(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and quarantined. But thankfully I still have my MST3K Turkey Day Marathon! (Cut to host clips from MST3K as James does a voiceover)
And I am glad, it's one of the few good things that I have been anticipating this year! Ever since last year when Netflix gave this series the ax, I have taken any time I could to enjoy any classic episode and believe it or not after Netflix killed the series IFC gave every single episode a chance to be seen for a whole new Generation and after seeing a lot of them, I can say they have taken on some big as hell turkeys or truly bad movies. And today just before Thanksgiving I'm going to talk about the ten biggest turkeys in the history of MST3K. Here's how I'm breaking this list down, One) Jonah will get the number 10 spot and the number 5 spot, the rest will belong to Mike & Joel, Two) Some movies you know that have been on lists like this before like "Manos", "Hobgoblins", "Monster A Go-Go" & "Castle Of Fu Manchu" will be on this list and finally, expect a surprise entry here and there but be ready for the usual suspects on a list on MST3K and the worst movies they've had to deal with. (Cut to James physically)
With the usual formalities out of the way, let's dive into The Ten biggest Turkeys on MST3K(Cut to a field as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground and a camera looks around and James Pops up in Camo and starts shooting and The camera drops. Cut to the inside of an oven where what the camera symbolizes and James looking in before closing the door and the words "Top 10 Worst movies (AKA TURKEYS) on Mystery Science Theater 3000" are shown and James closes the door revealing the Number.)
Ay-Yi-Yi! It would be Apropos that the last episode in the revival have the worst movie of said revival would riff! I literally by the end of the first time I saw it, I felt like Rocky Balboa after taking on every one of his opponents in the Rocky movie franchise at once with only fifteen seconds rest per opponent whether or not they got knocked out! As a matter of fact, there's a still image of me raising my hands in victory while a clip of "The Final Bell" by Bill Conti plays in the foreground. The movie itself was just disgusting! In the first fifteen minutes there was an incestuous wedding angle that never really left my mind EVEN AFTER THE PEOPLE WHO RAISED THE TWO OF THEM AS SIBLINGS TOLD THEM OTHERWISE STILL MADE IT ALL THE MORE UNCOMFORTABLE, A MENTOR WHO TURNS OUT TO BE THE PSYCH BAD GUY AND AN UNHOLY MESS OF A SWORD AND SORCERY PLOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES AND EVEN A VETERAN RIFFER WOULD CALL IT QUITS AT THE END OF THE MOVIE. The good news? At the end of the episode, even though everyone else is now stuck on tour which as of this post they're stuck in the Deep Hurting due to well let's face it 2020 and as for Kinga and Max (Tv's Son of Tv's Frank)? They're trapped watching every single experiment until they go cuckoo themselves, which is probably bad news for Jonah or whoever they bring in to revive the series again. But as for the movie itself? "Ator The Fighting Eagle" UGH!
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" as James does a voiceover)
This one is actually one of my favorite episodes and to be honest wouldn't even crack my top 100 of really bad movies, Ever! Don't get me wrong, it's a slog to sit through! "Manos" should've faded into obscurity had it not been for Frank Conniff AKA TV's Frank who saw it and suggest it for the fourth season's finale. The rest is MST3K history, one of the phrases of the series is "Keep Circulating The Tapes" or in case of the revival "Keep Circulating The URLs" and this episode is one of those you keep doing it. Between Horrible Acting, Directing, Dubbing, Editing and Scenes that go on for what feels like an eternity and a half, this movie without riffing would be unbearable! However there is something that grabs you unlike some movies featured on MST3K. This has something that is unforgettable no matter how hard you try!
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders" as James does a voiceover)
It's not really that bad in terms of an episode, the movie itself has a really big issue! This movie is a sloppy recut of a movie called "The Devil's Gift" which in itself is a ripoff of the Stephen King horror story "The Monkey". "The Devil's Gift" is basically about a killer Monkey Toy that kills when the cymbals crash! In "The Devil's Gift" the family buys it! However the Director of "Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders" decided to toss Merlin in saving the family at the Zero Hour. Throw in an out of nowhere story about a douchebag who decides it's a Marty-Mart-Mart idea to fiddle around with Merlin's book and after futzing around with it winds up an infant! Two stories horribly interwoven together in a Family film! Yeah people, this is supposedly a Family Film! Both stories are being told to a grandchild as a Grandpa played by the one and only Ernest Borgnine! So stuff like a guy roasting his cat, images of Satan, and a demonically possessed toy monkey are perfect family fare according to this numbnut jack ass of a movie maker! Apparently also according to the director, you should show kids Porn, "Showgirls", "The Room" and every R-Rated movie while you're at it! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "Monster a Go-Go" as James does a voiceover)
MST3K Writer Paul Chaplain wrote in the MST3K Official Guide "Any topic that is about something (that is, any topic that exhibits "topicness") cannot, by definition, have anything to do with this movie". Nothing I can say to add because what can be said about this movie at all?! The movie itself has negative meaning! Nothing is in it. It may be a cheesy monster movie, but it has the biggest middle finger ending in the history of cinema, EVER! (Cut to the MST3K "Monster A Go-Go" ending.) That's right people, there was no monster in this "Movie" at all! It might as well have ended with the narrator saying "We wasted hours of your life and left you empty! HA-HA-HA! You Suck, We Win!" "Monster A Go-Go"! Monster A Go-Go Screw yourself with a rusty three inch drill bit and lick a corroded chainsaw while it's running!
(Cut to clips of the MST3K Episode "The Incredibly Strange Creatures That Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies" as James does a voiceover)
"TISCTLABMUZ" was advertised as "The First Monster Movie Musical"! However the musical numbers grind this movie and it's "plot" to a screeching halt EVERY GOD DAMNED TIME! Toss in the fact that every single character is an asshole and a racist portrayal of a Romanian Woman. The movie is a mess! But it's not boring a lot of the movie is so trippy, you'll feel like you have taken so much illicit material (Which according to some new laws in certain states is now officially legal which states are they? Well they're on my no travel to states as of right now!) to the point of a.... (Cut to the "Super Freak Out" moment in MST3K)
This David Hasselhoff, Caroline Munro, Christopher Plummer English Rip-Off of a "Turkish Star Wars" clone was so awful The Host segments outside were what saved the episode. The movie itself had me crying in pain wishing I was Obi-Wan Kenobi when he took on Vader in the original "Star Wars" movie. How this movie ever make it past conception, I will never know. Kylo Ren, If you'd please (Cut to clip of Kylo Ren as his lightsaber ignites and stabs the poster for "Starcrash" in "The Force Awakens" and then it falls to the wayside. Cut to James physically)
Want to know what happened in this movie? Simply put "Absolutely Nothing!" Actually, I take it back, less than nothing is in this movie! No characters, no story, no plot not a god damned thing! I had more fun watching cheese age! People are killed and they take it the same way I take a poop! The narration tells us facts I'd rather be seeing than being told. The main movie rule is "SHOW, DON'T TELL!" The narrator tells us how ironic Javorsky is now a monster when he was a kind and sweet scientist. If I knew who he was BEFORE he became a monster, then I'd care! But as is, The Beast Of Yucca Flats! YUCK!
I can honestly say watching this movie is as painful as getting my balls waxed! (Don't Ask!) This movie was just so half assed, I'm surprised everyone in the movie didn't walk out on the movie unless the pay was so good they said to themselves "Just get through principle photography!" Even though the characters weren't complete and total assholes like in "TISCTLABMUZ", "Hobgoblins" or "Killer Fish", they were as annoying as all get out but the worst has to be without a shadow of a doubt were the crew watching the radar readout on the monitors! Every second of them drove Joel and the bots to rage induced manslaughter! By the end of the episode instead of going to a letter from a fan or something funny, Joel and The Bots go over how bad the movie was! (Cut to the clip of Joel, Tom Servo and Crow talking about the movie again and how They Just Didn't Care! Cut back to the episode as James does a voiceover) Even after Joel and The Bots flat out tell everyone what was wrong about the movie, The MADs tried to defend themselves and their movie choice and even they can't do that! A movie so bad that if MST3K don't make jokes at the end about it well Joel and The Bots say it best (Cut to the MST3K Clip of Joel and the Bots as they say "THEY JUST DIDN'T CARE!". Cut to James.)
It wouldn't be a worst MST3K movies list without this one on it! Your generic bad late 1980's "Gremlins"/"Critters" knock off! The movie is as boring as eating cardboard with even less flavor than cardboard! And just like "TISCTLABMUZ", the characters are complete and total assholes! It has no idea whether or not it's trying to be scary or funny! And the craziest part about it? Rick Sloane, the director of the movie requested this movie be featured on MST3K! That's right, HE LITTERALY ASKED FOR IT! You may as well have given Ted Nugent an automatic weapon with unlimited ammo and pray he doesn't go after his enemies with it! The premise of the series is that a test subject is forced to be subjected to a bad movie. A... BAD... MOVIE! Well apparently he was fine with the riffs on the movie but when they made fun of Rick, he was put off with how they attacked him! AGAIN! DID RICK EVEN WATCH AN EPISODE?! The MST3K "Whose Who" of enemies list reads like a list of unknowns and hack has been actors and filmmakers like Ed Wood, Sandy Frank and Coleman Francis! However it wasn't all bad for Rick because of the notoriety, he was able to make a sequel for Hobgoblins which, for the record MST3K hasn't touched it and if they do MST3K better make sure Rick signs a waiver making sure he won't attack them.(Cut to the MST3K "Hobgoblins" host segment in which Mike, Servo and Crow cardboard cutouts sing. Cut to James physically)
So with 99 percent of the usual suspects done, I might as well go all the way and show you..
The Number One Turkey shown on MST3K ever...
Watching this one you may need to be hospitalized and put on a Suicide watch for about ten years! From the little bit of "Story" in this clunker, Fu Manchu played by Christopher Lee wants to freeze every ounce of water but needs a scientist that's dying and captures a surgeon to transplant a heart while a daughter is trying to avenge her father who was harmed or killed by Fu Manchu, THIS MOVIE IS A GOD DAMNED NUCLEAR MESS AND A HALF! THE EDITING IS WORSE THAN "Fishtales"! AND THAT'S A STATEMENT I DON'T MAKE LIGHTLY! Even worse, this movie was the one that nearly shattered Joel and The Bots! By the third act in the movie, they can't keep up the jokes in the theater segments! It dissolves into open tears, sobbing caused by pain from this movie. So as far as every MSTie can tell you "Castle Of Fu Manchu" is without a shadow of a doubt, the bottom of the barrel of movies ever shown on MST3K! (Show ending where Frank admits they could've made jokes but there was nothing funny about the movie itself. Cut to James physically)
Are there any that I missed, let me know in the comments section below and how you survived! And speaking of Survival, next month is December which means another Christmas Shopping Guide but this year, it'll be a little different from the last one, especially after what everyone has been through may just be the tip of the iceberg (The Sound of the MST3K Turkey Day Hymn plays in the Foreground) But that's for next month! For now, The MST3K Turkey Day Marathon calls! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion! Woo-Hoo!