Monday, October 18, 2021

"Good" that's dripping in "Chocolate"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours.  So last April before going into lockdown, I talked about the difference between Cooking Shows and Reality-TV. One of the series I talked about was one of my favorite series of all time "Good Eats" (Cut to clips of "Good Eats" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The recipe for the series was simple, toss in elements of "Mr. Wizard", "Julia Child", & "Monty Python's Flying Circus" into a cooking show. The series was hosted by Alton Brown using both science and humor, Alton made cooking and cooking science fun. The series lasted from 1999 to 2011 and it wasn't canceled like many would think. In fact, Alton retired the series in favor of hosting duties for the series "Cutthroat Kitchen" and "Iron Chef America. However by 2017 Alton announced not one but two series continuations of "Good Eats", one being a spin-off showing differences in how he makes the recipes from the original series and how he does them now called "Good Eats: Reloaded" and the latter being a return to form with "Good Eats: The Return". Both series started in 2019 and Alton seeing how the Food Network was changing decided to end both series ended both series. However, it surprises how much a lot of the material holds up and the recipes still hold up. I can still watch his episodes on Steak and enjoy the episode and the steak. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
However, since we're still in October, and Halloween is around the corner, I know what many of you are thinking "How can a cooking show be scary?". To which I say, You really haven't seen this show! (Cut to the title card of the episode "The House That Dripped Chocolate", then clips of "The House That Dripped Chocolate" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While the title is based on an old horror movie "The House That Dripped Blood", "The House That Dripped Chocolate" sees Alton trying to make two homemade versions of confectionary classics while having to deal with a demonic entity that wants to kill Alton before he cooks up the confections. But is the episode and recipes scary or will they be easier than Marshmallow fluff?  Well, we're not only going to review the episode, I will be making the recipes as we go along. (Cut to James in his kitchen ready to cook.)

TLOTA:
That's right we're cooking and reviewing so join us as we enter "The House That Dripped Chocolate"! (Lightning crashes and James laughs maniacally as it cuts to "The House That Dripped Chocolate" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The episode begins with Alton as he tells a tale of his Aunt Gert and how she'd scare him if he went near her candy jar on her Coffee Table and that come Halloween there is a price we all pay for gustatory pleasure and that we would be there to see as a book of recipes, a dark and stormy night and a cook who has to deal with a curse while making these candies.  Something to note, All the acts in this episode open with Alton bringing us up to speed to where the story is going and those moments are in color. The actual story and cooking portions are done in Black & White, and to me, that works. Also, there will be informational tidbits that are a staple in all of the "Good Eats" episodes. We soon find the Alton in the story zooming on down country roads to take him home to his place where he belongs.  As he comes into a local town, he stops at a bookshop that got some books in from an estate sale, a lot of them being cookbooks. One of the cookbooks had a hidden book inside and bought that as well. Getting home that night he decided to put his desires to decipher what he had gotten, which turned out to be a recipe book for two confectionaries. The problem then was to translate the language which turned out to be some form of Slovakian. Alton scanned the pages to someone who can help with any other part of the book. (Show Alton as he gets his ingredients. Cut to James as he grabs his own ingredients.)

TLOTA:
Okay, I don't have Corn Flakes, I have oatmeal which I can toast in my toaster oven and I am out of pistachios, so I will substitute with Almonds. Let's hope this will work. (Cut to "The House That Dripped Chocolate" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Alton continues to prep the first recipe, A strange girl has been haunting him even jinxing his food processor. (Show clip of the food processor not working properly as the blade spins with the top off and then goes flying deep into the kitchen. Cut to James as he gets the processor to work properly.)

TLOTA:
Huh, nothing weird happening yet! (Cut to "The House That Dripped Chocolate" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Alton makes his nut, sugar, cereal combination, he also mixes his confectionary syrup, that's right, there's a syrup involved, and something interesting that happens as Alton cooks there are moments in which the power goes out, one time going out while talking about the syrup and thankfully Alton always cooks with gas. The phone rings as Alton gets a call about the runes on the pages leading to a curse. Alton not buying it decides to carry on with the candy. As the syrup hit two hundred and eighty-five degrees Fahrenheit he gets it to a cooler temp and lays it out on a silicone mat on a half sheet pan. (James following suit as he gets the syrup to a 12x19 rectangular shape and mixing the nut mix over 2/3rds of the syrup.) 

TLOTA:
This stuff is warm, thankfully I will wait two and a half minutes and then fold it into thirds as Alton suggested. (Cut to "The House That Dripped Chocolate" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
However, Alton has his own problems as I kid you not, his rolling pin goes awol but it is thankfully returned by that demonic girl creature as she lets him have it! And talking from experience, a hit like that had me seeing stars and tweeting birds. After taking a hit like that Alton finds the candy less pliable but thankfully Alton's rolling pin gets it back to the original size and tries to put it back in the oven which decided to smack Alton stupid. Tending to his wounds, Alton rolls it and folds it again. After a brief distraction from Alton's lawyer, Alton's biggest knife goes awol as well as Alton rolls the candy back to its original dimensions and cuts them to about 32 candies.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
That's odd, I got 48 candies, Well, let's see how Alton tempers some milk chocolate for coating. (Show Alton's double boiler set up as the chocolate melts. Cut to James as he nearly sets the towel in the water on fire.) Phew, thankfully I got it right, this time. Let's move on. (Cut to "The House That Dripped Chocolate" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Alton talks about how to temper Chocolate, that demonic girl creature decides to give Alton's chef's knife back to him (Show clip of the knife going through the foot.) through the foot!.  Alton makes another trip to the first aid kit then after getting the chocolate was tempered and Alton, using an old BBQ fork, coats the candies in melted chocolate. Trying to enjoy one that demonic girl creature tries to break his hand. One more trip to the first aid kit and Alton was ready to make some Peppermint rounds! Not gonna say it because of course, yeah if he can't then I won't.  As he gathers his ingredients, so shall I. (Show clip of Alton as he gets his ingredients, cut to James as he gets his ingredients. Cut to "The House That Dripped Chocolate" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After getting his egg white and confectioner's sugar combo to 160, Alton takes the mixture to his stand mixer, added the corn syrup and peppermint oil, mixed the remaining powdered sugar into the mixture. Alton then tries to help us to understand where it lands smack dab in the middle of a spectrum between Royal Icing and Marshmallow Fluff. Dusting the work surface with corn starch and rolling out the filling to a quarter-inch thickness, Alton then grabs his ring cutter and cuts out as much as he could from the mass. As Alton goes for the right Chocolate, this time dark chocolate, His Stand mixer goes on the attack! Thankfully the power goes out just as two private investigators take the cursed tome out of Alton's hands and Alton finishes making the Peppermint pucks in peace. It just so happens that had he answered a call thirty seconds before biting into one...WELL...... (Show ending of "The House That Dripped Chocolate". Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Yeah, I'm just gonna ship these off to Chicago let those schmucks take in the curse! (Cut to "The House That Dripped Chocolate" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So that was "The House That Dripped Chocolate" and WOW this was a scary scenario involving two homemade versions of two favorite candies that are really good in their own rights. The production values are fantastic, the writing was incredible, the host is entertaining, and let's face it the recipes were just perfect even if I have chosen not to try them. And this wasn't the first time Alton has either had to deal with Halloween or horror-based characters. (Cut to clips of "The Bulb Of The Night" and "Give Peas A Chance" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA:
He dedicated an entire episode to cooking Garlic as "Count Vlad" from Transylvania came to him to help him over his fears of the allium! Of course, Vlad was dust by the end of the episode but let's face it when you cook all night and lose track of time something does go wrong. Alton also did a parody of The Exorcist and the subject was of course Peas! Because in case you didn't know Pea Soup was used for demon vomit in "The Exorcist".(Cut to "The House That Dripped Chocolate" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Regardless if you haven't seen it, then I strongly suggest you find it and give it a watch, try the recipes, and enjoy some rather fine candies. (Cut to James in his kitchen as he grabs a peppermint candy and promptly throws it in with the other peppermint candies heading to Chicago!) 

TLOTA:
DEFINITELY BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

My 13 favorite "The Real Ghostbusters" Episodes

(Scene starts in a theater lobby where a man is walking down throwing Michael Bay-produced movies before cutting to a photoshopped cut image of Michael Bay’s head on James’ body walks down before a red circle with a diagonal line lands right him making the Ghost from the “Ghostbusters” portion of the insignia of the “Ghostbusters” before a crowd shouts “MOVIEBUSTERS!” before cutting to the Main Lobby of James’ Studio as James is taking it easy in his Ghostbusters outfit before cutting to The Receptionist played by Brenda Fonseca as she picks up the phone and the earphone becomes the size of her head. She soon presses the “Easy” button from “Staples” which sets off the alarm Klaxon which makes James fall over cartoonish-like before cutting to Eric, Paulo, Rebecca & Mike working on something when they hear the alarm before cutting to Nick, John, Renee, and Olivia in the kitchen trying to take a bite to eat when they drop their food on the table when they hear the alarm before heading to A Van and before Paulo enters he gives his wife a kiss on the lips before James’ hand pulls him into the van as the Ecto-1 klaxons blare before cutting to the Theater Lobby as posters from bad movies and every actor Hollywood hates is seen trampling around before cutting to Team TLOTA prep their proton packs then cutting to Shia LaBeouf Screaming like his usual annoying self before seeing Proton Streams come from Team TLOTA’s Proton Packs capture all of them before cutting to a trap vacuuming up all of them then cutting to James picking up the trap and giving the team the thumbs up before swish cutting to the words The Last of The  as a sparkle of white light comes up the logo and lands on the bottom of "The Last Of The" then pops out the word “Americans” all while Phelous singing the same lyrics he sang from his appearance in 2016's Last Of The Americans "Ghostbusters: Answer The Call" review with the instrumental of The Real Ghostbusters. Cut to James in his office) 

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to clips from the 1984 "Ghostbusters" movie, Filmation's "Ghostbusters" animated series, & "The Real Ghostbusters" animated series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In 1984 Dan Ackroyd, the late Harold Ramis, Bill Murray, and Ernie Hudson hit paydirt with the movie "Ghostbusters". While the movie was a hit, Filmation who created a live-action series called "The Ghost Busters" decided to piggyback the movie's success to create an animated spin-off, that series ended just as Columbia Pictures and DIC Entertainment released their own animated spin-off from the 1984 movie "The Real Ghostbusters" which lasted seven seasons. That's a long time in animation. However, after a sixty-five episode run in syndication, ABC picked the series up and knocked the series down by allowing Q-5 a consulting firm out of Canada to basically fix what wasn't broken giving us five seasons of bad writing, bad characterization, bad development, more Slimer than ever,  dumbed-down version of our protagonists and quite honestly a series I can say now was awful. However, I am glad to say NONE of the Q5 episodes are my favorites. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
That is why I am making this list of thirteen of my favorite episodes of "The Real Ghostbusters". That and I promised Phelous this when he announced some good news and I made a promise to do a list.  Now while I won't go over EVERY last rule Phelous has given me for doing this list. Here are the ones you need to know, One) These episodes are from the syndicated run. Two) There will be spoilers in this list. Three) There will be an acknowledgment of the 1984 Ghostbusters movie when it comes to a couple of episodes. Four) I know of the Bill Murray/Lorenzo Music connection, it will not be a factor in this list. Finally, these picks are the ones that I consider my favorites. If an episode that you like is not on this list, then let me know which ones that are your favorites in the comment section. (Static cuts James' feed as it cuts to Phelous.)

Phelous:
Now you wait a minute James. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Hi Phelous (Cut to Phelous)

Phelous:
There were other rules like...(Phelous goes on with his rules over James list as it cuts to James lowering the volume on Phelous' end and James cutting the camera feed on Phelous' end so only James can be seen.)

TLOTA:
This is my Top thirteen episodes of "The Real Ghostbusters" (Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to "The Real Ghostbusters" opening credit and the words "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans' Top 13 episodes of" as it switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 13

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "GHOST BUSTED". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The Ghostbusters hit a dry spell as Paranormal activity hits a low, however, one day as the bills pile up and the four of them just decide to do a usual check when Peter interrupts a crime in progress which gives the team the idea to go into the Private Defense Market adjusting their weapons to stop criminals which leads the team to rescue Janine from the grips of Crimelord. Now, this may sound like a Q5 influenced episode but it would make sense in terms of the next level for these people who has this type of technology. It would make sense and it was a fun "What if" episode, should the ghosts go bye-bye for good. 
(Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 12

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "THE THING IN MRS. FAVERSHAM'S ATTIC". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As noises in the attic of one Mrs. Faversham become so bad that it sounds demonic. She hires the Ghostbusters and in a moment of development for Peter says they'll take the case on for nothing! PETER VENKMAN! Peter, who is probably the most money-driven out of all the Ghostbusters, takes on a case for free. While it is discovered that the reason Peter is doing this for free is that Mrs. Faversham reminds Peter of his mom who had to raise him as a single mom and that Mrs. Faversham's father made a deal with a demon to make sure Mrs. Faversham is provided for. This one brings out the tears for both Peter and Mrs. Faversham. By the end, the feels will flow like water in the Hudson River during the Salmon fishing season. 
(Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switch to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 11

 (Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "THE REVENGE OF MURRAY THE MANTIS". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The Ghostbusters are invited to be in a Thanksgiving Parade when ghosts that were believed to be destroyed in the battle with Gozer fuse into one entity and take over a balloon of Murray The Mantis, with their Proton Packs unable to do anything, the only hope our heroes have is to unleash The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. What happens is a battle Kaiju writers would only dream of! This episode was just a build-up to an awesome battle and the climax of the battle and that battle is awesome. It reminded me of a fight in the "Rocky" movies combined with the Kaiju battle. That fight makes the episode worth the watch.
(Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 10

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "NO ONE COMES TO LUPUSVILLE". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Hired by a man named Gregore, The Ghostbusters are hired to go to the town of Lupusville to rid the town of vampires. Unbeknownst to The Ghostbusters, half the town are vampires, and the other half are lycanthropes (werewolves).  With both factions having half The Ghostbusters hostage the Ghostbusters escape the war and realize both halves are going to fight forever, then decide to blow the dam and let them fight their own fight. I have to say that this episode is genius in the solution to the finale. The Ghostbusters saying "This isn't our fight! We're outta here."  Showing discretion to be the better part of valor and the smartest thing to do when caught between two implacable enemy factions. Enjoy this and see how smart the series can be without having to adhere to rules a group of people made who had no idea how to write an episode without having a test audience to decide every single word in a script.

(Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 9

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "ROLLERGHOSTER". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Egon and Janine are on a date when they come upon a carnival ride that looks suspiciously like "Ecto-1"! Upset by this ride the Ghostbusters the trouble starts as real ghosts aren't too happy as they haunt the ride. Even Peter gets in a good moment as he tells the owner to go shove it! But when the ghosts come back in full force, the Ghostbusters must stop the ride once and for all. I have to admit I liked this episode when the team does their thing to save the day and make the owner eat his greed and how this gives Janine development. Even if she doesn't get to strap on a proton pack to help bust the ghosts. A rollercoaster ride that is worthy of this list.

(Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 8

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "THE HEADLESS MOTORCYCLIST". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The descendants of Ichabod Crane are haunted by the evolving spirit of The Headless Horseman to a more modern look with a Motorcycle and with Peter blamed for nearly killing someone The Headless Motorcyclist had on their "To Kill List". The Ghostbusters must now team up with the latest descendant to break the curse and rid themselves of the Headless Horseman/Motorcyclist once and for all. Talk about doing an update on the classic tale from Washington Irvine and taking a modern sensibility like turning the Horseman into the Motorcyclist and finally putting a lot of the story to rest. Absolutely an amazing watch

(Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 7 

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "THE COLLECT CALL OF CTHULU". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The Necronomicon has come to the big apple and a cult that supports evil is going to use The Necronomicon to awaken Cthulu! And according to Egon in comparison, Gozer is a drop in the bucket! And the stars are in the right position to bring the gigantic beast the night after the book has been taken. Armed with only the proton packs on their back, and a scientist who studies in the occult can our heroes beat Cthulu and stop the cult from using the Necronomicon. This is one episode where everything worked. I loved how the story, the animation, the comedy even the mystery behind the cult was so great that it is worthy of this spot on the list.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
We're already halfway through the list. (Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous:
You are? Tell me you're not going to take a break. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I have to, I've got personal business to deal with, and from what I've heard so do you and Allison! Remember every bit of news that happens to you does come to us on the lower rungs on the Internet Reviewing Chain. (Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous:
I highly doubt that...(Static cuts Phelous' feed as it cuts to Allison Pregler.)

Allison Pregler:
Hey James, Phelan, are you guys busy? (Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
Nope, he's all yours! (James walks away as it cuts to Allison Pregler as she talks to Phelous about things and Phelous just sits there and listens. 
Cut to a Ghost performed by Phelous in a black background and a red circle with a diagonal line through it slams on to Phelous’ Ghost Character as he says with a sigh  “James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans will be right back after these messages” as “The Real Ghostbusters” commercial sting plays in the background before cutting to a second of a black screen before cutting to Phelous’ Ghost Character with a welding arc looking to cut through the circle with the diagonal line before he gets rid of it, chuckles and says “We now return to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans” as “The Real Ghostbusters” commercial sting plays in the background before cutting to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
Well, it appears Phelous will be busy for a while. So...back to the countdown!

(Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 6

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "WHEN HALLOWEEN WAS FOREVER". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Ghost activity has been growing in the days leading to Halloween, giving our heroes a ton of work as little demons that would normally be a walk in the park for the Ghostbusters have added ten times the amount of work, not helping matters are relics from ancient Ireland, one of which has the spirit of Samhain. When two little goblins awaken the spirit, it has plans to keep the world in darkness and permanently set on October 31st at Midnight. Can the Ghostbusters bring back the light? Will they be able to rescue Slimer from being a forced servant of Samhain? Well, you better check it out. I love this episode! It has one of Peter's best one-liners of "Nobody picks on the spud, but me! Got it!" and the series now how has a well-known face of villainy so much so he appeared in the credits of the sequel series which I will talk about next year.

(Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 5

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "RAGNAROK & ROLL". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This is an episode that you are going to remember for a LONG TIME! Jeremy, whose voice reminds me of Elvis: is despondent and is ready to bring about the end of the world with his hunchbacked friend DyTillio. Just imagine if Johnny from "The Room" instead of blowing his brains out decided to get a flute from Norse demons, drag Mark along as punishment for hooking up with Lisa, and having him survive Johnny's vengeance as he destroys the world.  However, Jeremy's wrath reaches New York as demons give The Ghostbusters tsouris. Jeremy sends his ex-girlfriend a piece of a scroll that when scanned by the PKE meter overloads it which made me read from the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, AND DUCK! (Show clip of Egon tossing the overloaded PKE meter and telling everyone to duck as the PKE Meter explodes. Cut to the rest of the episode as James does a voiceover.) Armed with their Proton packs and thinking that this IS the end. While I won't give everything away, let me say that the stakes are as powerful as it is in the Number One Spot.  However, there does come a point in which The Ghostbusters decide that the only way to stop Jeremy was to overload their packs blowing themselves and Jeremy in the process. DAMN! Talk about a solution that had the ending not happened would've meant the end of The Ghostbusters, probably save us the Q5 era of the series. But I digress a hard episode with an awesome premise and a strong ending. Definitely worth being on this list.

(Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 4

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "VENKMAN'S GHOST REPELLERS". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Ships have been disappearing in the New Jersey Parallelogram, A localized version of the Bermuda Triangle and a team from the Coast Guard are going in with "Venkman's Ghost Repellers" which was made by Peter Venkman's father who happens to be a conman, which could explain Peter's actions in certain episodes. When our heroes are caught in the Parallelogram, it's up to The Ghostbusters to rescue the other ships and Peter's father who just so happens to be trapped in the Parallelogram. I really liked this episode, it had great comedy, great horror elements, and even better storytelling than most series have today. I say catch it before it disappears.

(Cut to the clip of the ship disappearing as Egon and James both say "AW NUTS!". Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 3

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "TAKE TWO". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The Ghostbusters are going to Hollywood to make a movie about how the team came together. However, as production drags to a crawl as a ghost haunts the movie's production. So can our fearless foursome save their celluloid dreams or will the ghost cause a bigger bust to hit Hollywood since... well take your pick as to which is the worst movie Hollywood ever made. I loved how meta the episode was.  The references to the actual movie were done so perfunctory. However, as I was watching this for the Top 13 there was one character that really got me laughing. A director who I will call Walker for the sake of giving him a name is trying to get a movie done and the Ghostbusters interfered with a take leading to Walker blowing his top and getting into a shouting match with Peter and it was hilarious. However, as Walker is inspecting his robotic creation I think he may have called it "Megazord"! Now I know Haim Saban and Shuki Levy were on board the series but could they have gotten the name for the Megazord FROM this episode of The Real Ghostbusters?  Maybe. But this episode is a must-watch if you are a fan of the series and the movies.

(Cut to the shouting match between "Walker" & Peter as Peter shouts "OH YEAH?!" and "Walker" shouts "YEAH!". Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 2

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "CITIZEN GHOST". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Considered the unofficial pilot for the series. This episode tells the tale as to how the Ghostbusters rebuilt the Containment Unit, The Firehouse, and how Slimer joined the group after the battle with Gozer. What I like about this episode is that it fills in a few of the plot holes from the first few episodes, like the new suits, how the series connects to the movie, and again how Slimer joined the team. To me, this is the episode to watch first so you know where everyone is after the 1984 movie. However, it's not my favorite. While I still watch it, there is one that I watch just a little more

(Cut to clips of "The Real Ghostbusters" as the instrumental which is used for the end credits are played as the scenes switches to the number illuminated in the same way as "The Real Ghostbusters" title card is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And My Number one favorite episode of The Real Ghostbusters IS... 

(Cut to the title card and the music that plays it as James says the title. "KNOCK KNOCK". Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
To me, this is THE definitive episode to watch. Subway workers trying to expand the tunnel lines in Manhattan when they come upon a door that says to them "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL DOOMSDAY!" which they ignore opening the doors WAY too early and given the state of the world today, I would say they should open it soon. But I digress, the Ghostbusters are brought in to seal the door shut until it is Doomsday. Can our heroes save the world, bring the entities that had come out of the Doomsday Door back, and seal the door once and for all? This episode is so good that I DARE not spoil it here. Everything worked here, Egon's speech as they find the doors and tells the others the plan, the execution of the episode, the music of the final act, the voice acting, so much greatness in one episode that it could've been a plot to a sequel to the original movie. If you haven't seen this episode then give yourself one chance to watch it BEFORE Doomsday!

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Are there any episodes that are your favorites? Even if Q5 had their dirty stupid hands involved. Let me know in the comments section below. (Cut to Phelous)

Phelous:
You got a couple of my favorite episodes on that list of yours but what about "Ghostbusters: Afterlife" or "Extreme Ghostbusters". (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I will give them their reviews, Next year! Besides if that schmuck does it this year then he's a glutton for punishment. (The sound of a door-knocking is heard.) It's open! (Julia Alexa Miller walks in.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I got the video set up and ready for you for your next review this month and I have to say, it doesn't sound scary. (Cut to Phelous)

Phelous:
Who is that and what did you have planned for your other review for the month? (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller.)

TLOTA:
Phelous, this is Alex. Alex, this is Phelous and my next review is none of your business because I work for Manic-Expression.com, not Phelous.com.  (Cut to Phelous)

Phelous:
Well if you wanted to get me involved then you shouldn't have said "I'm doing a top 13 List of The Real Ghostbusters" (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
He told me it was something nice for you because he and you like the Real Ghostbusters cartoon. (Cut to Phelous)

Phelous:
OH YEAH! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she shouts "YEAH!" with power and strength as Phelous is launched screaming into the sky! Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller.)

