(The scene begins outside of a door, which leads to a phone ringing as James tumbles out to answer the phone in Black and White.)
TLOTA:
Hello? What? No, I just came off a 69-hour shift getting everything done for the end of 2023. I’m taking a day off to sleep. Why don’t you call Rowdy? Because I’m fucking tired! I don’t have the energy today. Okay, fine, Chad, I’ll be there by eight-thirty AM! Swear, I swear it. If I’m not, you can cancel the whole thing. That was your plan from Day one of joining me, wasn’t it? Just shut up, and I’ll be there. (James shuts off the phone as it cuts to a black screen with the words “The Last Of The Americans’ Kevin Smith Marathon” and the song "Clerks" by Love Among Freaks" plays throughout the foreground of the intro then cuts to James as he gets ready then cuts to the names on a black screen “James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun” on a black screen then cuts to James as he gets ready even further by having breakfast then cuts to the names “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” on a black screen then cutting to James getting his ride to his studio as he gets chewed out and walks out to the front of his studio then cuts to the names “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller & Olivia Horvath” on a black screen as it then cuts to James as he turns on the lights for another year of reviews then cuts to the words “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Olivia Horvath” on a black screen then cuts to James as he notices that he is out of newspapers and pays for a load with change at a newspaper dispenser and surprisingly gets the exact change back. Then finds his usual sign unavailable and makes one from Shoe Polish and a white tarpaulin, which he straps to the front of the building as it cuts to “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” on a black screen, then jumps to James feeling exhausted then cuts to “Written and Directed by James Faraci” on a black screen then cuts to the sign made by shoe polish saying “I assure you, we will get through 2024!” Then, cutting to the words “The Different Cuts of “CLERKS,” then cutting to James as he adjusts the camera to film in color.)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. And this year, we’re starting off with “The Different Cuts”
(Whistling version “The Lumberjack Song” is heard as the scene cuts to Team TLOTA dressed as Lumberjacks see a gigantic piece of film celluloid and James chops it down and the other members cut it to different lengths and on the ends sticking out of the back of the truck the words “The Different Cuts” are seen in differing syllables. as it cuts to clips of “CLERKS” and James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
When it comes to it, "CLERKS” is that Great American independent film. It was made on the budget of, I'd have to say, three months' worth of groceries by today's standards. And there's a charm to it. I've loved this film since I first saw it. It made me believe That I could become a filmmaker, and given everything I've been through, it's clear that it's not happening in this lifetime. However, the version we saw was basically the edited version. And the version Kevin Smith originally directed was shown once, and someone there said to a monstrous piece of shit, “With some edits, we got ourselves a hit!” and it is to this day. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
However, because he did release those scenes as deleted scenes on the DVD, and then for the tenth anniversary DVD and Blu-ray home market releases, the original cut is also available with the theatrical cut as well as subsequent releases on the home market, which makes it worthy of “The Different Cuts.” This time, I will start with the most important change in this movie. The Editing! (Cut to both the theatrical version of the Logo and the movie version of the Logo, and in the same text as the movie version, the word “Editing” as bongo drums play, then it cuts to clips of the movies as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
For many years, the scenes that were deleted from the theatrical cut have been seen as deleted scenes on the film's original release on DVD. However, Kevin showed the original version he made as a bonus DVD for the tenth anniversary DVD and all future releases on Blu-Ray and all the other ways the movie was released to the home market. While the Chewlies Gum Representative’s anti-smoking rant isn’t important, the original ending is the most important part. And since it is the end we’re discussing a major spoiler is in effect! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! In the theatrical cut, Dante and Randal close the shop, and the two end their day on a good note after a day of hell. The original version has that but something else. Dante is finalizing the closing of the shop for the night when a person brandishing a gun kills Dante, takes the cash from the register, and leaves Dante to die from the wound; the credits roll. We have a post-credit scene with Kevin Smith as a non-descript character taking cigarettes with the possibility that Dante is a rotting corpse that won’t be found until after the fact. Brian O’Halloran didn’t like that ending, and according to Kevin Smith, he didn’t know how to end the movie. Thankfully, Bob Hawk and John Pierson convinced Kevin to cut it and some scenes that would have dragged out the movie’s runtime and ruined any goodwill that had been accomplished beforehand. However, looking at both objectively. I still love the one everyone loves, and the original version is surprisingly good, even with the ending. So, which one was better edited? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Well, this is one of two times that we will have a tie in these proceedings. Why? (Cut to clips of both versions of “CLERKS” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Both cuts tell the story of Dante’s day at the Quick Stop rather well. The only difference was how it ended. Would you rather see Dante barely survive the day with his small amount of sanity back, or would you rather see Dante fully accept his fate and die a miserable death, all for the crime of being forced to be responsible to work at the Quick Stop? And even when they set up the ending of the original cut, it was well-timed. (Cut to James Physically)
TLOTA:
Point goes to both the Original and the Theatrical cut
(Cut to both the theatrical version of the Logo and the movie version of the Logo and the theatrical version with a Kevin Smith head and thumbs up. Cut to both the theatrical version of the Logo and the movie version of the Logo, and in the same text as the movie version, the word “The Plot” as it cuts to clips of the movies as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Forced to come in on his day off after working a full day at the Quick Stop, Dante Hicks must meander his way through the nightmare of working another day at the Quick Stop, and by his side is Randal Graves, who comes in late working at the adjacent business RST Video while having some unique and eclectic discussions. (Cut to the clips of Dante and Randal talking about Dante’s Ex-Girlfriend Caitlin Bree. The fate of Independent Contractors that were hired by the Empire to build the Death Star in between “The Empire Strikes Back” and “Return Of The Jedi.” Cut to clips of their more outrageous incidents as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Then, of course, the two of them use the roof of the Quick Stop as a makeshift hockey rink and then go to a wake when one of Dante’s ex-girlfriends passed away; the chaos after they return from the wake and all the events to cap off, for Dante, one of the worst days of his life. And I will let Dante explain what happened (Cut to the end of the brawl between Dante and Randal as Dante tells Randal all he and Randal did wrong. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So which cut used the plot to its best efforts? (Cut to clips of both versions of “CLERKS” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As I mentioned in the editing portion of this review, the original ending would’ve been the caper of the worst day of Dante’s existence to that point in the original ending. The theatrical cut showed that Dante survived by the bare thread of sanity many people have at the end of the day. And this is where I think the theatrical cut of “CLERKS” has the advantage. It gave the plot a solid amount of time to have a life of its own. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So it’s with that fact that I give the point to the theatrical cut
(Cut to both the theatrical version of the Logo and the movie version of the Logo with one Kevin Smith Head and a thumbs up and the theatrical version with two Kevin Smith heads and two thumbs up. Cut to both the theatrical version of the Logo and the movie version of the Logo and in the same text as the movie version the word “Cast & Characters” as bongo drums play then cuts to clips of the movies as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
With such a minimalistic cast I am surprised with how they showed how talented they were. With Brian O’Halloran as Dante Hicks, Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves, Jason Mewes as Jay, Kevin Smith as Silent Bob, Scott Mosier as Willam, Walt Flannigan as a myriad of characters, Marilyn Ghigliotti as Veronica, and of course, the late Lisa Spoonauer as Caitlyn Bray. This could have easily been a prototype for “The Room” in terms of its acting. However, Kevin must have had some secret weapon to make every actor perform amazingly in his work. So, which cut has the better performance? Given that everyone doesn’t stink in both cuts, it is worth checking out both versions of “CLERKS.” I would gladly hear Veronica talk about how she sucked 37 dicks (Cut to the clip of the customer saying, “In a row?”. Cut to clips of the movies as James does a voiceover.) It was so close but because the theatrical cut was better than the original version in the usage of the plot the theatrical cut goes up to three points, but the original version isn’t slouching off, it’s fighting with two points.
(Cut to both the theatrical version of the Logo and the movie version of the Logo with two Kevin Smith heads and two thumbs up and the theatrical version with three Kevin Smith heads and three thumbs up. Cut to both the theatrical version of the Logo and the movie version of the Logo, and in the same text as the movie version, the word “The Re-Watch Factor” as bongo drums play, then cuts to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Watching both versions again has made me understand why these cuts were like night and day. Both are enjoying; however, as much as I love seeing the original version, seeing Dante die again and again gets tiresome. I see why the theatrical version was more well-received and why the theatrical version is the cult classic slice-of-life movie of the 1990s. But which cut is the better cut of the movie that made Kevin Smith a cinematic household name? Given that both are available, I truly can say that if I were to ask someone who had never seen “CLERKS” before, I would say go for the theatrical cut, THEN check out the original version. So, though it may upset Kevin Smith and View Askewniverse fans, I think the theatrical cut is superior because seeing Dante try again to get his life together after one of the worst days of his life. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And it is with that the theatrical cut is the best. Although if you want to say why the Original Cut is in the comments section, I truly will listen and be glad to hear you out.
(Cut to both the theatrical version of the Logo and the movie version of the Logo with two Kevin Smith Head and two thumbs up and the theatrical version with four Kevin Smith heads and four thumbs up as bongo drums play then cuts to the clip of Randal screaming “Oh Fuck You! Fuck You!” then cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
As for the after-effects of the success, Kevin Smith went on to make an entire cinematic universe before Marvel, and like any cinematic universe, it has its ups and downs. Its outstanding highlights take, for example, a cinematic attempt to basically tell people who don’t think Catholics and Christians have a good sense of humor about the Bible to have a good laugh as Jay, Silent Bob, An abortion worker who is a descendent of Jesus and is the last scion, a muse, and the thirteenth apostle have to stop the demon Azrael and his unwitting associates The Angel of Death named Loki and a Grigori Angel by the name of Bartleby. Believe it or not, this movie is the hardest movie of Kevin Smith’s to find. But we’ll get it ready by Ash Wednesday, which just so happens to be on (A Ding is heard as “February 14th” is shown under James, and he looks down, and James mouth’s “Awesome!” Cut to black as it then cuts to Rowdy as he prepares to address the crowd.)
Rowdy:
First off, Happy New Year. I know this is probably what you didn’t expect to start this year, but since August of last year, one of our own has disappeared. And for those wondering, he recorded blocks of work to give himself time to work on the reviews and development. (Cut everyone sitting there bored out of their minds as one of the reviewers is asleep, snoring and keeping a feather in the air.)
Rowdy (Audio only):
His name is James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. He has always had the best intentions when working on anything. It wasn’t until I got out of an event where Jeannie decided to hold a family reunion and I found myself having to flee this place only to find out James disappeared. Also, James’ “Other Half” disappeared the same as well. She goes by “Liquid Verve” on Instagram. (Cut to Rowdy physically)
Rowdy:
You should also know about Hiram Stupidiot. He... (Someone coughs and raises their hand) Yes? (Cut to a barely interested Linkara)
Linkara:
Why are you telling us crap we don’t care about? I mean, I know that this matters to you but... (Cut to Rowdy)
Rowdy:
I’m about to get to it. An AI Doppelganger of James had been made in the absence of the real deal, and since YOU lost your power for a while, Linkara, you should know about the dangers of having a digital double in place of the real thing. (Cut to Marzgurl)
Marzgurl:
Obviously, James didn’t; what if he just decided to call it a career and have the AI Doppelganger do his job. (Cut to Rowdy, who is frustrated)
Rowdy:
That’s not how James is! He is a worker and works hard. (Cut to James Daniel Walsh and Nash Bozard as they sit together)
James Daniel Walsh:
And since both you and him contribute to Manic Expression, we have done well together.
Nash Bozard:
No offense, but who are you, and why should we be listening to him or you?
James Daniel Walsh:
James Daniel Walsh, The Boss of Manic Expression.
Nash Bozard:
Oh crap, it’s an ambush to try and get us to join his site! (Cut to Rowdy, whose face is red with anger)
Rowdy:
IT’S NOT A GOD DAMNED AMBUSH BOZARD! I’VE BEEN TELLING YOU WE HAVE A PROBLEM; WE HAVE TO STOP THIS AI NIGHTMARE, FIND THE REAL JAMES FARACI, THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS, FIND ALEX, GET THINGS BACK TO NORMAL, ACCEPT JAMES FARACI’S SOCIAL SHINDIG AND MAYBE HAVE A GOOD TIME THIS YEAR TOGETHER FOR THE LOVE OF PEAT MOSS! (Cut to Luke from “Rocked”)
Luke:
Why are we listening to you? Why should we even care? (Cut to Phelous and Allison Pregler)
Phelous:
Why should it matter at all?
Allison Pregler:
We shouldn’t even be here. All I know is that you were still trying to be a part of The Site when we were walking out, and you didn’t see the truth, and for the record, I was in the right to block you (Allison Pregler turns to Linkara). And when we heard about what happened at Scarsdale, you should be lucky that you are still welcomed by any of us! (Cut to Linkara)
Linkara:
Will ANYONE give me a break about what happened? And who told you? (Cut to The Blockbuster Buster)
The Blockbuster Buster:
I did, and yes, I am STILL pissed off! I nearly lost my life asshole!
Linkara:
Oh, your life is so much better now; okay, I know, Sore Subject, I’m sorry about losing your other half, but even that other half would eventually want you to pick up the Hammer and get back to busting! (Cut to the audio of everyone arguing as Rowdy stands there with his face showing his ever-growing anger. Cut to the corner behind a desk as we see the Ninja Cats monitoring Rowdy’s anger)
Cecil:
Uh-Oh!
Perkins:
How angry is he getting?
Cecil:
He’s past Chernobyl, hitting Three Mile Island at warp speed; OH CRAP! HE’S PAST THE 2011 WORLD SERIES, AND NOW WE NEED TO READ FROM THE BOOKS OF MATTHEW, MARK, LUKE, AND DUCK! (The Cats Receed as it cuts to Rowdy finally exploding in anger)
Rowdy:
WILL YOU COCKSUCKERS AND GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING SHITHEADS SHUT THE FLYING FUCK UP! (A shocked hush happens as everyone looks at Rowdy, and it cuts to Rowdy) JESUS, MARY, JOSEPH, AND HIS GODDAMNED MOTHER FUCKING PISS AND SHIT-SOAKED TECHNO-FUCKING-COLOR DREAMCOAT! (Cut to everyone in shock as Rowdy sighs, then addresses everyone.)
Rowdy:
Okay, I will fully say the following to everyone from Manic-Expression and the reviewer-verse, you guys are good, but this is directed towards every one of you (Cut to Linkara, E-Rod, MarzGurl, Lovecraft, Suede, Diamanda Hagen, Nella, and Lotus Prince) ASS FUCKING (Cut to Yomarz, Dom Noble, Mike J, Mathew Buck, Shaun Kronenfeld, Chaos D1, Bargain Boy) PISS SUCKING, (Cut to Calluna, Some Jerk With A Camera, Nella, Welshy, Phelous, Allison Pregler, Allen Park, That Sci-Fi Guy, and Todd In The Shadows)SHIT EATING ABORTED ZYGOTES! (Cut to Rowdy) EVERY GOD DAMNED TIME YOU GET TOGETHER AFTER YOU LEFT “THAT SITE,” ALL YOU’VE DONE IS FUCKING HARP. “OH, THE SITE SCREWED ME OVER IN THIS WAY! OR THAT WAY!” AND THE EVER-FAITHFUL STANDBY “I CAN’T GET WORK BECAUSE OF MY ASSOCIATION WITH “THAT SITE” AND “TRUSTING ANYONE WHO DIDN’T SUFFER THE SAME TRAUMA OF BEING ON THE SITE AND SOMEONE WHO OFFERS ME SOMETHING WITHOUT QUESTION AND MIGHT BE A DECENT GUY IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I WILL EVER MAKE!” JESUS CHRIST, BRET HART CRIED ABOUT BEING SCREWED OVER IN MONTREAL AND HIS ENTIRE CAREER LESS THAN YOU FUCKCOCKS! AND YES, JAMES DID HAVE AN IDEA FOR ALL OF US! A GOD DAMN TWO-WEEK FUCKING VACATION! THAT WAS FUCKING IT! NO DRAMA, NO ADVENTURE, NO BIG FUCKING ANYTHING! AND HE WAS BEEN BUSTING HIS ASS BEFORE AND AFTER THE PANDEMIC TO MOVE HEAVEN AND FUCKING EARTH TO MAKE YOU HAVE A FINANCIALLY BURDEN-FREE, FUN-FILLED, TWO-WEEK VACATION JUST FOR US! WITHOUT ANYONE ELSE TO HELP HIM OUT! SO THAT MUST MAKE JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS, THE SAME AS A FUSION OF ADOLF FUCKING HITLER AND DONALD TRUMP! HE’S DONE A LOT, AND YOU DID NOTHING BUT CONTINUE TO IGNORE GUYS LIKE HIM AND ME! (Cut to Linkara as he stammers to say something in defense. Cut to Rowdy as he walks away.)
ROWDY:
AND NOTHING ANY OF YOU CAN SAY TO DEFEND YOURSELVES! GAAAH! YOU KNOW WHAT IF YOU WANT TO STAY AND HELP? FINE! OTHERWISE, I KNOW I AM ON MY OWN ON THIS “ONE WAY THIS BATTLE WILL END” BATTLE! YOU KNOW THE WAY OUT! DON’T LET THE FUCKING FLAP HIT YOU ON YOUR ASSES ON THE WAY OUT! (Cut to everyone as they stand in shock; Rowdy slams a door shut, and everyone jumps in shock.)
Cecil (Audio only):
Well, congratulations, ten years ago, he lost his faith in humanity. Now, his faith in your industry is dead!
Perkins (Audio only):
You should feel so proud of yourselves!
Marzgurl:
Who said that?
Ninja Cats (In unison Audio only):
Over here! (Everyone turns as the camera turns to the Ninja Cats. Cut to the shocked and surprised crowd.)
James Daniel Walsh:
Hey Cecil, hey guys! (Everyone turns to James Daniel Walsh as it Cuts to Black)
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