Wednesday, April 14, 2021

"Artist" Therapy

(Scene begins with Julia Alexa Miller as she works on rearranging the stuff James had packed away)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What possessed you to pack everything I had up?

TLOTA (Offscreen):
Alex, I thought you were gone for good and I was into making some changes both personally and professionally. (Cut to James as enters Julia Alexa Miller’s Office as he shows his clean-shaven face to Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Speaking of changes, What do ya think? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
You look great! (Cut to James as a voice screams “ALEX, ARE YOU HERE?”)

TLOTA:
We’re up here! (Cut to Chad Narducci as he walks up and shoves James away)

Chad Narducci:
Oh thank god you’re here and packing up! That’s awesome! Well, thank you James for making sure Alex is okay and this is awesome, you’re packing up and getting ready to go. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she is putting everything back)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I was remodeling the office so I can return. (Cut to James as he walks back to Chad)

Chad Narducci:
Okay Faraci, Whatever you did to her, I am telling you to reverse it.

TLOTA:
I didn’t do a damn thing. Look, it’s obvious we all need to walk down to the last office in the hall!

Chad Narducci:
Why? Are we going to go at it like animals?

TLOTA:
No, he’s a therapist that I legally sublet an office so he can help out the rest of the team when they can come back safely and can help with us when we have Psychological problems and we’ll meet him AFTER the intro!

(Scene cuts away to a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to an office door with the words “Dr. Denny Psychiatric Professional”. Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
So now what do we do?

TLOTA:
I come here weekly since re-opening the studio. It’s been a good thing for me to do so! Be aware though, he’s a little peculiar! I think it’d be best for me to kind of be the one to get you acclimated to his style of therapy and some of the people he has to deal with. (James opens the door)

TLOTA (Sounding like Tommy Wiseau):
I did not hit her, it’s not true, it’s bullshit! I did not hit her, I did naught! Oh, Hai Doc! (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Oh, hello James and just in time for another group therapy session and I see you brought guests. (Cut to a very surprised Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci with their jaws agape as James walks towards them)

TLOTA:
What?

Julia Alexa Miller:
You have actually to say that?

TLOTA:
Every single time and Alex has to gender flip it!

Chad Narducci:
Seriously?

TLOTA:
Yep! (Chad and Julia Alexa Miller sigh in defeat as they say the line as James says it in the Tommy Wiseau accent. Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Welcome to our Room Therapy session. Meet Claudette! (Cut to Claudette as she is drinking alcohol like a fish!)

Claudette (Played by Renee Miller):
Hello! (Claudette continues to drink as the camera turns to Johnny as he tries to shave his beard with a bowie knife)

Dr. Denny (Audio only)
And that’s Johnny (Johnny played by John Ross Santos grumbles as he says hello, The Camera turns to Peter played by Nick Yaun) And, over here is Peter! (Peter chuckles insanely. The Camera turns to Lisa played by Rebecca Yaun.) And, here is Lisa!

Lisa:
HI-YEEE! (Lisa licks a picture of Tommy Wiseau) He’s so dreamy, I can’t wait to shove a chainsaw up his rectum! (Cut to James, Julia, Chad as they look somewhat visibly shaken, and Dr. Denny as calm as the wind)

Dr. Denny:
And finally, two new participants Tim Stereos and George Wiseman! (Cut to a very heavily disguised Tommy Wiseau as George Wiseman and an equally disguised Greg Sestero as Tim Stereos)

George Wiseman:
Hello, How are you?

Tim Stereos:
Welcome to The Room Group Therapy. (Cut to James, Julia, and Chad)

Chad Narducci:
These people need to be in straight jackets!

TLOTA:
Dude, disrespectful! (Dr. Denny pops in)

Dr. Denny:
OH! Tensions between some of our participants! Let’s work them out! (Cut to James as he takes his seat, Julia Alexa Miller wants to sit between James and Chad when Chad picks her up and over one seat so James and Chad have to sit together.)

Chad Narducci:
Okay, the main source of my problems, is this guy to my right! “James Faraci The Last Of The Americans”! Ever since 2016 he’s been a thorn in my side. Alex and I decided to work on a show which was just a fun project called “Life As A Mermaid” then we decided to make a second season and this is where this son of a bitch comes in, we had a crowdfunding event, James decided to donate money. Had anyone with common sense would’ve done he would’ve left well enough alone. But no, he had to promote the series, he had to tweet about it, post it on Facebook pages! This guy has no self-control. Then season 3 happened, we decided to do a Patreon, while he doesn’t add anything financially, he says to himself (Making James sound like a moron): “DUH, IAMAMORON! I GONNA TRY AND POMOT A PECIL FOR A YOUTUBE SHOW IHAF NO PAT IN, IN A REVIEW OF ANOTA SUBJET! I GOT NO SEF-CONTOL, UH! I EATS THE SILLYPAINT!” (Sounding like himself): You didn’t offer any money, but guess what, you made it a point to invite us to some party for his friends to what end in hopes none of them do a review of the show Me and Alex made! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Then comes our final season! He somehow gets financially enough to add to our budget ONE DOLLAR! ONE LOUSY DOLLAR! (Chad turns to James who is getting angry) YOU ARE A PATHETIC LITTLE WORM! AND AGAIN HE PROMOTES THE SERIES! BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN THE WORST OF IT! AFTER HIS POINTLESS LITTLE FIFTH ANNIVERSARY REVIEW, ALEX COMES BACK TOTALLY UNLIKE THE WAY SHE LEFT THE ONLY TRUE STATE IN THE COUNTRY, CALIFORNIA TO THIS TOILET STATE CALLED “NEW YORK” IN THE HOPES TO GET DIFFERENT EXTERIOR SHOTS FOR THE SHOW. This was also the time when Alex finds her new nitch doing photography but Alex comes back and all of a sudden she sneezes and a wave goes the opposite way, she can do things that I would describe as freakish! And I know that James just put his…(Chad grabs James’ hand) HIS DISGUSTINGLY FREAKISH AND UGLY HANDS INVOLVED! (Chad let James’ hand go and spits on him!) Then just as things kind of get back to normal here comes this studio! James asks Alex to move out to this little Podunk pissant county in this flaming toilet bowl just so she can do her photo tutorials, then James asked her a question which I have no idea it is until he can get his friends, the people I used to work with and then there the idiots he considers his peers in his profession to tell us! Then comes this pandemic which I figure would work perfectly in untangling the web of stupidity this idiot has around him. But all of a sudden Alex hears about a review on the show, he had little to no involvement in because a fan asked him to do so, and uh-oh! (Cut to Chad as his fist clocks James, who is getting angrier by the moment, in the forehead as he speaks) MR! NO! BRAIN! ACTIVITY! DECIDES! TO! DO! A! REVIEW! OF! A! SHOW! THAT! HE! HAD! NO! IN-VOLVE-MENT! IN! WITHOUT! CLEARING! IT! WITH! ME! (Chad stops punching James in the forehead to once again address the group) And it’s this reason that this freak, like you miserable incels, is the bane of my existence! That and he’s a Republican, therefore he is a gun-toting, neo-nazi, Bible Thumping, Trump-supporting, satanic pile of excrement who deserves to be made into the biggest joke on the face of the planet! (Chad sits down and flips James the bird! Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Well, James, you’ve been extremely patient having your character assassinated by someone with the ego of Lisa but the courage of Denny! So guess what, everyone, please let us shame this disgustingly egotistical douchebag! (Cut to Chad as he turns to James)

Chad Narducci:
Did you hear, they’re gonna shame you! This is gonna suck for you! (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
No, Chad, please stand up again! (Cut to Chad Narducci as he stands up in protest)

Chad Narducci:
Excuse me? James is the freak! (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
And do you know what you are? (Cut to the group as they face Chad)

The Group (In Unison):
Chicken, Chad! You’re just a little chicken! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheeeeeeeep! (Cut to Chad)

Chad Narducci:
Please take this as an offensive assault on your character and your standings in psychiatry Dr. Denny. Does your therapy education come from that awful Tommy Wiseau movie “The Room”? (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Why yes, it is and your offense is ignored as “The Room” was a psychological study into the psyche of Johnny’s brain as all he sees is betrayal, disgust, and hatred even by those closest to him! Even his future wife seems disgusted by how Johnny is to the point where Lisa becomes so toxic, she drives poor Johnny to suicide. Even after his demise, Lisa revels in her disgusted handy work! Any comedic moments were incidental, for instance, group, what is the one question we do not ask? (Cut to the group as they say “Anyway, How is your sex life?”. Cut to Chad Narducci and Julia Alexa Miller both take a swig of their drinks as Julia Alexa Miller spit takes out to the group and Chad Spits on James’ crotch which leads James to scream so loudly, cut to a forest as James’ echoing scream causes an avalanche! Cut to James as he has a pained look on his face!)

