Saturday, December 21, 2013

Why do we still watch Christmas Specials?

(Commercial Sting with American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing alongside a Christmas tree to Holiday Text saying The Last of the Americans. While the sound of Jingling bells and the sight of snow falling are covering the sting and a candy cane with the word Editorial is placed on top of it all and scene cuts to James sitting down changing channels looking around to see endless Christmas Specials being played when he notices the people looking at him.)
Oh Hey, I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Since it is December, Duh, we're getting our fair share of Christmas Specials and the networks play the ever-living daylights out of them. (Deck The Halls played by Michael Schiciano) But for me that's no surprise, the real surprise is how many adults who don't have kids watch them. I have nieces so technically I shouldn't count myself but I do and so I ask as an adult Why do we still watch Christmas specials? Partly the answer should be that it's there to remind us of our youth when we could watch cartoons on Prime time around this time of year, right? Well with the advent of the internet and Amazon we can get our Christmas specials fix so easily. Another reason I think might be that we need to be reminded why we like Christmas with all the stores trying to herd us in like cattle for their bottom line we need to know that there's more to the holidays like with the story of "A Christmas Carol" Ebenezer Scrooge lost his way because he got caught up with what was his desires and forgot about who was more important him or the world around him and that's why the three spirits were there to A) remind him of who he once was, B) how he became a miserly old jerk and C) what will happen if he keeps acting the way he was before the spirits gave him a kick in the pants. But for those who might need a spiritual reminder of what the Holidays are about that's where Linus' quoting the Bible passage about the birth of Jesus in "A Charlie Brown Christmas Special" shines the best in my opinion. But are there morals in something like "Rudolph" or "Frosty" ? To be honest they're there but it's subtle like with "Rudolph" it's the one that you think should be shunned for being different will be the one to save the day and as for "Frosty" is to believe in something beyond what we know and believe and it's sort of like having to believe in both Santa & Jesus or something will be better. I know I'm stretching my thoughts on this but for all intent & purposes there is no right answer as to why adults with no children still watch Christmas specials, I don't have that answer. But if you're a parent and you watch them with your kids you get to see the same thing they are through their eyes or to be reminded of what your youth was and you can tell what it was like watching it when you were their age and you pass on your memories of your youth. I hope you enjoyed this editorial, I'll see everyone in 2014, now if you'll excuse me, I've got Christmas Specials & Classics to watch (James picks up remote and turns on "You're A Rotten Dirty Bastard" starring The Nostalgia Critic) Well, this one is NOT for the kids but it's a classic very well retold. I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

"Yogi" is this a great Christmas Special or what?

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci riding with Santa on his sleigh, throwing snowballs, singing Christmas Carols with The Muppets, baking cookies, Waxing Rudolph’s red nose to add to the brightness and pal around with Frosty before fading away to see a picture of the North Pole Santa Workshop appears in the background as Jesus Christ, Santa Claus and Santa Christ appear in the foreground as all three stand as a Christmas Tree land over them and James Faraci stands alongside the Christmas tree with a smile on his face and in Holiday text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side as Jingling Bells and snow falls in the intro)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are CHRISTMAS! ( Scene speeds up but audio stays at normal speed as James says Christmas repeatedly as fast as he can as he decorates his place before getting back into his seat and shout Christmas one last time.) I love this time of year it’s when guys like us give back something to you without snark, sarcasm or anything to be harsh. (Scene cuts to photo montage of Christmas Specials as “We wish you a Merry Christmas” played by Michael Schiciano play in the background)  It’s time to watch those Christmas classics like Rudolph, Frosty, Santa Claus is coming to town, Muppets Christmas specials and of course the special I’m going to review today “Yogi’s First Christmas”. (Scene cuts to “Yogi’s First Christmas” title card is seen as “It’s that favorite time of the year” instrumental plays and montage of clips from “Yogi’s First Christmas” play) This is one of the first Non Rankin/Bass & Disney classics that I grew up loving and still gets me in the mood for the Holidays. (Cut back to James) Besides I want to review something fun & nostalgic for the holidays. This is “Yogi’s First Christmas” (Cut to opening) So we see Ranger Smith cart with him Huckleberry Hound, Snagglepuss & Augie Doggy & Doggy Daddy up to Jellystone Lodge as they make it to the lodge the gang talk about how sad it is that Yogi & Boo-Boo won’t be able to join them due to the fact that they’re hibernating and how last year’s festivities were jinxed in some weird way.

Ranger Smith: We had enough trouble last year without him.

Doggy Daddy: Ya mean all those scary things that were happening all the time?

Huckleberry Hound: Like that big old Snowball that crashed into the lodge.

Ranger Smith: Yep

Augie Doggy: And stealing the Santa suit from my prize winning Snowman

Ranger Smith: Uh-Huh!

Huckleberry Hound: And like all that howling at night? (Howls) Never did find out who did that.

Ranger Smith:  But if they try any of that scary stuff this year, I’ll know what to do. (Cut to James’ audio over the video)

TLOTA: But we soon meet our villain Herman the Hermit who’s retired from the human world and spills to himself how he’s been doing all the wrong doing and will continue to do so until the mountain is abandoned from other people.

Herman The Hermit: Well this year, I’ll scare them good. (Cut to James’ audio over the video)

TLOTA: We soon meet Chef Otto & the Lodge manager Marty Dingwell who seem to have the weight of the world on their shoulders as Mrs. Throckmorton, the owner of the winter lodge plans to sell the lodge for a freeway because of what Herman did last year and if she is treated well she’ll put the kibosh on the sale. Meanwhile the music finally catches Yogi’s ear and makes his way into the lodge and finds himself in the crosshairs of Chef Otto and the smell of the food makes Yogi hungry. But Chef Otto thinks they’re there to help him in the Kitchen and as you would expect hilarity ensues.

Yogi Bear: One chopped egg coming up! Choppity chop-chop! (Cut to James Faraci)

TLOTA: Well at least he didn’t do it while Chef Gordon Ramsey was there. (Cut to scene of Gordon Ramsey getting angry at Hell’s Kitchen contestant as clip of Yogi saying One Chopped egg coming up! Choppity chop-chop! Then cutting the egg in half splattering the egg everywhere and Gordon Ramsey going after Yogi with a meat cleaver! Scene cuts back to “Yogi’s First Christmas” and James doing audio over video) Eventually Yogi realizes he’s up in time for Christmas and everyone celebrates, except for Ranger Smith & Mr. Dingwell who after this might institutionalize himself after this if he can’t get Yogi & Boo-Boo back into their cave for hibernation. But Yogi & Boo-Boo commandeer a snowplow and the two make a run for it just in time to save Mrs. Throckmorton & her nephew Snively and help them make it to the lodge and to thank Yogi for saving her life she gets the two promoted to bellboys and soon enough the two make more hijinks as they do their job and the activities for a winter carnival. Meanwhile Herman the Hermit tries to salt the ice to ruin the skating but Yogi driving a Zamboni sends the salt on to Herman the Hermit. Meanwhile the ice skating competition is pretty much set in stone as Snively skates circles around the others despite Mrs. Throckmorton’s hopes that he loses all the competitions to learn humility. But fortunately Yogi wins the competition with Mrs. Throckmorton’s ice skates and the next competition is downhill skiing but the competition is not too good and thankfully Yogi’s own hot doggin’ makes Mrs. Throckmorton give Yogi a promotion to Ski instructor and sends Ranger Smith to keep the First Aid station on stand-by. Meanwhile Yogi is given the additional responsibility to help with the Christmas Carol Choir but Mrs. Throckmorton suggest we get more females in there as Boo-Boo gets Cindy Bear to join in the activities. Meanwhile Yogi is teaching Skiing to everyone else just as Ranger Smith and Mrs. Throckmorton make their way to the ski lift Herman sends Ranger Smith on a wild fire goose chase and sabotages the ski lift. But as the lesson goes well as making “Home Alone” 3-5 & yes there is a fifth one, Yogi saves Mrs. Throckmorton yet again. Meanwhile Cindy’s got one thing on her mind, kissing Yogi and something that might make Cindy shout Ho! Ho! Ho! But as Mrs. Throckmorton and the others enjoy Old Faithful Mrs. Throckmorton must make the hardest decision of her life to sell the lodge & promote Yogi to head of security after thwarting another one of Herman’s schemes through the power of COOL RUNNINGS! (Show slightly altered scene as Herman enters the tunnel then a loud crash is heard and the scene of tunnel shake and Audio from Cool Runnings is heard.)

Derice Bannock: Sanka, ya dead?

Sanka Coffie: Yeah mon!

Derice Bannock: Good, You can pee now.

Sanka Coffie: Um, Too late. (Scene cuts back to James Faraci)

TLOTA: What? I found it funny. (Cut to James’ audio over the video) At the last competition of the carnival which just so happens to be an ice fishing contest. Doggy Daddy and Snively seem to be in the lead however I think trying to drown your competition could’ve gotten Snively disqualified had Yogi not saved Doggy Daddy who was warming up in an ice fishing shed and Snively walking into an open ice fishing hole. Snively tried to blame Yogi for nearly freezing to death. But Yogi tells Mrs. Throckmorton what Snively did that makes Mrs. Throckmorton punish Snively but he runs away. Yogi & the gang form a search party while Snively finds himself in Herman the Hermit’s cave and then we get this. (The “Mean, Nasty, Rotten & Cruel” song plays as scenes cuts to James reacting with fear as the scenes in which the fire burns and Herman shouts BAH! And scene cuts to James jump back in his seat. Scene cuts back to Snively as a devil and devils dance in a line and scene cuts to James ducking under his desk as scene returns to the cave and scene cuts to James as he pops up as the song ends and Herman & Snively come for a close up at the end of the song scene cuts to James as the camera zooms to his face which is terrified as the scene with Snively and Herman has an angry look on their face scene cuts to James scared stupid) Okay, This holiday fruitcake is about 12 seconds away from dropping a WHOLE LOTTA COAL into my White Christmas underwear! I’m going to take a break. I’ll be back! (James runs away in fear and Diarrheic sounds from “Dumb & Dumber play in the distant background)

(Commercial Sting with American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing alongside a Christmas tree to Holiday Text saying The Last of the Americans. While the sound of Jingling bells and the sight of snow falling are covering the sting. Cutting away from the review) (Cut to black background and “Merry Christmas to you” intro plays on a Piano and Todd In The Shadows do a voice over as Comic Strip Critic steps into a spotlight)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): His music has made prisoners at Guantanamo Bay commit suicide! (Cut to Comic Strip Critic in the spotlight with a microphone)

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune): Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. (Piano Music changes to O Holy Night)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): Going to his concerts is a violation of the Geneva Convention on Cruel & Unusual punishment (Cut to Comic Strip Critic in the spotlight with a microphone)

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune): O Holy Night the stars are brightly shining. (Music volume diminishes 95% as voiceover continues)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): He is Michael Bolton & now we’re doomed as he butchers Christmas classics in Michael Bolton sings Christmas classics. (Piano Music changes to Silent Night, Holy Night)

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune): Silent Night, Holy Night, All is calm all is bright (Piano Music changes to The First Noel)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): You’ll hear such classic Christmas songs be put through a meat grinder like Jingle Bells, All I want for Christmas is you, Jingle Bell Rock & The First Noel!

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune): The first noel, the angels did sing. (Cut to cover of CD with Comic Strip Critic and a Microphone and the words Michael Bolton sings Christmas Classics)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): And if you order this, not only will we provide you with enough Jack Daniels Whiskey to kill an elephant so you don’t have to live with the shame of buying this musical abomination in addition we’ll throw in Michael McDonald sings Christmas Novelty Songs (Piano plays Grandma got run over by a reindeer as James Faraci looking like Michael McDonald)

James Faraci (sounding like he’s crying as he’s singing like Michael McDonald): Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house Christmas Eve. You can say that there’s no such thing as Santa, but as for me and Grandpa we believe! (Piano plays The Night Santa went crazy)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): You’ll hear him put enough pain in a Christmas Novelty song to make Darwinists to take a trip off the Empire State Building with his renditions of The Chipmunks Christmas song, Christmas at Ground Zero, I want a hippopotamus for Christmas & The Night Santa went crazy

 James Faraci (sounding like he’s crying as he’s singing like Michael McDonald): The night Santa went crazy. The Night St. Nick went insane! Realized he’d been getting the raw deal, something finally must have snapped in his brain!  (Scene cuts to CD covers of James with the Words Michael McDonald’s Christmas Novelty Songs & Comic Strip Critic and a Microphone and the words Michael Bolton sings Christmas Classics)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): You’ll get both CDs and the eternal shame knowing you bought them and you can’t return them along with enough Jack Daniels Whiskey to kill an elephant for the low, low, low price of ten easy payments of Nineteen dollars & ninety nine cents. (Scene cuts to the two doing a duet to Let It Snow)

James Faraci (sounding like he’s crying as he’s singing like Michael McDonald): Oh! The weather outside is frightful!

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune): But the fire is so delightful and since we’ve got no place to go!

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune) & James Faraci (sounding like he’s crying as he’s singing like Michael McDonald):  Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it Snow! 

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): Ugh, Just buy the damned music so they’ll stop torturing me!

(Commercial Sting with American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing alongside a Christmas tree to Holiday Text saying The Last of the Americans. While the sound of Jingling bells and the sight of snow falling are covering the sting returns to the review)

TLOTA: (Audio over video): So after that nightmare fuel haunts you for the rest your days, Snively discovers that Herman was the guy who has been sabotaging the Jellystone Winter Lodge’s Christmas Carnival for the past few years.  (Scene cuts to James Faraci visually) But if I can interject logic into what Herman considers his master plan. If Mrs. Throckmorton sells the Lodge and the land you believe you’re entitled to due to squatter’s rights, they’re going to put a freeway into that area. So you’ll have to deal construction workers paving eight lanes of cement from one point to another through the land you think you’re going to have when you think you’ll have your victory by shutting down the lodge but it’ll last for a micro-fraction of the time you think the victory will be! (Cut back to Audio over video)But I digress, so Augie Doggy & Doggy Daddy find a reindeer even though they’re supposed to be looking for Snively when they stumble upon Snively looking like an elf and Herman the Hermit as Santa and I kid you not Augie Doggy & Doggy Daddy cannot tell it’s Snively even though he sounds like his usual bratty self in that costume! But Augie Doggy & Doggy Daddy direct the duo to the Lodge so the duo can fulfil their plan to take the ornaments and fully ruin the Winter Lodge’s carnival and holiday party. (Clip from “Naked Gun 33& 1/3” in which they all slap themselves on the forehead then returns to the Audio over the video) But THANKFULLY Mr. Dingwell and Ranger Smith aren’t rock stupid, the two recognizes the elf as Snively, alert everyone about what’s going on. Snively & Herman get the ornaments hijack Ranger Smith’s helicopter but as that’s happening Cindy & Boo-Boo who are asleep in the cart find themselves in danger as the cart they’re in while the two are catching 40 winks is over the geyser which by coincidence is when Yogi gets to them but can’t get the cart to move just in time to have Ranger Smith’s stolen helicopter come by for Yogi to grab the helicopter and since the two can’t shake Yogi, Boo-Boo & Cindy off the weight sends them back to the lodge where the three land in a pile of straw and the Helicopter crashes and the ornaments are safe and it appears that Herman is going away for a long time. But for some reason Mrs. Throckmorton decides not to press charges on Herman & again promote Yogi this time to Lodge Manager(Scene cuts to James Faraci visually) You know, I’ve tried to keep the snark to a minimum but Mrs. Throckmorton YOU ARE DUMB! You are making Dixie Carter of TNA Impact Wrestling look competent in comparison and if the stories of how Financially screwed up that company is, I am not surprised that Hulk Hogan quit your company Dixie Carter, there was NO Shock AJ Styles left the company with the Championship because you refused to re-sign him to a real deal Dixie Carter and if you are paying your wrestlers in real American currency, I’ll be the first person to call Ripley’s Believe It Or Not because if you are paying your wrestlers it’s probably in Pesos! (Takes a deep cleansing breath in & out) Now that I got that out of my system, let’s get back to the review. (Cut back to Audio over video) So the night of the party is upon them and Mrs. Throckmorton has Yogi bring in underprivileged kids to the party and has an announcement. She isn’t selling the Lodge but instead donating the Lodge for the housing and caring of the underprivileged. Then amazingly Yogi comes in as Santa and Boo Boo as his helper and as Snively and Herman enjoy such delights as Dried Catfish and berries, Yogi sees the two freezing their butts off and invites them in for food and gives them each presents and the two realize they’ve been going around things the wrong way.

Snively: They’re not Dumb-Dumbs, we are.

TLOTA: (Audio over video): As a matter of fact Cindy gets her Christmas wish come true by getting a kiss from Yogi and as things can’t get more better for everyone. Heeere’s SANTA!  But as the real Santa arrives to give Yogi a Picnic Basket filled with goodies Yogi, Boo-Boo & Cindy fall asleep and what’s the best thing to do take them back to their caves so that they can get back to hibernating and Yogi can enjoy his Christmas gift in April and all ends well. (Scene cuts to James Faraci visually) So that’s “Yogi’s First Christmas” and WOW it is still great to watch. (“It’s that favorite time of the year” instrumental plays and montage of clips from “Yogi’s First Christmas” play) and despite my blow-up over the stupidity the good DEFINITLY outweighs the bad. The story is good, the voice acting in this is amazing, the animation is average Hanna-Barbera 1980’s but surprisingly holds up I can honestly say, this is something everyone should watch. Now if my timing is right, The Rowdy Reviewer and The Comic Strip Critic should be receiving their early Christmas presents right about now. (Scene cuts to the outside of The Rowdy Reviewer’s apartment to see Rowdy open the door to find a package marked “To Rowdy from James”)

Rowdy: Well, this is nice, I wonder what it is? Hopefully not another reminder for that Superman Review. (Rowdy opens the package and reads aloud James’ note & instructions) If you’ve opened this that means you really, REALLY want to do this. Just lift the trigger guard press the button under the guard and hold the button on top for five seconds. Okay. (Rowdy does as the instructions tell him) Now what. (Scene cuts to Cecil Felicitus on Rowdy’s laptop)

Cecil: Hey Rowdy, remember that Asalieri guy who slammed you? (Scene cuts to Rowdy)

Rowdy: He made valid points about me. Yeah, why? (Scene cuts to Cecil)

Cecil: Well I just heard online his place went Kablamo with him inside five seconds ago. (Scene cutting to rowdy looking at the device James got him, seeing the news about Asalieri and putting two & two together)

Rowdy: Thanks James, see you next year! (Scene cuts to The Comic Strip Critic’s place where a package from James with his name on it)

The Comic Strip Critic: Hmm, what’s this and who is this “James Faraci The Last Of The Americans”? (The Comic Strip Critic goes on to and sees the intros & teasers to James’ reviews) Oh that guy, wonder what he got me? (Opens package to see the ultimate Calvin & Hobbes collection) Wow, this guy is a man after my own heart. Thanks James, see ya next year! (Scene cuts back to James Faraci)

TLOTA: There’s nothing like giving your loved ones something they want. What? You guys think I’m going to give my fellow site members these (Right hand goes out of frame to grab the Michael Bolton Christmas Classics & Michael McDonald Christmas Novelty songs CDs), I’ve got these for someone special in mind. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Happy Holidays.  (Time cuts to a few hours later where James is whistling “Cannonball” by Lea Michele.)

TLOTA: That song is catchy, might just become the song of 2014. Okay, so what’s happening for the next few months? Okay January through March I’ve got Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man trilogy. Don’t know why I’m doing it, but I’d better get a few editorials writ before I do something this epic. (Skype ring) Hello? (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer)

Lea Michele: Hey James. (Scene cuts James)

TLOTA: Hey, It’s the best looking lady on “Glee” and again I want to apologize for Chris, who knew after five Coca-Colas and a bottle of Martinelli’s Sparkling Non-Alcoholic Apple Cider he’d be hitting on anything in a skirt. Next thing I know Derek Hough is running after Chris with a guitar in hand then Dianna Agron is prepping to Mace him in the eyes and putting a Taser to his pooper and it’s a miracle Dot didn’t body slam him into a trash can. (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer)

Lea Michele: Look, everything is okay I did damage control and just so you know your friend Chris is one bad incident away from never being allowed anywhere near any of our parties again, but I digress, the reason I called is because there’s a New Year’s Eve soiree and I’d like for you to be my plus one (Scene cuts James)

TLOTA: I’ve got an editorial coming out the 21st and my schedule is clear for the rest of the month. So sure, yeah I’d like to come. (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer)

Lea Michele: See you on New Year’s Eve, Happy Holidays. (Scene cuts James)

TLOTA: Oh by the way I think “Cannonball” will be the song of 2014 and “Louder” will be the album of 2014. See you then good looking & Happy Holidays.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Can we get more Thanksgiving specials?

(Commercial Sting with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then a rubber stamp stamps over the entire thing the word Editorial with a turkey gobbling in place of the usual thud from the Rubber stamp)

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. So I'm at the supermarket with my mom getting thanksgiving fixings. (Turkey in the straw plays in the background) You know what I'm talking about, the turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, pie crust, green beans, pumpkin in a can, apples, the usual foods we associate with the holiday. But when I got home after putting away all the food, having prepared the menu for cooking and I want to sit down and watch a special on Thanksgiving, I'm inundated with more Christmas ads then I was at the store when they were playing Christmas carols! But that's not to say I hate Christmas, I love Christmas but not while I'm getting the thanksgiving turkey and having said that I've got two little requests. One) Can we please, please, PLEASE wait at least a few days AFTER thanksgiving to promote Christmas and Two) Can we get more Thanksgiving specials? It's not that big a request because quite honestly outside of the fourth of July, veteran's day & all the days celebrating our Armed Forces it's the most American holiday ever as a matter of fact it's the first American Holiday. Celebrated a year after the landed here by the Pilgrims who fled both England and the Dutch the first Thanksgiving was a 3-Day Al Fresco party that was celebrated in late September early October but was nixed the next year due to bad crops & after sending the British packing the 13 colonies got together to celebrate Thanksgiving and while a some of the founding fathers tried to give the holiday it's just due, it was the effort of Sarah Hale who wanted a holiday about home, hearth and food in other words Thanksgiving. In fact Abraham Lincoln got so much that he finally gave Sarah satisfaction and declared the final Thursday in November Thanksgiving until Franklin Delano Roosevelt wanted to widen the Christmas shopping season, yeah even back when F.D.R. was president they were Christmas shopping trigger happy mucked it up but public backlash put it right back and a week or two before Pearl Harbor congress sanctions the last Thursday in November Thanksgiving and it wasn't until a Saturday Evening Post cover by Good Ol' Norman Rockwell to make The turkey the Icon of Thanksgiving. Now you might be wondering how I know that, the answer is simple from a Thanksgiving special episode of Good Eats that aired on the Food Network and outside of The two Thanksgiving specials with Charlie Brown, a few specials that air on the History Channel and an all month glut of specials on both the Food & Cooking Channel we've got zipola in terms Thanksgiving specials or for that matter anything having to do with this holiday and that's a shame because the more we can connect to our past we can make our future better and the best way we can pass down what our forefathers did for us to the next generation and I think that's what Sarah Hale was going for and for her efforts I salute her and it is with that in mind that I beg, plead and cry that for more Thanksgiving specials because if we don't do it for us, then do it for the Next Generation. Well, I hope you enjoyed this editorial and I wish every one a Happy Thanksgiving. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an Apple Cider Turkey Brine to make. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & That's my opinion.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

J.F.K. 50 years later

(Commercial Sting with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then a rubber stamp stamps over the entire thing the word Editorial then a secondary stamp covers both with the words "Special Edition")

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are controversial, I'm not going to lie, these are my No Holds Barred thoughts on an event that happened nearly 19 years before I was born. In 1963 on November 22 John Fitzgerald Kennedy, The President Of The United States, was on a motorcade ride through Dealey Plaza in the downtown Dallas area of Texas when three shots by a former marine who was known to have both Marxist beliefs and had defected to the Soviet Union named Lee Harvey Oswald killed John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Since then, every nut with an opinion, every person wanting attention saying they know the truth about what happened on that fateful day even though they're going on hearsay and other people's theories have claimed that there was a plot by someone, something to kill John Kennedy. I am going to say the following, to every conspiracist, to every person with footage of the grassy knoll, to every person who believed Oliver Stone's propaganda picture made in 1991 about the assassination of John Kennedy you're all wrong as far as I'm concerned. Because when it comes to this event, I believe in two things and the two things are Facts & The Truth and for myself we'll never fully know either as long as there are more theories, more people with conspiracies, more people making propaganda like 1991's J.F.K. by Oliver Stone. But for my thoughts on everything is simple, Lee Harvey Oswald acted on his own volition and I'm sure my associate Chris Lee Moore, The Rowdy Reviewer who recently talked about this in a two part review he did and is a citizen of the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington Texas area are in total agreement in the same Occam's Razor thoughts about this and what is worse is that every conspiracy, every opinion throws a black cloud over the national tragedy that occurred on November 22, 1963 and my parents who were in different places in their lives knew where they were when the news hit. My mom was in school after finishing Gym Class got the news from a teacher who according to her was a strong woman but broke down in tears when J.F.K. was assassinated and my dad was a few months away from being inducted into service when the news hit him. But 50 years later after the event we're still talking about this even to this second means it is still one of the biggest events in American History but we need to let the smoke clear away all the conspiracies in order for us to have both the Truth and the facts on this event. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I don't need to say anything else.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

A "Hornet" gets stung

(Scene begins with TMZ intro and TMZ announcer shouts)


(Scene cuts to Harvey Levin who oddly looks like Matthew Morrison comes in to the shaky frame of the camera)

Harvey Levin: Okay, what do you have for us have, C.J.?

(Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from C.J.’s face and C.J. looks like Mark Salling oddly)

C.J.: I’ve got Kim Kardashian, Kanye West & Baby North at the pediatrician’s office! (Camera cuts back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: They’re being good parents? Bigger than the discovery of fire! Run it as the main headline!  (Scene cuts to TMZ cutaway and announcer)

TMZ announcer: TMZ! WE’RE EDGY AND THAT MAKES US COOL! (Scene cuts back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: Kim, Kit what do you got for me? (Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from Kit’s face who looks oddly like Dianna Agron)

Kit: I’ve got Tom Cruise throwing a Molotov cocktail at a church ranting how their alien ways won’t save them from his lord L. Ron Hubbard!

(Camera zooms back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: Oh that wacky Tommy, He’s so silly!

(Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from Kim’s Face who oddly looks like Heather Morris)

Kim: Apparently Lea Michele has found a new man but he calls himself, “The Last Of The Americans”. So much for what’s his name right!?(Everyone in the bullpen laughs uproariously)

Harvey Levin: “The Last Of The Americans”? Seriously?! How much attention are you looking for yourself to call yourself that? (Everyone laughs uproariously again.) Okay, Uh? How do you pronounce your name? (Camera zooms to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans ignoring everyone listening to music until Harvey tossed his shoe at James to get his attention.)

TLOTA: I’m sorry, what were you saying? (Camera cuts to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: How do we pronounce your name? (Camera cuts back to James)

TLOTA: Say DaVinci. (Camera cuts to everyone else)

Everyone else: DaVinci! (Camera back to James)

TLOTA: Now spell it. (Camera cuts away to Ralph who looks like Darren Criss)

Ralph: I know, I have the Tom Hanks movie DaVinci!

TLOTA: Good for you Ralphie! Now instead of Da & Vin. Put in Far and an A that makes an Ah sound to the ci that sounds like Chi and that’s how you say my name. (Camera cuts back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: Cool, why are you ignoring us when we have to do this. (Camera cuts to James)

TLOTA: I don’t mean to ignore you guys but this drowns out the screams of “Oh Satan! Please get your cock out of my ass!” (Camera cuts to everyone else as crickets chirp then cuts to C.J.)

C.J.: Who is saying that? (Camera cuts to James)

TLOTA: Edward R. Murrow!

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

(Scene begins as James is reading the TMZ Guideline while wearing Nitrile Gloves and a respirator mask in a Plastic Wrapped Pleather Chair as Harvey walks by then walks back to James’s cubicle with a look of surprise.)

Harvey Levin: Hey James, what’s up with the...stuff you’re wearing? (Cuts to James Faraci taking off his respirator mask to talk to Harvey)

TLOTA: Speaking the plain truth, I am about as comfortable here as Mel Gibson is in a Synagogue. So to clean up my place a little, I washed my Pleather chair in case the guy who was sitting here before me had a contagious disease I might get then triple wrapped it in sterile plastic wrap so I’m triple dog sure I don’t get anything. As for the Nitrile Gloves and respirator mask well, this is a basic “How-To” book for Prostitutes and if I were to touch or breathe on it without this stuff, I might get Chlamydia! (Cut to Harvey laughing)

Harvey Levin: You’re a funny guy James, a funny guy! (Cut to James sitting in his chair throwing the guideline and grumbling nightmare and grabbing his cell phone)

Cell Phone: Please enjoy the music while you’re party is being reached. (“Good Ol’ Boys” Dukes of Hazzard theme and the Rowdy Reviewer answers)

Rowdy (Audio only): Hey James what’s up?

TLOTA: Dude, I’m in the level of Dante’s Inferno where TMZ is and guess who’s there now!

Rowdy (Audio only): Oh boy!

TLOTA: You’re damned right, oh boy! Can Jeannie blink me out of here? (Scene cuts to The Rowdy Reviewer’s hand getting a Coconut filled with a drink then to The Rowdy Reviewer resting in a hammock in board shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and his traditional Brood cap while Farewell to thee on a Ukulele)

Rowdy: I’d like to, but she’s at a genie convention in Las Vegas right now and I’m not going to bother her but before I left I thought I needed a vacation as well so I asked if she could blink me and the Comic Strip Critic to a Hawaiian hotel. You should see him, he’s quite a surfing fool. (Cut back to James stuck at TMZ)

TLOTA: Well is there anything you can do? (Cut back to Rowdy in paradise)

Rowdy: Well my cats have Jeannie’s Genie Convention schedule, I’ll contact them and see when she has a few free minutes to call me and I will try to get her to blink you here! Just hang in there and stay Rowdy my friend. (Rowdy hangs up. Cut to James hanging up then grumbles Stay Rowdy my friend!  Stay Rowdy my friend! While squeezing his cell phone then sighing to calm down. James then looks in the cubicle next to him and noticing a nice and quiet woman working there looking like Lea Michele.)

TLOTA: Hi there, I’m James. (Cut to The Nice and quiet woman waves and tells James her name)

Karen: I’m Karen. (Cut back to James)

TLOTA: Karen, you know if this were something I was working on, I’d introduce myself as such, “I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours.”(Cut Back to Karen)

Karen: You’re the…. (James cuts her off with a shhh! And we get a cut back to James)

TLOTA: No one & I mean NO ONE must know. Look apparently someone found out that a guy named James Faraci ranted online about how bad a news site TMZ is, I told them I was that guy. But someone on research separated me from The Last Of The Americans which was a mistake on their part because had they put James Faraci & The Last Of The Americans not only would I be ruined so would Lea Michele and I couldn’t do that to her. (Sighs) The worst part of this is that after a few hours here, I’m beginning to think that Seth Rogen might do a better job running this hellhole. He might be pretty good at this better than he did in “The Green Hornet” (Scene cuts to Green Hornet opening credit with Al Hirt’s “Green Hornet” theme plays as well as James does a voiceover random scenes from the movie) And as an internet reviewer, I’d never thought I’d say this but “Batman & Robin” is better in comparison, it made me miss the cheesiness of “Superman III”, “Supergirl” & “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace”, “Catwoman” with Halle Berry is tolerable, “Howard The Duck” is an academy award winner in comparison to Seth Rogen’s “Green Hornet”(Scene cuts back to James & Karen) And what’s worse is that Seth Rogen shows he’s not as good as he thinks he is. (Scene cuts to multiple pictures of Seth Rogen in different ways with James doing a voiceover) But that’s not to say he’s a horrible actor and I’m not saying he’s not funny. His comedic shtick is that he’s a loveable loudmouth with a good heart but his head is on backwards and nowhere is it more apparent than in “The Green Hornet” it kind of shows he’s out of place and somehow Dramatic work won’t be coming his way anytime soon especially after this.(Scene cuts back to James & Karen.) But hey maybe I’m being too harsh without giving him a fair shake, maybe he’ll bring his likeability to the role of Britt Reid aka The Green Hornet. (Scene cuts to Seth Rogen as Britt partying it up like a jackass then cuts to Britt Reid screaming about his coffee tasting bad then cuts back to James & Karen.) Karen could you do me a favor when I say pull would you take this Physical representation I have for my hopes that Seth Rogen gives dignity in his performance of Britt Reid and throw it in the air over my right shoulder.

Karen: Okay (Grabs the box that is the Physical Representation of James’s hopes while James goes into his drawer to grab a handgun then James says pull, Karen tosses it into the air James, not even looking shoots it exploding confetti everywhere.)

TLOTA: There goes that. (Bloodcurdling scream and a thud is heard.) And now I apparently killed the announcer.

TMZ Announcer: You’re wrong, I’m immortal, you can cut my head off and I can die that way but you can’t find me so I’m gonna live forever and awesome! (James sighs and places his hand on his forehead)

TLOTA: Fuck me! Let’s just get to Seth Rogen’s “Green Hornet”. (Opening scene of movie plays as James does a voiceover)So as our movie begins we see James Reid played by Tom Wilkinson having to punish his son for getting into a fight. (Scene cuts to James Reid taking the head off of Britt’s Action figure.)

James Reid: Do you think it makes me happy to do this? (Scene cuts back to James)

TLOTA: Well at least its better how my dad punishes me. (Scene cuts to James crying for death as James’ dad complains as to why James will never succeed then cuts back to footage of movie and James does a voiceover) We cut to present day L.A. where Britt, now grown up and played by Seth Rogen is living it up and acting like a jackass and apparently daddy isn’t happy about the way he’s acting. But thankfully Daddy’s disapproving ways ends with a deadly bee sting leaving Britt in charge and it’s here that we meet Kato played Jay Chou, Wait who? (Record scratches & scene cuts to James on his computer looking up all the Martial Arts masters and finds squat on Jay Chou) Hey Karen you got anything on Jay Chou on the realm of the Martial Arts masters on the internet? (Cut to Karen)

Karen: Nothing, but according to his Imdb he’s a musician. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: A Musician? (Cut to Karen nodding affirmatively then cut back to James) Not a martial artist but a musical artist who makes records. (Cut to Karen nodding affirmatively then cut back to James) Good grief! Maybe he trained for the role. (Scene cuts to crappy effects filled fight as Kato beat up thugs then cuts to James rubbing his forehead to alleviate the headache he has.) Okay Seth, no sarcasm, no snark, no anger, no cynicism. Was it hard to find a Martial Artist who had any acting ability and say “Would you like to play Kato in The Green Hornet movie with me?” Was the budget for Kato’s actor pay so low you couldn’t afford a big name Martial Artist actor, because let me tell you there are Martial Artist actors who would’ve given their Eye Teeth just to play Kato. The reason the 1960’s series was popular over in Asia was because of Bruce Lee, it kick started his career as an Action Martial Artist actor, as a matter of fact the Asians gave that series the nickname “The Kato Show” because of Bruce Lee and just so everyone knows who I would’ve wanted to play The Green Hornet & Kato it would’ve been Gerard Butler as The Green Hornet & Johnny Yong Bosch as Kato. But I digress.  The two talk about how big a D-Bag James Reid was and get dressed up in what I have to assume is the Mark One costumes of the Duo they’d later be and cut the head off of his Dad’s statue and as in most superhero movies a Damsel in Distress is getting attacked which convinces Britt & Kato to become Superheroes that act like the bad guys and they will use The Daily Sentinel to promote their antics. (James gets cut off by Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin (Off Camera): Story Time!

TLOTA: Speaking of using the press to promote someone’s stupidity!  (Scene cuts to TMZ Logo and TMZ announcer shouts)


(Scene cuts to Harvey Levin who comes in to the shaky frame of the camera)

Harvey Levin: Okay people what do you have? (Camera zooms to Barbara who looks like Naya Rivera)

Barbara: I’ve got Shia LaBeouf and his dad hanging out as Shia LaBeouf awaits his appeal from being locked up for life at San Quentin. (Everyone Oohs as camera zooms to Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin: This is bigger than the World Trade Center attack, front page! James you got anything? (Camera zooms to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: Well, the latest amount of people who came on the is over 106,000 well under President Obama’s estimate and from what I’ve heard over five million Americans are now without medical insurance. This is a frickin’ fiasco and instead of President Obama admitting he screwed up and ending this, he’s keeping this fa├žade that everything is amazing and the website is working. He is taking our country down the toilet. (Crickets chirp as everyone sits there as James stands there waiting for any acknowledgement) What? It’s better than having to hear Walter Cronkite giving Lucifer a blowjob. (Crickets continue to chirp) Forget it, I’m going back to my cubicle and getting work done at least that’s productive!

(Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)

(Scene of Christoph Waltz sitting with James Franco while James Faraci does a voice over)

TLOTA: In the middle of this the lead bad guy in this played by Christoph Waltz who is named (Christoph Waltz says Chudnofsky then cuts to James Faraci sitting there with a confused look on his face and then cuts back to Christoph Waltz sitting forward as he uses the syllables to pronounce it Chud-Nof-Sky then cuts back to James Faraci mouthing Chudnofsky and got it and proceeds to continue on with voice over on clips) Chudnofsky. He’s been in control of the criminal activity in Los Angeles and after being insulted by James Franco decides to pull out a double barreled handgun! (Cut to James Faraci sitting there) To be honest that thing is Frickin’ awesome! (Cut back to clips and James Faraci doing the voice over) finds himself in the middle of a mid-life crisis wondering how he could be more threatening. But enough of the only good character, we’ve got to deal with the two jack-asses as Britt does Jack & Shit and Jack left town eons ago while Pseudo-Kato does all the work including building a fleet of the only other cool thing in this hunk of shit, The Black Beauty an indestructible car with enough ammo to give any action star who has wielded a bad ass gun a case of low self-esteem. But as our “Heroes” and I use the term loosely find themselves in competition over Cameron Diaz, Chudnofsky discovers that everything he’s built up is being demolished by The Green Hornet and Kato so he decides to facilitate a meeting which turns out to be a trap to kill the numbskulls. Kato worried for his existence decides to tell Britt that he’s been doing the naughty, naughty with Cameron Diaz and gets himself fired but in the process gets Cameron Diaz fired as well. (Cut to James sitting in his cubicle) Okay. Let me point something out, if Kato was having second thoughts why not tell Britt that they’re getting in over their heads maybe they could’ve worked something out, but no, Kato lies to Britt, Britt is an unbearable jack-ass. This is the first time where my support goes to Chudnofsky and at least Christoph Waltz can forget that he was in this when he wins the academy award twice thanks to Tarantino. But back to the review. (Cut back to clips and James Faraci doing the voice over) I’m going to get to the ending of this quickly. So Britt starts to put the pieces of the puzzle together, Chudnofsky decides to upgrade himself to Bloodnofsky, Kato gets an e-mail for the Green Hornet to kill Britt, Britt puts together that the DA & Bloodnofsky are in it together and the DA is the one who killed James Reid & Kato saves Britt. The two get the DA on a USB flash drive spilling the beans on what he wants and the connection, the two get to The Daily Sentinel, cleave the Black Beauty in half, find out that the USB flash drive is about as empty as Britt’s head, The Green Hornet gets Kato’s Fighting sense which was established at their first battle together, kill Bloodnofsky & the DA, Kato & Cameron Diaz help keep Britt’s secret as the Green Hornet a secret from everyone by having Kato shoot a blank into an already wounded Britt Reid, the two fix James Reid’s statue and that’s it. That is how THE worst Comic Book adaptation ends, not with a bang, a whimper or a shrug. (Al Hirt’s Green Hornet plays over clips as James does voice over summation.) At least with “Batman & Robin”, "Superman III", "Supergirl"&"Superman IV The Quest For Peace" you know you’re going into a bad movie but after watching The Green Hornet you’ll understand how enjoyable these movies are. (Scene cuts back to James in his cubicle) At times like this, I wonder what someone with talent would’ve done with this, like I don’t know maybe Kevin Smith of “Clerks” & “Dogma” fame. (Karen with an audio cut off from James says hey then cuts to Karen)

Karen: Kevin Smith of “Clerks” & “Dogma” is on line 2. (Cut back to James with a surprised look on his face.)

TLOTA: Ask & ye shall receive. (Connects to line 2) Hello Mr. Smith, I’m James Faraci, I’m a big fan of yours and (silence for five seconds) really, Harley discovered my reviews, found out I’m doing a review of “The Green Hornet” wait what? (Silence for five seconds) You were going to direct “The Green Hornet” as a follow up to the series starring Van Williams & in which The Green Hornet dies and Kato trains both Britt Reid Jr. to follow in his dad’s footsteps and Kato’s Daughter would be the next Kato & your choices for them was Jake Gyllenhall & Zhang Ziyi? Why didn’t you do it? (Silence for five seconds) It wasn’t worth your artistic vision and soul. (Silence for five seconds) Okay, thanks, have a nice day. (Hangs up the phone and looks at the notes as Harvey Levin walks by James’s Cubicle)

Harvey Levin: What you got there, James. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Hmm? Oh hey, got off the phone with one of the greatest directors who never won an Academy Award, Kevin Smith & how not doing the Green Hornet saved his creative soul. (Cut to Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin: Mind if I run this by the next story get together? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, but on one condition, you have to be honest about the story ONE HUNDRED PERCENT! (Cut to Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin: Okay.

(Scene cuts to TMZ Logo and TMZ announcer shouts)


(Scene cuts to Harvey Levin who comes in to the shaky frame of the camera)

Harvey Levin: Okay after Blubber boy Kevin Smith talked to Seth Rogen on Zack & Miri about the Green Hornet, Seth Rogen gets the Green Hornet and butt hurts it but what was Kevin Smith going to do put Jay & Silent Bob in it? What a hack! (Everyone begins laughing as James begins to get angry and slams his fist into a wall making a gigantic crater as James shakes off the Drywall dust from his hand as camera cut to James)

TLOTA: I apologize for the hole in the wall but Kevin Smith is NOT a hack! He walked away from “The Green Hornet” because he thought it was a bad idea and unknowingly saved himself his artistic vision & his soul.(Al Hirt’s Green Hornet plays over clips as James does voice over) Because under Seth Rogen's vision "The Green Hornet" got stung and it's not hard to see why. The heroes are lame, The Plot is Swiss Cheese & outside of Cameron Diaz, Edward James Olmos & Christoph Waltz there is not one good performance in what is without argument THE worst Comic Book adaptation of a movie EVER! (Scene cuts back to James at the TMZ Bullpen) Besides Kevin Smith is one of the best directors to have never won an academy award. He made what I think are the best “Slice Of Life” movies with movies like “Clerks”, “Mallrats”, “Chasing Amy”, “Clerks II”, “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and one of my favorite movies “Dogma” and I loved the moment the characters played by Ben Affleck & Matt Damon are basically telling the board members their sins they’ve done in their personal life and I’d like to recreate that moment right now & right here starting off with you there Barbara (Camera zooms to Barbara as James does a voice over while walking towards her and the camera) you said that your niece’s grandchildren were going to wind up on welfare because her son is a loser. Well, Barb, that guy cleaned up his act, is now working as a contractor and is an aware and loving parent with their mom in the picture as well so how wrong were you and by the by, those grandchildren of your niece’s is doing really well in school! C.J. (Camera zooms to C.J. as James does a voice over while walking towards him and the camera) you got your niece’s friend pregnant and although you did the right thing your wife was so unfaithful you left her and again the right thing but you lost the house your mom left you because you refused to pay the county. (Camera zooms over to Kim & Kit) KIT! You disowned your sister because you thought she did the wrong thing to help take care of your mother who died in 2009 from Dementia & Alzheimer’s even though neither you nor your sister had the capacity to take care of her professionally like they could at a professional home. A very compassionate bitch, you are KIT! KIMMY! Married a redneck jackass who beat not only you and your three children, he left you, you married a firefighter but got hooked on making Crystal Meth and you’re now facing jail time! Op! The surfer dude over there who we don’t know who he is but looks like Chord Overstreet flew to Bangkok on the company account to make sweet love to an eleven year old BOY! Ralph, went to Staples, saw his niece there, and gave her the sideways stink-eye glance because SURVEY SAYS! You were being a douche and still remain one today. However you Karen, are an innocent, you live a good life (James gives Karen the Thumbs Up) you rock Karen. But you Harvey commit more sins in one micro-second then every prostitute on the whole planet do in a day. If I were to say any one of them out loud, it’d only expedite my one way ticket to hell. (Whispers into Harvey’s ear as his eyes expand then Harvey begins to cry) Someone else is claiming to be the father, YOU SICK FUCK! Well, I guess that’s it and with the exception of Karen here, there is not a damned soul to be saved here, NOT A GOD DAMNED ONE! You know what makes a soul good? Fear, therein lies the problem, you don’t fear a thing, you rest comfortably in seats of power hiding behind your symbol which is your idol, your lives shrouded in secret even from yourselves but not from God. Oops, forgot something, a voodoo doll that is carved from an onion which I so happen to have and you know it sort of looks like you Harvey and you know, if I focused all my energy into this, I wonder… I wonder (James begins to do a low hum which gets lower & louder with each passing second until he yells and Harvey ducks! A cell phone ringing “Go Go Power Rangers” by Ron Wasserman plays) my cell phone, one moment. Hello. (Scene cuts to The Rowdy Reviewer in a Hammock)

Rowdy: I got a hold of my cats, Jeannie is available for the next five minutes, you just about done? (Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA: Just about, I’ll see you soon. (Scene cuts to Rowdy)

Rowdy: Excellent, Stay Rowdy my friend. (Scene cuts to James as he puts the Cellphone into his pocket as Harvey asks who that was as James turns to head down the hall)

TLOTA: That was a friend of mine who has equal disdain to your existence. He believes you guys are the lowest form of journalism and he should know his degree is in journalism. Excuse me. (James walks down the hall to his cubicle as Harvey and everyone else look around at each other as James walks back the camera zooms to James) BUT I DO BELIEVE IN THIS! (James pulls out Chudnofsky’s double barreled Handgun as the Camera begins to run away from James as James pulls the trigger and James shouts off screen “Don’t Run! Don’t Run! FAKES! FAKES, ALL OF YOU FAKES! OH & YOU…” while people scream in fear and gunshots are flying. Scene cuts to Rowdy on his Hammock overhearing James shout “Kim Kardashian! Who gives a flying…!”)

Rowdy: “I do believe in this!” What the frack does that mean? (Rowdy takes a sip from his coconut as James shoots some more and shouts “AND ONE TO GROW ON!” as the scene cuts to the TMZ logo covered in blood and Harvey Levin’s head comes off and falls off the TMZ Logo.  Scene cuts to James picking up Karen and then cuts to James reaching into his pocket)

TLOTA: Gum? (Scene cuts to Karen cautiously taking the gum then back to James) Go on take it. You’ve done nothing wrong, the rest of these assholes, they’re all fakes and you’re a good soul so much so if you’re ever in Sullivan County area of New York, looking for a job in journalism you can’t go wrong with The Townsman, I know the people who run the publication, you’ve got a shoe-in recommendation, however I might not because of one little thing you did. (Scene cuts to Karen looking nervous as the scene cuts back to James) if you need to know, you forgot to say god bless you when I sneezed! (James pulls out the double barreled handgun, scene cuts to Karen screaming in fear as scene cuts back to James hearing from Rowdy shout out James! From James’ cell phone) you’re getting off light! (Rowdy shouts James! Again from James’ cell phone) I know, I’m going! (Mutters Jesus what a way to end a review then shouts quickly in anger) I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS & THAT’S MY OPINION! (James walks off camera as Karen looks around and sees him in the distance as he shouts “Your ass is so fucking lucky!”)

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Are today's horror movies really that scary?

("Alfred Hitchcock Presents" intro music plays as a minimal line silhouette of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans from the side and the words in Army Text "The Last Of The Americans" and the word "Editorial" appear under for two seconds then disappear as James' shadow walks up to the silhouette as the intro ends camera zooms over to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA(Doing an impersonation of Alfred Hitchcock): Good evening, I am James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I am about to express are that from my own opinions and some from your opinions (Snickers and then laughs breaking character)

TLOTA(Normal): Okay, I'm not going to do that for awhile, but you guys know what time it is. (John Carpenter's theme from "Halloween" plays.) It's the time for kids to dress up like their favorite characters and ask their neighbors for candy, it's time for us adults to go dress up a like a little more mature version of the characters with some anatomically correct pieces & some which are bit more politically incorrect than others and also we get our glut of movies that are meant to scare the ever living daylights out of people with monsters, serial killers, the un-dead, aliens and all sort of creatures that make everybody soil their underwear. But with so many terrors in the real world the question that persists in my head "Are today's horror movies really that scary?" We have horror movies that are about gore & violence but for the most part are not really that substantial. We have characters like Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers (Show pic of Mike Myers from SNL dressed as Michael Myers from "Halloween") even I think that was absurd but back to the point I was making was the characters like the ones I mentioned are around to be the ones that are reminiscent of real terrors. Leatherface, Norman Bates and Buffalo Bill from "Silence Of The Lambs" were based on real life murderer Ed Gein and from what I heard Ed Gein was so nuts Gary Busey is freaking sane and competent to be President of the United States in comparison. But what about creatures like Vampires, Werewolves, Frankenstein & his creation, the gill-man, Godzilla and the like. For my tastes I prefer the Bela Lugosi performance of Dracula but doesn't mean that there hasn't been good performers who have tried to fill Drac's cape in fact Christopher Lee's performance in the Hammer "Dracula" films was solid through out and I'm certain Jonathan Rhys Meyers' performance of Dracula in an upcoming series will be an interesting take but there have been other vampires that have been both better and worse than what was perceived in the "Twilight Saga" werewolves on the other hand well there's a reason Lon Chaney Jr. is considered THE Wolf man because of more than just his ability to become a werewolf it's because he can show that there is more than just becoming a human/wolf hybrid or for that matter what are the consequences of  what has happened to you when you become a wolf will you attack everyone you know and care for or will the part of you that is human resist that temptation. But for me there have been two good Frankenstein movies the first one is of course the classic with Boris Karloff and I can't forget "Young Frankenstein" by Mel Brooks because it's so funny and amazing how it handles the source material. But nothing recent really has been as good save for a TNT Original movie that aired in the early 1990's and as the capabilities to make horror movies become easier they've become less about the build up to the fright like the classics and all about getting the quicker scare for the quickest dollar and that's a shame because the more of a mystery as to what can scare you the better the scare is, I think that's why many people consider Alfred Hitchcock a genius in that manner because in movies like Psycho if people were fifteen minutes late, they were not going to see it because it would ruin the experience for all of those who were seated and into the movie. But if it was done today, you could bet there'd be more sites ruining the experience. However the question still is "Are today's horror movies really that scary?" and unfortunately my thought on that is No, not really, because so much is buried in schlock and if you can find a gem in the schlock you're a lot better than me McGee. Because if you really, REALLY want a scare go with a classic, they'll never let you down for a reason.

TLOTA(Doing an impersonation of Alfred Hitchcock): Well, I hope you enjoyed my opinions on the horror movies of the day, now if you'll excuse me (bends over and picks up a double headed axe) I have some movie makers and stars to rectify . I am James Faraci and I am The Last Of The Americans. Good night.

("Alfred Hitchcock Presents" intro music play with a picture of Alfred Hitchcock over it and the words "In Eternal Memoriam to Alfred Hitchcock, A master of all movies")

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Have you ever danced by the Pale "Moonlight" with The Maven Of The Eventide?

(Scene begins with James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans carrying a mug of Warm & Spiced Apple Cider to his room while humming the Super Mario Bros. theme)

TLOTA: Ah, nothing like a Spiced, Warm Apple Cider with as much alcohol as a bottle of water, Morning ORAC.

ORAC: Good Morning James.

TLOTA: So what’s there to report.

ORAC: Everything you asked has been done. I have scheduled the remainder of the Autumn for you exactly and I have located the person of the Youtube account of Asalieri2 and reprogrammed his mobile devices to play the music “I wrote this song” By Patrick Star, “Friday” by Rebecca Black and any song that would annoy the devil himself in addition I programmed his television and any movie player to play “The Room” from Tommy Wiseau and all episodes of Allen Gregory.

TLOTA: Excellent.

ORAC: May I make a personal comment towards you.

TLOTA: I welcome it.

ORAC: Towards your enemies you are vicious.

TLOTA: Well I’m vicious for a reason. You attack my friends or family and you’re asking for trouble & I’m the guy to give you trouble.

ORAC: James, you’ve got a Skype call from Lea.

TLOTA: Sweet, patch it through.  (Video connects to Lea Michele)

Lea Michele: Hi James.

TLOTA: Hey there, how’s the best looking lady on Glee doing?

Lea Michele: I’m doing better every day. Did you catch the tribute episode?

TLOTA: I cried for you and your friends throughout the episode and when Chris narrated about losing his brother I lost it and most importantly I know what he means to you.

Lea Michele: And you have no Idea how I’ve appreciated your patience and respect for me. But on to something positive, the cast and crew is having a Halloween Party around the 31st of October and there’s going to be Karaoke and I can bring two guests and I was wondering if you’d like to come.

TLOTA: Can I bring my friend Chris?

Lea Michele: Who?

TLOTA: The Rowdy Reviewer. (Lea looks at James as if to wonder who he is.) The guy who reviewed the first three seasons of Glee on his review show “TV Trash”

Lea Michele: Oh that guy, I wouldn’t mind him being my other choice. He seems like a nice guy. But…

TLOTA: I’ve already told him to walk on Uber-sensitive egg shells when it comes to Glee and him.  Just save me “The Monster Mash” & save Chris “She blinded me with Science” I’ve got this awesome costume based on a caricature of every mad scientist from all those cheesy SyFy Channel movies. (Jane Lynch opens Lea’s trailer door and says in the Background that she’s needed on set.)

Lea Michele: So I can count on you and your friend to be my two guests for the party?

TLOTA: Oh yeah, catch you then.

Lea Michele: Bye James

TLOTA: Later Lea. (Lea Michele walks off but forgets to shut off her Skype as Jane Lynch looks at James for the first time and James looks around to wonder what she’s looking at)

Jane Lynch: Fair warning: You do anything to cross me or hurt her at all and you’ll regret being born.

TLOTA: I already regret being born, besides I’m being UBER-Respectful to Lea’s wishes and as of this moment we’re friends. No more, no less.

Jane Lynch: Good, keep it that way… (James shuts off Skype)

TLOTA: What is her deal? ORAC ready the Monster Mash while I go “Insano” and as soon as I’m there put the Lyrics on the TV when I get back.

ORAC: I’ve set everything up. (Monster Mash intro plays as James begins to dress up as Dr. Insano and as the Drum beat kicks in James laughs insanely)

TLOTA (Sounding like Dr. Insano): I was working in the lab late one night. When my eyes beheld an eerie sight. For my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my… (TLOTA turns on the TV to see The Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: SURPRISE!

TLOTA: DWAH! (Crashing and banging noises for about half a minute that ends with a hubcap going around while Maven Of The Eventide looks)

Maven Of The Eventide: I’m not a doctor, but that HAD to smart!

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

(James emerges from the rubble and gets out of the Dr. Insano costume in the process emerging as The Last Of The Americans)


Maven Of The Eventide: My apologies for coming to you in this way. But I have a friend who has a way back machine.

TLOTA: Good for Mr. Peabody & Sherman!

Maven Of The Eventide: Ha, ha. Funny but he used it to recover your early works and that’s when I discovered four blog reviews about a certain franchise called “The Twilight Saga”.

TLOTA: I’m not going to deny it, yes I did review four out of the five movies from the Twilight Saga and to be honest the entire franchise wasn’t good nor was it so bad that I hope someone finds the Producers of the “Twilight” movie franchise and go all suicide bomber on them. But trust me, why I didn’t do either an out of character review of “Breaking Dawn Part 2” was simply I enjoyed it that is until the ending. That god awful, Hollywood cop-out, bull shit blasting, ass fucking horrendous ending how could they do that, they made the final epic battle that they hyped up in all the advertising for this and it’s a FUCKING VISION FROM ALICE CULLEN OF WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN, IF THERE REALLY WAS A BATTLE?! AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S WORSE IS THAT HAD I GONE TO SEE IT IN THE THEATER I GUARANTEE THERE WOULD’VE BEEN NEWS ABOUT ONE CRAZY NUT JOB WHO THREW EVERYTHING THAT WASN’T BOLTED DOWN AT THE SCREEN BECAUSE THE ENDING WAS SO FUCKING HORRENDOUS IT WOULD’VE TAKEN AN ENITRE ARMY SQUAD TO STOP ME! Okay rant over. Outside of the ending of “Breaking Dawn Part 2” I admit that “The Twilight Saga” actually kick started what I would consider the Silver Age of the Sexy Emo Vampire.

Maven Of The Eventide: Excuse me would you mind rephrasing what you said.

TLOTA: Why? I didn’t say anything wrong.

Maven Of The Eventide: Silver? Vampire?

(James thinks for a half a second)

TLOTA: I think I get what you’re saying but you can call it whatever you want, I’ll stick with “Silver Age of the Sexy Emo Vampire”

Maven Of The Eventide: If that is where you’re going to go with it when did you think the “Golden Age of the Sexy Emo Vampire” ended.

TLOTA: I’d have to say by the fifth and final season of the “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” spinoff “Angel” while there was good dramatic episodes there was a little more of a lean towards the comedic tone with Spike being a large amount of the humor. When the show got cancelled it ended the “Golden Age” but there were shows in between the end of “Angel” and the beginning of the “Silver Age” that tested the Holy water (Maven Of The Eventide looks at him with daggers in her eyes), so to speak & while True Blood got swept into the current that happened after “The Twilight Saga” became a hit some series were left to drift out until the sun fried them like crispy bacon. One of which that I feel my associate The Rowdy Reviewer should’ve put into his list of screwed over shows is “Moonlight” (Moonlight Intro plays)

Maven Of The Eventide: I’m sorry what was the series Moonlight about?

TLOTA: A guy who was turned into a vampire by his wife on their wedding night and now uses his abilities as a Private detective in Los Angeles.

Maven Of The Eventide: That feels like a cheap knock-off of “Angel”.

TLOTA: That might be the case but I think we overlooked something, introducing ourselves.

Maven Of The Eventide: Oh, right where are my manners. (Coughs and gets into introducing herself in her opening sounding like a female Bela Lugosi) Good evening, I am the Maven Of The Eventide and tonight, I am doing a crossover with.. Who are you again?

TLOTA: Me?  I’m James Faraci, The Last of the Americans and the views we’re about to express are that of ours own and some of yours and seeing as how close we are to Halloween….

Maven Of The Eventide: I’m sorry, “The Last Of The Americans”?

TLOTA: Yeah, you’ve got a problem with that?

Maven Of The Eventide: No, it’s just that sounds so freaking goofy (breaks out into uncontrollable laughter)

TLOTA: Okay that’s enough we’ve got a Vampire TV series to get to so let’s dive into the “Moonlight”. So our series begins with our protagonist Mick St. John played by future Hawaii Five-O star Alex O’Loughlin sleeping in a freezer. I am dead serious and he’s dreaming of being able to discuss what it’s like to be a vampire and Maven brace yourself for some of the myths of the Nosferatu you are used to will be blown out of the water.

Interviewer: Do you sleep in a coffin?

Mick: No, that’s an old wives’ tale. I sleep in a freezer & while we’re on the subject Garlic is tasty on Pizza.

Interviewer: Does it repel you?

Mick: It repels my dates sometimes, Toss Holy Water on me I get wet, Crucifixes okay if you like that kind of thing, Oh & I definitely can’t turn into a bat.

Interviewer: What about daylight?

Mick:  Daylight’s not good, (Clicks tongue) Daylight’s definitely not good. The longer I’m in the sun the worse I feel.

Interviewer: But you don’t burst into flames

Mick: Not if I can help it.

Interviewer: How do you kill a vampire? Wooden stake I’m guessing.

Mick: No, A wooden stake won’t kill a vampire. But a flamethrower would kill a vampire or we can lose our head other than that we heal. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide seeing red then James looking in on her)

TLOTA: Maven? You okay?

Maven Of The Eventide: In one brief moment every legend of my beloved Vampire just got a huge turd dropped on it and you expect me to be fine with it?

TLOTA: Hey relax Hollywood has always played footloose & fancy free with Vampire Legends, Mythos & history in fact a wooden stake in this series doesn’t turn vampires into a pile of dust it just incapacitates them.

Maven Of The Eventide: You’re right. Okay Maven just relax, it’s just one strike against it but I’m willing to try to give it a chance and an A for effort and originality. Does the pilot go further into Mick’s history as to he became a vampire?

TLOTA: Well not really, but his origin story is played out throughout the rest of the series. But to keep you from going Bat Shit Crazy I’d be glad to tell you the whole Origin of Mick St. John. Mick St. John was a World War II vet who was working as a musician when he met Coraline played by Shannyn Sossamon.

Maven Of The Eventide: Is she that chick from “A Knight’s Tale”?

TLOTA: Yes and she also named her son “Audio Science” now are you through interrupting me or should I use a stake to either paralyze or turn you to dust so I can get through the rest of this without interruption.

Maven Of The Eventide: I’m sorry, just wanted clarification.

TLOTA: Okay. Now back to Mick’s origin and as I said earlier on their Wedding night Mick got turned into a vampire by Coraline since then he decided to use his abilities to hunt the wicked as a Private Investigator. Now back to the review. As the pilot continues on we meet Beth Turner played by Sophia Myles and yes Maven she was a Vampire in two of the Underworld movies so you can either be pissed that she’s a human in this or you can take it like an adult that she’s playing another character in another Vampire franchise.

Maven Of The Eventide: But it would’ve been awesome to see her as a Vampire. But as the pilot continues we discover Beth has a job as a news reporter on a website.

TLOTA: I would make a TMZ reference but I loathe TMZ! Want to know how much check out my “Son Of The Mask” Review for how much I loathe TMZ. Apparently Mick is getting hot around the fangs for Beth as she looks around she discovers two bite marks on a victims neck which gets her thinking that a Vampire might have done it. But a vampire friend of Mick’s Josef played by Jason Dohring is concerned about exposure. So Mick is tasked to find out who is doing these slayings and quickly before anyone else gets hurt take care of the situation. But by the end of the pilot Beth is undercover as College student attending Vampire theology classes, it’s Los Angeles, they have a College course on everything and a student of the Professor believing him to be a Messiah when it comes to Vampirism is in fact the guy doing the kills which leads to Beth who is barely conscious having a flashback to when she was a little girl and Coraline had kidnapped her and it was up to Mick to save her then.

Maven Of The Eventide: Now things are creepy and squicky.

TLOTA: You want to be Creeped out check out the Pedo-Principal from “Even Stevens”. But even back then Mick had to come in and save her and (Scene plays with the original song in there which is “My Immortal” by Evanescence James quickly wipes his eyes so he doesn’t show he was going to cry) Sorry.

Maven Of The Eventide: The music in that scene made you cry didn’t it

TLOTA: Almost but let’s move on as the series progresses we discover other little things like for example Silver Bullets are Kryptonite to Vampires.

Maven Of The Eventide: Which I do give credit for the people who wrote that doing some research.

TLOTA:  Uh running on confused here.

Maven Of The Eventide: As I stated in my review of “Underworld” In Eastern European legends of yore, Vampires are in fact dead werewolves that rose from the grave.

TLOTA: So Vampires are in fact Zombie Werewolves? WOW! Anyhow it’s also in this same episode that Beth discovers Mick’s secret existence as a Vampire and guess what? That discovery and the fact that Silver is Vampire Kryptonite all in the Second episode

Maven Of The Eventide: Okay, I’m trying not to go ballistic but they’re rushing the pace and it is really trying my patience so I am going to try to ask this calmly (Takes a deep breath in and then out then gets hostile) WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE RUSHED PACE OF THE SHOW?!

TLOTA: Calm down and I’ll tell you or you keep losing your cool and I’m going to douse you with Holy Water. I think partly why they sped the pace of the series so Beth could know Mick was a Vampire and get a lot of story & exposition out of the way was because of the Writer’s Guild Strike that was just around the bend and they needed to get the pilot season episodes out of the way which is thirteen episodes but only got twelve episodes produced before the strike and in those episodes there was an episode in which Vampire’s Blood Plus Silver is marketed as an underground drug that Beth indulges in that makes her feel more like Mick and she wants to be turned into a vampire but due to Mick’s ethics and morality he helps her through the high of what she’s going through to having Beth’s boyfriend and love interest who is a D.A. sacrifice himself.

Maven Of The Eventide: In fact the final episode of the twelve before the Strike ground production to a halt. Coraline who had become human again thanks to a cure she had discovered but due to Beth’s misinterpretation killed and reverted Coraline back to a Vampire and uses the cure she found to turn Mick human again and of course Coraline would not be seen again on the show.

TLOTA: Pay attention there’s a quiz later on.

Maven Of The Eventide: I won’t be there.

TLOTA: Why not?

Maven Of The Eventide: This (Picks up a hand Grenade and pulls the pin)

TLOTA: Okay, the strike caused the production to take a break and the stress of this forced crossover is making you a little crazy so let’s take a break ourselves, you get a pint and I get a meal, savvy?

Maven Of The Eventide: Okay (Tosses Hand Grenade off screen where it cuts to Lindsay who sighs, finds it then tosses it off screen where it cuts to Paw catching it, screaming and then flushing it down the toilet before it goes BOOM!)

(Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)

Maven Of The Eventide: After the Writer’s Guild Strike was settled CBS had several series’ fates hang in limbo including Moonlight and while initially CBS ordered a second season for Moonlight afterwards they reneged on the second season. However there was interest in from other networks especially the CW which would eventually be the network of “The Vampire Diaries” & “Supernatural” would’ve given the CW three series based on the other worldly. However everything fell apart and a handful of episodes were made before Moonlight met its end.

TLOTA: The first of those episodes had Beth’s boss at Buzz Wire be murdered by a vampire and Mick St. John enjoy his humanity but because he couldn’t save Beth from vampires kidnapping Beth. Josef turns Mick back into a vampire, which made him being human totally pointless. In the follow up episode Beth’s new boss wanted more salacious story telling probably a nod made by the producers of this show saying they didn’t like TMZ which is owned by Time Warner & AOL as well as Warner Bros the people who help make this show.

Maven Of The Eventide: Why would they do that?

TLOTA: We’re nearly done figure it out later. Because Beth couldn’t stand that crap as much as anyone else could she decides that her integrity wasn’t worth being in that hellhole and got a new job working with the D.A.’s office as a civilian investigator. The finale had Mick question if being with Beth is worth it but when a Vampire/human couple come to town when the Vampire nearly exposes everyone a council agrees to cook her like Turkey and her human counterpart decides that he’d rather die with the one he loves which inspires Mick to accept Beth and admit he loves her. So what did you think of the series Maven?

Maven Of The Eventide: Well, I wish they had focused more on the lore and mythos on this universe’s Vampires because they seemed like everyone else and outside of just them being thirsty for blood they’re more Amoral, they see little to no reason to exist outside of the fact that they exist. The only one who shows he has a moral core is Mick who won’t attack children or women or the innocent but those who have done wrong are walking Happy Meals with Mick’s name but what about those who got away with the crime? Will he go after those who are found innocent by the law and then commit the same crime again. Yeah but when he axes them does he use his moral core to justify murder? Josef is so paranoid about exposure which makes little to no sense in the grand scheme of things he accepts Beth’s acceptance of Vampires a little too easily what will make him not turn and turn Beth into a Vampire for his own purposes. The morality and everything spiritual seems to be mentioned only once when we see a Vampire Priest! A Vampire Priest?! So many possibilities that could’ve been done with that.  But despite my anger in this review, I actually enjoyed it despite the rushed pace and poor story and as I said earlier it does get good marks in originality, effort and knowing some of the history of the Vampire

TLOTA: I agree and for all intent & purpose everything kind of turned out alright, granted the finale left the door open for fans to do their own what ifs to the characters. Plus as I said earlier Alex O’Loughlin went on to be in Hawaii Five-O as McGarrett which was made popular by Jack Lord in the original series. Now we’re done, Thank you for this crossover and I’ve got to get going on other things so go back to your coffin or freezer or whatever you sleep in.

Maven Of The Eventide: Well now wait a minute this has got me thinking this could be an annual thing.

TLOTA: Come on you interrupt my day and just when I think it’s over you’re coming up with future crossovers for years when I might hang up my spurs for good one day.

ORAC: May I make an observation, just shut off the television.

TLOTA: Oh yeah.

Maven Of The Eventide: Oh Son Of A…(TV Shuts off.)

TLOTA: Thanks ORAC, remind me to send her an apology and Rowdy the invite to join me & Lea at the Glee Halloween Shindig.

ORAC: That has been done already.


ORAC: ALERT! ASALIERI2 is going to review you as retaliation for what you did to him.

TLOTA: Bring it on Asalieri. Next review, next month The Green Hornet! I dare you to sit and check me out!  I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and (Turns around, puts on the Insano glasses and then sounds like Dr. Insano) HAPPY HALLOWEEN AS I TAKE OVER THE WORLD THROUGH THE POWER OF SCIENCE! (Maniacal laughter)

(End credit of the copyright symbol & the words Chez Apocalypse with the year 2013 next to them and under both is Team NChick then Written by Elisa Hanson & James Faraci credit then twitter accounts & are credited. Special Thanks to Paw Dugan, James Faraci, Lindsay Ellis & Chris Lee Moore. Blooper of Elisa looking at the camera with “The Look” and Paw saying “Elisa, my brain is going on me.” and the two of them laugh)