Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure: Mako Mermaids Season 1 Part 1

(0:00-0:24 and 0:30-0:34 of the First season of Mako Mermaids trailer plays before cutting 0:34-0:44 of the trailer as James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): To para-quote an alcoholic robot from the year 3000. "Well, You're Boned!" Welcome my friends To Mako Mermaids Season one

(Cut to Scenes from season one of "Mako Mermaids" as "I Just Wanna Be" is played in the background before cutting Mako Island before it cuts to a scene of James in a lounge chair and the words "Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure" above James before cutting to clips of the show and the season as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Okay, it's confession time, I watched a few episodes of "H2O: Just Add Water" and the rest of the series of Snippets. I had to re-watch the entire series for the purpose of this retrospective! Mako Mermaids however when it debuted I did NOT have any inkling of watching because my first impression was that it was "H2O: Just Add Water" lite with Gender Reversal plus I have no idea where it stood in continuity with original series. Was a precursor to "H2O: Just Add Water" or a successor to "H2O: Just Add Water"? Originally the series was meant to be a prequel to "H2O: Just Add Water" then decided to make it a sequel series. But myself as to how I checked it out, well... one Saturday afternoon after seeing there was NOTHING on TV I decided "Okay, What the Hey? I'll check out "Mako Mermaids" and I actually found myself thoroughly entertained after seeing the first season and I found myself foaming at the mouth for a second season and here's the thing, it could've been posted two weeks after season one premiered because unlike "H2O" which became a success through the Internet & streaming services because of Kismet. This time around Jonathan Shiff went to Netflix for an international distributer of the series, which I think was a smart move on his part. Also unlike "H2O" the only status quo is that we will only a handful of characters will be a part of the series for the entire run. One getting a great arc and One getting one HELL of a screw job in the supposed final season but we'll get to that when we get to that season. The theme song again is okay and again if you like it all hope and positive power to you. Have a listen to the theme song. (Cut to opening credits as the music plays before cutting to clips of the first season and James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Then there is the songs that are performed by actress Amy Ruffle during her tenure in the first two seasons. She sings fine but the music is just not to my liking. Here have a listen to one of Amy Ruffle's songs (Cut to Amy Ruffle as she sings in the Juice Bar before cutting to the pilot as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): The series begins with the episode "Outcasts". We open on Mako Island and we find not one or two or even a handful of mermaids BUT an entire freaking Pod! And while yes some mermaid enthusiasts call it a colony or something similar to that effect, I'll stick with calling it a Pod. But I digress We see in this Pod three mermaids in particular Sirena, Lyla and Nixie as sadly they drew the short squid and get stuck on Moon Pool duty due to letting two humans named Zac played by Chai Romruen & Cam played by Dominic Deutscher make their annual camping trip to the Island. Huh, I guess Mako Island is no longer Off-Limits. However it's the night of the full moon and while The Pod prepare their annual celebration on the island Zac takes a leak that opens up a cave which just so happens to leads to a symbol of a trident which turns the ground around him into a portal and long story short he drops in on Sirena, Lyla and Nixie in the Moon Pool. Literally! The Next Morning Zac has no memories of what happened to him except winding up on the beach in the morning. Sirena's sister Aquata and a friend in the pod overhear what the three were talking about  and what happened in the Moon Pool during the ceremony. The three find Zac as he returns to the mainland and then... (Show the moment Zac's powers make the water bend before getting blasted by water and landing in the water only for him to emerge from the water as a merman.) Well who knows maybe they can invite him to join them I mean a sausage party won't spoil the clam bake. (Cut to Aquata telling the three that the Pod is leaving the Island and the three are to be casted out of the pod.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): CRAP!  Before Aquata leaves, she gives Sirena her Moon ring, leaving the three to come up with a plan to rid Zac of his tail and powers and bring the pod back to Mako Island. "Outcasts" sets up the season's storyline, characters and story arcs rather well especially for what Zac has to deal with throughout the entire series. Following the episode "Outcasts" the three decide to go to the mainland, grow legs, befriend and then strip the powers and tail off of Zac, convince the Pod that the Island is protected once again, go to The Winchester, Grab a Pint and wait for this whole thing to blow over...Eh... (Chuckles nervously) Whoops went off track there, Sorry. The three use the Power of Aquata's Moon Ring to gain their legs and THANK MERCIFUL GOD THE CAMERAMAN FILMED THE SCENES AT THE RIGHT ANGLES! Because when they filmed these scenes back in 2013 actresses Amy Ruffle who played Sirena and Lucy Fry who played Lyla were 19 at the time and Ivy Latimer who played Nixie was 17 at the time and possibly would not have gotten away with shooting those scenes unless they were wearing a one piece strapless swimsuits or a pair of short shorts and a strapless top out of frame and yes I know the show is filmed in Australia and there are different consent laws as there are different rules for filming certain scenes involving young women when it comes to nudity but to me the thought of seeing teen girls in the buff is just... ewwy! Especially since I've got twin teenage nieces. But the three quickly and mercifully get clothes on and try to blend in with the humans. So in a way it's Fish out of water story for the three. They eventually learn Zac's name and regroup back on the moon pool for the next day.

In the next episode they meet Rita Santos played by Kerith Atkinson, who is the Principal at Zac's school who takes Sirena's sister's moon ring. Determined to get it back the three find an entrance to a cave behind a bookcase at Rita's house. Okay if they see either Tommy Oliver and a meteor with multi-colored Dino-Gems or Batman SWIM AWAY! I kid, they find a grotto filled with ancient treasures and a tide pool and to their surprise, Rita! Who is a mermaid. Apparently she left the pod of her own volition to be with a human she fell in love with and sadly died before the two could get married and she chose of her own free will to stay amongst the humans in exile and has a pet cat named Poseidon. Rita eventually allows sanctuary to the three and the cover story is that Nixie, Lyla and Sirena are Rita's nieces and she home schools them.

After a few filler episodes the story continues in "Zac's Pool Party". Evie, Zac's girlfriend played by Gemma Forsyth decides to throw Zac a surprise Pool Party which even Zac and Cam think is the worst idea. Lyla consoles Zac throughout the party and after Cam and Zac have a blowout Cam angrily pushes Zac into the pool Lyla, Nixie and Sirena promise to keep his merman secret. In the following episode the three try to help Zac seeing if blocking out the moonlight would cut his ties to the Island and remove his tail and powers. It's sadly for naught as the three find him in a trance after a sliver of moonlight goes into his little home away from his parents place before he can re enter the cave he snaps out of the trance but by the end of the episode he shows them he can turn invisible much like the three. In another episode after this with a title similar to the one after "Zac's Pool Party" Zac finally re-enters the cave only to find a portal that leads to a stable water flow that holds a secret within it, A trident. The Story advances in the episode "Betrayal" and if the title of the episode is an indication it should be a no brainer what happens! After Zac gets into another moon trance due to Nixie deciding to allow the moonlight to hit Zac. Zac grabs the Trident and is shocked that the three he thought were trying to help him were in fact Mermaids who he believes is trying to destroy him. While the trident sticks around in the water dimension, it's clear the friendship between Zac and the mermaids is over and Zac reunites with Cam with plans to get the Trident. (Fade to Black)

To Be Concluded in Part 2

Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure: Mako Mermaids Season 1 Part 2

(Cut to clips of the second half of the first season of "Mako Mermaids" as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): In the following episode Zac practically blackmails Rita and nearly forces her to move away which for Lyla, Nixie and Sirena is not good. Because as far as Lyla, Nixie and Sirena are concerned Rita has been more of a mother to the three than anyone in the pod ever could be. Which has me questioning how good a parent can a mermaid be or how a mermaid becomes a mom in the first place? At any rate the three decide to fight fire WITH fire nearly causing Evie to discover Zac's secret. Mind you it will happen later this season but for now the three make it clear, DON'T MESS WITH RITA SANTOS EVER AGAIN! Rita, in the meanwhile, decides that the time has come for the girls to learn how to harness their powers and earn their moon rings which could give them an automatic bypass of them being casted out and allow them to return to the Pod. Man, There's so many loopholes for the three to get out of their punishment, stop Zac to have the Pod return or earn Moon Rings to rejoin the Pod. I'm starting to wonder why the Pod even left the Island at all. The next development in the storyline is in the episode "The Trident Job" in which the next time the full moon is in power and it just so happens to be on Halloween and Evie is throwing a Halloween Party and what happens could be considered on the same level as an Oceans' Eleven level of con-artistry as by the end of the episode Zac now has possession of the Trident. Which for Rita, Sirena, Lyla and Nixie and by extension the Pod is bad news to the umpteenth power!

After a few filler episodes including one in which Sirena's sister returns just as the three get the trident away from Zac and another one in which I felt so bad for actress Gemma Forsyth, the story continues in "Zac's Choice" As the three continue to progress closer to getting their moon rings, Zac finds the trident and accidentally zaps Lyla as the two struggle for the trident. She's revived thanks to Zac deciding to do the right thing and help empower the Moon Rings to save Lyla's life. Zac also decides to return the Trident to it's hiding spot ending the feud with Nixie, Lyla and Sirena. In the second to last episode Cam tricks both Nixie and Evie to help him get the trident and it is in that same episode Evie discovers the truth about Zac, Nixie, Lyla and Sirena. The season comes to a close in the episode "Decision Time". The episode opens with Zac having a nightmare about destroying the Moon Pool with the power of the trident. After telling the three about this, Zac believes he has no choice but to find a way to be stripped of his powers and his tail. In the meanwhile Cam tries to trick Evie into helping him with his plan to become a merman himself and rule Mako Island. Hearing that the three try to stop him but with the help of Zac, Cam's plans are foiled and the trident is destroyed but it's power has yet to be fully unveiled. The three are awarded their Moon Rings and Evie makes peace with the three after being rather unfriendly to the three most of the season. (Show ending of "Decision Time" in which the three mermaids and Zac swim together and where Rita, Evie and Cam stand at the end of the season before fading to black and then cutting to clips of the season as James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover) Mako Mermaids Season 1 took everything "H2O"  had and improved on a lot of what that show did and this season itself had a lot going for itself and it lived up to it. The storyline was engaging, the writing was strong especially when it came to expanding the mythos of the Island including a "Great Conflict" between Mermaids and Mermen which they mention at great lengths and the characters were enjoyable and developed well and yeah let's get into the characters that we will NOT be seeing again after this season because of reasons we'll get to when we talk about their departure. While we won't see Aquata in the next season, I think it's for the best because she didn't do much except be a plot device for Sirena who we'll talk about next time. Nixie on the other hand had some good development. She would try to be right on certain things and her attitude came back to bite her in the end, in the episode "I Don't Believe In Mermaids" Nixie thinks the Pod is gone and they aren't coming back. She accidentally gives bad advice to a little boy which backfires and tries to live like how she believes humans live but thankfully Rita tells her that in no direct ways not to give up on the Pod or herself for that matter and in turn she gives the right advice to the little boy and asks when he's on that boat to toss a shell to Sirena's sister. While she had the moments where subtlety wasn't her strong suit she did seem by the end of the season to be more open to experiencing and learning new things. Lyla started off very hot headed, determined, smart and she had moments throughout the first half of the season where she was very arrogant. She thought she was the De Facto leader of the three this season even trying to handle Zac on her own with creative yet not the best ideas considering the situation. In the episode "Lyla Alone" as Rita encourages the three to try to blend in better with humanity. Lyla wants get back to the pod and return the status quo of before Zac and to do that she felt she had handle Zac on her own and nearly exposes herself in the process. As time goes on she softens and tries in more subtle ways to including befriend Zac and even being sympathetic to Zac, even connecting in a more friendly way and after "Zac's Choice" Lyla even tries to teach Zac about mermaid history, the history of the Island and the ways of the ocean and so on. While I can't confirmed this, I believe if Lyla had stayed on there would've been tension between Zac, Evie and Lyla. And when writers do something for funsies like that, it is time once again for....

(Cut to a black background and the words "HOW I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT!" in neon as James' voice echoes those words before hearing stock Game Show Music as clips of the season play in the background and James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): The ceremony mentioned by the Pod in the beginning of the episode would have had more significance. You see for a long time in the Pod, The Guardian had been thought of as a myth or legend so to hear The Guardian once again would've meant good things were to happen to The Pod. That is until Zac's incident happened, The Guardian only knew something had occurred what it was he has no clue until Sirena, Nixie & Lyla appear on the beach and he finds them in the second episode. The Guardian quickly befriends the three and they tell of what they remember, including that it was a human boy that fell in and quickly the three recognize him as does The Guardian whose face definitely shows his concern, he had known Zac Blakely for a long time.

While the third episode happens exactly as it did The Guardian tries quickly to contact Rita about The three and Zac but he arrives at the wrong time in Rita's Grotto. He helps the three and Rita out even getting a few good moments of characterization from him especially in the episode "Moon Ring 2" which would have gone into greater detail to something that was alluded to in "H2O". He mentioned to the three that the Moon ring Zac found belonged to The Guardian's beloved, Ismira! Ismira was a mermaid in the pod from Mako during "The Great Conflict" and although love was forbidden for The Guardian who was an apprentice to The Guardian before him and although she had a moon ring and was a part of the pod already The Guardian's ring was an engagement ring and he reclaimed it by the end of the episode. Also The Guardian can speak to animals like Dr. Doolittle even having conversations with Poseidon in cat howls and meowing. Although instead of Rita in the episode AFTER Zac and The Mermaids discover each other's secret, it would be said outright at the end of the episode when Zac discovers Lyla, Nixie and Sirena's secret of being mermaids by The Guardian. The rest of the season The Guardian would assist the three in stopping Zac and with what was going on in the season even helping stopping Cam. While the season would end the same way, The Guardian would look in meditative concern about the future of the Island, the Pod and Zac. But we'll work on that next time on...

(Cut to a black background and the words "HOW I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT!" in neon as James' voice echoes those words before cutting back to clips of the season one as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): After a successful first season, the show was picked up for a second season. What we'd get is something that is reminiscent of the past, things that changes the course of things of the future and more surprises, twists and turns. But we'll get to that next time as we return to Mako Island for season 2 of "Mako Mermaids" (Fade to black before cutting to Zac & Cam trying to power up the trident comically before cutting to black)

Sunday, August 13, 2017

The Top Ten Unexpectedly Bad Ass Characters

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. When you look into the faces of say Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone,Jet Li, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jackie Chan, Danny Trejo, Bruce Lee and of course Chuck Norris (Cut to a fireworks display as an image of Chuck Norris is shown in front of it as a Chorus sings "A CHUCK NORRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!" before cutting to James physically) Okay that was weird but regardless when you look at them you know one thing. (Cut to clips of them blowing everything up and being bad ass heroes as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): These people are gonna kick ass blow everything up around them and save the day! When they see their own blood, they're like "PFFFFT, Whatever, I've got a few hundred necks to snap, a bomb to waste the bad guys with and a town of people to adore over me as I go on a rampage that Real Law officials would NOT approve of and have me arrested for." (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But you know what? If I were to show you a few images of people who aren't as Bad Ass as those guys I'm willing to bet you would say the following (Show images of Rory Williams from "Doctor Who", Bob Ross, Lieutenant Olivia Benson from "Law & Order SVU", Carter Grayson from "Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue", Katara from "Avatar The Last Airbender" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): "Pfft, look at these white bread, boring, dull, lifeless Mary Sues and Gary Stews they're dumbasses in distress and they're gonna need the bad asses to save their sorry backsides." (Cut to "Superman Returns" clip of Lex Luthor shouting "WRONG!" before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Well Put "Superman Returns" Clip! These guys are the real bad asses! (Cut to clips of some unexpected bad assery done by these unsuspecting bad asses as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If I was in a dark alleyway and I saw Rory Williams coming my way, I'd head back in the opposite direction in tears crying for my mommy! If Carter Grayson were to kick my sorry backside I knew I'd have it coming! If Katara got her hands on me, I'd be a friggin pretzel!

