Thursday, June 30, 2016

The Big 3: Those long and lonely "Suburban Knights"

(Scene fades into James & Eliza in ORAC’s chamber)

Eliza Dushku: Wow, that first review was very informative to your beginning. Swore like a sailor and had a bit of an anger problem, didn’t ya.

TLOTA: You don’t know the half of it, I’d been through a lot during that time. I buried my grandmother, I was heartbroken because this girl I wanted was getting married, hell everyone around me was in a relationship and I was and unfortunately I am still single I was in the mood more to rip something apart. Kickassia was the only thing that was so bad I felt I needed to go at it like a Tiger after an Antelope. Fortunately, between my review of Kickassia and my review Suburban Knights which is next I was more on Facebook than Myspace, befriended Chris Lee Moore “The Rowdy Reviewer” and I mellowed out and things while not exactly as great as it should be it’s getting better.

Eliza Dushku: Okay so that answers some questions, but where did the intro line and exit line come from again?

ORAC: A Wrestling Promoter named Jim Cornette as his shoot editorial promotions he did while employed to what is now called World Wrestling Entertainment became popular on Youtube.

TLOTA: ORAC, she was talking to me. But yeah that’s the long and short of it. Anything else you find interesting?

Eliza Dushku: Yeah, you have a Presidential Academic Achievement Award when you graduated. Awesome. Oh wait it was from George W. Bush.

TLOTA: He wasn’t that bad a President.

ORAC: Alert! The Second Review is about to begin!

Eliza Dushku: We’ll talk later, review first!

TLOTA: Okay ORAC. Play my review of “Suburban Knights”! (The two fade to black as we cut to overhead panning shots of Washington DC as “Drebin Hero!” Plays in the background until it goes to a still of the White House and inside a private office James sits with the President.)

President Obama: So you understand now don’t you? (Cut to James sitting regrettably close to Obama)

TLOTA: Yes Mr. President, you were just trying to force the Nostalgia Critic out of Molossia in order to make him pay for the treason. (Cut to President Obama)

President Obama: Now that has been cleared up… (Audio of “Go Go Power Rangers” is heard as it cuts to James)

TLOTA: One moment Mr. President. My Cell Phone. (James answers his phone) Yes! (Sped up audio is heard) Whoa, ho hey John Slow it down! (Sped Up Audio is heard) The Third Year Anniversary Special from is up? (Sped up Audio is heard.) Okay, I’m on my way! (James walks out of the private office as he changes out of his fancy clothes and into his regular ones as “Mission Impossible” sound-alike plays in the background.) I.G., I.G. this is NY4Life, proceed with Operation “It’s Morphin’ Time”, repeat Operation “It’s Morphin’ Time” is a go!

Irate Gamer (Audio only): Roger that but AW SHEE-IT, how the hell do I operate this thing and which end of the gun… (A Silenced shot is heard then a dull thud)

TLOTA: God Damn it. Rowdy C, Rowdy C commence with Operation “It’s Morphin’ Time”, repeat We are good to go with Operation “It’s Morphin’ Time”

Rowdy (Audio only): Roger that, what happened to the Irate Gamer.

TLOTA: Knowing him, he blew his own brains out.

Rowdy (Audio only): DIDN’T I TELL YOU NOT TO HIRE HIM?!


(Cut to James walking out the front of the White House as he enters his ride and a gunshot is heard as “The Naked Gun Theme” plays in the background and the scene cuts to a rear projected car and James is behind the wheel passing famous moments in driving pop culture even driving in the “Return Of The Jedi” Death Star until James winds up home stepping out of his ride and his cell phone rings.)

TLOTA: Hey, how’s it going? (James nods and goes Mm-Hmm several times) So the President is safe and Insano has been shot through the head. Man I love it when a plan comes together. (James walks out of his ride before cutting to James in his room a half hour later.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well after seeing Kickassia last year, I thought I was right as to how bad it was and after seeing it a few more times, I can honestly say it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. (Cut to clips of “Kickassia” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I mean granted it’s not Shakespeare but it could’ve been worse and trust me for their Dollar Store Budget it was fairly funny and at times more entertaining than it was when I saw it the first time and I decided to put my faith in the people from Channel Awesome and on them doing better next time. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Thank god I did because we got something incredible. A thousand times better than its predecessor called “Suburban Knights”.  (Cut to the title card of Suburban Knights before cutting to clips of the movie while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I guess they decided to put effort into the work and it shows. The story has great twists and turns, the acting is lightyears better than last year’s special. The plot is solid. Basically everything that they did wrong in “Kickassia” they got right here. However unlike last year when I took that apart I did it. I’m going to break this down in the parts it came out in. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: So let’s not waste anytime let’s go through the multiple parts of “Suburban Knights” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So Part one begins down a long and lonesome highway, east of Omaha as Bill & Ted’s Lovechild drives on aimlessly when he meets up with a guy dressed in Black heading on down the Highway. Where is the guy dressed in Black going?

Malachite: Chicago (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: If it’s to kick The Nostalgia Critic’s ass for Kickassia. I’ll direct ya to his house myself. (Cut to Malachite giving his “Anti-techno” speech)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Wow sounds like one of the Baku from “Star Trek Insurrection” at any rate our driver is confused as to how to respond and is killed point blank range and The Anti-Technite walks away when he looks back to see the driver’s car blow up. After our Opening credits which look remarkable we find Angry Joe walking down the sidewalk claiming he’s won a car. I’m just going to let the Admiral say it. (Cut to a clip of Admiral Ackbar from “Return Of The Jedi” shouting “It’s A Trap!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Angry Joe finds out a minute too late and takes it with his usual aplomb! (Angry Joe shouts NO! Multiple times before crying “Let me guess, you guys are promised a free car too! But there is no car is there. It’s the Nostalgia Critic again isn’t it. D’OH!” before James continues with his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Realizing he’s trapped like a rat with a half-starved, crazed cat Angry Joe and the rest of those that were in Kickassia except for two new faces of Obscurus Lupa and Todd In The Shadows and the loss of “Lee” from “Still Gaming” and “LordKat” wait for the Nostalgia Critic’s entrance as it appears he has a videotape and a map. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: For those who happen to be my nieces age a videotape is a rectangular block that held copies of movies or TV Shows that you could watch over & over again. But enough of the history lesson. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As Film Brain picks up from the last movie to be the suck-up lackey of the Nostalgia Critic a new face joins our group Luke Mochrie! Whose dad was on a show about Improv I think. But I digress the whole crew watches a news report on Chuck Jaffers and his obsession with “Dungeons & Dragons” had led him to find an Artifact called “Malachite’s Hand” which was a gauntlet and his eventual disappearance. But the Critic found the clue to find The Gauntlet as get this… A map that doubles as a Role Playing Game. Okay, that sounds kind of cool and could lead to possible funny interpretations of interesting characters. But learning from the mistakes from the past everyone makes like Atoms, Bananas & Celebrity couples and Split! However rather than being fired, they go along against their will to be back at the Critic’s place 8 A.M. tomorrow and in costume. That night, as the Nostalgia Critic prepares for the quest Ma-Ti pops by to see if he can join the group. But The Nostalgia Critic has a silver tongue and sends Ma-Ti on a Bullshit side mission. The next morning The Nostalgia Critic is ready to go as Link from “The Legend Of Zelda”, Angry Joe is Inigo Montoya from “The Princess Bride”, Linkara is King Arthur from the musical “Camelot”, The Nostalgia Chick is Arwen from “The Lord Of The Rings”, Benzaie is Conan The Arnold Schwarzenegger Barbarian, Sage is Aslan from “Narnia”, Phelous is The Rockbiter from “The Neverending Story”, Marzgurl is Princess Mononoke, both Luke & Film Brain dress up as Harry Potter, Cinema Snob is Indiana Jones, Obscurus Lupa is “Snow White”, 8-Bit Mickey is Peter Pan, Paw is Profion as played by Jeremy Irons from the Dungeons & Dragons movie, Todd In The Shadows is The Dread Pirate Roberts from “The Princess Bride” Handsome Tom is…. (Handsome Tom says “I’m Willow” before cutting to James physically saying RIIIIIIIGHT! Before returning to the movie as James continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Anyway where was I? Oh yeah one more uh JewWario I think he’s called yeah he’s here as Jareth The Goblin King from “Labyrinth” as portrayed by David Bowie and yes ladies he’s sporting the package. As part one comes to an end, everyone splits into two groups one led by The Critic and the other led by Spoony and Ma-Ti shows up and everyone finds a way to B.S. him away out of this thing. As we see somewhere in the mix three people in Cloaks start their hunt for something. As Part two begins We see the Critic’s team comes into a Forest Preserve in which they come upon their first challenge keeping Linkara from turning this thing into a musical and coming upon a cat creature that looks like something even d-level Muppets look and laugh at. But the Cat Creature’s operator is so tough it renders Lupa Unconscious, turns everyone except the Nostalgia Chick into Three Stooges victims but the Nostalgia Chick enters the Fray as she… (Cut to The Nostalgia Chick’s Arwen Montage with James’s voice whispering by the end of it “Eau De Awesome” available on the Channel Awesome Store’s website!) Eventually he’s foiled and everyone tries to revive Lupa but she wakes up on her own and breaks character enough to rip The Nostalgia Critic a new one. Well at least The Critic didn’t say “WELL EXCUUSE ME PRINCESS!”

