Wednesday, September 20, 2023

"SVU" GONE CUCKOO!

(Scene begins with a black background as words start to come to light, saying "The Last Of The Americans" and a voiceover done by James Faraci saying, "In the Internet Reviewer community, The people who review are expressing opinions based on what they have seen and experienced, and there are those with similar opinions, This is one of their voices." Clanging noises are heard, and fade cut into The Studio where James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, works as James Faraci walks in dressed as a Detective and Eric Kurtzke as a Police Inspector)

Det. Faraci (Played by James Faraci):
Detective Faraci and Inspector Kurtzke, What have we got? (Cut to the Forensic Scientist played by Brenda Fonseca)

The Forensic Scientist:
One suicide, mass murder. 

Insp. Kurtzke (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Let's check out what they watched and search for the 9 MM. Handgun.

Det. Faraci:
How do you know it's a 9 MM.?

Insp. Kurtzke:
Judging by the trajectory and entry wound through the heads, a noticeable amount of how quickly they dropped, I would have to say it was a 9 MM round that was modified to take out five out of the six in one shot. The Shooter then turned the gun on himself based on the blood spatter, and the trajectory of the final bullet was upwards as opposed towards the outside wall. (The CSI team turns on the TV as the head of the team, played by Ed Champion, shouts for Inspector Kurtzke and Detective Faraci. Everyone watches and then looks away in horror and disgust.)

Det. Faraci:
Turn that TV off! No wonder this happened. The pandering to its audience was a possible reason for the mental trauma of the victims and the gunman.

Inspector Kurtzke:
It is a possible and plausible justifiable on this one. SHUT THAT TV OFF NOW!

 (Fade to black Cut to "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" style opening credits with shots of Sullivan County with credits reading "Starring James Faraci," "Paulo Fonseca," "Rebecca Yaun," "John Santos," "Mike Santos," "Nick Yaun," "Renee Miller," "Olivia Horvath," "Ed Champion," "Andrew Beach" with the performers doing standing poses with the last shot being the Monticello NY Government Building. Cut to the Logo of  "The Last Of The Americans" in Law & Order style text. Cut to James and Team TLOTA standing in the Main Lobby. Cut to the Neversink Reservoir as the words "Written by James Faraci" while a soundalike to the "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" main theme. Fade to black and cut to James in his office taking off his Detective garb and his usual clothing)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to the Opening Credit scene of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" then clips of seasons 21-24 "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" play as the "Law & Order: SVU" theme song plays in the foreground James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The last time I reviewed "Law and Order: SVU," The series was on solid ground. Then the past few seasons happened, and now it's safe to say the series has started to go off the rails and is barely keeping it together. But besides the usual duct tape and the little glue holding what's left of the series together. But is what's happening now a product of the loss of intelligence of the human race, or is it just pandering to the lowest denominator of human intelligence to get the best ratings in a world where terrestrial TV viewings are being supplanted by how many times it's being streamed and how many people are watching it streaming? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's see if this is highlighting or trying to stop the further erosion of Western civilization as we dive into seasons 21-24 of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit." (Cut to clips of Season 21 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Season 21 starts with a subtle nod to its status as the longest-running show and the series it eclipsed. The long-running western "Gunsmoke." Meanwhile, Detective Dominic "Sonny" Carisi has traded his shield and gun for a briefcase and a prescription of antacids as he becomes the new A.D.A. for his old friends at the Special Victims Unit. During all of this, Sir Tobias Moore, played by "Deadwood" actor Ian McShane is having his way with an ingenue. He is eventually arrested for what he's done. It's not without repercussions as Chief Dodds, who has been the Chief of the SVU since Season 16, is exiled to Staten Island. The caveat is that he'll accept exile to Staten Island if Lt. Olivia Benson is promoted to Captain! That's right, if she isn't in charge of her old unit, she is now! As the season progresses, more changes are present; with Carisi the A.D.A., a gap needs to be filled. Enter Plain Clothes Officer Katriona Tamin, played by Jamie Gray Hyder, and a new chief of detectives in the form of Christian Garland, played by Demore Barnes. Meanwhile, Olivia's son Noah has traded in his baseball glove and bat for a pair of point shoes as he tries his hand at dancing. And I like that the writers decided to play towards Noah's Actor, Ryan Buggle's strengths. The fall season finale and winter season premiere are not only a two-part episode; it's an obvious nod to the Jeffrey Epstein case, and personally, I'm glad he's gone and paying for his sins while burning in hell. During this season, Simon Marsden, played by Michael Weston, meets his nephew, Noah Porter-Benson, and his half-sister, Captain Olivia Benson. (Cut to clips of "Simon Marsden" in the episodes of past seasons of SVU as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I might not have mentioned this for either time or lack of remembrance. Still, in the earlier seasons, Olivia discovered that she has a half-brother named Simon Marsden. During those episodes, Murphy's Law followed Olivia Benson as she was nearly forced to leave Elliot and SVU, almost costing Olivia her badge and career to help him keep his kids from ACS. (Cut to clips of Season 21 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Eventually, the worst happens to Simon in his last appearance this season as he dies. Initially, the final three episodes of this season would have Olivia investigate Simon's death and realize that her message to her brother was never heard because he was already dead by this point. It would've led into part of the new season, a new series they've been developing, and a revival of the original series. However, since season 21 started in 2019 and went into 2020, The Pandemic and Covid put the kibosh on what would've been a perfect season finale. Instead, Season 21 ends with The Tobias Moore trial having stalled out, Odafin Tutuola having to do what he had to do to protect a woman and her son by putting a monster who is also an abusive boyfriend and father to the Woman's son out of this world and was willing to kill them both but now Fin's career is in danger, and the world as a whole has now been thrown into chaos. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now, I understand that real-world events have to play a part in this series, but there must also be a point at which Common Sense has to come into play with the series' writers. I hope it'll be there in the next season, and the SVU will try to appease those with common sense. Let's dive into Season 22 of "SVU" and see if people can use their heads during the worst point in human history. (Cut to clips of Season 22 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So the season opens up with a Kate Gosselin type of Woman claiming a black man is about to rape her and her daughter when everyone stumbles across a victim which the Kate Gosselin type of Woman blames what has happened on the guy, and even though everything had pointed to him being innocent. Citizens now wanted to see the people be protected FROM the police as that summer was hell, and of course, the Pandemic didn't help. What is even worse is that even though everything was done within the book, Chief Garland isn't happy that things have gone down, and believe it or not, Garland believes this is racial bias and claims Captain Olivia Benson, who has never been even remotely racist, who has worked with Fin who is black, Chester Lake who is Native American and Nick Amaro who is Cuban/Hispanic, IS UNDER THE BELIEF THAT SHE IS AS RACIST AS A MEMBER OF THOSE KNUCKLEHEADED CLUCKING ASSHOLES! UGH! Well, things get even worse as the case in the episode crumbles, tensions grow, and everything gets worse. By the second episode, Carisi has a better case he can try to win. Apparently, things with Fin's problem case have him deposition his view of events. While a settlement is made, Fin feels like he is no different than a gun-toting thug, which is the last thing he ever WAS! He's been an army ranger and a law-abiding badass! He's been a good law officer, and now he's regretting ever picking up a badge?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
One moment! (James walks away, and then we hear a bunch of loud shattering and cursing as the camera captures the noise of James' anger and roar, then more actions as James walks back, looking a little more red and disheveled. Cut to clips of Season 22 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So we are just TWO episodes in, and if you were new to the series, then the impression that you get is that Olivia Benson is a KKK member and Fin is someone who would put Ted Nugent to shame for all the bullets he's used to blasting bad guys WHEN IT WAS NEVER THE CASE WITH THE TWO AND THE NYPD ARE NOTHING BUT HIRED MURDERERS TO THOSE POOR INNOCENT CRIMINALS! ARUGH! While the season is just sixteen episodes long, the shortest the series has ever had, this season is a drag to sit through! While yes, Kat Tamin is eventually given her Detective status this season, and things do pick up by the fall finale and into the winter premiere as 2021 rolls in, Raphael Barba returned this time as a Defense Attorney in the first of a multiple episode return arc which would have him take on Carisi in the courtroom. And a significant victory for those who have been victimized by the corrupted members of the justice system as Carisi takes down a corrupted judge who was racist and sexist and running for Attorney General. However, these bits of good would ultimately be tested in the episode "Return of The Prodigal Son"! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
And based on what this season has been like, it will have someone legitimately guilty of rape using the Double Jeopardy standard to get himself out of jail and get away with raping again. The SVU squad realizes it's utterly hopeless, and a legacy character returns, helps them get the guy and has him put away for good, and the Squad realizes, "Hey! The Law can work to protect the real innocent and punish those who are really guilty! WHAT A CONCEPT!" But let's get into the episode proper. (Cut to "Return Of The Prodigal Son" intro as Olivia discovers Kathy Stabler's injured body from a car bomb and Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson reunite as all the "Hallelujah"s from Handel's Messiah playing in the foreground and James shrieks in joy! Cut to "Return Of The Prodigal Son" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.):
YES! AFTER ALMOST A DECADE AWAY FROM HIS ICONIC CHARACTER! CHRISTOPHER MELONI RETURNS AS DETECTIVE ELLIOT STABLER! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And my reaction was, "Cool." (Cut to clips of "Return Of The Prodigal Son" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While fans were welcoming of Elliot's return, myself included, after watching a mostly tepid season of episodes that range from anger-inducing to attacks that leave you feeling like the whole thing was a waste of time. Elliot, for all intents and purposes, returned just at the right time and gave the series a new breath of life. Now, having said that, let's dive into the plot itself. The episode begins as Captain Benson is on her way to an award ceremony for her when a 10-13 is called in and discovers the victim of a car bomb attack is Kathy Stabler. And since Kathy is there, Oh Hai Elliot! While the SVU team takes the lead on the Kathy Stabler case, everyone who wasn't a part of the first twelve seasons (Basically everyone in the cast outside of Mariska and Ice-T) tries to see who wanted to kill Kathy or Elliot and see what either Fin or Olivia knows about Stabler. The only one who knows how Elliot returned to the job is Elliot because HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING SINCE LEAVING "SVU." He tells Fin about what he's been doing, how he regained his Detective badge, and what he was doing in New York in the first place, while Fin tells Elliot about Olivia and Noah. Kathy is doing well. However, as the case goes on, the worst happens as Kathy Stabler becomes the Woman in the fridge to springboard Elliot into his own series. (Cut to "Law & Order Organized Crime" clips as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
"Law & Order: Organized Crime," and there are crossover episodes between this series and "SVU" throughout it's run; my thoughts on that series are fantastic. I love Sgt. Bell, played by Danielle Mone Truitt, and Jet Slootmaekers, is amazing and played by Ainsley Seiger. While the rest of the secondary detectives is slowly coming together, I like the single-arc episodes that have the same flare as the "Chicago" series, which is also produced by Dick Wolf as well as the CBS FBI series and the success of "Organized Crime" helped surprisingly breath a breath of fresh air to "SVU." (Cut to clips of Season 22 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The problem is that for the rest of this season of "SVU," everyone worries that Elliot's return would somehow diminish EVERYTHING OLIVIA BENSON, BOTH POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE, HAS GONE THROUGH! (Cut to the clip of The late great Tony Stark in "Captain America: Civil War" as he shouts, "GIVE ME A BREAK!" Cut to clips of Season 22 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Everything Olivia has been through since Elliot Stabler left made her a better officer, detective, superb commanding officer, and a fantastic mom to Noah! Elliot's return has had NO NEGATIVE EFFECTS ON WHERE SHE IS NOW! But I digress; while there is a crossover with "Organized Crime" that does effectively give Olivia closure on the events with her half-brother Simon Marsden. The rest of the season does slightly get better, especially when a young criminal who was put in the funny farm for being psychotic back in Amaro & Rollins' second season got out by playing the sanity card when, in reality, the little punk should've been sent away for life in a prison cell! The season ends thankfully with a happy ending as it appears everyone had survived the long night of madness that swept the season at an event that was going to be a wedding but turned into a full-on celebration for everyone. Even Elliot stops by, and fans get a surprise as Amanda Rollins and Dominic "Sonny" Carisi fall in love, FINALLY, AFTER YEARS OF ROMANTIC BANTER BETWEEN THE TWO, and things may start off better than before. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And with the surprise success of "Organized Crime" and renewed invigoration towards "SVU," NBC decided to revive the Original "Law & Order" with Jack McCoy, played by Sam Waterston, returning full-time, and Detective Kevin Bernard, played by Anthony Anderson, who returned as a passer of the torch to the new guys which included Jeffrey Donovan, Camryn Manheim, Hugh Dancy, and Odelya Halevi in the first season back. But how would that change things in "SVU?" Partly for the better and a little for the worse. (Cut to clips of Season 23 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Season 23 opens the same night at the end of the celebration, as someone deliberately tries to kill Captain Benson, and all the hints point towards "Organized Crime" main antagonist at this point, who is the mastermind who organized Kathy Stabler's murder, Richard Wheatley played by Dylan McDermott. However, as the cold opening of the two-part episode continues, we see what Elliot would look like throughout ninety-five percent of the Fall season on "Organized Crime" until Wheatley's trial in the fall finale of both "SVU" & "Organized Crime." In the meanwhile, fallout from the season finale's case. In one instance, Chief Garland's job is threatened if they can't legitimately solve the case. While that is going on, we're introduced to another new undercover detective in Joe Velasco, played by Octavio Pisano, and I am actually liking his character development as he brings something, not even Nick Amaro did when he joined the "SVU" his own shoes to the mix. He knew that he would be judged for not being one of his predecessors, including Munch, Carisi, Amaro, and of course, Elliot Stabler. But the mere fact is that he was cognizant of his predecessors and is doing his thing to catch the bad guys and rescue the good ones, which makes him excellent in my books. However, as excellent as Velasco is, it can't help the inevitable as Kat Tamin turns in her shield and gun, Chief Garland is fired and replaced by Chief McGrath, played by Terry Serpico, and right from the start, fans HATED HIS STINKIN' GUTS! By the end of the season premiere, he's talking like no one knows at Captain Benson's SVU doesn't know how to do their job. By the end of one episode, McGrath plays both the racial bias and the police officer's matter over citizens' cards, and Captain Olivia Benson finally tells that Jack-Ass where he stands. (Show clip of Olivia Benson telling Chief McGrath where he stands on how Rape Cases work and that EVERY VICTIM MATTERS! And if he involves himself in any future case, not only will she quit, she'll make his life a living hell! Show a black background with the words in white text "Moral Of The Clip? Do something stupid in Captain Olivia Benson's Eyes' YOUR ASS IS GRASS!" Cut to clips of Season 23 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
By the fall finale of both "SVU" AND "Organized Crime" which is a crossover, Wheatley's trial for the murder of Kathy Stabler is underway, and in the corner of the people is ADA Dominic "Sonny" Carisi Jr., representing the murderous mastermind of Kathy Stabler is Rafael Barba! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
The first question I need to ask is, WHY?!? (Cut to Rafael Barba's reasoning as to why he is defending Richard Wheatley as the "BULLSHIT" and "UNBELIEVABLE BULLSHIT" signs from "Airplane II: The Sequel" is intercut between his pauses. Cut to clips of Season 23 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As the episode crosses over to "Organized Crime," Barba got Wheatley off of murdering Kathy Stabler! When that happened, and Elliot got that news while with his kids and two grandsons for a holiday shindig, my reaction was swift and righteous; RAFAEL BARBA WAS DEAD TO ME! Ugh! As "SVU," "Organized Crime," and now the returning Original series heading for their respective final episodes for their seasons. Things get better. Especially in a moment that is only available if you digitally recorded this moment because it's not on YouTube or anywhere else now unless you look somewhere because there is a moment in which Olivia Benson, while celebrating Mother's Day with Noah, FINALLY meets with Elliot Stabler. And to be honest, I really hope there are more fun moments between Noah and Elliot. I can only imagine some of the stories Elliot would tell Noah, like when he and his mom had to deal with certain things from a decade before he was born by Ellie Porter and then adopted by Olivia. But as the season continues, it feels like they are reeking of pandering to the audience by having ten-year-old Noah admit his truth to his mom, and I am fine he did. The season ends with Olivia pondering where she stands with this world and SVU as we possibly get the final legal faceoff between Barba and Carisi, with Carisi getting the minor victory against his former mentor and the a-hole who got Richard Wheatley off of murdering Kathy Stabler. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And now we come to the most recent season. But this season premiere didn't just have its own episode; it's a three-hour crossover between this series, the returning original series for its latest season, and the new season of "Organized Crime." But the title of the crossover actually gave me inspiration to talk about it in a unique way. (James pulls out a guitar and starts to strum the rhythm portion of the song "Gimme Shelter" by the Rolling Stones as John Ross Santos plays the lead, Mike Santos is on the drums, Ed Champion on the keyboards, Paulo Fonseca on guitar and Vocals with Brenda Fonseca and Miranda Ellis on backing vocals with Miranda Ellis on guitar as it cuts to clips of the "Law & Order" Trinity season opener "Gimme Shelter" plays in the background.)

Paulo Fonseca (Singing):
Ooh, the war is breaking between Russia and Ukraine! New York, New York is Shelter, till a refugee's blown away! (Brenda and Miranda join in): LAW & ORDER! All Teams join the case to try and save the day! LAW & ORDER! You're just a step away! It's just a step away! 

Brenda Fonseca and Miranda Ellis (Vocalizing):
Heyy! (Blusy Guitar solo by John Ross Santos)

Paulo Fonseca (Singing):
Ooh, they get a name now, ooh, bad guy, his name! His name is Sirenko; set up a hotel bomb today!(Brenda and Miranda join in): LAW & ORDER! The hotel goes Boom today! Sirenko gets away. LAW & ORDER! You're just a step away! It's just a step away!

Brenda Fonseca and Miranda Ellis (Vocalizing): 
Heyy! 
(Blusy Guitar solo by John Ross Santos, and Miranda Ellis starts to join in to duel in the solo department before Miranda goes for the microphone)

Miranda Ellis (Singing):
HEY! OH ELLIOT! Your insider's time; it's up today! HEYY! The Caa-ase! It's about to go on trial today. The head man revealed today! HEYY! The na-aame! Rublev is arrested today; he almost got away HEYY! (Blusy Guitar solo by John Ross Santos)

Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca and Miranda Ellis (Singing):
Ooh, The Trial begins, and everything is going to hell today! Safehouse, ain't so safe as Amanda is gunned down today (Brenda and Miranda join in): LAW & ORDER! Rollins survives barely, Price gets a-angry, Witness in Canada(Eh!), Deals not-a happening, Rublev is blown away! 

Paulo Fonseca (Singing):
Sirenko's op rolled up, Benson lied, and Frank told his daughter the world's a scary place! (Brenda and Miranda join in): It might be safe her way, but ain't the right of way, right of way, right of way! (The song continues until the song reaches its ending if it was performed live.)

TLOTA:
Ladies and Gentlemen, on the lead vocals and guitar; Mr. Paulo Fonseca, On the Lead guitar; John Ross Santos, On the drums; John's brother Michael, On the Bass Guitar; Andrew "Venice" Beach, On the keyboards; Ed "Grand" Champion and give it up for the ladies singing back-up Brenda Fonseca and Miranda Ellis. Miranda is also an accomplished guitarist and musician, and I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and...Yeah, I just wanted to use this song to set things up for the rest of the most recent season of "Law & Order: SVU" (Cut to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After the three-hour crossover season premiere, all three series settle into normal mode. Except for Amanda, she's been having issues since the shooting. While everyone supports her recovery, it's clear that Amanda is on her way out. And as much as I don't want to bring in behind-the-scenes drama, I have to address the elephant in the room, and that is contract negotiations between actress Kelli Gidish and the showrunners broke down during contract negotiations; While there were no hard feelings between her and the other cast members Kelli decided to gracefully leave the series in the fall finale. In the said fall finale, quite a bit happens; Amanda and Dominic Carisi decide to do the legal ceremony, Amanda tells Olivia that there's an associate professorship with her knowledge of criminal intelligence, and she is a shoo-in for that job, the caveat, of course, is that she has to resign from "SVU," in addition to that we get a subtle nod as to what we'll see in a three-part Winter Finale as we see the BX9 tag on Olivia's apartment (A reference to a gang I failed to mention due to lack of time in the original review, Sorry about that.) and a surprise that even shocks me! (Cut to the clip of Noah Porter-Benson as he tells his mom that he befriended someone who ran a DNA test to discover his friend is actually his brother! Cut to a still of Olivia Benson as she looks surprised about what Noah told her! Cut to James as he is trying to rationalize what he's heard. Cut to still photos of Noah as he gets to the age he's currently while different filters and James says "What?!?!?!" repeatedly for fifteen seconds before static cuts to James in a straightjacket with a disturbed smile on his face and a muzak version of the "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" theme song is playing. Static cuts to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I'm sorry, but WHAT IS GOING ON? How much does Noah know? Does he know about John Drake and fully understand what happened to Ellie Porter and discover that she was his birth mom? Could this be a setup from some other relative that the writers are pulling out of their collective tuchuses? Well, We do meet the family, and to Olivia's surprise, they're actually a loving family and welcoming to both Noah and Olivia! While Olivia is a little apprehensive about Noah's brother's family, Noah accepts them from the word go. In the middle of the upstate trip, Olivia discovers something not kosher, and it's not with the family. It's at the hotel that she notices something is off, and in "SVU," if something is off, then there is something that Olivia can solve; Amanda joins her in putting the Perpetrator away, but after the victory, Amanda tells Olivia the news she wouldn't expect. Amanda is leaving "SVU" in order to take a job as a Professor in Criminal Study, thankfully NOT at Hudson University. But as Amanda rides into the sunset with Carisi still the ADA, it's now up to see who is coming in. First up is Detective Churlish, played by Jasmine Batchelor, who reminds me of Millie's deaf friend from "Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot." Next up is Detective Bruno, played by Kevin Kane, and finally is Detective Grace Muncie, played by Molly Burnett. And of all of them, Muncie had the most screen time. But I digress; following the fall finale and the loss of Amanda Rollins, a gang that was of note a few seasons ago called BX9 has come back in full force, this time attacking Olivia in front of Noah. In a three-week multi-part episode, the SVU team meets with a Bronx Sex Crimes to help clean their house up, and it's here that Detective Bruno joins Benson's SVU. Speaking of Benson, there was a moment that was teased that fans were salivating over, which amounted to nothing. As the season continues, Tutuola has to deal with his past again, in which they briefly referenced retired Sgt. John Munch without mentioning him, and sadly the next episode, which was Directed by Mariska Hargitay and had some of the series' best imagery, would be dedicated to John Munch's actor. Earlier this year, in the south of France, Richard Belzer passed away after another battle with cancer at the age of 78. The cast and crew were devastated, but thankfully, we have his legacy of being the Snarky and Conspiritous John Munch. The season ends in a multi-part crossover with "Organized Crime," in which Detective Muncy can make up for a whopper of a mistake she made in one case earlier this season. However, from this point forward, it's crossover with "Organized Crime" time. Elliot and the Organized Crime Control Bureau bring Amanda Rollins on as a consultant. Apparently, there is a website that is about getting away with crimes like Rape and Murder, and not only is it about getting away with it, they auction off people to be killed or even less horrible crimes to happen to them, and if they have a "selfie" showing that the job was done. However, when they finally meet the mastermind behind the website, he is just some poor kid who feels like an outsider, so to give his life purpose, he came up with a site to give people a chance to take their frustrations out by either raping and or murdering people?!(Cut to a clip of Kurt Russell in "The Thing" as he says, "You've Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me!" Cut to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I actually admit this is a nice twist, the twist I found myself shaking my head, wondering if these writers weren't just pulling one of my legs, but both of them, as Olivia, never opened the gift that Noah's Half Brother's adopted family gave her because she thinks there's something off about them because they come off as a "Normal Family"! (Cut to the Doctor Who clip with the Cyberman as it asks, "Is this the human condition known of madness, leader?" with the Cyber Leader replying, "It is!" Cut to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Olivia Benson was a product of a Rape, and while yes, that may have distorted her views on family life. That doesn't mean that under the surface of the picture-perfect family, there's an issue with the dad being a raging alcoholic and failure at the age of forty, the mom being a complete Kate Gosselin, and Junior and Missy are hoping that some adult can put the pieces together to call ACS and have the parents arrested and they wind up in a foster home! Sometimes people and events are as good as they appear to be. It's not a crime to find that bright side of life, Olivia. If you have a bright side of your life, IT'S FRIGGIN NOAH! YOU WERE THERE WHEN HE WAS A FEW MONTHS OLD AND SOLD TO CHILD PORN PRODUCERS! YOU FOUGHT FOR HIM TO FIND A GOOD HOME, EVEN IF IT WASN'T WITH YOU! YOU FOUND HIS BIRTHMOM WHILE WORKING ON A CASE! AND YES, WHEN ELLIE PORTER WAS BBQ'D AT THE HAND OF HER HANDLER, THE JUDGE MADE A GOOD DECISION TO MAKE YOU NOAH'S MOTHER! SINCE THEN, YOU HAVE BECOME BETTER THAN YOU WERE WHEN YOU ONLY HAD THE JOB AND ELLIOT TO LEAN ON! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
OY VEY! I haven't been this frustrated in my life! (Cut to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Eventually, Olivia is hurt as a hit is attempted. With Olivia and Elliot out, the rest of the SVU and Organized Crime teams find the site's mastermind. One detective is wounded and then dies from those wounds, and after some more moments, that finally leads to getting the site shut down, and, regretfully, the site mastermind spends the rest of his days in a prison cell; Detective Muncy leaves SVU for better pastures, and Elliot tells Liv he's heading out for another OCCB undercover case. But not before giving Olivia one last reminder of him and opening that gift from Noah's Half Brother's family that is "Live, Laugh and Love," which Elliot adjusts by taking the "E" out of the Live portion, thus making it "Liv, Laugh, and Love" subtle touch. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Which is more than I can say about these past few seasons. They've been as subtle as well, 2020! (Cut to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
How this series has fallen in the four years since I last talked about this show is incredible! I am buffaloed about how one of the best shows on TV went downhill like this. This series was about protecting true love and romance from those that wish to sully itself by calling what scum do "Business as usual" when it is, in fact, RAPE! The events of 2020 still linger in the air as this show, instead of trying to gain a better audience by using smart writing and brilliant storytelling with great acting and direction. Instead, they're pandering to the lowest common denominators of society, and that is how everyone is hurting. And since this year, WOULD have celebrated its 25th season. It would most likely going to be delayed thanks to the WGA and SAG/AFTRA strikes. But regardless, this series will continue its fall from grace unless, after this strike, the writers can actually do better than what they're doing now. That's not to say that Mariska and the other producers are blameless; they're the ones who are part of this mess. If I was in a producer's shoes in this show, I would be hopping mad, wanting better scripts and everything to be better. Until the series can return, it's safe to lock these seasons in prison until it finally gets sentenced to Cancellation. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since next month is October, that means it's Halloween season. (A Voice whispers, "And it's been some time since we were together, hasn't it, James.") Oh no! Not you! (Static plays, then cuts to "The Maven Of The Eventide")

The Maven Of The Eventide:
Oh yes, James, it's time for you to serve me again. (Cut to James just as he taps his Smartwatch and says "Halloween Mode" then goes into "Halloween Mode")

TLOTA:
I know you have a husband to help with the kids, but don't you have anyone else in your life? I'm not... Oh no, NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! (Cut to "The Maven Of The Eventide")

The Maven Of The Eventide:
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! For October, You... (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
Monster-tober (Cut to "The Maven Of The Eventide")

The Maven Of The Eventide:
Say what now? (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
From now on, I'm calling my October workload "Monster-tober."(Cut to "The Maven Of The Eventide")

The Maven Of The Eventide:
Okay, for "Monster-tober," you must brace yourself for the madness of "RENFIELD!" (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
Are you going to be involved? (Cut to "The Maven Of The Eventide")

The Maven Of The Eventide:
I'll drop by now and then. (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
Awesome! (The scene cuts to black for five seconds before cutting to the Ninja Cats in Rowdy's tent in Anaheim.)

Perkins:
So let's see if we've got this straight. James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, disappeared in August.

Garfield:
His lady friend disappeared at the same time.

Sam:
An AI Program has created a hologram of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

Cecil:
And James' team is on board with James' AI instead of doing the right thing?! (Cut to Rowdy)

Rowdy:
Oh, trust me, it's infuriating. (Cut to the Ninja Cats)

Cecil:
Haven't seen you this angry since...That year's World Series! (Cut to Rowdy)

Rowdy:
Trust me, I'm about to make That year's World Series reaction look tame in comparison. (Cut to the Ninja Cats)

Cecil:
According to someone inside, James' schedule is locked from now until April 2024, meaning we have some time! (Cut to Rowdy)

Rowdy:
That's the long and short of it. Now, if I were James, my first thought would be to get everyone together, with the exception of James' team. He would then contact me or my creator to ensure he was okay.  But he would also have a backup plan or ten. So hopefully, I can come upon one of them. Maybe find Alex in the meantime. (Cut to the Ninja Cats)

Cecil:
Maybe they decided to... You don't think? (Cut to Rowdy)

Rowdy:
No, James would've told me first. (Rowdy looks at a message) CRAP! (Dramatic music is heard) GET EVERYONE ON JAMES' CONTACTS HERE NOW! (Cut to Cecil)

Cecil:
It can't be that bad (Rowdy puts him in front of the monitor). Okay, it is that bad!

Rowdy:
We're out of time! You get everyone together; I've got to meet with a Professor about a teleportationinator and an AI Holograph–inator! (Rowdy grabs his Louisville Slugger as it cuts to A pod of Mermaids as Julia Alexa Miller and her new friends who have made her believe her name is now "Liquidverve" swim around the island.)

Aquafina:
Liquidverve, you have been here for a month now. Are you still thinking of your old life?

Julia Alexa Miller:
I am not thinking of that, I just have a sense that someone is...

Marintina: 
Don't say it, Liquidverve, He is not coming, and you (Marintina raises her right hand as Julia Alexa Miller looks on)

Aquafina:
Are One (Aquafina raises her right hand as Julia Alexa Miller looks on)

Oceana: 
Of us (Oceana raises her right hand as Julia Alexa Miller looks on, and it cuts to James as he continues to walk, but as the temperature drops, makes James feel freezing. James collapses as it looks like something unnatural is coming when a Sonic Screwdriver scares the being off; James regains some consciousness as a man in a brown cloak looks James over and then pulls his cloak off his head, revealing KiraKennedy dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi.)

Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy:
Hello There! (James continues to look up)

James Faraci:
Ben? Ben Kenobi!

Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy:
Uh, no, Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy! Rest easy, James, you've had quite the trek. You're fortunate to be all in one piece! We'll talk later. It's best that we head indoors, the frost beasts are easily frightened, but they will return and in greater numbers! (James and Kirobi-wan Kenobiddy walk out to fade to black!)

Monday, September 4, 2023

"BAYWATCH"-ing Bad

 (Scene begins as a finger taps on a smartwatch as the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts as it taps the app as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he's played until it cut to his face and the credit of "James Faraci" is shown as it cuts to "The Last Of The Americans'" current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they've played until it cut to their faces and the credits of "Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun" is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they've played until it cut to their faces and the credits of "John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion" is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of "Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath" is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits "Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by Chris Lee Moore and James Faraci" as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into "The Last Of The Americans" and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title "THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS" is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to a chair as James says, "This is the only way this is going to work! Just trust me!" as James makes it to the chair.) 


TLOTA:  
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours! Well, if the countless Smoke signals, letters, e-mails, Facebook comments, tweets, Instagram posts, Snapchats, Reddits, Tumblrs, and Tiktoks are something to notice, then fine, I am finally giving everyone what they want! And what they want is this... (Cut to the 1990s "Baywatch" tv series as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA: 
In 1989, a few years after "Knight Rider" was canceled by NBC, David Hasselhoff was given a chance to star in another series called "Baywatch," which was created by former Lifeguard Gregory J. Bonann, Michael Berk, and Douglas Schwartz (And yes, he is a nephew to the late Sherwood Schwartz). The series did well in the ratings even with network tampering and one cast member's displeasure with the series. However, after one season, it was canceled by NBC, partly due to the financier having gone bankrupt! After purchasing the show back for pennies on the dollar, in 1991, Baywatch became a first-syndication success, reaching ONE BILLION VIEWERS WORLDWIDE! But by the end of the 1990s, after many cast changes and a budget that was out of control, Baywatch ended its nine-year syndication run with a whimper. However, the syndication financiers wanted to milk the cow just a little more, which gave us two spinoffs both with Hasselhoff, Baywatch Nights, which lasted two seasons, and Baywatch Hawaii, which itself lasted two seasons with Hasselhoff jumping ship at the end of the first season. (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
And while yes, the series was ridiculed as nothing more than Soft-Soft-Soft-Soft-Soft core adult entertainment, and with Allison Pregler reminding us of how damned ridiculous the series was, I can say that it's better than what I just sat through! (Cut to the "Baywatch" movie title card, then to the movie clips as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
OY VEY! If this was meant to be a silly romp like "Police Academy" was in the 1980s, it failed; if it was meant to be a satirical look at the series like how Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, and Snoop Dogg did with "Starsky And Hutch" it failed if it was meant to be taken seriously, it failed so hard that it is in Pre-School at 50 as a STUDENT! (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
But let's not take my word for it; let's watch and be tormented by this TNA Nightmare! This is... (Rowdy Jeanie blinks/Jumps in) 


Rowdy: 
FREEDOM!!! 


TLOTA: 
Rowdy? Don’t I keep telling you to give an advanced warning before you pop in like that? 


Rowdy: 
Cut me some slack! Jeannie just up and decided to host her family reunion in my tent! Trust me, you do NOT want to see what happens when a clan of djinn starts talking politics! 


TLOTA: 
Fine, you can stay here; I could probably use backup on this review. 


Rowdy: 
Fine by me. What is this again? 


TLOTA: 
The 2017 movie "Baywatch" (Rowdy “Ughs” and lowers his head in disgust while giving an “I can’t believe I’m dealing with this.” nod) 


ROWDY: 
Out of the frying pan, into the fire. 


Rowdy (V.O.): 
If we were to go over EVERYTHING that the movie differs from the show, we'd be here all day. So, let's get into the main differences. One, the movie is set in Emerald Bay in Florida, whereas the series is set in Malibu, so I already have flashbacks to that godawful “Charlie's Angels” reboot series. Two, David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, who played Mitch Buchanon and C.J. Parker, respectively, make cameos in this movie. Third, Sgt. Garner Ellerbee was such an a-hole in this because the writers never watched an episode where he was asking the Baywatch Team for his help on something, and that was so rare when it happened it was because it was necessary to the plot of an episode. Fourth, they made Mitch Buchanon so unlikeable to some of the others that I wish David Hasselhoff would've gone toe to toe with The Rock even if it ended with the Hoff getting the smackdown layed upon him for making Mitch such a Dr. Cox to everyone. Fifth, and this is the important part; this doesn't feel like an episode from the Syndicated era but rather an episode where NBC was putting every single last note and memo and test audience reaction into the episode(Cut to James and Rowdy physically) 


Rowdy: 
Were you planning to join in? 


TLOTA: 
Actually, I just needed a moment to add something to add to the moment. But you stated everything perfectly. 


Rowdy: 
Okay then. 


TLOTA: 
Whew, close call there, Eric. JOHN! SHUT UP! ED! HE'S HEARING WHAT WE'RE SAYING! EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T NEED TO BE HERE, VAMINOS ESTUPIDOS! What? 


Rowdy: 
Are you sure you're okay, James? 


TLOTA: 
I'm fine(Rowdy is looking at James as if James is not his normal self and is a little more scared to be around James. Cut to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers) 


Rowdy (V.O.): 
We open on the beaches of Florida as Mitch Buchanon, played this time by Dwayne Johnson, rescuing a windsurfer losing control. Well, The Rock can handle rip tides better than Hulk Hogan. 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
We then find Mitch as he is on patrol when a kid comes upon a pouch of Flakka, calling the cops, bringing in the right people to fix this mess (Pfft!) Screw that for a long time, we got ourselves tryouts to join the team.  


Rowdy (V.O.): 
I can only imagine those being interesting. (Cut to Ed Champion, Andrew Beach, Nick Yaun, and Paulo Fonseca as they stand in the men's Lifeguard Red Swim trunks and Rebecca Yaun, Olivia Horvath, and Brenda Fonseca in the Iconic Red Lifeguard Women's Swimsuits with Zaftig padding in the women’s swimsuits as three voices whisper in the background for ten seconds.) 


The employer (Voiced by John Ross Santos): 
Would numbers 3 and 4 in the men's division and all the women in the female division please step forward? (Paulo, Nick, Rebecca, Olivia, Brenda, and Olivia step forward) You're hired! (Andrew and Ed walk away dejected. Cut to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
After going through an obstacle course that only could be considered "American Ninja Warrior" lite and a test that is so dumb, even idiots who couldn't pass the one-question test of "Who the first President of the United States was?" Three names join the team. Ronnie, who is your stereotypical dork, Summer Quinn, played by HOLY MADRE DE JESUS DE CHRISTO! Uh, I meant to say Alexandria Daddario and disgraced Olympic Swimmer Matt Brody played by Zac Efron. And from the beginning, Matt comes off as a douche, Summer comes off as a decent lifeguard, and Ronnie is a horny (two-second pause) schmuck representing the Baywatch Fandom in the 1990s. But I digress. At one moment, we come upon Matt and Mitch as they come upon "The Devil's Urchin," which I will call plot point deus ex machina later in this review. The villainess of this movie comes in just to introduce herself, and then the team discovers a yacht that is about to go boom! Everyone is rescued except for city council member Rodriguez. Mitch begins an investigation as to who killed him. (Cut to James and Rowdy physically) 


TLOTA: 
Well, maybe it was the obvious villain who lives on the beach and is dealing in illicit drugs! What? 


Rowdy: 
You do realize E-Rod's last name is Rodriguez. 


TLOTA: 
So? It could be a coincidence; there are a few hundred million Rodríguezes out there. Phew, it is getting too close for comfort! 


Rowdy: 
What did you say? 


TLOTA: 
Nothing! (Rowdy is getting more suspicious of James as it cuts to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers) 


Rowdy (V.O.): 
Going on a hunch, our heroes get themselves invited to one of her beach fiestas for an evidence search. Have we said how dumb this movie is? (Cut to actual lifeguards as they do their jobs of rescuing people as Rowdy does a voiceover.) 


Rowdy (V.O.): 
A lifeguard must be helpful to the people on the beach, they must be up to date with the latest in CPR and first aid should someone drown. They must be courteous to the guests and protect them from dangers on the beach and in the water. They must be in some form of fit condition and can swim, obviously, and they do NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO INVESTIGATE A CRIME ON THEIR BEACHES! THAT IS WHY POLICE PRECINCTS AT THE BEACHES TO WORK IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE LIFEGUARDS, AND THE POLICE ARE THE ONES TO INVESTIGATE THE CRIMES ON THE BEACHES! (Cut to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
To distract the villain, comedy relief is necessary, not exactly wanted at this moment as our heroes come up with (two-second pause) BUPKIS! Meaning all of what you saw was as big a waste of time as the entirety of “Josie And The Pussycats!” Desperate, our heroes get dressed to work in the hospital and the morgue to examine the body.  


Rowdy (V.O.): 
While doing that, Mitch decides to embarrass Matt, and at this point, even Dr. Cox would say to Mitch, “Give the guy a break!” Two thugs engage in getting evidence that leads to possibly the dumbest fight sequence in all of cinema! Their captain is pissed off at what Mitch did, which was, again, OVERSTEPPING HIS BOUNDARIES AS A LIFEGUARD AND IS FIRED! (Cut to James and Rowdy physically) 


Rowdy: 
I honestly don’t know how you’re so calm now. 


TLOTA: 
To be honest, I’ve had to watch so much of the series for this review; nothing the movie is doing is upsetting me. 


Rowdy: 
Wait, are you currently in a state of Baywatch Nirvana right now. 


TLOTA: 
NO! I’m what would be considered Comfortably Numb! Going to College has given me a newfound appreciation of Pink Floyd. (James sighs and silently mouths “This review is going to kill us and this program!” Rowdy turns to James and cleans his ears out. Cut to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Matt quietly helps Ellerbee out by getting the two guys, who happen to be the same guys they met in the morgue, and does something that real lifeguards do to work in conjuncture with the local police precincts, HAND OVER THE EVIDENCE THEY OBTAINED AND LET THEM INVESTIGATE! That is until Ronnie’s friend is found murdered the same way the Congressman was, and surprisingly, Ronnie does not do gross-out comedy, save for the obvious wallpaper on his computer. Ronnie hacks into the villain’s plan to use the drugs she smuggles into... 


Rowdy (V.O.): 
Let me guess, take over the world? 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
No, take over the beach! At this point, an episode of “Son Of The Beach” sounds more like an actual plot of the movie! 


Rowdy (V.O.): 
You’re not that far off as guess who convinces Mitch to get back to the investigation? 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Ellerbee? Oh no, it’s Hasselhoff, isn’t it?! (Cut to the cameo from Hasselhoff and then to James and Rowdy as Rowdy tries to brain himself with the Louisville Slugger and James’ head goes through the desk as he cries, and Rowdy stops long enough to see James’ head go through the desk without hearing the thuds.) 


Rowdy: 
James, it might be the blows to the head from the Louisville Slugger I took, but it looked like your head went through the desk without it breaking or the thuds of your head being heard. 


TLOTA: 
Go with that. 


Rowdy: 
With what? The blows to the head make it look like I had seen you go through the desk and not hear the thuds? 


TLOTA: 
Yes! (Rowdy is both scared and confused at what is happening. Cut to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers) 


Rowdy (V.O.): 
Our heroes have infiltrated the yacht to discover the boat hull is carrying illegal narcotics; the villainess admits that she bribed the captain to fire Mitch and sends Matt to his death. However, Matt escapes the cage but is delusionally crazed into thinking he’s being rescued and given mouth-to-mouth by Quinn when it’s in fact, Mitch! Thank God and heaven, this movie is almost over! 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Mitch gets hit with plot point Deus Ex Machina, goes into a tear through the villain’s henchmen, rescues Ronnie and C.J. as Ronnie sets off the fireworks, and Mitch disintegrates the villain with A Roman Candle! The thugs, the captain and everyone else involved in the Drug Smuggling, Mitch is given the antidote, and this movie, MERCIFULLY ENDS as the team meets their new boss Casey Jean played by Pamela Anderson! I’m done at this point! (Cut to James and Rowdy physically) 


Rowdy: 
Me too, THIS MOVIE IS ONE OF THE WORST ADAPTATIONS OF A TV SERIES I’VE EVER SEEN! (Cut to clips of the movie as James and Rowdy do voiceovers) 


Rowdy (V.O.): 
I won’t say this thing is WORSE than the Jem And The Holograms movie, but it’s damn close! It really says a lot when everything is so poorly put together; it makes you wish Zac Efron had stuck to High School Musical and The Rock had stuck to Jumanji! 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Oh, trust me, I agree it’s one of the worst adaptations of TV series, and when it makes a man pine for the cheesy, campy series that by today’s standards would’ve been canceled after four seasons. That is something not many movies can do to me. If you can, avoid it as much as you would avoid Covid! (Cut to James and Rowdy physically) 


Rowdy: 
Well, thanks for this bit of...(Rowdy’s hand goes through James’ shoulder and onto the desk with the same sound effect of Al’s Hologram in “Quantum Leap” being disturbed, and Rowdy’s hand goes through James’ shoulder on the way back.) WHAT THE FRACK IS THIS?! (Rowdy jumps back in fear of the Holographic James.) 


TLOTA: 
I can... (Rowdy runs off in fear as he closes the door, Holographic James’ head pops through the door with the same sound effect of Al’s Hologram in “Quantum Leap” being disturbed.) Rowdy! (Cut to Rowdy as he falls outside of the Editing Bay, where some voices are being heard, and as Rowdy opens the door and sees John and Mike Santos, Paulo Fonseca, and Chad Narducci working with an AI program that made the Holographic James.) 


Paulo Fonseca: 
An explanation is possibly long overdue! (Cut to Rowdy) 


Rowdy: 
AN EXPLANATION?! NARDUCCI, ARE YOU THIS MORALLY CORRUPT THAT YOU FIRED JAMES AND REPLACED HIM WITH AN AI HOLOGRAM THAT YOU PROGRAMMED TO SAY WHAT YOU WANTED JAMES TO SAY? (Holographic James passes through everyone with the same sound effect of Al’s Hologram in “Quantum Leap” being disturbed as he raises his hand, and everyone is silent.) 


TLOTA: 
You may want to take a seat; it’s a whopper! (Cut to an hour later as Rowdy sits there in shock and anger) 


Rowdy: 
So instead of looking for James and Alex in August after they disappeared and trying to find them, you went the AI route to disguise James’ disappearance. (Cut to Holographic James) 


TLOTA: 
Not really; James has enough work completed for the rest of the year and his season premiere for next year. He just never got to get around to working this out. (Cut to Paulo and Brenda Fonseca.) 


Paulo Fonseca: 
When we heard he had a crossover with the Baywatch movie with you this month, we worked double time to find out how to get it to work, literally, SECONDS before you came. (Cut to Rowdy) 


Rowdy: 
IT’S STILL AN AI PROGRAM! IT’S EVERYTHING THE SAG-AFTRA AND WGA ARE AGAINST, WHAT THEY’RE STRIKING OVER! YOU GUYS ARE OUT OF HAND! I’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! YOU GUYS MAKE ME SICK... (Holographic James pops in) 


TLOTA: 
You’re upset, I get it (Rowdy gets angrier and stands up) 


Rowdy: 
YOU’RE A GOD DAMN PROGRAM THAT ONLY LOOKS LIKE JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! YOU’RE NOT HIM! YOU DON’T GET ME AT ALL! And as far as I’m concerned with you guys! You’ve disrespected EVERYTHING James stands for! And yet, despite all of it, he would show you infinite patience! Probably more than I will with any of you ever again! (Rowdy walks out of the building angrier than he has ever been. Cut to the Holographic James and team TLOTA) 


TLOTA: 
Don’t worry, just give him time, he and the rest of the world will understand!  


Team TLOTA (Hypnotized): 
The world will understand! (Cut to the middle of nowhere where the real James Faraci is walking, looking for his destination.) 


James Faraci (Internal thought): 
So, my memory has come back slightly. I remember my name. I am James Faraci. I am traveling west; what I will find out there may be the key to what has happened to me. I don’t know how I ended up at those crossroads and where the voice told me to go west. Whatever is out there in the West, it will take me to where I need to be. I don’t know who I will meet or where I will go. Whatever happens, I must find myself and what it is I lost. (Cut to the ocean as Julia Alexa Miller is still as a mermaid, this time trying to sun herself to try and regain her legs as she hears people coming as three mermaids arrive.) 


Mermaid 1 (Played by Crosslyn Castillo): 
Hello! (Julia Alexa Miller screams and drops into the water; the mermaids circle around her as she floats back to the surface.)

 

Julia Alexa Miller: 
DAMN IT! I nearly had my legs back!

 

Mermaid 2 (Played by Elle Jimenez): 
Wait, you want to be human? 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
I am human! I don’t know how, but I woke up a mermaid, and now I’m trying to regain my legs and hope to find James Faraci! 


Mermaid 3 (Played by Hunter Dino): 
Oh, One of them! Emmalina’s Descendants. 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
Emmalina’s Descendants?! I am Julia Alexa Miller, a human being, a photographer, and a social media Icon, under liquid verve! 


Mermaid 1: 
Verve? That sounds like one of us! Welcome, Verve; I am Marintina. 


Mermaid 2: 
I am Oceana! 


Mermaid 3: 
And I am Aquafina!  


Marintina, Oceana and Aquafina (In unison): 
And we welcome you to our pod, descendent of Emmalina, Lady Liquid Verve. 


Julia Alexa Miller (frustrated): 
I am Alex Miller. I’m not a descendant of Emmalina; I’m a human being; I’m NOT a mermaid! 


Marintina: 
Well, let me think, if you have a mermaid's tail, you can breathe water like a mermaid, swim like a mermaid, and you are as beautiful as a mermaid. You ARE a mermaid! You are one of us! Give it time, and you will accept it. For You (Marintina places her right hand on Julia Alexa Miller’s Tail) 


Oceana: 
Are one... (Oceana places her right hand on Julia Alexa Miller’s Tail) 


Aquafina: 
Of US! (Aquafina places her right hand on Julia Alexa Miller’s Tail and the tail begins to glow and as Julia Alexa Miller tries to protest until she begins to relax her mind.)


Julia Alexa Miller: 

Oh, my tail, everything feels better. I remember someone, and he is coming for me. If he finds me, I wonder how he will react to me. 


Aquafina: 
Don’t fret; you’re one of us. 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
I am a mermaid; I am one of you. (The four mermaids dive into the water as Julia Alexa Miller swims with them her internal thought is “James, find me quickly, Please Help me!” The scene fades to black. Cut to white text on a black background “To be continued in 2024! From this moment forward, everything has been prerecorded until the summer of 2024 except for certain storyline post-review moments.)