A whole lot of "Pussycats"

(Scene starts with James opening the inside front door to his Office building as he quietly sings to himself the lyrics to the “Red Dwarf” end credits and holding in his right hand a copy of “Josie & The Pussycats” as he heads to his Office quarter’s door James quietly singing the lines “Goldfish Shoals nibbling on my…” Slowly looks around in the corner of his eyes as he sings “Toes” then proceeds to turn around slowly to jump as the camera cuts to Eliza Dushku & Traci Hines smiling creepily at James before cutting to James at the door.)

TLOTA: Hi there. Have you two been helped? (Cut to Eliza & Traci)

Eliza Dushku: Hello James.

Traci Hines: Do you know…? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yes I do, Eliza Dushku from movies like “True Lies”, “The New Guy” & “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and TV shows like “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, “Angel” “Tru Calling” & “Dollhouse” and you’ve done voice work in “Batman: Year One” & “HULK & The Agents of S.M.A.S.H.” and your cohort is Traci Hines best known as Helvetica The Hipster Mermaid from the web series “Life Lessons From A Hipster Mermaid”. The two of you are awesome! (Cut to Eliza & Traci)

Eliza Dushku: Well you know who we are, Impressive, Most Impressive. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Thanks, I guess. (Cut to Eliza & Traci)

Traci Hines: I see that you have “Josie & The Pussycats” (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Why yes, yes I do. In order to show people why remaking Kids cartoons from the past might not be a great idea. Like with what they’re going to do with “Jem & The Holograms” (Cut to Eliza & Traci)

Traci Hines: Did you know I… (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Auditioned for the movie that hasn’t seen that big an Internet Backlash since the advent of The Internet? (Cut to Eliza & Traci)

Traci Hines: You are on the ball. I hope the review goes well for you.

Eliza Dushku: Knock ‘em dead (Eliza comes up to James’ ear to whisper in his ear “Tiger” and James gets a cold shiver down his back before Eliza backs away to see James feel uncomfortable.)

TLOTA: Well, thanks I … (Cut to see Eliza & Traci having disappeared before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: Huh that was… (Eliza & Traci appears out of nowhere and James jump screams before cutting to James as Eliza & Traci is seen from her back.)

TLOTA: YOWZA! Would you two please kindly go elsewhere? (Eliza & Traci walk away before James walks into his office quarter)

TLOTA: What is going on around here? DWAH! (Cut to see Eliza & Traci at James’ Office chair before cutting to James at the door.)

TLOTA: COULD YOU TWO LET ME TO DO MY WORK IN PEACE AND SANITY PLEASE…? EWOW! (James turns around to see Eliza & Traci behind him.)

TLOTA: PLEASE TURN AROUND AND TAKE A HIKE! (Cut to see Eliza and Traci next to James)

TLOTA: EYAH! WILL YOU TWO PLEASE FIND SOMEPLACE ELSE TO GO? (Eliza and Traci walk away arousing James before he sighs.)

TLOTA: Well let’s see what if this movie is worth it.

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well… this is happening. (Cut to clips of the preview for “Jem & The Holograms” and the classic 1980’s animated series while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not when I was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY younger, I occasionally saw an episode of “JEM” and when I heard that Hollywood is making a live action version of this cartoon my reaction was “eh” at best that is until I saw the trailers and I just said to myself “No! Just….Just NO!” and to answer why that was my reaction is because they obviously missed the mark by galaxies. Because from what little of the series I saw, there was action, adventure, comedy, women with questionable theatrical makeup designs outside of KISS who look friggin bad ass in their gear and just enough energy to make people enjoy its harmless fun and if the trailer is any indication of what this film is gonna be, let’s say if you see either The Nostalgia Critic or The Blockbuster Buster tagging up with Nash from “Radio Dead Air” to take this turkey on, you’ll know why I’m not reviewing it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But I will give the movie this, it didn’t have a “Post “She’s All That”” Rachel Leigh Cook, a “Pre-“Sharknado”” Tara Reid and a “Pre-“Netflix & Marvel Daredevil” series” Rosario Dawson. (Cut to Opening credit of “Josie & The Pussycats” while “Three Small Words” plays in the background then cutting to James doing a voiceover clips of the movie.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As if this movie isn’t dripping in dated cheese & ham, “Josie & The Pussycats” based on the Archie Comics series and Hanna-Barbera Saturday Morning Series was the first movie from this millennium that I legitimately HATED! It has the subtlety of Nicolas Cage, Pauly Shore & Shia LaBeouf playing “The Three Stooges” and possibly has more Product Placement than “Superman: Man Of Steel”, “Garfield The Movie”, “Foodfight” & “Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights” combined! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I know that sounds physically impossible but trust me this is what happened when my team & I tried to watch it and gauge it with a Subtlety meter. (Cut to everyone using fire extinguishers and anything to smother out the fire and John rushes in with a bucket of water)

TLOTA: STOP! John, Water on an Electric fire? What are you NUTS?! (Cut to James in his office quarters)

TLOTA: And that was after one second of screen time. How will the rest of the movie go? Let’s find out, this is “Josie & The Pussycats”. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as the movie opens we’re introduced to DuJour played by Breckin Meyer, Seth Green, Donald Faison & Peter Facinelli and they greet their fans with a song before heading out on a world tour which for me well... (“Backdoor Lover” plays before cutting to James look uncomfortable as any guy would and says “No Comment” before a Static break comes in and The Blockbuster Buster comes in on the other side of the static feed)

Blockbuster Buster: HEY! BRAINIAC! Don’t you dare think that about my Jam! James Faraci! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Look E-Rod, I get that fact you like that song but I think you may have missed the hidden innuendo. (Cut to Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: What hidden innuendo? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: “Backdoor Lover”? Seriously? (Cut to Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: It means they’re after some serious ass! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Which one male or female? (Cut to Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: Never mind! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): On a plane ride they talk to their Record label Exec Wyatt played by Alan Cumming when they discover something hidden in their music. So what’s Wyatt to do? Tell the Pilot to set the plane to crash and leave DuJour on board! Because clearly that wouldn’t make anyone suspicious and oh by the by in a post 9/11 world, a plane crash killing people NOT FUNNY! As Wyatt lands in Riverdale we meet our heroines Josie McCoy played by Rachel Leigh Cook, Valerie Brown played by Rosario Dawson & Melody Valentine regrettably played by Tara Reid as they perform a gig in….A Bowling Alley where Josie’s romantic interest Alan M played by Gabriel Mann is the only one who payed interest in the gig at all. Okay, I get the fact that they’re hard up in the good luck department but seriously who’s booking their gigs? Apparently fraternal twin pains in my kiester Alexander Cabot III played by Paulo Costanzo who I’m certain is grateful every day to be in the Hamptons on “Royal Pains” and his twin sister…. Alexandra Cabot played by Missi Pyle. (Cut to James with a pad of paper and a pen physically)

TLOTA: Note to self: call “Archie Comics” and/or Dick Wolf to see if there is a frivolous Lawsuit over the name of the Character “Alexandra Cabot”. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Wyatt gets a call from his boss Fiona played by Parker Posey to find a new band and who does Wyatt find? Our heroines of course and agrees to sign them on the spot and after a confab that lasts all of one minute and NO PROPER LEGAL REPRESENTATION and yes I do not consider the Dum-Dum Twins proper legal representation and our Heroines sign right on that Dotted line. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay, WHY?! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Look I get when you’re young you make a whole boatload of questionable decisions that come back to bite you in the tuchus that’s part of growing up but seriously, if I were in their shoes, I’d maybe say….get a lawyer or AGAIN PROPER LEGAL REPRESENTATION to protect yourself but no they sign on to the record label and everyone is flown to New York City or as I call it The Toity County where they’re given a makeover and branded “Josie & The Pussycats” after that our heroines go to the studio to record their first album and to give the movie a small amount of credit they do make the music kind of catchy but listen to this song. (Show clip of “Pretend To Be Nice” intercut with James sitting there with an inquisitive look on his face. Just as the “Pretend To Be Nice” clip ends we cut to James sitting there with the same inquisitive look on his face of two seconds before he snaps out of it.)

TLOTA: Sorry guys it’s just that the composition of the song reminds me of another band’s. Just wish I could figure out who’s is it. (Cut to James’ office door opening when “Green Day” members Billie Joe Armstrong played by Paulo Fonseca, Mike Dirnt played by Eric Kurtzke & Mike Santos as Tre’ Cool coming in repeating the phrase “Hup, Hup” several times as they go through fast speed to set up their music equipment in thirty seconds before looking at James)

“Billie Joe & Mike” (In unison): At your service night & day! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Who are you? (Cut to Green Day)

“Billie Joe & Mike” (In unison): We’re Green Day! EXCELSIOR! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: OhhhhhhhKay! What’s going on around here? (Cut to Green Day)

“Billie Joe”: We’ve been hearing about this movie for a while and you’ve been wondering why the song “Pretend To Be Nice” sounds so familiar to you.

“Mike Dirnt”: So we’ve decided to help clear up your quandary.

(“Tre’ Cool” honks a bike horn and whistles a bird’s tweeting with subtitles: “We’re gonna play “Minority” instrumentally” then cuts to see James look at the subtitles)

TLOTA: What’s up with your Drummer using a bike horn and whistling like Harpo Marx? (Cut to Green Day)

“Mike Dirnt”: The guy’s been a wreck since his last divorce. (Cut to James going “Oh!” before cutting back to “Green Day”)

“Billie Joe Armstrong”: Okay guys let’s do it! (The trio play the Instrumental to the song “Minority” then cut to James)

TLOTA: Well they do sound kind of familiar. (A female voice off screen played by Eliza Dushku screams “Kind Of Familiar?!” before the door opens up to see “Josie & The Pussycats” with Josie played by Eliza Dushku, Valerie played by Renee Miller & Melody played by Traci Hines in a blonde wig come barging in)

“Josie”: We are SO original as opposed to those old fart Marx Brothers/Three Stooges Pop Punk Wannabe hacks! (Cut to “Green Day”)

“Billie Joe”: We’ve been making music while you were in diapers. We’ve got Legal Recourse, Our lawyer will take everything you’ve got! We’ll see you in Prison!

“Mike Dirnt”: We’ll see you in HELL! (“Tre’ Cool” uses a Bike Horn to Honk the “Shave and a Haircut” and catcall whistles “Six bits” with the subtitles saying “We’ll see you on the Pole at the Boom Boom Room” and “Josie & The Pussycats” look down to see the subtitles then cut to see James read the subtitles”)

TLOTA: You ladies save your breath. Tre’ you’re a sick sick man, I don’t care if your wife left you half a billion in the hole, I give these ladies the right to castrate you with a spoon! (Cut to “Josie & The Pussycats”)

“Josie”: Enough talk, let’s show what Pussycat Power is all about! (Cut to “Green Day” and Tre’ Cool whistling “Reveille” and using the bike horn to sound “Call to Post” as both teams collide and then the scene cuts to James looking and giving facial expressions of fear, shock & surprise then ducks as “Billie Joe”’s guitar is flung towards James as grunts and cat hollers are heard)

TLOTA: Oh look at that! It’s time for a break!

“Billie Joe Armstrong” (Audio only): MY CABBAGES!

TLOTA: That had to hurt!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Something you’ll notice right away is that you know something is more sinister going on in the background since you know Wyatt killed a boyband, well if he’s capable of doing that, you know Fiona can do something worse although it is hard to see throughout all the product placement, especially when it comes to her plan to you guessed it take over the world. (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting to the clip of Fiona telling her diabolical scheme to put subliminal messages into songs before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Subliminal messages hidden in the music in order to boost the economy and Our Government is in support of it. Did this come out before or after our current President became President? (A bloodied internal organ lands next to James) Huh, I forgot the ceiling. (Turns to the right.) Hey guys I think I found someone’s liver. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And apparently it works as their detractors are now their biggest fans and…(Cut to the detractors turned fans being shot with a wide angle fish eye lens close up before cutting to James shouting “badaboomba!” then back to the movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I know that we haven’t seen the wide angle close up for a while but if there’s a petition to ban that type of shot from ever being used again, I’m signing it and I suggest you do too! Anyway Valerie is starting to suggest something isn’t Kosher at the label. Which forces Fiona to well… I can’t believe I’m saying this… Hire Carson Daily & Aries Spears to kill Valerie and Melody on a fake TRL set! (Cut to James mouthing “Excuse Me For One Moment”, getting up and walking into the office’s bathroom and screams a blood curdling scream and walking back to his office quarters oblivious to the fact Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines are behind him before cutting to the movie and James continuing his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after nearly getting killed by Carson Daily & Aries Spears, Good Fricking night that thought is never gonna leave me, Valerie & Melody try to inform Josie but it appears Josie has fallen under the hypnotism of the Subliminal Messages and tells Valerie to take a hike and Melody to be taken advantage of by a Sharknado (Rim shot). But eventually Josie discovers the hidden messages and after remembering that she told her friends to beat it Josie asks… (Cut to James physically with Eliza and Traci behind him)

TLOTA: How did Eugene Levy who pointlessly has a cameo in this movie put it when he was co-starring in “Splash”? (Cut to Clip of Eugene Levy from “Splash” saying “The Moron Twins” before cutting to the movie and James continuing his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s the phrase! Josie asks those two to help who turns out to be as helpful in getting evidence as well as some execs on set saying to the director to cut back on the product placement. (Cut to a group of execs and a director played by James)

Exec 1 (Played by John Santos): I have to ask if all these Product Placement are necessary. (Cut to an “Lindsay Nagle” exec played by Rebecca Fonseca popping in from nowhere to block James from talking)

“L.N.” Exec: It’s necessary it will help with cross promotion with the movie we can maximize profit from the products placed in this movie and make enough to cover our losses because we will do minimal promotion which should be minimal because of cross promotion. (Cut to the group of Execs)

Exec 2 (Played by Renee Miller): Didn’t we fire you? (Cut to “L.N.” exec)

“L.N.” Exec: This is my last job here my next job will be with Disney and its latest acquirement “Power Rangers” with my memos “Power Rangers” will be so amazing! (Cut to the Group of Execs)

Exec 3 (Played by Eric Neil Kurtzke): I need a drink.

“Group of Execs” (In Unison): I second that ( The Group of execs exit as the “L.N.” exec continues to talk to the execs who just left as we cut to James’ Director character wakes up and says “What just happened” before cutting to James physically with Eliza and Traci behind him)

TLOTA: But wait you say to yourself “What about Alan M.? Can’t he help?” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well he would be helpful if A) Wyatt didn’t lie to Josie about a club gig Alan M. had and B) Alan M. wasn’t licking his wounds from not seeing Josie come to his gig at the club. So having no choice Josie has to do Fiona’s dirty work or watch as Valerie & Melody be obliterated by going head first in a car I don’t think would be used by Vin Diesel in a “Fast & Furious” movie into a Brick wall at 88 MPH when from out of nowhere… (Show clip of DuJour heavily encased in casts and beaten before cutting to James physically with Eliza and Traci behind him slowly backing out of frame and James stammering, taking off his glasses, moving his chair out of the way to bang his head on the wall behind him five times before coming back and screaming “HOW?!” before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): SERIOUSLY HOW DID THEY SURVIVE?! Okay it is explained that they were able to survive the crash only to land outside of a Metallica concert in which they were beaten mercilessly by their fans which is something I would do myself if that ever happened. But apparently one of them knew the lines to “Enter Sandman” which gave that one a less brutal beating. But thankfully their attempts to fight Fiona and Wyatt are less than successful. But thankfully our heroines are a little more successful as they beat Fiona and Wyatt as the two confess their love for each other for some reason and reveal that everything about themselves are fake for some reason. Oh and to save face our government’s Federal Agents decide to arrest Fiona & Wyatt for their underhanded misdoings. (The fast paced subliminal message about the movie passes by as the scene cuts to James chuckling with Eliza & Traci behind him)

TLOTA: What’s the phrase I’m looking for, I know it, and it’s on the tip of my tongue… It’s…It’s… (Cut to Clip of “Superman Returns” in which Lex Luthor played by Kevin Spacey shouting “WRONG” before cutting to Traci & Eliza getting scared off and James sitting there.)

TLOTA: That’s the word I was looking for.

TLOTA (Angry as all get out): WRONG! THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD’VE PUT OUT THERE AS YOUR MESSAGE! (Cut to the still as James does a voiceover and plasters his message on the still shot)

TLOTA (Voiceover): “If you’ve made it this far, the money and time you wasted watching this movie are long gone! As of this moment you will not be refunded for a single loss. You’re stuck here until the end credits! You are officially screwed!” (Cut to the end of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But wait it doesn’t end there, why? Because there a concert for Josie and The Pussycats instead of facing federal prison time in The Sullivan Correctional Facility in Fallsburg New York and Yes there is a moral that Josie tries to force feed into the audience that there is no way in HELL it’s gonna make any kind of impact at all! In fact I’m certain that the producers didn’t have a place for it in the entire runtime until the end because they knew that people wouldn’t make the effort to go and see this and as they play guess who makes it to their concert even though Josie made NO EFFORT TO COME TO HIS GIG AT THE CLUB! (Cut to Alan M. making it onto the stage and Josie and Alan M. profess their love for one another and the concert goes off with everyone enjoying themselves)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s right Alan M. screw the fact she didn’t come to your show, screw the fact she left you feeling sorry for yourself because you had to deal with the female who shared a name with a prosecutor who worked for the 16^th Precinct’s Special Victims Unit in Manhattan, New York that could’ve easily filed a restraining order on the woman who wants to jump your bones because she wants to make Josie feel as miserable as possible, screw the anger you SHOULD be feeling right now. You made it to your girl’s concert and now everything is hunky-dory! (Chuckles for two seconds before he gets indignant on Alan M.) YOU ARE AN IDIOT FOR NOT SPEWING ANGER FOR WHAT THAT PUSSYCAT DID TO YOU. WHICH IF YOU WANT I’LL SHOW YOU THROUGH THIS CLIP FROM “FULL HOUSE” (Cut to a clip of Danny Tanner from “Full House” saying “She ripped your heart out, threw it onto the ground and did the Mexican Hat dance on it!” and acting it out as he says it before cutting to the end of the concert and the movie then cutting to James physically with Eliza & Traci behind him)

TLOTA: So that was “Josie & The Pussycats”….DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE SUCKED! (Cut to clips of the movie while “Three Small Words” play in the background.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): All I can say at this point is YOWZA! How could something this horrible be produced?! The plot could’ve give the live action “Scooby Doo” movies a run for its money and with the exception of Parker Posey & Rosario Dawson the acting was SO incredibly bad you question whether or not Shia LaBeouf was the acting coach for the actors and need I say again how aggravating the overabundance of the shameless product placement can be especially since you’re supposed to know that in the grand scheme of things you should be aware of. But maybe that was the point of the product placement. Maybe there was something deeper about it than I realized. But again when you’re wading through so much Cheese & Ham it’s kind of hard to think. So maybe it deserves a second chance. But that’s for you to decide. Give it a watch at your own risk. (Cut to James physically with Eliza & Traci behind him)

TLOTA: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got two women who’ve been behind me ever since I came back from screaming my head off in my office bathroom to deal with. (Eliza and Traci look at one another.)

Eliza & Traci (In Unison): HOW DID HE KNOW?

TLOTA: These lenses aren’t just for seeing what’s in front of me! (James jumps up from the table)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Alright you two looney ladies, I don’t know what your end game is but I swear I will stop you before then. (Cut to Eliza and Traci Rising up in front of him)

Eliza Dushku: So what are you planning on doing? Ask us about how a doll got burned over and over again?

Traci Hines: Threaten to kill us because we don’t put the bunny back in the box?

Eliza Dushku: Sell your soul to The Devil to become his bounty hunter and send us to hell all the while screaming and laughing like a madman?

Traci Hines: Threaten to take our faces….off? (Her right hand does the motion of placing it over her face then pulling it off when she says “faces…off?”)