Nostalgia Critic: WELL EXCUUSE ME PRINCESS! (Cut to James as he has his hand on his forehead)

TLOTA: Why do I tempt fucking fate?! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as we catch up with Spoony’s team we notice some tension between Luke & Film Brain as the rest of the team discover the Cloaked figures from the end of the first part of this thing. Spoony tries to use his intelligent magisense to thwart them. (Spoony says his Wizard Speech then tosses a packet of Bird Seed and says “Two Magic” and repeats it before cutting to James physically with his Jaw hitting the ground as the moment repeats and James says “No, No, NO!” in the middle of it before Spoony says “Two Magic” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: No! That doesn’t bear repeating! That was THE SINGLE DUMBEST FUCKING MOVE YOU COULD DO! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I mean MY GOD! There is nothing that can top that level of stupidity, not one Reb Brown movie that could make me or you forget this moment. You did it Spoony! You made the Dumbest move in this movie, nothing will compare! (Cut to Spoony doing the “Two Magic” shtick before cutting to Spoony’s face on a Starchild with the words “You Have Achieved Stupidity!” and James saying in a Slow motion God voice “MY GOD WAS THAT STUPID!” before cutting back to the movie as Spoony tries to explain what he was doing before the sky turns black before cutting to James’ place to see the sky has gone black there.)

TLOTA: Okay according to my watch it is 8:45 in the morning but it looks like 8:45 at night, will you excuse me for one moment. (James walks out of his room and heads towards the window to see the black sky and lightning bolts and thunder striking) OH FUCK! (Cut to the Outside of James’ house as it looks like darkness has enveloped the entire sky and Lightning and Thunder strike)

Gozer (Audio only): SUB CREATURES! GOZER THE GOZERIAN, GOZER THE DESTRUCTOR, VOLGUUS ZILDROHAR THE TRAVELER HAS COME! (Cut to James looking outside before covering up the curtains and walking backwards back into his room.)

TLOTA: Well Spoony, you just unleashed Gozer and The Apocalypse! GREAT JOB ROCKET! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But I think he knows he’s in trouble as he smartly bolts like hell out of there. However, Joe & Paw ready to stand their ground as the Center Cloak readies a Dragon Ball Z Energy Sphere. Of course we all know what happens Joe or Paw hit the sphere like a baseball and incapacitate the Cloaks find the Gauntlet and be on their merry little wa… (The Energy Sphere is unleashed passing Spoony’s team and exploding on impact before cutting to James feeling the explosion.)

TLOTA: WHOA! (Cut to the movie)

Joe & Paw: HOLY SHIT! (Cut to James physically and pointing to Joe and Paw)


Todd: WET YOURSELVES AND RUN! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE! RUN AWAY! (James shouts RUN AWAY multiple times as the camera stays on a cartoonish cutout of James in a wall as sounds of destruction and chaos is heard in the background! Before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So yeah if you haven’t soiled your underwear in total and undeniable fear part two ends with Spoony’s team hotfooting it out of there with the Cloaks in pursuit and our Anti-Technite watching! Part three begins with Nostalgia Critic’s team having traveled a long time and finding a chair in the middle of nowhere and the Critic claiming it and everyone else resting when someone notices something big. Unfortunately, I think in The Critic’s zeal he forgot to put on the Shorts to the costume because everyone can see his tighty whites and his junk! Fortunately, Lupa shows The Critic to tuck it back when bending over. (Cut to James physically looking distraught and shaking in disgust.)

TLOTA: Haven’t seen anything THIS disturbing since… (Cut to a still with a Donkey’s head covering up Tommy Wiseau’s ass & junk in “The Room” as James shouts “YOWZA! SHOW THAT AGAIN AND SOMEONE WILL HAVE A DATE WITH A CHAINSAW!” before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): In the meanwhile, Ma-Ti finds The Critic’s team again and what does The Critic do to Bullshit him out of the way?

Nostalgia Critic: Mickey has Erectile Dysfunction!

8-Bit Mickey: WHAT?! (Cut to James spit take from a bottle of water!)

TLOTA: DUDE! NOT COOL! YOU DON’T EMASCULATE SOMEONE YOU CALL A FRIEND! ISN’T THAT IN LIKE THE BRO CODE OR SOMETHING? I don’t watch “How I Met Your Mother” that often. (Cut to the movie as The Nostalgia Critic as he further humiliates 8-Bit Mickey and saying he’s in pain about it before pausing on a still of 8-Bit Mickey’s face)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Actually by the look in 8-Bit Mickey’s face it’s saying “That’s not cool dude!” (Cut to the moment The Nostalgia Critic further emasculates 8-Bit Mickey by saying Mickey is into Goats before cutting to another moment in which Mickey looks pissed before pausing on a still of 8-Bit Mickey’s face.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Actually by the look in 8-Bit Mickey’s face it’s saying “Sleep well, because next time we meet, your ass is beyond grass, it is nonexistent! You will rest in the most painful & diabolical fucking way I can think of!” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after Mickey has been humiliated like no man SHOULD! We soon discover the anonymous source of the map is behind a Chain letter!

