(Scene begins as
“Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team
TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make
the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible
then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as
they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the
outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as
the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well after the success of the first movie, Universal saw dollar signs in that there pie and decided to take a second slice! (Cut to title card of “American Pie 2”. Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well after the success of the first movie, Universal saw dollar signs in that there pie and decided to take a second slice! (Cut to title card of “American Pie 2”. Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
“American Pie 2” continues the adventures of Jim, Oz, Stiffler, Kevin and the rest of the gang as they take a summer break after their first years in college, see if the feelings they have for one another is real or was just a flaky crust filled with lies. (Cut to James physically)
“American Pie 2” continues the adventures of Jim, Oz, Stiffler, Kevin and the rest of the gang as they take a summer break after their first years in college, see if the feelings they have for one another is real or was just a flaky crust filled with lies. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So let’s see if this slice is as good as the first one, this is “American Pie 2”. (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
So let’s see if this slice is as good as the first one, this is “American Pie 2”. (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Our movie opens in college as Jim and a lady friend as he tries to continue his sexual escapades just as Jim’s parents played again by Eugene Levy and Molly Cheek surprise him in mid-escapade leading to Jim’s dad dropping the beer, Jim becoming embarrassed, Jim’s mom to drop a pie (NOT THAT KIND! GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTERS) And Jim’s lady friend’s father to come in and nearly kill Jim. After our opening credit, we see Oz studying as Stiffler continues to be as annoying as anyone like him would be. After getting through a final exam for the year Oz picks up Heather and Kevin joins them. Back with Jim, as he is staying with his parents in what fans of this franchise has called “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” as his thoughts turn to his friends and Nadia. Jim’s dad tells how he found out about the Nadia incident through the PTA and how he and Jim’s mom did it for the first time. After that Finch, Jim, Kevin and Oz meet at their hangout as they talk about their conquests in their freshman college year, which I would not divulge even to my friends. Meanwhile Stiffler is fast tracking himself to devolving into a Quagmire knockoff! (Cut to James physically)
Our movie opens in college as Jim and a lady friend as he tries to continue his sexual escapades just as Jim’s parents played again by Eugene Levy and Molly Cheek surprise him in mid-escapade leading to Jim’s dad dropping the beer, Jim becoming embarrassed, Jim’s mom to drop a pie (NOT THAT KIND! GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTERS) And Jim’s lady friend’s father to come in and nearly kill Jim. After our opening credit, we see Oz studying as Stiffler continues to be as annoying as anyone like him would be. After getting through a final exam for the year Oz picks up Heather and Kevin joins them. Back with Jim, as he is staying with his parents in what fans of this franchise has called “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” as his thoughts turn to his friends and Nadia. Jim’s dad tells how he found out about the Nadia incident through the PTA and how he and Jim’s mom did it for the first time. After that Finch, Jim, Kevin and Oz meet at their hangout as they talk about their conquests in their freshman college year, which I would not divulge even to my friends. Meanwhile Stiffler is fast tracking himself to devolving into a Quagmire knockoff! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Seriously dude, someone needs to call SVU and give him a hard way to go! AGAIN, HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTERS! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
Seriously dude, someone needs to call SVU and give him a hard way to go! AGAIN, HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTERS! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim is reminded of The Nadia incident again, Oz must say goodbye to Heather, While Heather and Vicki return just in time to come to Stiffler’s party. As Kevin and Vicki try to reignite some old sparks, Stiffler tries to return Oz to his old chauvinistic self and Finch is creepily perv stalking Stiffler’s mom! However old wounds are opened as Stiffler catches Finch in the act and nearly kills the dude! Not long after that Stiffler decides to woo a teenager with as Chris Jericho has been known for saying as of late (Cut to Chris Jericho saying, “A Little Bit Of The Bubbly!” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) However one Patron can’t hold his piss and long story short Stiffler gets a Golden Shower instead of the lady he was into at the party! As the cops breaks the party up. Kevin and his brother talk about how he feels somewhat disconnected from the other and Kevin’s brother decides to help by getting him a lake shore place so that he, Jim, Finch and Oz can spend the summer with each otherer and bond. Just as that goes on Nadia got back into the country legally, I hope, and gets a chance to talk to Jim and Nadia is coming to meet him at the end of the summer! (Cut to James physically)
As Jim is reminded of The Nadia incident again, Oz must say goodbye to Heather, While Heather and Vicki return just in time to come to Stiffler’s party. As Kevin and Vicki try to reignite some old sparks, Stiffler tries to return Oz to his old chauvinistic self and Finch is creepily perv stalking Stiffler’s mom! However old wounds are opened as Stiffler catches Finch in the act and nearly kills the dude! Not long after that Stiffler decides to woo a teenager with as Chris Jericho has been known for saying as of late (Cut to Chris Jericho saying, “A Little Bit Of The Bubbly!” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) However one Patron can’t hold his piss and long story short Stiffler gets a Golden Shower instead of the lady he was into at the party! As the cops breaks the party up. Kevin and his brother talk about how he feels somewhat disconnected from the other and Kevin’s brother decides to help by getting him a lake shore place so that he, Jim, Finch and Oz can spend the summer with each otherer and bond. Just as that goes on Nadia got back into the country legally, I hope, and gets a chance to talk to Jim and Nadia is coming to meet him at the end of the summer! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Well Jim, you’re boned! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
Well Jim, you’re boned! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Worried he might not be able to get it done, AGAIN! Oz and Finch try to reassure Jim he’ll be fine just as Kevin gets the cabin and hope for the best this summer. However, leave it to Stiffler to join them and make it hard for them to enjoy said summer. Kevin lays out some ground rules and hopes Stiffler and Finch can remain in neutral corners. As the five set themselves up in their cabin, Kevin gets them a summer job. Meanwhile Jim thinks of Michelle as he stalks her by going to her band camp! (Cut to James physically)
Worried he might not be able to get it done, AGAIN! Oz and Finch try to reassure Jim he’ll be fine just as Kevin gets the cabin and hope for the best this summer. However, leave it to Stiffler to join them and make it hard for them to enjoy said summer. Kevin lays out some ground rules and hopes Stiffler and Finch can remain in neutral corners. As the five set themselves up in their cabin, Kevin gets them a summer job. Meanwhile Jim thinks of Michelle as he stalks her by going to her band camp! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay this movie is close to getting restraining orders from EVERYONE on my team! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
Okay this movie is close to getting restraining orders from EVERYONE on my team! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim finds Michelle teaching Flute to some campers, Jim asks if he was any good, Michelle says he was not! OUCH! However, Michelle decides to get Jim to stay incognito and wouldn’t you know it, Summer Camp hilarity does NOT ensue as Jim is given a trombone, mistaken for someone named Petey and can’t play for crap and blows it. I swear I think a title they floated around was “Jim Levinstein’s Life as an embarrassing and never ending spiral of shame and sadness, leading to him eventually killing himself taking down a perv named Steve Stiffler in a van down by the river” But went with the American Pie moniker because it was simpler! As Kevin sets up a party in which the guests are 99% male and 1% female. But leave it to Stiffler to try and add more ladies to the party which surprisingly works. After that Jessica and Stiffler talk about the opposite ends of “The Rule Of Three” whatever that means! The five pie guys discover ladies live in the house they’re painting. Meanwhile Heather and Oz quickly discover that distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder so get that through your heads humanity and they hit the rough shores of Phone sex as the two are cockblocked by Stiffler! Speaking of Stiffler, he tries to prove his theory right by searching through their house and wouldn’t you know Jim, Stiffler and Finch are busted and forced to kiss and the fact they get busted as it’s heard throughout town! Even worse, Stiffler’s theory of them being Lesbians is blown out of the water! (Cut to James physically)
As Jim finds Michelle teaching Flute to some campers, Jim asks if he was any good, Michelle says he was not! OUCH! However, Michelle decides to get Jim to stay incognito and wouldn’t you know it, Summer Camp hilarity does NOT ensue as Jim is given a trombone, mistaken for someone named Petey and can’t play for crap and blows it. I swear I think a title they floated around was “Jim Levinstein’s Life as an embarrassing and never ending spiral of shame and sadness, leading to him eventually killing himself taking down a perv named Steve Stiffler in a van down by the river” But went with the American Pie moniker because it was simpler! As Kevin sets up a party in which the guests are 99% male and 1% female. But leave it to Stiffler to try and add more ladies to the party which surprisingly works. After that Jessica and Stiffler talk about the opposite ends of “The Rule Of Three” whatever that means! The five pie guys discover ladies live in the house they’re painting. Meanwhile Heather and Oz quickly discover that distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder so get that through your heads humanity and they hit the rough shores of Phone sex as the two are cockblocked by Stiffler! Speaking of Stiffler, he tries to prove his theory right by searching through their house and wouldn’t you know Jim, Stiffler and Finch are busted and forced to kiss and the fact they get busted as it’s heard throughout town! Even worse, Stiffler’s theory of them being Lesbians is blown out of the water! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