Eliza Dushku: Go around town screaming “I’m A Vampire” over and over again?

Traci Hines: Scream like a howler monkey while humping a bed?

Eliza Dushku: Sing a silly song while trying to seduce us while you’re drunk as a skunk?

Traci Hines: Rob a bunch of convenience stores and then marry the officer taking your mugshots?

Eliza Dushku: Punch one of us while dressed in a bear suit?

Traci Hines: Sing “I’ve got a lovely bunch of Coconuts” while being dragged away security? (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): No, I’m not that level of Nicolas Cage crazy…yet. I’m just gonna ask questions and you’re gonna give me vague answers until I get to the next level of Nicolas Cage Crazy. (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Eliza Dushku: Oh well then ask your questions. (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): What’s going on around here?! (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Traci Hines: They would know. (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Who are they? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Eliza Dushku: They are them. (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Them are they? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Eliza & Traci (In Unison): They would know. (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): They know all? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Traci Hines: You can’t understand that not understanding is part of understanding everything…

Eliza Dushku: And in the moment you understand nothing is when you understand everything. Do you understand what we’re saying? (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Your vague answers are taking me to the next level of Nicolas Cage Crazy. (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Eliza Dushku: Well I think we’ve done our job for this month.

Traci Hines: See you in Next Month. (Eliza and Traci walk around James and the two leave as James sighs and sits back down)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and….Next Month? (James runs out of his office quarters and over to the Calendar in the main lobby to see that the next month is October. James takes a deep breath and then the scene cuts to Eliza and slightly to her right at least five steps is Traci as they hear the loudest muted “NO!” they ever heard.)

A Voice (Off-screen played by Elisa Hansen-Schuler): Is he ready?

Eliza Dushku: By this time next month, he’s all yours.

Traci Hines: So what do you have planned for him? (Camera Pans slightly to the right as we see the Maven Of The Eventide under an Umbrella with Paw holding it and Baby Grey.)

Maven Of The Eventide: Don’t worry, he is finally going to pay for his sins! (Everyone smiles an evil smile)

A second anniversary that's less than "Full Throttle"

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and IT’S MY SECOND ANNIVERSARY! (Everyone pops out with party favors and confetti as “Ode To Joy” plays) And you know what? Someone guessed that I’d be reviewing something I’d never thought of reviewing at all because of one moment at the end of my first episode of “The Different Cuts” (Show clip of James saying “I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, That’s my Opinion and the rest of this year we’re going FULL THROTTLE!” before cutting to see everyone have calmed down.) That’s right, someone thought I was going to review this! (Cut to title card of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle as the remix of Charlie’s Angels by Apollo 440 plays in the background and James does a voiceover over the clips of the movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, kind of surprising but understandable. “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” isn’t a good movie nor is it inferior to the first movie which in fact is a continuation of the series that ran from the 1970’s through the 1980’s and by today’s standards it is schlocky but for me the series is a fun schlock and is still seen as better than at least half of what’s on TV nowadays but this movie wasn’t in my sights but someone kept sending me e-mails saying that they thought this was going to be my second anniversary review. (Cut to everyone in James’ office.)

TLOTA: But after repeated watching of this movie I now understand especially after Remembering Shia LaBeouf is in this thing.

Paulo Fonseca: Shia LaBeouf? Aren’t his movies so bad people actually PAY to see a movie starring Pauly Shore?

TLOTA: Yep

Rebecca Fonseca: Directed by Uwe Boll?

TLOTA: The same one

Eric Kurtzke: Co-Written and co-starring Tommy Wiseau and Tommy Wiseau is the villain?

TLOTA: You bet.

John Santos: With Rob Schneider as the comedic sidekick?

TLOTA: Oh yeah.

Mike Santos: And Shailene Woodley as the romantic interest?

TLOTA: Oh god yes

Paulo Fonseca: Also co-Written by M. Night Shyamalan?

TLOTA: You are correct sir!

Rebecca Fonseca: With Steven Segal and Adam Sandler as the Henchman?

TLOTA: Oh Yeah!

Eric Kurtzke: With the soundtrack composed by Rebecca Black and Alanis Morrissette?

TLOTA: Abso-friggin’-lutely

Renee Miller: Produced by Platinum Dunes and Happy Madison?

TLOTA: And the endless sequels that follow!

Paulo Fonseca: Well we’ve known you long enough to know that were it up to you “Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” and “The Transformers” movies would’ve been a whole lot more different.

Rebecca: Plus, We could’ve seen Shia at Burger King flipping whoppers and we could be laughing at him as the failure of an actor he is!

John Santos: Instead of seeing Christy Romano be there paying off her Collegiate debts.

TLOTA: Well it doesn’t matter she hates me, she’s married and that’s the end of it. Now let’s get to see if this movie lives up to the title it gave itself. This is “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the movie begins in a bar in Outer Mongolia we see Alex Munday played by Lucy Liu as she tries to rescue U.S. Marshal Ray Carter played by the T-1000 himself Robert Patrick while Dylan Sanders played by Drew Barrymore and Natalie Cook played by Cameron Diaz be the distraction by having Natalie sound Swedish and ride a mechanical bull while Dylan makes homage to a better movie who’s last installment also had Shia LaBeouf in it and people still think that Temple Of Doom was MORE Mediocre than the one WITH Shia LaBeouf in it. But I digress Dylan and Alex try to make a break for it when a hawk decided to be a Stool Pidgeon! Forcing the Angels to fly out the window, take an armored vehicle with a Chopper in the trunk but between a tank and an RPG the Angels think the best solution to the situation is to fly and to be honest the fluidity of the sequence is great but not as great as some as I’ve seen. This upsets the mastermind of the operation who decides to go to Plot Convenience 619: Plan B! After the opening credits re-introduce the Angels which is totally unnecessary because their characters was introduced better in the opening credits IN THE FIRST MOVIE! But enough about that, we soon discover that Natalie and her boyfriend from the first movie and Alex & Dylan help the two move in but not before this moment (Cut to showing the Angels dancing to “U Can’t touch this” by M.C. Hammer before James takes his glasses off and rubbing his forehead and going “UGH” before cutting back to the movie and James doing his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Thankfully the move is interrupted as business calls as they’re called in by who else?

Jason & Pete: Charlie

TLOTA (Voiceover): After being summoned to the office that had to be rebuilt after being blown sky high in the last movie we meet up with Bosley played by WAIT A MINUTE?! (Needle scratches a record.) BERNIE MAC?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay look let’s get one thing straight I do not, repeat NOT have a bad thing to say about him personally or as a comedian but WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?! I know Bill Murray is vehemently against being in sequels after Ghostbusters II but it doesn’t explain why he was a part of both Garfield movies but that’s beside the point here. Bottom line how do they explain what’s going on here? (Show the moment Bill Murray’s Bosley image is shown in the movie and the work “Adopted” with a ding being heard as it cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: You know something, I watched Kickassia and the explanation they gave when Spoony reverted from being Insano is something I am willing to accept but because even though Kickassia left me with a migraine the answer of “He Got Better” made sense but you know what maybe I’m being too harsh, who knows maybe Bernie will be funny. (Cut to every clip and Bernie Mac is sadly NOT funny and the clips end with him crying “This is some Bullshit” and then cut to James)

TLOTA: You know, I should start expecting something bad whenever I want something good. (Cut to movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Apparently the ring Marshal Carter had was half of a unique way to keep those who are hidden in “The Witness Relocation Program” on two encoded rings. One Carter had and the other was by a brief cameo by Bruce Willis as the look on his face showed he didn’t WANT to be shot in this movie (Rim shot) when the rings are combined the names of those hidden are exposed. One victim played by Eric Bogosian was found dead and so it’s up to Bosley and the Angels to investigate and Oh good fricking grief! (Show moment when the Angels and Bosley appear as CSI Techs to “Who Are You?” by The Who as the typed words described which one they’re supposed to be before cutting to everyone in James’ office with their names as to who they are before cutting to James getting the words under him reading “Idiot” before grabbing his double barreled handgun and shoots the title and kills the music as well before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) After being escorted in by an officer who I SWEAR TO GOD is played by Sean William Scott discover their murderer is a surfer. So it’s off to the beach where they meet with former Angel Madison Lee played by Demi Moore (Cut to a three second cameo of Chris Lee Moore alias “The Rowdy Reviewer” shouting “NO RELATION!” before continuing with the movie as James does his voiceover) Meanwhile, Alex has a fantasy as to what would happen if one or a couple of them decide to move on with their lives outside of being an Angel and to this movie’s credit it does show what it feels like to be the one who decided to stay at the same place for too long. But in the middle of the investigation Alex’s penchant in falling for the wrong guy leads them to an underground race where the Angels ride with the wrong guy Alex fell for finds his next target before he gets casted as Sam in the “Transformers” movies. That’s right this is how we’re introduced to Shia’s character Max at an underground bike race. However The Thin Man played once again by Crispin Glover AKA Marty’s Dad from the first “Back To The Future” movie saves Max’s life and in turn ruins all hope of Cinematic salvation. Congrats Crispin you must be so proud of yourself! But as they investigate the corpse they discover one photo in particular that was next on the guy’s hit list.

Natalie: Helen Zass? (Shows Alex the photo with the Name Helen Zass as it is a stock photo of Drew Barrymore’s character Dylan from the intro of the first movie as the camera pans over to Dylan and then cutting to James physically saying “WHUUAAAAT?”)

TLOTA: No seriously What on God’s green earth is going on around here? (Cut to the movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Why is someone who is SUPPOSED to be in Witness Relocation working as a Private Investigator? Unless you’ve gotten extensive surgery to basically be recognized by either your fingerprints or DNA check, getting a job in Law enforcement either in the public or private sector is a bad idea all around! Ugh either way, Apparently Helen or Dylan or Whoever the hell she is got recruited by Charlie at the behest of the chief of The FBI and what was the reason behind her being in Witness Relocation? She hooked up with Of Course the bad guy! (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting back clips of the movie as James continues his voiceover.) This is Seamus O’Grady played by Justin Theroux and she witnessed a bad thing Seamus did and she sent him to Maximum Security Prison. So what exactly is the Angels’ next step? Find out what The Thin Man’s motives are, protect Max at all costs, Find out who has the Rings, secure the rings, go to the Winchester, grab a pint and wait for the whole thing to blow over. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Wait I think I have “Shaun Of The Dead” on the brain. I need a break to get my head on right.

Mike Santos (Off screen): When has it ever been on right? (A loud audible THWACK is heard and Mike yells OW!)

TLOTA: Thank you!

John Santos (Off screen): No problem buddy.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review as clips of the movie play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So while Dylan was telling them her/Helen’s backstory Seamus in a “Cape Fear” style moment is released and given her info. Meanwhile Bosley decides to paint a big ass bulls-eye on Max by sending him to Compton! All while the Angels get backstory on The Thin Man a character that doesn’t need backstory as told by Carrie Fisher. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Seriously Carrie First “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and now “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” what’s up with you being a Nun? (Cut to clips of the movie play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But after The Thin Man leaves a clue at the Orphanage that leads to a ship’s pier and a warehouse which just so happens to be a part of a front for the O’Gradys and the workers that work for them like to enjoy their down time. So they join The Pussycat Dolls when they were a Dance Troop and not what I call a “Few Hit Wonder” musically and to be honest, I needed a cold shower after watching that moment but not after that we got probably the lamest moment in Bernie Mac’s career. (Show clip of Bernie Mac trying to be a black Irishman before cutting to the audio of that moment being replayed as James takes off his glasses, moves the chair out of frame and proceeds to wipe clean the area of the wall behind him and bang his head on the same place he did four months ago before cutting back to the movie while James continues his voiceover) But The Angels get into the warehouse where the Rings are being stored as Seamus comes in and as he says his lines I feel like I need a translator! (Cut to every clip of Seamus speaking with mistranslated lines as James translated the lines as such “Hutt’s The Thrush Ellen”? ”Five the homely fun ears shoe nose to”?  “I hot sue hey Ellen av nether haunted to wore”? “File any tray au haunt”? “Guv mi the rinds”? “Ya can’t Burt me an knee nor Ellen”? “I’m gonna touch you and your fridge the menning of pen”? “On gun now pill ten, tusk sole Hugh can ear then screan”? “I recone eyes hat sarse any aire you pace of shine”? Before cutting back to James doing a voiceover the movie) But they lose the rings to the O’Gradys and after a fairly good action sequence The Angels regain the rings and bolt out of dodge but not before Seamus I think threatens Dylan and The Angels I can’t say definitely because his Irish brough is as thick as Potato Stew. But whatever Seamus did say to Dylan has scared her so badly she hightails out of Dodge. Meanwhile the two remaining Angels and Bosley hands the rings to Marshal Carter when Bosley inadvertently discovers Carter is in on the deal and possibly the mastermind. So they tail him and get the info “She-Spies” style as we find Dylan heading as far away from the situation as possible by going to the area of Mexico in which Tequila is made and hide there but on her way at a café she is visited by the spirit of Kelly Garrett played once again by Jaclyn Smith who convinces her that not only to go back to the Angels but also convinced her that she was worthy of being an Angel for some reason I’ve got no reason why they threw it into her character arc in this movie outside of Drew Barrymore being a producer in this movie wanting Dylan to mean something else or something and they also added in that she figured out who the mastermind truly is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And who can it be? Anyone care to bet?

(Cut to the lobby)

John Santos: I’m betting it’s the Marshal.

Mike Santos: I’m betting it’s Max.

Eric Kurtzke: I think if I were a betting man and using this movie’s ability to setup something with less than intelligent decisions being made I believe my choice is Madison Lee!

Paulo Fonseca: Are you serious or are you loco in La Cabeza?

Eric Kurtzke: Think of the scene where Madison and The Angels meet for the first time. (Cut to the clip Eric mentioned while doing a voiceover.)

Eric Kurtzke (Voiceover): You can tell by the color of the Bikinis, the foreshadowing dialogue in Cantonese of the two of them saying “Bring It On”. (Cut to the Lobby)

Eric Kurtzke: It is the most logical choice.

Rebecca Fonseca: Well, if I trust your judgement. I’ll side with you and so will Paulo.

Paulo Fonseca: And if he’s wrong.

Rebecca Fonseca: We’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it.

Renee Miller: Same here, I’m going with Eric’s choice! (Cut to James doing a voiceover clips of the movie)

TLOTA: And it appears as Natalie and Alex have got Marshal Carter where they want him as he’s killed by the true mastermind of this whole thing……..MADISON LEE! (Dramatic musical sting as scene cuts to John and Mike Santos groan and Renee Miller, Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca and Eric Kurtzke Celebrate in the lobby.)

Renee Miller: So what did we win? (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: Nothing, No money was at stake, No actual wager was made. It was just me jokingly asking and I can’t play the clip of Mark Hamill as The Joker shouting about having to explaining the joke so there was no joke being made because it’s been four months since I last used it and according to Internet Reviewers union mandate if I use the same gag more than once in six months than it’d cost me quite a bit of cash. (Everyone groans in sadness as James shouts “SHUT UP!” then goes back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So Dylan tries to sneak attack but winds up slammed into the wall. The three confront Madison who now sports twin gold plated desert eagles sends the Angels back to heaven as it were and Madison makes her way to the office. There we get some backstory as to why she is the way she is and then Charlie (Show clip of Madison destroy the speakerphone) is relieved of making more Angels. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And you know makes this moment even harder to make a joke about was the fact that this John Forsythe’s final role before he passed away. I feel bad about that. (Cut to The movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile the Angels recover from being shot thanks to custom made bulletproof vests and piece together what Madison is up to with the data hidden in the rings. So it’s up to disguise and deception to get rid of at least 95 percent of the gangsters except for the O’Gradys who find themselves in a brawl alongside Madison Lee against the Angels, but help comes from an unlikely source (Show clip “The Thin Man” opening a can of Whoop-Ass on the O’Gradys alongside the Angels) That’s right! Crispin Glover’s “The Thin Man” is working WITH the Angels to put the O’Gradys until Seamus plays Shish-kabob with the guy. So while Natalie is duking it out with Madison, Seamus and Dylan end their past once and for all! All thanks to the letter E! Meanwhile after being constantly unfunny in this movie Bosley plays baseball with the bomb and blasts it out of the park. After shaking off Alex & Dylan Natalie and Madison have a brief battle and it looks like Madison is about to send an angel to be with Charlie until from out of nowhere Dylan and Alex double team Madison and all three angels united send Madison Lee the former Angel straight to hell! No I’m not even kidding. She fires a shot in the dark hoping to kill them after falling through the floor hitting a gas line and explodes into a fiery chasm straight to the depths of hell!

Dylan: She is SO fired!

TLOTA (Voiceover): With the rings finally secured and the bad guys dealt with, The Angels go to a movie premiere that was so poorly set-up I swear Uwe Boll wrote this set-up. (Cut to the ending in which Dylan is alone as Natalie and Pete decide to get a puppy, Alex’s dad is Okay with her being a Private Investigator and she reunites with Jason and everyone gets a happy ending. Before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: So that’s Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. A movie that does NOT live up to its title. (Cut to clips of “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” with the theme remixed by Apollo 440 while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The action is finely paced, the acting is decent even I’ve got nothing bad to say about Shia’s performance this time around, but the dialogue is dull, the comedy falls flatter than a pancake, and a lot of the situations feels forced and remember when Lindsay Ellis said that the first movie made her believe that “Feminism had failed” well had she seen this one she would’ve believed that this franchise has failed and that failure is what haunted the revival series made a few years back. Yeah there was an attempt to revive the franchise again a few years ago and failed miserably and we can thank the sequel that tried to send the Angels to where they had to go “Full Throttle” but instead forced the gas right out of its engine.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and (A Knock on the door is heard) that’s my opinion. One second. (James walks to the front door to discover WWE Superstar Sheamus is at the front door.)

Sheamus: So you had a problem with the Irish Brough now didn’t ya? Well, allow me to educate ya! (James takes a Brough Kick to the face knocking him to the floor and Sheamus proceeds to beat James into hamburger.)

John Santos (Off-Screen): Hey Fella! (Cut to John on top of the couch dressed as “The Real American Homeboy)

John Santos: Get ready to feel the fury of THE REAL AMERICAN HOMEBOY! (John takes a flying leap as Sheamus takes a step back and grab John by his Ponytail)

Sheamus: Let me tell ya something “Real American Homeboy” Do ya know what’s at the end of a Pony’s tail? YOU YA HORSE’S ASS! (Proceeds to swing John by his Ponytail and toss him into Mike Santos & Rebecca Fonseca who were about to attack Sheamus dressed as The Twelfth Doctor and Clara Oswald and Paulo Fonseca and Renee Miller dressed as the Tenth Doctor and Martha Jones. Eric Kurtzke tries the Vulcan Nerve Pinch only for Sheamus to grab Eric’s hand and dislocate his right arm. James gets back up and Sheamus has his hands on his throat only for James to croak out something.) What did ya say? Your American is as piss poor as your attempt to be funny making fun of me accent ya sack of shite.

Lea Michele (Audio Only): What my boyfriend is saying is the following! (Sheamus drops James to turn around and see Lea Michele)

Lea Michele: ORAC! Delta level defense.

ORAC (Audio only): Unfortunately Delta levels can be obtained by aiming a Sonic Screwdriver at the target in question.

Sheamus: And it’s a shame.

Lea Michele: For you, because guess what I’ve got? Answer: A Sonic Screwdriver! (Lea Michele aims her Sonic Screwdriver at Sheamus hitting him with enough electrical current to knock out a thirty ton Rhino and Lea picks James up)

TLOTA (With a harshness in his voice): Well thanks Lea, One moment. (James turns away and coughs out the harshness in his voice)

TLOTA: Sorry about that. You have a very good habit of saving my backside. (James and Lea Kiss)

Lea Michele: Comes with the territory. Oh listen a Government agent tried to force me into convincing you to shut down production but I gave him the slip.

TLOTA: Good, but what do we do with him? (Cut to a dumpster outside of James’ office)

TLOTA (Audio only): On three! One! Two! Three! (Sheamus is tossed into the dumpster before cutting to James and everyone else.)

Lea Michele: Say How about I take you guys to the Hospital?

Everyone else: Sounds good! (Lea walks and everyone else limps away from the Dumpster. Cut to the Dumpster as Sheamus sits up and phases through the Dumpster and morphs into the Government Agent played by Eric Kurtzke.)

The Government Agent: On this site’s next transmission we end “The Last Of The Americans” for good and then everyone else will fall!

Rowdy, The Last Of The Americans and a bunch of "Fox Kids" Co-Written by Chris Lee Moore "The Rowdy Reviewer"

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John & Mike Santos and The Rowdy Reviewer on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the front door of the office)

TLOTA (Audio as he zooms past the Camera): HO BOY! HO BOY! HO JOY! (Cut to James tossing his backpack off his shoulder and over the couch)

TLOTA (excited beyond reproach and looking like he did in the 1990’s): YES! YES! YES! DON’T LET IT START YET! DON’T LET IT START YET! DON’T LET IT START YET!

Rebecca (Audio): James, Just so you are aware you are Uno Loco Bastarda! (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke standing at the front door looking like they did in the 1990’s)

Rebecca: We look freaking ridiculous!

Eric: I never wore clothes like this, it is totally illogical for me to dress like this!

Renee: Yeah James, I will do certain things for you but looking this freaking ridiculous is where I draw the line!

John Santos: I don’t know, I kind of like this!

Mike Santos: You would!

Paulo: Besides even I think this stuff is stupid. (Cut to James on the couch sliding over to his right)

TLOTA: You guys don’t understand it is all part of the experience. We all act like we got home, Put our belongings down, grab a bite to eat and get ready to relax in front of the TV.

(Rowdy, wearing a t-shirt that says “Ballpark in Arlington’s First Opening Day: April 11, 1994,” pops in on to the couch from out of nowhere via Jeannie blink)

Rowdy: OK, I’m here. What’s this about “Nostalgia Block Party – Bring your 90s cred?”

TLOTA: What, you thought I was going to leave you out of this, C’mon it’ll be fun!

Rowdy: What will be fun?

TLOTA: Fox Kids!

Rowdy: Seriously? You dragged me from The Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington area of Texas for that? Okay, I’ll join ya.

TLOTA: Cool! (Cut to everyone else)

Renee Miller: Uh The Real question is….

Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, John & Mike Santos: How did he get here? (Cut to James and Rowdy on the couch)

Rowdy: Jeannie Express! (Cut to Renee, Eric, John and Mike having inquisitive looks on their faces as Paulo and Rebecca are slightly frustrated.)

Paulo: The dork has got A GENIE!

Rebecca: And he only uses her to save money on travel expenses.

Rowdy: And to miniaturize people who question my motives. (Glares threateningly at Paulo & Rebecca before cutting to everyone else)

Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca: We’ll stop talking now. (Cut to James and Rowdy on the couch)

Rowdy: Good!

TLOTA: But you know what? Something feels off. Hey The 1990’s Kid! You mind giving my associate a 1990’s overhaul (Cut to The 1990’s Kid played by Rebecca’s Fiancé Nick.)

The 1990’s Kid: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE IT’D BE MY PLEASURE! I DID THE BANG UP JOB ON EVERYONE ELSE ESPECIALLY REBECCA AND NOW SHE’S SO HOT I’D TOTALLY BANG HER LIKE A DRUM…! (Cut to an hour later with James and everyone on the couch in the lobby.)

TLOTA: What I think everyone here has forgotten is that like “The Disney Afternoon”, “Fox Kids” was a warm welcome after both a hard and a good day at School and a perfect wakeup call on Saturday Mornings for those who weren’t into what ABC, CBS & NBC had to offer. So if everyone is done cleaning up the mess from Rebecca’s sudden desire to beat the cousin of the actual ‘90’s kid into hamburger.

Rebecca: I’m going to be married, I don’t think men should be looking at me as if they have a chance.

Everyone else except TLOTA & Rebecca: We’re good!

TLOTA: Let’s get started. (Cut to opening credit to the “Fox Kids” intro, then to James air conducting the music before cutting back to the intro of “Fox Kids” and then clips of “Fox Kids” shows with James and Rowdy doing voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voice over): In 1990 the same year “The Disney Afternoon” got into full swing The Fox Network decided to get in on board by making their own kid friendly daytime and Saturday Morning line-up with original programming. Some of what they had to offer was amazing, some not so much.

Rowdy (Voice over): And as I have said in the past by the time “The Disney Afternoon” in 1990, the renaissance in Animation was in full swing and I’m hoping what some of what Fox Kids has to offer is good. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: Well I think you might like one of the first offerings “Fox Kids” had to offer with “Bobby’s World” (Cut to the opening credit of “Bobby’s World” then cut to clips of “Bobby’s World” with Rowdy and James doing voiceovers)

Rowdy(Voice over): It should be stated that “Film Roman” who also was producing “Garfield and Friends” at the time worked with Howie Mandel and his character Bobby from his stand-up routine to make this series happen and is it me or is Uncle Ted reminiscent of someone. (Show clips of Uncle Ted before James does his voice over)

TLOTA (voice over): Well he does sound like John Candy but I don’t think Tino Insana the voice actor for Uncle Ted had John Candy on the brain when he came up with Uncle Ted and you cannot tell me that the fantasy sequences Bobby had weren’t the same as most of us when we were Bobby’s age. (Show clips of Bobby’s fantasies before cutting to James and everyone on the couch taking a deep breath and going Yeah or saying yes in one way or another before cutting back to clips of the show with Rowdy and James doing voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voice over): Needless to say I can see why it is remembered as fondly as it is.

TLOTA (Voice over): But another show that was on around the same time as less as remembered though it shouldn’t be. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

Rebecca: Which show was that?

TLOTA: Fox’s Peter Pan & The Pirates (Cut to opening credit of “Fox’s Peter Pan & The Pirates” then cut to clips of the show with Rowdy and James doing voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voice over): What can be said about this series The Nostalgia Critic didn’t say in his “Top Eleven Animated Nostalgic TV Shows” It really was put together well, so well in fact when it came to a pilot episode, everyone said “Pilot Episode, Schmilot Episode” You can tell a lot of effort was put into it, making it closest to the original J.M. Barrie story more so than the Disney movie.

TLOTA (Voice over): It doesn’t hurt that one of the best actors to portray Captain Hook in this series as well. (Show clips of “Peter Pan & The Pirates” of Captain Hook performed by Tim Curry being intercut with audio of “Rocky Horror Picture Show” as his character Frank-N-Furter as well as Daniel “Rooster” Hannigan from the 1980’s version of “Annie”, Wadsworth The Butler from “Clue” saying “Communism was just a Red Herring”, An audio clip of “King” Chicken from “Duckman” giving his backstory, Pennywise from “IT”, Dragaunus from “The Mighty Ducks” and Nigel Thornberry in “The Wild Thornberrys” before James resumes his voice over) That’s right, Tim Curry is Captain Hook in this series and I swear there cannot be anyone who can be as incredibly amazing as Captain Hook. (Show clip of Christopher Walken being Christopher Walken being Captain Hook in NBC’s “Peter Pan Live” before cutting to everyone on the couch.)

Everyone: Oh yeah, forgot about him.

Rowdy: Either way, you still gotta hand it to Curry that this was MUCH better than a certain other villain role he had in the 90s… (Cut to Clip of Kilokahn from “Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad” for five seconds before cutting back to everyone on the couch) Yeah… THAT. (Cut to clips of Peter Pan and the Pirates with Rowdy and James doing voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voice over): Regardless, it goes without saying that this series was awesome and its effort was not wasted!

TLOTA (Voice over): Just like the next series we’re going to talk about! (Cut to opening credits of Tom & Jerry Kids before cutting to everyone on the couch.)

Rowdy: Ho boy, figures I’d have to talk about this series. (Cut to clips of Tom And Jerry Kids with Rowdy and James doing voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): This one has been on my to-review list for a long time! But in all fairness, there has been a reason why I have yet to do this series. There isn’t really much to say about it except that it was Hanna-Barbera’s attempt at making Tom And Jerry seem palatable to a younger audience when all is said and done it wasn’t their best work.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Dude, that was harsh I mean yeah it wasn’t as good as the classic shorts but at least this series tried to re-capture the feel of it and besides we had more than just the shorts featuring Tom with a Baseball cap and Jerry wearing a bowtie because, even back then Bowties were cool. We had plenty of other shorts like from… (Cut to intro in which it plays “Well there’s Spike & Tyke, Droopy and Dripple” before cutting to everyone on the couch.)

TLOTA: Okay Spike & Tyke I knew about, Droopy, I knew about but who’s Dripple? (Cut to clips of Droopy and Dripple and then the other shorts with James and Rowdy doing voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Seriously I had very little idea until I discovered on-line so take this information with a grain of salt that Dripple is in fact Droopy’s son! Yeah, we’re told that he is in fact Droopy’s son in every short they’re in. But despite the lack of serious explanation about certain things I actually found this series a load of laughs and entertaining as all get out.

Rowdy (Voiceover): Well, I’m glad you enjoyed this series but something tells me there had to be, HAD TO BE something better even though Hanna-Barbera was on its last legs. (Cut to intro of “Pirates Of Dark Water.” Then cutting to Ash in “Army Of Darkness” shouting “YEAAH BAAABY!” before cutting to clips of the series with James and Rowdy doing voiceovers.)

TLOTA (voiceover): Is this more to your liking?

Rowdy: Though technically going to ABC after the five part pilot was seen, it still counts as something on “Fox Kids” and yeah it is more to my liking. This was something original and had effort put into the story and the characters like Ren the Prince of this Alien world called Mer, A Monkey Bird hybrid that missed being in “The Wuzzles” by I think a few years named Niddler, a pirate who eventually forms a bond with Ren called Ioz and a bar maiden who happens to be a practitioner of magical arts! (Show clips of Tula using Magic before cutting to everyone on the couch.)

TLOTA: Hey Rebecca can you do anything like that?

Rowdy: How about you Renee?

Renee: Well I placed a hex on Rusev so he’d lose to John Cena at Wrestlemania!

Rebecca: I can make men in metal suits get so hot they can cook popcorn on their chest piece!

Paulo: Rebecca, please I’m right next to you.

Rebecca: And make my brother feel uncomfortable in the process!

TLOTA & Rowdy (In Unison): You not even trying! (Cut to clips of “Pirates Of Dark Water” while Rowdy & James do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): Needless to say this show was amazing in all aspects from animation to voice acting to character use.

TLOTA (Voiceover): But surely we need something a little more lighthearted that even we all like. (Cut to opening credits of “Tiny Toon Adventures” then clips of the show while Rowdy & James do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): NOW WE’RE TALKING! THIS is what “Tom & Jerry Kids” should’ve been like. “Tiny Toon Adventures!” The show that STARTED Warner’s run of amazing animated shows in the 90s! With the backing of Steven Spielberg himself, Warner Brothers Animation Studios took the classic Looney Tunes characters teaching cartoon lessons to younger modern versions of themselves like Babs & Buster Bunny(No Relation),  Plucky Duck, Hamton Pig, Furball & Sweetie,  Gogo Dodo, Calamity Coyote & Little Beeper, Byron Basset, Bookworm, Li’l Sneezer, Concord Condor, Dizzy Devil even Montana Max and probably the most disliked animated character of all time Elmyra Duff seems to be likable in this series. When there was were single focused episodes you could tell they were good. When they did short cartoons with a wraparound narrative or just shorts that didn’t need that were funny as all get out! THIS is how you re-package the Looney Tunes characters for the next generation. Unlike some OTHER shows that need not be mentioned... (Cut to promotional photo of Loonatics Unleashed before cutting back to clips of Tiny Toon Adventures)

TLOTA (Voiceover): No disagreements here. I absolutely love the effort used on this series and the fact it won seven Daytime Emmys is nothing to sneeze at and the fact the people who worked were seasoned veterans that had a lot of great ideas that really felt genuine to both the kids who love the new characters and to the adults who enjoyed the Looney Tunes and somewhere in the middle everyone enjoyed a lot of what this show had to offer as did the show that succeeded it. (Cut to opening credits of “Animaniacs” then cut to the scene of “Avatar: The Last Airbender” with that cheering crowd and the one screaming for so long he foams at the mouth before cutting to clips of “Animaniacs” while Rowdy & James do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): There is a reason why “Animaniacs” is near the top of the Nostalgia Critic’s list of Top Animated Nostalgic series and it is easy to know why. Great animation, great writing, great music and of course it takes the cake when it comes to the voice actors.

Rowdy (Voiceover): Then of course there was the characters from the show. As I said in my “Pinky, Elmyra and The Brain” review what was funny about those shorts was of course when either Pinky or The Brain do something to self-sabotage their plans of world domination.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Then there’s Slappy Squirrel after watching her shorts especially “Critical Condition” it’s no wonder she made your top ten TV snarks.

Rowdy (Voiceover): But I’m sure you liked these birds! (Show clips of “The Goodfeathers” shorts before cutting to everyone on the couch.)

TLOTA: What are ya saying? Are you saying because I’m an Italian that I’d automatically like the imitations of Joe Pesci, Ray Liotta and Robert DeNiro? That you think that I as a New Yorker would be like these characters even though we’re nowhere NEAR New York City and the Five Burroughs, IS That what you were saying?

Rowdy: No! No! I’m not saying that, I’m saying you might’ve liked it because you’re nothing like them and to you they’d be the type of characters you’d laugh at.

TLOTA: I am nothing like “The Goodfeathers”. Oh, Okay, I got it now. (Cut to clips of Animaniacs while Rowdy does a voiceover.)

Rowdy (Voiceover): All we can add to what the Nostalgia Critic has said is that with all the shows it’s a classic that can never be duplicated at all. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

John Santos: Well, just so you’re all aware I know who the Nostalgia Critic is and I never saw that “Animated Nostalgic shows” and I have to ask what topped it?

TLOTA: Well John I’m glad you asked because it just so happens to be the first DC Comic Book properties made amazingly awesome. (Cut to end of the 1990’s Batman Animated series opening credits then to clips of “Batman The Animated Series” while Rowdy and James do voiceovers.)

Rowdy (Voiceover): NOW we’re really getting into the great material that made Fox Kids amazing. “Batman The Animated Series” under the direction of Bruce Timm & Paul Dini took advantage of the Popularity of the Tim Burton movies featuring The Dark Knight and used it to create great episodes that felt like it came from the source material.

TLOTA (Voiceover): I agree and to say they made Batman and his gallery of Rogues interesting in probably the understatement of the century. I mean they took the backstories of some of the goofier villains like Mr. Freeze and turned them into Greek Tragedies and those led to amazing stories like with the two part “Two-Face” episode before then we saw Harvey Dent the D.A. and how he was a good guy but when the two parter that made Harvey Dent into Two-Face that moment where he added what happened to him and his parents still one of the most gut wrenching moments in the show’s history. And it goes without saying that this moment still resonates with Batman shouts this out. (Show clip of Batman saying “I AM Vengeance! I AM THE KNIGHT! I…AM…BATMAN!” before cutting to everyone on the couch.)

TLOTA (With a lowered resonance in his voice): Yowza! Hey did everyone hear me say “Yowza!”?

Rowdy (With a lowered resonance in his voice): I think we all sound like you now after hearing that. (Everyone else speaks with a lowered resonance in their voices all say either “Yep” or “Oh Yeah” or “Absolutely” before cutting back to clips of “Batman The Animated series” with Rowdy and James sounding normally and doing voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): It goes without saying that this was one of the highlights in the renaissance of animation.

TLOTA (Voiceover): But that’s nothing because even though this series was one of DC’s highlights of the 1990’s that didn’t mean the next series in this programming block which was DC’s competition comic book wise didn’t mean what they had to offer had to be considered second class. (Cut to the opening credits of X-MEN The animated series then to clips of X-MEN while Rowdy and James do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): X-MEN was definitely dark and gritty as Batman The Animated Series but it also had its “Fred Wolf” Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles moments. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

Rowdy: “Fred Wolf” Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles moments?

TLOTA: Well, take a look at all the moments featuring Jubilee. (Cut to clips of Jubilee being Jubilee before cutting back to everyone on the couch going oh yeah and agreeing with what James said before cutting to the clips of X-MEN while Rowdy & James do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): What was particularly great was its soap operatic feel especially with the sagas it would have. I still cry at the end of both The Phoenix Saga and The Dark Phoenix Saga. Plus the episodes that could’ve been considered filler were as amazing as they were great social allegories like with the episode “Beauty and The Beast” in which Beast played by George Buza was able to cure a woman’s blindness and yet while she could see the gentle soul inside of him, Her dad didn’t like the fact that he’s a mutant but when a group of Anti-Mutant Human racists kidnap the girl it’s up to Wolverine played by Cathal J. Dodd who I think is the better Wolverine even better than Hugh Jackman or Steve Blum in my opinion to discover A) The leader of the Anti-Mutant Human Racist Group is in fact the son of a mutant and B) Stop an impassioned Beast from going into them and going to turn them into Anti-Mutant Human Shish-ka-Bobs for hurting the girl.

Rowdy (Voiceover): And Holy Moly was the animation great. Not just in the beginning of the show’s run, it actually looks better as the series progresses and when I check out an episode now a days I find myself whenever I feel like watching an episode I see how it looks better than the series that came after this X-Men Series but I think I’ll hold off on reviewing that series for my own show.

TLOTA (Voiceover): But wait Marvel wasn’t done yet as they were able to mix traditional 2-D Animation with Computer Generated animation semi-flawlessly in their next series. (Cut to opening credits of “Spider-Man” 1990’s series before cutting to everyone on the couch.)

Eric Kurtzke: Wait, I thought you didn’t like Spider-Man.

TLOTA: Well, this was before the Sam Raimi movies and all the bad decisions that made me turn against the Web-Head. (Cut to clips of the 1990’s Spider-Man series while Rowdy and James do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This was when Spidey was semi responsible and he knew it and reminded himself of it constantly and the villains were the reminder of his mistakes, plus this was the first time that every villain was a legitimate threat plus The way they Introduced The Kingpin was amazing. I had heard about him but then came Roscoe Lee Browne’s voice. (Cut to clips of Kingpin being menacing before Rowdy does his voiceover)

Rowdy (Voiceover): But lest we forget about the sagas. From The Alien Costume three parter, The Neogenic Nightmare saga, The Sins Of The Father saga, The Partners In Danger Saga, The Six Forgotten Warriors Saga and finally The Secret Wars/Spider Wars sagas all of them were interconnected and all of them did everything in their power to make the series as soap operatic as X-MEN was especially when all the episodes of both shows were directed by the same guy.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Oh wow didn’t know that about both series but what else they had somewhat in common was Ron Wasserman as the composer even though Joe Perry from Aerosmith did the opening theme to the Spider-Man series but guess what else Ron Wasserman worked on. (Cut to Mighty Morphin Power Rangers intro before cutting to Daniel Bryan at Wrestlemania 30 and a full arena of people saying “YES! YES! YES!” before cutting to Rowdy and James doing voiceovers over clips of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.)

Rowdy (Voiceover): You didn’t think we would forget this series now would ya? Now the most common negative criticism is that it is “Saved By The Bell” meets Godzilla. But tell me this. Did “Saved By The Bell” have Mr. Belding and the gang take on Tokusatsu Monsters? Or Did Godzilla have interesting human characters? HELL NO! Mighty Morphin Power Rangers broke the mold when it came to live action kids shows and we all can’t forget (Show images of Kimberly being Kimberly with “Dreamweaver” by Gary Wright in the background before cutting to James walking off the couch as everyone else is looking at Rowdy with an inquisitive look on their face as James comes back with a bucket of ICE COLD Water and dumps it on Rowdy causing him to try to pummel James before cutting to a black screen with the words “One Hour Later” for one second before cutting to everyone is on the couch and James has minor marks and Rowdy has a lump the size of James palm on his forehead and the two apologizing for the actions both did to each other before James does his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well there is a reason Power Rangers is generally seen as what made Fox Kids different from most of what was being seen and the fact that people still talk about it to this day means that it has done something truly morphinominal! (Cut to the end of the opening credit before cutting to everyone on the couch.)

TLOTA: Of course Rowdy since we opened up the can of worms let’s do some fishing and address the Thirty ton Rhino in the room. (James pulls out The Megaforce Morpher, pulling out the card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans on it de-morphing James back to normal)

James Faraci: We have seen the short film “Power/Rangers” and to be blunt, there was a lot to like but I found more to dislike. I disliked the fact it did go so dark and basically bastardize the characters I knew and loved. Making things worse is when the Director had to clarify that the movie was a parody. To me a parody makes fun of the original source material while at the same time honors it as humorously as possible. Watching Zack the Black Ranger get wired on Cocaine and having a Ménage A Trois with Scorpina & Divatox then taking on North Korea just was about as funny as my Cardiac Arrhythmia catheter correction surgery. The ONLY dignified thing they did was acknowledge that what happened to Trini was that she died as a dignified homage to actress Thuy Trang’s untimely demise. Otherwise bad parody is never good to watch at all. Chris, you got anything to say.

Rowdy: What? We’re doing this out of character or something? (James nods his head saying yes) Okay (Rowdy Takes off his hat and glasses)

Chris Lee Moore: Meh, the guy who tried really tried to do something stupid, and I don’t let it bother me because I knew that would never get made into a mainstream movie. I say it’s not really worth our time. Save the rage for those that are REALLY fracking up our childhood in the mainstream – like Michael Bay and David Goyer, basically Linkara said it best in his “History Of Power Rangers” episode on “Power Rangers: RPM” If you like it, good for you. If not I won’t hold it against you.

James Faraci: Cool, I’m glad you’re able to be honest about it. Now that we’ve said our peace about that thing. Let us never talk about that movie again. (James pulls out Megaforce Morpher and the card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher morphing James back to The Last Of The Americans like he did in the 1990’s & Rowdy puts his hat back on and puts on his glasses.)

TLOTA: Having said all that, let’s move on to something more lighthearted from that blood sucker to “The Tick”. (Cut to opening credit of “The Tick” animated series before cutting everyone on the couch)

Paulo: Oh man this show was great!

John & Mike Santos: SPOOOOOOOON!

Eric Kurtzke: Okay!

Renee: DAMN, You got some good taste!

Rebecca: Does anyone really care about this series?

Rowdy: I saw a few episodes of this in order to understand the live action version of this thing for TV Trash so I’ve got nothing to say.

TLOTA: Well Thankfully I do! (Cut to clips of “The Tick” animated series while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This show is just a great send-up of all the tropes of the Comic Book industry and how the Superheroes were being seen in the industry and there was a goofiness to it that played it to the hilt. Imagine Kick-Ass without the insane violence, swearing and Nicolas Cage. Which I may review later on this year. But the point is “The Tick” is one of the funniest cartoons I’ve seen ever known exists. (Cut to Everyone on the Couch)

Rowdy: Well at least this is the last time we dip into series I’ve already reviewed and or mentioned…. Right?

TLOTA: Well…. (Cut to opening of Masked Rider before cutting back to everyone on the couch as Rowdy screams in agony)

TLOTA: Hey, Hey, Hey take it easy, take it easy we’ll be brief about it!

Rowdy: Oh okay then I’ll take this on one more time. (Cut to clips of “Masked Rider” while Rowdy and James do voiceovers.)

Rowdy (Voiceover): Because I already talked about this, there isn’t much for me to say except for me to say “Check out my review of “Masked Rider” on TV Trash.”

TLOTA (Voiceover): And I agree with MOST of what you said in that review and the fact that the actors, writers, producers and directors and everyone involved in the series has pretty much decided not put it on top of their resumes and most involved have pretty much left Hollywood for normal lives. Means that this series was really not that greatly remembered. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

Rowdy: Well, that is good news and hopefully the next series you have in line is better than Masked Rider.

TLOTA: Well how about the animated backstory behind the comedian that first hosted the revival of “Family Feud”. (Cut to the opening credit of “Life With Louie” while Rowdy & James do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): “Life with Louie” based on the comedy of Louie Anderson was about his life as a kid in Minnesota and to be honest I could relate to this series in a way especially with how unlucky Louie was when he was a kid and how his family could drive the Pope to Alcoholism.

Rowdy (Voiceover): To me I saw this and thought to myself how could be jokes about Suburban life in Minnesota be entertaining and then I remember that the aforementioned Linkara lives in Minnesota and he has a freaking Spaceship so by contrast “Life with Louie” would’ve been entertaining but to me it’s just not for me. I would’ve rather read a “Goosebumps” book than listened to Louie Anderson portray most of the characters.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well seeing as how you just mentioned “Goosebumps”.

Rowdy (Voiceover): You didn’t (Show opening credits of Goosebumps then cut to everyone on the couch)

Rowdy: You did?

TLOTA: Yep.

Rowdy: Cool! (Cut to clips of “Goosebumps” while Rowdy and James do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): Based on the R. L. Stine line of books, the series was loosely trying to be like “Are You Afraid Of The Dark?” except for the fact that the stories I read were more scary then the episodes they based them on.

TLOTA (Voiceover): But I do give the producers of this series for putting effort into making the episodes as creative as they could be given the content. Remember the books and the series was meant to be kid friendly as possible as well as creepy as all get out. Don’t believe us, check out C.R.’s lists on “Goosebumps”. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

Paulo: But surely they had more than that?

TLOTA: Absolutely. Enter Big Bad Beetleborgs. (Cut to opening of “Big Bad Beetleborgs” then cut to clips of the show as Rowdy and James do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): I talked about this briefly in my review of “Masked Rider” and I had said that the adaptation of the Tokusatsu series Juukou B-Fighter for its first season and B-Fighter Kabuto for the second season when they re-named the series to “Beetleborgs Metallix” was meant to be goofy and lighthearted in its execution and there was an energy about it that kept the show lively.

TLOTA (Voiceover): And you can tell that there was effort put into making the action very interesting but they really seemed to want to split the focus between the action and what was going on at the mansion which had four of the classic Universal characters but they couldn’t use the actual names of those Universal characters so we have them named FrankenBeans (Rowdy falsely laughs with a Ha! Ha!), Mums, Wolfgang “Wolfie” Smith (Rowdy falsely laughs with a Ha! Ha!), and Count Fangula (Rowdy falsely laughs with a Ha! Ha! Then an audible thwack and OW is heard before James continues his voiceover) Then we have Flabber! Who looked like the offspring of Elvis and Ronald McDonald, acted like Jamie Kennedy in “Son Of The Mask” when he was “The Mask” and gave the kids powers to be the Beetleborgs. But you don’t have to take my word for it, you can listen to the opening credits of the first season to get the plot of how things came to be. (Cut to the opening credits as it gives the exposition of the series before James continues his voiceover) So good you don’t need to see the pilot but it doesn’t hurt but for all of my ragging on this thing. I actually liked this series for the fact it felt like Power Rangers lite but in a good way. The characters were interesting, the battles were amazing even though they used way too many Adam West Batman style onomatopoeias for its own good and there was good stories enough to make me remember Beetleborgs fondly. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: However most of the series put on the Fox Kids Programming Block are a crapshoot after this.

Everyone else on the couch: Really?

TLOTA: Really, Really.  But we’ll deal with them after the break. But now, let’s do what we did during commercial breaks. Me I am going to do my homework.

Rowdy: You did your homework.

TLOTA: Yep, That’s my life. Work during the breaks and relax while working.

Rowdy: Well, I’m going to enjoy my snack.

TLOTA: You held on to that box of Cap’n Crunch since the 1990’s?

Rowdy: Nah, I raided the pantry.

Paulo: Well I’m gonna join James in the “Getting Homework Done” gang.

Rebecca: We haven’t had homework in a long time. But I’m gonna get us all a bite to eat as well.

Renee: Well I’m gonna check out the latest on WWE.

Rowdy: Try The Wrestling Mark. His News is always on the money.

John Santos: I’ll try that out too.

Mike Santos: You’re a dork

John Santos: And Proud of it too!

Eric Kurtzke: Well I’m gonna see what’s gonna happen to in the next “Star Trek” movie.

Rowdy: You’re a Trekkie?

Eric Kurtzke: Yeah and while James was cleaning up the mess, I decided it’d be logical to research you and I want to say on behalf of all Trekkies, I’m sorry you had to deal with “Turnabout Intruder” & “Spock’s Brain”

Rowdy: Thanks dude.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review as scene begins with everyone on the couch)

Paulo: So what you’re saying is that after “Big Bad Beetleborgs”, what “Fox Kids” was showing was either hit or miss.

TLOTA: Pretty Much just take a look at “Godzilla The Series” (Show opening of “Godzilla The Series” before cutting to clips of the show while Rowdy and James do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): I talked about the classic Hanna-Barbera series once on “TV Trash” and when I did, people were hoping I would talk about this series as well and I can see why the fact that this series is based on the abomination of a movie made in the same year would’ve been a great episode of “TV Trash” on its own.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well the fact the people behind the 1998 movie have pretty much said how bad their movie was and has denounced it. Plus in the forty episodes of this series it has Godzilla taking on Monsters possibly made by the fallout that created Godzilla and the fact they made effort in keeping in cannon to the movie makes it slightly better than The Hanna-Barbera series. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: But The Hanna Barbera series has a nostalgic factor to it that makes it enjoyable. Unlike Ninja Turtles Abomination.

Rowdy: Not again!

TLOTA: Hey just relax, I’ll do the majority of talking about it. You don’t need to worry about saying a syllable about it.

Renee: Why is that?

TLOTA: Because Renee, the only thing worse to bear the title of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the godawful abomination produced by Michael Bay and Directed by Johnathan Liebesman which is so awful I will NEVER EVER REVIEW IT! NOT EVEN FOR ALL THE GOLD IN FORT KNOX AND ALL THE TEA IN CHINA!

Paulo: While you were scaring both Rowdy and Renee I did some research on what you’re talking about and the only thing that is mentioned when I cross-referenced The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Fox Kids is Ninja Turtles…

TLOTA: HO BOY!

Paulo: The Next…..

TLOTA: HERE WE GO!

Paulo: Mutation? (Rowdy turns his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face as the “Ninja Turtles The Next Mutation” theme song plays then quickly cuts to the title card of the show before cutting back to everyone trying to hold Rowdy (who has one arm free and is swinging away with his baseball bat) back and Paulo has a Garbage Can Lid to shield him from Rowdy!)

TLOTA: AS YOU’RE ALL WELL AWARE MY ASSOCIATE AND FRIEND WHO IS TRYING TO PUMMEL A FRIEND AND SOMEONE I WORK WITH INTO HAMBURGER HAS ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THIS SERIES TWICE. ONCE ON “TV TRASH” AND THE OTHER TIME ON HIS NINJA TURTLES RETROSPECTIVE SO THERE’S REALLY NO REASON FOR HIM TO TALK ABOUT THIS SERIES SO I’LL DO THE MAJORITY OF TALKING ABOUT IT! GOOSFRABA! GOOSFRABA! GOOSFRABA! (Cut to clips of Ninja Turtles Next Mutation as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And to be honest, I’ve got nothing to say that my associate hasn’t already said. This is probably the one of the worst things to have be associated with The Ninja Turtles outside of the 2014 movie even the crossover with the Power Rangers of that season wasn’t good. This wasn’t even worthy even being made but it was made and it butt hurt the Turtles so bad that had it not been for the 4Kids series that came out nearly a decade after this. It would’ve been possibly the series that killed The Ninja Turtles for good but thankfully the people behind it did something FAR more superior! (Cut to title card to “Mystic Knights Of Tir Na Nog” before cutting to everyone having calmed down and looking with a surprised look on their faces before cutting to clips of the show while Rowdy and James do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): HOLY TOLEDO! WHY DID I MISS THIS? Look at the effort, the tales taken from Celtic Lore and believe it or not made into its own Sentai. That’s right, this was all original footage shot on location in Ireland. This was the effort that should’ve been in “Abomination”!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well you said it yourself in your Ninja Turtles Retrospective as Saban felt the Turtles had a built-in audience. The Mystic Knights didn’t and it suffered which is a real shame because a lot of everything about it was great ESPECIALLY the story, especially the characters and especially the care to the source of the characters. But it didn’t help that it was sandwiched with this (Cut to title of “Young Hercules” before cutting to clips of the show as James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Considered a poor version of a prequel series to the Kevin Sorbo series. “Young Hercules” told the tale of Hercules played by Ryan Gosling as he is trained to harness his powers while befriending Iolaus and Jason of Corinth at an academy run by Chiron a centaur played by Nathaniel Lees and the half hour adventures they could fit in and it wasn’t bad and all but it was a bad idea for them not to renew this series and Mystic Knights instead of giving us (Cut to “Spider-Man Unlimited” title card before cutting to clips of the show while Rowdy and James do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): Oh come on James, You knew this was on my “To Review One Day” List for TV Trash. But since I am here, yes I will admit that this show was doomed from start to finish. Why? Because it was poorly conceived from The Pilot episode to the half-finished finale.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well to be honest no one knew whether or not this series was a continuation of the “Spider-Man” series that had ended not long before this series began or a new series that took place in another universe but that’s nothing compared to what Marvel had in store for one of its final series for Fox Kids. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

John Santos: Are you talking about “Avengers: United They Stand”?

TLOTA: Dude that series is so bad even Rowdy won’t review it!

Rowdy: That’s right but this series is just right.

TLOTA: That of course being “Silver Surfer”. (Cut to title card of “Silver Surfer before cutting to clips of the show while Rowdy and James do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): While the N.E.S. game was hard as all get out to play that even The Angry Video Game Nerd had a hard time playing.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Understating the obvious on that one.

Rowdy (Voiceover): Shut up! Silver Surfer the animated series was a gamble that didn’t work but that doesn’t mean it was bad.

TLOTA (Voiceover): And I agree with you. The Animation blended Cell shaded animation with Computer rendered animation. The character of Silver Surfer was a Greek tragedy. Sacrificing his past as Norrin Radd became the herald of Galactus and the adventures The Silver Surfer has slowly becoming a hero and not just a servant of a god and I wish everyone gave it a half a chance but not everything can pan out. Such as the next series… (Cut to opening credits of “Los Luchadores” then to clips of Los Luchadores with Rowdy doing a voiceover)

Rowdy (Voiceover): Yeah, kind of a weird series but in all honesty it makes sense. Los Luchadores follows the tale of Masked Wrestlers Lobo Fuerte, Turbine & Maria Valentine fight their fellow Luchadores in the ring and take on villains that even Adam West’s Batman and (Shutters) Electra Elf and Fluffer would consider lame. (Cut to everyone on the couch.)

TLOTA: We saw the review THAT is about as much of “Electra Elf & Fluffer” we EVER want to see of that series! But as far as Los Luchadores is concerned I’m willing to wager Dollars to Doughnuts even Hardcore WWE fans would love this series. (The Wrestling Mark pops in via Genie blink)

The Wrestling Mark: I’ll take that wager.

Rowdy: Wrestling Mark?! What the….? (Everyone else save for James is shocked to see that The Wrestling Mark looks like Rowdy.)

TLOTA: I take it Jeannie brought you here.

The Wrestling Mark: You bet and I come bearing a message from your mom Rowdy. She said “Finish up with your friend soon or else she’s gonna come and drag you home!” Now with that bit of business done and over with, James give me Los Luchadores.

TLOTA: Sure thing dude. (The Wrestling Mark takes the DVD of “Los Luchadores” and walks off screen to the right before cutting to clips of the show as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Regardless “Los Luchadores” was fun, original for the most part and incredibly entertaining which is more than I can say for the last series I want to talk about in this review of this programming block. (Cut to everyone save for James & Rowdy still in shock on the couch.)

Rowdy: Well what’s wrong with the last series?

TLOTA: Well, it’s not a bad series, it’s just what happens when “Fox Kids” tried to play “Keeping up with the Joneses” with Digimon! (Cut to opening title card of “Digimon” then to clips of “Digimon” as Rowdy & James do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If you saw The Nostalgia Critic and JesuOtaku’s crossover on Digimon The Movie, I can understand why everyone would dislike the series. But for me this wasn’t a poor man’s Pokemon. It was Fox Kids’ desperate attempt to say “Hey Look at us! We’re still cool! We’re still relevant! We’ve got monsters fighting one another! We’re still cool” and that hurt not only a pretty good show it in essence killed “Fox Kids”.

Rowdy (Voiceover): Actually what happened was a mercy killing as Disney purchased all the programming of “Fox Kids” and Saban Entertainment. But like you I don’t blame or hate Digimon. It had good stories, decent characters and for a dubbed Anime it was well developed and produced and yes I agree with you about how things went down behind the scenes and what killed “Fox Kids”. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

Paulo: Well that’s a shame about how things went for “Fox Kids”.

Rebecca: Do you guys think we’ll ever see a revival?

Renee: Maybe if they did it like a Network like Nickelodeon.

Eric: Maybe an app or a streaming network on line.

Mike Santos: Maybe their own spot on “Netflix”

John Santos: Or We can leave well enough alone and remember what “Fox Kids” were about.

Rowdy: I agree with John on this!  (Cut to clips of “Fox Kids” Programming while Rowdy and James do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): Because there was a lot of great shows, a lot of decent ones and quite a few stinkers some I’ve reviewed already but regardless “Fox Kids” was awesome as it was able to last a little longer than “The Disney Afternoon” because not only did they play the game their own way, they did it with enthusiasm.

TLOTA (Voiceover): And I can’t disagree with you because we still remember these shows to this day. The fact most of these series are available on Streaming Services and DVD releases make it easier to remember all that was truly amazing about “Fox Kids” and the shows that showed because Fox Kids are what? (Cut to the end of an opening of an episode with all the characters in the ad shouting “Fox Kids Is Cool” before cutting to everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: Well guys “Fox Kids” is over, now what? (Rowdy’s mom pops in via Genie Blink)

Rowdy’s Mom: CHRISTOPHER LEE MOORE, YOU GET HOME RIGHT NOW!

Rowdy: But Mom!

Rowdy’s Mom: No buts, you’ve got homework and chores to take care of and you’ve got your own series to get back to. (Rowdy’s mom grabs Rowdy by his ear and drags him out before they pop out via Genie Blink and Everyone save for James chuckles and Paulo says tauntingly “Rowdy got yelled by his mommy! Rowdy got yelled by his mommy! Rowdy got yelled by his mommy!” and proceeds to chuckle as Paulo and Rebecca’s mom comes in and says in Spanish “Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca, you’ve got to get going too!” with subtitles in English underneath. Paulo replies in Spanish and subtitled in English “But Mom!” and Paulo and Rebecca’s mom replies in Spanish and subtitled in English. “It’ll be your butts if you don’t get moving” and James walks them out the door and tells everyone else to get going as well as James gets back onto his couch to take a sigh of relief when HIS mom comes in.)

James’ Mom: JAMES BENJAMIN FARACI, YOU GET HOME RIGHT NOW! THERE ARE CHORES THAT HAVE TO BE DONE, YOU’VE GOT DINNER TO MAKE AND YOU STILL HAVE TO GET A SHEET ON YOUR BED! (James’ mom grabs James by the seat of his pants and drags him home as James shouts “Can I finish this please?” As James pulls his upper half into frame)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion! (James is getting dragged and is screaming Ow! All the way before The Wrestling Mark comes in on the right.)

The Wrestling Mark: Hey James this would be good if WWE had co-produced this series and… (Looks around to see no one is there.) Where did everyone go?!