(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house and he is in tears and continues to cry as he holds up the case for “Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn”)
TLOTA (While crying):
Mommy! I don’t wanna watch movies anymore! (James continues to cry as it cuts to the title card of “Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn” and clips of the movie as James continues to cry! Cut to the clip from MST3K of Joel and The Bots host segment “The Castle Of Fu Manchu” and they openly cry and breakdown. Cut to more clips of the movie as James continues to cry. Cut to James as he regains some of his composure.)
TLOTA:
Let’s not waste time, this… is… (James returns to crying as he tries to say, “Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn”! James cries “NO!” repeatedly for five seconds. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
So the movie starts four years after The Suicide Squad defeated The Enchantress as we discover Harley Quinn once again played by Margot Robbie after The Joker gave her the boot as she gets over the loss. She moves with a Taiwanese Restauranteur by the name of Doc and cuts her hair and adopts a hyena and names it Bruce Wayne in addition, she’s into Roller Der… (Audio of James crying cuts James off. Cut to James physically as he continues to cry for a minute then regains what little composure he can have after the year he’s had)
TLOTA:
I’m sorry, it’s just that OY FRIGGIN GAVALT! I HATE THIS YEAR! LAST YEAR ENDED WITH ME SAYING GOODBYE TO MY OLDEST BROTHER BECAUSE HE DIED, THIS YEAR MY SISTER SUFFERS A PAIN THAT HURT ME, THIS VIRUS FORCED ME TO SEND MY TEAM HOME AND SHUT DOWN MY STUDIO, I HAD GREAT IDEAS FOR THIS YEAR WHICH I HAD TO CANCEL THEM. BUT WHAT DO I DO?! I DEAL WITH THE WORST IN MOVIES, THE WORST IN POP CULTURE AND NOW WITH THE WHOLE WORLD GETTING DUMBER! I HAVE TO SIT AND WATCH THE DECLINE OF THE ENTIRE PLANET ON A GOD DAMNED MOVIE! WHY AM I BEING MADE TO SUFFER EVERY GOD DAMNED SECOND? IS IT BECAUSE I’M A 2+2=4 COMMON SENSE PERSON? IS IT BECAUSE I’M SOMEONE ACCORDING TO THE MAINSTREAM NEWS A PART OF EVIL BECAUSE I SUPPORT COMMON SENSE AND DIPLOMACY? IS IT BECAUSE SO MANY IN MY PROFESSION ARE SEEING ME AS AN ASSHOLE AND NOT THE DECENT GUY THAT I AM! AND YET IN SPITE OF IT ALL, AFTER EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD I STILL DO MY DUTIES BECAUSE I’M JAMES FRIGGIN FARACI THE LAST OF THE GOD DAMNED FRIGGIN DECENT, INTELLIGENT, HARD WORKING AMERICANS! (James screams like a madman and collapses. James’ right hand raises up and he picks himself back off from the floor, sighs and fully regains his composure)
TLOTA:
You know, after that, I feel as if I might just get through this turkey! Let’s do it! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
One night, Harley is at a nightclub owned by Roman Sionis played by Ewan Mcgregor while in a very intoxicated state Harley cripples Roman’s driver after being an asshole to her. It’s while she’s at the club she meets Dinah Lance played by Jurnee Smollett-Bell who saves Harley from being abducted! Even after leaving The Joker she can’t keep herself from getting into trouble. But Roman decides to make Dinah his new driver just as Renee Montoya played by the awesome Rosie Perez continues looking for a mob murderer who uses crossbows to kill their prey and a bombing at the Ace Chemical treatment plant. Finding Harley’s Necklace at the bombing Montoya confronts Harley who admits she bombed the Chemical plant and fears that Harley is in danger. Montoya decides to go to the one person who can help, Dinah who promptly tells Montoya to take a hike on the proposal to become an informant on Sionis. Instead loaded on non-lethal grenade rounds Dinah and Victor Zsasz played by Chris Messina go looking for a diamond embedded in it is the account numbers for the Bertinelli Crime Family. However a young pickpocket by the name of Cassandra Cain takes the diamond and swallows it. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
That’s gonna be rough on the digestive track! (James’ stomach churns) Speaking of digestive tracks mine has been kicking my ass. I need to poop and afterwards I’ll check out something in my palate cleansing then get back to the movie! I’ll be back! (Cut to James as he runs to the bathroom, the scene fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to James as he watches the 2002 TV Series “Birds Of Prey” on DVD)
TLOTA:
Yeah, I’m watching the “Birds Of Prey” tv series from 2002, I liked the show more than I do this movie! You got a problem with it, kiss my ass while I’m on the toilet! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After escaping from Sionis, Harley and Cassandra decide to hide at Harley’s place just as Doc is approached as to who the “Crossbow Killer” is. Doc tells that it’s Helena Bertinelli otherwise known as “The Huntress” played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Doc sells the two out which leads to Harley’s apartment being blown to bits! Pissed as all get out, Harley contacts Roman for protection and to hand Cassandra to Roman. Dinah spills to Montoya about Roman’s plans but Zsasz finds out and tells Sionis who now dons his ritualistic “Black Mask”. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
You’re probably wondering why I’m not in a foaming frenzy about how comic inaccurate things are in the movie. Well everyone who is a comic book fan knows how inaccurate things are and here is the mentality the fans have towards Warner Bros. and DC’s Live Action Movie Division. (Cut to the MST3K Clip from “Attack Of The Eye Creatures” in which Joel and the bots say “THEY JUST DIDN’T CARE!”. Cut to James physically) And if the fans believe DC and Warners just don’t care then why should I get upset at their stupidity! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Harley makes it to the park as does Montoya but Montoya is taken out momentarily by Harley as Zsasz tranqs Harley, holds Dinah at Gunpoint and is killed by Helena. Harley wakes up just as Roman and his crew known as the False Face Society. However our makeshift group of heroes come together with Harley’s old gear to whoop ass and to be honest, this is so underwhelming that it bores me, even when Dinah unleashes her Canary Scream! Harley and Dinah go after Roman confronting him as he holds Cassandra Cain hostage on the pier at the park. However Cassandra pulls a ring that was in Roman’s Jacket that was connected to a grenade and well The Wind Up, The Pitch and Boom goes The Black Mask! After that, Montoya quits the force, joins with Dinah and Helena to become a vigilante group known as “The Birds Of Prey” funded by the money and the account number that was hidden inside the diamond and Harley and Cassandra go into the Contract Killing business. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And of course we have our obligatory post credit scene! (Show Post credit scene of Harley about to reveal a secret about Batman but is cut off. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I just don’t care about what it was! This movie made it hard for me to care because it was so stupid I had to cry! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
“Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn” may just be one of those movies I wouldn’t recommend to my worst enemies to watch! It is so bad it’s on Cool Cat levels of bad, it’s almost as bad as the RVD Extreme Comedy Championship series! If a friend could come by and brought it with them, I guarantee not only would my friend be shown the door, they’d be shown the door with the movie shoved where the sun doesn’t shine! But then again what would I expect from DC’s latest Live Action Movies, but if what they’re saying about Wonder Woman 1984 and Flashpoint then maybe this will be the last time I have to deal with this horridness in my lifetime! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going heavy into my palate cleanse until later this month! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!
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