So to salute them I'm counting down the top ten Unexpectedly Bad Ass Characters in TV and in Films.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Grab a first aid kit, make out your will and pray these people never find you these are the Top Ten Unexpectedly Bad Ass Characters! (Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:00-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background as the words "The Top  Unexpectedly Bad Ass Characters!" before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Ten

10) The ladies from Netflix series "GLOW"  (Cut to clips of the Netflix Series "GLOW" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Let me say this now, I actually liked this series, it's very loosely based on the actual events of the Syndicated All Female Pro-Wrestling organization even though I barely ever saw the actual GLOW organization and from some interviews from of the original ladies of the GLOW organization weren't too happy to with the end product but regardless, seeing these women start off pretty lame and in the beginning Alison Brie was in "Trying Too Hard" territory, that's not to say she was bad far from it I liked her enthusiasm she just needed to reign in the energy. However as the series progressed Alison and everyone's characters were becoming more and more tougher and it didn't hurt that the show had Wrestlers like Johnny Mundo, Brodus Clay, Carlito, Laura James and her husband UGH Joey Ryan to help bolster the credibility of how Bad Ass these women could be and then came the fact the women were trained by Chavo Guerrero Jr just shows how dedicated to their craft everyone was. The ladies from the Netflix series GLOW! (Singing): Glow lovely bad ass ladies Glow!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Nine

9) Hikaru Sulu from "Star Trek" (Cut to Clips of all incarnations of Sulu from "Star Trek" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, Mr. Sulu from Star Trek is a BAD ASS! Now from the original series and the first six Star Trek movies you couldn't tell but at times he was someone you didn't want to cross if you were on his bad side. George Takei was a take charge kind of guy but a not so much bad ass and that's not to take away from George Takei's version but when John Cho was brought into playing Hikaru Sulu I was kind of wondering if they'd make him a dumbass in distress. Then I saw him on the Romulan Drilling Rig and... (Show clip of Hikaru Sulu kicking ass and doing so intelligently)

DAMN DUDE! YOU ARE BAD ASS NOW! AND NOT ONLY THAT, AN INTELLIGENT ONE TO BOOT! HATS OFF TO YOU DUDE! JOHN CHO YOU ARE A THINKING MAN'S ACTION STAR! And what does John Cho do in his second outing in Hikaru Sulu (Show clip of Sulu threatening John Harrison AKA Khan Noonien-Singh to drop the entire payload of missiles on him and Khan surrendering)

YEAH, You saw that! Sulu made Khan surrender! Hikaru Sulu, If I test you, you will succeed in being a bad ass!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Eight

8) Gabrielle from "Xena: Warrior Princess" (Cut to clips of Gabrielle from "Xena: Warrior Princess" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Over the span of the series she started off as the typical sidekick trope but over the course of the series she went from being the typical dumbass in distress to becoming a bad ass like her friend, compatriot and the lead character herself Xena. By the end of the series not only was a Bad Ass, she had grown to be a fully developed character. Granted the finale for everyone myself included will remain a LOAD  but in spite of that I have nothing but respect for Gabrielle. She had encouraged one of the greatest people to use their courage to change the world! That is what an Unexpected Bad Ass is all about.

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Seven

7) Carter Grayson from "Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue" (Cut to clips of Carter Grayson as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): When we first see him he's tough as hell as a firefighter like the hero he wants to be. But once he became the Red Ranger, if you were going to attack Mariner Bay make sure you have been given last rites, because you are HISTORY! It's no wonder he's The Chuck Norris Of Power Rangers. (Cut to an image of Carter Grayson smiling as a green screened image of an American flag and fireworks exploding in the background are seen and the "AHCHUCKANORRIS" voice does "THECHUCKANORRISOFAPOWERRANGAAAAARS!" before cutting to the clips of Lightspeed Rescue with James doing a voiceover)

And I think the actor Sean CW Johnson deserves a lot of the credit. Behind that smile and milquetoast physical appearance is the one red ranger NO ONE messes with! (Cut to clip of Demonite being held at gun point by Carter as Carter Blasts Demonite straight to hell before cutting to James as he peeks out from under the desk)


(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Six

6) Lieutenant Olivia Benson from "Law And Order Special Victims Unit" (Cut to clips of Olivia Benson as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Now I know being an Officer of The Law is a Bad Ass enough and rising above being a child of rape is pretty bad ass enough but while Olivia Benson had her Bad Ass moments during Elliot Stabler's tenure but here's the thing Elliot was a bad ass and it did rub off on Olivia. But when Elliot Stabler left the series she stepped up in the Bad Ass department in so many ways! She nearly killed the guy who wanted to force his way onto her. She became the commanding officer of the Unit that she's been in the longest, she adopted the son of a woman she failed to save. She became a better Bad-Ass then her former partners and for further proof as to how much a bad ass she's become check this clip out (Cut to Lt. Olivia Benson as she confronts the troll who made a false story about her son and Det. Amanda Rollins' Daughter and the troll walks away a little more scared before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: That's right, DON'T MESS WITH HER FAMILY EITHER PERSONALLY OR PROFESSIONALLY! BAD ASS! I Salute you Lieutenant Olivia Benson as one of the Unexpected Bad Ass Characters!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Five

5) Rory Williams from Series Five-Seven A of "Doctor Who" (Cut to Clips of Rory Williams as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): In the beginning yeah he kind of was the butt monkey of his first season. He was killed once in one of Amy's dreams, he died saving The 11th Doctor only to return as an Auton and had comically tried to fight off a Alien Fish Vampire in Venice Italy in his first full adventure with the Doctor but by his second season on Doctor Who this guy was put through hell and he decided to fight back! His wife was replaced by a Ganger Flesh based Avatar by the leader of a cult who took their daughter to turn her into a weapon against The Doctor. For Rory that was the last straw! He took down an entire cyber-legion! He fought off headless monks and Madame Kovarian's troops he became a one man English Army! This was the bad ass who in "The God Complex" saw the beast everyone thought was a god and when the beast saw Rory, turned tail and ran home crying for mommy and daddy! This guy was so bad ass he clobbered A Nazi and Adolf Hitler in the same episode add to that he held Hitler at Gunpoint and proceeded to shove Hitler into a cupboard!  (Cut to clips of Captain Rip Hunter from DC's Legends Of Tomorrow as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And I know as of late the Actor who played Rory Williams, Arthur Darvill is now playing another Bad Ass as Captain Rip Hunter of DC's Legends Of Tomorrow. But the guy is bad ass already!  (Cut to Clips of Rory Williams as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I am talking about the unexpected Bad Ass he played and Rory "The Roman Centurion" Williams,  I Salute You! You Magnificent Warrior (Show clip of Rory threatening The 12 Cyber Legion then asking "Would you like me to repeat the Question?" before cutting to James hiding behind his chair)


(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Four

4) Bob Ross! (Cut to clips of Bob Ross in "The Joy Of Painting" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right! Behind the soft spoken artistry of this guy is a man who served for our Armed Forces! If he wanted to, he could've made your death look like "A Happy Little Accident". But after serving for our Military, he chose to dedicate his life to making peaceful paintings of mountain landscapes, Forests and all sorts of interesting sorts of paintings and all of them done in half an hour! THAT IS A BAD ASS OF SO MANY LEVELS! I'm not even joking, this guy did missions to protect our way of life and then decided to teach something peaceful and serene, I am amazed at how this Bad Ass shifted gears and still remained Bad Ass until his untimely demise. But behind that gentle voice, beard and permed fro' was a bad ass that made bad people's death look like a happy little accident to making fluffy little clouds, beautiful evergreen trees seem interesting for a half hour. Happy painting in heaven and God Bless you, you unexpected bad ass!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Three

3) Katara from "Avatar: The Last Airbender" (Cut to Clips of Katara as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Don't let this young girl fool you, She is a waterbending Bad Ass! She could drown you on dry land and possibly bend you into a pretzel is nothing to sneeze at either! She made Prince Zuko soil himself in an episode centered around Katara exacting vengeance on the man who killed her and Sokka's mother when this happened (Show clip of Katara Blood Bending the General in charge of the army clip from The Nostalgia Critic's Top 11 Best Avatar The Last Airbender Episodes as he reacts to Katara Blood bends the guy before cutting to the finale as James does a voiceover.)

