(Guitar music like “American Idiot” plays as James Faraci and Paulo Fonseca on guitars, Andrew Beach on Bass Guitar, and Nick Lopez on the Drums and the set is like the set of “American Idiot” except the colors are Patriotically Red, White, and Blue)
James Faraci (Singing):
All year we’re cheering American Icons! (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) Twelve months of heroes of Cinema! (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) From John Wayne to Rocky Balboa (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) Oh, hell yeah, we’re talking about them all! (The tune continues) [Chorus] Welcome to the two hundred and fiftieth, hoping we’ll see two fifty-one! And we can finally be Okay! Humans dream of a better tomorrow, knowing it won’t be hollow! For me that’s good enough! (Drums play and the music continues.) We’re going to show off the hard work! (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) Even if it makes me look like a real jerk. (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) Now everyone get ready to celebrate with us! (Guitars play the tune for three seconds.) And make sure you have a dose of common sense. (The tune continues) [Chorus] Welcome to the two hundred and fiftieth, hoping we’ll see two fifty-one! And we can finally be Okay! Humans dream of a better tomorrow, knowing it won’t be hollow! For me that’s good enough! (Drums play and the music continues with a guitar solo.) All year we’re cheering American Icons! Twelve months of heroes of Cinema! Information about them will be a lot, you’re going to know whether you like or not [Chorus] Welcome to the two hundred and fiftieth, hoping we’ll see two fifty-one! And we can finally be Okay! Humans dream of a better tomorrow, knowing it won’t be hollow! For me that’s good enough! (Drums play and the music continues and concludes and the words “Americans Icons” are put up in different styles of text. The scene cuts to everyone in a Stagecoach as they look at James wanting to beat the hell out of him.)
TLOTA:
Okay, what did you expect? (Cut to Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl)
Nick Lopez:
Well, I’m glad you had suits that were era accurate and the driver and the one riding shotgun were willing to accommodate us all, I just wish we could have more room for all of us to sit, let alone breathe!
Jessica Lopez-Barkl:
I wish I could reach my liquor supply; I would break a bottle and kill you, James. (Cut to Rebecca and Nick Yaun)
Rebecca Yaun:
Relax, this isn’t the first time; we had to do research on Beethoven, and we saved him from some wholly unbelievable stuff.
Nick Yaun:
And that is scratching the surface. (Cut to Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, and Crosslyn Castillo)
Paulo Fonseca:
Speaking of scratching, these clothes itchy
Brenda Fonseca:
Would you like to wear this corset? It really sucks.
Crosslyn Costillo:
Tell me about it. I’ve been in mermaid tails that have hurt less. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Well now we know what it was like to ride in one of these, the second the ride is over, we’ll head back to the studio and... (Cut to everyone in the studio looking like hell) NEVER SPEAK OF THIS MOMENT AGAIN! (Cut to Doug Yaun standing with a bandage over his butt cheeks)
Doug Yaun:
I never thought I would have been dragged by my ass through a patch of cacti. (Cut to Andrew Beach, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke)
Andrew Beach:
Several of us were hypnotized by an AI and had worked for what felt like an eternity and that more fun than that ride!
Renee Miller:
I appreciated the fact that you were willing to take a lot of heat for some things but the fact that the others had me ride outside of the coach, and I was somewhere between freezing and roasting alive.
Eric Kurtzke:
We were attacked by the first nation people who found us unfriendly. There is a scar over the center of my scalp from an arrow.
Olivia Horvath:
And if it weren’t for the fact that I decided to hold a gun, I would’ve been either shot by the one person who shouldn’t be there or by the unfriendly first nation’s people. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Okay! Okay! Okay! I got it, but now we have the experience and now I can do the review properly! (Cut to everyone else)
Everyone else (In Unison):
What review? (Cut to the screen card of “Stagecoach” then to James having just run into his office.)
TLOTA:
I told them I was doing John Wayne a couple of weeks ago, from now until the end of March! (Cut to clips of “Stagecoach” directed by John Ford as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 1939, Directed by John Ford, and starring the likes of John Carradine, George Bancroft, Claire Trevor and of course The Duke himself John Wayne. “Stagecoach” was the first big success for the Icon, but also the first collaboration between The Duke and John Ford. But after all these years does this movie hold up? (Cut to James physically as everyone else in unison shouts “NO!”)
TLOTA:
Well let me at least try to see if it does! This is “Stagecoach”! (Cut to “Stagecoach” directed by John Ford as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens in June of 1880 in Tonto in the Arizona territory as we go to a Calvary outpost, and we get a warning from a Cheyanne that Geronimo is on the warpath. We then meet Buck, played by Andy Devine as those in his coach including alcoholic doctor Boone, played by Thomas Mitchell, Sam Peacock, a whiskey salesman, played by Donald Meek, Dallas, a retired woman of ill repute, played by Claire Trevor and Lucy Mallory, a calvary officer’s pregnant wife, played by Louise Platt. While at one stop our group is joined Gatewood, a crooked bank owner, played by Berton Churchill and a former confederate army officer turned gambler Hatfield, played by John Carradine on their way to Lordsburg, New Mexico. In the rest, Buck is met by Marshal Curley Wilcox, played by George Bancroft. Curley tells Buck about “The Ringo Kid” having just busted out of jail and is after the men who claimed “The Ringo Kid” murdered their foreman and is out for justice and the leader of the people who put “The Ringo Kid” away Luke Plummer is in Lordsburg doing as he well wanted to, just as Lt. Blanchard, played by Tim Holt tells the Marshall and Buck that Geronimo and the Apache are on the warpath. Blanchard and his troops will provide some protection to a stop on the way to a place on the trail called Dry Fork. Buck tells the passengers that Geronimo and the Apache are out there and there is most likely that not everyone will make it out alive and offers them the opportunity to stick around until it’s safe to ride out but Buck’s coach must hit the trail to stay on schedule. They all decide to join them. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Well, for as much as I like the western genre of cinema, one thing is consistent no matter what it’s like for people, They don’t make the best decisions for their longevity. (Cut to “Stagecoach” directed by John Ford as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As our group makes their way to Lordsburg, our group is joined by The Ringo Kid himself played by The Duke himself, John Wayne. Henry AKA “The Ringo Kid” tells his side of the story between him and the Plummers. While Curley and Ringo are friends, Curley must put “Ringo” under his custody. On a stop called Dry Fork, the new detachment of calvary riders has been reassigned to the Apache Wells station. Their current Calvary garrison exhausted decides to return to Tonto. The others decide to soldier forward. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Okay the line between bravery and stupidity is going from paper thin to half that thickness. I would’ve stayed at Dry Fork until Geronimo was captured or joined the Calvary back to Tonto. But if everyone says we’re moving forward, then I might as well face my end eventually; it must happen just saying. (Cut to “Stagecoach” directed by John Ford as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As their journey continues, with the Calvary now gone the others see that “Ringo” and Dallas are starting to get to bond and become romantic and that Mrs. Mallory’s father and Hatfield were once in the same regiment and Mrs. Mallory’s father is the reason that Hatfield is a gambler. The gang make it to the Apache Wells and it appears that everyone who was there was either killed, taken, or wounded, one of the wounded being Mrs. Mallory’s husband and having been taken to Lordsburg. Fearing the worse, she goes into labor. After forcibly sobering the drunk doctor, the baby is born healthy and with Dallas assisting. Later that night Ringo asks Dallas if she would like join him in a ranch in Mexico. Dallas worried if Ringo discovered her past; he’d leave her in a heartbeat! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And with my dating history, someone who is of ill repute would be the least problematic of issues I’d have. (Cut to “Stagecoach” directed by John Ford as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The next morning after some encouragement by Boone, Dallas and Ringo decide to head to that ranch, when they come to Apache territory and see smoke signals and return to the others to help. Reaching a ferry crossing, everyone is armed; the stagecoach is lashed with logs to float it across the river, and then the Apache begins their attack. Many of the group are wounded and it looks like... WAIT A SECOND!?! (Needle scratches and it cuts to James.)
TLOTA:
HATFIELD?! WHAT THE HELL?!?! YOU TELL MRS. MALLORY THAT YOU AND HER FATHER ARE FRIENDS, AND THAT YOU’D DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT HER A... A... AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO SHOOT HER?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! (Cut to the moment that Hatfield is shot dead. Cut to James.) Well, I guess you gambled poorly and lost Hatfield. (Cut to “Stagecoach” directed by John Ford as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The stagecoach is saved by the 6th Calvary and Hatfield tries to justify what he did with his last breath, makes it to Lordsburg where Gatewood is arrested for absconding his own Bank’s funds. Mrs. Mallory is relieved to know her husband will survive, thanks Dallas for being there and Dallas gifts Mallory with a shawl, Peacock invited Dallas to his home in Kansas City, but Ringo decides to take Dallas to her fellow women of ill repute. Discovering that, Ringo holds onto one thing; he wants to marry Dallas! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Either Ringo doesn’t care about Dallas’ past, or he’s willing to try and do a Pretty Woman a good century before Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. Either way is good for him. (Cut to “Stagecoach” directed by John Ford as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While in Lordsburg, Luke Plummer and his brothers are playing poker when they hear about Ringo being in town. The final showdown goes down as Luke and his brothers meet up with the business end of Ringo’s rifle. Surrenders to Curley and asks Dallas to join him as they ride out of town on the buckboard, Curley and Boone stampede the horses and the movie ends with Ringo and Dallas riding off into the sunset. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
So that was “Stagecoach”, It was great. (Cut to clips of “Stagecoach” directed by John Ford as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I see why the movie is a classic, the writing is awesome, the acting including that of John Wayne is amazing. You can see from the beginning that this has all the makings of career making work for many including that of John Ford and John Wayne. I recommend you check it out to see the rise of John Wayne and as much as I have praised the movie and I do think that it is iconic and amazing, believe it or not this isn’t my favorite iteration of the movie.
(Cut to clips of “Stagecoach” starring Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash and their son John Carter Cash, Waylon Jennings, John Schneider, Tony Franciosa, Anthony Newley, and Mary Crosby, as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I know this sounds crazy but the one that was produced in 1986, directed by Ted Post (who directed “Beneath The Planet Of The Apes”) is my favorite version and I like some of the changes, especially to the fact that Hatfield wasn’t going to kill Mrs. Mallory and that he owed Mrs. Mallory’s father a debt and he planned to do right by protecting Mrs. Mallory and the baby and not killing them, they prove Ringo played by Kris Kristofferson was innocent and while Dallas and Ringo ride off to Mexico like it did in the original and instead of just Ringo taking down the Plummers after making it to Lordsburg, The Marshal, Hatfield and Doc join Ringo in dropping the Plummers like a bad habit. If you can find it, I guarantee you it will be as entertaining and as great as the original. So yeah, the first time that I recommend a remake and its original as great entertainment. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And next time we meet with The Duke, we’re going to see him in his more romantic era, and then we'll see if he can hit the top of the Billboard charts with an Album and then two of his greatest movies to round out our look at John Wayne. But the American Icons will continue for the rest of the year in one way or another. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that’s my opinion. (James walks away and meets the rest of the team.)
TLOTA:
Ow, where did this box come from? “Do Not open until March.” Uh, Guys where did... (Cut to everyone as they laugh hysterically.) What’s so funny? (Cut to Jessica Lopez-Barkl)
Jessica Lopez-Barkl (Talking while laughing):
We monitored your review, An Album by John Wayne?! (Laughing continues as it cuts to Nick Lopez)
Nick Lopez:
I heard some things in the past, but this doesn't just take the cake, it takes it and goes at lightspeed! (Laughing continues as it cuts to James standing with a put-upon look on his face.)
TLOTA:
2026 is going to be one of those years, James. Just get through it.
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