(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal.)
(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown then slides away to different images of Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.)
(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.)
(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Entertainment Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.)
(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.)
(Cut to James in his office)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and the views I’m about to express are that of my own, and some of yours. Mystery Science Theater 3000! (Cut to clips of “MST3K” Shorts as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While its future is uncertain for now, its legacy still speaks volumes. And to be honest, it’s a feat that they are able to get us laughing and make our own jokes for ninety minutes! That’s right, ninety minutes! That’s if you take out the commercial breaks, and sometimes, there is a challenge; sometimes, they need something to help with the run time, and that’s where shorts come in. In the first couple of seasons, they had serialized shorts featuring Commander Cody, Bela Lugosi in “The Phantom Creeps,” and the “Undersea Kingdom,” until they found shorts that were Public Domain and able to be shown even if they were able to syndicate and put the show on the home market. And Today, I am counting down the Top Ten Shorts from MST3K. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So let’s get the biggest laughs from the shortest portions of MST3K. These are the top ten shorts featured on MST3K!
(Cut to a field as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, and a camera looks around. James pops up in Camo and starts shooting, and the camera drops. Cut to the inside of an oven where the camera symbolizes. James looks in before closing the door, and the words "Top 10 shorts featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000" are shown. James closes the door, revealing the Number.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 10
(Cut to the short “Robot Rumpus” with the MST3K team riffing it and James doing a voiceover)
10) “Robot Rumpus”
TLOTA (V.O.):
The only “Gumby” short that is in the public domain, so it was fair game for the MST3K group to go on, and boy, do they go to town on Gumby for being bland, his diet being boring, for the chaos the robots did, and oh yeah, for what they called cheap clay Stop motion animation. Full disclosure: when I was a kid, I watched “Gumby,” so I knew the animation would be stilted because it was stop-motion claymation. It was my first guilty-pleasure series as a kid. So, seeing Mike and the bots go to town on “Gumby” hurt me in my childhood. But I will admit that it got a chuckle out of me the way they hit the right notes when it came to being funny. This short preceded the movie “The Screaming Skull,” and the fact that this is the only Gumby short riffed by Mike and the Bots puts this on the list.
(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein what the camera symbolizes and Olivia looks in, uses a Bulb Baster, and closes the door, revealing the Number.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 9
(Cut to the short “The Truck Farmer” with the MST3K team riffing it as James does a voiceover.)
9) “The Truck Farmer”
TLOTA (V.O.):
Airing before the fan and host, Joel Hodgson’s favorite MST3K episode, “I Accuse My Parents.” Joel and the bots have a fun time taking this one to town. They even mention “Killdozer” from an earlier episode. They also went after how we were less strict about the chemical pesticides we used on the vegetables, and the transportation of vegetables to supermarkets. On its own, the short feels entertaining and educational about what it was like to farm industrially after the Second World War, including the introduction of canned vegetables. But in the hands of the MST3K crew, it is a hoot to see Joel and the bots farm up great jokes about what is now a look at how we carelessly ingested what may have ruined veggies for a few generations. Thank you, oh mighty Truck Farmer.
(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Renee putting a Dressing dish in the oven and closing the door, revealing the Number.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 8
(Cut to the shorts “Posture Pals” and “Speech: Platform Posture and Apperance” with the MST3K teams riffing it as James does a voiceover.)
8) “Posture Pals” and “Speech: Platform Posture and Apperance”
TLOTA (V.O.):
Oh, Centron Productions, you gave the MST3K so much material; it was hard to decide which ones were the best riffed by Joel or Mike, so I chose one from each host, and wouldn’t you know it, both have the same theme: how you stand. “Posture Pals,” which preceded the movie “The Unearthly,” and “Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance,” which preceded “Red Zone Cuba,” seem to have the same message but for different audiences. But does that affect the riffs? Heck no, I mean yeah, at times there were jokes that sounded like both were written at the same time, but in no way does that mean they re-did everything the second time around. But on their own, these shorts are painfully boring; it's left to both Joel and Mike to make learning how to stand and move, hilariously funny.
(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Paulo and Brenda Fonseca putting their homemade Croissant Rolls in the oven and closing the door, revealing the Number.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 7
(Cut to the short “The Chicken Of Tomorrow” with the MST3K team riffing it as James does a voiceover.)