Then there's the finale! WHOA MY GOD! OH WHOA! WHOA WOW OH MY GOD! KATARA DROPPED THE HAMMER ON AZULA AND DIDN'T EVEN THINK TWICE TO FINISH THE FIGHT THAT AZULA HAD CHEATED TO TRY TO WIN AGAINST ZUKO AND KATARA WASTED THE PSYCHO WITHOUT A SECOND'S THOUGHT! Anyone who says Katara isn't a bad ass then you better hope that Mae Whitman the voice actor who played Katara never finds you because she will bend you to death!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Two

2) Willow Rosenberg from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" (Cut to clips of Willow from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): In a show filled with Bad Ass Vampire Slayers, Bad Ass Vampires and everyone in between Willow could've blended in and disappeared into the background. But over seven years she became a powerful user of magic, a strong fighter in her own unique rights and even became someone anyone no matter what their gender is or what is their personal preference in terms of romance. As much as the Slayer is meant to be alone, Willow Rosenberg lets us know that The Slayer can only be as Bad Ass as the entourage she keeps with her and Keeping Willow around Buffy showed the better side of Buffy and the Bad Ass side of Willow Rosenberg. That's a fair trade off in terms of Bad Assitude on the expected and unexpected Bad Asses!

(Cut to clips of unexpected bad assery as 0:34-1:01 of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 plays in the background before the number appears and James a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And The Number One Unexpected Bad Ass Character is...

1) Adrianna "Adrian" Pennino-Balboa from the Rocky Movies!  (Cut to clips of Adrian as she grows and evolves in the Rocky movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I'm not joking! Adrian is possibly the most Bad Ass Character and no it is not because she lived with a fighter it's because the fighter saw in her something inside of her. She started as a shy and retiring character who was afraid so much of the time she couldn't even stand up to her abusive brother Paulie until Rocky slowly but surely helps her emerge into the light and once that happened nothing stopped her from being a bad ass! How much of a bad ass, by the end of the second act she stands up to Paulie and lets the jackass who has held her back everything with two barrels! By The Second Movie she was so bad ass when she survived the complications involved with the birth of her only child and when her husband needed to be reminded of the inspiration he was to her in Rocky III she let him know that she became as strong and as bad ass as he was because Rocky saw what was inside of her and even though the other two movies she was as Bad Ass and tough she knew what needed to be said and told the honest truth and up until the fifth movie she was such a bad ass she didn't even need to be a bad ass to show how strong she was and that strength stayed with Rocky even after she passed on from this world. YO ADRIAN You did it! You are the most unexpected Bad ass Character EVER! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Any more I missed? Well Comment below and help me pray I never cross their path because I want to see VERY old age! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Bowling For "Stooges"

(Scene begins with James in his bedroom)

James Faraci: Hey guys, as I was working on this I had heard that Emer Prevost aka YouTuber He11sing920 had passed away. Uh I never knew the guy personally and professionally I liked some of his work and if he ever knew me professionally or personally I'll never know but Emer if you're watching this from heaven, I hope you enjoy my suffering as I deal with The Three Stooges 2012 movie and know the rest of this years' reviews I dedicate in your honor man! 

(Scene fades to black)

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony,  James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the outside of James’ Studio as a Dramatic Music sting plays in the background)

TLOTA (Audio only): THE THREE STOOGES! (Dramatic sting plays again as it cuts to the main lobby of James’ studio as Rebecca Yaun, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller, Eric Kurtzke, John and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion search High & Low) THE THREE STOOGES! I CONFESS I KILLED THEM!

Olivia Horvath: Any sign of him?


Rebecca Yaun: I hope that Felicia hasn’t broken him, if she has, I’ll rip her into oblivion!


Renee Miller: He’s not in the Mail room!

John & Mike Santos (In Unison): He’s not behind the couch!

Andrew Beach: Let’s think about this logically! (James groans a ghastly groan!)

Ed Champion: Where else would he be after watching a movie? (James groans especially loudly as a thud is heard, the others run to James’ office as James has a handgun in his hand!)

Others: HOLY SMOKES! (John swats away the handgun)

John Santos: Don’t use this! You might miss! Here, use the nine millimeters less kickback!

TLOTA: Thank you John, my dear, true friend!

Others: JOHN! (John has the look of OOPS on his face before John drops James like a bad habit before Rabbi Skullovitch, Father Bulkmeier and Sister Kimberly played by Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun and Brenda Fonseca)

Rebecca Yaun: ¡ Gracias por venir, el padre, el rabino y el hermana! ¡ James está aquí! ¡ Creo que su alma está poseída por demonios atormentando al pobre bastardo! ¡ Si no ha sido torturado por Felicia! ¡ Si es así, ella no vivió para arrepentirse de cruzar mi culo!

Father Bulkmeier: It is no problem my child, for if we can save anyone, it will be with the power of Shame!

Sister Kimberly: And if he can’t do it, A few Zets from me will straighten him out.

Rabbi Skullovitch: And if the two of them combined can’t do anything, leave it to me, The Schmendrick will be back in his place! Who knows maybe the three of us can do it together, maybe. (Rebecca takes Father Bulkmeier, Rabbi Skullovitch and Sister Kimberly to James in his office as John tries to convince James to blow his brains out with the nine millimeters before cutting to Rebecca in the doorway with the Religious Sect)

Rebecca Yaun: JOHN ROSS SANTOS! (Rebecca walks in, the camera shakes as the Religious Sect cover their eyes as John flies out the office and into the main lobby and Rebecca asks for forgiveness from the Religious Sect and they give her forgiveness and blessing as James plays “Three Blind Mice” on a keyboard)

TLOTA: Leave me be! (Cut to The Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: Your friends told us about some concerning things about a movie!

Sister Kimberly: It is okay my child! All bad movies are equally terrible in the eyes of the internet! (Cut to James as he turns to see the three.)

TLOTA: Oh really, tell me then how are you at adaptions of the past for the present audience. (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: We know somethings about those type of movies! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Well then perhaps… (Cut to a clip of “Josie And The Pussycats” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): You can tell me why putting a Three girl rock band in modern times with enough unsubtle subliminal commercial tie-ins that makes any Shaymalan film look competent in comparison can be a bad adaptation. (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: I’m afraid I haven’t heard of that one.

Sister Kimberly: Wait a second Father, doesn’t that sound like the “Josie And The Pussycats” movie? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: For the love of Peat Moss. Okay then well surely you know why… (Cut to “The Smurfs” by Raja Gosnell as James Does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Taking a group of classic characters who would say one word for most of the dialogue would be schlepped to New York City magically and help Neil Patrick Harris try to be a good husband to Jayma Mays and get over his fears of Parenthood while their mortal enemy is dumped upon constantly because of the plot. (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Sad to say boychick that doesn’t ring any bells.

