(The Scene begins with a woodpecker; it then cuts to a sawmill as we see blades being sharpened; then to the outskirts of a town with the sign “Welcome to Triple Crest, Minnesota.” and over the triple crests that seem to meet in harmony with the background and the words “The Last Of The Americans presents: Monstertober 2025.” appear in the foreground in the same text style as “Twin Peaks.”)
(With the scenes mirroring the introduction to “Twin Peaks” as it shows the cast which includes “James Faraci,” “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca," "Rebecca and Nick Yaun,” “Renee Miller,” “Andrew Beach,” Doug Yaun,” “Olivia Horvath,” “Eric Kurtzke,” “Crosslyn Castillo,” “Nick Lopez,” “Jessica Lopez-Barkl,” “Angelina Morelli,” “Phil Leviste,” ”Joe Colon,” “And Allysia Watts as Sgt Nicolette Angelinas,” “Special Guest Star Lewis Lovhaug as Linkara” and “And Chris Lee Moore as Rowdy”)
(The introduction scenes continue to mirror the “Twin Peaks” intro which shows the crew which includes “Produced by First Choice Entertainment Productions and Manic-Expression.com” “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written and Directed by James Faraci”. The intro ends with James walking in the red room and finding a seat as Rowdy comes in dancing weirdly.)
TLOTA:
What the hell? (Rowdy sits in front of James, looking at him.)
Rowdy (talking weirdly and subtitled):
You’re on the right course, but you need time. (Cut to James as he raises his right eyebrow and it cuts back to Rowdy.) Murders must happen to solve the case of Tara! (Cut to James sitting there confused.) We are going to go wild! (James walks away, confused and scared, as James begins to run in the red room, and he hits a gigantic man as he says, “The TWA is not what it seems!” James gets back up and runs around, finding himself trapped in the red room as a squad of Linkaras run toward him, screaming “GET OUT OF HERE!” repeatedly, cut to James as he screams. Cut to James waking up in his cabin room as he looks around in a cold sweat.)
TLOTA:
Wow, what a nightmare. (Rowdy says, “You’re not whistling Dixie on that one!” as James turns and screams, and then Rowdy screams multiple times over a three-second period as Sgt. Angelinas walks in and sees James in his underwear, and Rowdy then screams. All three scream for five more seconds.) Time out on the screaming! Nicolette Angelinas, this is my associate Rowdy. One second! (James grabs his watch morpher and morphs into his Halloween mode.) Sorry about seeing me in my boxer briefs and tee shirt. Rowdy, this is Sgt. Nicolette Angelinas and What are you doing here?
Rowdy:
Well I had heard you were coming here and I told Linkara, he was not happy!
TLOTA:
Linkara can kiss our collective asses! We’re going to solve this murder whether he likes it or not! (Cut to Sgt. Nicolette Angelinas)
Sgt. Nicolette Angelinas:
Actually, there are two more unsolved deaths to deal with, remember the couple that played “Romeo” and “Juliet”? They just died. Let’s get to the scene. (Cut to the heads of the two as the car is over the embankment.)
TLOTA:
So the official details on this are that they were speeding, hit this branch, and the car went over. Well, I would believe that if the cut marks around the necks weren’t so clean as if their heads were cut off by a sword marked, “Property of Connor MacLeod.” So the two...
A Woman (Off-Screen):
[Beat] Annie Scraper and Michael Bomber
TLOTA:
That’s their names? Who just said that? (Cut to Sgt. Angelinas and Ladybird Johnson played by Angelina Morelli)
Sgt. Nicolette Angelinas:
Remember the inebriate from last night, this is her. Officer Ladybird Johnson.
Ladybird Johnson:
A pleasure to meet you both. I know the people here, the one-eyed hotel owner? Her name is Brenda and she’s a third cousin of the Hayseed family three times removed. The greaser gang that helps the police consists of cousins from another side of one family. The Log-Lady shop owner is a cousin’s brother’s nephew’s former roommate. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Okay, I get the picture, Chief! (Cut to Chief Johnson as he looks at James. Cut back to James.) I suggest we establish a cordon, open one lane of traffic, and then get the remains for examination. (Cut to Sgt. Angelinas and Officer Johnson.)
Officer Johnson:
Well according to what was commented on by James to Ted Messager is that we are not to comment on the situation. (Cut to a car as it is driven by Steven Schiller)
Steven:
“For never was there a story of more woe of Juliet and her Romeo!” Isn’t that how the play ended? Such a tragedy, two of our finest taken in the prime of their lives. No comment on the accident. (Cut to Sgt. Angelinas)
Sgt. Nicolette Angelinas:
That is the official statement we have given to the local press. (Cut to Stevem Schiller as he drives off as “Romeo Had Juliette” by Lou Reed plays. Cut to James and Rowdy as they examine the remains.)
Rowdy:
There were certain things that I never thought I would have to do working with you all these years, James. Playing Medical Examiner and CSI was on the very long list of things I thought I wouldn’t have to do.
TLOTA:
Whatever we must do to solve Tara Lovhaug’s death.
Rowdy:
What? You mean we’re going to try and solve a murder that has the same coincidental situation as Laura Palmer’s Death from “Twin Peaks” and connect these to that death?!
TLOTA:
Well unlike Laura’s death, it was never fully revealed. Tara’s death is one we can solve!
Rowdy:
Of course, the detectives think we’re jackasses. [Beat]
TLOTA:
They just don’t want to work. (Cut to hours later at the “Quintuple A” as everyone except for James, Sgt. Angelinas and Rowdy are enjoying some pie and a hot beverage.)
Det. Randy Brendan (played by Doug Yaun):
So are you guys through playing around and accepting the official report showing what it was, an accident.
TLOTA:
Uh yeah, I can’t, I know it was a murder, and it’s connected to Tara Lovhaug’s. (Cut to everyone in the restaurant as they go silent. Cut to James.) What? What did I say wrong? (Cut to Officer Bill Runner)
Officer Bill Runner (played by Andrew Beach):
I was a rookie when it happened. (Cut to Officer Bill Runner as a younger person as Bill does a voiceover.)
Officer Bill Runner (Voiceover):
I had just gotten out of the academy when the Tara’s death happened, we went through a lot of cases, Tara was found working at a casino outside of the town border, she was burnished with the words “Water Run Along me,” we had also discovered she was living a double life. Within a few months an FBI Agent was working the case. All the evidence pointed towards the boyfriend, when we soon discovered that her mother and father were abusing her and in a rage which could only be described as Satanic, murdered her and the crime scene was cleaned up so nicely. The two were arrested and sentenced to life without parole. (Cut to the present as James and Rowdy sit and listens while Rowdy orders a slice of Apple Pie and Hot Cocoa.)
Rowdy:
So the case solved, let’s head back to... Hoo boy, that guy is having a bad day. (Cut to an inebriate, played by Eric Kurtzke as he pounds another beer. Cut to Officer Johnson and Nicolette Angelinas.)
Officer Johnson:
That’s Greg Shopper, he knew the last two victims, and he is the wealthiest man in all the town. (Cut to Greg as he falls off the stool. Cut to Ladybird and Nicolette)
Nicolette Angelinas:
And he needs a ride, no need to instruct us to make sure he gets home. (Cut to James, Rowdy, Ladybird and Nicolette as they put Greg in the backseat and Steven walks out of the shadows.)
Steven Schiller:
Best be careful with him; he may be blown up by tomorrow. (Cut to a McMansion as they drive up.)
Rowdy:
Wow dude, this place really sticks out!
TLOTA:
Yeah, like a sore thumb, let’s get this guy inside and ready for a whopper of a headache. (Quick cut montage of James the others setting Greg up to take care of himself after he wakes up. Cut to the four as they head back to the car.)
Nicolette Angelinas:
I will not want to be him in the morning. [Beat]
Ladybird Johnson:
Well it’s Nine PM and I think we should relax by watching some movies.
Everyone else (In Unison):
[Beat] Sounds good! (Cut to everyone in Ladybird’s house.)
Nicolette Angelinas:
You know you could do with a flower in this place; I’ve had an Anthurium for years and it has always brought a sense of light, life and space into anywhere we go. (Cut to James and Rowdy.)
Rowdy:
I’ve made the popcorn.
TLOTA:
What are we watching? (Cut to Ladybird’s video closet as Ladybird enters.)
Ladybird Johnson:
Bad Boys 2 or Point Break? (Cut to the others)
Nicolette Angelinas:
Which one do we watch? (Cut to Ladybird)
Ladybird Johnson:
No, which one do we watch first. (Cut to the four as they see the scene of Keanu Reeves firing in the sky in the movie “Point Break” intercut with moments of a cloaked person beating the hell out of Greg Shopper. Cut to the four as three of the others fall asleep and James stays up to watch one more movie and James turn on “Late Night With The Devil” as James hits play and it cuts to the outside of the McMansion as it blows up. Cut to James as he shrugs off hearing the explosion.)
TLOTA:
Well, don’t know what that was but I know what is coming up next. (Cut to the title card of “Late Night With The Devil,” then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 2023, “Late Night With The Devil” tries to let us know what it’s like for any late-night show that was trying to topple the king of late-night Johnny Carson and at what lengths people would do, While yes, the show and events are fictional. That doesn't mean that the movie isn’t bad, it has David Dastmalchian for crying out loud. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
It’s time to give the devil his due as we check out “Late Night With The Devil.” (Cut to “Late Night with The Devil” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We open in the 1970’s as we’re introduced what it was like at the time which was basically like it is today. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
The only difference is the technology; we didn’t have the ability to do that much damage back then! (Cut to “Late Night with The Devil” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
It’s also here we meet Jack Delroy, played by David Dastmalchian, as he debuts the series Night Owls as a rival talk show against Johnny Carson. But this is the time when Johnny Carson was at the top of his game. According to the narrator, it was a highly rated series, but it was second to Carson's. We’re also introduced to Madeline, Jack’s wife and told about his connection to something called “The Grove” which has been the subject of rumors since Jack’s days on Commercial Radio which has members that include Politicians, Entertainers and Captains of Industry. Though speculation claims it to be a satanic cult, its members deny said claims. Meanwhile “Night Owls” is getting constantly trampled in the ratings. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Again, Carson, Late Night King; no one toppled him, ever! (Rowdy mutters about “The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson.” Cut to “Late Night with The Devil” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Cut to 1976 as Madeline has been diagnosed with Cancer and dies two weeks after an appearance on “Night Owls.” One month later Jack gets back to work on “Night Owls” and the desperation is showing with gimmicks that don’t work. We then cut to a Halloween night Sweeps Week last chance shot to save the show. From here on out we’re watching everything that happens in the episode and the behind-the-scenes materials as we see the introduction by Gus, played by Rhys Auteri, as he introduces the acts mentalist Christou, former magician turned skeptic Carmichael Haig, author and psychologist Dr. June Ross- Mitchell and the subject of her latest book Lilly, a musical performance by Miss Cleo James, and a Halloween Costume Parade. Jack then gives his opening monologue to the episode and then we’re introduced to Christou’s act goes well until he mentions the name Minnie and suffers a whopper of a headache, and the show goes to break as chaos begins. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
So this episode is going well. (Cut to “Late Night with The Devil” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Gus tries to talk to Jack about the show as Leo, played by Josh Quong Tart, tells Jack that things are not going well and that their fight to save the show is not going well. Just as we come back from commercial, Jack introduces his second guest of the night Carmichael Haig Among other things (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
OKAY, ONCE AGAIN, HE WAS NEVER POSSESSED BY SPIRITS FROM HELL, HE WAS POSSESSED BY SPIRITS FROM THE BAR AND DRUGS! WHEN WILL THE NIGHTMARE OF “THE AMITYVILLE HORROR” EVER GO AWAY! (Cut to “Late Night with The Devil” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Carmichael also has a discussion with Christou, with Carmichael calling Christou out as a fraud, that is until Jack admits that Minnie was the private nickname of his dead wife which causes Christou to suffer a seizure and vomit bile causing them to cut to commercial and having Christou sent to the Hospital and during said break apparently the phones were a ringing. But coming back from break Jack is trying to keep the show going as we’re introduced to Dr. June Ross-Mitchell and the story behind the book. (Show clip of the story behind the book and how “Lilly” survived a mass ritualistic suicide. Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
And as someone who had to go to a church buck naked as the reverend went bonkers then covered the congregation with Lamb’s blood, something tells me that they’d fit in like a glove! (Cut to “Late Night with The Devil” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We’re introduced to both, as Lilly comes off like most kids in movies like this type of situation which has June worried about Lilly’s mental and physical well-being. Just as we hear Christou had died on his way to the hospital during the break. After said break June tells us about Psi-phenomena and Carmichael continues to be an ass even as he stops a theremin from going out of control. Jack wants to invite the demon inside Lilly to come out and be a guest on the show. June is scared about it as Carmichael continues to poke a bear that will come and shred his ass like cabbage for coleslaw! June reluctantly agrees. We go to break again as we see June and Lilly get ready and Gus is trying to make Jack listen to reason. But just as commercial ends, we’re getting treated to the main event. (Cut to June as she performs her session and shit goes wrong. Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Besides the fact that usually I’m asleep by the time Late Night Shows are on, if this does go on, no wonder people aren’t watching late night shows anymore. (Cut to “Late Night with The Devil” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
During the break, Jack starts to see what’s going on, and it’s not good. Gus and Leo fight to either stop or save this show! Back from the break, all tricks and nonsense, using the production team to review the footage, as we see what he did was a hallucination caused by him. However, what happens next is rewatching the footage of Lilly as Jack sees his dead wife in the footage and then... (Cut to everything going wrong, Lilly’s head splits in half and glows like lava, murdering Gus and June, Carmichael now convinced and tries to buy his way out of dying which doesn’t end well. Jack is transported to a nightmare version of the show and is reliving all the moments of the show with more demonic tones, going through the ceremony where the demon that possesses Lilly was there as Jack makes a deal with the devil to save the show and indirectly causing Madeline’s cancer to happen and Madeline's spirit begging for peace and Jack using the athame to give Madeline peace only to kill Lilly.) And if you can make sense of it, Jack kills Lilly after a whopper of a hallucination and the movie ends with Jack in an empty studio save for the victims of that episode. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And that was “Late Night with The Devil,” heeere’s pants to be darkened territory! (Cut to clips of “Late Night with The Devil” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
This movie was incredibly horrifying! I think for the first time, in a long time, I have seen one of the scariest movies ever made. This mixed found footage, demonic possession and analog horror movies into one and while yes it does have AI, it was so well hidden that I couldn't tell where it was. On top of that the acting, effects, story and pacing was so well handled that it bears repeated viewings just to pick up what you might miss the first time. Give it a watch and have a devil of a good time. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And on that note, I am going to bed, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and hopefully I can crack the Tara Lovhaug case by Halloween! (James goes to sleep as it fades to black. Cut to the next morning as James answers his phone and wakes everyone up)
Rowdy:
What the frack is going on? (Cut to James with the screen behind him as Bad Boys II play in the background)
TLOTA (Synchronized with Martin Lawrence’s character on the screen):
Shit just got real! (Cut to the charred remains of the McMansion.)
Rowdy:
What happened? (Cut to the Randys)
Det. Randy Brendan:
When he was last seen alive, you four took him here and guess what, you four are our main suspects. (Cut to an angered James)
TLOTA:
Listen Dick, because that’s what you are... A Dick and not even a good dick, we brought him home, that is true, I set him up with the following: Aspirin and A sports drink, I had propped the body so he wouldn’t choke on his vomit and set up an I.V. pump with D-5 Half Normal Saline with 20 KCL at 100 CCs an hour. Believe it or not I’ve had family members that I helped when they get overly drunk, and my mom was a nurse so she would help me with it. (Cut to Det. Randi Cartmel played by Crosslyn Castillo.)
Det. Randi Cartmel:
Bullshit! Here’s what me and Randy are going to do, we’re going to let you know what we get and oh yeah, it’s... (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Let me guess, I can go fuck myself? Whatever, you two can go bone each other, we’re going to get a cordon up, open a lane to ease traffic, get the remains, and we’ll do all the heavy lifting, can’t expect you dumbass police to do your job! (Det. Randy Brendan turn around to try and back punch James when the entire squad hold him back as James, Sgt. Angelinas and Officer Johnson see Steven Schiller drive down the open lane and the song “Fire” by The Ohio Players. Cut to the squad room as James and Rowdy as they look over the files involving the Tara Lovhaug case, the newly created Annie Scraper and Michael Bomber case, and the newly created Greg Shopper case.)
Rowdy:
So what are we expecting to find?
TLOTA:
A link, a clue, anything that we can connect these plots.
Rowdy:
Speaking of, your last one reeked of desperation.
TLOTA:
Funny, you know, when we leave, we’re probably leaving this town in worse hands than the cops in Sanford, Gloucestershire, England.
Rowdy:
How’s that?
TLOTA:
Well according to the chief we have until the end of the month to solve the case, once you and I are gone; Nicolette and Ladybird, who are currently trying to find a swan for a Shawn Hercule Ian Thomas Taker and with Officer Hewlitt are on an assignment about hedges; will be the ONLY competent officers in the town and the only reason Ladybird will be competent will because of Nicolette. (The sound of a squad car hitting the breaks is heard.) The Hell? (Cut to James and Rowdy and everyone else as they step outside and see the entire backside of a wagon filled with weapons and Rowdy breaks the shock by saying “So I take it you cleared out Ted Nugent’s house,” and everyone looks in as James and Rowdy carefully takes two unexploded missiles and everyone gets the weapons tagged and catalogued. Cut to everyone in the squad room.)
Officer Donna Snatcher (Played by Rebecca Yaun):
Haven’t seen something as big as those missiles in a while! (Everyone except James, Rowdy, Sgt. Angelinas and Ladybird Johnson.)
Officer Bill Runner:
[Beat] It has been a while since that place was filled up.
Officer Chic Oxnard:
Wish we had time to relax, just got word we must go to the Church Fete. [Beat]
TLOTA:
Unless the main game for the congregation is “Drink the Kool-Aid!” Count us out!
Rowdy:
Why would you be so against a church Mr. “I am a man of God and religion” (James whispers into Rowdy’s Ear everything he had seen during the one service he went to, Rowdy’s eyes start to bulge with everything James tells Rowdy and then grabs the flying trash can and tosses his breakfast, lunch and dinner. Cut to Chief Lyndon B Johnson.)
Chief Johnson:
Come on we’ve got to get going. (Cut to Rowdy as he cleans his mouth.)
Rowdy:
NO! I am not going to some nudist church where I get covered in lamb’s blood and given a fracked-up vision of something I don’t believe in, not since the person who created me found himself at the business end of a gun while being held up, so no count me out! (Cut to everyone at the Church Fete and it is tamer than everyone expects.) [beat sarcastic] Oh yeah, we’re going to have a disturbing experience.
Detective Randi Cartmel (Played by Crosslyn Castilo):
Well everyone what are we waiting for? Let’s enjoy some fun! (Everyone is enjoying themselves as James notices something in the distance.)
TLOTA:
So Ladybird, what’s up with that black ultra lodge?
Ladybird Johnson:
It’s used for the Town Watch Association meetings. The good old TWA! (James looks disturbed as he remembers the words “The TWA is not what it seems.” as Detective Randy Brendan smacks him upside the head and calls James a shit!)
Detective Randy Brendan:
Quit looking like an idiot and enjoy yourself, besides you and that twerp Rowdy are going to have to get on stage and help with the raffle!
TLOTA:
That’s in an hour, let me do what I want to do for now. (Cut to James as he looks around and sees Ted Messager talking to the local florist, and nothing they say to one another is audible. Cut to James and Rowdy as the time elapses to where they must help with the raffle.)
Reverend Sun Jung Moon:
And now the first winner will be chosen by James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Rowdy, The Host of TV Trash!
Rowdy (In a Sotto voice):
We have to hurry, I talked to Ted Messager, he has information involving the cases.
Reverend Sun Jung Moon:
And the first winner is Ted Messager! (Everyone is silent as James looks and sees on top of the steeple someone in a black cloak without a face and deduces everything that is about to happen as James and Rowdy runs as Reverend Sun Jung Moon says “TED MESSAGER! Your time is up!” Cut to Ted as James and Rowdy make it just in time to see a cross fall off the steeple and shred Ted into bits and pieces! James runs after the man in the black cloak as it then cuts to James and everyone doing a cordoning off.)
Rowdy:
Now I’m starting to see the validity of what you believe that these murders are connected.
Sgt. Angelinas:
[Beat] The cordon is up, and everything is ready to be taken care of at the squad house.
Det. Randy Brendan:
And guess what, our shifts are over, we’re going to the Quintuple A for Pie and a hot beverage.
TLOTA:
Really, when you have so little to do now, like say your job!
