Monday, March 20, 2017

Behind The Scenes: Bad Romance: My Super Ex-Girlfriend/Valentine's Day/Hitch

(Scene begins with James off screen and everyone ready to move forward.)

James Faraci (Off-screen): Everyone ready? (Everyone nods) ready and ACTION! (Everyone walks forward until Nick's bow string snaps and Eric falls down and everyone laughs and James shouts CUT! Scene cuts to James as he drives up to the studio as Combine Harvester plays in the background.)

James Faraci: So we're filming three months of reviews in about two months work of time because by the end of February Eliza and Traci will be leaving and I want to focus all of March and April on the future of 2017.  (Cut to James, Nick, Paulo, Eric, John and Mike taking apart the couch.)

James Faraci: One benefit to having a couch that can easily disassemble is that it will go through the doors easily and be placed on a device I designed. It works on a controlled spring which will go about 57 degrees from the left to the right each way. John, Mike, Eric after I do the test run. (Cut to James strapped down to the couch piece wearing a helmet and readying to go flying across the green screen room.)

James Faraci: So on three, I'm going to get launched. I am doing the testing before I let anyone else do this because it's proof to know that even though they have to go through this, I'm willing to put myself in danger first in order to keep everyone else safe. (Cut to the test footage showing James letting go too early and hurting himself landing in the wall before cutting to James getting up)

James Faraci: Okay if you guys let go too early you will be hitting the wall at about back smacking speed! I hit the wall at like 10 Miles Per Hour and my ass is hurting like a bitch! (Cut to James getting ready to film his brother as he gets ready to toss a Tuna at the same height as Eliza Dushku can toss a fish.)

James Faraci (Off-Screen): Okay Chris my left hand is going to be under the table and when you see the sign, toss the tuna! Never thought I'd ever hear myself say that.

Chris: And the table will collapse on cue?

James Faraci (Off-Screen): I built it myself, of course it'll collapse and for the record there is a cooler lined with plastic for the Tuna to land in there. (Cut to James looking at the camera as the fish lands and the table does NOT collapse and James says "Cut" in frustrated disgust. Scene cuts to James as he holds up the double barreled handgun and it falls apart in James's hands and James goes on a cursing streak before cutting to James working on the gun)

John Santos (Audio only): So what happened?

James Faraci: The first Screen Accurate Prop I made for the Green Hornet review back in 2013 fell apart! Fortunately, I've been able to keep Spare pieces in case of an event like this but I think this is a sign that my past bad luck is either catch up with my ass or something is going to change and I need to break away with something that's been holding me back. (Cut to James framing the scene including an empty bottle of wine.)

James Faraci: So ladies you will be sitting together on the left, guys will be on the right side. The ladies will sit where they can be comfortable and it'll go the following for the guys Paulo, Nick, John, Mike and Eric.

Olivia Horvath (Audio only): So this is real wine?

James Faraci: Only the stuff in the bottle I opened that up about five seconds ago. I mainly use alcohol and wine for cooking purposes. In the glasses just so happen to be Grape juice. Okay Paulo & Nick can you look like your faces have like a dull surprise look on them like this. (James shows the face Paulo & Nick are supposed to have.) Got it?

Nick Yaun (Audio only): Got it (Cut to everyone getting ready on the couch as James preps the cameras.)

James Faraci (Audio only): Okay, I'm going to say my lines about how you guys are handling this movie and if you think of anything funny after I say my lines, just say it and I'll incorporate it into the sketch.

Eliza Dushku: How about we kind of acknowledge that the movie is god awful and the other guys will mumble because they're jacked up on Horse Tranquilizers.

James Faraci (Audio only): Okay, let's try that. (Cut to the multiple attempts to say the lines as James laughs or someone else laughs.) I'll clean that up in post. (Cut to James and the guys as they're dressed as bugs and Olivia films.)

John Santos: Been busting my ass off trying to get into wrestling and the entertainment world and I wind up an insect in front of a green screen.