Sister Kimberly: I do remember that sounding like that incredible “Smurfs” live action/CGI film Rabbi! (James screams in anger as the scene cuts to The Religious Sect as they react in fear as they hear the keyboard being smashed before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Here, What about this one? Three blue collar schmoes who find themselves trying to do good and the three… (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: Slap each other silly!

Rabbi Skullovitch: And by accident find themselves getting in over their heads until…

Sister Kimberly: A convenient Deus Ex Machina helps the three be the heroes! OH, MY POOR CHILD! WE KNOW OF THAT! OUR APOLOGIES! We had no idea you despised the movie as much as everyone else! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I DID! That was “The Three Stooges”! (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: The movie you claimed you killed! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: You heard that? (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: Ninety-Five percent of the county heard you my son!

Sister Kimberly: If you have something to confess, Do so in front of us for the sake of your soul! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: They were my Icons, I looked upon them for humor! (Cut to classic Three Stooges Public Domain Shorts as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Three Stooges blue collar guys thumbing their noses to the Hoi Polloi, whose slapstick made it cool not to look like a movie star and got to be the hero and win the love of the people and the hearts of the women they wanted. They started in Vaudeville in the turn of the century and lasted until the 1970’s not many acts could say that! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But nevertheless, when the Movie made by The Farrelly Brothers and was advertised every knucklehead like myself shuddered in fear. Not helping was this moment from WWE’s Monday Night RAW. (Show clips of Santino Marella as he looks for The Three Stooges. The moment he is with “The Three Stooges” and when the bit with Larry, Curly and Moe is DYING and Kane mercifully puts the moment out of its misery before cutting to James and The Religious Sect)

TLOTA: And the moment Kane choke slammed Curly thus putting the moment in which The Three Stooges were on WWE out of its misery like it was Old Yeller was the funniest moment of the episode! (Cut to James on the couch and he does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As I sat and put the DVD in I remember this and tried to prepare myself mentally to remember how bad this thing that bears an Iconic name. I also prepared myself a little game. How long it would take for me before I rage quit watching the movie and took it out to behind the alley of my studio before I shattered it into a billion pieces. That is until I hit the play button! (Cut to a clip of the movie being played on the screen and surprisingly James begins to laugh.) That is when something bizarre happened. I laughed at something I found Unfunny when I first saw it! THAT… (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: WAS THE THREE STOOGES! THAT MOMENT WAS NOW HILARIOUS WAS NOW ON THE SCREEN! IT HAD THE SAME SPIRIT, THE SAME HUMOR, EVEN THE SAME SORT OF PACING! No, no, no, no, NO! It had to be a mistake! It must’ve been! It had better have been! (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Okay Mensch, just so me, The Father and Sister Kimberly are aware, you tried to end yourself because of this movie? (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: The movie began! (Cut to the Religious Sect as they prepare to bang their heads together before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Something interesting to note is that the movie is paced and split into three different shorts that flow as one continuous story! Even The Three Stooges movies with Curly-Joe DeRita weren’t like that! The movie opens as we see a nun played by Larry David chastise a group of orphans at the Orphanage she works at, as the orphans kick a can of Coca-Cola! Now as we’re all aware Larry David is one of the funniest men on the planet. Why he would play a nun, I have no idea. One day a package is dropped onto their lap. It just so happens to be a baby version of… (Cut to Sister Mary Mengele gets Moe poked off the porch and the other nuns decide to they are to be blessed to see the three babies that look like the three stooges before cutting later in the movie.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We cut to a mere decade after the three were found and the day for Orphans to be adopted has come and the nuns are going to Push Larry, Curly and Moe HEAVILY and the couple who are looking to adopt are played by Carly Craig and… (Cut to James physically as he groans in fear as his hair is being blown upwards before James runs into a storage closet and grabs a box marked “Blacklisted Jokes”)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Hey Mensch? What’s with the box?

TLOTA: It’s all the jokes I vowed never to make again or ever make at all. And for Stephen Collins, I’ve got quite a few! Starting with Pedophile jokes with Stephen Collins, “Star Trek: The Motion Picture” Stephen Collins Jokes and Jokes about “7th Heaven” about Stephen Collins as of this moment SEALED FOREVER IN THIS BOX! (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Sister Kimberly: Makes sense to me

(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The couple originally chose Moe and Moe seemed fine with it until he asks the two to take Larry & Curly with him, as we all know a happy couple would never… (Cut to them dropping Moe back to the Orphanage and taking a friend of theirs named Teddy instead before cutting to Present day.)

We soon cut to the present day as we see the three now fully grown up and played by Chris Diamantopolis, Sean Hayes & Will Sasso and working as Janitors at the Orphanage and sadly Monsignor Ratliffe played by Brian Doyle-Murray as he plans on closing the orphanage meanwhile the three hear that one of their young friends named Murph is not feeling well, to save Murph and the Orphanage they need to raise $830,000 in 30 days. It is with that the three decide to head out into the world and earn the money. Sisters, You’re in need of a miracle! Ending the first act (Cut to James and the Religious sect.)

TLOTA: And to be surprisingly fair, this first act was very reminiscent of The Three Stooges of my childhood. The rest of the movie wants to try to see if the Stooges can fit into the modern world we live in. (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: Like trying to use…

TLOTA: Cameos from say the cast of Jersey Shore? (Cut to a clip of Moe trying to fit into the Cast of Jersey Shore before cutting to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: That’s as out of left field as…

TLOTA: The Three Stooges trying to use an IPhone? (Cut to the clip of Curly trying to use the IPhone before cutting to the Religious Sect)

Sister Kimberly: But it’s not like they brought in someone from…

TLOTA: “Modern Family” to use The Three Stooges and then later discover to be in cahoots with a villain in a subplot? (Cut to the first scenes of Sofia Vergara as Gipsy King’s “Bamboleo” before cutting to Rabbi Skullovitch, Father Bulkmeier and James looking lustfully at Sofia Vergara then cutting to Sofia’s character interacting with the Three Stooges before cutting back to Rabbi Skullovitch, Father Bulkmeier and James looking lustfully at Sofia Vergara before Sister Kimberly slaps the three and James groans like Curly before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as the second act begins we are introduced to Sofia Vergara’s character as she and her boytoy plan to eighty-six Sofia’s Character’s husband and they need Three chuckleheads to be the patsies so they can get away with it Scott free and… (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Right on cue! (Cut to Sofia’s character tries to convince The Three Stooges to kill her husband and nearly finishes off Sofia’s Character’s boytoy before cutting to later in the movie.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Later the three visit the guy in the Hospital after some unfunny gross-out humor which even the REAL Three Stooges wouldn’t do. (Cut to James and the Religious sect)

