(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal.)
(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of , Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown then slides away to different images of Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.)
(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.)
(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written and “Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.)
(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.)
(The scene changes to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, in his office.)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. And it is time once again for "Reality Checkout. (Cut to James as he walks around and comes to the TV in the lobby, as he turns it on and sees more Reality TV on every network than he can deal with. )
(James decides to look through his library for anything else and sees a portion of it, filled with so much reality TV that would make a Network Executive who enjoys Reality TV Splooge. He tosses all of the Reality TV Series on DVD and the TV into the most disgusting trash can. James tosses in large amounts of Flammable liquids and throws a bomb, which explodes, releasing the slime and remnants of the DVDs and TV, spelling out "Reality Checkout" as the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the foreground. Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Fifty seasons! FIFTY SEASONS OVER A TWENTY-FIVE-YEAR PERIOD! HOLY SHIT! (Cut to the different intros and clips of "Survivor" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
"Survivor"! This is a series whose time has come to be checked out! What keeps bringing people back to this series, which should have lasted at least several years, if that? Today, we're going to explore what motivates people to travel to foreign lands with nothing but the clothes on their backs and minimal possessions. However, we must delve into the backstory of this series and discover how everything changed when it premiered in the summer of 2000. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Let's take a look at what makes this series the Burning Heart of CBS, although there have been other series that have kept the network going since its inception. Let's take a look at why "Survivor" has been one of the many reality series that only wish they could be. (Cut to clips of "Expedition Robinson/ Robinson" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The series, originally titled "Expedition Robinson" and now known as "Robinson," was an international success in the early 1990s. The series creator, Charlie Parsons, sought to successfully sell the series to the American Television Market. Enter Mark Burnett, who was able to convince the then-president of CBS, Les Moonves, to give Mark and Charlie a chance to put their show on the schedule in the Summer of 2000. (Cut to clips of "Survivor" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And with some tinkering, a good casting agent, and a budget to overcome challenges, "Survivor" became the first big reality series of the 2000s, thanks in part to "Water Cooler" talk. Meaning that we, as humans, would discuss the show with others, and talk about it on the job and at watch parties, before the Internet and Social Media allowed us to talk about the show. It quickly became the series that people were watching in droves, a continual success for the network best known for "The Price Is Right." The network for many great series like "M*A*S*H," "Everybody Loves Raymond,""The Dukes Of Hazzard," and other classic series. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So I decided to ask people what made this series successful. (Cut to clips of "Survivor," "The Amazing Race," and "Big Brother" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
A lot of people say, "It's the competition and how the contestants react to the pressure of it in these surroundings," To which I say, okay, that's a good point. The problem with that statement is that they repeat those events over and over until they get the footage. Even with multiple cameras, this is an edited show, and the editor and staff will use whatever footage they deem necessary. It is in the contracts that everything they do on that show is theirs to use at their discretion, lock, stock, and barrel. Meaning, if they want to portray someone in real life who is a scumbag as a patron saint of the game, that's how they will spin it! They can make the intensity of a game look more intense when, in real time, it is easier than taking a shot of whiskey. Save for any of the challenges involving food from the area. We also have statements from the showrunner claiming that this is a long-standing Reality game show; he just shows what happens before and after the competition. Okay, Mark, then riddle me this: what happens when your contestants are either so exhausted from trying to stay warm and clean, while finding food and water, and wonder how they'll get through the challenge? Oh wait! AGAIN MULTIPLE CAMERAS, THUS MULTIPLE TAKES ON THE SAME PIECE OF CONTENT! Now, granted, there are times when real injuries and real personal moments involving the contestants occur; however, since these happen so often on the show, things do get real, and not the type of reality that Reality TV likes to thrive on. Then, people come saying that it's a unique take on the travelogue genre. Um, am I watching the same show you guys are? Unless you're referring to "The Amazing Race," which emerged from the success of the series, much like how "The Real World" spawned many of a similar reality series like itself, a summer reality series staple, or "Big Brother," which, like "Survivor," is an international import to the US, thank you, international Reality TV Genre. However, one of the things that everyone claims is that many people have become successful even without winning the million dollars. While that is true, their success doesn't last long. However, the fact that people are known from Survivor means ten successful stories have come from this series. (Cut to specific "Survivor" performers and what they're up to right now as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
10) Elizabeth Filarski Hasselbeck
She was on "Survivor: The Australian Outback," If the name doesn't ring a bell, then allow me to share with you something you can look up on YouTube, clips of her on "The View" going toe to toe with Rosie O'Donnell, and it taking up most of an episode's run time, having been one of the hosts from 2003 until 2013!
9) Jenna Morasca
She was on "Survivor: The Amazon." While she did win the million, she also went on to have a relationship with her "All-Stars" co-star and fellow winner in the "Africa" season, Ethan Zohn. She also had a run in professional wrestling with TNA Wrestling, as well as another well-known character from Survivor, Jonny Fairplay, for a brief stint.
8) Colleen Haskell
After coming up short in the first season, she made the most of her fifteen minutes in Hollywood by appearing on game shows, talk shows, and even in a movie. What was that movie again? (Show the poster of the Rob Schneider vehicle "The Animal," which was produced by Happy Madison, and audible sounds of James crying and screaming. Cut to specific "Survivor" performers and what they're up to right now as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
7) Rob Cesternino
While becoming a podcaster about Survivor after appearing on the series twice is something most people who do their own thing, the only reason is that he is a fellow New Yorker. He has made some other appearances in media, roasting Survivor as much as everyone else has.
6) Rupert Boneham
Known for his gentle giant persona and the wealth he amassed during his tenure in the series, he leveraged that into creating a charity and a gubernatorial run in Illinois, which was not successful. However, he has gone on to become a very well-known personality due to his time on "Survivor." (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
The next few people were already famous before they appeared on the show, and it gave them a boost, for the most part, to their careers. Save for the couple at the number one spot. (Cut to specific "Survivor" performers and what they're up to right now as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
5) Lisa Whelchel
Formerly known as Blair on "The Facts Of Life," and a brief stint in the early 1970s with Disney's first attempt at rebooting one of their properties, i.e., The Mickey Mouse Club. After Lisa's time on "The Facts Of Life," Lisa settled into parenthood and a life as a Christian motivational speaker and musician. When the opportunity to appear on "Survivor" arose, she needed another job. Fortune smiled on Whelchel as she went on to parley that success into a new series, hosting a travelogue series called "Collector's Call," where she met with collectors of memorabilia and saw what they were willing to trade for a piece they'd like to add to their collection. Not too shabby a comeback.
4) John Hennigan, AKA John Morrison, AKA Johnny Nitro, AKA Johnny Mundo, AKA Johnny Impact, AKA Johnny TV, AKA JOHN WRESTLER! (Oy gevalt the mensch has got more aliases than Sydney Bristow!)
This individual appeared in the thirty-eighth season partly because another of Mark Burnett's series, "Lucha Underground," was canceled on the now-defunct "El Rey" Network. But before appearing on both Lucha Underground and "Survivor," he had already won multiple wrestling championships from different organizations, including the WWE. If this were to fulfill his contract with Burnett, then I applaud him for being able to pivot in the way a Parkour champ like him would do to make sure that he got another boost.
3) Jimmy Johnson
Former coach of the University of Miami and Dallas Cowboys and former NFL analyst. Johnson did this for the adventure. He was already financially set from his career, which included coaching the Dallas Cowboys to the Super Bowl and the University of Miami to an NCAA Football Championship. Sometimes people do this type of stuff because they think it's fun, not my type of fun, but then again, I will not judge.
2) Mike White
That's right, the creator, writer, and director of the HBO series "The White Lotus" drew inspiration from his time on "Survivor" for the series. This series inspired an anthology about a mysterious hotel that appears at random, and the guests who stay for a week delve deeper into their darker mentalities after its creator appears on "Survivor." That's creepy and weird if you think about it too long.
TLOTA (V.O.):
And The Number one couple who are the most successful story from "Survivor" are Boston Rob and Amber Mariano!
Now, alone, they were two different series, but when they met in the first of many "All-Stars" seasons of "Survivor," it was apparent when they started out as an alliance, and from there, the sparks flew. As much as that "All-Star" season was about the question of what would happen when former competitors decided to return for a second round, that became the B-plot to the A-plot of Rob and Amber's romance, leading to the finale in which Rob proposed to Amber on National television. The two have been married since 2005, with four children, and have made multiple appearances on other competition series for money. I am not surprised that they are the most successful love story and couple that emerged from "Survivor" (Cut to clips of Mark Burnett as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
However, as much as the other contestants made themselves successful, the producer of this series went on to do other series, one I will not for the sake of my own career, not to mention, one I have mentioned already, "Lucha Underground," series like "Shark Tank," "The Voice," "Bully Beatdown," helped produce series like "The Housewives" series on Bravo and Christian based series and movies with his wife former "Touched By An Angel" star Roma Downey! (Cut to clips of Jeff Probst as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Jeff Probst has been a solid constant in the series and has had hosting duties on other shows before and after the series, and had acting gigs on shows like "MADtv," so obviously the show isn't a career killer. (Cut to clips of "Survivor" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The fact that they've had such a solid formula that not only attracts viewers but also encourages them to compete on the series means it is not going anywhere. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And outside of the creator of "The White Lotus," I still think of the people who are still scraping by trying to make it big as a writer or producer or director but knowing that the money and time allotted for it winds up for "Survivor" and even though it won't go away, for many it checks out as the only thing that I will say is that since it will never check out, we're stuck doing what we can to combat it and its successors so that it can check out! (Cut to James as a torch is placed in front of him and fills a torch snuffer with his piss and snuffs the flame with the smoke arising and the word "Checkout" coming from the smoke. Cut to James physically.) Now onto the rest of the year. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion!
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