Paulo Fonseca: I've always known I'm a little buggy in the head! (Cut to James talking to Melissa Benoist and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Olivia films)

Olivia Horvath (Audio only): So today is green screen day, we just filmed all the insect scenes and who's next in the Green Screen?

James Faraci: Well that's what me, Dwayne and Melissa were discussing, I figure ladies first and therefor we're going to film with Melissa and you need to be dressed as Edna Mode from "The Incredibles" Tout suite, Eliza is getting ready to become Wonder Woman and Tracy is getting ready to be Batgirl. (Cut to John filming from far away.)

James Faraci (Audio from far away): So I'll say my lines to you Olivia and Melissa when I point to you, you'll land next to Olivia then I'll point to you Eliza you'll jump in when I point to you and when I raise my hand Tracy, that'll be your cue. So, is everyone ready? (Everyone nods yeah.) Okay, places everyone we'll be filming in 3,2..AND ACTION! (John watches trying not to laugh as filming happens and things move quickly as James says his lines off screen and everyone get the take as James tries to say cut before James yells "CUT" and everything goes silent.)

James Faraci (Audio from far away): Wow, I really sounded angry when I had to shout that and I do apologize but you guys went way too far! (Cut to James converting part of his business office to accommodate the lighting and filming rigs.)

James Faraci: So I wanted to just cut down filming time and now I'm going to film in my business office and I'm converting the my old office into a second filming set and extra prop room and I'm going to retire it by dumping mail and I'll be testing it on me. (Cut to test footage as James has mail dumped on him including packages as James comes up and out of it with a few small cuts.)

James Faraci: So I just had mail dumped on me and I'm a little sore and a little banged up but results will vary when everyone has the pile dumped on them but to save myself some time I made a makeshift pile which has special holes for everyone from the shoulders down to be in the pile and when we introduce Felix Twitch all we have to do is have him kind of pop out of the center as we get thrown in every different direction possible. (Cut to James and everyone getting comfortable inside the pile as everyone says their lines and the pile does not break open and James goes into the pile and cut the duct taped pieces and they try again and it works before cutting to James opening his door as everyone else in Team TLOTA does the Chicken dance in their underwear and James closes the door and everyone laughs and James says cut)

Monday, March 13, 2017

Reality Checkout: "WWE Total Diva" Eva Marie!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James.)