Dr. Denny (Audio only):
My god, James, What happened?

TLOTA:
This (Extended Expletive deleted bleep) just spat scalding hot tea onto my balls which is recovering from being waxed! (Cut to every guy in the group save for Chad crossing their legs! Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Chad, I noticed that you did not cross your legs as did the rest of us guys who could. You are glad of what you did? You are as toxic as Lisa! (Cut to Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
WHAT IS EVERYONE ON? DUMB PILLS?! JAMES ISN’T THE JOHNNY OR MARK OR ANYONE LIKE THAT HE’S A PATHETIC LOSER LIKE ALL OF YOU WHO WATCH AND ARE “TRAUMATIZED” BY A STUPID MOVIE! (Cut to Claudette)

Claudette:
You’re an idiot! Seeing naval banging and Tommy’s naked ass UGH! (Claudette drinks another bottle. Cut to Johnny)

Johnny:
And what about that moment in which they’re in Tuxes playing Football? That’s not bound to cause traumatic pain? (Cut to Peter as he chuckles and shouts SPOONS! Cut to Lisa)

Lisa:
Then there was the Spiral Staircase sex! That was something I’d like to try and I would do it after eating Tommy’s Penis! (Cut to a visually disturbed Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
I take my rant about you sick bastards back! (Chad sits back down Cut to James sitting on one end, Chad in the middle and Julia Alexa Miller at the other end)

Julia Alexa Miller:
But I’m sure that production wasn’t as crazy as the movie itself, Right? (James smiles nervously with an eyebrow raised) RIGHT, JAMES? (James chuckles nervously as it cuts to the Title card of “The Disaster Artist” before cutting to James sitting there with a defeated sigh on his face, Julia Alexa Miller putting a trashcan over her as Chad cries as he has a total meltdown cursing James out in the process. Cut to clips of The Disaster Artist as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yes folks, the legend exists! “The Disaster Artist,” tells the tale of the behind-the-scenes chaos that came from the making of the Iconically horrendous movie “The Room” and how it affected the relationship of two semi-unknowns named Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero. But is the movie as accurate as a Hollywood Bio-pic? Does this tell the insanity of the behind-the-scenes of “The Room” accurately? (Cut to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Short Answer, no! Long answer, You should check out the book in which the movie is based on “The Disaster Artist My Life inside “THE ROOM” The Greatest Bad Movie Ever Made” as written by Sestero to hear the behind-the-scenes stories from making the movie for more in-depth info on this trainwreck from hell, but for now, let’s check out the movie the book is based on this is “The Disaster Artist”! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with testimonials of Kirsten Bell, Adam Scott, Ike Barenholtz, Keegan Michael-Key, Lizzy Caplan, Danny McBride, Kevin Smith, and surprisingly J.J. Abrams about their experience with watching “The Room” and their thoughts about the reputation of the movie. (Cut to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Ask some of the people in my profession and they’ll have some interesting thoughts on the movie. (Cut to the actual testimonials of Internet Reviewers who saw “The Room”.  Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We soon find ourselves in the year 1998 as we’re introduced to an insecure actor named Greg Sestero played by Dave Franco as he flounders in an acting class ran by Jean Shelton played by of all people Melanie Griffith! But as Greg walks back to his seat in shame, he meets the one and only Tommy Wiseau played by Dave’s big brother James Franco as we see well… (Show clip of Tommy Wiseau doing a bizarre rendition of Stanley Kowalski from “A Streetcar Named Desire”. Cut to Peter as he chuckles then babbles like a brook incoherently. Cut to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Was that Tommy Wiseau doing the whole “Stella” bit from “A Streetcar Named Desire”?

TLOTA:
Yep. (James pulls out a case of Liquid I.Q. for everyone as it cuts to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So after that Greg and Tommy quickly become friends, impressed by his fearless (snickers) acting Greg wants to learn more about Wiseau as he claims he’s from New Orleans has apartments in San Francisco and Los Angeles, how can he afford it? Do we get more information on Who Tommy is? You guessed it, NEVER EXPLAINED! After hanging around with one another for a while, and watching James Dean’s “Rebel Without a Cause” and other classics, Greg and Tommy decide to hit the pavement looking for Hollywood Fame and Fortune in acting. (Cut to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Them and anyone desperate to make it in entertainment. (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Greg signs with Iris Burton played by Sharon Stone and is getting guest spots in movies like Gattaca, Patch Adams, Retro Puppet Master, & EDtv. Tommy is not having as much luck as I wish I was kidding his Acting coach, played by Bob Odenkirk suggests he go for roles in movies remakes of “Dracula” or “Frankenstein” (Cut to Claudette as she hears that and grabs two bottles and starts to drink them at the same time. Cut Back to “The Disaster Artist” as James continues to do a voiceover.) As Tommy and Greg celebrate Tommy decides to hit the Dance floor. (Show Tommy Wiseau as he dances to “The Rhythm of the Night” by Corona. Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they tilt their heads as it cuts back to Tommy Dancing and the letters “WTF” cover the scene. Cut to George Wiseman as he chuckles and Tim just sitting there)

George Wiseman:
That Tommy is a great dancer, among his other abilities, Yes?

Tim Stereos:
Yeah, sure To-Uh George! (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller.)

TLOTA:
What did you call him? (Cut to George and Tim)

George Wiseman:
George! My name is George!

Tim Stereos:
Yeah, Didn’t nearly call him Tommy! That’s for sure because Tommy Wiseau is not here, AT ALL! (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they say “Right” in unison. Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
However the good times don’t last as acting gigs for Greg dry up and Tommy being Tommy well, Yeah, there was NOTHING for him even after accosting Judd Apatow in the middle of dinner. One day Tommy stands on top of his Hollywood place as he contemplates his future. Then and there with Greg’s encouragement, the two decide to stick together as Tommy begins to write his (Snickers) Opus “The Room”! (Cut to a clip of Tommy as he goes over the plot of “The Room” even going over the fact Johnny is a vampire. Cut to George and Tim as they grumble over something. Cut to Johnny)

Johnny:
Either spit it out or go out to the men’s room to cornhole each other! (Cut to George and Tim)

Tim Stereos:
Uh actually, I don’t know if we should say this but me and George we worked on “The Room”

George Wiseman:
Yeah, we survived all the crew changes. We were there when Tommy said, “Maybe Johnny has a flying car because he’s a vampire” as a joke, nothing serious! (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they say “Sure” in unison. Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Greg looks over the script for what feels like hours is on board and Tommy having somehow put together the financing. Tommy decides to film in both HD & 35 MM! Any other filmmaker worth their weight in salt would go with a straight HD rental but nope, Tommy Wiseau decides that he’s gonna film in both 35MM & HD and he was going to buy the cameras from the studio. The studio he’s going to buy the cameras from thinks he’s completely cuckoo but decides that if he was going to take the cameras, they’d allow Tommy to film “The Room” right in that studio! After a regular Tommy Wiseau casting call, the cast is set, the sets and rigs for the cameras are set as Tommy sets out on his (Snickering as he talks) quest to make the greatest movie ever. (Cut to James as he bursts out into laughter onto the floor as it cuts to George and Tim)

Tim Stereos:
Wow, you lasted longer than most people who’ve critiqued “The Room”. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she stands up.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well from what I remember from some of the other reviewers who tried to review “The Room” Tommy Wiseau threatened to sue them, even though the reviewers were in the right to review Tommy Wiseau’s “Movie” and how in the hell can you two defend Wiseau. (Cut to George and Tim)

George Wiseman:
We worked on the movie, we survived because we shut up and listened to Tommy Wiseau! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
OH, REALLY! (Julia Alexa Miller looks with intensity at the duo, keeps his eyes on them as he writes “George” & “Tim”’s initials and inverting them. Cut to a hallway as we see “George” taking off his costume and make-up appliances revealing himself to be Tommy Wiseau and “Tim” doing the same revealing himself to be Greg Sestero)

Greg Sestero:
Great Tommy! You had to say more than you should’ve! And of course, the one therapy group that we thought we could hide in and not be recognized, boom! We’re recognized as that guy in the shirt with that Star and Stripes whose Girlfriend figured out it was us and now we’re being lynched!

TLOTA (Audio only):
They went this way!

Tommy Wiseau:
I’ll blame you later! Right now we shut up and run!

(Tommy and Greg run out of frame screaming for their lives as James shouts and runs after them, followed by Julia Alexa Miller as she zooms by, Chad Narducci running by, followed by Dr. Denny, and the others with Claudette taking a drink then shattering the bottle and screaming as the scene fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While the filming goes, for the most part, smoothly, Tommy’s inexperience makes the shoot quickly erode, and not helping is when  Tommy gets himself ready for his first day of filming as an actor, and well the results are… See for yourself! (Cut to the attempted filming of the “I did not hit her, it’s not true, it’s bullshit, I did not hit her, I did not! Oh, Hai Mark!” scene! Cut to Tommy Wiseau as he is strapped to the wall and Greg Sestero is duct-taped to a pole.)

Tommy Wiseau:
That is lie, It did not take 95 or however takes the movie said it did, it took three maybe five takes also I had a script on me so I could do the “Bullshit line!

Greg Sestero:
Tommy, I was there, I had to carry your ass through Thirty Two takes! THIRTY-TWO! (The two argue as it cuts to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller as Julia Alexa Miller stands up and confronts Greg and Tommy)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Listen, you need to stop arguing while James is trying to do his work, so now would be a good time to (Shouting which causes a minor tremor in the building): SHUT UP! (Cut to everyone shaking. Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Excuse me, Julia? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she returns to her seat)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Call me Alex! (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Okay then Alex, it appears you have quite an aggressive streak, one that rattled this building, are you like Chris-R where you cannot wait five minutes? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Chad Narducci, and James Faraci)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I have patience, I also allow myself to have a healthy amount of anger. (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Well, do you direct it towards James or Chad? (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
When I am in the right to do so. One time, James took me on a trip to Aragrabah in his Space-Time Device, and the next thing I know we’re doing a Disney’s “Aladdin” adventure! (Chad sits there with a surprised look on his face!) Before then, Chad was giving me Tsouris over what happened right as I left James’ old studio, A couple of hundred volts of electricity and you’ll learn not to piss me off! (Cut to still images of everyone with a look of either shock or fear except for Lisa who might be happy to piss Alex off! Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After what probably felt like a year in hell or the only other way I can compare it to is being made to work for a day with Wiseau, Sandy Schklair played by Seth Rogen decides to cash a check and if the money isn’t there, he’d probably be the first one to tell everyone to bail, when to his shock and surprise, The money is legit! So much so that, I kid you not, the budget for “The Room”, again no joke is… (Cut to James as the music for Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movie at the 1:15 mark plays as camera zooms to his face as he points his right pinky to his left dimple)

TLOTA:
Six Million Dollars! (The same mark plays as it cuts to everyone else except James, Tommy & Greg as their jaws collectively hit the ground. Cut to James) Yeah, I was shocked at this as well! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While production drags to a crawling pace equal to the final season of “Mako Mermaids” and no basic services like comfortable days on the set, no water, craft services, or Air conditioning eventually leading to the actress who plays Lisa’s mom collapsing however Tommy feels like everyone including for Greg no reason outside of Tommy being suspicious of everyone’s support during the making of the movie especially since he has been recording all their honest criticisms and Tommy doesn’t like criticisms against him. I wonder who he reminds me of and when it comes to the infamous Naval Banging scene, tensions have reached an all-time high. During a break from filming Greg and his girlfriend played by Dave Franco’s wife Allison Brie meet up with of all people, Bryan Cranston while working on an episode of “Malcolm In The Middle” because Greg with his beard looks like a lumberjack! And this gives me and everyone here carte blanche to do this. (The Lumberjack song plays as Greg sings the song as James and the others dressed up like mounties and do the refrain and as the song ends Lisa says “And I thought you were so rugged!” then proceeds to try and eat Greg as everyone jumps Lisa to stop her. Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) Greg asks to withhold from shooting to be in “Malcolm In The Middle” but Tommy somehow forces Greg to shave his beard, Sacrificing a chance to be in a popular show and hopefully get away from Tommy. Finally, after one too many days of arguments and Tommy being an asshole, Greg while filming in San Francisco, walks off citing Tommy’s lying, selfish and duplicitous actions, and the movie is wrapped! (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they sit in their chairs.)

TLOTA:
Which by any ordinary standards means that the movie would never see the light of day! (James holds in his snickering for five seconds before erupting in laughter for five seconds then regains his composure.) But for this crazy ass story, we’re nowhere near the finish line! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We cut to June of 2003, Greg has all but forgotten the horrors of working with Tommy Wiseau, he and his girlfriend have called it quits, and is now a working theater actor in L.A. One day while coming home from a performance Greg sees the infamous billboard promoting “THE ROOM”! He then comes home to see an invite to the premiere for the movie which thankfully with sanity reigning decides not to go, that is UNTIL… SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE! Tommy’s back and forces him to come to the premiere in a limo filled to the brim with merchandising from “The Room” as Tommy and Greg drive past the premiere as Sandy says the most apropos statement about Tommy Wiseau! (Show the clip in which Sandy says it would be weird if Tommy did something normal! Cut to James)

TLOTA:
YOU AIN’T WHISTLING DIXIE ON THAT ONE BROTHER! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The premiere happens and as people are laughing Tommy feels sad that no one is getting the movie but Greg is showing how this lemon is becoming lemonade! Tommy eventually relents to calling “The Room” a tongue-in-cheek parody of romantic dramas!

Julia Alexa Miller (Audio only):
WHAT?! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she gets up and hoists Tommy Wiseau over her head and Tommy is screaming for help and his mommy. (Cut to Chad Narducci and James)

TLOTA:
Okay, quick note, when Alex gets that angry… (A loud slam is heard and Tommy’s scream of pain shakes the footage) Thanks to the fact my current girlfriend read a magical letter from an ex-girlfriend of mine…(A loud slam is heard and Tommy’s scream of pain shakes the footage) She has the abilities of Supergirl, Wonder Woman, Carol Danvers’ Captain Marvel… (Strobing lights simulate Electricity as Tommy Wiseau screams in pain)… Storm and of course (James plugs his ears) Black Canary! (A scream is heard that shakes the footage as it cuts to the door and a thoroughly destroyed Tommy Wiseau with his hair now white and standing straight up on end. Cut to Greg who is now seeing Tommy Wiseau)

Greg Sestero:
JESUS CHRIST! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM? (Cut to the thoroughly destroyed Tommy Wiseau)

Tommy Wiseau (High pitched):
Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go! (Tommy collapses as it cuts to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And as the ending plays letting us know that the movie is now a cult classic and in one scene we see Greg Sestero as he stands in silent misery knowing he’s sacrificed his entire career, knowing he’s stuck with this weirdo from “Chalmette, Louisiana”,  we’re given actual scenes from “The Room” playing in synch with scenes recreated for “The Disaster Artist” AND IF THIS MOVIE HASN’T ENDED ON THE WEIRDEST NOTE EVER! THERE IS A POST CREDIT SCENE IN WHICH TOMMY WISEAU MEETS WITH THE REAL TOMMY WISEAU CREDITED AS HENRI FROM CHALMETTE LOUISIANA! LET’S GO! (Show clip of Tommy Wiseau and Henri from Chalmette with Tommy saying to end this crazy fest “My god... Who are these friends Greg has?” as the Looney Tunes orange circles and ending theme plays it cuts to the recreation and the original scene of Tommy Wiseau shouting “YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!” in the center of the Looney Tunes orange circles then cutting to Nicolas Cage in the center of the circles shrugging comically with the words “THAT’S ALL FOLKS!” pasted over it! Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller.)

TLOTA:
So that was “The Disaster Artist” and Chad I think you have something to say?

Chad Narducci:
Why yes, I do! (Chad stands up and then proceeds to do the Woody Woodpecker laugh! Cut to clips of “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
IF THIS WAS WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEHIND THE SCENES OF “The Room”? THEN IT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME THE MOVIE IS BONKERS FOR BANANA BALLS! “The Disaster Artist” with exception of minor inaccuracies the movie tells the stories that went on behind the scenes of “The Room” with a certain amount of accuracy. The acting is superb, the pacing of the movie is done well throughout the production, seeing what it was like on a movie set and if the people formerly associated with a certain site that's run by a feggulah and his group of Meshuggina schmucks decides to sell the rights to their collective stories to make a movie of their own then guess what I am all for it if you want to check out all of the behind the scenes madness of the room or you're just looking for a movie to prepare yourself for what not to do in making a movie or if you are devoted to Tommy Wiseau and his insanity then, by all means, check this movie out I highly recommend it. (Cut to Tommy Wiseau)  

Tommy Wiseau:
But what about “The Room”, do you like it? You do or you would not be a fan. (Cut to James as he sits in his seat)

TLOTA:
Well, the first time I saw “The Room” was to prepare myself for my brother's wedding, I could not believe what I saw. Yeah, it was perfect MST3K material I made more jokes about it than probably most people in my profession. I made an entire review in which Tom Hardy's characters from his past movies we're doing “The Room” for my review of “Venom”. (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Reviews? What exactly is your profession James? (cut to Chad Narducci sitting next to James.)

Chad Narducci:
This piece of cock garbage? He's an Internet reviewer! (James turns to Chad. Cut to James running for his life with Alex following him and Chad as well. Cut to an angry mob as they try to Lynch James, Alex, and Chad. Cut to Claudette as she drinks from her bottle and smashes it screaming as she runs out of frame. Cut to Tommy Wiseau as he still has his chains around his wrists.)

Tommy Wiseau:
Come Greg he is getting away! We will tear him apart the bastard!

Greg Sestero (Audio only):
You go ahead I'll be right there! (Tommy screams and flails his chains every which way as he runs out of frame show Greg Sestero as he is hopping along still tied to the pole. Fade to black, end of review)   

Friday, March 19, 2021

Try to blind me with "Science Boy"!

  (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours, I've seen movies that have had their fair share of good and bad moments and always I found something enjoyable about them. What I just saw had me having this reaction. (Cut to James with a blank background as he screams into a backpack for thirty seconds! Cut to James in his office.) Yeah people, this one as much as I tried to give it a fair shake always somehow, it did everything in its power to throw it away! (Cut to the Title card of "Science Boy's High School Reunion" then to the clips of the movie.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Starring, Written and Directed by Alex DeCourville, "Science Boy's High School Reunion" was a passion project he had in his mind for a character he had in mind. However, sadly this did have a lot going against it! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now before anyone and I mean ANYONE thinks I'm just going to go to town on it and tear it and everyone involved a new one, I am not knocking the maestro behind this movie, I am not knocking the cast or the crew or anyone involved. This is my impression of the movie as a movie. Is there going to be something I can enjoy about this movie? Will I be using my palate-cleansing list that I made while watching this one? Well, let's brace ourselves for the inevitable. This is "Science Boy's High School Reunion" (Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens up as "Science Boy" played by Alex DeCourville as he thwarts a crime by literally the power of science or dumb luck that's up to interpretation, after that we get our opening credits and it does look rather unimpressive, not bad mind you but yeesh! I'm in for less than a good time. We soon find our hero as his normal self Jason Stone at his day job as a struggling actor and the look on this casting director will mimic many of you who watch this movie. (Show clip of Jason Stone as he tries to audition at a theater troupe. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
This is gonna be a loooong hour and a half! (Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The Casting Director pretty much says that he stinks so badly that if, were it up to him, would kill Jason and send the dude to hell where every single film making great, every successful writer and musician would beat him to death day in and day out for all eternity! After failing at his audition, Jason finds at his apartment an invite to his high school reunion! We then flashback 12 years as we see Jason's associates from his school and can we see that the blond ditz is well... (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Would someone mind telling me what they're supposed to be? (16-bit rendition of "The Chicken Dance" as it shows the secondary characters from the High School as it shows the Bubbly Blonde Space Cadet and under her is the title "Bubbly Blonde Secret Lesbian", The guy who likes to pleasure himself and under him is the title "A Dude Too Disgusting For The Man Show", The Goth and under her is the title of "Pretentious Girl who thinks being Goth is cool, even when it isn't", The Bully and under him is the title of "The guy who only got the girl because our hero is a pathetic dork", Show the female lead and under her is the title "The Pathetic and easily kidnap-able/ Brainwashed Princess Peach". Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Jason continues to talk about his backstory we discover that at a Science Fair Jason is hit with some sort of scientific goo or actually come close enough to it to affect him. After an "OH DEAR GOD! WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" moment, Jason dons his Science Boy Costume and SWEET MERCIFUL GOD! WHAT IN THE NAME OF SIR ISSAC NEWTON IS UP WITH THAT BULGE?!  Uh, Okay after that bit of "WHAT WAS I THINKING?" Jason perfects his costume and gets the Ring of Science and begins his career as a Superhero though he needed to work on being a normal guy the rest of the time. (Show clip of Jason trying to be "Normal" as James goes to the Horseshoe couch in his lobby and steps in revealing it to be a containment area filled with Blu-Rays and DVDs.)

TLOTA:
Okay, Palate cleansing time! We got us some "Fast & Furious" movies, "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective". "Batman & Robin", "Fishtales"(James looks at the audience) Yeah, it's that bad that I am going for this one! (Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Jason tries to tell the love interest he pines for, her parents tell him she's on a date with the Bully. We soon find ourselves back in the present time as Jason decides to go and tell his love interest how he feels and go to the reunion. Meanwhile, at a bar some villain named Killjoy wants to hire a "Family" of enforcers to get "Science Boy", but that's not important as we're welcoming back the class of 2009 at a bar as we see some of the people talking about certain things that happened in the past and what they're up to. We soon see our love interest as she comes in with the bully and apparently they're married. But it's not like Jason will do something stupid like say reveal his identity to everyone at the reunion thus putting our main cast in danger. (Show clip of Jason revealing who he is at the reunion as it cuts to "The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult" head-slapping moment. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So after that bit of "ARUGH! YOU [Expletive Deleted Bleep]" Everyone at the reunion rightfully rips his ass a new one and he abruptly walks out! Later on, the bully and the love interest meet at a bar where OH GOODY THE "HERO" of this picture comes in just as the enforcers come in. One lame-ass fight scene later, the enforcers are thwarted. Not too happy, Killjoy and his minions somehow decide to go after the love interest, though I must ask "HOW IN THE NAME OF NIKOLA TESLA DOES KILLJOY KNOW WHO SCIENCE BOY'S LOVE INTEREST IS?! HOW?!" UGH! At any rate, Killjoy brainwashes her into being a Villainess known as "Evil Woman" oh I forgot, Killjoy not only is never happy he somehow has the power to make people do whatever he says. An explanation would be nice to know about how he acquired his abilities! Oh well, we soon see our love interest seducing Science boy, and wouldn't ya know it works as she somehow forcefully convinces the casting director to hire Jason to be in his show, and in the brief few hours crime has risen a whopping ONE DECA-QUADRILLION PERCENT!  His friends try to convince him to get back to being a hero but he's happier being an actor!. (Cut to James physically as he continues his palate-cleansing expedition.)

TLOTA:
Oh hey, "Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull"! YES PLEASE! Oh, these movies (Show black censored bar over three movies made by a fegulah and his unfortunate victims.) I'll take them! Listen, I'd like to be a working actor myself but even I have my priorities! (Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
However The love interest's husband AKA The Bully comes in wanting to kill Science Boy for taking his wife! Even though from what I heard about you in this movie, you're the type of asshole who should be sentenced to life without parole for being such an asshole to his wife that he'd kill her before seeing her leave in an episode of "Law & Order: SVU"! Ugh anyway after that bit of irritation, The love interest shows her colors and allegiance to Killjoy, and Jason sadly quits being Science Boy and gives her his ring. Walking away in defeat he disappears as his friends decide to have a party where wouldn't you know it the bubbly blonde finally comes out as a lesbian and professes her love to the goth. However, the party is ruined as Killjoy and Evil Woman come in to challenge them and so after coming clean and coming out, our secondary characters decide to suit up and face Killjoy when... OH FOR THE LOVE OF PROFESSOR HIRAM STUPIDIOT! (Static breaks as it cuts to Professor Stupidiot.)

Professor Stupidiot:
Hi James, yeah sorry I haven't been as active, this facocta pandemic... (Cut to James as he grabs "Superman IV: The Quest For Peace" and The "JAWS" sequels.)

TLOTA:
Stupidiot, I didn't call on you so go back to whatever it is you're doing! (Cut to Stupidiot)

Professor Stupidiot:
Okay.(Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yes our "Hero" comes in and we're given yet another battle. Our hero and his associates save the day with pure FRIGGIN luck and please know that I am condensing a lot of stuff that is happening, trust me it is literally minutes away from the finish line when Jason realizes he can never have the love interest, EVER and goes on to continue the fight for justice! (Cut to James physically as he sits on his horseshoe couch)

TLOTA:
As pathetically as he can do it. Look I tried my best to enjoy it and I just couldn't. (Cut to clips of"Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, from an acting and writing standpoint, it's better then some of the worst I've seen but not by much. A lot of my problems come from the technical aspects. They may be on par with what little of the "RVD's  Extreme Comedy Championship" proof of concept and I saw that in Brian Zane's episode of Wrestling With Wregret that's saying something. If you haven't seen it, then do yourself a favor, DO NOT ENGAGE! It... (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, I'm going to show everyone something! ORAC! Contact Alex! (Show James as he pulls out an old VHS tape as Julia Alexa Miller hops over the couch and lands on the cushion.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So what's up?

TLOTA:
I am about to show you something, that has never been shown by anyone since the early 1990s (Cut to the screen as it shows a middle school production of "The Diary Of Anne Frank" as James performs as Otto Frank. Cut to James and Alex as the two watches.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Is that you as Otto Frank, in "The Diary Of Anne Frank"?

TLOTA:
Yeah, everyone else used cue cards and was reading it as if it were the first day they were trying. Me I was mostly off the card and the camera work was possibly some of the lowest I've ever seen. But that was more professional than what I sat through(Cut to clips of"Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Technically the audio problems, the effects, every movie in the Dollar Store is more technically proficient and better done that this movie. It is on the same levels of "They just didn't care" as "Attack Of The Eye Creatures"! And just for the record, Alex DeCourville specifically asked for people to review this movie. He literally asked for it! And my review is that acting and writing-wise it was okay but the technical side is what let this movie down and can write this experiment as a bust. However, I want to say this to Alex DeCourville. You had a good idea and you did show your competence as a writer and an actor. So my suggestion, study more of the technical aspects and maybe you can figure out how to better yourself in making movies. Alex, don't give up at all and maybe you'll have a career in movie making. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller as they sit down and work on what to watch next on the Palate-Cleansing.)

TLOTA: 
Whichever one you want to watch next, we'll check it out.

Julia Alexa Miller:
"Scales: Mermaids Are Real", Okay James seriously you need to find something better than Mermaid movies. (The two kiss as Julia Alexa Miller walks away)

TLOTA:
What can I say? I like what I like when I need to cleanse myself from a bad movie. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion.

Saturday, March 13, 2021

Even the Cool Of Keanu must "Face The Music"

 (Scene begins as the stars reform James and Julia Alexa Miller on the Keyboard and James is on guitar as the music of “Moves Like Jagger” restarts as Julia Alexa Miller sings “Now here we go! It’s a kind of cool thing! The way he does the way he’s rocking! It’s a fine thing! He can see ya coming, enjoy the loving, because it’s what he’d doing Cut to James as he sings “And he goes a little something like this! Watch him and he’ll show ya, Look him take control, yeah, you know because he’s cool like Keanu, Yeah! Yeah! He’s cool like Keanu! You know he’s Coo-ooo-ool like Keanu! I don’t even have to tell ya! Just watch him and You’ll know how to be Cool Like Keanu, know how to be Cool Like Keanu! Know how to be Coo-ooo-ool Like Keanu!” while Julia Alexa Miller scats (The ending five seconds of the “Moves Like Jagger” sound-alike play as James and Julia Alexa Miller disintegrates into stars and reforms into a constellation that looks like Keanu Reeves’ face which becomes a still photo that zooms as it cuts to James and Julia Alexa Miller standing in the clockwork castle.)

TLOTA:
Alex? Is this what happened to you? (Cut to a close up to The one in the cloak)

The one in the cloak:
I am not this Alex you’re speaking of I… Please stop touching me! (Cut to James as he and The one in the cloak as his hand go through the midsection of the figure and James pulls his hand out.)

TLOTA:
Sorry. (Cut to a close up to The one in the cloak)

The one in the cloak:
Now as I was trying to say, I am “The Guardian”! I am here to help you on your journey. Through this castle, I will guide you through so you may return.  (Cut to a close up of James)

TLOTA:
Return to what? I died, I stabbed myself through the chest my lungs are gone, my heart ripped out as it has been like that for eight years now and I think that… (Cut to James as he looks around The Guardian as The Guardian walks away and James runs up to The Guardian and follows The Guardian as the two of them walk in the clockwork castle.) As I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted when you walked away, I think that I deserve to be at peace after everything I been through. I think I am entitled to… (A ghostly figure appears in front of the two as “The Guardian” starts to do something as James confesses a horrible secret about him which sends him reeling backward and the castle moves forward in the clockwork.)

“The Guardian”:
What did you do?

TLOTA:
I don’t know, I guess it feeds off confessions.

“The Guardian”:
Perhaps you’re more well-knowledgeable about this place.

TLOTA:
No, but I am a quick study!

“The Guardian”:
Come with me! (“The Guardian” grabs James and tosses him into a room that looks like his office. Cut to “The Guardian” as she stands at the door) The Castle is going to move again, soon enough you will have to come face to face again with the Confessional and when you do, I cannot assist you. Because it does so, you’re going to need to wait in certain areas which I can set up after you confront it! (Cut to James in the room that looks like his office.)

TLOTA:
Okay and in the meantime, do I have anything to keep me sane? (Cut to “The Guardian” as she stands at the door)

“The Guardian”:
I think you were going to review it, so no better time than now to see it. (“The Guardian” levitates a copy of a movie only for it to hit James between the eyes.) Good Luck James. (The Door closes. Cut to James as he picks the movie up and sees it’s “Bill & Ted Face The Music”.)

TLOTA:
Hmph! Well given my current situation, I’m ready! (Cut to the Title Card of “Bill & Ted Face The Music” then clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yep, after a long ass break from the first character that got him major exposure Keanu Reeves reunites with long-time friend Alex Winter to bring about what many considered a solidly ended series with another entry to the series which took 29 years to make. But was it worth the wait and will this be the movie that ends everything in the way it should end for our Duo or will they end up doing something worse than what happened last year. (Cut to James as he feels the shifting of the clockwork.)

TLOTA:
Let’s just get to it, this is “Bill & Ted Face The Music” (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Our movie opens on an expositional dump on Bill S. Preston Esq. played again by  Alex Winter and Ted Theodore Logan played again by Keanu Reeves as done by their now 20 plus years old daughters Theodora “Ted” Preston Esq. played by Samantha Weaving and Wilhelmina “Billie” Logan played by Brigette Lundy-Paine about how their dads were going to write the song that would unite the world. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Now if my memory serves me right, didn’t what they did at the end of “Bogus Journey” end things and create the Utopia? It must not have done so because according to their daughters, they fell from grace and hard trying to keep up with what was going on! (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And apparently, the fall was starting to do damage to history itself! We soon cut to the present day as Bill & Ted prepare to perform at Deacon’s Wedding. Who’s Deacon? Ted’s brother who only got lip service in “Bogus Journey” and was a minor character in the first movie and Deacon married Missy! You know the woman who married Bill’s Dad, then Ted’s, then probably married DeNomolos, Rufus, Col. Oats, Death, and possibly a myriad of others before marrying Deacon! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, how did that kid in that one episode of “Law and Order: SVU” call it? (Cut to the clip of the kid telling Elliot Stabler that his dad had a case of Dirty Whore. Cut to James physically) That’s it! (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
With their performance going south, it’s safe to say that they’ve hit below rock bottom in their careers! Even their marriages to the princesses this time played by Jayma Mays and Erinn Hayes have hit the skids so much the two couples are in Couples Therapy! I’m not even kidding seeing both Bill and His Wife and Ted and his wife in the same couples therapy session is possibly a comedic highlight of the movie. However, the daughter of Rufus, Kelly played by Kristen Schall has been asked to take our time traveling duo to the future to see the consequences of their inability to make the song that they wanted to make happen as everyone sees that the Space-Time Continuum is collapsing in on itself. The Great Leader played by Holland Taylor tells them they’ve been given until 7:17 P.M. that night they come back to the present to make the song or The Space-Time Continuum is going to go bye-bye! And given how 2020 was, it’s safe to say… (James screams as it cuts to him falling in his “Office”)

TLOTA:
Okay, this is getting screwy! (James gets up and opens the door to see a new part of the Clockwork Castle.) Now, where am I? (James walks around as he sees a puzzle and he taps on his glasses translating it.) “With every confession, it grows stronger until it shatters your heart and your fate is sealed”. So how can I defeat it, everytime I see it, it makes me confess unless the fear of death makes me confess and that fear keeps it at bay. (James comes face to face with “The Confessional” and runs in the opposite direction as James runs into “The Guardian”)

“The Guardian”:
What are you doing?

TLOTA:
Running from “The Confessional” I think the fear of death I have, weakens it or not, I could be, I’m possibly certain that it grows on Confessions and The Fear Of Death. Because if I’m right, Here we go! (The Confessional runs up to the two as James decides to do something that might kill him and The Guardian is creating a barrier to keep the confessional at bay.)

The Guardian:
What are you doing? (Cut to James as he shatters a window)

TLOTA:
I’m going to jump into this pool of whatever it is… (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
The Pool of Time itself? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Yep, So, GERONIMO! (James jumps in as it cuts to James in a Hospital bed as a Doctor played by Thorn Winter comes in and sees water coming out of James’ mouth and it hits a pan on his bed and James returns to being unconscious.)

Doctor:
He’s coughing up water now, which means he’s getting better. It’s amazing, in all my years of medical practice, I have never seen a scenario in which someone stabs themselves through the ribs, turns the blade they used to stab themselves then pulls it out only for them to suffer only a massive blood loss, I mean it’s a miracle that his lungs and heart were not damaged and you were lucky to have found him when you did. (The Camera pulls to a figure in the shadows as the figure walks into the light and reveals herself to be Julia Alexa Miller.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
It wasn’t luck, it was fate. (Julia Alexa Miller walks up to James.) James, I know the last time we talked I promised you that I would wax your balls for the “Life As A Mermaid” review, but if you wake up, I Can’t promise to be as mad at you but I will be more forgiving, just please come back, James! Please!

(Julia Alexa Miller kisses James on the Cheek and cries as the scene fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to James as he revives in the Clockwork Castle in what appears to be his studio’s lobby.)

TLOTA:
Now, where am I? (The Guardian says “Another safe room” as James screams and we see The Guardian enjoying a drink.)

The Guardian:
I know it looks like the Lobby in your studio but if it works, don’t knock it. (Cut to James as he gets up and joins “The Guardian” on the horseshoe couch.)

TLOTA:
Would you be okay if I continued with something I was doing in the last safe room?

The Guardian:
Of course not, We’re going to be here for a while as we’re moved forward towards your goal.

TLOTA:
Thank you (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Bill and Ted arrive two years into the future as they’ve hit even further bottom and not only have their wives left them, their daughters won’t have anything to do with Bill and Ted, so to add to their list of things to do, they have to save their marriages to the princesses, write the song and hope they can get it right. Meanwhile, The Great Leader, finds herself running low in the patience department as she decides to send a killing robot to end Bill and Ted. Kelly decides to warn Bill and Ted but winds up meeting Thea and Billie as decide to help by bringing in artists like Jimi Hendrix, Ling Lun, Louis Armstrong, Mozart, and someone named Kid Cudi (I’m not into modern pop music so I have no idea who Kid Cudi is) to help in the song. In The Meantime, Bill and Ted continue to travel as they meet up with the Rockstar Successes who just so happen to be faking it and it’s a song by Dave Grohl and then… WHAT THE HELL?! (Cut to James and The Guardian as the two sit on the horseshoe couch.)

TLOTA:
Okay Guardian, How in the world do I make fun of Ted looking like Braun Stroman and Bill looking like friggin if he dropped the weight and became pure muscle!

The Guardian:
Well if you talked about it like that, then it counts as a joke.

TLOTA:
Hmm, didn’t think of it like that! (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Billie and Thea wind up meeting with the robotic assassin named Dennis who promptly kills them all! Bill and Ted soon wind up meeting themselves on their deathbeds and to be honest, it kind of shows what happened when they focused on what wasn’t important. But the duo gets the song on a flash drive and they must get to someplace called MP46 at 7:17 PM to perform and record the song. However, Dennis lets the duo know that he royally screwed up! I mean, he TRULY, MADLY, INSANELY, ROYALLY SCREWED UP BY KILLING THEIR DAUGHTERS AND THE MUSICIANS THE TWO TOOK!  With that news, Bill and Ted sacrifice the song forcing Dennis to kill the duo. However Dennis decided he’s screwed up too much and tries to end himself but Bill and Ted run in as Dennis ends himself taking the blast as well sending them to hell to rescue the musicians, Billie and Thea, it’s there they come upon Death once again played by William Sadler. With their daughters Bill and Ted patch up the problems they had with Death after a falling out and a lawsuit that happened and brings everyone back from the dead. (Cut to James and The Guardian as the two sit on the horseshoe couch.)

TLOTA:
This is getting weirder and weirder and I don’t know if I can take it.

The Guardian:
Well, it does seem to be moving us forward to your destination.

TLOTA:
So I better get going and hope I can figure out whatever happens next. I recorded it on my glasses. (James takes off his glasses and points the earpieces to the wall and a holographic image shows a translated puzzle.)

The Guardian:
“Add one to the twelve, go back five then turn the answer sideways.”? Why didn’t you tell me this?

TLOTA:
Well, I was kind of busy outrunning The Confessional as I went through that Pool, warmed up by the fire, got made to look through a whole lot of other places which for some reason, I should’ve talked about before getting here to which I apologize for it but something tells me when we get to the location, I can try to see what is going on. (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Bill and Ted tell them about the fate of the song and soon realize that the Preston and Logan the song was about was done not by Bill and Ted but instead by Billie and Thea! All I can say to that, to finally quote Keanu Reeves after all this time, is “Whoa!”, not only that the song itself must be played throughout all of space and time! Speaking of space and time, The Princesses return and realize their lives are most excellent with Bill and Ted then without the two in it and with Kid Cudi’s advice Bill and Ted make infinite versions of themselves to hand out the instruments to every single person throughout time and space. Bill and Ted return to lead the band and the movie ends with the universe finally coming into harmony and a post-credit scene seeing the elderly Bill and Ted playing their guitars. (Cut to James and The Guardian sitting on the horseshoe couch.)

TLOTA:
And that was “Bill & Ted Face The Music” and it was for me a necessary thing to watch because it was awesome and fun, however not for the reasons you might think. (Cut to clips of “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As much as it was a fun thing to see Bill S. Preston Esq. & Ted Theodore Logan going through time and space having a fun adventure trying to fulfill their destiny, I was more interested in Billie and Thea’s storyline of the dutiful daughters trying to help their fathers fulfill the destiny they were supposed to be. The comedy was good, the action was fun, the drama was well-paced in the story which while having a few bumps and swerves survives it and makes everything work. No wonder everyone says that this was the movie of 2020. If you haven’t seen it, go get it and check out the final chapter of one story and possibly the start of a new story worthy of the legend of Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan! (Cut to James and The Guardian as they look out the door.)

The Guardian:
It appears we’re where we’re supposed to be. So are you ready? (James opens the door.)

TLOTA:
I am so ready for this to be over! Let’s go! (Cut to James and The Guardian as they walk through the Clockwork castle.) So we have to look for like a clock or…something like a clock.

The Guardian:
A Puzzle?

TLOTA:
Yeah, You’re going to have to keep that thing busy!

The Guardian:
Who are you talking about?

TLOTA:
Him! (Cut to The Guardian as The Guardian holds off The Confessional as James tries to solve the puzzle and does so quickly.) Guardian, come on! (Cut to The Guardian as The Guardian holds off The Confession)

The Guardian:
This is my job, your destiny lies in there! (James turns the 8 on its side and unlocks the door that leads to the path that James takes James to another door, as James looks and opens the door to see a giant crystal.)

TLOTA:
Okay, now what do I do? (James comes up to the crystal and touches it noticing a pattern, James uses his hands to follow the pattern and sees his start to glow and the energy coming from James’ hands fill the pattern and begins to punch the crystal with his right hand and as it tires out James uses his left .) Well, when in Rome! Now I know The Confessional is somewhere behind me. Sorry, but I’ve got nothing to confess. Would you like to hear about the tale of the Emperor and The Shepherd’s Boy? There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says… (The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him, draining him of his energy before falling apart. As James lays there The Guardian takes him and the scene is bathed in light as it shows James in his bed in December and James standing over him.)

TLOTA:
So Alex brought me in and made the changes and as for what happened after that, That was you. (Camera shifts to the right to reveal The Guardian)

The Guardian:
That’s right, however, there is a caveat, you won’t remember everything, I’ll be going through this again. (Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
Again? (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
Good Luck! (James shoves into James and he wakes up and a sound-alike to “The Shepherd’s Boy” plays in the foreground as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James says “It has been like this for ten years now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says… (The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James says “It has been like this for fifteen years now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond…(The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James “It has been like this for twenty-two years now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it…(The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James says “It has been like this for twenty-eight years now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it and every thousand years a little bird comes and sharpens its beak…(The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James says “It has been like this for thirty-two now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it and every thousand years a little bird comes and sharpens its beak and when the mountain is chiseled away the first second of eternity will have passed…(The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James says“it has been like this for thirty-eight years now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)

TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it and every thousand years a little bird comes and sharpens its beak and when the mountain is chiseled away the first second of eternity will have passed.”  You may think that’s a hell of a long time! (James screams as he finally shatters through to the other side and the light shatters The Confessional) Personally, I think that’s one hell of a bird! (The Guardian walks forward.)

The Guardian:
You finally did it, it took you a few tries but now you can return. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Okay, but what about what I did to break through the crystal? (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
It’s been inside of you, I guess you never knew it. Look in there. (James and The Guardian look into the end of the tunnel as they see James as James’ past which includes when he stabbed “The Wicked” in his “Spider-Man 3” review and be able to create his first suit after being revived. Cut to James looking at The Guardian)

TLOTA:
That was me? (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
There’s more, even the moments you thought were beyond your abilities. (Cut to every moment where even scientifically he shouldn’t have survived but he did even when he stabbed himself with his sword. Cut to James looking The Guardian)

TLOTA:
So all of these moments, every last one of them, was magic that I made? (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
Even when the one you love, saved you after you did what you had to do. (Cut to moments after as Julia Alexa Miller sees James laying dead in a pool of blood.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
ORAC! Contact the hospital and clear the shortest path!

ORAC (Audio only):
Understood! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Did Alex come back? For me? (Cut to The Guardian)

The Guardian:
Well someone close to her and you reminded her of what good you’ve done for her. She’s waiting for you. Go back to her and to the future you deserve. (James looks ahead in the tunnel and walks through. Cut to a light shining into the camera, cut to James as he waves the light away and James wakes up in his hospital bed.)

TLOTA:
Where am I? (Cut to a Doctor played by Thorn Winter)

The Doctor:
Welcome back, Mr. Faraci! (Cut to James in his hospital bed.)

TLOTA:
My Father was Mr. Faraci. I’m James. (Cut to the Doctor.)

The Doctor:
Either way, you were a lucky individual, had your lady friend not found you, you would’ve surely been dead, days ago. (“Deliberate Thought” by Kevin MacLeod plays as Julia Alexa Miller walks into the light and to his side.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Did what I had to do what I had to do. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
What are you doing here? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I can survive without you and you can survive barely without me, I know I saw your other reviews and I know you think we shouldn’t be together because of everything that happened to you last year and I know you respect me enough to make my own decision. I know there’ll be risks. But I want to face them with you. It’s wrong that we should only be half-alive, half of ourselves. I love you. So here I am saving your life. Isn’t it about time someone saved your life as much as you saved so many? Well say something

TLOTA:
Thank you, Alex! I love you (The two kiss)

Julia Alexa Miller:
But while I’m here and you’re exposed.

TLOTA:
What are you doing?  (Julia Alexa Miller walks away as she goes to her purse and pulls out the wax strip and James in fear for his existence asks, begs, and pleads Julia Alexa Miller not to do what she plans on doing as she walks back, cut to black as a ripping sound is heard and James screams like there was no tomorrow.)

Saturday, February 13, 2021

In Defense Of... "THE MAN SHOW"

 (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of "In Defense Of..."(Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics  play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right-hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..."  before cutting to the Intro of "The Man Show" during Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla's Tenure then clips of "The Man Show" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Ah Yes, The Man Show fitting as by the time this is posted it'll be Valentine's Day a day for men who are single to complain the most, drink the most, and curse the most at women, and nowadays when being a man has started to go the way of the Dodo again, we need something like this again. But to understand the hows and whys this show was a success and why it needs to come back we need to figure out why it was a success, why it did as well as it did and why it needs to be defended from a culture that has become to pussified. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let's grab a beer, drop your pants, send the wife and kids to France, Quit your job, Light a fart, Yank your favorite Private Part, Be at a place where men can come together, look at the cans on a girl named Heather, Watch Bouncy Girls on Trampolines and loosen your Blue Jeans because it's time for "The Man Show"! (Cut to clips of "The Man Show" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In 1999, Comedians Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel worked with Daniel Kellison to develop a show to celebrate men because, at the time, there were a lot of shows centered around feminism. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Full disclosure, I support Femisism, I support equality, I just also happen to be a guy! Remember that, But I digress! 
(Cut to clips of "The Man Show" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
"The Man Show" debuted in 1999 with a squad of bikini-clad women dancing to the often drunk and often horny audience and the fastest drinker on the planet, at the time, Bill "The Fox" Foster, He first appeared on an episode of "TAXI" & "That's Amazing" and had his own bar where he drank and sang filthy covers of songs. Trust me his cover of "Lady Of Spain" is not for the kiddies, I can tell you that, right now! Hosting duties were done by Carolla and Kimmel throughout 95% of the show's run, We'll get into what happened later on. Again, I digress, The pilot set the tone for the rest of the series under Carolla and Kimmel as the duo praise The Hoover Dam and use it to promote the series. Some of the notable reoccurring sketches in the series including "Father & Son with Jimmy and Kevin Kimmel" (And for the record, that is his actual son), "Man-O-vations", "Movies Men Don't Want To See". "When Adam is King", "Wheel Of Destiny" and the "Museum Of Annoying Guys" that were done on the set, there was plenty of live sketches some of them involved a very hefty kid named Aaron they dubbed "The Man Show Boy" in the later seasons in which he was willing to do such things like serving beer for seventy-five cents, or using fake IDs to get Pornos and Booze. Most of the episodes ended with a "Q&A" on the topic of the episode or to briefly give Jimmy's now Ex-Wife Gina a few seconds to try and defend things they slammed only for something to go south either lack of time or something else insane and then the toast they'd end the episode. (Show every clip of "The Man Show" raising their glasses to the German drinking toast Ziggy-Zockie, Ziggy-Zockie, Hoi-Hoi-Hoi multiple times before pounding down the drink.) And then of course every episode also ended with girls jumping on trampolines! After re-watching the first season I can say that some of the episodes really still hold up like their take on Marriage, Sports, and other subjects Men have had a solid stance on and critically, the show was SLAMMED by critics calling it one of the biggest piles of trash, but what they didn't get was that Carolla and Kimmel weren't celebrating the toxicity of Manhood but rather they were slamming the toxicity of manhood that was the neanderthal-Esque idiots who believed that being a man meant being imbecilic and hurting women to get them to fall in love, you know, the type of guys who shouldn't get the girl but surprisingly does. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
As a matter of fact, Comedy Central had such a hit, they allowed Kimmel and Carolla to appear in of all things a Romantic Comedy! (Cut to "The Man Show" clip from "Down To You" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.): 
"Down To You" was your generic Rom-Com from the year 2000 with one exception, this one had a cameo by Kimmel and Carolla in their cameo Al played by Freddie Prinze Jr. fails to satisfy Imogen played by Julia Stiles in the bedroom in a fantasy clip Al appears on "The Man Show" only for Carolla and Kimmel to rake Al over the coals for not being able to pleasure Imogen and for his career choices, it may just be the best part because if Carolla and Kimmel knew that Freddie was dating Sarah Michelle Gellar, I guarantee one of their clip shows would see the two of them in a hospital bed in matching body casts.
 (Cut to clips of "The Man Show" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.): 
By the start of the second season, an unexpected tragedy befell the series as Bill "The Fox" Foster passed away from prostate cancer an hour after filming the first episode. While they acknowledged that he did pass away after the episode was filmed, the rest of the season continued on their raunchy romp of satirizing... WAIT FOR A SECOND! (Record scratches and the footage stops.) Those two banners in the background in the Wrestling School portion. Are those from the Herb Abrams UWF and the AWF, that had one of the proprietors be involved with mob ties and that Cicero town president? (Cut to James physically)  

TLOTA:
So the same the two wrestling organizations that brought us this... (Cut to the infamous clip of Herb Abrams as he rants and raves on Col. Red. Cut to James physically.) AND THIS... (Cut to the clips of the WWE Unauthorized in which all the clips were of the AWF Cut to James physically) that closed its doors around the same time got recognition on The Man Show! If Brian Zane ever does a Compilation of Wrestling Sketches and misses the one on The Man Show, you will hear from me! 
(Cut to clips of "The Man Show" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.): 
By the start of the third season, a new musical group had joined to help entertain the audience, a polka group called the Good Time Party Boys however, for all intent and purposes the Good Time Party Boys was NO Bill "The Fox" Foster and while everything was good, I was seeing tensions between Adam and Jimmy were getting palpable. There were more jabs at each other that felt less friendly as episodes went on and while they were as professional as they could be, the two lasted another season but by that time Jimmy Kimmel was in talks with ABC to do his late-night talk show and Adam Carolla was probably glad to do anything else! By the end of the fourth season, both Carolla and Kimmel said their goodbyes to the audience and did a final clip show together. Yeah throughout all of the seasons Carolla and Kimmel did they played what they thought were some of their funniest sketches and they had set their clip shows in some unique places, Cabo San Lucas, Jimmy's home, Las Vegas, A Dude Ranch, and other unique locales. But after the duo ended their tenure executive producer Daniel Kellison searched for the next duo and when season five rolled in we were quickly disappointed in the choice of hosts. The rather unfunny Doug Stanhope and equally as unfunny Joe Rogan. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Oh, you think I'm joking? Watch "Newsradio" Joe Rogan can't even hold a candle to his co-stars, Andy Dick was funnier than Joe Rogan! And what in the hell was frickin' Doug Stanhope been in. (Cut to a black screen and the words "Due to the fact James has some decency and dignity, James refuses to use any of Doug Stanhope's appearances in the "Girls Gone Wild" series of videos." Cut to James physically) Ha! 
(Cut to clips of "The Man Show" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Eventually, even the audience didn't find the series funny anymore, even as Doug Stanhope had an episode based on a boxing match between himself and Olympic skating disgrace Tanya Harding! Comedy Central eventually decided to end the series partly due to changing comedic tastes and of course low ratings. The series ended in June of 2004 with not even a whimper, it was more of a sigh of defeat. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But as P.C. and Woke Culture seems to be constantly forcing men to again be well relegated to mediocrity, do we need "The Man Show" to return to smack the hell out these wimps? In my opinion? Yeah! 
(Cut to clips of "The Man Show" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Look at how men are being made to suffer no matter what they do, they have become criticized, ostracized, and downright made to be seen as fodder for jokes by women who wouldn't go near guys on a bet. We need something made by men to make fun of the wimps men have become and how much women have made it even harder and how the laws made it even harder for men to be men. Case in point, a few years ago, I was in a supermarket and I was walking up to a woman who I saw and before I even said hi, this woman says to me "Either get stepping or I am calling my calling my lawyer and I will file a restraining order!" And now if you ask me, we need to celebrate the essence of that manhood again and while we'll never get the same chemistry as Carolla and Kimmel in the heyday of The Man Show, we could use something to make men feel better about being men!  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
And now I say to any male reviewer, join me with your drink of choice and salute the show that made Toxic Masculinity a farce and showed us how men need to be! TO MEN! A TOAST! (Cut to every male reviewer with a drink as they chant 
 Ziggy-Zockie, Ziggy-Zockie, Hoi-Hoi-Hoi multiple times before pounding down their drinks. Cut to James as he finishes off his drink!)

TLOTA:
I AM A MAN! I'M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS AND THAT'S MY OPINION!