Team “N.C.”: A CHAIN LETTER?!!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Before they can actively kill the Critic, Mickey probably more so than everyone else a voice in the woods scares them before asking three questions and finding out the voice behind it is their resident Bum. Back with Spoony’s team, they’re still on the run until they find the perfect battlefield for a group of man boys and woman girls, A park playground. But to this movie’s credit this fight is well choreographed, musically it could use a hand. (The theme from “History Of The World Part 1” is heard as the two groups fight save for the moments with Indiana Snob’s fighting moments when it is necessary.) but the fight is stopped as a mother wants her daughter to use the playground and as they look for a new playground battlefield Spoony’s team leave the Cloaks in the dust and as Part 3 ends Team Spoony continue on their way and leave the map in the path behind them! Part 4 begins with the Nostalgia Critic’s team coming upon a witch in their path to stop them and they being the Rocket Scientists taunt her which ends up… well… (Cut to the moment the Nostalgia Critic getting his hand grabbed and the witch’s eyes turning red as James does the “ZUUL, MOTHAFUCKA ZUUL!” demonic sound as The Nostalgia Critic screams before she screams and James shouts “ZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUL” until the light fades and The Witch Warrior says “Neat Huh?” before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: Yeah, that was neat how you scared the living fucking daylights out of them and me. So badly I need to go back to diapers! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): When The Critic let slip out the existence of the Chain Letter, the Witch Warrior decides to vaporize them until Tom hits her with mace! As they return to their quest. A woman with a cell phone finds the map and our Anti-Technite… (a bolt of fire lightning strikes the girl with the cell phone down.) reduces her down to a smoldering crater! Meanwhile Spoony discovers that he lost the map but remembers a riddle about picking up a stone and saying give me light. Luke and Film Brain try to find out which way to go when our Anti-Technite who should reduce them down to sub-atomic molecules gives them back to the map. When from out of nowhere, the Cloaks pop up and pull out a gun. Remembering Angry Joe likes to use guns Angry Joe whips his out to wipe the Cloaks off the map. But in the middle of the fracas Film Brain gets left behind in the lurch. As part four ends Film Brain is found by the Cloaks and is hypnotized into being one of them. (Cloak no. 1 says “One of Us” very hypnotically before cutting to a clip from “Clerks: The Animated Series” where Jay, Silent Bob and The Pinheads say “One Of Us! One Of Us! TEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!” Before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Part five starts with the Nostalgia Critic’s team coming into a house which doesn’t belong to any of them which is breaking & entering. When Ma-Ti magically appears and has had nearly enough but the Nostalgia Critic decides to give Ma-Ti something SO Stupid it lets Ma-Ti Down. After another Arwen Enchantment/Perfume Ad the team find a book with spells and enchantments. After reading a passage, they unleash Chuck Jaffers and that sets off Malachite’s Magisense! Yes, finally after all this time we know who the Anti-Technite’s name is and Chuck tells his story in the same voice it would sound like if The squeaky voiced teen from The Simpsons had a love child with Rick Moranis! But thinking that the Nostalgia Critic’s team is up to nothing good, he decides to wipe them off the face of the earth! Meanwhile back with the Cloaks we discover Film Brain fits in with them as much as Mel Gibson fits in with a UNCF function! So rather than killing him they just leave him in the lurch as much as his old team mates do. But Team Spoony do eventually find him and reverse the damage the Cloaks did to Film Brain’s brain. Back at Jaffer’s place Malachite finds the guy who was guarding Jaffer’s stuff and promptly rips the poor dude’s heart out LITERALLY! Back with the Nostalgia Critic he’s fed up and somewhere in his ranting he comes to the realization that Malachite was the one behind the whole was and Spoony and his team are in danger because Malachite is tracking them through the map. The Nostalgia Critic gets everybody moving when one last obstacle stands in their way which is disguised by That Dude In The Suede after tapping his sword Suede joins the Nostalgia Critic’s team, ending part five. Part six picks up with Team Spoony finding a house with a woman in there. Being smart as the exec who greenlit “Cop Rock” She lets them in and they quickly duct tape her to the couch and head to the basement. There they meet up with “That Guy With The Glasses” and he leads them to the voice of the Ancient World played by James Rolfe and we get Malachite’s Backstory and to the movie’s credit it does tell the story behind Malachite rather well. Not being Rock Stupid The voice decides they cannot find the gauntlet and leaves. However, “That Guy With The Glasses” tells the team where the gauntlet is on a note.

Film Brain: OH YOU’VE

Nostalgia Chick: GOT TO BE

Todd In The Shadows: FUCKING!

Nostalgia Critic: KIDDING ME!

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s right, where their journey began is where it will end. And just as the Critic grabs the gauntlet Jaffers arrive to kill them but Phelous makes short work of the dude and they discover the gem had been placed onto a Power Glove. Finally getting Jaffers pissed off he summons his other obstacles leading to the Nostalgia Critic giving his most epic speech ever. (Nostalgia Critic gives his speech then cut to James standing and giving an awesome thunderous applause and intercut with every single epic applause from movies before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And so begins the most awesome battle since the first year brawl! The only thing missing is an epic brawl for something like this. I’ll fill that in. (The long instrumental of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme done by Chuck Lorre and Dennis Brown are placed in where there is no music.) Just when it looks like Jaffers might have the upper hand Spoony and his team comes in for the rescue! While that’s happening, Suede discovers the Gem from the Gauntlet. But the victory is short lived part six ends with Malachite looking at everyone on the field and the look on his face says it all. “You’re the Lambs, I am here for your slaughter!”. Our finale begins with Spoony admitting he kept the map with him. The Critic handles it well. (The Nostalgia Critic chides Spoony and yells “That’s how’s he’s been tracking us!”) An SUV tries to hit him head on and it gets obliterated on impact. After seeing that Phelous handles the fact that everyone there is screwed rather well.

Phelous: Oh This is gonna suck! 

TLOTA (Voiceover): Two of the Cloaks attack head on and are thwarted without even landing a blow. Jaffers comes face to face with Malachite one last time and gets launched into geosynchronistic orbit! The third Cloak is revealed to be The Last Angry Geek and he says “Screw this, I’m out of here!”. The Witch Warrior and The Guy with the Cat Creature are engulfed in an exploding flame without even a chance in hell! And just as you think Malachite won’t get his gauntlet back, by the power of the force he gets it back and then uses the power of it to make the Critic nail himself in the Po-pos, multiple times! Linkara tries to shoot his magic gun and he just absorbs the power of the shots. Joe and Lupa try to fill him with lead but all the shots don’t even touch him! Spoony tries the bird seed trick and well… (Spoony is flicked into orbit before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Well Bye Spoony, see you in St. Louis! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): 8-Bit Mickey, Nostalgia Chick and Bennett try to attack and fail. As does Indiana Snob and the Critic one more time but fail and just when the Critic and everyone else think it’s the end Malachite shows his hypocrisy as he reveals he has an IPhone and a works at a coffee shop! After that Malachite plans on finally killing them all off when Ma-Ti pissed off at everyone, even Malachite and while The Nostalgia Critic can be an asshole, I think even he wouldn’t want to see Ma-Ti be destroyed by Malachite. But Ma-Ti puts his ring on which turns out to be The Ring Of Aeon and the two duke it out with their Powers. (The moment when Ma-Ti shouts “Eat…MY HEART!” and the powers collide to their maximum and the moment at 2:33 mark until the ending of “Under Pressure” by Queen & David Bowie is heard as the scene cuts to a montage of every Internet personality including The Nostalgia Critic doing his intro, The Angry Video Game Nerd drinking a Rolling Rock, Rowdy C reviewing a show and many other personas in the Reviewerverse and Internet on Youtube and other video sharing sites before cutting to a slow motion pic of Malachite and Ma-Ti being blown away by the energy colliding and Malachite’s hat falling to the ground and everyone cheers.) In that moment Ma-Ti defeated Malachite, but at what cost… (The Nostalgia Critic Comforts Ma-Ti in his dying moments.) So…Yeah, Ma-Ti died and is cremated and put in a canister of Oatmeal with Handsome Tom tossing the remains into Outer Space. After that everyone returns to their work as for the Critic, the pain of Ma-Ti’s death lingers in him and Linkara comes by to talk to the Critic and talks about the Necronomicon and well… I’m just gonna let The Brigadier General Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart say what needs to be said. (Cut to a clip of The Third Doctor’s regeneration as Brigadier General Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart says “Well, here we go again!” before cutting back to clips of “Suburban Knights” as James does a voiceover the clips)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So that was Suburban Knights and for what it was worth it was amazing. The story was amazing, the plot moved along at a great pace. The acting is leagues better than Kickassia and the character development was incredible and for all the problems I had with Kickassia, I feel relieved they were able to correct those problems and do justice to themselves and this amazing film. The second it’s available, get it on DVD. It’s worth the money to see what independent film makers can do that’s on the scale of a Hollywood movie. (Cut to James Physically.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & That’s My opinion! (Scene fades to black)

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

The Big 3: "Kick" Nostalgia Critic's "Assia"!

