Monday, December 21, 2020

Top 10 The Last Of The Americans moments in 2020

    (0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans 2020, how do I despise thee, LET ME COUNT EVERY SINGLE WAY! (Cut to clips of everything that happened in 2020 as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Between Manic Expression being forced to close down though it was temporary, My father passing away when I posted my "Different Cuts Of Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings Trilogy" and that was on the same fricking day, Me losing the woman I love and forcing my friends to return home, shutting down my studio, having to go bare-bones with my reviews and Oh, before I forget a project I had planned for this year, I may get done next year but that's gonna happen because things WILL work out for me next year one way or another, even if I make more enemies than friends and speaking of enemies, I haven't forgotten the vitriolic disdain you hit me with, now it will be used to fuel me towards success in the next year which I will get to later on. But for now, let's send this year off with the Molotov Cocktail we need to burn it to cinders, piss and crap on it after it has burned to said cinders! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So much so, that I figured this would be how we should all end this year! (Cut to the clip of Al Bundy laughing as he jumps out of a plane. Cut to James physically.) However by the grace of God we survived and with five moments that you liked and five I liked... (James pulls out his RoboKnight Morpher and De-Morphs)

James Faraci:
Let's countdown the Top 10 moments of The Last Of The Americans in 2020! 

(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear in the center as their names appears above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appears. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down and  James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 10

(Cut to clips from "A Zombie Halloween Jubilee" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
I made many a promise to my oldest brother Rob before he passed away last year. Some more personal than others. One being later on this list and of course, doing a review of the Rob Zombie duology of his attempt to breathe new life into the "Halloween" series and I hope that I did well by my late older brother Rob. But for me, the best part was being able to physically work off someone else was fun! Especially since I used it for a catharsis for all the pain I felt after most of this year being a complete Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors of a Shitstorm of a year. Especially since the person who played Michael Myers and the truck that I helped us to beat the hell out of him was gone and for the record, the man in the suit of "The Shape" was played by a mutual friend who is not a member of Team TLOTA. However, the original idea was to have it be a date gone wrong between myself and Alex because of a Kayfabe promises to my deceased Oldest Brother to watch the non-existent Rob Zombie remake of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and me dealing with a sociopathic Rob Zombie Fan who feels it best to drive me nuts while I dealt with Rob Zombie's Halloween Duology. But this may be one of those Thanking My Lucky Stars that this actually was better than I thought it would've been. (Fade to black)

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number nine

(Cut to clips of "Quarantined With the "Aquamarine" Blues"


James Faraci (Voiceover):
This is where everything started to go downhill for "The Last Of The Americans". Originally, I had planned for Arielle Kebbel to be in the review at the studio, but thankfully Arielle was more than willing to do a video cameo for the review and I let her know about certain things, like comparing Cecilia to Lisa from "The Room" and of course this little bit. (Show the old footage of James and James reacting differently than a Fegulah Meshuginah Schmuck from Chicago and Arielle getting more and more upset that she's not getting the reaction that she wanted, James fighting back and revealing the High face of Kayla doing the "Remember Me, Eddie" Judge Doom moment from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" and Arielle screaming in fear and the ending of the review. Cut back to clips of the review as James continues his voiceover) That's right, I took something a certain Fegulah Meshuginah Schmuck and inverted it to make Hollywood know that We're not scared to fight back if you attack us. But the fact I had to go to my last options as to how I wanted to get it done makes me feel sad that this wasn't one of my better ones overall but it was one of the better ones I did this year! (Cut to the ending as Arielle screams in fear and it cuts to the blood-soaked message which is a moot point at this point)

(Cut to 0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number Eight

(Cut to clips of "A "Possible" Crossover Co-Written by Charles "DukeCT" Thomas" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
I wanted to do a review of the 2019 DCOM "Kim Possible", However, I had to deal with the pesky truce that I had set up to keep me directly out of the line of fire. Thankfully Charles "DukeCT" Thomas was willing to put up with my ideas and as some of the last of the stragglers before I everything down due to the COVID-19 Pandemic. Thankfully Christy and Brendan were real good sports and were willing to be a part of this before the forced shutdown and liked the idea. The moment I loved was when I had Alex fight off Shego, The first idea I had which I didn't tell anyone about was to have Alex drag me and DukeCT out by our petards and it would end with Alex finishing them off in the usual way. However, after some second thoughts, I wanted in on the action. So after some discussions, we went through a lot to get to where the review you got!

(Jump cut to 0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number Seven


7) "Superman & The Seven "Returns", "Connect The Plots: How DC had a shared universe and didn't capitalize on it" and "Birds" attacking me! "Prey" for me!

James Faraci (Voiceover):
These three tied because they showed How Warner Brothers misusing their DC Properties isn't a new thing. Whether it was back when they thought Christopher Nolan doing Batman's Properties was something to Piggyback the next Superman project, whether it was how they had the start of something good and how they decided not to capitalize on the popularity they had with the DC Properties or how after trying so hard and STILL failing with their newer ones even after Marvel had pretty much killed any hope for a cinematic comeback. Plus, it got some things I needed to talk about, like the twist with Jason from "Superman Returns", how painful watching a newer DC Cinematic Property is, and the damage it could cause. It made me feel like Joel and The Bots just by the end of "Castle Of Fu Manchu" and how much agony it caused me. And one last note doesn't expect more from the current DC Movies from me, I need to give myself a break and hope to god DC Movies get better.

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number Six

(Cut to clips of "Reality Checkout: Are Cooking Shows Reality TV?")


James Faraci (Voiceover):
This was one I had been mulling around in my head for a while and requests from e-mails of people saying "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" or "Man Vs Food" needed to be taken down a peg or how much they hate the original "Iron Chef Japan" or it's short-lived revival a few years back. This was one time I had to help disseminate what was Reality TV and Cooking Shows. I actually love shows that help me better my culinary skills and tastes. It also had to show that I was not immune to what was happening as a forced shutdown of the studio had to happen and that 2020 would hurt James in more ways than one! As I had to not only shut down the studio and everything that I wanted to do, including the movie I had planned for this year and as to whether or not that will happen next year, that's now up in the air as well So yeah, while dealing with Reality TV forcing me to deal with the effects of The real world! The Paradox is mind-boggling!

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
(Cut to clips of "The Top Ten Dumbest moments in the JAWS Movies" as James does a voiceover.)


TLOTA (Voiceover):
This one forced me to deal with some more of my pain and not because of the horrendousness of the "JAWS" sequels. Because "JAWS" was one of my brother's favorite movie franchises, bad moments and all! So sitting down, having to watch all those movies brought back memories of me, my oldest brother, and my father and all the fishing trips we used to have. While a lot of the moments were expected, one moment I missed out of while stupid I thought was too stupid to be on the list Ellen's Psychic connection to the shark and the flashbacks to moments she was only told about or not even a part of in any way shape or form, like the ending of the Original "JAWS" ending. Thank you Steve Kidd for a reminder as to why "JAWS The Revenge" is STILL a dumpster fire! But not as much as this year has been!

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number Four

(Cut to clips of "The Different Cuts: Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings Trilogy" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
Yep, this one was more a fan favorite than anything I cared for. I loved both editions of Peter Jackson's "The Lord Of The Rings" Trilogies. I loved all the time and effort Peter Jackson put into both versions that choosing one better than the other was an impossible task. So I just decided to say which ones were better and why both were worthy of the wonky point values I gave them. However the day I posted this one, turned into my worst day personally and professionally as I was happy to get my review link on the site Manic Expression.com and figured it would be a post of the week candidate. However hours later, the site was shut down for undisclosed reasons and while that was happening, I suffered the most painful loss in my personal life. On August 17, 2020, my beloved father passed away in my living room, he had been a touchstone in my life. He was an avid outdoorsman, a loving husband, uncle, father, and grandfather. Leaving behind his wife of forty-five years (My mom), three surviving children (Of which I am one of them, obviously), three Granddaughters, and nearly an infinite amount of memories for me and my family. And along with that every review I have done and any future review/project I will ever do I dedicate to him and my brother, his namesake Rob. So, how the fact that I had to endure the worst professional and personal loss I'd ever face on the same day I posted one of the best episodes clash with one another? Simply put, if I ever have a day like I did in August, well Check out the No. 3 spot.

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number Three

(Cut to clips of "Survival Of The Shootist" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
As I mentioned already on this list, On the same day I posted my "Different Cuts Of Peter Jackson's "The Lord Of The Rings" trilogy was also the day the original version of Manic Expression was shut down and the day my father had passed away. After finishing it and the "In Defense of... Baywatch", I shut myself away and decided to mourn my father's passing for a month! In that time I decided to wonder whether or not I should've called it a career as "The Last Of The Americans", canceled my movie project, and gotten into something else like working a job in some sort of job that I could learn to make sure I would hate myself for giving up on something I wanted to do with my life, do that until I dropped dead and wound up a corpse. However, my family, friends, fans, and colleagues in the reviewing community felt it would be a waste of what I've done and loved for the past seven years if I just stopped The Last Of The Americans dead and had no plans to end him properly. So I looked at a John Wayne movie and wondered what he would do when a tragedy. It was after watching it, I felt my dad's spirit come and comfort me and say "Keep on doing what you're doing. I loved you helping me out but seeing you do this makes me happy knowing I will be with you in spirit and you will be a success Bubba-Booey! I love you now as you move forward." That led me to believe that I could move on and I decided to review "The Shootist" as a tribute to my father and to my love of John Wayne. It was something that led me to believe that I could move forward with what I wanted to do to let me move forward. No matter what happens from that moment forward I was going to be happy and I would be doing what I want. Thank you, Dad, I love you and I will never forget all the good we had.

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number two
(Cut to clips of "American Pie Bakery" as James does a voiceover.)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
Having to go through eight movies in three months was maddening, I had to sit through so much gross-out humor that knowing that there had a plot, character development and so many great moments inside what could've been mindless drivel, I mean, I DID get a sense of some disturbing moments that would shock normal people and for those who were wondering, I used the Unrated versions of the movies which put a lot more gross-out moments and moments of what Awkward Ashleigh would say "Titties". So that added a secondary source of turbulence. Because watching those movies was a litmus test I wouldn't wish on that certain Meshuggina Fegulah Schmuck from Chicago. However I do feel a sense of achievement that I survived all eight movies and got through them in a three month span. And apparently everyone loved how much filth and jokes about bodily functions/fluids, I could cram into the three months. Also how much Sean William Scott's Stiffler made me glad as to how far I've come. A lot of pie, made me glad about how far I've grown since the days of Wine and of course "The Pie"

(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and  James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
And The Number One Best moment of 2020 which by and large is a miracle 
(Cut to clips of "Living With The "Life As A Mermaid"" review as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
This started out as a request for the final season of that series by someone who wanted to like the series and it bloomed from there. I realized if I were to just talk about the season itself it would just be one chapter instead of the whole story. So I had decided to re-watch every little bit of minutia involved with the series and it reminded me why I loved the series. Plus, it gave me a chance to see the progression of where it began and where I can now say that "Life As A Mermaid" is over and done. I had tried to split the fan of the series I was and I still am to this day and the Reviewer that I am. I tried to be objective in the review but I had to ask intelligent questions about things that I had. Also for the record as I watched the last two seasons in their original run those questions were coming to me then. I asked them in my review of this series because if I didn't, it would haunt me. Also, I have to mention an update in the Amazon Prime uploads, except the first season which was the shorts and the fun little minisodes in-between seasons, everything else in the main series has been uploaded in its correct order, so that's positive. The negative seems to be that there has been a bit of a falling out between myself and certain people involved in the series. Maybe it's because I didn't get permission to review it from the people who produced it, maybe it was something I said or did in said review. Whatever I did I am using this moment to apologize for whatever I said or did in this review. I hope that in the new year we can somehow rebuild our relationships, professional and/or personal, and move forward on what we can do together! But even if there has been a negative, I'm hoping we can correct it and turn it into a positive or something we can joke about in the future. (Cut to James physically)

James Faraci:
Speaking of the future, what will 2021 bring about? Hopefully, my movie even if I have to make several adjustments to what I need and who I put in it. Also at the time of this post, I am once again re-posting ALL of my Backlog again on Manic-Expression.com, then you may have noticed big gaps which I will fill in with my "Summer Of Summer Spectaculars", which will be all of the summer specials I did over the past few years and I will be re-posting them on the site, I'll have my usual workload but I will have a few surprises up my sleeve and starting 2021 well (James pulls out his Morpher and the tone of the Morpher sounds like "Moves Like Jagger" as James morphs back into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:
Well judging by the sounds you're hearing, I'm going to be well not as negative in 2021. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and guess what... (Cut to a green-screened image of the Galaxy where it looks like James is rippling through the cosmos)

TLOTA (Singing):
It goes a little something like this, watch him and he'll show ya! Look at him take control because he's Cool like Keanu, Yeah, Yeah, he's cool like Keanu, You know he coo-ooo-ool like Keanu! Watching him take control yeah, watch him and he'll show you how to be Cool Like Keanu, You gonna be cool like Keanu. You gonna be Coo-ooo-ool like Keanu! ("Moves like Jagger" sound-alike ends as it cuts to black)

Saturday, December 12, 2020

The Last Of The Americans 2020 Holiday Gift Guide

(Scene begins with James pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 then cut to James jumping down a cliff from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci landing in Santa's sleigh and fully morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans Christmas mode with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with Christmas Trees on it, Blue cargo Jeans, and Black Workboots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James and Santa riding with the 12th Doctor and Clara at the 0:13 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:14-0:17 show Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the two run after the Grinch before cutting to John and Mike Santos baking cookies before cutting to the 0:17-0:19 mark as it shows Paulo & Brenda Fonseca popping in A Muppets Christmas Special on a player before cutting to the 0:20-0:28 mark as we see Eric Kurtzke, Ed Champion, Andrew Beach and Olivia Horvath decorating as it cuts to the doors outside of James' space and time machine as the 0:28 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James stands on top of his Time and Space device and tosses a candy cane then cuts over to multiple clips from the past six years of “The Last Of The Americans” Christmas reviews/top 12s as the Candy Cane flips end over end as the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses dressed in Christmas Garb on a white background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before all while snow and jingling bells are heard and seen in the foreground. Cut to James in his home.)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, still at home, but thanks to a certain Government Official, I will be forced to reopen the Studio or face financial ruin. But hopefully, I can give you a reason to celebrate the Holidays this year, and once again, I am stepping out of the reviewer's stance and give you a guide for gifts for this year. It's "The Last Of The Americans Holiday Gift Guide."

 (Cut to James and Team TLOTA in their Pajamas as they come rushing to the Christmas Tree and see different items they wanted and cleaning up as the camera turns to see in the Wrapping Paper shrapnel "The Last Of The Americans Holiday Gift Guide" slide wipe to James in his house as he walks to his Kitchen.)

TLOTA:
Now like last year, these gifts will try to be under $100.00 but a couple of them will be a little over, and given who got elected a lot of that money will become more scarce as the next four years go on but regardless, I will be starting this guide in my partly refinished Kitchen. So we start off with, some kitchen gear that really deserves some attention, First off this fine device the SimpleTaste Spiral Slicer. It is awesome, I use it for a Pasta substitute with Zucchinis, Broccoli Stems, basically anything really hearty and can be cut into spirals or strands, especially if you like curly fries and this baby does an amazing job at it. And I like using two different types of cooking pans to cook them.  These are the De Buyer Carbon Steel cookware set. What I like particularly is how well they hold the heat, they're made with the same materials as a cast iron pan but whereas cast iron is melted and cased in a sand-based mold into the pan, Carbon Steel is forged into the shape of the pan with the handle riveted onto the pan and Speaking of Cast Iron, I like using it as well especially the Lodge 10.25" Cast Iron Pan, why is that because they heat well in an oven. Put it in an oven at 350 degrees and these pans get nice and hot. Perfectly at the temperature, you put it in and these work great on cooking steaks perfectly to a medium-rare at the same time it takes to call for taking out. Speaking of steak, a Cinematic idol of mine John Wayne ate Steak, Every Single Day! But as much as I loved John's Cinematic work, apparently, the John Wayne Enterprise has made some great cookbooks that would satisfy the Duke which I have checked out we have The Official John Wayne Way To Barbecue cookbook, The Official John Wayne Way to Grill: Great Stories & Manly Meals Shared By Duke's Family cookbook, The John Wayne Cast Iron Official Cookbook,  The Official John Wayne 5-Ingredient Homestyle Cookbook and finally The Official John Wayne Family Cookbook: Recipes and Recollections from Duke's Kitchen to Yours cookbook. These have very interesting recipes and stories from John Wayne's surviving children and his grandchildren and great-grandchildren about The Duke himself and Speaking of John Wayne, I definitely recommend getting some of his movies for the holidays. (Cut to clips of John Wayne movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And some of the first movies I ever saw were of John Wayne's on local syndication and it's because of John I wanted to get into movies. Some of my personal favorites are "The Sons Of Katie Elder", "El Dorado" "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance", "Hondo", "The Searchers", "The Quiet Man", "Red River", "Rio Lobo", "Rio Bravo", "Rio Grande", the Original and in my opinion the best version of "True Grit" where he stars as the U.S. Marshall Reuben J "Rooster" Cogburn, with Glen Campbell as "LeBeouf" and Kim Darby as "Mattie Ross", "The Comancheros", "The Alamo", "Big Jake" and of course in my September review of "The Shootist" John's final film he shone like a star but would you believe he put out a spoken word album? That's right, The Duke himself released America, Why I Love Her. It is a great spoken word album to keep you going in times of sadness during these tough times. I strongly suggest you get these this Holiday season. (Cut to James physically in his living room)

TLOTA:
We're now in my common living room where my surviving family celebrates our holidays. Right here was an HP Chromebook that my dad used before...August, but I'll talk about it on the 21st. But I digress, I have used it in conjunction with my usual laptop to do my workload and while this does break the Hundred Dollar budget, it does work well what I do recommend something that works great with it. I give you "Google Duo". Much like Skype, Discord, and Zoom, it's great for communicating with family and friends. Let me show you one with a member of my team. (Show the screen as James tries to connect to a member as the screen shows Eric Kurtzke)

TLOTA (Voice Only):
Hey there Eric, how have you been?

Eric Kurtzke:
Doing good, How about you?

TLOTA (Voice Only):
Hanging in there. Can't you tell by the burn marks on my neck? (Eric and James laugh) So Eric, did you test out that device I sent you?

Eric Kurtzke:
You bet James, Thanks to this Pandemic, A miracle would be needed to make sure your hair looks as good as it should and while going through all of the hassle of getting out and all of that, I highly recommend this Remington Hair and Beard trimmer, this works amazingly well to keep you looking good and of course, you can change your style to fit the season. If you want to save some money in the long run and wait out the pandemic in style then this sucker is for you. 

TLOTA (Voice Only):
Thanks, Eric, happy holidays!

Eric Kurtzke:
Merry Christmas and see you in January whether or not the world is ready. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Honestly, it'd take more than a few weeks at the time of this post, before the world is ready to return to normal before this pandemic. But if you have to go out and you need a mask and you're tired of the disposable ones that last more than five minutes, and you can use them all year long. Then I suggest this Bandana/Face mask Combo. What I like most is about them is the fact that they're lightweight, they're reusable, washable, and best of all, they work great when it comes to guys with glasses like myself. (James puts on the Bandana/ Face Mask Combo) The link will show the different designs, my favorite involves Camo because as much as I am an Internet Reviewer, I'm an outdoorsman and I like Camo but there other designs that I enjoy like the American Flag Designs. Also, it comes off as easily as it does come on (James takes his Bandana/ Face Mask Combo) Speaking of coming on and off easily, I actually find these holiday 3M Command Hooksand Hangers great for hanging stockings and what have you not and the best part, no damage as the decorations come off! And speaking of stuff coming off, this year whether or not it was because of the Quarantine or the Holidays, we all make the same New Year's Resolution to lose weight! This is where the next two gifts come from first off, we have the Sunny Health & Fitness EZ Stride Motorized Auto Assisted Under Desk Elliptical Peddler Exerciser. This elliptical fits incredibly under a table but I do suggest using it out in the open. When I and my family got it last year it was about eighty bucks before taxes. It really does a great job of getting the blood flowing. Also what helps me is, believe it or not, Yoga! (Cut to James in workout gear as he's in mid-DDP Yoga workout.) But not your momma's Yoga I do DDPYoga! Now I have the app on my tablet and about eight, nine dollars a month it's great if the nearest gym is either five towns over, too expensive, or thanks to this year going to be out of business, I have a CooSpo Heart Rate Monitor and I use it per their schedule and not only am I regaining some flexibility and strength that I had when I was younger plus it helps me feel better after a grueling day and if I'm up early enough I get it in early and I love how this gets me started and it keeps me going throughout the day. When I come back from commercial break, we're gonna get some more gifts that will probably help you survive 2021! 

(James goes into the seated position and stretches out and shouts "BANG!" as it fades to black. Cut to the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses dressed in Christmas Garb on a white background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before all while snow and jingling bells are heard and seen in the foreground. Return to the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses dressed in Christmas Garb on a white background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before all while snow and jingling bells are heard and seen in the foreground. Fade to James as he paces around in his room talking on his Personal cell phone)

TLOTA:
Well, I don't know where she is either! You know just because she likes me as much as she does you Chad does NOT give you the right to talk to me in that manner! (Ten seconds of silence) You're damned straight I sound more confident, a little verbal back and forth between myself and John Wayne can make a man more confident, especially when he helped me with a good verbal back and forth and a backhand to wake my brain cells! (Ten seconds of silence) Well watch his work, he may do you a world of good! (Paces and sees that the "Work" Sign is flashing) GAH! I'm BACK! Talk to you later, Merry Christmas or whatever you celebrate Chad! (James shuts off his personal cell phone.) Well as you can tell I have a personal cell phone, it's what my dad would've called a dumb phone, it only makes Phone Calls, it doesn't do anything but makes phone calls. I like the simplicity of this LG Cell phone, but for those who are wondering who my cell carrier is well, it's TracFone, I use their year refill cards for me to get the minutes I use without paying for extra things. There is an amazing value in such a product and its carrier and before I get nasty comments, they do have Smartphones, but I prefer the simpler phones. That's just me! Now onto some unique gaming consoles, this one I like the Super NES Classic it's a bit of a bank buster coming in with shipping and handling and who you purchase it from and if you grew up in the 1990s like I did I actually enjoyed playing the life out of this system and to show how bad I have gotten, I am going to try and play a round of "Starfox" and see how far I go! (Cut to James as he plays on the controller in the bottom right corner and the game footage taking the rest of the screen, Cut to James as he reacts. Cut to the video game footage as James gets annihilated.) One of the best things is the reset function, you can hide the failures. Plus there are two games that actually were planned for a North American release that got it through this little device. "Earthbound" & "Starfox 2". Speaking of things that got released in North America, let's check out some foreign films that will get people into the Christmas Spirit. (Cut to clips of certain foreign Christmas Films like "Joyeux Noel", "My Favorite Season" & "Tokyo Godfathers" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
These movies may not be your usual cup of Egg Nog but trust me if you have seen them they will help you feel that Christmas-y spirit even if you haven't felt it this year or if you think that something like "Joyeux Noel" can somehow reignite a spark of humanity that this year has seemingly seemed to have quashed then these movies might just do you a world of Christmas good. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
While Traveling this year was nearly impossible, fortunately, things may change in the upcoming year and I actually recommend some sites to help if and when we can travel again. Now, these are just a few sites I have seen that do well for my associates. We have travelocity.comtripadvisor.com, and expedia.com just to name a few and of course, you're going to need some certain places to stay and thankfully some sites can help in saving you some cash when you go to your favorite hotel and it is there that I have to stop this gift guide except for the top five movies I think should be on everyone's wish list. (Cut to certain movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover)

5) "Batman: Death In The Family" While technically a DC Short Animated movie, the reason it's at the bottom of the list is that the best part is also it's the weakest point about the thing, no matter what happens Jason Todd turns into a blood-hungry sociopath, while some parts show the what if he lives is in two different versions. The novelty of choosing the tale loses its luster after a few viewings. But if you check it out for the extra DC Short Animated movies that they put into the Blu-Ray, I can say you should get it just for the extras because the novelty does wear out after a while.

4) "Disney's Onward", One of the last cinematic releases from Disney & Pixar, I like the story of the movie that even if magic isn't seen or used in our daily lives, it's there. Also, the tale of these two brothers coming together on an adventure to make peace with their father who passed away is something I could relate to.  The characters have a great development, the story is well-paced and I could sit back and not get bored with the music what can I say, get this on Blu-Ray & Digital or check it out on Disney+

3) Superman: Man Of Tomorrow", The reason this one is in the middle of the list isn't because of the less than stellar re-imagining of the Superman Origin Story or the less than phenomenal animation, it's because quite honestly there is some good talent bringing life to these characters. Darren Criss does a phenomenal job as Clark Kent, as a rookie Superman eh not so much. Plus, Ryan Hurst as Lobo didn't do anything for me, Alexandria Daddario was good as Lois Lane and the rest of the cast do a decent job at the characters they perform. But since I am a Superman fanatic and I liked it for what it's worth and the fact the extra is one of my favorite two-part episodes of Superman The Animated Series "The Main Man" I wholly would get it just for the extra.

2) "SONIC The Hedgehog", While not Jim Carrey at his best, it does a really great job that it made me forget how much negative hype there was for the fact that Sonic looked like how he was supposed to look and the fact that he's working alongside James Marsden wasn't much for me to want to see it. Thankfully I did see it and I can honestly recommend you put this one under the Christmas tree. 

And at Number one

1) "Bill & Ted Face The Music", I'll get more into it in the new year but needless to say a lot of what made the first two movies as awesome and if this is the final chapter of the franchise, I'm glad to say it ended everything on the right note, Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter still have that great chemistry and I like how the movie ends and again, I will be talking about it during my January-March Season Premiere. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now before I do my end of December/end of the year countdown, I wanted to give you a present, someone who is up and coming thanks to her Reaction/Reviews on YouTube. Ashleigh Burton AKA Awkward Ashleigh The host of Millennial Movie Monday. (Cut to clips of Millennial Movie Monday as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
What I like about her videos so far is that she has been consistent, even though at the time of this post, she has only been doing it for months and yet she carries herself with such natural charisma and a likable personality and her facial expressions say so much because it is the first time Ashleigh sees these movies and you are reminded of when you first saw this movie. While Ashleigh and her cat Beans haven't seen that many movies, her reactions reminded me of the first time I saw some of the movies she has reacted and reviewed, for some it's my first time seeing them and some I check out afterward and to my surprise, I like some a little more than others, to me "Monty Python and The Holy Grail" was hilarious, but I guess watching re-runs of Monty Python's Flying Circus on Comedy Central when it was on in the 1990's probably helped me understand the humor of it. However she apparently didn't like "E.T.: The Extraterrestrial" and believe it or not during October she decided to check out some Scary movies while she wasn't a fan of the Alfred Hitchcock directed "Psycho" I can understand it's not everyone's cup of tea and I understand however I shared the "Pants To Be Darkened" fear she had with both "The Exorcist" & "Stanley Kubrick's The Shining" and on October 31st, she checked out the Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Najimy starred, Kenny Ortega Directed Halloween Cult Classic and killed it with her singing of "I'll Put A Spell On You!" she was that damned good! If you haven't checked her out yet, look for her in the link above and give her a watch. Currently, she's in the middle of "Merry Beans-mas" and I hope she finds this and I want her to know that she has a lot of potentials to be something amazing on the Internet and I hope Ashleigh continues to grow and be amazing. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And incidentally, Ashleigh, if you do check this out consider what I am about to say as a Christmas Present from one Internet personality to another, I was a representative of Manic-Expression.com would be glad to extend an invitation to become a contributor to the site. I think "Millennial Movie Mondays" would be an amazing addition to the site and you'll get to meet some great personalities and the review shows they do like RowdyC and his series TV Trash, Jamietud and his series "From Pages To Pictures", James Daniel Walsh and his series "James Talks DVDs" and so many others, go to the link and myself and others will help you grow because unlike a Meshuginah Schmuck from Chicago, we welcome all our talent to grow and something tells me you'd fit us (Overemphazing): EeeLike A Gloooveh! (Sounding normally): Don't know why I sounded like Jim Carrey there. Maybe you'll check out "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" around Super Bowl time. As for me, Top 10 Best moments of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans from this year and I am done with the year and I will see everyone in 2021! Until then I am James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and You know the rest. (James walks away and the scene fades to black, cuts to hours later as James looks at the Christmas decorations around his house as sad, somber Holiday music plays in the foreground. James continues to look at photos of his family and the family he lost over the past few years and the family he still has and cries to himself. James then decides to shut down the decorations and lie down on the couch in hopes to wake up in 2021 and as James just starts to sleep the scene fades to black. Cut to what is apparently days later as James wakes up in his bed in a new shirt and carpenter pants and his boots.)

TLOTA:
What the...? (James looks at his Morpher and sees a card in his Morpher. James reads"Just figured you could use a new look. My Christmas Gift to You James. Your love, Alex" and looks up as "The Finale (Part II)" from the "Batman Returns" soundtrack plays James looks out of the window to see a figure in the snow. James grabs a Winter Jacket as James runs out the door and tries to reach the figure but arrives just as the figure disappears. Cut to James looks to the left and down the road where he's standing the right and up the road where he's standing then upwards. Cut to James as he stands there in silence with his head held low as the snow starts to come down and the camera pulls back and pans up to the sky to see The American Flag in a signal light and a figure looks at the signal, the scene fades to black with the words "To HOPEFULLY Be Continued in "The Last Of The Americans: The Movie" in 2021...VERY Hopefully!" Scene fades to black)

Thursday, November 19, 2020

The Top 10 biggest Turkeys shown on MST3K

   (0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)


TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and quarantined. But thankfully I still have my MST3K Turkey Day Marathon! (Cut to host clips from MST3K as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And I am glad, it's one of the few good things that I have been anticipating this year! Ever since last year when Netflix gave this series the ax, I have taken any time I could to enjoy any classic episode and believe it or not after Netflix killed the series IFC gave every single episode a chance to be seen for a whole new Generation and after seeing a lot of them, I can say they have taken on some big as hell turkeys or truly bad movies. And today just before Thanksgiving I'm going to talk about the ten biggest turkeys in the history of MST3K. Here's how I'm breaking this list down, One) Jonah will get the number 10 spot and the number 5 spot, the rest will belong to Mike & Joel, Two) Some movies you know that have been on lists like this before like "Manos", "Hobgoblins", "Monster A Go-Go" & "Castle Of Fu Manchu" will be on this list and finally, expect a surprise entry here and there but be ready for the usual suspects on a list on MST3K and the worst movies they've had to deal with. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
With the usual formalities out of the way, let's dive into The Ten biggest Turkeys on MST3K(Cut to a field as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground and a camera looks around and James Pops up in Camo and starts shooting and The camera drops. Cut to the inside of an oven where what the camera symbolizes and James looking in before closing the door and the words "Top 10 Worst movies (AKA TURKEYS) on Mystery Science Theater 3000" are shown and James closes the door revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 10
(Cut to clips of the MST3K The Gauntlet Episode "Ator The Fighting Eagle" as James does a voiceover)

10) "Ator The Fighting Eagle"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Ay-Yi-Yi! It would be Apropos that the last episode in the revival have the worst movie of said revival would riff! I literally by the end of the first time I saw it, I felt like Rocky Balboa after taking on every one of his opponents in the Rocky movie franchise at once with only fifteen seconds rest per opponent  whether or not they got knocked out! As a matter of fact, there's a still image of me raising my hands in victory while a clip of "The Final Bell" by Bill Conti plays in the foreground. The movie itself was just disgusting! In the first fifteen minutes there was an incestuous wedding angle that never really left my mind EVEN AFTER THE PEOPLE WHO RAISED THE TWO OF THEM AS SIBLINGS TOLD THEM OTHERWISE STILL MADE IT ALL THE MORE UNCOMFORTABLE, A MENTOR WHO TURNS OUT TO BE THE PSYCH BAD GUY AND AN UNHOLY MESS OF A SWORD AND SORCERY PLOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES AND EVEN A VETERAN RIFFER WOULD CALL IT QUITS AT THE END OF THE MOVIE. The good news? At the end of the episode, even though everyone else is now stuck on tour which as of this post they're stuck in the Deep Hurting due to well let's face it 2020 and as for Kinga and Max (Tv's Son of Tv's Frank)? They're trapped watching every single experiment until they go cuckoo themselves, which is probably bad news for Jonah or whoever they bring in to revive the series again. But as for the movie itself? "Ator The Fighting Eagle" UGH!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Olivia looking in and using a Bulb Baster and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 9
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" as James does a voiceover)

9) "Manos: The Hands Of Fate"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This one is actually one of my favorite episodes and to be honest wouldn't even crack my top 100 of really bad movies, Ever! Don't get me wrong, it's a slog to sit through! "Manos" should've faded into obscurity had it not been for Frank Conniff AKA TV's Frank who saw it and suggest it for the fourth season's finale. The rest is MST3K history, one of the phrases of the series is "Keep Circulating The Tapes" or in case of the revival "Keep Circulating The URLs" and this episode is one of those you keep doing it. Between Horrible Acting, Directing, Dubbing, Editing and Scenes that go on for what feels like an eternity and a half, this movie without riffing would be unbearable! However there is something that grabs you unlike some movies featured on MST3K. This has something that is unforgettable no matter how hard you try!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground  where what the camera symbolizes and Renee putting in a Dressing dish in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 8
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders" as James does a voiceover)

8) Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders

TLOTA (Voiceover):
It's not really that bad in terms of an episode, the movie itself has a really big issue! This movie is a sloppy recut of a movie called "The Devil's Gift" which in itself is a ripoff of the Stephen King horror story "The Monkey". "The Devil's Gift" is basically about a killer Monkey Toy that kills when the cymbals crash! In "The Devil's Gift" the family buys it! However the Director of "Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders" decided to toss Merlin in saving the family at the Zero Hour. Throw in an out of nowhere story about a douchebag who decides it's a Marty-Mart-Mart idea to fiddle around with Merlin's book and after futzing around with it winds up an infant! Two stories horribly interwoven together in a Family film! Yeah people, this is supposedly a Family Film! Both stories are being told to a grandchild as a Grandpa played by the one and only Ernest Borgnine! So stuff like a guy roasting his cat, images of Satan, and a demonically possessed toy monkey are perfect family fare according to this numbnut jack ass of a movie maker! Apparently also according to the director, you should show kids Porn, "Showgirls", "The Room" and every R-Rated movie while you're at it! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground  where what the camera symbolizes and Paulo and Brenda Fonseca putting in their homemade Croissant Rolls in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.)  

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 7
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Monster a Go-Go" as James does a voiceover)

7) "Monster a Go-Go"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
MST3K Writer Paul Chaplain wrote in the MST3K Official Guide "Any topic that is about something (that is, any topic that exhibits "topicness") cannot, by definition, have anything to do with this movie". Nothing I can say to add because what can be said about this movie at all?! The movie itself has negative meaning! Nothing is in it. It may be a cheesy monster movie, but it has the biggest middle finger ending in the history of cinema, EVER! (Cut to the MST3K "Monster A Go-Go" ending.) That's right people, there was no monster in this "Movie" at all! It might as well have ended with  the narrator saying "We wasted hours of your life and left you empty! HA-HA-HA! You Suck, We Win!"  "Monster A Go-Go"! Monster A Go-Go Screw yourself with a rusty three inch drill bit and lick a corroded chainsaw while it's running! 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Nick Yaun puts in a Green Bean Casserole in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 6
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "The Incredibly Strange Creatures That Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies" as James does a voiceover)

6) "The Incredibly Strange Creatures That Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies" or here by abbreviated as "TISCTLABMUZ"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"TISCTLABMUZ" was advertised as "The First Monster Movie Musical"! However the musical numbers grind this movie and it's "plot" to a screeching halt EVERY GOD DAMNED TIME! Toss in the fact that every single character is an asshole and a racist portrayal of a Romanian Woman. The movie is a mess! But it's not boring a lot of the movie is so trippy, you'll feel like you have taken so much illicit material (Which according to some new laws in certain states is now officially legal which states are they? Well they're on my no travel to states as of right now!) to the point of a.... (Cut to the "Super Freak Out" moment in MST3K)

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Rebecca Yaun moving the Stuffing over and placing a Sweet Potato Pie in the oven  and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 5
(Cut to clips of MST3K "Starcrash" Episode as James does a voiceover)

5) "Starcrash"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This David Hasselhoff, Caroline Munro, Christopher Plummer English Rip-Off of a "Turkish Star Wars" clone was so awful  The Host segments outside were what saved the episode. The movie itself had me crying in pain wishing I was Obi-Wan Kenobi when he took on Vader in the original "Star Wars" movie. How this movie ever make it past conception, I will never know. Kylo Ren, If you'd please (Cut to clip of Kylo Ren as his lightsaber ignites and stabs the poster for "Starcrash" in "The Force Awakens" and then it falls to the wayside. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Thank you!
 
(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and John Ross Santos moving the Croissant Rolls and placing in a tray of 100 Pigs In A Blanket in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 4
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "The Beast Of Yucca Flats" as James does a voiceover)

4) "The Beast Of Yucca Flats"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Want to know what happened in this movie? Simply put "Absolutely Nothing!" Actually, I take it back, less than nothing is in this movie! No characters, no story, no plot not a god damned thing! I had more fun watching cheese age! People are killed and they take it the same way I take a poop! The narration tells us facts I'd rather be seeing than being told. The main movie rule is "SHOW, DON'T TELL!" The narrator tells us how ironic Javorsky is now a monster when he was a kind and sweet scientist. If I knew who he was BEFORE he became a monster, then I'd care! But as is, The Beast Of Yucca Flats! YUCK! 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Mike Santos as He places corn in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 3
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Attack Of The Eye Creatures" as James does a voiceover)

3) "Attack Of The Eye Creatures"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I can honestly say watching this movie is as painful as getting my balls waxed! (Don't Ask!) This movie was just so half assed, I'm surprised everyone in the movie didn't walk out on the movie unless the pay was so good they said to themselves "Just get through principle photography!" Even though the characters weren't complete and total assholes like in "TISCTLABMUZ", "Hobgoblins" or "Killer Fish", they were as annoying as all get out but the worst has to be without a shadow of a doubt were the crew watching the radar readout on the monitors! Every second of them drove Joel and the bots to rage induced manslaughter! By the end of the episode instead of going to a letter from a fan or something funny, Joel and The Bots go over how bad the movie was! (Cut to the clip of Joel, Tom Servo and Crow talking about the movie again and how They Just Didn't Care! Cut back to the episode as James does a voiceover) Even after Joel and The Bots flat out tell everyone what was wrong about the movie, The MADs tried to defend themselves and their movie choice and even they can't do that! A movie so bad that if MST3K don't make jokes at the end about it well Joel and The Bots say it best (Cut to the MST3K Clip of Joel and the Bots as they say "THEY JUST DIDN'T CARE!". Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
Well put!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Ed Champion and Andrew Beach placing a Pumpkin and Apple Pie in the oven before closing the door revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 2
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Hobgoblins" as James does a voiceover)

2) Hobgoblins

TLOTA (Voiceover):
It wouldn't be a worst MST3K movies list without this one on it! Your generic bad late 1980's "Gremlins"/"Critters" knock off! The movie is as boring as eating cardboard with even less flavor than cardboard! And just like "TISCTLABMUZ", the characters are complete and total assholes! It has no idea whether or not it's trying to be scary or funny! And the craziest part about it? Rick Sloane, the director of the movie requested this movie be featured on MST3K! That's right, HE LITTERALY ASKED FOR IT! You may as well have given Ted Nugent an automatic weapon with unlimited ammo and pray he doesn't go after his enemies with it! The premise of the series is that a test subject is forced to be subjected to a bad movie. A... BAD... MOVIE! Well apparently he was fine with the riffs on the movie but when they made fun of  Rick, he was put off with how they attacked him! AGAIN! DID RICK EVEN WATCH AN EPISODE?! The MST3K "Whose Who" of enemies list reads like a list of unknowns and hack has been actors and filmmakers like Ed Wood, Sandy Frank and Coleman Francis! However it wasn't all bad for Rick because of the notoriety, he was able to make a sequel for Hobgoblins which, for the record MST3K hasn't touched it and if they do MST3K better make sure Rick signs a waiver making sure he won't attack them.(Cut to the MST3K "Hobgoblins" host segment in which Mike, Servo and Crow cardboard cutouts sing. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So with 99 percent of the usual suspects done, I might as well go all the way and show you.. 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground where what the camera symbolizes and Eric Kurtzke placing in Baked Potatoes in the oven and closing the door. However the weight of what's in the oven to fall causing a crater in the Kitchen as it cuts to James looking down in the crater and shouting "GUYS!" and walking away where the oven was revealing the Number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 The Number One Turkey shown on MST3K ever...

(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "The Castle Of Fu Manchu" as James does a voiceover)

1) "The Castle Of Fu Manchu"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Watching this one you may need to be hospitalized and put on a Suicide watch for about ten years! From the little bit of "Story" in this clunker, Fu Manchu played by Christopher Lee wants to freeze every ounce of water but needs a scientist that's dying and captures a surgeon to transplant a heart while a daughter is trying to avenge her father who was harmed or killed by Fu Manchu, THIS MOVIE IS A GOD DAMNED NUCLEAR MESS AND A HALF! THE EDITING IS WORSE THAN "Fishtales"! AND THAT'S A STATEMENT I DON'T MAKE LIGHTLY! Even worse, this movie was the one that nearly shattered Joel and The Bots! By the third act in the movie, they can't keep up the jokes in the theater segments! It dissolves into open tears, sobbing caused by pain from this movie. So as far as every MSTie can tell you "Castle Of Fu Manchu" is without a shadow of a doubt, the bottom of the barrel of movies ever shown on MST3K! (Show ending where Frank admits they could've made jokes but there was nothing funny about the movie itself. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Are there any that I missed, let me know in the comments section below and how you survived! And speaking of Survival, next month is December which means another Christmas Shopping Guide but this year, it'll be a little different from the last one, especially after what everyone has been through may just be the tip of the iceberg (The Sound of the MST3K Turkey Day Hymn plays in the Foreground) But that's for next month! For now, The MST3K Turkey Day Marathon calls! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion! Woo-Hoo!