TLOTA: I’m (James continues to laugh uncontrollably before
Nick Yaun picks him up by his shirt’s collar)
Nick Yaun: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN! IT’S A SHAYMALAN MOVIE!
TLOTA (laughing while talking): I’m trying for crying out
loud! (Nick Yaun shakes James around.)
Nick Yaun: YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN! IT’S NOT WORTH ACTING LIKE
THIS! (Paulo walks into frame behind Nick)
Paulo Fonseca: Nick, Let me at it! (Paulo starts shaking
James even harder) CALM DOWN JAMES! FOCUS ON HOW BAD THIS MOVIE IS! YOU HAVE TO
CALM (Paulo smacks James upside his face) DOWN! (Rebecca Yaun walks into frame
and talks to Paulo)
Rebecca Yaun: Hey Paulo, your fiancée is on the Phone!
Paulo Fonseca: Thanks. (Paulo walks away and Rebecca shakes
James even harder than Paulo)
Rebecca Yaun (Shaking James while smacking him around): CALM
DOWN JAMES! CALM! (Rebecca Smacks James) DOWN! (Rebecca Smacks James) PLEASE!
(Sounds of Rebecca Yaun yelling at James to calm down and James continues to
laugh as the camera pans down the line to see John Ross Santos with a Double
Boiler pan, Mike Santos with a pipe, Eric Neil Kurtzke with a set of Brass
Knuckles, Renee Miller with a 2x4, Rowdy with a Baseball bat, The Nostalgia
Critic with his handgun, The Blockbuster Buster with “Lucille”, Linkara with
his Magic gun, Jeff Jarrett with his
guitar, Eliza Dushku brandishing a pair of Boxing Gloves, Traci Hines with a
set of Shark Jaws taped to a club, then The Angry Video Game Nerd with an empty
beer bottle and shattering the bottom of the bottle on the side of the wall then
Film Brain with a noose before the scene changes to the Opening credit scene of
“The Happening” then cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): HOLY MOLY CANOLI! WHAT WAS HE THINKING?
No! No! No! What was he SMOKING! This movie is just a WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST
SEE MOMENT?! And by the end you’ll be either in a pool of your own effluence
from laughing OR scratching your head wondering if your still sane. It’s been
reviewed to death but it’s one of those movies that bear repeat reviews. (Cut
to James physically)
TLOTA: So let’s dive in head first and cook this turkey
stuffed with hot dogs, tiramisu, cheese & crackers and slathered in honey,
cough syrup & Lemon Drink this is M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening” (Cut
to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So our movie begins in central park as
two people on a bench reading the same book notice people doing an improv act
as one of the two people realize this thing is going on their IMDB and commits
to stabbing herself! We soon see extras who were told they were going to be
paid very well because they were going to be in a Shaymalan movie at a
construction site as they fall to their doom before we cut to a Pennsylvanian
Science teacher named Elliot played by Mark “I’m kicking my manager’s ass for
this” Wahlberg as they discuss a recent event. A loss of honeybees! (Show clip
of Elliot talking to his students about the Honeybees and no one has an answer
before cutting to James)
TLOTA: I actually heard about this by a Doctor (Cut to the
clip about the disappearance of Honeybees in “Doctor Who: The Stolen Earth” in
which they talk about the disappearance of the Honeybees actually being tiny
aliens having disappeared before cutting to the movie as the smart Alek in the
class says “An act of nature that we will never truly understand.” And Elliot
replies with something meant to be intellectually meaningful before cutting to
James physically)
TLOTA: What is this Science Theology 101? (Cut to the movie
as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Well the word of what happened in New
York City reaches the school Elliot and his friend Julian played by John
Leguizamo and at the behest of the Principal played by Alan Ruck the students
are let go and Julian decides to grab his daughter and meet his wife further
down on the train line and Elliot is going to pick up his wife Alma played by Zooey
Deschanel who I swear to GOD has set her voice to overly girly cutesy and
trained herself to never friggin close her eyes! (Cut to Alma speaking in
several scenes before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA: If you’ve ever wondered why I’ve never watched but
heard of “New Girl” well now you know why I’d rather eat my weight in Concrete
than watch or hear anything come out of Zooey Deschanel’s pie hole! (Cut to the
movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Anyway, Alma had a one-night affair with
someone who is vocally played by a cameo by Shaymalan and she’s trying hard to
avoid it. Meanwhile Elliot, Julian and his daughter Jess Meet Alma at the train
station and as the train tries to get away from whatever the hell is going on
out there to Harrisburg to meet up with Julian’s wife, the train stops in
Filbert because they’ve lost contact with the outside world. At a restaurant
they look at a video that shows that the lions in the lion’s den obviously
enjoy it when their caretaker decides to stand while they’re at their most
feral as they discover whatever is going on out there is in their neck of the
woods. As Julian tries to find his wife who I’m sure has not been casted and is
possibly kaput by this point he leaves Jess with Alma & Elliot to take care of her in his
stead. Elliot, Alma & Jess hitch a ride with a Nursery owner whose house
and business is so subtlety right near a nuclear power plant you couldn’t tell
it was there… IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE NURSERY! Seriously Shaymalan you think
being subtle means hitting someone in the Po-Pos with a 30 ton wrecking ball!
You are making the entire “Josie & The Pussycats” movie look subtle in comparison!
(Cut to the clip of Nursery owner talking about Hot Dogs before cutting to
James physically)
TLOTA: Okay movie, you have FORCED me into doing this! Hit
it! (Cut to the instrumental of “The Narwhal Song” at one and one quarter speed
while in the background everyone else is dancing in different way.)
TLOTA (Singing): Hot dogs! Hot dogs! Cook ‘em up in hot water
up cook ‘em until they’re nice & plump! Grill ‘em until they get marked! Hot dogs! Hot
Dogs! Cook ‘em up in hot water!
Rebecca Yaun (Singing): Some come a foot long! If you like
them too. You’ll sing along! (Audio of the clip of the Nursery owner talking
about Hot dogs is played as everyone dances very silly)
Team TLOTA (Singing): Hot Dogs! We like Hot dogs! Hot Dogs!
TLOTA (Singing): Slathered in Chili & Cheese!
Team TLOTA (Singing): Hot Dogs! We like Hot dogs! Hot Dogs!
Paulo Fonseca (Singing): Tons of Mustard if you please!
(Song lyrics repeat for the second verse as does the video for it before Cutting to James
physically looking a little more mentally disturbed.)
TLOTA: HOKAY! Things are officially Cuckoo! Let’s take a
break and regain some semblance of sanity though in a Shaymalan film that’s
nigh on impossible!
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top
of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the
commercial break intro as it cuts to James’ office Kitchen as Jeremy from CinemaSins stands next to Alton Brown as played by Nick Yaun)
C.S. Jeremy: Sometimes watching a movie just isn’t enough!
You also want to eat that movie!
“Alton Brown”: And that is why America we have movie recipes!
(CinemaSins Movie Recipes music play in the background and opening credit is
shown before cutting back to Jeremy from Cinema Sins and “Alton Brown” in James’
office Kitchen)
C.S. Jeremy: Today we’re going to make a M. Night Shaymalan
Turkey!
“Alton Brown”: And
not just any Turkey, people we are making a Turkey based on “The Happening”
(Cut to a deep pot with the Camera in the bottom of the pot and the two looking
in. Then cut to the two outside the pot with Lemon Drink, Cough Syrup, Honey
& Kosher Salt)
“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): Starting with the brine for the
Turkey, we use one pound of Lemon Drink, Cough Syrup, Honey and of course a
pound of Kosher Salt. (Cut to the two standing over the pot as they drop the
turkey into the pot and setting it aside in a corner)
C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Then Put in a 14 lbs. Turkey
preferably one without bones because there is NO semblance of structure in a
Shaymalan movie of this quality. Then we let it sit for hours as we prepare to
stuff this turkey with enough filler to fill out an hour and a half of cooking!
(Cut to the two with a blender, Tiramisu, Cheese & Crackers and Hot Dogs.)
“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): We start with a lovely Tiramisu
and blend the tar out of it!
C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Then drop a whole pack of Hot Dogs
to the mix and a pound of Cheese and crackers preferably something bland and
tasteless like Shaymalan! (Cut to the two with the boneless turkey stuffed with
the Tiramisu mix next to an oven.)
“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): We then cover the Turkey in the
herb that helped make this movie possible! Marijuana and put it in a 525-degree
oven for an hour and a half because no movie of his should be longer than that!
(Cut to the two at a table)
C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Serve with a country dinner and an
expired water cocktail garnished with a lit cigarette and enjoy the madness
that comes from this meal! (“Alton Brown” jumps over the table to attack as the
camera is knocked over and it cuts to a test pattern before cutting to Cinema
Sins Jeremy lying down in the Prison Bitch position and “Alton Brown”
with his pants around his legs and head first in a trashcan before fading to
black then cutting to the Commercial break return bit as the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the
final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to
see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it
act as the return from commercial break as the review cuts to the movie as
James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): We soon find Julian as he tries to find
his wife when they see a group of people dead, hung by their necks and lining
the street and there is a tear in the roof that allows whatever it is to come
in and the driver decides to go at “Fury Road” speed into a tree as
Julian steps out and decides to take a piece of glass to slit his wrists.
Though knowing John Leguizamo he looks like his manager called him about doing
a 35th “Ice Age” Movie while working on this and decided “Screw that
Sloth!”. Meanwhile Elliot, Alma, Jess and our Hot Dog Nurseryman find a private
who has found a Military private who’s as lost as the people watching this
tries to organize everyone else on the same route into a group who’s just as
lost but the Nurseryman believes that the plants are the cause of the event.
(Show the clip of The Nurseryman telling the Military private about what they
saw and the Private says “Cheese & Crackers” before cutting to James
physically.)
TLOTA: I have extended family members who have served in the
Armed Forces and they have said worse things than “Cheese & Crackers”
though they do sleep with some strange things but for me it’s a “Don’t know,
Don’t care” kind of thing instead of a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” sort of thing.
(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): But convinced whatever this thing is
that’s caused by the plants is being conveyed by the wind the large group break
into smaller factions while they I KID YOU NOT TRY TO OUTRUN THE WIND! NOT
KIDDING! Meanwhile in the Military private’s faction in which the Hot Dog
nurseryman is in find themselves infected save for the Hot Dog nurseryman and
well… (Show clip of Elliot, Alma & Jess’s group as they hear the gunshots
and everyone there is screaming at Elliot before Mark Wahlberg’s Elliot screams
“I NEED A SECOND OKAY! WHY CAN’T EVERYONE GIVE ME A GOD DAMN SECOND! Before
James continues his voiceover while the movie continues)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Geez dude any louder and you’ll blow the
boom mic besides no one wants to see your nose hairs! Anyway Elliot’s little
group eventually discovers a Model home where everything is fake and well…. I
can’t… I just can’t… Watch it and you come up with your own joke! (Show clip of
Elliot talking to the plant before cutting to James physically with him looking
into the camera and two M. Night Shaymalan heads popping out of his ears
screaming “Cuckoo” three times and a fourth time the heads pop out M. Night
Shaymalan synchronized saying “If you think this is sane then you are CUCKOO!”
before they return to James’ head. Before cutting to the movie as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): But as they see another group infected by
whatever the hell this is, they run out of there like bats out of hell and Alma
spills on meeting a guy for Tiramisu just as they hit another place Elliot’s
attempt at levity falls flatter than this plot! (Cut to Elliot jokingly saying
about meeting this woman and asking about cough syrup before cutting to James
physically)
TLOTA: Okay, I’m convinced! THIS was the writing process for
this thing I’m watching. (Cut to a stoners’ den with Shaymalan being played
vocally by James Faraci but physically by Renee Miller and a group of stoners
played by Paulo Fonseca, John Ross Santos, Mike Santos & Eric Kurtzke,
Raoul Pupe played by Nick Yaun and Georgio A. Tsoukalos played by James Faraci
while a kids show with a fifty cent budget talking about the environment plays
in the background.)
Shaymalan: Oh dude, you know what I could go for? Some
Tiramisu with Cheese & Crackers
Stoner (Paulo): Hey man can we get some hot dogs in this
place?
Stoner (John Santos): Dude, quit bogarting the Cough Syrup
man! (Show Mike guzzling the bottle of Cough Syrup as The Audio of the kids
show talking about the environment plays in the background.)
Stoner (Eric Kurtzke): You know this show we’re watching is
making sense man! (Giggles uncontrollably)
Stoner (Mike Santos): Hey Shaymalan, you need to write this stuff
down for your next movie man!
Shaymalan: Dude! Why do you think we’re here? (Cut to James
as Georgio A. Tsoukalos tapping on a tank of turtles)
Georgio A. Tsoukalos: Hi little aliens! Klaatu Barata Nicto!
Will you tell me the secrets of the world?
Shaymalan: Dude! How much has he had?
Stoner (John Santos): Oh him? He’s never stopped since we
met in College man! (Everyone giggle uncontrollably as the camera cuts to Raoul
Pupe)
Raoul Pupe: You know, I’m so glad to be amongst such sane
and rational people! (Cut to Elliot’s group as they come to a house trying to
talk to the people holed up inside and Elliot inexplicably starts singing the
chorus to “Black Water” by The Doobie Brothers and Elliot says “See, We're normal!” before cutting to James physically.)
TLOTA: Yeah keep believing that and eventually the people
from Doctor Dippy’s Mental Retreat will let you out on their little choo-choo!
(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Even the kids looking into the camera are
looking at this moment as to say “Yeah, we have no idea what the hell is going
on here people, just get more stoned and enjoy this because this is freaking
insane!” But eventually the others in Elliot’s group save for Alma and Jess get
blasted with buckshot and Elliot, Alma and Jess bolt until they find an old
woman in the next house they come across who’s practically given up on the
world and by no choice allows the three of them to stay the night and we get a
bit of history of the house and then this moment! (Cut to the clip of the old
lady saying “I hear you whispering. Planning on stealing something!” and Elliot
replying “No Ma’am we’re not!” and the old lady saying “Plan on murdering me in
my sleep!” and Elliot replying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to James
physically.)
TLOTA: Guys come on over and help me out. Just…. Just help
me question this thing. (Everyone else in Team TLOTA comes in and stares at the
camera.)
Eric Kurtzke: Is this
leading to anything important? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before
cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)
Renee Miller: Is there another sequel to “Ted” coming soon?
(Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team
TLOTA)
Mike Santos: Do you think we’re gonna make it through until
the end? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in
Team TLOTA)
John Santos: Will this be at the top of your resume? (Cut to
Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)
Eliza Dushku: Will I ever discover James’ secret? (Cut to
Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)
Traci Hines: Will you ever live this movie down as long as
you live? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in
Team TLOTA)
Paulo Fonseca: Will you ever return to making cheesy music?
(Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team
TLOTA)
Rebecca Yaun: Do you believe that “Wahlburgers” will ever
come to Sullivan County New York? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before
cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)
Nick Yaun: Have we run this gag into the ground yet? (Cut to
Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)
TLOTA: You might think we haven’t but I think we have. (Cut
to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): The next morning everything goes even
further off the deep end as I KID YOU NOT Elliot tries to be rational as the
old woman screams at him for being near her doll. But as whatever this plant
voodoo is comes their way, affects the old lady as she smashes her head in on
the windows in her house killing herself in the process Elliot heads for the
basement and Alma & Jess head to a safe house used during the Underground
Railroad and the two are able to talk via a speaking tube and all three decide
three minutes after they talk through their problems and decide to reunite and
wait for the whatever happened to everyone else to come and take them! But in a
Shaymalan Twist, at least I think it is the event ends with them surviving at
Arundell County at just two minutes before 10 A.M. and three months later
people are still stymied after they went through what they did, Alma and Elliot
formally adopt Jess but she’ll never forget her parents and in a not so subtle note
Shaymalan lets the audience know that he’s planning on raping Aang for his
cabbages in his next project based on “Avatar: The Last Airbender”, Alma
discovers she’s pregnant and Elliot returns to his Science Theory class as it
goes to Paris and whatever happened three months ago stateside made it to
France to make the French must say Au Revoir! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: So that was “The Happening”! YOWZA! (Cut to clips of
the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): If you’re looking for intelligent writing
or strong storytelling or good acting then brother you need to find something
else. If you want to laugh at what stoners think will happen at the world if
they weren’t in charge, then you have found the Jackpot! Maybe Shaymalan should
quit trying to scare us with his serious fare and try to make us laugh with
comedic fare because it appears he’s more versed in that than making serious
movies with the material of his work. Because this maybe one of the humorous
movies I’ve ever seen! Give it a watch and a laugh. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and….
(James laughs so uncontrollably he falls out of seat until a pooping noise is
heard.) I need to change my underwear! (Cut to an hour later as everyone is
getting ready to head back)
TLOTA: Hey guys, just so you know the next couple of months
are going to be insane, so if you need to kind of step away for any personal
reason either let me know now or shoot me an E-Mail my way. (Cut to Paulo)
Paulo Fonseca: Well, I’ve got my wedding to focus on so…
TLOTA: Say no more and If I wasn’t busy, I would go and if
by SOME miracle If I can, I’d like to come.
Paulo Fonseca: Well, James as much as I’d like my friends
there it’s more of a family thing and….
TLOTA: I’ve got it. Oh Nick! (Camera cuts to Nick Yaun
getting his clothes in his suitcase as James walks over to him)
TLOTA: For being such a good sport and great utility player
over the past few months, I figured you earned a break so you and Rebecca can
enjoy your LONG overdue Honeymoon and I got two tickets for a cruise to the
Caribbean for two weeks under the names of Nick & Rebecca Yaun.
Nick Yaun: Awesome! (Cut to Traci Hines as she is two steps
away from the door.)
Traci Hines: I’ll be hitting the con circuit if you need me.
TLOTA (Audio only as Eliza Dushku walks towards James):
Awesome, and incidentally if you’re going to a con in the Dallas/Fort
Worth/Arlington Area Rowdy is willing to give you a place to chill for a bit.
Traci Hines (Audio only as Eliza Dushku walks towards
James): Uh no way, I remember the Christmas party after a few coca colas and a
bottle of Martinelli’s and I needed to call a lawyer to file a restraining
order!
Eliza Dushku: Okay James, what’s going on?
TLOTA: What are you talking about?Eliza Dushku: You’ve been acting weird since I met you and even by the standards I have for you this is crazy! I mean A Cruise to the Caribbean for Nick & Rebecca, having made sure we’re out of the way, as you so eloquently say “WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE IS GOING ON?!” (James sighs a deep breath as his face becomes serious.)
TLOTA: Okay, it may come to no surprise that next month is my third anniversary of me doing reviews and I plan on something big. The Michael Bay “Transformers” movies with Shia LaBeouf and I plan on doing a countdown. A Countdown of the good things that came from them. Something that intense that there could be backlash. Which is why if you guys need to step away, go right ahead. (Audio of several Doors closing at the same time then audio of tires peeling out as James & Eliza are left behind)
TLOTA: Well, that was expectantly predictable.
Eliza Dushku: Actually, I’m still here. Traci was my ride!
TLOTA: Yeah, while you’re here, I noticed you tried calling other old crushes who wishes that an
Elephant rapes me. Are you still trying to figure out who I am and what secrets
about me you need to know?
Eliza Dushku: How did you know? The moment in the
review when I asked Mark Wahlberg a question in the review, it was about you. (Cut to the
moment in which Eliza Dushku asks if she’ll ever discover James’ secret before
cutting to James looking at Eliza and Eliza looking at the camera)
TLOTA: See that happened.
Eliza Dushku: How did you do that?
TLOTA: An editing trick.
Eliza Dushku: No more quick-witted answers from you, what
happened to you between 2010 up until 2013 is a black hole of information on
you. Everything else is public record is just minimal and soon enough I WILL
Find out your secret James Faraci! Whether you want me to or not. (Eliza Dushku
walks away as James sighs)
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