(Scene begins with Eliza Dushku looking in ORAC’s Chamber trying to discover how ORAC works)

Eliza Dushku: What is going on? What are you?

TLOTA (Audio only): ORAC! (Eliza jumps back in fear as the scene cuts to James outside of ORAC’s Chamber)

TLOTA: And this card activates it. (Cut to Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: James, listen I… (Cut to James)

TLOTA: have been trying to wonder if I’m even human. (James pulls out a Manilla file case) This is every ounce of paperwork dating from April 28th 1982 until right now. Read it if you want. It’s everything. Birth Records, Archived news reports all of it except for one thing. Where I got my start in the realm of Internet Reviewing as for the hole between what happened when I was on Myspace and now here well... (Pocket buzzes and James feels vibration and pulls out ORAC’s Activation Remote Card.) We’ll jump off that bridge when we get there and guess what ORAC found. (James places Activation Remote Card in the slot of ORAC) ORAC?

ORAC: The first three posted reviews have been recovered these three were posted slightly after the movies known as “Kickassia”, “Suburban Knights” & “To Boldly Flee” were placed onto the online communities (Cut to Eliza Dushku trips and lands in a chair)

Eliza Dushku: But How? What? James who in the blue blazes of hell are you? (Cut to James walking over to Eliza)

TLOTA: Read up if you want to know more. But in the meantime ORAC, Play the first recovered review as to who I am and in the meanwhile feel free to enjoy my first true movie review “Kickassia”! (The two fade to black as we cut to the deserts outside of the borders of Nevada and Molossia as the song “Beirut Vacation” from The Naked Gun plays in the background before the camera moves to the outside of the Government House before zooming to the door before cutting to the inside of the government house where everyone is talking indistinctly as it cuts to The Nostalgia Critic slamming his mallet and shouting order)

Nostalgia Critic: ORDER! ORDER! WE SHALL HAVE ORDER! (Cut to Benzaie & Marzgurl)

Benzaie: You know Nietzsche said “From Chaos comes Order”

Marzgurl: Blow it out your ass Benzaie! (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: My Fellow Kickassians, I would like to thank you all for your patience as we stabilize our… (Nostalgia Critic continues to pontificate as one figure fully covered walks in the background around the place and answers the door as a man covered in a cloak walks in as Linkara and Cinema Snob look at what’s going on.)

Cinema Snob: Hey Linkara, who’s the guy in the cloak?

Linkara: No clue, who’s the guy without the face.

Cinema Snob: From what I heard he was here when Baugh ran this place. (Cut to The Nostalgia Critic continuing his pontification!)

Nostalgia Critic: And it is with that in mind we take over the United States! (Cut to Paw)

Paw: And their President will just let you that? (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic turning with his back towards the camera and turns to the camera)

Nostalgia Critic: OF COURSE! (Cut to everyone looking)

Nostalgia Critic (Audio only): Who do you think financed this little invasion? Behold the true mastermind! (Cut to the man in the cloak revealing himself to be President Barack Obama)

Barack Obama: My friends, the time has come for my country to fall and you will lead the invasion and you will have backing from some of America’s enemies! (Cut to The Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: And we shall be victorious! TO THE DOWNFALL OF AMERICA! (Cut to Film Brain)

Film Brain: THREE CHEERS TO THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! HIP! HIP! (Everyone else unenthusiastically audibly says “Hurray”. The audio of Film brain enthusiastically saying Hip! Hip! & everyone else unenthusiastically audibly saying “Hurray” is heard as The Nostalgia Critic and President Obama raise their hands united in victory as the fully covered figure pulls out a dagger in the background and walks towards President Obama and The Nostalgia Critic as The audio of Film brain enthusiastically saying Hip! Hip! & Everyone else is in mid unenthusiastic “Hurray” as The fully clothed figure stabs the hands of the united Nostalgia Critic and Barack Obama and as the two scream in blood curdling agony the fully covered figure knocks the two of them out and starts to run to the door as the camera cuts to Everyone else)

Phelous (In his usual sarcastic tone): Go After him? (Everyone runs to the fully cloaked figure as he stops, turns around and disrobes his outer clothing to reveal himself to be James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! As “Drebin Hero!” plays in the background James Kicks Phelous knocking him out smashing the table in the process and then proceeding to punch and kick his way through the Channel Awesome lineup as Angry Joe tries his Martial Arts James grabs him by his po-pos and his jacket and throws him onto JewWario, Handsome Tom & 8-Bit Mickey, Spoony, Cinema Snob and LordKat. Linkara tosses James over to the stove where Linkara has him pinned up against the stove and James’ right hand searches for something.)

Linkara (Audio only): I don’t know who you are but you are a fool for taking me and my friends on. Because I AM… (James grabs a Double Boiler pot and clocks Linkara on the right side then his left side of his face then on the top of his head slamming his hat onto his head to the NBC tone)

Linkara: Unconscious! (Linkara falls like a tree as audio of Film Brain Gibbering like madman as the crack of a piece of wood smacking him and rendering Film Brain unconscious as James sees the unconscious Film Brain and no one else as The Nostalgia Chick dressed as Sarah Palin comes into the fracas)

Nostalgia Chick: Hey there what’s with all the Ra… (Nostalgia Chick screams as James grabs her and slams her head into the oven door repeatedly until the 0:44 mark when The Nostalgia Critic pulls the dagger out of his and Barack Obama’s hand and tries to attack only for James to hit a Stone Cold Stunner on the Nostalgia Critic and a fireman’s carry and toss to Barack Obama as President Baugh of Molossia walks in to see everyone broken and beaten except for James who sees President Baugh of Molossia and in a fit of adrenaline fueled insanity tosses President Baugh into the oven then starts to walk away passing a barely conscious Spoony)

Spoony: Who are you? Are you crazy? (Cut to James at the front door turning towards the Camera.)

TLOTA: I’m not crazy! I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to everyone trying to get up only for Film Brain to take a half step before falling down then cut to James at the front door)

TLOTA: And for all of you from, Quit overstepping your boundaries and losing scope and for everyone else Don’t Let Me Catch You in America! (James takes a half step forward onto a detonator as everyone else has a “Scared so badly they’re going to wet themselves!” look on their face. James jumps for the door as The Government house explodes “The Naked Gun Theme” plays in the background and the scene cuts to a rear projected car and James is behind the wheel passing famous moments in driving pop culture even going side to side with the DeLorean from “Back To The Future” until James winds up home stepping out of his ride and collapsing on the driveway. Scene cuts to an hour later as James is in his room!)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Let’s talk about “Internet Reviewers” (Cut to clips of different internet reviewers as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As I watch them, I realize something. They are FANS! They like the subjects they talk about if it’s good they like them, if not well… we get (Show clip of Nostalgia Critic’s “Batman & Robin” review as he goes insane over the Bat Credit Card then cut to clips of The progression of The Angry Video Game Nerd and Nostalgia Critic and those on “” & the “ First Year Anniversary Brawl” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): My first Internet reviewer I actually became a fan of was James “The Angry Video Game Nerd” Rolfe. He just seemed to know what games were great and which ones were such turds and which ones should Never EVER have should’ve been made. He actually made a video about someone calling himself “The Nostalgia Critic” and he’s reviewed some movies that I’ve liked and disliked. The two feuded for a while culminating in the “ First year anniversary brawl” it was funny and introduced me to several more of the site’s talents including Linkara, Angry Joe, Paw, Marzgurl & So many others. It appeared to have ended the feud between the Nerd & the Critic for the most part. But when I heard they were going to try to top themselves for their second year, well let’s just say my interest was piqued for what they were offering. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: What we got was “Kickassia”! (Cut to the title card of Kickassia then clips of Kickassia as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Oh what the fuck were they thinking? This thing barely qualifies as a real decent movie! It barely can stay focused on what it’s trying to do and when it tries to make something of itself nothing truly happens by the end of it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And believe it or not, I am actually going to review on a movie starring Internet Reviewers. That’s right, you are privy to my first ever ACTUAL review. Brace yourself folks, this is “Kickassia”! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So our movie starts as we’re introduced to Molossia and its president Kevin Baugh. It’s an acre of land in Nevada that through a legal loophole is technically a micro nation!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Hmmm, where have I heard something like that before? (James grabs a remote and turns on the TV)

TV (Only Audio by James Faraci): Next on “Family Guy” Peter Griffin discovers his home and the ground around it is not in American territory the wackiness ensues as Peter declares war on his neighbors. (James shuts off the TV)

TLOTA: Seriously? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We soon meet our illustrious leader as he’s practicing his Tai Chi when guess who comes a knocking on his door.

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I’m The Nostalgia Critic, online personality and all around Spectacular guy.

TLOTA (Voiceover):  That’s right, The Nostalgia Critic has come and told President Baugh he’s come to invade Molossia! But like anyone with more than five functioning brain cells does when a nutjob comes to say he’s coming for them, he closes the door right in front of The Nostalgia Critic’s face. Heading back to his place The Nostalgia Critic calls upon some familiar faces from last year’s brawl like The Nostalgia Chick who reminds me of Ellen Page for some reason & Spoony who looks like Chuck from one of my favorite cooking shows “Good Eats” for some reason, Angry Joe & Linkara along with some new faces like Cinema Snob & Film Brain while The guy who does Epic Fail, Little Miss Gamer & That Chick With The Goggles decide to sit out most of this turkey and opt instead for cameos. Anyway The Nostalgia Critic decides to fly his team to Nevada in a hotel to help invade Molossia. Marzgurl asks the obvious question why and the Critic thinks that this could be an opportunity to become Powerful leaders and eventually be big conquerors but seriously am I the only one who thinks this whole idea is… Well…. Stupid? I mean They review movies, comics, TV, Sports, Music and Pop Culture. Shouldn’t they be coming together to find some common interest and tear that apart instead of trying to I don’t know try to Rule the World? (Cut to the clip about Nazis before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Seriously?! You’re making jokes about Nazis?! I guess it makes sense to make jokes about to them seeing as how interchangeable with Republicans RIGHT?! Because it’s not that hard to confuse the two different groups now isn’t it! (Cut to the movie as James sighs then continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At any rate The Nostalgia Critic and his associates go on the attack when they make a tactical error. That error being, The President is packing and will turn them into compost as they die in misery and agony! (Cut to the clip of The Nostalgia Critic screaming in fear as the audio of King Arthur and his knights shout Run Away from the killer rabbit from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” is dubbed in before cutting to the room in the hotel.)

Phelous: Well THAT didn’t work. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Show of hands who saw that the Critic’s plan wouldn’t work. (Cut to the clip of from “Spaceballs” as the crew of “Spaceball One” all raise their hands and shout “YO!” before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Eventually everyone kinda gains some intelligence and decide that this is kind of stupid but the Nostalgia Critic has a silver tongue and convince everyone to stay and takes Phelous’ idea to have everyone get weapons themselves and in a montage they get themselves ready to try again the next day. That night the Critic and Spoony have themselves a chat. What they talk about is unleashing Dr. Insano. I personally think it’s as smart as giving Shia LaBeouf an acting career but what the hell do I know! So the next day arrives and WAIT A MINUTE! (Cut to James physically as he takes off his glasses, looks at his right hand and counts to five multiple times)

TLOTA: M. BISON?! ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?! Okay, do you know what three things the Nostalgia Critic are most famous for now? First off having a feud with The Angry Video Game Nerd, Second, creating the M. Bison “OF COURSE” meme because of the 1994 Street Fighter movie which was a stinker that had Raul Julia play the character of M. Bison! And finally, The overreaction to the Bat Credit Card from “Batman & Robin”. Guess which one he’s mocking? And if you guessed The Bat Credit Card then do humanity a favor and stop breathing so the smart people can actually live longer! Fucking Cockstains. (Cut to the movie as The Nostalgia Critic gives his “Kickassia” speech then James continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And They May Take our lives but they’ll never take our hammy acting! So they go on the attack as President Baugh uses an App to blow explosives and give hammy lines to good performers (Cut to Linkara crying over Marzgurl and Marzgurl eventually muffled shouting “You’re an idiot!” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: A line most uttered by the cast & crew toward the director while they were working on this waste of time. (Cut to them trying to get over the fence as Angry Joe shouts “IT’S NO USE! THE BULLETS ARE GOING THROUGH THE HOLES!” and then they try a ladder then a footstool before cutting to see JewWario out of his “Battle Armor”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! (Footage stops as a record needle scratches and cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: WHERE IN THE WIDE WORLD OF FUCKING SPORTS DID “JEWWARIO’S” BATTLE ARMOR GO?! WAS THE CLIMB OVER THE FENCE ON THAT FUCKING STUPID FOOTSTOOL SO FUCKING HARD THAT HE HAD TO TAKE IT OFF?! Well, I guess it was a long run from the desert Nevada Border to Molossia, OH WAIT THEY WERE A FEW MINUTES AWAY! God I can’t stand these Assfucking Idiots! (Cut to the President sword whipping some of the people as Phelous hides behind the shed then disappears in the next shot.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE?! (The Footage stops at the moment where The Nostalgia Critic and President Baugh are face to face as a record needle scratches and cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: WHY WAS FUCKING PHELOUS IN ONE SHOT WHERE HIS FRIENDS ARE GETTING SWORD WHIPPED AND IN THE NEXT SHOT HE DISAPPEARED?! One Second. (James grabs his cellphone and dials a number as the voice on the other end of the line says “Hello, this is the Continuity of the movie “Kickassia” I’m not here at all, please leave a message at the sound of the tone.” And a beep is heard.)HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!(Cut to James sighing audibly as the footage cuts to the President coming across Lee from “Still Gaming” and James does a voiceover the movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At any Rate as this shit storm is going on Lee from “Still Gaming” comes across the flash jumping President and the guy who is a moving still frame becomes fully dimensional in the fact he’s not a still frame photo just standing in place and not by any mean of his acting and serves up a heaping helping of Double Knuckle Sandwiches washed down with a case of Whoop-Ass as the President runs to the Government House with everyone else after he had gotten safely back in and costume change he declares them the new rulers of the acre of land and rename it “Kickassia” (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’ve got a bad feeling that this will not fucking end well. (Cut to the movie as James sighs then continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And in a bit that reminded me of Newsreels of yore. (Cut to the “We’re going to need more hemp” moment from “Yor Hunter From The Future” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: NOT THAT YOR! (Cut to The movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA: We discover what everyone has been up to, though all it amounts to is twenty minutes of filler and… (Show clip of The Nostalgia Chick acting like Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: You’re Fucking Shitting me, Right?! (Cut to the clip The Nostalgia Chick’s Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin ending before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: One moment! (James gets up and the camera cuts to James walking to the basement door and the camera stays on the door as the audio of James walking down the stairs is heard before the sound of Crashing and Banging are heard as James shouts out “GOD DAMN YOU!” then more crashing and banging is heard as he yells “ASSHOLES! YOU SON OF BITCHES!” then MORE crashing and banging is heard before James shouts out the loudest “GOD DAMN!” in his life as the crashing and banging stops with the sound of a Hubcap spinning then the sound of James walking up the steps opening the door then walking out before cutting to James sitting back in his room.)

TLOTA: Okay, I get the fact that Sarah Palin is a punchline but guess what she isn’t helping my existence very much. (Cut to images other well-known Republicans and other figures James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For those wondering, YES! I am a Conservative Republican and as of the past few decades we’ve been rather looked upon UNFAIRLY by the mainstream news media as either too stupid, too out of touch with people or people who follow a funny looking X and a guy with a silly moustache who even Conservative Republicans think everything that comes out of his mouth is no different than an anal evacuation or what he wrote is good toilet paper! (Cut to The Movie as James continues his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So yeah, seeing this impression of Sarah Palin gets me so angry I could punch a supporter to anyone who opposes my thoughts, including someone who was in this insult to movies! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But if you really want to go over the top with her, why not add on to her crazy by making her sound like the Love Child of the Ultimate Warrior & Gary Busey! (Cut to the clip of Chris Larios of Transmission Awesome asking the Nostalgia Critic about his goals which eventually leads to the moment in which The Nostalgia Critic eventually replies “Of Course!” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Show of Hands who saw that coming. (Hands raise up around the screen.)

TLOTA (Audio only): Hey you there in Pierre, South Dakota put your fucking hand down, you fucking LIAR! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that pointless bit of filler in this pointless filler we soon discover that the President who is still in disguise slowly but surely gets to everyone and the capper is when Linkara mysteriously discovers a receipt for 20 tons of Dynamite signed by…

Linkara: The Nostalgia Critic! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Well of course the Critic would sign and purchase all that especially for an acre of… DYNAMITE?! (Cut to clips of people and characters shouting “DYNAMITE!” with the denouement being a clip of Robert Wuhl in his “Assume The Position” special shouting “Dynamite!” Rasputin in the Animaniacs episode shouting “DYNAMITE?!”, Bon Scott singing the word “Dynamite!” & Jimmie “J.J.” Walker saying “DY-NO-MIIITE!” before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As everyone else save for the Critic and Nostalgia Chick retreat to the Hotel Room to wonder what to do next. Fortunately, The Cinema Snob decided to use his brain cells and go and confront the Critic with his usual wit, charm & subtlety (Cut to the clip of the Cinema Snob saying “Everybody thinks you’re nuts” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I never said his wit, charm and subtlety was any good especially since he reviews z-grade movies & z-grade pornos! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But eventually he gets to the Dynamite and here is where the vail of the Critic drops! (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic talking about His goals and Nasty Wasties before cutting to James walking away with a scared shitless look on his face before cutting to the kitchen to the main phone line)

TLOTA: Uh yes, my name is James and I need to send a squad to a place called Molossia and I need you to get the strongest tranquilizers and the most impossible to escape padded cell you can make. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Realizing how far around the bend The Nostalgia Critic has gone carrying a few Deca-tons of BAT SHIT CRAZY everyone decides the time has come to act and act fast. (Cut to Bennett The Sage in excited utterance “I Say we castrate him with a fork, tie him to a cactus and play PiƱata with his entrails!” Before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I need to remake a call and see if they can fit Bennett with the Nostalgia Critic. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Eventually Cinema Snob comes up with a plan and loyal lackey to The Nostalgia Critic named Film Brain overhears them and relays what they said to The Nostalgia Critic. The Critic Tasks Film Brain to bring the Cinema Snob for a trial. It’s not so much a trial just The Critic banishing The Cinema Snob however if I were in there I’d be nudging everyone to attack. I mean he’s not holding the detonator, they outnumber him a dozen to one, there’s nothing stopping you! You can overpower him! COMMON FUCKING SENSE PEOPLE! UGH! That night Ma-Ti visits the Critic and tries to force him to listen to reason. But remember this is the Nostalgia Critic, the guy who made the movie “Twister” fun for me to watch but thought making fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger would be a smart move. But elsewhere the rest of our group decide to unleash Dr. Insano, which had been subtly suggested that Spoony should unleash. But again I think this lacks Common sense plus Insano is INSANE! Oh well Insano is set onto the Critic and the two brawl it out and while it is well choreographed to me and a rare comedic highlight in this pile of shit to me it lacks sense, if you wanted to stop the Critic, Why Insano? If they were worried that he would detonate the dynamite bringing in someone like Insano would be a bad idea! He’d probably try to take over after defeating the Critic and Insano would eventually try to rework what they wanted, which comes to fruition but the Critic and Insano use electric science boogaloo in which ends with Dr. Insano losing and having a gun pointed at his forehead. Linkara and Benzaie try to reason with him as Insano calls forth Santa Christ who I hope does something Rational! (The Nostalgia Critic kills Santa Christ before cutting to James looking in shock at what just transpired.)

TLOTA: YOU JUST KILLED SANTA CHRIST! (Cut to the movie as they try to resurrect Santa Christ with the “I believe in Santa Christ” chant from Cameos of lesser known personalities before the Critic says “That did nothing, Toss him!” then cutting to a dumpster being closed! Before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: AND YOU DIDN’T DO A GOD DAMNED FUCKING THING TO DO SOMETHING SMART TO SAVE HIM?! (James smashes his fists onto the table and shouts “FUCK YOU!” demonically as it cuts to stock footage of Nuclear explosions before cutting to James sitting in his chair exhausted before looking out the window then cutting to see the devastation before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Sorry. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after Insano fails as I kind of knew the dumbass would they turn to the only person left to mount an attack, Linkara. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: AGAIN, OPPORTUNITIES TO STOP THE CRITIC WHEN HE DIDN’T HAVE THE DETONATOR AND YOU FUCKING BLEW IT! At this point I hope something a little funny happens. Even if it’s simple as someone tossing a banana peel to the Critic and him falling comically. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And even though there are maps on Molossia, Linkara uses a board from the game “Risk” just to bring in James Rolfe as Board James. Let’s all hope he doesn’t turn out to be a complete Psychopath! But any way I guess killing Santa Christ was all the necessary push for Film Brain to turn on the Critic because now he wants the Critic’s head on his Mantelpiece! But the plan is in place and three days later the team FINALLY ATTACK AND CORNER THE CRITIC! ABOUT GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING TIME! Even the Cinema Snob returns to help drop The Nostalgia Critic like a bad habit!

