Saturday, October 19, 2013

Are today's horror movies really that scary?

("Alfred Hitchcock Presents" intro music plays as a minimal line silhouette of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans from the side and the words in Army Text "The Last Of The Americans" and the word "Editorial" appear under for two seconds then disappear as James' shadow walks up to the silhouette as the intro ends camera zooms over to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA(Doing an impersonation of Alfred Hitchcock): Good evening, I am James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I am about to express are that from my own opinions and some from your opinions (Snickers and then laughs breaking character)

TLOTA(Normal): Okay, I'm not going to do that for awhile, but you guys know what time it is. (John Carpenter's theme from "Halloween" plays.) It's the time for kids to dress up like their favorite characters and ask their neighbors for candy, it's time for us adults to go dress up a like a little more mature version of the characters with some anatomically correct pieces & some which are bit more politically incorrect than others and also we get our glut of movies that are meant to scare the ever living daylights out of people with monsters, serial killers, the un-dead, aliens and all sort of creatures that make everybody soil their underwear. But with so many terrors in the real world the question that persists in my head "Are today's horror movies really that scary?" We have horror movies that are about gore & violence but for the most part are not really that substantial. We have characters like Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers (Show pic of Mike Myers from SNL dressed as Michael Myers from "Halloween") even I think that was absurd but back to the point I was making was the characters like the ones I mentioned are around to be the ones that are reminiscent of real terrors. Leatherface, Norman Bates and Buffalo Bill from "Silence Of The Lambs" were based on real life murderer Ed Gein and from what I heard Ed Gein was so nuts Gary Busey is freaking sane and competent to be President of the United States in comparison. But what about creatures like Vampires, Werewolves, Frankenstein & his creation, the gill-man, Godzilla and the like. For my tastes I prefer the Bela Lugosi performance of Dracula but doesn't mean that there hasn't been good performers who have tried to fill Drac's cape in fact Christopher Lee's performance in the Hammer "Dracula" films was solid through out and I'm certain Jonathan Rhys Meyers' performance of Dracula in an upcoming series will be an interesting take but there have been other vampires that have been both better and worse than what was perceived in the "Twilight Saga" werewolves on the other hand well there's a reason Lon Chaney Jr. is considered THE Wolf man because of more than just his ability to become a werewolf it's because he can show that there is more than just becoming a human/wolf hybrid or for that matter what are the consequences of  what has happened to you when you become a wolf will you attack everyone you know and care for or will the part of you that is human resist that temptation. But for me there have been two good Frankenstein movies the first one is of course the classic with Boris Karloff and I can't forget "Young Frankenstein" by Mel Brooks because it's so funny and amazing how it handles the source material. But nothing recent really has been as good save for a TNT Original movie that aired in the early 1990's and as the capabilities to make horror movies become easier they've become less about the build up to the fright like the classics and all about getting the quicker scare for the quickest dollar and that's a shame because the more of a mystery as to what can scare you the better the scare is, I think that's why many people consider Alfred Hitchcock a genius in that manner because in movies like Psycho if people were fifteen minutes late, they were not going to see it because it would ruin the experience for all of those who were seated and into the movie. But if it was done today, you could bet there'd be more sites ruining the experience. However the question still is "Are today's horror movies really that scary?" and unfortunately my thought on that is No, not really, because so much is buried in schlock and if you can find a gem in the schlock you're a lot better than me McGee. Because if you really, REALLY want a scare go with a classic, they'll never let you down for a reason.

TLOTA(Doing an impersonation of Alfred Hitchcock): Well, I hope you enjoyed my opinions on the horror movies of the day, now if you'll excuse me (bends over and picks up a double headed axe) I have some movie makers and stars to rectify . I am James Faraci and I am The Last Of The Americans. Good night.

("Alfred Hitchcock Presents" intro music play with a picture of Alfred Hitchcock over it and the words "In Eternal Memoriam to Alfred Hitchcock, A master of all movies")

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Have you ever danced by the Pale "Moonlight" with The Maven Of The Eventide?

(Scene begins with James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans carrying a mug of Warm & Spiced Apple Cider to his room while humming the Super Mario Bros. theme)

TLOTA: Ah, nothing like a Spiced, Warm Apple Cider with as much alcohol as a bottle of water, Morning ORAC.

ORAC: Good Morning James.

TLOTA: So what’s there to report.

ORAC: Everything you asked has been done. I have scheduled the remainder of the Autumn for you exactly and I have located the person of the Youtube account of Asalieri2 and reprogrammed his mobile devices to play the music “I wrote this song” By Patrick Star, “Friday” by Rebecca Black and any song that would annoy the devil himself in addition I programmed his television and any movie player to play “The Room” from Tommy Wiseau and all episodes of Allen Gregory.

TLOTA: Excellent.

ORAC: May I make a personal comment towards you.

TLOTA: I welcome it.

ORAC: Towards your enemies you are vicious.

TLOTA: Well I’m vicious for a reason. You attack my friends or family and you’re asking for trouble & I’m the guy to give you trouble.

ORAC: James, you’ve got a Skype call from Lea.

TLOTA: Sweet, patch it through.  (Video connects to Lea Michele)

Lea Michele: Hi James.

TLOTA: Hey there, how’s the best looking lady on Glee doing?

Lea Michele: I’m doing better every day. Did you catch the tribute episode?

TLOTA: I cried for you and your friends throughout the episode and when Chris narrated about losing his brother I lost it and most importantly I know what he means to you.

Lea Michele: And you have no Idea how I’ve appreciated your patience and respect for me. But on to something positive, the cast and crew is having a Halloween Party around the 31st of October and there’s going to be Karaoke and I can bring two guests and I was wondering if you’d like to come.

TLOTA: Can I bring my friend Chris?

Lea Michele: Who?

TLOTA: The Rowdy Reviewer. (Lea looks at James as if to wonder who he is.) The guy who reviewed the first three seasons of Glee on his review show “TV Trash”

Lea Michele: Oh that guy, I wouldn’t mind him being my other choice. He seems like a nice guy. But…

TLOTA: I’ve already told him to walk on Uber-sensitive egg shells when it comes to Glee and him.  Just save me “The Monster Mash” & save Chris “She blinded me with Science” I’ve got this awesome costume based on a caricature of every mad scientist from all those cheesy SyFy Channel movies. (Jane Lynch opens Lea’s trailer door and says in the Background that she’s needed on set.)

Lea Michele: So I can count on you and your friend to be my two guests for the party?

TLOTA: Oh yeah, catch you then.

Lea Michele: Bye James

TLOTA: Later Lea. (Lea Michele walks off but forgets to shut off her Skype as Jane Lynch looks at James for the first time and James looks around to wonder what she’s looking at)

Jane Lynch: Fair warning: You do anything to cross me or hurt her at all and you’ll regret being born.

TLOTA: I already regret being born, besides I’m being UBER-Respectful to Lea’s wishes and as of this moment we’re friends. No more, no less.

Jane Lynch: Good, keep it that way… (James shuts off Skype)

TLOTA: What is her deal? ORAC ready the Monster Mash while I go “Insano” and as soon as I’m there put the Lyrics on the TV when I get back.

ORAC: I’ve set everything up. (Monster Mash intro plays as James begins to dress up as Dr. Insano and as the Drum beat kicks in James laughs insanely)

TLOTA (Sounding like Dr. Insano): I was working in the lab late one night. When my eyes beheld an eerie sight. For my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my… (TLOTA turns on the TV to see The Maven Of The Eventide)

Maven Of The Eventide: SURPRISE!

TLOTA: DWAH! (Crashing and banging noises for about half a minute that ends with a hubcap going around while Maven Of The Eventide looks)

Maven Of The Eventide: I’m not a doctor, but that HAD to smart!

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

(James emerges from the rubble and gets out of the Dr. Insano costume in the process emerging as The Last Of The Americans)


Maven Of The Eventide: My apologies for coming to you in this way. But I have a friend who has a way back machine.

TLOTA: Good for Mr. Peabody & Sherman!

Maven Of The Eventide: Ha, ha. Funny but he used it to recover your early works and that’s when I discovered four blog reviews about a certain franchise called “The Twilight Saga”.

TLOTA: I’m not going to deny it, yes I did review four out of the five movies from the Twilight Saga and to be honest the entire franchise wasn’t good nor was it so bad that I hope someone finds the Producers of the “Twilight” movie franchise and go all suicide bomber on them. But trust me, why I didn’t do either an out of character review of “Breaking Dawn Part 2” was simply I enjoyed it that is until the ending. That god awful, Hollywood cop-out, bull shit blasting, ass fucking horrendous ending how could they do that, they made the final epic battle that they hyped up in all the advertising for this and it’s a FUCKING VISION FROM ALICE CULLEN OF WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN, IF THERE REALLY WAS A BATTLE?! AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S WORSE IS THAT HAD I GONE TO SEE IT IN THE THEATER I GUARANTEE THERE WOULD’VE BEEN NEWS ABOUT ONE CRAZY NUT JOB WHO THREW EVERYTHING THAT WASN’T BOLTED DOWN AT THE SCREEN BECAUSE THE ENDING WAS SO FUCKING HORRENDOUS IT WOULD’VE TAKEN AN ENITRE ARMY SQUAD TO STOP ME! Okay rant over. Outside of the ending of “Breaking Dawn Part 2” I admit that “The Twilight Saga” actually kick started what I would consider the Silver Age of the Sexy Emo Vampire.

Maven Of The Eventide: Excuse me would you mind rephrasing what you said.

TLOTA: Why? I didn’t say anything wrong.

Maven Of The Eventide: Silver? Vampire?

(James thinks for a half a second)

TLOTA: I think I get what you’re saying but you can call it whatever you want, I’ll stick with “Silver Age of the Sexy Emo Vampire”

Maven Of The Eventide: If that is where you’re going to go with it when did you think the “Golden Age of the Sexy Emo Vampire” ended.

TLOTA: I’d have to say by the fifth and final season of the “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” spinoff “Angel” while there was good dramatic episodes there was a little more of a lean towards the comedic tone with Spike being a large amount of the humor. When the show got cancelled it ended the “Golden Age” but there were shows in between the end of “Angel” and the beginning of the “Silver Age” that tested the Holy water (Maven Of The Eventide looks at him with daggers in her eyes), so to speak & while True Blood got swept into the current that happened after “The Twilight Saga” became a hit some series were left to drift out until the sun fried them like crispy bacon. One of which that I feel my associate The Rowdy Reviewer should’ve put into his list of screwed over shows is “Moonlight” (Moonlight Intro plays)

Maven Of The Eventide: I’m sorry what was the series Moonlight about?

TLOTA: A guy who was turned into a vampire by his wife on their wedding night and now uses his abilities as a Private detective in Los Angeles.

Maven Of The Eventide: That feels like a cheap knock-off of “Angel”.

TLOTA: That might be the case but I think we overlooked something, introducing ourselves.

Maven Of The Eventide: Oh, right where are my manners. (Coughs and gets into introducing herself in her opening sounding like a female Bela Lugosi) Good evening, I am the Maven Of The Eventide and tonight, I am doing a crossover with.. Who are you again?

TLOTA: Me?  I’m James Faraci, The Last of the Americans and the views we’re about to express are that of ours own and some of yours and seeing as how close we are to Halloween….

Maven Of The Eventide: I’m sorry, “The Last Of The Americans”?

TLOTA: Yeah, you’ve got a problem with that?

Maven Of The Eventide: No, it’s just that sounds so freaking goofy (breaks out into uncontrollable laughter)

TLOTA: Okay that’s enough we’ve got a Vampire TV series to get to so let’s dive into the “Moonlight”. So our series begins with our protagonist Mick St. John played by future Hawaii Five-O star Alex O’Loughlin sleeping in a freezer. I am dead serious and he’s dreaming of being able to discuss what it’s like to be a vampire and Maven brace yourself for some of the myths of the Nosferatu you are used to will be blown out of the water.

Interviewer: Do you sleep in a coffin?

Mick: No, that’s an old wives’ tale. I sleep in a freezer & while we’re on the subject Garlic is tasty on Pizza.

Interviewer: Does it repel you?

Mick: It repels my dates sometimes, Toss Holy Water on me I get wet, Crucifixes okay if you like that kind of thing, Oh & I definitely can’t turn into a bat.

Interviewer: What about daylight?

Mick:  Daylight’s not good, (Clicks tongue) Daylight’s definitely not good. The longer I’m in the sun the worse I feel.

Interviewer: But you don’t burst into flames

Mick: Not if I can help it.

Interviewer: How do you kill a vampire? Wooden stake I’m guessing.

Mick: No, A wooden stake won’t kill a vampire. But a flamethrower would kill a vampire or we can lose our head other than that we heal. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide seeing red then James looking in on her)

TLOTA: Maven? You okay?

Maven Of The Eventide: In one brief moment every legend of my beloved Vampire just got a huge turd dropped on it and you expect me to be fine with it?

TLOTA: Hey relax Hollywood has always played footloose & fancy free with Vampire Legends, Mythos & history in fact a wooden stake in this series doesn’t turn vampires into a pile of dust it just incapacitates them.

Maven Of The Eventide: You’re right. Okay Maven just relax, it’s just one strike against it but I’m willing to try to give it a chance and an A for effort and originality. Does the pilot go further into Mick’s history as to he became a vampire?

TLOTA: Well not really, but his origin story is played out throughout the rest of the series. But to keep you from going Bat Shit Crazy I’d be glad to tell you the whole Origin of Mick St. John. Mick St. John was a World War II vet who was working as a musician when he met Coraline played by Shannyn Sossamon.

Maven Of The Eventide: Is she that chick from “A Knight’s Tale”?

TLOTA: Yes and she also named her son “Audio Science” now are you through interrupting me or should I use a stake to either paralyze or turn you to dust so I can get through the rest of this without interruption.

Maven Of The Eventide: I’m sorry, just wanted clarification.

TLOTA: Okay. Now back to Mick’s origin and as I said earlier on their Wedding night Mick got turned into a vampire by Coraline since then he decided to use his abilities to hunt the wicked as a Private Investigator. Now back to the review. As the pilot continues on we meet Beth Turner played by Sophia Myles and yes Maven she was a Vampire in two of the Underworld movies so you can either be pissed that she’s a human in this or you can take it like an adult that she’s playing another character in another Vampire franchise.

Maven Of The Eventide: But it would’ve been awesome to see her as a Vampire. But as the pilot continues we discover Beth has a job as a news reporter on a website.

TLOTA: I would make a TMZ reference but I loathe TMZ! Want to know how much check out my “Son Of The Mask” Review for how much I loathe TMZ. Apparently Mick is getting hot around the fangs for Beth as she looks around she discovers two bite marks on a victims neck which gets her thinking that a Vampire might have done it. But a vampire friend of Mick’s Josef played by Jason Dohring is concerned about exposure. So Mick is tasked to find out who is doing these slayings and quickly before anyone else gets hurt take care of the situation. But by the end of the pilot Beth is undercover as College student attending Vampire theology classes, it’s Los Angeles, they have a College course on everything and a student of the Professor believing him to be a Messiah when it comes to Vampirism is in fact the guy doing the kills which leads to Beth who is barely conscious having a flashback to when she was a little girl and Coraline had kidnapped her and it was up to Mick to save her then.

Maven Of The Eventide: Now things are creepy and squicky.

TLOTA: You want to be Creeped out check out the Pedo-Principal from “Even Stevens”. But even back then Mick had to come in and save her and (Scene plays with the original song in there which is “My Immortal” by Evanescence James quickly wipes his eyes so he doesn’t show he was going to cry) Sorry.

Maven Of The Eventide: The music in that scene made you cry didn’t it

TLOTA: Almost but let’s move on as the series progresses we discover other little things like for example Silver Bullets are Kryptonite to Vampires.

Maven Of The Eventide: Which I do give credit for the people who wrote that doing some research.

TLOTA:  Uh running on confused here.

Maven Of The Eventide: As I stated in my review of “Underworld” In Eastern European legends of yore, Vampires are in fact dead werewolves that rose from the grave.

TLOTA: So Vampires are in fact Zombie Werewolves? WOW! Anyhow it’s also in this same episode that Beth discovers Mick’s secret existence as a Vampire and guess what? That discovery and the fact that Silver is Vampire Kryptonite all in the Second episode

Maven Of The Eventide: Okay, I’m trying not to go ballistic but they’re rushing the pace and it is really trying my patience so I am going to try to ask this calmly (Takes a deep breath in and then out then gets hostile) WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE RUSHED PACE OF THE SHOW?!

TLOTA: Calm down and I’ll tell you or you keep losing your cool and I’m going to douse you with Holy Water. I think partly why they sped the pace of the series so Beth could know Mick was a Vampire and get a lot of story & exposition out of the way was because of the Writer’s Guild Strike that was just around the bend and they needed to get the pilot season episodes out of the way which is thirteen episodes but only got twelve episodes produced before the strike and in those episodes there was an episode in which Vampire’s Blood Plus Silver is marketed as an underground drug that Beth indulges in that makes her feel more like Mick and she wants to be turned into a vampire but due to Mick’s ethics and morality he helps her through the high of what she’s going through to having Beth’s boyfriend and love interest who is a D.A. sacrifice himself.

Maven Of The Eventide: In fact the final episode of the twelve before the Strike ground production to a halt. Coraline who had become human again thanks to a cure she had discovered but due to Beth’s misinterpretation killed and reverted Coraline back to a Vampire and uses the cure she found to turn Mick human again and of course Coraline would not be seen again on the show.

TLOTA: Pay attention there’s a quiz later on.

Maven Of The Eventide: I won’t be there.

TLOTA: Why not?

Maven Of The Eventide: This (Picks up a hand Grenade and pulls the pin)

TLOTA: Okay, the strike caused the production to take a break and the stress of this forced crossover is making you a little crazy so let’s take a break ourselves, you get a pint and I get a meal, savvy?

Maven Of The Eventide: Okay (Tosses Hand Grenade off screen where it cuts to Lindsay who sighs, finds it then tosses it off screen where it cuts to Paw catching it, screaming and then flushing it down the toilet before it goes BOOM!)

(Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)

Maven Of The Eventide: After the Writer’s Guild Strike was settled CBS had several series’ fates hang in limbo including Moonlight and while initially CBS ordered a second season for Moonlight afterwards they reneged on the second season. However there was interest in from other networks especially the CW which would eventually be the network of “The Vampire Diaries” & “Supernatural” would’ve given the CW three series based on the other worldly. However everything fell apart and a handful of episodes were made before Moonlight met its end.

TLOTA: The first of those episodes had Beth’s boss at Buzz Wire be murdered by a vampire and Mick St. John enjoy his humanity but because he couldn’t save Beth from vampires kidnapping Beth. Josef turns Mick back into a vampire, which made him being human totally pointless. In the follow up episode Beth’s new boss wanted more salacious story telling probably a nod made by the producers of this show saying they didn’t like TMZ which is owned by Time Warner & AOL as well as Warner Bros the people who help make this show.

Maven Of The Eventide: Why would they do that?

TLOTA: We’re nearly done figure it out later. Because Beth couldn’t stand that crap as much as anyone else could she decides that her integrity wasn’t worth being in that hellhole and got a new job working with the D.A.’s office as a civilian investigator. The finale had Mick question if being with Beth is worth it but when a Vampire/human couple come to town when the Vampire nearly exposes everyone a council agrees to cook her like Turkey and her human counterpart decides that he’d rather die with the one he loves which inspires Mick to accept Beth and admit he loves her. So what did you think of the series Maven?

Maven Of The Eventide: Well, I wish they had focused more on the lore and mythos on this universe’s Vampires because they seemed like everyone else and outside of just them being thirsty for blood they’re more Amoral, they see little to no reason to exist outside of the fact that they exist. The only one who shows he has a moral core is Mick who won’t attack children or women or the innocent but those who have done wrong are walking Happy Meals with Mick’s name but what about those who got away with the crime? Will he go after those who are found innocent by the law and then commit the same crime again. Yeah but when he axes them does he use his moral core to justify murder? Josef is so paranoid about exposure which makes little to no sense in the grand scheme of things he accepts Beth’s acceptance of Vampires a little too easily what will make him not turn and turn Beth into a Vampire for his own purposes. The morality and everything spiritual seems to be mentioned only once when we see a Vampire Priest! A Vampire Priest?! So many possibilities that could’ve been done with that.  But despite my anger in this review, I actually enjoyed it despite the rushed pace and poor story and as I said earlier it does get good marks in originality, effort and knowing some of the history of the Vampire

TLOTA: I agree and for all intent & purpose everything kind of turned out alright, granted the finale left the door open for fans to do their own what ifs to the characters. Plus as I said earlier Alex O’Loughlin went on to be in Hawaii Five-O as McGarrett which was made popular by Jack Lord in the original series. Now we’re done, Thank you for this crossover and I’ve got to get going on other things so go back to your coffin or freezer or whatever you sleep in.

Maven Of The Eventide: Well now wait a minute this has got me thinking this could be an annual thing.

TLOTA: Come on you interrupt my day and just when I think it’s over you’re coming up with future crossovers for years when I might hang up my spurs for good one day.

ORAC: May I make an observation, just shut off the television.

TLOTA: Oh yeah.

Maven Of The Eventide: Oh Son Of A…(TV Shuts off.)

TLOTA: Thanks ORAC, remind me to send her an apology and Rowdy the invite to join me & Lea at the Glee Halloween Shindig.

ORAC: That has been done already.


ORAC: ALERT! ASALIERI2 is going to review you as retaliation for what you did to him.

TLOTA: Bring it on Asalieri. Next review, next month The Green Hornet! I dare you to sit and check me out!  I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and (Turns around, puts on the Insano glasses and then sounds like Dr. Insano) HAPPY HALLOWEEN AS I TAKE OVER THE WORLD THROUGH THE POWER OF SCIENCE! (Maniacal laughter)

(End credit of the copyright symbol & the words Chez Apocalypse with the year 2013 next to them and under both is Team NChick then Written by Elisa Hanson & James Faraci credit then twitter accounts & are credited. Special Thanks to Paw Dugan, James Faraci, Lindsay Ellis & Chris Lee Moore. Blooper of Elisa looking at the camera with “The Look” and Paw saying “Elisa, my brain is going on me.” and the two of them laugh)