Behind The Scenes & Bloopers: Jem & The Holograms

(Scene starts in The main lobby at James' office as everyone is prepping to shoot as James is looking on his Mini Tablet.)

Eric Kurtzke (Audio only): So James, what are you checking out?

James Faraci: I just saw something that made feel several mental synapsis just explode.

Eliza Dushku (Off-Camera): What is it?

James Faraci: It's one of your old Co-Stars from "Bring it on" doing a cover of "Turning Japanese" Kirsten Dunst I think is the one? (Eliza walks into the frame)

Eliza Dushku: Well she did say she was thinking about recording some music, this ought to be something wicked good. (Cut to a black background with the following in white text "Day one of filming was scrapped due to sever temporary mental loss!"  before cutting to James walking out of his ride as the instrumental to "Combine Harvester" by The Wurtzels play in the background.)

James Faraci (Audio only): So yesterday I ROYALLY FUCKED UP and because of that we lost an entire friggin' day of filming. So we're going to have to double up on everything. We're going to be filming the Pick Up Intro, Pick Up Outro, ALL of Traci's work as Synergy and ALL of the Pick Up Scenes. Tomorrow I'm shooting the bulk of the review leaving me NO time whatsoever for mistakes. Any bloopers that'll happen will probably happen naturally, so let's do it! (Cut to the outside of the Green Screen room where Olivia Horvath is setting up her Make-up Equipment.)

James Faraci (Audio only): So Olivia, we have everything set up, the Costume, Wig and Headband courtesy of Traci Hines and the make-up combination true to the animated series character of Synergy.

Olivia Horvath: Well it was hard but Renee and Traci helped me find the rest of the colors that I needed and I got the specialty contact lenses. But that of course will be AFTER you film the finale in which Traci demolishes the DVD, right?

James Faraci (Audio only): Actually I got two copies of the movie. One was completely unwatchable and the other one played fine but it was a pile of shit so both copies are going to get what I call The "Nostalgia Critic Neverending Story 3" ending combined with The Blockbuster Buster's "Dungeons & Dragons" ending.

Olivia Horvath: What does both of those endings entail?

James Faraci (Audio only): It involves destroying the movie. While The Nostalgia Critic went to town on The Neverending Story 3 and getting very disturbing, and in The Blockbuster Buster's "Dungeons & Dragons" review it involves the character of Nerdlinger... You know what in fact let me pull both of them up on my Mini Tablet so you know what I'm trying to say. (Cut to James piling up a pile of cinderblocks so it'd work perfectly with both James and Traci and John Santos films.)

John Santos (Audio only): So I'm filming James and Traci's mental breakdown in which she takes out her anger on these two discs with this mallet to look like a smaller version of Thor's Hammer courtesy of our resident prop master Nick Yaun in which it looks like James is about to demolish them when Traci grabs the thing and just demolishes it and Traci, you look like you have some trepidations towards the scene.

Traci Hines: Well, to tell the truth, I wasn't angry I didn't get into the movie or the video I did with my friends didn't get to be a part of it.

James Faraci (Audio only from a distance): Well, the way I wrote it is that you're upset as a fan of the show.

Traci Hines: Right (Camera pans over to James)

James Faraci: So this is A Cathartic Release of energy demolishing the damned thing.

Traci Hines (Audio only from a distance): Oh, I get it. This is me just destroying it in the name of the actual series. (Traci walks into frame)

Traci Hines: So when I scream "I'm raping the movie!" it's me that is the fan of the series just giving it the anger of it not being like the series I grew up watching.

James Faraci: Pretty much. (Cut to James holding the camera pointed onto the wall)

James Faraci (Audio only): Okay everyone, Quiet please! And Action! (James laughs insanely as he nearly drops the camera as he pans down the sign.) We'll work that out in post. (Cut to the camera looking at James.)

John Santos (Audio only): So we're ready?

James Faraci: As ready as we'll ever be. AND Action. What the...?

Traci Hines (Audio only): SCUM SUCKING GARBAGE GOBLING WHORE!  (Traci begins to use the weapon when five slams in the head of the hammer is knocked off and James groans and says "Cut" before cutting to James getting strapped down)

Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): So I'm about to learn more about the romantic exploits between my sister and brother in law than I ever wanted to know. So Nick, you and my sister are about to be shown in possibly the most disturbing light ever. (Nick chuckles as he reads his lines to himself.)

Nick Yaun: Trust me James' fantasies about me and Rebecca are so far off base even I can't come up with a word to describe how his thoughts about what happens between me and Rebecca in the bedroom. (Cut to James getting strapped down and sitting down and everyone saying their lines and Eliza drops the key in her shirt and she gasps in shock and James shouts Cut! before cutting to James taking care of Eliza Dushku)

Eric Kurtzke (Audio only): So what the hell happened?

James Faraci: Well someone put the prop key into the freezer and I know I didn't do it because I let someone know when I'm gonna prank them 24 hours in advance so they can prepare for ANYTHING but this has another person's signature and usually if it's so on the fly it has to be either you, John or Mike because Paulo, Rebecca, Renee or Nick gives twelve hour notice Eliza or Traci would give us an hour's warning. (Cut to another take in which Eliza Dushku drops the key into her shirt and as she adjusts her shirt and says "Honk! Honk!" and everyone laughs uncontrollably before cutting to Traci as she screams and shouts before she starts laughing uncontrollably and James says Cut before cutting to Traci says her lines and accidentally smacking James in the face and everyone laughs behind the camera as James says cut before cutting to see Traci's smack having a bit of an effect.)

James Faraci: Minor Nose Bleed hadn't had one in a few years but it happens when you get smacked hard.

Traci Hines: I think I broke something on your nose. (Cut to James as he gets strapped down and film the review and everyone walks away as Nick says "Let's take a break after we tie him up" and everyone walks away leaving James tied up.)

James Faraci: Funny guys! Very funny! Hey I know I cost us a day's filming but this isn't the way to get back at me! Guys! Guys! GUYS! (James sighs) I brought this upon myself.

Bloopers & Behind The Scenes: Ghostbusters 2016 review

(Scene starts with Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath in a Green Screen room)

James Faraci (Audio only): Okay, everybody ready, quiet on the set! Quiet everyone!  Olivia, Renee you two ready? And ACTION!

(Renee Smacks Olivia while saying her lines and accidentally slaps her in the face so hard it shakes the footage before James shouts "Cut!" before cutting to James getting to the studio as the instrumental of "Combine Harvester" plays in the background)

James Faraci: We're doing a behind the scenes and bloopers for my review of the Ghostbusters 2016 movie and I just came from seeing it with my mom and writing this review so this is probably the fastest turn around I've done on watching and writing a movie for a review I've done EVER! Um! Phew! Thankfully Phelan and Allison are in town for the next couple of days because I need all the friggin' help I can get. (Cut to the inside of James' studio's backroom as Olivia Horvath preps the members of James' team in being Ghosts.)

James Faraci (Audio only): Hi Phelan! Hi Allison!

Phelan Porteous: Hi James

Allison Pregler: So this is... What? A Behind The Scenes type of thing?

James Faraci (Audio only): Sort of. I'm also tossing in some bloopers in it as well.

Olivia Horvath: You know you have to get into this stuff as well.

James Faraci (Audio only):  I'm aware! (Cut to Olivia putting James in his Ghostly Makeup as Mike Santos films using James' Camera)

James Faraci: So I just shaved my stubble for this review and Olivia is about to do the magnificent Voodoo that she can do so well! (Sped up footage of James' make up transformation before the footage returns to normal speed)

Mike Santos (Audio Only): So how are you doing right now?

James Faraci: I'm okay, I just need Olivia and Traci's professional opinion. (Olivia and Traci come in as James looks in the mirror.) So Olivia, would these shades look good on her when we turn her into Synergy from the Classic Jem series?

Olivia Horvath: I actually was going to use a different palate of colors for her transformation into Synergy.

James Faraci: Oh okay, I just thought it would...

Olivia Horvath: Make my job easier?

James Faraci: Thinking that. Yeah! (James films again as Allison Pregler is going through having the makeup & appliances put on her.)

James Faraci (Audio only):  So Allison is going to be sliming Eliza, Traci & Olivia who will make her acting debut on "The Last Of The Americans" reviews as both Melissa McCarthy's Character and our Lindsay Nagel Q5 Focus Group person who will be unfortunately feeling the Wrath of Phelan over there.

Olivia Horvath: Well why am I going to be feeling "Phelan's Wrath"?

James Faraci (Audio only): PHELAN! GET OVER HERE NOW! TELL OLIVIA WHY YOUR WRATH WILL BE FELT BY HER LINDSAY NAGEL Q5 EXEC! (Phelan talks loud enough as he walks to James, Olivia and Allison)

Phelan Porteous: Well, ABC who was showing "The Real Ghostbusters" on their Saturday Morning Line-Up was doing well ratings wise when they made this biggest dumbass move in the history of dumbass moves ever by allowing a Focus Group to fix what wasn't broken. The name of the company was Q5 and they came up with a lot of Dumbass moves like in making Winston the Driver and giving Janine rounded glasses because they thought the glasses were too sharp and would scare kids.

Olivia Horvath: Bullshit!

Phelan: Yeah, that was bullshit and to be honest James I did also say that Bill Murray was the reason Lorenzo Music left not Q5.

James Faraci (Audio only): Well, I'd be willing to bet my last dollar that Q5 had their dirty hand in hiring Dave Coulier as Peter Venkman instead of working something out between Lorenzo and Bill. But here's the thing I've got no hate for Dave, I think he was doing it not out of spite of Lorenzo but just for a paycheck. I don't blame him for having Winston's mentality when it came to being on this show.

Allison Pregler: If there is a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe in anything you say.

James Faraci (Audio Only): Pretty much (Cut to James and everyone else at a theater.)

James Faraci (Audio Only): We're at the theater that I saw "Ghostbusters Answer The Call" and... I talked to the manager. We've got an hour and a half to film what we need to and if we get done early I would get us a chance to see "Ghostbusters: Answer The Call" again in 3D. So everyone, we kind of need to be on our A-Game, be totally professional. (Cut to James with a green mask over his face)

James Faraci: Okay Phelan, Are we ready?

Phelan Porteous (Audio only): We're ready and Action! (James takes five steps and nearly trips over himself.)

James Faraci: We'll pick up and edit out the mistake (James continues to walk forward and gets it in.) Okay I think we got it. (Cut to James and everyone at Team TLOTA preparing to use their proton packs when James' Proton wand falls apart.)

James Faraci: Okay, CUT! (Cut to three minutes later as James is using clear repair tape to repair his Proton pack's wand)

Phelan Porteous (Audio only): So what happened James?

James Faraci: Well I slammed the wand a little too hard and it broke in half the break was a clean break thankfully it's an easy fix and we'll get at it in a minute. (Cut to a black screen with white text that says "We got everything just under the wire and got a chance to see Ghostbusters. James was the only one who gave the movie the attention it deserved for the review. Cutting to James, Eliza, Allison, Mike, Nick & Eric outside of the studio)

Allison Pregler (Audio only): Is this a take on Doug's Meninsts from the "Mad Max" review?

James Faraci: Something like that. So Eliza, Unzip your uniform for a three count and when I say action you're gonna come up and Zip up and say your lines. One second, what are you three talking about? (Eric walks over and a countdown from ten to one and the words "James thinks Eric's crazy in:" over the numbers.)

Eric Kurtzke: We were wondering how far down she should go. We don't need to see her Mormon Underwear. The Ceremonial underwear that all Mormons wear.

James Faraci: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Seriously, What is going on in that head of yours. Actually Eliza! You're a Mormon right?

Eliza Dushku: Yeah and to answer the question, we do have Ceremonial Underwear we wear at Church and at every special event.

James Faraci: I think I may need to be committed after this. (Cut to the Green Screen room as Eliza and Olivia are on a set of uneven boards as Eliza tries to pull out her Proton wand when it falls apart and James shouts "CUT!")

Nick Yaun (Audio only): What happened?

James Faraci (Audio only): The wand fell apart.

Nick Yaun (Audio only): I'm on it. (Cut to James in his chair dressed as the Dean of the University)

James Faraci: So I'm about to get my man marbles hit again. It's been a few months since the last time.

Phelan Porteous (Audio only): So While I have this moment of sanity and this seems rather harsh. Looking at this objectively, I have to ask if this is crazy.

James Faraci: Probably as sane as being on a Romantic Reality Show and Eliza, I won't hold you responsible if you wreck my junk. (Eliza and Phelous laugh before cutting to see Paulo Fonseca dressing up as The Mayor and Brenda Zamora giving him a kiss and Rebecca Yaun as The Mayor's Aide and Nick dressing up like Thor.)

James Faraci (Audio Only): So by the time this review and behind the scenes bit is done, You two will be married and again I wish I could go but I've got responsibilities. I do wish you the best but Paulo can I give you a suggestion to throw a little like Ricardo Montalban into your performance because when I heard Andy Garcia's Mayor I heard a bit of Ricardo in his inflections and his performance.

Paulo Fonseca: Awesome and I heard you had a problem with my sister.

James Faraci (Audio Only): Getting her a role, I didn't know if you would've been a better Kristin Wiig or Melissa McCarthy so I chose a lesser evil to put you as the Mayor's Aide and bring Olivia Horvath to be Melissa McCarthy and Eliza Dushku play Kristin Wiig so I had to make that tough decision. The only easy casting choice was Nick because Nick does look like Chris Hemsworth and I originally thought about not dressing him up as Thor but Nick what was your conclusion?

Nick Yaun: Thought that might be a subtle nod to Chris Hemsworth.

James Faraci (Audio Only): And I think it works. (Cut to Eliza, Olivia, Renee, Traci & John in the green screen room as John jumps back and speaks in tongues, screams in pain and says “Adieb! Adieb! Adieb! THAT’S ALL FOLKS!” and Everyone laughs before cutting to James, Phelous, Nick, John, Mike, Eric, Allison, Rebecca & Renee on top of a scaffold.)

James Faraci (Audio only): Are you guys filming down there?

Eliza Dushku (From a distance): We're filming and the Camera is protected.

James Faraci (Audio only): Okay, On Three I'll shout action and we slime you guys. Ready and One, Two, Three and... ACTION! (Everyone dumps the slime onto Eliza, Traci & Olivia before cutting to the aftermath.)

James Faraci (Audio Only): So how are you three holding up?

Olivia Horvath: Well since I've got Slime in places I never thought possible I can honestly say that getting slimed sucks! (Cut to James looking around where some crazy noises are coming from before James opens the door to the green room and seeing all the girls Lip Synching to "I Don't Care" by Icona Pop before James puts the camera on himself.)

James Faraci: Yeah, we just finished, they deserve it. (Cut to black)

The "Mystery" of The Crossover Co Written by Gus Webb & Chris Lee Moore

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Rowdy, Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and The Nostalgia Kid, Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to a table where Piano music is heard playing the MST3K theme song and a plethora of food with Ham, Cheese & Turkey, with fruit and veggies is spread colorfully before the camera pans to the head of Jack Perkins played by Eric Kurtzke is resting on the end of the table before standing upright)

Jack Perkins: Hello, I’m Jack Perkins and I would like to introduce you to this fabulous review of the movie “Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie” as done by Gus Webb “The Nostalgia Kid”, Chris Lee Moore “The Rowdy Reviewer” Grrr the guy is crazy (Jack chuckles) and finally….

TLOTA (Audio only): Bar’s fully stocked

Jack Perkins: Oh Goodie! Goodie! I think I’ll make my usual five o’clock cocktail. (Camera turns to James)

TLOTA: Some people…. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. As you can tell, I’m having a little celebration. Rowdy’s on his way, everyone else is back from sabbatical and I have certain family members whose birthday is around the corner and as an added bonus I’m celebrating the return of The Satellite Of Love as Mystery Science Theater 3000 returns to the airwaves. As a matter of fact, I asked everyone to come with a bad movie they all like to riff on for fun as a party game. (The Nostalgia Kid and Rowdy pop in from out of nowhere via Jeannie blink)

The Nostalgia Kid: I brought The 1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie for us to riff.

Rowdy: And I brought The godawful insult to the 80s that is the Jem & the Holograms movie. (turns to camera) Which just might be the subject of a three-way crossover review with Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero coming this Labor Day and viewed at rowdyc.com…

TLOTA: This isn’t a DX promo dude, cut it out! Anyway, sure those are good choices. But it’s not a bad movie riffing party without “Fishtales” (Rowdy groans as The Nostalgia Kid goes ooh!)

Rowdy: Not that movie again!

The Nostalgia Kid: Well I have yet to see it, this might be a fun one to riff on.

ORAC (Audio only): ALERT! A signal is trying to make contact to us.

TLOTA: Patch it through! (Static breaks to see Professor Hiram Stupidiot laughing maniacally before cutting to the three looking)

Rowdy & TLOTA (In Unison): STUPIDIOT!

Nostalgia Kid: Who?

TLOTA: A Continual pain in the tuchus for Rowdy. (Cut to Stupidiot.)

Professor Stupidiot: That is right James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Rowdy and friend! (Cut to James, Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid)

The Nostalgia Kid: Actually I’m The Nostalgia Kid. (Cut to Stupidiot)

Professor Hiram Stupidiot: Well whoever you are you are about to join them in here this satellite that’ll stay in Geosynchronistic orbit for the next fifty years or when I take over the entire Tri County Metroplex and you’ll have nothing but bad movies and TV Shows to watch while you stay up there. (Professor Stupidiot laughs maniacally until a voice off screen yells at Stupidiot to shut up when Dr. Plotsz played by Paulo Fonseca appears from Stage Left)

Dr. Plostz: Ach Du Lieber!  I AM TRYING TO VORK HERE! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)

TLOTA: DR. PLOTSZ?! What are you doing there? (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)

Dr. Plotsz: Vell Herr Faraci, I vas given quite a bit of money to build Ze Satellite and I developed quite a few movies and TV show ideas.

Stupidiot: I loved the one in which there was a scientist who sent a low level employee into outer space who made robots to keep him sane as he watches bad movies that once repeated over & over again which will reduce the mind to the consistency of rotten vegetables so the Mad Scientist can take over the WORLD! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)

TLOTA: Do you two want to join me or…? (Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid nod yes.)

TLOTA, Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy (In unison): THAT’S MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000! (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)

Stupidiot: Well speak of the devil and he will appear because before I launch the three of you into space, I’ve got something for the three of you to watch. (Stupidiot cackles as he pulls out the Mystery Science Theater 3000 the Movie DVD before cutting to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Wait a second? (Cut to Stupidiot’s hand holding the case for Mystery Science Theater 3000 the movie)

Nostalgia Kid (Audio only): Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie?! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically)

Nostalgia Kid: HOLY CRAP! Let’s do this! (Cut to clips of the movie as James, Rowdy and The Nostalgia Kid do voiceovers)

Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): I briefly made mention to this on my tribute to Mystery Science Theater 3000 but this bears a full on out review. But I think what makes this show great is that it makes fun of a bad movie and we get to revel in the joy of it.

Rowdy (Voiceover): Well that’s because Mystery Science Theater 3000 is required watching if you become an internet reviewer and the movie just feels like the crash course before the starter class.

TLOTA (Voiceover): But will the movie live up to the show or will it wind up getting itself riffed apart. (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically)

TLOTA: So let’s find out… (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)

Stupidiot: NOT SO FAST! If you’re going to review this movie, you must do it properly as I send you the movie! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically as Movie Alarm Klaxons blare)

Nostalgia Kid: MOVIE SIGN! (James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid scream and run around which causes James to get dizzy.)

TLOTA: Which way do I go George? Which way do I go?

Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid (Pointing in different directions): THIS WAY! (James shakes Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid’s hands)

TLOTA: Gee Thanks a lot George! Thanks a lot! (All three fall down as the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center splits in half as the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the movie being shown with a theater silhouette with The Nostalgia Kid being the third one down the center, Rowdy sitting next to him and James sitting at the end)

TLOTA (in Silhouette): As I was trying to say this is Mystery Science Theater 3000 The movie. So the movie opens up in Deep 13 where we meet Dr. Clayton Forrester played by Trace Beaulieu as he exposits on what he has done and what he plans to do to you guessed it take over the world. (Show Clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji in “Mind Of Mencia” saying “Oh, Of Course.”)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): And what is his plan to take over the world by showing us the same bad movie until our collective I.Q. is at the same level of Tapioca Pudding. Now is it me or is something missing?

Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well TV’s Frank had left the season before and Pearl by this point hadn’t been introduced in the continuity of where the movie was at with the series so in the movie he was flying solo. It’s here he tells us that he thinks he has found the perfect movie to reduce our collective intelligence to that of Tapioca Pudding with “This Island Earth” and plans on testing it on those trapped on the “Satellite Of Love” and speaking about the “Satellite Of Love” we soon go inside as we’re introduced to Mike Nelson played by Michael J. Nelson as we see him getting his daily workout in. (Rowdy & James hum “Gonna Fly Now” as Mike runs on the treadmill for a few seconds before cutting to a glowing eye)

Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): I’m Sorry Dave but I cannot allow you to Jeopardize this movie!

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Actually that’s Gypsy performed by the director of the movie Jim Mallon as Gypsy tells him what’s on the itinerary for the day and gives him the report, Tom Servo played by Kevin Murphy and as far as I’m concerned the best one as he lets Mike know that Crow is trying to break them out of the Satellite. But How? (The scene in which Crow tries to pick out the bottom of the hull is shown as all three in Silhouette say Cha-Cha-Cha as the pick hits the hull)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Actually that wasn’t a smart move on Crow’s part because… (Show moment in which The Hull is breached and Tom Servo is being pulled into the vacuum of space as the three react with NO! TOM! NO! TOM SERVO! Until Tom’s Hover skirt covers the circumference of the hole in the outer hull as James, Rowdy and Nostalgia Kid sigh a sigh of relief.)

Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): Fortunately, the helmet worn by Crow T. Robot who is also performed by Trace Beaulieu is big enough to patch the hole so Tom Servo could get free and just in time for Dr. Forrester to torture the three of them kneel and Crow to speak in tongues and tell them the movie they’ve got to see. (Show the moment in which they get the movie sign and the entryway to the theater)

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Is it me or is the entryway to the theater in the series better than the one in the movie.

Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy (in Silhouette): Eh, A little.

Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): And from here on out, we’re getting two movies for one. Not a bad deal if I say so.

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Not at all as we check out “This Island Earth” with Mike, Crow & Servo. Now do you two understand why we’re on the left. (Show the movie as Mike, Crow & Servo riff the movie as James, Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid look on)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): You know I wonder why didn’t this movie succeed at the box office the way it should’ve.

TLOTA (in Silhouette): Well, from what I read the same promoters and the company that released this movie released and promoted Pamela Anderson’s movie “Barb Wire” the same weekend guess where the money to promote this movie went to?

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Cocaine?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): That and Pamela Anderson’s T&A fest!

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Well that just makes it a BIGGER frack-up that the Nostalgia Critic didn’t use the “tried to kill me with a forklift” joke!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): But the joke was on them because more people were in theaters to see this movie than Pamela’s movie and here’s a missed joke opportunity.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Where? When?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): When Dr. Cal Meacham in “This Island Earth” is in his jet and is having landing problems and the jet is surrounded by Green Energy. What type of superhero emits Green Energy?

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Oh, I got it now Deadpool!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): I’m not gonna talk to you until after the break! At any rate after Dr. Meacham builds the Interocitor with his assistant Joe they meet with a person named Exeter in “This Island Earth” our heroes riff on their soon to be home at the time.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Oh yeah, after Season 7 Trace Beaulieu left the series and Comedy Central gave it the axe only for Sci-Fi Channel to pick it up and since I said that I guess I have to comply with IRU regulations don’t I?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Yep! ORAC! Hit it! (Play the clip of The Joker shouting “If You have to explain the joke, THERE IS NO JOKE! Before cutting back to the three in silhouette watching the movie.)

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette) And just as the three get really into the groove the movie breaks. (James’ Cell phone rings.)

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Hello!

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): He has a Cell Phone? And the ringtone is “Go Go Power Rangers?”

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Trust me I rode him for that.

TLOTA (Points to Rowdy In Silhouette): Well, Yours is the theme from “The Dukes Of Hazzard”! ORAC! Pause the movie where “This Island Earth” broke.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): What happened?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): There’s Chaos back in the studio and I’ve got to deal with it. (James walks out)

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Want to see what all the hubbub is all about?

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Do I?!  (Cut to the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center as it closes)

TLOTA: What in the Sam hill is going on around here?

Paulo Fonseca: In a word…. CHAOS!

Rebecca Yaun: After Jack got into the bar he got so blotto he hit on everything in a skirt, including Eliza.

TLOTA: What? Where is Jack now?

Eliza Dushku: Currently in a cage sleeping off being beaten like a government mule! Oh by the way the Pizza you promised didn’t deliver!

TLOTA: Who ordered the Pizza?!

Renee: I did, I found a place that was closer than the one your Brother in laws’ family runs and it was cheaper.

TLOTA: Where did you order from?

Renee: Torgo’s Pizza?

(Everyone groans)

TLOTA: Renee! Torgo’s Pizza is a chain franchise. I HATE Chain Franchise Pizzas they all taste the same! There is a reason I choose my brother in laws’ pizza over the Chain Franchise. FLAVOR! And the fact the money stays in local business owners hands to improve their business and doesn’t pay for another corporate higher-up yacht’s down payment!

(Torgo’s theme from “Manos: The Hands Of Fate” plays as Torgo played by Nick Yaun ambles in)

Torgo: Heere are your Pizzas. Thaat will be sixty-five dollars.

TLOTA: Here’s eighty, keep the change!

Torgo: Thank you so very much sir. Let me get the complimentary Garlic Knots.

Everyone else: NOO!

TLOTA: Just get back on delivery schedule.

Torgo: Very Well then, before I go the master wanted you to have these coupons for the Pizza Buffet. He wanted you to have them, but I am giving you them to you. Have a Nice day! (Torgo ambles away as his theme plays in the background before the door closes and the theme ends.)

TLOTA: I’m going to have to sterilize that door knob and anything else he touched before I let anyone else touch it. Anyone else got good news?

John Santos: I had to drop The Wrestling Mark like a bad habit he was just getting more and more belligerent.

 (“Pitch” from “Santa Claus” pop jump cuts in played by Mike Santos)

TLOTA: Wha… How did you get in here?

Pitch: Oh I’m one of Jack Perkins’s plus Ones

TLOTA: How many Plus Ones did Jack Perkins invite?

Pitch: Well there was me and one other person. (A fluty piece is heard as Mr. B Natural played by Traci Hines pop jump cuts in as Rowdy and The Nostalgia Kid scream in terror and James Grabs them)

Mr. B Natural: Hello everybody! Mr. B Natural at your service, as natural a B as you’ll ever see! Knew your fathers I did! And don’t think I wasn’t in the garden with Mr. & Mrs. Adam.

Rowdy: I don’t know about you but this party is insane! We need some order! Let’s take a break!

TLOTA: Good Idea!

Mr. B Natural: A Super idea! And in the break I’ll awaken the spirit of music in you and in you and in you and in all of you! You’ll feel like a happy king! And we’ll have Fun! Fun! FUN!

(Mr. B Natural raises its right leg over its head as James, Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy nervously chuckle and say “That’s nice, That’s really nice” Before the three shout “MOM!” as loud as they can before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as and the three of them shouting “MOM!” continues as the commercial break intro fades to black and then cut to the return as the movie is being shown with a theater silhouette as The Nostalgia Kid being the third one down the center, Rowdy sitting next to him and James sitting at the end)

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Thank god for that commercial break.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): It was a miracle that everything is under control again.

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Well, let’s get back to the review. As Dr. Forrester tries to fix the movie we discover that Mike is instrument rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator and that Gypsy is the one robot who keeps the Satellite flying but when Mike tries, he hit the Hubble! Hmm Subtle.

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): What? What was subtle?

TLOTA (In Silhouette): When Mike unleashed the Manipulator Arms it was Torgo’s theme, and who played Torgo in MST3K.

Rowdy (In Silhouette):  Mike Nelson and before he was the host Mike was quite the utility player.

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well yeah, aside from Torgo, he was also Michael Finestein, the colossus from those Burt I Gordon movies that were on MST3K, Jack Perkins, the list goes on & on!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Well aside from some cosmetic damage it seems like it’s still good. (The Hubble falls from the sky before cutting to an image of the four kids from South Park as the Hubble crashes onto Kenny)

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In unison): Never mind! (The movie cuts back in.)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Well “This Island Earth” is repaired as the three head back to the theater. Though I do have to ask why “This Island Earth” I mean yeah there was good riffing material outside of this movie.

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well I think it had to be because Universal was the distributors and a caveat for Universal distributing this movie was for the team at Best Brains & MST3K to have them riff on one of their B-Movies and “This Island Earth” just seemed right in their wheel house. Oh by the by Paramount one of the Parent Companies of Comedy Central were also planning a movie but it would’ve brought Joel back and been like a pilot episode type of thing with Paramount having the right to recast parts with actors at their discretion. But after Tom Servo spills he has an Interocitor somewhere in his part of the Satellite and the three of them leaves the movie to Tom’s Room!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): YOWZA! And I thought I seen places that were Level 10 Bio Hazard Hell holes but as I look at this, I think it’s safe to say Tom Servo’s room makes them habitable to human beings in comparison but they find it and…. (Everyone screams as they see a member of Exeter’s race in the shower as James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid scream and try to avert their eyes.)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): I never want to see an Alien in the buff unless it was Turanga Leela!

TLOTA & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Hear! Hear!

TLOTA (In Silhouette) However Dr. Forrester mercifully interrupts our heroes and… (Show Tom Servo’s head being blown as James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid groan and say NO! NOT SERVO!)

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Hasn’t that poor bot suffered enough without having his head blown to bits! But Forrester does get them back to finish riffing on the movie.

TLOTA (In Silhouette): After “This Island Earth” ends Dr. Forrester thinks he’s reduced the brains of Mike and The Bots collective I.Q. to that of Tapioca Pudding he checks up on them to see they’re throwing a party and reveling in the insanity of the movie. Pissed that his plan failed for the umpteenth time he decides to reverse the polarity of the Neutron flow on his Interocitor only to have him wind up with that member of Exeter’s race in the shower and apparently everyone on the Satellite is glad for that because now they’re stuck in the Satellite forever…. Wait What?

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): And the movie ends with our heroes riffing on the end credits.

Rowdy (In Silhouette): And I was thinking maybe we could I don’t know maybe sing the lyrics to the song.

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Sounds good to me.

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): In the not too distant future, Way down in Deep 13, The Evil Dr. Forrester was hatching a nasty scheme. He hired a guy by the name of Mike, just a regular Joe he didn’t like his experiment needed a good test case. So he clocked him in the noggin and then shot him into space!

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): GET ME DOWN!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): I’ll Send him cheesy movies, the worst I can find Tra-la-la! He’ll have to sit and watch ‘em all and I’ll monitor his mind Tra-la-la!

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Now keep in mind Mike can’t control how the movies begin or end Tra-la-la! He’ll try to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends! ROBOT ROLL CALL!

Rowdy (In Silhouette): Cambot!

TLOTA (In Silhouette): Gypsy!

The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Tom Servo!

TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts! Tra-la-la! Just repeat to yourself it’s just a show, I should really just relax! For Mystery Science Theater 3000! (The three get up and walk out of the theater as the scene cuts to the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center as it closes)

TLOTA: So he should be back any second.

Nick Yaun: Actually he never shut down the line, we just had him on Mute this whole time after he sent the movie to you three stooges.

Mike Santos: He’s been talking about how The Tri County Metroplex will bow to every whim. (Everyone look at Mike Santos)

Mike Santos: I’ve got good hearing and Lip Reading. Besides he couldn’t hear us because while he was yammering on and on, he’s been talking and no one’s been hearing.

Eric Kurtzke: Besides I came up with a plan and I got the right people to side with us!

TLOTA: Awesome. ORAC, you know what to do. (Cut to Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot: So you have seen the worst adaptation of a show into a movie… (Cut to everyone else)

TLOTA: Back up pal that is where you are wrong.  Shall we?

Everyone: THIS MOVIE WAS AWESOME! (Cut to Clips of the movie as James, The Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy do voiceovers)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): First off, making a show into a movie can be a bad idea when it is done wrong, but in Mystery Science Theater 3000's case...this was a job done right. No wonder it has an Eighty-Eight Percent Audience approval and Eighty Percent Critically accepted on RottenTomatoes.com or why even Siskel & Ebert gave it Two Thumbs Up. (Cut to the Siskel & Ebert Review of the movie before cutting back to the voiceovers)

The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): Sure this is a bit shorter length compare to the length of an episode of the show, being 90 minutes. But you can see the deleted scenes on Youtube or on the Blu-Ray to see what didn’t make the final cut of the film.

Rowdy (Voiceover): And unlike REALLY bad adaptation movies like the Dukes of Hazzard, Jem & the Holograms or that godawful excuse of a Bewitched movie, this movie clearly knew what it was doing! Which shouldn’t be surprising given it was just an extension of the actual show that was still airing at the time and was made by the same people who did the show! You pretty much get exactly what you should expect if you’re an MST3K fan: A riff of a B movie, the characters acting like their snarky old selves, a plot with elements that actually carry over into the series itself – for a show that never got any real respect from its distributors, including the studio that distributed this movie, it’s clear the creators didn’t let that get them down and stayed true to what they knew their fan base would have wanted. Granted, that may have been one of three big reasons Universal didn’t put much effort into the promotion and I think we know the other two (shot of Pam Anderson) but at least Mike Nelson and Company stayed true, and that’s what’s allowed this movie and the series to maintain its cult status.

TLOTA: And as far as I’m concerned, it may be the closest to a perfect adaptation of the series. So what if it didn’t succeed the way it intended to. It eventually earned its cult status as has the series. So it’s no surprise there is a reason the show and this movie has endured because it does what we ALL want to do with a bad movie talk over the bad parts and mock it for all it’s worth. (Cut to Everyone at James’ office)

Rowdy: And Really, Stupidiot, if you thought THIS was the worst thing out there, this might be your worst evil scheme ever, and you once tried to take over the Federal Reserve with your minions armed with super soakers! (Cut to Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot: There was a shipping mix up with the blasters I ordered! I’ll never use UPS again!! But anyway, it won’t save you from being stuck in space for the next fifty years with all this bad cinema! (Cut to everyone else)

TLOTA: You’re right! But these will! (Everyone in James’ office pulls out a Sonic Screwdriver.)

Rebecca Yaun: And the fact that even though you paid Dr. Plotsz to build the satellite, we paid him extra to ship you off to space for the next fifty years. (Cut to Professor Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot: PLOTSZ! (Dr. Plotsz steps into frame)

Dr. Plotsz: Jawhol!

Prof. Stupidiot: Did they pay you more to double cross me?

Dr. Plotsz: Vell, Einen Doctor Never kisses und tells vut…. Let me say Auf Wiedersehen! (Dr. Plotsz walks away as the ground beneath Prof. Stupidiot starts to shake as he is cut off in the same manor when TV’s Frank pressed the button to shut off communication to the Satellite of Love before cutting to see Everyone outside of James’ office as it cuts to a plume of smoke coming out if the same building.)

The Nostalgia Kid (Audio only): Imagine it…. (Cut to everyone looking out into the sky)

The Nostalgia Kid: Trapped in there for fifty years with nothing but bad TV, Movies and Video Games and with no one else.

TLOTA: Who said he was going to be alone for the next fifty years? (Cut to the interior of the Satellite as we see Prof. Stupidiot is upset that he is trapped with a drunk Jack Perkins, Mr. B. Natural, Pitch & Torgo!)

Torgo: Aanyone wannaa Pizza?

Mr. B Natural: I don’t know about Pizza but how about I awaken the spirit of music in all of you!

Jack Perkins (Singing): Wasted away again in Margaritaville! Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt! (Pitch chuckles)

Pitch: Can you believe we’ll get to know each other better for the next fifty years! (Pitch chuckles)

Prof. Stupidiot: CURSE YOU ROWDY, NOSTALGIA KID AND JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Cut to the outside of James’ studio as a gigantic shadow covers everyone.)

Rowdy: You know I just thought of something He might not be up there for fifty years. Once he remembers the Deus Ex Machina, he’ll be back.

Nostalgia Kid: What, you mean the secret escape pod hidden in the box of Hamdingers that Joel used to escape in?

Rowdy: Well, Stupidiot HAD to build that thing EXACTLY like the original Satellite of Love, so no way that wasn’t included.

Chris (Audio only): So dude, what’s going on?

TLOTA: Oh the usual a psychopath tried to exile me into the depths of space, reviewed a movie, sent said psychopath into the depths of space himself. A usual Tuesday.

The Nostalgia Kid: Did any of you get a memo for a solar eclipse?

Chris (Audio only): Oh you’re a funny guy. (Everyone turns and the camera pans up from a pair of feet to James’ brother Chris’ face before cutting to everyone else)

The Nostalgia Kid: MONGO! SANTAMARIA!

TLOTA: Relax that’s my brother and Chris he didn’t mean to insult you like that and dude, not cool saying that to my brother!

The Nostalgia Kid: Mount Kilimanjaro is your brother?!

Rowdy: He doesn’t mean that Chris.

The Nostalgia Kid: The hell I don’t.

Rowdy: Apologize or you won’t get any ham dingers!

The Nostalgia Kid: He made ham dingers? How?!

TLOTA: Nostalgia Kid, you are looking at the best Chef in the Albany region of New York!

The Nostalgia Kid: HE’S A CHEF?

TLOTA: Dude, let me give him a ham dinger and he’ll apologize!

Chris (Audio only): Here you go! (Chris gives James a ham dinger to The Nostalgia Kid)

The Nostalgia Kid: Hmm, Flaky yet tender Crust, Interior is perfectly balanced and melts in my mouth. Chris, I hope you can accept my apologies for being so crude and crass about you.

Chris (Audio only): We’re cool! (Chris smacks The Nostalgia Kid in the back and sends everyone falling down like bowling pins.)

TLOTA: Dude, not cool! I thought I said no smacking at full force! Everyone good? (Everyone nods as to say yes.) Awesome, why don’t you head inside and I’ll be there shortly. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion. (James walks away before cutting to a black screen with the words “Sometime later….” In white are seen. Before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid as he has finished another review.)

The Nostalgia Kid: Phew! Another movie review in the books. What to do next? (The Nostalgia Kid looks on his shelving to see a packaged DVD and a card with it.)

The Nostalgia Kid (Reading aloud): “Hey there dude, sorry you couldn’t stick around for the main event of the party which was us riffing on this one, so I actually sent you a copy for you to check out. Watch at your own risk. Your buddy James Faraci The Last Of The Americans”

The Nostalgia Kid: Hmm, wonder what it could be? (The Nostalgia Kid unwraps the package and sees the cover of “Fishtales”) Well, I have yet to see it. How bad it could be? (The Nostalgia Kid pops in the DVD as the opening theme is heard before cutting to a black screen with the words “One Viewing later….” In white are seen before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid with his Jaw scraping the ground before he takes the disc and tosses it into the garbage.)

The Nostalgia Kid (Whispering while looking into the camera): I hate you James Faraci The Last Of The Americans!

(Cut to a black screen before cutting to James holding The Nostalgia Kid and Rowdy as James counts down from 3 to 1 as they shout “MOM!” and James says “Okay I’m sure at least one of us is deaf!” before the three of them chuckle then the instrumental of Combine Harvester plays in the background as James takes the camera to the green screen room as he shows us three chairs and glued theater backing.)

TLOTA (Audio only): Little secret behind the scenes moment these are just three standard Metal Chairs with a theater backing glued and these are Portable DVD players so we can watch the movie in case we come up with something on the fly masterfully built by our resident mad carpenter & prop maker Nick Yaun as we see him partly Torgofied.

Nick Yaun: Yeah the shirt itches like hell.

TLOTA (Audio only): Well the guy who played Torgo 86’d himself not long after filming “Manos: The Hands Of Fate.” Ended.  So it’s no surprise it’s uncomfortable but I’ll see if Renee can find a way to keep it from itching too much and here’s Chris Lee Moore rehearsing with Gus and we can see the Stupidiot shirt is on and he is rehearsing with Gus is rehearsing. How are you holding up in here?

Gus Webb: Nothing bad I can say

Chris Lee Moore: Okay, bit of truth here I forgot my Stupidiot Bowtie but thankfully James has one that looks like it.

TLOTA (Audio Only): And here is Paulo Fonseca and this is Brenda the lovely wife of Paulo. Yes, ladies he’s off the market and she’ll be in next month’s review as the receptionist in our intro and what do you think of your husband the mad scientist?

Brenda Fonseca: Well I heard that you were kind of interesting in a crazy sort of way but hearing his German accent, well… he actually does sound like Peter Sellers’ Mad German and the fact you were able to bring it out of him is surprising. (Cut to Eric Kurtzke as he gets himself ready to be Jack Perkins and Traci Hines is preparing to become Mr. B. Natural and Mike is in his Pitch gear save for the Facial make-up)

TLOTA (Audio only): So there’s Eric and is it comfortable becoming Jack Perkins or…

Eric Kurtzke: The Suit is comfortable but the teeth and bald cap are a pain in the ass. But I’m getting comfortable.

TLOTA (Audio only): And this lovely lady helping out with makeup is someone I met on the CONtv Facebook page, Olivia Horvath say hi to my fans.

Olivia Horvath: Hi everyone. You know working here is an interesting experience. I’ve done some of the things James asked of like this before.

TLOTA (Audio only): Uh Will you be available for August and September?

Olivia Horvath: Why?

TLOTA (Audio only): I’m going to be needing help on the make-up for the Ghosts in the Ghostbusters review in August and September my review of “Jem & The Holograms” for Traci to become Synergy and you need to deconstruct and rebuild quickly in layers and speaking of… Traci, you seem to be able to fit into Betty Luster and Bridget Nelson’s tights and how did you get most of the costume.

Traci Hines: A lot of the stuff I’ll be wearing is from my Peter Pan & Tinkerbell Cosplay that I’ve done. But props to Renee for being able to work wonders with the needle and thread because it looks accurate and feels comfortable.

TLOTA (Audio only): Listen while we have Eric as is let’s shoot the part where Stupidiot is in the Satellite with the Drunk Jack Perkins which is towards the end of the review. That good with you guys?

Eric Kurtzke: Well I’m a bit of a mess.

TLOTA (Audio only): So was Jack when he was sloshed. (Everyone laughs as everything cuts to the studio as James is in the center Gus is on James’ right and Rowdy is on his left as Gus shouts “Movie Sign” as he, Rowdy and James run and Gus bumps into James, falls down and James signals for a cut. Cut to James as he has to stand in platform shoes that raises him up to his brother’s height.)

TLOTA: Chris! If you’re checking this out! You owe me big time dude! I’m talking about you taking my ass to the New York Comic-Con so I can meet Stan Lee before he passes away big! I’m actually playing my brother Chris so he can still keep his job at “The Ruck” because he works his ass off. For those wondering The Ruck is a bar which my brother cooks like the master chefs. (Cut to black)

The Big 3: Epilogue

(Fade to James sitting down looking normal and Eliza Dushku slack jawed and eyes bugging out of her head)

Eliza Dushku: Oh…my…God!

TLOTA: Well, I hope You now have a better knowledge of who I am and can now enjoy the ride a little more.

Eliza Dushku: Actually…no!

TLOTA: NO?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?!

Eliza Dushku:  YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY NO! OKAY, HERE IS WHAT I MEAN. FOR EVERY ANSWER I GOT AND EVERY BIT OF INFORMATION I DISCOVER IT LEADS ME TO ASK TWO MORE QUESTIONS AND DIG EVEN FURTHER. YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE TYPES OF MYSTERIES THAT’S LIKE ATLANTIS, BIGFOOT, THE LOCH NESS MONSTER. A QUESTION WITHOUT ANSWERS. And I can’t understand you or understand things about you like “The Wicked” or “Caliverti” or why no one remembers anything connecting you to Lea Michele? (The Sad Man With A Box plays in the background as James sighs sadly)

TLOTA: Okay. You want to know everything. You got it. Follow Me! (James walks towards ORAC’s Chamber’s back wall as the panel opens up and James Shows Her the Gem from The Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand and The Bracelet it’s on, The Ring of Aeon, The Sword of Caliverti & Emmalina’s Amulet.)

Eliza Dushku: What is this?

TLOTA (Audio only): Just somethings I accumulated in my travels. (Cut to James at a vault)

TLOTA: And Some memories I keep to remind me of what my life should’ve been. (James opens the vault and uses his Sonic Screwdriver to disengage the safety protocols on Lea Michele’s Sonic Screwdriver before turning to Eliza.)

TLOTA: In one brief moment, you’ll discover it all.

Eliza Dushku: What is it you’re going to do to me?

TLOTA: You’ll know. You will finally know the answers you’re looking for. (James Grabs the Bracelet and The Ring.) ORAC, Are You Ready?

ORAC (Audio only): Affirmative. (James touches the Bracelet and The Ring together to create a power surge from the two combining hitting Lea Michele’s Sonic Screwdriver which got redirected to James’ Sonic Screwdriver which bounces off Emmalina's Amulet, The Sword Of Caliverti then ORAC which redirects to Eliza Dushku before everything turns white.)

TLOTA (Audio only): I am James Faraci and I am The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to Eliza’s eyes opening as images from Past reviews and Past collaborations with Channel Awesome flash on the screen before cutting to Eliza Dushku landing on the rest of Team TLOTA as she’s flung out of the Chamber and James tries to catch up to her.)

TLOTA: Eliza, guys! Are you okay?

Rebecca Yaun: We’re fine!

Nick Yaun: Just tell us next time someone around here goes flying!

Paulo Fonseca: Aw I think my shoulder got dislocated.

John Santos: Speak for yourself, I smelt her feet. Two words for ya! FOOT POWDER!

Mike Santos: Well it’s nice to know she can still throw a punch. Just wish it didn’t land on my face.

Eric Kurtzke: She got me in the Kurtzkes with her forehead if you catch the drift.

Traci Hines: I landed face first into a wall and now I’m seeing tweeting birds. (The musical cues from the last two and a half minutes “Hell Bent” plays as Eliza Dushku regains consciousness)

TLOTA: Eliza. ELIZA!  SAY SOMETHING!  

Eliza Dushku: Oh my god! James, you poor son of a bitch. You sacrificed so much to save so many and yet for all that you’ve accomplished… for all you’ve achieved… for everything you’ve done, you feel as if you are going to amount to nothing in the grand scheme of things. (Eliza kisses James) Today that all changes! You deserve better and you are going to get it! (Eliza grabs James’ Megaforce Morpher and gives James his card back and uses her Sonic Screwdriver to build a better Morpher for the card to adapt to and adjusting the suit to match accordingly before handing it over to James as he sees the Morpher looks like the Robo Knight’s Robo Morpher then cutting to James being shown the new Morpher)

Eliza Dushku: Put the card in here, press 428 on the pad and close for the basic mode. I also updated the suit, the card will match after the first morph!

(James slides the card in to and presses 428 to activate it as James morphs into his new suit which includes a long sleeved with the American Flag designed on it, Cargo Jeans and Tan Work Boots.)

TLOTA: Like The Look? (As everyone looks at James’ new outfit and gives him the thumbs up giving James a confident smile as he takes a heroic pose.)

TLOTA: Well then let's get to work!

This Review is "Happening" Hot Stuff!

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James sitting in his chair laughing outrageously before James takes a deep calm breath!)

TLOTA: I’m (James continues to laugh uncontrollably before Nick Yaun picks him up by his shirt’s collar)

Nick Yaun: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN! IT’S A SHAYMALAN MOVIE!

TLOTA (laughing while talking): I’m trying for crying out loud! (Nick Yaun shakes James around.)

Nick Yaun: YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN! IT’S NOT WORTH ACTING LIKE THIS! (Paulo walks into frame behind Nick)

Paulo Fonseca: Nick, Let me at it! (Paulo starts shaking James even harder) CALM DOWN JAMES! FOCUS ON HOW BAD THIS MOVIE IS! YOU HAVE TO CALM (Paulo smacks James upside his face) DOWN! (Rebecca Yaun walks into frame and talks to Paulo)

Rebecca Yaun: Hey Paulo, your fiancée is on the Phone!

Paulo Fonseca: Thanks. (Paulo walks away and Rebecca shakes James even harder than Paulo)

Rebecca Yaun (Shaking James while smacking him around): CALM DOWN JAMES! CALM! (Rebecca Smacks James) DOWN! (Rebecca Smacks James) PLEASE! (Sounds of Rebecca Yaun yelling at James to calm down and James continues to laugh as the camera pans down the line to see John Ross Santos with a Double Boiler pan, Mike Santos with a pipe, Eric Neil Kurtzke with a set of Brass Knuckles, Renee Miller with a 2x4, Rowdy with a Baseball bat, The Nostalgia Critic with his handgun, The Blockbuster Buster with “Lucille”, Linkara with his Magic gun,  Jeff Jarrett with his guitar, Eliza Dushku brandishing a pair of Boxing Gloves, Traci Hines with a set of Shark Jaws taped to a club, then The Angry Video Game Nerd with an empty beer bottle and shattering the bottom of the bottle on the side of the wall then Film Brain with a noose before the scene changes to the Opening credit scene of “The Happening” then cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): HOLY MOLY CANOLI! WHAT WAS HE THINKING? No! No! No! What was he SMOKING! This movie is just a WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SEE MOMENT?! And by the end you’ll be either in a pool of your own effluence from laughing OR scratching your head wondering if your still sane. It’s been reviewed to death but it’s one of those movies that bear repeat reviews. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So let’s dive in head first and cook this turkey stuffed with hot dogs, tiramisu, cheese & crackers and slathered in honey, cough syrup & Lemon Drink this is M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So our movie begins in central park as two people on a bench reading the same book notice people doing an improv act as one of the two people realize this thing is going on their IMDB and commits to stabbing herself! We soon see extras who were told they were going to be paid very well because they were going to be in a Shaymalan movie at a construction site as they fall to their doom before we cut to a Pennsylvanian Science teacher named Elliot played by Mark “I’m kicking my manager’s ass for this” Wahlberg as they discuss a recent event. A loss of honeybees! (Show clip of Elliot talking to his students about the Honeybees and no one has an answer before cutting to James)

TLOTA: I actually heard about this by a Doctor (Cut to the clip about the disappearance of Honeybees in “Doctor Who: The Stolen Earth” in which they talk about the disappearance of the Honeybees actually being tiny aliens having disappeared before cutting to the movie as the smart Alek in the class says “An act of nature that we will never truly understand.” And Elliot replies with something meant to be intellectually meaningful before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: What is this Science Theology 101? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well the word of what happened in New York City reaches the school Elliot and his friend Julian played by John Leguizamo and at the behest of the Principal played by Alan Ruck the students are let go and Julian decides to grab his daughter and meet his wife further down on the train line and Elliot is going to pick up his wife Alma played by Zooey Deschanel who I swear to GOD has set her voice to overly girly cutesy and trained herself to never friggin close her eyes! (Cut to Alma speaking in several scenes before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: If you’ve ever wondered why I’ve never watched but heard of “New Girl” well now you know why I’d rather eat my weight in Concrete than watch or hear anything come out of Zooey Deschanel’s pie hole! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Anyway, Alma had a one-night affair with someone who is vocally played by a cameo by Shaymalan and she’s trying hard to avoid it. Meanwhile Elliot, Julian and his daughter Jess Meet Alma at the train station and as the train tries to get away from whatever the hell is going on out there to Harrisburg to meet up with Julian’s wife, the train stops in Filbert because they’ve lost contact with the outside world. At a restaurant they look at a video that shows that the lions in the lion’s den obviously enjoy it when their caretaker decides to stand while they’re at their most feral as they discover whatever is going on out there is in their neck of the woods. As Julian tries to find his wife who I’m sure has not been casted and is possibly kaput by this point he leaves Jess with Alma & Elliot to take care of her in his stead. Elliot, Alma & Jess hitch a ride with a Nursery owner whose house and business is so subtlety right near a nuclear power plant you couldn’t tell it was there… IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE NURSERY! Seriously Shaymalan you think being subtle means hitting someone in the Po-Pos with a 30 ton wrecking ball! You are making the entire “Josie & The Pussycats” movie look subtle in comparison! (Cut to the clip of Nursery owner talking about Hot Dogs before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay movie, you have FORCED me into doing this! Hit it! (Cut to the instrumental of “The Narwhal Song” at one and one quarter speed while in the background everyone else is dancing in different way.)

TLOTA (Singing): Hot dogs! Hot dogs! Cook ‘em up in hot water up cook ‘em until they’re nice & plump! Grill ‘em until they get marked! Hot dogs! Hot Dogs! Cook ‘em up in hot water!

Rebecca Yaun (Singing): Some come a foot long! If you like them too. You’ll sing along! (Audio of the clip of the Nursery owner talking about Hot dogs is played as everyone dances very silly)

Team TLOTA (Singing): Hot Dogs! We like Hot dogs! Hot Dogs!

TLOTA (Singing): Slathered in Chili & Cheese!

Team TLOTA (Singing): Hot Dogs! We like Hot dogs! Hot Dogs!

Paulo Fonseca (Singing): Tons of Mustard if you please! (Song lyrics repeat for the second verse as does the video for it before Cutting to James physically looking a little more mentally disturbed.)

TLOTA: HOKAY! Things are officially Cuckoo! Let’s take a break and regain some semblance of sanity though in a Shaymalan film that’s nigh on impossible!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro as it cuts to James’ office Kitchen as Jeremy from CinemaSins stands next to Alton Brown as played by Nick Yaun)

C.S. Jeremy: Sometimes watching a movie just isn’t enough! You also want to eat that movie!

“Alton Brown”: And that is why America we have movie recipes! (CinemaSins Movie Recipes music play in the background and opening credit is shown before cutting back to Jeremy from Cinema Sins and “Alton Brown” in James’ office Kitchen)

C.S. Jeremy: Today we’re going to make a M. Night Shaymalan Turkey!

“Alton Brown”:  And not just any Turkey, people we are making a Turkey based on “The Happening” (Cut to a deep pot with the Camera in the bottom of the pot and the two looking in. Then cut to the two outside the pot with Lemon Drink, Cough Syrup, Honey & Kosher Salt)

“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): Starting with the brine for the Turkey, we use one pound of Lemon Drink, Cough Syrup, Honey and of course a pound of Kosher Salt. (Cut to the two standing over the pot as they drop the turkey into the pot and setting it aside in a corner)

C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Then Put in a 14 lbs. Turkey preferably one without bones because there is NO semblance of structure in a Shaymalan movie of this quality. Then we let it sit for hours as we prepare to stuff this turkey with enough filler to fill out an hour and a half of cooking! (Cut to the two with a blender, Tiramisu, Cheese & Crackers and Hot Dogs.)

“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): We start with a lovely Tiramisu and blend the tar out of it!

C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Then drop a whole pack of Hot Dogs to the mix and a pound of Cheese and crackers preferably something bland and tasteless like Shaymalan! (Cut to the two with the boneless turkey stuffed with the Tiramisu mix next to an oven.)

“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): We then cover the Turkey in the herb that helped make this movie possible! Marijuana and put it in a 525-degree oven for an hour and a half because no movie of his should be longer than that! (Cut to the two at a table)

C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Serve with a country dinner and an expired water cocktail garnished with a lit cigarette and enjoy the madness that comes from this meal! (“Alton Brown” jumps over the table to attack as the camera is knocked over and it cuts to a test pattern before cutting to Cinema Sins Jeremy lying down in the Prison Bitch position and “Alton Brown” with his pants around his legs and head first in a trashcan before fading to black then cutting to the Commercial break return bit as  the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the return from commercial break as the review cuts to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We soon find Julian as he tries to find his wife when they see a group of people dead, hung by their necks and lining the street and there is a tear in the roof that allows whatever it is to come in and the driver decides to go at “Fury Road” speed into a tree as Julian steps out and decides to take a piece of glass to slit his wrists. Though knowing John Leguizamo he looks like his manager called him about doing a 35^th “Ice Age” Movie while working on this and decided “Screw that Sloth!”. Meanwhile Elliot, Alma, Jess and our Hot Dog Nurseryman find a private who has found a Military private who’s as lost as the people watching this tries to organize everyone else on the same route into a group who’s just as lost but the Nurseryman believes that the plants are the cause of the event. (Show the clip of The Nurseryman telling the Military private about what they saw and the Private says “Cheese & Crackers” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: I have extended family members who have served in the Armed Forces and they have said worse things than “Cheese & Crackers” though they do sleep with some strange things but for me it’s a “Don’t know, Don’t care” kind of thing instead of a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” sort of thing. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But convinced whatever this thing is that’s caused by the plants is being conveyed by the wind the large group break into smaller factions while they I KID YOU NOT TRY TO OUTRUN THE WIND! NOT KIDDING! Meanwhile in the Military private’s faction in which the Hot Dog nurseryman is in find themselves infected save for the Hot Dog nurseryman and well… (Show clip of Elliot, Alma & Jess’s group as they hear the gunshots and everyone there is screaming at Elliot before Mark Wahlberg’s Elliot screams “I NEED A SECOND OKAY! WHY CAN’T EVERYONE GIVE ME A GOD DAMN SECOND! Before James continues his voiceover while the movie continues)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Geez dude any louder and you’ll blow the boom mic besides no one wants to see your nose hairs! Anyway Elliot’s little group eventually discovers a Model home where everything is fake and well…. I can’t… I just can’t… Watch it and you come up with your own joke! (Show clip of Elliot talking to the plant before cutting to James physically with him looking into the camera and two M. Night Shaymalan heads popping out of his ears screaming “Cuckoo” three times and a fourth time the heads pop out M. Night Shaymalan synchronized saying “If you think this is sane then you are CUCKOO!” before they return to James’ head. Before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But as they see another group infected by whatever the hell this is, they run out of there like bats out of hell and Alma spills on meeting a guy for Tiramisu just as they hit another place Elliot’s attempt at levity falls flatter than this plot! (Cut to Elliot jokingly saying about meeting this woman and asking about cough syrup before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay, I’m convinced! THIS was the writing process for this thing I’m watching. (Cut to a stoners’ den with Shaymalan being played vocally by James Faraci but physically by Renee Miller and a group of stoners played by Paulo Fonseca, John Ross Santos, Mike Santos & Eric Kurtzke, Raoul Pupe played by Nick Yaun and Georgio A. Tsoukalos played by James Faraci while a kids show with a fifty cent budget talking about the environment plays in the background.)

Shaymalan: Oh dude, you know what I could go for? Some Tiramisu with Cheese & Crackers

Stoner (Paulo): Hey man can we get some hot dogs in this place?

Stoner (John Santos): Dude, quit bogarting the Cough Syrup man! (Show Mike guzzling the bottle of Cough Syrup as The Audio of the kids show talking about the environment plays in the background.)

Stoner (Eric Kurtzke): You know this show we’re watching is making sense man! (Giggles uncontrollably)

Stoner (Mike Santos): Hey Shaymalan, you need to write this stuff down for your next movie man!

Shaymalan: Dude! Why do you think we’re here? (Cut to James as Georgio A. Tsoukalos tapping on a tank of turtles)

Georgio A. Tsoukalos: Hi little aliens! Klaatu Barata Nicto! Will you tell me the secrets of the world?

Shaymalan: Dude! How much has he had?

Stoner (John Santos): Oh him? He’s never stopped since we met in College man! (Everyone giggle uncontrollably as the camera cuts to Raoul Pupe)

Raoul Pupe: You know, I’m so glad to be amongst such sane and rational people! (Cut to Elliot’s group as they come to a house trying to talk to the people holed up inside and Elliot inexplicably starts singing the chorus to “Black Water” by The Doobie Brothers and Elliot says “See, We're normal!” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Yeah keep believing that and eventually the people from Doctor Dippy’s Mental Retreat will let you out on their little choo-choo! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Even the kids looking into the camera are looking at this moment as to say “Yeah, we have no idea what the hell is going on here people, just get more stoned and enjoy this because this is freaking insane!” But eventually the others in Elliot’s group save for Alma and Jess get blasted with buckshot and Elliot, Alma and Jess bolt until they find an old woman in the next house they come across who’s practically given up on the world and by no choice allows the three of them to stay the night and we get a bit of history of the house and then this moment! (Cut to the clip of the old lady saying “I hear you whispering. Planning on stealing something!” and Elliot replying “No Ma’am we’re not!” and the old lady saying “Plan on murdering me in my sleep!” and Elliot replying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Guys come on over and help me out. Just…. Just help me question this thing. (Everyone else in Team TLOTA comes in and stares at the camera.)

Eric Kurtzke:  Is this leading to anything important? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Renee Miller: Is there another sequel to “Ted” coming soon? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Mike Santos: Do you think we’re gonna make it through until the end? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

John Santos: Will this be at the top of your resume? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Eliza Dushku: Will I ever discover James’ secret? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Traci Hines: Will you ever live this movie down as long as you live? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Paulo Fonseca: Will you ever return to making cheesy music? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Rebecca Yaun: Do you believe that “Wahlburgers” will ever come to Sullivan County New York? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Nick Yaun: Have we run this gag into the ground yet? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

TLOTA: You might think we haven’t but I think we have. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The next morning everything goes even further off the deep end as I KID YOU NOT Elliot tries to be rational as the old woman screams at him for being near her doll. But as whatever this plant voodoo is comes their way, affects the old lady as she smashes her head in on the windows in her house killing herself in the process Elliot heads for the basement and Alma & Jess head to a safe house used during the Underground Railroad and the two are able to talk via a speaking tube and all three decide three minutes after they talk through their problems and decide to reunite and wait for the whatever happened to everyone else to come and take them! But in a Shaymalan Twist, at least I think it is the event ends with them surviving at Arundell County at just two minutes before 10 A.M. and three months later people are still stymied after they went through what they did, Alma and Elliot formally adopt Jess but she’ll never forget her parents and in a not so subtle note Shaymalan lets the audience know that he’s planning on raping Aang for his cabbages in his next project based on “Avatar: The Last Airbender”, Alma discovers she’s pregnant and Elliot returns to his Science Theory class as it goes to Paris and whatever happened three months ago stateside made it to France to make the French must say Au Revoir! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So that was “The Happening”! YOWZA! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If you’re looking for intelligent writing or strong storytelling or good acting then brother you need to find something else. If you want to laugh at what stoners think will happen at the world if they weren’t in charge, then you have found the Jackpot! Maybe Shaymalan should quit trying to scare us with his serious fare and try to make us laugh with comedic fare because it appears he’s more versed in that than making serious movies with the material of his work. Because this maybe one of the humorous movies I’ve ever seen! Give it a watch and a laugh. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and…. (James laughs so uncontrollably he falls out of seat until a pooping noise is heard.) I need to change my underwear! (Cut to an hour later as everyone is getting ready to head back)

TLOTA: Hey guys, just so you know the next couple of months are going to be insane, so if you need to kind of step away for any personal reason either let me know now or shoot me an E-Mail my way. (Cut to Paulo)

Paulo Fonseca: Well, I’ve got my wedding to focus on so…

TLOTA: Say no more and If I wasn’t busy, I would go and if by SOME miracle If I can, I’d like to come.

Paulo Fonseca: Well, James as much as I’d like my friends there it’s more of a family thing and….

TLOTA: I’ve got it. Oh Nick! (Camera cuts to Nick Yaun getting his clothes in his suitcase as James walks over to him)

TLOTA: For being such a good sport and great utility player over the past few months, I figured you earned a break so you and Rebecca can enjoy your LONG overdue Honeymoon and I got two tickets for a cruise to the Caribbean for two weeks under the names of Nick & Rebecca Yaun.

Nick Yaun: Awesome! (Cut to Traci Hines as she is two steps away from the door.)

Traci Hines: I’ll be hitting the con circuit if you need me.

TLOTA (Audio only as Eliza Dushku walks towards James): Awesome, and incidentally if you’re going to a con in the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington Area Rowdy is willing to give you a place to chill for a bit.

Traci Hines (Audio only as Eliza Dushku walks towards James): Uh no way, I remember the Christmas party after a few coca colas and a bottle of Martinelli’s and I needed to call a lawyer to file a restraining order!

Eliza Dushku: Okay James, what’s going on?

TLOTA: What are you talking about?

Eliza Dushku: You’ve been acting weird since I met you and even by the standards I have for you this is crazy! I mean A Cruise to the Caribbean for Nick & Rebecca, having made sure we’re out of the way, as you so eloquently say “WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE IS GOING ON?!” (James sighs a deep breath as his face becomes serious.)

TLOTA: Okay, it may come to no surprise that next month is my third anniversary of me doing reviews and I plan on something big. The Michael Bay “Transformers” movies with Shia LaBeouf and I plan on doing a countdown. A Countdown of the good things that came from them. Something that intense that there could be backlash. Which is why if you guys need to step away, go right ahead. (Audio of several Doors closing at the same time then audio of tires peeling out as James & Eliza are left behind)

TLOTA: Well, that was expectantly predictable.

Eliza Dushku: Actually, I’m still here. Traci was my ride!

TLOTA: Yeah, while you’re here, I noticed you tried calling other old crushes who wishes that an Elephant rapes me. Are you still trying to figure out who I am and what secrets about me you need to know?

Eliza Dushku: How did you know? The moment in the review when I asked Mark Wahlberg a question in the review, it was about you. (Cut to the moment in which Eliza Dushku asks if she’ll ever discover James’ secret before cutting to James looking at Eliza and Eliza looking at the camera)

TLOTA: See that happened.

Eliza Dushku: How did you do that?

TLOTA: An editing trick.

Eliza Dushku: No more quick-witted answers from you, what happened to you between 2010 up until 2013 is a black hole of information on you. Everything else is public record is just minimal and soon enough I WILL Find out your secret James Faraci! Whether you want me to or not. (Eliza Dushku walks away as James sighs)