Showing posts with label Christopher Meloni. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christopher Meloni. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 20, 2023

"SVU" GONE CUCKOO!

(Scene begins with a black background as words start to come to light, saying "The Last Of The Americans" and a voiceover done by James Faraci saying, "In the Internet Reviewer community, The people who review are expressing opinions based on what they have seen and experienced, and there are those with similar opinions, This is one of their voices." Clanging noises are heard, and fade cut into The Studio where James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, works as James Faraci walks in dressed as a Detective and Eric Kurtzke as a Police Inspector)

Det. Faraci (Played by James Faraci):
Detective Faraci and Inspector Kurtzke, What have we got? (Cut to the Forensic Scientist played by Brenda Fonseca)

The Forensic Scientist:
One suicide, mass murder. 

Insp. Kurtzke (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Let's check out what they watched and search for the 9 MM. Handgun.

Det. Faraci:
How do you know it's a 9 MM.?

Insp. Kurtzke:
Judging by the trajectory and entry wound through the heads, a noticeable amount of how quickly they dropped, I would have to say it was a 9 MM round that was modified to take out five out of the six in one shot. The Shooter then turned the gun on himself based on the blood spatter, and the trajectory of the final bullet was upwards as opposed towards the outside wall. (The CSI team turns on the TV as the head of the team, played by Ed Champion, shouts for Inspector Kurtzke and Detective Faraci. Everyone watches and then looks away in horror and disgust.)

Det. Faraci:
Turn that TV off! No wonder this happened. The pandering to its audience was a possible reason for the mental trauma of the victims and the gunman.

Inspector Kurtzke:
It is a possible and plausible justifiable on this one. SHUT THAT TV OFF NOW!

