"Assume" it is just about time to go back to school

(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone, as it opens a portal.) 

(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown, then slide away to different images of Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl, and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.) 

(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.) 

(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Entertainment Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.) 

(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.) 

(Cut to James in his office) 

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. It’s almost time to go back to school and hopefully get a real understanding about American History, but if all else fails, just trust... (James turns and points over his left shoulder as a picture of Robert Wuhl appears) Mr. Wuhl. (Cut to the title cards for “Assume The Position with Mr. Wuhl” and “Assume The Position 201 with Mr. Wuhl” then clips of both specials as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
“Assume The Position” and its sequel “Assume The Position 201” are American history lessons under the basis of humor with the phrase “The stories that made up America and the stories America made up.” But do both work in telling these lessons properly and tell these stories well? (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
Before we get into the specials, let’s discuss the man who is the center of the specials: Robert Wuhl. (Cut to images and clips of Robert Wuhl as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Robert Wuhl was born in 1951 and has quite a prestige, he was a part of the writing staff for the series “Police Squad” along with Tino Insana which eventually became the movie franchise known as “The Naked Gun,” he was in the music video of “Material Girl” for Madonna, appeared in the movie “Flashdance” in a brief role, he was in some pretty prestige movies including “Good Morning, Vietnam” with Robin Williams, “Bull Durham” with Kevin Costner, “Blaze” with Paul Newman, “Cobb” with Tommy Lee Jones, the host of the Oscars in the movie “The Bodyguard,” and his highest profile role as Alexander Knox in the 1989 Tim Burton Batman movie. On the small screen, he worked with HBO as the creator of and star of the hit series “Arliss.” He also has appeared on stage in multiple Off- and On-Broadway shows. He has always had a non-biased agenda in certain areas, and I also think he is just funny enough to be funny now while going after everything. If there is anything negative about him, I can’t find it. If anyone does, let me know in the comment section. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
So with that out of the way, let’s get ready to “Assume The Position” (Cut to “Assume The Position” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
The specials were filmed at NYU and had some really good commentators between the segments, including Sarah Vowell, David Cross, and Jeff Greenfield, to name a few. We open on the segment entitled “History Is Pop Culture.” We start off figuring out who or what is the first thought when it comes to Historical figures or Pop Culture figures. (Show the moments in which Robert Wuhl talks about the legends we came up with for Christopher Columbus and how Washington Irving came up with the legend of Christopher Columbus proving the world was round and that History is pop culture and how this led to a quote from a movie to be known for how it affects our history and our legends for the quote is “When The Legend Becomes Fact, Print the legend.”) [Beat] 

He then goes on to tell us that Paul Revere and his midnight ride and went nineteen miles, someone who else did a midnight ride to warn the fellow colonists and the man is named Israel Bissell saying while Paul Revere made it across the state and that Israel went from through several states on the same night. Except for the fact that people are starting to acknowledge Israel Bissell, the fact that everyone knows who Paul Revere because of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Henry wrote “The Legend Of Paul Revere” just at the point before the Civil War. Longfellow also wrote many other pieces including “Evangeline,” “The courtship of Miles Standish,” and “The Song of Hiawatha” and other pieces. Robert then asks us to think about the next Longfellow or Washington Irving and how to think what they will think. (Play the clip about what Robert thinks what the Longfellow and Washington Irving of the 22nd century will think about our pop culture figures.) [Beat] 

After the first few thoughts from the commentators, we come upon what Robert thinks is the biggest grammatical screw up in the first sentence in the constitution, even though it was more of a declaration of hope that we can do much better than we have. (Show the clip of Robert telling us about how grammatically incorrect “A More Perfect Union” is and who our founding fathers truly were in his opinion and then assumed the position of no such thing as a colonial quickie.) [Beat] 

We then come upon a highlight of the special called “As American As Apple Pie” which is itself is an anachronism because while yes there were Apples, the apples we know have been implanted thanks to Kazakhstan. This time he talks about actors and entertainers and people known in popular culture getting into politics, and how it’s not a new phenomenon. (Show the clip about how our first presidents were celebrities because they were war heroes which were George Washington {Who fought for the freedoms we now take for granted}, Andrew Jackson {Who fought in the war of 1812 and won the battle of New Orleans which happened after the war was over} and then Ulysses Simpson Grant {The country’s first functioning drunk president} then how in the 20th century celebrities changed and the people who went from entertainment to politics sans one big name and how Edwin Booth’s brother John Wilkes Booth put the kibosh on his brother’s ambitions. Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
Before I forget, this is a DVD rip, which means one moment that everyone thought was erased is back in older prints on DVD. That being said, let’s go! (Show the clip of Robert Wuhl leading the class in “We Will Rock You,” then proceeds to talk about how it’s a Gay battle cry and it is not the first one we knew about. The first one being “Yankee Doodle” as it says that we were so dumb that we would put a feather in our hats and think we were so sophisticated that we would enter a club called “Macaroni” and we wouldn’t look like The Three Stooges in Ye olden days and that battle cries like “We Will Rock You” and “Yankee Doodle” are as American as Apple pie. Cut to the rest of the special as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
After our second appearance of our commentators, we get to the next known moment of “I Shit You Not.” as he gives us some historical quickies such as how Man O’ War the racehorse legend lost one race to a horse named “Upset,” George Grant who in 1870 became the first African American Graduate of Harvard’s dental school and creates the first device to deal with Cleft-Palate Patients and then creates the best tool for every doctor on the fairway, The Golf Tee. The Guinness Book of World Records has a record of the most stolen book from libraries in its own publication. Alfred Nobel’s own desire to award peace came from the invention of dynamite, Edward Hyde (Not the Edward Hyde from the Robert Louis Stevenson “Jekyll and Hyde” book) who was Lord Cornbury and becomes the colonial governor of New York and New Jersey he also does a lot to unify the colonies and one other little quirk was that he dressed like Klinger in the early episodes of “MASH.” And our final educational moment talks about the Hundred Years’ War between Britain and France and how we got to flipping the bird. (Show the clip of Robert Wuhl talking about “Plucking The Yew” and how it transformed into “F--- YOU!” though the subtitles say that it was the French who had their middle fingers cut off, and the British taunts were correct. Robert Wuhl thanked everyone and dismissed the class. Cut to James physically.) 

TLOTA:
And that was the first one, and we won’t have to wait long to return to class with Mr. Wuhl as we go to “Assume The Position 201” (Cut to “Assume The Position 201” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
We open with assuming that History is “Based on a true story.” We then find Robert Wuhl talking about one party as two of the people who were running for the president at the time was a woman and a black person, and this was back in 2008, and believe it or not, it’s not the first time it has happened, it happened in 1872 and while the candidate was controversial at the time but not the first controversial candidate of Franklin Pierce who decides to run for the presidency but he needs a little help from someone who can make him look like the million dollar candidate. (Show the clip of Franklin Pierce and how he convinced his friend Nathaniel Hawthorne who wrote “The Scarlet Letter” and “The House of The Seven Gables” and how Franklin Pierce’s story is “Based On A True Story” and how we think of movies as being “Based On A True Story" and uses “A Beautiful Mind” as an example which omits the fact that the character of John Nash which includes him having a child out of wedlock and was a deadbeat dad to said child, that he made so many antisemitic comments that would’ve had Mel Gibson saying “Holy Fuck” and that John Nash was in a relationship with a guy. And since Hawthorne wrote the book on Pierce, he willingly omitted that Pierce was a pro-slavery raging alcoholic but paints the guy as the savior America needs. And James comments, “Sounds familiar.” Robert Wuhl says that because of the book he becomes the President “Based On A True Story.” However, Pierce sucks like a vacuum cleaner. Not only becoming an instigator of the Civil War, but also becoming the ONLY president to not get his own party’s nomination for a second term. Pierce’s reaction is to get drunk and have a vehicular accident.) [Beat] 

