(“O Canada” by Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp play James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in his Halloween gear as he lands in Canada and grabs a Mountie Hat and begins to ride a Moose while holding the Canadian Flag through the Canadian Wilderness, running past Phelous and Allison Pregler, grabbing some Poutine and some Canadian Maple Syrup, enjoying Pemmican with a touton and as he rides off, the poster for the movies “Tusk” and “Yoga Hosers” is seen zooming past the screen after being held for five seconds. Cut to James on his moose coming alongside Bret “Hitman” Hart, Kevin Smith, and Jay Mewes, and they shake hands as they continue their run, and they ride off into the Canadian Sunrise as the Canadian flag rises and the words “Monstertober” is over the top of the Canadian Flag and on the bottom are the words “In Canada!” “Eh!” Cut to James in the Lobby as James does some DDP Yoga.)
TLOTA:
Oh yeah, that gets the stiffness out of me! (James finishes up the Yoga Workout only to see everyone in shock.) What? (Cut to the team)
Nick Lopez:
What in the name of all that is decent was that?! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
DDP Yoga it's a yoga-based cardio calisthenics that helps get blood flowing through my body and keeps me flexible; I’m not as young as I once was. (Cut to the team)
Jessica Lopez-Barkl:
Yeah, but do you have to dress like that? (Cut to James in his workout clothing)
TLOTA:
What? I don’t wear my usual clothes when I work out. Besides, it gets me prepared for what I have to review next! (Cut to the title card of “Yoga Hosers,” then to clips of “Yoga Hosers” as “O, Canada” by Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp plays in the foreground while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 2016 as a semi-sequel/semi-spin-off, “Yoga Hosers” explores what it’s like to be a current-generation person while dealing with, of all things, 1ft Bratwurst German soldiers in, of all places, CANADA! Now some people have called this movie one of Kevin’s worst films, but is that really the case? Well, today we’ll find out. (Cut to James physically as he finishes putting on his Halloween shirt.)
TLOTA:
Let’s end “Monstertober in Canada” with “Yoga Hosers.” (Cut to “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens at the “Eh-2-Zed" as we catch up with the Colleens, played by Lily-Rose Depp, and Kevin’s daughter, Harley Quinn, as they use the back room of the Convenience Store for rehearsals for their band... “Glamthrax.” Canada, people! Oh, and their drummer? A Thirty-Five-year-old GROWN ASS MAN NAMED Ichabod, played by Adam Brody, helps them out on drums, and I should let you know that the Colleens are teens. If someone even looked at my teen niece and my three great-nieces at that age who isn’t family, I’d toss the guy in a woodchipper ass first just to hear the screams of agony as they die painfully. Anyway, we see the two, for as much as they love singing/rapping like they're on their phone and taking photos of Ichabod, also trying to be cool, especially when it comes to helping out in “TUSK”. Even though they are supposed to be working at the counter at the Eh-2-Zed! They do say they’re sorry aboot the wait. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
That’s not even a joke I came up with; they do say that! (Cut to the two saying “Sorry Aboot That” to all the customers. Cut to James physically.) I didn’t just make that joke up; it happened! (Cut to “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We see Ichabod being seen by someone German. We then see the Colleens man the store, as it were, as he interacts with the customers. As I watched this, it had me thinking about one thing in particular. That this was so reminiscent of “Clerks.” Now, a lot of you are saying, “Well, the characters in “Clerks” were there all day at the Quick Stop dealing with stupid customers.” Now, that is true; the difference here is that this is a part-time job, and they’re still high school students. For Dante and Randal, The Quick Stop was literally their limbo; they can not escape! (Cut to James physically) Unless... You know what, I’ll wait to tell you what it is I think they could’ve done in this movie. In the meanwhile, ELVIS PRESLEY HIMSELF, AUSTIN BUTLER, AND TYLER POSEY FROM THE MTV SERIES “TEEN WOLF” ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO THE STORE TO INVITE THE COLLEENS TO A SENIORS-ONLY PARTY! (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Canada, People! (Cut to “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We then find one of the customers gets a surprise sneak attack by having something go into the anus. We then find the Colleens at Colleen M’s (Harley Quinn Smith) mom’s workplace, The Gimli Slider, where Colleen M’s mom, played by Jennifer Schwalback-Smith, AKA Harley’s actual mom, forbids her daughter from going to the party unless she sees the Colleens packing knives to bobbittize someone! We then see the two... doing Yoga! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
It is called “Yoga Hosers,” So it should happen! (Cut to “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We see their Yogi named Bayer. Get it, Yogi Bayer/Yogi Bear! I got the reference! Well, apparently, this Yogi says that there is someone slaughtering people, which is something you should not be talking about in a place about Spirituality mixed with calisthenics, and he is in legal hot water over his name. After that moment, the Colleens hang out at Colleen C.’s (Lily-Rose Depp) place, and the two have to deal with Colleen C.’s dad, played by Tony Hale, as he and his girlfriend Tabitha, played by Natasha Lyonne, plan to head on out to Niagara Falls! (Cut to James physically as he steps outside of the studio as the team says in unison, “NIAGARA FALLS!” The Team then turn and say in unison, “Slowly we turn! Step by Step! Inch By Inch! And James promptly closes the door before they can attack. Cut to “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Anyway, the two don’t want to miss the party if they have to work on Friday. So, what to do? Break out the Styx! (Show the moment the two sing “Babe” by Styx. Cut to Todd In The Shadows.)
Todd In The Shadows:
Yeah, because NOTHING kills the mood faster than Styx! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Todd! Piss Off! (Cut to a confused Todd In The Shadows)
Todd In The Shadows:
Wait What? Are you telling me to leave? I thought we’d have more of a conversation? Don’t tell me that you like Styx! What is wrong with you? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
I don’t give two hoots about Styx, and I don't give a damn about you and your old associates! (Cut to Todd In The Shadows)
Todd In The Shadows:
Wait, something is off. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
And that would be you, off my frequency and never call me here again! (Todd In The Shadows says “Now wait a seco...” as static cuts Todd and it cuts to “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As I was about to say, the Colleens go to school the next day; their gym coach reads them the riot act, takes away their phones, and they learn that the N--i party was in Canada and was led by a cast-out of said party named Adrien Arcand and his right-hand man, Andronicus, who had Canada almost in the grip of the N—is. When Adrien got caught, Andronicus escaped, and the teacher telling them this is played by Lily-Rose's mom, Vanessa Paradis. This is a plot point for the movie. While the two can’t get out of their shift on Friday, and after insulting Kevin Conroy in one of his last live-action roles and his ward, named “Robin.” The Colleens come up with the idea of moving the party to the “Eh-2-Zed.” The two get Hunter and Gordon to come; apparently, the two have plans for the Colleens, which include SACRIFICING THE TWO TO SATAN! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Oh Deadpool! (Cut to the clip from “Deadpool” as Deadpool says “CANADA!” Cut to “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
However, Hunter and Gordon’s plans go up in smoke when we see Colleen M carrying a knife and threatening Hunter, and well... this happens! (Cut to the Bratwurst N—i as it emerges from Hunter’s dead body, then one of them comes out of Gordon. Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Yeah, Bratwurst N—is, ONE-FOOT-TALL Bratwurst N—is! CANADA, PEOPLE! (Cut to “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah, after that, the two try to contact the authorities, but Stan Lee won’t send them help after hearing the story. The two connect with Yoga moves; we see the two have to take on a squad of these Bratwurst N—is, and since the same person who made “CLERKS” made this movie, it wouldn’t be a movie about “Clerks” from Canada if this line didn’t make it into this movie. (Cut to Colleen M as she says, “I’M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!” then the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The two are immediately arrested after what has happened; however, Guy LaPointe, once again played by Lily-Rose's dad, Johnny Depp, talked to the two earlier about one of their customers and how that person was killed horribly the same way Gordon and Hunter were killed. Believing their story, Guy gets them out to prove their innocence by getting them back to the Eh-2-Zed. The three are knocked out and taken to an underground lair, where they meet the Bratwurst N—is leader, Andronicus Arcane, played by Ralph Garman, and he tells them his plans for Canada. (Cut to Andronicus Arcane’s backstory and plans. Cut to James physically as an image of Jay comes out of his right ear, and an image of Silent Bob comes out of his left ear, and they spring out saying “CUCKOO! CUCKOO! If this is sane, then you are CUCKOO!” then return to James’ head. Cut to “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So, in case you may have lost your sanity, Andronicus mixed his DNA into Bratwurst and Sauerkraut to create what he had hoped was for six-foot-tall Bratwurst N—i soldiers after 100 years' worth of incubation, and Andronicus put himself into cryogenic suspension to wait out the incubation to lead them into taking over Canada and the United States. But due to a power outage he awoke in our world, saw his party had bit the dust, decided to pivot because the incubation rendered the Bratwurst N—is to be a foot tall, then decided to kill all the critics because they didn’t like his artwork, and then created A GOALIE GOLEM for the Bratwurst N—is to pilot! (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
CANADA, PEOPLE! (Cut to “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The Bratwurst N—is kill Andronicus in the Goalie Golem, and then the Colleens, after being released, combine their Yoga Poses and then stop the Goalie Golem, clear their names, and the movie ends with the two going on with their lives at the “Eh-2-Zed" by playing the Canadian National Anthem! (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
And that was “Yoga Hosers.” I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. CANADA, PEOPLE! (Cut to clips of “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I am going to say that the acting is better than people said it was. The practical and special effects are amazing. The story, while taking weird turns left and right, was well paced. I found the characters entertaining; the comedy was hilariously incredible; the horror aspect was underwhelming but not bad. If anything, it needed something else. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And I think I know what it needed: two names- Dante Hicks, played by Brian O’Halloran, and Randal Graves, played by Jeff Anderson. (Cut to stills of Dante and Randal as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And as much as this is meant to be a standalone universe outside of the View Askewniverse. Bringing in Dante and Randal to help the Colleens in this matter and tell them what it’s like. For Dante and Randal, the convenience experience is all they’ve known. They could also warn the Colleens about what could happen if they spent the rest of their lives there. Okay, I will grant that Dante and Randal would think that the Bratwurst N—is and the Canadian N—is stuff beyond their scope, and the Yoga stuff I’m sure Randal would call stupid stuff with plenty of slurs against the LGBTQIA+ and every other community in the world, and Dante would have to deal with all the fallout from everything in the story. I think the two would be glad to be back in New Jersey at the Quick Stop the second everything ended in the movie. (Cut to clips of “Yoga Hosers” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And even if they were or weren’t involved, it didn’t matter, because this turned into Kevin Smith’s worst movie, which I disagree with. But this is what made Kevin return to the View Askewniverse. If someone were to ask, I'd say give it a try; it might be worth it for the charm, and if you liked it, good. For me, it is worth a rental if you’re bored and want something fun to watch; then it gets the gold Canadian Maple Leaf Namaste award. (Cut to James and his team.)
TLOTA:
So, “Monstertober in Canada” is over, and now we return to American Icons in November with another Top Ten centered around Thanksgiving, a tribute to Rifftrax and... (The outside door opens as Todd In The Shadows stands in the frame pissed off.)
Todd In The Shadows:
Okay, James, now we talk. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
No, we won’t! I’m done with you, your friends, and everyone else in our business who doesn’t give a damn about me personally or professionally! (Cut to Todd In The Shadows)
Todd In The Shadows:
Is there something wrong? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Yeah, I am tired of begging, pleading, and getting nothing but noes from everyone! I am tired of being stepped on by assholes like the ones from “Life As A Mermaid,” especially when I was trying to keep them together, one last time! I have had enough! (Cut to Todd In The Shadows)
Todd In The Shadows:
If you keep acting like this, it will be like going over Niagara Falls on a one-inch 2x4! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
You shouldn’t have said that, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion. (Cut to James and The Team as they say in unison, “NIAGARA FALLS!” Cut to Todd In The Shadows as he steps outside with the door open as James and the team say in unison, “Slowly we turn! Step By Step! Inch By Inch!” Todd In The Shadows runs as James and his team run after him. The scene fades to black, then cuts to the ending of a Three Stooges Short. Fade To Black.)
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