James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Average Guy in "The Modern Guide to Modern Dating"

(Music in the same vein of Donald Duck's opening theme plays in the background James singing throughout the intro "Who has the Average disposition? One guy that's who. Who never puts in his two cents? Who knows that his world makes sense? Who always lives a normal life? Who always seems to never know what's right? Who tells it true in front of a lie? No one! But The Average Guy!" as "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans Presents:" is seen then cuts to a picture of James Faraci with a simple smile on James' face and the words "The Average Guy" is below and cuts to the title card of "The Modern Guide to Modern Dating" then cutting to animation with The Narrator played by Chris Lee Moore doing a voice over)

The Narrator (Voice over): Since the dawn of time immemorial man has wanted to mate with females. In the beginning it was easy for cavemen to look at a mate and clubbing was the only way to go, LITERALLY! But times have changed and since then women have gotten smarter and men have become... (The animated Female clubs the guy) Well suffice to say men have been getting the short end of the stick for centuries! (Animation fades as it cuts to live action where The Average Guy is sitting on his couch feeling sorry for himself eating a box of Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereal while downing a bottle of Ginger Ale while The Narrator continues to do a voice over.)

The Narrator (Voice over): Take for example this poor Average Guy! (The Average Guy Spit takes out his Ginger Ale and the Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereals fly)

The Average Guy: WHAT THE HELL?! Where are you and why are you talking to me?

The Narrator (Off screen): I am The Narrator and I'm going to help you get a date.

The Average Guy: Against my will I suppose.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well I want to show that a guy like you can get a girl like (Show a picture of Lea Michele as The Narrator says her before The Average Guy pushes the picture off screen to the right.)

The Average Guy: Yeah right in my dreams maybe. Attractive people attract Attractive people while Average Guys like me get restraining orders, tazered and hit with mace and pepper spray.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well you can try. Let's start off with the way you approach your attire.

The Average Guy: What's wrong with how I dress?

The Narrator (Off screen): Nothing if you want to portray yourself as a bum!

The Average Guy: HEY!

The Narrator (Off screen): No offense but I took a look inside your closet and HO Boy are you in trouble but let's see if we can get you ready for a night out of speed dating.

The Average Guy: Speed dating? Just throw me into the deep end of the pool infested with sharks why don't ya?

The Narrator (Off screen): Just let's see what you would wear. (Cut to The Average Guy inside the closet)

The Average Guy: HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE?!

The Narrator (Off screen): A Jump cut but enough of all that show me your finest suit. (The Average Guy dresses up into his finest suit.) Wow, you look too professional. Let's eighty six the tie. (Tie blinks off and The Average Guy jumps in surprise.)

The Average Guy: The tie held the suit together.

The Narrator (Off screen): We need you to look your best but not to look like your going to a job interview. (Cut to inside a hotel dining area that's hosting a Speed Dating event where The Average Guy is sitting at a table.) Now when being approached by someone on this event keep you eyes and your expectations open.

The Average Guy: Would you give me a moment's notice before you jump cut me into someplace I'm not ready for?!

The Narrator (Off screen): No! Now when speed dating there is an X amount of time to deal with a variable amount of women. (A female played by Marita Holm from ChiqueGeeks walks towards the table of The Average Guy.) It is important that you stand up and extend your hand to shake her hand and pull out the chair and introduce yourself with subtlety.

The female: My friends call me Mary.

The Average Guy: Well better having your friends call you Mary than...(Cut to The Average Guy slamming the door to his apartment as he comes back looking like Hell and looking up and around.) THANKS JACKASS! I really needed to get comments like "He'll never look like Leonardo DiCaprio not even with enough Plastic Surgery to make Michael Jackson look normal!" or "Not enough booze on the planet to even give him a chance!" And this one I love "DOUSE ME IN NAPALM!"

The Narrator (Off screen): Well let's see where you went wrong. (Rewinds footage to analyze what went wrong.)

The Narrator (Voice over): Let's start with the fact you started off with a VERY inappropriate joke. (Show clip of The Average guy making a bad joke.) That sent the vibe that you were thrown into a bad situation and everyone there made sure to treat you like you were less than how you wanted to be perceived.

The Average Guy (Voice over): Well excuse me for making a joke about myself besides you threw me into this situation.

The Narrator (Voice over): Well you should've asked what drink SHE would've liked instead of one you would've liked and paid.

The Average Guy (Voice over): I'm sorry Alcohol and I don't mix besides I paid for the drinks.

The Narrator (Voice over): Well that led to no one changing their vibes on you. Besides your eating manners weren't Emily Post!

The Average Guy (Voice over): Give me a break! (Cut to The Average Guy in his apartment.)

The Narrator (Off screen): No way besides we're going to try hitting the Bar scene.

The Average Guy: NO WAY! I'm going to stay right here and Stew over everything that went wrong...(Cut to The Average Guy taking a stool in the bar) And there is no way you can make me... (Looks around to see that he's at a bar.) OH SON OF A...

The Narrator (Off screen): The Bar scene should be at least for every one guy there should be at least four women so you're sure to at least have a 25 % of finding a date.

The Average Guy: But a 75% chance of failure.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well it doesn't hurt to try, so go to it. (The Average Guy puts his drink down and begins to speak before the scene cuts to The Average Guy slamming the door to his apartment as he comes back looking like Hell AGAIN and looking up and around.)

The Average Guy: I really hope your next place has good access to easy medical care because I learned my lesson if I have a 25% of finding a date, I have a 100% chance of getting my ass tazered, Maced & Pepper sprayed and threatened with either restraining orders or death! I'm going to check my e-mail and forget this whole thing ever happened. (The Average Guy takes off his now TWICE wrecked suit and gets back into his average clothes to check his e-mail)

The Narrator (Off screen): You can't give up!

The Average Guy: WATCH ME! Hmm, that's odd an E-Mail from a girl.

The Narrator (Off screen): Are you sure? You know the internet has a good policy on fake people.

The Average Guy: That's true but it's worth a shot.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well if you're going to try...(Singsong): and I think it's a mistake! (Normal): I suggest you set everything up.

The Average Guy: That's what I was going to do! In fact, I'm going to need some advice.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well, I'll call the cops while you make a homemade meal.

The Average Guy: You want me to bring my date here?

The Narrator (Off screen): Well (Cut to see a clean apartment) How about now?

The Average Guy: Nice. Okay let's get going. (Cut to a few hours later as there is a knock on the door.)

The Narrator (Off screen): Now when approaching the situation. You must remain calm and collected, remember she is in your territory, everything you do no matter how insignificant will ultimately reflect on...

The Average Guy: OKAY I GET IT! (The Average Guy opens the door to discover a good looking woman played by Rebecca Fonseca)

The Narrator (Off screen): HELLO! (The Narrator runs ON Screen)

The Narrator: Why should you stay here? I've got the ability to Jump cut us to Paris. What do you say? (The Good looking woman looks at her options and looks at The Narrator)

The Good Looking Woman: I say to you (Pointing to The Average Guy and The Average Guy points to himself with an inquisitive look on his face before cutting back to The Good Looking Woman) Au Revoir! And to you (Pointing The Narrator and The Narrator points to himself with an inquisitive look on his face before cutting back to The Good Looking Woman) You and me off to Gaye Paris, Allons-Y!

