Saturday, December 12, 2015

Have yourself a "Muppet" little "Christmas"

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci riding with Santa on his sleigh, throwing snowballs, singing Christmas Carols with The Muppets, baking cookies, Waxing Rudolph’s red nose to add to the brightness and pal around with Frosty before fading away to see a picture of the North Pole Santa Workshop appears in the background as Jesus Christ, Santa Claus and Santa Christ appear in the foreground as all three stand as a Christmas Tree land over them and James Faraci stands alongside the Christmas tree with a smile on his face and in Holiday text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side as Jingling Bells and snow falls in the intro before cutting to James in his office with a smile on his face)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and it’s…. (James slams his fists and a green and red hypnowheel pops up and James’ head is in the center as Christmas based imagery is around the border of the screen and a metal instrumental version of “Jingle Bells” play in the background.)


Eliza Dushku: WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PLACE?! (Cut to James sitting back up with his hair looking like Georgio A. Tsoukalos with red and green stripes in it.)

TLOTA: Well it’s the holidays and in a few hours my family and friends in the Reviewerverse are gonna be here and I figured I’d get my review in before the party gets into full swing. (Cut to Eliza Dushku at the door.)

Eliza Dushku: Well have you looked at yourself in a mirror recently? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: No. Why? (Cut to Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: Take a look! (Eliza grabs a mirror and shows James his new hairdo)

TLOTA: YOWZA! (James shakes his head until his hair looks normal except for the red and green) Better? (Cut to Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: The Red and Green look wicked festive on you! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Thanks. So how about you come and sit with me and help me on this? (Cut to Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: Uh, No, I’ve got to help everyone else get ready, but you know it’s kind of wicked easy seeing as how 95 % of the work was done already, all we have to do is reheat the food and set up the buffet. You do a lot for us. Thanks James. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: No problem. So while you’re finalizing the little bits and pieces for the party, I’m gonna celebrate by watching the Muppets’ version of “It’s a Wonderful Life” (James turns his head to the left in confusion then to the right in confusion before looking at the audience.)

TLOTA: Wait! What?! (Cut to the Opening Credit of “It’s a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie” before cutting to clips of the movie while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah this was kind of a weird Holiday Hybrid and even though some of it is dated, I can look past that and see this for a good piece during a dark time for the Muppets. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Yeah, here’s the thing, remember how in my “In Defense Of “Muppets From Space”” I said how much of a low point it was for The Muppets. I kind of understated a huge obvious statement. I mean this was… (A Bright light flare shines as Choral Music plays in James’ face as it cuts to the corner of James’ office and a woman dressed in a white chorus robe played by Rachel Herrick hovers over James’ desk.)

Women dressed in chorus robe: Greetings James, I am Rachel and I am your Guardian Angel! (Cut to James squinting)

TLOTA: What did you say? I can’t hear you because of the Choral Music and I can’t see because of the light coming off of the lens flare. (Cut to Rachel)

Rachel: Okay guys, take a hike back up and on your way out kill the extra lights. (A Chorus walks away carrying a load of Stage lights with them)

Rachel: As I said before, I am Rachel and I IEEEEEE! (Rachel falls down to earth and says “ow” off screen as the scene cuts to see Rachel crawling towards and eventually sitting next to James.)

Rachel: Okay, let me try one more time, I am Rachel and I am your Guardian Angel, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

TLOTA: My Guardian Angel?

Rachel: Yes and I have come on high to remind you of the love that your fellow man has for you and the love you give to your fellow man.

TLOTA: I’m kind of aware of that, besides you caught me at a bad time. You see, I’m reviewing “It’s a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie” and…

Rachel: Muppets? Did you say Muppets?!

TLOTA: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh My Goodness, I love The Muppets!  So what did you think of their new series so far?

TLOTA: Well it’s safe to say after seeing this. (Cut to Clip of Miss Piggy going into Code Red Diva mode in “The Muppets” before cutting to James crying with a smile on his face with Rachel sitting next to him.)

TLOTA: It’s safe to say The Muppets are getting past the low point and few gasps of air it was going through and it is in good hands.

Rachel: Is that a tear in your eye?


Rachel Why?

TLOTA: Because I’m about five seconds from laughing my jingle bells off. Let’s not waste any time, this is… (James bursts into uncontrollable laughter for five seconds.)

Rachel: “It’s A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie.” (James sits back up and gasps for air.)

TLOTA: Thanks.

Rachel: No Problem. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the movie starts off with a party after a successful Christmas Show with the Muppets having a fun time, except for Kermit who looks like he had a lump of coal delivered in his stocking.

Kermit The Frog: We…We lost everything.

Other Muppets: Huh?

Kermit The Frog: I’m sorry I convinced you all to work so hard and believe in this dream. It was all for nothing. We lost the money, We lost the theater…. We’ve lost everything.

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s right, The Muppet Theater is now owned by a bank who decided to foreclose on it. (Cut to James and Rachel physically)

Rachel: Well that stinks. What else can happen? An oil tycoon will buy the theater and then demolish it for the oil underneath… (James pulls up a copy of “The Muppets” 2011 behind her as Rachel speaks and she turns around to see the cover.)

Rachel: Oh yeah, forgot about that. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Feeling despondent and ashamed Kermit walks away from everything and finds a park bench to sit and freeze himself. This catches the eye of Daniel played by David Arquette who decides to stick up for Kermit and confront the Boss itself played by Whoopi Goldberg to do so. Daniel takes us back to a few weeks before we see what led up to the events in the opening. Starting off with an appearance on Carson Daly’s late night talk show then continuing on with a Cirque Du Solei director played by Matthew Lillard practicing for an opening act and…. Well…. (Cut to a Muppet version of a Cirque Du Solei style show before cutting to James and Rachel looking confused and disturbed as to what they just saw.)

Rachel: I think this can be considered as one VERY BIG…

TLOTA: Save it, she’d bill us out the wazoo if we did that one. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that the owner of the Bank, Rachel Bitterman played by Joan Cusack comes by to let The Muppets know she’s the bad guy and she will foreclose on Christmas if they can’t pay the same night as their performance. So it’s up to all of them to come together all except for Miss Piggy who decides to get better work. While they try to get the show up and running and every last single seat filled for their performance they decided to go to the celebrity cameos ranging from Kelly Ripa to… Ugh Triumph The Comic Dog. (Cut to James and Rachel physically)

Rachel: What’s wrong with the Celebrity Cameos?

TLOTA: Nothing, I’m just not a fan of Triumph The Comic Dog, in fact one of my favorite Cameo appearance comes from the cast of “Scrubs”. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As a matter of fact, their cameo convinces Miss Piggy to get back to the Muppets and to their show because she hams it up on her appearance and they give her the axe. Meanwhile Rachel Bitterman decided to do some wicked things including messing around with the Mortgage to the theater so she can go ahead with her plans to turn the Muppet Theater into a Club where she can overcharge for drinks and music. (Show clip of Rachel Bitterman telling her plans as Pepe The King Prawn overhears it before cutting to James and Rachel physically)

TLOTA: You Cold Blooded Demon! (James gets Chudnofsky’s double barreled handgun from Seth Rogen’s “Green Hornet” and loads it) For your crimes against The Muppets, I’ll send you back to where you came from MYSELF!

Rachel: Is that a… (James shoots at Rachel Bitterman still image and the shots deflect off the still image then cut to James unloading the entire clip before cutting to the Still image of Rachel Bitterman and the shots just being deflected before cutting to James and Rachel.)

Rachel: Well James you just unloaded an entire magazine of bullets out of a double barreled handgun and it didn’t even phase…. (James grabs the three hundred round magazine and loads it into the double barreled handgun.) Okay here we go again! (Multiple shots are heard as the scene cuts to the Still image of Rachel Bitterman deflecting every single last shot before cutting to James standing there with an empty double barreled handgun.)

TLOTA (Whispering): What are you? (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So with that Knowledge Pepe runs to Kermit just as the show begins with a Moulin Rouge parody sketch and to be honest, the sketch itself isn’t bad and they employed some really great puppetry maneuvers in this and the entire movie. (Cut to the opening of the Moulin Scrooge opening with Gonzo being overdubbed with Linkara singing the opening song to The Nostalgia Critic’s “Moulin Rouge” review before cutting to James and Rachel physically.)

Rachel: What was that?

TLOTA: My attempt add levity to this review. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after Pepe crashes the sketch, everything goes bonkers (Cut to the sketch going into Baz Luhrmann Territory before cutting to James and Rachel staring at the insanity.)

Rachel: What is it you’d usually say at something like this?

TLOTA: Yowza!

Rachel: That’s the word. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after everything calms down thanks to Miss Piggy basically going ballistic in order to get the sketch back on track. (Show the end of the sketch)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that Pepe tells Kermit about Bitterman’s sabotage, Fozzie volunteers to deliver the money himself and faster than you can say Wocka Wocka! Fozzie runs into Holiday Hijinks! (Cut to the clip of Fozzie going up against a Steve Irwin-esque Outdoor enthusiast, gets spray painted Green and is chased by Whos because he looks like the Grinch and then through a Steam bath, bumping into a Salvation Army group then going into Bitterman’s Bank going through a web of lasers three times while ragtime piano plays in the background.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): It looks like Bitterman’s plans are down the drain as Fozzie hands Bitterman a big old sack of cash but when Bitterman discovers that the money is not in there and he handed her a bag of Laundry, Fozzie wonders how in all that chaos how he could’ve lost the cash. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed he pulls Kermit away from the Party just to deliver the bad news. With desperation on him Kermit asks for a little more time and Bitterman tells Kermit it’s too late and she has foreclosed on the theater which leads to where Kermit is now and Daniel’s Boss to charge Daniel to help Kermit. Kermit meanwhile comes to a conclusion even I wouldn’t go to. (Cut to Kermit shouting “I Wish I’ve never been born!” in various ways intercut with James and Rachel trying not to have him do that and then cut to Daniel taking Kermit to a galaxy far, far away before cutting to a confused James & Rachel before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after that brief trip to a galaxy far, far away. Kermit and Daniel wind up in a world without Muppets or Kermit. Bitterman turned the Park into a Mall, Gonzo is with a performing brick, Rizzo is eaten alive on Fear Factor, “The Electric Mayhem” well…. (Show clip of “The Electric Mayhem” as a River dancing troupe before cutting to James and Rachel with shock on their faces.)

TLOTA & Rachel (In unison): Yowza! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s not even the worst of it as Doc Hopper’s Frog Legs Fast Food franchise took off like a rocket and The Muppet Theater is now Club Dot! (Cut to James & Rachel physically)

TLOTA: But what would I be without the Muppets in my life?

Rachel: Do you want to know?

TLOTA: A Part of me is saying No and the rest of me is saying I don’t want to know but I’m gonna go because I think I’d like to know.

Rachel: Very well then, take my hand as we see what your life would be with “The Muppets” in it. (James grabs her hand as she snaps her fingers and the two blink out of there and to a green screened background of a Sullivan County New York that is a dystopian version of Sullivan County.)

TLOTA: Okay, this cannot be good.

Rachel: Something tells me I made one very big boo-boo! (An alarm klaxon is heard as everyone looks at the gigantic big screen as James and the Rest of Team “The Last Of The Americans” are dressed in white robes and speaking in monotone with smiles on their faces.)

(A)James Faraci: It is now Curfew time

(A)John Santos: If you are traveling, your loved ones will be notified of your coming.

(A)Mike Santos: If you are drunk or not of good health you will be taken care of.

(A)Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun (In unison): For any stragglers, you shall be dealt with.

(A)Eric Kurtzke: Remember we do this because we care.

(A)Renee Miller: We care because we must.

(A)Traci Hines: We do what we do now because we care.

(A)Eliza Dushku: We release the death blasters because we care.

(A)Team “TLOTA”: Have a nice life! (The Big Screen shuts off as James stands their slack jawed and bug eyed as a Death Blaster comes face to face with James & Rachel)

Death Blaster: You are out past cur few and you with the red & green hair are guilty of im per son ating our o ver lord! You have un till the count of three be fore you are EX TERM IN ATED!

TLOTA: WE’RE GETTING OUT OF HERE! (James fumbles around in his pocket.)

Death Blaster: ONE!

Rachel: Hurry up, I heard about this one guardian angel that went rouge and tried to kill his charge and next thing we all discovered guardian angels can die and wind up in a limbo!

Death Blaster: TWO! (James fumbles around until he finds the quick cut to a commercial break device)


Death Blaster: THREE! (James hits the button taking the review to a commercial break which ends with James sitting there angered tapping his fingers as Rachel sits next to him in fear in James’ office quarters and back in the real world.)

Rachel: Look James I… (James raises his hand to signify to Rachel to stop talking)

TLOTA: I’ve been trying not to be snarky and cynical because it is the Holiday season but nearly being blasted into smithereens doesn’t exactly bode well for you. But since this is the Holiday season I apologize for being angry at you.

Rachel: Well I put the idea into your head so that didn’t help. Why don’t we forget that and get back to the review?

TLOTA: Actually, that’s not a bad idea. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So checking out Club Dot which would’ve been the Muppet Theatre in our universe we discover what happened to what a LOT of the regulars that would’ve been the Muppets including Statler & Waldorf and Hoooooo Boy!

Rachel (Voiceover): What? What is it?

TLOTA (Voiceover): Words escape me when I see this! (Cut to Scooter Go-go dancing in a cage before cutting to James and Rachel with their heads tilted and slack jawed before cutting back to seeing Scooter Go-go Dancing for five seconds before cutting to James & Rachel.)

TLOTA: I’ve got nothing. Rachel?

Rachel: I…. (Sighs) Same here. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So while you try and I do mean try to get that image out of your head. Kermit tries to go after Bitterman for her dishonest way to run a bar and trust me if Kermit brought Jon Taffer along even he would leave. But unlike Taffer, Kermit got thrown out the back door by… (Show a Muscular Beeker meeping and closing the door as it cuts to James & Rachel)

TLOTA: Well, I guess the rumors are true.

Rachel: What rumors? (James flips his hand towards the screen as it cuts to a clip of Sheamus from WWE and Beeker meeting and talking about a Family Reunion from the 2011 Halloween Episode of WWE RAW before cutting to James and Rachel)

Rachel: They’re related? How ‘bout that? Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After being pickpocketed by Fozzie which is incredible because Kermit doesn’t even have pockets, he catches up with Miss Piggy who has become a cat lady and a fake Jamaican Psychic. But somethings never change even in alternate realities! (Cut to Kermit getting Karate Chopped through the door and through the movie to flying through to James’ office quarters stopping to speak to James and Rachel)

Kermit The Frog: Hi-Ho James, Hi-Ho Rachel.

TLOTA & Rachel (In Unison): Hi Kermit.

Kermit The Frog: Like the new series we’re doing?

Rachel: I absolutely love it!

TLOTA: A Complete Laugh Riot.

Kermit The Frog: Oh Good. (Kermit screams and continues to fly away before cutting to The Rowdy Reviewer and Kermit flying by Rowdy and stopping long enough to chat to Rowdy.)

Kermit The Frog: Hi-Ho Rowdy!

Rowdy: KERMIT!

Kermit The Frog: Before I forget, great job on that Tribute you did on Muppet Wish Day.

Rowdy: Thanks Kermit. Tell the rest of the gang I said Hi!

Kermit The Frog: I will! Bye! (Kermit screams and continues to fly away before cutting to Linkara and Kermit flying by Linkara and Kermit stopping long enough to chat to Linkara.)

Kermit The Frog: Hi-Ho Linkara!

Linkara (Doing a Tommy Wiseau impression): Oh Hai Kermit!

Kermit The Frog: Any plans on reviewing any of our Comic Adaptations?

Linkara: We’ll see.

Kermit The Frog: Could you do so for Muppet Wish Day?

Linkara: Maybe

Kermit The Frog: Okay, gotta go. Bye Linkara! (Kermit screams and continues to fly away before cutting to The Nostalgia Critic and Kermit flying by The Nostalgia Critic and Kermit stopping long enough to chat to The Nostalgia Critic.)

Kermit The Frog: Hi-Ho Nostalgia Critic!

Nostalgia Critic: Hey Kermit, how’s it going?

Kermit The Frog: Same old Same old, just got Karate Chopped by Piggy! Hey Listen do you think there’s any chance you’re gonna do any new special event movie type things?

Nostalgia Critic: It’s Possible.

Kermit The Frog: That’s great, listen I’ve got to get going.

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, See you later. (Kermit screams and continues to fly away before landing back into the movie and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Eventually Kermit has had enough and after being Karate Chopped like that wouldn’t you? He tries to get Daniel to bring him back to his world but sadly Daniel leaves him. All the while, Gonzo is heard playing a song I think Sean Penn Wrote but Kermit comes up with something better and more uplifting. And in doing so allows Kermit to remind himself as to what he does best and why he does it and in that moment Daniel returns to unfortunately tell Kermit that he’s stuck there. He handles it well. (Show clip of Kermit screaming about how foolish he was to say how he wishes he was never born.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At that moment Daniel’s Boss tells him how to return to our world. A World with the Muppets and the theater. He returns feeling better and makes amends to everyone and even kisses Miss Piggy right on the lips. (Cut to James and Rachel physically as James lowers his head and sighs and just shakes his head in sadness.)

Rachel: Still not over their break up?

TLOTA: Let’s say it adds to the dark cloud that is my Romantic Love Life and seems to have continual possibilities to expand without a silver lining to stop it from growing.

Rachel: Don’t worry, you and your friend Chris will meet those you will be with the rest of your lives.

TLOTA: Wait, What?

Rachel: Spoilers (TLOTA Sighs before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as Kermit reassures the rest of our Muppet Friends that even though they lost the theater, they’re still together when Bitterman tries to rub into their faces about what she plans on doing to the theater when Pepe comes in with having filed the right papers that saves the theater by turning it into a historical landmark and Bitterman winds up getting nothing, The Muppets celebrate by joining a group of Carolers oh and the money Fozzie lost wound up with the Salvation Army and Daniel gets told by his Boss that all Kermit needed was a reminder of what he does matter and Daniel’s Boss tells Daniel that things happen Daniel’s Boss’s way for a reason and the movie ends with The Muppets singing the song he sang in the alternate universe but the question I have about that is How do The Muppets of this universe know the lyrics and how to sing the song? (Cut to James & Rachel physically)

TLOTA: And you know something? That’s a minor hiccup in a Holiday Muppets Movie that wasn’t as bad as many people think it is. So maybe that’s why I’m kind of lenient towards this thing. Because it is The Muppets and I can forgive them no matter what they do, even being in this. (Cut to Clips of the Movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I feel like my friend The Rowdy Reviewer when he reviewed “High School Musical”, I can’t hate this thing. The story while is a rehashing of “It’s A Wonderful Life” was handled with respect for what was done already. The Acting from the human actors is really good especially in this movie and as usual The Muppets do the voodoo they’re known for and everything else shows something that few things at this point in time when it came to projects with The Muppets were lacking. (Cut to James & Rachel physically)

Rachel: What are you talking about? What was missing with projects with the Muppets?