TO EVERY LGBTQ PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE, THE GALAXY AND BEYOND AS A HETEROSEXUAL MALE WHO IS INTO WOMEN AND A REPUBLICAN WHICH MEANS, IN THE MAINSTREAM NEWS/MEDIA, I, THE “ENEMY” OF YOUR EXISTENCE ONE HUNDRED TRILLION, DECA-QUADRILLION PERCENT MEAN WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY! I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS MOVIE FRANCHISE’S EXISTANCE! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
TO EVERY LGBTQ PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE, THE GALAXY AND BEYOND AS A HETEROSEXUAL MALE WHO IS INTO WOMEN AND A REPUBLICAN WHICH MEANS, IN THE MAINSTREAM NEWS/MEDIA, I, THE “ENEMY” OF YOUR EXISTENCE ONE HUNDRED TRILLION, DECA-QUADRILLION PERCENT MEAN WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY! I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS MOVIE FRANCHISE’S EXISTANCE! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Stiffler tries to make up for their mishaps, his mother calls to tell she’s going to be in town for the party and Jim invites Michelle to the shindig and to wonder why she left. Her rational? It was a date and that was it, there was nothing more to it! (Cut to Naked Gun 33 & 1/3 head slapping scene. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover) As Michelle tries to give pointers to Jim it appears the two are getting closer to an actual romantic relationship! If that happens, I’ma calling “Ripley’s”! Meanwhile our friends continue their plans for the party Jim mistakes Super Glue for personal lubricant and with one hand on his junk and the other on a porn tape! Seriously Jim, your life is a series of mishaps that end with you getting drunk and killing yourself in a van down by the river! After that Jim now questions how messed up his life is! But the fact that James’ dad has his back is a positive. After that, Heather and Oz continue to sail on rough waters on the relationship. Just as that goes on Nadia surprises Jim by arriving a week early. Coming up with a plan quickly Michelle and Jim begin a fake romance which quickly and surprisingly start to become real even though he tries to still hook up with Nadia. (Cut to James physically as he takes off his glasses)
As Stiffler tries to make up for their mishaps, his mother calls to tell she’s going to be in town for the party and Jim invites Michelle to the shindig and to wonder why she left. Her rational? It was a date and that was it, there was nothing more to it! (Cut to Naked Gun 33 & 1/3 head slapping scene. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover) As Michelle tries to give pointers to Jim it appears the two are getting closer to an actual romantic relationship! If that happens, I’ma calling “Ripley’s”! Meanwhile our friends continue their plans for the party Jim mistakes Super Glue for personal lubricant and with one hand on his junk and the other on a porn tape! Seriously Jim, your life is a series of mishaps that end with you getting drunk and killing yourself in a van down by the river! After that Jim now questions how messed up his life is! But the fact that James’ dad has his back is a positive. After that, Heather and Oz continue to sail on rough waters on the relationship. Just as that goes on Nadia surprises Jim by arriving a week early. Coming up with a plan quickly Michelle and Jim begin a fake romance which quickly and surprisingly start to become real even though he tries to still hook up with Nadia. (Cut to James physically as he takes off his glasses)
TLOTA:
Jim, you have got to be the BIGGEST SCHMUCK ON THE PLANET! WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU HAVE A BAND CAMP GIRL THAT OKAY YOU STALKED BUT STILL SHE’S GIVING YOU THE TIME OF DAY AND WILL ROCK YOUR SOCK OFF TO JUPITER AND BACK! ANY GUY, EVEN A POOR HAPLESS JACKASS LIKE ME WOULD WALK BAREFOOT, BUCKNAKED AND BACKWARDS THROUGH HELL FOR THAT! YOU PUTZ! I TAKE BACK ANY SYMPATHETIC NOTION I HAD ABOUT YOU AND I MEAN EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF MISERY YOU BRING UPON YOURSELF TO THE POINT YOU WIND UP OFFING YOURSELF IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER! Okay, now that I got that out of my system, let’s get back to work (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
Jim, you have got to be the BIGGEST SCHMUCK ON THE PLANET! WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU HAVE A BAND CAMP GIRL THAT OKAY YOU STALKED BUT STILL SHE’S GIVING YOU THE TIME OF DAY AND WILL ROCK YOUR SOCK OFF TO JUPITER AND BACK! ANY GUY, EVEN A POOR HAPLESS JACKASS LIKE ME WOULD WALK BAREFOOT, BUCKNAKED AND BACKWARDS THROUGH HELL FOR THAT! YOU PUTZ! I TAKE BACK ANY SYMPATHETIC NOTION I HAD ABOUT YOU AND I MEAN EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF MISERY YOU BRING UPON YOURSELF TO THE POINT YOU WIND UP OFFING YOURSELF IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER! Okay, now that I got that out of my system, let’s get back to work (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim and Michelle fake break up so he can hook up with Nadia, Michelle discovers something she never felt, real emotions for Jim outside of knowing he’s the embarrassment of his graduating class and she honey potted him! But no time for that, it’s party time. Kevin loses Vicki to a date, Nadia sees that Jim loves Michelle more than her and basically says “GET HER BACK YOU SCHMUCK!” after telling Nadia his