TLOTA: Believe it or not, I was once a wrestling fan but then came bad choices left and right like when WWE bought out WCW, then came the first attempt at the brand split between Raw & Smackdown! The straw that broke my back as a WWE fan was giving John Laurinitis control of both shows and after that came me being a fan of TNA or as they're calling themselves now Impact Wrestling. The less said about that company and Dixie Carter's ability to run the company the better because they forced me into being a retired Pro Wrestling Fan. I'll watch if there's nothing else except for Lucha Underground or WCPW they seem to be giving me effort in their promotions though I will check out the occasional WWE Royal Rumble and or WrestleMania but the only reason I don't watch is for one red headed reason! (Cut to an image of Becky Lynch and James shouts "NO! Rowdy likes her and I'm okay with her!" before cutting to James physically) I'm talking about a red headed headache that (Audio of Eva Marie's intro plays as James rubs his head to try to alleviate his headache.) GOD TAKE ME NOW! (Cut to clips of Eva Marie in the WWE as James Faraci does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I am of course talking about the talentless wonder who never paid her dues in the indie promotions who can't even do a botch right. I am talking about everything all red including WWE seeing as how much money they lost in trying to promote her as a wrestler or Sports Entertainer Eva Marie! Now I'm sure in real life she's a decent person and hard working but HO BOY I dare my friend Chris Lee Moore to poll 10 fans of the Women's division of WWE and if he was to ask them to say who they think is the most talentless and incapable wrestler in either brand and I guarantee that Eva Marie will land in the somewhere in the top ten on those fan's lists. But why is that? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Well we have our old double decker pain in the boob tube for that Reality TV And The E! Network home of the Nemesis to good taste The Kardashians! (Cut to the opening of "Total Divas" before cutting to clips of "Total Divas" featuring Eva Marie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): "Total Divas" is a behind the scenes look of lives of the wrestlers of Women's division of The WWE but to give it a little pop of extra interest they had for the first season two newbies. One was a girl named Jojo, She went nowhere in the WWE and the other who became a breakout star because of this show is Eva Marie! And believe it or not as I did research on her, she had not one hour, not one SECOND of indie league wrestling matches in order to build her credibility, So why did they hire her? Because she looked like she came off the cover of one of those men magazines that you need to wrap in colored plastic that only shows the title of the magazine and nothing else. I wish it was a friggin' joke. This is actually one of her earliest on-air appearances (Show clip in which Eva Marie in 12 Corazones as she basically does a strip tease before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: That's right! Eva Marie was on a Spanish Dating Show in which she did more to make men like her there than in anything she ever did in WWE. Also notice something about her hair color? (Cut to the clip again as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The one who is EVERYTHING ALL RED IS A RAVEN HAIRED WOMAN who even if men in and out of the ring wanted her they can't have her! She has been legally married since 2014!(Cut to clips of other WWE & other female wrestlers fighting as James continues of his voiceover) And for those wondering no, I do not dislike all female wrestlers! One of my favorites shattered the Glass Ceiling last year as Lucha Underground Luchadora Sexy Star WON the Lucha Underground Championship. Trish Stratus remains one of the most beautiful wrestlers I've ever seen and she went from Pin-Up to one of the most decorated WWE Women's Champions of all time. Lita was one of the most insane fighters in the ring but when her personal problems with being in a relationship was more than enough to drive the fans against her and how it led to her having a breakdown and retiring from Wrestling and the WWE, I was amazed she lasted a year as a inactive personality in WWE, then we have A.J. Lee who chose her husband C.M. Punk over her career! That is an amazing female wrestler with conviction to stand for her rights and be with her husband than with the company that fired said husband on their wedding day! THEIR FREAKING WEDDING DAY! But I don't hold the McMahons responsible for that. I do hold Vinnie Mac for hiring Eva Marie. However it seems even the WWE don't know what to do with her. Especially on the series that put her into prominence. While her Suspension eventually ended I think this maybe a case where she realizes she will never be the professional wrestler she thinks she's gonna be. Trust me, if she ever gets in the WWE Hall Of Fame in about 20 years or so, it'll take a miracle because she is no wrestler, she's no Lita, She's no Trish Stratus, HELL Chyna did more in her career in the WWE than Eva Marie would ever do. For all I know, she'll be in a Marriage Counseling reality show just to regain some of glory of WWE Total Divas days! (Cut to James Faraci Physically)

TLOTA: And if this doesn't prove that Eva Marie is only famous because she's on Reality TV then guess what, nothing will. But if she wants to be only known for her reality show success then I suggest you keep doing what you're doing now. If she wants to prove me wrong then I suggest she do something about it like say work on her wrestling moves or work more indie promotions and earn her way back into WWE and their fandom's good graces and do the one other thing in order for her advance as a professional wrestler and Check out of Reality TV! (Cut to Eva Marie's intro with announcement and James adding "Who must check out of Reality TV in order to prove she's really a wrestler and not a flash in the pan" before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Now if you'll excuse me 2017 is going to find me going through a lot, I hope I survive. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Monday, March 6, 2017

Bad Romance: "Hitch"ing my hopes onto the future

(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James moving his table to the backroom & lighting fixtures and Camera elsewhere)

Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): James? (Cut to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Paulo Fonseca: Why are you moving out of your work office? (Cut to James)


(Cut to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Rebecca Yaun: You’re just being silly. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I wish I were, just come to the door to my mail room. (James opens the door before cutting to everyone else as a gigantic shadow engulfs the others as a flood of letters come crashing out of there before cutting to Olivia, Eliza and Traci as packages smack them around, Eric, John & Mike Santos are buried alive in a tsunami of letters, Renee Miller, Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun try to shield one another as an avalanche of mail surround them as 04:12-05:08 of the William Tell Overture plays in the foreground. Before cutting to everyone’s heads popping out of the mound of mail)

Nick & Rebecca Yaun, John and Mike Santos (In unison): Let’s go again! Let’s go again!