 (Fade to black Cut to "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" style opening credits with shots of Sullivan County with credits reading "Starring James Faraci," "Paulo Fonseca," "Rebecca Yaun," "John Santos," "Mike Santos," "Nick Yaun," "Renee Miller," "Olivia Horvath," "Ed Champion," "Andrew Beach" with the performers doing standing poses with the last shot being the Monticello NY Government Building. Cut to the Logo of  "The Last Of The Americans" in Law & Order style text. Cut to James and Team TLOTA standing in the Main Lobby. Cut to the Neversink Reservoir as the words "Written by James Faraci" while a soundalike to the "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" main theme. Fade to black and cut to James in his office taking off his Detective garb and his usual clothing)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to the Opening Credit scene of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" then clips of seasons 21-24 "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" play as the "Law & Order: SVU" theme song plays in the foreground James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The last time I reviewed "Law and Order: SVU," The series was on solid ground. Then the past few seasons happened, and now it's safe to say the series has started to go off the rails and is barely keeping it together. But besides the usual duct tape and the little glue holding what's left of the series together. But is what's happening now a product of the loss of intelligence of the human race, or is it just pandering to the lowest denominator of human intelligence to get the best ratings in a world where terrestrial TV viewings are being supplanted by how many times it's being streamed and how many people are watching it streaming? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's see if this is highlighting or trying to stop the further erosion of Western civilization as we dive into seasons 21-24 of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit." (Cut to clips of Season 21 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Season 21 starts with a subtle nod to its status as the longest-running show and the series it eclipsed. The long-running western "Gunsmoke." Meanwhile, Detective Dominic "Sonny" Carisi has traded his shield and gun for a briefcase and a prescription of antacids as he becomes the new A.D.A. for his old friends at the Special Victims Unit. During all of this, Sir Tobias Moore, played by "Deadwood" actor Ian McShane is having his way with an ingenue. He is eventually arrested for what he's done. It's not without repercussions as Chief Dodds, who has been the Chief of the SVU since Season 16, is exiled to Staten Island. The caveat is that he'll accept exile to Staten Island if Lt. Olivia Benson is promoted to Captain! That's right, if she isn't in charge of her old unit, she is now! As the season progresses, more changes are present; with Carisi the A.D.A., a gap needs to be filled. Enter Plain Clothes Officer Katriona Tamin, played by Jamie Gray Hyder, and a new chief of detectives in the form of Christian Garland, played by Demore Barnes. Meanwhile, Olivia's son Noah has traded in his baseball glove and bat for a pair of point shoes as he tries his hand at dancing. And I like that the writers decided to play towards Noah's Actor, Ryan Buggle's strengths. The fall season finale and winter season premiere are not only a two-part episode; it's an obvious nod to the Jeffrey Epstein case, and personally, I'm glad he's gone and paying for his sins while burning in hell. During this season, Simon Marsden, played by Michael Weston, meets his nephew, Noah Porter-Benson, and his half-sister, Captain Olivia Benson. (Cut to clips of "Simon Marsden" in the episodes of past seasons of SVU as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I might not have mentioned this for either time or lack of remembrance. Still, in the earlier seasons, Olivia discovered that she has a half-brother named Simon Marsden. During those episodes, Murphy's Law followed Olivia Benson as she was nearly forced to leave Elliot and SVU, almost costing Olivia her badge and career to help him keep his kids from ACS. (Cut to clips of Season 21 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Eventually, the worst happens to Simon in his last appearance this season as he dies. Initially, the final three episodes of this season would have Olivia investigate Simon's death and realize that her message to her brother was never heard because he was already dead by this point. It would've led into part of the new season, a new series they've been developing, and a revival of the original series. However, since season 21 started in 2019 and went into 2020, The Pandemic and Covid put the kibosh on what would've been a perfect season finale. Instead, Season 21 ends with The Tobias Moore trial having stalled out, Odafin Tutuola having to do what he had to do to protect a woman and her son by putting a monster who is also an abusive boyfriend and father to the Woman's son out of this world and was willing to kill them both but now Fin's career is in danger, and the world as a whole has now been thrown into chaos. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now, I understand that real-world events have to play a part in this series, but there must also be a point at which Common Sense has to come into play with the series' writers. I hope it'll be there in the next season, and the SVU will try to appease those with common sense. Let's dive into Season 22 of "SVU" and see if people can use their heads during the worst point in human history. (Cut to clips of Season 22 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So the season opens up with a Kate Gosselin type of Woman claiming a black man is about to rape her and her daughter when everyone stumbles across a victim which the Kate Gosselin type of Woman blames what has happened on the guy, and even though everything had pointed to him being innocent. Citizens now wanted to see the people be protected FROM the police as that summer was hell, and of course, the Pandemic didn't help. What is even worse is that even though everything was done within the book, Chief Garland isn't happy that things have gone down, and believe it or not, Garland believes this is racial bias and claims Captain Olivia Benson, who has never been even remotely racist, who has worked with Fin who is black, Chester Lake who is Native American and Nick Amaro who is Cuban/Hispanic, IS UNDER THE BELIEF THAT SHE IS AS RACIST AS A MEMBER OF THOSE KNUCKLEHEADED CLUCKING ASSHOLES! UGH! Well, things get even worse as the case in the episode crumbles, tensions grow, and everything gets worse. By the second episode, Carisi has a better case he can try to win. Apparently, things with Fin's problem case have him deposition his view of events. While a settlement is made, Fin feels like he is no different than a gun-toting thug, which is the last thing he ever WAS! He's been an army ranger and a law-abiding badass! He's been a good law officer, and now he's regretting ever picking up a badge?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
One moment! (James walks away, and then we hear a bunch of loud shattering and cursing as the camera captures the noise of James' anger and roar, then more actions as James walks back, looking a little more red and disheveled. Cut to clips of Season 22 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So we are just TWO episodes in, and if you were new to the series, then the impression that you get is that Olivia Benson is a KKK member and Fin is someone who would put Ted Nugent to shame for all the bullets he's used to blasting bad guys WHEN IT WAS NEVER THE CASE WITH THE TWO AND THE NYPD ARE NOTHING BUT HIRED MURDERERS TO THOSE POOR INNOCENT CRIMINALS! ARUGH! While the season is just sixteen episodes long, the shortest the series has ever had, this season is a drag to sit through! While yes, Kat Tamin is eventually given her Detective status this season, and things do pick up by the fall finale and into the winter premiere as 2021 rolls in, Raphael Barba returned this time as a Defense Attorney in the first of a multiple episode return arc which would have him take on Carisi in the courtroom. And a significant victory for those who have been victimized by the corrupted members of the justice system as Carisi takes down a corrupted judge who was racist and sexist and running for Attorney General. However, these bits of good would ultimately be tested in the episode "Return of The Prodigal Son"! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
And based on what this season has been like, it will have someone legitimately guilty of rape using the Double Jeopardy standard to get himself out of jail and get away with raping again. The SVU squad realizes it's utterly hopeless, and a legacy character returns, helps them get the guy and has him put away for good, and the Squad realizes, "Hey! The Law can work to protect the real innocent and punish those who are really guilty! WHAT A CONCEPT!" But let's get into the episode proper. (Cut to "Return Of The Prodigal Son" intro as Olivia discovers Kathy Stabler's injured body from a car bomb and Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson reunite as all the "Hallelujah"s from Handel's Messiah playing in the foreground and James shrieks in joy! Cut to "Return Of The Prodigal Son" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.):
YES! AFTER ALMOST A DECADE AWAY FROM HIS ICONIC CHARACTER! CHRISTOPHER MELONI RETURNS AS DETECTIVE ELLIOT STABLER! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And my reaction was, "Cool." (Cut to clips of "Return Of The Prodigal Son" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While fans were welcoming of Elliot's return, myself included, after watching a mostly tepid season of episodes that range from anger-inducing to attacks that leave you feeling like the whole thing was a waste of time. Elliot, for all intents and purposes, returned just at the right time and gave the series a new breath of life. Now, having said that, let's dive into the plot itself. The episode begins as Captain Benson is on her way to an award ceremony for her when a 10-13 is called in and discovers the victim of a car bomb attack is Kathy Stabler. And since Kathy is there, Oh Hai Elliot! While the SVU team takes the lead on the Kathy Stabler case, everyone who wasn't a part of the first twelve seasons (Basically everyone in the cast outside of Mariska and Ice-T) tries to see who wanted to kill Kathy or Elliot and see what either Fin or Olivia knows about Stabler. The only one who knows how Elliot returned to the job is Elliot because HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING SINCE LEAVING "SVU." He tells Fin about what he's been doing, how he regained his Detective badge, and what he was doing in New York in the first place, while Fin tells Elliot about Olivia and Noah. Kathy is doing well. However, as the case goes on, the worst happens as Kathy Stabler becomes the Woman in the fridge to springboard Elliot into his own series. (Cut to "Law & Order Organized Crime" clips as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
"Law & Order: Organized Crime," and there are crossover episodes between this series and "SVU" throughout it's run; my thoughts on that series are fantastic. I love Sgt. Bell, played by Danielle Mone Truitt, and Jet Slootmaekers, is amazing and played by Ainsley Seiger. While the rest of the secondary detectives is slowly coming together, I like the single-arc episodes that have the same flare as the "Chicago" series, which is also produced by Dick Wolf as well as the CBS FBI series and the success of "Organized Crime" helped surprisingly breath a breath of fresh air to "SVU." (Cut to clips of Season 22 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The problem is that for the rest of this season of "SVU," everyone worries that Elliot's return would somehow diminish EVERYTHING OLIVIA BENSON, BOTH POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE, HAS GONE THROUGH! (Cut to the clip of The late great Tony Stark in "Captain America: Civil War" as he shouts, "GIVE ME A BREAK!" Cut to clips of Season 22 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Everything Olivia has been through since Elliot Stabler left made her a better officer, detective, superb commanding officer, and a fantastic mom to Noah! Elliot's return has had NO NEGATIVE EFFECTS ON WHERE SHE IS NOW! But I digress; while there is a crossover with "Organized Crime" that does effectively give Olivia closure on the events with her half-brother Simon Marsden. The rest of the season does slightly get better, especially when a young criminal who was put in the funny farm for being psychotic back in Amaro & Rollins' second season got out by playing the sanity card when, in reality, the little punk should've been sent away for life in a prison cell! The season ends thankfully with a happy ending as it appears everyone had survived the long night of madness that swept the season at an event that was going to be a wedding but turned into a full-on celebration for everyone. Even Elliot stops by, and fans get a surprise as Amanda Rollins and Dominic "Sonny" Carisi fall in love, FINALLY, AFTER YEARS OF ROMANTIC BANTER BETWEEN THE TWO, and things may start off better than before. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And with the surprise success of "Organized Crime" and renewed invigoration towards "SVU," NBC decided to revive the Original "Law & Order" with Jack McCoy, played by Sam Waterston, returning full-time, and Detective Kevin Bernard, played by Anthony Anderson, who returned as a passer of the torch to the new guys which included Jeffrey Donovan, Camryn Manheim, Hugh Dancy, and Odelya Halevi in the first season back. But how would that change things in "SVU?" Partly for the better and a little for the worse. (Cut to clips of Season 23 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Season 23 opens the same night at the end of the celebration, as someone deliberately tries to kill Captain Benson, and all the hints point towards "Organized Crime" main antagonist at this point, who is the mastermind who organized Kathy Stabler's murder, Richard Wheatley played by Dylan McDermott. However, as the cold opening of the two-part episode continues, we see what Elliot would look like throughout ninety-five percent of the Fall season on "Organized Crime" until Wheatley's trial in the fall finale of both "SVU" & "Organized Crime." In the meanwhile, fallout from the season finale's case. In one instance, Chief Garland's job is threatened if they can't legitimately solve the case. While that is going on, we're introduced to another new undercover detective in Joe Velasco, played by Octavio Pisano, and I am actually liking his character development as he brings something, not even Nick Amaro did when he joined the "SVU" his own shoes to the mix. He knew that he would be judged for not being one of his predecessors, including Munch, Carisi, Amaro, and of course, Elliot Stabler. But the mere fact is that he was cognizant of his predecessors and is doing his thing to catch the bad guys and rescue the good ones, which makes him excellent in my books. However, as excellent as Velasco is, it can't help the inevitable as Kat Tamin turns in her shield and gun, Chief Garland is fired and replaced by Chief McGrath, played by Terry Serpico, and right from the start, fans HATED HIS STINKIN' GUTS! By the end of the season premiere, he's talking like no one knows at Captain Benson's SVU doesn't know how to do their job. By the end of one episode, McGrath plays both the racial bias and the police officer's matter over citizens' cards, and Captain Olivia Benson finally tells that Jack-Ass where he stands. (Show clip of Olivia Benson telling Chief McGrath where he stands on how Rape Cases work and that EVERY VICTIM MATTERS! And if he involves himself in any future case, not only will she quit, she'll make his life a living hell! Show a black background with the words in white text "Moral Of The Clip? Do something stupid in Captain Olivia Benson's Eyes' YOUR ASS IS GRASS!" Cut to clips of Season 23 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
By the fall finale of both "SVU" AND "Organized Crime" which is a crossover, Wheatley's trial for the murder of Kathy Stabler is underway, and in the corner of the people is ADA Dominic "Sonny" Carisi Jr., representing the murderous mastermind of Kathy Stabler is Rafael Barba! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
The first question I need to ask is, WHY?!? (Cut to Rafael Barba's reasoning as to why he is defending Richard Wheatley as the "BULLSHIT" and "UNBELIEVABLE BULLSHIT" signs from "Airplane II: The Sequel" is intercut between his pauses. Cut to clips of Season 23 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As the episode crosses over to "Organized Crime," Barba got Wheatley off of murdering Kathy Stabler! When that happened, and Elliot got that news while with his kids and two grandsons for a holiday shindig, my reaction was swift and righteous; RAFAEL BARBA WAS DEAD TO ME! Ugh! As "SVU," "Organized Crime," and now the returning Original series heading for their respective final episodes for their seasons. Things get better. Especially in a moment that is only available if you digitally recorded this moment because it's not on YouTube or anywhere else now unless you look somewhere because there is a moment in which Olivia Benson, while celebrating Mother's Day with Noah, FINALLY meets with Elliot Stabler. And to be honest, I really hope there are more fun moments between Noah and Elliot. I can only imagine some of the stories Elliot would tell Noah, like when he and his mom had to deal with certain things from a decade before he was born by Ellie Porter and then adopted by Olivia. But as the season continues, it feels like they are reeking of pandering to the audience by having ten-year-old Noah admit his truth to his mom, and I am fine he did. The season ends with Olivia pondering where she stands with this world and SVU as we possibly get the final legal faceoff between Barba and Carisi, with Carisi getting the minor victory against his former mentor and the a-hole who got Richard Wheatley off of murdering Kathy Stabler. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And now we come to the most recent season. But this season premiere didn't just have its own episode; it's a three-hour crossover between this series, the returning original series for its latest season, and the new season of "Organized Crime." But the title of the crossover actually gave me inspiration to talk about it in a unique way. (James pulls out a guitar and starts to strum the rhythm portion of the song "Gimme Shelter" by the Rolling Stones as John Ross Santos plays the lead, Mike Santos is on the drums, Ed Champion on the keyboards, Paulo Fonseca on guitar and Vocals with Brenda Fonseca and Miranda Ellis on backing vocals with Miranda Ellis on guitar as it cuts to clips of the "Law & Order" Trinity season opener "Gimme Shelter" plays in the background.)

