Wednesday, April 6, 2016

A review that will "Kick-Ass" and take names!

(Scene starts as four cars are parked in the Parking lot as two of the cars at the end open their doors. In the car on the far right end Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Paulo Fonseca, John & Mike Santos step out and in the car on the far left end Traci Hines, Renee Miller & Eric Kurtzke step out as Eliza Dushku as she’s looking on her Smartphone steps out of the car on the left of James’s ride before the camera pans over to see James in the office finalizing a set-up as “A Good Man” by Murray Gold at the 2:00-3:21 mark plays in the background.)

Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): Typical James. (Cut to everyone else.)

Paulo Fonseca: Doing more than what anyone else does.

Rebecca Yaun: That’s James in a nutshell. Tries to give a little extra because he wants to.

Eliza Dushku: Guys I’ve been trying to find out more about him or what he talked about something, ever since our little encounter with Batman. When I searched for “The Wicked” or anything that connects him to Lea Michele and I’ve come up empty. Almost as if there was nothing about any of it? But when I find stuff on something called “Caliverti” James’ name is honored. So what is he?

John Santos: He’s James Faraci.

Mike Santos: The guy is a unique fellow. He’s willing to give you not only the shirt off his back but also get you someplace to get warm.

Eric Kurtzke: James will be the first one on a job, the last one to go home when it’s over.

Renee Miller: Yeah he’s a Republican but he’s actually not like the usual Republican. He uses common sense and is not a racist. I mean he has other Republican tropes like Hunting and Fishing.

Eliza Dushku: Wait a second! Republican?! As in Swastika wearing, Bible Thumping, Mein Kampf enjoying, Necronomicon Ex Mortis owning, demonic scum?!

Nick Yaun: That’s only the stereotype. Once you’ve been with James for a while you’ll understand him.

Traci Hines: Uh I don’t know about you but James is looking at us.

TLOTA (Audio only): What are you doing out there freezing your backsides off in the cold? (Cut to James physically at the front door)

TLOTA: Come on in! It’s warm & everything’s set up. (Cut to everyone else)

Paulo Fonseca: You heard him. Let’s get going. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Before I forget, hit that awesome new Intro!

Team TLOTA (Audio only): IT’S NOT THAT NEW!

TLOTA: Some people know how to ruin a moment.

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James as he stands in the lobby over a Bingo table for the caller.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Hey everybody, ready to play a game? (Audio of people shouting “YEAH!”) Well then, let’s play Nicolas Cage BINGO! (Cut to a still image of Nicolas Cage smiling zooming towards the center of the screen in which the words Nicolas Cage is above the image and the word Bingo under the image as old school Hollywood premiere music plays in the background before cutting to a montage of images and clips of Nicolas Cage being “Out There” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yep Good ol’ Nicolas Cage! So nutty he can’t be committed but so enjoyable, you don’t want to see him shipped off to the nut hut. I mean yeah, the guy is a good actor and has an Oscar but so does Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Mel Gibson, Christopher Walken and Leonardo DiCaprio so he’s not exactly in unique territory. But as of lately he’s become a one-man Internet Trope & Meme factory! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Which is why I’ve come up with this fun game to play while you watch one of his movies. All you do is make sure his crazy smiling face is in the center, then when either a Trope or meme of his comes up place a chip on it. Five in a row either diagonally or horizontally or even on a corner to corner angled line and you win so let’s play with one of Nicolas’ better performances which given his IMDB is saying volumes about how crazy this game is gonna be! (Cut to “Kick-Ass” trailer’s title credit scene then to clips from “Kick-Ass” as the punk cover of “The Banana Splits” from the movie play in the background as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As if having the insanity of Nicolas Cage wasn’t, we have every single hyper violent comic book trope intensified to the nth degree to the trillionth power cubed and we wind up getting a movie that is apropos and lives up to the title. (Cut to everyone else in the main lobby including Team TLOTA, Rowdy, Linkara, Film Brain and other assorted characters.)

Paulo Fonseca: You know something Nick, you did a great job on the cards.

Nick Yaun: Well, it was surprisingly, considering how many Tropes Nick Cage does it wasn’t an easy job but it was fun.