Cinema Snob: I thought you were Insano?

Spoony: Eh, I got better. (Cut to James physically)


TLOTA (Voiceover): After beating the Critic to a pile of Hamburger, everyone fights over the fucking running the micro nation when THANK GOD Santa Christ tells them to give the land back to Baugh. But the Nostalgia Critic still has the Detonator to the Dynamite but it doesn’t work because the Snob disconnected the trigger and after a second beating The Critic tells Baugh the land is all his again and did anything important happen at all in the hour and half wasted?

Nostalgia Critic: NO!

TLOTA (Voiceover): And just like that everyone walks away disappointed. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Just like people who watched this…this… GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN PIECE OF SHIT SUCKING SCUMCOCK! (Cut to clips of Kickassia as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And what’s worse is that they could do better than this shit! The plot what little of it is a halfcocked bad impersonation of a Family Guy Episode. The Common sense got flushed down a shitter 10 seconds in. Maybe after a few more views I might enjoy this pile of cock cum but for now this special is not worth the fucking dynamite to send it to hell!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And hope for the love of fucking god that next year they do something intelligent. If not, my battle at the beginning will be a fun day at the park. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion! (James walks away frustrated as scene fades to black)

Monday, June 20, 2016

Doctor Who vs The Day After

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. May 29th, my blood brother and best friend reviewed "The Day After" (Cut to the opening credit of "The Day After" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And when I looked as he was talking about how this is gonna happen, I was left with mixed emotions. Leaning more towards sadness and deep thought. But the best deep thought I had was one that stayed with me was the lingering thought wondering if The Day After is Avoidable. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And believe it or not for a long time I truly thought we were all screwed and that yes we were all doomed! That is until I remembered someone who had been in a situation not that different. But not just in a greater scale. (Cut to current Doctor Who opening credits before cutting to clips of the Classic and Current Doctor Who series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Throughout the majority of the Cold War The Doctor throughout his classic regenerations was there to show us not only that lives outside of our own kind mattered but we mattered to the lives outside of our own and when he came back 16 years after the cancellation with Russell T. Davis and Julie Gardner acting as head writers and showrunner until Steven Moffatt took those titles the Doctor became a veteran from something called "The Time War" in which The Daleks and The Gallifreyans and the Time Lords were at war and by the end of the Time War it appeared the only end was to destroy Gallifrey and it appeared The Doctor was the one who pressed the Button that was until it was revealed in The Day Of The Doctor that The Doctor did NOT press the button. Why? Because he realized there was another way! And it was with that in mind that the writers of the most recent season two part episode The Zygon Invasion and The Zygon Inversion decided to go further into what happened afterwards because sometimes the smallest problem can cause the biggest fight in the history of humanity & Zygella played by Jenna Coleman was that small problem that wanted to set it off wipe every human off the face of the map believing after that The Zygons would rule as they were meant to but in order to do that, they had to become the dominant force and to do so they had to wipe the humans off the face of the earth. It wasn't until The Doctor gave this speech that reminded me that you may think you are the big man  because you can pull the trigger. But the better one knows it's best NOT to pull the trigger! (Cut to The 12th Doctor's Anti-War Speech from The Zygon Inversion before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Show the clip again! (Cut to The 12th Doctor's Anti-War Speech from The Zygon Inversion again before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA:  ONE MORE TIME! (Cut to The 12th Doctor's Anti-War Speech from The Zygon Inversion before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: And in that moment I knew what had happened. (Cut to clips from "The Zygon Invasion" & "The Zygon Inversion" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I saw in that moment Peter Capaldi getting what The Doctor was going through and what the Doctor went through and got the character and Peter became The Doctor and lived throughout what The Doctor did and when that happened I understood why the better one knows why it is best NOT to pull the trigger and why in that moment we CAN do better. We CAN work towards peace. (Cut to still images of recent terror attacks, clips of Doctor Who & The Day After as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover): And right now we're in need of peace with all the terrors we need not only a reminder of what could happen if we don't learn from the past and what we might be with The Day After but we also need a reminder that "The Day After" IS avoidable all we need is a Doctor to remind us that we can do better and come to a peace through trust & understanding and not through mutually assured destruction and fear. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And to Whomever is the President come this November, PLEASE I beg of you as you make good on your promises, PLEASE work on bringing us towards peace. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I hope what I say is Everyone's shared opinion! (James sighs and walks away)

Monday, June 13, 2016

The Top Ten Good Things that came from Michael Bay's "Transformers" Movies

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James on the couch in the Lobby)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and it's my third anniversary! (Cut to a firework display as the words "The Last Of The Americans' Third Anniversary" is shown over it and "Ode To Joy" is heard in the background before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: And as you can tell from the end of Last month's review the only person celebrating is... me! Yeah, Kinda sucks! (Eliza coughs off screen before cutting to her in the backroom doorway)

Eliza Dushku: Excuse me but what am I? Fricking Chopped Liver? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: No, but you're working on my last nerve with this whole "Trying to find out the secret behind the legend of James Faraci" when really, there's nothing to me! But you are not as bad as what I have to deal with. (Cut to scenes from the first three Michael Bay "Transformers" movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(Voiceover): When it was announced that "Transformers" was hitting the Big Screen in a live action adaptation in 2006, I thought it would be interesting then came the news that A) Michael Bay was directing and B) Shia LaBeouf would be starring in them and quickly my hope for these movies being good died! Why you ask? Simple because between the time Michael Bay made one of my favorite guilty pleasures "Armageddon" & the time he made the "Transformers" he went straight to FUBAR and didn't come back and of course Shia LaBeouf became the Bane of humanity and the second coming of Pauly Shore yet no one noticed because everyone except the smart people because I've discovered idiots run the world and watch bad movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But having nothing to live off but Liquid I.Q. just to watch all three of Shia LaBeouf's "Transformers" movies, I somehow found ten things that were surprisingly good, not saying I liked or even thought these movies were good, I wish someone else had wrote, directed and casted these movies but for the sake of argument and discussion these are the Top 10 Good things that came from Michael Bay's "Transformers" Heaven help me... (Cut to the version of "The Transformers" performed by Lion as clips from the three Shia LaBeouf "Transformers" movies are shown before cutting to the Michael Bay "Transformers" movies logo and the words "Top 10 good things to come from" is above the logo before cutting to see the logo transform to the number 10 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

10) It honors the origin... for the most part.

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is something that I WILL give Bay credit for. He told how the Autobots and Decepticons got to our planet fairly accurately to the original series and that is something MOST adaptations of materials like Comic Books and Cartoons and TV Shows into movies are not too good at. But for me it shows these two refugee groups finding their way to our primitive backwoods planet. So Congrats Bay you got one thing right mostly. I mean come on Both ships landed on Earth! But that is a minor hiccup in getting the origin 75% right

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 9 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

9) Linkin Park

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me the music is as much a part of the movie as is the editing, the story, the acting, the directing, all of it and while the orchestral and synth stuff is good, for me personally I enjoyed the song "What I've done" by Nu-Metal band "Linkin Park" from the first movie. While they did a song for the sequels it wasn't as good. What I like about the song is that it doesn't fit into the movie and it feels more like a song that would stand out in something schlocky.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 8 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 8

8) The revival of the Generation 1 franchise

TLOTA (Voiceover): Let me clarify. A lot of what people used to like from the movies were from what is known as the "Generation 1" series of episodes. The original series. Optimus Prime, Megatron, The Autobots & Decepticons, all of it! My introduction to the franchise was through the "Beast Wars" franchise. I had no idea Peter Cullen was the voice of Optimus, I was more used to Gary Chalk as Optimus. I mean I saw the 1980's animated movie and that was my introduction to the Generation 1 Franchise and since the live action movie came out the entire Generation 1 Animated series has been released onto DVD, so I guess some good came from this in terms of reviving what was generally considered Old School Nostalgia.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 7 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 7

7) Megan Fox left before the third movie and Shia left after the third one.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Granted Michael Bay shifted away from The Character of Sam & Michaela for the fourth installment and in the next one coming out. But all things considered it worked out well. Megan went on to be in another 1980's franchise revival done by Michael Bay "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and the recent sequel that came out both I will not watch and or review and Shia has since stopped being in movies. Granted the damage to cinema the two did in the first two movies they did is near irreversible, I will give the two of them this, they got the hell out of  Dodge when the timing was good for them and while it'll be a cold day in hell before they win Oscars but eventually Hollywood WILL get them for the travesties they've done, including these movies!

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 6 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 6

6) Leonard Nimoy

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not hearing Leonard Nimoy on screen one more time as a Transformer is interesting. Because during the "Generation 1" Transformers franchise there was a movie made between seasons 2 & 3 that had Leonard Nimoy play the character of Galvatron before season 3 premiered and Frank Welker took over the role. And While yes Frank played the role of Megatron in the Generation 1 Transformers franchise he returned to the role of Galvatron for the fourth Michael Bay movie, hearing Leonard perform as the Autobot who sides with the Decepticons was for me a highlight while yes, it was sad that he passed away not long after he did his cameo for "Star Trek Into Darkness" it was for me one of the few good moments in these movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now if you'll excuse me, I need a break to make sure Eliza Dushku isn't into any shenanigans and I need to clean myself up from all the stupid I've got on me.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to James on the couch)

TLOTA: Sorry about that, It seems I've lost Eliza and now I'm alone. ORAC, is there ANY signal coming from Eliza on ANY level.

ORAC (Audio only): I am trying but I believe she is using her Sonic Screwdriver to mask her frequency.

TLOTA: Well do your best and see if you can find her. Meanwhile, I'll work on the countdown some more.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 5 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 5

5) It kept Summer Blockbusters alive long enough for "Marvel's The Avengers" to revive the Summer Blockbusters

TLOTA (Voiceover): Okay, For most of the late 1990's and early 2000's there were Summer Blockbuster but to me it just felt like it was slowly but surely fading into obscurity and although there were movies that were successful in the Summer they weren't exactly making Summer Blockbuster movie money like the Summer Blockbusters of years before that is until "Transformers" came and gave it a shot in the arm but it nearly killed the Summer Blockbuster by trying to dominate all Summer Blockbusters. That is where "Marvel's The Avengers" picked up the flag "Transformers" placed in it's line in the sand and decided to plant it on the moon where the "Transformers" franchise couldn't touch it (Show the title of the third "Transformers" movie title and James shouting "! I WASN'T BEING LITTERAL!" before cutting back to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At any point the fact is this movie kept Summer Blockbusters from becoming completely extinct and that is worth being something good to come from this franchise full of turkeys for the most part.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 4 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 4

4) Blue Collar Heroes

TLOTA (Voiceover): I guess this is a theme in most of if not a good portion of Michael Bay's repertoire of movies. That the bluer the collar the better a human being they are because as we've seen in these movies the people in the White Collars are probably either idiotic or so egotistically STUPID that they deserve to become the slaves of the decepticons under their stupid belief that the decepticons are the good guys and or none of the Transformers are good at all and the sooner they're all off the planet the better and those are the dumbasses who even when they are saved by not only The Autobots but guys like Epps & Lennox who are as far as military hierarchy are pretty much on the bottom rung next to Privates, Corporals, Sergeants, Lieutenants & Captains and they stand with the Autobots and according to Bay,

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 3 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 3

3) John Turturro

TLOTA (Voiceover):This guy seems to be bulletproof. Not saying he's fully bulletproof trust me there are a few movies of his where he really stinks. But I guess going into "Transformers" he knew it was A Turkey with Ham and Cheese on a Kaiser roll. So he decided to give it the effort the stupidity it deserves and he took the character and what the writers did to him and took it in the stride it deserves. And boy did the stride was so long it'd cross the equator five hundred times. They took a nutjob Government agent and reduced him to a butcher and then turned him into an eccentric writer. I'm willing to believe he had some say in the character he played because otherwise after getting peed on by Bumblebee in the first movie, He wouldn't have signed on for the two sequels with LaBeouf. So thank you John for being able to stick it out that long and being entertaining

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 2 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 2

2) It saved Paramount

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not for a good long time Paramount was on the ropes. Their older franchises were not doing well and their network merged with another failing network around the same time creating the CW or as it's beginning to be known now as The DC Comics network, their newer ideas were flopping. So when Transformers succeeded at the Box Office it was clear that Paramount was on the comeback trail and since then they've had more hits than flops. So in a way The battle between the Autobots & Decepticons saved Paramount and without that we wouldn't have had the Star Trek Reboot or the first two "Iron Man" movies. That's right Marvel produced the Marvel Cinematic Universe but Paramount distributed the movies until the Disney Buyout that occurred and although Paramount has survived and has gotten a footing as one of the best production and distribution companies for what they're worth.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now the Number one thing to come out of Michael Bay "Transformers" Movies and that happens to be... Me. And not just me, The Nostalgia Critic, The Blockbuster Buster, Angry Joe, Spoony, The Nostalgia Kid, Jackula, All of us who do reviews on the Internet! (Cut to clips of other internet reviewers as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For as much as we don't want to admit it. Without the Michael Bay Transformers movie and the response it got polarizing the difference from what fans and critics thought and with YouTube being less draconic in its policies, everyone with a thought, a camera and some personality the Internet Reviewer revolution wouldn't have happened and most likely Myself and so many of us would be lost or not even known. So as much as I don't want to say this, I owe my vocation to this. A lot of us owe Michael Bay our success. Even in the "Transformers Age Of Extinction" crossover between the Nostalgia Critic and the Blockbuster Buster, they admit that without Bay and his Transformers movies we wouldn't be here (Show clip of The Nostalgia Critic and The Blockbuster Buster explain why the Internet Reviewer exists)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right, we exist because we take on the mediocre and praise what we like and demolish that we don't like and let people know we don't think like other critics. We think like the common fanboy & fangirl. We are fans and we know that and we also know what our fandom wants and when something we know is wrong we WILL be there to put you right back in your place at the bottom of the barrel and we WILL be here long after history has shown you to be the trash you are. Even if we are somehow stopped in one form we WILL find a way to thrive and survive and let everyone know that your movies are either garbage or greatness. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion. (Cut to an hour later as James accesses ORAC's Chamber and at a distance Eliza Dushku looks on in secret as James walks in the scene cuts to James inside ORAC's Chamber)

TLOTA: Any luck finding Eliza?

ORAC: Unfortunately all attempts to find Eliza Dushku has proven unsuccessful. However I am close on finding the first three.

TLOTA: How long before then?

ORAC: One hour. Might I suggest that I transfer my consciousness into the activation card so that I can finish up in peace whilst you work on an editorial.

TLOTA: That's not a bad idea ORAC. (James shuts off ORAC and takes the activation card and walks out the door. As James walks down the secondary hallway into the main lobby, Eliza Dushku sneaks around James to the door to ORAC's chamber as she gets her Sonic Screwdriver out and aims it at the lock on the door outside of ORAC's chamber.)