(Scene begins as
“Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team
TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make
the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible
then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as
they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the
outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as
the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and now we’ve come to the final slice of pie and believe me I wish it was good. (Cut to title card of “American Reunion”. Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and now we’ve come to the final slice of pie and believe me I wish it was good. (Cut to title card of “American Reunion”. Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
“American Reunion” may just be the least liked film in the entry because it had the idea of trying to put our fully-grown adult protagonists back into high school shenanigans and hope it works. Well it took a few years but it happened better as John Cena, Ike Barenholtz and Leslie Mann did it in a similar movie, but will this movie be as good as “Blockers”? Or will this final slice of pie leave me with a bad taste in my mouth? (Cut to James physically)
“American Reunion” may just be the least liked film in the entry because it had the idea of trying to put our fully-grown adult protagonists back into high school shenanigans and hope it works. Well it took a few years but it happened better as John Cena, Ike Barenholtz and Leslie Mann did it in a similar movie, but will this movie be as good as “Blockers”? Or will this final slice of pie leave me with a bad taste in my mouth? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Let’s get this final slice of pie in us this is “American Reunion” (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
Let’s get this final slice of pie in us this is “American Reunion” (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Our movie begins with… (Audio of “Bump N Grind” by R. Kelly) What? (Show opening as it shows Michelle taking care of the baby and Jim on his laptop as the song plays over it) OKAY TIME OUT! (Cut to James physically)
Our movie begins with… (Audio of “Bump N Grind” by R. Kelly) What? (Show opening as it shows Michelle taking care of the baby and Jim on his laptop as the song plays over it) OKAY TIME OUT! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I SEE SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS INTRO! (Show opening as it shows Michelle taking care of the baby and Jim on his laptop as the song plays over it as James does a voiceover)
I SEE SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS INTRO! (Show opening as it shows Michelle taking care of the baby and Jim on his laptop as the song plays over it as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number One) The Song
that plays in this opening minute! “Bump N Grind” by R. Kelly?! ARE YOU
SERIOUS?! AS OF THIS POST AS FAR AS I KNOW, AND FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME IN THE
COMMENT SECTION IF I’M WRONG, R.KELLY IS
IN A PRISON CELL WITH THE TRAMP STAMP OF “CHOMO” BRANDED ON HIM AS HIS CELLMATE
IS WEAVING UP AND DOWN THE HERSHEY HIGHWAY!
Number Two) WHY SUCH
A LAME SET UP?! BETWEEN THE “CHOMO”’S SONG IN THE FOREGROUND I THOUGHT, ME
PERSONALLY THEY WERE DOING IT WITH THEIR SON IN THE BEDROOM PROVING JIM’S DAD
WRONG.
And finally, WHY IS
JIM USING THE “CHOMO”’S SONG BEING USED TO HELP HIS KID WHILE LOOKING UP PORN WHEN HIS
WIFE IS RIGHT THERE TO HELP HIM! GAAH! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
We’re already a minute and a half into this movie and I am now foaming at the mouth, this is not good for me! I can see it getting worse before it gets better! (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
We’re already a minute and a half into this movie and I am now foaming at the mouth, this is not good for me! I can see it getting worse before it gets better! (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Anyway, we soon discover that Jim and Michelle have a son and their sex life has hit a lull as Michelle finds heaven whispering sweet nothings to a shower head and Jim as he should done in the first movie use the internet for what it’s for. (Show clip of James and his male friends singing Trekkie’s lines in “The Internet is for Porn” from the first “American Pie“ movie review. Cut to James physically)
Anyway, we soon discover that Jim and Michelle have a son and their sex life has hit a lull as Michelle finds heaven whispering sweet nothings to a shower head and Jim as he should done in the first movie use the internet for what it’s for. (Show clip of James and his male friends singing Trekkie’s lines in “The Internet is for Porn” from the first “American Pie“ movie review. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Did I just use a clip of me and my friends in January where we sang the first Chorus of “The Internet Is For Porn”? I must be getting low on different clips. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
Did I just use a clip of me and my friends in January where we sang the first Chorus of “The Internet Is For Porn”? I must be getting low on different clips. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim’s son Evan played by George Christopher Bianchi interrupts daddy during his private time, Jim slams his laptop on his penis probably giving the poor kid a serious psychological scar which will never heal. We soon meet up with Jim as he gets a call from Kevin talking about a Reunion as we see Kevin having happily gotten over Vicki with his wife Ellie played by Charlene Amoia and promising no Stiffler. But apparently Finch and Oz have lost touch with Jim and Kevin as we see Oz now one step away from “Benchwarmers 2” as a sports commentator on a sports news series and is a successful celebrity dating a woman by the name of Mia played Katrina Bowden as her “Interior redecorator” played by Raheem Babalola hang out hot tub side. And we soon find out that Stiffler still collecting those Sexual restraining orders while working at a Investment firm being made to suffer the slings and arrows of his boss. Finally getting a small amount of Comeuppance for his Jackassery. Meanwhile Jim, Michelle and Evan make it to Jim’s dad’s place as we discover that he had a young friend named Kara who invites Jim to her 18th birthday party and I have Captain Benson on Speed dial just for the record. Jim once again returns to “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” when we discover Jim’s mom has since passed on meaning Molly Cheek was too busy to get involved in this turkey and I personally can’t blame her. Meanwhile they talk about Evan’s future Sex Life as Kevin, Jim, Oz and Finch who apparently dropped off the map find their way to their local bar as the bartender named Selena played by Dania Ramirez finds the old clip of Jim’s shame. Stiffler now living with his mom and finding the others. We soon see they look to their senior class wishes and know that many of them are feeling as if they haven’t achieved their desires yet and decide to get together for the raunchiest weekend of their lives as we soon cut to Jim passed out in the Kitchen having no pants and no idea what in the hell happened and (Cut to every clip of Will Smith in “Fresh Prince Of Bel Air as he shouts “MAMA NO!” Cut to James physically)
As Jim’s son Evan played by George Christopher Bianchi interrupts daddy during his private time, Jim slams his laptop on his penis probably giving the poor kid a serious psychological scar which will never heal. We soon meet up with Jim as he gets a call from Kevin talking about a Reunion as we see Kevin having happily gotten over Vicki with his wife Ellie played by Charlene Amoia and promising no Stiffler. But apparently Finch and Oz have lost touch with Jim and Kevin as we see Oz now one step away from “Benchwarmers 2” as a sports commentator on a sports news series and is a successful celebrity dating a woman by the name of Mia played Katrina Bowden as her “Interior redecorator” played by Raheem Babalola hang out hot tub side. And we soon find out that Stiffler still collecting those Sexual restraining orders while working at a Investment firm being made to suffer the slings and arrows of his boss. Finally getting a small amount of Comeuppance for his Jackassery. Meanwhile Jim, Michelle and Evan make it to Jim’s dad’s place as we discover that he had a young friend named Kara who invites Jim to her 18th birthday party and I have Captain Benson on Speed dial just for the record. Jim once again returns to “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” when we discover Jim’s mom has since passed on meaning Molly Cheek was too busy to get involved in this turkey and I personally can’t blame her. Meanwhile they talk about Evan’s future Sex Life as Kevin, Jim, Oz and Finch who apparently dropped off the map find their way to their local bar as the bartender named Selena played by Dania Ramirez finds the old clip of Jim’s shame. Stiffler now living with his mom and finding the others. We soon see they look to their senior class wishes and know that many of them are feeling as if they haven’t achieved their desires yet and decide to get together for the raunchiest weekend of their lives as we soon cut to Jim passed out in the Kitchen having no pants and no idea what in the hell happened and (Cut to every clip of Will Smith in “Fresh Prince Of Bel Air as he shouts “MAMA NO!” Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And I agree with Will on this one, I need a moment myself.
And I agree with Will on this one, I need a moment myself.
(The scene fades to black as James
shouts “MAMA NO!” and the echo permeates the sound of the commercial break
before cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last
Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cutting to James as he
stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before
cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As everyone once again heads upstate for the weekend we soon discover that Jim and the others they’re not as they once were, and Finch says probably the biggest load in the history of the franchise. (Show clip of Finch saying “Us, our generation, We were more mature” repeatedly as clips of them doing sexual things that’d get them into trouble with the law now a days. Cut to James physically)
As everyone once again heads upstate for the weekend we soon discover that Jim and the others they’re not as they once were, and Finch says probably the biggest load in the history of the franchise. (Show clip of Finch saying “Us, our generation, We were more mature” repeatedly as clips of them doing sexual things that’d get them into trouble with the law now a days. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Yeah you were Finch, Whatever gets you through another day I suppose. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
Yeah you were Finch, Whatever gets you through another day I suppose. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim and the others look at Oz’s Girlfriend and let’s face it, she’s good looking but unless you’ve got something awesome, it’s just a pretty wrapper. Speaking of which, one moment. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller’s office as she is working on certain things and James comes in and surprise kisses her)
As Jim and the others look at Oz’s Girlfriend and let’s face it, she’s good looking but unless you’ve got something awesome, it’s just a pretty wrapper. Speaking of which, one moment. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller’s office as she is working on certain things and James comes in and surprise kisses her)
Julia Alexa Miller:
What was that about?
What was that about?
TLOTA:
Just wanted to thank you for being something awesome in my life.
Just wanted to thank you for being something awesome in my life.
Julia Alexa Miller:
No Donkey Show at the B.P.
No Donkey Show at the B.P.
TLOTA:
I wasn’t going down that route, we’re probably gonna have a cake with the guys and have a Chicken Barbeque.
I wasn’t going down that route, we’re probably gonna have a cake with the guys and have a Chicken Barbeque.
Julia Alexa Miller:
Well as long as I…
Well as long as I…
TLOTA:
You can go Frickin’ Hog Wild at your Girls Night Out!
You can go Frickin’ Hog Wild at your Girls Night Out!
Julia Alexa Miller:
Thank you. (The two kiss and James walks away. Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
Thank you. (The two kiss and James walks away. Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Oz soon rediscovers Heather as she and her boyfriend Ron meet and a punk named AJ who I assume is a distant relative to Stiffler as he decides anything Stiffler did he can do more of and get away with it but our five friends band together to get those guys for the shenanigans they would’ve done if they had no inhibitions as Stiffler gives them a dose of their own medicine by dumping in their cooler and then proceeds to destroy their jet skis! Meanwhile Vicky arrives and the gang makes it to Kara’s 18th Birthday Party just as sparks fly between Finch and Selena, Oz and Heather and their significant others chat with another as Oz’s significant other Kara gets drunk leaving Jim to take her home and apparently Kevin and Vicky had a night where they hook up. Meanwhile Stiffler has an opportunity to get out of being a Temp as he has to set up a presentation for his boss while trying to get to the reunion. Amid all of that, Kara believes there’s something between her and Jim and that leads to a party at Stiffler’s and before you can say “Been There, Done That”. A brawl ensues at the Party, Michelle and Jim hit the rough patch after what happened between him and Kara is revealed, Jim’s dad even after knowing Stiffler decides to join Stiffler in drinking and meets Stiffler’s mom, Oz’s Girlfriend gets hopped up on Ecstasy and Heather’s Boyfriend known as D-Ron turns out to be a D-Bag and both Heather and Oz reunite, Finch is arrested for stealing a Motorcycle and everyone admits they hate Stiffler because of him being Stiffler. Feeling like the loser he should be, he ends the party! (Cut to Stiffler walking away from the others ending the party as the audio of Eric Cartman shouting “Get the hell out I said! The Party’s over, GET OUT GOD DAMN IT!” Cut to James physically)
Oz soon rediscovers Heather as she and her boyfriend Ron meet and a punk named AJ who I assume is a distant relative to Stiffler as he decides anything Stiffler did he can do more of and get away with it but our five friends band together to get those guys for the shenanigans they would’ve done if they had no inhibitions as Stiffler gives them a dose of their own medicine by dumping in their cooler and then proceeds to destroy their jet skis! Meanwhile Vicky arrives and the gang makes it to Kara’s 18th Birthday Party just as sparks fly between Finch and Selena, Oz and Heather and their significant others chat with another as Oz’s significant other Kara gets drunk leaving Jim to take her home and apparently Kevin and Vicky had a night where they hook up. Meanwhile Stiffler has an opportunity to get out of being a Temp as he has to set up a presentation for his boss while trying to get to the reunion. Amid all of that, Kara believes there’s something between her and Jim and that leads to a party at Stiffler’s and before you can say “Been There, Done That”. A brawl ensues at the Party, Michelle and Jim hit the rough patch after what happened between him and Kara is revealed, Jim’s dad even after knowing Stiffler decides to join Stiffler in drinking and meets Stiffler’s mom, Oz’s Girlfriend gets hopped up on Ecstasy and Heather’s Boyfriend known as D-Ron turns out to be a D-Bag and both Heather and Oz reunite, Finch is arrested for stealing a Motorcycle and everyone admits they hate Stiffler because of him being Stiffler. Feeling like the loser he should be, he ends the party! (Cut to Stiffler walking away from the others ending the party as the audio of Eric Cartman shouting “Get the hell out I said! The Party’s over, GET OUT GOD DAMN IT!” Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Geez Stiffler, if you don’t like the truth, just do what most people do, get into Politics! (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
Geez Stiffler, if you don’t like the truth, just do what most people do, get into Politics! (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next morning everyone suffer the ramifications from the party hit everyone comes to the reunion Finch got bailed out as he tells the truth as he reveals he’s an assistant manager at Staples and was denied a raise, so in turn he stole his bosses’ motorcycle. They also apologize to Stiffler because without him, High School even with everything that’s happened to them was interesting and fun and after saying what he said to his boss which in the real world would get him fired. The five hit the reunion. Stiffler becomes a Party Planner for two of his friend’s wedding and finds Finch’s mom and hooks up with her in an act of revenge to Finch as he hooked up with Stiffler’s mom, Jessica comes out as a lesbian, Selena and Finch apologize and hookup, Nadia meets up with everyone, Jim after letting Kara know what it is with him reunites with Michelle. And our movie ends with our friends agreeing to meet at least once a year as everyone moves back to town even though Finch and Selena plan to go traveling for a while and in a mid-credit scene Jim’s dad and Stiffler’s mom decide to date. (Cut to James physically)
The next morning everyone suffer the ramifications from the party hit everyone comes to the reunion Finch got bailed out as he tells the truth as he reveals he’s an assistant manager at Staples and was denied a raise, so in turn he stole his bosses’ motorcycle. They also apologize to Stiffler because without him, High School even with everything that’s happened to them was interesting and fun and after saying what he said to his boss which in the real world would get him fired. The five hit the reunion. Stiffler becomes a Party Planner for two of his friend’s wedding and finds Finch’s mom and hooks up with her in an act of revenge to Finch as he hooked up with Stiffler’s mom, Jessica comes out as a lesbian, Selena and Finch apologize and hookup, Nadia meets up with everyone, Jim after letting Kara know what it is with him reunites with Michelle. And our movie ends with our friends agreeing to meet at least once a year as everyone moves back to town even though Finch and Selena plan to go traveling for a while and in a mid-credit scene Jim’s dad and Stiffler’s mom decide to date. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And that was “American Reunion” and all things considered, it was a good send off slice of “Pie” but not as good it should’ve been. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
And that was “American Reunion” and all things considered, it was a good send off slice of “Pie” but not as good it should’ve been. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
All things considered it wasn’t a bad movie it just felt like month old pie. The acting was good as was the story and the fact they restrained themselves in the usage of Gross out humor is a positive but a lot of it feels Cut, Copy and Paste in terms of where the movie was going to go. It feels like its saying to its audience “Yeah we’re as old as you are, and we’ve given everything we had, and I hope it was a fun nostalgia trip for you.” And for me, it was a good idea just poorly conceived at the point it was made. It took a few years to perfect it with “Blockers”. If you enjoyed it, good for you. I tried to enjoy it but ultimately this was the one slice of pie too many for me to stomach. (Cut to James physically)
All things considered it wasn’t a bad movie it just felt like month old pie. The acting was good as was the story and the fact they restrained themselves in the usage of Gross out humor is a positive but a lot of it feels Cut, Copy and Paste in terms of where the movie was going to go. It feels like its saying to its audience “Yeah we’re as old as you are, and we’ve given everything we had, and I hope it was a fun nostalgia trip for you.” And for me, it was a good idea just poorly conceived at the point it was made. It took a few years to perfect it with “Blockers”. If you enjoyed it, good for you. I tried to enjoy it but ultimately this was the one slice of pie too many for me to stomach. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion.
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion.
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