(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah, it’s truth telling time.
Everything from The Kim Possible crossover and Reality Checkout backtracking to
the American Pie movie franchise reviews were done just before this current
crisis that has ALL of us quarantined which means my plans for this year including
this… (James pulls out the “To Be Continued in…. “The Last Of The Americans:
The Movie” coming in 2020” Card then James saying “Is now more likely this!” as
James’ right hand takes the last zero out and replaces it with a one making the
year 2021! James shoves it out of frame.) And for that I am sorry! But any way
the quarantine has me back home with certain people. However I am still committed to my duties and responsibilities to manic-expression.com and that includes talking
about a great character actress by the name of Arielle Kebbel! (Cut to stills
of Arielle Kebbel and her career so far as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
And for a 35-year-young person, she has had quite a career. Starting as a
contestant in the 2002 Miss Florida Teen USA beauty pageant eventually
transitioning to a career in acting in TV Shows like “Gilmore Girls”, “Law and
Order: SVU” & “The Vampire Diaries” and currently starring on “ Lincoln
Rhyme: The Hunt For The Bone Collector”
and movies like “Soul Plane”, “John Tucker Must Die” and… (Show Poster
of “Fifty Shades Freed” as James says “Oh god no!” cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
But still she has had a great career and Arielle still has a future that might
get her critical acclaim and earn her awards. Just as long as people forgive
her for her appearance in this movie.
(Cut to trailer credit of “Aquamarine” then clips of the movie as the
song “Connected” by Sara Paxton plays and James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yeah, the movie of 2006 that sank like the Titanic yet somehow made a tiny bit
of profit at the box office. How did that happen? Was it because of the acting,
the writing, the directing? Well with the critical thrashing it got I can tell
you this movie did not get it because the critical reception So, let us see how
this one has gone on to become a cult classic and a favorite to many. (Cut to
James Physically)
TLOTA:
Let’s not waste any time! Because I know I have none, this is “Aquamarine”!
(Cut to the Movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Okay We start off as we hear a voice underwater singing when… (Show the beach club
and the cut storm of the scene) Yeah, I forgot how much they decided to hit the
fast forward while editing this movie. But I think it was just this scene that
used it the most as we are introduced to Hailey and Claire played by Jojo Levesque and
Emma Roberts?! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
It was early in her career as well. Way before… (Show poster of “Valentine’s
Day as James demonically says “THAT!” Cut to the movie as James does his
voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The two apparently have a joint crush on the hunky lifeguard Raymond played by
Jake McDorman and apparently, they’re not the only one as we’re introduced to Cecilia
Banks played by Arielle Kebbel however it’s not the only problem they have as
Hailey and her mom are moving away at the end of the week. At what would be the
last slumber party the two would have a massive storm comes as Hailey and her
mom argue over her moving away and (Show clip as the power goes out and
everything goes haywire then a wave is seen hitting the footage then the next
day as James continues his voiceover) The next day Hailey and Claire see the
pool is filled with seaweed and other things from the ocean. As Hailey tries to
examine closer what else is in there she falls in and Raymond saves her. That
night the two meet up with what is really in the water and it just so happens
to be a… (Show clip of Aquamarine saying that she’s a Mermaid both slowly and
quickly.) That is right, we have a mermaid. Her name is Aquamarine played by Sara
Paxton and Aquamarine is here because she needs to learn about humans and one
other subject. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And I’ll give you three guesses: One) World Politics, Two) The Difference
between Magicks and Science or Three) Love! (Show all clips of her talking
about not knowing about love then to James physically) If you guessed Number
Three, congrats I’ll ship you your case of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum and
Corona Beer, the second the Corona Virus is over. Until then, sorry. (Cut to
the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
However they have to leave when Aquamarine, Hailey and Claire are nearly
spotted by the caretaker played by “Mad Max” and Australian Acting Legend Bruce
Spence. The next morning Hailey and Claire are shocked as the pool is drained.
However Aquamarine avoids being spotted by growing legs but hiding in the pool
room with nothing but a blue pool toy. However, Aquamarine’s need for clothing
is resolved thanks to Hailey’s shirt and a bit of ingenuity. The three have a
little fun which is stopped with a call from Aquamarine’s dad on her “Shell
Phone” (Unenthusiastically Laughing which ends in a sigh.) But apparently Aquamarine’s
dad is angered by her daughter’s anguish. Thankfully before a typhoon hits,
Aquamarine’s dad calms down. So now Aquamarine has three days to discover love
or else She’s getting an arranged marriage to a rich squid. And how does she
know love exists?
(Cut to clip of Aquamarine saying she saw it once and that she wants it! Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
If she has a relative named Madison and her husband’s name is Allen, it’d make
SO much sense!
(Two voices cry, one for a sitz bath and another one crying for James’ Help is heard)
TLOTA:
My life is a never-ending nightmare of insanity! I’ll be back. However, if
you’re checking this out instead of working on the cure to the virus so we can get
back to normal then click out and GET BACK TO WORK GODDAMNIT! (James fumes out
grabbing two Tranquilizer guns as it fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark
of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the
half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls
back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the
0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed
with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera
pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut
to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The three look and see that Aquamarine is taking a fancy towards Raymond, So
much so that with the Subtlety of a school of Sharks, Aquamarine quickly asks
the question to Raymond! But Raymond quickly rebuffs her. Hailey and Claire
agree to help her and that’d lead to them getting a wish. Because if you help a
mermaid, you get a wish. Okay! While cleaning out the pool Leonard, The Bruce
Spence Character, discovers a necklace and a scale. Meanwhile, Hailey and
Claire begin to help Aquamarine with the typical teen movie clichés. However, this
gets on Cecilia’s bad side and declares war on Aquamarine. (Cut to clip of Aquamarine
calling Cecilia dim sighted, Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Um… Snap?! Really even though I have teen twin nieces and they have a little sister;
I don’t know how teens do things these days. OKAY I GET IT I’M AN OLD DIRTY MAN
FOR WATCHING THIS MOVIE! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Apparently Aquamarine has to quickly discover everything about boys in time to
talk to Raymond at a Street Fair that same day! Which they go to an hour later
as they do more Teen clichés. Okay seriously what’s up with the clichés? Apparently
Aquamarine gets Raymond’s attentions however as the night grows closer
Aquamarine’s tail starts to return and if she’s exposed it’d be bad, I’m
talking really bad. (Cut to clips of Splash as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
I’m talking about being used for scientific experimentation in a tank after
being exposed at a dinner by an overzealous Eugene Levy character. (Cut to
James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, last comparison to Splash but seriously if you saw this and you had the
come up to the same surprising comparison, it wouldn’t surprise me! (Cut to the
movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Cecilia comes in to take Raymond, Just as Aquamarine is asked out to “The Last Splash”!
OKAY MOVIE, THERE’S ENOUGH ROOM FOR ME TO MAKE THE REFERENCES TO… (Cut to “The
Last Splash” scenes. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Oh, it’s a party to celebrate the end of Summer! Okay, My bad! (Cut to the
movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Aquamarine and Hailey decide that a water tank would be a good hiding spot for
her while on land at night. That night Hailey and Claire plan to help Aquamarine
to get Raymond with a Makeover montage! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So I guess they’re sacrificing their crush on Raymond to help Aquamarine find
love? I guess that’s a good moral, but I don’t know if anyone saw that? (Cut to
the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
While getting Starfish that act like talking Earrings, I’m just going with this
with the mind set of getting done quickly, this happens. (Show clip of
Aquamarine telling how she discovered love by a couple as it turns out Aquamarine
was present on the day her parents died. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So, Claire’s parents were the reason Aquamarine discovered love and she was
there the day they died! WHY IS CLAIRE
WILLINGLY HELPING THE PERSON WHO WAS A WITNESS TO HER PARENTS DEATH?! (The
sound of Muffled voices screaming at James to stop getting angry and yelling
are heard. James grabs two tranquilizer guns and walks away. Cut to the movie
as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Apparently Aquamarine discovers Cecilia’s story about asking Raymond to the
Last Splash and is heartbroken. However Claire is refusing to stop helping the
person who again is the witness to her parents death with Claire getting
Raymond and Hailey stopping Aquamarine by reminding her of what is going to
happen if she returns. Aqua and Hailey hang out bathtub side eating “Phish
Food” Ice Cream, funny, as Raymond comes in! Thankfully Raymond decides to ask
Aquamarine to “The Last Splash”. Just before they kiss, Aquamarine has to head
back to the water tank for the night as Cecilia discovers Aquamarine’s mermaid
secret and plans on exposing her the next day. Thankfully Leonard shows up and
rescues Aquamarine at the last moment to give Aquamarine her necklace back
meaning that he knew and promised to keep her secret meaning he gets a wish
granted! Aqua and Raymond meet and Aqua asks Raymond again if she loves her.
Raymond is still stymied at the thought when (Show Cecilia as she throws
Aquamarine into the water then a storm erupts, cut to James physically as he
grabs two tranquilizer guns. Cut to James as he walks out the front door)
TLOTA:
Well, This is just a perfect moment this year! (Cut to the sky as it shows dark
clouds and a raspy voice saying “Subcreatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer The Destroyer!
Volghuss Zildrahar the traveler has come!” Cut to James as he walks back in and
fires the tranquilizers into the sources of the voices wondering what’s going
on. Cut to James as he walks into his room!)
TLOTA:
Well Cecilia, I hope that you’re proud of yourself, you unleashed Gozer! What
can you do for an encore?
(Cut to the movie as Cecilia as she asks Raymond out after she tosses Aquamarine, exposing her mermaid secret! Cut to James physically with his Jaw agape!)
TLOTA:
You…have…GOT…TO BE…KIDDING….ME! (James gets up as it cuts to a Still image of
Lisa from “The Room” and James in the still as he grabs the frozen still of
Lisa out of the scene. Cut to a Still image of Cecilia, Raymond and Aquamarine
from “Aquamarine” as James knocks Raymond and Aquamarine with Raymond getting a
Wilhelm scream out of him out and puts Lisa in the place of Raymond and James
where Aquamarine is.)
TLOTA:
OKAY AUDIENCE, IT’S TIME TO PLAY “WHO’S WORSE?” CECILIA FROM “AQUAMARINE” OR
LISA FROM “THE ROOM”! Let us list the atrocities, shall we? Lisa from “The
Room” constantly cheated on Johnny with Mark. She has had no qualms about doing
whatever it took to get Johnny out of her life to be with Mark, She faked a
story about Johnny hitting her, she lied about carrying Johnny’s child, 95
percent of her conversations with her Breast Cancer riddled mother is about how
much she hates Johnny, even though she agreed to be his wife! Lisa causes
Johnny to commit Suicide even after she becomes the cause of Johnny’s demise
while looking over Johnny’s corpse she still tries to get Mark! Cecilia from “Aquamarine”
has made herself transparent that she’ll do whatever it takes to get Raymond.
She had her stooges basically lie about her taking Raymond to the Last Splash.
Cecilia nearly exposes her to the public on the news, we have Bruce Spence to
thank for that not happening then just as things couldn’t get worse with
Raymond not knowing how to feel about Aquamarine Cecilia tosses her back to the ocean
exposing Aquamarine to Raymond and unleashing GOZER and as if it weren’t that
bad she STILL decides to hit on Raymond as all HELL BREAKS LOOSE AND SHE IS THE
CAUSE OF THE OCEANS RISING TO DESTROY US ALL! Oh, who am I kidding they’re both
equally as bad! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Raymond rebukes Cecilia caring more for Aquamarine. Cecilia causer of the
Apocalypse handles the loss well. (Show clip of Cecilia shrieking “NO!” cutting
to James physically as his ears are bleeding and his glasses lenses shatter)
TLOTA:
Well thank you Cecilia causer of the Apocalypse, I didn’t need my glasses or
hearing! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Hailey and Claire run into the water attempting to rescue Aquamarine from her
father sacrificing their wishes to save her and apparently the tears from
Aquamarine were enough proof to Aquamarine’s father that love exists! WOW
MOVIE…just…JUST WOW! You built up that if Aquamarine showed her father that
love existed by trying to hook up Raymond and Aquamarine, when in reality it
was the power of love through friendship that the three have that saved the
day! Excuse me for a moment. (The sound of James walking away and James closing
a door as he screams like a banshee is heard, then the sound of James returning
is heard as an audible sigh is heard.) So yeah, The movie ends with Aquamarine
and Raymond talk about having a romantic relationship and Claire and Hailey sad
knowing that even though they will be apart, they’ll still be friends and a
montage of photos of the three and the good times they had. (Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA:
So that was “Aquamarine” and maybe it’s because it came out when my twin nieces
were too young or I was starting to phase out of that type of movies but yeah I
liked it but it didn’t leave an impact on me. (Cut to clips of the movie as
“Island In The Sun” plays and James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
It’s not as bad as say “Fish Tales” or as confusingly awful as “The Three
Tails: A Mermaid Adventure” but there is some wrong in it. The clichés were
just too much, the whole romance vs love thing just seemed too jumbled up and I
kind of felt that any morals and lessons learned were not absorbed well. But
the acting wasn’t bad, the writing while hard to deal with was well handled in
a story like this, the effects were seamless and the directing was competent at
best. Do I recommend it? As a guilty pleasure absolutely but only as a rental.
It is not worth the extra few bucks to own this movie. (Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA:
Besides it didn’t exactly make stars overnight nor did it kill every career.
Arielle Kebbel came out just fine. I mean look at her IMDB, Look at her. (Cut
to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)
TLOTA (Audio only):
With her New York Apartment, her couch, her well cared for body. (Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA:
Her eyes that appear to be stabbing daggers into my sou.. (James groans like
Moe from The Three Stooges. Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)
Arielle Kebbel:
James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. (Cut to James in his room)
TLOTA:
Arielle Kebbel? (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)
Arielle Kebbel:
That’s right and I have a few bones to pick with you. You may have found me and
a lot of my work enjoyable, but I wish I could say the same about you. (Cut to
James physically)
Arielle Kebbel (Audio
only):
You see James, I don’t like your reviews but guess what I found… (Cut to
Arielle Kebbel physically)
Arielle Kebbel:
You see I did some digging around and found footage from the archives of
Sullivan County BOCES and the Liberty High School 2002-2003 school year and in
them a whole lot of feature a certain future Internet Reviewer by the name of
James Faraci! (Cut to James in his room)
TLOTA:
I knew this was coming, if you think I wasn’t expecting this, I’ve been waiting
since Mara Wilson took on a Meshuginah Schmuck from Chicago for this moment!
(Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)
Arielle Kebbel:
Really? Ever since then? (Cut to James in his room)
TLOTA:
Oh yeah! Let’s do it! (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)
Arielle Kebbel:
Okay James, Your funeral! PLAY IT! (Static cuts to old footage of James singing
and performing in The Sullivan County BOCES Concerts. Cut to James as he starts
to look away but then sees his performances and smiles)
TLOTA:
Oh MY GOD! Look at me! (Cut to the old footage of James performing as James
does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Even back then I was as hammy as all get out! And look at my haircuts! How in
the hell did I not get my ass kicked for looking that and those different style
glasses, What was I thinking? (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)
Arielle Kebbel:
Uh Okay, I wasn’t expecting that reaction. (Cut to James in His Room)
TLOTA:
Looking back at me at my youngest and as I progress, WOW! (Cut to the old
footage of James as he does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Even then I was the overstuffed Square Peg trying to fit into the round hole!
And what about the style of clothing! I knew looking back one day I’d be saying
to myself “What was I thinking? Was I thinking at all?” (Cut to James in his
room)
TLOTA:
Wow, this look back down memory lane was the necessary reminder of why should
get out and how I can fit in! (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)
Arielle Kebbel:
Okay, WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?!
(Arielle Kebbel goes to get her usual needs to read a script.) Sorry for
breaking character but I’m reading the script and it says “Arielle Kebbel
torments and tortures James Faraci The Last Of The Americans until he breaks
and Arielle Kebbel maniacally laughs as it cuts to black and the words drenched
in blood read “Hollywood will win, No matter what!”. As you say every now and
then “WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE IS GOING ON?”! (Cut to the old footage
of James as James stands in front of it)
TLOTA:
You wanna know? I’ll tell ya! You and most of the acting community believe us
Internet Reviewers are all the same! Pissy little angry fanboys who hide in
front a camera or computer, scared of being hurt by Hollywood! That is where
you are wrong Kebbel! I’m not a little angry fanboy! I am James Benjamin
Faraci, I AM THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! I FEAR NO ONE OR NO THING! YOU WANT
FEAR! (James takes off his glasses) FEAR THIS! (James starts to pull off his
face as it cuts to Arielle Kebbel as she says, “What the hell is going on?” Cut
to James as the skin around the neck start to tear off as he screams. Cut to
Arielle Kebbel as she starts to look in terror at the situation and said “If
you turn out to be an alien, given everything that’s happened so far this year
it wouldn’t surprise me if I was right!”.
Cut to James as his face starts to come off and he screams again in more pain.
Cut to Arielle Kebbel as she shouts “JAMES, IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE DOING I
SWEAR I…” Cut to James as his face finally comes off and reveals an ever
expanding Kayla High Face as it starts the “Remember Me, Eddie” moment from
“Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” When The bit
goes into the part of where Judge Doom says “I talked” the scene cuts to Arielle
Kebbel with a look of complete fear on her face. Cut back as the face as it
covers the entirety of the scream of Judge Doom shouting “JUST…LIKE
THIIIIIIIIIIIIS!” and the shout of the word of “THIS” is held as it cuts to
Arielle Kebbel as she screams “No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” then slams to
black as letters in Blood Red say “FIND THE CORONA VIRUS CURE! NOW!”. Fade to
Black)
No comments:
Post a Comment