7) The Chicken of Tomorrow
TLOTA (V.O.):
While this short does show what it’s like for the chickens to be what we have them to be, meatier than the ones people knew about, but by today’s standards, they're blander and drier again. By today's standards, there’s a lot to go through about how we don’t allow the birds to get some age on them. But I liked it even though I was able to check this out with the kiddies, but with some discretion when it came to the jokes made by Mike and the Bots. I was able to bypass the more mature jokes by talking louder than the MST3K crew and having my nieces watch the shorts' footage. Even though my youngest niece pointed out that Tom Servo looks like a Gumball Machine. That’s why I was able to put this on my list, the fact that I was able to share this short, which preceded the riffing of “The Brute Man,” on this list. If you can check it out with the next generation of your family, then it is worth your time to see Chickens of Tomorrow, which you can enjoy today.
(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein what the camera symbolizes, Rebecca and Nick Yaun put a Green Bean Casserole in the oven and close the door, revealing the Number.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 6
(Cut to the short “A Date With My Family” with the MST3K team riffing it as James does a voiceover.)
6) “A Date With My Family”
TLOTA (V.O.):
Preceding another fan favorite episode, “Invasion USA” [The Non-Chuck Norris version], this short gets super creepy super quickly. You know that trope of “Woman, get back into the kitchen!” This short showed how lucky my family was to come together AFTER this short was released back in the 1950s. Imagine all the horrible scars this family carries; the children are emotionally stunted for life, and heaven help the wife who probably discovered her own liquor cabinet and met up with the milk and mailman. In contrast, the husband and father of the family is blissfully ignorant of the damage he’s caused that generation. Thankfully, in the next host segment, they mock the hell out of the short and realize how stupid it is to hold back the emotions. But yeah, this is one where the ending riff is the most pertinent.
(Show clip of Crow saying, “This makes me want to heat up a Libby land Dinner and eat in front of the TV.” Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Jessica Lopez-Barkl and Nick Lopez moving the Stuffing over, placing a Sweet Potato Pie in the oven, and closing the door, revealing the Number.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 5
(Cut to the short “Last Clear Chance” with the MST3K team riffing it as James does a voiceover.)
5) “Last Clear Chance”
TLOTA (V.O.): This short, which preceded “Radar Secret Service,” is one of the darkest-humored shorts riffed by the MST3K crew about how to better pay attention while driving, especially around railroad tracks. What puts it on the list is how they portray the officer who narrates the short. He seems friendly and nice, but when the subject is everyone gambling with their driving. Of course, when one of the family members DIES, it nearly shatters Mike and The Bots in a way more powerful than something like, say, “Code Name: Diamond Head” could. Then the ending, where the narrating officer has decided to shut down his humanity and go all rogue cop on speeders, drunk drivers, and the like, Mike and the Bots realize that every other officer shown after the guy shuts down is singing about people dying every day.
(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Doug Yaun moving the Croissant Rolls and placing them in a tray of 100 Pigs In A Blanket in the oven and closing the door, revealing the Number.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 4
(Cut to the short “Days Of Our Years” with the MST3K team riffing it as James does a voiceover.)
4) “Days Of Our Years”
TLOTA (V.O.):
Preceding the riffing of “The Amazing Transparent Man,” this short features a Reverend who tells stories about how much time we have on this earth, how we need to be safer at work, and how we need to be less accident-prone. While Mike and the bots are without doubt making riffs, it feels like they had to handle this one with eggshells, even though they knew that the stuff they were talking about was hard. I mean, yeah, they were funny, but it was clear that they were worried about how they were coming off. While it was humorous, they know what it is like to see accidents happen, especially when they cause this much damage.
(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Crosslyn Castillo as she places corn in the oven and closes the door, revealing the Number.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 3
(Cut to the short “A Case Of Spring Fever” with the MST3K team riffing it as James does a voiceover.)
3) “A Case of Spring Fever”
TLOTA (V.O.):
This was the final short riffed during the original run. It proceeded “Squirm,” but hoo-boy, did this one give Mike and The Bots nightmares about a world without... of all things, Springs! The little imp called “Coilly” had to hear a middle-aged man complaining about the box spring on his couch. Quickly realizing the mistake he made, “Bill,” as I will call him, recanted his wish and soon became a know-it-all about springs, which drives his friends to anger and wanting to leave him behind in the middle of the desert. But in his mind, if you wish to get rid of springs, then you might want to watch this and hopefully keep the sanity that was lost. All that I can say is “Go Springs” (Whistles)
(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Andrew Beach and Doug Yaun placing a Pumpkin and Apple Pie in the oven before closing the door to reveal the Number.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 2
(Cut to the short “Hired!” Parts 1 & 2 with the MST3K team riffing it as James does a voiceover.)
2) “Hired!” Parts one and two
TLOTA (V.O.):
Broken between the movies “Bride Of The Monster" and "Manos: The Hands Of Fate,” the two parts tell the story of a Chevrolet salesman who struggles to keep his salesmen selling Chevys. However, at the end of Part one, partly inspired by the title, Joel and The Bots decide to make a musical about the short, if they had seen the second half they would’ve known what happened and how the Manager’s advice from his father who may have been a little cuckoo in the eyes of Joel and The Bots, it would’ve been an even more hilarious moment for the next episode. But instead, they just brush that whole thing off when “Manos” was being riffed. Oh well, if car salesmen were musically selling cars to you, would you buy one on your trip to the Valley Lodge? Probably not.
(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Eric Kurtzke placing Baked Potatoes in the oven and closing the door. However, the weight of what's in the oven falls, causing a crater in the Kitchen; it cuts to James looking down in the crater and shouting, "GUYS!" and walking away where the oven is revealing the number.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
And the number one short riffed on Mystery Science Theater 3000 is...
(The scene cuts to James with a guitar.)
TLOTA:
This is a guitar! Oh no! (The Camera zooms to James’ face) OH NO! (Cut to the clip of Mr. B Natural popping up, and the MST3K team jumps back in fear as the first thirty seconds of “Night on Bald Mountain” by Modest Mussorgsky play in the foreground. Cut to James as he screams! Cut to the clip of Mr. B Natural as it comes to the kid, and it says, “Fun! Fun! Fun!” And Crow shouts, “Uh, that’s nice, MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” Cut to James as he tosses his guitar into the air and screams in fear! Cut to the clip of Mr. B Natural as he shouts for “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” as Mr. B Natural jump cuts to holding instruments. Cut to James as he screams again, only to be clocked in the head with the guitar and collapses. Cut to the short “Mr. B Natural” with the MST3K team riffing it as James does a voiceover after crying and sobbing for five seconds.)
1) “Mr. B Natural”
TLOTA (V.O.):
While I understand the idea that learning how music helped young Buzz come out of his shell, and that all he needed was a little help. I don’t think someone who has identity problems can help someone like Buzz. But what makes this the same as “Manos: The Hands Of Fate” in terms of popularity are the questions fans of MST3K ask: “What is Mr. B Natural?”, “How does this want me to get into playing music?", etc. And the fact that people remember this short rather than the rest of the episode, which follows the short, which was “War Of The Colossal Beast,” says something about this short. (Cut to clips in which they reference “Mr. B Natural” on MST3K and other Riffers as James does a voiceover.) But the fact that they reference this short in different episodes, including the 1995 MST3K Turkey Day. As a matter of fact, others have riffed on the short in full and even the newest MADS Kinga and TV’s Max; TV’s Son Of Frank riffed on “Mr. B Natural.” I would love to see the mash-up of the riffs between Joel and The Bots, Kinga and TV’s Max (Son of TV’s Frank), and see the results. Mr. B Natural, whatever you are, whatever it is you do, congrats on one thing, being the most remembered riffed short on MST3K (Cut to “Mr. B Natural” as Joel, Kinga, and Max say in unison, “It Stinks!” as Mr. B Natural gives the Okay sign! Cut to James physically as he holds his guitar.)
TLOTA:
Are there any shorts that you think missed this list? Let me know in the comments. Next time it will be December, and I have got some great... (The MST3K Turkey Day Hymn plays as James becomes excited and tosses the guitar into the air.) You’ll find out in December, I’m James Faraci, The Last.... (The Guitar hits him as Joel and The Bots sing “Theater 3000” and James collapses as Joel and The Bots sing “It’s thirty straight hours and it’s called “Turkey Day!” fade to black.)
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