(The Narrator walks off screen and the two jump cut out. The Average Guy sighs and looks down and sighs and nods to himself as a woman says off-screen "Excuse me" before cutting to see the woman at the door played by Lea Michele at The Average Guy's apartment door.)

The Woman at the door: I overheard a lot of what was going on and I thought maybe if you had gone through so much maybe I could join you for your meal?

(The Average Guy look at himself as to say "Even I'm not that stupid to say no to a woman who is WILLING to at least talk to me.)

The Average Guy: Come on in.

The Narrator (Off Screen): Well sometimes it just comes down to plain old luck.

The Average Guy: SHUT UP! Next time I find you on screen, I'm kicking your ass!

The Woman at the door (Off screen): Who are you talking to?

The Average Guy: No one just myself.

The Woman at the door (Off screen): And you are?

The Average Guy: I'm The Average Guy and that's who I am.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

In Defense of Michael Bay's "Armageddon"

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Affleck & The "Mallrats"

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run and the words Ben to the Ben to the Ben AFFLECK is heard in the background. At the 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators Ben to the Ben is repeated while the image shows Ben Affleck’s face on James Faraci’s body morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with a Black Tee-Shirt with Ben Affleck’s face from “Pearl Harbor” on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher and Ben Affleck’s face in “Daredevil” is on the coin, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers with Ben Affleck’s faces showing Different emotions from different films, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views (Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen) I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The (Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen and James gets slightly angry and says quickly I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours as Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen and James gets up walks off to the right comes back holding 12 gauge semi-auto shotgun and fires three shots and an eight bit duck from “Duck Hunt” falls from the sky and the dog & duck from “Duck Hunt” comes up only for James to shoot the dog with a load of bird shot to the back of the dog’s head.) I guess I know who I’m going to be talking about for the next three months. (Cut to pics and clips of Ben Affleck while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): Because what can be said that hasn’t been said about Ben Affleck. He became a Paparazzi magnet and a double Academy Award winner. He can flourish in movies and can write, direct & act in them and he’s been in so many clunkers it’s a surprise Hollywood hasn’t sent him back to Boston to flip Whoppers at Burger King. He’s beloved and hated by so many and me personally, I’ve got nothing against him but since the advent of the internet a certain motif in his method of acting and I think I’ve got it down to the following: 5% saying his lines with snark and a smile, 5% trying to be charming 20% screaming like Shia LaBeouf when he has a bad day, 30% talking with his jaw jutted down and a whopping 40% being so close to his teeth you feel he’s more likely to eat you with a side of the scenery. But despite that there is nothing like a Ben Affleck performance to make people smile. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: And where do some people start their taste for Affleck? Why with his first movie that became a cult classic, I am a course talking about “Mallrats” (Show “Mallrats” opening credit and clips of “Mallrats” while “Build Me Up, Buttercup” by “The Goops” play in the background and James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice Over): This was Kevin Smith’s second movie and to be honest it shows. The humor is honest, the dialogue is how and what people talked about at that time and it tried to recapture the energy of “Clerks” and be more of an expansion of what has been known as The “View Askewniverse”. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: What’s the “View Askewniverse” you may ask? To summarize it simply it’s a universe in which writer & director Kevin Smith and his characters and in all of them Brian O’Halloran playing a character with the last name of Hicks try to live a normal life while the world around gives them unbelievable situations like rooftop hockey or knocking over a corpse at a wake or something as extreme as stopping two angels who have been here since the end of the ten plagues of Egypt getting to a rededicated church which used the Plenary Indulgence loophole to negate all existence to having the only two characters which has been in the entire “View Askewniverse” going to Hollywood to stop a movie about them getting made while hitching a ride with four gorgeous international jewel thieves. (Cut to clip of Shannon Elizabeth saying “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Before cutting back to James physically)

TLOTA: Well allow me to give you clarity as to at least a snippet of what that universe entails. Let’s take a look at “Mallrats”. (Cut to opening of the movie while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So our movie begins with scenes of the Mall while we hear Jason Lee narrate.

Brodie (Voice over): One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass! True Story! He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): He was so weird I had to legally change my name and move to California someplace small called Camden County it was there I learned about Karma.(James shakes his head and then goes back to speaking normally.) Okay I’m going to need this! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): We then meet T.S. Quint played by Jeremy London and Brandi played by Claire Forlani. T.S. has plans to take Brandi to Florida and propose marriage but her father played by “The Walking Dead” Michael Rooker has asked her to call it quits to T.S. so she can appear on her father’s cheap knock off LAME version of “The Dating Game” because the girl who died in “Clerks”, Julie Dwyer died here as well. Meanwhile Brodie played by Jason Lee and his girlfriend Rene played by Shannon Doherty calls it quits as well when Brodie decides to enjoy his Sega Hockey game over his girlfriend but to be honest if my girlfriend was Shannon Doherty I would rather play with a Sega Genesis than be anywhere near her. Not long after the two dumped schmucks get together to trade Girlfriend breaking up with them stories and decide what to do next.

Brodie: There is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss.

T.S.: Ritual Suicide?

Brodie: No you idiot, The Fucking Mall! (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Besides it’s on my list to help a friend out after breaking up with his girlfriend. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And faster than you can say Snoogans! Brodie & T.S. are at the mall where they meet up with of course Affleck! He plays Shannon Hamilton who judging by how he dresses works at one of those high end men’s clothing shop and acts like it as he is a prick to both T.S. & Brodie! But soon enough Brodie has more important things on his mind like a piece of Metal Staging for Brandi’s dad’s game show and where do they get the information from? By Ethan Suplee whose gag in this picture is to look into a magic eye in order to see a sailboat which throughout the runtime of this picture never does but everyone else around him does.

Willam: I’ve been staring at this thing for a week now from opening till closing and I can’t see a god damn thing and I’m not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about.(Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Well Randy don’t stay here too long we might need you to save our backsides as you usually have done so. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): After that our intrepid heroes find “View Askew” mainstays Jay played by Jason Mewes & Silent Bob played by the man behind the whole “View Askewniverse” himself Kevin Smith and task the duo to take down the stage any way they can if they can get past LaFours the head of the Security in the Mall. But if it was Paul Blart you can bet your last nickel Jay & Silent Bob would’ve DEMOLISHED it with Paul’s unintentional help. (Cut to James Faraci dressed as Silent Bob, Rebecca Fonseca as Jay behind a green screened pic of a mall)

Jay (Played by Rebecca Fonseca): YO SILENT BOB HURRY YOUR FAT ASS UP! THAT DUMB FUCK MALL COP IS ON OUR ASS! (Cut to see Silent Bob played by James Faraci running past Jay played by Rebecca Fonseca as Jay runs off screen and Paul Blart played by Paulo Fonseca is right behind them.)

