(Scene starts with James opening the inside front door to
his Office building as he quietly sings to himself the lyrics to the “Red
Dwarf” end credits and holding in his right hand a copy of “Josie & The
Pussycats” as he heads to his Office quarter’s door James quietly singing the
lines “Goldfish Shoals nibbling on my…” Slowly looks around in the corner of
his eyes as he sings “Toes” then proceeds to turn around slowly to jump as the
camera cuts to Eliza Dushku & Traci Hines smiling creepily at James before
cutting to James at the door.)
TLOTA: Hi there. Have you two been helped? (Cut to Eliza
& Traci)
Eliza Dushku: Hello James.
Traci Hines: Do you know…? (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Yes I do, Eliza Dushku from movies like “True Lies”,
“The New Guy” & “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and TV shows like “Buffy
The Vampire Slayer”, “Angel” “Tru Calling” & “Dollhouse” and you’ve done
voice work in “Batman: Year One” & “HULK & The Agents of S.M.A.S.H.”
and your cohort is Traci Hines best known as Helvetica The Hipster Mermaid from
the web series “Life Lessons From A Hipster Mermaid”. The two of you are
awesome! (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Eliza Dushku: Well you know who we are, Impressive, Most
Impressive. (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Thanks, I guess. (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Traci Hines: I see that you have “Josie & The Pussycats”
(Cut to James)
TLOTA: Why yes, yes I do. In order to show people why
remaking Kids cartoons from the past might not be a great idea. Like with what
they’re going to do with “Jem & The Holograms” (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Traci Hines: Did you know I… (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Auditioned for the movie that hasn’t seen that big an
Internet Backlash since the advent of The Internet? (Cut to Eliza & Traci)
Traci Hines: You are on the ball. I hope the review goes
well for you.
Eliza Dushku: Knock ‘em dead (Eliza comes up to James’ ear
to whisper in his ear “Tiger” and James gets a cold shiver down his back before
Eliza backs away to see James feel uncomfortable.)
TLOTA: Well, thanks I … (Cut to see Eliza & Traci having
disappeared before cutting to James.)
TLOTA: Huh that was… (Eliza & Traci appears out of
nowhere and James jump screams before cutting to James as Eliza & Traci is
seen from her back.)
TLOTA: YOWZA! Would you two please kindly go elsewhere? (Eliza
& Traci walk away before James walks into his office quarter)
TLOTA: What is going on around here? DWAH! (Cut to see Eliza
& Traci at James’ Office chair before cutting to James at the door.)
TLOTA: COULD YOU TWO LET ME TO DO MY WORK IN PEACE AND
SANITY PLEASE…? EWOW! (James turns around to see Eliza & Traci behind him.)
TLOTA: PLEASE TURN AROUND AND TAKE A HIKE! (Cut to see Eliza
and Traci next to James)
TLOTA: EYAH! WILL YOU TWO PLEASE FIND SOMEPLACE ELSE TO GO?
(Eliza and Traci walk away arousing James before he sighs.)
TLOTA: Well let’s see what if this movie is worth it.
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the
statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the
Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season
of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The
Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it,
Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up
on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a
bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle
and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand,
Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme
from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme
from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping
and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging
from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr.
Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy
running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue
streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then
culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and
zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the
final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of
the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where
lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from
the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of
the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric
Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his
left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from
the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the
camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of
The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the
views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well…
this is happening. (Cut to clips of the preview for “Jem & The Holograms” and
the classic 1980’s animated series while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not when I was
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY younger, I occasionally saw an episode of “JEM” and when I
heard that Hollywood is making a live action version of this cartoon my
reaction was “eh” at best that is until I saw the trailers and I just said to
myself “No! Just….Just NO!” and to answer why that was my reaction is because
they obviously missed the mark by galaxies. Because from what little of the
series I saw, there was action, adventure, comedy, women with questionable
theatrical makeup designs outside of KISS who look friggin bad ass in their
gear and just enough energy to make people enjoy its harmless fun and if the
trailer is any indication of what this film is gonna be, let’s say if you see
either The Nostalgia Critic or The Blockbuster Buster tagging up with Nash from
“Radio Dead Air” to take this turkey on, you’ll know why I’m not reviewing it.
(Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: But I will give the movie this, it didn’t have a
“Post “She’s All That”” Rachel Leigh Cook, a “Pre-“Sharknado”” Tara Reid and a
“Pre-“Netflix & Marvel Daredevil” series” Rosario Dawson. (Cut to Opening
credit of “Josie & The Pussycats” while “Three Small Words” plays in the
background then cutting to James doing a voiceover clips of the movie.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): As if this movie isn’t dripping in dated
cheese & ham, “Josie & The Pussycats” based on the Archie Comics series
and Hanna-Barbera Saturday Morning Series was the first movie from this
millennium that I legitimately HATED! It has the subtlety of Nicolas Cage,
Pauly Shore & Shia LaBeouf playing “The Three Stooges” and possibly has
more Product Placement than “Superman: Man Of Steel”, “Garfield The Movie”,
“Foodfight” & “Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights” combined! (Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA: I know that sounds physically impossible but trust me
this is what happened when my team & I tried to watch it and gauge it with
a Subtlety meter. (Cut to everyone using fire extinguishers and anything to
smother out the fire and John rushes in with a bucket of water)
TLOTA: STOP! John, Water on an Electric fire? What are you NUTS?!
(Cut to James in his office quarters)
TLOTA: And that was after one second of screen time. How
will the rest of the movie go? Let’s find out, this is “Josie & The
Pussycats”. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So as the movie opens we’re introduced to
DuJour played by Breckin Meyer, Seth Green, Donald Faison & Peter Facinelli
and they greet their fans with a song before heading out on a world tour which
for me well... (“Backdoor Lover” plays before cutting to James look
uncomfortable as any guy would and says “No Comment” before a Static break
comes in and The Blockbuster Buster comes in on the other side of the static
feed)
Blockbuster Buster: HEY! BRAINIAC! Don’t you dare think that
about my Jam! James Faraci! (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Look E-Rod, I get that fact you like that song but I
think you may have missed the hidden innuendo. (Cut to Blockbuster Buster)
Blockbuster Buster: What hidden innuendo? (Cut to James)
TLOTA: “Backdoor Lover”? Seriously? (Cut to Blockbuster
Buster)
Blockbuster Buster: It means they’re after some serious ass!
(Cut to James)
TLOTA: Which one male or female? (Cut to Blockbuster Buster)
Blockbuster Buster: Never mind! (Cut to the movie as James
does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): On a plane ride they talk to their Record
label Exec Wyatt played by Alan Cumming when they discover something hidden in
their music. So what’s Wyatt to do? Tell the Pilot to set the plane to crash
and leave DuJour on board! Because clearly that wouldn’t make anyone suspicious
and oh by the by in a post 9/11 world, a plane crash killing people NOT FUNNY!
As Wyatt lands in Riverdale we meet our heroines Josie McCoy played by Rachel
Leigh Cook, Valerie Brown played by Rosario Dawson & Melody Valentine regrettably
played by Tara Reid as they perform a gig in….A Bowling Alley where Josie’s
romantic interest Alan M played by Gabriel Mann is the only one who payed
interest in the gig at all. Okay, I get the fact that they’re hard up in the
good luck department but seriously who’s booking their gigs? Apparently
fraternal twin pains in my kiester Alexander Cabot III played by Paulo Costanzo
who I’m certain is grateful every day to be in the Hamptons on “Royal Pains” and
his twin sister…. Alexandra Cabot played by Missi Pyle. (Cut to James with a
pad of paper and a pen physically)
TLOTA: Note to self: call “Archie Comics” and/or Dick Wolf
to see if there is a frivolous Lawsuit over the name of the Character
“Alexandra Cabot”. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Wyatt gets a call from his boss
Fiona played by Parker Posey to find a new band and who does Wyatt find? Our
heroines of course and agrees to sign them on the spot and after a confab that
lasts all of one minute and NO PROPER LEGAL REPRESENTATION and yes I do not
consider the Dum-Dum Twins proper legal representation and our Heroines sign
right on that Dotted line. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Okay, WHY?! (Cut to the movie as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Look I get when you’re young you make a
whole boatload of questionable decisions that come back to bite you in the
tuchus that’s part of growing up but seriously, if I were in their shoes, I’d
maybe say….get a lawyer or AGAIN PROPER LEGAL REPRESENTATION to protect
yourself but no they sign on to the record label and everyone is flown to New
York City or as I call it The Toity County where they’re given a makeover and
branded “Josie & The Pussycats” after that our heroines go to the studio to
record their first album and to give the movie a small amount of credit they do
make the music kind of catchy but listen to this song. (Show clip of “Pretend
To Be Nice” intercut with James sitting there with an inquisitive look on his
face. Just as the “Pretend To Be Nice” clip ends we cut to James sitting there
with the same inquisitive look on his face of two seconds before he snaps out
of it.)
