Monday, January 16, 2017

Bad Romance: Is The Fifty Shades Of Grey series secretly smart?

(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. We're all aware of the Fifty Shades Of Grey books and the first movie that happened two years ago and the next movie coming out in a few weeks and next year the finale of this movie series that are a step below Z-Grade Soft Core Adult Movies. (Cut to clips of the first movie based on these books and clips from the "Fifty Shades Darker" trailer as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And yes, I WHOLLY AGREE with The Nostalgia Kid and every Internet reviewer who despise these as the Soft Core Schlock. But as I checked out the books and the clips from the first movie, I noticed certain themes, motifs and even certain truths that are prevalent in our society. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So before I see even ONE angry mob listen to why I ask this question Is "The Fifty Shades Of Grey" series secretly smarter than we give it credit for? (Cut to clips of the first movie based on these books and clips from the "Fifty Shades Darker" trailer as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well I won't say it's on the same level as say something from Stephen Hawkins or anyone that same level. But I will say that it's not as dumb as some make it out to be. Creepy as ALL Get out but what do you expect when Fifty Shades Of Grey's source material is a adult romantic Twilight fanfic! That's right, the source behind Fifty Shades of Grey is a Twilight Fanfic! So I know it's good! Oy Vey! But regardless is the romance between Christian Grey & Anastasia Steele better or worse than the one between Bella & Edward. Well in The Twilight books Edward actually didn't want anything to do with Bella in the beginning it was through circumstance and bad decisions on Bella's part that made Edward slowly fall for Bella and conversely Bella was not interested in Edward in the beginning and it was because Edward was basically doing everything to keep her safe from harm that she doesn't do anything to harm Edward's family that she slowly begins not only to empower herself but discovers her emotional attachment to Edward was more than just some little crush. There was something there that the two could draw strength from each other. The romance between Anastasia and Christian on the other hand is very much like a hunter after his prey. But in a weird way it's even more realistic to how things may come to be. Christian has an agreement in order for him to be in bed doing the "In Bed Tango" with Anastasia whenever he wants and to a degree it's a little too realistic in some way it feels as if we NEED to have a legally binding contract just to go on a date in the first place. But for the sake of legal authenticity I did research and asked a lawyer to see if this contract has any legal standing ANYWHERE and I can conclusively say that it is NOT worth the paper it is written on. But I do understand Christian Grey's mentality on why he would even suggest it. He thinks romance and the in-bed tango is no different than a business deal and yeah his own backstory as a character makes me understand why he's the way he is, doesn't make him a good character but I understand the mentality of Christian. As for the intensity of adult themes of Fifty Shades Of Grey I would have to say yeah it is so close to being a Z-Grade Stag Film that it's not even funny. But that's because I know I'd never force myself onto a woman or even go as far as Christian goes when he wants Anastasia. However I do know that there are groups who are into that type of stuff and I won't judge them, if it's what they like then that is how they want to live their lives. Do I agree with their way of thinking when it comes to what arouses them?  No. Though it does take different strokes to move this rock. Will I talk to them socially without prejudice? Definitely. I don't judge people for what they do in their private life. If they think I'd be into certain things like say certain adult things, well I'm not a prude but I would like to think if I say no they know better and let me be and I think that's where it is smarter than it's source material. If it has attracted people into some of the darker and more twisted views of romance well I'd probably like to think it was in them already and this just made them feel as if they were as normal as anyone else. So it is smart but not as secretly smart as I thought it was. But it is smart in a certain way we can't think of it being. Do I recommend the books and/or movies? Hell No! Will I ever review them? I maybe crazy, but I'm not that far gone! All I can tell you is if you are into this and you've found something to like, then good for you. Me I'll try to enjoy the more realistic aspects of romance. If I'm ever in a relationship with a woman. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get myself ready to deal with possibly my greatest assault on my intelligence ever. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

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