The Work of "Clerks" as done by Jerks

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to clips of the movie "Clerks" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I FRIGGIN' love "Clerks",  It tells the story of a day in the life of two clerks Dante Hicks played by Brian O'Halloran and Randal Graves played by Jeff Anderson who work at The Quick Stop & RST Video two stores that share the same lot and the story centers on a day in their lives when they work together and the incidents that happen that affect their lives. It made the careers of Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes and opened up an entire universe of movies that which rivals the MCU and opened my mind to the world of independent movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

And to help expand on the universe there was a series that was made to show more of the misadventures of Dante and Randal and I just so happen to have it! So let's watch and check out the series based on the movie "Clerks"! (Cut to opening after title card of the failed pilot known as "Clerks" as it shows characters and Jim Breuer talking before cutting to James) What's going on here? (Cut to clips of the failed pilot of "Clerks" before cutting to James physically) Are you serious?! THIS ISN'T CLERKS!  (Cut to clips of the failed pilot known as "Clerks" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This is just a cheap knock off clone of a failed "Saved By The Bell" spin-off! Okay, to be serious now I am going to try and tell the story as best as I can from the information I have gathered. First off from what I know, this pilot was made while Kevin Smith was in production of "Mallrats" without Kevin Smith's knowledge or approval though Kevin Smith did want to take part in this as well as Brian O'Halloran and Jeff Anderson for whatever reason the pilot never made it to air or even made it to series maybe Kevin Smith saw the pilot and used the connection he now regrets having to kill the series or maybe intelligence broke through and they decided not to proceed with the series but mercifully we've only got this pilot to get through. But even that might be less painful to sit through than (Show poster of "Jersey Girl") "Jersey Girl". (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
That's right! Kevin Smith's first post "View Askewniverse" movie is better than a failed pilot based on the first big successful movie and if for some sadistic reason you want to join me in watching this feel free to join me HERE! But let's not wait any longer. Let's get into the failed pilot known as "Clerks"! (Cut to the failed pilot known as "Clerks" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

So our Pilot opens on three outs already! Strike one on the first out, The theme song should've been "Clerks" by Love Among Freaks. But the song they use "Making Me Sick" by the band Bash and Pop. Second Strike on the first out was not using the Quick Stop & RST Video. Instead, they set the series...IN A FRIGGIN STRIP MALL WHERE THERE'S A CONVENIENCE STORE AND VIDEO RENTAL PLACE! The third strike on the first out was the "Original" characters. The story is that Kevin Smith didn't own the rights to the title "Clerks" or to the other characters from "Clerks" except for "Jay & Silent Bob" so instead we get characters like Ray who's a Klepto, An Ice Cream store employee who is friends to both Dante and Randall and a girl who is so tan she belongs on "Jersey Shore" and yes this girl is played by Keri Russell who I am sure fired her agent and got the one that got her the role of "Felicity" and her role on "The Americans" not long after this pile of garbage was done and as for the characters of Dante, Randal and yes Veronica we have in place of Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson and Marilyn Ghigliotti we have Andrew Lowery, Jim Breuer and Noelle Parker! Now we've got for the first strike on the second out the fact they did this without Kevin Smith's knowledge and or blessing. The Second strike on the second out is that the writing sucks! There was none of the intelligence, none of the comedic timing or anything Kevin Smith put into the movie. Instead we've got the same old tired crap writing from the type of bad sitcoms that networks shove down our throats. The third strike on the second out is the laugh track. It is painfully constant throughout this entire thing that it is dubbed because it would NOT surprise me to know that the audience who paid to see this pilot being filmed weren't doing this... (Cut to a clip of everyone in Team TLOTA, Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Marilyn Ghigliotti, Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith committing Suicide while the laugh track drowns out the cries, guns going off, sounds of blades being drawn and piercing flesh and some taking a flying leap off the bleachers before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
And after watching "Wrestling With Wregret"'s Episodes on The AWF, The XWF & Heroes of Wrestling I can honestly say that the crowd dubbing is just as bad as those if not worse given the fact that they're doing a show based on an independent movie.(Cut to clips of the failed pilot known as "Clerks" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
First strike on the third out? Simply put this has every bad 1990's trope out there and this pilot flaunts it as if to make it WRONG. How they handled the tropes was awful as well. The second strike on the third out is how horrible the acting comes out, it just disgusts me how the actors totally whiff how to be Dante, Randal and Veronica. Even Jim Breuer comes off as comedically annoying. The final strike on the third out, simply put (Cut to the clip of MST3K "Attack Of The Eye Creatures" as Joel, Tom Servo and Crow say "THEY JUST DIDN'T CARE!" before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
I don't think I ever saw a pilot based on a movie that saw so diametrically opposed to the source material than this and not give a rat's ass about it. When you translate ANYTHING into a series you have to be as true to the source material but it was clear that they didn't care to even see the source material to get everything true to the source. The best examples of that I can think of that were successful are of course "M*A*S*H" & "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" because they did everything with the creators of the material and worked with them. The people who made this pilot did not and it shows how little they actually cared! Now let's get to reviewing this turkey.(Cut to the failed pilot known as "Clerks" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

