Wednesday, March 20, 2019

A "Daredevil" Review for Super Dave Osborne

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Earlier this year, we lost a great with the passing of Bob Einstein otherwise known by his signature characters Martin Funkhouser on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" or the iconic "Super" Dave Osborne.

(Cut to clips of Super Dave Osborne's failed stunts as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

While he started out as a parody of Evel Knievel. Super Dave and his technical coordinator Fuji Hakayito played by Art Irizawa came out with crazy stunts left and right which would've left real daredevils into coffins if they went astray. He first debuted on the John Byner Comedy Hour and would appear on shows left and right including a series on Showtime and a movie (Cut to James physically)


TLOTA:
And my first exposure to Super Dave was of all things a cartoon. (Cut the opening title card of "Super Dave: Daredevil For Hire" before cutting to clips of "Super Dave: Daredevil For Hire" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"Super Dave: Daredevil For Hire" was made by our friends at DiC entertainment and made for the Fox Kids. Will it be as big a disaster as a Super Dave stunt or will it actually succeed without someone heading to the hospital either mental or physical? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's get to it, this is "Super Dave: Daredevil for Hire"
(Cut to clips of "Super Dave: Daredevil For Hire" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now before I get into the plots of the episodes lets get through some of the usual rigmarole.  The animation is to many not their cup of tea. But the fact that Bob and Art return to reprise their roles in the cartoon and Bob appears at the end of the episode in live action as Super Dave to set up the stunt which is just a clip from their live action Showtime series with the foul language edited out because it is a kid's cartoon, but it's one in the plus column, nevertheless. The theme song is simple yet catchy. Have a listen. (Show clip of the show's opening theme before cutting back to the series as James continues his voiceover) The series debuted on Super Bowl weekend with Super Dave having to save the game from his arch nemesis Crash Hazard who would appear in a handful of the episodes he does so and... (Show clip of bomb going off before cutting to James physically reacting before returning to the series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 That is the basic gist of the series. 13 episodes of Dave going through adventures of all sorts. He saves the president, saves astronauts, goes into a small wild west town which breaks down as apparently Dave found a lot of the story far fetched and it wouldn't surprise me if Bob and the writing staff had some conversations like that but they decided to roll with it and sanitize the four letter words in the conversations for the recording sessions. While the finale has something that resembles every episode they would've made if the show continued, I think they'd have even more insane stunts but I think the tepid ratings and Bob knowing that an animated Super Dave would be the kiss of death on the sustainability and credibility to the character. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But all things considered... it wasn't that bad!
(Cut to clips of "Super Dave: Daredevil For Hire" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
It's by no means poorly done, the writing is good, the animation lends itself to the cartoonish style of "Super Dave's" character traits and I did find myself enjoying it more as the series went on and after a secondary watching I heard more jokes that lent itself to more adult sensibilities and if you want to enjoy it than YouTube is the best bet. Otherwise, get ready to pack a trip outside of the U.S. because it's actually available on DVD in South Korea! (Cut to James physically standing next to Steve Kidd who is dressed as "Super Dave Osborne")

TLOTA:
And to end this review, our own Steve Kidd has dressed up as "Super" Dave Osborne and is going to go ahead and do all of "Super" Dave's stunts and to which I say. (James slaps Steve on the back as he says to Steve "Good Luck" as Steve moves off screen and "Super Dave: Daredevil For Hire" theme song plays in the foreground as it cut to James' face as he reacts and Steve screams and hollers in fear and pain before a thud is heard and Steve says off screen "Supercalifragilisticexpila-Uber Pain!")

TLOTA:
Don't worry Steve, I've got insurance. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Monday, March 11, 2019

The "Wrestlemania Mystery" of Cena

(Scene begins with an overhead shot of the Catskills and the “Xena” theme song plays in the foreground before cutting to a clip of the n.W.o 2002 WWE run as an announcer played by DukeCT says “In a time of returning ancient tribes.”, Brock Lesnar brutalizing everyone as an announcer played by DukeCT says “Monsters” and Triple H holding both the World Heavyweight and WWE Championship as an announcer played by DukeCT says “And men who would be kings!” and the WWE brand splitting for the first time as an announcer played by DukeCT says “A company divided cries out for a hero” as more matches play scenes of two different men getting prepared one with a pair of Jean Shorts the other a pair of contractor jeans. The First man preparing a colored shirt, the other putting on an American Flag shirt before cutting to the first man entering a ring who just so happens to be John Cena before cutting to an image of John Cena as he holds a championship and the words “Cena: Warrior Actor” an announcer played by DukeCT says, “He was Cena!” before cutting to a clip of John Cena running at full steam as an announcer played by DukeCT says “A mighty warrior forged in the challenge of competition!” before seeing John hit an AA on Edge and The Big Show before cutting to James Faraci as it cuts to James Faraci getting to his seat as the credit reads “Starring James Faraci The Last Of The Americans” before cutting to a clip of John Cena hits Edge with an AA at Unforgiven as an announcer played by DukeCT says “The intensity” before cutting to an image of Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun & Nick Yaun, John & Mike Santos, Ed Champion & Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath and Renee Miller as they see their names before cutting to James on the horseshoe couch as he plays a movie before cutting to John Cena’s Acting Repertoire as an announcer played by DukeCT says “The Actor” as more clips of John Cena’s Acting Repertoire before cutting to John Cena as he takes a butt bong of beer before cutting to James gets ready for another review as an announcer played by DukeCT says “His Reviews will change the internet forever!” before cutting to a blurred black and white image of John Cena holding the WWE Championship and the words “The Last Of The Americans” shimmer in before fading to James and Renee on the horseshoe couch)

TLOTA:
Okay Renee, whatever movie you want me to review that has Cena in it, I will do my best. But you must let me be as funny and as honest in this as I was in my last two Cena reviews. 

Renee Miller:
Okay James and if I don’t like it, it’ll be your last review! (Renee pulls out a copy of Scooby Doo WWE Wrestlemania Mystery and hands it to James.)

TLOTA:
Why did I agree to this again? (Cut to opening title card of “Scooby Doo WWE Wrestlemania Mystery” before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While this wasn’t the first time WWE had been involved with Animation, this is the first time we’ve got a lot of the greats from this era which includes Triple H, Sin Cara, Santino, The Miz and of course John Cena hanging out with Scooby, Shaggy, Fred, Daphne & Velma! Will this be as good as the Iron Man Match from Wrestlemania 12 or would it be as bad as the pacing of the last few Wrestlemanias (Cut to James and The Wrestling Mark on the Horseshoe couch)

TLOTA:
Let’s not… (James looks over and sees The Wrestling Mark next to him.) What are you doing?

The Wrestling Mark:
If you think you’re doing this one solo then you’ve got… (James gives The Wrestling Mark the evil eye) it right on the mark! Gotta go! (The Wrestling Mark runs off screen)

TLOTA:
This is “Scooby Doo WWE Wrestlemania Mystery” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The movie begins as The Miz goes out on hike while where he bumps into…Kylo Ren with a shirt that shows how swole he is and a mask that doesn’t look as good as the ones he’s been sporting? Actually, that is Kane and The Miz runs away like there is no tomorrow. (The Miz runs off saying “Who’s Awesome? I’m Awesome!” over and over again before cutting to James and DukeCT on the couch)

DukeCT:
Okay Miz we get it you’re awesome on the mic and in the ring, you’ve got a lovely daughter and wife, you don’t have to hammer it in every second!

TLOTA:
DukeCT, I know you mean well but I want to fly as solo as I can. So, would you please get out now!

DukeCT:
But… (James gives DukeCT a death stare before he runs off then cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Miz continues his Jog is interrupted by… The Ghost Rider’s pet bear?! What?! Anyhow The Miz holds him off for as long as he can and I think when he said “Seriously?” he was ad-libbing because somewhere he knew he was getting the short end of the stick in this movie before getting put into an intensive care unit at WWE City! W...W...E…City.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I can see the ads for this tourist trap town going something like this! (Cut to James dressed as Vince McMahon in a business office.)

