"Assume" it is just about time to go back to school

(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone, as it opens a portal.) 

(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown, then slide away to different images of Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl, and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.) 

(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.) 

(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Entertainment Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.) 

(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.) 

(Cut to James in his office) 

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. It’s almost time to go back to school and hopefully get a real understanding about American History, but if all else fails, just trust... (James turns and points over his left shoulder as a picture of Robert Wuhl appears) Mr. Wuhl. (Cut to the title cards for “Assume The Position with Mr. Wuhl” and “Assume The Position 201 with Mr. Wuhl” then clips of both specials as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
“Assume The Position” and its sequel “Assume The Position 201” are American history lessons under the basis of humor with the phrase “The stories that made up America and the stories America made up.” But do both work in telling these lessons properly and tell these stories well? (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
Before we get into the specials, let’s discuss the man who is the center of the specials: Robert Wuhl. (Cut to images and clips of Robert Wuhl as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Robert Wuhl was born in 1951 and has quite a prestige, he was a part of the writing staff for the series “Police Squad” along with Tino Insana which eventually became the movie franchise known as “The Naked Gun,” he was in the music video of “Material Girl” for Madonna, appeared in the movie “Flashdance” in a brief role, he was in some pretty prestige movies including “Good Morning, Vietnam” with Robin Williams, “Bull Durham” with Kevin Costner, “Blaze” with Paul Newman, “Cobb” with Tommy Lee Jones, the host of the Oscars in the movie “The Bodyguard,” and his highest profile role as Alexander Knox in the 1989 Tim Burton Batman movie. On the small screen, he worked with HBO as the creator of and star of the hit series “Arliss.” He also has appeared on stage in multiple Off- and On-Broadway shows. He has always had a non-biased agenda in certain areas, and I also think he is just funny enough to be funny now while going after everything. If there is anything negative about him, I can’t find it. If anyone does, let me know in the comment section. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
So with that out of the way, let’s get ready to “Assume The Position” (Cut to “Assume The Position” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
The specials were filmed at NYU and had some really good commentators between the segments, including Sarah Vowell, David Cross, and Jeff Greenfield, to name a few. We open on the segment entitled “History Is Pop Culture.” We start off figuring out who or what is the first thought when it comes to Historical figures or Pop Culture figures. (Show the moments in which Robert Wuhl talks about the legends we came up with for Christopher Columbus and how Washington Irving came up with the legend of Christopher Columbus proving the world was round and that History is pop culture and how this led to a quote from a movie to be known for how it affects our history and our legends for the quote is “When The Legend Becomes Fact, Print the legend.”) [Beat] 

He then goes on to tell us that Paul Revere and his midnight ride and went nineteen miles, someone who else did a midnight ride to warn the fellow colonists and the man is named Israel Bissell saying while Paul Revere made it across the state and that Israel went from through several states on the same night. Except for the fact that people are starting to acknowledge Israel Bissell, the fact that everyone knows who Paul Revere because of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Henry wrote “The Legend Of Paul Revere” just at the point before the Civil War. Longfellow also wrote many other pieces including “Evangeline,” “The courtship of Miles Standish,” and “The Song of Hiawatha” and other pieces. Robert then asks us to think about the next Longfellow or Washington Irving and how to think what they will think. (Play the clip about what Robert thinks what the Longfellow and Washington Irving of the 22nd century will think about our pop culture figures.) [Beat] 

After the first few thoughts from the commentators, we come upon what Robert thinks is the biggest grammatical screw up in the first sentence in the constitution, even though it was more of a declaration of hope that we can do much better than we have. (Show the clip of Robert telling us about how grammatically incorrect “A More Perfect Union” is and who our founding fathers truly were in his opinion and then assumed the position of no such thing as a colonial quickie.) [Beat] 

We then come upon a highlight of the special called “As American As Apple Pie” which is itself is an anachronism because while yes there were Apples, the apples we know have been implanted thanks to Kazakhstan. This time he talks about actors and entertainers and people known in popular culture getting into politics, and how it’s not a new phenomenon. (Show the clip about how our first presidents were celebrities because they were war heroes which were George Washington {Who fought for the freedoms we now take for granted}, Andrew Jackson {Who fought in the war of 1812 and won the battle of New Orleans which happened after the war was over} and then Ulysses Simpson Grant {The country’s first functioning drunk president} then how in the 20th century celebrities changed and the people who went from entertainment to politics sans one big name and how Edwin Booth’s brother John Wilkes Booth put the kibosh on his brother’s ambitions. Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
Before I forget, this is a DVD rip, which means one moment that everyone thought was erased is back in older prints on DVD. That being said, let’s go! (Show the clip of Robert Wuhl leading the class in “We Will Rock You,” then proceeds to talk about how it’s a Gay battle cry and it is not the first one we knew about. The first one being “Yankee Doodle” as it says that we were so dumb that we would put a feather in our hats and think we were so sophisticated that we would enter a club called “Macaroni” and we wouldn’t look like The Three Stooges in Ye olden days and that battle cries like “We Will Rock You” and “Yankee Doodle” are as American as Apple pie. Cut to the rest of the special as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
After our second appearance of our commentators, we get to the next known moment of “I Shit You Not.” as he gives us some historical quickies such as how Man O’ War the racehorse legend lost one race to a horse named “Upset,” George Grant who in 1870 became the first African American Graduate of Harvard’s dental school and creates the first device to deal with Cleft-Palate Patients and then creates the best tool for every doctor on the fairway, The Golf Tee. The Guinness Book of World Records has a record of the most stolen book from libraries in its own publication. Alfred Nobel’s own desire to award peace came from the invention of dynamite, Edward Hyde (Not the Edward Hyde from the Robert Louis Stevenson “Jekyll and Hyde” book) who was Lord Cornbury and becomes the colonial governor of New York and New Jersey he also does a lot to unify the colonies and one other little quirk was that he dressed like Klinger in the early episodes of “MASH.” And our final educational moment talks about the Hundred Years’ War between Britain and France and how we got to flipping the bird. (Show the clip of Robert Wuhl talking about “Plucking The Yew” and how it transformed into “F--- YOU!” though the subtitles say that it was the French who had their middle fingers cut off, and the British taunts were correct. Robert Wuhl thanked everyone and dismissed the class. Cut to James physically.) 

TLOTA:
And that was the first one, and we won’t have to wait long to return to class with Mr. Wuhl as we go to “Assume The Position 201” (Cut to “Assume The Position 201” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
We open with assuming that History is “Based on a true story.” We then find Robert Wuhl talking about one party as two of the people who were running for the president at the time was a woman and a black person, and this was back in 2008, and believe it or not, it’s not the first time it has happened, it happened in 1872 and while the candidate was controversial at the time but not the first controversial candidate of Franklin Pierce who decides to run for the presidency but he needs a little help from someone who can make him look like the million dollar candidate. (Show the clip of Franklin Pierce and how he convinced his friend Nathaniel Hawthorne who wrote “The Scarlet Letter” and “The House of The Seven Gables” and how Franklin Pierce’s story is “Based On A True Story” and how we think of movies as being “Based On A True Story" and uses “A Beautiful Mind” as an example which omits the fact that the character of John Nash which includes him having a child out of wedlock and was a deadbeat dad to said child, that he made so many antisemitic comments that would’ve had Mel Gibson saying “Holy Fuck” and that John Nash was in a relationship with a guy. And since Hawthorne wrote the book on Pierce, he willingly omitted that Pierce was a pro-slavery raging alcoholic but paints the guy as the savior America needs. And James comments, “Sounds familiar.” Robert Wuhl says that because of the book he becomes the President “Based On A True Story.” However, Pierce sucks like a vacuum cleaner. Not only becoming an instigator of the Civil War, but also becoming the ONLY president to not get his own party’s nomination for a second term. Pierce’s reaction is to get drunk and have a vehicular accident.) [Beat] 

TLOTA (V.O.):
And after that we get told about how lousy leaders in this country are as American as Apple Pie. (Show clip of Robert Wuhl and how Aaron Burr tied and how Alexander Hamilton used his influence to get Thomas Jefferson elected and Aaron thanked Hamilton by shooting him dead and is arrested and charged four times for treason! He then talks about how William Henry Harrison, thirty days after being inaugurated, was dead! He then talks about John Tyler, who, after not getting reelected, switches from the Union to the Confederacy. He then talks about Millard Fillmore, who was so anti-immigration that he wanted to kick out the Irish Catholics that were already in the country. How Warren G. Harding lost the White House China in a game of poker and then to Calvin Coolidge who was in South Dakota for three months fishing as the country tries to recover from the overflow of the Mississippi River and how South Dakota have restocked the lake for fish to generate revenue for South Dakota because there is Bupkis in South Dakota and because of Cal they were able to create Mount Rushmore which was finished weeks before Pearl Harbor. And that's how George W isn’t a second-generation bad president, but thanks to his mother, born Barbara Pierce, who is the granddaughter of Franklin Pierce, George W Bush is a Fifth-Generation Bad President.) After the only in-episode appearance from the commentators, which also had Seth Rogen in the mix this time. We get “I Shit You Not!” (Show clips of Robert Wuhl talking about Ramses Condoms, based on the name, which is on the Pharaoh who fathered over 100 kids. How on the Titanic they served iceberg lettuce; how on April 9 of the year the special came out; how Hugh Hefner and his three women, as their ages would equal Hef’s own age at the time. How the croissant started off in Austria over their victory against the Ottoman Empire and how it went to France thanks to Marie Antoinette, how Pfizer discovered Viagra by accident. Show the clip of how Robert will defend Britney Spears because of Hedy Lamarr and how, while on a night at a club, she came up with a plan known as frequency hopping, which is the start of many technological advancements to this day, and how he thinks that Britney’s club hopping may have been because she had a cure for something.) [Beat] After that moment, we get one final segment which tells us who truly existed in our real world and how many weren’t. (Show “Real or Not Real” clip which leads to Robert Wuhl talking about who was real and not real in a rhyme speaking which talks about Marie Callender’s and her company’s pies and the show ends.) And that is how it ends as we get the commentators who talks about history and their favorite technological advancement. (Cuts to James physically) 

TLOTA:
So that was “Assume The Position with Mr. Wuhl” and “Assume The Position 201 with Mr. Wuhl.” And... yeah it was funny because it shows what our country was like and didn’t have to overexplain it. (Cut to clips of both “Assume The Position with Mr. Wuhl" and “Assume The Position 201 with Mr. Wuhl” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
As a whole, both specials show what our history can teach us through the power of humor. The moments that taught us feel like they did so without us knowing. The humor has a great punch even if the references in the specials are dated, and I liked the energy Robert Wuhl put in the performances. I also liked the feel of it being like a college course as taught by a man who loves history and makes it approachable through his own sense of humor. If you haven’t seen it, then I HIGHLY suggest you check out both on Physical Media or a DVD Rip on a streaming source. The only one I don’t recommend is the HBO Max because it edited so much of the first one that it feels like someone used an eraser and decided to clean it up for more people to watch.  Check it out and get a good laugh and a better understanding of our history. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion. (James walks out of frame and says “Ah, there’s no...Oh Crap!” fade to black.) 

What is my beef with "Homelander" & "The Boys"?

(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone, as it opens a portal.) 

(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cuts to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of , Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown then slides away to different images of Doug Yaun, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl and Crosslyn Castillo and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.) 

(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun, Nick Lopez, Jessica Lopez-Barkl and Crosslyn Castillo” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.)   

(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written and “Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.)  

(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.)  

(The scene changes to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, in his office.)  