Paul Blart (Wheezing and groaning played by Paulo Fonseca): Come back you two hoodlums! (Paul runs off screen and we hear a loud series of bangs and crashes.)

Jay (Off Screen played by Rebecca Fonseca): Dude the Fucker did our job for us! Snoochie Bootchies! (Earl Hickey played by James Faraci walks on screen)

Earl Hickey (played by James Faraci): After Jay & Bob demolished the set with Paul’s help it was smooth sailing for T.S. & Brandi (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Not really Jay & Silent Bob have to demolish it while this intelligent Nympho who is fifteen named Tricia needs Silent Bob for research on a book she’s working on. But somewhere along the lines Brodie discovers that one of his Idols Stan “The Man” Lee is at the mall for a signing but not after some good commentary about what my generation was like we discover that Brodie’s Ex is at the mall as well (Cut to see Brodie being his usual self and Rene giving him an earful before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Hmm, must’ve gotten an A in the “How to chew me out after a breakup” course which was being taught by my ex-wife Joy! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that Jay & Silent Bob’s first attempt to knock down the stage is thwarted when a kid slides Silent Bob straight into Joey Lauren Adams in a dressing room. But not long after that Brodie & T.S. hear that Stan “The Man” Lee is in town at the Mall for a session to be with his fans. But Brodie has more on his mind than that as he discovers that not long after being dumped, Rene hooks up with Shannon. Not long after that Jay & Silent Bob’s second attempt to take down the game show is thwarted by physics. But after that Brodie decides to go on the attack as he sneaks onto an elevator which Rene is on. The two argue a bit before the two have break up in-bed tango in the elevator. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And after seeing my friend, blood brother & compatriot doing it in a bathtub with a crazy woman last month that’s not as crazy as elevator in bed tango. Why is that? I’ll figure that out while we go to break.

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that Shannon find Brodie and guess what happens? Shannon drops Brodie like a bad habit. (Show clip of Shannon Hamilton beating up Brodie and getting really close to his face trying to intimidate and threatening him before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): I knew if I were to hit back it’d get me into more trouble and besides I knew the power of Karma would come and bite him hard. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): After that Jay & Silent Bob nix the idea of taking down the stage but T.S. takes some initiative and confront Brandi’s dad when Brodie drops by and the two are immediately taken away from the mall on Brandi’s Dad’s orders.

Brodie: RENE! GET JAY & SILENT BOB PLEASE! HURRY! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): And if you can’t get either of them see if you can get either Randy, Catalina, Joy, one of the kids or Crab man! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And you can tell it’s bad when LaFours has a bag of weed probably bought by (Show clip of LaFours smiling when a clank is heard)

Jay: COME SON OF JOR-EL KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! Snoochie Bootchies (Laughs in a hysterical high pitch)

TLOTA (Voice over): Having been run out it looks like T.S. & Brodie are stuck hiding at a dirt mall and feeling like they’re not going to win and what is T.S. going to do? What he’s done in the majority of the movie complain and cry “Why Me?” that is until they see a topless fortune teller played by Priscilla Barnes. (Show image of “Three’s Company” with John Ritter, Joyce DeWitt & Priscilla Barnes from the Final season and James says “Yes! That Priscilla Barnes” before going back to the movie with James doing a voice over) after getting the advice he needed T.S. goes back to win Brandi’s heart, stop Brandi’s dad from getting the win and at the same time get Brodie to get his head out of his ass and see if Brodie can get Rene back and with Jay & Silent Bob two of the contestants except for the character Gill Hicks played by Brian O’Halloran. Seriously Brian O’Halloran characters in the View Askewniverse has the last name of Hicks what’s up with that? Meanwhile Brodie gets to meet Stan Lee and actually uses the characters he inspired to make Brodie realize what he needs isn’t the Comic Books and Sega, its Rene and now armed with inspiration Brodie joins T.S. in helping him win Brandi while embarrassing Shannon Hamilton as he tries to win Rene back with a video Tricia made involving research for the book. Don’t ask me how that works but it is Showtime as the show goes on and T.S. goes on the attack. (Show clip of the game going from questions being asked to T.S. & Brandi blasting each other before Brodie says what T.S. has been doing all day.)

TLOTA (Voice over): With T.S. & Brandi back together we look at Ethan trying to see the Sailboat everyone else has when the capper comes from one person.

Stan Lee: Oh a sailboat. (Willam roars before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Well at least he took it better than he did when found out Santa was imaginary.(Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change and looks at the jar.)

TLOTA: Hey guys, is this the same jar as the one as I started off with? (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca at the door way into James’ office.)

Paulo: Actually you went past that one a few “My Name Is Earl” Jokes ago, that’s the fifth one! (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: The Fifth one?! (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca at the door way into James’ office.)

Rebecca: Yep and Thanks to you and your jokes I can afford a wonderful Honeymoon with Nick and have enough to buy a house in an auction.

Paulo: And there’s enough here for a donation to “The Joyful Heart Foundation” (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: Oh…Well I hope Jason Lee will make an equal donation. (Cut to the movie and James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): Speaking of Jason Lee’s character. He calls out Rene to let her know he still loves her and Shannon looks to put him into a hole in the ground when…(Show clip of Silent Bob trying to use the force to grab the tape and Willam crying when is he going to see the sailboat and the video gets to Silent Bob’s hand and the video is shown of Shannon and Tricia doing the In-Bed Tango cut to a clip of the eleventh doctor going “YOWZA” before cutting back to the movie)

Jay: Goddamn this is one WACKY game show. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: You ain’t whistling “Dixie” on that one. (Cut to the ending of the movie as James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So with Shannon being dragged away by the cops for raping a minor and trust me if Sgt. Benson and the crew from the SVU were around they would’ve crucified the guy. (Cut to ending showing what had happened to everyone in the movie before using that same type of text used in the ending of “Mallrats” and music “Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images of everyone is seen to show what was going to happen to everyone with “Jason Lee and Paulo Fonseca donated $4,000.00 to “The Joyful Heart Foundation.”, “Rebecca got that nice house.”, “Rowdy decided to eventually watch “CLERKS: The Animated series” and found material for a great review” with Rowdy looking at the Camera and saying Thanks, “James found the movie an amazing representation of what the early 1990’s were like.” Then clips from “Mallrats” play as the following sentences are seen underneath “James is dead serious about this.” “Were it not for this and Clerks James may have been blissfully ignorant of Independent movies and Kevin Smith and of course Ben Affleck” “If you’re a part of James’ generation you’ll get nostalgic and remember what it was like for you and hopefully make sense of where you once were” before cutting back to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and our trip through Affleck has just begun. What’s next? (James looks at clipboard, puts it down and bangs his head on the table and precedes to cry.)