TLOTA: Well before you came in here I was trying to tell my audience that while “Muppets From Space” which I defended lacked a lot of effort. There was some effort in having The Muppets in a good parody of bad family films but the effort was so non-existent but here, it’s shown. It’s shown in how well they pay homage to The Frank Capra classic and how everyone did their best even if it wasn’t appreciated by everyone. I appreciate it. I also appreciate the effort done by everyone who puts up with me. (James stands up and grabs Rachel by her hand and carries her along as the camera follows the two of them.)

TLOTA: Because it does take effort to work with me, I mean yeah my life isn’t where I want it to be but I still have hope that eventually it’ll get better and they put up with me dressing them up in silly costumes and them doing silly things but I am thankful for everyone including Paulo Fonseca and his sister Rebecca Yaun, I’m thankful to John and Mike Santos, I’m thankful for Renee Miller and Eric Neil Kurtzke for putting up with my silliness and I give all the praise and thanks I can to both Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines who put up with my stupidity month in, month out. (Jingling bells are heard as James continues to praise everyone on “Team TLOTA” and Rachel says “Uh James” as everyone begins to see Rachel and start to be shocked before cutting to the front door to see everyone in “The Reviewerverse”, CInemassacre & Channel Awesome arrive and they see Rachel as well.) And its guys like my best friend and blood brother The Rowdy Reviewer himself Chris Lee Moore who gave me a break and helped me out in ways I can never repay.

Rowdy: Uh James are you seeing this?

TLOTA: Then there are guys like James “Jamietud” Sullivan, Alex DeCourville, Eli Stone The Cartoon Hero, Gus Webb, Stevie Swiggart every one of my fellow reviewers in the Reviewerverse because it’s their effort and their hard work that humbles me when their reviews of things I’ve reviewed are better than something I did or knowing they were showing a light on something I was trying to, these guys are incredible. (Cut to Rachel contorting as her heavenly white robe gets a little puffier and Rachel Squeeing in pain as it gets puffier.)

Rachel: Okay that hurt the daylights out of me (Cut to James continuing to ramble on)

TLOTA: And had these two The Angry Video Game Nerd & The Nostalgia Critic not been entertaining, I wouldn’t have been inspired to do this and had I not seen them, I wouldn’t have known and met guys like Linkara, Angry Joe, Spoony, Film Brain, Todd In The Shadows, E-Rod, Nash, Paw, The Maven Of The Eventide and so many others that eventually led me to everyone else and I am forever grateful to the Family & Friends who help this schmuck from Sullivan county and…

Everyone else: JAMES!

TLOTA: What?

Everyone else: LOOK! (James turns around to see Rachel in a backless white dress and a pair of five feet wide wings.

Rachel: My wings! James, your rambling on how these people and the effort and the inspiration they gave you, got me my wings! This is amazing! I had a feeling that you would be able to do this for me, I can go back to my boss and let the boss know that you’ll be okay. I mean yeah you’ll have your ups & downs but you’ll get through them with humor, strength and your usual voodoo that you do so well and I am thankful to you for doing so. (Rachel surprise kisses James on the lips as everyone just stands there looking in shock and dull surprise before cutting to Rachel letting James out of their kiss.)

Rachel: Your 2016 is gonna be awesome. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to hit the open sky. But I’ll be watching and to those with potty mouths and fowl humor, I may put in a few good words with the boss. (Rachel phases through the roof as the camera follows her before cutting to everyone running outside of James’ office looking as a speeding beam of light screaming “WOO-HOO!” is seen before cutting to everyone looking up.)

Rowdy: You know something, your parties are freaking crazy

TLOTA:  You guys head inside and I’ll be in to enjoy it after I get my Fez.

Everyone else: Right (Everyone else walks in before cutting to James grabbing his Fez out of his car.)

TLOTA: Well, here’s hoping 2016 is gonna be better. Happy Holidays and as always I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion.