(Scene begins
with James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans carrying a mug of Warm &
Spiced Apple Cider to his room while humming the Super Mario Bros. theme)
TLOTA: Ah,
nothing like a Spiced, Warm Apple Cider with as much alcohol as a bottle of
water, Morning ORAC.
ORAC: Good
Morning James.
TLOTA: So what’s
there to report.
ORAC: Everything
you asked has been done. I have scheduled the remainder of the Autumn for you
exactly and I have located the person of the Youtube account of Asalieri2 and
reprogrammed his mobile devices to play the music “I wrote this song” By
Patrick Star, “Friday” by Rebecca Black and any song that would annoy the devil
himself in addition I programmed his television and any movie player to play
“The Room” from Tommy Wiseau and all episodes of Allen Gregory.
TLOTA: Excellent.
ORAC: May I make
a personal comment towards you.
TLOTA: I welcome
it.
ORAC: Towards
your enemies you are vicious.
TLOTA: Well I’m
vicious for a reason. You attack my friends or family and you’re asking for trouble
& I’m the guy to give you trouble.
ORAC: James,
you’ve got a Skype call from Lea.
TLOTA: Sweet,
patch it through. (Video connects to Lea
Michele)
Lea Michele: Hi
James.
TLOTA: Hey
there, how’s the best looking lady on Glee doing?
Lea Michele: I’m
doing better every day. Did you catch the tribute episode?
TLOTA: I cried
for you and your friends throughout the episode and when Chris narrated about
losing his brother I lost it and most importantly I know what he means to you.
Lea Michele: And
you have no Idea how I’ve appreciated your patience and respect for me. But on
to something positive, the cast and crew is having a Halloween Party around the
31st of October and there’s going to be Karaoke and I can bring two guests and
I was wondering if you’d like to come.
TLOTA: Can I
bring my friend Chris?
Lea Michele:
Who?
TLOTA: The Rowdy
Reviewer. (Lea looks at James as if to wonder who he is.) The guy who reviewed
the first three seasons of Glee on his review show “TV Trash”
Lea Michele: Oh
that guy, I wouldn’t mind him being my other choice. He seems like a nice guy.
But…
TLOTA: I’ve
already told him to walk on Uber-sensitive egg shells when it comes to Glee and
him. Just save me “The Monster Mash”
& save Chris “She blinded me with Science” I’ve got this awesome costume
based on a caricature of every mad scientist from all those cheesy SyFy Channel
movies. (Jane Lynch opens Lea’s trailer door and says in the Background that
she’s needed on set.)
Lea Michele: So
I can count on you and your friend to be my two guests for the party?
TLOTA: Oh yeah,
catch you then.
Lea Michele: Bye
James
TLOTA: Later
Lea. (Lea Michele walks off but forgets to shut off her Skype as Jane Lynch
looks at James for the first time and James looks around to wonder what she’s
looking at)
Jane Lynch: Fair
warning: You do anything to cross me or hurt her at all and you’ll regret being
born.
TLOTA: I already
regret being born, besides I’m being UBER-Respectful to Lea’s wishes and as of
this moment we’re friends. No more, no less.
Jane Lynch: Good,
keep it that way… (James shuts off Skype)
TLOTA: What is
her deal? ORAC ready the Monster Mash while I go “Insano” and as soon as I’m
there put the Lyrics on the TV when I get back.
ORAC: I’ve set
everything up. (Monster Mash intro plays as James begins to dress up as Dr.
Insano and as the Drum beat kicks in James laughs insanely)
TLOTA (Sounding
like Dr. Insano): I was working in the lab late one night. When my eyes beheld
an eerie sight. For my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my…
(TLOTA turns on the TV to see The Maven Of The Eventide)
Maven Of The
Eventide: SURPRISE!
TLOTA: DWAH!
(Crashing and banging noises for about half a minute that ends with a hubcap
going around while Maven Of The Eventide looks)
Maven Of The
Eventide: I’m not a doctor, but that HAD to smart!
(Music from the
last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of
James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad
cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White
House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President
Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone
and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his
side)
(James emerges
from the rubble and gets out of the Dr. Insano costume in the process emerging
as The Last Of The Americans)
TLOTA: GOD DAMN
IT! YOU SCARED THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME MAVEN OF THE EVENTIDE!
Maven Of The
Eventide: My apologies for coming to you in this way. But I have a friend who
has a way back machine.
TLOTA: Good for
Mr. Peabody & Sherman!
Maven Of The
Eventide: Ha, ha. Funny but he used it to recover your early works and that’s
when I discovered four blog reviews about a certain franchise called “The
Twilight Saga”.
TLOTA: I’m not
going to deny it, yes I did review four out of the five movies from the
Twilight Saga and to be honest the entire franchise wasn’t good nor was it so
bad that I hope someone finds the Producers of the “Twilight” movie franchise
and go all suicide bomber on them. But trust me, why I didn’t do either an out
of character review of “Breaking Dawn Part 2” was simply I enjoyed it that is
until the ending. That god awful, Hollywood cop-out, bull shit blasting, ass fucking
horrendous ending how could they do that, they made the final epic battle that
they hyped up in all the advertising for this and it’s a FUCKING VISION FROM
ALICE CULLEN OF WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN, IF THERE REALLY WAS A BATTLE?! AND DO YOU
KNOW WHAT’S WORSE IS THAT HAD I GONE TO SEE IT IN THE THEATER I GUARANTEE THERE
WOULD’VE BEEN NEWS ABOUT ONE CRAZY NUT JOB WHO THREW EVERYTHING THAT WASN’T
BOLTED DOWN AT THE SCREEN BECAUSE THE ENDING WAS SO FUCKING HORRENDOUS IT
WOULD’VE TAKEN AN ENITRE ARMY SQUAD TO STOP ME! Okay rant over. Outside of the
ending of “Breaking Dawn Part 2” I admit that “The Twilight Saga” actually kick
started what I would consider the Silver Age of the Sexy Emo Vampire.
Maven Of The
Eventide: Excuse me would you mind rephrasing what you said.
TLOTA: Why? I
didn’t say anything wrong.
Maven Of The
Eventide: Silver? Vampire?
(James thinks
for a half a second)
TLOTA: I think I
get what you’re saying but you can call it whatever you want, I’ll stick with
“Silver Age of the Sexy Emo Vampire”
Maven Of The
Eventide: If that is where you’re going to go with it when did you think the
“Golden Age of the Sexy Emo Vampire” ended.
TLOTA: I’d have
to say by the fifth and final season of the “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” spinoff
“Angel” while there was good dramatic episodes there was a little more of a
lean towards the comedic tone with Spike being a large amount of the humor.
When the show got cancelled it ended the “Golden Age” but there were shows in
between the end of “Angel” and the beginning of the “Silver Age” that tested
the Holy water (Maven Of The Eventide looks at him with daggers in her eyes),
so to speak & while True Blood got swept into the current that happened
after “The Twilight Saga” became a hit some series were left to drift out until
the sun fried them like crispy bacon. One of which that I feel my associate The
Rowdy Reviewer should’ve put into his list of screwed over shows is “Moonlight”
(Moonlight Intro plays)
Maven Of The
Eventide: I’m sorry what was the series Moonlight about?
TLOTA: A guy who
was turned into a vampire by his wife on their wedding night and now uses his
abilities as a Private detective in Los Angeles.
Maven Of The
Eventide: That feels like a cheap knock-off of “Angel”.
TLOTA: That
might be the case but I think we overlooked something, introducing ourselves.
Maven Of The
Eventide: Oh, right where are my manners. (Coughs and gets into introducing
herself in her opening sounding like a female Bela Lugosi) Good evening, I am
the Maven Of The Eventide and tonight, I am doing a crossover with.. Who are
you again?
TLOTA: Me? I’m James Faraci, The Last of the Americans
and the views we’re about to express are that of ours own and some of yours and
seeing as how close we are to Halloween….
Maven Of The
Eventide: I’m sorry, “The Last Of The Americans”?
TLOTA: Yeah,
you’ve got a problem with that?
Maven Of The
Eventide: No, it’s just that sounds so freaking goofy (breaks out into
uncontrollable laughter)
TLOTA: Okay
that’s enough we’ve got a Vampire TV series to get to so let’s dive into the
“Moonlight”. So our series begins with our protagonist Mick St. John played by
future Hawaii Five-O star Alex O’Loughlin sleeping in a freezer. I am dead
serious and he’s dreaming of being able to discuss what it’s like to be a
vampire and Maven brace yourself for some of the myths of the Nosferatu you are
used to will be blown out of the water.
Interviewer: Do
you sleep in a coffin?
Mick: No, that’s
an old wives’ tale. I sleep in a freezer & while we’re on the subject
Garlic is tasty on Pizza.
Interviewer:
Does it repel you?
Mick: It repels
my dates sometimes, Toss Holy Water on me I get wet, Crucifixes okay if you
like that kind of thing, Oh & I definitely can’t turn into a bat.
Interviewer:
What about daylight?
Mick: Daylight’s not good, (Clicks tongue) Daylight’s
definitely not good. The longer I’m in the sun the worse I feel.
Interviewer: But
you don’t burst into flames
Mick: Not if I
can help it.
Interviewer: How
do you kill a vampire? Wooden stake I’m guessing.
Mick: No, A
wooden stake won’t kill a vampire. But a flamethrower would kill a vampire or
we can lose our head other than that we heal. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide
seeing red then James looking in on her)
TLOTA: Maven?
You okay?
Maven Of The
Eventide: In one brief moment every legend of my beloved Vampire just got a
huge turd dropped on it and you expect me to be fine with it?
TLOTA: Hey relax
Hollywood has always played footloose & fancy free with Vampire Legends,
Mythos & history in fact a wooden stake in this series doesn’t turn
vampires into a pile of dust it just incapacitates them.
Maven Of The
Eventide: You’re right. Okay Maven just relax, it’s just one strike against it
but I’m willing to try to give it a chance and an A for effort and originality.
Does the pilot go further into Mick’s history as to he became a vampire?
TLOTA: Well not
really, but his origin story is played out throughout the rest of the series.
But to keep you from going Bat Shit Crazy I’d be glad to tell you the whole
Origin of Mick St. John. Mick St. John was a World War II vet who was working
as a musician when he met Coraline played by Shannyn Sossamon.
Maven Of The
Eventide: Is she that chick from “A Knight’s Tale”?
TLOTA: Yes and
she also named her son “Audio Science” now are you through interrupting me or should
I use a stake to either paralyze or turn you to dust so I can get through the
rest of this without interruption.
Maven Of The
Eventide: I’m sorry, just wanted clarification.
TLOTA: Okay. Now
back to Mick’s origin and as I said earlier on their Wedding night Mick got
turned into a vampire by Coraline since then he decided to use his abilities to
hunt the wicked as a Private Investigator. Now back to the review. As the pilot
continues on we meet Beth Turner played by Sophia Myles and yes Maven she was a
Vampire in two of the Underworld movies so you can either be pissed that she’s
a human in this or you can take it like an adult that she’s playing another
character in another Vampire franchise.
Maven Of The Eventide:
But it would’ve been awesome to see her as a Vampire. But as the pilot
continues we discover Beth has a job as a news reporter on a website.
TLOTA: I would
make a TMZ reference but I loathe TMZ! Want to know how much check out my “Son
Of The Mask” Review for how much I loathe TMZ. Apparently Mick is getting hot
around the fangs for Beth as she looks around she discovers two bite marks on a
victims neck which gets her thinking that a Vampire might have done it. But a
vampire friend of Mick’s Josef played by Jason Dohring is concerned about
exposure. So Mick is tasked to find out who is doing these slayings and quickly
before anyone else gets hurt take care of the situation. But by the end of the
pilot Beth is undercover as College student attending Vampire theology classes,
it’s Los Angeles, they have a College course on everything and a student of the
Professor believing him to be a Messiah when it comes to Vampirism is in fact
the guy doing the kills which leads to Beth who is barely conscious having a
flashback to when she was a little girl and Coraline had kidnapped her and it
was up to Mick to save her then.
Maven Of The
Eventide: Now things are creepy and squicky.
TLOTA: You want
to be Creeped out check out the Pedo-Principal from “Even Stevens”. But even
back then Mick had to come in and save her and (Scene plays with the original
song in there which is “My Immortal” by Evanescence James quickly wipes his
eyes so he doesn’t show he was going to cry) Sorry.
Maven Of The
Eventide: The music in that scene made you cry didn’t it
TLOTA: Almost
but let’s move on as the series progresses we discover other little things like
for example Silver Bullets are Kryptonite to Vampires.
Maven Of The
Eventide: Which I do give credit for the people who wrote that doing some
research.
TLOTA: Uh running on confused here.
Maven Of The
Eventide: As I stated in my review of “Underworld” In Eastern European legends
of yore, Vampires are in fact dead werewolves that rose from the grave.
TLOTA: So
Vampires are in fact Zombie Werewolves? WOW! Anyhow it’s also in this same
episode that Beth discovers Mick’s secret existence as a Vampire and guess
what? That discovery and the fact that Silver is Vampire Kryptonite all in the
Second episode
Maven Of The
Eventide: Okay, I’m trying not to go ballistic but they’re rushing the pace and
it is really trying my patience so I am going to try to ask this calmly (Takes
a deep breath in and then out then gets hostile) WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE
RUSHED PACE OF THE SHOW?!
TLOTA: Calm down
and I’ll tell you or you keep losing your cool and I’m going to douse you with
Holy Water. I think partly why they sped the pace of the series so Beth could
know Mick was a Vampire and get a lot of story & exposition out of the way
was because of the Writer’s Guild Strike that was just around the bend and they
needed to get the pilot season episodes out of the way which is thirteen
episodes but only got twelve episodes produced before the strike and in those
episodes there was an episode in which Vampire’s Blood Plus Silver is marketed
as an underground drug that Beth indulges in that makes her feel more like Mick
and she wants to be turned into a vampire but due to Mick’s ethics and morality
he helps her through the high of what she’s going through to having Beth’s
boyfriend and love interest who is a D.A. sacrifice himself.
Maven Of The
Eventide: In fact the final episode of the twelve before the Strike ground
production to a halt. Coraline who had become human again thanks to a cure she
had discovered but due to Beth’s misinterpretation killed and reverted Coraline
back to a Vampire and uses the cure she found to turn Mick human again and of
course Coraline would not be seen again on the show.
TLOTA: Pay
attention there’s a quiz later on.
Maven Of The Eventide:
I won’t be there.
TLOTA: Why not?
Maven Of The
Eventide: This (Picks up a hand Grenade and pulls the pin)
TLOTA: Okay, the
strike caused the production to take a break and the stress of this forced
crossover is making you a little crazy so let’s take a break ourselves, you get
a pint and I get a meal, savvy?
Maven Of The
Eventide: Okay (Tosses Hand Grenade off screen where it cuts to Lindsay who
sighs, finds it then tosses it off screen where it cuts to Paw catching it, screaming
and then flushing it down the toilet before it goes BOOM!)
(Commercial
Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final
season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The
Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the
review.)
Maven Of The
Eventide: After the Writer’s Guild Strike was settled CBS had several series’
fates hang in limbo including Moonlight and while initially CBS ordered a
second season for Moonlight afterwards they reneged on the second season.
However there was interest in from other networks especially the CW which would
eventually be the network of “The Vampire Diaries” & “Supernatural”
would’ve given the CW three series based on the other worldly. However
everything fell apart and a handful of episodes were made before Moonlight met its
end.
TLOTA: The first
of those episodes had Beth’s boss at Buzz Wire be murdered by a vampire and
Mick St. John enjoy his humanity but because he couldn’t save Beth from vampires
kidnapping Beth. Josef turns Mick back into a vampire, which made him being
human totally pointless. In the follow up episode Beth’s new boss wanted more
salacious story telling probably a nod made by the producers of this show
saying they didn’t like TMZ which is owned by Time Warner & AOL as well as
Warner Bros the people who help make this show.
Maven Of The
Eventide: Why would they do that?
TLOTA: We’re
nearly done figure it out later. Because Beth couldn’t stand that crap as much
as anyone else could she decides that her integrity wasn’t worth being in that
hellhole and got a new job working with the D.A.’s office as a civilian
investigator. The finale had Mick question if being with Beth is worth it but
when a Vampire/human couple come to town when the Vampire nearly exposes everyone
a council agrees to cook her like Turkey and her human counterpart decides that
he’d rather die with the one he loves which inspires Mick to accept Beth and
admit he loves her. So what did you think of the series Maven?
Maven Of The
Eventide: Well, I wish they had focused more on the lore and mythos on this
universe’s Vampires because they seemed like everyone else and outside of just
them being thirsty for blood they’re more Amoral, they see little to no reason
to exist outside of the fact that they exist. The only one who shows he has a
moral core is Mick who won’t attack children or women or the innocent but those
who have done wrong are walking Happy Meals with Mick’s name but what about
those who got away with the crime? Will he go after those who are found
innocent by the law and then commit the same crime again. Yeah but when he axes
them does he use his moral core to justify murder? Josef is so paranoid about
exposure which makes little to no sense in the grand scheme of things he
accepts Beth’s acceptance of Vampires a little too easily what will make him
not turn and turn Beth into a Vampire for his own purposes. The morality and
everything spiritual seems to be mentioned only once when we see a Vampire
Priest! A Vampire Priest?! So many possibilities that could’ve been done with
that. But despite my anger in this
review, I actually enjoyed it despite the rushed pace and poor story and as I
said earlier it does get good marks in originality, effort and knowing some of
the history of the Vampire
TLOTA: I agree
and for all intent & purpose everything kind of turned out alright, granted
the finale left the door open for fans to do their own what ifs to the
characters. Plus as I said earlier Alex O’Loughlin went on to be in Hawaii
Five-O as McGarrett which was made popular by Jack Lord in the original series.
Now we’re done, Thank you for this crossover and I’ve got to get going on other
things so go back to your coffin or freezer or whatever you sleep in.
Maven Of The
Eventide: Well now wait a minute this has got me thinking this could be an
annual thing.
TLOTA: Come on
you interrupt my day and just when I think it’s over you’re coming up with
future crossovers for years when I might hang up my spurs for good one day.
ORAC: May I make
an observation, just shut off the television.
TLOTA: Oh yeah.
Maven Of The
Eventide: Oh Son Of A…(TV Shuts off.)
TLOTA: Thanks
ORAC, remind me to send her an apology and Rowdy the invite to join me &
Lea at the Glee Halloween Shindig.
ORAC: That has
been done already.
TLOTA: Thanks
ORAC.
ORAC: ALERT!
ASALIERI2 is going to review you as retaliation for what you did to him.
TLOTA: Bring it
on Asalieri. Next review, next month The Green Hornet! I dare you to sit and
check me out! I’m James Faraci The Last
Of The Americans and (Turns around, puts on the Insano glasses and then sounds
like Dr. Insano) HAPPY HALLOWEEN AS I TAKE OVER THE WORLD THROUGH THE POWER OF
SCIENCE! (Maniacal laughter)
(End credit of
the copyright symbol & the words Chez Apocalypse with the year 2013 next to
them and under both is Team NChick then Written by Elisa Hanson & James
Faraci credit then twitter accounts Twitter.com/ElisaInTime &
Twitter.com/TLOTA are credited. Special Thanks to Paw Dugan, James Faraci, Lindsay
Ellis & Chris Lee Moore. Blooper of Elisa looking at the camera with “The
Look” and Paw saying “Elisa, my brain is going on me.” and the
two of them laugh)
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