Friday, December 26, 2014

Top ten moments everyone liked in 2014 about "The Last Of The Americans"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the word editorial on it then cutting to The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours (Sighs) 2014 can BURN IN HELL! But I had some great moments and in order to be objective. (Pulls out Megaforce Morpher and pulls out the card of "The Last Of The Americans" made by Stevie Swigart and reverts to being James Faraci)

James Faraci: I have decided to step out of character. Take five moments I liked and five moments YOU liked from "The Last Of The Americans" and compile the top ten moments everyone liked in 2014 about "The Last Of The Americans"

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then above the words "The Top ten moments" and underneath "The Last Of The Americans" is "Of 2014" then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number ten

10) The Crossover with myself in the "Spider-Man 3" review

James Faraci (Voice over): While it may have been seen as Meta to do a crossover with yourself. I found it exciting to see if both halves of me could agree on the same subject and I found a lot of the interactions between both halves interesting especially when it came to the casting of Topher Grace as Eddie Brock and the dance scene in Spider-Man 3 and this was a big moment in my storyline because I knew I needed a strong ending. An ending that needed to evolve and give "The Last Of The Americans" a look that even though you couldn't see him I wanted to give him a style that can be simple but be recreated by anyone. A Black Tee Shirt with the American Flag on it, A Pair of Blue Jeans and a pair of Tan Construction Boots. A nice moment if I do say so myself.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number nine

9) The Squeakquel Study

James Faraci (Voice over): I had a conversation with Chris Lee Moore: The Rowdy Reviewer about which review I was going to do next and I said that one idea I had was "Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel" and Chris said "There is no way I can top what Mathew "Film Brain" Buck & Todd In The Shadows did." That I did agree but what made this review was instead of making the subject funny. I wanted to make the supposed Behind The Scenes chaos of what might have went on to make the squeakquel with the writing and I loved the fact that Fard Muhammad was willing to let me use the character of LeBron from "Dragonbored" as the boss of the four writers. I'm sure he liked it plus I was able to cross intersect three storylines. Two with the "Rowdy Lost" & "Dark Rowdy" storylines from my friend, compatriot & Blood brother Chris Lee Moore: The Rowdy Reviewer & my storyline involving "The Wicked"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number eight

8) The "In Defense Of..." Editorials

James Faraci (Voice over): I got sick & tired of people ragging on things that I liked or somewhere someone else liked or thought might be a good idea. For example I knew going into the "In Defense of...The Eighth Doctor" I was going to get Whovian hate and slams for saying what I said about The Eighth Doctor but when I said what I said I decided to try to be as objective as I could in my defense of "The Eighth Doctor" I knew that River Song said "Rule One: The Doctor Lies" but I liked giving that in pop culture what had been maligned a second chance.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number Seven

7) The "Happy Madison" Poop joke from the "Anger Management" review

James Faraci (Voice over): While I give the Nostalgia Critic props for making a good way to deal with the idiot fringe that is the "Happy Madison" audience, I felt he pulled the trigger a little too early. When I decided to review "Anger Management" I knew I had to time it better, set it up for a coup de grace that had some depth and personal stake in it. So I included my sister's fiancée Adam as a part of that idiot fringe to actually rescue. (Cut to James physically)

James Faraci: And as of this post he's been employed for nearly a month. Way to go dude! Plus I loved this line I gave Rowdy when the crowd came. (Cut to clip of Rowdy shouting "STAMPEDE! Oy!" and James doing a voice over the rest of the moment.)

James Faraci (Voice over): That came from one of the best lines Daniel Stern had in "City Slickers 2: The Legend Of Curly's Gold" and of course the payoff was amazing. (Show clip of TLOTA & Rowdy finishing off the "Happy Madison" audience.) Best poop joke I made.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number six

6) The Halloween tips sketch

James Faraci: What was fun about the sketch was who I was able to get. Starting with Asalieri. Last year around October I had an in character reaction to his thoughts on my friend, compatriot & blood brother The Rowdy Reviewer. My reaction was to reprogram his television to show nothing but nonstop reruns of "The Room" & Allen Gregory and had his portable music player reprogramed to play music that'd make the devil himself go bonkers for banana balls and I felt the only way to make things square between me and him was for him to attack me and then come to a mutual truce. Then there was Moarte, I knew I had to put him in because he became a part of my Halloween ritual of Internet Halloween binges and so having him was a no brainer. But the funniest one was former WWE superstar "The Boogeyman" and just check it out. (Show clip of "The Boogeyman" creeping "The Last Of The Americans" out of his mind.) Comedic gold.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number five

5) The introduction of Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca in the "Top 13 Vampire films better than "The Twilight Saga" countdown"

James Faraci (Voice over): Consider these two as the Rachel/Tamara & Malcolm to my Nostalgia Critic. I wanted to put more characters in my character's universe and not rely on actors from "GLEE" as characters in my character's universe so putting in my old friends just seemed like a good idea. One aspect I wanted to play with at least one of the two not knowing anything about the reviewerverse and Rebecca just felt like a good choice and the fact that they fit in with my character like a glove was another good choice.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number Four

4) The "Spider-Man 2" Nuclear Explosion

James Faraci (Voice over): If anyone has seen The Nostalgia Critic's review of "Quest for Camelot" in which the Critic got so mad at the lack of explanation that he went Nuclear got this reference but this was also my reaction when I saw "Spider-Man 2" in the theaters, on DVD and when doing this for a review I knew what reaction I wanted to have. Something so powerful that it had to shake the foundations to it's core plus I used a clip even the Nostalgia Critic didn't think of. Back To The Future Part III when the green log blows while Doc & Marty are just jerked a little Clara does the Daffy Duck Woo-hoo and is nearly sent flying. Just a perfect reaction for a terrible ending to one of the worst Comic Book movies I've ever seen.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number three

3) The "Fishtales" review.

This movie just broke me the first time I saw it. Yet like "The Room" or "Foodfight" there was something that was yelling this movie had to be SEEN to be BELIEVED! Plus I wanted someone from the Mermaid community to get the message about this movie because there was a mermaid as the romantic interest. THANK Goodness for Trina Christine Mason and thank goodness she was willing to slap me like Shemp from "The Three Stooges in: Brideless Groom" after Miss Tompkins discovers Shemp is NOT her cousin Basil because it was HILARIOUS! And face it, the movie was Satanically Wrong but worthy enough to be one of my best reviews EVER!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number two
2) The "Power Rangers" casting couch

James Faraci (Voice over): This was just a fun thing to do, but it was a one time deal! How does "The Blockbuster Buster" does this type of thing all the time? I don't know, but he is able to choose great talent for those he want to see the characters he likes and trust me when I say this choosing the talent was impossible but I felt I had got who I wanted to do true justice to the characters that I feel should be near the top echelon of Superheroes like those at DC & Marvel Comics. So this had to be near the top of my list.

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): And THE Number one moment everyone liked in 2014 about The Last of The Americans is...

1) The ending of my One Year Anniversary review.

James Faraci (Voice over): Knowing how bad "Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd" I needed something smarter and epic to counterbalance it. Thank god for the storyline and "The Name Of The Doctor" because as one of my readers pointed out that I did a nice take on it. Plus I needed a good tie in to my second anniversary for the newly rechristened "ChannelAwesome.com" what better way to set up the anniversary special than with something so epic in the ending that it would reveal a new character and what might have happened (Show clip of James and Lea Michele romantically embracing and the moment in which James sees in the reflection of his glasses a shadowy figure with all the dialogue and actions from the "One year anniversary review" ending.) Everyone who read my review were left to wonder what was going to happen and while yes I did disappoint in certain regards with the Anniversary special . I'll admit I had no idea what to do. But this lead up was what made it the top of my list. (Show clip of the two continue to look as Lea begins to faint.)

James Faraci: Lea! LEA! LEA! (James groans as he catches Lea Michele.) He is someone I wish never to remember again!

The Figure: What I did, I did without choice.

James Faraci: I know.

The Figure: In the name of what was right and what was Just.

James Faraci: But not in the name of Hero! (James carries Lea Michele back through the tunnel as the figure turns around to reveal Bruce Campbell’s face and title cues reading “Introducing Bruce Campbell as Hero” then cutting to James Faraci physically in his office)

James Faraci: So that's the list of the ten moments everyone liked in 2014 about "The Last Of The Americans" and I think I might show somethings that I know might get people checking me out. ORAC! Ready some of the clips for next year.

(Audio of the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play in the background as James does a voice over)

James Faraci (Voice over): In 2015 Expect great reviews on movies that you remember, An awesome crossover with my blood brother, my compatriot and one person who gave me a break "The Rowdy Reviewer" on a block of great and not so great kids shows everyone remembers, I'll be reviewing one Ben Affleck movie starting January all the way through March and I swear to god my final Channel Awesome anniversary special also my second year anniversary, two interconnected top ten lists, the review I've dreaded doing "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn part 2" all this and more in 2015 with "The Last Of The Americans" (Cut to James physically in his office)

James Faraci: Now if you'll excuse me. (Pulls out Megaforce Morpher and pulls out the card of "The Last Of The Americans" a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and puts it into the Megaforce Morpher morphing him to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: I've got work to do. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I'll see everyone in 2015!

Monday, December 15, 2014

The Average Guy in "Merry Christ-mess"

Friday, December 12, 2014

The top 12 moments I like from "Home Alone" & "Home Alone 2"

(Scene starts in James’ office as several well-known personalities from Channel Awesome, all the contributors to Rowdyc.com, several members of the cast of “GLEE” including Lea Michele, Naya Rivera, Chris Colfer, Kevin McHale, Harry Shum Jr, Darren Criss & Chord Overstreet when James opens the Backdoor and everyone turns to see James wearing a Fez.)

TLOTA: I know we’ve all had possibly one of the roughest years ever. But there have been great moments that have happened. (Cut to Paw & The Maven Of The Eventide holding their son Grey and two goblets of Punch before cutting back to James.) As well as some sad moments. (Show a tribute photo of Justin “JewWario” Carmical with a bucket of money going to be sent to Justin’s Widow Jenny and The Last Angry Geek dropping a fifty dollar bill in the bucket and sadly nodding away before cutting back to James) But the fact we’re all here is worth something to celebrate, so I think this should be a celebration of everything we have accomplished and everything good. So let’s have fun! (Everyone cheers as “Jingle Bells” jazzy instrumental plays as camera cuts to find The Cinema Snob, Ace Gamer, Bennett The Sage and Chord Overstreet having a conversation.)

Sage: So Do you think we’ll have the hover conversions that Back To The Future Part Two claimed we would have?

Ace Gamer: If it’s affordable.

Cinema Snob: As long as we get the rumored revival of Crystal Pepsi, everything in 2015 should be amazing.

Chord Overstreet: Well the last thirteen episode of GLEE air so you guys must be dancing with joy. (Everyone nods yep as scene cuts to Paulo Fonseca, Mathew “Film Brain” Buck, and Harry Shum Jr & Kevin McHale.)

Paulo: So you and James were going to review this movie and what happened?

Film Brain: Well, James became catatonic, An Internet Persona named Trina Mason drank the only thing that could revive him, I spent hours trying to recreate the formula only for James to remain unconscious up until an hour before Lea’s concert.

Harry Shum Jr.: Yeah that was a great concert.

Kevin McHale: And James had fun. He and I danced our butts off and from what I heard James and the two had a fun post-concert night. (Scene cuts to The Comic Strip critic & Linkara having a conversation.)

Comic Strip Critic: Well you may never read another Spider-Man comic book as long as you live. There is a comic strip version I may review one day. Anything I can expect.

Linkara: Yes, Stupidity! (Cut to Malcolm whispering quietly when Tamara smacks him upside the head.)

Tamara: What are you doing?

Malcolm: Oh Praying.

Tamara: For what?

Malcolm: For Hyper Fan Girl not to appear.

Tamara: Oh, Oh OOOHHH, Can I join you?

Malcolm: The More the merrier. (The two quietly pray as scene cuts to The Nostalgia Critic, The Angry Video Game Nerd, Nash & Phelous having a conversation then running into Rebecca’s boyfriend Nick.)

Nostalgia Critic: I’m telling you I am going to need your help in reviewing it.

AVGN: It’s tempting.

Nash: But wasn’t it as bad as people thought it would be?

Phelous: Nash, Nash, Nash, This is Michael Bay we’re talking about of course it’s going to be bad, just like his future movie project with Benghazi.

Nostalgia Critic: Phelous, Tell me you’re joking.

Phelous: Afraid not. (Phelous bumps into Nick) Watch where you’re going!

Nick: Sorry about that I’m looking for Rebecca.

AVGN: Who?

Nick: Rebecca, My girlfriend. (The Wrestling Mark collides with everyone else.)

The Wrestling Mark: She should be over by James, Rowdy & Lea. You’ll know who James is by the Black Tee-Shirt with the American Flag on it and the fact he’s wearing a Fez.

Nick: Thanks man, have I got a surprise for her.

The Wrestling Mark: No Problem. (Nick walks off)

Nostalgia Critic: Wonder what that’s all about?

AVGN: Should we want to know?

Everyone: Nah. (Cut to James, Lea, Rebecca and Rowdy.)

Rowdy: You know something, this is one swinging shindig.

TLOTA: Thanks man. Who knew everyone could get along so well?

Lea Michele (Audio Only): Oh James look up! (James looks up to see mistletoe and then looks down to see Lea kiss him on the mouth with a kiss that is so strong it knocks the Fez right off of James’ head like a cork popping off a bottle of Champagne.)

TLOTA: YOWZA!

Rebecca: Very nice move Lea.

Lea Michele: Thanks Rebecca. (Loud shout of WOO-HOO! Has everyone look at the front door. As scene cuts to the front door to reveal that Hyper Fan Girl has found her way to James’ party.)

Hyper Fan Girl: Hyper Fan Girl here ready for my Critic! (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my GOD! HIDE ME! (Cut to James & Rebecca)

TLOTA: How did she find the place?

Rebecca: Well I saw her a few days ago and asked if she’d like to have some fun with my friend and all of his friends who just so happen to be Internet Reviewers she asked if my friend knew if the Nostalgia Critic. I said yes, she said she’d bring something big for him.

Rowdy (Audio only): For who? (Rowdy walks into frame and James points towards Hyper Fan Girl and all of a sudden the camera zooms to Rowdy’s face then the audio of “Bad Medicine” from Bon Jovi is heard from the 0:07 mark as the camera zooms to Hyper Fan Girl with the wind in her hair in slow motion and scene cuts back to the close up of Rowdy at the 0:15 mark of “Bad Medicine”)

Rowdy: Homina-Homina HOW-WOW! (0:15-0:39 of “Bad Medicine” audio is heard as everything shows Hyper Fan Girl walking in slow motion and a fan is blowing on her as camera cuts back to Rowdy having a “You are MINE” look in his eyes and he walks up to Hyper Fan Girl, places his hat on her head then proceeds to kiss Hyper Fan Girl on the lips before cutting back to James, Rebecca & Rowdy.)

Rebecca: What’s wrong with your friend?

TLOTA: Well, judging by the look on his face. I’d say he’s falling hard for Hyper Fan Girl.

Rebecca: Who?

TLOTA: The girl you invited?!

Rebecca: Oh yeah. Why would Rowdy fall for her?

TLOTA: I don’t know. The world works in mysterious ways but I think we may need to nip this one in the bud get the last resort and hurry. (0:40-0:43 of “Bad Medicine” audio is heard as the scene shows Rowdy and Hyper Fan Girl kissing as scene cuts to James snapping his fingers trying to snap Rowdy out of it.)

TLOTA: Rowdy? Rowdy? CHRIS! (0:43-0:47 of “Bad Medicine” audio is heard as scene cuts back to Rowdy & Hyper Fan Girl kissing. Scene cuts to Rowdy thrusting his hips and James is standing the opposite direction of Rowdy as the audio mark from 0:56-1:06 of “Bad Medicine” is heard as scene cuts to Rowdy & Hyper Fan Girl continue to kiss and scene cuts to Rebecca getting James “The Last Resort” and showing it to Rowdy which makes scream as audio mark from 1:06-1:12 of “Bad Medicine” is heard until Rowdy Screams!)

Hyper Fan Girl (Audio only): Wow, who was that? (Rowdy runs to Hyper Fan Girl)

Rowdy: That would be me. My friends call me Rowdy but you may call me yours! (Rowdy kisses Hyper Fan Girl on the hand and Hyper Fan Girl giggles and scene cuts to James rolling his eyes then cuts to Rebecca finding her boyfriend and Nick giving her one hell of a kiss.)

Nick: Hey Rebecca, I have to say your friend and his associates are quite eccentric.

Rebecca: Well, James has always been eccentric, you however are amazing.

Nick: Well, I’m about to make you amazing. CAN I HAVE EVERYONE’S ATTENTION? (All the noise stops.) I have to admit you’re not exactly the crowd I wanted to do this but you’ll do. (Everyone laughs) Okay, I want to say the following to this lovely woman in front of me is more amazing than watching you guys critique a movie or TV series. But this moment will be something none of you will forget. Rebecca Fonseca, (Nick gets down on one knee) Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? (Rebecca giggles and cries for a few seconds then says yes and everyone applauds with James & Lea having a sad smile on their face before cutting to a few hours after the Party with James, Lea, Paulo, Rebecca and Nick on Clean up duty.)

Lea Michele: You have to admit, that was an amazing party.

Paulo Fonseca: The fact Nick proposed to you was something out of left field.

Rebecca Fonseca: Well, It is so AMAZING how I feel now. (Cut to James doing the dishes)

TLOTA: I just wonder where that groaning noise is coming from. ORAC, As soon as you can find out where that groaning noise is coming from.

ORAC (Audio only): I shall take care of that task after finishing the trilogy of movies January through March you will review on Ben Affleck.

TLOTA: Thanks. (Cut to Nick cleaning up and finding a gift for James from Santa Christ)

Nick (Audio only): Hey James, There’s something here for you from Santa Christ. (James puts the last of the Dishes in the Sanitizer and runs to find Nick with James’ gift.)

TLOTA: Thanks Nick, There’s a letter here. (James reads the Letter aloud.) “Dear James, Sorry I didn’t get a chance to get this to you earlier, but I left this here before I left, a little something for you to enjoy on the Holidays. Have a better 2015 than 2014 would ever have been. Your friend Santa Christ.” Well that was nice of Santa Christ I wonder what it could be. (James unwraps the gift.) Oh boy, Oh Whoa Oh WOW! I know what to do with these!

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play as a Speedy shot of James Faraci riding with Santa on his sleigh is seen, then throwing snowballs, then singing Christmas Carols with The Muppets, then baking cookies, then Waxing Rudolph’s red nose to add to the brightness and pal around with Frosty before fading away to see a picture of the North Pole Santa Workshop appears in the background as Jesus Christ, Santa Claus and Santa Christ appear in the foreground as all three stand as a Christmas Tree land over them and James Faraci stands alongside the Christmas tree with a smile on his face and in Holiday text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side as Jingling Bells and snow falls in the intro)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (James holds onto his chair and the ground begins to shake as he lets go of the chair James is rocketed into the upper atmosphere over the world.) CHRISTMAS! (Cut to footage of Christmas scenes from Public Domain animated cartoons and a big band instrumental version of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Yep, it’s that time of year again filled with joy, merriment and all that we want to see that is good in the world come out of us and of course we once again get our binge of Christmas Specials and movies. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: And two of my favorite movies during this time is Home Alone & Home Alone 2! (Cut to Clips from both Home Alone Movies featuring Macaulay Culkin while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice Over): And for good reason, the stories while similar are well written and the character dynamic was fantastic, the acting was amazing and the fact people remember these two while the other three no one remembers is for good reason. They’re so great that reviewing them wouldn’t do it justice. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So I decided instead to count down twelve of my favorite moments from both those movies. Why 12? Because it is CHRISTMAS! These are the twelve moments that I loved from “Home Alone” & “Home Alone 2” (Cut to the image of the house from in-between the words “Home Alone” slowly goes back while “The Russian Dance Trepak” from Tchiakovsky’s Nutcracker Suite plays in the back ground while different clips from both movies play including many scenes in which Harry & Marv are getting comically hurt before cutting back to the house and the words “The Top Twelve moments I like from “Home Alone” & “Home Alone 2” and as the music ends the house going back and the number moves forward while James counts and talks about that moment during those last few seconds of the song.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 12

12) Everyone’s reaction to what Frank said to compare what is happening with his nephew being left home alone in “Home Alone”

TLOTA (Voice Over): While it was an actual honest reaction for the parents played by John Heard & Catherine O’Hara to be concerned about their child and rightfully so, listen to Frank played by Gerry Bamman as his reaction is so wrong and yet so humorous you know somewhere inside he already knows he’s going to get a whole ton of coal for Christmas because as I said The Parents are concerned, Frank very poorly tried to make light of things.

Frank: I left my glasses back home.

TLOTA (Voice Over): No one in that situation would either care about or laugh at that sentence but somehow humor found its way into it because they all looked at Frank as an inhumane idiot and their reaction to what Frank said makes its way to this list.

(“The Russian Dance Trepak” from Tchiakovsky’s Nutcracker Suite plays in the back ground and as the music ends and the house going back, the number moves forward while James counts and talks about that moment during those last few seconds of the song.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 11

11) How Kevin handle the situations in both movies.

TLOTA (Voice Over): What I really, truly enjoy about these two movies is Kevin’s ability to be able to adapt to the situation whether it’s going to get groceries or surviving the streets of New York City or even defending himself and his domicile against two thieves. If Kevin had grown up the way I think he did. I’d probably see him being able to run a security company. I mean he was able to survive a situation most adults would’ve wound up either dead or injured but not only did he beat the duo, not only did he survive, he flourished and while Kevin still remains a kid he’s wiser and knows that he won’t be hurt by the world and knowing that Kevin would survive the moments that’d knock any other person down to size makes it worthy of being on this list.

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 10

10) Tim Curry in “Home Alone 2”

TLOTA (Voice Over): This guy was a hoot to enjoy in the second movie as opposed to say watching a frame of Rob Schneider in this movie. You could tell that the wheels were already in motion the second he saw Kevin. But when he gets fooled by the “Angels with Even Filthier Souls” moment kind of made me realize that even the smartest people can be fooled by the simplest things. But for whatever reason seeing him try to outwit someone who outwitted two guys trying to rob his place with simple things around his house is kind of fun and you can tell that Tim was having fun as the character of the Concierge and for me is a highlight of “Home Alone 2”

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 9

9) The Dark moments from both movies

TLOTA (Voice Over): With something this comedic, you wouldn’t think that there are dark moments in it but listen to Buzz talking about the old man with the salt. According to Buzz, he’s a monster not that dissimilar to “The Joker” from “The Dark Knight” (Show clip of Buzz thinking what the back story of the salt man before cutting to James shiver in his seat and say Yowza to himself before going back to the clips and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): And throughout the entirety of the movie Kevin looks as if he’s about to soil his Superman “Fruit Of The Looms” until The Salt Man confronts him at a Church and lets him know that he’s not the monster and we discover he’s only an ordinary guy and he’s like everyone else and like Kevin we felt a sigh of relief when we discover that and when The Salt Man knocks Harry & Marv unconscious and brings Kevin home we knew he was a good man. But in the second movie the dark moments happen at once especially in New York City. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And as a person who was born in the state of New York everyone thinks I can walk the streets of the big city and I cannot be scared of what goes on in the dark. Okay, let’s straighten some misconceptions out. When I say I’m from New York, I don’t mean… (Show a picture of New York City and James shouts “THERE!” over it before going back to James physically.) I mean… (Show an overview of the Catskill Mountains and James shouts “THERE!” over it before going back to the clips of “Home Alone 2” and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): And believe me while in the daytime the city looks nice in the movie. Once it’s nighttime the freaks, monsters and every scary thing comes out at once and we feel the fear Kevin does during this time and heightening the scariness is a bird lady that throughout the first act that is covered in Pigeons and looks like she hasn’t smiled since 1963 and it isn’t until Kevin is stuck that Kevin realizes the thing we did. Just like in the first movie the one thing people should’ve scared us isn’t scary at all but those moments that scare us remind us to enjoy the lighthearted moments all the more.

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 8

8) The fast paced moment when the family leaves the house in both movies.

TLOTA (Voice Over): I know that it represents the fact that the family is trying to catch up with the oversleeping but there was something about it that I liked whether it was the comical overreaction of the parents or perhaps the music provided by John Williams setting the tone of the scenes or maybe it showed something else like that usual fast paced Go-Go attitude that we get around this time of the year that we spent far more time going around and around that we miss the little subtle in between notes in the songs of life which is why in the first movie they overshot Kevin by a mile and he was left alone throughout the majority of the movie or maybe it was just funny to see so many people rushing to get to the same place at the same time and forgetting Kevin in the first one. But while Kevin avoided sequelitis by getting to the van in the second one, it just seemed like one of those things we laugh and think about during this time of year.

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 7

7) Harry & Marv

TLOTA (Voice Over): What can I say? The chemistry between Joe Pesci & Daniel Stern was incredible. I cannot imagine anyone but these two as Harry & Marv. Harry was the brains that got stuck with someone who wasn’t the sharpest sharpshooter at the gun range but you could tell that when all the synapses were firing in Marv’s head, the two couldn’t be stopped except for a little kid with a house filled with traps that would leave people in the Hospital. But even if the kid wasn’t there something tells me these two would find a way to screw a job up. (Cut to a green screened shot of the inside of the house where Harry is played by Rowdy & Marv by Paulo Fonseca)

Harry: Okay Marv, you know that the safe is on the second floor right?

Marv: Yeah.

Harry: You got the tools to break into the safe.

Marv: Yeah and just in case, I can cut the hinges to the door to the vault with this handsaw.

Harry: Come on, just grab it and bring it down as quickly as you can.

Marv: Okay. (Marv walks off screen while Harry walks the opposite way and two seconds later Harry comes back with his sack filled.)

Harry: Hey Marv! Hurry up!

Marv (Audio only): Harry, this thing is bolted to the floor. I’m going to use the saw to cut it loose

Harry: Well do what you got to do. (Two second pause while Harry’s eyes expand) Marv! Marv! Wait! Wait! Don’t do that! DON’T DO THAT! (Photo of the safe crushing Harry as Marv screams as he falls through the floor and off-screen then say Ow! And the home owner played by Rebecca Fonseca coming in on the right.)

Homeowner: Hmm. (Walks over to the phone) 911 emergency. There are two thieves who have been incapacitated on 428 Vaccaro Drive could you send an ambulance and the police to pick up the two (Cut back to the footage of Harry & Marv while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice Over): Whether or not. These two were just absolutely worthy of being on this list because they were just hilariously funny.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now I know some if not a LOT of you are wondering where are those traps, the injuries that would send normal people to the Hospital in a body bag, the slapstick shtick. Clarity will come after the break.

ORAC (Audio only): I have found the source of the groaning.

TLOTA: Well where is it ORAC?

ORAC (Audio only): In the bathroom. (Cut to James looking in the bathroom as his eyes enlarge as the audio is that of two people groaning romantically before James walks backwards and closes the door and back into Paulo & Rebecca)

Paulo: James you okay?

Rebecca: You look like you saw the most disturbing thing no man should see.

TLOTA: HOW DID YOU KNOW? DID YOU LOOK IN TO SEE YOUR BUDDY AND A CRAZY FAN GIRL TO ANY INTERNET REVIEWER DOING THE IN-BED TANGO IN THE BATHTUB?

Paulo & Rebecca: No. Why? Did you?

TLOTA: Let’s just say I’m going to call my friend’s Genie to knock my friend unconscious and ship him back to the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington area of Texas and send her to the nuthouse where she belongs. (James walks away looking disturbed while Paulo & Rebecca are left to ponder what he saw.)

Rebecca: Did James say Genie? Like (Does the arms cross and blinking while jerking her head movement Jeannie does in “I Dream Of Jeannie”) that type of Genie

Paulo: I think so.

Rebecca: James has some weird people in his life.

(Commercial Sting with American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing alongside a Christmas tree to Holiday Text saying The Last of the Americans. While the sound of Jingling bells and the sight of snow falling are covering the sting then same moment returns to the review)

TLOTA: Okay, now that my sanity is back to normal. Let’s get back to the countdown. (“The Russian Dance Trepak” from Tchiakovsky’s Nutcracker Suite plays in the back ground and as the music ends and the house going back, the number moves forward while James counts and talks about that moment during those last few seconds of the song.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 6

6) The blow torch to Harry’s scalp from both movies.

TLOTA (Voice Over): What I liked about this trap is while the first time is Harry’s reaction was priceless just standing there while he took it. The second go around gives it more time before he reacts and when Harry dunks his flaming scalp in the toilet filled with clear Kerosene well… (Show the outside of the house and a flash bang from the inside of the house) need I say more. Yeah I know in real life he’d be hurt to the point where he’d be history but when you have to suspend the disbelief that means you’re going to survive something that deadly as if a fly landed on your head. But what else can be said except. (Show clip of Harry screaming as his scalp is being burned in “Home Alone” and James sings)

TLOTA (Singing voice over): Harry’s head roasting on an open fire!

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 5

5) The Tool Chest coming down the stairs from “Home Alone 2”

TLOTA (Voice Over): Something original in a sequel? CALL RIPLEY’S! Because this was incredibly funny and the fact Harry & Marv DIDN’T see it coming adds on to the humor of this. After getting up from a hole in the basement and going up the stairs, Harry & Marv find Kevin running up another flight of stairs to which the doorknob is tied to a rope, the rope is tied taught to a tool chest, the doorknob gets pulled and next thing Harry & Marv know (Show clip of The Tool Chest hitting the door and Harry and Marv screaming as the door and the tool chest slam the two into the wall.) WHAM! Something with that amount of force would’ve flatten the duo into flapjacks but for the sheer entertainment of it, I had to include it into this list.

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 4

4) Electric Marv from “Home Alone 2”

TLOTA (Voice Over): After falling in the basement and slipping into a shelving filled with paint. Marv decides to clean himself up at a sink in the basement which just so happened to be hooked up to an AC/DC ARC generator which results in… (Show clip of Marv doing the shake dance as he is slowly electrocuted until Marv is a ‘Fro, a beard and a screaming skeleton before letting go and looks electrocuted.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): Yeah, Marv rode the lightning and LIVED! I know in real life he would’ve looked like Michael Jeter after being electrocuted in “The Green Mile” but remember a lot of what is going on is A LIVE ACTION CARTOON! No one will EVER survive being electrocuted to that degree but this moment is so funny, if I didn’t I’d be forced to walk “The Green Mile” myself with Tom Hanks giving the call to juice me until I was ash!

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 3

3) The Paint cans of pain! From both of the movies.

TLOTA (Voice Over): Probably one of the most if not the most memorable gag. Why? Because of the timing and the reaction. NO ONE reacts to a paint can like Marv when he sees it coming. He doesn’t look like he sees something coming but knows enough to know what’s coming and when it is gonna hit him, it should’ve knocked the guy senseless. Instead he’s aware enough to try to warn Harry’s reaction is just as good. But that was the first one. In the second one they’re somewhat aware of what he can do. So as the two ready to go up the steps, they dodge one bullet with the paint cans but not the cast iron banister! (Show Kevin tossing the cast iron pipe as Harry & Marv look and Marv says Oops as the cast iron pipe clocks them.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): What else can be said except…? Who knew paint cans could cause such damage?

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 2

2) “Angels With Filthy Souls” & it’s sequel “Angels With Even Filthier Souls”

Boy was I surprised when I first discovered that these two movies weren’t real. Heck when I discovered IMDB I figured I’d check out if those movies were real and to my shock they were pseudo-films and both were used for good use. I especially loved when Kevin used it for Pizza and when he mixed it well enough to scare Marv off. But in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York when he has to outrun The Concierge and most of the staff. He goes to the Stand-By Sequel and the results are hilarious. (Show clip of the Hotel Staff being outwitted by the “Angels With Even Filthier Souls” before James continues doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over) But if The Concierge said this.

The Concierge: STAY IN YOUR ROOMS! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! THERE IS AN INSANE GUEST WITH A GUN!

TLOTA (Voice Over): I’d double check where I was. But it is amazing and funny how he used the clips and it is worthy of making this list. (Cut to Kevin in the first movie mouthing “Keep the change you filthy animal!”)

TLOTA (Voice Over): And the Number one moment I liked from “Home Alone” & “Home Alone 2” is…

1) The Mom’s dogged determination to get to Kevin from “Home Alone”. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I know in the second one, it would’ve been nice to see the mom & Kevin take down Harry & Marv with Kevin’s plan and after Harry says this (Cut to clip of Harry saying “Nothing more would thrill me more greatly than to shoot you. Before cutting to James physically again.) I could only hear it now. (Show pic of Harry & Marv looking up at the roof and Catherine O’Hara shouting threats of death if someone were to harm her kids before cutting to the clip of the mom doing whatever it took to get home while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice Over): But I felt the journey she took in the first one felt more epic and as someone with three nieces. Twins with a little sister I understand where she’s coming from because I’d do the same thing for them and after hearing this… (Cut to the clip in which The Mom screaming she’d do anything to get home to the Airline clerk.)

TLOTA (Voice over): I think she would do what she’d say to protect her son & although the journey she took was great it nearly ended in tragedy had it not been for the help of a cameo of the late great John Candy and his polka band getting her home on Christmas just for the heartwarming moment and let’s face it after all she had to go through, it was probably worth it just to apologize to her son on Christmas and it was worth it to make it to the number one moment on my countdown. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So that’s the 12 moments I liked from “Home Alone” & “Home Alone 2” and if you don’t like it after seeing it, what’s wrong with you?

(Cut to clips of “Home Alone” & “Home Alone 2: Lost In New York” while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): Okay maybe I’m being harsh to those who don’t understand these movies because the way I see them is as classic as “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer” or any of the movies and specials that have been seen around this time of year. There is something about these two that are amazing that I can’t seem to grasp and maybe that’s not a bad thing. Sometimes not understanding why you like something makes it better for you to enjoy it. The characters are interesting, the stories while similar are unique enough to be considered original enough to be connected and the music by John Williams is amazing and if you get it, I suggest that you find it and see things that you’ll like as well. (Cut to James, Paulo & Rebecca in the same room.)

TLOTA: So, I hope that my friends and I will see you in 2015 anything else you guys want to throw in.

Paulo: Well I hope that everyone have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Rebecca: And in that New Year may we all strive for better.

TLOTA: Don’t we all Rebecca? (Rebecca nods as if to say, That’s True.) I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

Paulo & Rebecca: And that’s your opinion.

TLOTA: No, what I was going to say and wish is the same thing EVERYONE wishes & says around this time of the year.

Rebecca: Which is…? (James & Paulo look at Rebecca with a “Seriously” look on their faces.) Oh yeah.

TLOTA, Rebecca & Paulo: HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYBODY!