Saturday, June 29, 2019

Fighting "Gladiators"

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours.
If my attire and my intro hasn't it made it clear, I enjoyed the series "American Gladiators". (Cut to clips of the original "American Gladiators" series and original "American Gladiators" theme song is playing as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
American Gladiators was a game show that ran for several seasons with Mike Adamle and a few different co-hosts including Joe Theismann, Todd Christensen, Lisa Malosky, even former American Gladiator Dan "Nitro" Clark. But the longest partnership and the one pairing that was the longest and the one that worked the best in my mind was the one with former Miami Dolphin Larry Csonka. The series was a competition tournament featuring male and female Weekend Warriors taking on larger than life muscle men and women with names like "Gemini", "Lace", "Zap", "Blaze", "Turbo", "Tower", "Laser", "Gold", "Sabre" & "Diamond" just to name a few of the Gladiators in grueling challenges and the best of the winners and the few of highest scoring competitors in the losing bracket were brought back in a tournament to see who would be "American Gladiators" Champion. However by the mid 1990's people's tastes in Weekend Warrior competition was changing and the series was starting to suffer from the effects of trying to keep up with the times and by 1996 the series was on it's last legs but the people in charge of the show thought of a way to revive interest. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was to make a spin off for the kiddies, which featured The Gladiators in more of a coaching position and educational capacity and putting a ton more educational material as well as modifying the courses from the parent show. (James looks around) Wait... whut? (Cut to the opening of "Gladiators 2000" then clips to the few available clips of "Gladiators 2000" on YouTube as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"Gladiators 2000" was the short lived attempt to make American Gladiators more kid friendly so that the parent groups would stop writing letters about how American Gladiators was getting to be as bad as WCW or the WWF (As it was called at the time before it became the WWE) was starting to become and it showed what happens when parent groups get their way. But is it as bad as say an American Gladiators Workout video or is it as awesome as the Eliminator run as Joe Mauro and Mark Ortega? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's find out together as we check out "Gladiators 2000" (Cut to the available clips of the show on YouTube as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The series starts off with the same mantra play in the opening credits of "Work Hard, Play Hard, Healthy Body, Healthy Mind, Face The Future, Fear no Challenge, I strive to be the best that I can be" even though the theme song changed for season 2 the mantra remained the same. After the opening credits we're introduced to the hosts of the series. Maria Sansone in season one who'd be replaced by Valarie Rae Miller in season 2 and Ryan Seacrest.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Ryan Seacrest... Why does that name sound familiar? (Cut to clips of "American Idol",  "Ryan Seacrest presents Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve", "Live with Kelly & Ryan", Ryan Seacrest's time as an correspondent for "E!" and "Keeping Up With The Kardashians before James pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels then cutting back to the available clips of the show on YouTube as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yeah, this was one of Ryan's first big gigs as a host and it showed. He hadn't fully developed the persona he would be known for in his later works but you can see it was there. The Games they had were the Wall, The Assault, The Pyramid or in the case of this series the "Food Pyramid" and Swingshot. However the game play was bogged down with moments with educational material which the hosts and the Gladiators themselves and slowing down the pacing of an episode even further would be a Bonus question that while earning points that would help them out in the end event a modified "Eliminator" which even got bogged down with educational material and to the creators credit they made The Eliminator course a little less impossible because on the main series, they had to climb up a Versaclimber, go down a slide for life, go across the Handbike, go across two spinning cylinders which was replaced in the final season of both shows with a ball pit, Climbing up a cargo net, going down a zip line over a plexiglass barrier, running up a treadmill then hanging on for dear life as they broke through a paper barrier. The Kids had to climb up a ladder, go down the slide, go across rings in season one and in season two walk across a balance beam then it was at the cylindrical challenge/ ball pit challenge in season two and in which the momentum was bogged down with an educational question, then came the fact they had to go to a question room tagging off to their partner to which then came a row of landing pad hurdles, Answering another question before going over the plexiglass wall going up the treadmill and having to answer yet ANOTHER educational question and apparently the team with the fastest time and most questions answered correctly including the points accumulated in the challenges before then and you and your team wins! (A loud explosion is heard as the footage is destroyed by how bogged down it becomes before James comes rushing in with a fire extinguisher as he stops the fire instantly) 

TLOTA:
Phew, can't afford to lose what little footage of the series there is out there.
(Cut to the available clips of the show on YouTube as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Also present during both seasons was the fact that the hosts explain the events to the point of the events being over explained. I'm not kidding, they over explain The Wall, The Assault and not even the eliminator is spared. (Show the clips of the hosts over explaining the event in both seasons before cutting to clips of the second season of "Gladiators 2000" available on YouTube as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
By the second season not only did Valarie Rae Miller replace Maria, they also cut down the number of Gladiator coaches down from two to one and added in more quote unquote sketches in which the Gladiators were not only educational but also try to show off their thespian skills and the hosts weren't immune. (Show clip of Hawk as his Well read but insane Phobia spewing character, Sabre playing a mad scientist in a science fact sketch, Valerie and Ryan talking about a science thing and a geographical explanation on Rhode Island before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well while I was watching those I found out that one of the Gladiators from the first half season Malibu went on to work with Sabre from the later seasons of the series in a movie together. Though I discovered the movie was "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation". Why that tidbit of information? Thought you'd like something more interesting than the sketches.
(Cut to the available clips of the show on YouTube as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I think by this point everyone involved with this series and the main series knew that both were coming to an end and both met the final competitors and named their champions and were retired with the little bit of Dignity and Grace they had. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So with what little footage I could get was the show actually good? (Cut to the few available clips of "Gladiators 2000" on YouTube as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I will say that while it is not as good as the original series, I don't think it's entirely without merit. This did serve to show the Gladiators in a more unique light other than what the main show was doing with them. The Gladiators themselves seemed to have fun in the show. The games weren't totally unwatchable though honestly it felt less like a knock off of "American Gladiators" and it felt more like a knock off of "Nickelodeon's Guts" which was meant to be a kid friendly version of "American Gladiators" minus the Gladiators. If you can find the show, then congrats are in order because watching what little of "Gladiators 2000"  I could find, I could tell that this was one competition show that got that rightly eliminated just before it could finish the competition. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and for the last time in this place, That's my opinion! (Cut to James as he shuts off the camera, packing up the last little bits and pieces here and there as James writes a letter and "Deliberate Thought" by Kevin Macleod plays in the Foreground)

TLOTA (Voiceover):"This was written on the final day of this studio under my ownership. This studio and it's history will shortly become the care of another crew of people. To you and your posterity you will commit your future to this place. Make it less of a building, make it a place you can call a second home. A place where you and your friends can come together and have fun. Make it a place where you can feel good about yourself and everyone around you can feel as good. Make it fun for you. Throw parties and overall make it a place where the future is awesome not only for yourselves but for everyone. Signed, The Former Owner, James Benjamin Faraci, The Last Of The Americans" (As the music ends, James places the note on a desk. James grabs ORAC and the last tote full of stuff from the Studio. James looks around one last time, sighs and walks into the Space Time device and as the Space Time Device takes off the camera cuts to James' old Personal/Work Office to see the desk with the letter on it fall apart one last time before fading to black before cutting to James in his living room)

James Faraci:
Hey everyone, James here just doing clarification, First off, I am NOT shutting down production of "The Last Of The Americans" not by a long shot, I am moving the character to a new studio. Secondly,  I am NOT leaving Manic Expression though trust me, I almost didn't make it due to personal issues but I got it done by the skin of my teeth and I could feel the Axe hanging over my head and it scared the living daylights out of me. And now on to the bigger business, My brother Rob he needs the money from everyone who can help. He Still is not better, it's going possibly up to a year at the outside before he's 95% better. His family on the other hand needs the cash from the GoFundMe NOW! Click on the link and donate.




