Thursday, July 15, 2021

An arthouse "Head" trip

  (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. So the last few times I talked about something either crazy or something movie based on music, I mentioned two different things "The Monkees" or their only cinematic outing "Head" (Cut to the title card of "Head" then clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And to be fair, this movie even today is one gigantic mindfuck! But there is a story that needs to be told behind this movie and its four stars. The Late Davy Jones, The Late Peter Tork, Michael Nesmith & Mickey Dolenz when combined performed as "The Monkees". (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And to tell the story of "Head", I have to tell the story of how we got here. Imagine yourself in the 1960s you've seen the movies "A Hard Day's Night" & "HELP!" which starred instantaneous musical icons "The Beatles" and you decided to do a series starring four semi-unknown performers to capitalize on their success. Well, that's how Bert Schnieder and Bob Rafelson came up with The Monkees. (Cut to the intros and clips from the first & second season of "The Monkees" and clips from "Behind The Music: The Monkees" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
On September 12th, 1966 the series "The Monkees" premiered on NBC and from the start, the series was very lighthearted and silly. However, as the first season went on Michael Nesmith was feeling restrained by Don Kirschner the head of the musical production of both the band and the series. Nesmith and Kirschner locked horns with Kirschner eventually relenting to have Nesmith produce several B-Sides for the first two albums. When The Monkees hit the road for their first tour, they slowly but surely became more comfortable in their musical abilities. Though this is where Don Kirschner returns to the picture. While trying his best to keep the hit-making machine the band was becoming and trying to hold the reigns tighter on the band, Kirshner released a second album while their first was still doing well in the charts. Michael and the late Peter Tork nearly had a meltdown because they didn't expect the album to be out while A) The first album was released, B) The way the album was done without them knowing what had happened and what was on the album, and C)With The Monkees on their first tour. Finally, leading to the moment at the Beverly Hills Hotel in which Kirschner had for The Monkees four individual checks for a quarter of a million dollars and four gold records for Davy, Michael, Mickey & Peter. It was there that Michael Nesmith basically told Kirschner that he and the others felt disrespected with the way Kirschner was handling their music and Kirschner's lawyer shoved the contract in Michael Nesmith's face. Michael's response was to punch a wall at the hotel and say "Yeah, That could've been your face!". Kirschner's career soon ended with both The Monkees and  Columbia's music department. While The Monkees continued both the series and making albums they also had plans to do something else after the second season. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
This is where Burt Schneider and Bob Rafelson met a then young and semi-unknown named Jack Nicholson and this is where "Head" started. (Cut to clips of the movie "Head" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Apparently, from what had been reported The Monkees, Jack, Burt & Bob went into a place, got baked out of their marbles, and talked their ideas out into a tape recorder. While filming in June of 1968 their series had been canceled. Then the movie "Head" came out. With a budget of seven hundred fifty thousand dollars, an R rating, and Bob Rafelson in the director's chair, the movie was a critical and commercial disaster! The movie opens with The Monkees jumping off a bridge and from there it goes darker and crazier than the series did. It has the foursome A) In a warzone with Peter getting a photo for a cover in Life Magazine then being repeatedly tackled by NFL legend Ray Nitschke, performing in a concert which is intercut with news clips of events of the day ends with the band being torn to pieces then it goes off the rails even further with insane ideas like for Mickey Dolenz having become a Shiek War Lord in the middle of the dessert with a harem for destroying a Coca Cola machine, Michael and Mickey doing a brief scene in a Western, Davy having to fight Sonny Liston, then having to perform after The Monkees are sucked up into a Vacuum, how he escaped I don't know. Then we have a myriad of other insane moments in which involves them trying to regain what little control they had to the plot but to no avail. Eventually, the movie already off it's nut ends with Peter eventually meeting someone calling themself "The Swami" and Peter relaying what he found out to the others and saying "I Know Nothing" which sends Davy off like a nuclear bomb attacking the set and the studio only for the four to be in the desert to see the whatever this movie has for antagonists The Monkees run on foot for their existences which goes back to bridge to jump off and the four being carted off in an aquarium tank on the back of a truck. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So it isn't a surprise to me why this movie didn't work except for showing the self-destruction of The Monkees. (Cut to clips of the movie "Head" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
According to Bob Rafelson who directed the movie "The Monkees were victims in the movie of the industry and the movie was meant to move the band towards a more mature audience." Well, seeing as how their album sales were toast by the time the movie came out and the failure of the movie, the only thing that did happen was to show The Monkees as behind the times and out of the ground to even stand on. So much so Peter Tork left the band after the movie failed. Not long after that after a few more albums, Michael Nesmith leaves and then A-The, A-The, A-The, A That's All for The Monkees! As for Burt Schneider & Bob Rafelson, they went on to collaborate again with Nicholson, Dennis Hopper, and Peter Fonda on Easy Rider, and then Nicholson worked with Schneider and Rafelson on a movie called "Five Easy Pieces" both movies earned Nicholson an academy award nomination. (Cut to the performances of "The Monkees" and to the performers of the four in the years after their Heyday as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, The Monkees fell into even further obscurity until MTV played reruns which revived their popularity to the point where they were able to tour sans Michael Nesmith who inherited a fortune from his mom who made "Liquid Paper". While Michael did perform on and off over the years with his old bandmates, in 1997 we see The Monkees return to tv with one last special, "Hey, Hey It's The Monkees" sees the foursome return to try and see where they stand with the audience of today which ends with The foursome having one last great concert together and knowing people actually liked their music and with them getting the respect they had earned over the years, which to me is a better way to see The Monkees get a sense of closure more than "Head" ever did. That same year their final album as a foursome "Justus" came out. They performed at Wembley Stadium for several performances with Michael eventually leaving for the last time. You can probably and correctly assume that after Davy and Peter's death that Mickey and Michael will have one last tour together before calling it a career as "The Monkees". (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now having gone over the career of The Monkees and the movie. What do I think of the movie "Head"? I can say it is a really good arthouse movie. (Cut to clips of the movie "Head" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Now even though according to The Monkees, Burt Schneider, and Bob Rafelson it is also meant to be a dark and satirical look into how Hollywood works and destroys us. I can think of better movies that do that situation without having such a weird and absurd plot. I think if the movie was meant to be how the culture was not where it should've been or how we were being shown as a culture in the decline of where we once were. Well if that was the case, WHY DID YOU THROW THE MONKEES INTO THE MIX? Even though Davy Jones said that "Head" was not the movie The Monkees were supposed to make, I say it had to be made but not in the way it was. Had it had someone outside of the band, Rafelson, Schneider, and Nicholson trying to make this movie, it probably would've been more well handled. But as is, if you need to just go into a movie where you need to feel crazy, then I suggest you find it. Though it is rare to find on either Blu-Ray or DVD, I suggest you try YouTube to get the experience of insanity The Monkees gave you. Whether you wanted to see it or not. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.

Friday, July 9, 2021

The Different Cuts of: Superman The Movie

 (Scene starts with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Daniel Walsh & James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written by James Daniel Walsh & James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with James Daniel Walsh on his right with half of team TLOTA and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James as he walks into his studio and towards his lobby.)

TLOTA:
Woo, that was a fun time. Now to relax with one of my favorite 4th of July movies. “Superman The Movie” the best, the classic, the original… (Cut to James as he looks at the three different versions of “Superman: The Movie”. Cut to a very confused James.)

TLOTA:
What is going on? “Superman: The Movie (1978)”, “Superman The Movie (2001 Special Edition)”, “Superman: The Movie (The Three Hour TV Edition)”?

????:
Figured you might want to marathon some Christopher Reeve Superman! (James turns and screams, Cut to James Daniel Walsh as he screams. Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as he screams. Cut to James Daniel Walsh as he screams. Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as he screams. Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and James Daniel Walsh as the two screams in unison.)

TLOTA:
Boss! (Cut to James Daniel Walsh as he hops over the couch)

James Daniel Walsh:
Well James,  since you are as much a Superman fan, I figured you might want to watch and analyze all three versions of “Superman: The Movie” with me! Besides, I said to you I want to do it. (The Last of The Americans joins James Daniel Walsh)

TLOTA:
Okay then let’s talk about “The Different Cuts of Superman: The Movie”

(Whistling version “The Lumberjack Song” is heard as Team TLOTA dressed as Lumberjacks see a gigantic piece of film celluloid and James chops it down and the other members cut it to different lengths and on the ends sticking out of the back of the truck the words “The Different Cuts” are seen in differing syllables. Cut to the opening of “Superman: The Movie” then to clips of the movie as James Daniel Walsh and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As stated before, by the 1970s Superman’s popularity had hit such a low that the bottom of the barrel isn’t even at the start of how low Superman had fallen especially as to how people treated Superman as a character and of course, Superfriends pretty much were working network standards and practices to their breaking point. (Cut to James Faraci and James Daniel Walsh dressed in white button-up shirts and black ties.)

