(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the
statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the
Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season
of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The
Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it,
Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up
on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a
bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British
Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s
Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James
leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews
ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James
punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and
Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with
blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked
then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire
and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the
final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of
the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where
lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from
the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of
the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric
Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his
left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from
the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the
camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of
The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and IT’S
MY SECOND ANNIVERSARY! (Everyone pops out with party favors and confetti as
“Ode To Joy” plays) And you know what? Someone guessed that I’d be reviewing
something I’d never thought of reviewing at all because of one moment at the
end of my first episode of “The Different Cuts” (Show clip of James saying “I’m
James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, That’s my Opinion and the rest of this
year we’re going FULL THROTTLE!” before cutting to see everyone have calmed
down.) That’s right, someone thought I was going to review this! (Cut to title
card of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle as the remix of Charlie’s Angels by
Apollo 440 plays in the background and James does a voiceover over the clips of
the movie)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, kind of surprising but
understandable. “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” isn’t a good movie nor is it
inferior to the first movie which in fact is a continuation of the series that
ran from the 1970’s through the 1980’s and by today’s standards it is schlocky
but for me the series is a fun schlock and is still seen as better than at
least half of what’s on TV nowadays but this movie wasn’t in my sights but
someone kept sending me e-mails saying that they thought this was going to be
my second anniversary review. (Cut to everyone in James’ office.)
TLOTA: But after repeated watching of this movie I now
understand especially after Remembering Shia LaBeouf is in this thing.
Paulo Fonseca: Shia LaBeouf? Aren’t his movies so bad people
actually PAY to see a movie starring Pauly Shore?
TLOTA: Yep
Rebecca Fonseca: Directed by Uwe Boll?
TLOTA: The same one
Eric Kurtzke: Co-Written and co-starring Tommy Wiseau and
Tommy Wiseau is the villain?
TLOTA: You bet.
John Santos: With Rob Schneider as the comedic sidekick?
TLOTA: Oh yeah.
Mike Santos: And Shailene Woodley as the romantic interest?
TLOTA: Oh god yes
Paulo Fonseca: Also co-Written by M. Night Shyamalan?
TLOTA: You are correct sir!
Rebecca Fonseca: With Steven Segal and Adam Sandler as the
Henchman?
TLOTA: Oh Yeah!
Eric Kurtzke: With the soundtrack composed by Rebecca Black
and Alanis Morrissette?
TLOTA: Abso-friggin’-lutely
Renee Miller: Produced by Platinum Dunes and Happy Madison?
TLOTA: And the endless sequels that follow!
Paulo Fonseca: Well we’ve known you long enough to know that
were it up to you “Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” and “The Transformers” movies
would’ve been a whole lot more different.
Rebecca: Plus, We could’ve seen Shia at Burger King flipping
whoppers and we could be laughing at him as the failure of an actor he is!
John Santos: Instead of seeing Christy Romano be there
paying off her Collegiate debts.
TLOTA: Well it doesn’t matter she hates me, she’s married
and that’s the end of it. Now let’s get to see if this movie lives up to the
title it gave itself. This is “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” (Cut to the
movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): As the movie begins in a bar in Outer
Mongolia we see Alex Munday played by Lucy Liu as she tries to rescue U.S.
Marshal Ray Carter played by the T-1000 himself Robert Patrick while Dylan
Sanders played by Drew Barrymore and Natalie Cook played by Cameron Diaz be the
distraction by having Natalie sound Swedish and ride a mechanical bull while
Dylan makes homage to a better movie who’s last installment also had Shia
LaBeouf in it and people still think that Temple Of Doom was MORE Mediocre than
the one WITH Shia LaBeouf in it. But I digress Dylan and Alex try to make a
break for it when a hawk decided to be a Stool Pidgeon! Forcing the Angels to
fly out the window, take an armored vehicle with a Chopper in the trunk but
between a tank and an RPG the Angels think the best solution to the situation
is to fly and to be honest the fluidity of the sequence is great but not as
great as some as I’ve seen. This upsets the mastermind of the operation who
decides to go to Plot Convenience 619: Plan B! After the opening credits
re-introduce the Angels which is totally unnecessary because their characters
was introduced better in the opening credits IN THE FIRST MOVIE! But enough
about that, we soon discover that Natalie and her boyfriend from the first
movie and Alex & Dylan help the two move in but not before this moment (Cut
to showing the Angels dancing to “U Can’t touch this” by M.C. Hammer before
James takes his glasses off and rubbing his forehead and going “UGH” before
cutting back to the movie and James doing his voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Thankfully the move is interrupted as
business calls as they’re called in by who else?