Paulo Fonseca (Singing):
Ooh, the war is breaking between Russia and Ukraine! New York, New York is Shelter, till a refugee's blown away! (Brenda and Miranda join in): LAW & ORDER! All Teams join the case to try and save the day! LAW & ORDER! You're just a step away! It's just a step away! 

Brenda Fonseca and Miranda Ellis (Vocalizing):
Heyy! (Blusy Guitar solo by John Ross Santos)

Paulo Fonseca (Singing):
Ooh, they get a name now, ooh, bad guy, his name! His name is Sirenko; set up a hotel bomb today!(Brenda and Miranda join in): LAW & ORDER! The hotel goes Boom today! Sirenko gets away. LAW & ORDER! You're just a step away! It's just a step away!

Brenda Fonseca and Miranda Ellis (Vocalizing): 
Heyy! 
(Blusy Guitar solo by John Ross Santos, and Miranda Ellis starts to join in to duel in the solo department before Miranda goes for the microphone)

Miranda Ellis (Singing):
HEY! OH ELLIOT! Your insider's time; it's up today! HEYY! The Caa-ase! It's about to go on trial today. The head man revealed today! HEYY! The na-aame! Rublev is arrested today; he almost got away HEYY! (Blusy Guitar solo by John Ross Santos)

Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca and Miranda Ellis (Singing):
Ooh, The Trial begins, and everything is going to hell today! Safehouse, ain't so safe as Amanda is gunned down today (Brenda and Miranda join in): LAW & ORDER! Rollins survives barely, Price gets a-angry, Witness in Canada(Eh!), Deals not-a happening, Rublev is blown away! 

Paulo Fonseca (Singing):
Sirenko's op rolled up, Benson lied, and Frank told his daughter the world's a scary place! (Brenda and Miranda join in): It might be safe her way, but ain't the right of way, right of way, right of way! (The song continues until the song reaches its ending if it was performed live.)

