Tuesday, October 13, 2015

"Breaking" The Curse of "The Twilight Saga"

(Scene starts on a still image of Hell as groans of pain and despair are heard as is demonic bells and demonic chants and subtitled on the still is “The Opposite of Heaven” for one second before cutting to see the backside of the Prince Of Darkness himself dressed like the demonic smooth pimp daddy himself played by Paulo Fonseca as he turns to his minion played by Paul “Paw” Schuler to whom we only see his mouth and the rest of him is enrobed in a black mask and cloak turn on a device to signal all of the televisions so all who are damned and willing servants in hell of Lucifer are watching.)

The Minion (Sounding raspy): Minions of hell and all who are damned and doomed our time on the surface world comes near and to help in our mission I give to you the one whom we serve for all time! I give you, Lucifer! (The Minion walks off screen and Lucifer takes his place on screen)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): My trembling subjects! (Cut to all of the damned, the doomed and willing servants of hell played in different ways by Traci Hines in multiple costumes looking at the monitors)

Lucifer (off screen, sounding deep and bass baritone): The time of my greatest creation’s time as ruler of the free world will be at its end by this time next year! (Cut to Lucifer onscreen)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): But it makes no never mind to me, for this year will be the biggest year of recruitment of those who are young and innocent to our side and to lead you into glory on this campaign in the human world will be my daughter….Evileena! (Coughs) I said “To lead you into glory on this campaign in the human world will be my daughter…Evileena!” What in the name that is dark and unholy that isn’t me is going on?! (Lucifer grumbles as he gets up and looks around his room as the scene cuts to the damned, the doomed and willing servants of hell look at each other and wonder what’s causing this mess when Lucifer says off screen “A minor problem has arose.” Before cutting to Lucifer on the monitor)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Be right back! (Static interrupts the feed as the scene cuts to Lucifer going into Evileena’s room.)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Evileena?! Evileena, My Sweet little creation of Chaos and Destruction where are you? (A little girl played by Eliza Dushku cries in the corner as the camera cuts to a first person perspective and Lucifer comes to her)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Sweetie, what’s so wrong?

Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): Daddy, I did a bad thing a long time ago.

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): You didn’t bring about world peace now did you?

Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): No I did something way worse than that, remember the vault of bad ideas even you don’t like.

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Yes? Why? (Cut to a kitchen in which a female played by Rebecca Yaun tries to use a meat mallet to cut open an apple when her phone goes off and she answers it.)

Kourtney Kardashian (Played by Rebecca Yaun): Like Hello, Kourtney Kardashian. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)


Kourtney Kardashian: Like chillax! It was a while ago and she like needed an idea for a book series so I let her in and she found it and turned it into a goldmine! (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)


Kourtney Kardashian: Well, Hollywood made five movies from them after Summit Pictures got the rights to make the movies. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): FIVE MOVIES? BUT HOW? I ONLY HAD ENOUGH DARK ENERGY FOR FOUR BOOKS! HOW WERE THEY ABLE TO DO FIVE MOVIES?! (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: Summit Pictures broke the last book into two parts of a movie. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room groaning before cutting back to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: Then they really promoted the living daylights out of all of the movies. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room groaning before cutting back to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: And made enough money to turn Summit into a legitimate Production Company… (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room groaning before cutting back to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: …and Stephanie enough cash that she can swim in it!

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): YOU WHORE OF NO VIRTUE! (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian listening to Lucifer)


Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): And heaven help you if you haven’t been able to keep your hands on the Master Copies of the movies. (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: Well I sold them on E-Bay. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)

Lucifer (High pitched): WHAT?! (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: I sold it them to someone to torture someone who pissed them off. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): CERBERUS’ NINE BALLS THEY’RE OUT IN THE HUMAN WORLD?! (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian listening to Lucifer)

Lucifer (off screen, sounding deep and bass baritone): Heaven help the person who will be tormented by them because I can’t do a thing for them. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): You better hope to whatever other deity you believe in that they’re found so I can send them, the books and Stephanie straight to hell myself! (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: Like chillax, they’re being used for the right purpose. (Kourtney gives her usual wicked smile as the scene cuts to James Faraci jumping onto his main lobby’s couch with his bowl of Quaker Oats Oatmeal Squares cereal to cut to the Calendar to see it’s October then cut to James as he sighs)

TLOTA: Well better get this over with. (James grabs the Remote for the TV and is nanoseconds away from turning it on before he sighs again and then turns to the Audience.)

TLOTA: You know what’s funny? I’m actually getting used to “The Maven Of The Eventide” coming and disrupting my October activities. In fact, I dare say she’s starting becoming a part of my October activities, and you know what, I hope she does something more creative like say come up from behind me… (Camera cuts back to see The Maven Of The Eventide”, Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun rise up behind James) And probably say something like…

TLOTA (While the pantomiming of “The Maven Of The Eventide” is being voiced by “Maven”): Hello James, it is time for you to pay for liking The Twilight Saga Once And For All!

TLOTA (Normal): To which my response would be “Hello Maven, I’d love to a crossover, a review or whatever it is you want me to review with you but I’ve got plans.”

Maven Of The Eventide (Behind James): Oh what would that be? Eating your despair away.

Paulo Fonseca: Actually I think he’d be more or less inclined to just sit there & just feel sorry for himself.

Rebecca Yaun: While faking a smile to Trick or Treaters as he hands out candy and other goodies on Halloween.

TLOTA: Ho Kay I wouldn’t believe Paulo and or Rebecca would turn on me nor would The Maven be saying that unless…. (Cut to James turning and being surprised by The Maven Of The Eventide being accompanied by Paulo Fonseca and Rebecca Yaun before cutting to James looking at the three.)

TLOTA: Maven! Paulo! Rebecca! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE IS GOING ON?! (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca and Maven)

Rebecca: Oh you know what you have to review to get rid of her. (Cut to James’ face pondering what Rebecca is talking about.)

Paulo (Audio only): The one movie you know you cannot avoid. (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca and Maven)

Maven Of The Eventide: The one that haunts your very existence! (Cut to James’ face pondering before cutting back to Paulo, Rebecca and Maven)

Maven Of The Eventide: The Twilight Saga… (Cut to James)

TLOTA: NO! (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca and Maven)

Maven Of The Eventide: Breaking Dawn… (Cut to James)

TLOTA: NO! (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca and Maven)

Maven Of The Eventide: Part Two! (Cut to James)




Paw (Audio only): Well perhaps we can motivate you.