TLOTA: 
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. A lot of people have been asking me what I have against the Amazon Prime series "The Boys" and one of its big characters, "Homelander." (Cut to clips from "The Boys" across all seasons as James delivers a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Now I understand the tone of the show, it's a tongue-in-cheek deconstruction of what would happen if Superman, The Flash and all the other superpowered people who supposedly do good, or what would happen if our world had superpowered beings and what they do, and if they cause collateral damage, do they care enough about who they hurt and what they do or do they think themselves as gods and whatever they do is what they believe is for the greater good (Cut to the clip from "Monstertober: Triple Crest" as the TWA say“The Greater good! ”Cut to clips of "The Boys" from all the seasons as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Well, if the "Greater good" includes taking over Governments, slaughtering citizens like cattle, treating women like garbage, and forcing those with powers to join them even if they don't want to, only to make them feel inferior because their abilities aren't like theirs, they find those who have no powers who risk everything about them to stop these super powered beings are nothing but the annoyance of insects to them having these powers is something no one should aspire to and the supposed "Real Heroes" being nothing but anarchists where their goal is to destroy the system that made the "Heroes" unstoppable aren't better. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And before I get ANY comments, please know that I am talking about the series and its characters. Just because I cannot stand Homelander does not mean it is an attack on Anthony Starr. That being said...(Cut to clips of Homelander as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
IF Homelander were real and I could kill him, after his powers were gone, I would NOT pull the trigger, I would make sure that he was properly detained and then put away from humanity, except for those who are like Homelander. I would show him that just because he has powers, he is not exempt from any law. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
That being said, was I happy that Billy, played by Karl Urban, murdered "Homelander" in the finale of "The Boys," yeah, I should've put a spoiler alert here, I admit I saw the finale, and to be honest, it was not that good, but the answer is NO! (Cut to the finale of "The Boys" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Look, I get that the finale had to end the way it did because it was partly due to the comics, yeah, this show was based on a comic book, and it does end similarly to the book. I think the fact that, after losing his powers, he was embarrassed on a global scale would be bad enough. The fact that Billy just uses a crowbar and then is happy to do worse than Homelander is more than the producers think is "justified" by having Hughie, played by Jack Quaid, put Billy down like a dog. No, there is no justification for what Billy and Hughie did, or for what else happened in the finale. And the fact that Hughie does get a measure of peace after this means that "Hey, vigilantism against vigilantism can work, just be sure that you think you can walk away anonymously. " (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Again, NO! Vigilantism is neither victimless nor a good idea. (Cut to clips of the different cinematic "Batman" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The reason Batman has lasted shows that he might be a vigilante, even if he isn’t above the laws of man and has a morality, even if the last few cinematic outings have tried to politicize the morality of Batman and his alter ego, Bruce Wayne. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
"Now wait a minute," you may be saying right now, "Homelander is right because he was a blend of what Superman and Captain America SHOULD be by our standards, because we need someone that zealous." is probably how you would end the argument as to why I should like "Homelander." My response? (Cut to clips of "Superman" in the DCEU and in past iterations, and of "Captain America" over the past few years, as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As much as the Henry Cavill Superman fell to certain thoughts I could see in him trying to be the noble character that Superman is, it was more studio interference and Zack Snyder, who was trying to modernize the idea that Superman, powers and all, into what people think is cool. Thankfully, when "Superman & Lois" and its performer Tyler Hoechlin allowed us to see Superman for the City Set Upon The Hill, as I mentioned when I talked about "Man Of Steel" a few years back. Superman tells us that we can be better not by using our powers for our own gain, but by using them to help those in need.  As for Captain America, the one exception being... (Show a clip of John Walker taking the shield and killing a flag-smasher.) You know who. Captain America is an ideal: just because you have powers doesn't mean you are above who you were before. It's a reinvention of who you were, and while it matters what that person does with those abilities, if you were someone like Homelander, then he would use those abilities for evil, and since Homelander already had Superman's powers, just knowing he was doing what he was doing in "The Boys" is not a surprise.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So does that mean I don't recommend "The Boys" and that it should be TV Trash fodder? No! (Cut to footage of "The Boys" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It is a series that I wouldn't even inflict on my worst enemies, including those assholes from Chicago. It doesn't deserve any more of our time talking about it. We should be looking at this show as what it is. A bad relic of the 2010s, when people thought that any hero had to be good, they had to be as dark and brooding as Batman or be in the MCU. If they wanted something to stand out, it was either a dark reinterpretation or go the Tongue-In-Cheek route and make the heroes so perfect that people have to think that there is something off with them, that there has to be something more to them that makes you think they're darker than the "Villains" they fight, or have some corrupt company bankroll their enterprise. Whatever it is, I am sure about one thing when it comes to this type of "Entertainment," if it feels like it's basically insulting your thoughts on Heroes, or how you believe that heroes and your world view are dumb or bad, because it doesn't meet someone else's thoughts on the world and what their perspective is, then just tell them: NO! This may be how you see it, but everyone else thinks you're nuts. (Cut to "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
If you are interested in the deconstructionist take on the hero/villain/citizen dynamics, then you should watch "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog." It does what "The Boys" can't do. Take the deconstructionist route and use intelligence to show what the concept is, then turn it on its head. (Cut to "Superman vs The Elite" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Or, if you want it more comic-book-based, I strongly recommend "Superman vs The Elite," which shows what would happen if Superman had to take on people like Homelander and his team. A team that would mock Superman and his beliefs. But at the end of the day, Superman would beat Homelander not by power but by showing Homelander and his team what it would be like if their type of vigilantism were turned on them. (Cut to the comic book in which "Homelander" and "Superman" fight as James delivers a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, so yeah, there is that, but I think I will leave it to Linkara to deal with it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion. (Cut to a couple of hours later as James pulls in with an R.V.)

TLOTA:
So what do you think? (Cut to the team)

Jessica Lopez-Barkl:
We're going to be traveling in this?

Nick Lopez:
I am getting National Lampoon's Vacation vibes from all of this. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Look, we've earned this road trip, and the best part is we can do reviews here when we decide to go mobile. It will save us on hotel fees, and on top of that, it has the same tech as the Time Space Device, cool, huh? (Cut to the team)

Crosslyn Castillo:
If we're going to fit in there the same way as the Time Space Device, I hope there's a pool so I can do some Mermaiding.

Renee Miller:
We're all wasting time; let's pile in and hit the road.

Andrew Beach:
She's right, where are we going? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Philadelphia on July 4th, the best BBQ competition in August, back here by September, and we get to have little adventures on the road in between the reviews. So load up and let's ride. (Everyone piles in, and James closes the door as the R.V. starts up and the scene fades to black.)

The "Dawn Of" the 12th

(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal.)

(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Antoni Matteo Garcia, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Antoni Matteo Garcia, Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown then slides away to different images of Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.)

(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.)

(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written by Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci, and “Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.)

(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.) 

(The scene changes to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, looking out the front door as he hears tires screeching offscreen.)

TLOTA:
I appreciated his advice, but I need someone to help with my twelfth anniversary. It’s not like an answer is going to fall out of the sky. 

(A man screams and lands on James, as we hear two men shout “Ow!” Cut to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and Antoni Matteo Garcia on the horseshoe couch.) 

TLOTA:
So you had been there for that long? That explains a lot, anyway, what do you say? 

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I’m in James. (beat) So, what’s the movie you’re going to need help with? 

TLOTA:
Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
And no way out of this one, isn’t it?

TLOTA:
Afraid not! 

Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (In Unison):
So let’s do this! 

(Cut to the title card of “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 2016, “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” was DC’s first failed attempt at playing catch-up with Marvel and their cinematic universe after “Man Of Steel” was “successful.” I put it in quotation marks because, to this day, the critics and audience remain polarized over what they did; I wouldn’t call it a success or a failure. Regardless, this movie, like its predecessor, split the audience, critics, and fans of DC.

 (Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:
So let’s not wait another twelve years for me to review this, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans...

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
And I’m Antoni Matteo Garcia...

Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (In Unison):
And this is...

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Batman

TLOTA:
V Superman

Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (In Unison):
Dawn Of Justice! 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
We open at the funeral of Thomas and Martha Wayne. It’s fitting, seeing how this is going to kill DC’s fan base. We hear some sentences that I think are meant to be symbolic, or maybe someone is waxing philosophically about life, but I digress. These “philosophical” expositions are delivered by Ben Affleck, who portrays Bruce Wayne in this movie, as we are given Batman’s backstory during the opening credits. We see the faceless man fire the shots at Thomas, played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and Martha, played by Lauren Cohan, Bruce falling into the cave filled with bats, and what on earth is this?!

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans physically)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Do you have any idea what it is we’re watching?

TLOTA:
Outside of a two-and-a-half-hour waste of time that we won't get back, I am stymied about what we’re in for. 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We then cut to the day when Superman and Zod fought and demolished half of Metropolis, as we see Bruce Wayne try to do a Steve Guttenberg.

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
A “Steve Guttenberg”? I learned about this gentleman and his oeuvre, but what exactly do you mean?

TLOTA (V.O.):
Help as best one can when the situation deteriorates. Remember back when Los Angeles was on fire nearly five months ago, and someone helped move vehicles out of the way so that first responders could help more quickly? The one who did the most to help was Steve Guttenberg.

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Oh, okay, I understand. Anyway, Bruce is also trying to get to the Metropolis branch of Wayne Enterprises by calling his associate, Jack. However, there is collateral damage, as one person caught in the destruction of the building lost his legs, and, as for Jack…well…He winds up dead!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Cut to eighteen months later, as we see a green glowing rock in the Indian Ocean, where one of Zod’s terraformers was. We then cut to Lois Lane and this universe’s version of Jimmy Olsen, a CIA agent working undercover in Africa, trying to secure an interview with a warlord. When Jimmy is exposed, the warlord takes matters into his own hands and kills him immediately. 

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
It was a bad idea to bring in one of Superman’s greatest supporting characters just to kill him off. 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, physically as Zack Snyder, played by Paulo Fonseca, busts through the movie.)

Zack Snyder:
Hey bro, Jimmy Olsen was lame, bro! But the execs wanted him in! I didn’t! So, we compromised, they got Jimmy Olsen, and I got to get rid of him easily, bro! 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:
Well, let me tell you about Jimmy Olsen. He represents the younger sibling who can help Superman relate to these kids these days. And for you to kill off such an established character in Superman lore is REPULSIVE! 

(Cut to stills of Jimmy Olsen from the various iterations of “Superman” on TV and in movies, as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Say what you will about Jimmy Olsen, but he was a breath of fresh air in terms of balancing the high-octane action with some moments of camaraderie. I find his idealistic optimism thoroughly charming and sweet on his greatest days. Furthermore, he can be a reliable ally, confidant, and friend to Clark and Lois.

TLOTA (V.O.):
And even though you might not have wanted to use him, killing off Jimmy Olsen doesn’t make this movie or Superman cooler; it just gets fans upset. 

(Cut to Zack Snyder)

Zack Snyder:
Listen, bro, I made the movie, I wanted as few of the established characters as I could, so I could make the film edgier and realistic, bro! 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans)

Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (in unison):
QUIT CALLING US BRO, YOU ALPHA MALE WANNABE! 

(Cut to Zack Snyder)

Zack Snyder:
Well, guess what, bro! I have successfully made Superman cool again, and there is nothing on earth that can stop me! 

(A Female voice pops up and says, “I am of the earth, but not in the way you think about!” and chucks Zack Snyder over the horseshoe couch as Kyra Lee of The Lacustrian Pod gets ready to attack, and James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, stops her.)

TLOTA:
Kyra, stop! It’s Paulo Fonseca as Zack Snyder.

Kyra Lee of The Lacustrian Pod:
Really? My Apologies to you, Paulo Fonseca, and to you, James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and to your guest... Mr.?  (Antoni Matteo Garcia walks over to the two)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Antoni Matteo Garcia, uh, Kyra?

Kyra Lee Of The Lacustrian Pod:
Yes, Kyra Lee of The Lacustrian Pod, which, if the one called Rowdy told you about, is the same pod that caused James Faraci The Last Of The Americans to be in the state he is in now! Allow me! 

(Kyra grabs Antoni Matteo Garcia by the wrist, as his face contorts to a wide, toothy grin. James Faraci thinks, runs to the dressing room, and knocks on the door, as someone says, “Come in.” James enters.)

TLOTA:
Liv, we’re going to have to kill the bits with you as the Lindsay Naegel Studio Exec. 

(Intercut between James and Olivia Horvath as she just put the costume on.)

Olivia Horvath:
Let me guess, Kyra mistook Paulo for the real deal?

TLOTA:
Bullseye.

Olivia Horvath:
Damn that mermaid, she just has been...

TLOTA:
I know, BELIEVE ME, I KNOW! 

(James closes the door as it cuts to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
The Warlord looks like he’s about to do to Lois what he did to Jimmy when Superman arrives. This causes people to discuss what happened, and for Senator Finch, played by Holly Hunter, to claim Superman as a radical element that should be controlled by all Governmental bodies, with the American one being the one with the most control. 

TLOTA (V.O.):
We then find Lois trying to relax in the bathtub after the ordeal that had just happened. Clark/Superman, played by Henry Cavill, then tries to surprise Lois with dinner. When the two have a conversation about the hearings that took place, Clark states that he cares more about Lois’ well-being than what any government wants from him. However, Lois says that “There’s Always a Cost for being a hero,” and Clark comforts her and the two decide to have a lovey-dovey rub-a-dub-dub in the bathtub!

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
After this intimate moment, we find ourselves in Gotham. Batman is there trying to rescue sex slave workers from a criminal who gets hit with, of all things, A Bat branding iron! A BAT BRANDING IRON! 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, physically with a reaction of total shock.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
You know, with all the ludicrous inventions Batman has had in the past, Bat Shark Repellant Spray, nipples on his costume, the material of his cape in the Christopher Nolan “Batman” movies, the Bat Credit Card, among others. A Bat branding iron seems the darkest thing to have.

TLOTA:
Especially since from what is discussed later, being hit with said branding iron is a bullseye the size of Texas on your ass to wind up getting killed in prison. 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
We then find Alfred, played by Jeremy Irons, as he works on technology for Batman. Among them is a device that lowers Bruce Wayne’s voice, making it less recognizable. Additionally, according to the research you cited, Kevin Smith reportedly suggested this device for the movie. We then see Bruce looking for Anatoli Knyazev, one of the main villains in this movie. However, one moment that doesn’t sit well with me is the fact that Bruce Wayne refers to himself and his alter ego as criminals.  Yes, Batman is an anti-hero, but he’s not someone who goes out into the night chasing after one faceless person after another. He is also brilliant in science, criminology, medicine, forensics, and everything that makes him the world’s greatest super-sleuth. But, no time for that, Clark overhears what is happening across the bay! Yes, in this universe, Gotham and Metropolis are neighboring cities, much like they were in the Silver Age of comics, as we then... Oh boy!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Oh boy indeed, we meet with Lex Luthor played by, UGH!, Jesse Eisenberg, who, unlike Gene Hackman and Kevin Spacey’s Lex, who are criminals, is more in line with his current form of a businessman. Still, unlike the Lex from the current comics, Jesse plays Lex like that one dude who made it rich off the internet and decided to parlay that into buying out his dad’s business and making it his own. At any rate, Lex discusses the crystals he found in Metropolis and similar ones found in the Indian Ocean, noting that these crystals have a specific effect on Kryptonians. Mainly cuts them and kills them. Lex wants an import license to bring the Kryptonite into Metropolis to weaponize it against Superman, just in case no one can tell, this guy is the villain in this piece!

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Perry assigns Clark to sports, as Superman’s reputation is tarnished. Lex wants access to the crashed Kryptonian ship and Zod’s body so he can... I have no clue what he is going to do. In this movie, it’s almost as if they’re trying to turn him into the Joker from “The Dark Knight,” Christopher Nolan movie. Clark tries to convince Perry about taking Batman seriously, but all he gets is sarcasm. Simultaneously, Lois heads to Washington, D.C., to find out where the bullet that was in her journal came from and who produced it. Coincidentally, Senator Finch blocks Lex’s Import License, which sends Lex into a mental state that would make Sigmund Freud go in an unhinged frenzy!

TLOTA (V.O.):
And here is where the first of many, many moments in which we are forced to deal with Bruce Wayne’s psyche in dream sequences that make absolutely no sense and add nothing but padding to the movie! Lois then tries to get help from her contacts in Washington, D.C., with no avail, just as Bruce Wayne discovers a connection that, unlike everyone else in this movie, reveals Anatoli Knyazev is linked to Lex Luthor. Alfred reports to Bruce about an event in Metropolis that he can attend, where, among all the madcap happenstances, Clark Kent is present as a member of the press. Coincidentally, Diana of Themyscira, played by Gal Gadot, is there. But, since we’re already aware of who she is, we don’t have to talk about her until she becomes relevant again! And it is here that Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent finally meet and talk about what else, each other! 

(Cut to the conversation between Clark and Bruce. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia and TLOTA (In Unison):
WHEN?! WHEN THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?!

TLOTA:
OR-HAC, please post all the headlines about Superman on the Screen. (Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, as they look at the headlines involving Superman.) Oh look, “General Zod plans to turn Earth into his new home planet, but is thwarted by Superman! Superman is public enemy number one!”

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
“Superman saves citizens of the foreign nation before war breaks out! Superman is now considered an enemy to the United Nations!”

TLOTA:
“Superman rescues astronauts from certain death when their experimental rocket fails. Superman is worse than the devil!” It sounds like, for all the good he’s doing, the media wants to make him suffer for doing good for the sake of doing good. But if someone, like say “Homelander,” does that and kills everyone, THAT is a fluff piece of journalism!

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I know, it’s times like these that make us want to drink, scream, and cry at the same time! (Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Lex tries to foreshadow the movie’s climax as Clark overhears an incident in Juarez during the Day Of The Dead celebration and does something to help. Which, of course, leads to talking heads saying “Superman’s a menace!” or, better yet, “Superman is 2+2=4! He must be stopped by the rainbow feather!” while incidents of bad things happening and Superman helping. 

(Cut to the Robert Wagner clip of No. 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt” in “Austin Powers in Goldmember.” Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Meanwhile, the man who lost his legs in the Metropolis incident is set free by Lex, given a wheelchair that serves as a McGuffin for later, as Perry and Clark continue to discuss the ethical issues surrounding Batman and journalism. As Bruce Wayne meets with Diana, she explains to Bruce that the data has Military Encryption, and that the device she collected is in his car’s glove compartment. Then we come upon...

TLOTA (V.O.):
I know, the “Knightmare” scene, the scene in which Apokolips has taken over the planet, and Superman has gone rogue. “THE FLASH” sends Bruce a warning about that and tells him that “Lois is the key!” If this were written more coherently, perhaps we wouldn’t have had the issues we did with it. It was not written that way, so let’s not kid ourselves. Clark is handed evidence about Batman as Bruce discovers a ship called “The White Portuguese,” which contains the Kryptonian element. You know what, Kryptonite, it’s frigging Kryptonite! Bruce is out to get it because, according to him, “If there is even a one percent chance of Superman being what the media has claimed him to be, then we have to be 100 percent ready to end him!” 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as they both tend to their migraines with icepacks on their foreheads and massaging them simultaneously.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Shoot for who should discuss why this rivalry is as forced as trying to fit an entire wild boar into one sausage link. 

(The two count to three with James Faraci getting the Higher number!)

TLOTA:
Okay, let’s do this! 

(Cut to the MCU clips of Iron Man and Captain America as James Faraci does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The reason the rivalry between the late Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man, and Steve “Captain America” Rogers worked in the MCU was that it was there from the start. Tony Stark, for all his accomplishments, still felt like Howard Stark’s bastard creation. He could have saved us from fuel problems, stopped deforestation by developing real, sustainable solutions that provide the essentials of living while repairing the damage we've caused for generations, and more. However, Tony would always have to play second fiddle to Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America. So, by the time the first “Avengers” movie came out, Tony was constantly needling Steve, poking a bear that was not meant to be poked. He came out of the first Avengers movie a little better because he decided to keep Steve closer but not allow him total leadership of anything, even “The Avengers” itself, by the time “Age of Ultron” happened. Then came “Captain America: Civil War” the moment that we knew was coming the fight to see which was better Tony in his Iron Suit still feeling like the bastard creation second fiddle and Steve being Howard’s first big success fighting not only ideologically but also as to who was the best and I will grant that the battle was exacerbated by the fact that Bucky who was brainwashed into “The Winter Soldier” killed Howard and Maria Stark but the fact the final brawl between the two ended in a draw makes it clear that Tony and Steve were doomed to never win. He still carried that anger as “Infinity War” happened. Bruce Banner tried to tell Tony to put aside the crap so that they can stop Thanos, however as reluctant as Tony was to call Steve, he almost called putting the feud to rest, however “Infinity War” ends with everyone losing then just as “Endgame” begins Tony basically lays out how much he hates Steve and wants nothing to do with Steve at the start. But by the time Tony discovered how to do what Steve had asked for, he decided to finally put his disdain for Steve aside and do what needed to be done to regain what everyone had lost. So at the end of Tony’s existence, he finally understood what Steve Rogers had been talking about and made peace with Howard, that’s why Tony and Steve’s relationship was always rocky until the end of “Endgame!” 

(Cut to the clips of “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” of Bruce Wayne/Batman and Clark Kent/Superman as they fight, and James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA(V.O.):
 In this movie, it is not given time to develop; it is forced through every single time the two are in the same room or at least thinking about each other. There is no room for either of them to be both right and wrong about each other. It’s just “I’m right and the other one is wrong, and there is nothing to change my mind.” Good frigging night! My great-nieces act more mature, and there’s a ten-month gap between them; the oldest is three, and the other is two. 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I couldn’t have said it better. Of course, I wouldn’t be foaming at the mouth and ranting like a lunatic like you are right now. 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Lois tries to once again ask for assistance about the bullet, just as Batman and Superman meet with the latter, warning the former, “Stop your vigilantism or I will make sure that you will be in a prison cell. The choice is yours.” Batman’s response? 