TLOTA:
Ladies and Gentlemen, on the lead vocals and guitar; Mr. Paulo Fonseca, On the Lead guitar; John Ross Santos, On the drums; John's brother Michael, On the Bass Guitar; Andrew "Venice" Beach, On the keyboards; Ed "Grand" Champion and give it up for the ladies singing back-up Brenda Fonseca and Miranda Ellis. Miranda is also an accomplished guitarist and musician, and I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and...Yeah, I just wanted to use this song to set things up for the rest of the most recent season of "Law & Order: SVU" (Cut to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After the three-hour crossover season premiere, all three series settle into normal mode. Except for Amanda, she's been having issues since the shooting. While everyone supports her recovery, it's clear that Amanda is on her way out. And as much as I don't want to bring in behind-the-scenes drama, I have to address the elephant in the room, and that is contract negotiations between actress Kelli Gidish and the showrunners broke down during contract negotiations; While there were no hard feelings between her and the other cast members Kelli decided to gracefully leave the series in the fall finale. In the said fall finale, quite a bit happens; Amanda and Dominic Carisi decide to do the legal ceremony, Amanda tells Olivia that there's an associate professorship with her knowledge of criminal intelligence, and she is a shoo-in for that job, the caveat, of course, is that she has to resign from "SVU," in addition to that we get a subtle nod as to what we'll see in a three-part Winter Finale as we see the BX9 tag on Olivia's apartment (A reference to a gang I failed to mention due to lack of time in the original review, Sorry about that.) and a surprise that even shocks me! (Cut to the clip of Noah Porter-Benson as he tells his mom that he befriended someone who ran a DNA test to discover his friend is actually his brother! Cut to a still of Olivia Benson as she looks surprised about what Noah told her! Cut to James as he is trying to rationalize what he's heard. Cut to still photos of Noah as he gets to the age he's currently while different filters and James says "What?!?!?!" repeatedly for fifteen seconds before static cuts to James in a straightjacket with a disturbed smile on his face and a muzak version of the "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" theme song is playing. Static cuts to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I'm sorry, but WHAT IS GOING ON? How much does Noah know? Does he know about John Drake and fully understand what happened to Ellie Porter and discover that she was his birth mom? Could this be a setup from some other relative that the writers are pulling out of their collective tuchuses? Well, We do meet the family, and to Olivia's surprise, they're actually a loving family and welcoming to both Noah and Olivia! While Olivia is a little apprehensive about Noah's brother's family, Noah accepts them from the word go. In the middle of the upstate trip, Olivia discovers something not kosher, and it's not with the family. It's at the hotel that she notices something is off, and in "SVU," if something is off, then there is something that Olivia can solve; Amanda joins her in putting the Perpetrator away, but after the victory, Amanda tells Olivia the news she wouldn't expect. Amanda is leaving "SVU" in order to take a job as a Professor in Criminal Study, thankfully NOT at Hudson University. But as Amanda rides into the sunset with Carisi still the ADA, it's now up to see who is coming in. First up is Detective Churlish, played by Jasmine Batchelor, who reminds me of Millie's deaf friend from "Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot." Next up is Detective Bruno, played by Kevin Kane, and finally is Detective Grace Muncie, played by Molly Burnett. And of all of them, Muncie had the most screen time. But I digress; following the fall finale and the loss of Amanda Rollins, a gang that was of note a few seasons ago called BX9 has come back in full force, this time attacking Olivia in front of Noah. In a three-week multi-part episode, the SVU team meets with a Bronx Sex Crimes to help clean their house up, and it's here that Detective Bruno joins Benson's SVU. Speaking of Benson, there was a moment that was teased that fans were salivating over, which amounted to nothing. As the season continues, Tutuola has to deal with his past again, in which they briefly referenced retired Sgt. John Munch without mentioning him, and sadly the next episode, which was Directed by Mariska Hargitay and had some of the series' best imagery, would be dedicated to John Munch's actor. Earlier this year, in the south of France, Richard Belzer passed away after another battle with cancer at the age of 78. The cast and crew were devastated, but thankfully, we have his legacy of being the Snarky and Conspiritous John Munch. The season ends in a multi-part crossover with "Organized Crime," in which Detective Muncy can make up for a whopper of a mistake she made in one case earlier this season. However, from this point forward, it's crossover with "Organized Crime" time. Elliot and the Organized Crime Control Bureau bring Amanda Rollins on as a consultant. Apparently, there is a website that is about getting away with crimes like Rape and Murder, and not only is it about getting away with it, they auction off people to be killed or even less horrible crimes to happen to them, and if they have a "selfie" showing that the job was done. However, when they finally meet the mastermind behind the website, he is just some poor kid who feels like an outsider, so to give his life purpose, he came up with a site to give people a chance to take their frustrations out by either raping and or murdering people?!(Cut to a clip of Kurt Russell in "The Thing" as he says, "You've Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me!" Cut to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I actually admit this is a nice twist, the twist I found myself shaking my head, wondering if these writers weren't just pulling one of my legs, but both of them, as Olivia, never opened the gift that Noah's Half Brother's adopted family gave her because she thinks there's something off about them because they come off as a "Normal Family"! (Cut to the Doctor Who clip with the Cyberman as it asks, "Is this the human condition known of madness, leader?" with the Cyber Leader replying, "It is!" Cut to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Olivia Benson was a product of a Rape, and while yes, that may have distorted her views on family life. That doesn't mean that under the surface of the picture-perfect family, there's an issue with the dad being a raging alcoholic and failure at the age of forty, the mom being a complete Kate Gosselin, and Junior and Missy are hoping that some adult can put the pieces together to call ACS and have the parents arrested and they wind up in a foster home! Sometimes people and events are as good as they appear to be. It's not a crime to find that bright side of life, Olivia. If you have a bright side of your life, IT'S FRIGGIN NOAH! YOU WERE THERE WHEN HE WAS A FEW MONTHS OLD AND SOLD TO CHILD PORN PRODUCERS! YOU FOUGHT FOR HIM TO FIND A GOOD HOME, EVEN IF IT WASN'T WITH YOU! YOU FOUND HIS BIRTHMOM WHILE WORKING ON A CASE! AND YES, WHEN ELLIE PORTER WAS BBQ'D AT THE HAND OF HER HANDLER, THE JUDGE MADE A GOOD DECISION TO MAKE YOU NOAH'S MOTHER! SINCE THEN, YOU HAVE BECOME BETTER THAN YOU WERE WHEN YOU ONLY HAD THE JOB AND ELLIOT TO LEAN ON! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
OY VEY! I haven't been this frustrated in my life! (Cut to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Eventually, Olivia is hurt as a hit is attempted. With Olivia and Elliot out, the rest of the SVU and Organized Crime teams find the site's mastermind. One detective is wounded and then dies from those wounds, and after some more moments, that finally leads to getting the site shut down, and, regretfully, the site mastermind spends the rest of his days in a prison cell; Detective Muncy leaves SVU for better pastures, and Elliot tells Liv he's heading out for another OCCB undercover case. But not before giving Olivia one last reminder of him and opening that gift from Noah's Half Brother's family that is "Live, Laugh and Love," which Elliot adjusts by taking the "E" out of the Live portion, thus making it "Liv, Laugh, and Love" subtle touch. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Which is more than I can say about these past few seasons. They've been as subtle as well, 2020! (Cut to clips of Season 24 of "Law & Order Special Victims Unit" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
How this series has fallen in the four years since I last talked about this show is incredible! I am buffaloed about how one of the best shows on TV went downhill like this. This series was about protecting true love and romance from those that wish to sully itself by calling what scum do "Business as usual" when it is, in fact, RAPE! The events of 2020 still linger in the air as this show, instead of trying to gain a better audience by using smart writing and brilliant storytelling with great acting and direction. Instead, they're pandering to the lowest common denominators of society, and that is how everyone is hurting. And since this year, WOULD have celebrated its 25th season. It would most likely going to be delayed thanks to the WGA and SAG/AFTRA strikes. But regardless, this series will continue its fall from grace unless, after this strike, the writers can actually do better than what they're doing now. That's not to say that Mariska and the other producers are blameless; they're the ones who are part of this mess. If I was in a producer's shoes in this show, I would be hopping mad, wanting better scripts and everything to be better. Until the series can return, it's safe to lock these seasons in prison until it finally gets sentenced to Cancellation. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since next month is October, that means it's Halloween season. (A Voice whispers, "And it's been some time since we were together, hasn't it, James.") Oh no! Not you! (Static plays, then cuts to "The Maven Of The Eventide")