Sunday, June 23, 2019

"Aladdin" and The Six Year Stretch!

(Scene starts in the shadows of flames as soundalike of “Arabian Nights” plays in the foreground and the smoke spells out “The Last Of The Americans’ Sixth Anniversary Special” before it disappears then spells “Aladdin” before the sands blow over and it cuts to a dessert as a man on a camel travels from left to right)

The Man on the Camel (Singing):
Oh I come to a land to a faraway place where crazy happens every hour of more! Where enchantment runs wild and the magic is free, it’s not normal but hey it’s home! When the winds of the east and the sun is in the west and sand in glass is right, come on down stop on by hop on a horse and come by to an amazing Arabian night! Arabian Niiiiiights, like Arabian daaaaays are more often than not so hotter than hot in so many ways! Arabian Niiiiiiights like Arabian Moons, the fool off his guard can fall off so hard and be one with the dunes! (The Man on the Camel played by Chris Lee Moore comes off)

The Man on The Camel (Played by Chris Lee Moore):
Ah Salaam and welcome please come close! (The Camera comes mere fractions of an inch before stopping) Good point to stop there. Welcome to Aragrabah! City of mystery, of enchantment and the finest wares to be on sale this side of the Dead Sea on sale right now! Combination Hookah and Coffee maker and cannot break (The Man On The Camel taps it with his hand and it breaks on impact.) Well I’ll be a flaming goats’ patoot, It broke! (The Camera walks away.) Wait don’t go! I was hoping to wait until I was desperate, but this lamp and this key may look common but these two changed the lives of so many including a hero who thinks he is not! This tale begins on a dark night where a dark man waits in the desert with a dark purpose. (Sands raises up as grains of sand turn into stars in the dark night as we see a man hidden in shadows as another rides on a horse to see the man in the shadows as the other man walks up)

The Man in the shadows (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
You are late! (Cut to the other man played by Mike Santos)

The Other Man (Played by Mike Santos):
A Million apologies my impatient boss, it took me a while, but I have found the key! Now my price! (A colorful swoop grabs the key from the other man and gives it to The Man In The Shadows.)

The Man in The Shadows (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
You will be paid handsomely if this works. (The Man in The Shadows turns the key and it zooms through the night sky and it stops in a sand dune as it rises revealing a cave as the camera pulls back to see The Man in the Shadows, his bird and The Other Man)

The Man in The Shadows (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
At last after a lifetime and a half of searching, The Cave of Amazement! Remember, everything else is yours. The Lamp is mine! (The Other man walks up to the cave and it swallows him up as the voice of the cave says, “SEEK THEE OUT THE HERO WHO THINKS HE IS NOT!” and the key clocks him in the head.) So, it appears he was not worthy, I must find the one the cave deems worthy this “Hero Who Thinks He Is Not!” (Cut to a middle eastern town as a unique looking box appears before cutting to an interior shot of a unique machine as James mess with controls.)

TLOTA:
Hey Alex, thanks for helping me out with the refit on the interior and exterior of this thing. I didn’t want everyone to mistake this for a TARDIS again.

Julia Alexa Miller (Off-Screen):
Well according to the readout on the monitor we’re in the city of Aragrabah, sounds familiar. (Cut to James as he puts on a Fez)

TLOTA:
Of course it’s familiar, it’s in the Middle East near I think The Moroccan Boarder hence why I’m wearing Fez. Not just because I’d blend in more but also Fezzes Are Cool!

 (Julia Alexa Miller says “No James they’re not” off-screen before cutting to see Julia Alexa Miller dressed Arabic harem attire then cutting to James as he looks at her with a romantic look on his face as the sound of a thud is heard) 

TLOTA:
What in the name of Scott Weinger’s Career was that? (The sound of multiple thuds is heard as it cuts to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Never mind that thud, what was that? 

TLOTA:
Let’s find out. (The two step out of the space time device to see someone with a loaf of bread parkour over the city as a group of guards run towards James & Julia Alexa Miller)

The Captain of the guards (Played by Nick Yaun):
Pardon us but have you seen a street rat with a stolen loaf of bread? (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller saying, “He went that way!” pointing in different directions as the guards go in the different directions.)

TLOTA:
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Julia Alexa Miller:
That we somehow landed at the right city in the middle of something familiar?

TLOTA:
Just good timing on our part.  (Cut to the Trailer title clip of the 2019 Disney Live Action “Aladdin” movie before cutting to stills of the 2019 “Aladdin” Movie and the 1992 animated “Aladdin” movie as James does a voiceover and the instrumental version of “One Jump Ahead” is played in the background)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The classic tale of not letting what your status defines where you’ll be in for the rest of your life. The 1992 Disney Animated Classic “Aladdin” remains one of my favorite movies. So, when I heard that there was a live action movie coming out this year, my initial reaction was lukewarm at best. Even with The Fresh Prince Himself Will Smith being casted as the Genie didn’t exactly set my mind on fire as to what it’d be like. Call me a snob for saying this but the Animated Classic should’ve been left well enough alone.  But if there is anything to the new movie, I’ll talk about it along the way.
 (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller just in time to meet a man dressed like Aladdin played by Paulo Fonseca)

“Aladdin” look alike (Played by Paulo Fonseca):
Greetings, my name is Jaladdin and this is my monkey Sahu!

TLOTA:
Hi there, I’m James and she’s Alex.

Jaladdin (Played by Paulo Fonseca):
Well such strange names but I’m glad to see you.

TLOTA:
You know we need a guide throughout the city, how would you like the job? (Sounds of horns and other instruments are heard as they head out to the road to see a suitor riding to the palace as kids run into the street and James follows before the whip is unleashed James punches the Horse so hard The suitor feels it before cutting to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Ooh, PETA be damned! (Cut to the suitor played by John Ross Santos)

The Suitor (Played by John Ross Santos):
You’ll learn your lesson you whelp! (Jaladdin steps in and takes the whip.)

Jaladdin:
Hey pal, if I were as rich as you, I’d learn to reign in your attitude and get some real manners! (The Suitor goes back to his horse)

The Suitor:
I’ll teach you Manners! (The Suitor kicks Jaladdin and James into the mud.)

