The Fly” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Seth also decides to bring back a woman of the night who looks like Missy Hyatt and convince her to try the telepod. Veronica goes back and gives her the heave-"HO"! And Seth gives Veronica the boot. Finally, Seth begins further transformation as he sees something is wrong, and parts begin to fall off; to give the practical effects credit, it’s creepy as all hell! Realizing something is finally wrong and reviewing the computer’s assessment, Seth discovers he has been fused with a fly. Several weeks later, Seth reconnects with Ronnie as he continues to deteriorate and nicknames himself “Brundlefly.” (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
That sounds like a product (Cut to “The Fly” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Seeing that he is becoming more fly-like and losing his humanity, Veronica worries that the Seth she met is going to be destroyed. Seth begins to create a fusion program to remove the Fly DNA. As that goes on, Veronica discovers she’s pregnant with Seth’s baby but worries it might be him when he started his transformation, and that the only way to protect both Seth and herself is to get rid of the baby. (Show Veronica giving birth to a giant maggot! Cut to James walking away. Cut to a bathroom door as the sound of James washing himself and saying “Not clean enough! NOT CLEAN ENOUGH!” as everyone else on the team waits outside. Cut to “The Fly” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So after...THAT, Veronica decides to go through with it, and has Borans by her side. But Seth isn’t going to let her get it done, as he takes Veronica to keep her there until she carries the baby to term. Borans comes in with a shotgun, but with one use of digestive enzymes, well...(Show the clip of Borans losing his hand. Cut to a bathroom door as the sound of James washing himself and saying “Still not clean enough! STILL NOT CLEAN ENOUGH!” as everyone else on the team waits outside and Nick Lopez knocks on the door.)
Nick Lopez:
James, this is the second time in an hour you have tried to wash yourself clean. What is going on? (James opens the door)
TLOTA:
It’s the 1986 movie “The Fly.”
(Everyone else says in unison, “Say No More!” James closes the door and continues to clean himself. Cut to “The Fly” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Seth, now desperate to regain his humanity, decides, “Screw it, I am going to fuse myself, Veronica, and the unborn baby into one uber creature, hoping to regain his human form, with the ripping off of the jawbone of an ass, and MADRE DE JESUS DE CHRISTO! (Show Seth's final transformation into a monster fly. Cut to James as he gets up, then cut to everyone else hanging out, getting ready for “Monstertober in Canada,” as they see James grab a can of gasoline, quickly figure out what he is going to do, and run after him! Cut to “The Fly” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So, with the transformation complete, it looks like the end for Veronica as she’s put into telepod one, “Brundlefly,” in the next one, and a disfigured Borans with a shotgun forced to watch as this happens. Borans tries with one lucky shot to disconnect the pod Veronica is in and succeeds. “Brundlefly” tries to get out, but it's too little too late: “Brundlefly” is fused with the pod, and that is how the movie ends. (Show the clip of “Brundlefly” begging for a mercy killing and Veronica tearfully granting it.) So yeah, Seth Brundle became a fly and then got blasted to bits; you can call it a mercy killing, I can call it one of the most disgusting deaths ever put to cinema! ROLL THE CREDITS! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So that was the 1986 “The Fly,” what a way to kick this month off! (Cut to clips of the 1986 “The Fly” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Yeah, this remains, without a shadow of a doubt, the DARKEST movie Mel Brooks ever put his name on as a producer! The practical transformation effects still hold up and make you feel like you need to take a bath for a year. The story of science gone wrong will always interest people, and I loved everyone's acting; I also found the music impressive. It’s one of the better horror movies of the 1980s, and if you want something strong to start your October/Halloween movie marathon off with something this disturbing, then this movie will get your marathon off with a whopper of a cheeseburger! (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
So another American Icon off the list, next up... (James activates his Monstertober shirt and grabs a Mountie hat) We’re heading up to our neighbors from the north as Monstertober goes to Canada, eh! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!