TLOTA: We? (James turns as the camera becomes first perspective to see Eliza Dushku to the right of “Paw” & Traci Hines to the left of “Paw” and they’ve got baseball bats before cutting to James looking at the three)

TLOTA: PAW! ELIZA? TRACI? (Cut to Traci right handedly and Eliza left handedly pimp smacking James with their baseball bats causing him to fly over the couch and his head hitting the back of the couch)

Eliza Dushku (audio only): Batter up! Bitch boy! (Cut to James arms being stretched as he is tied up to the back of the couch and his legs being held open by Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun and The Maven Of The Eventide, Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines surround James’ head)

Maven, Eliza & Traci (In Unison): Review “The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two”!

TLOTA: NEVER! (Maven gives a look to Paw which signals him to use the baseball bat onto James’ nards in which he does and James screams in agony before cutting back to Maven, Eliza and Traci!)

Maven, Eliza & Traci (In Unison): Review “The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two”! (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding slightly higher in pitch): NEVER! (Maven gives which Paw the signal to use the baseball bat onto James’ nards again in which James screams in a slightly higher pitched agony as the three laugh in sadistic joy before cutting back to James!)

TLOTA (Now sounding like one of the Chipmunks): I’LL SEE YOU THREE IN HELL YOU STEAMPUNK PSYCHOPATHS! (Paw uses the baseball bat onto James’ nards one more time in which James screams in an even higher pitched agony!)

TLOTA (Now sounding like Fred Figglehorn): D’OH! YOU DEMONIC DAUGHTERS OF DRACULA! TELL THE REST OF YOUR VAMPIRIC VIXEN GUILD THEY CAN SUCK SOMETHING BESIDES MY BLOOD! (Maven gives a look to Paw which signals him to grab a cauldron as scene cuts to James’ face coughing out phlegm)

TLOTA (Sounding normal): WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (Cut to Paw lifting the cauldron)

TLOTA (Audio only): WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! OH GOD NO NOT THAT! NOT THAT! (Cut to James shaking his head in fear)

TLOTA: ANYTHING BUT THAT! (Cut to Paw carrying the cauldron over)

TLOTA (Audio only): OH GOD NO! GOD NO! NO! NO! (Paw dumps a trillion requests to review “The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two” on James as he shakes his head)

TLOTA (Screaming while shaking his head): N-N-NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE REQUESTS! NOT THE REQUESTS! OH GOD THEY’RE ALL OVER ME! (James screams in agony and shake his head as The Maven, Eliza & Traci smile in demented glee)

TLOTA (Screaming while shaking his head): OH THEY’RE IN MY FACE! OH THEY’RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! I’VE SEEN SO MANY REQUESTS FROM MY INBOXES THAT THEY’RE FREAKIN ENGRAINED IN MY EYES! (James continues to shake his head and scream in agony as “Maven”, Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines smile in demented glee before cutting to James’ face)

TLOTA: ALL RIGHT! I SUBMIT! I SUBMIT!  I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO IT! (The requests dissipate)

TLOTA (Exhausted): I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll review “The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two”! (James screams and cries as the door squeaks open and the camera pulls up to see John & Mike Santos, Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke enter through the front door)

Eric: Uh Hi! What’s going on? (Cut to Maven, Paw, Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun, Traci Hines & Eliza Dushku)

Paulo: Well… We’re uh….

Rebecca: That is uh… (Cut to John, Mike, Renee & Eric)

John: I’m gonna take a guess. You four convinced Paulo & Rebecca to try to force James to review something he doesn’t want to. (Cut to Maven, Paw, Paulo & Rebecca, Traci & Eliza nodding yes before cutting back to John & Mike, Renee & Eric)

Mike: And you guys did torture that even The Geneva Convention would think isn’t kosher. (Cut to Maven, Paw, Paulo & Rebecca, Traci & Eliza nodding yes before cutting back to John & Mike, Renee & Eric)

Renee: Well, seeing as how you did what you did to get James to do your bidding, there’s only one thing to do to make things square. (Cut to Maven, Paw, Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca, Traci Hines & Eliza Dushku)

Traci Hines: What are you four going to do? (Cut to John, Mike, Renee & Eric with a bit of wickedness in their smiles)

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Yaun, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun, Paw, Traci Hines & Eliza Dushku tied down to the couch while John & Mike Santos, Renee Miller & Eric Kurtzke are armed with long range rifles and handguns )

Traci Hines: Why are you doing this?

Eric Kurtzke: Punishment for torturing our Friend and colleague until the Review is over you four are stuck under our armed guard.

Eliza Dushku (Stands up while still tied up): Did any of you guys ever see “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” & “Angel”? You know I was “Faith”, right? Well if you loosen my bonds, I’ll make it worth it for at least three of you maybe all four of you. (John, Mike, Eric & Renee giggle and blush a bit before Renee places her handgun on Eliza’s privates)

Renee: Try that again and I’ll shoot you there so many times, you’ll have bullets coming out of ya when it’s that time of the month from now until Menopause! GOT IT?! (Eliza smiles and says “GOTCHA!” and sits right back down.)

Paw: You guys do know me and the Maven do have a child we’ve got to take care of.

Mike Santos: Not to worry, until the review is over we have two highly qualified babysitters. (Cut to Baby Grey sitting smiling in a highchair in James’ office kitchen as James’ nieces Madison & Mallory try to feed him)

Mallory: Eat your food bubbies, eat your food.  (Baby Grey babbles and laughs as he throws the food onto Mallory & Madison who is sniffing around.)

Madison: Mallory, do you smell that? (Mallory sniffs around)

Mallory: ORAC? Where is that stink coming from?

ORAC (Audio only): The smell is coming from Grey’s Diapers.

Mallory: Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who will change him?

Madison: Seriously? (Madison & Mallory pop their heads out the doorway and call for their mom before cutting to everyone save for Madison & Mallory, The Maven & James out on the couch in the Lobby)

Traci Hines: I need to… you know, use the bathroom.

John Santos: Renee, loosen her knots and keep her in front of you.

Renee Miller: All right and any funny business and you’re gonna get it! (Renee holds Traci Hines at gunpoint as the two walk to the bathroom)

Rebecca Yaun: You know who I really feel sorry for?

Paulo Fonseca: Who? (Cut to James who is pacing back and forth and The Maven Of The Eventide in the office chair to James’ right in James’ office as The Maven Of The Eventide’s opening music)

Maven Of The Eventide (Sounding like a female Bela Lugosi): Good evening. I… (Needle Scratches as James stops)

TLOTA (Audio only): OH SHUT UP YOU… (James sits down next to the Maven Of The Eventide)

TLOTA: KRISTEN WIIG COSPLAYING AS STEVIE NICKS WANNABE! I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS AND THE VIEWS THAT I’M ABOUT TO EXPRESS ARE THAT OF MY OWN AND SOME OF YOURS! LET’S DO THIS! (Cut to the Opening Credit Scene of “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part Two” then cut to clips of the movie as James and The Maven Of The Eventide do a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yes folks, I’m finally giving in to requests and I am going to review what maybe the bottom of the barrel of The Twilight Saga.

Maven (Voiceover): As if the Barrel had a top or a Paramount to begin with. (Cut to James & The Maven Physically)

TLOTA: You know something, working my last nerve is not gonna work out well for you so now would be a good time for you to SHUT UP! But for those who missed out of my first run on myspace allow me to give you a brief recap of what I think of the other “Twilight Saga” movies. (Cut to clips of the first “Twilight Saga” movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The first movie was for me surprisingly entertaining. That’s right I actually thought the first movie wasn’t that bad though trust me a lot of it didn’t come from the acting or the characters or the story, for me it was the atmosphere of it, there was a very stylized darkness to it which lent itself to the movie but that some unexpected side effects when I saw it in theaters. (Cut to James sitting in the theaters hearing sexual orgasmic sounds while James tries to have some popcorn and watch the movie before cutting to James & The Maven)

The Maven Of The Eventide: Yeah right, I’m sure the people in the theaters were making Vampire Whoopee because of how Stylized the dark atmosphere was.

TLOTA: THEY WERE! Which led me to see the remainder of the franchise on DVD so I didn’t have to hear what I had heard when I sat through the first one. (Cut to clips of the remaining “Twilight Saga” movies until “Breaking Dawn Part Two” while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): “New Moon” & “Eclipse” while not bad wasn’t as decent as the first one. It felt less dark and more stylized and trust me when I say while they were trying to build on the foundation that the first “Twilight” movie had by expanding the mythos of the vampires, adding werewolves and all that they also made one of the main elements of the first movie suffer. The romance between Edward & Bella became convoluted by throwing Jacob into the mix and while yes the acting remained solid, everything started to feel stale.

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): If by solid you mean deader than a victim of a vampire.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Keep it up and you’ll get a stake in that place “you know where”.

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Grumpy!

TLOTA (Voiceover): SHUT UP! As I was saying, the reason the stories felt less entertaining was without the stylized darkness of the first one it just felt like rehashing the first one without anything new to add to it. So much so “Breaking Dawn Part One” was such a cluster that it felt like a lot of it was rushing to make the second part the best one. I mean it, they rushed through Edward & Bella getting married, having their whirlwind honeymoon and getting Bella knocked up just so after giving birth to their child she could be converted to being a vampire. (Cut to James & The Maven physically)

TLOTA: And I’ve delayed the inevitable for long enough, this is it, the one I’ve dreaded reviewing, here we go “Breaking Dawn Part Two”. (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven Of The Eventide do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the movie picks up after Bella played by Kristen Stewart having just converted from being a human being to being a vampire.

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Well at least she’s no longer hiding that she is a bloodsucking demon of the night!

TLOTA (Voiceover): You’re really into testing the remains of the fumes of my patience, aren’t ya? Anyway Edward played by Robert Pattinson decides instead of seeing the baby the two had in the last freaking movie, Edward instead decides to teach Bella how to control her thirst first. Why? So they can show some very well shot in depth images of the woods.

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): And to make sure Bella decides not to snack on her daughter.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Oh yeah that too silly me. But as she stalks her prey Bella sniffs a guy cutting his knee on a mountain and just as you think she’s gonna eat the guy, Edward steps in and I just like that smile on his face as if he’s thinking to himself “This woman is gonna be the death of me but I’m gonna enjoy the ride anyway” (Cut to the clip of Bella stalking her prey when she attacks the cougar instead of the deer before cutting to James and the Maven Physically)

TLOTA: Well how about that, Kristen Stewart is into cougars. (The Maven Backhand smacks James as the scene cuts back to the movie as The Maven Of The Eventide does a voiceover)

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): So after discovering one of her abilities is being able to control her thirst which is a bit of a surprise to Edward, they meet up with Jacob played by Taylor Lautner and Bella discovers something about Jacob she didn’t know when Bella was human.

Bella: Well, I can see what everyone's been talking about. Jake, you really do stink. (They all laugh as the scene cuts to James & The Maven physically)

TLOTA: So that is the resolution of that whole “Love Triangle” thing ?So where’s the story gonna go from here?

The Maven Of The Eventide: Well the focus shifts to Renesmee


The Maven Of The Eventide: Renesmee. (James looks at The Maven with a questioning look on his face)

The Maven Of The Eventide: Renesmee, The Baby that Edward and Bella had in the previous movie.

TLOTA: Renesmee? (Maven Nods her head to signal yes) Seriously the plot is now gonna focus on Renesmee? (Maven Nods her head to signal yes) Well maybe it can work, I mean who knows what’s gonna…. (Cut to the CGI baby then cut to James and The Maven smiling then turning into screams of absolute fear then cut to when Bella is holding the CGI Baby then cut to James & The Maven Screaming then to a still of the CGI Baby with its creepy smile zooming in as the screaming subsides then cuts to James & The Maven Of The Eventide sitting and shaking in fear and the two taking a deep breath and then continue to scream in fear as the camera zooms into James’ mouth into a black screen with green waves before the camera turns to discover Evileena listening in.)

Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): All right, I knew listening to Mr. Quesada’s work on “One More Day” would pay off eventually! (Evileena takes off the headphones as James & The Maven Of The Eventide’s screams resonate in her room as the scene cuts to Lucifer going over plans.)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): NO! Damn it! The Obama Plaza must be bigger remember, it’s not only him, it’s his ego, his wife & her ego, their kids and their egos, everyone and the people who voted for him and their egos and …

Evileena (off-screen, sounding sweet and young): Daddy! Daddy! (Evileena crashes and destroys the plans for the Obama Plaza)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Sweetheart, this better be important!

Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): I found them! I found the Master Copies!

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): That’s great! Where is it?

Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): Sullivan County New York

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Well who has it now?

(Evileena gives her father a smile that is wicked as the scene cuts to 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to James & Maven Screaming in absolute fear for three seconds before the two calm down and take a few relaxing breaths for two seconds)

TLOTA: What else can be said except, YOWZA!

Maven: YOWZA?! That’s all you can say is YOWZA?!

TLOTA: Well obviously that AND I can take comfort in knowing that CGI Nightmare is WAY creepier than of course THIS FREAKING CREEPY CGI nightmare! (Cut to the clip from “Son Of The Mask” in which Alvey sings “Hello My Baby” intercut with The Maven Of The Eventide looking disturbed and James having a look of bemusement until the clip ends in which the scene cuts to James & The Maven standing up)

Maven & TLOTA (In unison): Check Please! (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven Of The Eventide do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But the crazy creepy ca-ca continues to careen as Jacob subtly tells Bella that he imprinted on Renesmee! Bella handles it by wanting to give Jacob the Bob Barker treatment!

Maven (Voiceover): “The Bob Barker Treatment”? What are you talking….Oh now I get it! Yowza! Oh damn it now I’m saying it!

Jacob: Do you remember how much you wanted to be around me three days ago? That's gone now, right?

Bella: Long gone!

Jacob: Because it was her. From the beginning, it was Nessie who wanted me there.

Bella: Nessie? YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCK NESS MONSTER?! (Cut to James jumping back shouting Badaboombah! As The Maven looks at James with bemusement then anger.)

Maven Of The Eventide: Now what is it?

TLOTA: You didn’t see that?

Maven Of The Eventide: No, What was I supposed to see?

TLOTA: Of course you didn’t see it because of the bad delivery of that dialogue but slow it down, you’ll see it! (Cut to slowed down footage of Bella saying “You nicknamed my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster?!” when she says “Monster” an explosion in the film is seen and a demon’s face shouting “I’ll Swallow Your Soul” repeatedly is imposed on Kirsten Stewart’s face before cutting to The Maven Of The Eventide looking scared and James having the look of bemusement as he walks up and out then comes back one second later with a loaded Double Barrel 12 Gauge Shotgun then locks it up and aims it at the demon.)

TLOTA: SWALLOW THIS! (James fires the shotgun and kills the Demon as it goes groans in pain and dies before cutting back to James & The Maven)

Maven Of The Eventide: Not bad.

TLOTA: Thanks. (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): However just as things couldn’t get worse Charlie played by Billy Burke is concerned that Bella might not have survived so in order to save their own behinds The Cullen Clan decide to leave town until Charlie drops dead. Worried he might lose his imprinted love, which trust me I’d be calling the 16th precinct’s Special Victims Unit so fast Jacob wouldn’t have time to wolf out before they locked him up, Jacob tells Charlie that Bella survived and then turns into a werewolf in front of Charlie. (Cut to James & The Maven Physically)

TLOTA: WHY?! Wouldn’t that cause Charlie to question everything? Wouldn’t that make Charlie wonder who his daughter actually married and wouldn’t that make… nothing of consequence happens doesn’t it?

Maven Of The Eventide: Nope! As a matter of fact… (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven do voiceovers)

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Jacob actually suggests Charlie go to Bella and in possibly the most accidentally funniest moment in the entire franchise the Cullens actually teach Bella to act human.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Seriously? The Blood sucking creatures of the night are going to try to give acting lessons to Kristen Stewart?! Excuse me for a moment. (Audio of James walking, closing the door and proceeds to laugh so hard a wet excrement sound is heard then some cloths being swooped, a door being opened and James sitting down.)

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Feel better?

TLOTA (Voiceover): As a matter of fact yes and after Charlie meets the CGI abomination that’s supposed to be his “Granddaughter” everything seems to just be fine, not much happens except for worrying about Renesmee’s future because she was born half Vampire and half human, Renesmee seems to be growing at an extremely rapid pace so they decide to treat every day like it could be her last and enjoy every second they can with her. One day when Renesmee, Okay this is getting silly every time I say her name, I’m just calling her Ren and that’s it!  One day when Ren now being played by Mackenzie Foy, is out with Jacob & Bella to find snowflakes, Irina played by Maggie Grace discovers Ren and instead of waiting and meeting her in person she goes to the Volturi & their leader Aro played by Michael Sheen who I swear is enjoying eating the scenery with a side of Ham and Cheese with a smile on his face because he knows he’ll be putting this role near the bottom of his resume because just… Just watch this guy go into Nicolas Cage ham territory! (Show clips of Michael Sheen just hamming it up as Aro before cutting to James & The Maven Of The Eventide.)

Maven Of The Eventide: Well I think Michael Sheen took what was given to him... (James gives The Maven Of The Eventide a look as if to say to her “Are you serious?”)

Maven Of The Eventide: I’m just gonna be quiet before I dig myself even deeper. (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven do voiceovers)

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): After seeing what Irina saw, The Volturi decide to gather their forces should a conflict ensue. This give Alice a vision of what might be all because Edward & Bella had Ren. You know something you’re right, saying Ren is a lot less silly. But to understand why things might come to blows there were rules made that young kids cannot be converted because they cannot be controlled and anyone who did such a thing, well…. Let’s say it doesn’t wind up well for anyone who sired and was sired in the situation. (Show clip of Irina and her sisters watching as their mother is destroyed and the sired child gets mercilessly thrown into a fire before cutting to James who has a heavily disturbed look on his face & The Maven sitting next to him without surprise on her face.)