Paulo Fonseca: Can I take a guess and say most of these are bills?

Traci Hines: Most of what I’m hearing is ticking! That’s not a good thing, is it?

Eliza Dushku: I’m sitting on something and I heard a click, something tells me that if I get up, we ALL GO BOOM!

Olivia Horvath: Well I’m hearing beeps so stay as far away from me as possible.

Eric Kurtzke: Tweets from Donald Trump saying you're not funny and drop dead, Oh look, Fan mail. “Dear James” Ugh!

TLOTA: Let me guess, A steaming pile of Poop?

Eric Kurtzke: Bingo!

Renee Miller: Third notice on the electric bill! Fifth notice on the heating! Mafioso men who cannot be convicted are coming to kill you if you don’t pay for the water?! James where’s our mail?

TLOTA: Well fortunately I’ve set up another room for your mail. (A burst of air send everyone flying in different directions as Felix Twitch played by Nicholas Markin stands up in the middle of the maelstrom as “Getting Jiggy With It” audio sound-alike is heard before cutting to the others as they get their bearings)


Felix Twitch: I’m here to change your luck when it comes love! All you need to do is trust my proven methods to change your world and I guarantee you will find the Mister or Miss Right in your life. My name is Felix Twitch and I am going to make happy couples for you. (Cut to everyone else as the sound-alike screeches to a halt.)

Paulo Fonseca: Married!

Rebecca & Nick Yaun (In unison): To Each Other!

Renee Miller: I already met my Mr. Right!

Eliza Dushku, Traci Hines, John & Mike Santos and Eric Kurtzke: No Comment!

TLOTA: And I sooner trust Will Smith to help me find me Miss Right!

 (Cut to Opening Credit of “Hitch” as “Yeah” by Usher is heard in the clips from the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While Will Smith is a great actor and a great musician I had little belief that “Hitch” would be good but I was taken aback and discovered something good. Something men can watch and believe could happen. Doesn’t mean in real life it could happen but it could happen for people desperate not to go on a reality dating show but nearly desperate to go on a dating site. (Cut to James in his new work office/personal office where he’s been working out of.)

TLOTA: Let’s end the nightmare of Bad Romance with “Hitch”! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as our movie begins we’re given a look at what Hollywood would consider the losers that should be put out to pasture because they don’t look like the usual disposable Hollywood leading man well except for the one guy who looks like he can get himself anyone he wants to and most likely could and a voice is telling us about the workings of the female mind. This belongs to Alex “Hitch” Hitchens played by Will Smith as he tells people about the basic principles on human psychology and preps our first three guys for their dates as we’re soon introduced to Sara played by Eve Mendes who works as a reporter but enough of that we’ve got backstory about Hitch. (Show backstory of Alex Hitchens before cutting to James physically downing a bottle of Extra Strength Liquid I.Q.)

TLOTA: So, let me get this straight you had ONE bad experience with ONE woman and you just decided, you’d help others to find love even though you decided NEVER to try for yourself again?! I don’t know whether to laugh my ass off at your misery or cry because you just gave up! I mean yeah, my love life is a joke but even the future of it looks better than that god damned backstory! SERIOUSLY, MY LIST OF EX-GIRLFRIENDS COULD DWARF THE FREAKING LIST OF JERICHO! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But enough about that We’ve got an uncomfortably bad sub plot with “The King Of Queens” himself Kevin James wanting to get to an heiress named Allegra as Hitch decides to help first to get Allegra to even acknowledge Kevin’s Character which works by standing up for her and her friend’s business. Meanwhile Hitch meets Sara at a bar as she’s being harassed and quite honestly this conversation is nice but for every good moment there was in this movie there are two moments as bad like when Vance Munson played by Jeffrey Donovan thinks he can get any woman he wants and wants Hitch to help him in his biddings, hitch pretty much gives him a burn notice (Cut to a still image of Vance is humiliated as James does a Minnesotan accent)

Vance (As done by James doing Jeffrey Donovan’s character in “Fargo” TV Series): Okay, I’m gonna get Ma and my family and we’re gonna whack da bastard!

(Cut back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Sara and Hitch decide to get to Ellis Island where we soon discover Sara’s Ancestor was in fact a murderer. PERFECT FARE IN THIS MOVIE ABOUT A GUY WHO’S SUPPOSED TO BE THE ULTIMATE GUIDE IN GETTING PEOPLE TOGETHER WHO CAN’T EVEN HOOK HIMSELF UP WITH HIS OWN MISS RIGHT! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: GOD THIS MOVIE IS WORKING MY LAST NERVE! (Door knocks as James gets up and opens it to see Twitch before cutting to James)

TLOTA: WHAT…. DO…. YOU…. WANT?! (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: Remember I’m here to get you the girl you want to realize you are the man she deserves! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Really? Can I see Mrs. Twitch as your reference and no I’m not talking about your mother or sister in laws they don’t count (Cut to Twitch going “Uh!” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Just as I thought, Get out my sight. (James closes the door before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro as it cuts to John, Mike, Eric, Nick & Paulo sitting on the couch feeling sorry for themselves when Felix Twitch played by Nicholas Markin pops up out of nowhere)

Felix Twitch: ATTENTION ALL YOU SINGLE MEN! (Everyone on the couch screams before cutting back to the well-dressed black person)

Felix Twitch: Are you sick and tired of sitting at home feeling sorry for yourselves? Would you rather be in the company of these lovely ladies?! (The Well Dressed Black Person snaps his fingers and Rebecca Yaun, Eliza Dushku, Brenda Fonseca, Traci Hines and Renee Miller come in before cutting to James and the guys on the couch as they shake their heads and goofily go “Uh-Huh”)

Felix Twitch: Well then, let Felix Twitch fix your life. All you need to do is trust me to change you to get the girl you want. (Cut to Nick dressed in a tee shirt saying “No Lives Matter”, Blue Jeans and disheveled hair)

Felix Twitch (Audio Only): Go from looking butt ugly in Blue Collar (Jump cut to Nick looking as Dapper as he usually looks and Rebecca being all over him) To being as smooth as silk and having Miss Right fawn all over you.  (Cut to Felix Twitch surrounded by several women in the main hallway)

Felix Twitch: Just listen to one of my success stories (Cut to James Faraci as he sits in his office)

James Faraci (Flat, unenthusiastic and looking as he is reading from a script): This was many of my Saturday Nights until… (James shakes his head and waves his hands and shouts “NO!” before grabbing his Morpher, putting in his card, pressing 428 and morphing back into The Last Of The Americans and James going to the main lobby)

TLOTA: I’m killing the sketch and getting back to the review! (Cut to the others groaning and saying “Come On!” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Trust me I don’t like doing it but I feel uncomfortable giving people a false hope even if it’s for comedic purposes! (Cut to everyone else as Felix Twitch steps out front)

Felix Twitch: What do you mean “False Hope”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: YOU! SHUT UP! I’ll tell you what I mean after I’m done! AND NO RETURN FROM COMMERCIAL BREAK MOMENT! WE’RE GETTING BACK TO WORK NOW! (Cut to James back in his office sitting back down in his chair)

TLOTA: Okay, where were we? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as Hitch preps Kevin James’ character for his first date with Allegra we see (Show Kevin James dancing like a white man before cutting to James rubbing his forehead.)