TLOTA:
Well, now on to the rest of the month. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion. (Cut to a business office building as Phelous' screaming continues until he lands in a boardroom! Shaking himself off he sees a room filled with Consulting Executives and on the board is the "Q-5" logo. Phelous pulls out a weapon!)

Phelous:
Thank you, James & Alex! (Cut to black as the episode ending music from an ending of an episode of "The Real Ghostbusters" as screams of pain, agony, glass being shattered, bullets being shot, metal slashing through flesh,  blood being splattered on the black foreground.)

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

"School" Daze

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically but having a look in his face that he's been up for days)

TLOTA (Stammering / Speed talking):
I-I-I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The A-A-Americans, a-a-a-and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. And I have been a little busy between this and College. So I've been awake for a while, but I'm fine! I'm fine, I've been trying to get a lot done, so I've drunk some Tea mixed with D-D-D-Dark Chocolate Syrup & energy drinks, eaten some Chocolate Covered E-E-E-Espresso Beans, M&Ms, Listening to some Nitzer Ebb and Classic Super Thrash Metal, and I'm fine everyone, I'm fine! So let's get to the review! (Cut to the Opening Credits of "Back To School." Cut to clips of the movie as "Back To School" by Jude Cole plays in the foreground as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
How has this movie fallen into obscurity? It has Rodney Dangerfield, one of the funniest AND most respected comedians and comic actors of all time, Sally Kellerman aka "Hot Lips" from the movie version of "M*A*S*H," Terry Farrell aka Jadzia Dax from "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine," Burt "Paulie" Young, William Zabka just fresh out of "The Karate Kid," Arnie Cunningham from "Christine," AND A VERY VERY young Robert Downey Jr. Why has it fallen into such obscure lore, does it deserve not to be treated with the respect it deserves? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Speed talking):
Let's not waste a microsecond we're going "Back To School"(Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA:
The movie begins in old New York City as we see a tailor's son with shallow grades in school played by Jason Hervey as his father scolds him for his failing grades and reminds him he is a Meloni. For the record, I am NOT making the obvious references to Christopher Meloni, "Law & Order: SVU" or "Law & Order: Organized Crime." Instead, as the credits roll, we see how the young boy becomes a self-made millionaire by changing his name to Thornton Melon and how he made his money by making clothes for the heavier sect. We also see he has a good friend in his limo driver, played by Burt Young, and a loving son, played by Keith Gordon, who happens to be in College and is quietly struggling with both his father's success and college as he's bullied by William Zabka. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Speed talking):
For the love of peat moss, did the guy ever play the decent guy in anything, and feel free to make your own "Karate Kid" or "COBRA KAI" joke, I got nothing. (Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(V.O.):
We then see Thornton at home as his second wife, played by Adrienne Barbeau, constantly gives the poor schlub Tsouris for being himself. However, Thornton and his second wife decided to put a bullet through the marriage at a party. Feeling like he just dropped a few hundred pounds of grief and the wedge between him and his son. He decides to pack up and surprise his son at college. (Show clip of Thornton looking for his son as he comes upon a naked college girl, apologizes for looking at her, and then says, "You're Perfect!" Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA (Speed talking):
So Let's see how far up on the "SVU" meter Thornton is on. ( James turns to his left as a meter appears, and the photos of the heads of the cast of "Law & Order: SVU" are at the top of the meter as Bells, Whistles, Alarms, horns, and all sorts of noises are heard as the photos of the heads of the cast of "Law & Order: SVU" grow in size until they explode and James falls. James lays there short of breath until he finally relaxes.)

TLOTA:
I'm okay. That was all I needed to relax my mind. Whew! It must have been up for a while. 

ORAC (Audio only):
You have been awake for three weeks. 

TLOTA:
WOW! Am I in the middle of something?

ORAC (Audio only):
A review of the Rodney Dangerfield movie "Back To School."

TLOTA:
Okay, where am I?

ORAC (Audio only):
Past a moment in which the cast of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" would've gone through the roof to put Thornton Melon in Prison. (James motions the sign as to say, "Let's move on." Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, we find Jason pining over a girl at his college named Valerie, played by Terry Farrell, as he consults his anarchistic friend Derek Lutz played by Robert Downey Jr. (Show "Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing" clip from "Iron Man." Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Actually, this is one of your earliest best, in my opinion, Robert Downey Jr. (Show Robert Downey Jr talking about how the whole system was meant not to work for them then the rest of the clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(V.O.):
Jason and Derek are introduced to Thornton and his limo driving friend. As father and son talk, Thornton realizes that the value of education by deciding not only will he go back to school to help his son but also himself and, to this movie's credit, now going to College after a long hiatus, I can't help but feel Thornton's message that it's never too late to get a better education, but it's also better earlier in life. Thornton wants to go to the same college his son is attending to gets to the Dean, played by the late Ned Beatty. However, because Thornton is sans a GED, High School Diploma, or SAT score, there is a question about how he can get in. The answer? Simple, he donates to the college, thus buying his way into college. A few days later, at Registration, Valerie and Jason meet face to face. Jason and Derek allowing Valerie to join them in line. Zabka tries to cut in, but Derek hits him with a burn that would send Peter Highman into the stratosphere. Returning to their dorm room having been redesigned, Thornton comes to understand that his first-class is in economics, and the Professor of the course played by Paxton Whitehead has painted the biggest bulls' eye on Thornton because of his lower-class standings. The next class for Thornton is American History as the professor there is played by all people SAM FRIGGIN' KINISON! LET'S GO! (Show clip of Professor Terguson as he teaches his course. Cut to James as he pops up behind his desk)

TLOTA:
I'm not going back to his course without a tranquilizer powerful enough to knock a herd of Rhinos! (Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After his first day, Thornton's Economics Professor and English Professor, played by Sally Kellerman, discuss Thornton. (Show clip of Professor Barbay as he talks about having her dress up as Wonder Woman, tying him up with a golden lariat, and force him to tell the truth. Cut to James as he looks disturbed and turns to his left as a meter appears. The photos of the heads of the cast of "Law & Order: SVU" are at the top of the meter as Bells, Whistles, Alarms, horns, and all sorts of noises are heard as the photos of the heads of the cast of "Law & Order: SVU" grow in size until they explode again. Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) So after that bit of "MAMA NO!". Thornton quickly becomes the man of the campus. Just as Jason preps for training to get into the dive team, which he gets from his dad, a diver. Thornton and the coach, played by M. Emmett Walsh, talk about diving, convincing the coach to give Jason a second chance. Later on, while studying, Jason meets with Valerie as Thornton decides to have some fun with his fellow College members. A riot is unleashed at an on-campus bar Thornton is hanging out at all because of good ol' RDJ and his anti-authoritarian views about the campus. As the semester continues, Thornton focuses on the fun aspects and has his business associates help. Even getting, NO, JOKE KURT VONNEGUT TO HELP WITH THE HOMEWORK while having to help in a science experiment with Monkeys, Thornton decides to get his entire staff to help with his work! Eventually leading to the inevitable for Jason and everyone. At a meet, Zabka sabotages Jason's dive, and Thornton tries to get his son to relax by throwing a party in which Thornton's antics cause his English Professor to lose respect for Thornton. Jason is upset that he may not have gotten in on his own way and had enough of his dad. Then Thornton winds up in academic trouble, which sends the Professor who has given Buffalo Bill competition as for how creepy he is has had it for Thornton Melon and decides to go for the throat forcing Thornton to perform an oral examination. If Thornton passes, he's still in school, he fails, he's out for good. Meanwhile, Lou tells Jason to give his dad some slack and help him out. Thornton decides to hit the road until Jason, Derek, Lou, and his English Professor decide to help in a Studying Montage. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I got to admit that I can relate to Thornton's dilemma, hence how crazy I was in the introduction of this review. (Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The day of Thornton's Oral examination has arrived, as has the day of the biggest Swim Meet of the season. As Thornton's Oral Examination begins, we should have someone who is relatively decent, intelligent...OR WE ALLOW PROFESSOR KINKY TO START THINGS, AND SOMETHING TELLS ME HE'S GONNA MAKE BOTH THORNTON AND CHRISTIAN GREY TOSS THEIR COLLECTIVE COOKIES! (Shudders) Meanwhile, Jason talks to Valerie once again, this time in a better mind frame than the one he had last time, which was Jason was at his lowest, and this time Valerie and Jason profess their love for one another as Thornton thwarts Professor Kinky. After that, Derek Lutz finally shows some School Spirit by causing the opposing team to flop on their dives. Meanwhile, Zabka tries to knock Jason down, but Jason tells Zabka to take a flop, which he does. Back at the Oral Examination, the English Professor helps give Thornton his second wind and makes it to see his son nail his dive with perfection. Zabka pusses out which makes the coach come up with a creative solution, leading to one of the most infamous scenes in cinema! (Show Thornton Melon's "Triple Lindy" dive.) Yep, the Triple Lindy, and to be fair, this scene, while not edited really well, really did show how awesome a dive like that could be, even though it would have caused any diver to have called a career as a diver. I will give the moment a pass and say, "Yeah, that was cool". Thornton's dive gives the Dive Team the win. Thornton passes thanks to the English Professor giving him an A while the rest gave him D's, and the movie ends with Thornton giving the Commencement speech. (Show clip of Thornton Melon giving the Commencement Speech.) Pretty accurate given certain things nowadays. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was "Back To School," and it holds up and deserves respect(Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Let me say the following, this movie is not high art in any way, shape, or form. But it is as entertaining as all get out. When I was young I enjoyed it for the crude humor and Rodney's Thorton Melon. Now that I'm closer to Rodney's age I can say I can relate to the story of Thornton more of someone trying to get an education later on in life. The acting was awesome, even Robert Downey Jr was showing some of the greatness he was bound to have when he became Iron Man. If you haven't seen it then do yourself a favor and check it out. You deserve to show it the respect both Rodney and this movie deserve. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Well, that's it for September. Next month...Next month is October, which means one thing! (James pulls out his Morpher and shifts to his Halloween mode.) It's Halloween season! But what to do? (Static cuts the feed for two seconds as Phelous is in his reviewing room.)

Phelous:
OH, JAAAMES! (Cut to James)

Phelous:
Didn't forget about what you said was a present for me for my wedding when it happened. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Nope, I am doing my Top 13 favorite episodes of "The Real Ghostbusters" (Cut to Phelous)

Phelous:
Okay, But I set the rules! One) You have to limit yourself to the episodes that were in the Syndicated market, meaning NONE of the ABC/Q5 Episodes, Two) Spoilers will be at your discretion! Three) Mentioning me will make sure you will have better views, even if you have to brand your forehead with my awesomeness! Four) If you talk about the movies in conjunction with the episode then make sure it is the right connection to... (Cut to James as Phelous continues to ramble about the animated series, "Ghostbusters" (1984), "Ghostbusters II" and the upcoming "Ghostbusters: Aftermath" as James pulls out a sign saying "Top 13 "The Real Ghostbusters" Episodes. This is James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and this is his opinion!" as Phelous says "The Bill Murry/Lorenzo Music connection" as it fades to black. The Audio of Phelous saying "HEY! I'll give him the rest of the rules on a Message!")

Thursday, September 9, 2021

A Short "Mortal" event

(Scene starts with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear, and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends, the Laser beam disappears, and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song, the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Fade cut to James and Team TLOTA wearing Martial Arts Gis huddled up.)

TLOTA:
Okay, on my silent signal, Rebecca, Brenda, Olivia, and Renee, you guys go on the left, Chad, you take the center with me, Paulo & Nick. John & Mike, Andrew, Ed, Eric attack from the right. Break. (Everyone breaks the huddle.) Okay, Alex, are you ready? (The camera turns to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Why are we doing this again? (Scene cuts between James and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
You and I decided for our date night to watch the 2021 Mortal Kombat movie and saw a mark that Emmalina’s spirit gave you on your right hip…

Julia Alexa Miller:
Which reminded you of the mark on the champions from the movie…

TLOTA:
Which got me thinking maybe I could somehow activate the same inner spiritual energy by training our bodies to do so. So is everyone ready? (Cut to Rebecca, Brenda, Olivia, and Renee as they nod silently. Cut to John & Mike, Andrew, Ed, Eric as they nod silently. Cut to Paulo, Nick, and Chad as they nod, with Chad gulping in fear. James raises his right hand. Olivia and Renee try to come up behind Julia Alexa Miller and are slapped in the midsection knocking them down. Brenda and Rebecca try to kick only to see the strength of Julia Alexa Miller causes them to spin like the Tazmanian Devil and knock each other out. Eric tries to use the Vulcan neck pinch and is flung into Andrew and Ed. John and Mike try to attack with John going low and Mike going high as Julia Alexa Miller flip over both attacks and pushes the two towards the wall behind them. James, Paulo, Nick, and Chad move forward to advance onto Julia Alexa Miller as Chad is used to knock Paulo and Nick senseless, and James gets a minor hit, but it is enough for James to grab the Gem from the Gauntlet and the Ring. Julia Alexa Miller summons her powers, and James gets the powers of the ring and gem from the gauntlet ready to go as an “HAI!” is heard, and a gong is heard as from the door behind the two opens as Steve Kidd dressed as a sensei comes in and takes the gem from the gauntlet and the ring.)

Steve Kidd:
You will get these at the end of today’s class, Now what was the lesson from this. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
To use what you have inside of you properly and not have to rely on outside powers. (Cut to Steve Kidd)

Steve Kidd:
Well, I was thinking that you need to not rely on what has been given to you but rather what has been inside you. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller and James as they bow.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yes Sensei

TLOTA:
Yes, Steve. (James and Julia Alexa Miller get smacked on the head. Cut to Steve Kidd.)

Steve Kidd:
In this Dojo, you must call me sensei, James, and Alex you never lower your eyes even when you bow to either an opponent or your sensei! DISMISSED! (Cut to everyone as limp out of the studio.)

Paulo Fonseca:
I see today as a bit more successful day, with fewer injuries.

Rebecca Yaun:
Yeah, John and Mike were able to walk out on their own this time. (James carries Chad out as Julia Alexa Miller follows the two.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
There we go, Me and James will take you down to the Medical center and you will be back and ready to go tomorrow. What are you going to do while Chad is in with the doctor?

TLOTA:
Talk about the movie that brought us to the dance

(Cut to the main title screen for “Mortal Kombat” 2021 is shown then clips of “Mortal Kombat” 2021 as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yep, a movie that fans had been waiting for years to get the R-Rating the 1995 movie should’ve gotten, not to get screwed up, and fans either loved it or hated it but either you thought it killed the original and its sequel with flawless victory or it deserves the fatality of being seen as obscure as some of the games’ worst entries, today I will be taking a look and see if one side is right or the other and I will deliver my thoughts on this one. (Cut to James in the lobby in the medical center)

TLOTA:
Let’s not waste any time, this is MORTAL KOMBAT! The 2021 version. (Everyone yells “SHUSH!” Cut to then clips of “Mortal Kombat” 2021 as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As the movie begins we’re introduced to Hanzo Hasashi at his familial compound in Japan in 1617 as the son checks on his little sister, we see the mark of a Dragon Arcana on Hanzo when a man goes on a killing spree who enters the compound as he can freeze the air around him. Hanzo tries to make it back home only to see the guards killed, his son and wife murdered, and takes his aggression out on the assassins left to finish the job. He soon finds the man who murdered his family Bi-Han and the two duel it out using Martial Arts. Hanzo is mortally wounded and is taken to the nether realm to be reborn as “Scorpion”. Meanwhile, Lord Raiden played by Tadanobu Asano finds the abandoned baby to raise as his own. We then cut to a text telling us that the earth's realm is on the brink of disaster. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Do ya think?! (Cut to then clips of “Mortal Kombat” 2021 as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It tells us that should the Outworld realm win, it’s gonna take us over and destroy us all. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Given how bad the past few years have been, I welcome it, I’m not even kidding, I am waiting for those who will destroy those that Darwinism has not done yet! (People yell at James to “SHUT UP!” Cut to then clips of “Mortal Kombat” 2021 as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It also states that for those from Hanzo Hasashi’s bloodline a new group of champions will emerge! We soon cut to the present day as we’re introduced to Cole Young played by Lewis Tan a Mixed Martial Artist who has a match. In the crowd is Jax played by former Jimmy Olsen, Mehcad Brooks as he watches Cole tap out. Okay if he’s part of the bloodline of Hanzo then we are screwed a hundred ways from Sunday. We soon find ourselves in Outworld as Shang Tsung played by Chin Han tells Bi-Han who now goes by “Sub-Zero” that they must win the tenth tournament. Not leaving anything to chance, Shang Tsung tells Sub-Zero to kill Cole Young which should be easy had Cole and his family not been rescued by Jax who tells them to meet up with Sonya Blade played by Jessica McNamee, and Jax’s reward for protecting Cole? His arms are frozen off.  Cole shows Sonya his birthmark which looks like the one from Hanzo as she interrogates Kano played by Josh Lawson and tells Cole about Mortal Kombat and tells them about how the mark Cole and several others are that from Hanzo and can be transferred to the next in the line of Champions. Everyone is attacked by Reptile and Kano helps Sonya and Cole take out this wrongfully rejected design of The Lizard for “The Amazing Spider-Man”. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
I’m not even joking if they had used that design for The Lizard in “The Amazing Spider-Man” maybe the movie would’ve been better slightly. (James gets slapped upside the head.) OW! Steve, we’re not in the Dojo. 

Steve Kidd:
Your silence is requested lest everyone riot

(James sighs. Cut to then clips of “Mortal Kombat” 2021 as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Back in Outworld, Mileena played by Sisi Stringer tells Shang Tsung about what has been going on and Shang Tsung is not too happy and yes he admits he broke the rules to get the nine wins. While that’s going on Cole and Sonya try to train as they reach the temple of Raiden where they meet Liu Kang played by former Black Power Ranger Ludi Lin and Kung Lao played by Max Huang.  The four meet up and are brought before Raiden where Jax is as recovering as well having been given his robotic arms. After fending off an attack from Shang Tsung, Jax recovers thanks to Sonya’s help as Liu, Cole, Kano, and Kung train to control their Arcana as Kano fires a laser out of his right eye. (Cut to James and Steve physically)

Steve Kidd:
Wow, now that is someone who can use his Arcana unwisely. Wonder how you would find out about your Arcana 

TLOTA:
Steve I… (James gets smacked and James drags Steve outside as the two smack each other around as it fades to black and a loud boom is felt as it then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to James as he sits in his office with a look of having made the biggest mistake he ever made )

TLOTA:
So, thanks to a disagreement I had with the sensei was enough for me to unlock my Arcana and I have the same abilities Alex has except for the sonic scream and I also have to pay for some repairs that occurred when said moment happen otherwise me and the team will be blacklisted from every medical center in the state of New York so there’s that. (Cut to clips of “Mortal Kombat” 2021 as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Even though Cole has been busting his ass off to activate his Arcana, he fails time and time again until Raiden tells Cole he is a descendent of Hanzo who has been reborn as Scorpion and sends him home. I might as well play the obvious clip. (Cut to Iron Man 3 as Tony Stark gets confused as he shouts “WHY?” to JARVIS. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While that happens Nitara played by Mel Jamson is brought in as-is Kabal played physically by Daniel Nelson and voiced by Damon Herriman and the others including General Reiko to once again take on Raiden’s temple. But as Cole continues to be home he is attacked by WHAT IN THE HELL?!  (Cut to James physically.) 

TLOTA:
IS THAT GORO?! NO! When you make the live-action puppet in the 1995 movie look more realistic, you have taken Supercalifragilisticexpialiuberfail to levels unknown. (Cut to then clips of “Mortal Kombat” 2021 as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Kano betrays Raiden and the others to let Shang Tsung’s forces rush in. Jax activates his Arcana to upgrade his arms. Just at the same time as Cole activates his Arcana giving him a suit of armor and Tonfas destroying Goro, and Sonya is rescued. Sub-Zero attacks Cole now knowing of his heritage as Kung Lao sacrifices himself to make sure the others get away safely from Shang Tsung. Cole now has had enough of Shang Tsung and his antics. He comes up with a plan to force the outworld champions to the tournament that Shang Tsung tried to stop. Agreeing to this Lord Raiden hands Cole a Kunai that belonged to Hanzo and that in battle, The spirit of Hanzo will join Cole to stop Sub-Zero once and for all. Reiko and Jax fight it out as do Kano and Sonya Blade both of them winning and Sonya earning that Dragon Mark and activates her Arcana which so happens to be throwing purple energy blasts. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
That is probably the lamest one of the Arcanas to be activated. But what about Sub-Zero? (Cut to the clip in which Cole says they’ll take him on together. Cut to James as he says “Fine”. Cut to then clips of “Mortal Kombat” 2021 as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jax kills Reiko in his battle as Liu summons his animality which looks a hundred times better than it did in “Annihilation” to take out Kabal. Meanwhile Sub-Zero takes Cole’s family hostage to kill them all. Cole appears to be outmatched in his battle when he uses Hanzo’s Kunai and summons Scorpion. Sub-Zero and Scorpion battle it out as Cole joins the battle and Sub-Zero is reduced to a smoldering pile of Ashes and thanks Cole for freeing him from his curse. The others arrive just as Cole rescues his family from freezing to death and for Raiden banishes Shang Tsung as the corpses of his fallen champions are taken back to outworld for the next tournament and the movie ends with Raiden telling everyone to prepare for the next tournament with Cole going for Johnny Cage.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was the 2021 Mortal Kombat movie. There is a lot that happens however there is one problem with the movie I cannot overlook, the movie is too short. (Cut to clips of “Mortal Kombat” 2021 as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I can say that the plot works, the cast performs their characters superbly, the music was well-paced and so many of the fights and effects were handled well. The biggest problem I had is that it was way too short. They could’ve added Liu Kang and Kung Lao’s backstory into how they gained their Dragon mark and how Raiden found them and told them what happened. They could’ve added the deleted scenes that are in the Blu-Ray and no harm could’ve happened. Movies can be longer than Hour and Fifty Minutes. But despite the short length of time the film has, it’s not a bad movie. I suggest if you check it out, throw in some Three Stooges Shorts to add to the time if you have a watch party just to make sure you and your friends feel fulfilled from spending time together. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller in the Dojo as Steve summons the rest of the team to attack.)

Steve Kidd:
When I give the signal, both sides must defend themselves! (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
You ready to go?

Julia Alexa Miller:
I think we should take it easy on them,

TLOTA:
Okay! (Cut to Steve Kidd)

Steve Kidd:
GO! (Cut to the rest of the team rush towards James and Julia Alexa Miller as they move towards the camera as it fades to black)


Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Connect The Plots: "Transformers" & The "Armageddon" of Michael Bay

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours and welcome to another edition of"Connect The Plots" (Cut to a scene of James trying to connect certain things together like the theatrical version of "Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers" & "Halloween: H20", All the movie adaptations
 of Stephen King, Superman Returns to the original Salkind Superman movies, the first three X-Men movies to the newer ones and the "Wolverine" & "Deadpool" movies before cutting to James strapped down in a straight jacket all the while a kid sings "Connect The Plots La-La-La!" before panning down to see anything that might have a minor connection spell the words "Connect The Plots" before cutting to the title card of "Armageddon" as an instrumental of "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" play in the foreground and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
As it has been stated repeatedly here "Armageddon" directed by Michael Bay has become a cult classic, a guilty pleasure of mine, and has probably the biggest honor the movie could get a place in the Criterion Collection! That is insane. While a lot of the science behind it doesn't compute, nor does the whole drilling a nuke to blow an asteroid sky-high make a lick of sense. To me, this is the definition of popcorn entertainment that somehow has stood the test of time, which is far more than a franchise he drove into the ground. (Cut to clips of the Michael Bay "Transformers" movies as "Transformers" by the band Lion play in the foreground and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Michael Bay's first"Transformers" was such a hit that Bay hit the Lather, Rinse, Repeat on the plot five times until finally Paramount had enough and has decided to give Bay the boot, hit the reboot button with two movies, One I have seen in snippets and a new one coming soon. But believe it or not, as insane as being able to connect the "Halloween" "Thorn Trilogy" to "H20" & "Resurrection", I think I have found something that connects Michael Bay's five clunkers "Transformers" movies to "Armageddon" and it ain't Michael Bay. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And would you believe that it was the main antagonist of the movie "Armageddon" and it ain't Gen. Kimsey, Col. Sharp, or anyone like that. It is the asteroid! (Cut to clips of "Armageddon" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
First off, the exact starting point of the asteroid, Just where did in the depths of space did it come from, if anything, I think that asteroid came from Cybertron. What helps me think that is the material of the asteroid is that of compressed Iron Ferrite, however, there were other metallic elements that they couldn't quantify. They could've been elements from making both Autobots and Decepticons. I mean when their drill's first attempt tears up only a few feet in, that's more than just Iron Ferrite and it can't be any metal in the elemental table that we know. So no wonder it took them just until almost the ending of the movie to get to the eight hundred feet to get the asteroid to the breaking point. In addition, when the nuclear weapon goes kerblammo that couldn't have been good, acting as a signal to any of the Autobots & Decepticons that had been inactive on Earth to wake up and as a signal to any and all Autobots and Decepticons still lost to make their way to our planet! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
"But wait," you say, "How do you explain the fact, someone, mentioning the movie "Armageddon" In the first "Transformers" movie?" Well... (Cut to the first "Transformers" movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I am willing to bet despite signing NDAs I have to think that either "Rockhound" who in "Armageddon" was played by Steve Buscemi or "Chic" played by Will Patton had hit some hard financial times after Harry died and of course Governmental interference causing both Stamper Oil and A.J.'s oil drilling business to close their doors and the two decided to use Nom De Plumes to get around the NDAs to tell the story about how a group of Oil Drillers became Astronauts who had to drill into the heart of an asteroid, drop a nuclear weapon to save all of humanity from dying. A couple of Hollywood execs read the story, commissioned a script and "Armageddon" becomes a movie making the duo financially stable. Of course, they would have PTSD once the Transformers made their presence is known, and long story short "Rockhound" or "Chic" realize what they had done may have been was a bigger mistake than letting the asteroid hit the earth. Plus there may have been some of the remnants of the asteroid that made it to the Earth that activated the inert Autobots and Decepticons, might have taken them a few years but when they woke up, our planet became the home of their war. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But do we have "Armageddon" to thank for the horrendousness that has been not only the "Transformers" movies but I have to say the destruction of the career of Michael Bay? I think both were inevitable and "Armageddon" was not the cause of it. (Cut to clips of both "Armageddon" and the Michael Bay "Transformers" movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
To me "Armageddon" may have been the start of Michael Bay's Swansong towards what happened with the "Transformers" movies, it comes as no surprise what has happened with Michael's work. And while nine times out of ten I would hope for something better for someone and I do wish the best for Michael if he never escapes the downward spiral that most moviemakers suffer, he knows his career has come to its endgame. And for me, I'm fine with it. But at least I'm fine knowing I enjoy one of his movies. If you find one movie enjoyable as well, good for you. Me "Armageddon" was Michael at his commercial and critical popcorn fun. Everything else has been a sign for me to roll on out of the theaters. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

"Reboot" of the View Askewniverse

(Scene starts with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Daniel Walsh & James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written by James Daniel Walsh & James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with James Daniel Walsh on his right with half of team TLOTA and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Once again, we’re going to talk about Kevin Smith.  (Cut to images and stills of Kevin Smith and the myriad of his work as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And for good reason even though he has had the odd movie where things haven’t worked for Kevin Smith, he has had a pretty solid career of making movies that have had audiences lining up to see his movies in droves, even some of his lesser works have a fan base. I saw footage of people dressed up as the Bratwurst Soldiers from “Yoga Hosers” that is awesome. And as of this review, Kevin Smith is once again going back to the View Askewniverse with “Clerks III”, and we have a heart attack Kevin suffered, and one movie to thank Kevin for getting back into the View Askewniverse. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since I am talking about Kevin Smith, this one is one everyone saw coming (Audio of “Goodbye Horses” play as it cuts to the title card of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot”, then cutting to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Possibly one of the best comeback movies for anyone, Kevin Smith decided to go back to the well again and not only found something better than how it was done the first time around, but he was also able to make something this feel like the beginning of the next chapter of this universe. So how will Jay & Silent Bob connect to a new generation? What surprises await our favorite long-time Stoner Duo? (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Well, the answers are going to be revealed in “Jay and Silent Bob: Reboot” (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens as a SWAT team converges on the Quick Stop and the adjoining business now that RST Video has gone the way of the Dodo known as “Cock Smokers” which happens to be a Chicken cooking Joint which turns out to be a weed dispensary owned by of course Jay once again played by Jason Mewes and his Hetero Life Mate Silent Bob! Which of course was on its way to legalized status in Jersey as the movie was in production. We soon find Jay & Silent Bob in court where a lawyer for believe it or not Saban Films played by Justin Long decides to represent the duo and not only get the duo off of the charges but then quickly and in true Hollywood style get the rights to use Jay & Silent Bob for an upcoming reboot of “Bluntman & Chronic”! (Cut to the Power Rangers jokes characters are making because of “Saban Films”. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Bit of a correction you need to make there Kevin, if and when you do talk about Power Rangers again, in 2018 Hasbro bought the rights to the Power Rangers Franchise Lock, Stock, and Barrel, and while Haim Saban’s name is still attached to the franchise, let’s just say Linkara is more involved in the franchise then Saban is. (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Licking their wounds from the legal victory and the loss of the rights to call themselves “Jay & Silent Bob” to Saban Films. Our duo decides to go to Mall where Brodie once again played by Jason Lee has set up his comic book store after rent disputes at his old place. While there, everyone talks about one of their favorite movies “How High” and how they learned how to grow the Devil’s lettuce from “How High” they also discuss what caused them to lose the right to Calling themselves, Jay & Silent Bob. Kevin Smith, who exists in this world is directing the “Bluntman & Chronic” reboot. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So does that mean that all the movies Kevin Smith made happened in the View Askewniverse as well? And if that’s the case then what about the movies that featured Kevin Smith in character roles and…and…and… (James goes crossed eye as a still of Kevin Smith shouting “Cuckoo” comes out of James’ scalp, an image of Jay pops out of James’ right ear and an image of Silent Bob pops out of James’ left ear, and James blows a party noisemaker as a crazy instrumental of “Hurray for The Red, White and Blue” play. Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief talk about the difference between a Sequel and a Reboot, we see our heroes watching a video that has Kevin Smith tell about a cameo for the movie done at a convention about “Bluntman & Chronic”. That gives our duo the idea to once again go to Hollywood to stop the movie from happening. After a brief joke at both Kevin Smith and Silent Bob about their weight problem and of course Jay & Silent Bob being banned due to their involvement in “C.L.I.T” from “Strike Back” our duo decide to do some credit fraud thanks to Ralph Garmin’s loud and angry “Ted Underhill” our heroes hit the road on a ride-sharing trip with Fred Armisen and a healthy supply of Tater Tots which he tried to market to tweens as “Hater Tots” but found an audience he didn’t want Radical Racists. (Cut to James physically as there is a knock at James’ door.)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller comes in.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I hate to interrupt you while you’re doing a review but, there’s a couple of people here who want to see you. (Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
Can they wait? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I’ll ask. (Cut to James physically as the audio has Julia Alexa Miller talking and a voice shouting about how he had a heart attack and how he couldn’t fly because he was overweight and how he had to become a vegan until he says “Oh a waiting period, How much longer before James is available?” with Julia Alexa Miller saying “Soon” Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief appearance from Matt Damon’s Loki from “Dogma”, our heroes take a pit stop in Illinois. At a Mooby’s Jay discovers that the woman he loved Justice played by Shannon Elizabeth is now a Meteorologist for a local news channel. As their driver is arrested, Jay & Silent Bob find where Justice lives and is immediately incapacitated by a girl in a hockey mask and an attitude. After waking up, Justice brings Jay & Silent Bob up to speed, especially with the fact that Jay has a daughter, she doesn’t know who he is and Justice would like to keep it that way. Jay is introduced to his daughter Millenium Faulken. Okay, that’s kind of funny I will admit. Millenium or Millie as she would be called for the rest of the movie is played by Kevin’s daughter Harley Quinn Smith seems to have a good life and has a good friend Soppaphia, however as Justice and her better half Reggie played Rosario Dawson. Who I’m sure has a look-alike relative in New Jersey who runs a Mooby’s and is married to a man named Dante who is a partial owner of a little place called Quick Stop. Anyhoo as Justice and Reggie head on out Millie and her friend hold her dad hostage to take them to Chronic-Con.  (Cut to James physically as there is a knock at James’ door.)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller comes in.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, you may want to take a break and meet our guests. (Cut to James as he steps out of the office as it cuts to the opening to the Main Lobby)

TLOTA:
This better be important… (Jay & Silent Bob’s surprise music is played as it cuts to Jason Mewes on a recliner.)

Jason Mewes:
YO! WHAT’S UP MR. LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Jay & Silent Bob’s surprise music is played as it cuts to Kevin Smith)

Kevin Smith:
Hello James, so you’re probably wondering what it is I am doing here? (Jay & Silent Bob’s surprise music is played as it cuts to James with a look of “Pants to be darkened” on his face as James runs for his life. Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she looks on with Jason and Kevin looking over her shoulders.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
He’ll be back, soon, I hope…

(The Sound of tires screeching at warp speed is heard as it fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Jay, Silent Bob, Millie, and her friend make their way to Chronic-Con Jay tries to be a dad and try to keep her daughter from making the same mistakes he made by forcing her not to talk about her private “Stimulation” and try to keep her from the weed Sophie grew in a commune but Jay forgot about one thing Weed laced Chocolate with enough of the ganj to knock someone my size out for about a month! (Cut to James physically in his car heading back to the studio in the vain hopes that Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes aren’t there anymore.)

TLOTA:
But I don’t know because I never touch the stuff, I’m just guessing. MOVING ON! (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a moment in which Jay & Silent Bob has a moment with Redman & Method Man to discuss weed and parenthood. Jay wakes up looking like he’s teabagging Silent Bob as Millie and Sophie introduce us to Millie’s friends from an online support group, AND I SWEAR TO GOD I AM NOT MAKING THESE NAMES UP, their names are Jihad and Shan Yu! WEE-OOOH! And apparently, Shan Yu is a Podcaster that tries to contextualize life in America for her audience in the homeland! Once they discover that they lost their ride. Millie begins a plan to take a van to get to Chronic-Con with Jay and Silent Bob which looks familiarly like the Van from “Strike Back”. On the ride there Jay has the thought that his offspring and her friends are International Diamond Thieves Like Millie’s mom Justice, and her old associates. However, after a half-pissed/half-crazed return of the Fred Armisen Driver character. Millie takes off with her friends leaving Jay & Silent Bob in the lurch! (Cut to James quietly trying to get to his office as he looks through a periscope and sees Julia Alexa Miller, Jason Mewes, and Kevin Smith talking about things one subject being James as James quietly makes it back to the office with a Whew nearly giving him away)

TLOTA (Quietly):
Just for the record, my oldest nieces wouldn’t be that way around me! (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James quietly does a voiceover)

TLOTA ( Quiet V.O.):
Jay & Silent Bob quickly catch up to the girls as they find themselves caught by the members of those Knuckleheaded Clucking S.O.B.s led by of all people Chris “Le’ Champion” Jericho! Silent Bob distracts the Klan as Jay hits them with a bit of the weed and a port-a-potty filled to the brim with their excrement. Make your own DX dumping the McMahons and Spirit Squad with the contents of an overfilled port-a-potty jokes. The next morning Jay, Silent Bob, and the others make it to a level of Hell that Satan calls his winter home, Hollywood and they get to Chronic-con as Jay & Silent Bob get ready to stop the film and Millie tries to get her friend into the movie. While Jay & Silent Bob is being chased through different Q&As that features Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek, The “Comic Book Men” cast and the cast of wait a second… the cast from “clerks”  is in this and they’re in black & white? (Cut to James goes crossed eye as a still of Kevin Smith shouting “Cuckoo” comes out of James’ scalp, an image of Jay pops out of James’ right ear and an image of Silent Bob pops out of James’ left ear, and James blows a party noisemaker as a crazy instrumental of “Hurray for The Red, White and Blue” play. The muffled voice of Julia Alexa Miller saying “That might be him in his office.”  The muffled voice of Kevin Smith says “Let’s check it out!”)

TLOTA:
Crap! Got to be quick! (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Holden McNeil and Alyssa Jones played by Ben Affleck and Joey Lauren Adams pop in as Jay & Silent Bob meet their daughter Amy played by Jason Mewes’ actual daughter Logan Lee. (THUD) They discuss what it’s like to be a dad and Jay realizes that even though he may no longer be Jay he is something better, Millenium Faulkon’s Father as Holden gives Jay and Silent Bob the necessary passes to get into the girls into the movie. (THUD) The gang makes into the meeting with Kevin Smith, see a brief clip of the “Bluntman V Chronic” movie Kevin had in mind as we get cameos from Val Kilmer, Tommy Chong, and Melissa Benoist. (THUD) We get a classic comedy moment as Silent Bob and Kevin Smith do their own take on the classic Marx Brothers Mirror bit. (THUD) Millie and Silent Bob get on the stage incognito as they… (A final thud and shrapnel from the door Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith scream and the footage stops right there. Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith look at the moment and at each other.)

Jason Mewes:
On three?

Kevin Smith:
Damn right! ONE! TWO! THREE! (The two go down to the bottom of the stopped moment as they push it up as James tries to run for it again Julia Alexa Miller forces James to sit back down.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Relax! They’re not here to cause you pain! (Cut to Jason Mewes)

Jason Mewes:
Listen to the lady, James. Kevin and I have a proposition for you. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Name your proposition. (Cut to Kevin Smith)

Kevin Smith:
You don’t spoil the ending to the movie, finish your review, and then we will see if I can get you and Alex a cameo in the movie. There will be a million-dollar payday for it (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Can me and Alex think it over?

Kevin Smith (Audio only):
Please. (James and Julia Alexa Miller huddle up as they whisper to each other for five seconds.)

TLOTA:
For a million dollars? Absolutely! (James gives a thumbs-up as the scene freezes as cutting to the same type of text used in the ending of “Mallrats” and music “Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images of everyone is seen to show what was going to happen to everyone with “Kevin Smith couldn’t make good on his word to get James and Julia Alexa Miller into Clerks III.” “Julia Alexa Miller left both Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes in a world of hurting. Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes will be better by the end of 2021” “The Rest Of The Team, James’ friends, colleagues, and betters joined James for a week off in Sullivan County New York.” “Why they’re in Strait Jackets and looking demented will be told… Eventually” (Cut to clips of “Jay and Silent Bob Reboot”) “Although James won’t give the ending away. James thought this was one of Kevin Smith’s best movies and a great return to form for Kevin” “James also thinks that the references, writing, acting,  and directing was some of Kevin’s finest as well” “However James thinks for anyone who makes this their first movie featuring Kevin Smith, shouldn’t. This should be this one watched AFTER watching the classics to get the references.” “If you are a hardcore Kevin Smith fan then James strongly recommends getting it on Blu-Ray, Digital, in any way you can. It will not disappoint!” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion! (James walks away as the scene fades to black.)