TLOTA (V.O.):
And after that we get told about how lousy leaders in this country are as American as Apple Pie. (Show clip of Robert Wuhl and how Aaron Burr tied and how Alexander Hamilton used his influence to get Thomas Jefferson elected and Aaron thanked Hamilton by shooting him dead and is arrested and charged four times for treason! He then talks about how William Henry Harrison, thirty days after being inaugurated, was dead! He then talks about John Tyler, who, after not getting reelected, switches from the Union to the Confederacy. He then talks about Millard Fillmore, who was so anti-immigration that he wanted to kick out the Irish Catholics that were already in the country. How Warren G. Harding lost the White House China in a game of poker and then to Calvin Coolidge who was in South Dakota for three months fishing as the country tries to recover from the overflow of the Mississippi River and how South Dakota have restocked the lake for fish to generate revenue for South Dakota because there is Bupkis in South Dakota and because of Cal they were able to create Mount Rushmore which was finished weeks before Pearl Harbor. And that's how George W isn’t a second-generation bad president, but thanks to his mother, born Barbara Pierce, who is the granddaughter of Franklin Pierce, George W Bush is a Fifth-Generation Bad President.) After the only in-episode appearance from the commentators, which also had Seth Rogen in the mix this time. We get “I Shit You Not!” (Show clips of Robert Wuhl talking about Ramses Condoms, based on the name, which is on the Pharaoh who fathered over 100 kids. How on the Titanic they served iceberg lettuce; how on April 9 of the year the special came out; how Hugh Hefner and his three women, as their ages would equal Hef’s own age at the time. How the croissant started off in Austria over their victory against the Ottoman Empire and how it went to France thanks to Marie Antoinette, how Pfizer discovered Viagra by accident. Show the clip of how Robert will defend Britney Spears because of Hedy Lamarr and how, while on a night at a club, she came up with a plan known as frequency hopping, which is the start of many technological advancements to this day, and how he thinks that Britney’s club hopping may have been because she had a cure for something.) [Beat] After that moment, we get one final segment which tells us who truly existed in our real world and how many weren’t. (Show “Real or Not Real” clip which leads to Robert Wuhl talking about who was real and not real in a rhyme speaking which talks about Marie Callender’s and her company’s pies and the show ends.) And that is how it ends as we get the commentators who talks about history and their favorite technological advancement. (Cuts to James physically) 

TLOTA:
So that was “Assume The Position with Mr. Wuhl” and “Assume The Position 201 with Mr. Wuhl.” And... yeah it was funny because it shows what our country was like and didn’t have to overexplain it. (Cut to clips of both “Assume The Position with Mr. Wuhl" and “Assume The Position 201 with Mr. Wuhl” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
As a whole, both specials show what our history can teach us through the power of humor. The moments that taught us feel like they did so without us knowing. The humor has a great punch even if the references in the specials are dated, and I liked the energy Robert Wuhl put in the performances. I also liked the feel of it being like a college course as taught by a man who loves history and makes it approachable through his own sense of humor. If you haven’t seen it, then I HIGHLY suggest you check out both on Physical Media or a DVD Rip on a streaming source. The only one I don’t recommend is the HBO Max because it edited so much of the first one that it feels like someone used an eraser and decided to clean it up for more people to watch.  Check it out and get a good laugh and a better understanding of our history. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion. (James walks out of frame and says “Ah, there’s no...Oh Crap!” fade to black.) 

American Icons: Alton Brown doing "Good" on the "BBQ"

 (Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone, as it opens a portal.)  

(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown, then slide away to different images of Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl, and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.)  

(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.)  

(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Entertainment Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.)  

(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James and everyone as they park just in time for a BBQ Competition in Upstate NY.) 

TLOTA:
Well, here we are! A competition for BBQ, and we are here in the heart of small-town America. And I need to ask: How many of you are ready to enjoy Barbeque? (The crowd cheers as the Guitar music like “American Idiot” plays as James walks around, comes up to a bunch of people, and they shout, “We’re celebrating American Icons!” Guitars play the tune for three seconds as James walks up to another group of people as they shout “Twelve months of heroes of Cinema!” Guitars play the tune for three seconds as James comes upon Myron Mixon, who says, “From John Wayne to Rocky Balboa.” Guitars play the tune for three seconds as James walks up to another group of people who shout and sing “Oh, hell yeah, we’re talking about them all!” Guitar music plays into the chorus as a group of people shout “Oh, hell yeah, we’re talking about them all!” The tune continues as it cuts to Lee Ann Whippen singing "Welcome to the two hundred and fiftieth, hoping we’ll see two fifty-one!” Cut to Aaron Franklin sings “And we can finally be Okay!” Cut to a group of people shouting and singing “Humans dream of a better tomorrow, knowing it won’t be hollow!” Cut to James as he comes upon his brother as he says, “For me that’s good enough!” Drums play, and the music continues as James walks up to a group of people who shout-sing “We’re going to show off the hard work!” Guitars play the tune for three seconds as James walks up to Tuffy Stone as he sings, speaking, “Even if it makes Myron Mixon look like a real jerk (Myron laughs off the comment) Guitars play the tune for three seconds as James finds another group singing and shouting, “Now everyone get ready to celebrate with us!” Guitars play the tune for three seconds as James comes upon Moe Cason as he sings, “And make sure you have a dose of common sense.” The tune continues as it cuts to Junior Urias singing "Welcome to the two hundred and fiftieth, hoping we’ll see two fifty-one!” Cut to Johnny Trigg singing, “And we can finally be Okay!” Cut to a group of people shout sing “Humans dream of a better tomorrow, knowing it won’t be hollow!” Cut to James as he finds a group of BBQ chefs as they sing “For me that’s good enough!” Drums play, and the music continues with a guitar solo as James and his team celebrate as they come upon different groups of people singing “All year we’re cheering American Icons!” “Twelve months of heroes of Cinema!” “Information about them will be a lot, you’re going to know whether you like or not” “Welcome to the two hundred and fiftieth.” "Hoping we’ll see two fifty-one!” “And we can finally be Okay!” “Humans dream of a better tomorrow, knowing it won’t be hollow!” “For me, that’s good enough!” Drums play, and the music continues and concludes, and everyone shouts out the words “American Icons”. The scene cuts to James as he pays for some BBQ) 

TLOTA:
Thanks. I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are those of my own and some of yours. And if you’re wondering why we’re here, it’s to celebrate the American Icon of Barbeque. And to celebrate Barbeque, we’re going to go to someone that I really like when it comes to barbecue, Alton Brown. (A scream off-screen from far away is heard and James gets a call) One moment. (James answers his phone) Hello? (The scene cuts to Nick Lopez as he is ducking objects being thrown at him.) 

Nick Lopez:
I don’t know what you just said, but Jessica just went off! (Cut to James) 

TLOTA:
I was naming the subject of the review “Good Eats” episodes about grilling and BBQ standards from Alton Brown (Cut to Nick Lopez as an ungodly wail is heard) 

Nick Lopez:
Jeez James, what is wrong with you? (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
After all this time, if you haven’t figured it out, you never will. (Cut to the “Good Eats” Opening card as clips of episodes appear as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA(V.O.):
And for all intents and purposes, Alton has been the reason why I cook better. He led me to enlightenment in the kitchen, and while many may not consider him or “Good Eats” cons of American Gastronomy and Entertainment, I say otherwise, and this time I am honoring the man and the show by honoring his time with the grill and the smoker. (Cut to James physically at the BBQ Competition) 

TLOTA:
We’re going to start off our look with... (James pulls up a few BBQ Ribs) Ribs, and while he does this differently than everyone here, I am going to try it in the classic procedures when it comes to ribs with this and the other way Alton does it, but we’ll talk about it when we get to that episode, but first we are going to talk about “A Rib For All Seasons.” or it also goes by for some odd reason “Pork Fiction.” (Cut to "Pork Fiction"/"A Rib for All Seasons" as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
We open with Alton reading “Animal Farm” to a drift of pigs as he informs us about the different parts of the pig and that all are “Good Eats.” However, the pork piece we’re talking about is ribs. We then see him at a BBQ event like the one we’re currently at, and he tries to get information on how to make great ribs. He comes back a little wiser when it comes to the rub on the ribs which I admit is a great rub that we will use when we cook our pork pieces sans the salt. While he makes his ribs braised, the ones we’ll be making will be different once they hit the smoker, but we’ll get into it later. I will admit that the braised ribs he made are great-tasting ribs. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
And now we’re going to grilling territory as... (Crosslyn Castillo joins James at his table) Crosslyn, what have you got on your plate? 

Crosslyn Castillo:
I have some smoked lamb. 

TLOTA:
Smoked Lamb? How about that? I am about to talk about lamb hitting the grill and getting smoked as we dive into “Grill Seekers.” (Cut to "Grill Seekers" as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
The episode opens as Alton talks about his neighbor who is using a Gas Grill as he tries to cook some lamb, and his neighbor turns his leg of lamb into a piece of carbon. We now move to Alton in the meat market as he tells us while he is good with a full leg of lamb for more than three people, this time, since he’s got less than that, he is going for a half leg of lamb and he then proceeds to take the bone out of the half lamb leg and a membrane called the fell in which it gets removed, we then get to the recipe for the leg of lamb which includes mustard, Kosher Salt and Pepper, brown sugar, and Mint. Kinda weird combination, but it’s his half leg of lamb. He does put the schmear on the meat and ties it down with the butcher’s twine. We then see him getting a grill, but not any ordinary grill; we’re talking about a charcoal grill, and there are definite advantages and rules in buying the grill we have to follow. (Cut to what to look for in a charcoal grill from Alton and his grill-store friend. Cut to the rest of the episode as James does a voiceover.) Alton then finds the right charcoal for the grill, and believe it or not, the stuff we usually use is apparently low-quality. The natural chunk charcoal that he has set up in a chimney starter has a checklist that includes incredibly clean, or rather not so clean, grill grates, and Alton’s assistant Paul is about to discover that just because there’s no fire doesn’t mean there isn’t any heat! (Show the clip of Paul grabbing the grill grates and screaming in pain, and James says, “Not exactly the brightest flame in the fire is he, Alton.” Cut to the rest of the episode as James does a voiceover.) Alton then uses some herbs, and not the one you’re thinking of; I’m talking about rosemary and thyme as they hit the charcoal. The episode ends with Alton giving us some fine grilled lamb that I would enjoy on the grill. (Cut to James, Crosslyn, Nick Lopez and a now calmed down Jessica Lopez-Barkl as they have some smoked salmon) 

TLOTA:
Ooh, Smoked Salmon, just in time for the next episode in the list, and this is the first time he’s talked about making a smoked item. Let’s check out the first time he's smoked any dish; this is “Where there’s smoke, there’s fish.” (Cut to the “Good Eats” episode “Where there’s smoke, there’s fish.” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
The episode opens with Alton on a boat with his wife, forcing him to be on vacation. As he goes fishing, Alton picks up a whopper of a salmon and as he sleeps off his amazing fishing trip, he now wonders what in the Samuel Langford Hell he is going to do with it, because he only had a hotplate and no pan or pot to cook it with, even trying to pay double what his wife did to bring him there but the manager there said “No Dice” and sure enough that’s when Alton decides to make himself a smoker but first, we have to cure our salmon with a simple rub of salt, brown sugar and cracked black pepper, simple and tasty on a salmon. We then see Alton as he begins to make his smoker, starting with wooden dowels and a cardboard box, a funky old cast iron pan, an oven rack, a battery-operated fan, a bag full of hardwood sawdust, and yes, it has to be hardwood; otherwise, the salmon will be inedible. He also grabs a piece of artwork that sent Homer Simpson off the rails. (Cut to The Simpsons Treehouse Of Horror as Homer looks at the Dogs playing Poker and having a mental breakdown. Cut back to “Where there’s smoke, there’s fish” as James does a voiceover.) Alton then begins smoking his salmon, even though he has in recent years felt the need to start the smoker a half hour before the smoking begins, and yes, I do that as well, just not in a cardboard box. We will get to it at the end of the review. But after a few hours of smoking, the Salmon is fragrant, tasty, and above all else smoked “Good Eats.” 

(Cut to James, Crosslyn, Nick Lopez and a now calmed down Jessica Lopez-Barkl and now joined by Andrew and Doug, as they hold plates of pulled pork.) 

TLOTA:
And now we’re going to our next subject, pulled pork, which is also going to be revisited at the end of this one as we look over “Q.” (“Q” played by Nick Yaun arrives)  

“Q”:
Ah, perfect combustibles for lower beings such as yourselves. (James punches “Q”) You’re not being fair! Picard wouldn’t hit me!  

TLOTA:
I’m not Captain Jean-Luc Picard! NOW PISS OFF!  

“Q”:
Very well then. (“Q” disappears as it cuts to the “Good Eats” episode “Q” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
The episode opens with Alton in a BBQ restaurant getting a crash course on what it means to make good Pork Shoulder or Butt and the reason it’s called a butt is that that piece of pork was put in casks, or Butts as they were called back in the day. After getting his Boston butt, we see Alton not in his usual kitchen but instead in a camper. While the story of the episode has him being in California to make a “Good Eats” movie, the truth is a little harder than that. Alton was using a friend’s kitchen throughout the fifth and most of the sixth season; however, he was forced to find a new place and purchased a studio that he uses to this day for his YouTube channel. He starts with a simple wet brine that includes molasses and pickling salt, or, in a pinch, any fine grind of salt mixed with water and the pork. And after several hours in the brine, Alton dries it off, then proceeds to create a ceramic cooker with terra cotta flowerpots, grill grates, a cheap pie pan, and hardwood chunks. After putting on a salt- and sugar-free rub on the pork. Alton puts the pork on the smoker as we discover that cooking a pork piece like a shoulder isn’t being done to cook it to doneness but rather making it so tender that the collagen in the meat converts to gelatin, and that gelatin is what makes BBQ lip-smacking unctuous! He then goes into the disassembly and shredding it before pulling out the hatchet for chopped pork. But the episode ends with Alton enjoying it, but also in a post-episode closing gives us a tip that if you smoke it for a couple of hours and finish it in the oven, no one will be the wiser. Unless you happen to be in a BBQ Competition. (Cut to James and the team running for their lives and make it to the RV and it drives off as everyone else is throwing everything including the Kitchen Sink as “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction plays in the foreground at the 0:18-1:04 mark as it ends, James and everyone in the team make it out of harm’s way in a campground close to the Studio.) 

TLOTA:
Well, that was a disaster!   

Doug Yaun:
You had to mention that you didn’t have to finish BBQ, IN A BBQ! 

Nick Yaun:
Dude, take it easy. At least we got out in one piece! 

TLOTA:
Well, the big regret I have is that I didn’t get a chance to show off Der Uber-Raucher! (Cut to everyone else as they say “Der Uber-Raucher"?! Cut to James as he goes to the tailgate of the RV and opens it up, revealing “Der Uber-Raucher") Behold Der Über-Raucher! An enamel-covered cast iron, Terra Cotta insulated, carbon steel, and nonstick grates, and I was hoping to bless it at the competition. It’s a hybrid based on what you want to cook. It has Hardwood such as Maple and Apple in chunk, chip and dust form for smoking. You can switch between propane, electric, and wood/coal fire, and it will cook any form of BBQ to perfection. Even chicken. And speaking of chicken, Alton was able to make BBQ-flavored chicken. The difference is I WILL be making BBQ Chicken, but let’s see why Alton is thinking flavoring with BBQ flavors is better than doing it in “Grillus Domesticus” (Cut to the “Good Eats” episode “Grillus Domesticus” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
The episode opens with Alton realizing that we eventually try to put the bird on the grill, which turns chicken into carbon. But with his recipe, he plans to turn Chicken on the grill into “Good Eats”. We start off with the basics of the Chicken and grilling. Of course, complicating it is the fact that there’s so much subcutaneous fat that it could cause flare-ups and thus turn chicken into carbon. However, Alton does have a plan. We start off with an average-sized roaster/fryer bird cut into eight pieces and put in a simple brine of Salt and Honey with water. He then prepares the coal to be put in a ring of fire and then, after drying off the pieces, makes a rub to go on and flavor the pieces of chicken and grills them; he feels comfortable calling his grilled chicken BBQ-flavored “Good Eats.” (Cut to James and a cooler filled with meat.) 

TLOTA:
However, since this aired, I have found a way to make BBQ Chicken but not in Alton’s way. 

Jessica Lopez-Barkl (Audio only):
This ought to be good. 

TLOTA:
It is. Starting off with the average roaster/fryer/broiler-sized chicken, I started by taking out the backbone, then the central bones, which include the rib and wishbone, as well as the keel bone, and splitting it in half. As for the cooking marinade/sauce, for once it hits the smoker per bird we start with one chicken egg, and with that we mix in three tablespoons of salt, one tablespoon of poultry seasoning, half a teaspoon of freshly ground pepper, and yes, this is a manual coffee grinder, but damn it if it doesn’t leave a fine grind for pepper. And we start the mixing; then we drizzle in one cup of a neutral oil- vegetable oil if possible until it turns into an emulsion, and then we mix in an equal amount of Apple Cider. However, if you want it thicker so it can be more like a mayonnaise or bearnaise sauce, use less, or if you want it more traditional, then go for two full cups. After reaching the right consistency, take the prepped birds and soak them in the marinade/sauce for a few hours if possible. And now we also prep our ribs starting with the removal of the membrane on the bone side of the ribs; we then coat both sides with mustard and then our sweet and spicy rub which consists of Brown Sugar, Salt, Pepper, Paprika, Garlic Powder, Herbs de Provence, and sage and I let them rest for a few hours in the rub, Overnight for the best results, and as for our Pork Butt (Shoulder); we start with the Butt in a brine of Molasses, Apple Cider Vinegar, and Kosher Salt. After an overnight soak, we make a rub of mustard powder, Paprika, ground black pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and sage. And now we power up Der Uber-Racher! But which way? We can use the propane if we have some water in a pan, or we could go wood/coal for the long, low, and slow approach, or electric for the consistency. You know, since we have the time, we’re going wood/coal for the heat. And as they cook, let’s check out Alton’s last BBQ episode. “Right on Q” (“Q” from the James Bond franchise, played by Paulo Fonseca, walks up to join the others) 

“Q” from the James Bond franchise:
Ah, Agent 428, I see that you have finally perfected Der Uber-Racher and have it loaded with meat. 

TLOTA:
Well, thanks to your advice. (Cut to the team) 

Paulo Fonseca:
Wait, you mean to tell me you used your old II-DOD connections to create this thing? Surely you joke. (Cut to “Q” from the James Bond Franchise) 

“Q” from the James Bond franchise:
I never joke about my work. Now how long will it be? 

TLOTA:
A couple of hours. (Cut to the “Good Eats” episode “Right on Q” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
The episode opens on Alton answering questions about his favorite foods, and one question that is a little morbid! To which he answers that unless he was having a date with the state or if he was at the end of his days, he’d love some BBQ, and while he apologizes to Texas for the fact that he isn’t talking about Brisket when it comes to BBQ, he's talking about ribs and pork shoulder. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
I will add the Brisket to Der Uber-Racher. Start by trimming off excess fat and rendering it down as tallow to coat the brisket in, along with salt, pepper, and garlic powder, then add it to Der Uber-Racher. But the point is that for the next hour Alton is going to talk about the origins of Barbeque and how he has made his version of what we’re making, sans the chicken and the brisket. But first, a history lesson. (Cut to Alton discussing the meaning of the word Barbeque and then the history of the Barbeque concept. Cut to everyone) 

Crosslyn Castillo:
So we have Christopher Columbus to thank for the concept of Barbeque. 

Nick Lopez:
Give ninety-nine percent of the credit to the Taino people that Columbus mistook for Indians, which is where we got the word for those we mistook for the First Nations people from this hemisphere.  

TLOTA:
Okay, well now we get into what we knew already from the start: the cuts of Pork that Alton is going to use. (Cut to the “Good Eats” episode “Right on Q” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Alton gets his Pork Shoulder and Ribs, Alton prepares his DIY Smoker made from a Footlocker from an Army Surplus Store, A twin electric burner, A Cheap Cast Iron Pan filled with hardwood chips (Possibly Pecan or peach, seeing as how Alton is from Georgia), and a twin-probed BBQ Thermometer, one for the meat and one for the air. We then see Alton prep his ribs to put them on the smoker when our perspective suggests that we try making BBQ on a Propane grill. After some trial and error, Alton gets the ribs on a Propane grill, which is now a smoker thanks to an aluminum pie pan and the same type of thermometer. We soon get a science lesson as to why Smoked BBQ helps flavor and tender the targeted food and is quite interesting as to how under the right conditions and hard wood, The food can taste better and the good smoke which is the lighter smoke in color allows that food to be preserved in a way as well as be anti-micro bacterial and that apparently Mesquite is not good for smoking. We soon see his Pork Shoulder has enough smoke for his taste as he then proceeds to put his shoulder in the oven. Meanwhile, the ribs on the propane are now smoked tender. However, there is still one method everyone wants to challenge Alton with: smoking with charcoal, and the fact that he has had the charcoal grill since he was a younger man and WHOA! (Cut to everyone as they try to hold their laughter in for five seconds but then erupt into laughter as the clip of him making the grill into a jet engine. Cut to everyone as they continue to laugh as the clip continues until James stops, sighs, and looks at the audience.) Wow, Alton, if you did look like that, then the face you had when you first made your roast chicken is similar to Mike Bolton’s Meme face in “Office Space” (Cut to the “Good Eats” episode “Right on Q” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
After that big “Okay, yeah, I thought that was cool moment. Alton shows his new way to turn his kettle grill into a BBQ smoker, which involves an air-controlling device and foil tape to cover up the vents. Alton sets up the grill for ribs, and after cooking it to the same tenderness, Alton waxes poetic about Barbeque. (Show the ending as Alton talks about George Washington going to a BBQ and what Barbeque is about. Cut to James and everyone else as he begins to put the BBQ on a few trays.) 

TLOTA:
And he is right; it’s more than smoked meat and great side dishes. Barbeques are events that bring us all together. They have a certain ability to make us forget our problems, meet people we might not know, and find some common ground. That, and people love smoked meat and beverages. (Cut to clips of “Good Eats” episodes with BBQ, grilling, and Smoking meats as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
So that was Alton Brown and “Good Eats” looking into Barbeque, Grilling, and smoking meats, and while a lot of these recipes are still good and the episodes themselves still hold up, a lot of the methods are a little out of date. I had wished that Warner Brothers/Discovery had allowed Alton to update the recipes for a season of “Good Eats: Reloaded.” But something tells me that David Zaslav found his series boring and would’ve most likely stopped production for a tax credit. But as is, these episodes are not bad, because Alton always tried to have some level of creativity and credibility for people to make these BBQed foods capable for us to make or even tweak it to make it their own, and for that I recommend that for anyone who likes both Barbeque and Good Eats. (Cut to James as not only does everyone enjoy the food but so do the locals, who thank James for the BBQ, and James appreciates the people who came.) 

TLOTA:
There’s nothing like serving your fellow man! Ah, Der Uber-Racher has cooled off enough to be packed up, and now it’s time to get back to the studio. In the meantime, I got one more on-the-road review to do, and it will let History speak for itself. I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and that’s my opinion.