Thursday, April 28, 2016

"The Force" Analyzed

(The opening text of A Long Time Ago in a Theater far, far away appears then cuts to the words “The Last Of The Americans” in Star Wars Font style Text as it goes into the starry background the words “Episode LXXVIII” And under that is the words “The Force Analyzed” then in text the first verse is seen “The Force Awakens revived the Star Wars Franchise. James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Eliza Dushku decide to check it out for James’ birthday. But as the two walk away from the theater the two are captured by the second in command of the new World order Highlo Bet as they are warped to another part of the galaxy they find a group of rebels as they have obtained the plans to the new World order’s most powerful weapon”. Then the second verse is seen “But all the while with the approval of the republic, A rebellion fleet led by a legend in the days of the old War is sent to find out what had happened and to see if they can find the plans to the new World order’s most powerful weapon.” Then the third verse is seen “The fate of the new World order and the galaxy and the Star Wars now rest in the hands of a few in order to save us all.” Before cutting to a Super Star destroyer then to the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer where Highlo Bet played by Paulo Fonseca stands looking as fire colored lens flares are engulfing the front windows as James & Eliza are being forcibly brought to him with General Nux played by Nick Yaun.)

Gen. Nux: Lord Bet, I believe these are the two you called upon.

Highlo Bet: Yes, do you have their weapons?

Gen. Nux: Yes, my lord.

Highlo Bet: So the two of you are the last to see “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” and you (Cuts to James being forcibly flung to Highlo Bet and then made to kneel.) From what intelligence has gathered you are an Internet Reviewer, so tell me honestly, what did you think of “The Force Awakens”? And What Is your Associate saying?

TLOTA (Grunting while talking): You want to know? Simple DELTA… (Cut to the Sonic Screwdrivers powering up before cutting to Eliza Dushku)

Eliza Dushku: LEVEL… (Cut to the bottom of James’ boots as he clicks to reveal repulsar jet exhaust vents before cutting to James)

TLOTA (Grunting while talking): DEFENSE! (The Sonic Screwdrivers emit an electrical pulse that knock out everyone save for James who blast jumps off of Highlo Bet and Eliza Dushku who kicks out of the grasp of the new World order Stormtrooper and rolls out of the way. The Song “Up The Shard” from the 0:00 through the 1:31 mark by Murray Gold plays in the background as James grabs the Sonic Screwdrivers as he and Eliza run throughout the Super Star Destroyer eventually meeting up with Jol Methadone played by John Santos & Tenn played by Nicholas Markin over a large vent over the hangar bay.)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku: Howdy!

Jol & Tenn: Hello. (The four try to shake hands but are interrupted as a laser blast hits the wall as they cut to a first person perspective to see that they’re surrounded by troopers of the new World order.)

TLOTA (Audio only): Great! Surrounded by Bowling pins who can’t shoot worth a damn and our only way out is down. (Cut to the four back to back)

TLOTA: Anybody got an idea or a reasonable facsimile of one thereof?

Eliza Dushku: I do! (Eliza Dushku pulls out her Sonic Screwdriver and aims it at the corners of the panel.) Everyone get ready to fall! (The four fall out of frame as it cuts to see the four fall through a vent as James notices that the other vent opening is closed and pulls out his Sonic Screwdriver to remedy the situation. As the scene cuts to the four slam falling into the hangar bay.)

Tenn: This way. (The four find a TIE fighter and James looks to the left of the TIE fighter)

TLOTA: Never thought I’d be glad to see this. (The two groups run as the scene cuts to James’ Time Space Device going with a TIE Fighter as Tenn & Jol in the cockpit of the stolen TIE Fighter contacts James and Eliza)

Jol Methadone: Hey Guys…! (Cut to James and Eliza in James’ Time Space device trying to outfly the enemy TIE Fighter)

TLOTA & Eliza: WE SEE IT! WE SEE IT! (Scene cuts to the TIE Fighter taking down Tenn’s fighter which knocks James Time Space Device into a spinning crash into a planet and the audio of James and Eliza scream as they crash land onto a desert and in a distance we see Tenn’s fighter land far away from them as the scene cuts to inside of James’ time space device which has fallen into disrepair)

TLOTA: ORAC! What happened?

ORAC (Audio only): We have crashed onto the planet KaKu! In addition, we do not have enough power for a trip back to earth for all of us.

TLOTA: Where’s the survival packs?

ORAC (Audio only): Under the main console. (James grabs two survival packs and James grabs Eliza Dushku escaping James’ Time Space Device as it dematerializes leaving the two in the middle of a sand dune as they hear an explosion in the background and Eliza wakes up groaning)

Eliza Dushku: Where are we?

TLOTA: Well, If there's a bright center to the universe, we're on the planet that it's farthest from. According to ORAC we’re on the planet Kaku.

Eliza Dushku: Really, Where’s ORAC and your Time and Space Device now.

TLOTA: Hopefully it’s back at the office and ORAC is giving the others instructions to repair and retrieve us. If not, our turkeys are cooked.

Eliza Dushku: Don’t you mean, Geese?

TLOTA: In my line of work, I deal in turkeys. (Cut to everyone else at James’ office surprised to see the time and space device)

Eric Kurtzke: Well, leave it to James to surprise us when we’re trying to surprise him! (Windshield swipe cut back to James and Eliza as James hands Eliza her Survival pack)

TLOTA: Here, it’s solar powered and the canteen can draw moisture from the air and make it drinkable water. Now let me see if I can find some sort of civilization nearby and if I’m lucky it’ll sound like… (James walks around in a circle while Sonic Screwdriver makes different noises until it makes the usual Sonic Screwdriver noise and James stops) This way. Follow me. (The two walks towards the camera)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Singing): Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go! HO! 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer if any of those happen to fall…. (Cut to the blazing hot sun overhead before cutting to the two continuing to sing.)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Slurred singing): Two bottles of beer on the wall, two bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall…. (The two take a swig from their canteens)

TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Singing): IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Love a parade! The trampling of feet, the sound of the beat when I hear a drum! IIIIIIIIIIIII Love a parade! Whenever I hear the band, I just want to stand and cheer as they come! (James takes a deep breath sighing exhaustedly as the scene cuts to later in the day and the two are coming up over another sand dune.)

Eliza Dushku: We pass a service station that can serve us EVERY single thousand lightyears but when we really need one, we wind up walking our asses off!

TLOTA: Preaching to the choir, this is no way to run a planet that’s mostly desert! (The camera pans back as James laughs and we see two indigenous citizens of the planet KaKu)

Eliza Dushku (Audio only): What?

TLOTA (Audio only): We’re gonna die out here! (Cut to the indigenous citizens as they speak their language with the subtitles under the two “What a couple of assholes!” before cutting to the blazing overhead sun before cutting to see James and Eliza walking over yet another sand dune)

TLOTA: Taxi! Taxi!

Eliza Dushku: Oh god we’re dead! Our bodies are saying we’re alive but our brains are saying “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU AND THE IDIOT NEXT TO YOU DOING?! LAY DOWN AND DIE ALREADY!”

TLOTA: Taxi! Here boy! Oh god we’re dead! Why can’t we die?! (Cut to yet another dune as James carries Eliza Dushku on his back)

TLOTA: Mommy! Mommy?! (James tumbles forward and Eliza Dushku falls off rolling forward towards a skeleton next to a Stormtrooper’s outfit.)

Eliza Dushku (Shouting): WHOA! HEY! HI! HOW ARE YOU?! HEY! (Cut to the two making it over yet another dune where a tent is and the two laugh insanely before falling down as a shadow comes over them as the scene circular wipe cuts to an hour later in which the two are under the shade of a tent and a strange woman played by Traci Hines treating them as James comes to.)

Strange woman: Hello

TLOTA: Hi, uh how long have me and my associate been out?

Strange woman: An hour. A friend of yours found you two on his way here. You were just about dead but he dragged both of you under my tent and took care of your poor health. Your feet were just abysmally wretched smelling and they were puffy. She on the other hand wasn’t as bad as yours.

TLOTA: Wait, wait, wait, who grabbed us?

Tenn (Audio only): I did. (Tenn walks into the tent)

TLOTA: Wait, you were in the TIE Fighter with that other guy. What happened to him?

Tenn: I don’t know. Last I saw my TIE Fighter it sank in the sand then exploded as for Jol, I don’t know what happened to him. Oh where are my manners, I’m Tenn and Her name is Tray!

TLOTA: Well, hello Tenn & Tray, I’m James and my associate is called …

Eliza Dushku: Eliza! A Pleasure to meet you bo … WHOA! James, The Blisters on your feet are the sizes of tubs! (James looks to see his feet have inflated to triple in size!)


Tenn: Where?

TLOTA: In the pack! (Eliza opens James’ pack to get the Ice tubs and James places both of his feet in them and a whoosh of steam is unleashed as the ice evaporate and James’ feet come out with the skin peeling and shredded.)

TLOTA: EGADS! Haven’t been this surprised since “The Force Awakens”

Tray: Surprised how?

TLOTA: Surprised that it’s a reality! (Cut to images of The Original Trilogy & The Prequel Trilogy of “Star Wars” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not, I was glad as a Star Wars fan to have let sleeping dogs lie especially when it came to the movies. I was glad to have seen the original as a kid and the prequels when they came out. As a matter of fact, the first memory of Seeing Star Wars came with getting my first VCR. For those who are my nieces age a VCR was this device that played this rectangular block that housed a copy of the film you were going to watch. Some of the first movies I saw on this format was “Disney’s Lady & The Tramp”, “Pinocchio”, “The Great Muppet Caper” & “Star Wars” though technically “Star Wars” was recorded from a CBS Broadcast and had the last minute of “Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown” And when I saw it, I was amazed at the story about a young person going through this journey and what he had gone through and when my family got a video rental service that’s when I saw “The Empire Strikes Back” & “Return of The Jedi” the twists and turns shocked me and like everyone else I loved these movies and would glad to stop everything to see them. I saw the prequels in the theaters and when I saw them I thought they weren’t bad but as time has gone on, I began to understand why people didn’t like them. Doesn’t mean I agree with them, I found “The Phantom Menace” riff worthy fun, “Attack of The Clones” in need of having a re-write but a good thing to put on the background and make Samuel L. Jackson sound more bad-ass and “Revenge Of The Sith” possibly the best of the three prequels because it was the closest to the Original Trilogy and honestly outside of Expanded Universe Media I was glad to let “Star Wars” drift away into movie history. But the news of more movies coming didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was the fact that Disney bought Lucasfilms and the rights to the “Star Wars” franchise. I thought it would’ve been 20th Century Fox to buy Lucasfilms and gain those rights. It was 20th Century Fox that financed the first “Star Wars” movie and distributed “Empire”, “Jedi” & The Prequels, so wouldn’t have selling Lucasfilms and “Star Wars” to 20th Century Fox been the more logical route? (Cut to everyone in the tent having just finished wrapping James’ feet in bandages and everyone save for James taking off a gas mask.)

Eliza Dushku: Okay, your feet smell wicked bad first. Second what is your beef towards Disney?

TLOTA: It’s not so much a beef towards Disney as much as I’ve seen what Disney has done with great franchises. (Cut to images of “Power Rangers” seasons under the Disney banner as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not when I discovered Disney purchased the Power Rangers franchise from Saban it was out of left field. And to say what they did with a few of their seasons and hearing about they disrespected that franchise and the fans of it made me cautious towards what they would’ve done with Star Wars but hearing how they sold Power Rangers for Pennies on the Dollar just so they could buy Marvel, Lucasfilms & Star Wars made me realize that instead of making good with what they got, The house of Mouse will squeeze every last drop of good and throw it away just so they can leave a bad taste in people’s mouth when it’s not their property. (Cut to everyone in the tent)

Tenn: So you were worried they’d do what they did on Power Rangers with Star Wars?


Tray: But that’s comparing apples to cumquats.

TLOTA: The point I was trying to make is that instead of working on bettering what they had with Power Rangers and keeping that franchise amazing they tried to Disney-fy it until no one wanted to watch it or work on it because before Disney got their hands on it Power Rangers was in the top five best Sci-Fi Franchises for kids and adults as far as I’m concerned and when Disney bought both Lucasfilms and “Star Wars” I had legitimate reasons for concern. (A droid beeping hovering around hits James in the leg) OW! What the… (James picks up the droid and reads aloud it’s designation “C-D-I”)

TLOTA: Let me say this right now, I know a nerd who would be glad to wipe this droid off the face of the map. (A Laser blast hits outside of the tent) Well, I guess we know whose after him don’t we! RUN! (Everyone runs away from the blasts being fired upon their tent before cutting to the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer.

Highlo Bet: CAREFUL YOU MORON! I SAID ACROSS THEIR NOSES NOT UP THEM! (The gunner played by Mike Santos turns to show his eyes are crossed and faces Highlo Bet)

Gunner: Sorry sir, I’m doing my best! (Highlo Bet looks up and down at the gunner)

Highlo Bet: Who made you a gunner?

Major (Audio only): I did sir! (Cut to the Major who is also cross-eyed and facing Highlo Bet)

Major: He’s my brother! (Highlo Bet looks up and down at the Major)

Highlo Bet: Who are you?

Major: I’m a major! Major Idiot!

Highlo Bet: And your brother?

Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot: I’m an idiot too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot!

Highlo Bet: How many Idiots do I have on this ship, anyway?

(Entire bridge crew played by everyone on Team TLOTA in multiple costumes stands up and raises a hand)

Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!

Highlo Bet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by idiots! KEEP FIRING IDIOT! (Cut to James, Eliza, Tray & Tenn standing in the shadow of a familiar ship.)

Tray: Are you sure this thing can fly?

TLOTA: This thing will make .5 past light speed. It made the Kessel run in five parsecs! It outlasted two Death Stars and was able to get The Then Administrator of Bespin out of Imperial capture and was the Flagship of the Rebellion! This is the fastest ship in the galaxy! (Cut to the exterior of the Millennium Falcon.)

Eliza Dushku (Audio only): So why is it in a Junkyard?

TLOTA (Audio only): Well, according to my Screwdriver, it’ll still fly. We just got to get her going! (Cut to the interior of the Millennium Falcon as James uses his Sonic Screwdriver to reactivate all the systems.)

TLOTA: That ought to do it! Try it now! (Cut to the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon)

Tray: Nothing is working!

TLOTA (Audio only): For the love of Peat Moss! (James walks in, aims the Sonic Screwdriver at the control panel and the ship starts up)

TLOTA: There That ought to do it! PUNCH IT! (Cut to the Millennium Falcon taking off and flying out into space with the Super Star Destroyer following it before cutting to the Cockpit of the Falcon)

Eliza Dushku: Here come the bad guys!

Tenn: We have to make the jump to light speed!

Tray: Do any of you know how to do so?

TLOTA: Why does everything have to rest on my shoulders? (James takes control of the ship and flips the right levers to take the ship to Lightspeed before cutting to the cockpit of the Falcon)

Eliza Dushku: Well, it’ll be at least three years before they find us.

Tenn: Whew, so where are we heading?

TLOTA: Someplace we can have the home field advantage.

Eliza Dushku: Are you insane? We’d be putting more of us in danger than them.

TLOTA: You’re right let’s head to the Ne-e-ee-e-ee-e—EEEEEE! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Tray: There! (Cut to the outside of the Falcon as it’s being placed into another ship via A Tractor Beam before cutting to the hallway in the Falcon where Tray, Tenn, James & Eliza are ready to defend against whoever comes in!)

TLOTA (Whispering) Tenn, the second the last guy is through the door close it. Tray, the second they try to attack take down the last guy in and Tenn back her up, I’ll handle the boss, Eliza, stragglers are yours. (Cut to the Millennium Falcon’s door as a cloud of smoke fills the hall and steps are heard until the smoke clears as Kerr Avon played by Paul Darrow.)

Avon: Well, from one pile of flying scrap metal to another. The Story of my survival. (The sound of the door shuts close as James and everyone else prepare to throw down before James stops everyone.)

TLOTA: Avon! You Son of a… (James throws a punch and Avon goes down like a sack of potatoes)

Tray: Now why did you do that?

Avon: Relax, people do that all the time, especially for those who were loyal to Blake whom I shot.

TLOTA: When he was trying to build a revolutionist army to take down the Federation.

Avon: One of many mistakes that I will live with for the rest of my days and have continued to do so since that faithful day that I lost everyone, I have been running and now I believe I can stop running and start fighting if this ship is as powerful as “The Liberator” then I shall use it and you to finish the job that Blake started.

Tray: Well we have our own Problem. Highlo Bet and The new World order. (Avon grabs Tray’s Arm)

Avon: Did you say Highlo Bet? Very well then, tell the pilot of this ship to take us to these coordinates.

TLOTA: Okay, looks like I’m the pilot now! Why not add more to my buffet of a repertoire? Allons-Y! (Cut to a gigantic person on a throne and Highlo Bet looking up)

Highlo Bet: Lord Hualk How I may I serve you? (Cut to the gigantic Lord Hualk played by John Ross Santos)

Lord Hualk: First off my nWo-ite find a way to shrink this damned hologram! Secondly Have General Nux try the new Starkiller Base on the next place we stop by. Though I do have a question for you, Brother!

Highlo Bet: Lord Hualk, I assure you I know what I will do to if my father were to come for me.

Lord Hualk: Make sure you end Kerr Avon quickly, BROTHER!

Highlo Bet: Yes, my master!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and the Falcon lands near a bar on a forested planet as our ragtag team of travelers exit the Falcon)

Eliza Dushku: So where are we?

TLOTA: According to the navicomputer we’re on the Planet…. Teriyaki!

Eliza Dushku: Seriously?!

Avon: The information I will require is in there! (Cut to a Cantina on top of a mountain before cutting to the inside as Avon orders a drink and the others walk down the bar.)

Avon: So Highlo Bet kidnapped you after watching a movie called “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” and since then you have not had a moment’s peace not even long enough to say whether or not you enjoyed the movie.

TLOTA: Well Avon, I did enjoy the movie but to me it feels less like what “Star Wars” was like when I was a kid.

Avon: Was that when you saw those movies? Knowing you, the moment that made you a Star Wars Fan was some blaster battle or duel between the hero and the villain or some stupid catchphrase. (Cut to Stills from “The Original Star Wars Trilogy” and the Prequels before cutting to stills from “The Force Awakens” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Actually for me, the moment that made me a Star Wars fan WASN’T a battle or some catchphrase. It was when I saw Luke Skywalker having walked away from his aunt and uncle and stepped outside his home to see the Binary Sunset of his home on Tatooine and look and wonder what was in his future. To me THAT was the moment that made me a Star Wars fan and of course the moment was highlighted by the music of John Williams who has done a marvelous job composing ALL of the great moments I remember the most. Whether it was when Luke got home too late to save his Aunt and Uncle which the music punctuated the feeling of someone who had just lost the only thing he had that was his life up to that point or when Han was frozen in Carbonite to being able to cry when one of the Ewoks took the hit that was meant to take out his friend. As a matter of fact, the soundtracks to the Prequels were one of the best things because if you watched those movies sans the Dialogue you could make your own story to the prequels better except for “Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith” because the Dialogue there helps finalize Anakin’s fall from the Jedi and the light side and delving into the Dark Side. With “The Force Awakens” I got that feeling that made me like Star Wars back when I was a kid watching movies instead of critiquing them. (Cut to the inside of the cantina as everyone enjoys their drink.)

Tenn: So I take it that the only Prequel you did like was “The Sith”?

TLOTA: Actually, they aren’t as bad as everyone makes them out to be. (Silence fills the Cantina before we hear the sound of guns being cocked.)

Avon: Well James congratulations are in order for making every last syllable out of Villa’s mouth seem like something out of the finest paper on mathematics and science and now we shall die because of this!

TLOTA: Can I explain why The Prequels aren’t as bad? (Cut to the prequels and the original trilogy as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me, the Prequels are a necessary evil! I wanted to know the hows and whys as to what led to Anakin Skywalker’s fall to the Dark Side and become Darth Vader! I wanted to see what led to the rise of the empire. Does Jar-Jar deserve to be ripped into pieces by being truck ripped for what he did? Hell yeah! Did we all know that the character of Palpatine played Ian McDiarmid was in fact going to become the Emperor? Of Course! The Prequels had to tell the Story of Anakin in order to understand the Story of Luke and Leia in the original trilogy. What I will say is that the charm of the originals in which there wasn’t as much green screen and they had to use the physical to make the impractical look realistic isn’t in the Prequels. Do I wish George Lucas go the practical route a little more? Yes, but he realized he needed to be able to do these with the quality of the original trilogy but with making things easier for the actors involved. Did he sacrifice certain things? Yes, and those things he sacrificed made the Prequels a chore to sit through. Quite honestly I like the prequels but if George Lucas spent a little more time maybe a rewrite or two or had help polishing the stories to Episodes I & II then maybe they wouldn’t have been as ridiculed as they were. (Cut to everyone in the cantina)

TLOTA: Does that satisfy everyone?

Avon: Apparently not, they’re still ready to shoot us Stone Cold Dead thanks to you. (Cut to the Alien behind the bar physically performed by Eric Neil Kurtzke but vocally by Renee Miller.)

Alien: No! It was because I sensed the presence of the soldiers of the new World order and I let them know to be ready to shoot. But her… (Alien points to Tray before cutting to Tray)

Tray: Me? (Cut to the Alien behind the bar)

Alien: Yes. I believe this belongs to you. (The Alien pulls out a case and in it is a Lightsaber and as Tray grabs it she feels and experiences a flashback to certain things in the Star Wars series before James catches her as she begins to faint.)


Tray: What a Rush! James, take this.

TLOTA: Okay Why? Because I feel as if I’m about to be…. (Tray screams as she is force pulled to Highlo Bet and Highlo Bet orders his troops to come in and destroy everything and one in sight as it cuts to the Cantina as James activates the Lightsaber and holds his own against the n.W.o Stormtroopers as the Bar fight breaks out and Eliza Dushku attacks and holds her own against the n.W.o Stormtroopers before grabbing a blaster and starts shooting them and more blasts come as the rebellion comes to force the n.W.o Stormtroopers into retreat.)

Avon: Well, I should be grateful to the rebellion, I’m not that great a shot as I once was! (A Stormtrooper tries to shoot Avon in the back as a shot is heard and the camera pans over to Servalan played by Jacqueline Pearce.)

Servalan: And that is how I’ve been saving your backside ever since Gauda Prime! (Servalan hugs Avon)

Avon: To that I am grateful, Hello Servalan. I found Blake, thanks to these people. (Cut to James talking about a plan to rescue Tray and meeting up with Jol Methadone who explains how he escaped and met up with the rebels in the distance before cutting back to Servalan & Avon)

Servalan: If you can save him, do so, please ever since the Federation named me a traitor I’ve been wanting something good to come my way. Blake was it. Save him, Save our son!

Avon: I shall do what I must, no more, no less! (Circular swipe cut to the interior of Starkiller Base as Tray is being interrogated by Highlo Bet.)

Highlo Bet: So I will ask one more time, what do you know of the Rebels and their alliance against the n.W.o?

Tray: You will not get anything from me!

Highlo Bet: I will not get anything you! Hey Stop That!

Tray: I’m not doing anything!

Highlo Bet: You’re not doing anything! Wait a second, yes you are and I am going to wait until the second you tell me.

Tray: But not here, after we fight for the last time.

Highlo Bet: Very well then after we… GOD DAMN IT! GUARD! Watch her! (Cut to the outside of the room where the Captain of the guard and another Stormtrooper before seeing their heads being sliced off with a lightsaber and the door opens to see James, Eliza & Tenn rescue Tray.)

Tray: What took you so long?

Tenn: We had to come up with a plan and I had given the Rebellion the necessary data to destroy this thing!

Tray: Well, where is Avon?

TLOTA: Going to confront Highlo Bet. Why he would do that seems out of character, even for him.

Eliza: What do you know about characters?

TLOTA: Quite a bit especially when it comes to the Star Wars franchise.  (Cut to stills of certain moments in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I knew Han and Leia would’ve hooked up and settled down after the end of the First big battle and Luke would’ve restarted the Jedi temple and teach students in the ways of the force in both the Light and Dark side so they know what was where and what path they could go down. Then of course we have R2-D2 & C-3PO they would’ve remained loyal to Luke, Leia and Han but I have a lot of questions that I never got the answers to by the end of the movie such as What made Kylo Ren become a member of the Sith or What was the reason behind C-3PO’s red arm or for that matter why didn’t they know R2 was in a recharging mode hell even how The First Order picked up where the empire left off. (An audible scream of the word “Blake” is heard before cutting to a point in the of the interior of Starkiller Base as Highlo Bet stands in the center of the Base and Avon is seen at the end of the runway.)

Avon: BLAKE! Didn’t I ever teach you that it is considered rude to face someone behind a mask, my son. (Highlo Bet takes off his mask to reveal that he is Blake Servalan Avon played by Paulo Fonseca.)

Blake: Hello father! (Avon walks towards his son)

Avon: Your mother and I have never given up on you so answer me this, Have you given up on yourself? Have you given up on us as a family?

Blake: I am the only one who has tried to do what you and mother have never tried.

Avon: Your mother and I have tried to keep you out of what we do. So for her sake, my sake and yours let it go. (Avon and Blake come face to face as Blake and Avon hold Blake’s Lightsaber.)

Blake: I don’t know if I can.

Avon: Yes! I know what I do now is for all of us! (The lightsaber activates and guts Avon and his face reacts the same way Roj Blake’s did as he was shot by Avon before it is retracted.)

Avon (In pain and dying): Blake! (Avon falls to his death while focusing on an overhead shot on Blake)

TLOTA (Audio only): YOU KILLED YOUR FATHER YOU BASTARD! (Cut to James screaming and swinging down on a rope to try to be force thrown to the floor of the Hangar Bay of the Starkiller Base as everyone else runs and Blake chases after them as the scene cuts to the interior of the Millennium Falcon as everyone sighs and sits uncomfortably or cries silently)

Tenn: Why did this happen? We thought he would lead us to something to stop the n.W.o.

Tray: He died so we could have a chance to either destroy Highlo Bet or save Blake one of the two.

Eliza Dushku: Kind of hard seeing as how Blake & Bet are the same. This is so similar to what happens in “The Force Awakens”

TLOTA: Yeah, A little too similar. Almost like… Oh my God! I know why I and everyone liked “The Force Awakens” and for that matter the entire “Star Wars” Franchise! (Cut to a geeky female writer in front of a computer played by Rebecca Yaun)

G.F.W.: So James discovers the key fact on what keeps “Star Wars” popular as everyone else is left in surprise. (Cut to The interior of the Millennium Falcon)

Eliza, Tenn & Tray: FAN FICTION?!

TLOTA: Exactly that! Think About it! (Cut to stills of old Saturday Morning Movie Serials and Old Sci-Fi, Old Action & Western Movies Then Stills of the entire Star Wars franchise as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): George Lucas grew up watching these classics and wrote “Star Wars” as not only a love letter to those movies from a by-gone era, He essentially said “It was okay if you were or are a fan of these movies or stories that you grew up with, you can make them in your own way and people WILL enjoy it!” And that’s why J.J. Abrams made “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” the way he did. He did his own Fan-Fiction of where he thought the Star Wars franchise would go and ultimately it worked because it was HIS spin on Star Wars. That’s why the movie came out as great as it did! (Cut to the interior of the Millennium Falcon as a familiar whoosh is heard as James’ Time and Space Device materializes inside the Falcon as the remainder of Team TLOTA walk out the door.)

Paulo Fonseca: Somehow You’d find yourself in trouble today.

Rebecca Yaun: And we would be the ones trying to clean up the mess!

TLOTA: Alright Eliza, let’s get going.

Tray: Wait, you can’t leave us.

TLOTA: Actually we’ve got a battle with Highlo or Blake or whoever he is.

Tenn: But who will help us in our battle with the n.W.o.? (A Smooth voice from the past says “Tenn, Rule Number One: Always expect help when everything looks bleak and Rule Number Two… Before cutting to Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian!)

Lando: Never forget rule Number one!  (Cut to a forested part of the Starkiller base where James in full on out battle gear and a special set of Sunglasses, Tenn holding the lightsaber & Tray await Blake and Blake arrives.)

TLOTA: Well Blake we meet face to face!

Blake: The Lightsaber, I Want it, I DEMAND YOU GIVE IT TO ME!

Tenn: Well, you’re going to have to take it from me!

TLOTA: And you’re going to have to go through me to get to Tenn! (Blake reaches out as James is flung off camera)

TLOTA (Audio as he landed): I’m not okay! (Blake and Tenn Battle for a few Seconds before they feel the earth shake and Tenn loses his grip on the Lightsaber.)

Blake: What was that?

TLOTA: Don’t you realize why there’s a whole lot of hurt coming your way? (Cut to the outer space as James’ Space & Time Device flies in the Air before cutting to the interior as Eliza, Traci, Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke and John and Mike Santos pilot the thing and open communications to the rebellion.)

Paulo Fonseca: All fighters focus your attack runs on the center of that thing! (Cut to Jol Methadone in his X-Wing Fighter.)

Jol: Roger that! (Cut to the forested part of the Starkiller base!)

Blake: You sent them my way!

TLOTA: Not only here but a whole lot of other places as well in the quadrant you and everything you have been a part of.

Blake: No matter that lightsaber is MINE! (The Lightsaber goes to Tray and the lightsaber turns on. Blake and Tray fight.)

Blake: Come with me and I will show you the way of the force!

TLOTA (Audio): I don’t think that’s what she wants. (Cut to James standing strong as he wields The Sword Of Caliverti)

TLOTA: Besides You’re gonna get more of a headache with what’s coming your way! (Cut to a fleet of other Fandoms being led by the U.S.S. Enterprise!)

Captain James T. Kirk (Audio only by James Faraci but the image blurs between The Old School William Shatner, Movie version of Kirk by Shatner and Chris Pine from the reboot.): Calling this quadrant of space. This is James T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise! (Cut to the Outer space as Fandoms come out to attack.)

TLOTA (Audio only): You could say, they’ve been waiting to get their hands on you for a LONG TIME! (Cut to the cockpit of the Starkiller Base as Audio and Visual of Different Fandoms ranging from Comic Books to Movies to Sci-Fi and everything in between flooding everything before cutting to an image of the interior of Iron Man’s helmet as he shouts out “AVENGERS!” Before cutting to a darkened image of Tony Stark shouting “TIME TO EARN A LIVING!” before cutting to the cockpit and General Nux.)

Gen. Nux: How many are out there?!

Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot: According to the latest reading it is two shy of… CORRECTION! (Cut to Outer Space where The TARDIS and a Man on A Nuclear Missile comes rushing their way before cutting to the image of Peter Capaldi’s Doctor looking intensely into the screen before cutting to the Missile as we see who’s on top of it! Segata Sanshiro played by James Faraci.)

Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot (Audio only): Final total ONE DEKA-QUADRILLION!

(Segata Sanshiro Speaking Mock Japanese but translated as “Star Wars! You Belong to Us!” before cutting to Tray and James Battling Blake before James destroys Blake’s Lightsaber with his Sonic Sunglasses and a rift appears breaking up the fight and James’ Time and Space Device comes as well as the Falcon)

Tray: I guess we can handle this without you now.

TLOTA: Good Luck! (James Runs to his Time and Space Device as Tray carries Tenn to the Falcon before cutting to footage of “The Day Of The Doctor” in which The 11th Doctor shouts “GERONIMO!” The 10th Doctor shouting “ALLONS-Y!” and The War Doctor saying “Ugh, For God’s Sake!” before cutting to see James’ Time and Space Device getting the hell out of Dodge as a gigantic explosion like experience happens! Before cutting to the outside of James’ Office building and James looking out into the stars and Eliza coming over to be next to James.)

Eliza Dushku: Hell of a night.


Eliza Dushku: Wondering if the rebellion will win?


Eliza Dushku: If I said “I want to rip the clothes off your back and Milk you like a cow for your birthday right in front of everyone in the office.” Would you like that?

TLOTA: Yep. (Eliza Dushku smacks James in the head.)

TLOTA: Sorry I wasn’t listening but after everything we went through, it kind of makes you think.

Eliza Dushku: Yeah, but what about?

TLOTA: Whatever it is you want to think about? (Cut to the two looking up as it fades to a shot of the Falcon flying on a distant planet before cutting to Tray as she walks up a hill in order to find Luke Skywalker and she pulls out the Lightsaber and holds it out for Luke to take it before circular wiping to Black)

Monday, April 11, 2016

Top 10 Larry David Performances

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Larry David is a friggin' comedic GENIUS! (“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as images of Larry David are shown and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And it feels like it's been that way forever from his days on the short lived "Fridays" to his work on Saturday Night Live as of late. But what is it about him that makes him entertaining? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Well we'll get to the bottom of the that as we countdown ten of Larry David's best performances. So kick back and think long and hard about the humor of the mundane. This is the Top 10 Funniest Larry David performances. (“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as images of Larry David are shown while a central image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown then the words "The Top Ten Funniest" are on the top of Larry David's head and the words "Larry David Performances" are on the bottom as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

10) Sister Mary-Mengele in  the Farrelly Brothers "The Three Stooges"

TLOTA (Voiceover): Possibly one of the few good things out of this dogpile was Larry David's performance as this nun who was about as likable as sandpaper toilet paper. Even the trailer was smart enough to have Sister Mary-Mengele be the first person getting the eyebrow poke! And then came the entire performance, Larry got the daylights knocked out of him but he took it all in stride. But I think it's safe to say he was in on how much of a stinker it is and did the best he could and he was a trooper for putting up with being both a nun AND being beaten to a pulp! He was one of the few funny things that worked in this turkey and it shows.

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

9) "Fridays"

TLOTA (Voiceover): I put this classic series waaaaaaaay down here because the only reasons people remember this was because of an incident involving Andy Kaufman shattering a sketch but also it was successful for at least a small amount of time especially during the sixth through the eighth seasons of "SNL" which would eventually have a former cast member be a part of their tenth season as well as Larry David in the writing staff and the occasional sketch but the cast including Melanie Chartoff, Rich Hall, Michael Richards and of course Larry David was relatively funny and in sketches and musical numbers that tanked and then some but apparently there was something that shone through the bottom of the barrel especially in which Larry David plays Larry OF the Three Stooges getting baked on the Mary Jane to which I ask the following to you which was worse The Sketch from "Fridays" in which the Three Stooges are made to be drug heads or the Farrelly Brothers movie? Regardless this did show Larry David at his earliest and what would come from those days would be a comedic genius!

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 8

8) Sour Grapes

TLOTA (Voiceover): This was Larry David's only movie where he directed. And it's easy to see why. The plot was interesting A guy and his cousin in a casino wins close to half a million dollars on  two quarters for a slot machine and what happens afterwards. The cousin feels he should get half of the cash because it was HIS quarters that his cousin used to win the money so he should get at least half but then chaos between the cousins ensues. Now that sounds like comedy gold but the critics crucified the movie and the movie died a painful death and eventually even Larry David regrets it so much it became a joke on the Pilot Episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm". But I hope people do give it a chance, it was funny and I hope it becomes a cult classic!

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 7

7) The cameo in the Hannah Montana episode "My Best Friend's Boyfriend"

TLOTA: My associate the Rowdy Reviewer got it right on the nose when it came to this series but one of the greatest moments this series had was having Larry David and his actual daughters cameo in the episode. While it was brief, it gave kids that around my nieces age who this guy is and what he's been in though it does show how most people in Los Angeles who have high end restaurants to those who've been around for a while and those who are just young acts who will flame out before their first attempt to regain their relevance six weeks after they become relevant and you know what's even crazier. He was just hanging around the set with his daughters and the executive producers and writers decided to ask Larry to cameo with his daughters and he was fine with it. So it shows how even he can poke at who he is and enjoy it as well.

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 6

6) " The Acceptance Speech for the Laurel Award at the WGA Awards"

TLOTA (Voiceover): Just watching this guy roast himself and what he does and how he got his start and how he got there is hilarious. But when you see it, you can tell he was truly humbled by the award and how lucky he was to get the breaks in his career which I think he earned!

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 5

5) "Fish in the Dark"

TLOTA (Voiceover): While sitting Shiva with his friend & lawyer who had lost his father, Larry David came up with the plot for this short lived but critically polarizing Broadway play about a dysfunctional family as not only do they come to terms with the passing of their father but what is going to happen to them and on the outside it does sound like a good drama but with Larry David's talent turned it into a great comedy.

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 4

4) The "It's Garry Shandling's Show" episode "Sarah"

TLOTA (Voiceover): We recently lost Garry Shandling. But this episode shows what he could do with the writing style of Larry David and the show's deadpan yet fourth wall breaking comedy was a match made in heaven and in this case, it shows. The episode is about Garry's Ex-Girlfriend coming back into town and Garry still having feelings for her and as was a part of the show's fourth wall breaking he'd always let the audience on the series be on the gags and jokes without the "If You have to explain the Joke" trope.  An awesome episode of a great series written by a comedic genius and you've got a classic of epic proportions.

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 3

3) Saturday Night Live!

TLOTA(Voiceover): Believe it or not as a sign of Good Will from one network to another after "Fridays" bit the bullet, The then showrunner of "Saturday Night Live" invited the cast and writers to work on SNL, that was kind of nice of the showrunner I guess. Well out of all of the cast and writers only two accepted the offer one of them being Larry David and although he did work on the show his only written sketch got the last slot on one episode. Enraged he quit but the next day returned to work the next day as if nothing happened. Though he did appear throughout his season as a writer performance wise as a heckler at Michael McKean and in the only season finale he both wrote and appeared in. But recently Larry returned this time to portray Bernie Sanders who is currently as of this post Still in the hunt for the Democratic Party Presidency Candidature, even hosting an episode in which Bernie Sanders appeared as a cameo. And as of this moment, whenever I hear Bernie Sanders on the campaign trail, THIS is what I hear. (Cut to James in his Office's kitchen washing the dishes as Bernie Sanders does a campaign speech)


Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): Yeah?

TLOTA: Are you watching a Larry David Bernie Sanders sketch from SNL?

Rebecca Yaun (Audio only): No, it's really Bernie Sanders.

TLOTA: Oh! (Cut to clips of SNL as Larry David portrays Bernie Sanders as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah it is that Damned impressive. SNL may have missed the mark in giving him a break in the beginning of his career but now with this, SNL is glad to have Larry as Bernie and so am I!

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 2

2) Seinfeld

TLOTA (Voiceover): Just... Just Seinfeld. Larry David's comedic writing and timing combined with Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia-Louis Dreyfuss & Michael Richards take on the world that brought this series to prominence and made it one of the best sitcoms of the 1990's though the finale did piss people off, it doesn't detract from what the series was when it was under Larry David's tenure and it surprises me how it holds up! I still hear people making references to this day! That is just how great and iconic this series

(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as an image of Larry David with his usual put-upon look on his face is shown as James does a voiceover the clip associated with the number on the countdown)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And the Number one...

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Oh we all know what's Number one it's "Curb Your Enthusiasm"!

(Cut to clips of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" as  "Frolic" by Luciano Michelini plays in the background and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And for good reason, it takes a fictional look at  Larry David and how he thinks the world views him. Therein lies the storytelling engine. It's Larry David as himself having to go through things that turn normal people into Mailmen with a lifetime membership to the NRA and how he deals with it and how the mundane is the most hilarious. Even when the real life of Larry David cross sections with the fictional it seems to be hilarious. Especially when it came to the end of both the real and fictional marriage of Larry David and while the final episode (Thus Far) shows how much Larry and the people can take and even after that people still want another season. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: WHY?! I think this is a case where letting sleeping dogs lie is a good thing! How much more can one guy take before he goes cuckoo for cocoa puffs! What else can Larry David do to his fictional self before he decides to flat out become a murderous psychopath. Larry put Larry through the Wringer. (Cut to Renee outside of James' door)

Renee Miller: Did you just say the N-Word? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: For the love of Peat Moss, not again. I SAID WRINGER! WRINGER! NOT THE N-WORD! (Cut to the outside of James' Door where General Anesthetic & Malcolm joins Renee)

General & Malcolm (In unison): Did you say "The N-Word" (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Ugh here I go again, I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion! RENEE! GENERAL! MALCOLM! (James walks away as the first eight seconds of "Frolic" by Luciano Michelini plays before cutting to black!)

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

A review that will "Kick-Ass" and take names!

(Scene starts as four cars are parked in the Parking lot as two of the cars at the end open their doors. In the car on the far right end Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Paulo Fonseca, John & Mike Santos step out and in the car on the far left end Traci Hines, Renee Miller & Eric Kurtzke step out as Eliza Dushku as she’s looking on her Smartphone steps out of the car on the left of James’s ride before the camera pans over to see James in the office finalizing a set-up as “A Good Man” by Murray Gold at the 2:00-3:21 mark plays in the background.)

Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): Typical James. (Cut to everyone else.)

Paulo Fonseca: Doing more than what anyone else does.

Rebecca Yaun: That’s James in a nutshell. Tries to give a little extra because he wants to.

Eliza Dushku: Guys I’ve been trying to find out more about him or what he talked about something, ever since our little encounter with Batman. When I searched for “The Wicked” or anything that connects him to Lea Michele and I’ve come up empty. Almost as if there was nothing about any of it? But when I find stuff on something called “Caliverti” James’ name is honored. So what is he?

John Santos: He’s James Faraci.

Mike Santos: The guy is a unique fellow. He’s willing to give you not only the shirt off his back but also get you someplace to get warm.

Eric Kurtzke: James will be the first one on a job, the last one to go home when it’s over.

Renee Miller: Yeah he’s a Republican but he’s actually not like the usual Republican. He uses common sense and is not a racist. I mean he has other Republican tropes like Hunting and Fishing.

Eliza Dushku: Wait a second! Republican?! As in Swastika wearing, Bible Thumping, Mein Kampf enjoying, Necronomicon Ex Mortis owning, demonic scum?!

Nick Yaun: That’s only the stereotype. Once you’ve been with James for a while you’ll understand him.

Traci Hines: Uh I don’t know about you but James is looking at us.

TLOTA (Audio only): What are you doing out there freezing your backsides off in the cold? (Cut to James physically at the front door)

TLOTA: Come on in! It’s warm & everything’s set up. (Cut to everyone else)

Paulo Fonseca: You heard him. Let’s get going. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Before I forget, hit that awesome new Intro!

Team TLOTA (Audio only): IT’S NOT THAT NEW!

TLOTA: Some people know how to ruin a moment.

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James as he stands in the lobby over a Bingo table for the caller.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Hey everybody, ready to play a game? (Audio of people shouting “YEAH!”) Well then, let’s play Nicolas Cage BINGO! (Cut to a still image of Nicolas Cage smiling zooming towards the center of the screen in which the words Nicolas Cage is above the image and the word Bingo under the image as old school Hollywood premiere music plays in the background before cutting to a montage of images and clips of Nicolas Cage being “Out There” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yep Good ol’ Nicolas Cage! So nutty he can’t be committed but so enjoyable, you don’t want to see him shipped off to the nut hut. I mean yeah, the guy is a good actor and has an Oscar but so does Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Mel Gibson, Christopher Walken and Leonardo DiCaprio so he’s not exactly in unique territory. But as of lately he’s become a one-man Internet Trope & Meme factory! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Which is why I’ve come up with this fun game to play while you watch one of his movies. All you do is make sure his crazy smiling face is in the center, then when either a Trope or meme of his comes up place a chip on it. Five in a row either diagonally or horizontally or even on a corner to corner angled line and you win so let’s play with one of Nicolas’ better performances which given his IMDB is saying volumes about how crazy this game is gonna be! (Cut to “Kick-Ass” trailer’s title credit scene then to clips from “Kick-Ass” as the punk cover of “The Banana Splits” from the movie play in the background as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As if having the insanity of Nicolas Cage wasn’t, we have every single hyper violent comic book trope intensified to the nth degree to the trillionth power cubed and we wind up getting a movie that is apropos and lives up to the title. (Cut to everyone else in the main lobby including Team TLOTA, Rowdy, Linkara, Film Brain and other assorted characters.)

Paulo Fonseca: You know something Nick, you did a great job on the cards.

Nick Yaun: Well, it was surprisingly, considering how many Tropes Nick Cage does it wasn’t an easy job but it was fun.

Rebecca Yaun: So what do we win, if anyone should win. (Cut to James at the head table)

TLOTA: Well, you win Nicolas Cage’s entire library of movies, a hundred dollars and a year’s supply of Liquid I.Q.! (Cut to Rowdy at his table)

Rowdy: The Liquid I.Q. was my contribution. (Cut to Film Brain)

Film Brain: No! Really! Do Ya think? (Cut to Mike J)

Mike J: We’re watching Nicolas Cage getting a paycheck for being Nicolas Cage. Of course we’re gonna need a year’s supply of Liquid I.Q. Ya twat!  (Cut to James at the head Bingo table)

TLOTA: Let’s not waste any more time, this is Kick-Ass! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the movie begins with us meeting Dave played by Aaron Taylor Johnson being invisible in school, having bizarre fantasies of his teacher, having lost his mom to a health problem and hanging out with his friends as they talk about what most people do. Superheroes. (Cut to clip of Dave and his friends talking about Superheroes before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Don’t we all do that? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We then meet Chris D’Amico played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse and his parents Frank played by Mark Strong & Angie played by Yancy Butler as they apparently do some bad things. (Cut to Frank D’Amico doing bad things to a gangster who he thinks did him wrong. Nick Yaun pondering and Paulo Fonseca on his smartphone)

Nick Yaun: Mark Strong... Why does he sound so familiar?

Paulo Fonseca: Perhaps this might jog your memory. (Hands Nick his smartphone which plays a clip of Sinestro from “Green Lantern” with Ryan Reynolds in it. Before cutting to the two of them.)

Nick Yaun: He was Sinestro? And let me guess Yancy Butler is someone I don’t know but was in something superhero related.

Paulo Fonseca: Bingo. Check out her IMDB page. (Show image of Yancy Butler’s IMDB page scrolled up to the part of her being “Witchblade” on the short lived TNT series with Nick Yaun shouting “DAMN IT!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We then meet a former police officer played by who else Nicolas Cage (A Choir sings “HALLELUJAH!” as James mutters “The Hell was that?” over the clip before continuing on with the voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Anyway Cage is with his daughter in what many would consider a normal family outing if your father was Nicolas Cage. (Show clip of Nicolas Cage firing a bullet into his character’s daughter before cutting to the office as multiple voices say “Crazy thing Nicolas Cage does as we meet his character.” Before cutting to Traci Hines.)

Traci Hines: Who plays the little girl Nicolas Cage blows away? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: That would be Chloe Grace Moretz. Surprisingly, this was her breakout role. (Cut to Traci Hines)

Traci Hines: Chloe Grace Moretz. Now where have I heard her name before? (Pulls out smartphone and taps in her name) SERIOUSLY?! (Cut to the screen as Traci screams out “SHE IS PLAYING THE LITTLE MERMAID IN THE LIVE ACTION VERSION OF “THE LITTLE MERMAID?!” before cutting to Renee Miller and John & Mike Santos)

Renee Miller: What’s wrong with her playing The Little Mermaid?

Mike Santos: She’s a fine actress.

John Santos: It could be worse. It could be someone without a hint of Talent like say…

Mike Santos: Mischa Barton?

John Santos: That’s the hack! (Cut to Traci Hines)

Traci Hines: Well you maybe have a point, besides the fact that Mischa Barton was a mermaid in "A Ring Of Endless Light" and it's not like Chloe isn't bad here it's just that I wonder what she would be given this performance (Cut to every clip of “Hit-Girl” cursing before cutting to see Traci with her head on the desk before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: NOW WHAT? (Cut to Traci)

Traci Hines: Well, I just had a bad thought run through my head of how Chloe Grace Moretz would play the Little Mermaid. (Cut to a green screened Ocean Background as we see Traci Hines as Ariel, Eliza Dushku and Rebecca Yaun as her sisters the pod.)

Ariel: So guess what, I totally made Triton flip his shit! I told him I was in love with a human and the boy was hung like a Walrus and that I’m going to the sea witch to trade this fucker out for a pair of legs and an opening to fit that bad boy!

Sister (Rebecca): Ariel, tell us you’re pulling our fins!

Sister (Eliza): If you make a deal with the sea witch it’ll pinch you in the scales.

Ariel: Well guess what you two sea-shits can’t stop me. I’m outta here! Peace Turtle Fuckers!

Sister (Rebecca): Well, she’s gonna get the shark and there isn’t a thing we can do to stop her.

Sister (Eliza): Oh Well. let’s see if we can find ourselves some mermen for ourselves!

Sister (Rebecca): Shell yeah! I hear Mermando just came back from that Gravity Falls place. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Traci, I think she’s not bad and I doubt she’d be as foul-mouthed. Cut her a break. (Cut to Traci Hines)

Traci: Alright, but if she turns out as bad a performance of a mermaid as Kelly Brook did in “Fishtales” then she’s gonna wind up with the fishes in cement fins! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Besides, she was wearing a bulletproof vest. A good idea especially since Cage has done crazy things before. (Cut to “The Wicker Man” as Nicolas Cage clocks a woman while wearing a bear suit! Before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We eventually discover Dave has decided to become a costumed hero and his first outing ends with him getting stabbed and ran over. Ouch! But after a few weeks in the hospital Dave tries again this time training himself to be better. Meanwhile one of Frank’s goons has one of his drug runners in an industrial Microwave and seeing as how Microwaves use electromagnetic & radio waves that make the water inside vibrate to the same frequency which ultimately leads to… (Guy becoming a blood splatter stain inside the microwave before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Yeesh! That is not gonna come off easily. (Cut to Paulo Fonseca at his desk.)

Paulo Fonseca: No kidding, I wouldn’t want to be the guy who has to clean that out. (Cut to the guys of Team TLOTA looking in the industrial Microwave.)

Janitor (Nick): Give you guys fifty bucks to clean it up? (The others nod to say no as Nick sighs as he walks in before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While trying to do something less strenuous and minor in scale which was retrieving a cat, a video of Dave or as he calls himself in his costume “Kick-Ass” in costume fighting off thugs becomes viral. Soon enough “Kick-Ass” has become a sensation he even inspires Nicolas Cage and his daughter to take a plan Cage had to the next level.  (Cut to the office as multiple voices say “Warping a child’s world perspective.” Before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At the request of this girl he has the hots for that’s more around his age named Katie who thinks he’s gay for some reason, Kick-Ass meets up with this gangster and it’s here we discover that maybe Nicolas Cage’s Parenting is NOT the best thing as his daughter has become… (Cut to “Hit-Girl” slaughtering everyone save for Kick-Ass then seeing him take out a missed thug that nearly killed his daughter before cutting to everyone screaming “Nicolas Cage dressing up like a knock off of a more well established Comic Book Character.” Before cutting to James at the head table.)

TLOTA: Wait a minute, who is Nicolas Cage supposed to be looking like? (Cut to scene of “Big Daddy” & “Hit-Girl” as “Big Daddy” talks before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: AW COME ON!  I JUST HAD TO TAKE ON THREE MONTHS WORTH OF BATMAN AND NOW NICOLAS CAGE IS DOING AN IMPERSONATION OF ONE?! Well, at least it’s one of the better ones. (Cut to Adam West at his desk.)

Adam West: Really which Batman is he performing as? (Cut to everyone turning and shouting “Adam West”?! before Adam West turns around and says Where?! Where is he?! Before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Mr. West, You’re Adam West and how can Nicolas Cage think he’s capable of being you when you were Batman? (Cut to Adam West)

Adam West: I’m not Batman! (Adam West pulls out a French Tri-Corner Hat.) I’M NAPOLEON! (Adam West hums “La Marseillaise” as everyone else looks disturbed as it cuts to James looking more disturbed than everyone else!)

TLOTA: Let’s keep Mr. West from doing something crazy! (Cut to Renee & John Santos)

Renee Miller: What do you mean by “DOING” something crazy?

John Santos: Op, too late he’s stripped down to his underpants (Cut to James who just sighed and lowered his head only to look at everyone)

TLOTA: We’ll be back.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After Kick-Ass, Hit Girl and Nicolas Cage who now goes by “Big Daddy” decide it’d be a good idea to unite. Frank D’Amico is stymied as to what to do next Chris decides to tell his dad his idea to get Kick-Ass. As Chris tells his dad what his plan is One of D’Amico’s men is taken out in an excruciatingly painful way after being squeezed for information by Big Daddy. (Cut to the guy having been crushed to death in his car and Hit-Girl says “What A Douche” before cutting to the office as multiple voices say “Getting information out of a guy then getting rid of him in a painful way.” Before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Wondering if his world has become as rational as Nicolas Cage’s sanity on a good day, Dave ponders whether or not to call it a day being a superhero while he and Katie do self-tanning. Not much to say there just let the images speak for itself. Meanwhile Chris D’Amico or as he’s now going by “Red Mist” announces he’s willing to help people as much as Kick-Ass can. Kick-Ass in turn decide to contact and meet Red Mist and the two become good friends. But as the two become chums, we get this backstory as to how Nicolas Cage became a single father. (Show clip of comic book backstory of Damon McCready & his daughter Mindy then the conversation between Marcus & Damon which ends on a mild freak out by Nicolas Cage in which the character played by Nicolas Cage shouts “The one who owes my daughter is FRANK D’AMICO!” before cutting to everyone else being confused before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: No it’s not a full-out Nicolas Cage freak out so it doesn’t count. (Cut to everyone just sighing a sigh of relief before cutting to Paulo, Rebecca & Nick)

Rebecca: Hey Guys how far along are you two?

Nick: One Away from winning!

Paulo: Same here!

Rebecca: Me too! (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Red Mist & Kick-Ass drive past a front company of Chris’s dad that’s being razed to the ground so the two decide to look for any survivors but nearly get roasted themselves but Red Mist is able to capture Big Daddy killing the thugs via a Teddy bear-cam! Meanwhile Dave decides he’s done being Kick-Ass! He goes to tell Katie that A) He’s not gay & B) He’s Kick-Ass! After Katie beats the bejesus out of him that is. After that Dave tells Katie this is his last hurrah as the Green Scuba suited superhero just as he and Red Mist meet Red Mist tells Kick-Ass that Frank D’Amico is on the hunt for all of them and suggest meeting up with Big Daddy & Hit-Girl in a safe house, which ends as well as anyone dressed the way Nicolas Cage is dressed as a Batman knockoff! (Show clip of Hit-Girl being shot as D’Amico’s goons grab Red Mist, Kick-Ass & Big Daddy are dragged off kicking and screaming. Before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Not yet, he’s almost ready to go into full freak-out mode! (Cut to everyone else groaning “Aw!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With Frank having captured Kick-Ass and Big Daddy he decides to air the two of them being killed on-line and everyone watches in either sick glee or horror like Katie who’s doing less than to be helpful than Mary-Jane was in all three of her Spider-Man movies by crying as Kick-Ass and Big Daddy are being beaten and then we get… (The thug is shot and the lights go down and then the shoot-out scene happens as Big Daddy is ignited and screams insanely) There we go! A Full-on out Nicolas Cage Freak-Out! (Cut to everyone screaming NICOLAS CAGE FREAK-OUT! Before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: And as a second point (Singing): Nick Cage Roasting on an open fire! (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca & Nick)

Paulo, Rebecca & Nick (In Unison): NICOLAS CAGE BINGO!

TLOTA (Audio only): Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Let me check! (James walks in frame)

TLOTA: Let me check! (James mutters) Well ladies & gentlemen, we’ve got a three-way win! (Everyone else cheer.) So how are you three going to split the pot.

Rebecca: Well, that’s easy, This Hundred dollars is going to me.

Paulo: I’ll take the Nicolas Cage library. I work at a school for the arts. Figure I could do a lecture on how NOT to act.

Nick: That leaves me Liquid I.Q. with my other job, I need it.

Film Brain (Audio only): What do we get for a consolation prize?

TLOTA: That’s easy! You guys get to watch the rest of the movie with us!  (Everyone else groan)

TLOTA, Paulo, Rebecca & Nick (In unison): SHUT UP! (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after that barrage of bullets and burning Nicolas Cage. Hit-Girl & Kick-Ass decide to clean themselves up and go back on the attack leading to one of the most insane yet entertaining moments ever committed to celluloid! (Show the moment Hit-Girl goes up against all the guards which eventually leads to Kick-Ass using a chain gun attached to a jetpack wasting every last one of the gangsters before cutting to James standing at his table)

TLOTA: And now to balance this moment of intense testosterone, I suggest we all read one chapter from a book that promotes intelligence! (James picks up a copy of War & Peace by Leo Tolstoy as everyone else reads a book of great intellectual value for five seconds before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, I can see why Charlie Brown would try to do a book report on this! (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that moment of sheer moment of awesome it’s time for the final showdown Hit-Girl vs Frank D’Amico and Kick-Ass vs Chris D’Amico! And while Chris & Kick-Ass end in a stalemate of sorts, the battle between Hit-Girl and Frank end with a whopper!

Kick-Ass: Hey! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size? (Kick-Ass hits Frank with the round out of the Bazooka as James does a voiceover)


TLOTA (Voiceover): After the two unmask themselves. The movie ends with Hit-Girl erm sorry I mean Mindy being taken under the guardianship of her father’s old partner, Dave enjoying his retirement from being Kick-Ass and as for Chris, Well….

Chris D’Amico: As a great man once said: “Wait ‘till they get a load of me!” (Still of Chris D’Amico putting on his face mask and looking into the camera as the Looney Toons end credits theme plays in the background and the red concentric circles from the opening center on the still of Chris D’Amico then at the 0:03 mark of the credits we hear “Good Call Baby Doll!” as the image of Nicolas Cage screaming in pain and immolated before the scene changes to a still of Nicolas Cage shrugging his shoulders as he holds his desert plated “Golden Eagle” in his hand as Castor Troy in “Face/Off” and the words “That’s All Folks” written in the Looney Toons cursive end credit font but in red as the rest of the end credit play before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: And that was “Kick-Ass”. It lives up to its title! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): It really surprised me that with all the hyper-insane intense craziness, the sanest actor in this movie is Nicolas Cage and that is saying a lot! But outside of Nicolas Cage everyone gives a great performance. The story is well paced, the action is the right parody of the hyper violent extreme action that was happening in the comic book this movie is based on. No wonder E-Rod gave it ten points on the Bad-Assitude meter, it earned it! Give it a watch and you won’t regret the intense fun you’ll enjoy from this! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion. (James walks up and away from the table as the time skips to one hour as James is walking around his office and hears muffled talking from his business office and walks into his business office as he notices Eliza Dushku on her Skype with Lea Michele.)

TLOTA: What’s going on here? (Cut to Eliza in front of James’ PC)

Eliza Dushku: Well… you see…that is…uh…

Lea Michele (Audio only): Is that James? (“Clara?” by Murray Gold from the 0:00-1:19 mark play in the background as James walks towards the computer.)

TLOTA: Hi! (Cut to Lea Michele)

Lea Michele: Hi! (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: So I heard that you and Matt… (Cut to Lea)

Lea Michele: We called it off and ended our relationship. (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: Oh, I’m sorry! (Cut to Lea)

Lea Michele: Don’t be, I’m not. (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: Okay. So just so you know, I knew you were The Red Devil about the third episode into “Scream Queens” (Cut to Lea)

Lea Michele: OH MY GOD! How? (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: Deductive Reasoning and I went into what I call “Adrian Monk” mentality. By the time the finale aired all the puzzle pieces were set. (Cut to Lea)

Lea Michele: Well, I hope season 2 is more of a challenge. (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: I’m sure it will be. (Cut to Lea)

Lea Michele: Well, goodbye James. (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: Goodbye.  (James with a heavy sadness on his face ends the Skype call before turning to Eliza Dushku) Paulo told me that you’ve been trying to know more about me and for you to bring her into this is something that I never wanted so I’ll ask one more time. “What is going on around here?” (Cut to Eliza Dushku)

Eliza Dushku: I want to know who you are. I’ve been trying to figure you out. Back in September I was hired by The Maven Of The Eventide to set you up to suffer “The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two” in October, A month after that I decided to be a part of your little bit of insanity and was dressed as Ursa in your “Different Cuts Of Superman II” episode, then there was December in which there was a moment I was in an alternate universe sans The Muppets in which I was part of a group of benevolent overlords. Then there was the past few months, I was Selina Kyle & Catwoman as well as myself, now I’m going to let you go to tell me, who in the hell you are James Faraci.  

TLOTA: You want to know who I am? I’m James Faraci.

Eliza Dushku: I know that! Who are you?

TLOTA: What’s the answer you’re looking for?  I’m an Internet Reviewer! I’m a Taurus! I’m an Outdoor Enthusiast! I hunt & fish! I’ve lived in Sullivan County all my life! I watch TV & Movies! I like Reading Books! I’m A Republican or in your terms A Nazi. I want to be with a woman romantically who can handle the crazy I’m prone to be a part of, especially next week!

Eliza Dushku: What’s happening next week?

TLOTA: I’m doing an Top 10 onLarry David and his because he’s become BIGGER after… (Cut to The door to James’ office as General Anesthetic passes by)

General Anesthetic: Did you just say what I think you did? (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: What did you think I said?

General Anesthetic: I think you may have dropped the N-Word in here and if you did, I’m gonna drop you like a bad habit! (Renee walks in)

Renee Miller: Who dropped an N-Word

General Anesthetic: Your racist associate James Faraci The Last Of The Americans!

Renee Miller: Did you drop an N-Word?

TLOTA: I would never say the N-Word, I said “Bigger” B-I-G-G-E-R, I would never say the N-Word it’s as vile word in the human language as is the R-Word and I’d never say that word! (Cut to Malcolm Ray outside the door coming in)

Malcolm Ray: What word?

General Anesthetic & Renee (In Unison): The N-Word

Malcolm Ray: You said the N-Word!

TLOTA: I DIDN’T SAY THE N-WORD! I WOULD NEVER SAY THE N-WORD! (“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as the conversation slowly but surely gets muted before cutting to a black background.)