The "Penn & Teller" is mightier than the sword

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators' original run play. The camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. I know I have talked about magicians in the past, but there's a duo who uses magic to expose the BS in our lives, and that duo is known as Penn Jillette and his often silent partner, Teller! (Cut to clips of the duo in various shows, including their own.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And to be honest, these two have had quite a career as a duo. Starting in 1975, these two mix magic, logic, comedy, and fantasy violence in a uniquely entertaining brew. While their relationship on stage may look like Penn is always out to have one trick go south to see Teller buy the farm. The two have mutual respect for each other professionally, and while having a few interests outside of magic, they're good enough friends to have Teller considered a part of Penn's Family. While they sometimes disagree, they lead to better material from the two. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So when it comes to the two making a movie, even though they've got good chemistry, is their act powerful enough to succeed, or will they wind up conjuring a Dark Comedy Cult Classic? (Cut to the title of "Penn & Teller Get Killed" then to clips from the movie that don't give everything away as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 1989 as the last film of Arthur Penn, "Penn & Teller Get Killed" shows just what happens when the duo, or more succinctly Penn Jillette, opens his mouth without thinking while the two pull their usual routine with each other. But can this show the best of the two, or is it worse than their Sin City Spectacular? Today we'll see our duo and what they can do to each other and everyone around them as they play in Jersey City. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And just so I can avoid the lynching, I probably deserve from certain people. I have censored where in Jersey City they're playing in both the dialogue and in the film itself (James pulls out a button) with this handy dandy device. So let's see how "Penn and Teller Get Killed" (Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with Penn Jillette, and Teller, played by Penn Jillette and Teller,  as the two are doing their TV Anti-Gravity looking like Magic trick as Carlotta, played by Caitlin Clarke, is checking out the two as she is both their manager and Penn's Girlfriend. As they go on a Late Night Talk Show to do their trick, talk about how Psychic Surgery is a load, and promote their two-week performance stint at [Bleep] Casino, and then Penn does something no one with the right amount of common sense would say in any way, or matter and get away with by today's standards. (Show the clip in which Penn talks about wishing someone would kill him. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
WHY?! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU SAY THAT UNLESS YOU WANT TO HAVE EVERY NUT WITH A SCREW LOOSE OUT TO HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE AN ANIMAL?! ARE YOU STUPID, PENN JILLETTE, OR ARE YOU JUST LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SHOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THAT NUTS! (Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The next morning our threesome makes it to the airport as a religious zealot is shot down by Penn and Teller before giving them his spiel about God, and for the record, I would never force my religious beliefs on anyone, nor should anyone else for that matter, however, the man of God must be a Ted Nugent fan as he tries to scare Penn and Teller into finding religion and here is what takes up a good portion of the movie's run time. The two of them try to out-prank each other or the people around them at random times, with Carlotta working with Teller as Penn goes through the metal detector. (Show the clip of Penn as he tries to go through the Metal Detector and slowly has a nervous breakdown. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Just imagine the two if they had to do this movie today; they'd have more to go through. (Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Penn discovers that Teller had set him up and, to pay him back, puts Teller in thumb cuffs, fills the holes with glue, and puts a fake gun in there. Our heroes soon make it to the Casino, and again, if I was on YouTube, I would be putting my mug over the name of the Casino because, again, people seem to hate him. As their first show ends the way, most of their shows end with a trick that ends with the apparent demise of Teller. The two decide to hit the slots, which becomes an experiment on how and why you should not take free money. (Show clip of Penn as he gambles with another gambler in the slots as Teller throws money at the guy, then Penn sets off a Change war as he shouts about how the revolution is started at [Bleep] Casino. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, there goes their engagement. (Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Later on, that night, Penn and Carlotta discuss how stupid an idea it was for the two to cause chaos in the casino. Carlotta also talks about her rich Uncle Ernesto and how he's suffering from tumors and wants to spend his cash on Psychic Surgeons. Penn decides that if they can save one person from their stupidity, it will be worth it for them to show Uncle Ernesto why Psychic Surgeons are BS! (Show clip of Penn as he goes through Psychic Surgery and then tells Uncle Ernesto how it's done. The movie continues as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After saving Uncle Ernesto, we find Penn & Teller practicing their schtick for an appearance on David Letterman as three angry associates of the Psychic Surgeon find Penn, Teller, and Carlotta. Teller makes what could've been a minor misunderstanding into a bigger situation as he tries to fight off the three as Penn & Teller are taken, and Carlotta is grabbed as well. Penn and Teller are strapped down to a pair of gurneys as the psychic surgeon decides to gut Penn Jillette while Penn gives time for Teller to get loose. (Show clip of Penn as he uses the time to distract the Psychic Surgeon and as Teller begins his attack and screams, and the joke is on Penn. James continues his voiceover) That's right, this was Teller's response prank to what happened to him at the Airport and what Teller did to Penn through the Airport earlier. After another appearance at [BLEEP] Casino, Penn is shot, and it looks like things are getting real as Teller sees the maniac who shot Penn and tails the guy. Thinking this was another one of Teller's pranks, Penn isn't taking what Teller tried to convey to him as seriously. I guess when you prank each other long enough, what's true and what isn't becomes a blur. The next day as the duo prep for another show, Penn finally realizes that this isn't one of Teller's pranks! (Cut to Penn as he has a shattered bust of his head as he says, "It isn't you, is it?" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, let's see, he found a guy with a long-range sharpshooter's rifle with your name on it; he followed the guy most of the night as the nut disappeared and has been trying to stop the cuckoo bird. WHY, IN THE NAME OF SAMUEL LANGFORD HELL, DO YOU THINK THIS IS TELLER'S DOING? (Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Now incognito, Penn and Teller going under the pseudonyms of Fats and The Hunted, the movie becomes very weird. (Show the Memoirs of The Hunted moments as Penn does narrations as The Hunted and describes the pseudo-realistic detective. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
That's a unique description of a detective.

(Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Penn and Teller finally meet the Officer, played by Celia McGuire, who is the same actress as Carlotta, under a pseudonym, assigned to find the hitman and protect Penn and Teller as the three hit the streets to find the guy. Penn & Teller are taken to Officer McNamara's boat for protection. While Penn and McNamara watch the Three Stooges, listen to The Velvet Underground and enjoy Colas, Teller discovers the nutjob again and decides enough is enough; he's going to buy a gun to protect himself and Penn from the psycho. After some time under McNamara's protection, The nutjob is captured, and Penn wants to see this guy's place. The results...? (Show clip of Penn and Teller's psychotic fan's video and their reaction. Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Not exactly the reaction I would have. I would be more in the thought of, "Okay, either make sure he gets One Deca-Quadrillion year life sentence, or I will give him the pleasure of being around me, but he'll be a sorry son of a bitch after a half a day with me! (Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Penn and Teller thank McNamara for doing her duties, and Teller decides he doesn't need his gun anymore. But maybe he should've kept it, as Penn is gutted like a trout! Getting Penn to a hospital, Teller finds the guy who stabbed to be the same sociopath who is out to kill Penn and chases him down as we discover the knife is a breakaway prop, which means that this is all Penn's response prank for what Teller did to him with Uncle Ernesto's Psychic Surgeon as Penn response to what Teller did to Penn at the airport. However, like one of their shows, this is the prank that backfires as Teller finds his gun and shoots Penn, then himself, and we see that the fanatic was an actor hired by Penn and Carlotta. Teller realizing what he did starts off a chain reaction that ends this movie for all intent and purposes. (Show Teller as he shoots Penn, then talks, and Carlotta shows who she is, the two discover that the gun was real and Teller had killed Penn, and Teller's last words are "No Hard Feelings." as he kills himself. Carlotta jumps out a window. The actor and his friend kill themselves, and the chain reaction of people killing themselves occurs as Penn tells the audience they died and that they had no other option than to go through with the ending of the movie. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, I think that this qualifies as a prequel to "The Happening" because only the spirits of the dead that can't move on would cause everyone to kill themselves, especially if it's the spirits of Penn Jillette and Teller! (Cut to "Penn & Teller Get Killed" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):

"Penn and Teller Get Killed" is exactly what you expect from Penn & Teller if they were the stars of their own movie. A lot of their social commentary, A lot of laughs, and plenty of pranks. While initially, it was not a success at the box office, much like "UHF", which came out the same year, the movie has become a Cult Classic. However, as "UHF" was light-hearted and funny, "Penn and Teller Get Killed" was Penn and Teller at their 1980s best, twisted, dark, and full of social commentary. It's available on Digital, and for a while, it was on DVD, and if you can get it, I strongly suggest you see this movie to see Penn and Teller at their most demented and darkly humorous. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since Penn & Teller are technically magicians, this is a great setup for next month, which happens to be October. (Audio of someone saying, "And you know what that means!") Can't I even get into Halloween mode before you come in to annoy me?  (Cut to the source of the audio, who happens to be Phelous.)

Phelous:
Oh, I am just making sure you keep up with your word! (Cut to James as he morphs into Halloween mode!)

TLOTA:
I am going to do a double dose of Ghostbusters next month, starting with "Ghostbusters: Afterlife" and ending with "Extreme Ghostbusters," and if that isn't enough for you, then I don't know what to tell you. (Cut to Phelous)

Phelous:
Well, considering you had to produce that Internet Daytime Talk Show and Direct that Game Show Pilot that you had me and Allison sit through. I had more fun watching another one of those straight-to-video knockoff animated movies of the better ones from Disney.  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Excuse me for a moment; I'm going to talk to Mr. Wall; at least I can have a meaningful conversation. (James turns around.) Hello Mr. Wall, you know that the Internet Daytime Talk show and Game show pilot wasn't my idea but, in fact, my forced upon business partner's ideas. And those ideas have destroyed my credibility in creating quality content. (Cut to Phelous)

Phelous:
You keep talking to the wall, I'll see myself out! (Phelous walks away. Cut to James as he turns around.)

TLOTA:
Well, glad he got the point! In the meanwhile, I've got my October workload to do! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

A taste of the "Rainbow"

(Scene begins with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Kent Lilly and Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear, and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of "Written by James Faraci with assistance from Steve Kidd & Chris Lee Moore, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions, Directed by James Faraci" as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words "The" "Last" "Of" "The" appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the term "Americans" start to come forward as it pulls down, and James' Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans and half of team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to James as he looks through the mail)

TLOTA:
Yeah, I just got the mail Rowdy. Oh, you heard about her through the Reviewerverse chatter; I will give it a watch and see if she'll like it. (A voice out of frame says, "Who is she?" as James turns and sees Chad Narducci.)

TLOTA:
Oh, it's you. (Phone makes talking noises) I was talking briefly to the son of a bitch that has tanked my reputation! No, Chad Narducci! Yep, that's him, same guy. Yeah, he made the internet daytime talk show, made that pilot that you sat at, and mentioned that you'd rather watch that show from across the pond again about you know who. Uh-huh, uh-huh, see you in October. Stay Rowdy, dude. Chad, do me a favor and come up with the idea that would say, "Oh, those who were wronged by the "AWESOME" were butt hurt and completely unprofessional and deserves hatred while the "AWESOME" were so innocent!". Seriously, why are you out to end my career? (Cut to Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
Okay, I admit my ideas aren't panning out, but eventually, I'll come up with a great idea to get us going. (Cut to James as he sorts out the mail and gives Chad his mail)

TLOTA:
Here's your mail, and I'm betting a lot of it is rejected ideas that I have to foot the bill to get done. And with most of my budget going to bail you out of your messes, I can only pay for two of the team members at a time, and I told you why I couldn't do Patreon or any of these crowdfunding things without a partnership. (Chad blows James off by going, "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!") Alex, your residuals from your photo tutorials, along with bills. Eric, here's your latest editor's guide, and Olivia, your packages. Oh, and here it is, Baby Kinsleigh's present from Rowdy. "Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer" and a Digital Copy. Okay, everyone, video-checking time for Kinsleigh! (Everyone hops onto the couch as we see everyone get ready to watch the movie. The screen cuts to black with the text "One Viewing Later…" then cuts to everyone as they wonder what it is they just watched and if they had seen it before. Cut to James as he walks away and into his office.)

TLOTA:
Why am I reminded of something I saw 25 years ago? (Cut to the title card of "Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 1985, "Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer" was a movie that did okay but quickly disappeared from the box office. But did it deserve to disappear that? Well, we're about to discover how and why this movie reminded me of something else and if this led to anything more. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's not waste any time; this is "Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer." (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It should be known that the primary producers of the movie were DIC entertainment which made classic kids' shows like "Inspector Gadget," "The Super Mario Brother Super Show," and "The Real Ghostbusters," to name a few of the series they did. The movie opens as we hear this Verruca Salt Brat saying she wants the biggest diamond in the universe and won't stop until she gets it. She's known as "The Princess," and she won't be stopped. (Cut to the intro credits and the song that plays. We soon then cut to a… (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Yeah, okay, this is interesting. I remember singing that from where I was to help my friend about eight years ago. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So this is Rainbow Brite as her friends surround her to wake her up and her little fur ball friend Twink has some special dust to help Rainbow Brite create Rainbows. Rainbow makes her way to earth to bring spring to everyone. However, this duo of Murky Dismal and Lurky is out to get Rainbow Brite for one reason. To take the color out of the universe! However, there's this one girl named Stormy who controls winter and rain and wants more rain storms. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And as much as I can't believe I'm saying this, I say let it rain! These droughts have been chaotic. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
Stormy brings out her horse Skydancer and tries to keep winter around a little longer. Who does she think she is? The Groundhog from Groundhog's Day? However, Rainbow gets the win as she meets up with Brian, who sees that winter is still around and that if spring doesn't happen soon, it might be the end of life as we know it. Why am I reminded of something similar? Rainbow soon returns to her home as On-X meets her, as it delivers a message to Rainbow that Orin, the leader of the planet Spectra, has gone missing. Rainbow goes to find Orin as the Princess from the intro is out to find the greatest diamond in the galaxy, which happens to be the planet Spectra. Helping Rainbow is a kid in a colored armored suit named Krys. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Something is VERY familiar about this. The largest diamond in the universe, People are freezing to their ends, Armored people trying to stop the bad guy's plans, humorous side villains that are not threatening. Why does this seem so familiar? Maybe if I take a break, it will help. 

(James sits in his office, thinking as the scene fades to black as it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to James in his office, having slugged down his tenth bottle of "Liquid I.Q.”)

TLOTA:
I KNOW I'VE SEEN THIS PLOT BEFORE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE!

(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Krys and Rainbow get along as well as… let me say Chad, and I have been getting along better than Krys and Rainbow. When they find the leader of the planet Spectra, he says they're Spectra's only hope to be saved. While that is happening, Murky and Lurky decide to go to Spectra to find Rainbow and take her belt. Rainbow and Krys find a way to get into the Princess's castle and beg her to stop her plans as it will kill everything. The Princess' response? Send Rainbow and Krys to spend eternity on a Prison planet owned by Sargeant Zombo, who takes Starlight and imprisons Rainbow, Krys, and Orin. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I HAVE SEEN THIS PLOT BEFORE! And I already used my commercial break. Maybe I could go to my college to see if they can help. (Cut to James as he goes to his college to work out the elements of the plot and works with his fellow students. Cut to James back in his office.)

TLOTA:
Even my fellow students can't figure out what this plot is about! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Orin tells Rainbow and Krys the only way to save Spectra is to destroy the Princess's crystal. Starlight gets Rainbow her belt back in a battle between the Princess and her, and as The Princess continues to give the most annoying brat on the planet who needs to get their backside kicked when OH HAI KNUCKLEHEADS! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
To quote the late Tony Stark in "Marvel's The Avengers." (Cut to the clip as he looks at the interface monitor and says, "Huh, How about that?" (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Distracted, Krys and Rainbow destroy the princess' power crystal. Hotter than Texas chili and defeated, The Princess is so upset she destroys a crystal and decides to go full Fury Road to destroy Spectra. However, Rainbow has other plans. (Show clip of Rainbow using her Rainbow powers to destroy the ship. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm sure she survived. At least, I think she did; if she did, I hope she found herself the same way Jeff Goldblum's Character in "Thor: Ragnarok" did. (Cut to the Princess on Sakarr as she acts just like she did in Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer and then got a beating from the Gladiator Hulk! Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So the day is saved, life is restored to everyone, and the movie ends as Rainbow returns home with everything back to normal. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was "Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer." It's a good 1980s animated harmless kid's movie. (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While the animation quality is what DIC was known for, the voice-acting cast, including Peter Cullen, Pat Fraley, Scott Menville, and Charlie Adler, did a great job. The plot does remind me of something I saw. While I recommend the movie to parents who have young children now, and it gives you a feeling of nostalgia, and you find yourself enjoying it, I hope this is your cup of bright and colorful tea. Find it anywhere you can and enjoy this taste of the Rainbow. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I know I have harped on this, but why has this movie reminded me of another film? What is the movie that haunts my mind? (A knock on the door is heard.) It's open! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller at the door.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I thought that after watching that kid's film for Kinsleigh, we'd check out that Robert Pattinson "The Batman" movie. (Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
Batman? Batman! (James sits in his chair until it hits him as he screams in pain as a flood of scenes from Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin" fill his head with distorted audio of "This is why Superman works alone!", "What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!" "I am nature's arm,  her spirit, her will. Hell, I am mother nature, and the time has come for plants to take back the world so rightfully ours!",  then Robin's Scream turns into a monstrous roar as it cuts to James in Rowdy's place with James' face covered in blood and a rainbow. James turns to see a very disturbed look on Rowdy's face.)

Rowdy:
James, What happened? (Cut to James as his hands shake.)

TLOTA:
I don't know! (Fade to black)