Det. Randi Cartmel:
[Beat] Look, it is late already, and we just want to call it a day.
Sgt. Angelinas:
As opposed to say I don’t know what did that one character say in “Spaceballs”?
Officer Johnson:
Do something? [Beat]
TLOTA:
Do Something? [Beat]
Rowdy:
Do Something?
Sgt. Angelinas:
That’s right DO SOMETHING!
Det. Randy Brendan:
We are, we’re going home, we’ll get to it in the morning. (Everyone except Nicolette, Ladybird, James and Rowdy walk away.)
Ladybird Johnson:
I know that you’re trying to do your best and James I know you're trying to solve the Tara Lovhaug case and you think there are connections that really aren’t there, so why not let it go.
TLOTA:
Because I need a win, the past few years I’ve been losing and failing. After a while, it leaves you with a bad taste in the mouth! And maybe just maybe a victory might not wash all the losses and failures out! But it might be enough for me to enjoy the pie and hot beverages again.
Rowdy:
Didn’t what you went through in August make you think you can win?
TLOTA:
But I still can’t forget! I need a win to start to get the ball rolling.
Rowdy:
And you think this will be a win? Try doing something else!
TLOTA:
Like what you’re doing? I swear, laziness and atrophy are killing everyone.
Rowdy:
Oh and working yourself to death is better?
TLOTA:
At least I’m doing something!
Rowdy:
You really can’t shut down?
TLOTA:
You know what happened the last time I did that and my last chance passed me! I can’t just shut down! (James and Rowdy part as Sgt. Angelinas walks with James and Rowdy walks with Ladybird Johnson. Cut to a few days later and the wounds between the four are still fresh as James looks over all the errors in Ted Messager's run in the local paper which started from the day after Tara Lovhaug’s death and all the errors he had been making. Cut to the Diner as James gets Rowdy, Nicolette and Ladybird.)
Rowdy:
What do you want, Faraci?
TLOTA:
To listen, I need you guys to listen and help. Ted Messager's run on the local paper started just after two events. One, when Steven Schiller arrived, and two, the death of Tara Lovhaug.
Sgt. Nicolette Angelinas:
We’re listening. (Cut to flashbacks narrated by James)
TLOTA (V.O.):
It also involves the recent victims. A few months after Dane Crooper was committed to the wacky shack failing to solve the case, Steven Schiller was able to finish his market, Annie Scraper and Michael Bomber were working there, penny pinching to build up the theatrical department for the town. During said time, Michael was involved in much more than his own relationship with the woman he was with. He never forgot Annie and made frequent trips to her. Ted Messager was just hired to the local paper and just as Ted was hired to the local paper, Greg Shopper was building his McMansion and had to purchase the land for said McMansion. And it just so happened to have been the Lovhaugs that he built some of his McMansion. With Tara’s parents locked up for the murder, they couldn’t fight him off but Greg had a problem by the name of... (Cut to Rowdy, Sgt. Angelinas and James telling the Randys his theory.) Steven Schiller! He knew what had happened to Tara because he murdered her just as he killed Greg, Annie, Michael and Ted!
Det. Randy Brendan:
And you expect us to believe that Steven Schiller did all of this to gain control of the town?
Det. Randi Cartmel:
What would he gain? [Beat]
TLOTA:
I don’t know yet, that is why we’re here to get you two off your asses, I’ve done most of the leg work for you! (Chief Lyndon B Johnson opens the door.)
Chief Lyndon B Johnson:
Everyone up now! The building is on fire! (Everyone starts to run into the squad room as everyone except James, Rowdy and Sgt. Angelinas go “Hey!” then sing Happy Birthday to Ladybird Johnson!)
TLOTA:
Congrats on another year. Uh the local florists name is...
Ladybird Johnson:
Jessie Miller, A cousin of Steven Schiller.
TLOTA:
Thanks.
Det. Randy Brendan:
What are you doing?
TLOTA:
Taking a little time out.
Rowdy:
Me too
Sgt. Angelinas:
Same here (Cut to the floral shop.) Hi, I’m looking for an Anthurium for someone I am fancying. (Cut to the register of the Floral Shop as Jessie Miller played by Renee Miller sits and checks out the flower.)
Jessie Miller:
That will be thirty-five dollars. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Here we go, oh going out of business, I take it your cousin has shut you down? (James pulls out a recorder as it cuts to Jessie.)
Jessie Miller:
Nothing of the sorts, his shop keeps my business going. Though it was a shame what happened to Annie and Michael, God rest them, and of course what happened to Greg and Ted, God rest them, to tell the truth, things were even worse at the start of the Tara Lovhaug Murder, God Rest Her Soul, she was up to something in that casino across the border. But I guess now is the time for me to get out of town before I join them. (Cut to Sgt. Angelinas as she pulls James and Rowdy outside.)
Sgt. Angelinas:
Would you excuse us? (Cut to James, Rowdy and Sgt. Angelinas outside the building.) Tell me you got it! (Cut to James and Rowdy)
TLOTA:
I got it!
Rowdy:
And Jessie is getting it right now! (Cut to a person in a black cloak as Jessie is killed by her own gardening shears. Sgt. Angelinas, James and Rowdy give chase to the man in the black cloak as it cuts and we see Officer Chic Oxnard played by Nick Lopez looking over the situation with James, Sgt. Angelinas and Rowdy.)
Chic Oxnard:
So this wasn’t an accident? (James and Sgt Angelinas turn their heads as if to hurt Officer Oxnard as it cut to a swear bank and James tosses in a twenty-dollar bill! Cut to Sgt. Angelinas and James)
TLOTA & Sgt. Angelinas (In Unison):
JESSIE MILLER WAS FUCKING MURDERED!
Officer Bill Runner:
Just like Ted Messager
TLOTA & Sgt. Angelinas (In Unison):
YES!
Officer Chic Oxnard:
And Greg Shopper.
TLOTA & Sgt. Angelinas (In Unison):
YES!
Officer Bill Runner:
And Annie Scraper and Michael Bomber
TLOTA & Sgt. Angelinas (In Unison):
YES! (Cut to Det. Randy Brendan)
Det. Randy Brendan:
Tara Lovhaug. (Cut to James and Sgt. Angelinas.)
TLOTA:
No actually! (Cut to everyone as they say “Really?” Cut to James and Sgt. Angelinas)
TLOTA & Sgt. Angelinas (In Unison):
OF COURSE THEY WERE ALL FUCKING MURDERED! (The sound of cash hits the swear bank!) THANK YOU ROWDY! (Cut to Detective Randy Brendan as he does a ghostly wail)
Detective Randy Brendan:
Murder, Murder, Murder, Murder, Murder, Murder, Murder! CHANGE THE FUCKING RECORD! (Cash hits the swear bank.) Thanks Randi!
Randi Cartmel (Audio only):
Anytime love! (Cut to Officer Chic Oxnard)
Officer Chic Oxnard:
Why can’t you just accept it was an accident? (Cut to Sgt. Angelinas)
Sgt. Angelinas:
Because I’m not high as a kite in thinking that Jessie beat the shit out of herself then jabbed herself with her own gardening shears! (Cut to Chic Oxnard)
Chic Oxnard:
John Marklin fell on a shovel and gave himself a nasty scar for it! (Cut to Officer Donna Snatcher)
Officer Donna Snatcher:
Accidents happen all the time, what makes you think it was murder? (Cut to James, Sgt Angelinas and Rowdy)
TLOTA, Rowdy and Sgt. Angelinas (In Unison):
BECAUSE WE WERE THERE! (Cut to Det. Randy Brendan)
Det. Randy Brendan:
Okay, that’s a damn good question, why were you there? (Cut to Sgt. Angelinas)
Sgt. Angelinas:
I had asked James to ask about a florist so I could get Officer Johnson an Anthurium for her birthday. (Cut to Det. Randi Cartmel)
Det. Randi Cartmel:
What whore shit! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
We chased the suspect from the scene; innocent people do NOT RUN! (Cut to Chic Oxnard)
Chic Oxnard:
Maybe, maybe it’s our old friend the deer hunter! (Cut to Donna Snatcher)
Donna Snatcher:
[Beat] Yeah, he was a horn-y bastard; wasn’t he? (Everyone except Rowdy, James and Sgt. Angelinas laugh as it cuts to Rowdy.)
Rowdy:
ARE ALL YOU JACKASSES OUT OF YOUR FRACKING MINDS?! (Cut to Det. Randy Brendan)
Det. Randy Brendan:
[Beat] Maybe...maybe you are. Maybe... maybe you’re the killers, seeing as how you three are such fans of Murder! (Cut to James coming face to face with Det. Randy Brendan)
TLOTA:
Yeah, I love murder, so much so when I beat the rap for the ones that has happened, I will come here and KICK YOUR ASS SO YOUR FUCKING BRAINS CAN WORK!
Chief Johnson (Audio only):
Misters Faraci and Rowdy, Sgt Angelinas? My office now! (Cut to the three as Chief Johnson sits in disappointment)
Chief Johnson:
What am I going to do with you three? (Cut to Sgt. Angelinas, James and Rowdy.)
Sgt. Angelinas:
You hired me to do a job and that’s what I’m trying to do. Please understand (Cut to Chief Johnson)
Chief Johnson:
NO, You must understand, we haven’t had something like this for a long time. Most of these officers haven’t had to deal with a murder let alone a string of murders since Tara Lovhaug’s (Cut to Sgt. Angelinas, James and Rowdy)
TLOTA:
But Chief, we’re certain.
Rowdy:
And even more important, we know who the mastermind of the murders is! (Cut to everyone from the Squad house entering the supermarket of Steven Schiller.)
Sgt. Angelinas:
Steven Schiller? Sgt. Angelinas, you are under arrest for the murders of Jessie Miller, Ted Messager, Greg Shopper, Annie Scraper, Michael Bomber and Tara Lovhaug! You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, you have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be provided for you. Do you understand your rights? (Cut to a shocked Steven Schiller.)
Steven Schiller:
Jessie is dead? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Don’t play dumb, it’s the police’s job! I know how you did it all, here’s what happened! (Cut to Steven Schiller and all the crimes as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
You saw Tara Lovhaug at the casino on the border, she was working and you were afraid to be recognized, she would’ve hurt your image as a businessman opening a shop in the hometown. Your mind worked quickly to get rid of her and she was victim number one. When it comes to the deaths of Annie and Michael, you were upset that two of your former employees were trying to bring art and culture, as best as they could, to the town of Triple Crest, and given what me and Sgt. Angelinas saw, my college would’ve been able to do a better show than that, and they’ve shut down two thirds of the arts department, so it was time for you to strike down the former employees that you knew had connections to Tara Lovhaug and Greg Shopper, whose now reduced to rubble McMansion was built on the Lovhaug’s former residence and blowing up said McMansion using a judicious amount of gas, bacon, beans and a few lit candles. But there were two loose ends, Cousin Jessie and Ted Messager. Ted was shredded by the cross from the church and Jessie not more than a few hours ago beaten down and killed by her own Garden Shears! (Cut to everyone in the store.)
TLOTA:
The only problem is that you were cut on the leg while being chased this very day! (James rips the pants off Steven Schiller and notices no cuts and is shocked stupid. Cut to later at Ladybird’s house.)
TLOTA:
How could this happen?! He did it! He killed them! You guys know this, I know this, there’s something missing!
Ladybird Johnson:
Maybe, but for now, why don't you guys relax? The Anthurium you got me was lovely. Can I water it while it’s in the evidence locker? (Cut to James as he sits down in confusion and Rowdy sits next to James.)
TLOTA:
There is something missing! What is it?
Rowdy:
Sometimes things just don't work. Look we’ve got a couple of weeks, let’s relax with some pie and hot cocoa! (James picks his head up)
TLOTA:
The Pie and Hot Cocoa?! (Cut to Agent Allen Park is walking around as James and Rowdy Genie Blinks in and scare the daylights out of him)
TLOTA:
Sorry to scare you but time was of the essence! This is apple pie and hot cocoa, hot tea and coffee from the Quintuple A! We need you to run a drug analysis for anything and everything that isn’t supposed to be in these. (Cut to Allen Park)
Allen Park:
What are you looking for in these items? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
[Beat] We don’t know, that’s why we came to you. The reason we didn’t go to Linkara is because it would take until Valentine’s Day for results! (Cut to Allen Park as he takes the pie and beverages.)
Allen Park:
We will run an analysis, but it will take some time to get results, I will also contact Linkara to see if he can help me by using Comicron-One! (Cut to James and Rowdy)
Rowdy:
Thanks Allen, when you do, call this number, the results will wind up in my hands in seconds after the data has been collected. Genie! (James and Rowdy Genie blink out. Cut to James and Rowdy as they decide to do some things, James catches a legal amount of Salmon the size of a small skyscraper and builds a smoker out of a cardboard box and everyone enjoys the fruits of James’ labor and everything being normal for Triple Crest when James and Rowdy hit a market as James gets ready to make a meal as we meet the Log Lady owner of the store, played by Jessica Lopez-Barkl)
The Log Lady:
So, no luck in finding the killers? (Cut to James as he gets inspired!)
TLOTA:
Killers? KILLERS! (James kisses the log lady on the lips) Thank you! THANK YOU FOR THE SOLUTION! (Cut to James as he is packing up and Rowdy is trying to keep up with James.) Ladybird, your dad, where is he? The TWA Meeting at the Black Ultra Cabin, great! Meet me and Rowdy there. (James hangs up only for a gigantic man to arrive and tries to beat the daylights out of both James and Rowdy. Rowdy tries to knock him out with his Louisville Slugger on standby, only to hit James. The gigantic man tries to crush Rowdy’s skull as a crash hits the gigantic man rendering him unconscious and Sgt Nicolette Angelinas picks James and Rowdy up!)
Rowdy:
Your Anthurium!
Sgt. Angelinas:
Worth getting another one to see Schiller brought in for what he did!
TLOTA:
It was more than Schiller; it was Gigantor here and the rest of his staff from the store that did it, and Schiller was the mastermind. (Ladybird walks in to see what has happened and can deduce everything.)
Ladybird Johnson:
I tried to call my dad but...
TLOTA:
It’s okay, we’ll meet him at the Black Ultra Lodge! (Cut to James, Sgt Angelinas and Rowdy as they enter the Black Ultra Lodge and hear chanting in Latin only to discover that eight of the townspeople are involved in this as a cult. Cut to the eight.)
The One-Eyed Hotel Owner:
Now before we begin, I just want to celebrate the birth of Janna and Rodney’s babies; Raymond and his twin brother; Gabriel. (Cut to the town doctor as played by Tom Martin)
The Town Doctor:
And we also can celebrate the losses of Rowdy, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the tenacious Sgt. Angelinas so we can now work on eradicating our Hoodie infestation!
The One-Eyed Hotel Owner:
Yes, I will have to act surprised in seeing three more dead accidents in my poor hotel.
TLOTA (Audio only):
To quote either Paul McCartney or Mark Twain or someone as they said... (Cut to Sgt Angelinas, Rowdy and James walking in)
TLOTA:
The rumors of our demise have been GREATLY over exaggerated! [Beat]
Sgt. Angelinas:
Sgt. Nicolette Angelinas, Triple Crest Minnesota Police, you are all under arrest for conspiracy and multiple murders. You have the right to remain silent; anything you say can and will be used against you in a Minnesotan Court of Law. You have the right to an attorney; if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand your rights? (Cut to the eight as they laugh. Cut to Steven Schiller.)
Steven Schiller:
How do you think we would have been able to do this if the law wasn’t on our side. (Cut to the owner of the Quintuple A as played by Andrew Beach.)
The Owner of the Quintuple A:
Besides, It’s all about the greater good! (Cut to the eight as they say “The Greater good!” Cut to James, Rowdy and Sgt. Angelinas)
TLOTA, Rowdy and Sgt. Angelinas (In unison):
How can this be for the greater good? (Cut to the eight as they say “The Greater good!” Cut to Steven Schiller)
Steven Schiller:
For as much as it was a plausible idea that I could’ve been the murderer, the truth is much simpler. I knew Michael and Annie’s desire to bring the theatrical arts to the town, and I encouraged it. Sadly, I now wish I didn’t... (Cut to the murder of Michael and Annie. Cut to Steven Schiller) They did murder Shakespeare with their performance (Cut to James, Rowdy and Sgt. Angelinas)
Rowdy:
So their crime was that they were bad actors? If that’s the case, I know a whole town for you to slaughter! (James smacks Rowdy to the back)
TLOTA:
Okay Greg Shopper, his crime? (Cut to The Log Lady Shop owner)
The Log Lady:
His crime was that horrible McMansion! We begged him to keep up with the town’s aesthetics... (Cut to the murder of Greg Shopper. Cut to the log lady.) If he wasn’t going to do it, we would have to do what we had to do. (Cut to James, Rowdy and Sgt. Angelinas)
Sgt. Angelinas:
What about Ted Messager? (Cut to the one-eyed hotel owner.)
The One-Eyed Hotel Owner:
Ted’s tenure on our town’s paper was horrendous! Since he sliced the grammar of our paper and tossed in tabloid junk... (Cut to the murder of Ted Messager. Cut to The One-Eyed Hotel owner) We had to cut him down to fit the print as it were! (Cut to James, Rowdy and Sgt. Angelinas)
TLOTA:
Okay Jessie Miller, besides being a staple of the town and outside of the Tara Lovhaug Murder, her green thumb put Triple Crest on the map! (Cut to Steven Schiller as Rowdy pulls James away)
Steven Schiller:
Cousin Jessie was set to leave and start somewhere else; we just did what we had to do... (Cut to the murder of Jessie Miller. Cut to Steven Schiller.) To keep our town green! (Cut to James, Rowdy and Sgt. Angelinas)
Sgt. Angelinas:
How can this be for the greater good? (Cut to the eight as they say, “The Greater good!” Cut to Sgt. Angelinas) SHUT UP! You’re all going to be taken in for booking now! (A voice says; “I think not, Sergeant!” As from out of the shadows come Chief Lyndon B Johnson. Cut to a shocked Sgt. Angelinas) Chief?! What... I don’t...Huh? (Cut to the chief)
Chief Lyndon B Johnson:
I was like you at one time, but then I saw my wife, may she rest in peace, working on turning Triple Crest into the best town in all of Minnesota. When her efforts were in vain, well, she took her own life. And on that day, I swore to make her proud, no matter what the cost was. The adjudicators for the best town in Minnesota will be here tomorrow, I’m just sad you can’t see the bigger picture. (Cut to Sgt. Angelinas)
Sgt Angelinas:
Well I am happy to disappoint you, SIR! (Cut to Chief Johnson)
Chief Johnson:
You’ve seen the people here, they’re happy, content... (Cut to James as he interrupts.)
TLOTA:
They’re also high on drugs, just got a lab report from a federal agency. According to the results, the small amounts found in the Apple Pie, Hot Cocoa, Tea and Coffee while brings out better flavors from said beverages and food, daily consumption can lead to delusions and erratic behavior and a strong enough dose is more deadly than all illicit materials and some that have been regulated combined. They also did an autopsy on the remains of Tara Lovhaug, apparently that is what killed her and you Chief Johnson were the one to deal her the deadly amount! (Cut to Sgt. Angelinas.)
Sgt Angelinas:
You are all coming in! (A voice from nowhere says “No they’re not, Sergeant!” as Linkara and Ladybird comes out of the shadows, Linkara pointing his magic gun on James and Rowdy and Ladybird pointing her gun at Nicolette.)
TLOTA & Rowdy (In unison):
Linkara?! Why?!
Nicolette Angelinas:
Ladybird! NO! (Cut to Linkara)
Linkara:
You couldn’t leave well enough alone, I’m sorry about this! (James and Rowdy overpower Linkara and points his magic gun at his own head as does Nicolette with Ladybird.)
TLOTA:
STAND BACK! BEFORE YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY YOUR STATE HERO AND YOUR DAUGHTER “ACCIDENTALLY” FELL AND THEIR WEAPONS DISCHARGED, KILLING THEM INSTANTLY! I MEAN IT! (The eight come closer and James yells out “FUCK IT!” and tosses the two at the eight as Nicolette, James and Rowdy run for their lives and the three fall into a pit filled with rotting corpses and skeletons. The three quickly escape through a set of catacombs as they see more dead bodies and are reintroduced to Linkara and his Magic gun as it shoots and a flash of light blinds everything as we cut to the inside of a spaceship.)
Rowdy:
What the hell is going on?
TLOTA:
It’s Comicron-One!
Nicolette Angelinas:
Comicron-One? (A voice says "It’s my spaceship!" as the camera cuts to Linkara)
Linkara:
And I am getting you out of Triple Crest, Once and For All! (Cut to black)
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