The Maven Of The Eventide:
Oh yes, James, it's time for you to serve me again. (Cut to James just as he taps his Smartwatch and says "Halloween Mode" then goes into "Halloween Mode")

TLOTA:
I know you have a husband to help with the kids, but don't you have anyone else in your life? I'm not... Oh no, NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! (Cut to "The Maven Of The Eventide")

The Maven Of The Eventide:
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! For October, You... (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
Monster-tober (Cut to "The Maven Of The Eventide")

The Maven Of The Eventide:
Say what now? (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
From now on, I'm calling my October workload "Monster-tober."(Cut to "The Maven Of The Eventide")

The Maven Of The Eventide:
Okay, for "Monster-tober," you must brace yourself for the madness of "RENFIELD!" (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
Are you going to be involved? (Cut to "The Maven Of The Eventide")

The Maven Of The Eventide:
I'll drop by now and then. (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
Awesome! (The scene cuts to black for five seconds before cutting to the Ninja Cats in Rowdy's tent in Anaheim.)

Perkins:
So let's see if we've got this straight. James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, disappeared in August.

Garfield:
His lady friend disappeared at the same time.

Sam:
An AI Program has created a hologram of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

Cecil:
And James' team is on board with James' AI instead of doing the right thing?! (Cut to Rowdy)

Rowdy:
Oh, trust me, it's infuriating. (Cut to the Ninja Cats)

Cecil:
Haven't seen you this angry since...That year's World Series! (Cut to Rowdy)

Rowdy:
Trust me, I'm about to make That year's World Series reaction look tame in comparison. (Cut to the Ninja Cats)

Cecil:
According to someone inside, James' schedule is locked from now until April 2024, meaning we have some time! (Cut to Rowdy)

Rowdy:
That's the long and short of it. Now, if I were James, my first thought would be to get everyone together, with the exception of James' team. He would then contact me or my creator to ensure he was okay.  But he would also have a backup plan or ten. So hopefully, I can come upon one of them. Maybe find Alex in the meantime. (Cut to the Ninja Cats)

Cecil:
Maybe they decided to... You don't think? (Cut to Rowdy)

Rowdy:
No, James would've told me first. (Rowdy looks at a message) CRAP! (Dramatic music is heard) GET EVERYONE ON JAMES' CONTACTS HERE NOW! (Cut to Cecil)

Cecil:
It can't be that bad (Rowdy puts him in front of the monitor). Okay, it is that bad!

Rowdy:
We're out of time! You get everyone together; I've got to meet with a Professor about a teleportation –inator and an AI Holograph–inator! (Rowdy grabs his Louisville Slugger as it cuts to A pod of Mermaids as Julia Alexa Miller and her new friends who have made her believe her name is now "Liquidverve" swim around the island.)

Aquafina:
Liquidverve, you have been here for a month now. Are you still thinking of your old life?

Julia Alexa Miller:
I am not thinking of that, I just have a sense that someone is...

Marintina: 
Don't say it, Liquidverve, He is not coming, and you (Marintina raises her right hand as Julia Alexa Miller looks on)

Aquafina:
Are One (Aquafina raises her right hand as Julia Alexa Miller looks on)

Oceana: 
Of us (Oceana raises her right hand as Julia Alexa Miller looks on, and it cuts to James as he continues to walk, but as the temperature drops, makes James feel freezing. James collapses as it looks like something unnatural is coming when a Sonic Screwdriver scares the being off; James regains some consciousness as a man in a brown cloak looks James over and then pulls his cloak off his head, revealing KiraKennedy dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi.)

Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy:
Hello There! (James continues to look up)

James Faraci:
Ben? Ben Kenobi!

Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy:
Uh, no, Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy! Rest easy, James, you've had quite the trek. You're fortunate to be all in one piece! We'll talk later. It's best that we head indoors, the frost beasts are easily frightened, but they will return and in greater numbers! (James and Kirobi-wan Kenobiddy walk out to fade to black!)

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

Ten years in and Solid as "Steel"

(Scene begins on a phone screen as different iterations of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans over the past ten years says his intro as a finger taps out of that and it taps the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James as he is standing up and looking at the John Byrne Superman Story “Man Of Steel” as the footage statics out as KiraKennedy cuts into the signal) 


KiraKennedy: 
Hey James, what are you doing? (Cut to James as he is going over the John Byrne Superman Story “Man Of Steel”) 


TLOTA: 
Oh hey KiraKennedy, I’m researching for my tenth-year anniversary, “Man Of Steel” and I have to say John Byrne did an amazing job modernizing the classic Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel world, how he made the characters like Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, Perry White, and even Lex Luthor more relatable to the modern audience. (Cut to KiraKennedy) 


KiraKennedy: 
James (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans) 


TLOTA: 
He also made the entire world Clark Kent and Superman inhabits so much fuller of life than what it was like before the “Crisis On Infinite Earths” storyline, which had just decimated everything awesome about Superman (Cut to KiraKennedy) 


KiraKennedy: 
James (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans) 


TLOTA: 
Also, I must ask why people found this thing polarizing; it’s clear as day and awesome to this day (Cut to KiraKennedy) 


KiraKennedy: 
JAMES! (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans) 


TLOTA: 
What? (Cut to KiraKennedy) 


KiraKennedy: 
No one is saying anything bad about the John Byrne Comic Book storyline. Think back ten years ago; what movie Superman movie got fans so polarized that Warner Brothers and DC made that everyone in our vocation found it to be the worst interpretation of the “Man Of Steel” (Cut to James raising his left eyebrow with intrigue as it cuts to the title card of “Man Of Steel” and it cuts to James tossing his research notes and screams like a banshee! Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Yes, folks, its time has come! The movie, for many, has been considered the worst Superman movie ever or the best since the 1978 Richard Donner classic. But ten years later, how does the consensus feel about the movie? Have we FINALLY gotten around to giving the movie a chance to be understood? Are we going to see if this will step out into the sun and we would be joining it? Or should we schlep it to the Phantom Zone? (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
Well, seeing as it has been a decade since I started and talked about this movie a decade since I began, let me say the following...I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and for the past ten years, The Views That I’m About To Express Are That Of My Own, And Some Of Yours and this is my review of the 2013 Superman Movie “Man Of Steel” (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.):  
The movie opens... (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
Oh wait, KiraKennedy, I nearly forgot about you. How would you like to join me for this review? (Cut to KiraKennedy) 


KiraKennedy: 
I’d love to join you, but I got shiny Pokémon to hunt! See ya! (KiraKennedy cartoonishly runs away as it cuts to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
The movie opens on the planet Krypton as we see Lara Lor-Van played by Ayelet Zurer, giving birth to a baby. Meanwhile, Jor-El, played by Russell Crowe, tries to explain to the council members that Krypton is about to go Kaboom! However, we come upon one of my biggest gripes towards this movie. Michael Shannon as General Zod! And for the record, it is not because I loved Terrence Stamp as Zod, and I can’t stand Michael Shannon’s performance. It is because he plays Zod like Tom Hardy’s Bane from “The Dark Knight Rises”, hell it wouldn’t surprise me that he would do that. (Cut to an acting class where Zod, played by Eric Kurtzke, is taking lessons from Tom Hardy’s “Bane” from “The Dark Knight” played by James Faraci) 


“Bane”: 
Remember you must move your mouth to enunciate the right way. Repeat after me, Zod. “And you, you believe son is shafe? I will find im, I will reclaim what you have taken from us. I will find hin! I will find hen, Lara! I WILL FINE HIM!”  


M.O.S. Zod: 
And you, you believe your son is safe? I will find him and reclaim what you have taken from us! I will find him! I will find him, Lara! I will find him! 


“Bane”: 
That’s too subtle; you must move the words in your mouth and be willing to open the mouth with intensity. (M.O.S. Zod repeats the line, this time closer to how he does it in the movie.) You’re getting there! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Zod has decided to declare war on the Kryptonian Elders and overthrow the Government. Jor-El escapes and makes it to the registry, where he takes a McGuffin called the Codex and takes it. Just as baby Kal-El is placed into his rocket, Jor-El gives the usual spiel about how he will do great things, and then Kal-El is infused with the Codex as Zod tries to capture Jor-El. Jor-El suits up to fight Zod to ensure Kal-El has safely launched off Krypton and hopefully lands on Earth. Jor-El tells Zod about Kal-El being the first naturally born baby in a thousand generations, and Zod’s natural response is to call the Baby a Heresy and wants the baby killed! However, Jor-El sacrifices himself to protect his son and his son’s escape. The council regains control and arrests Zod and his followers, then schlep them off to the Phantom Zone, and sure enough, just as Zod and his followers are sent to the Phantom Zone, Krypton goes KABOOM! (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
Yeah, I know the parallels from the Christopher Reeve classic and its sequels are there, but let’s face it, when you’re talking about Superman, there will ALWAYS be parallels and comparisons to the classic actors who played Superman. I’m sure Christopher Reeve had to face comparisons to George Reeves and Kirk Alyn. I am sure that it happened to John Haymes Newton and Gerard Christopher when they put on the Super suit, even though they played Superman as did Dean Cain, Tom Welling, and possibly the other guy currently in the Super suit Tyler Hoechlin, so, it’s not a new phenomenon. Why am I talking about this? It’s because the more they talk about how we loved the legends, now, it is also reminder as to why we’re so quick to dismiss something that is trying to carry their torch and add their flame to the fire. (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Kal-El makes it to earth as we then cut to a Crab boat where we see Clark Kent, played by Henry Cavill as he, has a job as a greenhorn on the crew as we see an Ocean Oil Rig going boom! Clark makes it to rescue the crew, as we see another problem people had with the movie. Flashing back to help establish how Clark’s powers start to manifest as he got to his current age as we see him as a kid trying to control his X-Ray Vision as well as Super hearing and heat vision, and the only one who can help is his mother, played by Diane Lane. Finally controlling that ability, we soon find present-day Clark having just taken clothes off a clothesline, and we soon get another flashback as Clark sees a bus which reminded him of a bus accident where he, Pete Ross, and others, including Lana Lang, as the bus went over the bridge and Clark saving everyone. This leads to this moment (Show clip of Jonathan Kent, played by Kevin Cosner, as he and Clark have a discussion of what he could have done, and Clark asks, “What was I supposed to do? Just let them die?” and Jonathan says “Maybe.” Cut to James as he nurses a headache.) 


TLOTA: 
You know, this line was in the trailer! I thought it was just for the trailer, and they would have Jonathan Kent, who is supposed to be Clark’s Human Moral Center, say the right answer, which should have been “NO! But you must be careful, you have amazing abilities, and if someone were to figure out who you are, they could come after you through the people you love! I know it is difficult to hear this, but I would only say this if I did not care for your well-being. We have loved you since we found you, and one day, you will be able to show who you are and what you can do, but please be more careful for now. I love you; never forget that. Now, wash up; we have chores to take care of and dinner after that!” That would have been LIGHTYEARS better than just simply “Maybe.” Play the clip; I’ve got nothing at this point! (Play the clip of Robert Wagner saying “Oy Gevalt” in “Austin Powers In Goldmember” Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Jonathan goes on to show Clark the ship in the root cellar of the barn, and they have a touching moment in which Clark realizes he has been adopted. However, Jonathan tries to remind Clark that even though he’s adopted, he is still Jonathan and Martha’s child and that they love him. We then find Clark as he’s employed at a bar in Canada as some of their soldiers enter and talk about Elsmere Island and something else found there. However, at this bar, there is an asshole who hits on a waitress, and Clark tries to intervene without using his powers but makes up for that by using them on the asshole’s truck, impaling them with the logs from the trees! (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
Forget it; if we haven’t gotten an answer as to why and if anyone noticed, we’ll never get it. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
We’re soon thereafter introduced to Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams, to investigate the events that are happening with Professor Emil Hamilton and Col. Hardy, and yes, it is da daddy of “Law And Order: Organized Crime” Christopher Meloni! Hit me with every Elliot Stabler joke that you can come up with, I await them in the comments! Any way Lois is there to investigate what’s going on. Taking photos, she notices Clark traveling towards what is out there. Lois decides to follow Clark; remember, she’s not happy until she’s won the Pulitzer Prize for Journalism infinite times, even if they give it to her posthumously. She nearly gets it that way as Clark activates the ship, and the ship's robotic guards attack both Clark and Lois. Clark then meets his biological father, Jor-El, as Lois is healed and left to be found by the Canadian Army, and the ship takes off. Hearing this story now is Perry White, played by Laurence Fishbourne, but he basically tells her to kill the story. Instead, she sends it to an Internet Reporter to use in their blog. Meanwhile, up North, Jor-El introduces himself properly and gives a backstory dump, and then we soon see Clark in the Superman Suit. Clark, as a soul in tension, is learning to fly in conditions unknown and is determined to try. He’s got to keep his eye on the circling sky, tongue-tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit aye! (Show Clark as he tries to fly and eventually does so) Soon enough, Lois's further investigation sends her to Smallville, and at Jonathan Kent’s Grave, she finds Clark. We discover why he hasn’t shown his full self to the world as we go back to another flashback as Jonathan and Clark have a father and son argument in which Clark should’ve apologized for what he said, but a tornado has come; Jonathan tells Clark to help everyone get to the overpass which is the worst place to be especially since a tornado can blow people away. As Jonathan and Clark get the last of the people out of the way, Jonathan goes back for Martha’s dog, The dog gets out okay, and Clark, who is not that far away even at normal human running speed and could have easily taken his father whose leg was busted, out of danger, Jonathan decides to Martyr himself because... I honestly have no god damned clue! It would’ve been easy as peeling a banana for Clark to grab Jonathan, not use his powers and get him safe. But apparently, they needed it to happen so there can be an added Trama and Drama to the story, plus I think Kevin Costner really didn’t like the movie’s vibes and was like, “Yep, this is one of the last times you’ll see me in a movie, Hello “YELLOWSTONE”! (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
Though what has been said about what’s happening there, I have no clue as to what Costner’s reasoning is anymore. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Lois decides to bury the story, as the Government notices something out of the ordinary on the moon! If it is a castle with monsters in there, contact Billy Cranston at Cranston Tech! (Everything blacks out as it cuts to James physically)  


TLOTA (Audio Only): 
I PAID THE POWER BILL, WHAT THE HEL... (Signal Interruptions occur as the words are “YOU...ARE...NOT...ALONE!” Multiple times as a video from with a distorted voice saying that he is coming, and he is coming for this planet as it cuts back to James.)


TLOTA: ...THE HELL WAS THAT?! (James walks out to talk to everyone.) Did you guys see that or hear that? (Cut to everyone else) 


Chad Narducci: 
As the elected leader of everyone here who is STILL pissed from what you did back at the end of 2022 until March of 2023, I have been told to tell you to take a hike! (James sighs as he walks away defeated. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Clark goes to a priest for advice, and we get yet another flashback when Clark sits back and takes an ass beating, and Jonathan says, “How Proud he was Clark took an ass beating” Oy Vey! I digress; Clark listens to the priest’s advice and turns himself to the Government as Lois interrogates Clark and talks about the “S” on his suit and how it means “Hope” and, to be fair... (Cut to everyone else in team TLOTA as they shout, “TO BE FAIR! NOW PISS OFF JAMES!” as it cuts to James in his office as he reacts to everyone still being angry before shaking that off.) 


TLOTA: 
I’m glad it’s something that they have integrated into the continuity of Superman. That the “S” simply doesn’t just stand for Superman. It stands for something good, like hope! We could all use it, especially nowadays. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Zod’s second in command Faora-Ul, played by Antje Traue, claims Clark and wants Lois as well. Wait what? At this point, anyone with answers may be in a mental health facility! Zod then tells Clark about what he has been up to, how he wants the Codex, and that with the Codex, he can rebuild Krypton on Earth, meaning that we would be TOAST, and they plan on extracting the information from Clark. Meanwhile, Lois, off-screen, is interrogated and then left to rot in the ship when she puts the “El” Key into the ship as Jor-El takes over the ship, helps Lois escape and Clark to rescue and tells Clark that he can be the bridge to link Krypton to Humanity. However, because of what Zod plans to do, he sends his troops to the Kent farm, which leads to, OF Course, the Smallville battle that is filled with commercially known brands. Yeah, the gratuitous usage of IHOP, SEARS, and U-Haul brands as Smallville is reduced to rubble! Screw the fact that Clark’s fellow Smallville citizens and the armed forces were being decimated. Yes, the Kryptonians and Clark, or rather this universe's version of “Superman,” could’ve taken the fight outside of town but let’s face it, Zod is so God-damned single-minded that he would decimate an entire town to get the Codex, and rebuild Krypton on the remains of earth and kill us in the process. But there was one good moment at the beginning of this fight as Zod’s soldiers threaten Clark’s mom. In possibly the most unintentionally funny moment of this movie, Superman starts fighting back and threatens Zod’s third in command, who is a giant, and screams, “How dare you threaten my mother!” or something like that! (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
So no question about it when in doubt, don’t blame the Sociopath that will destroy everything in his grasp to regain something that has GONE LONG SINCE THE LAST TIME HE SAW IT!  Blame the guy who was doing the best he could to keep the loss of lives down to a minimum of ONE! Possibly his own life to protect everyone! Again, the clip. (Play the clip of Robert Wagner saying “Oy Gevalt” in “Austin Powers In Goldmember” Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
So, after nearly reducing the number of citizens in Smallville and his own forces, and seeing that “Superman” is trying to help Col. Hardy, FINALLY GETS THROUGH HIS THICK GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING SKULL THAT THE GUY WHO RESCUED ONE OF HIS SOLDIERS, FOUGHT OFF ALL OF ZOD’S SOLDIERS THAT HE SAYS “SUPERMAN” IS ON OUR SIDE! If it weren’t for the fact that certain people in my family have problems with Alcohol, I WOULD BE DRINKING MY WEIGHT IN TEQUILA RIGHT F’ING NOW! (UGHS!) So, after all that, apparently, the scientist on Zod’s ship discovers that The Codex is Kal-El, and they can use him to rebuild Krypton on Earth, and Kal-El doesn’t need to be alive to keep the Codex functional! So, it’s time for Zod to terraform Earth into New Krypton! However, during a moment between Lois and Jor-El during her time on the ship, Jor-El tells Lois about how the Kryptonian ships work and how they can recalibrate Superman’s ship into a device that will stop one of the Terraformers in Metropolis and “Superman” will stop the one on the other end of the planet that connects to Smallville which is in the Indian Ocean! Zod uses a ship to protect the Terraformer Metropolis is being slammed with Gravitational forces. Superman overcomes the major environmental issue on the Indian Ocean Terraformer, and WAIT A SECOND! (The scene pauses at the face of Henry Cavill’s Superman as he flies up, and then his face is stretched.) Is it me, or does it look like they digitally placed Christopher Reeve’s face on Henry Cavill’s, or maybe it was the lighting and how the fan was angled?  (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
And if they did go the Digital placing, it lasted, I think, for a second but long enough for someone, ME, to notice. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Back in Metropolis, Lois, Col, Hardy, and Professor Hamilton are flying Superman’s ship to stop the other Terraformer, and they’re being hunted by Zod and Faora-Ul in the same ship Superman had up North. However, something is wrong, “Superman’s” Ship and Key aren’t connecting, which gives Faora-Ul an opportunity to try and stop them. However, Col. Hardy decides to Suicide Bomb the plane into the Terraformer just as Professor Hamilton adjusts the engines. Before you know it, Col. Hardy and the plane goes the same way Christopher Meloni’s career did until he returned to “Law & Order” as Detective Elliot Stabler with his own series “Organized Crime”. And yes, everyone is so glad to have been rescued by Superman WHILE STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRATER THAT USED TO BE METROPOLIS! AND IF THAT WASN’T DIFFICULT ENOUGH TO STOMACH, ZOD SURVIVED! Okay, granted, this was after “Superman” decided to save humanity and reject Zod’s version of Krypton, and that’s a kettle of fish I am not going near! But I digress; Zod survived and decides that if his Krypton is dust, he will reduce his world to dust himself. This leads, of course, to more destruction of what’s left of Metropolis, which leads to this moment. (Show clip of Zod saying, “I was trained to be a warrior, Kal, trained my entire life to master my senses. WHERE DID YOU TRAIN? ON A FARM?!?!” Cut to Tom Hardy’s “Bane” from “The Dark Knight) 


“Bane”: 
YEEESHS! HE HAS FINALLY GONE FULL HAAAAAAAAAM!  It brings a tear to my eyes (Cut to James) 


TLOTA: 
Well, it brings me to realize that this Zod has no substance to his actions or words, and what he will do next will taint the legacy of Superman on the Big Screen until his next Big Screen iteration! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
"Superman” and Zod continue their brawl until we reach (Sighs) The moment! The moment that will haunt Superman fans forever! As Zod uses his heat vision to kill a family that should be running for their lives, Superman (Sighs and cries for a second and then growls) KILLS ZOD SNAPPING HIS NECK LIKE A TWIG! (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
And apparently, that moment happened because David S Goyer thought it would make Superman, Cool and the fact that Zack Snyder agreed with him sicken me! Superman is cool because he shows mercy to his opponents and takes them down without killing them! He is cool because he does what is right, no questions asked, no asking for a reward for doing what is right! Not because he kills his opponents! What makes Superman cool is that he will fight a man without having to take their life! Superman is supposed to represent the best in all of us! The Greatness that we should be at right now! The wherewithal to know what is right and wrong in this universe! The Common Sense to see what we need to do to better ourselves! Superman must never kill to be what everyone thinks is Cool!  We have “Heroes” that kill, “Heroes” that go to the extremes that everyone thinks is right, and guess what? They lack the common decency to be a fraction of the Superhero that Superman is. But when that moment happened, it nearly DECIMATED EVERY OUNCE OF ALL THE LEGACIES OF THE PERFORMERS BEFORE CAVILL’S “SUPERMAN.” IT THREATENED TO TAINT THE LEGACY OF HOECHLIN’S SUPERMAN IF HOECHLIN DIDN’T USE EVERY OUNCE OF HIS PERFORMANCE AS BOTH CLARK AND SUPERMAN TO REDEEM THE LEGENDS AND DENOUNCE CAVILL’S “SUPERMAN”. Whew, I feel better now as to how I would’ve solved this problem, it’s simple. I consulted a security expert on the moment, and the following is what he told me. (Cut to the “Zod Neck being snapped” scene as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
“He [Superman] totally botched the moment in which he tried to subdue Zod. Instead of having the forearm towards the throat of Zod, Superman should have put the bend on the elbow, and he would have passed out. Then Superman could have stopped Zod and not killed him, or this is just as effective; a good shot to the throat will incapacitate Zod without killing him. Without his ship to contain Zod, it will have to come upon Swanwick until he can stand trial and face judgment for what he did.” (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
That is how he would’ve done it, I would’ve done an elbow on the top of the head to render him unconscious and then have him face trial, but that’s me. As for the ending of this movie... (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Well, the fact that “Superman” destroys a multi-million-dollar spy drone sent up to keep an eye on him and delivers it to Swanwick and tells Swanwick to trust him that he is a good guy and was raised in the Mid-West, so those values must mean something. As for Clark, he joins the Daily Planet as a journalist, even though he has Bupkis in terms of credibility or a Journalistic degree, and Lois “Welcomes Clark to the Planet” as this movie ends. (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
And to this day, after seeing it in the theaters, on tv, digital, and any other way I could watch it, I am still someplace I never thought I would be, on the fence between liking and hating this movie. (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
I will say what I do like about it. As much as I have harped on Cavill’s performance, you can see he wants to be the Superman everyone knows and loves; Amy Adams is trying to be a memorable Lois Lane, Laurence Fishbourne is a good Perry White, and you can tell that some of the flying sequences work. When they don’t, it shows. However, the music, the dark cinematography, the whole Jonathan Kent “Maybe” moment, and that unforgivable moment towards the end that nearly destroyed Superman as a “City set on top of a hill” and as a hero really make it hard for me to enjoy this movie and why DC’s movies have been difficult to enjoy and why the Wonder Woman movie is still the Diamond in the turd pile of these movies. If you liked it, fine. If you didn’t like it, fine. But for me, this is one time where I have to say, it’s a movie that I must be ready to enjoy before I watch a cheesy Superhero movie just to balance my movie-watching experience. Maybe, JUST Maybe, with James Gunn involved in the DC Movies, not only will they finally be on par with Marvel and their Cinematic Universe, AND if what is happening with “The Flash” movie is true, then we can finally forget what DC has done in the past decade once and for all! (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I will spend some time watching some good DC Media, think about how quickly ten years have passed, and say Thank you. Thank you to the people that still check out my work. Thank you to the friends and colleagues that I made and lost in the past ten years. Thank you to those of my family who are here (James looks at a photo of his brother and his father. Audio only) and to those who are with me in spirit. Thank you to Manic Expression for letting me contribute and allowing me to be as awesome as everyone there. To Rowdy, you gave me my first big break, and I am grateful. To Stevie and Gus, I thank you for putting up with me for as long as you had, and I hope one day we can be friends and work together again one day. To the cast who worked on “Life As A Mermaid” that I worked with and then they promptly told me to take a hike, I am one hundred percent sorry for all I’ve done and hope you can forgive me, and maybe we can work together again one day as well. As it has been for the past ten years, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that’s my opinion.