TLOTA: And before I hear from you three I am aware of how the shorts by today’s standards aren’t so Kosher! (Cut to clips of classic shorts that by today’s standards aren’t considered PC by today’s standards as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But here’s something to understand during the time they were made a lot of that was meant to be funny without being mean spirited! They made fun of Hitler one year before Charlie Chaplin’s “The Great Dictator” in the short “You Natzy Spy” and there was a lot of people doing racist things towards Japanese during the time. Internment Camps were happening and seeing the Three Stooges play Japanese caricatures wasn’t meant in bad taste then. Now a day’s people would get nailed to the wall if they even thought about doing something like that. But that’s the brilliance of the shorts now! They were making fun of what would now be considered racially harmful and I think that they could get a laugh from someone from one of the major members of the NAACP. I think that maybe one of the best things to happen from one of the darkest parts of our world’s history. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But apparently The Three Stooges find themselves in danger of being arrested for running afoul of the law and gets away and the three find their old friend Teddy and drop in on him! Literally! That night Teddy shows his wife a photo he took of the three to… (Show Sofia Vergara’s character as a dramatic music sting plays before cutting to Robot Chicken’s M. Night Shaymalan shouts out “What A Twist!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After Moe rebukes the idea for them to ask Teddy’s adopted father for the cash and the three of them working off the cash by working for Teddy’s dad, they try something beyond normal levels of silly even by The Three Stooges levels. By making Farm Raised Salmon and I mean “Farm Raised” (Show the clip of the Three Stooges “Farm Raising” Salmon before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: But Why? Why is this film the one that somehow finds itself finding itself years after it had pretty much been dismissed by so many? Even by hardcore fans of The Three Stooges like myself? (Cut to posters of bad adaptations of movies from childhood memories as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With so many adaptations from stuff we enjoyed from our childhood why is it the one from The Three Stooges is the one that now finds itself humorous? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Those adaptations deserved better! THOSE OTHER ADAPTATIONS DESERVED BETTER! (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Sister Kimberly: What exactly are you saying? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I am saying from now on this movie and I are now… enemies! Because it is unjust, unfair, unkind! I shall block it! I swear it! I will hinder and harm that movie on earth as I am able! I WILL RUIN “The Three Stooges” (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Uh Schmendrick? Do you know that the people don’t exactly think it Kosher? I mean the Box Office proved that it didn’t work (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I am aware of the box office returns as well as the Critical destruction of the movie. (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Father Bulkmeier: Uh would it be possible if we could I don’t know take a breather and maybe get our bearings together? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: That is a good idea. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): When The Three Stooges are once again forced to shut down by the police the Three run for safety but after a dust up Larry and Curly decide to leave Moe and in an ironic twist a network exec hires Moe for a reality show! Ending the Second act. As the third act begins we see Larry and Curly barely make it on their own and discover that Moe is now a star on… That was a thing I never saw but sadly knew about! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I must’ve had some mixture that made me take a leave of my senses!  But it’s not like they just accept Moe as one of their own (Cut to the Cast of Jersey Shore complaining about Moe and the producer saying he doesn’t care and the cast of Jersey Shore being disgusted by it before cutting to James physically) Go home you Chowderheads! You’re drunk! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I clearly have not taken enough Crazy pills for me to be on the same plain of existence to be on as David Lynch and the world of Twin Peaks! Oh well, with Time Running out Larry and Curly discover why the Orphanage is being shut down. (Show Sister Mary-Mengele as she chews out Larry and Curly because the two of them and Moe caused the reason why Murph can’t get the healthcare she needs before cutting to later in the movie.)

Finally deciding to ask Teddy’s father to help, Mr. Harter tells Larry and Curly why Moe didn’t stay adopted by him and his wife.(Show clip of Mr. Harter telling Larry and Curly what happened and discovering Teddy, his wife and the guy The Three Stooges nearly massacred before cutting to later in the movie before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I’ll never fully get any answers that’ll make sense. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):The two eventually reunite with Moe and they decide to foil the Murder plot! After some funny slapstick and some NOT  It looks like they’re about to meet their makers when a mouse Curly had with him sends the car careening off the road. Curly’s flatulence and Larry’s Waterproof matches help blow them all out of the deathtrap and it’s there that they ask Teddy for the money to save the Orphanage (Show Teddy saying no and his reason why before cutting to the ending of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

As the three returns to the Orphanage which is now shut down the three laments how they loused it all up when… (Show the moment when they see a new Orphanage.) That’s right apparently the producer that hired Moe to be on Jersey Shore wants the three to torment the Nuns on a new reality show. Seeing how it is reality tv, I’m not surprised it hasn’t happened yet! Teddy adopts Murph, her friend Peezer and his brother who was abandoned by a foster family. Curly accidentally harms Sister Mary-Mengele and ride on mules into the sunset as the movie ends with Antonio Sabato Jr and Justin Lopez pretending to be The Farrelly Brothers telling about how the Three Stooges antics aren’t meant to be done. Meaning now I must use this clip. (Cut to the clip of The Joker shouting “If You Have To Explain The Joke, Then There IS NO JOKE! Before cutting to James Physically)

TLOTA: Except for the fact it is here! It’s here on “The Last Of The Americans” and you know what that means! Destruction! Destruction of the movie done by the destroyer of movies! James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): What passion! What Comedy he has been touched by the cinematic gods and Hollywood forced to listen! Hollywood decided that this be the movie that would find itself years after its failure when others like it deserved the same chance it never got.  But I for once be laughing AT them! Still, I must admit I kind of well… found it not as bad as I first thought and remembered.

I am not even kidding on this, while this isn’t a cinematic masterpiece, there are moments and things I found entertaining. Larry David was on in this movie in fact it’s one of his better roles and if you’re looking for something to pass an hour and a half then there’s nothing wrong with this. It’s a solid B-, C+ at best. But if you’re an avid Three Stooges fan then you may find this irritating and rightfully so. But it is not as bad as it makes itself out to be and it is with that I say begging for the Cinematic and internet Gods for forgiveness for saying that I think it’s worth a watch. (Cut to the Religious sect bowing down and waking up!)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Sorry Mensch but Oy vey can you talk a man’s head off! So, you found yourself liking “Three Amigos” or something like that? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Leave me! (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Sister Kimberly: Very well then.

TLOTA (Audio only): Oh, and tell the internet…. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: That I shall champion for the mediocre! (Cut to The Religious Sect as they back away from James with a concerned look on their faces as the rest of the team looks at the Religious sect)

Olivia Horvath: So, has James gone around the bend carrying a few deca-tons of crazy with hi,?

Father Bulkmeier: I think the question is, Was the man ever sane? (Cut to everyone looking as James says “Mediocre! You are all Mediocre! Everything is okay in my eyes!” and then maniacally chuckling from his office!)

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure: H2O: Just Add Water Season 3 Part 1

(Scene begins with Will being attacked relentlessly by the moon pool water as it's being activated as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci:I think Katara from "Avatar: The Last Airbender" is at a certain time of the month and is using her bending on the Moon Pool incognito actually I think she wouldn't have been as subtle. Probably blood bending this guy like a pretzel, otherwise I've got nothing or rather Welcome my friends "H2O: Just Add Water" Season 3

(Cut to Scenes from season three of "H2O: Just Add Water" as "No Ordinary Girl" is played  in the background before cutting Mako Island before it cuts to a scene of James in a lounge chair and the words "Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure" above James before cutting to black and then stills of certain things as James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): So yeah, it's been some time since I was here and there have been somethings I need to talk about. So let's get them out of the way. Yes, I am aware of the YouTube personality KiraKennedy and his Streamin' Reviews of the series "Mako Mermaids", I have been in contact with the man behind the reviews and to be honest I like his reviews. He and I have talked about our thoughts on the show. While I like him and his work and I appreciate his honesty on Mako Mermaids, I am still going to talk about Mako Mermaids this September with my own opinions and thoughts on that series. Yes, I am aware The Bureau Of Magical Things, however I am certain it is not connected to The Shiff-Verse of Mermaid shows. If it is and it somehow cleans up the mess of Mako Mermaids Season 3 then I will add it in Next summer and finally Yes I have been hearing stronger rumors of a reunion movie for both H2O: Just Add Water and Mako Mermaids that act as a crossover event between the two shows or another season of Mako Mermaids that acts as the bridge between both "H2O: Just Add Water" and "Mako Mermaids". Unless there is actual news, footage or a trailer or anything the rumors are just that, rumors and nothing more. 

(Cut to clips of the show and the season as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Also I want to thank everybody so far for being patient as I do this Summer Retrospective series. But for those who aren't as patient, let me take the time out from the retrospective of the third and final season of "H2O: Just Add Water" to address this one last time. The only set schedule for this Retrospective is the Summer Solstice which is June 21st to the Autumn Equinox which is September 21st. The Reviews will be done when they are done! Not one second before and not one hour less! In case you don't know I do things that keep me busy! Which includes taking care of my parents, fishing, I tend a summer vegetable garden, I've been trying to go out on a date and also I have to do my monthly workload of one review and one editorial and also setting up a lot of my work for the fall and winter and that includes my January through March stretch which serves as a season premiere of my reviews as "The Last Of The Americans", also I've been busy putting my backlog which was on and I've been putting it on and that takes time, especially since I've been doing "The Last Of The Americans" for over four years now as a reviewing personality. In addition people don't seem to know how much work goes into this Summer Retrospective Series. Here is the process. I watch the entire series! In the case of "H2O: Just Add Water" is 78 half hour episodes which I watched during the Winter of 2016-2017. I also had to take notes of all the plot points, storylines, Characters, etcetera and after I went through "H2O: Just Add Water", I repeated the process for "Mako Mermaids" which is 68 half hour episodes and then I watched both series again in case I missed something in my first viewing of the series and I go and try to find first hand information for any Behind The Scenes info that is pertinent to anything involving the series and finding that is as tedious as all get out. So when will the next chapter of "Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure" happen? In September and it'll be done, when it is done! I'm sorry if I'm coming across like I'm angry which I am not. I appreciate the fact that people want me to continue with this and I am doing everything under the sun, stars and the moon to get this Summer Retrospective done by the end of said season! It's not easy nor does it happen overnight! I said this before in the introduction before I talked about season one of  "H2O: Just Add Water". I am in uncharted waters, literally and figuratively. While I appreciate people telling me about things and what is filler and what is important to the story, that is something I have to handle myself. And again I beg you PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS! Everything will be watched, evaluated and be given a fair chance to either impress or disappoint me. Stop telling me what happens in the series! You are not helping, you are likely going to piss me off and let me tell you pissing off a 300 lb. Redneck Italian from Sullivan County New York IS NOT going to end well for you also I am trying to have fun while I watch and do this! Constantly saying what I just said detracts from this and it doesn't equal fun for me, it makes things a Chore and if this becomes a chore I will be disinclined to continue doing this until I feel that it is NOT a chore. Now that I've made it clear let's get into the final season of "H2O: Just Add Water" already.

As I said before, Season Two was meant to be the final season. However fans wanted another season despite the fact that the cast having gone their separate ways and the sets and props were probably either sold off or destroyed outright! But apparently Network Ten was willing to acquiesce to the fans and fund another full 26 episode season with one proviso, an assured spin-off to be made down the line. We'll talk about that spin-off in September.

The season itself begins with "The Awakening" It's Rikki and Cleo's senior year in High School and they're excited and yet saddened that Emma is gone on a trip around the world. The reason for that happening was sadly Emma's actress Claire Holt couldn't commit to a full season having gotten a role in an independent slasher flick, so the writers decided to write her out. We'll soon meet her replacement in this episode, also the Juice Bar they hung out in has closed down. Damn, that's a double dose of something sad involving the duo. But at the insistence of Zane, He and Rikki buy the Juice Bar and decide to Run it! Now I'm sure in Australia, there are certain legalities that'd allow the Bank to own the ground and part of the businesses built on said ground and I hope there are some legalities here in the States but I HIGHLY DOUBT A COUPLE OF TEENS CAN OWN A BUSINESS AND KEEP IT GOING AND STAY IN SCHOOL! Otherwise this is just freaking silly! But they get it going and hire a new singer to perform there Bella (Cut to a still of Kristen Stewart from "Twilight") NOT FUNNY! (Cut back to the Season Premiere of H2O: Just Add Water as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): No, This Bella actually has a personality and a surprise which we'll get into when it comes in this episode. She is one of the few new characters for this season including Will and his sister Sophie! While Rikki's new club has it's official opening night, Will finds the moon pool and in a moment of implausibility physically attacks Will and grabs Rikki from far away. Cleo tries to grab Rikki before the water which has become a tentacle drags her back to the Island but the two quickly are assisted by Bella, who happens to be a mermaid herself! (Cut to Robot Chicken's version of M. Night Shaymalan as he says "What A Twist!" before cutting back to the series as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Rikki and Cleo befriend Bella to avoid another Charlotte incident thank god for that idea and the three try to figure out what was the cause of the Moon Pool's sudden attack and why the water came for Rikki. "The Awakening" was a good start for the storyline of the season, it introduces a new conflict, introduces the new characters quickly and is a good way to set the new Status Quo.  In the next episode Lewis and Cleo decide to investigate why the water in Moon Pool did what it did until Lewis' departure later on this season. After some filler episodes we finally get into Bella's backstory in "Revealed" Will discovers a connection between Mako Island, Bella and the Moon Pool. We also discover how Bella got her tail and her powers which is to Gelatinize Water. Apparently Bella found another Moon Pool in Ireland when she was a kid and after a while Bella thought for her that being a mermaid was normal. The season comes to a twist in the episode "To Have And To Hold Back". Cleo's father found love again in a marine licensing inspector and decided to get married much to the Chagrin of Cleo's little sister. Meanwhile Lewis gets approved to go to a Research Center in America. Kim nearly ruins the wedding but Cleo thankfully tells her sister it's what their dad wants so they have to abide and that the two still have their father. Meanwhile Bella, Rikki and Cleo decide the happy couple should have their Wedding on Mako Island and after much discussion Cleo says to Lewis to go to America and with that we say goodbye to Lewis for the rest of the season. While we don't see any of the usual tropes of the happy couple forced to say goodbye to one another, you can tell at times after this episode that Cleo's thoughts are on Lewis and it is sad that we won't see him again until the final episode. (Fade to Black)

To Be Concluded in Part 2

Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure: H2O: Just Add Water Season 3 Part 2

(Cut to clips of "H2O: Just Add Water" season 3 as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): In the follow up episode "Mermaid Magic" Cleo discovers a crystal similar to the one Bella has in the Moon pool which has her thinking "Could this be the source of what is happening to the Moon Pool?" also these Crystals seem to have a magnetic resonance. A few episodes later in "A Magnetic Attraction" Cleo gives the crystal to Ryan an Geophysicist thinking he could be of some help seeing as how Lewis is in America. The next development in the storyline involving What's going on in the Moon Pool is in the episode "Mako Masters" The three mermaids decide to get to the Moon Pool and place their crystals into the wall which shows a projection of a comet coming. However Will and Zane interrupt causing the three to lose the projection and to wonder whether or not they saw an image of the past and how the Moon Pool was created or what would happen in the future if they failed.

The storyline comes to a climax in "A Date With Destiny" The three finally are able to simulate a full moon to see the projection in full. A Comet is coming and is drawn by the Moon Pool's magnetic crystals. If the three can harness the power of the Pool in hopes of reversing the Comet's trajectory away from the Earth they can save the day. The storyline and the series comes to a close in the episode "Graduation". After Zane, Sophie and Ryan blew a chunk out of the walls of the Moon Pool to harvest the crystals, the three mermaids realize the power of the pool is not enough to stop the comet! With all hope lost, Bella, Cleo and Rikki decide to try combining their powers with what little of the powers of the Moon Pool is left will hopefully do what they need to do to save the day. (Cut to the clip of the three going in and combining their powers and being able to divert the comet as "Fatal Fight" by Shockwave-Sound plays in the background and the comet is diverted before cutting to the ending of the episode and James doing a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): With the Comet missing the Moon Pool and subsequently saving the Earth, the Girls Celebrate graduating School in the Juice Bar and Lewis has come home for good reuniting with Cleo. (Show ending before fading to black and then to clips of the season as James does a voiceover.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Season 3 was the most well written season of the show and yet somehow this season feels like the season everyone were flying by the seat of their pants the most as well. I know they had to put something together because the writers and producers weren't expecting a third season but we got a great story for the season. So when they got a third season they had no clue what to do and with Claire Holt not being able to be a part of production they needed to write something in at the last moment. Which means it's time once again for....

(Cut to a black background and the words "HOW I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT!" in neon as James' voice echoes those words before hearing stock Game Show Music as clips of the season play in the background and James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): In the season opener as Rikki and Cleo are doing what they are doing in the season opener, The Guardian finds himself in a meditative state waiting for someone to arrive at the Moon Pool and she does. Veridia the head of The pod at Mako Island and she comes with The Ring The Guardian gave to Charlotte at the end of season two, while they remain somewhat friendly The Guardian and Veridia aren't on good terms even to the point where Rikki and Cleo believes that Emma is on vacation with her parents "Officially". The Guardian knows Veridia found Emma and inducted her into the Pod against the orders The Guardian had been given when it came to rogue mermaids joining the Pod. Meanwhile Veridia admits to The Guardian that someone who had been a part of the Pod would be planted and the other two would not know until after it was too late. That is where Bella would be introduced, she knows much of the human world except how to behave like a human. The Guardian would eventually claim Bella as his niece in Public and tell Rikki & Cleo in private that Bella is in fact a natural born mermaid. Rikki & Cleo are shocked by the fact that there are Natural Born Mermaids and that Emma's Vacation is a fabrication but even more shocking is when they meet Veridia who's first instinct towards Rikki and Cleo is to nearly kills the two attacking them with the Moon Pool's Power while invisible but The Guardian would save and vouch for the two and Veridia tells them what is going to happen and warns if the two fail everything the pod would have bestowed to the two would be stripped from them and the world would be destroyed succeed and they would be given a chance to join the pod and become full mermaids and The Guardian is prohibited from influencing their decision! Bella would also have to prove herself worthy of the pod as she is casted out until then.

So Bella now has to learn about humanity from Rikki, Cleo and The Guardian while Bella tells Rikki and Cleo what it's like being a full fledged mermaid and a part of the pod. Bella discovers quickly that being around humans is hard. Especially when she meets Will. Meanwhile Zane purchase the Juice Bar and names it after Rikki and it thrives meanwhile Lewis tells Cleo about being up for joining a research team in the states and while his decision is left until the finale he would be seen less and less.  By the mid-season the water attacks again and The Guardian makes contact with Veridia and the three question her if she was the reason the water was attacking them, Veridia tells them that the water attacking them is part of something someone else did. Telling very little saying that some close to three are hurting the pool. Incensed by the accusation Bella tells Veridia who happens to be Bella's mother that she is wrong about all humans because from the few she has seen they appear to be help trying to figure out how they can heal the waters and even figure out why the Moon Pool has been attacking as of late. Veridia believes The Guardian when he says to her that Bella has been seeing how humans have been like since the pod was here centuries ago! Apparently in this universe, for every year a human ages a mermaid ages 1000 times slower but only after they reach full maturity! That's right Mermaids are essentially immortal and they could live forever unless hurt so badly their physical form is reduced to sea foam and their spirit joins something called "The Immortal Sea"!

Eventually Rikki discovers Zane, Sophie and Ryan have secretly harvested crystals from Mako and selling it for a profit. The Second to last episode would have Rikki and Cleo graduate from Human schooling but the challenge would still stand until the three go to the pool and are able to simulate the Full Moon and see a projection of Zane and the others nearly destroying the moon pool and causing a comet to destroy the earth. In the Finale The three succeed in stopping Zane and the others but the pool is weakened, the plan now hinges on the three being able to be strong enough to use the powers they have to stop the comet themselves, they succeed and afterwards Veridia returns and now gives them the offer once again. And after Rikki ends things with Zane for good and Cleo tells Lewis to go to America and move on with his life. The two finally deciding that for as much as they enjoyed being humans, it was now time to enjoy their lives in the pod. The Guardian and Veridia now on friendly terms proceed in the ceremonies to have the two join the pod including The Guardian handing Rikki and Cleo the same ring he gave to Charlotte in the last season. While they remember being humans, they find themselves now at peace as Mermaids. The Guardian disappears as the pod surround the island.  Ending H2O and setting up the spin-off. But we'll get to that next time on...

(Cut to a black background and the words "HOW I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT!" in neon as James' voice echoes those words before cutting back to clips of the season three as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Overall I found the series enjoyable for the most part. A few episodes that made my head hurt and there were plenty of good episodes with real morals and the characters were relative and grew in ways I found enjoyable but I feel if I'm going to talk about the characters I'll go from the least to the most developed since I talked about Emma, Charlotte & Ash when I was recapping the previous season. Check out what I thought about them there. Sadly the least developed as far as secondary characters go had to be Sophie in this season, While at times she was the antagonist when the plot needed her to be one though at times it did look like she was going to be a decent person she just never achieved either the villainous persona she needed or the spark to be a better person.

Zane on the other hand started off as a flat out egotistical Jack-Ass and was unabashedly enjoying being that but as the first season went on we saw slowly but surely show more sparks of being a better man and as the series progressed he became more and more decent and when he came up with the idea of reviving the Juice Bar and name it after Rikki, it wasn't done because he was being a jerk, rather he did it because he genuinely felt love for Rikki even with their constant break-ups and make-ups in the relationship they had but even though.

Lewis had the most development thanks in part to Zane's jack-ass like actions in the second episode of the series while he did serve to try and learn why and how the original three became mermaids and helped out with special treatments and what have you not, the fact he was scientifically minded meant he was using logic and reasoning to help as best as he could and while like Rikki and Zane's relationship his relationship with Cleo was Bi-Polar at best, but by coming back for the finale for her meant at least he cared more for her than anyone else.

And now for our heroines and once again I ask that you look at my second part of me talking about this series if you want to know my thoughts on Emma and or Charlotte and again I'm going by least to most development and sadly Bella was the least developed partly due in fact that she was no more than a last minute replacement for Emma. But the fact she had a love interest and we do get her backstory in an early episode in this season but in all honesty she really didn't get much to do except be there until the finale when she, Rikki and Cleo stopped the comet and subsequently saved the Earth from the comet.

Rikki got the second most character development. She started out as the outsider being the new girl in town. While she got along well with Emma, Cleo and Bella and embraced her mermaid self the quickest she usually found herself in Mary Sue territory and that's not a bad thing nor is it good it meant for as much development she did get, she would also find herself getting the closest in trouble she thankfully learned and grew when it came to being a decent person, mind you she would appear in the final two episodes of "Mako Mermaids" and tell everything that happened to herself, Cleo, Bella and Emma since the Finale of this series to the mermaids of Mako Island and will cause me to have a rant which I'll get to when we get there but for now it seemed she was able to be a great character.

And Now we come to Cleo and Hoooooooo Boy did her development make the most violent roller coaster trip look like a cake walk. It took her until the third episode of the series before she even accepted the fact she was a mermaid and after that she had a lot to deal with. She had the on and off again relationship with Lewis throughout the series then of course came all the stuff she pulled in Season 2 with Charlotte and her own actions in that season. While she did mellow out by the third season somewhat, I mean yeah she still pulled out the whopper now and then, she had to do some real big things when it came to reigning in her sister. Especially when it came to their father and his love life. Her dad was divorced by the start of the second season and though Cleo tried to change things to her way, she had to realize ultimately she couldn't change things to her specifications.  She had to accept things that weren't under her control. So when her dad remarried, she accepted that this woman is what made her father happy and if that was the case so be it. Though it may have been one of the reasons her relationship with Lewis was about as rocky as it was.

James Faraci (Voiceover): While the series did have it's ups and downs I found it fine fare for all ages and if you want to get it, it is available on DVD through Amazon or you can check out streaming services like Hulu or Netflix, which is where the show became the most popular even though Nickelodeon and it's spin-off network TeenNick aired here in the states. But with this series streaming on Netflix it is where I was able to see the series in full as well as it's spin-off or sister series which we will get into next time as we swim to Mako Island again and deal with the Mermaids. (Fade to black before cutting to a clip of the three and one of the guys hanging out in an inflatable floater ring in the moon pool.)