TLOTA: Sorry guys it’s just that the composition of the song
reminds me of another band’s. Just wish I could figure out who’s is it. (Cut to
James’ office door opening when “Green Day” members Billie Joe Armstrong played
by Paulo Fonseca, Mike Dirnt played by Eric Kurtzke & Mike Santos as Tre’
Cool coming in repeating the phrase “Hup, Hup” several times as they go through
fast speed to set up their music equipment in thirty seconds before looking at
James)
“Billie Joe & Mike” (In unison): At your service night
& day! (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Who are you? (Cut to Green Day)
“Billie Joe & Mike” (In unison): We’re Green Day!
EXCELSIOR! (Cut to James)
TLOTA: OhhhhhhhKay! What’s going on around here? (Cut to
Green Day)
“Billie Joe”: We’ve been hearing about this movie for a
while and you’ve been wondering why the song “Pretend To Be Nice” sounds so
familiar to you.
“Mike Dirnt”: So we’ve decided to help clear up your
quandary.
(“Tre’ Cool” honks a bike horn and whistles a bird’s
tweeting with subtitles: “We’re gonna play “Minority” instrumentally” then cuts
to see James look at the subtitles)
TLOTA: What’s up with your Drummer using a bike horn and
whistling like Harpo Marx? (Cut to Green Day)
“Mike Dirnt”: The guy’s been a wreck since his last divorce.
(Cut to James going “Oh!” before cutting back to “Green Day”)
“Billie Joe Armstrong”: Okay guys let’s do it! (The trio
play the Instrumental to the song “Minority” then cut to James)
TLOTA: Well they do sound kind of familiar. (A female voice
off screen played by Eliza Dushku screams “Kind Of Familiar?!” before the door
opens up to see “Josie & The Pussycats” with Josie played by Eliza Dushku,
Valerie played by Renee Miller & Melody played by Traci Hines in a blonde
wig come barging in)
“Josie”: We are SO original as opposed to those old fart
Marx Brothers/Three Stooges Pop Punk Wannabe hacks! (Cut to “Green Day”)
“Billie Joe”: We’ve been making music while you were in
diapers. We’ve got Legal Recourse, Our lawyer will take everything you’ve got!
We’ll see you in Prison!
“Mike Dirnt”: We’ll see you in HELL! (“Tre’ Cool” uses a
Bike Horn to Honk the “Shave and a Haircut” and catcall whistles “Six bits”
with the subtitles saying “We’ll see you on the Pole at the Boom Boom Room” and
“Josie & The Pussycats” look down to see the subtitles then cut to see
James read the subtitles”)
TLOTA: You ladies save your breath. Tre’ you’re a sick sick
man, I don’t care if your wife left you half a billion in the hole, I give these
ladies the right to castrate you with a spoon! (Cut to “Josie & The
Pussycats”)
“Josie”: Enough talk, let’s show what Pussycat Power is all
about! (Cut to “Green Day” and Tre’ Cool whistling “Reveille” and using the
bike horn to sound “Call to Post” as both teams collide and then the scene cuts
to James looking and giving facial expressions of fear, shock & surprise
then ducks as “Billie Joe”’s guitar is flung towards James as grunts and cat
hollers are heard)
TLOTA: Oh look at that! It’s time for a break!
“Billie Joe Armstrong” (Audio only): MY CABBAGES!
TLOTA: That had to hurt!
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top
of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the
commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Something you’ll notice right away is
that you know something is more sinister going on in the background since you
know Wyatt killed a boyband, well if he’s capable of doing that, you know Fiona
can do something worse although it is hard to see throughout all the product
placement, especially when it comes to her plan to you guessed it take over the
world. (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before
cutting to the clip of Fiona telling her diabolical scheme to put subliminal
messages into songs before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA: Subliminal messages hidden in the music in order to
boost the economy and Our Government is in support of it. Did this come out
before or after our current President became President? (A bloodied internal
organ lands next to James) Huh, I forgot the ceiling. (Turns to the right.) Hey
guys I think I found someone’s liver. (Cut to the movie as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And apparently it works as their
detractors are now their biggest fans and…(Cut to the detractors turned fans
being shot with a wide angle fish eye lens close up before cutting to James
shouting “badaboomba!” then back to the movie)
TLOTA (Voiceover): I know that we haven’t seen the wide
angle close up for a while but if there’s a petition to ban that type of shot
from ever being used again, I’m signing it and I suggest you do too! Anyway
Valerie is starting to suggest something isn’t Kosher at the label. Which
forces Fiona to well… I can’t believe I’m saying this… Hire Carson Daily &
Aries Spears to kill Valerie and Melody on a fake TRL set! (Cut to James
mouthing “Excuse Me For One Moment”, getting up and walking into the office’s
bathroom and screams a blood curdling scream and walking back to his office
quarters oblivious to the fact Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines are behind him
before cutting to the movie and James continuing his voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So after nearly getting killed by Carson
Daily & Aries Spears, Good Fricking night that thought is never gonna leave
me, Valerie & Melody try to inform Josie but it appears Josie has fallen
under the hypnotism of the Subliminal Messages and tells Valerie to take a hike
and Melody to be taken advantage of by a Sharknado (Rim shot). But eventually
Josie discovers the hidden messages and after remembering that she told her
friends to beat it Josie asks… (Cut to James physically with Eliza and Traci
behind him)
TLOTA: How did Eugene Levy who pointlessly has a cameo in
this movie put it when he was co-starring in “Splash”? (Cut to Clip of Eugene
Levy from “Splash” saying “The Moron Twins” before cutting to the movie and
James continuing his voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s the phrase! Josie asks those two
to help who turns out to be as helpful in getting evidence as well as some execs
on set saying to the director to cut back on the product placement. (Cut to a
group of execs and a director played by James)
Exec 1 (Played by John Santos): I have to ask if all these
Product Placement are necessary. (Cut to an “Lindsay Nagle” exec played by
Rebecca Fonseca popping in from nowhere to block James from talking)
“L.N.” Exec: It’s necessary it will help with cross
promotion with the movie we can maximize profit from the products placed in
this movie and make enough to cover our losses because we will do minimal
promotion which should be minimal because of cross promotion. (Cut to the group
of Execs)
Exec 2 (Played by Renee Miller): Didn’t we fire you? (Cut to
“L.N.” exec)
“L.N.” Exec: This is my last job here my next job will be
with Disney and its latest acquirement “Power Rangers” with my memos “Power
Rangers” will be so amazing! (Cut to the Group of Execs)
Exec 3 (Played by Eric Neil Kurtzke): I need a drink.
“Group of Execs” (In Unison): I second that ( The Group of
execs exit as the “L.N.” exec continues to talk to the execs who just left as
we cut to James’ Director character wakes up and says “What just happened”
before cutting to James physically with Eliza and Traci behind him)
TLOTA: But wait you say to yourself “What about Alan M.?
Can’t he help?” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Well he would be helpful if A) Wyatt
didn’t lie to Josie about a club gig Alan M. had and B) Alan M. wasn’t licking
his wounds from not seeing Josie come to his gig at the club. So having no
choice Josie has to do Fiona’s dirty work or watch as Valerie & Melody be
obliterated by going head first in a car I don’t think would be used by Vin
Diesel in a “Fast & Furious” movie into a Brick wall at 88 MPH when from
out of nowhere… (Show clip of DuJour heavily encased in casts and beaten before
cutting to James physically with Eliza and Traci behind him slowly backing out
of frame and James stammering, taking off his glasses, moving his chair out of
the way to bang his head on the wall behind him five times before coming back
and screaming “HOW?!” before cutting back to the movie and James doing a
voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): SERIOUSLY HOW DID THEY SURVIVE?! Okay it
is explained that they were able to survive the crash only to land outside of a
Metallica concert in which they were beaten mercilessly by their fans which is
something I would do myself if that ever happened. But apparently one of them
knew the lines to “Enter Sandman” which gave that one a less brutal beating.
But thankfully their attempts to fight Fiona and Wyatt are less than successful.
But thankfully our heroines are a little more successful as they beat Fiona and
Wyatt as the two confess their love for each other for some reason and reveal
that everything about themselves are fake for some reason. Oh and to save face
our government’s Federal Agents decide to arrest Fiona & Wyatt for their
underhanded misdoings. (The fast paced subliminal message about the movie
passes by as the scene cuts to James chuckling with Eliza & Traci behind
him)
TLOTA: What’s the phrase I’m looking for, I know it, and
it’s on the tip of my tongue… It’s…It’s… (Cut to Clip of “Superman Returns” in
which Lex Luthor played by Kevin Spacey shouting “WRONG” before cutting to Traci
& Eliza getting scared off and James sitting there.)
TLOTA: That’s the word I was looking for.
TLOTA (Angry as all get out): WRONG! THIS IS WHAT YOU
SHOULD’VE PUT OUT THERE AS YOUR MESSAGE! (Cut to the still as James does a
voiceover and plasters his message on the still shot)
TLOTA (Voiceover): “If you’ve made it this far, the money
and time you wasted watching this movie are long gone! As of this moment you will
not be refunded for a single loss. You’re stuck here until the end credits! You
are officially screwed!” (Cut to the end of the movie as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): But wait it doesn’t end there, why?
Because there a concert for Josie and The Pussycats instead of facing federal
prison time in The Sullivan Correctional Facility in Fallsburg New York and Yes
there is a moral that Josie tries to force feed into the audience that there is
no way in HELL it’s gonna make any kind of impact at all! In fact I’m certain
that the producers didn’t have a place for it in the entire runtime until the
end because they knew that people wouldn’t make the effort to go and see this
and as they play guess who makes it to their concert even though Josie made NO
EFFORT TO COME TO HIS GIG AT THE CLUB! (Cut to Alan M. making it onto the stage
and Josie and Alan M. profess their love for one another and the concert goes
off with everyone enjoying themselves)
TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s right Alan M. screw the fact she
didn’t come to your show, screw the fact she left you feeling sorry for
yourself because you had to deal with the female who shared a name with a
prosecutor who worked for the 16th Precinct’s Special Victims Unit in
Manhattan, New York that could’ve easily filed a restraining order on the woman
who wants to jump your bones because she wants to make Josie feel as miserable
as possible, screw the anger you SHOULD be feeling right now. You made it to
your girl’s concert and now everything is hunky-dory! (Chuckles for two seconds
before he gets indignant on Alan M.) YOU ARE AN IDIOT FOR NOT SPEWING ANGER FOR
WHAT THAT PUSSYCAT DID TO YOU. WHICH IF YOU WANT I’LL SHOW YOU THROUGH THIS
CLIP FROM “FULL HOUSE” (Cut to a clip of Danny Tanner from “Full House” saying “She
ripped your heart out, threw it onto the ground and did the Mexican Hat dance
on it!” and acting it out as he says it before cutting to the end of the
concert and the movie then cutting to James physically with Eliza & Traci
behind him)
TLOTA: So that was “Josie & The Pussycats”….DO I EVEN
NEED TO SAY HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE SUCKED! (Cut to clips of the movie while “Three
Small Words” play in the background.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): All I can say at this point is YOWZA! How
could something this horrible be produced?! The plot could’ve give the live
action “Scooby Doo” movies a run for its money and with the exception of Parker
Posey & Rosario Dawson the acting was SO incredibly bad you question
whether or not Shia LaBeouf was the acting coach for the actors and need I say
again how aggravating the overabundance of the shameless product placement can
be especially since you’re supposed to know that in the grand scheme of things
you should be aware of. But maybe that was the point of the product placement.
Maybe there was something deeper about it than I realized. But again when
you’re wading through so much Cheese & Ham it’s kind of hard to think. So
maybe it deserves a second chance. But that’s for you to decide. Give it a
watch at your own risk. (Cut to James physically with Eliza & Traci behind
him)
TLOTA: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got two women who’ve
been behind me ever since I came back from screaming my head off in my office
bathroom to deal with. (Eliza and Traci look at one another.)
Eliza & Traci (In Unison): HOW DID HE KNOW?
TLOTA: These lenses aren’t just for seeing what’s in front
of me! (James jumps up from the table)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage):
Alright you two looney ladies, I don’t know what your end game is but I swear I
will stop you before then. (Cut to Eliza and Traci Rising up in front of him)
Eliza Dushku: So what are you planning on doing? Ask us
about how a doll got burned over and over again?
Traci Hines: Threaten to kill us because we don’t put the
bunny back in the box?
Eliza Dushku: Sell your soul to The Devil to become his
bounty hunter and send us to hell all the while screaming and laughing like a
madman?
Traci Hines: Threaten to take our faces….off? (Her right
hand does the motion of placing it over her face then pulling it off when she
says “faces…off?”)
Eliza Dushku: Go around town screaming “I’m A Vampire” over
and over again?
Traci Hines: Scream like a howler monkey while humping a
bed?
Eliza Dushku: Sing a silly song while trying to seduce us
while you’re drunk as a skunk?
Traci Hines: Rob a bunch of convenience stores and then
marry the officer taking your mugshots?
Eliza Dushku: Punch one of us while dressed in a bear suit?
Traci Hines: Sing “I’ve got a lovely bunch of Coconuts”
while being dragged away security? (Cut to James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): No,
I’m not that level of Nicolas Cage crazy…yet. I’m just gonna ask questions and
you’re gonna give me vague answers until I get to the next level of Nicolas
Cage Crazy. (Cut to Eliza and Traci)
Eliza Dushku: Oh well then ask your questions. (Cut to
James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage):
What’s going on around here?! (Cut to Eliza and Traci)
Traci Hines: They would know. (Cut to James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): Who
are they? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)
Eliza Dushku: They are them. (Cut to James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage):
Them are they? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)
Eliza & Traci (In Unison): They would know. (Cut to
James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage): They
know all? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)
Traci Hines: You can’t understand that not understanding is
part of understanding everything…
Eliza Dushku: And in the moment you understand nothing is
when you understand everything. Do you understand what we’re saying? (Cut to
James)
TLOTA (Sounding like a mix of himself and Nicolas Cage):
Your vague answers are taking me to the next level of Nicolas Cage Crazy. (Cut
to Eliza and Traci)
Eliza Dushku: Well I think we’ve done our job for this
month.
Traci Hines: See you in Next Month. (Eliza and Traci walk
around James and the two leave as James sighs and sits back down)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and….Next Month?
(James runs out of his office quarters and over to the Calendar in the main
lobby to see that the next month is October. James takes a deep breath and then
the scene cuts to Eliza and slightly to her right at least five steps is Traci
as they hear the loudest muted “NO!” they ever heard.)
A Voice (Off-screen played by Elisa Hansen-Schuler): Is he
ready?
Eliza Dushku: By this time next month, he’s all yours.
Traci Hines: So what do you have planned for him? (Camera
Pans slightly to the right as we see the Maven Of The Eventide under an
Umbrella with Paw holding it and Baby Grey.)
Maven Of The Eventide: Don’t worry, he is finally going to
pay for his sins! (Everyone smiles an evil smile)
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