The "Reunion" Slice Of Pie

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and now we’ve come to the final slice of pie and believe me I wish it was good. (Cut to title card of “American Reunion”. Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“American Reunion” may just be the least liked film in the entry because it had the idea of trying to put our fully-grown adult protagonists back into high school shenanigans and hope it works. Well it took a few years but it happened better as John Cena, Ike Barenholtz and Leslie Mann did it in a similar movie, but will this movie be as good as “Blockers”? Or will this final slice of pie leave me with a bad taste in my mouth? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let’s get this final slice of pie in us this is “American Reunion” (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Our movie begins with… (Audio of “Bump N Grind” by R. Kelly) What?  (Show opening as it shows Michelle taking care of the baby and Jim on his laptop as the song plays over it) OKAY TIME OUT! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I SEE SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS INTRO! (Show opening as it shows Michelle taking care of the baby and Jim on his laptop as the song plays over it as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number One) The Song that plays in this opening minute! “Bump N Grind” by R. Kelly?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! AS OF THIS POST AS FAR AS I KNOW, AND FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME IN THE COMMENT SECTION IF I’M WRONG,  R.KELLY IS IN A PRISON CELL WITH THE TRAMP STAMP OF “CHOMO” BRANDED ON HIM AS HIS CELLMATE IS WEAVING UP AND DOWN THE HERSHEY HIGHWAY!

Number Two) WHY SUCH A LAME SET UP?! BETWEEN THE “CHOMO”’S SONG IN THE FOREGROUND I THOUGHT, ME PERSONALLY THEY WERE DOING IT WITH THEIR SON IN THE BEDROOM PROVING JIM’S DAD WRONG.

And finally, WHY IS JIM USING THE “CHOMO”’S SONG BEING USED TO HELP HIS KID WHILE LOOKING UP PORN WHEN HIS WIFE IS RIGHT THERE TO HELP HIM! GAAH! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
We’re already a minute and a half into this movie and I am now foaming at the mouth, this is not good for me! I can see it getting worse before it gets better! (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Anyway, we soon discover that Jim and Michelle have a son and their sex life has hit a lull as Michelle finds heaven whispering sweet nothings to a shower head and Jim as he should done in the first movie use the internet for what it’s for. (Show clip of James and his male friends singing Trekkie’s lines in “The Internet is for Porn” from the first “American Pie“ movie review. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Did I just use a clip of me and my friends in January where we sang the first Chorus of “The Internet Is For Porn”?  I must be getting low on different clips. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim’s son Evan played by George Christopher Bianchi interrupts daddy during his private time, Jim slams his laptop on his penis probably giving the poor kid a serious psychological scar which will never heal. We soon meet up with Jim as he gets a call from Kevin talking about a Reunion as we see Kevin having happily gotten over Vicki with his wife Ellie played by Charlene Amoia and promising no Stiffler. But apparently Finch and Oz have lost touch with  Jim and Kevin as we see Oz now one step away from “Benchwarmers 2” as a sports commentator on a sports news series and is a successful celebrity dating a woman by the name of Mia played Katrina Bowden as her “Interior redecorator” played by Raheem Babalola hang out hot tub side. And we soon find out that Stiffler still collecting those Sexual restraining orders while working at a Investment firm being made to suffer the slings and arrows of his boss. Finally getting a small amount of Comeuppance for his Jackassery. Meanwhile Jim, Michelle and Evan make it to Jim’s dad’s place as we discover that he had a young friend named Kara who invites Jim to her 18^th birthday party and I have Captain Benson on Speed dial just for the record. Jim once again returns to “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” when we discover Jim’s mom has since passed on meaning Molly Cheek was too busy to get involved in this turkey and I personally can’t blame her. Meanwhile they talk about Evan’s future Sex Life as Kevin, Jim, Oz and Finch who apparently dropped off the map find their way to their local bar as the bartender named Selena played by Dania Ramirez finds the old clip of Jim’s shame. Stiffler now living with his mom and finding the others. We soon see they look to their senior class wishes and know that many of them are feeling as if they haven’t achieved their desires yet and decide to get together for the raunchiest weekend of their lives as we soon cut to Jim passed out in the Kitchen having no pants and no idea what in the hell happened and (Cut to every clip of Will Smith in “Fresh Prince Of Bel Air as he shouts “MAMA NO!” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I agree with Will on this one, I need a moment myself.

(The scene fades to black as James shouts “MAMA NO!” and the echo permeates the sound of the commercial break before cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As everyone once again heads upstate for the weekend we soon discover that Jim and the others they’re not as they once were, and Finch says probably the biggest load in the history of the franchise. (Show clip of Finch saying “Us, our generation, We were more mature” repeatedly as clips of them doing sexual things that’d get them into trouble with the law now a days. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah you were Finch, Whatever gets you through another day I suppose. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim and the others look at Oz’s Girlfriend and let’s face it, she’s good looking but unless you’ve got something awesome, it’s just a pretty wrapper. Speaking of which, one moment. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller’s office as she is working on certain things and James comes in and surprise kisses her)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What was that about?

TLOTA:
Just wanted to thank you for being something awesome in my life.

Julia Alexa Miller:
No Donkey Show at the B.P.

TLOTA:
I wasn’t going down that route, we’re probably gonna have a cake with the guys and have a Chicken Barbeque.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well as long as I…

TLOTA:
You can go Frickin’ Hog Wild at your Girls Night Out!

Julia Alexa Miller:
Thank you. (The two kiss and James walks away. Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Oz soon rediscovers Heather as she and her boyfriend Ron meet and a punk named AJ who I assume is a distant relative to Stiffler as he decides anything Stiffler did he can do more of and get away with it but our five friends band together to get those guys for the shenanigans they would’ve done if they had no inhibitions as Stiffler gives them a dose of their own medicine by dumping in their cooler and then proceeds to destroy their jet skis! Meanwhile Vicky arrives and the gang makes it to Kara’s 18^th Birthday Party just as sparks fly between Finch and Selena, Oz and Heather and their significant others chat with another as Oz’s significant other Kara gets drunk leaving Jim to take her home and apparently Kevin and Vicky had a night where they hook up.  Meanwhile Stiffler has an opportunity to get out of being a Temp as he has to set up a presentation for his boss while trying to get to the reunion. Amid all of that, Kara believes there’s something between her and Jim and that leads to a party at Stiffler’s and before you can say “Been There, Done That”. A brawl ensues at the Party, Michelle and Jim hit the rough patch after what happened between him and Kara is revealed, Jim’s dad even after knowing Stiffler decides to join Stiffler in drinking and meets Stiffler’s mom, Oz’s Girlfriend gets hopped up on Ecstasy and Heather’s Boyfriend known as D-Ron turns out to be a D-Bag and both Heather and Oz reunite, Finch is arrested for stealing a Motorcycle and everyone admits they hate Stiffler because of him being Stiffler. Feeling like the loser he should be, he ends the party! (Cut to Stiffler walking away from the others ending the party as the audio of Eric Cartman shouting “Get the hell out I said! The Party’s over, GET OUT GOD DAMN IT!” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Geez Stiffler, if you don’t like the truth, just do what most people do, get into Politics! (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next morning everyone suffer the ramifications from the party hit everyone comes to the reunion Finch got bailed out as he tells the truth as he reveals he’s an assistant manager at Staples and was denied a raise, so in turn he stole his bosses’ motorcycle. They also apologize to Stiffler because without him, High School even with everything that’s happened to them was interesting and fun and after saying what he said to his boss which in the real world would get him fired. The five hit the reunion. Stiffler becomes a Party Planner for two of his friend’s wedding and finds Finch’s mom and hooks up with her in an act of revenge to Finch as he hooked up with Stiffler’s mom,  Jessica comes out as a lesbian, Selena and Finch apologize and hookup, Nadia meets up with everyone, Jim after letting Kara know what it is with him reunites with Michelle. And our movie ends with our friends agreeing to meet at least once a year as everyone moves back to town even though Finch and Selena plan to go traveling for a while and in a mid-credit scene Jim’s dad and Stiffler’s mom decide to date. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was “American Reunion” and all things considered, it was a good send off slice of “Pie” but not as good it should’ve been. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
All things considered it wasn’t a bad movie it just felt like month old pie. The acting was good as was the story and the fact they restrained themselves in the usage of Gross out humor is a positive but a lot of it feels Cut, Copy and Paste in terms of where the movie was going to go.  It feels like its saying to its audience “Yeah we’re as old as you are, and we’ve given everything we had, and I hope it was a fun nostalgia trip for you.” And for me, it was a good idea just poorly conceived at the point it was made.  It took a few years to perfect it with “Blockers”. If you enjoyed it, good for you.  I tried to enjoy it but ultimately this was the one slice of pie too many for me to stomach.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion.

"Pie" slice number "2"

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well after the success of the first movie, Universal saw dollar signs in that there pie and decided to take a second slice! (Cut to title card of “American Pie 2”. Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“American Pie 2” continues the adventures of Jim, Oz, Stiffler, Kevin and the rest of the gang as they take a summer break after their first years in college, see if the feelings they have for one another is real or was just a flaky crust filled with lies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let’s see if this slice is as good as the first one, this is “American Pie 2”. (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Our movie opens in college as Jim and a lady friend as he tries to continue his sexual escapades just as Jim’s parents played again by Eugene Levy and Molly Cheek  surprise him in mid-escapade leading to Jim’s dad dropping the beer, Jim becoming embarrassed, Jim’s mom to drop a pie (NOT THAT KIND! GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTERS) And Jim’s lady friend’s father to come in and nearly kill Jim.  After our opening credit, we see Oz studying as Stiffler continues to be as annoying as anyone like him would be. After getting through a final exam for the year Oz picks up Heather and Kevin joins them. Back with Jim, as he is staying with his parents in what fans of this franchise has called “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” as his thoughts turn to his friends and Nadia. Jim’s dad tells how he found out about the Nadia incident through the PTA and how he and Jim’s mom did it for the first time. After that Finch, Jim, Kevin and Oz meet at their hangout as they talk about their conquests in their freshman college year, which I would not divulge even to my friends. Meanwhile Stiffler is fast tracking himself to devolving into a Quagmire knockoff! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Seriously dude, someone needs to call SVU and give him a hard way to go! AGAIN, HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTERS! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim is reminded of The Nadia incident again, Oz must say goodbye to Heather, While Heather and Vicki return just in time to come to Stiffler’s party. As Kevin and Vicki try to reignite some old sparks, Stiffler tries to return Oz to his old chauvinistic self and Finch is creepily perv stalking Stiffler’s mom! However old wounds are opened as Stiffler catches Finch in the act and nearly kills the dude! Not long after that Stiffler decides to woo a teenager with as Chris Jericho has been known for saying as of late (Cut to Chris Jericho saying, “A Little Bit Of The Bubbly!” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) However one Patron can’t hold his piss and long story short Stiffler gets a Golden Shower instead of the lady he was into at the party! As the cops breaks the party up. Kevin and his brother talk about how he feels somewhat disconnected from the other and Kevin’s brother decides to help by getting him a lake shore place so that he, Jim, Finch and Oz can spend the summer with each otherer and bond. Just as that goes on Nadia got back into the country legally, I hope, and gets a chance to talk to Jim and Nadia is coming to meet him at the end of the summer! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well Jim, you’re boned! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Worried he might not be able to get it done, AGAIN! Oz and Finch try to reassure Jim he’ll be fine just as Kevin gets the cabin and hope for the best this summer. However, leave it to Stiffler to join them and make it hard for them to enjoy said summer. Kevin lays out some ground rules and hopes Stiffler and Finch can remain in neutral corners. As the five set themselves up in their cabin, Kevin gets them a summer job. Meanwhile Jim thinks of Michelle as he stalks her by going to her band camp! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay this movie is close to getting restraining orders from EVERYONE on my team! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim finds Michelle teaching Flute to some campers, Jim asks if he was any good, Michelle says he was not! OUCH! However, Michelle decides to get Jim to stay incognito and wouldn’t you know it, Summer Camp hilarity does NOT ensue as Jim is given a trombone, mistaken for someone named Petey and can’t play for crap and blows it. I swear I think a title they floated around was “Jim Levinstein’s Life as an embarrassing and never ending spiral of shame and sadness, leading to him eventually killing himself taking down a perv named Steve Stiffler in a van down by the river” But went with the American Pie moniker because it was simpler! As Kevin sets up a party in which the guests are 99% male and 1% female. But leave it to Stiffler to try and add more ladies to the party which surprisingly works. After that Jessica and Stiffler talk about the opposite ends of “The Rule Of Three” whatever that means! The five pie guys discover ladies live in the house they’re painting. Meanwhile Heather and Oz quickly discover that distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder so get that through your heads humanity and they hit the rough shores of Phone sex as the two are cockblocked by Stiffler! Speaking of Stiffler, he tries to prove his theory right by searching through their house and wouldn’t you know Jim, Stiffler and Finch are busted and forced to kiss and the fact they get busted as it’s heard throughout town! Even worse, Stiffler’s theory of them being Lesbians is blown out of the water! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
TO EVERY LGBTQ PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE, THE GALAXY AND BEYOND AS A HETEROSEXUAL MALE WHO IS INTO WOMEN AND A REPUBLICAN WHICH MEANS, IN THE MAINSTREAM NEWS/MEDIA, I, THE “ENEMY” OF YOUR EXISTENCE ONE HUNDRED TRILLION, DECA-QUADRILLION PERCENT MEAN WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY! I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS MOVIE FRANCHISE’S EXISTANCE! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Stiffler tries to make up for their mishaps, his mother calls to tell she’s going to be in town for the party and Jim invites Michelle to the shindig and to wonder why she left. Her rational? It was a date and that was it, there was nothing more to it! (Cut to Naked Gun 33 & 1/3 head slapping scene. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover) As Michelle tries to give pointers to Jim it appears the two are getting closer to an actual romantic relationship! If that happens, I’ma calling “Ripley’s”! Meanwhile our friends continue their plans for the party Jim mistakes Super Glue for personal lubricant and with one hand on his junk and the other on a porn tape! Seriously Jim, your life is a series of mishaps that end with you getting drunk and killing yourself in a van down by the river! After that Jim now questions how messed up his life is! But the fact that James’ dad has his back is a positive. After that, Heather and Oz continue to sail on rough waters on the relationship. Just as that goes on Nadia surprises Jim by arriving a week early. Coming up with a plan quickly Michelle and Jim begin a fake romance which quickly and surprisingly start to become real even though he tries to still hook up with Nadia. (Cut to James physically as he takes off his glasses)

TLOTA:
Jim, you have got to be the BIGGEST SCHMUCK ON THE PLANET! WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU HAVE A BAND CAMP GIRL THAT OKAY YOU STALKED BUT STILL SHE’S GIVING YOU THE TIME OF DAY AND WILL ROCK YOUR SOCK OFF TO JUPITER AND BACK! ANY GUY, EVEN A POOR HAPLESS JACKASS LIKE ME WOULD WALK BAREFOOT, BUCKNAKED AND BACKWARDS THROUGH HELL FOR THAT! YOU PUTZ! I TAKE BACK ANY SYMPATHETIC NOTION I HAD ABOUT YOU AND I MEAN EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF MISERY YOU BRING UPON YOURSELF TO THE POINT YOU WIND UP OFFING YOURSELF IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER! Okay, now that I got that out of my system, let’s get back to work (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim and Michelle fake break up so he can hook up with Nadia, Michelle discovers something she never felt, real emotions for Jim outside of knowing he’s the embarrassment of his graduating class and she honey potted him! But no time for that, it’s party time. Kevin loses Vicki to a date, Nadia sees that Jim loves Michelle more than her and basically says “GET HER BACK YOU SCHMUCK!” after telling Nadia his band camp story and he realizes his feelings for Michelle, Kevin decides to move on past Vicki, Stiffler’s little brother actually arrives not Stiffler’s mom and tries to hook up with older women but Stiffler puts him on Police patrol but finds himself with the fake lesbians on the radio, Finch tells ladies about tantra, Heather and Oz reunite after a summer apart, Sherman and Nadia surprisingly hook up! The fake lesbians arrive, and Stiffler says he’ll do anything for them, just as Michelle performs her solo Jim arrives trombone in hand and the two fall in love right there and then! And I immediately regret my rant. As the party ends everyone finds themselves in the best point in their lives. And as the Summer ends Stiffler’s mom arrives and before you can say “Stat Rape level 2” She and Finch drive off into the sunset! What a way to end the second movie?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was “American Pie 2” and as a sequel it’s no “Empire Strikes Back” but when it comes to raising the bar in its own universe, it didn’t need to do that much. (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While I did find parts of it interesting, like the continuation of where the story started and most of the character development is positive though I wish we got some explanation as to why certain characters are like. Say why Michelle just seems to be so dismissive towards men’s advances. Or why Stiffler continues to act like a high school jackass, even though he’s in college. Plus, much like the first movie, it shows its age quickly. However, despite my problems with it, I do find it entertaining. A Popcorn flick for those who are 18 and over but otherwise not the worst movie in the franchise. A good second movie in a series and I don’t think it will be forgotten any time soon.  (Cut to James as he hears a knock on the door)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller opens the door and walks in)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So how much longer do you have before you’re done. (Julia Alexa Miller walks to James)

TLOTA:
I’ve got two more theatrical releases and the four straight-to-DVD films.  But you know something, I’ll take a break until next month to continue with the rest of this!  (James and Julia Alexa Miller kiss)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So what’s the plan for what we have coming up?

TLOTA:
Well I’m thinking for the first time in years I wait until Feb. 15^th to continue (Audible gasps are heard) There’s a reason why! Let’s just say I’ve got for the first time in a long time to celebrate Valentine’s Day. So, see everyone on the 15^th, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!