Network S&P man #1 (Played by James Faraci):
David, did you see this joke about Superman having landed on Fire Island? (The two briefly laugh)

Network S&P man #2 (Played by James Daniel Walsh):
Cut it! Oh Steve, see this Superman joke in San Francisco with him going over the rainbow? (The Two briefly laugh)

Network S&P man #1:
Gone!

Network S&P man #2:
Good!  (The two open bottles of Jack Daniels after reading the script. Cut to clips of “Superman The Movie” as James Daniel Walsh and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
But after the success of “Jaws” in 1975, “Rocky” in 1976 & the original “Star Wars” in 1977, movies were starting to be more entertaining and father and son producing duo Alexander & Ilya Salkind fresh off of making “The Three Musketeers” and its sequel decided to try their hand at doing Superman justice and after going through half of Hollywood’s directing pool chose Richard Donner to direct this movie and its sequel.

James Daniel Walsh (V.O.):
However, when Production decided to focus on the first movie they had to hope for the best and pray for the worst. What happened was that the movie went on to be the highest-grossing movie for Warner Bros. for a long time. However, in 2000 Warner Bros. released a special edition of the movie and this version is the one Richard Donner considers his favorite version. Little did any of us know growing up who became a fan of both versions of this movie there was a third cut made specifically for TV which threw every scene they had in the book in terms of deleted scenes which was released on Blu-Ray in 2017. I would guess this is the cut of the movie I saw when I was three, which is literally my first ever memory.  (Cut to James Daniel Walsh and The Last Of The Americans on the horseshoe couch)

TLOTA:
Well since you we take a look at the Extended TV Cut and compare them against the 1978 original and the 2000 Special Edition versions in “The Different Cuts”. And the way this segment works is…

James Daniel Walsh
I’m aware of the four categories for judgment. “The Plot”, “Editing”, “Cast & Characters” and finally “The Re-Watch Factor”.

TLOTA:
Precisely! (Julia Alexa Miller comes in.) Hey Alex, you’ve met my boss before, Julia Alexa Miller this is James Daniel Walsh!

Julia Alexa Miller:
Hi James, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Do you mind if I speak with James Faraci, privately?

James Daniel Walsh:
By all means.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Thanks. (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Julia Alexa Miller as James is slammed into his office) That’s your boss.

TLOTA:
Yep, and if he does something to piss you off and you do something to him, I’m off the site and I’m as good as dead!

Julia Alexa Miller:
So if he does something wrong to you, I have to accept that you are going to take it? What if he does something wrong to you and I have anger towards him, what do I do? (The door opens behind the two to see Chad Narducci.)

Chad Narducci (Slightly out of focus and in the background.):
Hey James, Who’s the guy on the couch? (The Two turn to see a very confused Chad. Cut James and Julia Alexa Miller as the two look at the camera.)

TLOTA:
Oh, Chad, you shouldn’t have opened up the door, but at least by the end, you’ll be in a nice and chocolatey place. (Cut to Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
Why? (Dramatic music as the camera zooms to Chad’s face. Cut to James Daniel Walsh and The Last Of The Americans on the couch.)

James Daniel Walsh:
So everything ready James?

TLOTA:
Let’s start to figure out which is the best one starting with the plot! (Cut to the Covers of “Superman” the original version, the extended cut & The 3 hour TV version appear as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark, and the words “The Plot” in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits as it cuts to clips of all three as James Daniel Walsh and The Last of The Americans do voiceovers.)

James Daniel Walsh (V.O.):
The last survivor of the doomed planet Krypton baby Kal-El finds his way to the planet Earth. Raised by loving human parents Jonathan and Martha Kent in Smallville, he finds his way to the North Pole to create a Fortress of Solitude. After spending time learning from his Kryptonian father Jor-El, he becomes Earth’s greatest superhero, Superman! And by absolute coincidence, Lex Luthor has a plan to wipe California off the map for real estate. Now the question is, which version uses this plot better. I have to go along with Richard Donner as far as his director’s cut being the best version of the movie. It restores some crucial scenes that weren’t in the theatrical version, such as Jor-El scolding his son and telling him to be mindful of pride. This helps expand on the ending, giving more weight to the scene where Superman prepares to turn back time. The TV cut has its merits, but I think it’s a bit overstuffed. Unlike the TV version of The Godfather, which feels epic, the TV version of Superman just feels bloated, and the scenes deleted from the other two cuts probably belonged on the cutting room floor.

TLOTA (V.O.):
I have to agree, the reason I liked the 3 Hour Cut was simple, it was more of the movie that I loved but this was one case of there being too much being too much. While nothing against the theatrical cut, The Special Edition released in 2000 is the one every Superman fan, myself included finds it to be the go to cut to convert those who want to know about Superman (Cut to James Daniel Walsh and The Last Of The Americans)

James Daniel Walsh:
So the one that used the plot best is the 2000 Special Edition or The “Donner 2000” Cut

TLOTA:
That’s right, and because the “Donner 2000” cut is the best version it gets the first point

James Daniel Walsh:
That’s right. (Cut to the Covers of “Superman” the original version, the extended cut & The 3 hour TV version appear as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark, and a Kryptonian crystal over the extended cut. Cut to James and The Last Of The Americans on the horseshoe couch.)

James Daniel Walsh:
Now we come to editing. Which is a category because?

TLOTA:
Movies have a lot of footage and when you make a movie, you need to cut out scenes, and when you do the wrong scene or right scene can alter the movie’s outcome.

James Daniel Walsh:
You’re good!

(Cut to the Covers of “Superman” the original version, the extended cut & The 3 hour TV version appear as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark, and the words “Editing” in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits as it cuts to clips of all three as James Daniel Walsh and The Last of The Americans do voiceovers.)

James Daniel Walsh (V.O.) :
While there’s nothing wrong with the editing of the theatrical cut, the Donner cut fleshes out the story without ever feeling redundant. It gives more weight to an already epic story, much as the expanded editions of the Lord of the Rings movies did. As I said before, the TV cut is just bloated. It may have worked better spaced out over a couple of nights with commercial breaks added in, but as one long movie it gives us too much of a good thing.

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yeah, I have to agree, I mean I didn’t need to see the Kryptonian Guard’s face zooming through the screen or the whole piano scene in which Miss Tessmacher is lowered into a pit of an animal. A moment Bryan Singer copied for “Superman Returns” with a different moment involved. I just wished they left the other scenes of Krypton’s destruction. But maybe that would’ve been a little too much back in 2000. (Cut to James Daniel Walsh and The Last Of The Americans on the Horseshoe Couch)

TLOTA:
Which mean that the “Donner 2000” cut is the better-edited version?

James Daniel Walsh:
Yes and if you don’t mind if I explain?

TLOTA:
Go right ahead! (Cut to cuts to clips of all three as James Daniel Walsh does a voiceover.)

James Daniel Walsh (V.O.):
While there is nothing wrong with the theatrical cut, and the extended cut works as its own thing, the Donner cut hits that sweet spot. The story moves along at just the right pace, the characters are fully developed, their motivations are clear, and we get to know them without any unnecessary fluff getting in the way. This was the version that should have been released in theaters. Richard Donner never made a bad movie in my opinion. The man was an underrated genius (Cut to James Daniel Walsh and The Last Of The Americans on the Horseshoe couch.)

TLOTA:
No questions about it! The point goes to the “Donner 2000” (Cut to the Covers of “Superman” the original version, the extended cut & The 3 hour TV version appear as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark, and two Kryptonian crystals over the extended cut. Cut to James and The Last Of The Americans on the horseshoe couch.)

James Daniel Walsh:
So the “Donner 2000”cut is ahead right now, and I am exhausted. How about a break?

TLOTA:
Sure thing boss, I’ll get us something.

James Daniel Walsh:
Why not let Alex do it or someone else on the team?

TLOTA:
Here’s the thing, I would only ask Alex if I had a death wish! So, I’ll grab whatever you want, you take it easy.

(The Scene fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to James Daniel Walsh & The Last Of The Americans on the Horseshoe Couch.)

TLOTA:
So are you ready to get back at it?

James Daniel Walsh:
Yes James I am, The next category is… what again?

TLOTA:
It’s the cast and the characters.

(Cut to the Covers of “Superman” the original version, the extended cut & The 3 hour TV version appear as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark, and the words “Cast and Characters” in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits as it cuts to clips of all three as James Daniel Walsh and The Last of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I have to say between all three cuts the cast is amazing. And I applaud Director Richard Donner insisted on an unknown actor. Could anyone imagine someone like Burt Reynolds, Warren Beatty, Ryan O’Neal,  Sylvester Stallone,  Harrison Ford, Richard Dreyfus, or even Robert Redford or even Dustin Hoffman in the role of Superman? (Cut to a casting room where said actors except Richard Dreyfus & Dustin Hoffman were in the room as they’re played by James Faraci, James Daniel Walsh, John Ross Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Mike Santos, Nick Yaun & Paulo Fonseca)

Warren Beatty (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Okay, I am solid the producers will hire me, not only can I star in this here movie, I can direct it as well.

(Burt Reynolds played by Paulo Fonseca Chuckles)

Burt Reynolds (Played by Paulo Fonseca):
Son, just go on home to mama! I’ve got this one in the bag!

Ryan O’Neal (Played by Ed Champion):
Listen, I need this role, I’ve prostituted myself to every Warners Exec to get this role, I need a hit under my belt so that Farrah doesn’t make me her bitch!

Harrison Ford (Played by Nick Yaun):
Well, I’m the guy who is in the most popular movie right now!

Sylvester Stallone(Played by James Faraci):
Hey Yo! (Sylvester Stallone mumbling is translated as “I’m the guy who wrote Rocky! I can re-write the movie and I can direct it, I’m a multi-talented man, I’m a shoo-in!)

Robert Redford (Played by James Daniel Walsh):
Despite your mumbling there, mush mouth, I’m getting the role partly because my family wants to see me in a “Commercial” role and I can film in Colorado those “Fortress Of Solitude” and the scenes up north. (The door opens to show a defeated Dustin Hoffman & Richard Dreyfus walking in and sitting down)

Dustin Hoffman (Played by John Ross Santos):
We just talked to the producers and Richard Donner

Richard Dreyfus (Played by Mike Santos):
They decided on this no-named actor by the name of Christopher Reeve. (Everyone else shout “What?”. Ryan gets angry and slugs Sylvester and a brawl ensues. Cut to “Superman: The Movie” as James Daniel Walsh and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

James Daniel Walsh (V.O.):
And we can’t forget the performances of the late Marlon Brando, Gene Hackman, Terrance Stamp, Sarah Douglas, Jack O’Halloran, the late Ned Beatty, the late Margot Kidder, Marc McClure, the late Jackie Cooper, the late Glenn Ford, Valerie Perrine, Susannah York, and many others, it is not understating the obvious that the cast is amazingly talented! But which cut of this movie used this cast to its full potential This is where the TV version actually shines. While the story itself is over stuffed, the performances remain solid all the way through. There’s nothing wrong with the performances in the other two cuts, the TV version just gives us more of these amazing actors being amazing.TLOTA (V.O.):
[Save for after reading James Daniel Walsh’s opinion] (Cut to James Daniel Walsh and The Last Of The Americans on the Horseshoe Couch)

TLOTA:
So the 3 Hour TV version gets the point?

James Daniel Walsh:
Wouldn’t you think that the 3 Hour Cut giving you more Superman be a good thing? (James open his mouth but nods in agreement)And even though the  “Donner 2000” cut is still in the lead this point goes to the 3 Hour TV Cut.

TLOTA:
Okay, I agree with that (Cut to the Covers of “Superman” the original version, the extended cut & The 3 hour TV version appear as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark, and a Kryptonian Crystal over the 3 Hour Cut and two Kryptonian Crystals over the extended cut. Cut to James and The Last Of The Americans on the horseshoe couch.)

TLOTA:
And now we come to the final category, the deciding factor of which one is the best cut of “Superman: The Movie”….

James Daniel Walsh:
The Re-Watch Factor. Now please enlighten me, what is “The Re-Watch Factor”

TLOTA:
Okay, let’s say you saw a movie when you were a kid and it was your favorite but somehow it got lost in the shuffle of time, and your tastes changes, but by some miracle, you find that one movie you liked as a kid and you say to yourself “Hmm, it’s been a lifetime since I’ve seen this one, is it still as good as I remember?” And to everyone’s surprise, not only do enjoy it, you say to yourself “Holy Smokes, this movie is as awesome as I remembered when I saw it as a kid!”

James Daniel Walsh:
Wow, that sounds like a dream come true. I would love to re-live the experience of seeing my childhood favorites, like Ghostbusters or Back to the Future, for the first time.

(Cut to the Covers of “Superman” the original version, the extended cut & The 3 hour TV version appear as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark, and the words “The Re-watch factor” in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits as it cuts to clips of all three as James Daniel Walsh and The Last of The Americans do voiceovers.)

James Daniel Walsh (V.O.) :
Ever since the Donner cut was released on DVD, my copy of the theatrical cut has gathered dust. Much as with the theatrical cuts of Lord of the Rings, when you’re experiencing them for the first time you can’t imagine them being better. Then you see the director’s full vision and you just can’t unsee it. The TV version is more of an oddity, something you watch once or twice in your life. The Donner cut never gets old.

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yeah kind of agree with you again on this. The Three-hour cut’s novelty does seem to wear out its welcome quickly. While again the theatrical cut is awesome and the 3 Hour cut has its place in Superman Movie lore the “Donner 2000” cut somehow finds that sweet spot to find every scene make sense. (Cut to James Daniel Walsh and The Last Of The Americans on the Horseshoe Couch)

James Daniel Walsh:
And that makes The “Donner 2000” is the best cut.

TLOTA:
Cool with me, even though I liked all three cuts, I will agree that the “Donner 2000”  is the best cut.

(Cut to the Covers of “Superman” the original version, the extended cut & The 3 hour TV version appear as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark, and a Kryptonian Crystal over the 3 Hour Cut and three Kryptonian Crystals over the extended cut. Cut to a clip in which the lesser cuts are put into the Phantom Zone and flung into the depths of space. Cut to James and The Last Of The Americans on the horseshoe couch.)

TLOTA:
Oh before I forget, there is one cut that needs to be mentioned. It’s a fan cut and it needs to be recognized. (Cut to the few videos from Kathryn A. Ross of “Superman: The Movie” The Final Cut as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In 2019, Youtuber Kathryn A. Ross decided to take the best of all three cuts, improve the effects, cherry-pick the perfect deleted scenes, added them in then created what she called “Superman: The Movie: The Final Cut” and from what few scenes she posted on YouTube, this does feel like how The Salkinds and Richard Donner had in mind for the movie and she’s also doing “Superman II: The Final Cut” and I cannot wait to see the results. I hope that Warner Bros, Ilya Salkind, and Richard Donner get in contact with Kathryn to work out a deal for the movie to be released on 4K, Blu-Ray and Digital because from what I’ve seen, this may be worth a review.  (Cut to James Daniel Walsh & The Last Of The Americans as the two head for the front door)

TLOTA:
Thanks for coming and helping me with this one, Boss.

James Daniel Walsh:
Anytime, oh by the by send my best wishes to the rest of the team!

TLOTA:
You got it, boss. My love to you and the rest of the family!

Julia Alexa Miller (Audio only):
Wait! (Julia Alexa Miller runs in with a package)

Julia Alexa Miller:
A little something from me and James.

James Daniel Walsh:
What have we here? An invite for a party originally meant for April of last year and is now rescheduled for August. And what is this? (The Last Of The Americans grabs the DVD and James Daniel Walsh tries to grab it back and sees it’s a copy of “Fish Tales” starring Billy Zane.)

TLOTA:
Uh, I am sorry, this was meant for anyone else…

James Daniel Walsh:
I’ll be the boss to see if I will talk about it on “James Talks About DVDs”. Okay, you’re still in good graces on the site, no matter what.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh Really?! James, thanks for coming by. James Faraci, we need to talk. (Julia Alexa Miller grabs James by the Star and drags James Faraci The Last Of The Americans into his office. Cut to James looking on at the front door as the footage shakes and The Last Of The Americans scream in pain and James Daniel Walsh reacts to the shaking by running out the door as a powerful scream shakes the footage for five seconds. Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as he walks out of his office annihilated!)

TLOTA (High-Pitched):
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (James collapses on the floor. Cut to James Daniel Walsh as he looks in through the door and whistles the Superman theme. Fade to black)

Monday, June 21, 2021

Headin' for a "Hawaiian Wedding"

    (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Last year, was one of the worst for all of humanity, myself included. However, everyone including Allison Pregler was a little steamed that I talked about Baywatch! (Cut to clips of Baywatch as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And a lot of people have given me Tsouris for it! I freely admit I was bored when I did the "In Defense Of Baywatch" and after watching it on Pluto TV and now on "Heroes & Icons" (A nationwide syndicated rerun station on Cable TV) I can say again that yes, this is not high art drama. It does go into fluff territory however, seeing stories of the men and women who actively go out and try to rescue people from dying in the middle of the water does have to have a certain amount of weight to it. But after two spin-offs that lasted two years and a several seasonal run in syndication, Baywatch could not be rescued from the fate of all tv shows that outlasts it's shelf life, it was cancelled at the end of the second and final season of "Baywatch Hawaii" in which the cast rode off into the sunset of the Hawaiian sky on their "Baywatch" boat! Within hours of posting the "In Defense Of Baywatch" someone had mentioned a reunion movie made a few years after the series was cancelled and was made into a movie of the week for "FOX"! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
I immediately regretted defending the series! (Cut to the opening credit for the "Baywatch" reunion movie dubbed "Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding". Cut to clips of the "Baywatch" reunion movie as the sounds of crying in pain and whispers of "Must Be Strong!" are repeated during the minute of clips. Cut to James as he sighs in defeat.) This is "Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding" (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens on David Hasselhoff as he has visions of his salad days on "Baywatch". Actually it's Mitch Buchanon as he and a woman named Allison who looks SO much like Stephanie Holden the producers of this movie somehow convinced Alexandra Paul to come on board to play Allison, but I digress, the two have been living with each other for some time and it appears that the bomb that was meant to kill Mitch did not do the job as he suffered from amnesia for a brief time only to remember who he is, retire from lifeguarding and decides to ask Allison to marry him. We then cut to our opening credits that show who they got which includes Pamela Anderson reprising her role as C.J. and we also got Carmen Electra, Jason Momoa, and other cast members they could get for pennies on the dollar including Jeremy Jackson to reprise the role of Hobie Buchanon. We then find ourselves back at the Malibu Baywatch base back in California as Taylor Walsh played by Angelica Bridges now runs the center as J.D. played by Michael Bergin, Leigh played by Brande Roderick, and Hobie work under her and before I forget, Hobie is now in a relationship with Summer Quinn once again played by Nicole Eggert. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Now keep in mind Nicole Eggert's age at that point was 20 and Jeremy Jackson was 12 at the time he was on at the same time as Nicole Eggert was. If you threw up in your mouth a little like I did, Mazel Tov you still have some human decency in you. So would the fact the characters of Hobie who was ten and the character of Summer Quinn was probably closer to Nicole's actual age at the time. Think about that. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Mitch does seem to come back to the station to introduce Allison to everyone and to their shock how much she looks like Stephanie Holden and gives the members of Baywatch and us the rundown as to what happened. Taylor convinces Mitch to return to Baywatch as an active member and as he sets up his tower, Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Neely returns and is played by her original actress Gina Lee Nolan! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Backstory time.  (Cut to clips of "Baywatch" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In 1997 actress Gina Lee Nolan was pregnant with her first child a son named Spencer, the pregnancy was hidden well throughout the 1997 season, when the character had returned Neely was shown to have left Baywatch due to a drug dependency. Mitch and Donna had an intervention in which it's revealed that Neely had a little baby girl and she needed help taking care of the girl which somehow makes Mitch realize how much he loves Neely and her daughter, so much so at the end of that season, Mitch proposed to Neely and the sea captain married the two. However, Gina Lee Nolan decided to be with her real child and left the series. This further compounded the problems the productions were having as they tested the couple in a test audience and the response was negative. So what to do?  Recast with someone who barely looks like Gina Lee Nolan, show Neely as a liar and a sneak and a thief, as for their marriage? Never happened apparently the sea captain was not licensed to do the ceremony making everything Null and Void between the couple. Thus giving them a tension that would permeate the rest of the character's run in the series and this reunion movie. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
And throughout the entire time, we have to see Gina try to incorporate elements into her character that as far as I remember was not a part of her portrayal of her character, but instead, character traits that were incorporated into Neely after Gina Lee Nolan had left the series and the writers had put in. If they were in the character during Nolan's run of the series. (James sighs and holds his head before picking it up) You know, as I watched this movie, I thought to myself is this the hopelessness Joel and The Bots felt whilst watching "Castle Of Fu Manchu", the belief that we all pay a past life's dues for every crime we suffer the same way Siskel & Ebert felt whilst watching "Frozen Assets", the same feeling of loss of life Siskel & Ebert felt as they watched "She's Out Of Control". Maybe it's the past few years just catching up with me of all the losses I've suffered just hitting me all at once, maybe it's...it's...OH, WHAT'S THE USE? WHY AM I WATCHING THIS? WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF! (James breaks down into tears. Cut to a black screen with the words "Several hours of crying and contemplation later. Cut to James as he finishes off a bottle of Pineapple soda) I'm better, for now, let's get back at it! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We soon find C.J. having opened up a bar and grill in Hawaii where some of the cast members who were in "Baywatch Hawaii" still were doing Lifeguarding. Finding herself bored out of her marbles, C.J. decides to hold a reunion at her bar and grill in Hawaii. C.J. & Mitch talk about his engagement to Allison and says that they're getting married in Hawaii, El Coincidence?! We'll soon find out. Meanwhile, Caroline Holden played by Yasmine Bleeth has become an actress but signs on for the reunion as does John D. Cort played by Gina Lee Nolan's "Sheena" actor John Allen Nelson who also starred in "Baywatch" a lifetime and a half before Nolan arrived on Baywatch! If you're still sane we'll progress with everyone else including Eddie Kramer played by Billy Warlock, Lani played by Carmen Electra who ironically is in Hawaii as a Hula Dancer and friends with C.J.  however in the series Carmen Electra was hired as a replacement for Pamela Anderson because the producers needed someone with Pamela Anderson's visibility but also someone who they thought could make the series last a few years more, the character of Lani was written out after one season and the characters never met until this movie! In addition, Jason played by Jason Momoa and Kekoa played by Stacy Kamano from "Baywatch Hawaii" are on board for the reunion. Everyone arrives in Hawaii for the reunion and the wedding including Mason Sato who takes photos of everyone, Sato is played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa and is Mitch's archnemesis, When did this happen? How did the two become enemies? Check out Allison Pregler's "Baywatching" or "Baywatching Nights" for this revelation because I have no idea nor do I care how this happened. Meanwhile, Neely, still suspicious of Allison, teams up with Caroline to confront Allison which is hard for Caroline because Allison looks like her deceased sister! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Well, wouldn't you be conflicted if a friend's fiancee looks like your dead sibling? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Finally, Neely and Allison come to blows as the two fight, 2003 WWE Women's division style, in a pool of water. However, Allison's prints wind up on Neely's necklace. She asks Jason if he knows of anyone on the police force. Jason tells Neely of her brother who runs the prints. Meanwhile, it's off to Haiku Island for everyone. Sato and his henchmen arrive to capture Lani, Cort, Eddie, Caroline, Hobie & Summer as an act of vengeance on Mitch. Again "Baywatching" or "Baywatching Nights" check out why there. While waiting Neely's suspicions turn out to be true as Jason and Kekoa discover that Allison is actually a criminal who was convicted of forgery named Judy Radkin who had extreme reconstructive surgery to look like Stephanie Holden and is in league with Sato!  (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
And our survey says... (A Ding is heard with the words "No Surprise") It's "Baywatch" this type of stuff happens on a Tuesday for Mitch Buchanon and crew! How does Mitch handle this news? (Show clip of Mitch losing it in Neely's face when Allison tells Mitch who she is. Cut to James physically as he holds his head with his face in his hands before looking up) Mitch...David... You have stupid just branded all over you! I mean, yeah, I understand where you're coming from but if an ex-girlfriend were to try and convince me that my fiancee was hooked up with an archnemesis of mine, I'd have a hard time to buy it, but I'd listen without question and if it were true, I'd have to drop her like a bad habit.(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Sato's henchmen have Lani, Cort, Eddie, Caroline, Hobie & Summer drowned however Sato gives Mitch one chance to rescue them all. Neely and Mitch rescue Summer and Hobie, Leigh rescues Lani and Cort, and JD rescues Eddie and Caroline. After doing CPR to resuscitate Hobie. Mitch and Sato fight one last time with Sato... (Show clip of Sato being turned into chum by the boat propellers as Neely punches "Allison" and takes her gun. Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Did I forget that the Hoff was a producer on the series and the movie? So he must have had some creative clout to see that Mitch Buchanon get a win after the production company tried to kill him off in Baywatch Hawaii's first season. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The Coast Guard arrests Sato's Henchmen, Allison and Mitch call it quits as Allison is arrested as well, Neely and Mitch try to make their relationship work, JD and Kekoa try to be in love again as do Jason and Leigh. And this movie ends with C.J. getting married to a guy named Lorenzo who barely had any screen time. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
So that was the Baywatch reunion movie "Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding"  Somewhere between Bad and Disappointing is where this movie lies! (Cut to clips of the "Baywatch" reunion movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Don't get me wrong, it has all the cheesiness the show has been known for but man that cheesiness loses its flavor and texture quickly. The acting is what you'd expect for a movie like this but in this instance, the plot should've ended things for the entire franchise with the proper amount of closure. While some storylines that had been dangling from the series were concluded a lot of the story is just recycled from every single episode, even episodes of "Baywatch Nights" got thrown into the mix. If you're really into the series then you might enjoy all the nods, the references, and the characters that came back but if you were there for the heyday and left after Pamela Anderson or maybe just saw one episode and thought the show was too dumb to even by your standards then you might not like it. If you for some reason decided to sit and stay throughout the series, you may enjoy it. I did find it available on DVD on Amazon or through a third party on eBay. But personally, I think David Hasselhoff was right to say that after the 1999 season that it was a good idea to have the series end then and there. Because the only competition for something this intolerable was the movie that was made a few years ago. (Cut to James physically outside his studio near a trash dumpster with another copy of "Baywatch" starring Dwayne Johnson with a grenade and ten sticks of dynamite surrounding the DVD.)

TLOTA:
And everyone should know how I feel about it. (James lights the fuses to the Dynamite sticks, pulls out the pin on the grenade, and tosses the DVD into the dumpster. James runs away quickly as he says "I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's My Opinion." as the dumpster goes sky high, the scene fades to black.)

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

"Wonder"-ing how many years I've been doing this eight years or "84"

(Scene starts with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and it’s my EIGHTH ANNIVERSARY! (Cut to a moment of Fireworks and Ode To Joy playing as eight hands unite. Cut to James in his office as booming thuds are heard and James is shaken out of frame. Cut to Chad as he continues to try and break through the door as Black Flames engulf his eyes)

Chad Narducci (Demonic Sounding):
AND IT WILL BE YOUR LAST WHEN I LAY MY HANDS UPON YOU. (Cut to James as he composes himself.)

TLOTA:
And as you can tell, it’s been a bit chaotic, I’m on lockdown, AGAIN! This time in the studio and from what I gathered, everything points to an old nemesis, that nearly got the win had it not been for my friends at the time, now the friends I have and need are indisposed! But in the meanwhile, let’s see what DC has in store for me. (Cut to the opening credit of “Wonder Woman 1984”. Cut to James as he drops his head on the table with a very loud thud. Cut to clips of “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
Oh good lord in heaven! Why?! Why?! How?! The first movie remains a masterpiece as to how DC could hold its own against Marvel even as DC’s failures of their shared universe pile up, like a diamond in a pile of turds. However, this movie further throws out any goodwill or hope that DC can make a good movie out the door. But can I find something, ANYTHING to enjoy in this movie? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, between facing Chad or this movie, let’s get to it, this is “Wonder Woman 1984”! (Cut to the movie “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
The movie opens up in Themyscira as we see the young Diana getting ready to participate in some Amazonian, Olympian, Parkour, Tri-Wizard games, it looks like one mistake on young Diana’s part by missing a signal, and Antiope played again by Robin Wright stops Young Diana from taking the prize because of it. We then cut to the titular year of 1984 where the movie takes place as we soon see Wonder Woman is saving people & fighting crime in Washington DC  which includes fighting off a group of criminals in a mall in a fun yet awesome fight scene! (Show the battle between Wonder Woman and the Criminals. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I hope you enjoyed that moment because that will be the last time we’ll see Diana as Wonder Woman for a friggin’ hour! Why am I getting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 Déjà vu vibes and I’m not talking about the good one with Vanilla Ice and Ernie Reyes Jr. I’m talking about the one produced by (James holds back vomit.) The one produced by Mi (James holds back vomit again as he reaches for his Barf Bucket.) Mich…a…el… (James vomits as he says “Bay”! Cut to the movie “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
We soon see Diana in her apartment in Washington DC as we notice photos of her friends from the first World War and of course a photo of Steve Trevor so much so, she declines sharing a Taxi with a dude! We soon meet up with Barbara Ann Minerva played by Kristen Wiig and the 1980’s geekiness levels are off the scale! As Barbara loses some papers, Diana decides to help her out of her predicament and befriend her. Oh, and look, the shoes Diana is wearing happen to be Cheetah print! Oh, The foreshadowing! Anyhow, their mutual boss has asked the two of them to work on a project together with the FBI according to the boss,  Yesterday’s heist which was thwarted by Wonder Woman discovered that a Jewelry store was a front for a black market artifact shop! The two come together to help in the artifacts one of them being is something called the dreamstone. As the two quickly become friends over how much they enjoy each other. That night after the dinner Barbara almost holds her own against a mugger when Diana saves her again. Barbara holds the dreamstone and wishes to be like Diana. The next morning Barbara decides to make some minor changes and people start to notice her. Even Maxwell Lord played by Pedro Pascal is looking into her. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Oh yeah, nearly forgot the other big baddy for the movie Pedro Pascal’s Maxwell Lord. Now imagine if you will for the character of Maxwell Lord in this movie a combination of an infomercial salesman, a telemarketer combined with capitalist, and just to add enough unlikability of a televangelist and they tossed in enough 1980’s and that is Maxwell Lord played by Pedro Pascal! That is how Pedro performs this interpretation of Maxwell Lord! (Cut to the movie “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
Diana meets Maxwell Lord as Barbara tells them that he plans on donating to their project and their division. We soon see to no surprise, Maxwell Lord like most of his 1980’s counterparts is a Ponzi Schemer!  Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul and soon enough will be making us all pay the piper! Even his son Alistair will be suffering from his father, especially when he wishes on the dreamstone, to become it! However, Simon Stagg who is a backer is telling Maxwell he’s out and has 48 hours to pay him back or the FTC makes Maxwell suffer. As that is going on Barbara notices her changes are starting to come to her as it is time for a celebration whereof all people someone claiming to be Steve approaches Diana and when the guy hands her a watch the same way Steve did we soon see Steve once again played by Chris Pine physically be seen by Diana but to the rest of the world looks like another guy played by Kristopher Polaha. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I wonder what happened to him after this event. (Cut to Rowdy as he is dressed like Don Bellisario and a voice played by James Faraci is the guy Kristopher Polaha is.)

The guy (voiced by James Faraci):
It was almost like I was somewhere else and this guy was me! Isn’t that weird?

Don Bellisario (Played by Chris Lee Moore):
You know something, sir, between what you just told me about your experiences in engineering in the Armed Forces, The fact you’re a really strong writer, and very imaginative, I need a man like you on my new show “Quantum Leap” congratulations, my good man, you have just been hired!

 (The Scene fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Steve tells Diana everything he remembers up to that point and it is up to Diana to bring Steve up to date and of course have a style montage. While that’s happening Maxwell Lord soon takes Simon Stagg out of the picture and Barbara has started to show some newfound strength. (Show Barbara taking the refrigerator’s door right off its hinges and being able to lift as much as a bodybuilder! Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
For a female wrestler in GLOW! (Cut to the movie “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
In the meanwhile, Diana continues to help Steve acclimate to the modern world even telling Steve that well (Cut to the clip of Lloyd Christmas as he shouts “WE’VE LANDED ON THE MOON!” Cut to “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Maxwell Lord’s business continues to build, Barbara suddenly finds herself more popular and meets Steve and Diana tries to show Steve the stone. Barbara tells Diana that Maxwell Lord took the stone. Steve and Diana try to get in but Diana while trying to break the lock discovers she has lost some of her Amazonian strength. The two get in as Diana discovers that Maxwell Lord has merged with the stone. Diana asks Barbara where the stone originally came from. Diana is now worried about what Maxwell Lord is becoming so the two happen to borrow a Jet which becomes Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I hope you enjoy looking at it as much as you could because that is how much screen time The Invisible Jet gets in this movie. Again Déjà vu Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 produced by… You know who vibes. (Cut to the movie “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
Lord, in the meanwhile, seises the land, oil rights, and the armed forces of a Sheikh as he wishes for his ancestorial lands to be restored to the way the land used to be. Diana and Steve continue to chase him as Diana becomes Wonder Woman once again! However, in the battle, a bullet stops Wonder Woman meaning that the wish she made has caused her to lose her god-like strength and become more mortal! In the meanwhile, the WHOLE FRIGGIN WORLD IS EDGING ITSELF TO THE POINT WHERE “The Day After” would become real! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And given what’s been happening, I think… You know, I was going to hurl an insult at how stupid the people are to think that “The Day After” ends with sunshine and rainbows and unicorns but I think even stupid people know that “The Day After” is not a happy feel-good movie, at least I hope they do. (Cut to the movie “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
Diana, Steve, and Barbara soon discover that the dreamstone is the creation of the Greek god of Mischief, Dolos. Forcing those who do wish to pay a price for the said wish. The legends according to this guru say that the only way to stop the dreamstone was the reason the Mayan culture was wiped out of existence. That and a man called Cortez! Unless the stone is destroyed or the wishes renounced this world is toast! Diana is considering renouncing her wish, however, Barbara isn’t interested in that! During all of that Maxwell Lord visits the President, this is gonna end well. (Show clip of Maxwell Lord as he gains the Powers of the President and the knowledge of a satellite system that airs all over the world. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Should I do it or should I… Okay, Do It! (Cut to the clip of “Mind Of Mencia” as Punji says “Oh, Of Course!”. Cut to the movie “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
Diana uses the Lasso of Truth to show Steve the history of the armor of Asteria and the two quickly but too late to stop Max, and not helping is the fact Barbara has joined up with Max. With no other option, Steve tells Diana to let him go. Diana renounces her wish and quickly regaining her powers and gaining the ability to make her way back home and learning to fly, she even rides the lightning to help her get to Maxwell Lord and… WHAT IN THE HELL?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED TO BARBARA?!  (Cut to a still of “Cheetah” from this movie, a cat from the 2019 BOMB “CATS”, and Jaylah from “Star Trek Beyond” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Is this supposed to be Barbara in her Cheetah form?! It looks like a mix facially like Jaylah from “Star Trek Beyond” mixed with the CGI abominations from that god-awful “CATS” movie! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
This should’ve been a practical effect with costumes and facial appliances. Would it have been more expensive? Yeah, but at least it would’ve been more convincing than that thing! (Cut to the movie “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
Wonder Woman now donning the armor of Asteria, and honestly, it looks cool and it is a reference to the Kingdom Come comic version of the character, however, I digress, Wonder Woman fights Cheetah, and to be honest, it’s not that bad but it could’ve been better. Wonder Woman drops Cheetah into the water and is electrocuted. Wonder Woman gets her out before Cheetah is killed and goes to confront Maxwell Lord and the world with the truth and then… (Show Max’s backstory and the world going straight to hell as Alistair might be caught in the crossfire as Max and the world renounces their wishes.) So yeah, the power of truth and the love of a father for his son (NOT IN THAT WAY! OUT OF THE GUTTERS!) saves the world. Diana decides to see the world and the joy of knowing things will work out for the better and the movie gets a post-credit scene in which I kid you not! Lynda Carter makes a cameo as an incognito Asteria living amongst us in secret! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was Wonder Woman 1984! Was it as good as the first movie? No. Was it totally god awful? No. Does it have its redeeming points? Yeah. Did a lot of it need to be the way it did? No. Do I recommend it? UH…. (Cut to clips of “Wonder Woman 1984” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
I will say the following. There were great moments but those were far and few between. There were moments that you could tell that everyone was having some modicum of enjoyment, Gal Godot was as usual perfect as Diana Prince. There were a lot of great performances especially from Pedro Pascal, Chris Pine, even Kristen Wiig does a fairly good performance. However a lot of this movie I can write off as a hot mess! The references while nice touches were underutilized, the flashback to Diana in those Amazonian Olympic events was awesome but they were a minor event in this movie. I truly hoped this would be as good as the first one but whether there was studio interference or just the Snyders and director Patty Jenkins going hog wild off the success of the first movie, this is something that I want to recommend but you need to be in the right frame and if from what I’ve heard is true that Warner Brothers has lost faith in both the potential of DC Live-Action Movies and Snyder’s vision of where it could go, something tells me that this upcoming Flash movie will be the final nail in the coffin and if that’s the case, maybe it is time to let DC’s Live-Action Movies rest a bit before another revival. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
I, on the other hand, I’m not so lucky. It’s time for me to face my fate, and if this is the end, so be it. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans…you know the rest. (James stands up when he gets something on his phone then walks out to the door.) Okay, Give me one minute, meet me in the lobby, and then you and I will go at it ONE LAST TIME! (Cut to Chad Narducci as he floats.)

Chad Narducci (Sounding Demonic):
I’m not completely without mercy towards my enemies. (Chad makes it to the lobby as the scene cuts to James as he gets ready to face Chad. Cut to Chad as he faces James.)

Chad Narducci (Sounding Demonic):
So you are ready to allow me to kill you. (James pushes Chad away using the gem from the gauntlet.) So you still have some of your powers from the gem! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Well, yeah and I could say that it was my big attack but trust me, I know if I do attack I could kill Chad and Alex would never forgive me if he dies. But then again Chad you were as weak as I thought you were. I get the fact you hate me, but to allow The Wicked to use you the way that thing is… Dr. Denny was right You are just a little chicken! Cheep-Cheep-Cheep!  (Cut to Chad as he growls and snarls as his head comes out.)

Chad Narducci:
What did you say? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Yeah, I admit I’m an asshole, oftentimes people would rather not hear from me or help me but the truth is, I’m honest about me.  I know you Chad, let’s face the facts, you and so many have lied to me about helping, but when push came to shove more people lied about helping, about caring, about doing what was right! But every day I am truly thankful for the friends who have stuck it out with me. You’d commend those who left because let’s face it you have no spine! You have more enjoyment from my failures. Yeah, I got plenty of them. I don’t need everyone to rub them in my face. Let’s face it Chad, I may be pathetic but you are a weak-willed, spineless coward who allowed someone to turn you into what he wanted. I may be the biggest asshole on the planet, but I’m honest with who I am and what I am! I am James Benjamin Faraci! I’m from Liberty in the Sullivan County/Hudson Valley/Catskills region of New York, I am the owner of a Time-Space Device, I am a Whovian, A Power Ranger, A relic of the 1980-the 2000s, An Internet reviewer, I AM JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS!  WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE CHAD NARDUCCI?! (Chad Growls, snarls, screams, and roars as he finally breaks through standing face to face with James as he tries to smack him around as James takes it until Chad tires out and hugs James.)

Chad Narducci:
Why? You took my best and you’re still standing. Why? How?

TLOTA:
It’s how I am! I can take it because of every single fall I’ve taken! I’ve stayed true to who I am because my family made me that way. Chad, look at me, this isn’t just something I put on and take off lightly. I wear it because I do. Chad, I want you to be a friend. I need you as a friend. Let me be the friend to help you. (Chad cries as he says “Yes!” The wind picks up as Chad and James turn towards the source)

Chad Narducci:
What in the hell is that?

TLOTA:
It is something I thought had been destroyed so many times before. The Wicked! (Cut to the cloud of dark energy)

The Wicked:
I am going to destroy you, I have destroyed so much of you, that the physical form will be easy to shatter! (A Voice shouts “I prefer to BUST!” A bolt of electricity as The Wicked dissipates only momentarily to see The Blockbuster Buster and Julia Alexa Miller as they take the position, James runs to a corner as a boom is heard at the door next to James’ office as Linkara and Team TLOTA get ready to fight as well.)

Linkara:
E-Rod!

Blockbuster Buster:
Linkara! (Cut to James in the corner)

TLOTA:
Okay on my signal! (James tosses Blu-Rays of “Ghostbusters” 1 & 2 to John, Mike, Paulo, and Nick! A Blu-Ray of “Ghostbusters: Answer The Call” is caught by two pairs of hands behind Brenda, Renee & Olivia. Cut to James as he looks in shock. Cut to Brenda, Renee & Olivia as the camera moves past them to see Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines at the door)

Eliza Dushku:
Heard you were having troubles

Traci Hines:
And it appears we arrived in time to help you out! (Cut to The Wicked entity)

The Wicked:
All Of You will meet your end right here, right now! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Naturally, You’d think that if I didn’t have a secondary plan, which I’ve been working on since our last encounter! NOW! (James places his right hand over a copy of “Kingsman: The Secret Service”, “Kingsman: The Golden Circle” & “Marvel Studios Doctor Strange”. Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she touches the screen as “WandaVision” plays on it with her right hand. Cut to Rebecca Yaun as she touches the Wonder Woman Blu-Ray with her right hand. Cut to Paulo, Nick, John, Mike, Andrew & Ed as they place their right hands on the Blu-Rays James gave them. Cut to Brenda, Olivia, Renee, Eliza Dushku & Traci Hines as they place their right on the “Ghostbusters: Answer The Call” Blu-Ray as blinding lights disturb The Wicked Entity. Cut to Rebecca Yaun as she becomes Wonder Woman, Cut to Paulo, Nick, John, Mike, Andrew & Ed as they become “Ghostbusters”. Cut to Brenda, Olivia, Renee, Eliza Dushku & Traci Hines as they become the 2016 Ghostbusters team. Cut to James as he is dressed in a Bespoke suit with Doctor Strange’s Cape and the Eye of Agamotto. Cut to The Blockbuster Buster as he summons Mjölnir and Stormbreaker and Linkara readies his Magic Gun. Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she becomes The Scarlet Witch as The Wicked attacks, Julia Alexa Miller hits The Wicked with a mix of Scarlet Magicks and her sonic scream, James hits The Wicked with a mix of Doctor Strange’s Magic and Bullets from The Kingsman, The 2016 Ghostbusters team hits The Entity as does The 1984 Ghostbusters,  Chad Narducci grabs a Ghost Trap as Linkara blasts The Wicked Entity with his Magic Gun as The Blockbuster Buster hits it with the combined strength of Mjölnir and Stormbreaker and Rebecca clashes her gauntlets together as the Ghost Trap’s activator slides to James he stomps on it as The Wicked roars and closes containing him in there once and for all as “Word Up” from “Kingsman: The Golden Circle” plays in the foreground. As the music ends, Chad Narducci stands up and sighs.)

Chad Narducci:
Put Alpha Gel on that! Dickhead! (Cut to everyone as they either chuckle incredulously or just smile with a look of “You can not be this serious. Cut to Chad) What? (The Blockbuster Buster walks up to him.)

The Blockbuster Buster:
Dude, We got the reference but no one would make it in this case.

Chad Narducci:
Really? What would you do?

The Blockbuster Buster:
Simple (The Blockbuster Buster pulls out his hammer and obliterates “Wonder Woman 1984” out of James’ hand as he yipes! Cut to The Blockbuster Buster.) BUSTED! (Cut to later as James is talking about the therapist on the same floor as Julia Alexa Miller’s office and Julia Alexa Miller talks to Eliza Dushku & Traci Hines. Cut to the kitchen after all the hoopla has died down and James is talking to James Daniel Walsh on his cell phone.)

TLOTA:
Everyone listen up, The boss is coming to the studio next month for a crossover “Different Cuts” on “Superman: The Movie” so we have to, let me repeat, HAVE TO be on our A-Game! Meaning total professionalism, any opinions, or other thoughts keep them to yourself if he wants to see us do a sketch we give him a sketch. He wants to play golf and have me as his caddy and I have to dress up like a dolphin, I’ll be his dolphin caddy. Alex, if he wants a copy of every last episode of “Life As A Mermaid” available on DVD, make sure he gets it. If he wants John and Mike to dance in the middle of outer space without spacesuits that means I will be seeing your lifeless bodies floating in the stars. So take the next couple of weeks to deal with our new therapist and prepare for anything. Eliza, Traci, You two are always welcomed to come back to the team… (Cut to Eliza & Traci)

Traci Hines:
We know and we appreciate it, congratulations James.

Eliza Dushku:
I agree, I’ve got a family to think of, Thank you though. You’re a lucky man James. (Everyone walks out the door as James heads to the Horseshoe couch as Deliberate Thought by Kevin Macleod then James is joined by Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci.)

Chad Narducci:
James, I…

TLOTA:
Don’t. I think we might not be friends right now but one day… One day. If you want to try, we can rebuild a friendship. For now, we’re going to have to… 

Julia Alexa Miller:
We have to get everything ready for your boss. What about our plans?

TLOTA:
When the time is right?

Chad Narducci:
Oh no, no, you mean that after all that, you two are…

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yep

Chad Narducci:
Still?

TLOTA:
Yep!

Chad Narducci:
I’m opening up the trap and I am… (James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller playfully fight as the scene fades to black.)

Monday, May 31, 2021

The Summer Of Summer Spectaculars schedule/ Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure update

(Opening starts off with a Black background)

James Faraci (Audio only):
So yeah, it has been a while since I went here, hasn't it? ( The words "Four years" appear as a ding dong noise is heard.) I know, I know, Let's just do it, already!

(Cut to shots of three teenage girls from "H2O: Just Add Water" as they dive into the water as the scene changes to the Moon Pool on Mako Island as the three teenage girls come up as mermaids before cutting to three teenage mermaids and Zac Blakely falling into the Moon Pool from "Mako Mermaids" before cutting to Zac Blakely of "Mako Mermaids" in his merman form before cutting to an image of an island and a pod of mermaids outside of Mako Island as it cuts to a scene of James in a lounge chair and the words "Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure" above James all the while The Opening themes to both "H2O: Just Add Water" & "Mako Mermaids" intercut together before cutting to clips of both "H2O: Just Add Water", "Mako Mermaids",  Season 1 of "The Bureau Of Magical Things", and the Season 2 trailer of "The Bureau Of Magical Things" intercut together as James does a voiceover) 

James Faraci (V.O.):
Okay, I know it has been a few years and I did make a promise to eventually do a follow-up. However that was when I thought there was going to be a movie, however, a couple of months ago, I had heard that there would be another season would happen. As such if it does happen and when it does come to pass. I will sit through and if it does what I hope it will. Then I can end this with Evie's Screwjob rectified and things ending on the right note. Also before I forget, there was a reunion of sorts. You can find the reunion by clicking here. Several of the cast members were involved.  In addition, I got a surprising bit of information on Instagram. The actress Gemma Forsyth who played Evie in "Mako Mermaids" was waiting on a scheduled appointment to take care of her hair and had an Impromptu Q & A with her fans and I asked if or when there'd be more with "Mako Mermaids" and if so would Evie's Screwjob be rectified. Her response was that she wasn't sure and had not heard anything about anything new with "Mako Mermaids". But as for what happened to Evie in the last season of "Mako Mermaids" apparently Jonathan M. Schiff approved what happened to Evie in that final season which means he's as guilty as the writers who hated both Evie and Gemma Forsyth. This means that if this new season does happen, The rectification of Evie's Screwjob MUST happen. 

Also before I forget, I have checked out the first season of "The Bureau Of Magical Things" and while it did vaguely reference Mako Island in one episode and there was a photo of a human with a mermaid. While the first season was good and had some amazing episodes and I recommend it, I have to say it is a distant cousin series. Meaning they might reference another Schiff series like "H2O: Just Add Water" or "Mako Mermaids" or some far-off series like "The Elephant Princess" (Which was also a Series produced by Schiff.) it is not directly connected. Apparently, there has been a second season that just finished production which had to be shut down due to COVID and when it picked up everyone from the series was on board. Also, there are more hints about a connection between the Schiff-verse of Mermaids and this series. For example, some time in the series is actually set in the same area in China Weilan was from. Also, the actress who played Nerissa, Tasneem Roc, is going to be guest-starring in a few episodes. As well as one of the main characters being accidentally and temporarily becoming a mermaid which may mean they may be working towards the rectification of Evie's Screwjob.

Now I know what some of you are asking yourselves "If you know what's going on, Why haven't you updated things sooner?". The reason is simple, I did it, three years ago as a two-part sequel I did in my fifth anniversary year of doing "The Last Of The Americans" I talked about it in a mini editorial on the project what I wanted to see in any future projects involving the Schiff-verse of Mermaids, which you can find here. I also did what I called a shared top ten. For every episode of one series a secondary series that was so connected to another series that both had to share the list. The first time was my "Buffy The Vampire Slayer"/"Angel" top 13. But for both "H2O" & "Mako", it was your average top ten except for the fact that I cast "Mako Mermaids" star Chai Romruen or otherwise known as Chai Hansen on some series on the CW which I never saw and the final season of the series "Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments" which is NOT even remotely connected to the god awful movie starring Lily Collins which when released died on impact. But I digress. The mini editorial and the Top Ten, which you can find here, was meant to cap my involvement in the Schiff-verse of Mermaids until there was news to report on or another series that would connect to the other two series.

And now to answer the biggest question, Why am I talking about this now? Unlike a certain useless Tiki-headed mentor to the Power Rangers I will say that "There is a simple explanation for that." and unlike that worthless Tiki Head, I will explain. Last year was pretty much one of the worst for all of us, myself included. The same day that I had posted "The Different Cuts of Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings" was also the day the site I congregate on was shut down and it was also the day my dad died. Meaning the site where I had used for the shared home of "Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure" and my other summer specials I had done years ago was gone, momentarily. A few weeks later, Manic-Expression.com was restarted and I once again had to post my backlog, along with doing my monthly workload and that meant big gaps in what I could or would be able to post. This is why this update is sharing time with what I call "The Summer of Summer Spectaculars" and how I will be scheduling it.

Starting June 21st I will be starting off with my first big Summer Spectacular that I posted on the original Manic Expression. "The Big 3" during that week I will be posting the three reviews that I did originally on myspace (I'm ancient! I get it!) and the epilogue. Then after the fourth of July, I will post my first big Summer Spectacular that did which remains to this day the highest read special I did one of the three that I now have to disown professionally due to the fact that certain people involved in a site that has become a toxic waste site turned out to be assholes and sadly the sequels to said Summer Spectacular which also I have professionally disowned.  And throughout August time permitting, if I am not in the middle of other projects, one of them being, I hope, making my movie, I will be putting "Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure" back on Manic-Expression.com. 

Thanks for checking this out and whatever happens next in the Schiff-verse of Mermaids I will be there to update things further and have a nice day.

Friday, May 21, 2021

Hitting all the right & wrong "Scales"

    (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Let's talk about "Scales: Mermaids Are Real." (Cut to the opening credit of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
No real build-up, no true reason why except maybe just for funsies, I'd check out a movie that got approved by The Dove Foundation and possibly something for fun and given the state of fear and anxiety I have right now due to circumstances beyond my control, I need something to relax me so I can get through the rest of this year. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And apparently, with time against me and other things (The sound of pounding and banging is heard as demonic ranting and raving is heard as the footage shakes.) THIS IS "SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL!" (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As the movie begins we're shown that this movie is produced by Fromage Productions so you know it was gonna be cheesy! We soon are given images of Mermaids as we come exposition animation as the credits roll. We soon come upon a young girl named Siren played by Emmy Perry coming up for air as she gives us exposition about her dreams. (Show clip of Siren as she talks about her dreams. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) We're soon introduced to her foster mom Tiffany played by "Law & Order" alumni Elisabeth Röhm as she takes Siren off to school where she meets a kid with brittle bone disease amongst his other problems named Adam played by Jack Grazer and her long time friend Crystal played by Nikki Hahn. During science class in which the science teacher who may come off nice, needs to know when to be bubbly and when to be the disciplinarian of her class they talk about metamorphosis as Siren somehow is able to manipulate the water in a bottle. Running scared she decides on talking to her friend wonders what is going on with her? (Show clip of Crystal and Siren talking and certain things are talked about including certain girl/women things. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Give her a break, What she doesn't need is the Spanish Inquisition! (Cut to the entrance to James' Studio as the Monty Python "Spanish Inquisition" stinger plays and as a trio of performers dressed as Inquisitors scream "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" Scene cuts to James as the sounds of slaughter are being heard)

TLOTA:
Well, the funerals for those poor guys are gonna have to come out of my budget! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Eventually Siren shows her abilities. The two talk as we see some truly strange things happening as Siren is scared by the people around her as if people are looking at her. Later on, Siren and her foster mother come in and the two talk about her birth mom and how much Siren's birth mom would love Siren. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: 
Which based on the title, yeah, this just reinforces a trope when it comes to Mermaids becoming moms, and sadly how they SUCK at motherhood! (1970's Gameshow music plays in the background of clips of mothers and different mermaids as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I'm not knocking motherhood as easy, But let's face it when you give birth to a child, ninety-five percent of your free time now belongs to taking care of a child. This movie and movies like  "The Thirteenth Year",  and the Barbie "Mermaid Tale" movies show this trope, even the series "Mako Mermaids" & "Siren" has that trope that Mermaids aren't the best mothers though, in the latter's defense, it wasn't like Ryn played by Eline Powell was glad to give her up the daughter to her pod. Maybe that's something that needed to be addressed more those sort of feelings as to why this happened and how much it hurt the mermaid to give up their child and how much she wanted to be in her child's life. Mermaids becoming mothers and how it can be a good thing for the mother mermaid to teach the offspring about themselves and what to expect in the world. This is one problem I have with the Disney Animated "Little Mermaid" movies. The third one showed that Ariel did have a mom for the first few formative years, While yes Ariel's mom was killed because... makes it easy. There should've been more time dedicated to Ariel learning to explore because maybe her mom loved doing it and it would've led to Ariel being the way she was. Call me nuts but we need to see more movies when it comes to mermaids and motherhood, it needs to be handled better. (Cut to James as he sighs.)

TLOTA:
But I digress, on with the review. (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Later on, Adam and Siren have a brief conversation, quickly becoming friends as Adam tells Siren about himself more. The next day as Siren sports the present Crystal gave her the day before, glows which forces Crystal to stay away from Siren. That night Crystal and her mom played by Kim Hidalgo and it's at Dinner that with the subtlety this movie can afford, tells Siren she's becoming a mermaid and that Crystal is going to be a half-blooded mermaid just like her mom. Not handling the news well, Siren takes a bath which doesn't quell her fears as well... (Cut to clip of Siren's feet becoming more fin-like and passes out. Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
That could've been worse! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief trip to the Hospital, Siren is invited to a meeting where other mermaids are. Siren heads to Adam's father's house as he and a friend of his named Brody meet Siren as she secretly tells Adam about what's happening to her. Adam supports her as Siren finds a book that reveals Adam's family and associates are Mermaid Hunters. Running back home Siren tells her foster mother about Adam's dad and her foster mom tells her to stay away from Adam and to give her an aerator to protect her newly developing gills. The next morning after having a dream about her birth mom, Siren decides to opt away from wearing it, leading to this somewhat comedic moment. (Cut to the moment in which Siren passes out and is taken to the Principal's office as James continues his voiceover.) It's here that the Principal played by Morgan Fairchild helps Siren with an aerator she has because The Principal is a mermaid as well. Yeah, that's the ticket! Later on, Adam discovers his dad and his friend Brody talk about killing Siren for her blood to heal Adam. Adam tells Siren about how bonkers his dad and Brody are. However Siren out of the kindness of her heart is willing to do whatever it takes to help her new friend, and I got to admit, it was a nice touch to show that even though the parents and adults are dead set in the old ways, kids are better at solving things than we give them credit for.  Later on, at a desalination plant, Land bound mermaids come together to welcome Siren into their group. While that's happening Adam spills he knows who the mermaid that's coming of age but won't spill on who she is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Dude, you're in enough hot water to cook you alive! Oh did I forget to mention that as the movie has gone on Adam has been racking up the injuries? My bad so that doesn't make things better for Adam's dad or Siren. (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Adam's dad and Brody who for some reason is becoming a likable Mr. Crocker of sorts put two and two together and for the record, it's four! Not IFLYDACHOOCHOO! like how you're being taught! Adam's dad rightfully believes it to be Siren. When Adam's Dad, Brody, and their friends try to find her, they miss her as she makes it to a safe house. Adam's dad, Brody, and the other hunters find the other land-bound mermaids and take the Principal as a hostage and posting a spoiler as to what happens to the Principal, they forget about her and she decides to get out after the ending which I will talk about soon. But needless to say, everything that happens after a certain point in the ending is moot especially when I get to it. But I digress. Siren completes her transformation as Tiffany, the woman who raised Siren as her own daughter has a moment in which her heart is breaking because she has to let her go! And to be fair I know where she's coming from, as my two of my three nieces are eighteen and are moving on with their lives and it hurts because as the years have gone on, I've grown to think of my nieces as my own daughters! Anyway, Siren appears to be safe in the ocean, as she finds her birth mother Emerald played by... Excuse me for a moment. (Cut to James as he searches for the actress who plays "Emerald" in the movie and comes upon a name.)

TLOTA:
HOLY CARP! IT'S WORLD-RENOWNED MERMAID AND OCEAN ACTIVIST HANNAH FRASIER! THA... (Stumbles on the words as to how awesome Hannah Frasier is.) WOW! Congrats movie, You just jumped up quite a few notches in my book! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Adam continues to deteriorate, Adam's dad and the hunters' force Tiffany and the others to call out Siren and her mother Emerald which they do as everyone discovers that Siren is a Full Blooded Mermaid and not a half-blooded one as Siren and Emerald sing a song which heals everything even Adam's brittle bones! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And to be honest, it is cool to see how one thing actually means another so that a mermaid's blood is in fact their song that can heal! It's a harmless touch. But the harmlessness of the movie ends right about here as... (Show clip of Emerald creating a big and terrifying storm. Cut to James as he gets a call.)

TLOTA:
Hello! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Uh, James, something demonic is happening. Let me put the phone on speaker. (The Gozer speech from "Ghostbusters" is heard as E-Rod opens the door where Alex is. The two lock eyes as Julia Alexa Miller asks E-Rod to return inside so she can tell him what's going on. Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah Emerald has summoned a storm that is ready to unleash Gozer and if that's what Mama can do, I am scared of what Siren is going to WHAT THE...?! (Show clip of Siren reducing Brody to a pile of water as James screams in terror, cut to the clip of Rob Zombie's "Halloween" as Dr. Loomis shouts "WHAT THE HELL?! JESUS CHRIST!" Cut to Brody now officially a pile of dust as it cuts to James.)

TLOTA:
"SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL" YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE A SICK MOVIE "SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL" YOU'RE SICK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! (Cut to the clip of Brody being reduced to water, intercut with James babbling incoherently about Brody and his fate. Cut to James.) YOU'RE SICK, MOVIE YOU! ARE! SICK! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOO! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THE CUTE AND HAPPINESS AFTER WHAT YOU PULLED MOVIE! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO GET THE MOMENT IN WHICH WE SEE ADAM FULLY HEALED AND ABLE TO PLAY SPORTS! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE MOMENTS OF TIFFANY COPING WITH THE LOSS OF SIREN AND YOU SURE AS ALL GET OUT DON'T DESERVE THE MOMENT IN WHICH SIREN HAS HER DREAMS COME TRUE AND SHE MEETS HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER IN A POST-CREDIT SCENE! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT ENDING BECAUSE YOU KILLED A GUY! AND THIS MOVIE GOT THE DOVE FOUNDATION'S SEAL OF APPROVAL!?! AY-YI-YI! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So that was "Scales: Mermaids Are Real" and had that moment in the end not happened it would've been, for the most part, your basic every day, average, dollar store harmless fun family film with above better than average acting for a movie of this caliber, a fun plot with some fairly good morals and stunning visuals. However, as my friend Rowdy said best, "It's not how you start, it's how you finish!"  (Cut to the original ending of Dante being killed in "Clerks" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The best comparison I can make is the original version of "Clerks", In the nationwide released version, the movie ends with Dante and Randal closing up the Quick Stop. However, in the original version, Dante is gunned down as he closes up, which actually ended the movie on a down note and thus ruining any goodwill Kevin Smith had in the movie. Imagine instead of cutting that ending out he doubled down on it with Randal coming in, getting a bullet to the head, then Jay and Silent Bob buy the farm as well. (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This is supposedly a family film about friendship, finding yourself, and becoming who you have to be. This isn't an indie film done on the budget of a gallon of gas! And when you end with a guy being killed by being reduced to water, you forfeit every ounce of goodwill that you gave in the hour and a half proceeding that moment! I was going to say "I recommend it as a harmless Saturday Afternoon with nothing better on the tv type of movie and you should check it out!" But I cannot in good conscience do so after such a horrific moment! This needs to be sent to the depths of Mariana's Trench and left there for eternity! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And yes if you're wondering, Next time is my eighth anniversary! (The sound of a demonic voice shouts "IT WILL BE YOUR LAST! I WILL DESTROY YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL!") That might happen, even I'm afraid I won't make it and after watching this movie, I can tell you, that fear is reinforced! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and... "SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL" IS SIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK! (Cut to the clip of Brody being reduced to a puddle of water and James screaming in fear as he hides. Cut to black.)