Rebecca Yaun: So what do we win, if anyone should win. (Cut to James at the head table)

TLOTA: Well, you win Nicolas Cage’s entire library of movies, a hundred dollars and a year’s supply of Liquid I.Q.! (Cut to Rowdy at his table)

Rowdy: The Liquid I.Q. was my contribution. (Cut to Film Brain)

Film Brain: No! Really! Do Ya think? (Cut to Mike J)

Mike J: We’re watching Nicolas Cage getting a paycheck for being Nicolas Cage. Of course we’re gonna need a year’s supply of Liquid I.Q. Ya twat!  (Cut to James at the head Bingo table)

TLOTA: Let’s not waste any more time, this is Kick-Ass! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the movie begins with us meeting Dave played by Aaron Taylor Johnson being invisible in school, having bizarre fantasies of his teacher, having lost his mom to a health problem and hanging out with his friends as they talk about what most people do. Superheroes. (Cut to clip of Dave and his friends talking about Superheroes before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Don’t we all do that? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We then meet Chris D’Amico played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse and his parents Frank played by Mark Strong & Angie played by Yancy Butler as they apparently do some bad things. (Cut to Frank D’Amico doing bad things to a gangster who he thinks did him wrong. Nick Yaun pondering and Paulo Fonseca on his smartphone)

Nick Yaun: Mark Strong... Why does he sound so familiar?

Paulo Fonseca: Perhaps this might jog your memory. (Hands Nick his smartphone which plays a clip of Sinestro from “Green Lantern” with Ryan Reynolds in it. Before cutting to the two of them.)

Nick Yaun: He was Sinestro? And let me guess Yancy Butler is someone I don’t know but was in something superhero related.

Paulo Fonseca: Bingo. Check out her IMDB page. (Show image of Yancy Butler’s IMDB page scrolled up to the part of her being “Witchblade” on the short lived TNT series with Nick Yaun shouting “DAMN IT!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We then meet a former police officer played by who else Nicolas Cage (A Choir sings “HALLELUJAH!” as James mutters “The Hell was that?” over the clip before continuing on with the voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Anyway Cage is with his daughter in what many would consider a normal family outing if your father was Nicolas Cage. (Show clip of Nicolas Cage firing a bullet into his character’s daughter before cutting to the office as multiple voices say “Crazy thing Nicolas Cage does as we meet his character.” Before cutting to Traci Hines.)

Traci Hines: Who plays the little girl Nicolas Cage blows away? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: That would be Chloe Grace Moretz. Surprisingly, this was her breakout role. (Cut to Traci Hines)

Traci Hines: Chloe Grace Moretz. Now where have I heard her name before? (Pulls out smartphone and taps in her name) SERIOUSLY?! (Cut to the screen as Traci screams out “SHE IS PLAYING THE LITTLE MERMAID IN THE LIVE ACTION VERSION OF “THE LITTLE MERMAID?!” before cutting to Renee Miller and John & Mike Santos)

Renee Miller: What’s wrong with her playing The Little Mermaid?

Mike Santos: She’s a fine actress.

John Santos: It could be worse. It could be someone without a hint of Talent like say…

Mike Santos: Mischa Barton?

John Santos: That’s the hack! (Cut to Traci Hines)

Traci Hines: Well you maybe have a point, besides the fact that Mischa Barton was a mermaid in "A Ring Of Endless Light" and it's not like Chloe isn't bad here it's just that I wonder what she would be given this performance (Cut to every clip of “Hit-Girl” cursing before cutting to see Traci with her head on the desk before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: NOW WHAT? (Cut to Traci)

Traci Hines: Well, I just had a bad thought run through my head of how Chloe Grace Moretz would play the Little Mermaid. (Cut to a green screened Ocean Background as we see Traci Hines as Ariel, Eliza Dushku and Rebecca Yaun as her sisters the pod.)

Ariel: So guess what, I totally made Triton flip his shit! I told him I was in love with a human and the boy was hung like a Walrus and that I’m going to the sea witch to trade this fucker out for a pair of legs and an opening to fit that bad boy!

Sister (Rebecca): Ariel, tell us you’re pulling our fins!

Sister (Eliza): If you make a deal with the sea witch it’ll pinch you in the scales.

Ariel: Well guess what you two sea-shits can’t stop me. I’m outta here! Peace Turtle Fuckers!

Sister (Rebecca): Well, she’s gonna get the shark and there isn’t a thing we can do to stop her.

Sister (Eliza): Oh Well. let’s see if we can find ourselves some mermen for ourselves!

Sister (Rebecca): Shell yeah! I hear Mermando just came back from that Gravity Falls place. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Traci, I think she’s not bad and I doubt she’d be as foul-mouthed. Cut her a break. (Cut to Traci Hines)

Traci: Alright, but if she turns out as bad a performance of a mermaid as Kelly Brook did in “Fishtales” then she’s gonna wind up with the fishes in cement fins! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Besides, she was wearing a bulletproof vest. A good idea especially since Cage has done crazy things before. (Cut to “The Wicker Man” as Nicolas Cage clocks a woman while wearing a bear suit! Before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We eventually discover Dave has decided to become a costumed hero and his first outing ends with him getting stabbed and ran over. Ouch! But after a few weeks in the hospital Dave tries again this time training himself to be better. Meanwhile one of Frank’s goons has one of his drug runners in an industrial Microwave and seeing as how Microwaves use electromagnetic & radio waves that make the water inside vibrate to the same frequency which ultimately leads to… (Guy becoming a blood splatter stain inside the microwave before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Yeesh! That is not gonna come off easily. (Cut to Paulo Fonseca at his desk.)

Paulo Fonseca: No kidding, I wouldn’t want to be the guy who has to clean that out. (Cut to the guys of Team TLOTA looking in the industrial Microwave.)

Janitor (Nick): Give you guys fifty bucks to clean it up? (The others nod to say no as Nick sighs as he walks in before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While trying to do something less strenuous and minor in scale which was retrieving a cat, a video of Dave or as he calls himself in his costume “Kick-Ass” in costume fighting off thugs becomes viral. Soon enough “Kick-Ass” has become a sensation he even inspires Nicolas Cage and his daughter to take a plan Cage had to the next level.  (Cut to the office as multiple voices say “Warping a child’s world perspective.” Before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At the request of this girl he has the hots for that’s more around his age named Katie who thinks he’s gay for some reason, Kick-Ass meets up with this gangster and it’s here we discover that maybe Nicolas Cage’s Parenting is NOT the best thing as his daughter has become… (Cut to “Hit-Girl” slaughtering everyone save for Kick-Ass then seeing him take out a missed thug that nearly killed his daughter before cutting to everyone screaming “Nicolas Cage dressing up like a knock off of a more well established Comic Book Character.” Before cutting to James at the head table.)

TLOTA: Wait a minute, who is Nicolas Cage supposed to be looking like? (Cut to scene of “Big Daddy” & “Hit-Girl” as “Big Daddy” talks before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: AW COME ON!  I JUST HAD TO TAKE ON THREE MONTHS WORTH OF BATMAN AND NOW NICOLAS CAGE IS DOING AN IMPERSONATION OF ONE?! Well, at least it’s one of the better ones. (Cut to Adam West at his desk.)

Adam West: Really which Batman is he performing as? (Cut to everyone turning and shouting “Adam West”?! before Adam West turns around and says Where?! Where is he?! Before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Mr. West, You’re Adam West and how can Nicolas Cage think he’s capable of being you when you were Batman? (Cut to Adam West)

Adam West: I’m not Batman! (Adam West pulls out a French Tri-Corner Hat.) I’M NAPOLEON! (Adam West hums “La Marseillaise” as everyone else looks disturbed as it cuts to James looking more disturbed than everyone else!)

TLOTA: Let’s keep Mr. West from doing something crazy! (Cut to Renee & John Santos)

Renee Miller: What do you mean by “DOING” something crazy?

John Santos: Op, too late he’s stripped down to his underpants (Cut to James who just sighed and lowered his head only to look at everyone)

TLOTA: We’ll be back.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After Kick-Ass, Hit Girl and Nicolas Cage who now goes by “Big Daddy” decide it’d be a good idea to unite. Frank D’Amico is stymied as to what to do next Chris decides to tell his dad his idea to get Kick-Ass. As Chris tells his dad what his plan is One of D’Amico’s men is taken out in an excruciatingly painful way after being squeezed for information by Big Daddy. (Cut to the guy having been crushed to death in his car and Hit-Girl says “What A Douche” before cutting to the office as multiple voices say “Getting information out of a guy then getting rid of him in a painful way.” Before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Wondering if his world has become as rational as Nicolas Cage’s sanity on a good day, Dave ponders whether or not to call it a day being a superhero while he and Katie do self-tanning. Not much to say there just let the images speak for itself. Meanwhile Chris D’Amico or as he’s now going by “Red Mist” announces he’s willing to help people as much as Kick-Ass can. Kick-Ass in turn decide to contact and meet Red Mist and the two become good friends. But as the two become chums, we get this backstory as to how Nicolas Cage became a single father. (Show clip of comic book backstory of Damon McCready & his daughter Mindy then the conversation between Marcus & Damon which ends on a mild freak out by Nicolas Cage in which the character played by Nicolas Cage shouts “The one who owes my daughter is FRANK D’AMICO!” before cutting to everyone else being confused before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: No it’s not a full-out Nicolas Cage freak out so it doesn’t count. (Cut to everyone just sighing a sigh of relief before cutting to Paulo, Rebecca & Nick)

Rebecca: Hey Guys how far along are you two?

Nick: One Away from winning!

Paulo: Same here!

Rebecca: Me too! (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Red Mist & Kick-Ass drive past a front company of Chris’s dad that’s being razed to the ground so the two decide to look for any survivors but nearly get roasted themselves but Red Mist is able to capture Big Daddy killing the thugs via a Teddy bear-cam! Meanwhile Dave decides he’s done being Kick-Ass! He goes to tell Katie that A) He’s not gay & B) He’s Kick-Ass! After Katie beats the bejesus out of him that is. After that Dave tells Katie this is his last hurrah as the Green Scuba suited superhero just as he and Red Mist meet Red Mist tells Kick-Ass that Frank D’Amico is on the hunt for all of them and suggest meeting up with Big Daddy & Hit-Girl in a safe house, which ends as well as anyone dressed the way Nicolas Cage is dressed as a Batman knockoff! (Show clip of Hit-Girl being shot as D’Amico’s goons grab Red Mist, Kick-Ass & Big Daddy are dragged off kicking and screaming. Before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Not yet, he’s almost ready to go into full freak-out mode! (Cut to everyone else groaning “Aw!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With Frank having captured Kick-Ass and Big Daddy he decides to air the two of them being killed on-line and everyone watches in either sick glee or horror like Katie who’s doing less than to be helpful than Mary-Jane was in all three of her Spider-Man movies by crying as Kick-Ass and Big Daddy are being beaten and then we get… (The thug is shot and the lights go down and then the shoot-out scene happens as Big Daddy is ignited and screams insanely) There we go! A Full-on out Nicolas Cage Freak-Out! (Cut to everyone screaming NICOLAS CAGE FREAK-OUT! Before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: And as a second point (Singing): Nick Cage Roasting on an open fire! (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca & Nick)

Paulo, Rebecca & Nick (In Unison): NICOLAS CAGE BINGO!

TLOTA (Audio only): Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Let me check! (James walks in frame)

TLOTA: Let me check! (James mutters) Well ladies & gentlemen, we’ve got a three-way win! (Everyone else cheer.) So how are you three going to split the pot.

Rebecca: Well, that’s easy, This Hundred dollars is going to me.

Paulo: I’ll take the Nicolas Cage library. I work at a school for the arts. Figure I could do a lecture on how NOT to act.

Nick: That leaves me Liquid I.Q. with my other job, I need it.

Film Brain (Audio only): What do we get for a consolation prize?

TLOTA: That’s easy! You guys get to watch the rest of the movie with us!  (Everyone else groan)

TLOTA, Paulo, Rebecca & Nick (In unison): SHUT UP! (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after that barrage of bullets and burning Nicolas Cage. Hit-Girl & Kick-Ass decide to clean themselves up and go back on the attack leading to one of the most insane yet entertaining moments ever committed to celluloid! (Show the moment Hit-Girl goes up against all the guards which eventually leads to Kick-Ass using a chain gun attached to a jetpack wasting every last one of the gangsters before cutting to James standing at his table)

TLOTA: And now to balance this moment of intense testosterone, I suggest we all read one chapter from a book that promotes intelligence! (James picks up a copy of War & Peace by Leo Tolstoy as everyone else reads a book of great intellectual value for five seconds before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, I can see why Charlie Brown would try to do a book report on this! (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that moment of sheer moment of awesome it’s time for the final showdown Hit-Girl vs Frank D’Amico and Kick-Ass vs Chris D’Amico! And while Chris & Kick-Ass end in a stalemate of sorts, the battle between Hit-Girl and Frank end with a whopper!

Kick-Ass: Hey! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size? (Kick-Ass hits Frank with the round out of the Bazooka as James does a voiceover)


TLOTA (Voiceover): After the two unmask themselves. The movie ends with Hit-Girl erm sorry I mean Mindy being taken under the guardianship of her father’s old partner, Dave enjoying his retirement from being Kick-Ass and as for Chris, Well….

Chris D’Amico: As a great man once said: “Wait ‘till they get a load of me!” (Still of Chris D’Amico putting on his face mask and looking into the camera as the Looney Toons end credits theme plays in the background and the red concentric circles from the opening center on the still of Chris D’Amico then at the 0:03 mark of the credits we hear “Good Call Baby Doll!” as the image of Nicolas Cage screaming in pain and immolated before the scene changes to a still of Nicolas Cage shrugging his shoulders as he holds his desert plated “Golden Eagle” in his hand as Castor Troy in “Face/Off” and the words “That’s All Folks” written in the Looney Toons cursive end credit font but in red as the rest of the end credit play before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: And that was “Kick-Ass”. It lives up to its title! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): It really surprised me that with all the hyper-insane intense craziness, the sanest actor in this movie is Nicolas Cage and that is saying a lot! But outside of Nicolas Cage everyone gives a great performance. The story is well paced, the action is the right parody of the hyper violent extreme action that was happening in the comic book this movie is based on. No wonder E-Rod gave it ten points on the Bad-Assitude meter, it earned it! Give it a watch and you won’t regret the intense fun you’ll enjoy from this! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion. (James walks up and away from the table as the time skips to one hour as James is walking around his office and hears muffled talking from his business office and walks into his business office as he notices Eliza Dushku on her Skype with Lea Michele.)

TLOTA: What’s going on here? (Cut to Eliza in front of James’ PC)

Eliza Dushku: Well… you see…that is…uh…

Lea Michele (Audio only): Is that James? (“Clara?” by Murray Gold from the 0:00-1:19 mark play in the background as James walks towards the computer.)

TLOTA: Hi! (Cut to Lea Michele)

Lea Michele: Hi! (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: So I heard that you and Matt… (Cut to Lea)

Lea Michele: We called it off and ended our relationship. (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: Oh, I’m sorry! (Cut to Lea)

Lea Michele: Don’t be, I’m not. (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: Okay. So just so you know, I knew you were The Red Devil about the third episode into “Scream Queens” (Cut to Lea)

Lea Michele: OH MY GOD! How? (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: Deductive Reasoning and I went into what I call “Adrian Monk” mentality. By the time the finale aired all the puzzle pieces were set. (Cut to Lea)

Lea Michele: Well, I hope season 2 is more of a challenge. (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: I’m sure it will be. (Cut to Lea)

Lea Michele: Well, goodbye James. (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: Goodbye.  (James with a heavy sadness on his face ends the Skype call before turning to Eliza Dushku) Paulo told me that you’ve been trying to know more about me and for you to bring her into this is something that I never wanted so I’ll ask one more time. “What is going on around here?” (Cut to Eliza Dushku)

Eliza Dushku: I want to know who you are. I’ve been trying to figure you out. Back in September I was hired by The Maven Of The Eventide to set you up to suffer “The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two” in October, A month after that I decided to be a part of your little bit of insanity and was dressed as Ursa in your “Different Cuts Of Superman II” episode, then there was December in which there was a moment I was in an alternate universe sans The Muppets in which I was part of a group of benevolent overlords. Then there was the past few months, I was Selina Kyle & Catwoman as well as myself, now I’m going to let you go to tell me, who in the hell you are James Faraci.  

TLOTA: You want to know who I am? I’m James Faraci.

Eliza Dushku: I know that! Who are you?

TLOTA: What’s the answer you’re looking for?  I’m an Internet Reviewer! I’m a Taurus! I’m an Outdoor Enthusiast! I hunt & fish! I’ve lived in Sullivan County all my life! I watch TV & Movies! I like Reading Books! I’m A Republican or in your terms A Nazi. I want to be with a woman romantically who can handle the crazy I’m prone to be a part of, especially next week!

Eliza Dushku: What’s happening next week?

TLOTA: I’m doing an Top 10 onLarry David and his because he’s become BIGGER after… (Cut to The door to James’ office as General Anesthetic passes by)

General Anesthetic: Did you just say what I think you did? (Cut to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: What did you think I said?

General Anesthetic: I think you may have dropped the N-Word in here and if you did, I’m gonna drop you like a bad habit! (Renee walks in)

Renee Miller: Who dropped an N-Word

General Anesthetic: Your racist associate James Faraci The Last Of The Americans!

Renee Miller: Did you drop an N-Word?

TLOTA: I would never say the N-Word, I said “Bigger” B-I-G-G-E-R, I would never say the N-Word it’s as vile word in the human language as is the R-Word and I’d never say that word! (Cut to Malcolm Ray outside the door coming in)

Malcolm Ray: What word?

General Anesthetic & Renee (In Unison): The N-Word

Malcolm Ray: You said the N-Word!

TLOTA: I DIDN’T SAY THE N-WORD! I WOULD NEVER SAY THE N-WORD! (“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini plays as the conversation slowly but surely gets muted before cutting to a black background.)

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