Jaladdin:
Hey James, you ever see a horse with two rear ends?

TLOTA:
No, but there is a huge pile of Horse dung (Cut to The Suitor physically)

TLOTA (Audio Only):
On top of the horse! (The Suitor turns)

The Suitor:
YOUR MOTHER IS A CAMEL’S HUMP AND YOUR FRIEND IS A WORTHLESS STREET RAT! AND HE WILL DIE A STREET RAT WITH ONLY THE FLEAS TO MORN HIM! (The Suitor turns around and laughs as the gate closes before cutting to James and Jaladdin being pulled up by Alex)

TLOTA:
That thing has the manners of a goat! And he smells like a dung heap! (Cut to James as he takes his box to Jaladdin’s home and sees everyone here waiting.)

Jaladdin:
You know something, one day I will be someone powerful, rich and all the troubles in the world will be behind me!

TLOTA:
Excuse me for a moment. (James steps into the box and begins to laugh insanely before walking out) Ooh boy, thanks for the laugh pal I needed that. (Cut to stills of the 1992 classic and the 2019 remake of Disney’s “Aladdin” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
If anything this movie showed how many people are the same no matter how rich or poor, the problems we have are the same. We want to believe that the rich have less problems but as the old saying goes, the more money the more problems you have. That doesn’t mean the poor are better off doing everything to keep themselves from being but while people are on the same way but on different paths and when paths cross in the right way it’s called destiny and one of the themes of the movie is changing destiny. Aladdin and Jasmine are trying to change their destinies when in fact by meeting they made their destinies set on the same course but different paths getting to the destination. That’s something the 1992 movie does well, not to take away from the 2019 movie did, but the pacing is a little slower in my opinion, I just think it was not that good that’s all. (Fade to black before cutting to the next morning as James and Julia Alexa Miller wake up together feeling refreshed and being greeted by Jaladdin and a female friend played by Brenda Fonseca as the four of the get to know each other The Captain Of The Guards come busting in!)

The Female and Jaladdin (In Unison):
 They’re after Me! They’re After You?

TLOTA & Julia Alexa Miller (In Unison):
It’s safe to say they’re after all of us!

The Female (Played by Brenda Fonseca):
My father sent them I know it

Jaladdin:
Do you trust me?

The Female:
If I must, I do!

Jaladdin:
Then Jump!

TLOTA:
Alex, I wouldn’t ask you this but…

Julia Alexa Miller:
We’re wasting Jumping time! (Julia Alexa Miller jumps out of frame and James screams “GERONIMO!” jumps out of frame before cutting to the four landing on a pile of hay and being captured as the Female reveals herself as the Princess Yasmina!)

Princess Yasmina (Played by Brenda Fonseca):
By the order of the Princess, I order you to let them go! (The guards gasp)

The Captain Of The Guards:
PRINCESS YASMINA! 

Jaladdin:
THE PRINCESS?!

TLOTA:
Alex, follow me! Ah Your worshipfulness, My credentials! (James pulls out a piece of Psychic Paper)

Princess Yasmina:
You and your wife are royal diplomats?

TLOTA:
Yes, me and my wife are diplomats as sort of the coming of the next suitor and from Royal hubbub the last guy wound up getting his tail bit by your tiger and rightfully so, we asked this young man to give us a tour of the city before we got to the palace to see what it’s like for the commoner. (The Captain Of The Guards see the Psychic Paper)

The Captain Of The Guard:
Let this man and his wife go to the Palace and take the Princess with them. (The guards drag Jaladdin away as James is grabbed by Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Wife? Diplomats? WIFE?!

TLOTA:
It was the only way for us to not wind up in a Dungeon, one second, Your Worshipfulness, the box up there, can you make sure winds up in the royal courtyard.

Princess Yasmina (Off Screen):
I will, and in the meanwhile I have a few words with my Vizier about releasing your associate.

TLOTA:
Thank you and this is how I got us out of that mess, Psychic Paper. Same stuff the letter that Emmalina wrote and got you your powers.

Julia Alexa Miller:
But now, we’re in danger of being caught.

TLOTA:
Not really, besides the Princess’ character arc has started! (Cut to stills of the 1992 classic and the 2019 remake of Disney’s “Aladdin” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now this is where both get the credit for some of the best moments of the movie. At the start of the Animated and Live Action Remake Jasmine was not into being a princess. She saw everything as a waste of being alive and to Naomi Scott she put a lot more effort into not only showing but telling through her facial and bodily expressions she was NOT happy simply being a princess. But when the moment to use that powerful title was to spare a person from death, a person who would eventually save her even though he had to disguise himself from what and who he truly was. Once she was able to see the power and not just the fancy clothing and big parties, she was able to evolve quickly and that’s an awesome moral for young women to look beyond the surface and see deeper inside. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller as they see The Sultan played by Nick Yaun and his Vizier who happens to be the man in the shadows from Earlier)

The Sultan:
Hello, you are dignitaries from far I see from your documents, yes. I am The Sultan, and this is my Vizier Hafar and you met my daughter already. (Cut to James as he and Julia Alexa Miller look at the palace)

TLOTA:
Yes, we have, and I must say your town is very prosperous for our Prince, he’ll be around soon but for now, we’d like to talk about the young man who was our guide in the city. (Cut to Hafar as he steps out of the shadows.)

Hafar (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Uh, oh… Well you see, the execution has been carried out. Death by beheading! (Cut to James, Julia and The Princess being shocked before cutting to The Sultan)

The Sultan:
HAFAR! How many times have I told you not to take the law into your hands? Next time consult me before you dole out punishment!

Hafar:
My most humble apologies, I truly hope this doesn’t…. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Oh no Sultan, it’s all good for you to remand the person for not following your requests. Shows strong leadership, a sign of solidity of Government. Uh guest quarters, may we be shown to them?

The Sultan:
Oh but of course! (James and Julia Alexa Miller walk out before the camera pans over to Hafar)

Hafar:
Time is moving against me; I must move my plans up for tonight! (Hafar walks away before cutting to black then fading to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro as it cuts to James in his living room)

James Faraci:
Hey everyone, again coming up with an update on the GoFundMe and my brother. He’s improving but slowly and the family still needs the money from the GoFundMe to help with the day to day living expenditures and it is not getting easier or better. When there is a charity event, I will talk about it, but for now the GoFundMe is the only support to the family that can help ease things. Click on the link below and do what you know what you must do and thanks once again.



(James fades to black before fading to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fade cutting to James and Julia Alexa Miller having just feasted with the Princess and The Sultan.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh, I ate so much, I don’t think I’ll be able to eat for a month.

TLOTA:
Tell me about it, I thought the cooking was awesome when you and I cooked but this, I could… (Two horses neigh loudly outside as James and Julia Alexa Miller look and see two horses running out into the night before cutting to James and Julia Alexa Miller running towards the box.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So what did you tell the Sultan?