(Show the “Do you bleed?!” clip. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

TLOTA:
Do you have anything to say about it? No? Me Neither! 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
With the kryptonite now in Luthor’s hands, it’s time for the next part of Lex’s plan. By ensuring that Superman arrives at a hearing led by Senator Finch to condemn Him for his actions, when essentially... 

(Show the clip of Senator Finch discovering a jar of piss marked “Granny’s Peach Tea” and the bomb under Wallace’s Wheelchair going boom and Superman standing there. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
So, what do you want Superman to do now, oh great Senator Finch? Make silly clown faces for the orphaned kids and balloons for the widows?

TLOTA:
Maybe she shouldn’t have been all “Should we do something? We should do something!” in her discussions about Superman, then maybe, just MAYBE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN BARBEQUED BY THE SUICIDE BOMBING LEX LUTHOR DID JUST TO DISCREDIT SUPERMAN EVEN FURTHER! 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And just as Superman decides that he was wrong to do good, WHICH IS NOT SOMETHING SUPERMAN SHOULD EVER HAVE COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH, and heads off to exile in Parts unknown, Bruce finally gets through all the decoding and gets the Kryptonite to weaponize it against Superman. We also get a montage of Bruce training and decrypting the data even further, discovering Diana’s picture, which is a Deus Ex Machina for the opening of the Wonder Woman Movie. Meanwhile, Swanwick from “Man of Steel” helps Lois discover that the incident that happened in Africa was a setup by Lex Luthor. However, Swanwick refuses to go on record, and Lois realizes someone played her like a Gameboy. Wow, that reminds me I’m old. Meanwhile, in exile, Superman encounters a ghost of Jonathan Kent, who discusses how his heroic actions led to the Lang Family losing their farm. Which only has me asking what the point of this whole story about how heroic actions have consequences? Meanwhile, Bruce wonders if this final battle against Superman will end well, even if he defeats him, as Alfred bemoans the end of Bruce Wayne.

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
I’m just wondering. Why does Kevin Costner loathe Hollywood and acting, when it has made him successful?

TLOTA (V.O.):
In the meantime, Lex Luthor hijacks the Kryptonian technology in the crashed ship to create his master plan. Of course, it involves kidnapping Lois Lane. But then again, she hasn’t done much in this movie anyway, except being a Deus Ex Machina for Superman, as he finally confronts Lex. However, Lex has an ace up his sleeve. He has kidnapped Ma Kent, once again played by Diane Lane, plans on killing her, and complains that because Superman wasn’t there when Lex’s daddy punished the Lex we know in these movies. This is all because Lex’s daddy suffered under Soviet German rule and hated how his son had it easier. However, there is one way, according to Lex, to stop his plan: to kill Batman or to save his mom. Leading to the final showdown between Superman and Batman. 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:
If it had been done better, I would have enjoyed it! 

(Cut to the “Batman: The Dark Knight Returns” animated movie and the fight at the end of it as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In something like “Batman: The Dark Knight Returns,” it was handled with the dignity of the material. Granted, it is Frank Miller’s writing. However, it was acknowledged that Superman and Batman, while somewhat in step with one another, were friends by chance, not by any other factor. Plus, the two were eventually going to scrap. When it ended, both had lost and won at the same time. 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Back to the movie at hand, Diana receives an email from Bruce that gives us the chance to have The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman debut so quickly in this movie. This super-rushed team-up is the textbook definition of ramming every single thing down our throats until we suffocate to death! Meanwhile, as the battle comes to its conclusion, we get... the moment! The moment that DEFIES all comprehension, let alone understanding! Why did Superman say, “Martha?” What was this battle all about? Why did Lois Lane arrive to point out the obvious to Batman? It doesn’t make a lick of freaking sense!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Well, because of whatever the point of the Martha Moment was, it finally pulls the stick out of Batman’s ass and he, to make up for some of his xenophobia towards Superman, will rescue Martha. With Lex’s plans of seeing Batman or Superman or maybe even both dying going up in smoke, because Batman DID get Martha away from her captors before they end up killing themselves, he unleashes a monster created by the DNA of himself and that of the Kryptonian corpse of Zod, and... 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

TLOTA:
Wait a second, Lex Luthor’s DNA plus...

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Kryptonian DNA? Would that equate to... NO, they wouldn’t bloody dare!

TLOTA:
They shouldn’t do it. Because the last time we wound up with Nuclear Man in “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace”! 

(Cut to the reveal of “Doomsday” in “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice.” Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, physically.)

TLOTA:
Well, Snyder, congratulations are in order, way to go for making the most epic DC failure SINCE “SUPERGIRL THE MOVIE,” “SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE,” “BATMAN & ROBIN,” “STEEL,” and RYAN REYNOLDS’ “GREEN LANTERN” MOVIE! 

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Do you feel better now?

TLOTA:
No, we got another twenty-five minutes plus of this abomination, and now we have to toss in whatever else Zack has done! 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
So, this ungodly abomination that’s supposed to be Doomsday is getting ready for a fight, just as Diana hears about it in a news report. Batman goes to fight it with whatever he has in stock, as Superman and Doomsday duke it out. 

TLOTA (V.O.):
But knowing the devices that can hurt the creature are the Kryptonite weapons Batman has made, but all that’s left is a spear that Lois foolishly chucked into the drink. This might be curtains for the Dark Knight when...

(Show clip of Wonder Woman joining in the fight. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Okay, one bright spot is the portrayal of Wonder Woman in this movie. 

TLOTA:
And, believe it or not, this is where I first heard of Gal Gadot and saw her performance as Wonder Woman. No wonder Patty Jenkins thought Gal’s performance could hold a Wonder Woman movie together. 

(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
The DC Trinity tries to fight Doomsday with what they have. However, Superman notices that Lois is trapped in the water, with the only thing left to stop Doomsday.

TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman rescues Lois again, and before this review ends, I wish to go on record once more in saying that it’s sad that the first comic-book-accurate, physically looking “Doomsday” was on “Smallville.” Then, in one last act, the spear kills Doomsday while Doomsday kills Superman.

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
This led to many audiences reacting in a similar manner. (Cut to a conga line of Team TLOTA and Antoni Matteo Garcia dressed as online trolls as they conga “Superman is De-ead! He’s going to Hell For-Ever!” ten times. Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.) And with that, Lex Luthor is arrested for his crimes and shaven bald as a plucked chicken. The world that matters mourns the loss in the only way it can. With Martha holding a private funeral for her son and Lois being with her to grieve, the nation buries the concept of Superman in a national funeral honoring the dead. Bruce bemoans the fact that he failed Clark and Superman and asks Diana to help him fight for what Superman fought for and died for. Although this world isn’t perfect, there is still good on this planet.

TLOTA (V.O.):
Bruce confronts Lex in Prison, letting him know that he will be watching. The movie ends with Lois tossing dirt, which lifts off Clark’s casket, setting up for the Justice League movie. 

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

TLOTA:
Which I already reviewed seven years ago, when it was a better time for me, it goes without saying that...

Antoni Matteo Garcia and TLOTA (In Unison):
THIS MOVIE SUCKS BULL DUNG LACED WITH KRYPTONITE!  

(Cut to clips of “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I will give the movie the following positives: The action was good; it flowed well, and it didn’t move at a snail’s pace. Ben Affleck, Jeremy Irons, Holly Hunter, Gal Gadot, and so many others, save for Jesse Eisenberg, really put their best efforts into making this movie. Plus, the opening’s pacing gave us Batman’s backstory without going through an hour and a half of it. However, much of that is diluted by the fact that the frame rate is woefully inaccurate, often switching between 4:3 and 16:9 at different times. The plot is a senseless mess, the drama is ham-fisted, and I really don’t understand what the point of Lex’s plans was. A lot of it was about catching up and keeping up with the neighbors, and the cost was often the usual in a movie like this: the quality. The Lack of quality hurt this movie and the entire universe. If anything, I would watch it just if there was nothing else on.

Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
This film was an overall mess of contrivances, rushed plots, and unnecessary melodrama, all for the sake of creating gravity and tension. The ending truly frustrates me because I have always believed that Superman is one superhero who should never die. But here is this damn film making me lose all hope! Jesse Eisenberg never struck me as an actor who could pull off Lex Luthor, and he is woefully miscast. Granted, the likes of Henry Cavill, Ben Affleck, and Gal Gadot do their damndest to make this work. However, the overwrought writing and many of the film’s faults make this indubitably unmemorable. I would rather stick with the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited cartoons for awesomely woven storylines in an animated television series format, thank you very much. As for this mess, well, I might as well go chuck this in the phantom zone for good and for all!

(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)

TLOTA:
 Thank you for helping me out with this review.

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Anytime, Oh, don’t forget, next month, James Daniel Walsh is getting everyone together for rehearsals for Celebrity Family Feud. We’ve been invited to participate. 

TLOTA:
I know, and we’re going up against...

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I think we all know who they are, and we will beat them for the site’s charity.

TLOTA:
Well I will rehearse with Rowdy until then, in between Reality Checkout and the rest of the July workload. (Turns to the camera) I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans- 

Antoni Matteo Garcia:
And I’m Antoni Matteo Garcia.

TLOTA and Antoni Matteo Garcia (In Unison):
And that’s our opinion.

"Public Enemies" Number One and two "Superman & Batman"

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators' original run play. The camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Outside of the Live-Action movies, I think I am a little harsh on D.C. Comics and the media they are producing. (Cut to clips of Superman & Lois, The Flash, Supergirl, Legends Of Tomorrow, Black Lightning, and Arrow as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I mean, a lot of their series are good. Arrow had a lot of fantastic episodes. Black Lightning was a good series; part of the reason I'm doing this review is to see if we can get Legends Of Tomorrow back and continue. Melissa Benoist and her Supergirl Series were a big reason I can like Supergirl again. Even though The Flash is still going, I think it has lost a lot of its speed. But a highlight for me is Superman & Lois because it's not a Superman series in the usual sense. It's a drama about a family who had to uproot themselves to discover who they truly are and where they fit in. And for my money, Tyler Hoechlin is KILLING it as Superman and Clark Kent, who have to try and be there for his wife Lois Lane, played by Elizabeth "Bitsie" Tulloch, and twin sons Jonathan and Jordan, played by Jordan Elsass, and Alex Garfin. You need to see the series if you haven't seen it. (Cut to the DC Animated movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Also in this column of really great entertainment which has continued to be of quality work are their straight-to Blu-Ray, DVD & Digital Animated movies. Many of them remain some of my favorites, including Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm, Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker, The Death, and Return Of Superman. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
 There is a movie that forces Superman and Batman to work together to clear their names after a corrupt President Luthor declares them public enemies No. 1 & 2. I'll let you figure out which is which. (Cut to Title Card for Superman/Batman Public Enemies, then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman/Batman Public Enemies is based on the comic book storyline series at the time involving the two and Lex Luthor as the President of our country. And given the Presidents we've been dealing with, He may just be the least evil choice in the history of Presidential Electorates, which is saying something impossible. But what is it that forces Superman and Batman to team up and find out what in the Samuel Langford Hell is going on! And how without question, they have to defy a Government to protect a planet. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's not waste time; this is Superman/Batman Public Enemies! (Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens as we hear about how our country has gone to hell just as Lex Luthor announces his candidacy for the presidency, and yeah, this movie must have had a crystal ball because the people thought the Devil you know is better than the one that screwed you several times over as guess what?! Lex wins in a landslide! He then suggests all the Superheroes sign on to work for him. He gets Black Lightning, played by LeVar Burton,  Captain Atom, played by Xander Berkley, Major Force, played by Ricardo Antonio Chavira, and Power Girl, played by... (Cut to James physically as he looks up and sees who plays Power Girl)

TLOTA:
ONE ORDER OF UNCOMFORTABLENESS, PLEASE! (Cut to stills of Chloe Sullivan from Smallville and Allison Mack as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah, I had to talk about Smallville a few years ago, defending it. I also had to break character to try and handle the situation that Allison Mack, who played Chloe Sullivan on Smallville, was involved in. Once the series ended, she found herself in a career freefall, then found herself in a Sex Cult, and was arrested for trafficking. At the time, I was somewhat hopeful she would be able to get her life and career back on track. While it did take time to do so, and I wished her the best, I was lambasted for it and my defense of the show/loving the finale. That being said, I will try to be as objective in this review as her character and in the movie.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
That being said, let's get back to the review. (Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
 We cut to a few months down the road as things have been looking up as Superman, played by Tim Daly, stops a common crime as Luthor's hired heroes to come by to try to convince Superman that Lex is not as bad. However, after fighting Lex for so long, Superman would rather hang out with The Friggin Joker than trust Lex Luthor! Meanwhile, Lex and the Government discover an asteroid made of Kryptonite that's gonna hit our planet, and judging by the sheer size of the sucker, this one makes the one from Armageddon look tiny in comparison.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since Bruce Willis is now out of action permanently, there's no drilling team to save the day. There are only the heroes of DC to call upon...(Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah, Luthor decides to hold a press conference to see if Superman will help. And it's here Batman voiced by Kevin Conroy, verifies that this Kryptonite asteroid is massive and not even with enough Lead from every Nuclear power plant, Hospital, and every ounce mined out of the earth wouldn't help Superman. So it is with great reluctance that Superman meets with Luthor and his bodyguard Metallo as played by... (Show a pic of John C. McGinley from Scrubs. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Wow, this is actually going to give me the ability to use at least nine years worth of accumulated backlogged hours of Dr. Cox clips.(Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Lex tells Metallo to stop Superman and (Cut to Dr. Cox "Whack-A-Newbie" audio clip as Metallo begins to fight Superman). Metallo has the upper hand, and instead of continuing on the battle (Cut to Dr. Cox audio clip of him saying "Ladies and Gentlemen, Man Not Caring!" then an audio clip of Dr. Cox making a blaring noise as the fight continues. The fight continues as Metallo breaks out the heavy-duty weapons as Dr. Cox says "I guarantee your life will come to an abrupt and very unnatural end". Metallo tosses Superman as the sound of Dr. Cox's disturbing chuckle happens, and Metallo gets up as the Dr. Cox clip of him saying "Hi Honey!") As Superman gets up to try to think of his next move, Metallo hunts Superman as Batman joins the fray. (Show the fight continuing as Dr. Cox Audio clip of him saying, "OKAY! NOW JUST BECAUSE JORDAN THINKS IT'S CUTE THAT YOU'RE VIOLATING HER LITTLE SISTER, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN USE MY GUEST ROOM FOR YOUR NERDY G-RATED SEXCAPADES! AND OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LITTLE BOY? YOU SICK, SICK BASTARD! FILTHY BOY! FILTHY GIRL! FILTHY GIRL!"  Metallo shoots Superman and is stuck with bombs as Dr. Cox audio clip of him whistling "Super" as an explosion happens, and Metallo then buries Superman and Batman.) Batman and Superman are buried as the dialogue between them become almost Tarantino-esque. While I would love to hear a full audio moment of Tim Daly and Kevin Conroy doing the whole Jules and Vincent opening monologues from Pulp Fiction one day, I know where my focus has to be as Metallo is confronted by someone lurking in the shadows. (Show clip of Metallo as the Dr. Cox audio clip of him saying "Worth it" plays. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Wow, that got me... (James looks in a box) EGADS! I only made a small dent in the accumulated backlogged hours of Dr. Cox Clips. Well, here's hoping I find more clips for Dr. Cox to give me pleasure. I can think of one, but I will hold out until the end. (Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Batman and Superman make it back to the Batcave, where Alfred heals them up, and it's there they hear Luthor's latest press conference where he discovered Metallo Barbequed and then puts it squarely on Superman's shoulders, saying somehow The Kryptonite Meteorite's radiation exposure has made him Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and has put a billion dollar bounty on the Man of Steel! Superman and Batman will have to figure out how to stop the meteor while fighting everyone off the bounty, how Metallo bit the dust, and how to clear their names before it becomes too late. Power Girl tries to rationalize how in the years since becoming President, Luthor has done his job. Superman and Batman make it to STAR Labs as they find out that someone with radioactive heat vision is the culprit of Metallo's demise. However, they don't have much time to figure that part out as guards and supervillains come out of the woodwork to get their hands on Superman and Batman. Even the Silver Banshee is out there to get her hands on Superman. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And for those who are wondering why Silver Banshee's sonic screams aren't affecting me... Well, have you seen my reviews where Alex gets angry and fricassees either myself or someone else? (Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

With literally everyone, including Mr. Kitch Nsink coming out to collect the bounty. Captain Atom and the other Luthor-employed heroes come to arrest Superman. However, it's round 428 as Batman must take on Luthor's heroes, and somehow in the process, it's discovered that Major Force was the one to turn Metallo into Slag! Major Force goes on the attack as his suit is ruptured by a punch from Power Girl. Captain Atom absorbs the power before it turns Metropolis into a crater! Meanwhile, Luthor's Missile plans work about as well as Deep Impact did after coming out after Armageddon. Luthor tells the people, not to panic, which is the same as ringing a dinner bell for chaos! Superman and Batman make it to the hideout just as OH NO! NOT SHAZAM AND HAWKMAN?! Didn't they hear from Black Lightning, Katana, or anyone that Superman wasn't the one to 86 Metallo? Whatever is going on, Superman and Batman fight Hawkman and Shazam as Amanda Waller, played by CCH Pounder, discovers that Lex Luthor has been doing some Kryptonite juicing, which has made him go even further round the bend carrying a DecaOctotrillion ton of Crazy with him. However, as Lex tries to talk to Shazam and Hawkman, it is, in fact, Superman and Batman incognito wanting the data on the meteor. However, Luthor deletes it instead. Remember, he's gone cuckoo; on the other hand, Waller had a backup for Batman and Waller's mutual associate. Waller tries to arrest Luthor however, even though he's cuckoo, it doesn't mean he's stupid as he has his Supersuit ready just in case. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Again, this is Lex Luthor we're talking about, so yeah. He would have it at his beck and call. (Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Superman and Batman make it to Japan, where they meet Hiro, AKA The Toyman, to help with stopping the asteroid. Having little time, Hiro puts together a mecha zord combination of Superman and Batman as the device to destroy the asteroid! (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Now imagine that! A Mecha Superman/Batman Zord! That is so many levels of awesome! (Cut to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

But leave it to the Cuckoo train that it is President Lex Luthor to come in and try to stop them. With the autopilot Kaput, Batman decides to make the hero play and launches The SuperBatman Megazord into the asteroid! Pissed that Batman is going to die because of Luthor. The kid gloves come off as Superman, and Luthor fights it out again! Superman knocks Luthor's super suit off in pieces, then tells the President, He's just been impeached! As the Asteroid is reduced to dust, Power Girl tells Superman there is a chance that Batman may have survived, and by may have, that means "Of course, he did!" as Superman helps Batman land the Batjet with Superman Logo on it. The two are cleared of Metallo's murder, Luthor is thrown into prison until he is impeached and imprisoned, and Batman returns to the shadows as Lois and Superman enjoy the first new morning together. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
And that was Superman/Batman Public Enemies. It was awesome, and I loved it. (Cut to clips of Superman/Batman: Public Enemies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While looking like a combo of a Saturday Morning Cartoon and Weekday Afternoon Anime, the animation is awesome. The voice acting is superb, and the action was awesome. The dialogue between Superman and Batman was very well handled, especially since Kevin Conroy, Tim Daly, and Clancy Brown have known their parts for so long that they fit like a glove. If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for? Get it on DVD, Blu-Ray, or even Digital and witness two of DC's greatest defend their names against a President who sold us a bill of goods. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And just so I can get it out of me, that while many of you think the last guy in the office is the reason for everything going to hell. Let me get this out right here, right now, every little thing that is going wrong is happening under the current administration, and BOY, When we choose poorly, we deserve what is happening! So it is here I give you this Dr. Cox clip. (Show clip of Dr. Cox's "I Told You So" Dance. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Man, I've wanted to use that clip. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion!