Thursday, May 11, 2023

Reality Checkout: The MOTHER of all of the "K"'s "Gosselin"

(Scene begins as a hand as it taps the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome once again to Reality Checkout! (Cut to James as he walks around and comes to Chad Narducci's office; he storms in and sees red as he hands Chad Narducci a bill from Amazon that James had to pay, and James looks to see what Chad had bought, which has James even Angrier, and he tosses all of the purchases which were Reality TV Series on DVD into the most disgusting trashcan, and James tosses in small amounts of Flammable liquids and tosses a grenade, and it explodes with the slime and remnants of the DVDs spelling out Reality Checkout as the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the foreground. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Let me say the following, I am a feminist; I support women, especially those who use their abilities and voices for the betterment of all. Those who use their abilities and voices for the betterment of themselves and then use what they have to act uncontrollably and make everyone's life a nightmare, THEN I will go and give you the ration of shit you wish to serve everyone who doesn't kowtow to you because guess what, YOU'RE NOT A QUEEN! YOU ARE THOSE ANNOYING NIGHTMARES THAT CAUSE MEN TO JUMP OFF THE GRAND CANYON! However, I will not call you by the popular term, partly due to the fact that the term is a certain person in my family with that name. Instead, I will call you what you are, KATE GOSSELINS! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.): And believe it or not, this is something I meant to do, even in my MySpace days, a follow-up to talk about this cold-blooded venomous demon woman who drove her husband to infidelity, drove men to either Alcohol and eventual taking of their own lives or just trying to hire a "Contractor" to coin the phrase to "Handle" Kate Gosselin and that was back in the day she had her fifteen seconds of infamy! Nowadays, she occasionally pops up on a reality show, and her tenure doesn't last long, THANKFULLY! But again, back in the day, she tried to be on any and every show to basically emasculate her long-time Ex-Husband, Jon, and for the record, He's no saint either! But today, to help jumpstart my tenth anniversary, I will do something for this mother of eight kids that no one in their right mind would do then or now! Give her one last drop of notoriety before someone FINALLY puts her out of everyone's misery! And full disclosure, I didn't like her back in my MySpace days, so believe me, I will show her even less mercy than before! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now to understand this evil creature, we must start at the beginning of her existence! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)

Kate was born or spawned from the depths of hell in Pennsylvania in 1975. While working as an OB-GYN nurse at the Reading Hospital and Medical Center, at a company picnic, she met Jon Gosselin; sparks flew from the get-go, and in 1999, the couple married. After fertility treatment in 2000, the couple welcomed twins prematurely, and later she would end up with SIX MORE KIDS AGAIN PREMATURELY! And apparently, this got them on a reality series called "Home Delivery," in which their episode was not well received. OH, HOW I WONDER WHY?! However, SOMEONE who was either completely in league with the demon spawn that brought Kate out into the world or with the dark lords that allowed her birth to happen somehow watched that episode and gave the family a two-special deal on Discovery Health and that, in turn, led the family to the reality show that turned "The Learning Channel" into the "TLC" that few people watch today except to support the Reality Circus Sideshow series that we all know about and HOPEFULLY very few watch to this day! But, AGAIN, back in the day, this series made the network into what it is today. As the series went on, we saw Kate light the fuse that would lead to her family's destruction. She used the fame from the show to make herself look better and tell me, if you have seen one of those K women, you have seen that haircut before! And if you look at the clips of How Kate emasculated Jon on the series as the series goes on, TELL ME, you have not seen those K women do that to SO many men and others! Well, now every man and person negatively affected by those K women know who to either go after or, if you are one of those K women, then you know who to praise for being able to be as evil as she was. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now you're probably thinking, what did Kate do that those K women haven't done. Well, Kate made it a popular thing to do, or rather, for those K women, it allowed them the ability to get away with that crap! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.): She drove her husband, who, as far as I'm concerned, is no different than the former Mrs. Gosselin, to infidelity, and again, She is no saintly woman, except for those K women, she thought she could act the way she could and be with other men! It's no surprise that the tabloids went on a rabid foaming frenzy. Of course, when things were televised, the audience didn't seem that surprised, nor would they be sympathetic to either of these cheating scumballs. So when they decided to divorce, it gave people more of a reason to despise both of the adults and be afraid for the wellbeing of the children. And when Jon left the series, it was retooled as "Kate plus Eight!" which only those K women really enjoyed. As for everyone else, the audience left the series in droves! And when it got canned, everyone rejoiced! However, two things remained after the end of the series, and neither was the better thing in the series. The first of the two things was Kate, who went on a Reality TV tear trying to recapture the glory and "Fix her reputation" and make her "Sympathetic," which neither happened! Everyone around her just did all they could to keep them sane while being around her until she wound up on "Dancing With The Stars" as she became the Marquis de Sade, and the judges had to deal with her for several weeks as if they were being tormented by the Spanish Inquisition! (Cut to James and a trio of priests from the Spanish Inquisition as the Monty Python shock music of the Spanish Inquisition comes in someplace in James' office)

The Grand Inquisitor: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

TLOTA: Maybe Monty Python fans like myself! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.): As I was saying, I felt bad for the judges, especially the late Len Goodman, and it appeared that after that and an attempt to get Kate a new punching bag and one last appearance in a competition show, She thankfully has since faded away, hopefully for good. Her influence, unfortunately, has not gone away. It has led to those K women becoming an evil unto themselves! Though there have been people who have been fighting back. Quinn Pratt, NO RELATION TO CHRIS, has been telling tales about those K women and his family and how they have fought them like the cancer they are to feminism. There are tales of women who have been giving those K women Tsouris until they either back off or run off to be an asshole another day. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But for all we have done, they will still come like nobody's business until we take Kate Gosselin and show her the evil she has unleashed and force her to see what she has done to the human race, what she has done to set the clocks back on so much civility between males and females, what she has done to give crazy people a voice and a face to emulate, what she has done to her family AND then let her children know that what she and their dad did was wrong. (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.): And what's worse, while Jon, who is still a D-Bag, may have asked for his children's forgiveness, Kate either cannot or does not have such compassion. And it will be Mother's Day by the time this comes out. I don't envy the cards she'll get from her children if they even think she's worth their time to waste on such a cold-blooded, inhuman, unholy, vile, despicable, profane, sacrilegious, infernal demon spawn of a person that gave birth to possibly eight of the most screwed up children to ever exist! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: This is why I say this to any Reality TV producer desperate for someone to have a face for their show, do yourself a favor, and not only do you not consider Kate Gosselin for your reality tv project, chuck her ass to the curb and tell Kate Gosselin the mother of all of those K women that until she gets humbled and sees the evils she has done, tell her to check out PERMANENTLY from reality tv! (A Loud shaking sensation is felt and seen on the building as James sees a mob of Angry, Crazy, and Sadistically WRONG women emulating their Icon, Kate Gosselin, outside the front door wanting to Bobbitize James)

TLOTA: Well, I seem to have gotten their attention, now to call the police and have them charged for making false claims, attempted murder, and anything else I can charge them with. And don't expect to hear from me until June for my tenth-year anniversary! I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion.

Wednesday, May 3, 2023

"S Club 7" The Hard Way

(Scene begins as a hand as it taps the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James sitting and looking at a photo. Cut to the photo of the S Club 7 with Paul in Black and White. Cut to James as he looks at the photo and puts it down.) 


TLOTA: 
Yeah, I might as well address something that has been something I am dealing with. On April 6, 2023, lovers of what could be considered by today’s standards cheesy Millenium pop music got hit with a bolo punch to the stomach with the death of Paul Cattermole from S Club 7. (Cut to stills and concert footage of the S Club 7 as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
His death couldn’t have come at a worse time. The S Club 7 were planning a twenty-fifth-anniversary reunion tour, and there were rumors of their old series and specials going onto a streaming service like Britbox or somewhere like that, and at the time of this review’s post, The S Club’s tour is apparently still on, as a tribute their fallen friend and band mate and I, for one of the few fans of the band here in the states, am glad to hear that. (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
Now, if you’re wondering, I said, “One of the few fans of the band here in the States”, that’s because their music only charted once, stateside, but I will get to that later; internationally, they hit the charts with so many songs that would’ve gotten into the twenties, maybe the teens on the Billboard charts. But for the fans of the band here in the States, they were more well known for their TV series that basically led The Family Channel to where it is today, now known as “Freeform” (Cut to the title cards of “S Club 7 in Miami”, “S Club 7: Back To The ‘50’s”, “S Club 7: Boyfriends and Birthdays”, “S Club 7 in L.A.”, “S Club 7 Artistic Differences”, “S Club 7 Christmas Special”,” S Club 7 Go Wild”, “S Club 7 in Hollywood” & “S Club” then to clips from all of those shows as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
By 1998 The Family Channel's founding company CBN, sold The Family Channel to Fox. One of the first shows for the newly minted “Fox Family Channel” was a British import that was known internationally as “Miami 7,” which sounds more like a gang than a series of a show, it was retitled “S Club 7 in Miami” for a more clear and palatable title, and they did that type of retitling, save for “Wild,” and the series lasted a while as “Fox Family” morphed from that to “ABC Family” and ended before its current network title “Freeform”. But did all those changes affect the quality of the series? Did the series affect the band’s chances of hitting the Billboard charts here in the States? Does any of the series hold up to today’s standards? (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
Let’s start off our adventure with (What was known here in the States.) “S Club 7 in Miami” (Cut to the series as James does a voiceover and a disclaimer that the clips were from YouTube Bootlegs.) 



TLOTA (V.O.): 
The first series starts off with an intro with the band poolside in a hotel performing their song “Bring It All Back” as we’re quickly introduced to the band members by their first names. Also, no real pilot that shows how the band came together in the first place sorry. The first episode shows the S Club 7 not even being able to fill a theater in a school gymnasium. Demoralized by their lack of management, the Seven, Tina Barrett, Hannah Spearritt, Jo O’Meara, Rachel Stevens, Bradley Mcintosh, Jon Lee, and the now deceased Paul Cattermole, read their management of the riot act! (Show clip of stock footage of destruction as the S Club 7 give their management Tsouris. Cut to the rest of the episode as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Meanwhile, at a rundown, a broken hotel called the “Florida Paradise Hotel,” the Borlotti Brothers, Howard, and Marvin, played by Alfie Wise and Paul Louis, are so financially in the red they’re close to closing the place down for good! Strangely, The S Club 7’s manager remembered Howard Borlotti in the usual Show business/ Hospitality type of underhanded deal. The band’s manager hands the S Club 7 to the Borlotti Brothers for the Summer. Depending on how you see it, the timing couldn’t be either worse or better, as Jon has apparently decided to leave the band to get “Proper Employment.” While everyone is momentarily suspicious about what their manager has in mind, the band ultimately signs for what they think is a Summer with fun in the sun, a chance to find someone who would sign the band away from their current management and get them a record deal. But before they hit Miami, Jon returned just in the nick of time, for better or worse. When they arrive, Marvin seems to be the more decent of the two, while Howard seems to think in stereotypical thoughts. (Cut to the rest of the series as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
After the second episode, the band asserts that their music is what they will play and have a say in the amount of practice time between their work hours. From that point forward, the band deal with their culture shock in the United States, dealing with Howard and the events at the hotel. Some of the more interesting moments include when the band had to deal with a Hurricane, borrowing their boss’ boat, and time traveling back to the 1970s in which the Hotel had of all people, believe it or not, Madonna, Cher, and FRIGGING ELVIS PRESLEY! WOW! There was an episode where the band had to go to court to stay employed at the Hotel. Maybe they had a small case of Stockholm Syndrome at that moment, or maybe they didn’t want to get deported and not be able to get to work in the United States anymore. Though I wish we had seen some part of the trial, especially if some of my friends were involved in the series. (Cut to a courtroom as John Ross Santos as he wears a Bowler’s Derby and his usual clothing and is getting ready to be sworn in by the Bailiff, played by Nick Yaun, and The Judge, played by Renee Miller.)  


The Bailiff: 
Take off your hat, raise your right hand, and place your left hand here. (James says off-screen, “Permission to approach my fellow witness.” which the Judge grants. James walks on screen wearing an open Hawaiian shirt, a fisherman’s/Gilligan hat, and his contractor blue jeans.) 


James Faraci: 
John, take off your hat! 


The Bailiff: 
Raise your right hand! 


James and The Bailiff (In Unison): 
Now put your left hand here! 


The Judge (Played by Renee Miller): 
Take...Off...YOUR...HAT! (John starts to grunt) 


James Faraci: 
RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND! 


The Bailiff: 
NOW PUT YOUR LEFT HAND HERE! 


Everyone in the court (In Unison): 
TAKE OFF YOUR HAT! 


The Bailiff: 
Raise your right hand! WILL YOU GET RID OF THAT HAT?! (John places the hat on the Bailiff) 


John Ross Santos: 
Raise your right hand! (John Nyuks for three seconds.) 


The Bailiff: 
RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND! Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? (John grunts. “Huh?”) 


James Faraci: 
He asks, “Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” 


John Ross Santos: 
What’s with double talk? 


James and The Bailiff (In Unison): 
Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? 


The Judge: 
Why aren’t you answering either of them? 


John Ross Santos: 
They’re speaking Habila Espanyol; I don’t have a clue as to what they’re saying? 


James Faraci: 
Permission to treat him as hostile. 


The Judge: 
Granted 


James Faraci: 
Picklebrain, the court is asking if you’ll swear. 


John Ross Santos: 
NO! But I know all the words! 


The Judge: 
HE’S ASKING IF YOU’LL SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH! 


John Ross Santos: 
Well, truth is stranger than fiction, Judge-y Wudge-y! 


James Faraci: 
Permission to give him a few Zets!  


The Judge: 
Granted (James slaps John with Three Stooges slapping sounds and then smacks him on the nose) 


James Faraci: 
ADDRESS THE COURT AS YOUR HONOR AND TAKE THE OATH! 


The Bailiff: 
Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? 


John Ross Santos: 
Soitenly, what have I to lose? 

(Cut to the rest of the series as James does a voiceover)  


TLOTA (V.O.):  
There was also an episode involving the band being sold to a hotel owned by Howard’s more successful but more cold-blooded cousin Hank in a card game, but that was a one-off episode and not central to that plot season. Which was for S Club 7, gaining survival instincts. Surviving being away from the ones you love and taking any opportunity to get out of their bad situation are some aspects that one may need in the entertainment business. The first series ends with the band happy they’re about done. However, Howard wants to keep the band in his grasp. After years of being in the red, his hotel is now finally seeing Green, and it is in good shape in terms of its service and maintenance. They meet up with a friend they made in an earlier episode entitled “Alien Hunter,” in which some of their filmings for an episode happened at the hotel. And judging by the scenes they had before they moved to Miami for some filming, it was “Doctor Who” with Michael Grade in control of the BBC! And we Whovians know about that debacle, but I digress; between clips of this season from what happened to this band and a discussion with Jill Ward, played by former Pop Star Cathy Dennis, everyone is starting to think about going to Los Angeles to see what they can do. Meanwhile, Howard discovers that one thing in his contract with the S Club 7’s management was done when they were done with Howard. However, the band still, at this point, has no clue as to what they want to do. Though the option of going to Los Angeles sounds like fun, they also wanted to go home and recharge their creative batteries and be with family, Howard wanted to keep them because he and Marvin were going down, and the band saved not only their hotel but also themselves. The S Club 7, after leaving Howard and Marvin, make the choice to go on the adventure and see where the American winds would take them. (Cut to James Physically) 


TLOTA: 
Where they would go next is through quite a lot. Starting with a second blast to the past and a stop that would make them grateful for the necessity to move on for one of them. Let’s check out “S Club 7: Back To The ‘50’s” & “S Club 7: Boyfriends & Birthdays” (Cut to clips of “S Club 7: Back To The ‘50’s” as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
The first special, after Miami, sees the band heading to California when they must’ve hit a mystical time-space portal as they go back to 1959 and must help a restaurant owner and his son as the local bully has the law on the take. Meaning that it’s up to the S Club 7 to do what the “Dukes Of Hazzard” did and race the Bully to show him the error of his way. Of course, the bully’s backstory is that his dad lost the girl he wanted to his best friend, who lost her to a man named Jim (Probably not related to me), and to avenge the father’s loss of his first love, the bully has made it clear that there’s only one big cat in that small townBut getting his comeuppance improved things, and the restaurant became a long-lasting success for the town. (Cut to “S Club 7: Boyfriends & Birthdays” as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Our second special, “S Club 7: Boyfriends & Birthdays,” sees the band further down the road towards Los Angeles as they make a small pitstop where they meet with a family living in a trailer waiting for their dad to get them to a better place. In the meanwhile, Rachel and her long-time beau are having separation issues and want Rachel to return home. Although she stays with her friends, the guy is obviously a jealous douchebag of a twat! Meanwhile, Jo helps the family rebuild the car and convinces the others to help throw a birthday party for the oldest of the kids in the family, who hopes to see his father. Rachel and the oldest boy discuss their problems, and after fully repairing and restoring the truck, both the family and the S Club 7 hit the road to California, and Rachel is over her Douchebag twat of a boyfriend. (Cut to James Physically)  


TLOTA:  
Now, believe it or not, they released an album in between these series, and if anyone who reads this and is from the United States and purchased it, let me know in the comments. I really hope I wasn’t the only one! With that out of the way, let’s see how the band fares in their first year in California with S Club 7 In LA. (Cut to the opening credits of the series and then clips of the series as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
After gorgeous shots of some of the skyscrapers in Hollywood, our intro sees the band on top of one of those places. Me, I would’ve had height fright; the band performs the song “Reach,” which was introduced in “Boyfriends & Birthdays”. We soon find the seven STILL on the road to California. They come upon an outhouse that was obviously based on Gallifreyian technology as it holds a whopper of a bathroom inside it and stops off in a small town probably outside of Los Angeles. Even crazier, here in the States, they did some promo work for the show by filming little vignettes connected to the series. But I digress; according to Paul, he has some relatives that are in California, and seeing as how they’re living payday to payday, the others figure they could get a small loan that they could use to keep themselves from selling off their car to help them get to Los Angeles. What happens next is a “Blair Witch” scenario that eventually leads to them getting out while there’s still some gas in the tank. The next episode has them going to be counselors at a Summer Camp for geniuses due to the fact they are flat-broke. The episode has a subtle message about kids being kids and not just sponges to fill with advanced knowledge. But finally, after two episodes, the band finally makes it to Los Angeles, and to survive just a little longer, the band sacrifices their Chevy from Miami for a rust bucket. Soon thereafter, they meet up with Joni, played by “The Exorcist” star Linda Blair, and she offers them an apartment they can rent until they get on their feet. While they find a small manager, he gets them a good gig playing at a local club. While performing there, they still have time for their misadventures as they try to make it in Los Angeles. After feeling like they’ve gotten nowhere in the small amount of time there, they try to find a better manager. While gigs are getting better, they’re not paying the bills or the rent. So, they do whatever it takes to get any sort of bone, and this also leads to tensions between the band members. But even then, the Central Plot for the season was to keep trying no matter what, and even if you’re knocked down momentarily, keep going. They also had to humble up and take whatever side jobs to keep them going. Tina did some Exorcise Instructing down at Muscle Beach. Hannah took a job as a Tour Guide, which led to this moment! (Show clip of Hannah being excited about a star being at their place intercut with James bobbing his head up and down at her pace. Cut back to the series as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA: 
However, as much as I did like these side jobs, I know which one I and I’m certain a friend of mine would take this one job at Dodgers Stadium. (Cut to Paulo Fonseca as he prepares to sing the National Anthem as James Faraci, John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion harmonize and sing The National Anthem, and Paulo brings in Eric Kurtzke, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca, and Nick Yaun to figure out what’s going on! As the applause happens, we cut to the outside of the PA booth.) 


James Faraci (Audio only): 
Hey, what’s up with the applauding? Wait a minute, does that light mean what I think it does? YOU CHOWDERHEADS! WE SANG THE NATIONAL ANTHEM OVER THE P.A. SYSTEM! (Multiple slaps is heard) 


John Ross Santos (Audio only): 
How was I supposed to know the microphone was on? 


Ed Champion (Audio only): 
It’s not that hard a thing to see! (Eyepoke noise from The Three Stooges is heard.) 


Mike Santos (Audio Only): 
OOH! I’m Blind! I’m Blind! 


Everyone else (Audio Only): 
What’s the matter? 


Mike Santos (Audio only): 
I got my eyes closed! (Multiple smacks are heard as the audio cuts out, and it cuts back to the series as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA: 
And by the time the finale happens, the band has hit the wall. After spending most of the time doing the now pre-requisite clip moments from the season, they confront their bigger manager to get them a record deal. However, the band leaves MOMENTS before their manager snags them a chance to audition for a record deal. The band has hit the road again, but they have no idea where they are going this time. (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
Which leads to a couple of specials that I’ve already talked about. (Show title cards of “S Club 7: Artistic Differences” & “S Club 7 Christmas Special,” then clips of both specials as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
And to be honest, there’s a little bit that I did miss. For example, in “Artistic Differences,” when they make it back after the car breaks down, Hannah tells them about the dream she has that the band is going to fracture. Sure enough, that does happen as Bradley tries to join a secondary band and leaves because Paul was being a Hoof! And we get this moment (Show clip of Bradley saying, “I feel like a Disco Power Ranger!” Cut to James physically.) 


TLOTA: 
Even back then, it wasn’t funny! (Cut to clips of both specials as James does a voiceover)  


TLOTA (V.O.):  
Also, Rachel tries her hand at romance which ends poorly as the guy turns out to be unfaithful and polygamous! Then there’s Paul as he meets up with an ex-squeeze from his hometown, and overnight, she becomes a modeling success while Paul is stuck trying to get the band successful. As for the Christmas Special, I went through it in detail. Except for one little problem that was never resolved. What happened to that guy who wanted to get the band to sign with him? (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
Maybe he joined the long line of former managers that couldn’t handle them properly. (Cut to “S Club 7 Go Wild” as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
There was also a miniseries called “S Club 7 Go Wild” that had Bradley and Hannah as one team looking for the Hyacinth Macaw in Brazil. Then the two going for Hannah in Turkey for a Monk Seal, Rachel, and Paul heading to Russia for Rachel looking for a Siberian Tiger and then they went to Kenya so Paul can find the endangered Black Rhino, Jo with Jon and Tina go to Thailand so Jo can find the Asian Elephant, Jon going to Malaysia with Jo and Tina to find the Orangutan and Tina going to China to find the Giant Panda with Jon & Jo. Not much to say without saying it’s a great travelogue series that talks about wildlife conservation, with the World Wildlife Fund backing the series. (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
And it was around this time that the S Club 7 did something not many did, they hit the top ten on the pop charts, With their song “Never Had A Dream Come True” getting minimal MTV exposure, minimal Radio play, just one appearance on “TRL” and “Live with Regis and Kelly” and all of this happened in early 2001, However when the towers fell on September 11th so much happened, the pop scene was starting to change, even crazier Fox was in the midst of selling the Fox Family Channel and most of Saban’s backlog to ABC and its parent company Disney and one of the series that survived was the S Club 7 and the series and specials that were aired before then. But now in a post 9/11 world, could their series have some relevance? Would their tale of attempting to succeed connect? Well, we’d find out with “S Club 7 In Hollywood” (Cut to the opening credits of “S Club 7 In Hollywood,” then clips of the series as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA(V.O.): 
The intro sees the band on the beach performing their song entitled “You” as we find the band had most likely caused that guy from the Christmas special to have taken that one-way trip off the hills of Hollywood as they decide to give themselves 24 hours to find that right manager that would get them the success they believe they have the right to have. (If that makes sense, let me know in the comments section) Meanwhile, we soon meet with Dean “The Machine” Strickland, played by former Brady Bunch star Barry Williams whose bosses tell him that he has 24 hours to find the next great thing, musically speaking, AND sure enough, The Band meets with Dean, and they sign on to his management. So now the band is going to learn quickly that getting into Showbusiness can be hard but getting the success and keeping it can test the mettle of so many that a lot do fall to the wayside, ultimately reappearing years later when the Internet can become the place, they can tell their tales on how the industry broke their lives and dreams! (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
And even Internet successes will eventually have that medium to say what their lives have been like since their successes start to wane. Oh my god, I’m becoming a cautionary tale about Internet Success and trying to find Success in entertainment! (Cut to clips of the series as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA(V.O.): 
Uh, Anyway, the apartment they have in the first few episodes of the series, if that exterior looks familiar, that is because it was last seen as Keanu Reeves having just watched his friend who was a bus driver go BOOM in the movie “Speed,” but I digress. The second episode has them starting to get an advance on their record, even though they haven’t gotten a record deal yet. They soon are given a publicist to help get their names out there; that’s nice, but what about a DAMNED RECORD DEAL! It isn’t until the THIRD episode that Dean FINALLY decides to get them their Record DealWith most of the labels giving them a red light, only one would sign them, but after a performance. This performance had to wow the pants off them, and they would be set for a good contractual term! The next episode is where Kayfabe (The blurred area between the fantasy we see on tv and the real world) started to blur because Paul and Hannah, who had been friends and blossomed into a romance starting back in Miami, kissed at a Record Label Hoi Polloi, Hoity Toity type of event in secret. Though it could’ve been more interesting had some other people been in there? (Cut to James Faraci, John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion dressed in tuxedos at the soiree as they’re introduced to a well-to-do high society couple, played by Nick Yaun and Rebecca Yaun.) 


(A voice off-screen played by Eric Kurtzke): 
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Steven & Mrs. Jennifer Martinson. 


Steven Martinson (As played by Nick Yaun): 
Hello Gentlemen. (James, John, Mike, Andrew, and Ed turn as Ed says, “Where,” and James replies, “He means us!” and turns around to the Martinson couple.) I am Steven Martinson, and this is my lovely wife, Jennifer.  


Jennifer Martinson (As played by Rebecca Yaun): 
A pleasure to meet you. 


James Faraci: 
Enraptured 


Andrew Beach: 
Enchanted 


Ed Champion: 
Enlightened 


Mike Santos: 
Enriched 


John Ross Santos: 

Embalmed! (The others look at John as it looks like he grew another head. Jennifer chuckles) 


Jennifer Martinson: 

I must say, it might be the champagne, but you men are hilarious, yet you fit in perfectly in our society. Oh, Steven is that Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson?  


Steven Martinson: 
Why yes, I believe that is Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson. If you’ll excuse us, we must meet with Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson before she meets with everyone else, Ta-Ta! 


James and the others (In Unison): 
Ta-Ta! 


James Faraci: 
Spread out! Hey Mike, do you plan on eating that whole chicken? 


Mike Santos: 
No, maybe if I wait, I’ll get some potatoes! 


James Faraci: 
What kind?  


Mike Santos: 
Mashed!  


James Faraci: 
You got it! (James clocks Mike on the head and turns to see Andrew & Ed piling on the finger foods) What are you two doing, pretending to be lions? Quit grazing! (James smacks the two) 


(A voice off-screen played by Eric Kurtzke): 
Ladies and Gentlemen, Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson. (Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson played by Olivia Horvath meets with James and his friends) 


Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson: 
Greetings, gentlemen; I am Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson. 


James Faraci: 
Delighted! 


Andrew Beach: 
Devastated! 


Ed Champion: 
Devolved! 


Mike Santos: 
Decapitated! 


John Ross Santos: 
Dilapidated! (Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson laughs as Emily Post would suggest) 


Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson: 
You, Gentlemen, remind me of The Three Stooges, and I love how they try to fit into true society and fail so wondrously! (Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson continues to chuckle) Oh, if you’ll excuse me, all this laughing has made me need to use the bathroom, if you gentlemen will excuse me. 


James and The others (In Unison): 
Of course! (They all bonk their heads together as Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson walks off the screen and James notices John has a pie and no fork or plate to eat it!) 


James Faraci: 
What’s the matter with you? Are you trying to ruin us? Give me that pie! 


John Ross Santos: 
I will not! 


James Faraci: 
Let me have it before I murder you!  


Jennifer Martinson (Off-Screen): 
Oh, there’s two of them, let’s see what else they have to say. (James and John toss the pie onto the top of a column with it, barely balancing it) Oh, Gentlemen. (Jennifer Martinson and Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson walk back to James and John) 


Jennifer Martinson: 
You know we introduced ourselves, however, we forgot our etiquette, and never got to know your names.  


James Faraci: 
I’m James Faraci, he’s John Ross Santos, that (Three Stooges-esque groan), I mean our other friends who are here are John’s brother Michael and our mutual associates Andrew Beach and Ed Champion, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll find them, and you can introduce yourselves to them! 


Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson: 
Oh, don’t be in such a rush; I feel as if we missed how you metamorphosized into such men of high society. (Cut to the pie as it starts to lean towards James and John.) 


John Ross Santos: 
If you two don’t leave now, you’re not going to miss anything! 


Jennifer Martinson: 
Why my dear fellows, you two are acting as if the sword of Damocles hangs over your heads! (Cut to the pie as it continues to lean off the top of the column as it cuts to James and John) 


James Faraci and John Ross Santos (In Unison): 
Ladies, you must be Psychic! (James and John run off quickly) 


Lady Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Smythe-Stevenson: 
Jennifer, what got into them? (The pie lands directly onto their faces as they try to wipe the schmutz off, and shrapnel hits many of their fellow Hoi Polloi as it cuts to James and John confronting Mike) 


James Faraci: 
You petty larcenous stooge! What are you trying to do? Ruin us as well? (John tosses the pie out of Mike’s hands, and it lands on a High Society lady played by Brenda Fonseca, and she walks over to James and his friends.) 


High Society Lady No.3: 
Who threw this pie? I would like to thank them for the delivery! (High Society Lady No. 3 grabs two pies as James, John, and Mike try to diffuse the situation and hit Andrew and Ed as James, John, and Mike chuckle) 


James Faraci: 
You two forgot to duck! (Andrew and Ed grab pies and hit James, John, and Mike) 


Andrew and Ed (In Unison): 
SO DID YOU! (A Three Stooges-esque pie fight erupts as the High Society and everyone else starts throwing pies at one another. Cut to clips of the series as James does a voiceover.)  


TLOTA(V.O.): 
They soon must deal with OTHER big problems in the entertainment business, including a music video director who was a few lemons shy of a full gallon of Lemonade while dealing with an obsessed fan. Then they had to deal with a stylist who decided that they needed to change their characteristic style. (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
And someone doing that type of thing to someone who knows they are could ultimately lead to a loss of oneself to a character that is so opposite to who they are, and oh dear god, this is my cautionary tale! (James sits back and sighs, questioning everything he has become. Cut to clips of the series as James does a voiceover.)  


TLOTA(V.O.): 
Uh, Sorry about that. The episode afterward deals with another issue in entertainment, Ageism. Rachel worries about going Grey before she reaches her (Coughs a blurred Number)’s in the meanwhile, Dean’s superiors at the record label give him the axe for his age. The band risks their future for Dean, who comes back and keeps the band on track to finish their first album. What happens after that episode is a two-parter in which the band now must open for a Latino music hunk, played by Shalim Ortiz, who they knock out accidentally knock out. To keep the show from turning into a riot, S Club 7 play every single last song in their repertoire to placate the audience. When he awakes, as far as S Club 7 are concerned, The Parp has hit the fan, and now, they’re running for their lives! The second half of the episode sees them hiding in a hotel room. In a comedic moment, The Latino music hunk tells Jon, incognito as a woman, that the show they did was a success, and they soon have a concert on a daytime show. After an episode that utilized footage from a concert DVD that was aired a few times on what became ABC Family, the finale of this series has the band, now a success story, being told by Dean that they’re going on an international tour, meaning leaving California and America in the dust. After the Clips, which shows how far they’ve come from being unpaid forced labor to the Borlotti Brothers in Miami, the misadventures they had just been trying to get to California to find their success, to the first year in California struggling, and now to where they are now. A Success story in the entertainment business. (Cut to James physically.) 


TLOTA: 
And like the schmuck I was, I waited patiently for an album I would get on iTunes, YEARS after what happened next! By 2002, the band faced the loss of Paul Cattermole when he left the band for an opportunity to do something else musical and that would influence the final series featuring S Club 7 and the band itself. (Cut to the opening credits of “S Club” then to clips of the series as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
And right from the start, we can see the cracks starting to grow. As the band plays the song “Alive” in the opening credits, you see in the foreground, No Paul. While Paul does come along for the first few episodes, by the fourth episode, he is GONE! And while in the episode afterward, they do what they have to do to keep the band moving forward. Shortening their name from S Club 7 to S Club, I thought that’s what they should’ve been named in the first place. It would keep the band fresh if band members decided to leave in the first place! (Cut to the clip of Robert Wagner saying “Oy Gevalt” in “Austin Powers In Goldmember” cut to clips of the series as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Now accounting for the fact Paul appears in the first few episodes, let’s get into the series properly. The band after their whirlwind world tour in which the band played relentlessly, the record label decided to give them a bit of a respite in Barcelona, Spain! Even though it would’ve been a better series to have the band return to England and try to reconnect with where they started and see how far they’ve come but that’s just me. They meet with a new manager named Lyall since Dean is back in the States, let go from the label, and Barry Williams wouldn’t leave California for all the Paella in Spain! However, the band tries to come to grips with everything they’ve been through and what they need to focus on. Of course, once Paul leaves, and everything I mentioned in the bit above happens, the band also gets a chance to open and run a place where they can work on new material and in a strange full-circle kind of way work at a cafĂ© where much like The Florida Paradise Hotel in Miami back in 1999, they work at, this time with the band not only is the band, they also have to get the business to be in the black quickly and have to deal with the upkeep of the building and the business. It may have helped if they have others within their ranks to care for certain things. (Cut to James, John, Mike, Andrew, and Ed as they say, “To the basement!” repeatedly as they find a leaky pipe.) 


John Ross Santos: 
Hey guys, here’s the leak!  


James Faraci: 
Okay, Men, on your toes! (John drops the tools and pipes onto James’s, Mike’s, Ed’s, and Andrew’s feet!) D’Ouch! NOT ON OUR TOES! Say, Andrew, Ed, what do you know about plumbing? 


Andrew Beach and Ed Champion (In Unison): 
NOTHING! 


James Faraci: 
Fine, give me a hand! (Andrew and Ed start to clap as James smacks them) 


Mike Santos: 
A simple job for simpletons like us!  


James Faraci: 
Let’s start by switching off the water, John, Head upstairs to ensure no other water is running. Andrew, Ed, ready all the tools out of the kit and keep them ready. Mike, find out where to shut the water off and shut it off! (James gets a wrench, and it gets stuck on the pipe. Ed, take the hammer and see if you can move the wrench! (Ed taps gently on the tool) What’s the matter, your arms not that strong? HIT IT! (Ed takes the hammer and it hits a heating pipe as the wrench spins, loosening it.) Say, Ed, you feeling the heat?  


Ed Champion: 
Well, it could be the steam pipe!  


James Faraci: 
What the...? We better fix it before we cook to death! Get the tape and fix it! 


Andrew Beach: 
We don’t have tape! 


James Faraci: 
Well, we had to forget something, or we wouldn’t be plumbers. Go on, find something to fix it with! (Andrew looks around and finds a fiberglass fixing kit!) 


Andrew Beach: 
Eureka! I found a fiberglass fixing kit! 


James Faraci (Off-Screen): 
Well, hurry up! (Cut to James as he fixes up the water pipe, and water comes from over James’ head, just as Andrew and Ed in the background patch the heating pipe with the Fiberglass patching kit! 


Ed Champion: 
Well, that’s one problem with this place! 


James Faraci: 
This place?! This place isn’t a place for us; it’s a sieve! (John and Mike fall through, screaming and busting the water pipe) Why you two lamebrains, I ought to... LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO THE LEAK?! (James wrenches the noses of the two.) GO ON, GET SOME MORE PIPES!  


John Ross Santos: 
I resent that! 


James Faraci: 
So what are you going to do about it? 


Mike Santos: 
Get another piece of pipe; it’s nothing to get that upset over... (James clocks the two as they bark at James as they try to fix the problem, and one of the pipes has electric wiring, and it cuts to Paulo and Brenda Fonseca.) 


Paulo: 
What is keeping them from fixing the mess? 


Brenda: 
Well, I say we relax and watch some TV; there’s this documentary on Niagra Falls I want to check out. (Brenda turns the TV on, and the two are Immediately drenched in water!) Excuse me, I have Cinco Gilipollas to Asesinato! (Cut to clips of the series as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
However, by the end of the series, it was clear that the magic and the chemistry were GONE. The Final episode even feels like that as the band is homesick. Tina wants to get away from her boyfriend, who may have ties with certain illegal associates, and they go into the run-and-hide mode to get out of Barcelona; the band becomes self-aware of the need for clips as to how far they’ve come and when that happens, you know that the ship is sinking quicker and quicker. Speaking of ships, that’s how they get out of Barcelona; however, the ship they think is going to England is instead heading to Egypt! The band thanked Lyall and their live-in maid, who I almost forgot named Maria, for all their help by giving them the club they’ve been working at via phone. Meanwhile, Jo hogs the boat's crew and hijacks it so they can return home once and for all! (Cut to a “Seeing Double” poster as James slams it out of the way.) 


TLOTA: 
BEEN THERE AND REVIEWED IT YEARS AGO! Besides, not long after that happened and bombs at the box office, the band called it a career, and as for me, at the time, the timing was perfect because I had just become an uncle for the first time to twin girls! That is until 2015! (Cut to the 2015 Reunion tour as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
In 2015 the band decided to hit the reunion tour trend, and between Paul’s bullying and other incidents behind the scenes, it looked like the end of the band, and sadly it would be the last time all seven members would perform together. As I said earlier, Paul Cattermole died on April 6th of this year. If their proposed plan does come to fruition, I hope it will be a reunion tour as much as it will be a farewell tour. (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
As for the legacy of the series? (Cut to clips of “S Club 7 in Miami”, “S Club 7: Back To The ‘50’s”, “S Club 7: Boyfriends and Birthdays”, “S Club 7 in L.A.”, “S Club 7 Artistic Differences”, “S Club 7 Christmas Special”,” S Club 7 Go Wild”, “S Club 7 in Hollywood” & “S Club” as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Well, as much as I want to hate the fact that these series and specials were the only way this band could get their music on American Airwaves, and hate their incompetent management, in real life. I can’t hate the series; a lot of people called these series and specials our generation’s “Monkees” or “Partridge Family,” which is unfair to all the parties. When combined, they tell the tale of a group of young people from a small place who saw the bright lights of the big city and, when they made it, what they had to do to become successful in an industry that can and does dispose of people and artists without regards to what happens to them personally or how far they can fall professionally. It also shows how people can thrive and survive in such an industry, making it impossible for ordinary people to survive let alone succeed! So, I say to the surviving members of the S Club 7 I salute your series and your music for being a bright light in my life during dark points when I thought of giving up! (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
Probably helps me understand where I am now. (James’ smile slowly turns to a look of “Oh my god! I’m a man in my40ss talking about a group of series about a band that failed to succeed in real life in America, and I’m not where I should be; I’m in a worse place than I think I am!) I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and I’m going to the roof to reevaluate my life and where I went wrong. (James walks away in a sad walk away. Cut to bloopers and outtakes and behind the scenes of the sketches of the review. These include James, John, Mike, Andrew, and Ed as they try to sing the National Anthem, John telling the person filming about the solution they had for the wind protection for the Microphone, A pair of Pantyhose, and James and everyone trying to count how many times the words “Smith-Smythe" without breaking into laughter and James admits he lost count at five times before fading to black)