TLOTA (Voiceover): But the date is successful and Kevin’s character surprisingly becomes famous from it. If one date is all that is needed for Kevin’s character to get millimeters to the finish, then what was up with the three dates BS with those three in the beginning of this train wreck! Oh well we’ve got a food rave with Sara’s boss played by Alan Arkin when possibly the comedic highlight of the movie happens as Hitch nearly dies from Allergies caused by seafood causes Hitch to well… (Cut to Hitch overreacting and getting drunk on Benadryl James laughing)

TLOTA It’s funny because he’s having an allergic reaction that could possibly kill him and he’s high off his ass on Benadryl! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, after spending the night at Sara’s and the next morning Sara LITTERALLY EATS THE SCENERY Kevin, I mean Kevin’s Character is where he needs to be for his date with Allegra at a Knicks Game. But Vance returns to torpedo Hitch by giving Sara some less than credible information and… (Bell rings as Sara knees Vance in the nuts and James goes “D’OH! MY BURN NOTICE-STICILES!” with Vance’s head going up a bronze bull’s ass and freezing on it as James does a voiceover as Michael Weston)

TLOTA (Voiceover as Michael Weston): If you find yourself stuck up an animal’s ass there is only two things you can do. You can either panic and die OR you can remain calm, find the nerve that can induce excrement, take a little pain and get out alive. Of course, your head will smell awful for a while but in the end, it will be worth it! (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as Kevin’s character seems to be getting well with Allegra, Hitch and Sara hit a rough patch as UH-OH! Vance’s false info about Hitch hits the newspapers ruins everything Hitch worked for and lands Sara in hot water at a Speed dating event for Sara’s friend leading to…. (Show Hitch blowing up and telling the truth and saying he’s done being the ultimate guide for getting people together before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Damn, even I can relate when something false is said about me and I must get on the attack! (Door knocks and James gets up and camera cuts to Twitch at the door before cutting to James looking to throttle the guy.)

TLOTA: You’ve got two seconds before I do something I WON’T regret! (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: Look there might be some news that might hit the public and infuriate you and judging by your stance right now, this might drive you over the edge. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: SPIT IT OUT! (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch (Super-fast): Someone made a twitter rumor about you and someone named Aiyanna Wade and they think I hooked you two up. (Cut to James taking deep breaths in and out.)

TLOTA: I can deal with this like an adult. I’ll tell the truth and I’ll keep telling the truth until people listen. Thank you now let me finish this review then I’ll deal with it later. (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: Are you sure? Because… (Cut to James and Twitch looking at each other in the doorway)

TLOTA: It’s her name and reputation on the line and mine as well I’ve got to take the necessary steps to fix it and hope IN TIME she and her soon to be husband, whomever he is forgives me.

Twitch: Wow, then you’re one step closer to success!

TLOTA: Okay, now I’m counting to three and if you’re not gone by then YOU WILL NOT BE MISSED! ONE… (Twitch runs away quickly before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): When Kevin’s character asks Hitch to help him get back in Allegra’s good graces initially Kevin’s character balks as he reams out Hitch but Hitch tries to help when (Show Allegra opening to Hitch when Kevin’s character comes in.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Now would be a good time to tell the truth OR get pissed off just for Allegra to help you the two grown men come to their senses and it works as not only does Kevin’s character and Allegra finally getting together but Sara and Hitch reconcile and the movie ends with Kevin’s Character marrying Allegra and everything Hitch said he’s pretty much “FUHGETABOUTIT!” (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So, all the advice, all the knowledge you could still impart on to anyone who needs it and you’re like Don’t need it so DELETE it. Instead of writing it all down and imparting it to generations of people and you’re like I don’t need it and neither does anyone else. UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE FULL OF AIR TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT! (Door knocks again.)


TLOTA: WHAT DO YOU WANT?! (Cut to Twitch shaking in his pants a little.)

Twitch: Just wanted to know if you fixed things. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I’ve had ORAC send mass messages telling people the truth on all social media. (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: So, you’re using the resources around you to help you instead of doing it yourself. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Who said it’s not me? (Cut to Twitch)


TLOTA: I CAN TRUST THEM BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN MY FRIENDS AND KNOW ME BEYOND BEING  JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Cut to Twitch looking confused before cutting back to James) Look, do you think it’s easy for me after all the heartbreak I’ve been through and after all the pain I’ve suffered for me to open up to someone who comes in and is all “I’ve come to take all your pain away and make your life better, no questions asked all you have to trust me without question” THAT SOUNDS LIKE FALSE HOPE AND FALSE HOPE IS NO DIFFERENT THAN BOTH BAD HELP AND NO HELP! Look, my dad imparted this bit of advice onto me when it comes to working with others “Bad Help is worse than no help!” Now I admit that it’s never easy but they know what I need to get this work done quickly and they can get back to what they do best outside of dealing with me! I love the fact they’re willing to give their time they could do ANYTHING else to help this and I know one day they’ll be asking me to help them and you know what I’d do it because they need me to help them the same way I asked them to help. Maybe one day they’ll help me out the way you’re trying to help me out now but until then I’ve got to face my problems with my romantic life on my own! I tried to force people to help me whether they like it or not and I made more enemies than friends and I don’t need enemies I’ve got enough as is. I appreciate you trying to bring couples together and doing a universal good! But sometimes things and forces beyond ANYONE’S control will ruin the best of intentions. It’s easy to bring people together but it’s going take effort for the people to get together. I’m willing to put in the effort the problem I have is the choice in women is so slim who would put the effort in and put up with me and my eccentricities and my family wouldn’t help me unless it was more to their benefit than mine but I enjoy it because it’s the rare times I can get away from them. Do you know what I usually do to get away from them? I come up with the excuse that OH I’ve got a little more to do around the studio to keep it going. And yes, I love my family so much I would drop anything I’m doing for them. But even I need them to kind of put aside a little time for me that could be beneficial to me but I know they have their own lives but maybe they could be a little less selfish with their lives so I could be a little more independent. But I guess that’s asking too much of them, I have to do it on my own because HEAVENS FOREFEND I get the kind of help I need in order to be able have the life I want outside of being an internet reviewer. Not that I don’t like being an Internet reviewer but it gets tedious watching movies both good and bad! I’m failing at the promise I made to myself and I hate that I’m failing. I really deserve a life. (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: The fact you opened to me like that tells me you can do this on your own and you can get it done. Good Luck. (James and Twitch shake hands as the two part on good terms as Twitch walks out the door before James sighs outside of his office door and James walks over to the rest of the team)

TLOTA: Hey guys. (Everyone else says either “Hey James or Hey there”) Did you guys hear me when I had that little soul opening moment with Twitch? (Cut to everyone else)

Paulo Fonseca: Bits and pieces and James you know you don’t owe us anything.

Rebecca Yaun: As far as we’re concerned, this is just a fun little side project for me, Paulo and my husband.

Nick Yaun: And I’ve gotten to meet some new people and be friends with them plus we get to have fun making fun of bad movies and enjoy playing characters from certain movies.

Renee Miller: Plus, I met that Rowdy fella, he’s a great guy.

John Santos: It feels like it’s been forever since we worked together. I missed hanging out with you.

Mike Santos: Same.

Olivia Horvath: I’m glad to help because it allows me to grow with my skills in using Make-Up, Appliances and costumes plus it allows people to see my work.

Eliza Dushku: And let’s face it, you’re giving me a break while people in Hollywood aren’t going to give me a break.

Traci Hines: And you give me more to do while I do my own thing and for that I am grateful. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I’m glad that you feel that way guys, I don’t want you to ever feel as if I’m taking advantage of you. (Cut to the others going “No!” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: I’m glad you feel that way and this how I felt about the movie. (Cut to Clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The flaws are so present I’m surprising myself as to how much I want to like this movie but if this was meant to be a guide for guys to get through all the garbage, it failed. As a romantic comedy, it succeeded in being funny but every now and then. The rest of the time I’m groaning at how awfully bad it can get. Were there times when I could relate to the characters? You bet. Were there moments where I was infuriated, I could count the times I was enjoying it on one hand.  But is it worth at least one watch? Absolutely, especially for Will Smith. The Charm and wit coming out of him is unbelievably entertaining and I find myself getting a few reminders on things. So, all in all a good movie to try. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So, guys, now “Bad Romance” out of the way, let’s make the rest of 2017 one of the best years we’ve had. What do you say?! (Cut to everyone saying “YEAH!” before cutting back to James.)

TLOTA: UH-OH! Guys, I’ve got somethings to take care of. You take it easy. (James runs off before cutting to James running to his office.)

TLOTA: Look, I know the past few months haven’t been a bed of roses for all of us. But we all need a little hope that things will be better than where we have been. Who knows what’ll happen. All I know is that if you stay in it long enough, you’ll find yourself getting where you need to be and where you want to go. Make sure you don’t falter and give up on yourself. (Scene cuts to black then cutting to James in his office working on another review when he notices something in the desk.)

TLOTA: Wonder how long this has been in here. (James walks over to ORAC’s Chamber)

TLOTA: ORAC, how long has this been in my desk?

ORAC: It has been in the desk since May of 2013.

TLOTA: Hmmm, the penmanship looks familiar. (James looks at the back of the envelope and notices the seal on it.) It’s impossible. By all accounts this shouldn’t have existed after everything that’s happened. (James breaks the seal on the envelope and reads it silently before as James is shocked as images of things flash through his head and drops the letter.)

TLOTA: No way… (James picks up the letter and the camera focuses on Emmalina’s Amulet and as James reads the gem in Emmalina’s Amulet changes colors.)

TLOTA (Audio only as he reads aloud): “My dearest James, by the time you read this, my time will have diminished exponentially. But I know as long as you keep me in your thoughts I will always be with you. While I do not know what is in store for me or you, please do not give in to the sadness and the sorrows I see in you in the times when you are alone. I pray you find someone one day who will allow you to be the man I see in you and yet not be afraid to be known as their own self as much as your other half. I know in the depths even though we are parted we are forever bound to each other. My dearest James I love you and nothing not even the end can separate us. Yours Beloved for all time, Emmalina” (A Powerful energy blast engulfs the studio as it cuts to Paulo, Rebecca, Nick, Eric, Olivia, John and Mike standing outside as the blast affects them as well as they are flung back by the energy)

John Santos: The flying hell was that?  (Everyone rushes in wondering what just happened as they see a crack in reality as James’ right hand is on the side of the crack where the studio is and everyone forms a chain as Eric grabs James’ right hand and pulls him out and James is pulled out as the crack closes and everyone is surprised as James wakes up.)

Mike Santos: You okay James?

Eric Kurtzke: It felt like something went off.

Paulo Fonseca: What’s going on?

TLOTA: I know why I went through the nightmare of the past few months. I regained something I thought I lost.

Paulo Fonseca: What did you find your sanity?

John Santos: Your intelligence?

Mike Santos: Your desire to get a real job?

Eric Kurtzke: Your Logic?

Nick Yaun: Reality?

Rebecca Yaun: The feeling of human remorse for putting us in a lot of crazy stuff?

Olivia Horvath: Hope? (Audio of “A Good Man” used in “The Girl Who Died” when The Doctor comes to the revelation of his face.)


Paulo: Okay, if it’s who you think it is, you had reworked the time space continuum so what happened didn’t happen.

TLOTA: But it did except she now lives in someone else and This letter is PROOF! (Cut to James putting the letter in a frame behind him in frame when he films before cutting to everyone else in the door to James’ office)

Olivia Horvath: Okay why are you framing the letter and putting it in where everyone can see it? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: SO SHE CAN SEE IT, THAT I REMEMBER HER AND I CAN BE REMINDED TO HOLD MYSELF TO THE MARK! I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Cut to everyone looking at him as if to say to one another “HO-BOY! He’s gone off the deep end this time”)

TLOTA (Audio only): AND I AM WORTHY!

TLOTA: AND IF ANYONE HAPPENS TO BE LISTENING AND YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF PROBLEM WITH THAT! (Echoing): TO HELL WITH YOU! (James’ echo of “To Hell With You!” is so loud that it cuts to an image from outer space of the earth before cutting to Rowdy as he hears it)

Rowdy: All right everybody, James has officially gotten into his storyline for the year! How many wagers do I hear for it to take to last beyond June or July?

Perkins (Audio only): Why does he keep his storylines so short?

Rowdy: Do I hear someone making a bet or what?