Jason & Pete: Charlie
TLOTA (Voiceover): After being summoned to the office that
had to be rebuilt after being blown sky high in the last movie we meet up with
Bosley played by WAIT A MINUTE?! (Needle scratches a record.) BERNIE MAC?! (Cut
to James physically)
TLOTA: Okay look let’s get one thing straight I do not,
repeat NOT have a bad thing to say about him personally or as a comedian but
WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?! I know Bill Murray is vehemently against being in
sequels after Ghostbusters II but it doesn’t explain why he was a part of both
Garfield movies but that’s beside the point here. Bottom line how do they
explain what’s going on here? (Show the moment Bill Murray’s Bosley image is
shown in the movie and the work “Adopted” with a ding being heard as it cuts to
James physically)
TLOTA: You know something, I watched Kickassia and the
explanation they gave when Spoony reverted from being Insano is something I am
willing to accept but because even though Kickassia left me with a migraine the
answer of “He Got Better” made sense but you know what maybe I’m being too
harsh, who knows maybe Bernie will be funny. (Cut to every clip and Bernie Mac
is sadly NOT funny and the clips end with him crying “This is some Bullshit”
and then cut to James)
TLOTA: You know, I should start expecting something bad whenever
I want something good. (Cut to movie while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Apparently the ring Marshal Carter had
was half of a unique way to keep those who are hidden in “The Witness
Relocation Program” on two encoded rings. One Carter had and the other was by a
brief cameo by Bruce Willis as the look on his face showed he didn’t WANT to be
shot in this movie (Rim shot) when the rings are combined the names of those
hidden are exposed. One victim played by Eric Bogosian was found dead and so
it’s up to Bosley and the Angels to investigate and Oh good fricking grief! (Show
moment when the Angels and Bosley appear as CSI Techs to “Who Are You?” by The
Who as the typed words described which one they’re supposed to be before
cutting to everyone in James’ office with their names as to who they are before
cutting to James getting the words under him reading “Idiot” before grabbing
his double barreled handgun and shoots the title and kills the music as well
before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) After being
escorted in by an officer who I SWEAR TO GOD is played by Sean William Scott
discover their murderer is a surfer. So it’s off to the beach where they meet
with former Angel Madison Lee played by Demi Moore (Cut to a three second cameo
of Chris Lee Moore alias “The Rowdy Reviewer” shouting “NO RELATION!” before continuing
with the movie as James does his voiceover) Meanwhile, Alex has a fantasy as to
what would happen if one or a couple of them decide to move on with their lives
outside of being an Angel and to this movie’s credit it does show what it feels
like to be the one who decided to stay at the same place for too long. But in
the middle of the investigation Alex’s penchant in falling for the wrong guy
leads them to an underground race where the Angels ride with the wrong guy Alex
fell for finds his next target before he gets casted as Sam in the
“Transformers” movies. That’s right this is how we’re introduced to Shia’s
character Max at an underground bike race. However The Thin Man played once
again by Crispin Glover AKA Marty’s Dad from the first “Back To The Future”
movie saves Max’s life and in turn ruins all hope of Cinematic salvation.
Congrats Crispin you must be so proud of yourself! But as they investigate the
corpse they discover one photo in particular that was next on the guy’s hit list.
Natalie: Helen Zass? (Shows Alex the photo with the Name
Helen Zass as it is a stock photo of Drew Barrymore’s character Dylan from the
intro of the first movie as the camera pans over to Dylan and then cutting to
James physically saying “WHUUAAAAT?”)
TLOTA: No seriously What on God’s green earth is going on
around here? (Cut to the movie while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Why is someone who is SUPPOSED to be in
Witness Relocation working as a Private Investigator? Unless you’ve gotten extensive
surgery to basically be recognized by either your fingerprints or DNA check,
getting a job in Law enforcement either in the public or private sector is a
bad idea all around! Ugh either way, Apparently Helen or Dylan or Whoever the
hell she is got recruited by Charlie at the behest of the chief of The FBI and
what was the reason behind her being in Witness Relocation? She hooked up with
Of Course the bad guy! (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of
Course” before cutting back clips of the movie as James continues his
voiceover.) This is Seamus O’Grady played by Justin Theroux and she witnessed a
bad thing Seamus did and she sent him to Maximum Security Prison. So what
exactly is the Angels’ next step? Find out what The Thin Man’s motives are,
protect Max at all costs, Find out who has the Rings, secure the rings, go to
the Winchester, grab a pint and wait for the whole thing to blow over. (Cut to
James physically)
TLOTA: Wait I think I have “Shaun Of The Dead” on the brain.
I need a break to get my head on right.
Mike Santos (Off screen): When has it ever been on right? (A
loud audible THWACK is heard and Mike yells OW!)
TLOTA: Thank you!
John Santos (Off screen): No problem buddy.
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American
Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the
slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial
break intro and return act to the review as clips of the movie play as James
does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So while Dylan was telling them
her/Helen’s backstory Seamus in a “Cape Fear” style moment is released and
given her info. Meanwhile Bosley decides to paint a big ass bulls-eye on Max by
sending him to Compton! All while the Angels get backstory on The Thin Man a
character that doesn’t need backstory as told by Carrie Fisher. (Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA: Seriously Carrie First “Jay & Silent Bob Strike
Back” and now “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” what’s up with you being a Nun?
(Cut to clips of the movie play as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): But after The Thin Man leaves a clue at
the Orphanage that leads to a ship’s pier and a warehouse which just so happens
to be a part of a front for the O’Gradys and the workers that work for them
like to enjoy their down time. So they join The Pussycat Dolls when they were a
Dance Troop and not what I call a “Few Hit Wonder” musically and to be honest,
I needed a cold shower after watching that moment but not after that we got
probably the lamest moment in Bernie Mac’s career. (Show clip of Bernie Mac
trying to be a black Irishman before cutting to the audio of that moment being
replayed as James takes off his glasses, moves the chair out of frame and
proceeds to wipe clean the area of the wall behind him and bang his head on the
same place he did four months ago before cutting back to the movie while James continues
his voiceover) But The Angels get into the warehouse where the Rings are being
stored as Seamus comes in and as he says his lines I feel like I need a
translator! (Cut to every clip of Seamus speaking with mistranslated lines as
James translated the lines as such “Hutt’s The Thrush Ellen”? ”Five the homely
fun ears shoe nose to”? “I hot sue hey
Ellen av nether haunted to wore”? “File any tray au haunt”? “Guv mi the rinds”?
“Ya can’t Burt me an knee nor Ellen”? “I’m gonna touch you and your fridge the
menning of pen”? “On gun now pill ten, tusk sole Hugh can ear then screan”? “I
recone eyes hat sarse any aire you pace of shine”? Before cutting back to James
doing a voiceover the movie) But they lose the rings to the O’Gradys and after
a fairly good action sequence The Angels regain the rings and bolt out of dodge
but not before Seamus I think threatens Dylan and The Angels I can’t say
definitely because his Irish brough is as thick as Potato Stew. But whatever
Seamus did say to Dylan has scared her so badly she hightails out of Dodge.
Meanwhile the two remaining Angels and Bosley hands the rings to Marshal Carter
when Bosley inadvertently discovers Carter is in on the deal and possibly the
mastermind. So they tail him and get the info “She-Spies” style as we find
Dylan heading as far away from the situation as possible by going to the area
of Mexico in which Tequila is made and hide there but on her way at a café she
is visited by the spirit of Kelly Garrett played once again by Jaclyn Smith who
convinces her that not only to go back to the Angels but also convinced her
that she was worthy of being an Angel for some reason I’ve got no reason why
they threw it into her character arc in this movie outside of Drew Barrymore
being a producer in this movie wanting Dylan to mean something else or
something and they also added in that she figured out who the mastermind truly
is. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And who can it be? Anyone care to bet?
(Cut to the lobby)
John Santos: I’m betting it’s the Marshal.
Mike Santos: I’m betting it’s Max.
Eric Kurtzke: I think if I were a betting man and using this
movie’s ability to setup something with less than intelligent decisions being
made I believe my choice is Madison Lee!
Paulo Fonseca: Are you serious or are you loco in La Cabeza?
Eric Kurtzke: Think of the scene where Madison and The
Angels meet for the first time. (Cut to the clip Eric mentioned while doing a
voiceover.)
Eric Kurtzke (Voiceover): You can tell by the color of the
Bikinis, the foreshadowing dialogue in Cantonese of the two of them saying
“Bring It On”. (Cut to the Lobby)
Eric Kurtzke: It is the most logical choice.
Rebecca Fonseca: Well, if I trust your judgement. I’ll side
with you and so will Paulo.
Paulo Fonseca: And if he’s wrong.
Rebecca Fonseca: We’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it.
Renee Miller: Same here, I’m going with Eric’s choice! (Cut
to James doing a voiceover clips of the movie)
TLOTA: And it appears as Natalie and Alex have got Marshal
Carter where they want him as he’s killed by the true mastermind of this whole thing……..MADISON
LEE! (Dramatic musical sting as scene cuts to John and Mike Santos groan and
Renee Miller, Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca and Eric Kurtzke Celebrate in the
lobby.)
Renee Miller: So what did we win? (Cut to James in his
office)
TLOTA: Nothing, No money was at stake, No actual wager was
made. It was just me jokingly asking and I can’t play the clip of Mark Hamill
as The Joker shouting about having to explaining the joke so there was no joke
being made because it’s been four months since I last used it and according to
Internet Reviewers union mandate if I use the same gag more than once in six
months than it’d cost me quite a bit of cash. (Everyone groans in sadness as
James shouts “SHUT UP!” then goes back to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So Dylan tries to sneak attack but winds
up slammed into the wall. The three confront Madison who now sports twin gold
plated desert eagles sends the Angels back to heaven as it were and Madison
makes her way to the office. There we get some backstory as to why she is the
way she is and then Charlie (Show clip of Madison destroy the speakerphone) is
relieved of making more Angels. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And you know makes this moment even harder to make a
joke about was the fact that this John Forsythe’s final role before he passed
away. I feel bad about that. (Cut to The movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile the Angels recover from being
shot thanks to custom made bulletproof vests and piece together what Madison is
up to with the data hidden in the rings. So it’s up to disguise and deception
to get rid of at least 95 percent of the gangsters except for the O’Gradys who
find themselves in a brawl alongside Madison Lee against the Angels, but help
comes from an unlikely source (Show clip “The Thin Man” opening a can of
Whoop-Ass on the O’Gradys alongside the Angels) That’s right! Crispin Glover’s
“The Thin Man” is working WITH the Angels to put the O’Gradys until Seamus
plays Shish-kabob with the guy. So while Natalie is duking it out with Madison,
Seamus and Dylan end their past once and for all! All thanks to the letter E!
Meanwhile after being constantly unfunny in this movie Bosley plays baseball
with the bomb and blasts it out of the park. After shaking off Alex & Dylan
Natalie and Madison have a brief battle and it looks like Madison is about to
send an angel to be with Charlie until from out of nowhere Dylan and Alex
double team Madison and all three angels united send Madison Lee the former
Angel straight to hell! No I’m not even kidding. She fires a shot in the dark
hoping to kill them after falling through the floor hitting a gas line and
explodes into a fiery chasm straight to the depths of hell!
Dylan: She is SO fired!
TLOTA (Voiceover): With the rings finally secured and the
bad guys dealt with, The Angels go to a movie premiere that was so poorly
set-up I swear Uwe Boll wrote this set-up. (Cut to the ending in which Dylan is
alone as Natalie and Pete decide to get a puppy, Alex’s dad is Okay with her
being a Private Investigator and she reunites with Jason and everyone gets a
happy ending. Before cutting to James physically.)
TLOTA: So that’s Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. A movie
that does NOT live up to its title. (Cut to clips of “Charlie’s Angels: Full
Throttle” with the theme remixed by Apollo 440 while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): The action is finely paced, the acting is
decent even I’ve got nothing bad to say about Shia’s performance this time
around, but the dialogue is dull, the comedy falls flatter than a pancake, and
a lot of the situations feels forced and remember when Lindsay Ellis said that
the first movie made her believe that “Feminism had failed” well had she seen
this one she would’ve believed that this franchise has failed and that failure
is what haunted the revival series made a few years back. Yeah there was an
attempt to revive the franchise again a few years ago and failed miserably and
we can thank the sequel that tried to send the Angels to where they had to go
“Full Throttle” but instead forced the gas right out of its engine. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and (A
Knock on the door is heard) that’s my opinion. One second. (James walks to the
front door to discover WWE Superstar Sheamus is at the front door.)
Sheamus: So you had a problem with the Irish Brough now
didn’t ya? Well, allow me to educate ya! (James takes a Brough Kick to the face
knocking him to the floor and Sheamus proceeds to beat James into hamburger.)
John Santos (Off-Screen): Hey Fella! (Cut to John on top of
the couch dressed as “The Real American Homeboy)
John Santos: Get ready to feel the fury of THE REAL AMERICAN
HOMEBOY! (John takes a flying leap as Sheamus takes a step back and grab John
by his Ponytail)
Sheamus: Let me tell ya something “Real American Homeboy” Do
ya know what’s at the end of a Pony’s tail? YOU YA HORSE’S ASS! (Proceeds to
swing John by his Ponytail and toss him into Mike Santos & Rebecca Fonseca who
were about to attack Sheamus dressed as The Twelfth Doctor and Clara Oswald and
Paulo Fonseca and Renee Miller dressed as the Tenth Doctor and Martha Jones.
Eric Kurtzke tries the Vulcan Nerve Pinch only for Sheamus to grab Eric’s hand
and dislocate his right arm. James gets back up and Sheamus has his hands on
his throat only for James to croak out something.) What did ya say? Your American
is as piss poor as your attempt to be funny making fun of me accent ya sack of
shite.
Lea Michele (Audio Only): What my boyfriend is saying is the
following! (Sheamus drops James to turn around and see Lea Michele)
Lea Michele: ORAC! Delta level defense.
ORAC (Audio only): Unfortunately Delta levels can be
obtained by aiming a Sonic Screwdriver at the target in question.
Sheamus: And it’s a shame.
Lea Michele: For you, because guess what I’ve got? Answer: A
Sonic Screwdriver! (Lea Michele aims her Sonic Screwdriver at Sheamus hitting
him with enough electrical current to knock out a thirty ton Rhino and Lea
picks James up)
TLOTA (With a harshness in his voice): Well thanks Lea, One
moment. (James turns away and coughs out the harshness in his voice)
TLOTA: Sorry about that. You have a very good habit of
saving my backside. (James and Lea Kiss)
Lea Michele: Comes with the territory. Oh listen a
Government agent tried to force me into convincing you to shut down production
but I gave him the slip.
TLOTA: Good, but what do we do with him? (Cut to a dumpster
outside of James’ office)
TLOTA (Audio only): On three! One! Two! Three! (Sheamus is
tossed into the dumpster before cutting to James and everyone else.)
Lea Michele: Say How about I take you guys to the Hospital?
Everyone else: Sounds good! (Lea walks and everyone else
limps away from the Dumpster. Cut to the Dumpster as Sheamus sits up and phases
through the Dumpster and morphs into the Government Agent played by Eric
Kurtzke.)
The Government Agent: On this site’s next transmission we
end “The Last Of The Americans” for good and then everyone else will fall!