band camp story and he realizes his feelings for Michelle, Kevin decides to move on past Vicki, Stiffler’s little brother actually arrives not Stiffler’s mom and tries to hook up with older women but Stiffler puts him on Police patrol but finds himself with the fake lesbians on the radio, Finch tells ladies about tantra, Heather and Oz reunite after a summer apart, Sherman and Nadia surprisingly hook up! The fake lesbians arrive, and Stiffler says he’ll do anything for them, just as Michelle performs her solo Jim arrives trombone in hand and the two fall in love right there and then! And I immediately regret my rant. As the party ends everyone finds themselves in the best point in their lives. And as the Summer ends Stiffler’s mom arrives and before you can say “Stat Rape level 2” She and Finch drive off into the sunset! What a way to end the second movie?! (Cut to James physically)
As Jim and Michelle fake break up so he can hook up with Nadia, Michelle discovers something she never felt, real emotions for Jim outside of knowing he’s the embarrassment of his graduating class and she honey potted him! But no time for that, it’s party time. Kevin loses Vicki to a date, Nadia sees that Jim loves Michelle more than her and basically says “GET HER BACK YOU SCHMUCK!” after telling Nadia his band camp story and he realizes his feelings for Michelle, Kevin decides to move on past Vicki, Stiffler’s little brother actually arrives not Stiffler’s mom and tries to hook up with older women but Stiffler puts him on Police patrol but finds himself with the fake lesbians on the radio, Finch tells ladies about tantra, Heather and Oz reunite after a summer apart, Sherman and Nadia surprisingly hook up! The fake lesbians arrive, and Stiffler says he’ll do anything for them, just as Michelle performs her solo Jim arrives trombone in hand and the two fall in love right there and then! And I immediately regret my rant. As the party ends everyone finds themselves in the best point in their lives. And as the Summer ends Stiffler’s mom arrives and before you can say “Stat Rape level 2” She and Finch drive off into the sunset! What a way to end the second movie?! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And that was “American Pie 2” and as a sequel it’s no “Empire Strikes Back” but when it comes to raising the bar in its own universe, it didn’t need to do that much. (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
And that was “American Pie 2” and as a sequel it’s no “Empire Strikes Back” but when it comes to raising the bar in its own universe, it didn’t need to do that much. (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
While I did find parts of it interesting, like the continuation of where the story started and most of the character development is positive though I wish we got some explanation as to why certain characters are like. Say why Michelle just seems to be so dismissive towards men’s advances. Or why Stiffler continues to act like a high school jackass, even though he’s in college. Plus, much like the first movie, it shows its age quickly. However, despite my problems with it, I do find it entertaining. A Popcorn flick for those who are 18 and over but otherwise not the worst movie in the franchise. A good second movie in a series and I don’t think it will be forgotten any time soon. (Cut to James as he hears a knock on the door)
While I did find parts of it interesting, like the continuation of where the story started and most of the character development is positive though I wish we got some explanation as to why certain characters are like. Say why Michelle just seems to be so dismissive towards men’s advances. Or why Stiffler continues to act like a high school jackass, even though he’s in college. Plus, much like the first movie, it shows its age quickly. However, despite my problems with it, I do find it entertaining. A Popcorn flick for those who are 18 and over but otherwise not the worst movie in the franchise. A good second movie in a series and I don’t think it will be forgotten any time soon. (Cut to James as he hears a knock on the door)
TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller opens the door and walks in)
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller opens the door and walks in)
Julia Alexa Miller:
So how much longer do you have before you’re done. (Julia Alexa Miller walks to James)
So how much longer do you have before you’re done. (Julia Alexa Miller walks to James)
TLOTA:
I’ve got two more theatrical releases and the four straight-to-DVD films. But you know something, I’ll take a break until next month to continue with the rest of this! (James and Julia Alexa Miller kiss)
I’ve got two more theatrical releases and the four straight-to-DVD films. But you know something, I’ll take a break until next month to continue with the rest of this! (James and Julia Alexa Miller kiss)
Julia Alexa Miller:
So what’s the plan for what we have coming up?
So what’s the plan for what we have coming up?
TLOTA:
Well I’m thinking for the first time in years I wait until Feb. 15th to continue (Audible gasps are heard) There’s a reason why! Let’s just say I’ve got for the first time in a long time to celebrate Valentine’s Day. So, see everyone on the 15th, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!
Well I’m thinking for the first time in years I wait until Feb. 15th to continue (Audible gasps are heard) There’s a reason why! Let’s just say I’ve got for the first time in a long time to celebrate Valentine’s Day. So, see everyone on the 15th, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!
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