The pilot starts off with "Dante", "Randal" and the other clerk I'm calling "Goober" harassing a girl because she tans so much she might as well be on Jersey Shore hell, I might as well call her "Jersey" but "Goober" has a crush on her while Jim Breuer just tries to whiff Jim Carrey's style of physical humor without any of the charm of it! We then cut to the next day as "Veronica" nicely chews out "Dante" for not getting the night off where as the movie version would've made this the starting point another argumentative reason as to why Dante should go back to college and get the hell out of the Quick Stop! But I digress, "Dante" and "Veronica"'s date at the NOT RST Video store goes about as well as the audience liking this "Pilot" all the while Jim Breuer again misses the mark on being Randal. But soon enough we're introduced to "Dante"'s dad who gives him grief for working at the NOT Quick Stop and proceeds to tell Dante about a job in an Insurance Agency. If this was really CLERKS Dante would've jumped at an opportunity to get out of the Quick Stop, even if it meant getting a job telling people on how to bundle their Home, Life and Auto insurance. A couple of hours after the meeting we're introduced to a little wormy piss-ant who I will call "Douchey" and he tells "Dante", "Randal" & "Goober" about his new job in New York and apparently "Douchey" shares a class with "Veronica" which sends "Dante" into a snit. Apparently "Douchey" decided to rat on "Dante" & "Randal" after they failed a senior prank. We get another sissy argument between "Dante" & "Veronica", "Dante" tries and fails to get ahold of "Veronica" and decides to go for the job at the Insurance Agency. (Show moment of when Jim Breuer pretends to hang himself before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Oh hey Jim Breuer predicted his own career downfall after being in this pilot and after getting the boot from SNL!(Cut to the failed pilot known as "Clerks" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Before heading out for his Insurance Agency interview. "Randal" decides to throw a party at the Video Store so "Goober" and "Jersey" can hook up and to say farewell to "Dante". Meanwhile at the party "Goober" & "Jersey" talk about doing the humpty hump in the Tanning Booth but back at the NOT Quick Stop "Dante" hears about "Douchey"'s celebration and gets "Randal" and "Goober" to take him to because "Veronica" is there. At "Douchey"'s party "Dante" dares "Douchey" to finish up the old High School Senior Prank that never happened. But fortunately the cops come and arrest the group but before "Douchey" gets to spend the night as someone's bunkmate.  "Dante" & "Veronica" discuss how "Douchey" is a prick &"Dante" takes the heat. The cops arrest "Dante" & "Veronica" and they make up in the back of the cop car and this ungodly abomination is taken behind the woodshed as Ray takes everything that isn't nailed down. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And  it doesn't surprise me that this didn't make it to series. But supposedly Kevin Smith wrote an episode that he got turned into an episode of the short lived Animated Series which was better than what I just saw because on a scale from One to Ten as to how bad this one off was? ...THIS ONE IS A FRIGGIN' THIRTY SEVEN!

(Cut to clips of the failed pilot known as "Clerks" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

WHAT IN THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?! THE STORY IS A FARCE OF WHAT KEVIN SMITH COULD COME UP WITH, THE ACTING IS SO IRRITATINGLY BAD AND IF THIS WENT TO SERIES, I GUARANTEE THERE WOULD BE RIOTS ON THE NETWORK THAT WOULD'VE PICKED IT UP WHICH MOSTLY WOULD'VE BEEN ABC AND YOU CAN SEE IN EVERY SECOND OF THIS SCHLOCK THAT THERE WAS NO EFFORT, NO ATTEMPT TO PAY HOMAGE TO THE CLASSIC. THIS IS ON THE SAME LEVEL OF BAD TV THAT HAD EXECUTIVE MEDDLING AS "Power Rangers: Operation Overdrive", "Power Rangers: Super Megaforce" AND OTHER BAD Power Rangers seasons THAT IT WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME THAT...(Cut to James physically as he turns to the left and sees the Lindsay Naegel esque Studio Executive played by Olivia Horvath)

TLOTA:
Not a word, meet me and a few of my friends at the address on this card tonight. Try to explain yourself to them. (Cut to a car driving to a store at night as it parks the POV shows the store with the steel shutters down and a sign saying "I assure we're still open!" before cutting to the inside of the store as the Lindsay Naegel esque Studio Executive walks in)

L.N. Exec (Played By Olivia Horvath):
Hello? (Two pairs of hands pull the exec as "Big Problems" by Corrosion Of Conformity plays in the foreground before seeing Jay & Silent Bob strangle the Lindsay Naegel esque Studio Exec before she hits them in the nuts and starts to run before she sees a puff of CO2 Gas and powder hit her face before zooming to a very pissed off Veronica played by Marilyn Ghigliotti stands with a Fire Extinguisher)

Veronica (Played by Marilyn Ghigliotti):
Did you think you could get away with fucking around with us, BITCH?! (Cut to the Lindsay Naegel esque Studio Exec as she coughs and tries to say "What?" before getting hit on the right side with a Baguette then smacked on her left side with a Hockey Stick before zooming to Dante Hicks played by Brian O'Halloran and Randal Graves played by Jeff Anderson before cutting to the Lindsay Naegel Studio Executive)

L.N. Exec (Played By Olivia Horvath):
Who the hell are you? (Cut to Dante & Randal)

Dante Hicks (Played by Brian O'Halloran):
Me? I'm the real Dante FUCKING Hicks!

Randal Graves (Played by Jeff Anderson):
And I'm the Fucking Real Randal Graves Bitch! (Cut to The L.N. Exec turns as the camera faces Veronica)

Veronica:
Name's Veronica and I'm the real FUCKING DEAL SKANK! (Cut to The L.N. Exec  as she tries to head for the door as the camera cuts to Jay & Silent Bob)

Jay (Played by Jason Mewes):
And I'm Jay and this pissed off motherfucker is my Hetero life mate Silent Bob And we've got a few four letter words and fucking Knuckle Sandwiches to deliver along with a case of FUCKING WHOOP ASS! (Cut to an overhead shot of everyone closes in on the Lindsay Naegel Studio exec as she shrinks in and they beat the daylights out of her before cutting to sometime later as James sets up Ice packs.)

TLOTA:
Sorry you had to deal with having your names and the events that happened being tarnished by that Awful Pilot. (Cut to everyone else)

Dante:
Listen, what happened 25 years ago is a night I'll never forget.

Veronica:
The next day was just as insane. Found out the truth that Julie Dwyer died two days ago and Randal knocked over the casket, The wh… Caitlin who died a few years ago god rest her soul, did a dead guy in the bathroom here trying to correct a piece of what's now known as "Fake News",  Me & Dante had a very lengthy conversation, he went back to college just for me though we lasted until 1999 when he went back here full time but he wanted to stay friends with me and thankfully we're better off this way. Jay and Silent Bob went on some crazy as fuck adventures and the fact that Dante & Randal own both this and the RST Video is a surprise to me.

Randal:
That and Veronica's kid and Dante's kid are in the same grade and call me Uncle Randal.  Anyway I'm glad because I've got my movies and I've got a job I love. Who can ask for anything more?

Silent Bob:
Hey at least me and Jay went legit with our corner stash.

Jay:
That's right, thank god they legalized it for medicinal use and we cashed in and between the cash from the movie and all the other  "Bluntman & Chronic" merchandising it's all good for us. (Cut to James as he cleans up the mess as everyone continues to talk to one another before cutting to James as he gets ready to head on out)

TLOTA:
Once again thanks for helping me out. Anything you want me to do? (Cut to Dante, Randal, Veronica, Jay & Silent Bob)

Dante:
Wrangle on outta here! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
You got it Hombre! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion! (James wrangles on out the same way Randal did at the end of "Clerks")

Dante (Audio):
Here comes James Faraci he's The Last Of The Americans (Scatting then laughing)

TLOTA (Audio):
YOU'RE CLOSED! (The opening of "I can't even tell" from Soul Asylum plays in the background before cutting to black as the music ends)