Vince McMahon:
This is… WWE… CITY! We have a lot of great places to see like The Undertaker’s Mortuary Museum. (Cut to a haunted house full of WWE Superstars he’s beaten as The Undertaker slams the coffins on all of them and says, “Rest In Peace!” before returning to Vince McMahon) After that have a bite of Santino’s Homemade Pizza. (Cut to John Santos dressed as Santino Marella trying to make a Pizza with “The Cobra” as he puts a pie in the oven and a tossed crust lands on his face before returning to Vince McMahon as he stands outside the WWE Logo) And there’s plenty more here at WWE…CITY! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
We then get to our opening titles. Which has us introduced to the Scooby gang and the WWE superstars which we’ll see in the movie including Triple H, Vince McMahon, Kane, Sin Cara, Santino, AJ Lee, Santino, Michael Cole, The Miz and Brodus Clay. (Cut to James physically and Jim Cornette sitting next to him)

Jim Cornette:
Now that is just a waste of talent Brodus Clay, isn’t he on that Faux News Network as a contributor now a days, an even bigger waste of a news network?

TLOTA:
Cornette, unless you want your tennis racket surgically removed from your throat, Now would be a good time for you to BEAT IT!

Jim Cornette:
Don’t have to threaten me twice! (Cornette runs off before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
We’re soon introduced to the Scooby gang as Shaggy played by Matthew Lillard and Scooby played by Frank Welker a WWE game which Scooby wins and enters in a bonus round which Scooby wins and gets a free set of tickets for Wrestlemania at WWE City. Scooby and Shaggy convince Fred also played by Frank Welker, Velma played by Mindy Cohn and Daphne played by Grey DeLisle Griffin to come along and on their way, they have a little car trouble when who else comes in but Cena and Daphne quickly becomes a fan of his after seeing his physical attributes amongst his other abilities. (Cut to James physically as he’s joined by Brian Zane of “Wrestling With Wregret”)

Brian Zane:
Okay Daphne, are you that serious to be Cena’s rebound from Nikki Bella after seeing Cena for just that short amount of time or just the sloppy seconds?

TLOTA:
Speaking of seconds that’s how long you have left before you wind up a human pretzel! (Brian Zane runs away in fear before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
We’re also introduced to Cookie played by Charles S. Dutton and his nephew Ruben played by Bumper Robinson as well as Bayard who has it out for WWE City. But to apologize for Bayard’s insanity Cena offers our gang VIP seats to their wrestling event planned for that night.  (Cut to the matches as Michael Cole loses a desk after The Big Show lands on the Desk as Michael Cole says, “That was my favorite table!” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Preaching to the choir Michael! Preaching to the Choir! (Cut to Michael Cole who happens to be sitting next to James)

Michael Cole:
Oh really, you know what it’s like to have your desk demolished into oblivion

TLOTA:
As a matter of fact, YES! Come with me! (James grabs Michael Cole to James’ office before seeing the charred remains of James’ old desks then cutting back to James and Michael Cole.)

Michael Cole:
Wow James, I underestimated, well judging by the time on my watch, I gotta go!
(James sighs before fading to black before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cut back to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to “Scooby Doo: WWE Wrestlemania Mystery” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Mr. McMahon comes out and tells us that since a match between Kane and someone else that happened off screen was ruled out. Apparently, the championship has been Vacated and now a new champion must be crowned and Cookie invited the Scooby gang to training camp in Sin Cara’s Car after getting settled in, Scooby has a dream which gets interrupted by him meeting face to face with The Ghost Bear and who else would get involved to help the Scooby gang but the WWE Superstars which includes in their ranks Sgt. Slaughter! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
And don’t underestimate the Sarge he’ll leave you in pain and an itty-bitty ditty bag! (Cut to the clip of Sgt. Slaughter as he says, “Itty-bitty ditty bag!” from the animated “G.I. Joe” Movie before returning to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Cookie and Reuben have a disagreement on Reuben’s involvement in the ring due to a career ending injury but I’m sure that amounts to nothing in the long run. The next day WWE exec Ms. Richards played by Mary McCormack lets the Scooby gang know that there have been bear attacks over the past few weeks and after a brief historical exposition from Shaggy and Scooby on Vince’s past incarnations, Mr. McMahon asks the gang to investigate. Meanwhile Cena interprets what Sin Cara is saying about the legend of the Ghost Bear and how Sin Cara’s great-great-great grandfather beat an actual wrestling bear named Vicious.  (Show clip of Sin Cara’s movements being narrated by John Cena before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Ladies and Gentlemen, John Cena, interpretive dancing translator. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next morning after Scooby sees a series of lights, the WWE Championship has been stolen and who took it? Scooby?! (Cut to James as he looks on in shock with The Comic Strip Critic sitting next to him)

Comic Strip Critic:
HOW COULD SCOOBY DOO DO THAT?! The Damage to his… (James gets out of shock before looking at The Comic Strip Critic with anger on his face) will be less than the damage you’ll inflict on me if I don’t get out of here! (The Comic Strip Critic speeds on out of there before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA:
Velma helps Scooby clear his name by showing the game footage of Sin Cara’s character in the game’s code of the Dance party matches Scooby’s movements verbatim. But there is a law in WWE land that allows Scooby and Shaggy to fight for their innocence and it just so happens to be against… (Show Kane’s intro as Kane comes into the arena before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
They’re gonna die! (Cut to DukeCT once again sitting next to James)

DukeCT:
Probably! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After getting their backsides handed to them in training with AJ Lee the gang go looking for evidence to clear Shaggy and Scooby with who else (Show clip of John Cena joining the gang! Before returning to the movie as James does a voiceover.) John and the Scooby gang find a cave that has evidence pointing to Bayard AKA the Redneck claiming Eminent domain over the land WWE City was built upon. But the Ghost Bear knocks out Cena, Fred tries to do a Missile trick onto the Ghost Bear which only does the same thing that happened to Cyborg in the Justice League movie as Fred floods the cave destroying the evidence. Fred, Daphne and Velma escape using the table while Shaggy and Scooby use John Cena in the most inappropriate way I can think of! (Show clip of Shaggy and Scooby using John Cena as a raft before cutting to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover) After that bit of wrong, John wakes up and everyone finds the cave leads to a storm drain to WWE City. Giving the information to Ms. Richards, Cookie suggests cancelling Wrestlemania but everyone thinks it’d be a bad idea even John Cena who again translates Sin Cara thinks it’d damage WWE irreparably. (Cut to Jim Cornette sitting next to James physically)

Jim Cornette:
Cancelling Wrestlemania wouldn’t have damaged WWE. WWE has done a lot worse with their image and reputation and somehow by the skin of Vince’s teeth got away with it scot-free and lest we forget all the sideshow circus crap Vince has done and buying out and burying the competition that hasn’t done any… (James gives Cornette the death stare.) Okay! Okay! I’m going! I’m outta here! (Cornette runs off before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Deciding to use Wrestlemania as a bear trap, everyone involved is ready to go as Scooby and Shaggy must take on Kane! The match is on as Kane darkens their singlets. While the match goes on Velma discovers where the EMP device is, ON a replica WWE Championship belt (Show the match going down as Velma tells Ms. Richards that the belt is the EMP device and Sin Cara comes with a magnet to help and Velma asks Where Sin Cara got the magnet before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
THE LESS YOU KNOW VELMA, THE BETTER OFF YOU’LL BE! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Kane continues to brutalize Shaggy and Scooby and Michael Cole loses another desk, and again preaching to the choir, Velma proves herself right, Cena tries to launch the device outside of harm’s way only for Scooby to mess it up giving the Ghost Bear ample opportunity to attack. But the King Of Kings himself Triple H comes in with Backup Generators to reboot the programs all while the match continues. (Show match continues as it changes what it is every few seconds before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA:
WHO IN THE HELL BOOKED THIS MATCH THE WAY THEY DID?! (Cut to Vince Russo as he sits next to James.)

Vince Russo:
The spirit of Herb Abrams from the UWF. (Cut to Jim Cornette as he sits next to Vince Russo who is next to James.)

Jim Cornette:
How about I beat you until you are left as an unrecognizable corpse for such a dumb-ass answer.

TLOTA:
ORAC! Delta Level Defense! (James pulls out his Sonic Screwdriver as Jim Cornette gets out of the way as James uses it to fricassee Vince Russo before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After a brutal beatdown the Ghost Bear is defeated! (Cut to James as he puts on his betting hat)

TLOTA:
Okay everyone, place your bets, who’s the Ghost Bear! Place your bets. (Cut to everyone screaming who they think the Ghost Bear is before cutting to James.) Okay betting time is up let’s see who it is! (Cut to the moment when The Ghost Bear is revealed and instead of it being who it is in the movie it’s a pasted-on pic of Vince McMahon and he shouts, “IT’S ME!” with Jim Ross saying, “Son Of A Bitch!” before cutting to everyone else)

Jim Cornette:
Wait a second, THAT is a mask, we’ll see that I’m right when I pull that off (Jim Cornette’s Hand pulls off the pasted-on face of Vince McMahon as it reveals Kayla from “Blockers” with her High Face as her mouth animatedly moves and the audio of Judge Doom talking about how he killed Eddie Valliant’s Brother comes out of her mouth before cutting to a group of very scared individuals running for their lives as Jim Cornette trips Vince Russo and everyone else runs over him and Cornette Riverdances on Russo killing him before running out himself before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Actually, the man behind the Ghost Bear is… Cookie! (Show everyone in the movie’s reaction before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Okay, I think I understand why. He wanted to protect his nephew, to help him get into computers and out of the ring, to stop him from making the same mistakes he did. (Cut to the very convoluted reasons of deductions made by The Scooby Gang before cutting back to James) Or that, that works too. (The Door slams open as James gets up and the camera zooms to Diamond Dallas Page!)

Diamond Dallas Page:
Cookie went into a negative state that destroyed him and that was the wrong way to go. Had he come to me before he came up with his plan, not only would he have gotten past the injuries that ended his career, he could’ve made a comeback that few get a chance to do and by the way James, I’m glad you’re staying positive and trying to help those around you be positive in your life as well as their own. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Yep, and thanks to you and DDPYoga I’ve been able to do things I haven’t since I was a teen! Thanks Dallas! (Cut to Diamond Dallas Page)

Diamond Dallas Page:
My pleasure, give yourself a self-high five because you own it! DDPY Warrior symbol and hit it! (James and Diamond Dallas Page shout BANG!) Keep it going and keep it positive. (DDP disappears back into the light he came from before returning to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And as Cookie is dragged off by the Cops, Reuben joins the WWE and the movie ends with Shaggy and Scooby are given the WWE Championship. Whatever floats this movie’s boat. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was “Scooby Doo WWE Wrestlemania Mystery” and it was pretty good. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I’ll give the movie the following. The mystery never dragged, the animation was relatively done well, the voice acting was awesome apart from a few, I mean seriously Billy West was a better Shaggy than Lillard and Welker as much as you want to Honor Messick’s Legacy let someone else voice Scooby. But other than that, I really did like this movie and I truly hope this movie gets a great following. Find it on Blu-Ray or DVD and hope you have a Slamming good time with Scooby and the gang. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And now onto the rest of the year, if Renee can let me do the rest of the year. (Renee sits next to James)

Renee Miller:
James, I am going to let you do the rest of the year problem free. Besides, I only didn’t want you to review Cena's movies because I didn’t have any say on which movies you should’ve reviewed  because Cena and all wrestler actors are awesome all around.

TLOTA:
Okay, how about this, if I ever do a wrestler turned actor again, you’ll be the first one I go to for an idea.

Renee Miller:
Thanks James.

TLOTA:
No Problem, now look out 2019 here I come again! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans… (Jim Cornette thwacks James in the back of the head.)

Jim Cornette:
That’s for taking my lines from my editorials. I’m Jim Cornette and that’s my opinion! Jackass!