Thursday, September 22, 2022

The "Penn & Teller" is mightier than the sword

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators' original run play. The camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. I know I have talked about magicians in the past, but there's a duo who uses magic to expose the BS in our lives, and that duo is known as Penn Jillette and his often silent partner, Teller! (Cut to clips of the duo in various shows, including their own.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And to be honest, these two have had quite a career as a duo. Starting in 1975, these two mix magic, logic, comedy, and fantasy violence in a uniquely entertaining brew. While their relationship on stage may look like Penn is always out to have one trick go south to see Teller buy the farm. The two have mutual respect for each other professionally, and while having a few interests outside of magic, they're good enough friends to have Teller considered a part of Penn's Family. While they sometimes disagree, they lead to better material from the two. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So when it comes to the two making a movie, even though they've got good chemistry, is their act powerful enough to succeed, or will they wind up conjuring a Dark Comedy Cult Classic? (Cut to the title of "Penn & Teller Get Killed" then to clips from the movie that don't give everything away as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 1989 as the last film of Arthur Penn, "Penn & Teller Get Killed" shows just what happens when the duo, or more succinctly Penn Jillette, opens his mouth without thinking while the two pull their usual routine with each other. But can this show the best of the two, or is it worse than their Sin City Spectacular? Today we'll see our duo and what they can do to each other and everyone around them as they play in Jersey City. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And just so I can avoid the lynching, I probably deserve from certain people. I have censored where in Jersey City they're playing in both the dialogue and in the film itself (James pulls out a button) with this handy dandy device. So let's see how "Penn and Teller Get Killed" (Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with Penn Jillette, and Teller, played by Penn Jillette and Teller,  as the two are doing their TV Anti-Gravity looking like Magic trick as Carlotta, played by Caitlin Clarke, is checking out the two as she is both their manager and Penn's Girlfriend. As they go on a Late Night Talk Show to do their trick, talk about how Psychic Surgery is a load, and promote their two-week performance stint at [Bleep] Casino, and then Penn does something no one with the right amount of common sense would say in any way, or matter and get away with by today's standards. (Show the clip in which Penn talks about wishing someone would kill him. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
WHY?! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU SAY THAT UNLESS YOU WANT TO HAVE EVERY NUT WITH A SCREW LOOSE OUT TO HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE AN ANIMAL?! ARE YOU STUPID, PENN JILLETTE, OR ARE YOU JUST LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SHOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THAT NUTS! 
(Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The next morning our threesome makes it to the airport as a religious zealot is shot down by Penn and Teller before giving them his spiel about God, and for the record, I would never force my religious beliefs on anyone, nor should anyone else for that matter, however, the man of God must be a Ted Nugent fan as he tries to scare Penn and Teller into finding religion and here is what takes up a good portion of the movie's run time. The two of them try to out-prank each other or the people around them at random times, with Carlotta working with Teller as Penn goes through the metal detector. (Show the clip of Penn as he tries to go through the Metal Detector and slowly has a nervous breakdown. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Just imagine the two if they had to do this movie today; they'd have more to go through. 
(Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Penn discovers that Teller had set him up and, to pay him back, puts Teller in thumb cuffs, fills the holes with glue, and puts a fake gun in there. Our heroes soon make it to the Casino, and again, if I was on YouTube, I would be putting my mug over the name of the Casino because, again, people seem to hate him. As their first show ends the way, most of their shows end with a trick that ends with the apparent demise of Teller. The two decide to hit the slots, which becomes an experiment on how and why you should not take free money. (Show clip of Penn as he gambles with another gambler in the slots as Teller throws money at the guy, then Penn sets off a Change war as he shouts about how the revolution is started at [Bleep] Casino. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, there goes their engagement. 
(Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Later on, that night, Penn and Carlotta discuss how stupid an idea it was for the two to cause chaos in the casino. Carlotta also talks about her rich Uncle Ernesto and how he's suffering from tumors and wants to spend his cash on Psychic Surgeons. Penn decides that if they can save one person from their stupidity, it will be worth it for them to show Uncle Ernesto why Psychic Surgeons are BS! (Show clip of Penn as he goes through Psychic Surgery and then tells Uncle Ernesto how it's done. The movie continues as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After saving Uncle Ernesto, we find Penn & Teller practicing their schtick for an appearance on David Letterman as three angry associates of the Psychic Surgeon find Penn, Teller, and Carlotta. Teller makes what could've been a minor misunderstanding into a bigger situation as he tries to fight off the three as Penn & Teller are taken, and Carlotta is grabbed as well. Penn and Teller are strapped down to a pair of gurneys as the psychic surgeon decides to gut Penn Jillette while Penn gives time for Teller to get loose. (Show clip of Penn as he uses the time to distract the Psychic Surgeon and as Teller begins his attack and screams, and the joke is on Penn. James continues his voiceover) That's right, this was Teller's response prank to what happened to him at the Airport and what Teller did to Penn through the Airport earlier. After another appearance at [BLEEP] Casino, Penn is shot, and it looks like things are getting real as Teller sees the maniac who shot Penn and tails the guy. Thinking this was another one of Teller's pranks, Penn isn't taking what Teller tried to convey to him as seriously. I guess when you prank each other long enough, what's true and what isn't becomes a blur. The next day as the duo prep for another show, Penn finally realizes that this isn't one of Teller's pranks! (Cut to Penn as he has a shattered bust of his head as he says, "It isn't you, is it?" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, let's see, he found a guy with a long-range sharpshooter's rifle with your name on it; he followed the guy most of the night as the nut disappeared and has been trying to stop the cuckoo bird. WHY, IN THE NAME OF SAMUEL LANGFORD HELL, DO YOU THINK THIS IS TELLER'S DOING? (Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Now incognito, Penn and Teller going under the pseudonyms of Fats and The Hunted, the movie becomes very weird. (Show the Memoirs of The Hunted moments as Penn does narrations as The Hunted and describes the pseudo-realistic detective. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
That's a unique description of a detective.
(Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Penn and Teller finally meet the Officer, played by Celia McGuire, who is the same actress as Carlotta, under a pseudonym, assigned to find the hitman and protect Penn and Teller as the three hit the streets to find the guy. Penn & Teller are taken to Officer McNamara's boat for protection. While Penn and McNamara watch the Three Stooges, listen to The Velvet Underground and enjoy Colas, Teller discovers the nutjob again and decides enough is enough; he's going to buy a gun to protect himself and Penn from the psycho. After some time under McNamara's protection, The nutjob is captured, and Penn wants to see this guy's place. The results...? (Show clip of Penn and Teller's psychotic fan's video and their reaction. Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Not exactly the reaction I would have. I would be more in the thought of, "Okay, either make sure he gets One Deca-Quadrillion year life sentence, or I will give him the pleasure of being around me, but he'll be a sorry son of a bitch after a half a day with me! 
(Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Penn and Teller thank McNamara for doing her duties, and Teller decides he doesn't need his gun anymore. But maybe he should've kept it, as Penn is gutted like a trout! Getting Penn to a hospital, Teller finds the guy who stabbed to be the same sociopath who is out to kill Penn and chases him down as we discover the knife is a breakaway prop, which means that this is all Penn's response prank for what Teller did to him with Uncle Ernesto's Psychic Surgeon as Penn response to what Teller did to Penn at the airport. However, like one of their shows, this is the prank that backfires as Teller finds his gun and shoots Penn, then himself, and we see that the fanatic was an actor hired by Penn and Carlotta. Teller realizing what he did starts off a chain reaction that ends this movie for all intent and purposes. (Show Teller as he shoots Penn, then talks, and Carlotta shows who she is, the two discover that the gun was real and Teller had killed Penn, and Teller's last words are "No Hard Feelings." as he kills himself. Carlotta jumps out a window. The actor and his friend kill themselves, and the chain reaction of people killing themselves occurs as Penn tells the audience they died and that they had no other option than to go through with the ending of the movie. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, I think that this qualifies as a prequel to "The Happening" because only the spirits of the dead that can't move on would cause everyone to kill themselves, especially if it's the spirits of Penn Jillette and Teller! 
(Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
"Penn and Teller Get Killed" is exactly what you expect from Penn & Teller if they were the stars of their own movie. A lot of their social commentary, A lot of laughs, and plenty of pranks. While initially, it was not a success at the box office, much like "UHF", which came out the same year, the movie has become a Cult Classic. However, as "UHF" was light-hearted and funny, "Penn and Teller Get Killed" was Penn and Teller at their 1980s best, twisted, dark, and full of social commentary. It's available on Digital, and for a while, it was on DVD, and if you can get it, I strongly suggest you see this movie to see Penn and Teller at their most demented and darkly humorous. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since Penn & Teller are technically magicians, this is a great setup for next month, which happens to be October. (Audio of someone saying, "And you know what that means!") Can't I even get into Halloween mode before you come in to annoy me?  (Cut to the source of the audio, who happens to be Phelous.)

Phelous:
Oh, I am just making sure you keep up with your word! (Cut to James as he morphs into Halloween mode!)

TLOTA:
I am going to do a double dose of Ghostbusters next month, starting with "Ghostbusters: Afterlife" and ending with "Extreme Ghostbusters," and if that isn't enough for you, then I don't know what to tell you. (Cut to Phelous)

Phelous:
Well, considering you had to produce that Internet Daytime Talk Show and Direct that Game Show Pilot that you had me and Allison sit through. I had more fun watching another one of those straight-to-video knockoff animated movies of the better ones from Disney.  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Excuse me for a moment; I'm going to talk to Mr. Wall; at least I can have a meaningful conversation. (James turns around.) Hello Mr. Wall, you know that the Internet Daytime Talk show and Game show pilot wasn't my idea but, in fact, my forced upon business partner's ideas. And those ideas have destroyed my credibility in creating quality content. (Cut to Phelous)

Phelous:
You keep talking to the wall, I'll see myself out! (Phelous walks away. Cut to James as he turns around.)

TLOTA:
Well, glad he got the point! In the meanwhile, I've got my October workload to do! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Friday, September 16, 2022

A taste of the "Rainbow"

(Scene begins with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Kent Lilly and Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear, and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of "Written by James Faraci with assistance from Steve Kidd & Chris Lee Moore, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions, Directed by James Faraci" as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words "The" "Last" "Of" "The" appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the term "Americans" start to come forward as it pulls down, and James' Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans and half of team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to James as he looks through the mail)

TLOTA:
Yeah, I just got the mail Rowdy. Oh, you heard about her through the Reviewerverse chatter; I will give it a watch and see if she'll like it. (A voice out of frame says, "Who is she?" as James turns and sees Chad Narducci.)

TLOTA:
Oh, it's you. (Phone makes talking noises) I was talking briefly to the son of a bitch that has tanked my reputation! No, Chad Narducci! Yep, that's him, same guy. Yeah, he made the internet daytime talk show, made that pilot that you sat at, and mentioned that you'd rather watch that show from across the pond again about you know who. Uh-huh, uh-huh, see you in October. Stay Rowdy, dude. Chad, do me a favor and come up with the idea that would say, "Oh, those who were wronged by the "AWESOME" were butt hurt and completely unprofessional and deserves hatred while the "AWESOME" were so innocent!". Seriously, why are you out to end my career? (Cut to Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
Okay, I admit my ideas aren't panning out, but eventually, I'll come up with a great idea to get us going. (Cut to James as he sorts out the mail and gives Chad his mail)

TLOTA:
Here's your mail, and I'm betting a lot of it is rejected ideas that I have to foot the bill to get done. And with most of my budget going to bail you out of your messes, I can only pay for two of the team members at a time, and I told you why I couldn't do Patreon or any of these crowdfunding things without a partnership. (Chad blows James off by going, "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!") Alex, your residuals from your photo tutorials, along with bills. Eric, here's your latest editor's guide, and Olivia, your packages. Oh, and here it is, Baby Kinsleigh's present from Rowdy. "Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer" and a Digital Copy. Okay, everyone, video-checking time for Kinsleigh! (Everyone hops onto the couch as we see everyone get ready to watch the movie. The screen cuts to black with the text "One Viewing Later…" then cuts to everyone as they wonder what it is they just watched and if they had seen it before. Cut to James as he walks away and into his office.)

TLOTA:
Why am I reminded of something I saw 25 years ago? (Cut to the title card of "Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 1985, "Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer" was a movie that did okay but quickly disappeared from the box office. But did it deserve to disappear that? Well, we're about to discover how and why this movie reminded me of something else and if this led to anything more. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's not waste any time; this is "Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer." (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It should be known that the primary producers of the movie were DIC entertainment which made classic kids' shows like "Inspector Gadget," "The Super Mario Brother Super Show," and "The Real Ghostbusters," to name a few of the series they did. The movie opens as we hear this Verruca Salt Brat saying she wants the biggest diamond in the universe and won't stop until she gets it. She's known as "The Princess," and she won't be stopped. (Cut to the intro credits and the song that plays. We soon then cut to a… (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Yeah, okay, this is interesting. I remember singing that from where I was to help my friend about eight years ago. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So this is Rainbow Brite as her friends surround her to wake her up and her little fur ball friend Twink has some special dust to help Rainbow Brite create Rainbows. Rainbow makes her way to earth to bring spring to everyone. However, this duo of Murky Dismal and Lurky is out to get Rainbow Brite for one reason. To take the color out of the universe! However, there's this one girl named Stormy who controls winter and rain and wants more rain storms. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And as much as I can't believe I'm saying this, I say let it rain! These droughts have been chaotic. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
Stormy brings out her horse Skydancer and tries to keep winter around a little longer. Who does she think she is? The Groundhog from Groundhog's Day? However, Rainbow gets the win as she meets up with Brian, who sees that winter is still around and that if spring doesn't happen soon, it might be the end of life as we know it. Why am I reminded of something similar? Rainbow soon returns to her home as On-X meets her, as it delivers a message to Rainbow that Orin, the leader of the planet Spectra, has gone missing. Rainbow goes to find Orin as the Princess from the intro is out to find the greatest diamond in the galaxy, which happens to be the planet Spectra. Helping Rainbow is a kid in a colored armored suit named Krys. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Something is VERY familiar about this. The largest diamond in the universe, People are freezing to their ends, Armored people trying to stop the bad guy's plans, humorous side villains that are not threatening. Why does this seem so familiar? Maybe if I take a break, it will help. 

(James sits in his office, thinking as the scene fades to black as it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to James in his office, having slugged down his tenth bottle of "Liquid I.Q.”)

TLOTA:
I KNOW I'VE SEEN THIS PLOT BEFORE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE!

(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Krys and Rainbow get along as well as… let me say Chad, and I have been getting along better than Krys and Rainbow. When they find the leader of the planet Spectra, he says they're Spectra's only hope to be saved. While that is happening, Murky and Lurky decide to go to Spectra to find Rainbow and take her belt. Rainbow and Krys find a way to get into the Princess's castle and beg her to stop her plans as it will kill everything. The Princess' response? Send Rainbow and Krys to spend eternity on a Prison planet owned by Sargeant Zombo, who takes Starlight and imprisons Rainbow, Krys, and Orin. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I HAVE SEEN THIS PLOT BEFORE! And I already used my commercial break. Maybe I could go to my college to see if they can help. (Cut to James as he goes to his college to work out the elements of the plot and works with his fellow students. Cut to James back in his office.)

TLOTA:
Even my fellow students can't figure out what this plot is about! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Orin tells Rainbow and Krys the only way to save Spectra is to destroy the Princess's crystal. Starlight gets Rainbow her belt back in a battle between the Princess and her, and as The Princess continues to give the most annoying brat on the planet who needs to get their backside kicked when OH HAI KNUCKLEHEADS! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
To quote the late Tony Stark in "Marvel's The Avengers." (Cut to the clip as he looks at the interface monitor and says, "Huh, How about that?" (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Distracted, Krys and Rainbow destroy the princess' power crystal. Hotter than Texas chili and defeated, The Princess is so upset she destroys a crystal and decides to go full Fury Road to destroy Spectra. However, Rainbow has other plans. (Show clip of Rainbow using her Rainbow powers to destroy the ship. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm sure she survived. At least, I think she did; if she did, I hope she found herself the same way Jeff Goldblum's Character in "Thor: Ragnarok" did. (Cut to the Princess on Sakarr as she acts just like she did in Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer and then got a beating from the Gladiator Hulk! Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So the day is saved, life is restored to everyone, and the movie ends as Rainbow returns home with everything back to normal. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was "Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer." It's a good 1980s animated harmless kid's movie. (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While the animation quality is what DIC was known for, the voice-acting cast, including Peter Cullen, Pat Fraley, Scott Menville, and Charlie Adler, did a great job. The plot does remind me of something I saw. While I recommend the movie to parents who have young children now, and it gives you a feeling of nostalgia, and you find yourself enjoying it, I hope this is your cup of bright and colorful tea. Find it anywhere you can and enjoy this taste of the Rainbow. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I know I have harped on this, but why has this movie reminded me of another film? What is the movie that haunts my mind? (A knock on the door is heard.) It's open! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller at the door.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I thought that after watching that kid's film for Kinsleigh, we'd check out that Robert Pattinson "The Batman" movie. (Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
Batman? Batman! (James sits in his chair until it hits him as he screams in pain as a flood of scenes from Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin" fill his head with distorted audio of "This is why Superman works alone!", "What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!" "I am nature's arm,  her spirit, her will. Hell, I am mother nature, and the time has come for plants to take back the world so rightfully ours!",  then Robin's Scream turns into a monstrous roar as it cuts to James in Rowdy's place with James' face covered in blood and a rainbow. James turns to see a very disturbed look on Rowdy's face.)

Rowdy:
James, What happened? (Cut to James as his hands shake.)

TLOTA:
I don't know! (Fade to black)


Tuesday, August 23, 2022

Top 10 Episodes of THE ORVILLE So Far

(Scene begins in the depths of space as we see The Orville flying in the depths of space. We soon find Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr, Lt. Cmdr. Bortus, Isaac, Lt. Cmdr. Talla Keyali, Cmdr. Grayson & Capt. Ed Mercer as they discover a bunch of devices, one being a Sonic Screwdriver and ORAC inside a room for scientific research)

ISAAC:
According to scientists, these artifacts were found in what was once known as Sullivan County, New York. During the twentieth century, specifically a heyday in The 1920s until the 1960s, it was part of what was known as "The Borscht Belt." It was when residents known as Hotels were used to finding talent for television, movies, and theater, both local and national. And Borscht is a soup made from beetroot and topped with Sour Cream. It is also served cold.

Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr:
According to what I've read in the research, this is a Screwdriver. Though I thought it was for personal stimulation because of the sonic frequencies. 

Lt. Cmdr. Talla Keyali:
And according to what I've read, This is a supercomputer. It has an activation key that runs on a rechargeable battery. A few ounces of self-sustaining energy from the Quantum Core will suffice in reactivating it. With your permission, Captain.

Captain Ed Mercer:
Let's see if it can work. (Talla puts the activation key in, and the ship shuts down)

Cmdr. Kelly Grayson (Audio only):
John, find the backup generators and get them going! (The ship restarts, and ORAC activates)

ORAC:
All systems and functions are at one hundred percent. (Everyone except Isaac jumps back in surprise.)

ISAAC:
I am Isaac. You are... (Cut to ORAC)

ORAC:
ORAC! A supercomputer created for the British Broadcasting Corporation's Science Fiction series known as "Blake's 7," I was revived by one James Faraci to assist him in his reviews as his Internet Reviewing persona known as "The Last Of The Americans," and if I am given access to an area where I can create a holographic connection to him and his time. I shall show you what he was like. I am also aware of all the people on board the Planetary Union Starship USS ORVILLE Service number ECV-197. Status: Active in service as a Mid-level exploratory ship however, from interspace chatter, it is becoming a flagship for the Planetary Union. (Cut to Captain Ed Mercer

Captain Ed Mercer:
Impressive. John take... (Cut to ORAC)

ORAC:
ORAC!  (Cut to Captain Ed Mercer)

Captain Ed Mercer:
Right! ORAC to an environmental simulator. Bortus, Talla, run a security sweep to make sure ORAC won't take us into the heart of a sun. (Cut to ORAC)

ORAC:
I observe Asimov's rules of robotics. One) I may not injure or harm a human being through any action or inaction or allow a human to be harmed. Two) I will obey any order unless it comes into conflict with the first rule. Finally, I must protect myself as long as it does not conflict with the first and second laws. Besides, It would be a waste of time and energy best used as assistance in any way, shape, or form for your Planetary Union for any passing idea of intergalactic conquest. Think of all the religious and sociological differences that would cause me to suffer a catastrophic malfunction that would reduce the galaxies to dust. But to alleviate your discomfort, I have run the security checks myself. No foreign virus or program has infected either myself or your ship.

Captain Ed Mercer:
I appreciate it. Place ORAC in an environmental simulator; we'll run this by the Admiralty. (Cut to an exterior shot of the Orville as it flies in the depths of space as Admiral Halsey appears on board the ship with the others in the environmental simulator with ORAC.)

Admiral Halsey:
Fascinating. So ORAC's priority is to act as an assistant for information or as a one-device assistant when a complete crew is incapacitated.

ORAC (Audio only):
Indeed, Admiral Halsey, And I am preparing the necessary connections to show you my former owner, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, at his office. (Cut to Captain Ed Mercer)

Captain Ed Mercer:
When will it be... (The environmental simulator changes to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans' Lobby) ready?

ORAC (Audio only):
Currently, you are still in your environmental simulator. The temporal connection point I made with the studio would be synchronized with James at the current point of the year 2022.

Lt. Gordon Malloy:
Wow, so this was what it was like in 2022. Reminds me of that one simulation. (The sound of walking is heard as James walks in, sees the crew of The Orville, smiles, and looks over his workload for the next few months.)

TLOTA:
Make yourself comfortable; I am just about to finish my August workload. Of course, it will be a little awkward because it's about you guys. (Cut to Lt. Cmdr. Bortus and Lt. Cmdr. John Lamarr.)

Lt. Cmdr. Bortus:
It can see us.  I thought it was a Hologram.

Lt. Cmdr. John Lamarr:
I did a scan; this is more than just a recorded hologram from the past. According to the results, ORAC has turned this environmental simulator into a holographic imaging chamber and connected itself to a version of itself from 2022. How that is possible?

TLOTA:
I will tell you during the intro. (The scene fades to black as it cuts to the depths of space as a sound-alike to both the theme song of The Orville and the 1994 American Gladiators theme as we see the depths of space before cutting to James' Space-Time Device as it zooms through the sky as the title of "The Last Of The Americans" in the same font of The Orville's title card. James and his team are credited, and the guest stars are credited as the cast of "The Orville." Cut to the Space-Time Device as it flies through the depths of space with grace as it credits James as the writer and director of the episode. Cut to the crew of The Orville.)

Captain Ed Mercer:
Incredible, even though in our time we're real, in your time we're a tv series, and everything that is happening to you now, we're viewing you in the present time of your time.  While not affecting anything here, you are a hologram to us, and we are holograms to you. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Exactly and I am about to talk about your adventures while you learn how your adventures are being thought of in my time. You check out the monitor; I will check out the camera above it so I can talk to the audience. I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. If you love Sci-Fi at its best, then you HAVE to watch The Orville. (Cut to the Title card of The Orville, then clips of the series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Created by Seth MacFarland, the same one who created Family Guy, Ted, A Million Ways To Die In The West, and helped create American Dad. The Orville started as an idea by MacFarland's attempt to bring Star Trek back to the small screen. When Paramount told Seth to hit the bricks, he took his idea, refined it, and has since turned what could've been a bad parody attempt at Star Trek and turned it into the purest Sci-Fi series I have ever seen. The series stars MacFarland as Captain Ed Mercer as he travels into the depths of space on board the mid-level exploratory ship known as The Orville in the Planetary Union set in the 2420s. His crew consists of Lt. Gordon Malloy, played by Scott Grimes, The captain's best friend, and is possibly the best pilot in the Union.

Lt. Gordon Malloy (Audio only):
Thanks for the compliment

TLOTA (V.O.):
Next up is Isaac, played by Mark Jackson; Isaac is a Kaylon whose mission is to understand human behavior; throughout the first one and a half seasons, Isaac was a diplomat for his people. Of course, his people are robots, and comparisons were made to the character of Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation. While yes, on the surface, he could be considered a clone or a cheap knock-off of Data. His development led to love and being more than what his people were which according to Captain Ed Mercer, they're a bunch of racist robots. His development ties in with Dr. Claire Finn, played by the ever lovely and distinguished Penny Johnson Jerald, who you may also remember from shows like 24 and, of course, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine as Kasady Yates, Benjamin Sisko's love interest and eventual wife towards the end of the series run. Dr. Finn is a single mom of two boys, Ty & Marcus, she is the ship's doctor and often the counselor for everyone on board. Her development is intertwined with Isaac's because both Isaac and Claire start to develop a romantic relationship, and the culmination of said development is on this list.

Isaac (Audio only):
A fascinating description of the relationship you have between Claire and myself.

Dr. Claire Finn (Audio only):
A little brief, but something tells me you know what you are doing.

TLOTA (V.O.):
Next up is Lt. Cmdr. Talla Keyali, played by Jessica Szohr. She's the chief security officer and a Xelayan. A Xeleyan is lighter and stronger than a normal human under the differences of gravitational levels between earth and that of the Xelayan home world. Initially considered by fans as a knockoff of the previous chief security officer Lt. Alara Kitan, played by Halston Sage, we see that Talla is as good as her predecessor and quickly won the fans over by bringing her own shoes to the role of the chief security officer and won me over by showing empathy and true strength by using her head and her heart more than her fists.

Lt. Cmdr. Talla Keyali (Audio only):
Uh... Thank you?

TLOTA (V.O.):
You're most welcome. Up next is Lt. Cmdr. Bortus, played by Peter Macon. He's the second officer and is a Moclan. The Moclans were the primary weapons manufacturers for the Union until an incident involving Bortus' offspring Topa convinced the Union to tell the Moclans to get the hell out. More details about it later: they pee only once a year in a celebration called Ja'Loja and are supposed to be one gender only. We'll talk more about it as the countdown goes on. But he winds up with quite a bit of development, and I will talk about what happens to him when I talk about the episodes about him on the list. 

Lt. Cmdr. Bortus (Audio Only):
Interesting you know all about me.

TLOTA (V.O.):
 Finally, we have Commander Kelly Grayson, played by Adrienne Palicki, Her infidelities led Ed to suffer a year-long slump in his career, and she has since been seeking atonement for her actions. One of the actions of atonement was helping Ed get the Captain's chair of The Orville. The show started off in a rough patch but quickly found itself in the highest echelons of sci-fi and became a hit series. However, after two solid seasons, Fox promised the third season, but soon due to the usual chicanery that goes on with a series that everyone likes EXCEPT the network. Fox dropped the series. However, HULU granted the series a stay of execution and picked the series up for the third season. And after watching that season, it's clear that there's more greatness in the future, and at the time of this post, it is also now on Disney+.  While I will discuss my thoughts on the series at the end of the top ten list. I will say, YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT! But for now, to celebrate its success, so far, I am going to count down ten of the best episodes from one of the best Sci-Fi Series ever made. And so everyone knows, there will be spoilers. However, I will do my best to keep it to a minimum. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let us praise Avis and engage The Quantum Drive. This is the top ten best episodes of The Orville So Far! (Cut to different lines containing clips from the series proper as the main title of the series plays in the foreground, and the lines come together to create the Planetary Union's Logo and the words in the same text as the series opening credits "The Top Ten Best Episodes Of The Orville, So Far." The words fade as the number pops up over the Planetary Union's Logo, and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number ten

10) Lasting Impressions and Twice In A Lifetime
(Cut to clips of the episodes as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
On an archaeological discovery in Saratoga Springs, NY. The archaeological team discovers a phone which features a girl named Laura, played by Leighton Meester; Gordon finds Laura so interesting that he decides to make up a simulation that features Laura in her life as Gordon tries to interact with her as much as he can. But when something he doesn't want with Laura happens, Gordon learns that he can't change the past without ruining something good for someone else. And as for the follow-up episode, "Twice in a Lifetime" shows Gordon doing exactly what he would have done. A bit of backstory, a device called the Aronov Temporal device was introduced in the pilot; the device was known to age things forwards or backward in a life span.  However, Lamarr is capable of turning the device into a time transfer device. And when The Kaylon hears about it, Gordon goes down to destroy it, which sends multiple versions of him throughout the Space-Time Continuum, which would explain certain people in other shows that look like Gordon Malloy.  But I digress; when the crew finds him, they arrive ten years too late. Gordon has married Laura, has a son, is expecting another kid, and has a job in aviation.  This puts everyone in conflict on what to do. Gordon says he has a good life and doesn't want to go back. However, the solution is even more heartbreaking than losing Gordon. Of course, any other solution is automatically thrown out of the airlock. But the ending stays with you as one of the most heartbreaking of the series. All things considered a strong entry point in this list.

(Cut to the Planetary Union's Logo as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number nine

9) Pria
(Cut to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This episode is on the list because of how it balances out its A & B plots. The B plot is Gordon trying to teach Isaac about humor by doing practical jokes to one another. Gordon places Mr. Potato head pieces on Isaac, and Isaac takes it too far too quickly! (Show clip of Gordon having woken up with one leg and confronting him, calling Isaac Sick and saying that there is something wrong with Isaac. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I've heard of jokes where someone said, "You're Pulling My Leg." but this was ridiculous. (Cut to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Then, of course, there is the A plot which involves Pria Levesque played by...by...by...by...(Slowed down audio of the word "by" is heard as the saxophone pieces from "Careless Whisper" is heard we soon cut to the single members of Team TLOTA as they look in love with Charlize Theron. Cut to further clips of Charlize Theron as it cuts to the married couples of Team TLOTA as they look in love with Charlize Theron. Cut to more clips of Charlize Theron. Cut to James as he looks in love with Charlize Theron just as Julia Alexa Miller comes in with a bucket of ice water, and James gets hit with it and screams to high heavens as it cuts to a mountain with snow on it and James scream causes an avalanche! Cut to James physically as Captain Ed Mercer and Dr. Claire Finn come over to see what happened.)

Captain Ed Mercer:
What happened?

Dr. Claire Finn:
Judging by the scream...

TLOTA:
Can I tell you both something? I and that woman you saw, her name is Julia Alexa Miller AKA Alex Liquidverve Miller on Instagram. We have minor arguments, which lead to her winning by having my privates waxed! (Captain Ed Mercer slowly backs away) The fact I saw Charlize Theron and had that look of falling in love was wrong of me. So as a reminder, even though the hairs grow back, she occasionally reminds me of where I stand with her now. And ice cold water on freshly waxed privates hurt like nobody's business! 

Dr. Claire Finn:
I know that sensation. Might I suggest...

TLOTA:
We have an on-site therapist, Dr. Denny. He's good, a little obsessed with the 2003 movie "The Room," but he's competent, and I want to get back to work right now. (Cut to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yeah, this is Pria Levesque, played by Charlize Theron. Probably doing the episode as a favor to Seth MacFarland, but nevertheless, She is amazing as Pria. Pria's mysterious actions and dialogue throughout the episode keep Kelly guessing until it's too late as Pria takes the ship into the further future. A catfight between Kelly and Pria and Isaac's consciousness in the ship causes Ed to regain the ship and destroy the black hole everyone went through, eliminating Pria from everything. What also puts this episode on the list is that everything started to gain more traction by this point. The Critics were slowly coming around to the series, the fan base was growing rapidly, and the ratings were starting to climb for the series. So this episode was pivotal to helping the series become bigger and better as the season went on. So this episode was worth putting on the list. 

(Cut to the Planetary Union's Logo as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number Eight

8) Future Unknown
(Cut to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
A lot of people called this episode unnecessary. But after a season of so much heavy-duty intense Sci-Fi action, adventure, and drama, a comedic respite was LONG overdue! And this was the perfect comedic respite. After a disturbing ceremony in which Bortus and Klyden renew their vows. Isaac decided that the time was right to take the next step in his relationship with Dr. Claire Finn. Isaac proposed marriage to Dr. Claire Finn after leading the audience most of the second season, and this season, unsure of their relationship, decided that they'd like it and they were gonna put rings on it. I know Futurama would look down on the relationship, but according to Isaac, he would be there for Claire and her boys and any further descendants. And anyone who is able to do that is someone you don't let go of. And in typical comedic wackiness, Isaac invites everyone on his home planet to the event! (Cut to Isaac as he tells Captain Mercer why they're there. Cut to a still of Isaac as Waa-Waa music plays, Cut to James physically as he comedically shrugs his shoulders. Cut back to the episode as James does a voiceover.) We also get a return of Lysella, played by Giorgia Whigham, seeking asylum from her planet. She is tired of the usual rigamarole on her planet, which I will discuss later on this list. Alara Kitan, played by Halston Sage, also came in as a cameo to see how everyone was, wish the best to both Claire and Isaac, and fully pass the torch to Talla. But suffice to say, this comedic breather was awesome! And for those who have problems with the comedic tone, I say this, even shows like Star Trek in every series and the occasional movie had their comedic relief moments/episodes. So take it easy and enjoy the laugh and the love between Isaac and Claire. (Cut to James, Dr. Claire Finn, and Isaac physically)

TLOTA:
And before I forget, even though the episode aired and I watched it. I wish I could've been there to say L'Chaim and Mazel Tov. That was Hebrew wishing you the best of health and congratulations.

Dr. Claire Finn & Isaac (In Unison):
Thank you

(Cut to the Planetary Union's Logo as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number seven

7) About A Girl, Sanctuary, A Tale Of Two Topas, and Midnight Blue
(Cut to clips of the episodes as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Talk about a storyline that was well timed throughout the series so far. Topa was hatched at the end of the second episode, and according to Moclan society, if a baby is born a girl, she has to have surgery that changes them into a male. While Bortus and his mate Klyden played by Chad L. Coleman, are initially on board to continue the tradition. Many on board were horrified by this callous attitude towards Topa's existence. When of all things, John Lamarr and Gordon Malloy decide to bring a six-pack, and the Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer tv special Bortus gains clarity about Topa being different. Things are different because we discover Klyden bought the lie as it was discovering that Klyden was born female, went through the surgery, and thought he would have a better life. We also discover that Moclus is a weapon-manufacturing planet, saying, "We're in this union; you need our weapons." We also discover that their most well-known philosopher and author is female. However, whatever happened failed to keep Topa from fate. We soon find the philosopher Heveena, played by Rena Owen, disillusioned to the point where she leaves Moclus to set up a colony planet that has its own underground railroad for the females that would be free for them. And we soon discover that Heveena, on a reason to keep the planet safe listened to Dolly Parton and inspired her with the strength and courage to fight for their colony. In the most recent season, Topa discovers the truth and decides that for Topa to be free, he becomes the girl she was meant to be. With that, we move on to Midnight Blue. Dolly Parton guest stars! That is the biggest reason for this episode to be on the list. But this episode is crucial as Topa decides to help the colony planet. She's then captured and tortured by Moclans as a traitor on Moclus, helping the colony planet. Bortus and Kelly Grayson rescue Topa. However, after seeing Topa looking like crap, Bortus decides to beat the fothermucker who hurt Topa within an inch of his life. Showing what has happened to the Union. Moclus is forced out of the union. And after a long time away, Klyden finally accepts Topa as his daughter. With the three eventually renouncing their citizenship to their home planet.  These episodes were so great, and the storyline had been well-timed throughout the series run that if this is how the storyline ends for Topa, I was well entertained, and the episodes have done a great job in storytelling as great as a soap opera. And of course, DOLLY PARTON! If you can get Dolly Parton and have her inspire the galaxy, then it deserves to be on this list.

(Cut to the Planetary Union's Logo as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number six

6) Old Wounds
(Cut to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It kind of stinks that I put the pilot in the number six slot as it does set the series and our characters up. But in terms of series pilots, it's one of the best I've seen. After his wife cheats on him with a blue alien, Ed Mercer's career hits the skids. it's up to Admiral Halsey, played by Victor Garber, to help him out of his year-long funk by giving Ed one last chance to get back on track by giving him The Orville. Discovering that his ex-wife is now his XO, he tries to be professional even if their first conversation as Captain and XO becomes so loud that I think everyone on earth in my time heard them! But after an encounter between them and the Krill, they discover they work better as a Captain and XO better than husband and wife. Even though, at the end of the episode, we discover that Kelly got Ed the Captain's chair as an act of atonement for what she did. It was possibly some of the best sci-fi I had seen since the Star Trek series and movies of the 1990s. Granted, it had its few stumbles; if you have seen it, it is nice to see what can start so small and become something bigger.

(Cut to the Planetary Union's Logo as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number five

5) Gently Falling Rain
(Cut to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
On the eve of peace between The Krill and The Planetary Union, Teleya, played by Michaela McManus, takes the chancellor's throne, effectively ending all hope for peace. The delegates from the Planetary Union are now being prepared for execution, one of them being the Planetary Union's president, played by Babylon 5's Bruce Boxleitner. Even more shocking is the fact that Ed has a daughter, Anaya, and Teleya is her mom. Though she denies it to the populace for fear of losing her power. And just for the record, Teleya is doing this because Ed hurt her by saving her and innocent children on a reconnaissance mission he had in season one. Talk about gratitude. While Ed is hopeful to see his daughter again and regain some sort of peace between the Krill and The Union. By the end of the episode, you can tell Teleya was going to use her daughter as a political tool, and all hopes for peace have been destroyed for now. As for what the future holds? Maybe, one day, both sides will regain the peace they lost, and Ed can hopefully make up for the lost time when Anaya's mom decided that power meant more than peace because her pride was hurt. 

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And for those who use your children for devious reasons, I say SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR CALLOUS AND CAVALIER ATTITUDES TOWARDS CHILDREN! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE RIGHT TO BE PARENTS! GO TO HELL! ALL OF YOU! YOU'RE SCUM! And to Teleya, if you are seeing this in your cell, let me say the following, You're a scaly bitch! If not for the fact you have limbs and an acute aversion to sunlight, you'd be no different from a SNAKE! Cold-blooded, vicious, and without conscience! And I hope AVIS condemns you to the Krill equivalent of hell! (Sighs, then regains his calm) Before I get to number four, there is something I need to talk about, the content of the episode. It talks about social media. I should say the following about Social Media. I use Social Media as a tool to promote my work and connect with my family and friends. Very rarely do I ever talk about, Politics or the society we live in and talk about it in any way on Social Media. Even rarer is when I use Social Media for fun! Social Media used properly is meant to connect us all together. With that said... (Cut to the Planetary Union's Logo as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number four

4) Majority Rule
(Cut to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The crew is on a mission on the planet Sargas 4 to find missing anthropologists. What they find is the planet's society being run by Social Media. Imagine if MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, and every other form of Social Media became the governing body of an entire planet. And if you get a certain amount of downvotes, well, you wind up lobotomized, and your I.Q. is equal to spaghetti.

Isaac (Audio only):
There is a race known as The Spaghetti in the Union. Are you talking about them?

TLOTA (V.O.):
I'm talking about the dried pasta, Isaac. But I digress; Lamarr finds himself in a situation of his own mistakes as he winds up getting into trouble with the planet as he faces lobotomization for well his grinding. Alara Kitan nearly finds herself in Lamarr's predicament and avoids it barely, but the team sent to investigate is met with an ordinary member of Sargas 4's society who helps rescue Lamarr from winding up with Spaghetti for intelligence. Lysella, played by Giorgia Whigham, creates a promotional campaign to save Lamarr his fate. Lysella would return to The Orville in the latest episode, tired of being part of her planet's society. This episode highlights in its own way how blindly siding with what is popular on social media will turn your humanity off. Following those that Social Media says you should or must because they're the popular thing right now or having Social Media tell you to shun or crucify someone because Social Media tells you to do it. Doing what social media tells you without your conscience telling you to do otherwise can eventually erode away your humanity. Blindly saying yes to this or no to that because everyone else is doing it. And lest we forget those who have been lobotomized! If they weren't found guilty, they would have been able to take Sargas 4 to the stars. But we'll never know because in a society that's been controlled by Social Media that said fricassee their brains because that's what we tell you to do is the answer for everything. And for those who got their minds reduced to (Making the Sargas 4 who got Lobotomized sound as they are): one plus one equals IPUTSTHESQUAREINTHEROUNDHOLE! (Talking normally): Their loved ones are now stuck caring for them forever. Sargas 4, you are so downvoted that I would gladly see EVERY SINGLE LAST PERSON THERE GET THEIR BRAINS REDUCED TO THE CONSISTENCY OF RICE PUDDING!!

(Cut to the Planetary Union's Logo as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number three

3) Nothing On Earth Excepting Fishes
(Cut to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This one is a personal choice for me. For the first time in a long time since Ed and Kelly's divorce. Both are happy with new loved ones in their lives and their careers on the upswing.  Ed and Lt. Janel Tyler played by Michaela McManus, are a happy couple heading out on a vacation when the two are intercepted by a Krill fighter. Ed is doing everything it takes to survive when the truth about Janel Tyler's identity is exposed. Janel Tyler is, in fact, the Krill female Teleya he met on his reconnaissance mission to discover more about the Krill. She was sent in as a spy to learn more about The Planetary Union and get to Ed Mercer. She succeeded, and by the end of the episode, as Ed lets Teleya go, you can feel the pain Ed feels come through in the music from Billy Joel. The fact that this episode ended on such a somber note left me waxing introspective about my failures in the romance department. And if an episode can have me feeling that by the end, it is worthy of this list!

(Cut to the Planetary Union's Logo as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number two

2) Domino
(Cut to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Many people loved the new season, and this episode, The Penultimate episode of the season, sees the changing faces of the wars being raged. With Moclus now out of the Planetary Union, they turn to the Krill for an alliance. Meanwhile, Isaac has created a weapon using tech from another reformed Kaylon to create a device to wipe them all out. Helping Isaac out is Ensign Charley Burke, played by Anne Winters. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And from what I heard, the fandom didn't like her attitude towards Isaac, nor did they like Charley as a character. The fans considered her another Dawn Summers, Wesley Crusher, Adric from classic Doctor Who, Connor from Angel, or one of the many offenders of being the most annoying character in a series or franchise. But I liked her for what she was. She survived hell and is now on board with a creature representing all the evil she fought and killed those she loved. No wonder she was abrasive. And before anyone asks, she was a member of the LGBTQIA+ Community, and I am fine with that. (Cut to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The weapon is, of course, successful, which leads to the type of discussions only heard about in recent years in the movies and series that talk about this in a frank and honest manner. To me, even though it was in defense of the Xelayan Homeworld. You can see on Seth MacFarlane's face that the results were devastating and disgusting!  Because this was something that Steve Rogers talked about in Captain America The Winter Soldier. Holding a weapon over your friends, enemies, and everyone else and calling it "Protection!" What The Union was doing wasn't protecting freedom. it was using fear; Terrorism at its most basic and beastly of concepts! Even worse, Admiral Perry, played by Ted Danson, betrays the Planetary Union by handing over the Kaylon Doomsday Device to the newly formed alliance. His reward? Being blasted into the depths of space and hell. A new alliance between the Kaylon and Union is forged to either recover or destroy the weapon. The battle is gloriously awesome to see. However, the final stand to either stop or destroy the device leads Charley to sacrifice herself to rescue everyone else. This act shows Kaylon Primary that not all biologicals are evil.  In the end, This leads to an alliance between The Kaylon and The Union, even opening the door for a possible membership for the Kaylon. And the most heart-wrenching moment came from Isaac, someone who Charley hated with a burning passion, who gave the most poignant and simple eulogy for her. This episode was the critical moment for cementing a new hope for everyone, a lingering threat for the Planetary Union, and so many more stories for seasons to come.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now before I go to the number one spot, The episodes that are Honorable mentions are every other episode in the series that didn't make this list. They have their strong and weak points, and they were too good to be on this list. Now that I have said that, I give you all...

(Cut to the Planetary Union's Logo as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The number one BEST episode, So Far, Of The Orville...

1) Identity Parts 1 & 2

(Cut to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This episode raised the stakes for the series and set it up to be more than just a Sci-Fi Spoof of Star Trek. Isaac and Dr. Claire Finn have just gotten Ty & Marcus' approval for their relationship when mysteriously, Isaac collapses. What happened? Apparently, Isaac just shut down because according to the programming he had in him. He had enough information for The Kaylon to decide whether or not to join the union. However, Ty, the younger of the Finn Brothers, played by Kai Wener, discovers a dark secret that changes the game. The Kaylon murdered the organic life forms, which leads The Kaylon to take over The Orville and head for the earth to wipe every living thing out! And that was in part one! In Part two, Isaac makes a decision that shows where his true loyalty is, and it is not with his people, by saving Ty from extermination. Yaphit, played by the late Norm MacDonald, also steps up by getting into a Kaylon to shut it down; Kelly and Gordon take the chance to convince the Krill that the Kaylon are their enemies and they need to unite. After reclaiming the ship, Mercer contacts the Union and calling this battle The Orville's version of the Battle Of Wolf 359 is not entirely inaccurate, but if I were on YouTube and I could show the clips without copyright claims, I would play the battle with Sabotage by The Beastie Boys in it as well, it was that damned awesome! When The Krill come in to rescue them, it was the first time enemies could call themselves comrades in arms. And while yes, in the third season, Teleya screwed the pooch by becoming the Chancellor and saying there would be no way in hell between the warring races for peace. It looked like the seeds were sown for one brief, shining moment, hoping that a mutual enemy could make them see how much they were alike. As For Isaac, he was alone, now having to rebuild his reputation and rebuilding bonds that were broken when his people came to wipe us out. To say that this two-part episode was so imperative to the series' future is putting it mildly. It raised the stakes for the series. The development that came from this two-parter helped shape the next season, and if everyone is right, we're going to get more great battles and more great seasons to come, all because of enemies coming together to stop a common threat and hopes for peace were possible. 

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And even though I put every other episode from the series in the Honorable mentions portion, if you want to tell me which of those episodes are your favorites. Let me know why in the comments section. Now, if I haven't made it clear enough, I LOVE THIS SERIES, AND IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, WHAT IN THE NAME OF SAMUEL LANGFORD HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! (Cut to clips of The Orville as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
You are straight up missing out on one of the best Sci-Fi series, not just in this century but since the advent of Sci-Fi! The writing is amazing! The acting is superb! The Production Value is used perfunctorily; everything about this series is PERFECT! Check it out on either Hulu or Disney+ and see Star Trek perfected in a way that Gene Roddenberry, at his most sensible, would be proud to call The Orville its spiritual successor! (Cut to James and everyone from The Orville)

Captain Ed Mercer:
As glad as I am to see you have enjoyed our adventures, You sounded very irritated about how certain episodes wound up. I mean, if you were trying to vent about the negatives in order to enjoy the positives, then I understand, and just so you're aware, we did our research while you were doing your thing. Things do get better for you. And for the record...

TLOTA:
You can't tell me! I understand! ORAC! Take care of them.

ORAC (Audio only):
I will do my best to assist the Planetary Union from where I am now. But you, your team, and I still have a long way to go. 

Lt. Cmdr. Bortus:
I must ask Why the events involving Topa and my family were at the Number 7 spot.

TLOTA:
In my culture, the number 7 is a good and lucky number.

Lt. Cmdr. Bortus:
In the Moclan culture, the number 7 is something you may not be aware of. 

TLOTA:
Guess So. I guess this is it. It has been a pleasure meeting all of you. (The environmental simulator doors open.) Guess this is goodbye. (Everyone says their goodbyes, and everyone walks away) Before you go, remember this, I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion! (James presses a button that shuts off the holographic connection in the Environmental Simulator. Cut to The Orville as it continues to fly through the stars. Fade To Black)

Monday, August 15, 2022

"The Punisher" and The Punishment of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

(Scene begins with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Kent Lilly and Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame, moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear, and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos, and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving toward the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written by James Faraci with assistance from Steve Kidd, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions, Directed by James Faraci” as it ends, the Laser beam disappears, and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the term “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans, and half of team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James placing three Blu-Ray cases on an indoor shooting range as James pulls out the double-barreled handgun and loads the gun. James then proceeds to shoot two of the cases. Cut to James)

TLOTA
Very well then, let’s do it! (A voice says, “Do what?” off-screen as James turns and screams, and then Julia Alexa Miller has a sonic scream which shatters James’ eardrums and glasses. James then proceeds to fix his hearing and replace his glasses, then sighs.) Alex, you need to be careful; I was setting up which PUNISHER movie I want to review. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she walks to James)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I’m sorry, but Chad called me to talk to you about directing that game show idea… (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Which he didn’t come up with; he purchased the rights from those guys so he can rework it to his advantage. I mean, that game show was good and funny, but I think he’s out to drive me out of what’s left of my marbles. I am trying to get my projects going, and he’s trying to get me into his stuff which slows my projects down to a grinding halt. Then I am…

 (Cut to James in his office having to write how to reinvent that game show to be more of his concept without changing too much of the structure.)

TLOTA:
How did this happen? No, seriously, I was talking to Alex, and the next thing I know, I am dealing with fixing Chad Narducci’s mess! This is insanity! It’s…it’s… It’s just frigging Punishment! (Cut to the title screen of the Thomas Jane PUNISHER movie, then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Made around the same time as movies like DAREDEVIL and the 20th Century Fox-based Fantastic Four movies with Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, and Michael Chiklis. THE PUNISHER tells the take of former Government agent Frank Castle as he goes on a one-man crusade to take “Punishment” on those who slaughtered his family like cattle! But how far can this movie go, and where does it go from Uber-Violent to Uber-Ridiculous? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let’s see what we’ve gotten ourselves into this is… The Punisher! (Cut to The Punisher as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
One thing I want to give praise to right off the bat is the score as done by Carlo Siliotto. It is so amazing that if it weren’t in this movie, it would be in one of Sergio Leone’s Spaghetti Westerns. But I digress; the movie opens in Tampa, Florida, as we see an illegal arms deal goes down the drain, with one of the dealers being an undercover FBI agent named Frank Castle, played by Thomas Jane. Which happens to be his retirement sting. One of those killed in the crossfire is named Bobby Saint. This happens to get the attention of Bobby’s daddy Howard Saint played by John Travolta. We cut to Frank and his family in Puerto Rico for a family reunion. His father, played by Roy Scheider, is happy to see everyone there. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And seeing as how this is The Punisher, Frank’s family has how much longer before they buy it? (Cut to a still of Frank’s family and ding with text saying “Until the end of the first act.” Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Thought so. (Cut to The Punisher as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
 Howard soon discovers the identity of Frank Castle. Howard’s wife, Livia, played by Laura Harring, decides that Frank’s family has to buy it. Meanwhile, Frank’s son decided to gift his father with the trademark shirt. However, this is the last good thing in Frank’s life as… UH-OH! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
ORAC! SIGNAL EVERYONE TO HIT THE DIRT! (Klaxons blare as everyone grabs a helmet, with the exception of Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?! (Cut to the movie as bullets are flying, and it cuts to Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
OH CRAP! WHAT’S GOING ON?! (Cut to James as he hides under his desk.)

TLOTA:
FRANK CASTLE’S FAMILY IS BUYING IT IN A STORM OF BULLETS BY HOWARD SAINT’S MEN! I THINK NOW IS THE TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK! (Cut to everyone else as they shout, “YA THINK?!” The scene fades to black it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So after a flurry of bullets and a truck running over Frank’s wife and son. Frank is shot and presumed dead at the hands of Howard Saint’s men. Miraculously Frank survives and takes a few months to heal under the guidance of a local fisherman. With the FBI and local police afraid of retaliation from Saint, The Castle slaughter goes cold. We cut to months later as Frank returns to grab his weight in guns and weapons and, of course, the Skull shirt his son got for daddy. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And yeah, the new Skull shirt Frank has in the comics is an awful Rorschach image in comparison to the simplistic skull on the Punisher’s shirt. (Cut to The Punisher as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Frank sets up his new place in Florida with everything for his brand of Justice. Living with Spacker Dave, played by Ben Foster, Bumpo, played by John Pinette, and Joan, played by Rebecca Romijn. As the first person on Frank’s list is Mickey played Eddie Jemison with Mickey thinking he’s getting hit with a blowtorch! When in reality, Frank is cooking himself a steak while hitting Mickey in the back with a popsicle. Turning on the Saints, Mickey becomes Frank’s inside man and spills on EVERYTHING about Howard Saint and his family. (Show Mickey telling everything about Howard, Livia, their living son Johnny Saint and Quentin Glass as we see he is homosexual. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
So Glass is part of the LGBTQIA+ community, I’m fine with that! (Cut to The Punisher as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Frank sends Howard Saint the calling card that he is back and will take them on! Frank also decides to let the public know he’s disgusted with what is happening with his family’s murder case and is going to take matters into his own hands. His next move is to take several million dollars from some Cuban associates of Saint’s. After trying to drown his sorrows in Wild Turkey, one of Joan’s exes decides to come in and force himself onto Joan, ending with Frank beating him the way he deserves to be beaten. Meanwhile, Howard decides to put a bounty on Frank’s head. One day as Joan is working at a restaurant, Bumpo, Dave, and Frank get a bite as they're joined by a hitman named Harry Heck, played by Mark Collie the best way to describe Harry Heck is? Imagine Johnny Cash; instead of becoming one of the greatest Country musicians of all time, he became a badass hitman with a song for every single person on his list! That’s Harry Heck! (Show clip of Harry Heck playing “In Time”. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
I was somewhat joking about that, but sometimes I can be accurate! (Cut to The Punisher as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Harry tries to kill Frank; however, Frank decides to bring a gas-pressured knife to a gunfight with Harry. During a money run, Frank decides to mine the money and the boat it was gonna ride on! Now going nuts over what Frank is doing to him, Howard decides to bring in his big gun! After a minor moment of the people in the building having dinner together, which includes an Ice Florentine. Frank meets Howard’s big gun, The Russian played by Kevin Nash! And the brawl they have, you have to see to believe.  (Show the brawl between The Russian and Frank. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Believe it or not, this fight nearly took the spot that the Iron Man vs. Rhodey battle in Iron Man 2 on my funniest fights list back in May of 2015 because when you try to balance the sheer, unadulterated violence of that brawl with Bumpo, Dave, and Joan making Ice Florentine with an Italian Operetta, it’s kind of silly. (Cut to The Punisher as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
That’s not to say that the brawl between the two doesn’t have its fair share of silly moments. Like when Frank’s face is saying, “Is this really happening?!” as The Russian picks him up like a rag doll or when Frank tosses a grenade, and The Russian decides to hit it out of the park and back to Frank is kind of ridiculous. Or when The Russian tries to break Frank’s head off his neck with the refrigerator’s door. Or when Frank tries to just straight up shoot the dude, The Russian takes a barbell and bends the barrel of the handgun, and Frank’s expression is basically saying, “For the love of peat moss, can’t I get a break?” which he does as he tosses a pot of boiling hot water onto The Russian’s face then hits the dude with a spear that’d give Roman Reigns, Bill Goldberg, and Edge a run for their money. The Russian dies, and Frank…? (Show the moment in which Frank collapses. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
He might as well be after a beating like that! (Cut to The Punisher as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Frank gets stitched up just in time for Saint’s men to find where he’s living and to witness Dave’s loyalty by not saying anything but winds up getting all those piercings ripped out of his face. Finally, having had enough of Howard Saint, Frank makes a declaration of his intent to Punish Howard Saint once and for all! Starts off with Frank enacting his next step by sowing the seeds of distrust in Howard through Mickey as he hands photos of what appears to be Quentin Glass with Livia Saint and a pair of Earrings Howard gave to Livia. Howard decides to gut Quentin like a trout, and as for Livia, well… (Cut to Livia’s death. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, something to note, in earlier prints of this scene, Livia’s scream of falling happened after the fall and before she dies via Train slaughter. So, they must have fixed it in the recent printings of the movie on either Blu-Ray or Digital. (Cut to The Punisher as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Howard Saint offers a reward to put Frank Castle out of his existence once and for all. However, Frank begins his final assault on Howard Saint’s existence. (Show clip of Frank Castle as he kills, and a death counter appears on the corner of the screen. At one point, the kill counter says, “Equal to a Rambo movie” as the numbers continue to climb as the bodies, the death counter says, “Equal to a John Wick Movie.” Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) After that slaughter, Frank and Howard have one final confrontation where Frank wounds him and then blows up a strategic number of cars as Howard Saint is dragged to hell leaving behind the Skull logo and the smell of Lemon and Pine! Afterward, as it looks like Frank is about to end himself, a memory of his wife looking at him and begging not for Frank to end himself saves him from dying. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Which if he did could’ve avoided “War Zone,” Just saying there, Cochiese. (Cut to The Punisher as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And with that, Frank decides to hit the road, leaving Joan, Bumpo, and Dave enough money to fix the place after the whopper of the brawl that happened earlier: telling Joan that they must look in the Obituaries if they want to find his handiwork! (Show clip of Frank Castle making his declaration and saying, “Frank Castle is Dead! Call me…The Punisher!” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was The Punisher! It was possibly the most perfect movie to feature the character! (Cut to clips of the Thomas Jane PUNISHER movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It balanced the ultra-violent attitude of the character with the grittiness it deserves. John Travolta definitely has a standout performance as Howard Saint. Balancing out the suave, sophistication, and subtle nuances with the violent and psychotic tendencies of Howard Saint. Thomas Jane perfectly encapsulates every ounce of Frank Castle in his performance. Honestly, you need to see this movie if you haven't seen it. It may have come out during a period when Comic Book movies weren’t where they aren’t now but trust me, this movie could come out today on a Streaming service, and it would be as awesome! I strongly suggest you find it and see a movie that is worth your enjoyment. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Now, if you guys will excuse me, I have a Game Show pilot to direct and… (Cut to James as he goes to Chad’s office.) I happen to have the test audience reaction notes. Care to take a look, Chad? (Cut to Chad as he grabs them.)

Chad Narducci:
As a matter of fact, I would. (Mumbles to himself for a few seconds) “I had more fun sitting and watching a pilot based on the movie “Clerks” which was nothing like the movie” (Mumbles for a few seconds) “Would’ve had more fun watching a sitcom in which Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun lived next to Jewish neighbors?” (Chad tosses the notes to the table) Do you know something? I think I know what the problem is. It’s you; where’s your enthusiasm for trying new things?  (Cut to James as Chad continues to tell James that he is not creative or lacks the drive to succeed then it echoes as Chad says how much he made James and how much Chad has done and how much James owes Chad which becomes the straw that breaks James’ back and finally, after everything Chad has put James through, James drops the F-Bomb as it cuts to the First Presbyterian Church in Liberty NY as the clock tower bell rings then it cuts to downtown then to The Yaun house.)

Mr. & Mrs. Yaun (In unison):
My word that was the loudest profanity I ever heard! (Cut to James and Chad)

TLOTA:
I OWE YOU?! I OWE YOU?!! DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT LACK OF CREATIVITY? TALK ABOUT NO DRIVE TO SUCCEED?! TALK ABOUT HOW I LACK ENTHUSIASM?! YOU DICK! I VOLUNTARILY PROMOTED “LIFE AS A MERMAID”!  I COULD’VE STOPPED AFTER THE SEASON I HELPED WITH YOUR CROWDFUNDING PROJECT! AND I THOUGHT BECAUSE I WAS CLOSE ENOUGH WITH YOU GUYS, YOU COULD FUND SOMETHING I WANTED TO DO SINCE 2020! BUT YOU SHUT DOWN VALIDUS! YOU KNEW THAT MY PROJECT WOULD’VE KEPT YOUR COMPANY GOING INDEFINITELY! IT WOULD’VE LED TO ME BECOMING YOUR COMPANY’S MASCOT AND FINANCIAL WINDFALL WHICH WOULD HAVE LED TO YOU MAKING MORE SERIES, MORE MOVIES, MORE OF EVERYTHING YOU COULD’VE DONE, AND WOULD HAVE LED TO A GREAT BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP WITH JAMES DANIEL WALSH AND MANIC EXPRESSION.COM, SO HE AND EVERYONE ELSE COULD HAVE A CHANCE TO SUCCEED! BUT NO! YOU SHUT DOWN YOUR BUSINESS THE SECOND I COME AROUND WITH MY PROJECTS! YOU WANT TO DO YOUR THING? THEN FORM A SUBSIDIARY COMPANY THROUGH MINE! YOU DESTROYED MY REPUTATION FOR QUALITY WORK AND RELIABLE SERVICE! HOW DARE YOU! I HAVE BENT OVER BACKWARDS TO APPEASE YOU, AND WHAT HAS THAT LED ME TO?! IT HAS LED ME TO BAD RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY FAMILY! I HAVE HEALTH PROBLEMS! I HAVE TO HEAR EVERYONE COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON! AND BECAUSE I HAVE NO SAY OR ABILITY TO STOP YOU. I HAVE BEEN TRYING LIKE HELL TO REGAIN THE POWER SO I CAN GET THINGS DONE, NARDUCCI! (Julia Alexa Miller walks in and shouts “ENOUGH!” with James and Chad being thrown to separate corners in the office.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Chad, we’ve been friends for so long but you push James hard enough and this will be the least he does to hurt you. And you James, earlier this year, you asked me if you have become a joke and I can now honestly say, “YES!”.  (Chad says “HA!” in the background) SHUT UP! And I can say that because you are becoming no different than every other dinosaur in your vocation. And I understand that evolving is hard. But it has to happen to you just like the rest of the world. I’ve seen this happen before, with me! Did I want to direct Life As A Mermaid forever? No. I wanted to do more, which includes photography and the photo tutorials. I evolved; everything is evolving, even the powers inside of me. Why aren’t you trying to evolve?

TLOTA:
I have been busting my ass for nine years. I have had setbacks and times when I wanted to give up. I have been trying to evolve. Everyone wants me to evolve, I get that, but I need support. I want to get the next level, but I need everyone on my team to help ease the transition. I also need to get my big project off the ground. If you want to help, then do so. If not, let go of the ownership of my production company so I can get things done, otherwise I will shut down everything by the end of the year!


Sunday, July 17, 2022

"Public Enemies" Number One and two "Superman & Batman"

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators' original run play. The camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Outside of the Live-Action movies, I think I am a little harsh on D.C. Comics and the media they are producing. (Cut to clips of Superman & Lois, The Flash, Supergirl, Legends Of Tomorrow, Black Lightning, and Arrow as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I mean, a lot of their series are good. Arrow had a lot of fantastic episodes. Black Lightning was a good series; part of the reason I'm doing this review is to see if we can get Legends Of Tomorrow back and continue. Melissa Benoist and her Supergirl Series were a big reason I can like Supergirl again. Even though The Flash is still going, I think it has lost a lot of its speed. But a highlight for me is Superman & Lois because it's not a Superman series in the usual sense. It's a drama about a family who had to uproot themselves to discover who they truly are and where they fit in. And for my money, Tyler Hoechlin is KILLING it as Superman and Clark Kent, who have to try and be there for his wife Lois Lane, played by Elizabeth "Bitsie" Tulloch, and twin sons Jonathan and Jordan, played by Jordan Elsass, and Alex Garfin. You need to see the series if you haven't seen it. (Cut to the DC Animated movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Also in this column of really great entertainment which has continued to be of quality work are their straight-to Blu-Ray, DVD & Digital Animated movies. Many of them remain some of my favorites, including Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm, Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker, The Death, and Return Of Superman. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
 There is a movie that forces Superman and Batman to work together to clear their names after a corrupt President Luthor declares them public enemies No. 1 & 2. I'll let you figure out which is which. (Cut to Title Card for Superman/Batman Public Enemies, then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman/Batman Public Enemies is based on the comic book storyline series at the time involving the two and Lex Luthor as the President of our country. And given the Presidents we've been dealing with, He may just be the least evil choice in the history of Presidential Electorates, which is saying something impossible. But what is it that forces Superman and Batman to team up and find out what in the Samuel Langford Hell is going on! And how without question, they have to defy a Government to protect a planet. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's not waste time; this is Superman/Batman Public Enemies! (Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens as we hear about how our country has gone to hell just as Lex Luthor announces his candidacy for the presidency, and yeah, this movie must have had a crystal ball because the people thought the Devil you know is better than the one that screwed you several times over as guess what?! Lex wins in a landslide! He then suggests all the Superheroes sign on to work for him. He gets Black Lightning, played by LeVar Burton,  Captain Atom, played by Xander Berkley, Major Force, played by Ricardo Antonio Chavira, and Power Girl, played by... (Cut to James physically as he looks up and sees who plays Power Girl)

TLOTA:
ONE ORDER OF UNCOMFORTABLENESS, PLEASE! (Cut to stills of Chloe Sullivan from Smallville and Allison Mack as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah, I had to talk about Smallville a few years ago, defending it. I also had to break character to try and handle the situation that Allison Mack, who played Chloe Sullivan on Smallville, was involved in. Once the series ended, she found herself in a career freefall, then found herself in a Sex Cult, and was arrested for trafficking. At the time, I was somewhat hopeful she would be able to get her life and career back on track. While it did take time to do so, and I wished her the best, I was lambasted for it and my defense of the show/loving the finale. That being said, I will try to be as objective in this review as her character and in the movie.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
That being said, let's get back to the review. (Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
 We cut to a few months down the road as things have been looking up as Superman, played by Tim Daly, stops a common crime as Luthor's hired heroes to come by to try to convince Superman that Lex is not as bad. However, after fighting Lex for so long, Superman would rather hang out with The Friggin Joker than trust Lex Luthor! Meanwhile, Lex and the Government discover an asteroid made of Kryptonite that's gonna hit our planet, and judging by the sheer size of the sucker, this one makes the one from Armageddon look tiny in comparison.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since Bruce Willis is now out of action permanently, there's no drilling team to save the day. There are only the heroes of DC to call upon...(Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah, Luthor decides to hold a press conference to see if Superman will help. And it's here Batman voiced by Kevin Conroy, verifies that this Kryptonite asteroid is massive and not even with enough Lead from every Nuclear power plant, Hospital, and every ounce mined out of the earth wouldn't help Superman. So it is with great reluctance that Superman meets with Luthor and his bodyguard Metallo as played by... (Show a pic of John C. McGinley from Scrubs. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Wow, this is actually going to give me the ability to use at least nine years worth of accumulated backlogged hours of Dr. Cox clips.
(Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Lex tells Metallo to stop Superman and (Cut to Dr. Cox "Whack-A-Newbie" audio clip as Metallo begins to fight Superman). Metallo has the upper hand, and instead of continuing on the battle (Cut to Dr. Cox audio clip of him saying "Ladies and Gentlemen, Man Not Caring!" then an audio clip of Dr. Cox making a blaring noise as the fight continues. The fight continues as Metallo breaks out the heavy-duty weapons as Dr. Cox says "I guarantee your life will come to an abrupt and very unnatural end". Metallo tosses Superman as the sound of Dr. Cox's disturbing chuckle happens, and Metallo gets up as the Dr. Cox clip of him saying "Hi Honey!") As Superman gets up to try to think of his next move, Metallo hunts Superman as Batman joins the fray. (Show the fight continuing as Dr. Cox Audio clip of him saying, "OKAY! NOW JUST BECAUSE JORDAN THINKS IT'S CUTE THAT YOU'RE VIOLATING HER LITTLE SISTER, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN USE MY GUEST ROOM FOR YOUR NERDY G-RATED SEXCAPADES! AND OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LITTLE BOY? YOU SICK, SICK BASTARD! FILTHY BOY! FILTHY GIRL! FILTHY GIRL!"  Metallo shoots Superman and is stuck with bombs as Dr. Cox audio clip of him whistling "Super" as an explosion happens, and Metallo then buries Superman and Batman.) Batman and Superman are buried as the dialogue between them become almost Tarantino-esque. While I would love to hear a full audio moment of Tim Daly and Kevin Conroy doing the whole Jules and Vincent opening monologues from Pulp Fiction one day, I know where my focus has to be as Metallo is confronted by someone lurking in the shadows. (Show clip of Metallo as the Dr. Cox audio clip of him saying "Worth it" plays. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Wow, that got me... (James looks in a box) EGADS! I only made a small dent in the accumulated backlogged hours of Dr. Cox Clips. Well, here's hoping I find more clips for Dr. Cox to give me pleasure. I can think of one, but I will hold out until the end. 
(Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Batman and Superman make it back to the Batcave, where Alfred heals them up, and it's there they hear Luthor's latest press conference where he discovered Metallo Barbequed and then puts it squarely on Superman's shoulders, saying somehow The Kryptonite Meteorite's radiation exposure has made him Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and has put a billion dollar bounty on the Man of Steel! Superman and Batman will have to figure out how to stop the meteor while fighting everyone off the bounty, how Metallo bit the dust, and how to clear their names before it becomes too late. Power Girl tries to rationalize how in the years since becoming President, Luthor has done his job. Superman and Batman make it to STAR Labs as they find out that someone with radioactive heat vision is the culprit of Metallo's demise. However, they don't have much time to figure that part out as guards and supervillains come out of the woodwork to get their hands on Superman and Batman. Even the Silver Banshee is out there to get her hands on Superman. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And for those who are wondering why Silver Banshee's sonic screams aren't affecting me... Well, have you seen my reviews where Alex gets angry and fricassees either myself or someone else? 
(Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
With literally everyone, including Mr. Kitch Nsink coming out to collect the bounty. Captain Atom and the other Luthor-employed heroes come to arrest Superman. However, it's round 428 as Batman must take on Luthor's heroes, and somehow in the process, it's discovered that Major Force was the one to turn Metallo into Slag! Major Force goes on the attack as his suit is ruptured by a punch from Power Girl. Captain Atom absorbs the power before it turns Metropolis into a crater! Meanwhile, Luthor's Missile plans work about as well as Deep Impact did after coming out after Armageddon. Luthor tells the people, not to panic, which is the same as ringing a dinner bell for chaos! Superman and Batman make it to the hideout just as OH NO! NOT SHAZAM AND HAWKMAN?! Didn't they hear from Black Lightning, Katana, or anyone that Superman wasn't the one to 86 Metallo? Whatever is going on, Superman and Batman fight Hawkman and Shazam as Amanda Waller, played by CCH Pounder, discovers that Lex Luthor has been doing some Kryptonite juicing, which has made him go even further round the bend carrying a DecaOctotrillion ton of Crazy with him. However, as Lex tries to talk to Shazam and Hawkman, it is, in fact, Superman and Batman incognito wanting the data on the meteor. However, Luthor deletes it instead. Remember, he's gone cuckoo; on the other hand, Waller had a backup for Batman and Waller's mutual associate. Waller tries to arrest Luthor however, even though he's cuckoo, it doesn't mean he's stupid as he has his Supersuit ready just in case. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Again, this is Lex Luthor we're talking about, so yeah. He would have it at his beck and call. 
(Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman and Batman make it to Japan, where they meet Hiro, AKA The Toyman, to help with stopping the asteroid. Having little time, Hiro puts together a mecha zord combination of Superman and Batman as the device to destroy the asteroid! (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Now imagine that! A Mecha Superman/Batman Zord! That is so many levels of awesome! 
(Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
But leave it to the Cuckoo train that it is President Lex Luthor to come in and try to stop them. With the autopilot Kaput, Batman decides to make the hero play and launches The SuperBatman Megazord into the asteroid! Pissed that Batman is going to die because of Luthor. The kid gloves come off as Superman, and Luthor fights it out again! Superman knocks Luthor's super suit off in pieces, then tells the President, He's just been impeached! As the Asteroid is reduced to dust, Power Girl tells Superman there is a chance that Batman may have survived, and by may have, that means "Of course, he did!" as Superman helps Batman land the Batjet with Superman Logo on it. The two are cleared of Metallo's murder, Luthor is thrown into prison until he is impeached and imprisoned, and Batman returns to the shadows as Lois and Superman enjoy the first new morning together. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
And that was Superman/Batman Public Enemies. It was awesome, and I loved it. 
(Cut to clips of Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While looking like a combo of a Saturday Morning Cartoon and Weekday Afternoon Anime, the animation is awesome. The voice acting is superb, and the action was awesome. The dialogue between Superman and Batman was very well handled, especially since Kevin Conroy, Tim Daly, and Clancy Brown have known their parts for so long that they fit like a glove. If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for? Get it on DVD, Blu-Ray, or even Digital and witness two of DC's greatest defend their names against a President who sold us a bill of goods. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And just so I can get it out of me, that while many of you think the last guy in the office is the reason for everything going to hell. Let me get this out right here, right now, every little thing that is going wrong is happening under the current administration, and BOY, When we choose poorly, we deserve what is happening! So it is here I give you this Dr. Cox clip. (Show clip of Dr. Cox's "I Told You So" Dance. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Man, I've wanted to use that clip. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion!