(Scene begins as a finger taps on a smartwatch as the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts as it taps the app as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he's played until it cut to his face and the credit of "James Faraci" is shown as it cuts to "The Last Of The Americans'" current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they've played until it cut to their faces and the credits of "Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun" is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they've played until it cut to their faces and the credits of "John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion" is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of "Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath" is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits "Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by Chris Lee Moore and James Faraci" as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into "The Last Of The Americans" and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title "THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS" is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to a chair as James says, "This is the only way this is going to work! Just trust me!" as James makes it to the chair.)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours! Well, if the countless Smoke signals, letters, e-mails, Facebook comments, tweets, Instagram posts, Snapchats, Reddits, Tumblrs, and Tiktoks are something to notice, then fine, I am finally giving everyone what they want! And what they want is this... (Cut to the 1990s "Baywatch" tv series as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA:
In 1989, a few years after "Knight Rider" was canceled by NBC, David Hasselhoff was given a chance to star in another series called "Baywatch," which was created by former Lifeguard Gregory J. Bonann, Michael Berk, and Douglas Schwartz (And yes, he is a nephew to the late Sherwood Schwartz). The series did well in the ratings even with network tampering and one cast member's displeasure with the series. However, after one season, it was canceled by NBC, partly due to the financier having gone bankrupt! After purchasing the show back for pennies on the dollar, in 1991, Baywatch became a first-syndication success, reaching ONE BILLION VIEWERS WORLDWIDE! But by the end of the 1990s, after many cast changes and a budget that was out of control, Baywatch ended its nine-year syndication run with a whimper. However, the syndication financiers wanted to milk the cow just a little more, which gave us two spinoffs both with Hasselhoff, Baywatch Nights, which lasted two seasons, and Baywatch Hawaii, which itself lasted two seasons with Hasselhoff jumping ship at the end of the first season. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And while yes, the series was ridiculed as nothing more than Soft-Soft-Soft-Soft-Soft core adult entertainment, and with Allison Pregler reminding us of how damned ridiculous the series was, I can say that it's better than what I just sat through! (Cut to the "Baywatch" movie title card, then to the movie clips as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
OY VEY! If this was meant to be a silly romp like "Police Academy" was in the 1980s, it failed; if it was meant to be a satirical look at the series like how Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, and Snoop Dogg did with "Starsky And Hutch" it failed if it was meant to be taken seriously, it failed so hard that it is in Pre-School at 50 as a STUDENT! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
But let's not take my word for it; let's watch and be tormented by this TNA Nightmare! This is... (Rowdy Jeanie blinks/Jumps in)
Rowdy:
FREEDOM!!!
TLOTA:
Rowdy? Don’t I keep telling you to give an advanced warning before you pop in like that?
Rowdy:
Cut me some slack! Jeannie just up and decided to host her family reunion in my tent! Trust me, you do NOT want to see what happens when a clan of djinn starts talking politics!
TLOTA:
Fine, you can stay here; I could probably use backup on this review.
Rowdy:
Fine by me. What is this again?
TLOTA:
The 2017 movie "Baywatch" (Rowdy “Ughs” and lowers his head in disgust while giving an “I can’t believe I’m dealing with this.” nod)
ROWDY:
Out of the frying pan, into the fire.
Rowdy (V.O.):
If we were to go over EVERYTHING that the movie differs from the show, we'd be here all day. So, let's get into the main differences. One, the movie is set in Emerald Bay in Florida, whereas the series is set in Malibu, so I already have flashbacks to that godawful “Charlie's Angels” reboot series. Two, David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, who played Mitch Buchanon and C.J. Parker, respectively, make cameos in this movie. Third, Sgt. Garner Ellerbee was such an a-hole in this because the writers never watched an episode where he was asking the Baywatch Team for his help on something, and that was so rare when it happened it was because it was necessary to the plot of an episode. Fourth, they made Mitch Buchanon so unlikeable to some of the others that I wish David Hasselhoff would've gone toe to toe with The Rock even if it ended with the Hoff getting the smackdown layed upon him for making Mitch such a Dr. Cox to everyone. Fifth, and this is the important part; this doesn't feel like an episode from the Syndicated era but rather an episode where NBC was putting every single last note and memo and test audience reaction into the episode. (Cut to James and Rowdy physically)
Rowdy:
Were you planning to join in?
TLOTA:
Actually, I just needed a moment to add something to add to the moment. But you stated everything perfectly.
Rowdy:
Okay then.
TLOTA:
Whew, close call there, Eric. JOHN! SHUT UP! ED! HE'S HEARING WHAT WE'RE SAYING! EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T NEED TO BE HERE, VAMINOS ESTUPIDOS! What?
Rowdy:
Are you sure you're okay, James?
TLOTA:
I'm fine. (Rowdy is looking at James as if James is not his normal self and is a little more scared to be around James. Cut to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (V.O.):
We open on the beaches of Florida as Mitch Buchanon, played this time by Dwayne Johnson, rescuing a windsurfer losing control. Well, The Rock can handle rip tides better than Hulk Hogan.
TLOTA (V.O.):
We then find Mitch as he is on patrol when a kid comes upon a pouch of Flakka, calling the cops, bringing in the right people to fix this mess (Pfft!) Screw that for a long time, we got ourselves tryouts to join the team.
Rowdy (V.O.):
I can only imagine those being interesting. (Cut to Ed Champion, Andrew Beach, Nick Yaun, and Paulo Fonseca as they stand in the men's Lifeguard Red Swim trunks and Rebecca Yaun, Olivia Horvath, and Brenda Fonseca in the Iconic Red Lifeguard Women's Swimsuits with Zaftig padding in the women’s swimsuits as three voices whisper in the background for ten seconds.)
The employer (Voiced by John Ross Santos):
Would numbers 3 and 4 in the men's division and all the women in the female division please step forward? (Paulo, Nick, Rebecca, Olivia, Brenda, and Olivia step forward) You're hired! (Andrew and Ed walk away dejected. Cut to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After going through an obstacle course that only could be considered "American Ninja Warrior" lite and a test that is so dumb, even idiots who couldn't pass the one-question test of "Who the first President of the United States was?" Three names join the team. Ronnie, who is your stereotypical dork, Summer Quinn, played by HOLY MADRE DE JESUS DE CHRISTO! Uh, I meant to say Alexandria Daddario and disgraced Olympic Swimmer Matt Brody played by Zac Efron. And from the beginning, Matt comes off as a douche, Summer comes off as a decent lifeguard, and Ronnie is a horny (two-second pause) schmuck representing the Baywatch Fandom in the 1990s. But I digress. At one moment, we come upon Matt and Mitch as they come upon "The Devil's Urchin," which I will call plot point deus ex machina later in this review. The villainess of this movie comes in just to introduce herself, and then the team discovers a yacht that is about to go boom! Everyone is rescued except for city council member Rodriguez. Mitch begins an investigation as to who killed him. (Cut to James and Rowdy physically)
TLOTA:
Well, maybe it was the obvious villain who lives on the beach and is dealing in illicit drugs! What?
Rowdy:
You do realize E-Rod's last name is Rodriguez.
TLOTA:
So? It could be a coincidence; there are a few hundred million Rodríguezes out there. Phew, it is getting too close for comfort!
Rowdy:
What did you say?
TLOTA:
Nothing! (Rowdy is getting more suspicious of James as it cuts to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (V.O.):
Going on a hunch, our heroes get themselves invited to one of her beach fiestas for an evidence search. Have we said how dumb this movie is? (Cut to actual lifeguards as they do their jobs of rescuing people as Rowdy does a voiceover.)
Rowdy (V.O.):
A lifeguard must be helpful to the people on the beach, they must be up to date with the latest in CPR and first aid should someone drown. They must be courteous to the guests and protect them from dangers on the beach and in the water. They must be in some form of fit condition and can swim, obviously, and they do NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO INVESTIGATE A CRIME ON THEIR BEACHES! THAT IS WHY POLICE PRECINCTS AT THE BEACHES TO WORK IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE LIFEGUARDS, AND THE POLICE ARE THE ONES TO INVESTIGATE THE CRIMES ON THE BEACHES! (Cut to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers)
TLOTA (V.O.):
To distract the villain, comedy relief is necessary, not exactly wanted at this moment as our heroes come up with (two-second pause) BUPKIS! Meaning all of what you saw was as big a waste of time as the entirety of “Josie And The Pussycats!” Desperate, our heroes get dressed to work in the hospital and the morgue to examine the body.
Rowdy (V.O.):
While doing that, Mitch decides to embarrass Matt, and at this point, even Dr. Cox would say to Mitch, “Give the guy a break!” Two thugs engage in getting evidence that leads to possibly the dumbest fight sequence in all of cinema! Their captain is pissed off at what Mitch did, which was, again, OVERSTEPPING HIS BOUNDARIES AS A LIFEGUARD AND IS FIRED! (Cut to James and Rowdy physically)
Rowdy:
I honestly don’t know how you’re so calm now.
TLOTA:
To be honest, I’ve had to watch so much of the series for this review; nothing the movie is doing is upsetting me.
Rowdy:
Wait, are you currently in a state of Baywatch Nirvana right now.
TLOTA:
NO! I’m what would be considered Comfortably Numb! Going to College has given me a newfound appreciation of Pink Floyd. (James sighs and silently mouths “This review is going to kill us and this program!” Rowdy turns to James and cleans his ears out. Cut to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Matt quietly helps Ellerbee out by getting the two guys, who happen to be the same guys they met in the morgue, and does something that real lifeguards do to work in conjuncture with the local police precincts, HAND OVER THE EVIDENCE THEY OBTAINED AND LET THEM INVESTIGATE! That is until Ronnie’s friend is found murdered the same way the Congressman was, and surprisingly, Ronnie does not do gross-out comedy, save for the obvious wallpaper on his computer. Ronnie hacks into the villain’s plan to use the drugs she smuggles into...
Rowdy (V.O.):
Let me guess, take over the world?
TLOTA (V.O.):
No, take over the beach! At this point, an episode of “Son Of The Beach” sounds more like an actual plot of the movie!
Rowdy (V.O.):
You’re not that far off as guess who convinces Mitch to get back to the investigation?
TLOTA (V.O.):
Ellerbee? Oh no, it’s Hasselhoff, isn’t it?! (Cut to the cameo from Hasselhoff and then to James and Rowdy as Rowdy tries to brain himself with the Louisville Slugger and James’ head goes through the desk as he cries, and Rowdy stops long enough to see James’ head go through the desk without hearing the thuds.)
Rowdy:
James, it might be the blows to the head from the Louisville Slugger I took, but it looked like your head went through the desk without it breaking or the thuds of your head being heard.
TLOTA:
Go with that.
Rowdy:
With what? The blows to the head make it look like I had seen you go through the desk and not hear the thuds?
TLOTA:
Yes! (Rowdy is both scared and confused at what is happening. Cut to the movie as Rowdy and James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (V.O.):
Our heroes have infiltrated the yacht to discover the boat hull is carrying illegal narcotics; the villainess admits that she bribed the captain to fire Mitch and sends Matt to his death. However, Matt escapes the cage but is delusionally crazed into thinking he’s being rescued and given mouth-to-mouth by Quinn when it’s in fact, Mitch! Thank God and heaven, this movie is almost over!
TLOTA (V.O.):
Mitch gets hit with plot point Deus Ex Machina, goes into a tear through the villain’s henchmen, rescues Ronnie and C.J. as Ronnie sets off the fireworks, and Mitch disintegrates the villain with A Roman Candle! The thugs, the captain and everyone else involved in the Drug Smuggling, Mitch is given the antidote, and this movie, MERCIFULLY ENDS as the team meets their new boss Casey Jean played by Pamela Anderson! I’m done at this point! (Cut to James and Rowdy physically)
Rowdy:
Me too, THIS MOVIE IS ONE OF THE WORST ADAPTATIONS OF A TV SERIES I’VE EVER SEEN! (Cut to clips of the movie as James and Rowdy do voiceovers)
Rowdy (V.O.):
I won’t say this thing is WORSE than the Jem And The Holograms movie, but it’s damn close! It really says a lot when everything is so poorly put together; it makes you wish Zac Efron had stuck to High School Musical and The Rock had stuck to Jumanji!
TLOTA (V.O.):
Oh, trust me, I agree it’s one of the worst adaptations of TV series, and when it makes a man pine for the cheesy, campy series that by today’s standards would’ve been canceled after four seasons. That is something not many movies can do to me. If you can, avoid it as much as you would avoid Covid! (Cut to James and Rowdy physically)
Rowdy:
Well, thanks for this bit of...(Rowdy’s hand goes through James’ shoulder and onto the desk with the same sound effect of Al’s Hologram in “Quantum Leap” being disturbed, and Rowdy’s hand goes through James’ shoulder on the way back.) WHAT THE FRACK IS THIS?! (Rowdy jumps back in fear of the Holographic James.)
TLOTA:
I can... (Rowdy runs off in fear as he closes the door, Holographic James’ head pops through the door with the same sound effect of Al’s Hologram in “Quantum Leap” being disturbed.) Rowdy! (Cut to Rowdy as he falls outside of the Editing Bay, where some voices are being heard, and as Rowdy opens the door and sees John and Mike Santos, Paulo Fonseca, and Chad Narducci working with an AI program that made the Holographic James.)
Paulo Fonseca:
An explanation is possibly long overdue! (Cut to Rowdy)
Rowdy:
AN EXPLANATION?! NARDUCCI, ARE YOU THIS MORALLY CORRUPT THAT YOU FIRED JAMES AND REPLACED HIM WITH AN AI HOLOGRAM THAT YOU PROGRAMMED TO SAY WHAT YOU WANTED JAMES TO SAY? (Holographic James passes through everyone with the same sound effect of Al’s Hologram in “Quantum Leap” being disturbed as he raises his hand, and everyone is silent.)
TLOTA:
You may want to take a seat; it’s a whopper! (Cut to an hour later as Rowdy sits there in shock and anger)
Rowdy:
So instead of looking for James and Alex in August after they disappeared and trying to find them, you went the AI route to disguise James’ disappearance. (Cut to Holographic James)
TLOTA:
Not really; James has enough work completed for the rest of the year and his season premiere for next year. He just never got to get around to working this out. (Cut to Paulo and Brenda Fonseca.)
Paulo Fonseca:
When we heard he had a crossover with the Baywatch movie with you this month, we worked double time to find out how to get it to work, literally, SECONDS before you came. (Cut to Rowdy)
Rowdy:
IT’S STILL AN AI PROGRAM! IT’S EVERYTHING THE SAG-AFTRA AND WGA ARE AGAINST, WHAT THEY’RE STRIKING OVER! YOU GUYS ARE OUT OF HAND! I’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! YOU GUYS MAKE ME SICK... (Holographic James pops in)
TLOTA:
You’re upset, I get it (Rowdy gets angrier and stands up)
Rowdy:
YOU’RE A GOD DAMN PROGRAM THAT ONLY LOOKS LIKE JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! YOU’RE NOT HIM! YOU DON’T GET ME AT ALL! And as far as I’m concerned with you guys! You’ve disrespected EVERYTHING James stands for! And yet, despite all of it, he would show you infinite patience! Probably more than I will with any of you ever again! (Rowdy walks out of the building angrier than he has ever been. Cut to the Holographic James and team TLOTA)
TLOTA:
Don’t worry, just give him time, he and the rest of the world will understand!
Team TLOTA (Hypnotized):
The world will understand! (Cut to the middle of nowhere where the real James Faraci is walking, looking for his destination.)
James Faraci (Internal thought):
So, my memory has come back slightly. I remember my name. I am James Faraci. I am traveling west; what I will find out there may be the key to what has happened to me. I don’t know how I ended up at those crossroads and where the voice told me to go west. Whatever is out there in the West, it will take me to where I need to be. I don’t know who I will meet or where I will go. Whatever happens, I must find myself and what it is I lost. (Cut to the ocean as Julia Alexa Miller is still as a mermaid, this time trying to sun herself to try and regain her legs as she hears people coming as three mermaids arrive.)
Mermaid 1 (Played by Crosslyn Castillo):
Hello! (Julia Alexa Miller screams and drops into the water; the mermaids circle around her as she floats back to the surface.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
DAMN IT! I nearly had my legs back!
Mermaid 2 (Played by Elle Jimenez):
Wait, you want to be human?
Julia Alexa Miller:
I am human! I don’t know how, but I woke up a mermaid, and now I’m trying to regain my legs and hope to find James Faraci!
Mermaid 3 (Played by Hunter Dino):
Oh, One of them! Emmalina’s Descendants.
Julia Alexa Miller:
Emmalina’s Descendants?! I am Julia Alexa Miller, a human being, a photographer, and a social media Icon, under liquid verve!
Mermaid 1:
Verve? That sounds like one of us! Welcome, Verve; I am Marintina.
Mermaid 2:
I am Oceana!
Mermaid 3:
And I am Aquafina!
Marintina, Oceana and Aquafina (In unison):
And we welcome you to our pod, descendent of Emmalina, Lady Liquid Verve.
Julia Alexa Miller (frustrated):
I am Alex Miller. I’m not a descendant of Emmalina; I’m a human being; I’m NOT a mermaid!
Marintina:
Well, let me think, if you have a mermaid's tail, you can breathe water like a mermaid, swim like a mermaid, and you are as beautiful as a mermaid. You ARE a mermaid! You are one of us! Give it time, and you will accept it. For You (Marintina places her right hand on Julia Alexa Miller’s Tail)
Oceana:
Are one... (Oceana places her right hand on Julia Alexa Miller’s Tail)
Aquafina:
Of US! (Aquafina places her right hand on Julia Alexa Miller’s Tail and the tail begins to glow and as Julia Alexa Miller tries to protest until she begins to relax her mind.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh, my tail, everything feels better. I remember someone, and he is coming for me. If he finds me, I wonder how he will react to me.
Aquafina:
Don’t fret; you’re one of us.
Julia Alexa Miller:
I am a mermaid; I am one of you. (The four mermaids dive into the water as Julia Alexa Miller swims with them her internal thought is “James, find me quickly, Please Help me!” The scene fades to black. Cut to white text on a black background “To be continued in 2024! From this moment forward, everything has been prerecorded until the summer of 2024 except for certain storyline post-review moments.)
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