TLOTA:
We got a carrier hawk message telling us we need to return now and they have to prepare for the suitor’s arrival.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Did he buy it?

TLOTA:
I can only hope so because if I’m right, we’re going into a cave. (James and Julia Alexa Miller walk in and the Space Time Device moves out to the entrance of the Cave of Amazement as Jaladdin tells the Cave who he is and James and Julia Alexa Miller land as The Voice of the cave allows Jaladdin, James and Julia entrance and for Jaladdin to take only the lamp as Hafar tells Jaladdin that after giving him the lamp he’ll be set free before the three enter the cave and the three walk in from the dark into the light)

TLOTA (Audio only):
That’s what he said he did to you and you trust him on this?

Jaladdin:
No way!

TLOTA:
Smart move because this is something I need to talk about. (Cut to stills of the 1992 classic and the 2019 remake of Disney’s “Aladdin” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As much as Aladdin knew what the old man was probably not on the level, he also didn’t believe it to be too far to be true or that the old man was in fact Jafar incognito. This was a trait that was missing in the Live Action Movie. Jafar used disguises, subterfuge, Dark Magic and Science not known to everyone to obtain his goals. When in the live action version Jafar does what he does to try and obtain the lamp from the cave with Aladdin it didn’t exactly make sense, but I guess when Jafar is involved nothing is on the level. (Cut to James, Julia and Jaladdin on the magic carpet landing outside of the path to the Lamp.)

TLOTA:
Thanks for the lift. I’ll stay here with Sahu and you guys get the lamp if it’s up there. (Cut to the two as they walk up, and James tries to stop Sahu from getting the gem and he says in the background “Monkey going after nuts! Monkey going after nuts!”)

Jaladdin:
This is it?

Julia Alexa Miller:
Doesn’t look like much but…

TLOTA (Audio only):
GUYS GET DOWN HERE AND GRAB THE PRIMATE! NOW!

The voice of the cave (Played audially by Nick Yaun):
INFIDELS! 

TLOTA (Audio only):
TOO LATE!

The voice of the cave (Played audially by Nick Yaun):
YOU SHALL NEVER AGAIN SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY! (Julia Alexa Miller and Jaladdin make it to James, Sahu and The Carpet.)

TLOTA:
Come on Carpet, Allons-Y! (Show James, Julia, Jaladdin and Sahu bolting through as the carpet is incapacitated, James, Julia Alexa Miller and Jaladdin hanging on by a rock face)

Hafar:
THE LAMP! GIVE ME THE LAMP NOW! 

TLOTA:
ONLY IF YOU HELP US SURVIVE!

Hafar:
FINE, I SHALL HELP YOU SURVIVE AND JALADDIN SHALL BE FREE! (Jaladdin with hesitation gives Hafar the lamp and as Sahu tries to help them survive, Hafar shoves James’ Time and Space device into James and Julia Alexa Miller and grabs Jaladdin) Never let it be said that I am not a man of my word! You shall be free… of the mortal coil! (Hafar nearly kills Jaladdin before Sahu goes for Hafar’s nuts and Jaladdin gets clocked in the head and falls down the rock face into the cave just as James’ space time device grabs the unconscious body and the cave disappears back into the sand!) At last, it’s mine, Now I will… (Searches his pockets and sees he doesn’t have the lamp) no, No, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (The Echoes of the loudest “No” is heard so far down into the cave as James and Julia Alexa Miller try to revive Jaladdin.)

TLOTA:
Dude, you alright?

Jaladdin:
No, I knew something wasn’t on the level with him and now he has the lamp. (Sahu squeaks and makes monkey noises as he shows the lamp) Sahu, you thief! There’s some sort of writing. Let me clean it up! (Jaladdin rubs on the lamp as it starts to glow and fireworks. James and Julia Alexa Miller duck and dodge the fireworks as a Genie pops out of the lamp screaming.)

 The Genie (played by Steve Kidd):
WOW! Ten thousand years stuck inside something that has the space of the inside the size of a coconut will leave you sore in places you never thought possible! One moment please. (The Genie does some cartoonish stretching and after he does his stretching, James screams in total fear and the echoes are heard at the palace, the depths of space before cutting to the Space Station Angry Joe asleep at the post and is woken up by the scream as he shouts out loud in anger “DAMN YOU JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS!” before cutting to a much calmer James.)

TLOTA:
Sorry, it’s not that you’re scary it’s just that, there’s something that’s wrong and not with you per se it’s just that… it’s weird for me. (Cut to stills of the 1992 classic and the 2019 remake of Disney’s “Aladdin” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Let me get this out of the way right here, right now. Will Smith is a charismatic performer and a very good actor and for me he does have the chops to perform any character he wants. But as the Genie in “Aladdin” it was a bit distracting because I didn’t see The Genie, I saw Will Smith trying to turn the Genie into Will Smith. The reason the late great Robin Williams is Iconic is that his voice was enough to give the character life. Yeah there was times when Robin was a little too into being Robin, but he was able to reign it into the character! Now if I do have any positives to give Will’s Genie is that he’s aware of what’s happening and when The Genie does something similar to his animated counterpart he knows it and realizes why it works and when if something doesn’t work he lets people know why and figures out how to make it work. (Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller, Sahu, The Magic Carpet, The Genie and Jaladdin in the cave)

TLOTA:
Like sticking to the three wishes Ixnaying the wishing for more wishes and of course the rules of Not Killing, Not Making two people fall in love via a wish and of course not bringing back the dead!

The Genie:
Bingo!

Jaladdin:
Well if he can’t bring back the dead then how can he get us out. Oh well, it’s a long climb but we’ll get out eventually. (The Genie becomes gigantic)

The Genie:
Um, Excuse me Jal, You woke me up when you rubbed my lamp, you come here and insult me and you think I can’t get you stooges out, nuh-uh, you guys get on the carpet and SIT DOWN! (James ties a tow line onto the space and time device as he and the others hop on the carpet.) Now whatever you do, don’t step off the ride until we make a complete and total stop, hang on to your hats because we are (Cut to the outside sand as a zooming streak of light is seen and the Genie screams “OUTTA HERE!” before cutting to a lush Oasis outside of town)

TLOTA:
Thanks for the ride, now onto the business of Jaladdin’s Three Wishes.

The Genie:
Wait a second, Three? Uh In case you didn’t hear he’s now down to TWO!

Julia Alexa Miller:
Um Genie, not to spoil it for you but neither he nor any of us wished to escape. You got us out on your own accord!

The Genie:
Foiled by a loophole! All right, from this moment on no more freebies!

Jaladdin:
Okay, I’ve got three wishes, Genie, what would you wish for?

Genie:
Me? There’s only one thing I’d wish for and that’d be freedom, and I’m sure you think it’s all Phenomenal eternal Cosmic powers, but I’m stuck always serving others with my magic, to be free is worth everything in all of the known universe. But I’m just fooling myself, wake up and smell the falafel!

Jaladdin:
I’ll free you with my last wish!

Genie:
Yeah, I just need to put these two clips back to back (The Genie pulls out the “Bullshit” and “Unbelievable Bullshit” signs from “Airplane II” before Deadpool comes and hauls both away)

Jaladdin:
I mean it, with my final wish I Jaladdin will wish you free! I promise, I give you my word!

Genie:
If you say it, you better mean it!

Jaladdin:
I MEAN IT!

Genie:
Well, I’ll hold it to you. Let’s make magic!

Jaladdin:
Okay, first off there’s this princess. (The Genie makes screeching brake noises and reversing klaxon sounds)

The Genie:
Back it up there Cochise, what part of not making a couple fall in love did you not understand!

Jaladdin:
But you don’t understand she deserves to find Prince Right and by the law of her family she has to marry a prince…

TLOTA:
I don’t mean to throw a monkey wrench but there’s something I need to talk about. (Cut to stills of the 1992 classic and the 2019 remake of Disney’s “Aladdin” and the Sleeping Beauty crossover between Rowdy and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As my buddy Rowdy pointed out in his mid-review rant is that the pre-arranged marriages and the outdated laws and customs are thwarted by true love is a good thing and this is something that Aladdin did right. Both the Animated and Live Action version show early on that, but the live action tries WAY too hard for its own good to hammer that message in. Also, I understand that Aladdin’s mentality is that someone like Jasmine deserves the finest but sometimes the finest doesn’t mean the best or most expensive. It could just be a street rat who doesn’t even know how much his true worth is on the inside than it is on the outside! (Cut to everyone in the Oasis)

TLOTA:
But since you’re so insistent on going through with what you think she needs. Go for it!

Jaladdin:
Genie, I wish for you to make me a prince!

Genie:
Alright, one Certified, Bonafede prince coming up! (A magical clap comes before it cuts to the city of Aragrabah as horns and music sounding like “Prince Ali” plays in the foreground before cutting to the Castle as The Sultan, Hafar and Princess Yasmina look before cutting to the street as a parade band sings “Prepare for Prince Salim! Make Way for Prince Salim!” before cutting to James in doorway of his time and space device)

TLOTA (Singing):
Out from the west, in the old Bazaar, hey you, let us through, there’s a bright new star, O come be prepared to meet his eye! Make waves, ring bells, make noise, bang the drums, you’re gonna like this guy! Prince Salim, Fabulous is he, Salim De Babar! Genuflect show your respect, down on one knee! Now do your best to stay calm, brush up your Sunday Salaam! Then come and see his spectacular courtier! (Cut to Jaladdin as he comes in on an elephant as Julia Alexa Miller helps him lift a ten-ton weight incognito) Prince Salim, Mighty is he, Salim De Babar! Strength of ten natural men as you can see! (Cut to James as he comes to the ground) He faced the galloping hordes. One million men with swords and guess who sent them to meet the lord why Prince Salim!

Chorus (Singing):
He’s 105 golden camels!

Genie:
Don’t they look lovely Alex?

Chorus (Singing):
Purple Peacocks Five Thousand and Three!

Julia Alexa Miller:
Absolutely, Love the plumage! (Cut to James on the street)

TLOTA (Singing):
When it comes to exciting mammals. Yes, he has a zoo, it is all true of a world class menagerie! (James is hoisted up to a window of singing Harem Girls) Prince Salim, gorgeous is he Salim De Babar! His physique one look and you’re on your knees! So, get out onto the square, adjust what you got to prepare! Be ready to gawk and stare at Prince Salim!

Chorus (Singing):
He has four hundred and twenty-eight monkeys! To view them he asks for no fee! (Cut to the palace doors where James and Julia Alexa Miller stand as the doors appear to be closed as the chorus continues to sing)

TLOTA:
Alex, would you mind opening this Jar of Pickles?

Julia Alexa Miller:
You’re in deep enough with me!

TLOTA:
I swear I never even looked once at those girls, You’re the only one I truly love! I’ve never lied to you before and I never will.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Works for me! (Julia Alexa Miller pushes the doors open as it cuts to the interior of the Palace as the doors are forced open to allow the caravan to enter)

TLOTA & Chorus (Singing):
Prince Salim, Mighty is he Salim De Babar! (Cut to James as he greets the Sultan again)

TLOTA (Singing):
Told ‘em your daughter was a sight lovely to see! Which is the reason why, he got cleaned up and dropped by…

TLOTA & Chorus:
With 90 Elephants, A Llama or four, Bears, Lions and a brass band and more, Fakirs to favor him, Cooks to bake for him, birds that warble on Key. Make Way for Prince SAAALIIIM! (The music ends as the caravan is escorted out and James, “Prince Salim” AKA Jaladdin and Julia Alexa Miller meet with the Sultan)

The Sultan:
Oh what an entrance, I am indeed impressed.

TLOTA:
Your highness, may I present our employer Salim De Babar ruler of the Islands of Coney and Long!

“Prince Salim”:
My trusted diplomats told me everything and I must say I shall win your daughter’s hand through Jams and Jewels.

TLOTA:
Excuse me and my wife for a moment. (James and Julia Alexa Miller walk out of frame before cutting to James and Julia Alexa Miller on the terrace as The Sultan has fun on the Magic Carpet in the background)

TLOTA:
Before you say a word, again, YES, I know I’m so buried the starting point of my cemetery plot is at the bottom of the center of the earth with this whole “Wife” thing but between being my sister and my wife, I chose the lesser of two evils. You’ve seen my sister, no way you could’ve pulled that off! (The Sultan buzzes by them) MY FEZ!

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, you couldn’t pull off a fez if it was the only hat on earth!

TLOTA:
As I was trying to say, his approach to get The Princess to fall for him was all wrong. (Cut to stills of the 1992 classic and the 2019 remake of Disney’s “Aladdin” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
For me the first impression is often the only opportunity to make people care. I think the way Aladdin made his first impression when he saved Jasmine in the city back when he didn’t know she was the princess and she was immediately impressed by the personality that he could be a nice guy and stop her from being hurt and here’s where the live action version loses me. Prince Ali aka Aladdin trying to bribe her with Jewels and Jams? What? Last time I saw the animated classic, his arrogance was more than enough to get him to start to knock off the whole infallible Prince act so when He and Jasmine were alone on the terrace later on in the night as The Prince Ali Fa├žade was starting to fade and the real Aladdin was shining through. That’s why Aladdin was called the Diamond In The Rough because they saw the polish Aladdin needed to be true to himself and those around him. (Cut to later in the night after a celebration as Jaladdin, The Genie, Julia Alexa Miller and James are plotting the next move.)

The Genie:
Okay so the whole Jewels and Jams thing didn’t work. I’m going to suggest something radical. It’s called “Telling Her THE TRUTH!”

Jaladdin:
Are you kidding me? To know that the prince she deserves is a common street rat. She’ll laugh me out of town!

TLOTA:
Genie, allow me, this is something my father said that has stuck with me. “Don’t lie, you’re stupid for lying and eventually you will get caught.”

Jaladdin:
I’ve yet to be caught! Besides according to you Yasmina thinks I died by the order of Hafar! This is my big chance to get it right! So, what do you think? Prince?

TLOTA:
Alright, if that’s the way you think you should play it, Go for it! (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller as they look from a distance at what’s going on and The Genie incognito inadvertently helps by making Jaladdin say that Princess Yasmina was right about how she should not be won like a prize and treat her like a woman should be treated with respect and dignity, Yasmina sees the magic carpet as an instrumental sound alike to “A Whole New World” plays in the foreground as The Genie pilots The Time Space device while James and Julia Alexa Miller look on in the foreground and James breaks the fourth wall) While we go on this trip, I’m gonna talk about the music. (Cut to stills of the 1992 classic and the 2019 remake of Disney’s “Aladdin” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I’m gonna say that the music for the most part in the live action remake really took what Howard Ashmen & Alan Menken picked up the ball and incorporated the middle eastern motifs and with the exception of Will Smith’s “Never Had a Friend like me” & “Prince Ali”, I have to say the music is a highlight that in both the Animated classic and this live action version is something I looked forward to and as to why I have done so few musical numbers in this is simple, I could only license a small amount of songs from the movie. Plus, after the disaster that was my “Producers” review, I decided to scale back on the musical reviews. (Cut to Jaladdin and Princess Yasmina as they make it back to the terrace and the two kiss and wish each other a good night. Moments after Jaladdin and starts to feel good he is assaulted by the guards and James jumps into the fray but is captured as well before cutting to the next day as James and Jaladdin are awake tied to a chair together over a cliffside and Hafar getting ready to push the two off)

Hafar:
Farewell James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Jaladdin! (Cut to James as he is looking over the cliff)

TLOTA:
UH EXQUEEZE ME, but how did you figure out who I am and who he was? (Cut to stills of the 1992 classic and the 2019 remake of Disney’s “Aladdin” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The fact that Jafar discovers Aladdin’s identity before being discovered as a traitor opens a plot hole that the animated version never had. As a matter of fact, it’s a reason why and how the animated version works better. When Jafar looks at Prince Ali after his musical entrance, he never thought it was Aladdin. It wasn’t until Jafar was shown as the traitorous pile of Billious Schmatte that Jafar saw the lamp and the wheels were turning in Jafar’s head that the Prince was in fact Aladdin. The live action version was wrong about they did Jafar and I do not blame the actor who plays Jafar in the live action version. This squarely belongs on the writers, director for thinking this was a good idea and Disney for approving the idea! (Cut to Hafar as he has his foot on the chair)

Hafar:
Well, whelp you will not have long to dwell on that! (Hafar kicks the chair over as both James and Jaladdin spin like a coin as James takes a deep breath and the two hit the water! As James escapes and cuts Jaladdin free James tries to get to the surface with Jaladdin but both start to fall as a hand grabs James and Jaladdin falls and rubs the lamp and awakens the Genie)

The Genie:
I’m just about to go shark fishing and next thing I know boom! Called into duty! Jal?! JAL! Come on, you have to say “Genie, I wish for you to save me from drowning! COME ON KID NOD IF IT’S AN OFFICIAL WISH JALADDIN! (Jaladdin unconsciously nods yes!) Okay then, One wish closer to freedom! (Genie’s head becomes a klaxon and the body a Submarine and Genie improvises German and as the they pop up Jaladdin coughs and revives.) Don’t scare me like that again!

Jaladdin:
Wait, James what about him? (Cut to James as he wakes up slowly and sees Julia Alexa Miller as a mermaid)

TLOTA:
Alex?

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, it was early spring when I decided to take a swim in the ocean and next thing I knew, surprise Julia Alexa Miller you have Gills, Fins, Scales and A Tail. But only in sea and ocean water. Not ordinary water, though that is an idea I wanna try, homemade saltwater, will it make me a mermaid?

TLOTA:
I guess this is…

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, and I’m not upset. We better…

TLOTA:
I was thinking the same thing! (Cut to Yasmina as she ready herself for the day as a hypnotized Sultan comes in)

Sultan (In a Hypnotized State):
Yasmina, you look happy, as you should. I have chosen your suitor. You shall wed Hafar!

Princess Yasmina:
NO! Father I choose Prince Salim and before you say anything about him leaving Hafar, I should let you in on something. (Yasmina removes the veil revealing James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, Jaladdin, Julia Alexa Miller and The Genie as a human played by Steve Kidd)

TLOTA:
HOWDY HO!

Princess Yasmina:
They told us how you tried to kill them! (Cut to Hafar as he hypnotizes The Sultan)

Hafar:
Oh such lies, I am loyal to you!

The Sultan (In a Hypnotized State):
Yes, Hafar is loyal, they are liars (Cut to James, Jaladdin and Julia Alexa Miller as they notice Hafar’s Staff and Yasmina is wondering what’s wrong with her father)

TLOTA:
Princess, Hafar is right, Liars, Liars everywhere and far too many for my taste, I think. Say this staff looks interesting (James grabs Hafar’s staff and Hafar is saying “No, No! Don’t mess with that!” repeatedly) Solid construction, well-made tell me is this casted or forged? What type of metal is this brass, bronze or copper? Alex, tell me, what you think? (The staff is tossed to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well, I don’t know, in my hands it’s rather light. I can’t tell how balanced it is. Salim, tell me is it well balanced (Julia Alexa Miller tosses the staff to Jaladdin)

Jaladdin:
Well, I can tell if it is because if not you lose power on the swing! WHOOPSIE DAISY! (Jaladdin shatters the staff’s head waking The Sultan out of the spell he was in then cut to James.)

TLOTA:
Aw, you busted it, I wanted to make Hafar act like a chicken! Oh well, your highness, may I present someone who wanted to usurp your throne, Hafar, The Traitor!(Cut to an angry Sultan)

Sultan:
HAFAR! YOU TRAITOROUS CAMEL HUMPER! (Hafar stumbles on speaking) GUARDS! TAKE HIM! (The guards grab him as Hafar sees The Lamp in The Prince’s headgear)

Hafar:
This is not over yet Whelps! (Hafar grabs a vial and a smoke screen appears as the vial hits the floor and disappears)

The Sultan:
SEARCH THE PALACE! FIND AND BEHEAD HIM! 

Jaladdin:
Yasmina, are you alright? (Yasmina and Jaladdin talk as The Sultan wonders to himself how Yasmina will find the suitor she likes when James turns to show Yasmina and Jaladdin happy together!)

Sultan:
Has it finally happened? Have you found a worthy suitor? (Laughs) Praise Allah! (The entire group of people celebrate by dancing together and laughing and being happy with the Handmaiden played by Rebecca Yaun kissing The Genie and a Record Scratches)

TLOTA:
Uh, I’m sorry who are you?

The Handmaiden (Played by Rebecca Yaun):
I’m the handmaiden who finds Prince Salim’s manservant.

TLOTA:
Who?
The Sultan:
Never mind about that right now your leader shall marry my daughter and become not only Sultan but also my heir! (The Record Scratches again)

TLOTA:
Okay, TIME OUT! WHAT IS IN EVERYONE’S HOOKAH POT?! Before I go on congrats to my boss and your daughter but him become your heir? A-and her falling head over heels for him?! (Cut to stills of the 1992 classic and the 2019 remake of Disney’s “Aladdin” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
That’s one of the big problems I have with the live action version of this movie! TOO MANY GOD DAMNED PLOTS THAT SLOW THINGS DOWN TO A CRAWL! The animated version maybe shorter but the plot and character arcs was easier to follow. Aladdin wanted to change who he was so he can get the woman he loves, Jasmine wanted to marry someone for love and be like one of us! The Sultan wants someone to care for Jasmine who she loved, Jafar wants to usurp The Sultan and rule with an Iron fist, choking Agrabah like a chicken and The Genie wanted to be free. Easy as a piece of Baklava! Why did they throw The Genie a love interest? Why did The Sultan make Aladdin his Heir?! He already had one! HIS DAUGHTER THE PRINCESS! THESE ARE THE REASONS PURISTS LIKE MYSELF WHO ENJOY THE CLASSICS ARE GETTING HOT AROUND THE COLLAR! THEY’RE ADDING THINGS THAT ADD NO SENSE IN TERMS OF STORY AND OR CHARACTERS AND DOING THINGS HAPHAZARDLY TO SEE WHAT WILL CHANGE THINGS TO MAKE THEM THE MOST MONEY! WHAT… THE… LITERAL…DEFINITION…OF HELL?! (Cut to Hafar in his lair)

Hafar:
I must figure out a way to get that lamp away from him and quickly but how can I unless there will be tension that I can use for my advantages. (Cut to the next day as James and Julia Alexa Miller quickly pack up and try to get the hell out of there as they’re interrupted by Princess Yasmina)

Princess Yasmina:
Where are you two going?

TLOTA:
Back to the Islands of Coney and Long. You see there’s a tradition, once a ruler finds a woman of a different land, the Ambassadors must inform the people and elect a new ruler.

Princess Yasmina:
That sounds very interesting

Julia Alexa Miller:
Good luck to you and Prince Salim, be sure to send us a wedding invitation.

Princess Yasmina:
We shall and now me and my father and suitor must announce our wedding.

TLOTA:
I’m going to say goodbye to Prince Salim, and we’ll be on our way! (James walks away and sees the argument between the Genie and Jaladdin)

Jaladdin:
Where are you going?

TLOTA:
Well seeing as how the Shisha is about to hit the fan, Me and Alex are getting out of here quickly! I take it you’re not going to let the Genie free.

Jaladdin:
Not yet, but I will… Someday.

TLOTA:
Translation: “I lied to you and not going to set him free.” How many more lies will it take for you to tell the truth?

Jaladdin:
You’re right, I can’t do this anymore, the truth must come out.

TLOTA:
Good luck. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller getting ready to run just as the skies turn red)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well James, you were right! The Shisha just hit the fan! (Show from a distance the Genie now gets ready to lift the palace above the city before cutting back to James and Julia Alexa Miller) So, do we…

TLOTA:
Okay, let’s do it! (Cut to Hafar having made The Sultan and Yasmina submit before Jaladdin tries to attack)

Hafar:
Oh Princess, there’s someone whose been dying to meet. (Cut to James as he, Julia Alexa Miller and Jaladdin try to attack)

Hafar (Singing):
Prince Salim, yes, it is he but not as you know him (Hafar incapacitates all three) Listen to me and come to grips with reality! Yes, meet a blast from the past whose lies could never last! Say hello to the mighty Prince Salim! (The royal garb is destroyed returning Jaladdin’s old clothes!)

Hafar:
Or is it, Jaladdin, the street rat you met?

Princess Yasmina:
Is it true?

Jaladdin:
I wanted you to…

Hafar (Singing):
And so Salim turns out to be merely a liar! It was a con, need I go on take it from me! (Hafar captures James and Jaladdin) With personality flaws, give me adequate cause to send them packing on a one-way trip so their prospects take a personal dip (Jaladdin cries for the Genie and James shouts “HELP ME!”) Their destination chosen; their assets frozen at the ends of the earth!  YAHOOEE! FAREWELL! EX-PRINCE SAALIIM! (Hafar chuckles as he lords over The Sultan, Yasmina and Julia Alexa Miller then cutting to James and Jaladdin landing in artic temperatures)

Jaladdin:
HELLO? IS ANYONE OUT THERE?!

TLOTA (Audio only):
I’M GOING TO GUT YOU LIKE A FRICKING TROUT YOU SELFISH SON OF A BITCH! (Cut to a very angered James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as the Megas XLR Instrumental plays in the foreground)

Jaladdin:
Well, this isn’t gonna end nicely! (Cut to James as he growls like Wolverine and attacks Jaladdin savagely and Jaladdin holds his ground before someone unexpected lands just in time to stop James, his friend Chris Lee Moore AKA RowdyC)

Rowdy:
James, I’ve been informed about what’s going on! I just caught up with you thanks to the Vortex Manipulator and I know you want to kill him but then Alex will be dead! You don’t want that on your conscience, or your soul now do ya?

TLOTA:
You’re right, Chris, Jal, I’m sorry.  We got to get back quickly. Rowdy, did you bring her?

Rowdy:
Nope, I’m not that smart, what can I tell ya? (The three feel lighter than they should)

TLOTA:
The carpet! Alright! OH CANADA! Okay, start digging! (The three digs the carpet out when the tower rolls loose and they get out of dodge quickly and the carpet is freed!)

Jaladdin:
Alright! Quickly back to Aragrabah! (Cut to Aragrabah and the Palace as Julia Alexa Miller and Yasmina are held captive to be wed by the Genie as James, Rowdy and Jaladdin look from a distance)

Rowdy:
You do realize we have no Genie, he’s as powerful as he can get and all this rests on my acting ability! How boned are we?

Jaladdin:
You two are smart and I’m a street rat! We’ll improvise somewhere in the middle! (The Genie prepares to wed as Julia Alexa Miller and Yasmina are dragged to where Hafar and the Genie wait!)

The Genie:
We are gathered here to join these women to our leader. Whoever has anything to say to oppose this union, please do so or lose your head! (A voice in the back says, “I have something to say!” before cutting to Rowdy dressed like a Middle Eastern Mario Brother!)

Rowdy:
I cannot allow this wedding to happen until I receive a dowry! I say half the fortune and at least ten goats!

Hafar:
What?! That’s just outrageous! I’d rather… (Hafar looks and sees James and Jaladdin and then looks at Rowdy as he takes off his disguise)

Rowdy:
Okay then, RUN LADIES RUN! (Julia Alexa Miller and Yasmina run as James shouts from out of frame “BATTLE MODE!” and attacks Hafar with the Ring and Gem from The Gauntlet and Hafar deflects both shots)

Hafar:
Looks like I’ll have to finish you off myself! (The three battle Hafar with Rowdy trying to grab the lamp and tossed over the terrace and hangs on for dear life! Yasmina and Julia Alexa Miller trying to go for the lamp and being stuck in a gigantic hour glass with sand coming down quickly, the carpet being unwoven, James deflecting a shot with Captain America’s Shield as he tries for the lamp only for James to be flung over to the terrace and James grabs Rowdy as Jaladdin confronts Hafar)

Jaladdin:
Is that all you’ve got, you snake!

Hafar:
A Snake, am I? Well then, let’s see how snake like I truly am!  (Hafar turns into a gigantic snake before cutting to James and Rowdy)

Rowdy:
Snakes, Why the frack did it have to be snakes?

TLOTA:
I don’t know about you, but I have had enough of these friggin’ snakes in my friggin’ reviews! (The three continue to attack and as James is knocked away, James notices Julia Alexa Miller and Yasmina running out of time. James pulls out his Sonic Screwdriver as does Julia Alexa Miller. The two point the screwdrivers at one another and the glass shatters, Julia and Yasmina’s lives saved before cutting to see Jaladdin getting the squeeze)

Hafar:
I have won! Without the Genie, you can never best me. (Cut to James as he thinks)

TLOTA:
Hey, Snake for brains! The Genie has more power than you realize. As a matter of fact, I plan on grabbing the lamp, telling the Genie to strip you of your powers and then to send you to an eternity of eternal torment in a dimension that makes Hell look like Heaven!

The Genie:
Uh, James, Are you insane or something.

TLOTA:
It’s Sunday and I’m cuckoo for cocoa puffs! (Cut to Hafar as he ponders what James says.)

Hafar:
Indeed you are right! His powers do exceed my own, but not for long! Slave I make my third wish, I wish to be an all-powerful Genie! (Cut to Yasmina and Julia Alexa Miller)

Yasmina:
I hope he knows what he is doing!

Julia Alexa Miller:
I believe in him, He’s James Faraci The Last Of The Americans!

The Genie:
Very well, it’s your butt not mine. Your wish is my command! (The Genie turns Hafar into a Genie)

Hafar:
Yes, The Power! The infinite power! The ability to control the cosmos is at last in the tips of my fingers! (Cut to Jaladdin)

Jaladdin:
Hold it right there, you wanted to be a Genie, you got it and all the responsibilities to go with it! (Cut to Genie Hafar being forcibly shackled as he tries to grab Rowdy but Rowdy fights off Hafar as he’s sucked into the lamp) Phenomenal eternal Cosmic powers, stuck inside something that has the space of the inside the size of a coconut.

The Genie:
You geniuses! (Show the Palace being restored magically before cutting to the inside of the palace as Hafar is shouting about how he’ll escape and how he’ll make everyone sorry)

TLOTA:
Hey Rowdy, Got the slugger?

Rowdy:
You thought I wouldn’t bring it with me? (Rowdy pulls out his baseball bat and Julia Alexa Miller takes the lamp and pitches it to Rowdy)

The Genie:
The Wind Up and the Pitch! (Julia Alexa Miller pitches the lamp and Rowdy hits it) Right out of the park!  (Show the lamp as it winds up in an active volcano before cutting back to the palace)

Jaladdin:
I guess I…

Princess Yasmina:
I understand why you did what you did.

The Genie:
And what I must do, just say the word and boom Prince Salim returns

TLOTA:
But what about your freedom? What about her?

The Genie:
What’s an eternity of servitude? This is true love. It’s something that only happens once in a lifetime.

Jaladdin:
I do love her but there are more important things. Genie, I wish for your freedom!

The Genie:
One Pri…What?

Jaladdin:
Genie, you are free! (The lamp glows and restores The Genie to his human form)

Genie:
I’m a freed Djinn! Wish for something insane!

Jaladdin:
I wish for The Nile?

Genie:
NO WAY BUB! (The Genie laughs and celebrates his freedom before realizing Jaladdin’s sacrifice) Jal, I know what she means to you and I understand, and you’ll always be a prince to me.

The Sultan:
And as far as myself and my daughter are concerned, you have proven your worth a million-fold, but the law is the law.

TLOTA:
Unless someone in power can change it.

The Sultan:
Well am I Sultan or am I Sultan? From now on, the next in the line shall marry those they deem worthy.

Princess Yasmina:
And my choice is you Jaladdin!

Jaladdin:
Call me Jal! (The Genie gets everyone together for a group hug and photo before cutting to the outside of a different door as the sound of James’ Space time device is heard)

TLOTA:
Hey thanks for coming man, saved quite a few cabooses!

Rowdy:
Meh, it was nothing!

TLOTA:
Which was more than what I dealt with. (Cut to stills of the 1992 classic and the 2019 remake of Disney’s “Aladdin” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I truly did try to give the live action version the benefit of the doubt that the live action version would improve on the classic but there’s a reason why everything worked in the animated version than the live action remake. Because it was bright, colorful and everything worked. Not to say the Live Action version wasn’t bright and Colorful, it was just a slog to get through. As much as the cast did their best to recapture what the classic version did. It’s safe to say that, you’re better off with the classic! But if you enjoyed the mess that was the live action version than more power to you. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller dressed normally as she steps outside of the Space Time device and into where James and Rowdy are)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well I am glad to… Where are we?

TLOTA:
Yeah, I tried to tell you but, thanks to all the craziness, they raised the rent on my old studio to way beyond my budget. (Cut to Team TLOTA as they set up the new studio building)

Rebecca Yaun:
Fortunately, I was able to find a new studio!

Paulo Fonseca:
It’s easier for us to get here

Nick Yaun:
Easier to get home

Brenda Fonseca:
More Spacious for us to work.

John Ross Santos:
We have a bigger kitchen.

Mike Santos:
A working bathroom with shower and therapeutic bathtub.

Ed Champion:
This place makes the old Studio look like a pea in comparison.

Andrew Beach:
And even better James can once again have separate offices. One for him to work in and one for the personal reasons.

Renee Miller:
And there’s another Floor and it’s for another Production Company.

Olivia Horvath:
If James would ask already! (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
I was waiting for the right time, but better now than never. How would Validus Production like to have an East Coast Branch, I mean you’d have to move to here, but you can do more of your Photo tutorials here, I can come up with ideas and… (Julia Alexa Miller kisses James)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Guess I’m New York bound! But first, a little rectification for a certain thing you did while we were in Aragrabah!

TLOTA:
Uh-Oh! (Cut to The Team setting up the Horseshoe Couch uninterrupted by the sounds of thuds, electrical zaps and finally an earth-shaking scream. Then cut to a very visibly disturbed and disheveled James holding a copy of “Spice World”)

Paulo Fonseca:
James, I take it Alex did this?

TLOTA (High Pitched):
Yes! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I’m only Six years old! (James goes “Bl-ul-lu-lu for two seconds and collapses then cut to black)