TLOTA: SWEET BUTTERY JESUS MOVIE! (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I knew somethings were gonna be insane but YOWZA! Even I couldn’t do that to a kid, even if they had become a vampire or werewolf or whatever! But as we the audience know Ren wasn’t sired she was born and grows daily so things may be different for her but to play it safe Alice played by Ashley Greene & Jasper played by Jackson Rathbone decide to head out to get evidence meanwhile, the rest of the Cullens gather their own forces in case a battle does breakout but mainly they’re just characters who can do incredible things but get little to no screen time I wonder if I’ll care what they will do after this battle is over, meanwhile Bella discovers that Alice left a clue for her in a copy of “The Merchant Of Venice” to meet a guy named J. Jenks in Seattle. She finds out that Alice had contacted him to get some papers and those papers just so happen to be passports for Jacob & Ren.

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Which just so happens to be a huge difference between what happens in the book and in the movie. (Cut to James & The Maven Of The Eventide physically)

TLOTA: My sister has the books, I know about the differences because she spoke about those books and trust me I know what the differences are. I was trying to focus it on the movie.

Maven Of The Eventide: Well Excuuuse me, Jackanape if I wanted to inform people in case they didn’t know that it wasn’t Alice that set up that stuff it was Bella who asked J. Jenks as a precautionary backup in case the proverbial kimchi hit the fan is that alright with you, ya vampire hating human? (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven do voiceovers)

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): And to keep Charlie safe Bella and Edward send him on a fishing expedition. So the day Alice foresaw has arrived with Dr. Carlisle Cullen played by Peter Facinelli and his clan on one side and on the other The Volturi & its leader Aro! Aro wants to see Ren and discovers she’s half human and half vampire and rather than take the chance and let her live, they decide they want to put the kibosh on her existence!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Are you serious? Hell even I know it’s a load straight out of Grey’s Diapers. But thankfully Alice and Jasper returns with a vision for Aro or something like that.

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Maybe it’s me but I’ve got an inkling of a feeling that you’re into Ashley Greene. Am I right?

TLOTA (Voiceover): WILL YOU PLEASE FOCUS ON THE JOB AT HAND?!  At any rate, Alice realizes she could show Aro a future in which Vampires decide They’re better off raising human beings for Cattle and Ren joining the Volturi to do that but it wouldn’t matter, Ren has to meet her end which makes Dr. Cullen make the ultimate sacrifice. (Show clip of Aro holding Dr. Cullen’s head as the rest of his clan watch in shock as the dispose of everything about Dr. Cullen which signals Bella to have Jacob run with Renesmee on her back and an epic battle commences and then we cut to James unable to hold back his happiness for the battle as The Maven Of The Eventide tries to show James what actually happens in the book, James throws it out of frame as he is excited to see the brawl when it ends with Aro standing and cutting to James looking at the fact he’s still alive and none of the characters went to war with a look of extremely intense anger on his face which then cuts to the Couch where Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca, Traci Hines, Eliza Dushku & Paw are still tied up but Paw has gotten his eyes crossed and there’s a joy on his face)

Paw: Oooh! Oooh! Oh HELL YES I can feel it, Oh wow! YOWZA!

Traci Hines: Is he okay?

Eliza Dushku: I don’t have a clue about this. Hey you two know him better, do you know what in the name of all that is right in the world is wrong with that guy?

Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun (In Unison): No Freaking Idea!

Paw (Sounding like Profion played by Jeremy Irons from “Dungeons & Dragons”): OH YES! OH WHAT A LOVELY RAGE, THERE IS SUCH RAGE COMING OUT OF THERE IT COULD FEED ME FOREVER, HO NELLY! WHAT RAGE! IT IS A WHOPPER! FEED ME YOUR RAGE, JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Paw does the hand and Hatch-tich-tich-tich-tich of Profion from “Dungeons & Dragons” as the others move slightly to the right as Paw continues to the Hatch-tich-tich-tich-tich before cutting to James and the Maven of The Eventide in his office quarters and James still looks angry.)

TLOTA: So all that buildup from the past four movies and nearly one and a half hours of this one and it was just all of Alice’s vision?! (James snorts in and out for five seconds before giving an deep snort in and he has his fists raised which lets The Maven of The Eventide know to get out of dodge before James explodes) No!

Maven Of The Eventide: No? Just what do you mean by no?

TLOTA: I will not get so angry that I blow my studio out of existence. I will instead channel that anger into taking it out on all the Characters who are there and I know just exactly how to deal with this. (James grabs a detonator off panel and turns it on before cutting to the Rowdy Reviewer)

Rowdy Reviewer: I just wish I could do something to get out the rest of my rage towards this…. (A loud off screen explosion is heard as Rowdy turns to the left and then turns to the right)  JEANNIE! GET ME INTO BATTLE GEAR AND BLINK ME TO FORKS WASHINGTON! (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello I’m The Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to… (A loud off screen explosion is heard as The Nostalgia Critic turns to the left and then turns to the right) MALCOLM! TAMARA! GET THE GENERAL! (Cut to Spoony)

Spoony: Here’s an idea creators of Final Fantasy, let me come up with the ideas for these games from now on! (A loud off screen explosion is heard as Linkara turns to the left and then turns to the camera) Excuse me everyone, Duty calls! (Spoony grabs a military helmet then runs out before cutting to The Blockbuster Buster hearing the explosion before teleporting out of picture before cutting to Linkara)

Linkara: Hello and welcome to “Atop The Fourth Wall” where bad comics… (A loud off screen explosion is heard as Linkara turns to the left and then turns to the right) Nimue, it’s time! (Linkara dissolve teleports before cutting to Forks, Washington as a tremor that registers a 3.5 on the Richter Scale is felt by all the Vampires and Werewolves in that snowy mountainside as Aro looks and points to Dr. Cullen’s right as an echo of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans shouting “OKAY EVERYBODY, LET’S WIPE THEM OUT!” as the music from the start of the final brawl from “Blazing Saddles” is heard as a flood of angry Internet reviewers including James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, Angry Joe, Spoony, The Irate Gamer, The Angry Video Game Nerd and Mother Fucker Mike, The Nostalgia Kid, Chris T. Ian and so many others from Channel Awesome, Cinemassacre & The Reviewerverse run to and outnumber all of the vampires and werewolves fifty to one as one of the Cullens’ witnesses gets kicked in the nards so hard he gets split in half by Chris T. Ian and The Nostalgia Kid tosses a Molotov Cocktail onto the remains)

Chris T. Ian: FORGIVE ME LORD! (Cut to a marching band of doom consisting of “Film Brain”, Todd In The Shadows, Jamietud, The Comic Book Critic, Bobcat Joe & many others as they play the music from “Blazing Saddles” for a few seconds before turning their musical instruments into flamethrowers! The music continues in the background as the battle rages before cutting to Dante Basco shouting “Honor” repeatedly and throwing fireballs that are killing Vampires and Werewolves before getting caught by Emmett Cullen in mid shout of “Honor” and chuckles)

Dante Basco: Bangarang? (Emmett tosses Dante Basco up and off screen & Dante Basco screams as he’s being flung out as The Nostalgia Critic shouts off screen “YOU SON OF A…” then comes on screen to shout out “BITCH!” as he tosses a lit Molotov Cocktail on Emmett Cullen then a scream and a thud from a distance is heard and in that same distance someone shouts “MY CABBAGES!” then cut to the continuing battle as James gets sucker punched by Rowdy and he apologizes for the sucker punch and the two dive head first into battle before cutting to Paw & The Maven and a few Vampires sing in harmony “Ja! Ja! Ja! Ja!” before cutting to an overview shot of the brawl before cutting back to see the backstage of the Time Warner Cable building on New York Rt. 52 in Sullivan County New York as “The French Mistake” is heard as the scene cuts into a studio in which a bunch of singers sing “The French Mistake” and do the well-choreographed dance routine, except at the end when one of the dancers falls over causing a chain reaction that causes all the other dancers to fall as well and the Director played by JonTron shouts “Alright, CUT!” off screen before walking into the frame.)

The Director: WRONG! It’s so simple! Can I get the audio playback? And… Watch Me Work It! (Sings and does the dance and lip synchs the song and lands in the water and says to himself “Damn!”)

The Director: HAVE YOU GOT THAT?! (All of the dancers say “Yes” with a bit of snide as they hiss the “S” part of the yes) Sounds like steam is escaping. PLAYBACK! WAIT UNTIL I’M OFF STAGE READY AND ACTION!  (The singers sing “The French Mistake” and do the well-choreographed dance routine, except for the fact the take is blown as James and everyone from the reviewerverse breaking in and continuing their brawl with the Vampires and Werewolves from “The Twilight Saga” and complete chaos erupts when the director yells “CUT!” then cutting to see Linkara and E-Rod about a split second from vaporizing a werewolf, James & Rowdy having just taken down yet another Vampire, Alex DeCourville and Marzgurl having two katana blades on Marcus from the Volturi, before cutting back to the director)

The Director: JUST WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE DOING HERE?! THIS IS A CLOSED SET! (Asalieri walks up to the director right handed fist ready to knock the director out until next millennium.)

Asalieri: PISS ON YOU! We’re with James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans!

The Director: Not in the face! (Asalieri gives the Director a swift kick in the cojones!)

The Director (High pitched): Thank You! (The director collapses before cutting to the Dancers and one played by Chris Colfer speaks up)

The Dancer: They’ve hit Jonny! Come on guys! Let’s show them what we’re made of! (“The French Mistake” instrumental plays in the background as the brawl continues before cutting to see a Vampire getting axed off and a dancer falling into the fountain pool as The Irate Gamer chuckles)

Dancer: Why you vulgar bugger! (Smacks The Irate Gamer on the top of the head with a cane.)

The Irate Gamer: Why you fruity little pansy! (The Irate Gamer punches the dancer into the tunnel and follows him in and out the other end.) I’m actually parked over by the Commissary. (Cut to the whole brawl for three seconds before seeing a dancer sissy punch Benzaie)

Dancer: You Brute! You Brute! You Brute! You Vicious, Vicious Brute! (The Dancer cries on Benzaie’s shoulder)

Benzaie: There, there! There, there! (Cut to Two of the dancers doing a synchronized swim in the pool while thudding punches are heard in the background for two seconds before cutting to the Brawl in which “The Wrestling Mark” is on top of a staircase and does a Superfly leap off the top of the Staircase before cutting to the inside of the commissary where a lot of actors in costume are dining. One being played by Jack Graves and the other being played by the man behind “Black Face Kermit”)

Actor (J.G.): So when’s your last day?

Actor (B.F.K.): They’re done with me after I shoot from the book depository. (The Brawl erupts into the commissary as everyone in there begins to brawl everywhere in the commissary then cut to Film Brain & Mike J clocking Dr. Cullen with two cricket bats down the commissary before hitting the cash register.)

The Cashier (Played by Obscurus Lupa): Yankee Bean soup with Habaneros, Sriracha Coleslaw & Ghost Pepper Tuna Surprise! (Cut to Bella & Edward getting out of dodge incognito before cutting to the front gate as everyone busts out running before cutting to Edward & Bella taking James’ Dad’s Truck tossing James’ dad out and James & Rowdy grab “The General Lee” and ride after Bella & Edward before cutting to the AMC Multiplex at the Galleria at the Crystal Run in Middletown N.Y. with two of the movies on the Marquee being “Angry Video Game Nerd” The Movie & “Atop The Fourth Wall” the movie as Bella played by Rachel Tietz & Edward played by Thorn Winter hides on line and gets to the Box Office.)

Edward: Two please, Uh Students?

The theater employee (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia): You’re kidding me right?

Bella: Just pay the extra.

Edward: Fine. Pains in my ass!  (Cut to the inside the movie theater where Edward and Bella accidentally pass through a few people down the aisle)

Bella & Edward (In unison): Sorry. (The Two sit and the scene cuts to the screen where James steps out of “The General Lee” then cutting to Bella & Edward trying to get out of the theater)

TLOTA (Off-screen): FREEZE IT! (Edward and Bella stop dead in their tracks as the scene cuts to James)

TLOTA: I am through playing Hippity hop at the Barbershop it’s time to end this in a fair fight. (Cut to Edward & Bella)

Bella: But you’re armed to the teeth and we’re packing fangs and well, the odds are slightly against you. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Uh When I said “Fair fight” I meant me and my buddy The Rowdy Reviewer axing Edward (Cut to Edward & Bella)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With our two lady friends eighty-sixing you Bella! (Traci Hines and Eliza Dushku jump down from out of nowhere, the both of them packing swords)

Bella: EDWARD! (Eliza and Traci decapitate Bella before cutting to Edward)

Edward: BELLA! (James and Rowdy sneak up behind Edward and decapitate him and Bella’s head wind up looking at Edward’s as their bodies collapse next to them before cutting to James, Rowdy, Traci & Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: Wow, we killed Edward & Bella from “Twilight”.

Rowdy: Well, this is a highlight in my life.

Traci Hines: So what do we do now?

TLOTA: We burn their bodies and then check out the rest of the review, I’ve got some strong stuff I can use to immolate them with. (James pulls out a bottle of Rum and everyone has a puzzled look on their faces) This belonged to a family member, I never drink this stuff, and I use it to ignite certain fires. Don’t ask. (James dumps the little remains of the Rum and Eliza strikes a match and tosses it onto the bodies causing a bonfire and the four walking away from the fire)

Eliza Dushku (Audio only): I hope something funny happens in the ending of it, I love a funny moment in a review. (The four walk away into the theater as the scene cuts to the four of them sitting in their seats in the theater before cutting back to James & The Maven Of The Eventide in James’ office quarters)

Maven Of The Eventide: Feel better?

TLOTA: Yep! Besides when I did research for Breaking Dawn they all talked it out and that’s how it ended in the book, but I guess the movie makers added in the battle for the poor schmoes who were forced by their girlfriends, wives, significant others to come along but I think after that twist this is what the tormented would’ve done… (Cut to a theater being ignited by a madman played by John Santos screaming “BURN BABY BURN!” and laughing maniacally for five seconds before cutting to the movie as James and The Maven Of The Eventide do voiceovers.)

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): But for those without Impulse Control Problems, Alice shows evidence of another Half Human/Half Vampire in existence and his diet consists of both Blood and Human Food and he turned his Aunt when he came of full maturity several years after being born. (Show images of other well-known half human/half vampires while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well it’s so obvious that things turn out alright for creatures like them now doesn’t it? (Cut to The movie while James & The Maven of The Eventide do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And just like that The Volturi decide “Eh it ain’t worth it” and everything ends with no consequences to anyone except the audience, but wait let’s add in a creepy moment between the foursome and a vision from Alice showing Ren, fully matured in several years & Jacob and Edward & Bella and the movie ends with Bella showing an expansion of her abilities and Bella telling Edward she has Forever to grow. (Cut to James and The Maven Of The Eventide in James’ office quarters)

TLOTA: And by the by, Forever is gonna be how long before I forget this movie ever existed! (Sighs) Look, I could go on a rant and scream about how bad it is but in the end, it wouldn’t do me or anyone else any good because quite honestly, that what this movie franchise wants.

The Maven Of The Eventide: Crazy human with the American Flag on his shirt say what? (Cut to Clips of the entire “Twilight Saga” while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yes, this movie and the ones that proceeded this one are not good by any stretch of the imagination. But if I were to get angry at what was meant to shine a light at not only teen romance tropes but also tropes about the absurdity of these fantasy creatures would be and act in the real world in this situation well then I’d be no different than the SJWs who decided “I hate “The Dukes Of Hazzard” even though I never saw an episode, all I know is that their car has a bad flag on it and the series has to go.” If you like it, I won’t hold it against you, if you don’t like it then that’s your prerogative. Me I’m Meh about the entire franchise and maybe that’s how you’re supposed to feel about this type of stupidity because everyone and their parents know this type of silly situation has been done better with the “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” TV Series and it has been handled FAR WORSE in other pieces of entertainment concerning this type of subject matter. (Cut to James & The Maven Of The Eventide in James’ office quarters)

TLOTA: However, if I had the Master copies of these movies, I would gladly do who hate these movies a favor and I would be the one to send them back to the depths of Hell in a hand basket myself just for them.

Maven Of The Eventide: Well speak of the devil’s name and he will appear. (The Maven Of The Eventide pulls from out of nowhere the Master Copies of “The Twilight Saga” movie franchise)

TLOTA: Purchased that off of EBay?

Maven Of The Eventide: Damn James, How did you know that?

TLOTA: To be honest, wild guess. But I shall relieve you of them. (James grabs the movies and cutting to an alleyway as James arms an RPG Launcher when a fireball comes up from the ground and Lucifer and Evileena appear from out of nowhere)

TLOTA: What the Funk & Wagnall’s is going on?

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Hi James, Just picking this up and returning it to where it and the idea of it came from back to where it belongs.


Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): Hi Mr. Jimmy I’m sorry for putting you through such unnecessary torment.

TLOTA: That’s okay kiddo, I’m certain the torment I’ll get when I go there will be justified.

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Listen, if you ever need me to do something for ya, you know the deal.

TLOTA: Forget about it. (Evileena and Lucifer leave in another fireball back to the depths from whence they came.)

TLOTA: Okay that was weird. Wait, the others! (Cut to Paw, Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun, Traci Hines & Eliza Dushku being released)

TLOTA: Let it never be said that I am not a man of my word.

Paw: Thanks. So are you and my wife even?

TLOTA: I think so.

The Maven Of The Eventide: Oh we’re square now.

TLOTA: Cool.

Eliza Dushku: Well you guys might be square or cool or whatever, for me the journey continues, Come Traci, we’ve got work to do. (Traci & Eliza head for the door before cutting to James & Everyone else)

TLOTA: Wait Eliza, what do you mean “the journey continues”? What in the world are you two talking about? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Eliza Dushku:  Don’t you understand James? This is part of the Curse of being a “Slayer”, I have to make people deal with both bad and good examples of cinema & television featuring Vampires and they must be known to all and exploited by all internet reviewers and someone has to do the job. That is where I come in. (Traci & Eliza walk out as the scene cuts to James and everyone else looking puzzled)

TLOTA: This whole thing makes no sense at all doesn’t it? (Everyone nods their heads as to say yes before cutting to the end credit and the “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” TV Series theme performed by Nerf Herder playing in the background of the copyright symbol & the words Chez Apocalypse with the year 2015 next to them then Written by Elisa Hanson & James Faraci credit then twitter accounts Twitter.com/ElisaInTime & Twitter.com/TLOTA are credited. Special Thanks to Paw Dugan, Team “TLOTA”, Chris Lee Moore, James Faraci, Phelan Porteous, Kyle Kallgren & everyone else. Extra special thanks to James’ sister for being an uber-“Twilight” fan, and the consultant on this review and enjoying her brother’s torment for freaking jollies. Cut to a still image of a dive bar and a bluesy guitar riff plays in the background before cutting to the inside of the bar in which Lindsay Ellis has a bottle of Jack Daniels in her right hand and is drinking it straight out the bottle until she falls off the stool, a bush of Red Hair is resting itself on the bar which happens to be Obscurus Lupa as the camera passes down the bar until it stops at Phelous and Oancitizen)

Phelous (Audio only as the camera starts to move down from Lindsay to Obscurus to Phelous and Oancitizen): Uh wrong again Kyle, the worst thing that happened to Vampires outside of “The Twilight Saga” is “The Vampire Diaries” on the CW

Oancitizen: Incorrect as usual Phelan, you philosophical philistine! The worst thing to happen to Vampires outside of “The Twilight Saga” just so happens to be “Moonlight” and why is that you ask. Simple, because they had a pre “Hawaii Five-O” Alex O’Loughlin and tried to fuse “The Twilight Saga”, “Moonlighting” & “Angel” in one fell series, need I say anything else?

Phelous: “The Vampire Diaries” had a character that they had no idea to do with but kept her around for a long time but at least this series is on the air for now!

Oancitizen: Well “Moonlight” bounced off the walls like a super bouncing ball as if they didn’t know which direction to take it but “Moonlight” was a victim of the Writer’s Guild strike however be that as it may. (A female coughs off screen as Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines walk towards Phelous & Oancitizen)

Eliza Dushku: Excuse me, me and my friend couldn’t help but overhear that the two of you dislike “The Twilight Saga”.

Phelous: A touch.

Oancitizen: An understatement of unfathomable proportions. 

Traci Hines: Well, we happen to be fans of your on line work. Perhaps you two could team up to review “The Twilight Saga” perhaps for the two of us?  (Phelous & Oancitzen giggle and chuckle at the two and can barely speak as Eliza and Traci have a smile that could light the night.)

TLOTA (Off-Screen): HOLD IT! (Ropes go around the waists of Traci & Eliza)

TLOTA (Off-Screen): GET OVER HERE! (Eliza and Traci scream in fear as they’re dragged off screen)

Oancitizen: Come on!

Phelous:  THE HELL? Ugh, American Cockblocker! (Oancitizen groans and proceeds to slam a shot of Bourbon down his throat and slam the shot glass onto the bar then cut to Eliza and Traci zooming to another part of the bar where James has an angered look on his face)

Traci & Eliza (In unison): How did you do that?

TLOTA: You two have your tricks, I’ve got mine. So listen up Double Trouble if you two think you can walk into my life, cause chaos and walk away thinking you two got away with it SCOTT-FREE! YOU ARE DEAD WRONG! YOU TWO ARE UNSTABLE, INSANE, EXPLOSIVE, CRAZY, DEMENTED, HURRICANES OF DESTRUCTION AND I’VE GOT TO SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU TWO FROM CAUSING MORE CHAOS! (Eliza and Traci smile then cut to Oancitzen & Phelous looking over to see what’s going on before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: You guys want to work for me? I can’t pay you but I’ll be a good reference on your resume and it’ll be good for you two to volunteer your free time.

Traci Hines: Sure thing, Sounds good.

Eliza Dushku: Why not? Sounds like fun. (The three shake hands as a Semi being run by a screaming Nicolas Cage runs over the three of them with a truck before cutting to Phelous & Oancitizen)

Phelous: Hey you freaking psychopathic maniac Nicolas Cage! Can’t you read? (Cut to a sign that says “No Trucks under 21”)

Phelous (Audio only): No Trucks under 21! (Cut to Phelous and Oancitzen)

Oancitizen: And I verbally and visually can confirm that truck you were in fact driving an automatic transmission, 8 valve Hemi Engine, Two thousand and Fifteen Dodge Ram. (Cut to the blooper reel which has the instrumental of “Combine Harvester” in the background)

Maven Of The Eventide: Good evening, I…

TLOTA (Off Screen): OH SHUT UP… (James falls out of his chair as The Maven giggles and James’ hand signaling for a cut before cutting to Rebecca with a rubber meat mallet in her hand which slips and lands on the table next to Baby Grey who picks it up and starts gumming on it as everyone laughs & Baby Grey chuckles with everyone before cutting to James being tied up)

TLOTA: Okay stretch my arms farther, guys it has to look like I’m being tortured like the prisoners at Gitmo!  

Paulo Fonseca (Off-screen): Well James, we also have to breathe. (Everyone chuckles at that before cutting to a side view of James shaking his head and screaming silently before he stops and a child’s laughter is heard which makes James smile and laugh himself)

John Santos (Off-screen): What is it?

TLOTA: Dude, put a camera on Grey as I do this again.

Paul Schuler (Off-Screen): Why?

TLOTA: Paw, Put a camera on your son as I shake my head, Seriously put the camera. (Cut to a clip of footage of Grey as James silently shouts his lines and Baby Grey is laughing and shaking himself before cutting to everyone watching the footage and they laugh as the camera is on Paul.)

Paul Schuler: Well just wait until he grows up! (Everyone laughs before cutting James, Eliza, Traci & Chris Lee Moore aka Rowdy outside a theater as James empties the bottle of Rum and proceeds to sing the Chorus of “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” from Boyz II Men and everyone else laughs and Eliza smacks James in the chest)

Rowdy: Trust me, I was about to do that myself. (Everyone laughs before cutting to the interior of the bar as Eliza and Traci walk and Phelous spills his drink on himself and everyone laughs before cutting to James making silly faces at The Maven Of The Eventide while they’re in his office quarters and laughter is heard everywhere before James signals for a cut)

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