How to have a Happy & Safe Halloween

(Opening credits of "Tales From The Crypt" play as it reaches the casket of the Crypt keeper and the lid pops open to reveal James Faraci The Last Of The Americans kicking back in the casket)

TLOTA: What, did you expect the Crypt keeper? (Then Opening credits resume as Slime covers the whole scene and the Crypt keeper says "The Last Of The Americans" then cuts to James at his office.)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views...Actually the Tips I'm about to give come from a WHOLE lot of personal experience. Now brace yourself for a long, long time up until 2001 I trick or treated and I was born in 1982, think about that. I went as E.T., Sylvester the Cat from "Looney Tunes", A pumpkin, A Ghostbuster, A hunter, An agent for the FBI, A Football Coach, The Riddler, the list is endless. So to say I have experience is an understatement and with that I want to give you guys some tips on how to have a Happy & Safe Halloween and have fun along the way. (Show a whole lot of images involved with Halloween and the "Silver Shamrock" jingle from "Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch" play then cuts to James in the middle of his living room.)

TLOTA: If you are a trick or treat connoisseur like I am you'll have of course "Reese's Cups", your M&M's, your Twix, your Rice Krispies treats, your Nestle Crunch Bars, your Kit Kat Bars and your Popcorn balls but if you really want to have people bring their kids make sure you have something unique and I don't mean just something make a treat that'll bring kids to your place like Smoked doughnuts or even Apple Taffy even a homemade novelty candy like one that looks like a candy from Candy Crush Saga and with all the social networks kids will flock to your place like the Sparrows of Capistrano. (James walks away and it cuts to James' office.) If you choose to dress up for either Trick Or Treating with your kids, A Halloween Party or a combination thereof make sure you stay with the theme, take for example myself and my comrades Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca are going to a Halloween Party with the cast of "GLEE" and it so happens the theme just so happens to be "The End Of The World" in which Paulo is Daryl Dixon from "The Walking Dead" and Rebecca is HOLY FRIJOLES! What are you?

Rebecca: Zombie Kourtney Kardashian.

TLOTA: Well, there is only one other person outside of Daryl from "The Walking Dead" to defuse this situation. (Cut to montage scene of James going into the back room, getting dressed up as Ash from "Army Of Darkness" then cut to the door to the music from when Ash gets his Chainsaw hand in "Evil Dead 2" as camera pans up to have James twirl his double barreled shotgun into his holster)

TLOTA: Groovy! (James cell phone goes off.) Excuse me for a moment. (James answers his cell phone)

Paulo: His cell phone tone is still the theme from Power Rangers?

Rebecca: I guess he's still a fan. (Cut to James in a van with his nieces)

TLOTA: Well due to my brother and my sister in law not feeling well, I got roped into taking my three nieces into Trick or Treating but you guys know I don't mind, right?

Madison & Mallory: We know.

TLOTA: Besides this will be great for the next tip for adults having to take kids Trick or Treating. When you have to take kids Trick or Treating make sure you take them out with at least two hours of sunlight left but make sure it's after dinner.

Madison: Is that why we had dinner at five o'clock?

TLOTA: Yep.

Mallory: And why we had fifteen minutes after we were done with dinner to get into our costumes and our little sister Vivian as well. (Vivian babbles out "Cool dude")

TLOTA: You got it! (Cut to a front porch where James and his nieces see a bucket with grab bags of trick or treat goodies.)

TLOTA: Freeze it guys! This tip is for all Trick or Treaters while saying trick or treat is customary a little bit more manners will go a long way! By saying please you might get a little more than just a handful of candy and always knock the door or ring the bell because you don't want to be rude or just be grabbing everything and leaving nothing for someone else. (James opens the door to see former WWE superstar "The Boogeyman" leaving everyone on the porch either confused or scared.)

"The Boogeyman": Little miss Muffet sat on her Tuffet, eating her curds & whey! Along came a spider and sat down beside her and said "I'M THE BOOGEYMAN AND I'M COMING TO GET YOU." ("The Boogeyman" laughs maniacally as James close the door slightly and mouths "What the...? then opens the door to see "The Boogeyman") And frighten Miss Muffet away! ("The Boogeyman shouts as he smashes a large alarm clock on his head and laughs maniacally again as James closes the door)

TLOTA: And now for my next impression JESSIE OWENS!(Cut to James's nieces running back to the van and James following suit.)

TLOTA (Audio only): I hope you guys left that stuff from that trick or treat basket in there.

Madison & Mallory (Audio only): We did Uncle Jimmy! (James jumps in and the van drives off to cut to see the three on another front porch.)

TLOTA: Okay this is a tip that comes with no option but to take it straight up! If you're not comfortable AT ALL with either the person or the treats the person gives you DON'T TAKE ANYTHING FROM THEM!(James sighs) Let's try this again. (James presses the doorbell as the theme from "Longbox Of The Damned" plays and Moarte laughs as he opens the door.)

Moarte: Hello children, I am Moarte!

Madison & Mallory: Trick or Treat please.

Moarte: Such nice manners have more than just one great comic from the Longbox. (Madison & Mallory take a few comics )

Madison & Mallory: Thank you Mr. Moarte!

Moarte: Please, please call me Moarte and invite your friends because there will always be enough Horror comics in "The Longbox Of The Damned" (Moarte laughs and "Longbox of The Damned" end song plays as the door closes.)

TLOTA: Let's see if the next place we come upon we can get some candy.

Madison & Mallory: Okay.  (Cut to another front porch as James looks at his watch.)

TLOTA: Okay guys last stop then I got to drop you back home so I can get to my costume party. Comprende?

Madison & Mallory: Comprendo. (James starts to knock when Madison knocks for him.)

Madison: We got this. (The door opens to see Asalieri from "Reviewing a Reviewer.")

Madison & Mallory: Trick Or Treat please.

Asalieri: Greetings kids. Let's see what we've got. (Asalieri walks away as camera cuts to James hiding behind the door.)

TLOTA (Whispering): This tip is for those like me. If you recognize someone you know and they remember certain things like say oh having done a review of your compatriot and you decided to drive them nuts by reprograming their TV to play nothing but Non-Stop repeats of "The Room" and "Allen Gregory" and reprogrammed their mobile music devices to play the music that'd drive the Devil cuckoo for cocoa puffs because you didn't agree with their opinions. Avoid them as if they had Ebola!

Asalieri (Audio only): Who was that?

Mallory: Our uncle. (Asalieri looks and discovers James with a look of fear in his eyes.)

TLOTA: Hi there, thanks for the treats for my nieces and oh boy I got to go. Come on guys, Allons-Y!

Asalieri: Who was that guy? I think I know who he is but I just can't put my finger on him.  (Cut to James with his nieces at his office and ORAC)

ORAC: All scans of all confectionaries are complete, there are no foreign elements or chemicals to harm the children.

TLOTA: Thanks ORAC. Now if you don't have an ORAC like I do. Inspect the candy yourself and if you wind up feeling funky instead of your kids. You are a better person to sacrifice yourself for your kids. Hey Jeannie, think you can drop my nieces off.

Jeannie: Of course James the friend of my master. (Jeannie and James' nieces pop out.)

TLOTA: Well, I hope you enjoy these tips that'll help you and your family have a safe and Happy Hallow...(Door knocks) Oh, trick or treaters, excuse me duty calls. Yes, what would you like?

Asalieri: I WANT YOUR HEAD!(0:19-1:05 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James runs for his life and Asalieri keeps pace until 0:42 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James slams the door to the backroom then proceeds to trip Asalieri up with a floor of pipes, a bucket of marbles on the floor and finally falls after James eats a banana and he slips on the peel and zooms across the back room until he hits the back wall at the 1:05 mark happens then the music stops then cuts to Asalieri being smacked awake by James)

TLOTA: You okay?

Asalieri: Yeah.

TLOTA: Sorry about duct taping you to this office chair but I don't want to see you hurt anyone.

Asalieri: Totally understandable. Though I do have to ask Why did you do that to me? (James looks at him with a "Seriously" look on his face.) Oh, yeah the Rowdyc Review. Why not leave a comment saying I was wrong? Why attack me like that?

TLOTA: Okay, I admit I went way overboard on attacking you but understand my mentality. I am loyal to my friends and my family. Check out this clip from my review of the Adam Sandler Comedy "Anger Management". (Show clip of The "Happy Madison" audience of New York rushing into the Bathroom. James & Rowdy saying their lines, going in to save James' brother in law, saving his brother in law and throwing the grenades to destroy the "Happy Madison" audience before cutting back to Asalieri & James)

TLOTA: You see? Would anyone like The Nostalgia Critic dive in to save Malcolm or Tamara if they were in that situation? I don't know. But I would if my family or friends were likely going to get hurt by someone's recklessness either in thoughts or actions. Know what I'm saying

Asalieri: Totally understandable but I said in my review If you like him that's fine but I didn't.

TLOTA: And I understand why you don't like my friend's voice and he has had some setbacks but he's busted his Texan Tuchus & he's pushing forward and do you want to know something?

Asalieri: Please.

TLOTA: I want us to not go after one another. You and I have enough enemies, we don't need to attack each other. (James extends his hand in friendship.)

Asalieri: You're right, we need to unite more instead of letting what we review dictate who we are. (Asalieri accepts James' hand of friendship and James cuts Asalieri loose.) So now what?

TLOTA: Care to join me and my friends Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca for a Halloween party in which I am now ostensibly late because of you but if you can get into a post-Apocalyptic look in five minutes we can have some fun with the cast of "GLEE". (Cut to Asalieri looking like Mad Max's cousin.)

Asalieri: While I've never seen even an episode of "GLEE", I can bust a move with them if you want me too. (James comes back into the scene looking like Ash from "Army Of Darkness" once again)

TLOTA: Then let's boogie big man! Oh I'll be a few seconds, just got to wrap this up. I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and (Eyes ignite with flames.)

TLOTA (Demonic sounding): Happy Halloween! (James' head spins 360 degrees while the laugh from Disney's animated version of "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" is heard.)