(Scene begins with
several team TLOTA members sitting and waiting at their homes for James to log
in. Cut to Olivia Horvath as she sees James trying to get on)
Olivia Horvath:
It’s about damned time! James, what is going on? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
What are you guys talking about? (Cut to John Ross and Mike Santos)
John Ross Santos:
According to the President Elect, we’ve been ordered to reopen by the start of
2021!
Mike Santos:
Whether the Covid virus is done or not! (Cut to Ed Champion)
Ed Champion:
That’s not even the worst of it! Daily Covid Tests! (Cut to Andrew Beach)
Andrew Beach:
If anyone is from out of state, they must stay in a mandatory quarantine for
two weeks otherwise they will not be able to work/live in New York State. (Cut
to Rebecca & Nick Yaun)
Rebecca Yaun:
Fortunately, I know loopholes that we can use for Paulo, Brenda and possibly
Alex if she ever finds her way back to us. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Don’t count on it, between Chad’s disapproval of my life and the fact that she
hasn’t been heard from since my unauthorized review of “Life As A Mermaid” as a
whole has got me thinking. (Cut to Paulo & Brenda Fonseca)
Paulo Fonseca:
JAMES BENJAMIN FARACI DON’T EVEN THINK THAT!
Brenda Fonseca:
Paulo, relax. James you need to hang on to some hope. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
The last time I had hope was four months into 2013, By the fifth month my world
was shattered when I let Emmalina return to the water, knowing I would never
see her again. Whatever she passed onto Alex may have been too much and she had
to join Emmalina and it’s my fault! Wait a sec, Steve Kidd is joining in on the
call, what’s up Steve? (Cut to Steve Kidd)
Steve Kidd:
Hey James, I know you’ve been going through hell as of late and I don’t want to
add onto it but…. (Cut to James.)
TLOTA:
But what Steve? (Cut to Steve holding a map that plots through New Jersey
through Pennsylvania all the way to the Studio.)
Steve Kidd:
Who sent me this map? (Cut to Olivia Horvath)
Olivia Horvath:
Speaking of that map, I got one that leads to an airport in Pennsylvania that
leads to the Studio, what’s going on? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Probably someone who is trying to get us back together. I don’t know. What I do
know is that I will reopen the Studio but I’m not going to put anyone in danger
by getting us all back together. Not until we can do things the way we used to
do them. If need be, I can have us interact via Green Screen or the holo-transmitters.
I’ve been working on since the quarantine began, I can send it to you through First
Class. (Cut to Eric Kurtzke)
Eric Kurtzke:
Hey guys, it’s been a while, John got me up to Speed, James my condolences on
the double whammy that happened and yeah, the President Elect forcing our hand
to get back to work in the studio under these regulations is Bull… (Cut to
James)
TLOTA:
Eric, Thank you and yeah I agree with everyone on these Regulations but unless
you guys want to sit home and according to what the President Elect wrote “Face
a permanent shut down of your business with all assets in your business to
assist in paying off the national debt.”, the jackass is saying either we get
back to work or we never work again. (Cut to everyone else as they sigh and
groan and say “Fine” or “Whatever”. Cut to Steve Kidd)
Steve Kidd:
What about the future between you and Alex? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
That I don’t know, I wish I knew, it’s tearing me to shreds. (Cut to Olivia
Horvath)
Olivia Horvath:
Just wait, she will come back to you. Might not be now or in the next few
months but do yourself a favor, she will come back and the world you think you
lost, will comeback (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Well, I appreciate your hopes. But for now, I’m focusing on the month to month
workload and speaking of what I have planned, guess what, I found an
underappreciated Thanksgiving movie! It’s perfect! (Cut to Paulo and Brenda
Fonseca)
Paulo Fonseca:
So… should we guess or wait until after the intro. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
You just answered the question, HIT IT!
(Cut to a laser
hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening
theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed
figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be
James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the
left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame
moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the
shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left
and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they
run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered
outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke
on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear
in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of
frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke,
Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the
Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The”
“Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to
come forward as it pulls down and James’
Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs
into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA
on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the
slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in
his room at his house)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and after an exhausting search, I
found a thanksgiving movie whose time has come! (Cut to opening credit of
“Dutch”. Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Produced and written by John Hughes and having the director of “Crocodile
Dundee” Peter Faiman, on board. This is one of those movies that should’ve been
seen as much a classic holiday film like another of Hughes’ movies “Planes,
Trains & Automobiles” but as that movie has gone on to be a classic, this
one has faded into obscurity, but why is that? It’s not as bad as the series
one of the actor’s in this movie says it is. (Cut to the clip from “Married
With Children” as Al Bundy complains about the movie “Dutch”, Cut to clips of
the movie “Dutch” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So today, Dutch Dooley and the misadventures he has with Doyle, A snobby little
sheltered brat who doesn’t care for anyone but finally gets his eyes opened as
to how the world he lives in is not the same as the real world gets it’s just
dues! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Let’s see if we can cook this turkey day movie to perfection, this is “Dutch”!
(Cut to the movie “Dutch” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Our movie opens as we’re introduced to Natalie played by JoBeth Williams a
recent Divorcee whose Ex-Husband Reed played by Christopher McDonald arrives
and acts like a complete and total douchebag. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Seriously, has Christopher McDonald ever played a decent human being or has he
always played Shooter McGavin-esque D-Bags? Let me know, the comment section exists
for that reason! (Cut to the movie
“Dutch” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Not helping is Natalie’s new hard-working cook boyfriend who stands out like a
thumb Dutch Dooley played by Ed O’Neill. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Now, Guys! (Cut to multiple smaller screens on the computer screen with Team
TLOTA in their apartments/houses)
TLOTA (Audio only):
I’m placing bets as to how many Jay Pritchett/Al Bundy Jokes I plan on making.
(Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Minute long betting window opens… NOW! (Cut to everyone on the screen as they
try to shout and place their bets. Cut to James) And betting is over. The
winner, Me! Because I plan on not making any Al Bundy/Jay Pritchett jokes in
this review. (Cut to everyone as they scream at James. Cut to James.) Let me
say why I’m not doing the obvious Al Bundy “Married With Children”/Jay Pritchett
“Modern Family” jokes! (Cut to other roles Ed O’Neill performed in both TV and
Movies as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
He’s played a myriad of characters ranging from Police officers in movies like
“K-9” and “The Bone Collector”, an overzealous Pee-Wee Football coach opposite Rick
Moranis in “Little Giants”, killed it in his minor role in both “Wayne’s World”
movies, stole the screen from both Nick Nolte and Shaq in “Blue Chips”, did an
amazing voice job in both “Wreck It Ralph” movies and in “Finding Dory”, He
played Joe Friday in Dick Wolf’s attempted reboot of “Dragnet”! This is one
actor who is not defined by simply the character he plays; Ed O’Neill defines
himself by thinking who he is how the character should be and that is what makes
him more than just either Al Bundy or Jay Pritchett! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
And that is why Ed O’Neill is awesome! (Cut to the movie “Dutch” as James does
a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So as Reed tells Natalie that he has to break his plans to bring their son
(Imitating Lt. Kellaway from “The Mask”) Doyle (Normal voice) to go to London
on a business trip! Dutch and Natalie have a chat about what to do when Dutch
decides he’ll pick up (Imitating Lt. Kellaway from “The Mask”) Doyle (Normal
voice) from his school in Atlanta! Speaking of (Imitating Lt. Kellaway from
“The Mask”) Doyle (Normal voice) we’re introduced to him as he’s played by a
young Ethan Embry as he’s a stuck up snob who’d rather be left alone and is
pretty much ostracized for his attitude. Not helping is when his mom says that
his dad isn’t coming to pick him up, he pretty much shuts himself further away
from everyone. Dutch comes to pick up (Imitating Lt. Kellaway from “The Mask”)
Doyle (Normal voice) when the kid kicks Dutch’s backside seven different ways
from Sunday and shooting him in the groin with a BB Gun. Dutch quickly packs
his stuff up, straps him to a Hockey Stick and the two hit the road with Dutch
vowing to make the kid pay for what he did! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And for the record I won’t do that Lt. Kellaway “Doyle” bit and if you still
think I’m going to make any Al Bundy “Married With Children”/Jay Pritchett
“Modern Family” jokes, well I just so happen to have a counter right here and
the count as to how many jokes I could’ve make right now is (James shifts to
his left and sees two heads one being of Al Bundy and the other being of Jay
Pritchett as the two heads start heading to the mid 50’s) Hmm, showing an
absurd amount of restraint, even by my standards.
(Scene fades to black
then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows
James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on
his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last
Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme
as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the
other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the
markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the movie as James does a
voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As the two hit the road in meeting other some pretty interesting things happen
like a fireworks show which torches Dutch’s Jacket and Doyle drops a lit cigar
on Dutch, as punishment Dutch makes Doyle walk to the hotel. However, Doyle
doesn’t take having to walk a mile lightly as he takes Dutch’s car and leaves
it in the middle of the highway. Where it will be perfectly fine! (Show the
truck and a photoshopped image of Nicholas Cage Screaming in the driver’s seat
as Dutch’s car is demolished. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
But not after A screaming Nicholas Cage driving a truck demolishes it and I got
insurance in case a screaming Nicholas Cage drives into my ride and demolishes
it! Thanks dad! And I didn’t mean that sarcastically! (Cut to clips of the
movie “Dutch” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The next day their fortunes go from bad to worse as they hitch a ride with two prostitutes,
and the prostitutes take everything including the kitchen sink and leaving them
in the lurch. Finally having enough, Doyle tries calling his dad but in
understandably upset when his dad said he lied about his London trip and has
decided to spend it with them with a girlfriend! Between that and Dutch thinking
how much Doyle hates his mom. Dutch gets ready to throw in the towel. Doyle
begins to regain a few ounces of his humanity as Doyle tells Dutch he isn’t
going anywhere without Dutch so the two hide in a Semi Truck until they get
attacked by the guards until Doyle whips his BB Gun out and feigns insanity
allowing Dutch and himself to get the heck out of Dodge! (Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA:
And guess how many Al Bundy/Jay Pritchett joke could there have been in this
review? (James shifts to his left and
sees two heads one being of Al Bundy and the other being of Jay Pritchett as
the two heads start heading to the mid 90’s) WOW! Almost 100! And for
reference, the clip of Al Bundy complaining about the movie “Dutch” was not a
joke I made, “Married With Children” made on their own and was !
(Cut to clips of the
movie “Dutch” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Dutch and Doyle come to a restaurant where a happily married family sees them
and takes them to a shelter and here young Doyle’s eyes are opened even further
as he becomes fond of a girl and her family. He realizes how much his own dad
has been a straight up JACKASS and how much he wants to be with his mom for the
holidays. And after a long trip with the homeless family Dutch and Doyle make
it and oh big surprise Reed arrives to take Doyle. Doyle tells his mom about
what Reed has done and his lie about going to London! Reed reacts to this as if
someone just took his favorite toy by evicting Natalie and Doyle! (Show moment
in which Reed and Doyle head on out as Audio of Al Bundy says “The wind up! The
Pitch!” as Dutch punches Reed in the forehead with his pinky ring and Audio of
Al Bundy says “Out of the park!”. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Again, Not a joke I made, it was just good set up for a joke but I let Al do
what he needed to (Cut to the movie as Dutch straightens out Reed after
cleaning his clock and as Reed makes it to his car and slips. Cut to an
overhead shot of the sky as James comes into frame)
TLOTA:
Okay Reed, something tells me you’re not going to change, but just so you get
more of a comeuppance please read this! (James hands him a piece of paper that
says, “I Hate Panda Cheese!”)
Reed (Slurred as
performed by James Faraci):
“I hate Panda Cheese”? What does that… (The paper goes away as a Panda Jump
cuts in as “True Love Ways” by Buddy Holly plays in the foreground before
cutting to a black screen and screams of a man being slaughtered painfully is
heard for five seconds. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And as Natalie, Doyle, and Dutch decide to settle in for Thanksgiving Dinner,
Dutch asks Doyle to help him out by getting his Jacket as Doyle goes to get it,
Our movie ends with Dutch making sure Doyle gets it right where Dutch got it
with the same BB Gun! (Show everyone laughing as it cuts to black and we hear
Doyle shout out “YIPE!” Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And that was “Dutch” WHY ISN’T THIS MOVIE MORE WELL RECOGNIZED AS A
THANKSGIVING CLASSIC?! (Cut to clips of the movie “Dutch” as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The story is what you’d expect from John Hughes, Characters with heart and
development, a fun time for everyone, silly moments, dramatic moments, a
holiday feel in terms of the environment, Ed O’Neill is awesome as he would be
as Dutch, the slow journey of a man child growing up slightly as the child
Doyle regaining a huge chunk of what it’s like to be a kid and being humbled by
the fact the world is not what is inside his ivory, lilliputian world. Getting
to see all the colors of reality and humanity in all it’s splendor and glory,
realizing what is the reality of the world is. Even though the movie bombed at
the box office with audiences and critics, I fully believe this deserves a
second chance. Find it on YouTube (Which is where I had to watch it because
Blu-Ray and DVD Prints are expensive and out of print), request it be put on a
streaming service, Hell DISNEY now owns 20th Century Fox’s
intellectual properties, see this movie get put on Disney+! However, you see
it, I strongly suggest you check it out wherever you can, find it if you can
and give this movie your attention, it’s earned it’s spot in the Thanksgiving
Hall Of Fame alongside Charlie Brown and of course “Planes, Trains and
Automobiles” and all the Thanksgiving cooking specials that you see on the Food
Network and Cooking Channel. (Cut to
James physically)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion! (James walks away from the computer and it shuts off fading to black)
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