(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone, as it opens a portal.)
(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “ Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown then slides away to different images of Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.)
(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.)
(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Entertainment Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.)
(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.)
(The Scene changes to James as he does some work around the office, as lightning strikes the set, and ERod the Blockbuster Buster lands, ready to test James.)
Erod The Blockbuster Buster:
James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, the time has come for you to see if your heart is still in this business, it’s time to take the challenge for the Hammer of The Blockbuster Buster!
TLOTA (Calmly):
Hey ERod!
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
James, didn’t you hear me? I said; The time has come for you to see your heart is still in what you love and to see if you are truly worthy of The Hammer and the title of 'The Blockbuster Buster.”
TLOTA (Calmly):
Can you take a seat on the couch? I just need to do some dusting and vacuuming, and we’ll do this final test in an hour. (Cut to an hour later as James puts up the Swiffer for the kitchen and walks to the main lobby where ERod The Blockbuster Buster.)
ERod The Blockbuster Buster (Semi-Angry):
Okay, is there anything else you need to do before you get tested, do a workout, make your dinner, ANYTHING BESIDES WHAT MAYBE THE MOST IMPORTANT TEST OF YOUR CHARACTER AND CAREER AS AN INTERNET REVIEWER?
TLOTA:
ERod, I have watched the entire Michael Bay Transformers movies and the ones without him in it, I have seen Bay’s Ninja Turtles movies, One piece of advice, do not go onto the basement bathroom, it has been declared a biohazard site from all the radioactive vomit, I’ve seen all the “Twilight Saga” movies... (Cut to ERod The Blockbuster Buster)
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
Yeah, I still call bullshit on the fact that “Twilight” was an aphrodisiac. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
I had to watch all the Snyder DC movies; I found enough material to get my thirteenth and fourteenth anniversaries. I watched “Howard the Duck,” “Episode...” You know, all those Spider-Man less Spider-Man side character movies, all the non-MCU Marvel and DC Comics based movies that have been claimed the worst, whatever it is you have planned for, I AM READY! Hell, I even got through “Son Of The Mask” and “CATS” for good measure. So, whatever you have planned, I am ready!
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
(Beat) OKAY, you sat through all of that, and you think that you are ready, and before we begin, let me do what it is I must do since you mentioned it, EPISODE ONE! (EROD stands up, screams, and raises the hammer, and lightning explodes all over the studio, then sits down.) I’m sorry for the reaction; it was immature and inappropriate. Back to the business at hand, you sat through so much crap, but that doesn’t mean you are ready for what you must face.
TLOTA:
If you are talking about Mike Myers' “Cat In The Hat” movie, I took the copy I had, obliterated it, and then proceeded to burn the remains of the DVD back to hell from where it came from.
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
Oh god no! I’m talking about that one, something that you and I share. We grew up in the 1980s, and one name that was synonymous with awesome movies remains with us: Indiana Jones!
TLOTA:
(Beat) If you think I am watching “Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull,” think again!
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
Well, thanks to recent developments, there’s a new one that made “Crystal Skull” say Hold my Cervesa Crystal!
TLOTA:
What do you mean? (The “Indiana Jones” theme plays as it cuts to the title of “Indiana Jones and The Dial of Destiny” from the trailer. Cut to James and ERod The Blockbuster Buster physically. [Beat]) Are you sure that I can’t review “Armageddon”?
Erod The Blockbuster Buster:
Eh, hold it, hold it, hold it. [Beat] Aren’t you forgetting something? (Cut to James and ERod in James’ reviewing office.) You know what you have to say and do.
TLOTA:
Okay, I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. The views that I’m about to express are those of my own and some of yours, and I am a Potential Blockbuster Buster. (Cut to the “Indiana Jones” movies of the 1980s as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
If one name meant a return to the classic action-adventure movies of the Golden and Silver Ages of Cinema of the early 20th century, there was one name that stood above the others: “Indiana Jones.” “Raiders Of The Lost Ark,” “Temple Of Doom,” and “The Last Crusade” remain a trilogy with only one weak movie, that movie being “The Temple of Doom,” and all these movies remain rewatchable on their own or together in full day watching. (Cut to “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Then came the “Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” which was polarizing at worst and best a nod to the 1950s era of what an action-adventure movie with political elements to give people a chance to understand what it was like back then. (Cut to James and ERod physically.)
TLOTA:
And then we come to today’s cinematic outing. Let’s not waste any time. This is... “Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny!” (Cut to “Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We open in Nazi Germany at the end of the Second World War as we find Indy captured as the Nazis decide to collect a wealth of treasures, and HOLY COW! (Cut to James and ERod physically)
TLOTA:
It sure looks like Indy from back in the day, but does it sound like him? (Cut to all the clips set in the past of Indiana Jones and him sounding like the current Harrison Ford. Cut to James and ERod physically.)
TLOTA:
Excuse me for a moment! (James grabs the Hammer and smashes the Michael Bay Transformers movies into oblivion! Cut to “Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We’re soon introduced to a piece of the McGuffin for this movie known as The Dial of Destiny. We meet our villain, Dr. Jürgen Voller, played by Mads Mikkelsen, as Indy and his colleague, Dr. Basil Shaw, played by Toby Jones, and the two, after a very computer-generated train ride, get the piece out of the hands of the Nazis. We then cut to Indiana Jones in the present time of 1969, as Indiana Jones has become that Grandpa next door neighbor screaming, “TURN DOWN THAT GOL-BLASTED MUSIC! CON SARN IT!” and we also see that Indy is now a raging alcoholic working at Hunter College as a Professor Emeritus and is separated from Marion. (Cut to James and ERod physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, Lucasfilms, seriously, what is up with turning our noble heroes that we grew up with into bitter old bastards? (Cut to examples of “Star Wars Sequel Trilogy" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy is basically “Let me die in peace, you Fercockta Shiksha, I got bupkis in the tank!” Han Solo went back and was all “Oy Gevalt, when are these Fegulahs going to either kill me or let me die in peace!” (Cut to the scene in which Han is killed by Kylo Ren) Thank you, Boychick! I’ll see you when these schmucks mess the meshiva” (Cut to the short-lived “Willow” series on Disney+ as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Even in that short-lived [Pun intended] sequel series, of the cult classic movie “Willow,” they had Willow be like “So look at what the gentiles brought in! Oh, and look it’s the kinder from the movie and what you want me to do what? And you want me to find who for you? You must be Meshuggah!” (Cut to James and ERod physically)
TLOTA:
Seriously, LucasFilms, stop making our heroes into bitter old men!
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
Why did you make them sound like...?
TLOTA:
You spend enough time in the summer here in Sullivan County NY, you pick up on the language and dialect. (Cut to “Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Indy is now officially retired from the university on the same day that the Apollo astronauts are heading down a parade. Indy celebrates with more booze as he meets with Helena Shaw, played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge, as she is looking for the artifact that her father left with Indy, which just so happens to be at the college he just recently retired from. And just by coincidence, two of his colleagues from the college have been murdered by OH LOOK, It’s Voller, I wonder, since Operation Paperclip, what he’s been up to? (Show clip of him with the CIA, and then he kills them, only to proceed to dress like the Nazi he was. Cut to James and ERod physically)
TLOTA:
OKAY, say what you want about “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” BUT... (Cut to clips of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as Indiana takes on the communists and James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
At least he was taking on the topical villains of the time, which happened to be the Communists, and Indy was in good enough shape to keep pace, even though he had his ass handed to him on multiple occasions. Harrison Ford conveyed that he was able to handle himself. (Cut to James and ERod Physically)
TLOTA:
But this time, Indiana Jones is not in the best of shape, and you want him to fight the Nazis again?! (James grabs the Hammer and smashes the Michael Bay Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies into oblivion! Cut to “Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After getting picked up by the Feds, Indiana Jones basically tells them everything he knows about what has happened with himself and Helena. Escaping on horseback, even through the subways in 1969 NYC. Now wanted in questioning for what happened at Hunter College, and looking like he was the one who killed them. (Cut to James and ERod Physically)
TLOTA:
And here we thought that when Indiana Jones survived a nuclear blast in a Lead-Lined Refrigerator was implausible!
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
QUIT DEFENDING “KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL!”
TLOTA:
When this movie stops giving me a reason to defend it, then I will stop doing so! (Cut to “Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We then pick up with Sallah, played by John Rhys-Davies as he tells Indy that Helena is now selling antiques on the black market and helps Indy get out of town, which doesn’t help Indy look innocent in this case as he goes through a flashback that makes him look somewhat close to his actual age as Indy and Basil talk about the half of the device that Basil held onto for years. Indiana gets to Morocco and tries to convince Helena to give herself up and clear his name. However, Helena has an accomplice in the form of a teenager named Teddy Kumar. But in this case, Indy brought a whip to a gun fight. Voller and his two associates grab the piece Indy had and take the CIA Helicopter. The agent that was meant to bring Jones and Shaw in is killed as Voller is disavowed by the CIA and the American Government. While that happens, we see the classic traveling marker line to Greece, where we find another of Indy’s friends, played by El Zorro himself, Antonio Banderas. While out at sea, we finally discover what happened to Mutt. (Show clip of Indiana Jones as he tells Helena that Mutt died in Vietnam and that ended his marriage to Marion. Cut to James and ERod The Blockbuster Buster physically)
TLOTA:
They killed off Mutt?! They KILLED OFF MUTT?! I must do it, one more time! (Cut to the clips of “Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” with Mutt as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As much as I disliked Shia LaBeouf and Mutt, I was willing to give the character a second chance when they did this movie! Yes, it was no surprise to know that Mutt was Indy’s son; however, the way he was portrayed in “Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” was the big problem. They tried to make him the coolest character in the movie, but he came off as irritating to the audience. I was interested in seeing how Mutt would’ve been in this movie. Probably having to take care of and help Indy at this late stage of life and doing what Mutt can to help his and Indy’s careers. To kill him off was disrespectful to both Mutt and the franchise itself! (Cut to “Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
UGH! Anyway, Helena, guided by her father’s research, reaches the wreck of the Antikythera, where she finds a Graphikos. Voller and his men find them, but Helena tells them what they need to know after Indy’s friend and his crew are killed by Voller. (Cut to James and ERod physically as James grabs the Hammer and smashes the “Son Of The Mask” movie into oblivion! Cut to “Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
But luckily, our heroes get out just before the boat is damaged, and they take Voller’s boat and head to Sicily. While getting ready to go to the place where the other piece, Teddy, is taken by Voller, and they follow Indy and Helena as they find the other piece of the dial and, oddly enough, a watch! (Cut to James and Erod Physically)
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
Maybe someone dropped it in the tomb of Archimedes.
TLOTA:
Don’t bet on it! (Cut to “Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Teddy escapes from Voller’s muscle as Voller gets the other half of the Dial and shoots Indy, taking him hostage. While looking for a fissure in the time-space continuum, Voller tells Indy, who is slowly dying, what his plan is when he reaches the fissure. (Show clip of Voller’s plan and Indy saying, “What kind of Nazi kills the Führer?” Cut to James and ERod, the Blockbuster Buster physically.)
TLOTA:
The Nazis are out to kill Adolf Hitler! THE NAZIS ARE OUT TO KILL ADOLF HITLER?!
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
You’re making it sound like it’s a bad thing!
TLOTA:
As much as I would like to see any Nazi supporter get shoved ass first into an industrial wood chipper and seeing their remains sent to hell on a first-class one-way trip, even I am not that delusional to mess with the time-space continuum to make something go my way. Yes, I have a time-space device that is TARDIS-like, but even I know the limits on what I can do within the time-space continuum! (James grabs the Hammer and begins to obliterate “The Twilight Saga” as ERod grabs the hammer away from James.)
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
One moment! (ERod Lines them all up, gives James a stake and the hammer.) Stake ‘em! (James goes and raises the hammer as he puts the stake into “The Twilight Saga,” dusting the entire movie franchise. Cut to “Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Helena sneaks aboard the plane, and Teddy follows in another plane as Indy tries to warn Voller that he’s not going to Germany to 86 the Führer. Thanks to the Continental Drift, everyone winds up at the Siege of Syracuse!
ERod The Blockbuster Buster (V.O.):
In New York?
TLOTA (V.O.):
Of Sicily in 214 BC! The Romans and Sicilians shoot down the plane, and Indy decides to stay with Archimedes. However, Helena is trying to turn the tables by telling that if Indy stayed in the past, he would die a painful death. But if I were in Indy’s hat, I would’ve stayed behind with how the earth is now. (Show Helena trying to grab the Dial Of Destiny as Indy is saying to Helena to leave him and asking Archimedes to let him be his student. Helena punches Indy, and it cuts back to 1969 and the ending of the movie. Cut to James and ERod the Blockbuster Buster physically.)
TLOTA:
So this ends with Indy and Marion reuniting, Helena, Teddy, Sallah and his family coming in, HOPEFULLY Helena told the police that certain people killed Indy’s associates and then cleared her godfather’s name and Indy instead of having be at peace in the past, has to live in the present where everything sucks but hey he’s kept his legacy safe by grabbing his hat one last time! (James picks up the Dial Of Destiny movie.) ERod, please follow me! (Cut to James as he and ERod walk through the loading dock basement)
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
And we are going where?
TLOTA:
You’ll find out soon enough. (The two walk into an elevator, and the scene cuts to a cave, and a ding is heard as the music of the Thuggee cult Ceremony from “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.” As James and ERod the Blockbuster Buster Walk towards the head of the cult.)
TLOTA:
Moolah Ram! (Cut to Moolah Ram as played by Nick Lopez)
Moolah Ram:
Oh, hey James! Have you and your friend come to join us.
TLOTA:
No, but I come bearing a sacrifice.
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
Oh FUCK YOU, I AM NOT GOING TO...
TLOTA:
The Movie, ERod!
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
The Movie?!
TLOTA:
They worship Cine-Ma! (Cut to the altar of Cine-Ma as the Act-ee cult comes to celebrate the arrival of Moolah Ram and his guests and “Dial Of Destiny” in Moolah Ram’s hands as Moolah Ram begins the ceremony and chants, then rips out a dummy that looks like Indiana Jones from the movie. Cut to ERod as he screams, “OH GOD!” and James just stands there, bored, looking at his watch! Cut to the movie as it is raised over the volcanic pit of Cine-Ma and is lowered, and Moolah Ram continues his chant, and we see the dummy spasm and then start to smoke, then ignite as the movie is sacrificed to Cine-Ma. After the dummy is reduced to cinders, James says to Moolah Ram, “Catch you when I really need to get rid of bad movies!” Moolah Ram says, “It’s what we do best! Sacrificing bad movies! Later, James!” James and ERod The Blockbuster Buster walk away as it cuts to James and ERod The Blockbuster Buster in James’ office.)
TLOTA:
This movie was just Bad! And for an Indiana Jones movie to be bad is worse than anything that was and is being said about “Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” and “Temple Of Doom” (Cut to clips of “Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I will say the positives are there, like how they used Sallah in a better way, even though it’s a completely pointless cameo, or how they tried to give Indiana Jones a better send-off if they hadn’t ruined it by doing what they’ve done. Harrison Ford, as Indiana Jones, as much as he was the central figure in the entire franchise, has seen the Halcyon days of both his career and that of Indiana Jones come to an end, and to see such a sad end to a franchise. (Cut to James and ERod physically.)
TLOTA:
Not helping is the fact that this movie came out the same year that the movies “Barbie” and “Oppenheimer” came out, and they were able to do much better. Though they did want one last movie, the box office didn’t support it. The Indiana Jones movies are best suited for their time in a museum. So, what did you think? (Cut to ERod The Blockbuster Buster)
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
Hmm, you earned the hammer, but it still feels like the heart is not in it!
TLOTA:
Well, how am I supposed to do better than you? I know you don’t use this word, especially on yourself, but when you were an active Internet Reviewer, you were PERFECT! I know that the best days are behind us. But this won’t resurrect either your career or mine. I am constantly having to pay for all I have done. That’s all I must deal with professionally. Personally, there is nothing there! (Cut to ERod The Blockbuster Buster)
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! SO, WE NEVER MADE OUR GOALS?! AND JUST BECAUSE YOU FAILED AT HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WHILE BEING AN INTERNET REVIEWER DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU CAN... James? JAMES! (ERod pulls out his sonic screwdriver as he sees a shadow where James used to be.) Okay, JARVIS? FRIDAY? KAREN? EDITH? SIRI? ALEXA? NIMUE? GIDEON? (ERod The Blockbuster Buster runs and screams for anyone as he bumps into Kyra Lee Of The Lacustrian Pod.) Who the hell are you?
Kyra Lee Of The Lacustrian Pod:
I am Kyra Lee Of The Lacustrian Pod, and you are. (Kyra Lee grabs ERod’s wrist and ERod begins to smile as Kyra Lee has a negative reaction and cries “Oh Neptune! OH! OH! OH POSEIDON! YOU ARE...!” then lets him go and proceeds to summon her powers to try and disintegrate ERod, The Blockbuster Buster. Cut to Paulo Fonseca and Brenda Fonseca as they talk to Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl, and Paulo stops Kyra.)
Paulo Fonseca:
KYRA, What the hell is wrong with you? (Cut to Kyra Lee)
Kyra Lee Of The Lacustrian Pod:
There is a dark magic that surrounds this ERod The Blockbuster Buster (Cut to Paulo Fonseca)
Paulo Fonseca:
It can’t be the hammer he possesses; it’s the same hammer that James accessed to save Crosslyn and the other two that were possessed and were going to kill James.
Kyra Lee Of The Lacustrian Pod:
I did not know that Paulo Fonseca! Nevertheless, there is something about this ERod The Blockbuster Buster and the magic he possesses that is dark. (Cut to ERod The Blockbuster Buster.)
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
It’s the fact that I used to bust bad movies with the hammer. But that’s not important; what is important right now is that I need to access the AI James uses. (Cut to Paulo Fonseca)
Paulo Fonseca:
Okay, first off, Kyra, his busting bad movies doesn’t mean he is evil. [Beat] Second, ERod, it’s not an AI, it’s a Supercomputer! OR-HAC! Recognize new user ERod, The Blockbuster Buster. (A Circle of light surrounds ERod The Blockbuster Buster as a scanning light goes up and down.)
OR-HAC (Audio Only):
Physical Recognition is complete, prepare voiceprint recognition. (Paulo mouths to ERod “Say something! Anything!”)
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
(Mouths): Hmm? Oh Okay! (Normal): Greetings, Fanboys and Fangirls, I’m ERod and I’m The Blockbuster Buster! (The Sound of Different voices saying ERod’s intro until it matches with ERod The Blockbuster Buster’s voice.)
OR-HAC (Audio Only):
Vocal Recognition complete. New User ERod The Blockbuster Buster is saved in the databanks.
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
Muchimas Gracias Paulo
Paulo Fonseca:
Por Nada.
ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
Okay, James has disappeared. I have the data in my Screwdriver; I need you to analyze it!
OR-HAC (Audio Only):
Pull it out, and I will access the screwdriver. (ERod just pulled out the Sonic Screwdriver.) Data analysis is completed. James is currently trapped in a void of darkness that no one or nothing can escape. Only James must get out before it consumes the studio and the entirety of the building! (Cut to everyone saying “Oh!” or “Okay!” or something similar until everyone shouts “WHAT?!” as it cuts to black!)
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