The Final "Strike Back"

(The Scene begins with the real James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and his friends and associates fighting his digital doppelganger as the digital doppelganger holds his own.)

TLOTA (D):
Good attacks, but is that all you've got? (Cut to the real James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, as lightning comes shooting out of his eyes)

TLOTA:
Try this on, baby! (The "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin plays as James hits his digital doppelganger, and everyone gets one good shot until the music ends.)

ERod The Blockbuster Buster:
It got away. (Cut to Rowdy)

Rowdy:
For now. (Rowdy and James hug it out like brothers) You scared the hell out of me! (Rowdy Will Smith Pimp smacks James) Don't disappear on me without telling me where you're going! (James and Rowdy smile as they hug it out.) And as for you, Stupidiot. (Rowdy walks up to Hiram Stupidiot) Thanks, though I must ask how you snapped James' team out of their hypnotized state. (Cut to a flashback to when Rowdy confronted Stupidiot and when he was working with the holographic James as Stupidiot does a voiceover)

Professor Stupidiot (V.O.):
When you came at me when you were pissed off like you had just heard they did a worst Ninja Turtles project outside of Abomination and the Michael Bay movies, I knew James was in trouble, he keeps me on retainer in terms of anything he needs, though he does keep me on a short leash when I am needed. I discovered how the AI Digital Doppelganger's signal was hypnotizing the team. I was able to encode the lost episode's footage with a reversal signal and thank everything scientific they were watching it. (Cut to Professor Stupidiot physically)

Professor Stupidiot:
I may be a maniacal mastermind who is out to take over the entire world but at least I'm a hundred percent human! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
That's what I'm talking about. Right now, all of you will see what you can do to delete that digital demon. Before I forget, Chad, Alex is gone; she's never coming back, and you broke the terms of the deal, so you're fired. (Cut to Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
What? Alex is gone, and I'm fired?! You can't do this to me! I MADE YOU! I MADE ALL OF YOU! WITHOUT ME, THERE WOULD BE NO INTERNET REVIEWERS! ALL OF YOU OWE ME! (Cut to Chad being tossed out on his ass with all his stuff after getting the crap beaten out of him. Cut to James opening up a panel revealing a set of new devices and everyone in Team TLOTA going towards James.)

TLOTA:
Rowdy, Guys! Grab your power drivers.

Rowdy:
Power Driver?

TLOTA:
I've got to avoid copyright claims, so I've created my own version of the screwdrivers and given them the generic title of Power Driver.

Rowdy:
Works for me! What are you... You're going to work, aren't you?

TLOTA:
Yep, hit the intro!

(Scene cuts to a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown and it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Before I was so quickly and rudely interrupted, I wanted to do one more review of Kevin Smith's that ended with a happy ending because endings like that are getting so small. Any win is better than nothing. (Cut to the title card of "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back," then clips of the trailer as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 2001 and originally meant to be the final movie for the duo. "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" is the perfect middle finger on an industry that just seems to reward the incompetent, the bland, and, quite honestly, the dumbest of human existence instead of allowing new blood to flourish. The ones that could change the industry are made into bad jokes (Cut to the clip of Hooper as he says, "It's like watching "Batman and Robin" again. Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.) And today, we celebrate it for the middle finger it is to Hollywood and the system that keeps new talent down and rewards its stupidity. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's not waste any time saying, "Ho, go to hell, Hollywood!" as we watch "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back!" (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with the obvious Star Wars reference as we see Baby Jay, played by Brian Andrew Saible, and Baby Silent Bob, played by Harley Quinn Smith, in her first big role, as they meet outside a little place called the Quick Stop & RST. We then dissolve and cut to our heroes, played by Jay Mewes and Kevin Smith, in the present day as they start selling wares and talk about one of the greatest songs written, "Jungle Love" by Morris Day & The Time, I'm sure this won't be set up for the ending. However, this interrupts Randal's attempt at watching the 1980's classic "Clash Of The Titans." We soon find Dante, played by Brian O'Halloran, at his post at the Quick Stop when Jay's customers decide to harass the two. This harassment finally pushes the two to call the cops and file a restraining order, kicking the two out of their usual hangout place. Licking their wounds, they wind up at Brodie Bruce's Secret Stash, and it's here that Brodie tells the two that the comic book based on them and mentioned in "Chasing Amy" is becoming a movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And no one told Jay and Silent Bob because... (A ding is heard as the words "It's Hollywood. Why would they care about doing things in the normal legal way or the legal right way?!") thought so!(Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Armed with this knowledge, they confront Holden, played by Ben Affleck, as he tells the two that he sold the rights to Bankie and then shows the two the Internet and one site in particular, Movie Poop Shoot that shows that Friday is when the movie officially begins production and since it was Miramax producing it, they were going to use Ben Affleck and Matt Damon due to their academy award win thanks to "Good Will Hunting." However, what gets Jay and Silent Bob pissed off is the fact that people on chat boards are talking smack about the characters based on the two of them. With a three-day countdown from that day, they first see that post and a brief fourth wall break, which will happen a few more times in this movie; Jay and Silent Bob head out to Hollywood. The two hit the road as they meet a hitchhiker, played by the late George Carlin, who tells them about the unwritten book of rules of the road. After that, they meet with a nun, played by the late Carrie Fisher, and mistake the good book for the book they were just told about. Jay tries to go for something in the unwritten book, and the two are thrown out. Later, the two meet with a certain gang with a certain dog, and apparently, this movie forced the writers of another movie about this gang to tone down their humor, especially when Jay breaks out the Doobie Snacks! (Cut to the moment the gang hops up on the ganja, and the dog says, "Hi Ray & Rilent Rob! Tee-Hee-Hee!" Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The two knocked out, the hipster suggests the usual (Cut to the "Shag" as he says, "Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them on the black market and leave the two in a seedy motel bathroom filled with ice." Cut to James physically as he looks disturbed at what he just heard. Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After that "WHAT IN THE FLYING HELL WAS THAT?" moment, the two stumble upon a Mooby's as they come up to an Internet hot spot, and they decide to let those who have ruined their reputation and read all of them the riot act. This won't come back at any point. Just as the two get ready to get back on their journey to stop the movie, Jay meets the woman who will change his life forever. (Cut to the intro of "Justice" as played by Shannon Elizabeth. Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
 This is Justice, played by Shannon Elizabeth, as she is stopping off for some food for herself and her friends Missy, Sissy, and Chrissy, played by Eliza Dushku, Ali Larter, and Kevin Smith's wife, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith. Justice tells her friends that Jay and Silent Bob will ride with them, and Brent, played by Sean William Scott, joins in this strangely familiar-looking van. Sissy tells Jay and Silent Bob they're members of a college group in Kansas called Students Against Animal Cruelty, or SAAC for short, and they're on their way to Colorado to deal with a lab to stop their animal experimentations. However, one move by Brent sends Jay into a silent rage, and he quickly concocts a way to give Brent the heave-ho! (Cut to the moment in which Jay calls Brent a Sheep Shtupper and tosses him out, screaming, "Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker!" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Can't wait until he does this with any offspring he may have and saves from Knuckleheaded Cluckers! (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Justice talks to Jay about what led them to be here, as Jay's conscience, two devils, and an angel keep him from pulling out his Wienerschnitzel. At a stop, Silent Bob, being the gentleman he is, helps the others out of the car. Sissy, Chrissy, and Missy rip into Justice for Jay and Silent Bob tossing Brent out of the van and then forces Justice to convince Jay and Silent Bob to take Brent's place. Jay thinks it's about stealing a monkey and doing it to get him some Justice, the person, not the concept. That night Sissy sets Jay up for a further fall by opening up about the Clitoris. (Show the clip of Jay talking about the Clitoris. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, I... no, I have no experience like that at all. (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Much like in "Mallrats," Jay and Silent Bob use the Batman Utility Belt, Grappling Hook, and Cable to get into the Animal testing lab while Justice, Sissy, Chrissy, and Missy decide to rob the Colorado Diamond Exchange literally just down the block from the Lab! (Cut to James physically as he pulls out a meter)

TLOTA:
The Coincidence meter is going off the scale! (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jay and Silent Bob grab a tranquilizer dart gun with Animal Tranquilizers and then find an orangutan named Suzanne! Meanwhile, Justice, Sissy, and Chrissy nearly pull off the heist when something Jay said earlier causes Chrissy to fumble it big time. (Show the clip of Jay saying, "Fast Food makes Girls Fart." Cut to the moment Chrissy does her flips and then rips one, and the word "WHOOPS!" happens as the noise alarm goes all the way up. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The silent approach having gone down in farts, the three just smash and run, rig an explosive to blow the van sky high, and get out of dodge. Meanwhile, Jay and Silent Bob grab the Orangutan and get out of dodge when Silent Bob tells in his own way that the job ain't done yet.  (Show the clip of the animals escaping the lab, Jay and Silent Bob running with the orangutan as the police show up and the van blows up, with Jay seemingly thinking Justice has died. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
The best part of that moment was when the choir sang about the sorrow of Jay and Silent Bob. Sadly, the worst part is just around the corner. (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The next morning, with Jay and Silent Bob on the run, we soon find the biggest misstep in this movie, Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly (Unenthusiastically chuckles), played by Will Ferrell. He comes in to make the orangutan's abduction the important business, not the diamonds that were taken next door. And, of course, Sissy's video tells Willenholly that Jay & Silent Bob were the ones that were the masterminds behind everything. Meanwhile, Jay & Silent Bob somehow make it to Utah. Jay and Silent Bob react to the fact they have an orangutan, and the orangutan reacts to Jay and Silent Bob's existence. Jay comes to the most outrageous conclusion about Suzanne. (Show Jay as he thinks that Suzanne is the ape to lead to the Planet Of The Apes as he has the Charlton Heston "Taylor" rant screaming, "You maniacs! DAMN YOUSE! GOD DAMN YOUSE ALL TO HELL!" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, because it was the ape you took is the one that would lead to the end of humanity. (Play the clip of Robert Wagner saying “Oy Gevalt” in “Austin Powers In Goldmember” Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jay and Silent Bob then return to the road to stop the Bluntman and Chronic movie. However, Marshal Willenholly hits the news circuit with Jon Stewart as Marshal Willenholly lets Utah know that Jay & Silent Bob are in their state. We get cameos from Dante, Randal, and Holden looking at what Jay and Silent Bob are now. As that news goes on, Justice lets the others know that she's starting to feel bad for Jay and Silent Bob while the others decide that they don't feel anything and decide to have their nasty way with the Pizza guy, and guess what he's one of the reasons "Spider-Man: One More Day" happened. After Justice's lament, the sheriff's department is led by Judd Nelson (Cut to James physically as he says, "And according to Jay and Silent Bob "He's Harsh!" Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) and Marshal Willenholly adds nothing to the moment except stupidity. Want to know how much? Jay and Silent Bob take a kid's clothes, put it on the orangutan, and get away only briefly! (Cut to Marshal Willenholly as he discovers one minute too late that they let Jay and Silent Bob out and the two of them fleeing the law, then to the rest of the scene as James does his voiceover.) Jay and Silent Bob find themselves in the same situation Harrison Ford was in "The Fugitive." As the two are trapped, Suzanne, the smartest of the characters, gets Jay And Silent Bob out of Harm's way as Marshal Willenholly decides to take the quickest route to his end! (Show the clip of Jay calling out Willenholly as he stops screaming momentarily to say "Hey" and then to Jay taunting the guy and Willenholly screaming, "OH FUCK ME! AAAH!" plummeting to his supposed death. Cut to the movie as James continues to do his voiceover.) Suzanne is taken by a group looking for animals for movies as Silent Bob finally snaps at Jay. (Cut to Silent Bob shouting, "THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR, SAID " CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD!" YOU DUMB FUCK!" as the echo reaches James in his office.)

TLOTA:
Hmm, heard you twenty-plus years later there, Silent Bob! (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, by an act of the devil, Marshal Willenholly survives a fall of a dam and gets Jay and Silent Bob's message from the Poop Shoot message board. Jay and Silent Bob make it to Hollywood and discover another drug dealer named Pumpkin Escobar, played by Tracy Morgan, and they're all unionized. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Yes, the people who supply us with Cocaine, Heroin, and all sorts of illegal Pharmaceuticals are unionized. When I suggest it to my fellow content creators and internet reviewers, Everyone thinks I should be institutionalized! If I were in any other condition, I'd be breaking out the good stuff! (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):TLOTA (V.O.):
We get cameos from Steve Kmetko and Jules Asner, who worked on E! News then. Justice sees Jay and Silent Bob outside the Miramax studios as they almost get past Diedrich Bader. Of course, we get the usual interlopers trying to deal with movies. Jay and Silent Bob get onto the set of "Good Will Hunting 2" as we discover Ben Affleck has himself a murdering hookers fetish, and then are reunited as we see the orangutan on the set of the latest "Scream" sequel. Our heroes then decide to punch that shit and land in the center of coincidence and circumstance as they meet who's actually playing them in the Bluntman & Chronic movie. Jason Biggs from "American Pie" and James Van Der Beek, who was Dawson in "Dawson's Creek." The Orangutan kicks Biggs and Van Der Beek, so they get arrested, and Jay and Silent Bob wind up as their comic book alter egos in the movie directed by Chaka Luther King, played by Chris Rock; we then soon begin filming as we see the villainous Cockknocker played by (Show clip of Mark Hamill standing there and the words "Hey Kids, It's Mark Hamill! (Applause)" are shown. Cut to James as he applauds it. Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
A battle breaks out, and Chaka thinks George Lucas will sue Miramax for this as Marshal Willenholly finds himself on the set of a Mooby's episode and puts Mooby out of its misery. Meanwhile, we see another "Strike Back" reference. (Show the clip of Mark Hamill losing his hand and then looking into the camera and saying, "Not Again!" Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Willenholly eventually makes it to the set to arrest Jay and Silent Bob just as Justice arrives to tell the Marshal, Jay, and Silent Bob about the stolen Jewels and then how Jay and Silent Bob were being used as patsies just as Missy, Sissy, and Chrissy decide they're not going down like that and a fight breaks out. In the middle of the fracas, Jay and Silent Bob meet with Bankie to stop the movie so people can stop talking smack about Jay and Silent Bob or get their money. Of course, Bankie being a douche, even during the days of "Chasing Amy," doesn't give a rat's ass about stopping the movie or forking out the dough. However, Silent Bob tells them about how he's in breach of the contract, and Bankie is willing to settle before the lawyers get involved; just rightly timed out is how the battle between Justice and Sissy ends with a superkick that knocks out Missy and Chrissy! (Cut to the moment in which Marshal Willenholly is patting himself on the back for being a good shot when a stray bullet hits him, and he drops dead. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, it was wish fulfillment, but think about it, no Will Ferrell, no really bad acting, and irritation from his performances! (Cut to "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
No, instead, Marshal Willenholly is tranqed by the Orangutan, and Justice surrenders the diamonds and her former cohorts to Willenholly, and that somehow gets him in the FBI as a Marshal; okay, the movie's wrapping up at this point, so now with the issue of the movie and the diamond thieves wrapped up, Jay and Silent Bob decide to find who has been bad mouthing Jay and Silent Bob and the movie ends with the premiere of "Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back" with characters from all of the View Askewniverse basically slamming how bad the movie was even Bankie was embarrassed by it except for FBI Marshal Willenholly and the movie ends with Morris Day & The Time singing "Jungle Love" spliced with a blooper reel and end credits. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And, of course, this post-credit scene. (Show post-credit scene from “Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back” as“God” as performed by Alanis Morrisette as she closes the book on the View Askewniverse, does her little dance, bows out, then cuts to James physically) 

TLOTA: 
And that was "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back," A perfect movie to watch today. (Cut to clips of  "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" as "Jungle Love" by Morris Day & The Time play in the foreground James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
To me, Watching this is the perfect thank you and fuck you to Hollywood that it needs. The story is your typical road trip comedic adventure movie with references to other movies and self-referential references to their own movie's universe that help keep the movie funny and relevant. This was Kevin Smith's biggest and best movie for a long time. If this had ended the View Askewniverse, it would've ended on a great high note. If you have not seen it, do yourself a favor and watch the other movies and "Good Will Hunting" to get a sense of what you're getting into. Watch it to let Hollywood know what you think about what it has done with your favorite movie franchises. (The footage is digitally turned into bits and pieces and then used to reconstitute the Digital Doppelganger of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA (D):
I'm not the enemy; I have been doing your job so efficiently that you can kick back and get the other projects done. (Cut to The Real James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
At what price, the Quality? Actual Independent Thought? I saw the footage of what you did to my friends while I was on my journey, and the fact that you could work them like that? I may have them do more than they should, but I also pay them overtime for that devotion and give them extra time to recoup from working with me! You drained their life out (Power Rangers Communicator beep is heard). Talk to me.

Professor Hiram Stupidiot (Audio only):
James, the hologram, has reconstituted itself and is gaining more power. With Rowdy's help, I am close to finding the solution. He is working on a total deletion program.

Rowdy (Audio only):
It should be ready in one minute. (Cut to the Digital Doppelganger.)

TLOTA (D): 
James, you can have what you want. You can have her and the future with her if you want. (Cut to the real James as a digital hand of Julia Alexa Miller touches him, and he feels it. Cut to the Digital James.) James, if you delete me and all that I can give you, you will destroy your future. (Cut to the real James as he looks at the digital Doppelganger of Julia Alexa Miller as "Batman's Destiny" from the 1:25 to the 1:48 mark plays)

TLOTA:
My future had its chance (Cut to the Digital James as his fake smile turns into an angered look as "Batman's Destiny" from the 1:49 to the1:56 plays and then cuts back to the real James Faraci The Last Of The Americans) Rowdy, Stupidiot, when you're ready, Barbeque the Uncanny James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (The digital doppelganger screams in pain and is slowly deleted with lightning arcs surrounding the digital doppelganger's demise in a painful fashion screaming "NO!" as he is being deleted, then ultimately is destroyed being sucked into a void of no escape; the scene cuts to the real James as the digital Julia Alexa Miller disappears like dust in the wind and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans sits in his office, knowing he is alone and will stay that way forever. as "Batman's Destiny" from the 1:57 to the 3:04 mark. Cut to sometime later as we see everyone packing up the last of Julia Alexa Miller's work as Rowdy walks away to check on James Faraci The Last Of The Americans. The scene cuts to James on his phone and looking over everything in his office and, in a moment of remembrance, cries as he sees a pic of himself with his family in 2018 and James happy with Julia Alexa Miller and the cast and crew of "Life As A Mermaid." then cuts back to James sitting down as there's a knock on the door.)

TLOTA:
It's open! (Cut to Rowdy as he walks in and sees the differences since the destruction of his digital doppelganger.) 

Rowdy:
Wow, not that many photos of you and Alex left are there. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Nope, I failed her, and now I am paying the price. I've decided to allow myself to use dating apps if I want a long-lasting relationship. (Sighs) Rock meet bottom! I was going to announce my engagement to her. That was the only other surprise I had when I announced why I had brought everyone together. Now, there's not even that to get everyone together; I'm also canceling the vacation event. Financial issues are why it's not happening, and I am allocating the funds to pay for the rest of the team to take a long overdue break and extra overtime. They more than earned it, and I can relate; I can barely put up with myself for a limited amount of time; I'll never know how she put up with me for that long. (Cut to Rowdy as he looks at James)

Rowdy:
James, I know that life will never work in our favor. Just because there's a curveball doesn't mean it's the last at-bat for you. You're still doing what you do best, and what you're doing is really good. (Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
The numbers barely justify the rent and the bills for the place. That lost review has now become the equivalent of a review of "The Wall" done by Chicago Schmuck, and all my future projects are scrapped; worse, I'm now trending on X with everyone who knew me calling me as evil as either Donald Trump, Adolf Hitler and every other face of evil right now. My career is in the toilet, my personal life is a joke, and perhaps retirement is the only way out of my professional and personal misfortunes. (James sits down and cries as he thinks about it. Rowdy walks up and sits to talk to James face-to-face.)

Rowdy:
James, I've been doing "TV Trash" with only a few years' difference, and I understand why we should call it a career. But we should be doing it on our terms. As for failing in a personal relationship, I'm an expert; that's why I gave up on it for the sake of my career. James, if you need to take a break, then take it. If you want to call it a career, then do it. If you think you're still going down the same path that schmuck is going down, then stop. Find a new path, and hope you will have your desired happy ending. Think about it. (Rowdy stands up and walks away, and it cuts to James sitting there, knowing that he is stuck and there's nothing left for him as the scene fades to black.)

The "Dogma" of Kevin Smith

(Scene begins with the definition of “Disclaimer” from “Dogma” as it cuts to James in his office as he prepares while the opening music from the opening of “Dogma” plays as James takes his seat and then it cuts to black, and the same text used in the opening credits of “Dogma” with the words “The Last Of The Americans’ Kevin Smith Marathon.” and it cuts to James in the office.) 

TLOTA: 
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Now it’s (A Woosh of flames are seen nearly offscreen knocks James out of his chair as an imposing voice screams “BEHOLD THE METATRON! HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!” repeatedly until James screams, “OKAY! I BEHOLD YOU! TURN THE FLAMES OFF YOU’LL SET OFF THE FIRE SUPPRESSION SYSTEMS!”  just as the fire suppression systems are set off and the Metatron played by Paulo Fonseca walks on to the set.) 

The Metatron: 
Wow! At least it’s a dry suppression system; one of us did this and got soaked down to their bones. 

TLOTA: 
Hi, James Faraci... 

The Metatron: 
The Last Of The Americans, we know about you above and below, and as I have said recently, I am The Metatron! And God is to charge you with a holy crusade to ensure something happens. 

TLOTA: 
I think he’s asking the wrong person. I haven’t had any luck in getting anything done.  

The Metatron: 
Well, it is something simple to help a fellow filmmaker regain the rights of a movie held by a demonic duo who holds it over his head to reclaim his soul. 

TLOTA: 
I think I know what you’re talking about, and I will review it. Maybe I can use the review to convince the audience to make an online petition to see if he can get it back. But only if people will check it out. So, let me do my review today.  

The Metatron: 
I am all for it (Cut to the opening credit of “Dogma” as “Mooby The Golden Calf” plays in the background, then clips to the movie as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Released in 1999, and considered one of Kevin’s most blasphemous movies ever, (Cut to “Flops” Kevin has made as James says “Even more blasphemous than these movies.” Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover) “Dogma” was Kevin Smith’s tale of how even those we could consider unworthy of something great has a higher purpose than we expect, even if it's something that you thought it was something you were unworthy of. However, it has since become the ONLY movie of Kevin’s that has fallen into obscurity and not because it is a bad movie, I think it’s one of Kevin’s finest as it tackles taboos that very few would talk about in a mainstream movie and keep it funny as well. So why has it fallen into obscurity? What can this review do to revive it? Is this as blasphemous as everyone made it out to be? (Cut to James and The Metatron physically.) 

TLOTA: 
Let’s look at “Dogma”! (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
After a Disclaimer that basically says that even though the movie is a piece of fiction, a lot of what the movie is about talks about Catholic and Religious Lore, and it wants to do so in a humorous way and getting angry about the content of the movie is a waste of time for everyone or in the words of the MST3K theme song (Cut to the latest version of the theme as Tom Servo sings “It’s just a show, I should really just relax.” Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover), We soon find ourselves at the Jersey Shore Boardwalk as we see three punks pummel an unknown person nearly to death, then to a catholic church as we find Cardinal Glick played by the immortally beloved George Carlin as he plans to do something big, starting off with the retirement of the Catholic Sigil for something more inspiring, something called “The Buddy Christ” as his first step to bring Catholicism to the mainstream. (Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
Of course, one time they tried that, didn’t that lead to The Spanish Inquisition? (Cut to a trio of Cardinals as they jump out of nowhere as the Monty Python Shock music of the Spanish Inquisition) 

The Grand Inquisitor: 
NOBODY EXPECTS... Oh wait, that’s The Metatron! We didn’t expect you! RUN AWAY! (The three whoop and make groaning noises ala Curly from The Three Stooges/ Dr. Zoidberg from “Futurama.” While screaming, “RUN AWAY!” Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
We soon find Loki, played by Matt Damon, as he talks about the poem talked about in “Alice Through The Looking Glass” entitled “The Walrus and The Carpenter” and how it is an allegory of the Western and Eastern religions. After telling this to A NUN! Loki soon meets up with Bartleby, played by Ben Affleck, at the Airport, where he tells Loki about how a Church that Cardinal Glick is using as a secondary step towards bringing Catholicism to the mainstream with a Papal set Sanction, a Church will be blessed with Plenary Indulgence which allows those who go through its arches a Morally Clean Slate. This gives Bartleby and Loki the idea that if they transubstantiate and become human, they go through the arches, die, and return to heaven. For those who might just be putting it together, Bartleby and Loki are disgraced angels who have been banished to Wisconsin. Why are they in Wisconsin? What did they do to be thrown out of Heaven? Patience Grasshopper. When the two talk about Dogmatic Law, in which God must adhere to the Papal Sanction, they think they’re heading home. However, Loki does have One last bit of work he wants to take care of before getting to the business. He thinks it would be a good idea for him to return to his old job as the Angel of Vengeance by wishes to lay waste to the people who make a character called “Mooby, The Golden Calf.” (Show clip of Loki and Bartleby talking about how long it is until the dedication of the Church with the Plenary Indulgence sanction. Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
Really, that long? I wasted my life and have so many regrets that I know will keep those pearly gates shut. 

The Metatron: 
If you knew what we know about you, you’d be surprised about your fate. (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
We soon find ourselves in McHenry, Illinois, as we meet women’s clinic worker Bethany as we see her in church and then at the clinic as she and her friend, played by Janine Garafalo, talk about Bethany’s personal life or rather lack thereof, and Bethany’s beliefs in God. We then find ourselves amid suburbia as we’re introduced to the boss of the triplets that took the old man out, the demon Azrael, played by Jason Lee. Azrael uses the suburban house they’ve taken as their base of operations, then remembers protocol. With our protective deity incapacitated, they will call upon the Last Scion, and Azrael orders his minions to shuffle The Last Scion out of the mortal coil. Here, Bethany’s life takes a turn for the weird as Metatron arrives and takes Bethany to a nearby Mexican restaurant. I will let Metatron explain the situation. (Cut to The Metatron as he explains to Bethany the Situation of Loki being the Angel of Vengeance, and after the tenth plague, he and Bartleby, A Grigori, decide to have a post-slaughter drink and get into a drunk talk about whether killing in the name of God is right, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit and the two are then expelled from Heaven and forced to live in Wisconsin until the end of time and when the world ends they’ll be forced to stay outside the gates of heaven for all eternity. How someone clued the two into finding the Church and the loophole through Catholic Dogma that if the two enter the church that has the plenary indulgence blessing, they will have reversed God’s Decree, and if they do that, they’ll destroy the universe. Bethany’s responses of how when everything has gone wrong in her life where she’s willing to sacrifice the universe because she feels god’s absence. However, the Metatron tells Bethany that she will not be alone if she chooses to go on this journey. She will be blessed with two profits. (Show clip of The Metatron telling Bethany about the two profits. Cut to “Dogma” as James does a voiceover) Okay, so these profits will find her and help her on the journey, and before I forget, there’s a four-day time span for Bethany to stop Loki and Bartleby starting from this point. Before the end of the first day, Bethany is attacked by Azrael’s minions and... (Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
Wait, the one who speaks, and he will at great lengths whether Bethany likes it or not, and the other one is the silent type. And this is a Kevin Smith movie, which means the profits are... (Cut to the movie as “Jay & Silent Bob,” introducing themselves as they beat Azrael’s minions and then introducing themselves to Bethany. Cut to James in the Super Mario Bros. Movie review as the Maw-Ray is about to eat him, Mario and Donkey Kong, and James says, "Of Course!" Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)   

TLOTA (V.O.):  
So yeah, the profits WOULD be Jay and Silent Bob. Bethany asks why Jay and Silent Bob are in Illinois, and according to Jay, it’s about John Hughes and thinking that they could be the 420 connection in Shermer, Illinois. However, they discover that Shermer, Illinois, is fictional. Bethany then asks Jay and Silent Bob to take her to New Jersey meanwhile, Loki decides to ready himself for his personal side adventure to wipe out the people who produce “Mooby, The Golden Calf,” as the two groups hit the road, Loki and Bartleby head west towards their first destination as Bethany’s car breaks down and in a moment of frustration, Bethany decides to walk home when she, Jay and Silent Bob are met by Rufus, the thirteenth apostle, played by Chris Rock. While they return on the road, Azrael’s minions tell their boss that Bethany has found the Profits and the thirteenth apostle has joined their quest. Pissed at this revelation, Azrael decides to bring in the big gun with the Golgothian! While that happens, Rufus tells Bethany, Jay, and Bob who he is and tells us a secret about Bethany and Jay. (Show the clip of Rufus as he tells Bethany’s secret and then Jay’s. Cut to James and The Metatron physically.) 

TLOTA:  
Why does that not surprise me about Jay? (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)   

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Feeling the fraught of the adventure so far, Bethany is up to her eyebrows with so much; Rufus and Bethany forget about Jay and Silent Bob. Thankfully, they quickly meet up at a strip joint where Salma Hayek is enticing the patrons as... WAIT A SECOND?! (Record Scratches as the footage stops) MING CHEN FROM “COMIC BOOK MEN”?! (Cut to James and The Metatron physically.) 

TLOTA: 
Now, I will schedule Reality Checkout to deal with “Comic Book Men,” thanks to that little bit. (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)   

TLOTA (V.O.): 
So after that revelation, we find Bartleby and Loki at the headquarters of “Mooby”’s parent company; we see the members of the board are met by the renegade angels as they condemn the board as Idolators with Bartleby exposing their sins, save for the only woman there who leads a good life. With their sins exposed, Loki puts one last scare into the head of the board until... (Cut to James and the Metatron physically.) 

TLOTA: 
What? 

The Metatron: 
You know what you did, and you based the moment on what happened in the movie in a review you did nearly ten years ago, so play the clip and get it over with.  

TLOTA: 
I was going to! (Cut to the end of The Last Of The Americans’ “Green Hornet” Review as James shouts, “But I do believe in this!” as James pulls out Chudnofsky’s Double Barreled Handgun and the entire TMZ bullpen gets shot to death, starting with the Cameraman then cutting to Rowdy as he says “I do believe in this! What the frack does that mean?” and James shouts over Rowdy’s phone “And one to grow on!” then James picks Karen up, saving her, gives her gum, chides her for not saying “God Bless You” when James sneezed, Rowdy telling James to back off and James angrily walks away saying to Karen “Your ass is so fucking lucky!” Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
Well, to be fair, (Cut to Team TLOTA as they sing “To Be Fair” in the same way as Letterkenny, then back to James and The Metatron.) It was TMZ, so I was doing humanity a favor, which was a fat lot of nothing, as somehow, they survived and decided not to press charges. (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
After that slaughter, we soon meet Salma Hayek’s character, Serendipity the Muse, who was the reason for nineteen of twenty of the highest-grossing movies ever up to 1999. So yeah, those movies we enjoyed were the best until 1999; we have Hayek to thank for, save for “Home Alone.” But there’s a big old pile of poop that is growing in the men’s room as Bethany, The Muse, and Rufus talk about the Catholic Plenary Indulgence belief, how Gender Biased the Bible is, and the fact that Bethany is The Last Scion until The Golgothian finally goes on the attack. Wasting most of the patrons, Silent Bob knocks The Golgothian out with Anti-Stink Spray. The muse decides to interrogate The Golgothian as Bethany, Jay, Silent Bob, and Rufus get back on the road to the Church. Meanwhile, Azrael meets up with Bartleby and Loki, who are about to fly when he tells the two to go incognito while trying to keep them on the ground. After Rufus and Bethany briefly talk about the differences between beliefs and thoughts. Bethany finds Jay and Silent Bob, and YIKES! (Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
I know the line between plot convenience and circumstance is as thin as a hair, but this is even thinner than that! (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Bartleby and Loki, under the guise of Barry and Larry, meet with Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany. Loki fakes taking a hit off Jay’s Joint, and Bartleby and Bethany imbibe and divulge secrets until hearing Bethany’s story about how she must stop both angels. Bartleby slowly starts to go a little cuckoo. Of course, Leave it to Rufus, The Thirteenth Apostle, to add to Bartleby’s anger and madness. Of course, Loki's pimp punching Jay’s Lights out sends Silent Bob on the attack, tossing Loki off the train, then Bartleby, and I swear, I have tried everything to translate whatever the hell Bartleby is saying, and it still sounds like gibberish! (Cut to the clip of Silent Bob grabbing Bartleby; question marks are present as Bartleby speaks as he’s thrown off the train. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) Regrouping, Loki and Bartleby discuss what’s happening and what’s going on with Loki realizing that Bartleby has officially lost it and decides to schlep back to Wisconsin until Bartleby forces Loki to stay on the course. Meanwhile, the secret of why Bethany is the Last Scion and was tapped to go on the crusade is clear. (Show a clip of Rufus as he tells Bethany she is a descendant of Jesus. Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
Of course, she handles this news with the weight and gravitas it deserves... (Show clip of Bethany frustrated and running away from everyone. Cut to James and The Metatron physically.) 

TLOTA: 
Never mind. (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Frustrated and exhausted, Bethany suffers a breakdown. Thankfully, The Metatron comforts her and helps her accept that she is a descendant of Jesus. The Metatron then decides to take everyone to a swanky place nearby. The Metatron then divulges that God assumes a human form and indulges in Skee-Ball once a month. On God’s latest Skee-Ball excursion, someone or something incapacitated God’s human form and kept it biologically still alive, and with all options exhausted, Jay comes up with an idea to convince Cardinal Glick to 86 the ceremony to officially bless the church with the Plenary Indulgence papal sanction. However, their pleas fall on Deaf Ears as the next day comes, which happens to be the day of the blessing. Wondering what their next move should be, everyone knows they must kill the angels. (Cut to James and The Metatron physical.) 

TLOTA:  
Okay, quick question, can an angel be killed, and if so, do they go to a purgatory place? 

The Metatron:  
They can, and when they do, they will be judged for what they have done, and THEN it will be up to God to determine their fate. (James goes, “Hmm.” Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
However, Azrael decides to keep Bethany from doing the job by holding her and the others in the bar as he orders a Holy Bartender. (Show the clip of Azrael mowing down the bartender with bullets as he and his minions hold everyone else hostage as Jay says, “Holy Bartender! That’s a great one!” Cut to James and The Metatron.) 

TLOTA: 
Kind of, but not really! (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Loki and Bartleby soon arrive at a church full of parishioners and are hell-bent on giving them all a guilty judgment, and Officer McGee gets the Zod in “Man Of Steel” treatment, literally! Back at the bar, Azrael explains that he has had it and wants to end it all, all because he didn’t want to fight when Lucifer decided to go against God for the throne in Heaven and was then pushed into hell and after those that, willingly fought with Lucifer was thrown down with them as well as those who wimped out and decided to throw them down with Lucifer. As Azrael continues his pontification about how he’d rather not exist than be a demon and is willing to throw eons of existence down the drain with him, he’s happy to do that. However, the muse silently tells Silent Bob to take Azrael down with a golf club the Cardinal used. As for the triplets? One sink blessed by Bethany, and they are done! (Show clip of “Dogma” as the muse talks about how Bethany has the divine heritage to bless the sink, and Bethany tells Jay and Silent Bob that the Golf Club was blessed by The Cardinal because he uses God for everything and Jay says, “The Whole World Is Against Us Dude, I swear to God!” Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Our heroes make it to the church just as Loki has transubstantiated to human form as Bartleby is purging eons of aggression by taking out the entire parishioners and then as Bartleby lands and lets our heroes know, he is aware of the consequences of his actions. Once Bartleby is human, he will go through the church, and that’s the end of it all. However, Loki, drunk as all get out, decides to stop his former compatriot. He doesn’t do a good job as Bartleby prison shanks Loki. As the others hold Bartleby at bay, Jay proves useful as he tries to get into Bethany and mentions John Doe Jersey, how John Doe Jersey was found on the boardwalk and near a Skee-Ball area, and how close they are to the hospital John Doe Jersey is. Bethany may have put it together; now it’s up to Jay, The Muse, and Rufus to hold Bartleby at bay as Silent Bob takes Bethany to find John Doe Jersey as Jay makes the biggest mistake he would ever make, second only to when he signed away the names “Jay & Silent Bob” to the producers to of a reboot of a movie that was produced by the same people who made “Power Rangers.” (Show clip of Jay shooting the wings off Bartleby as James and The Metatron as they duck as the bullets whiz through everything. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
With the movie now racing towards the finish, Bethany finds John Doe Jersey just in time for Bartleby to reach the doors of the church and God to be released, and yes, in this movie, God is played by Alanis Morrisette, meaning my buddy Rowdy is fuming over this. However, there is one point that I don’t watch, not because I’m not interested, but because if I did... (Cut to James and The Metatron) 

James: 
How did you say What happened to the other five Adams? 

The Metatron: 
Their minds caved in, and their hearts exploded in their chests. My doppelganger is about to tell The Muse and The Apostle what’s about to happen and for The Apostle to tell Jay to bow before God before God does what it must. (Cut to the clip of Rufus telling Jay to Bow down as Bartleby has a cathartic release. The Metatron tells Rufus and The Muse to cover Jay’s ears as God unleashes the power of God’s voice as Bartleby goes boom! Cut to James as he just gets up with his shattered glasses as he takes them off.) 

TLOTA: 
You know your doppelganger says it best when he says, “It never ends!” (James takes off his shattered glasses and then replaces them with the same frame with new lenses. Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Jay is quickly comforted by God after everything he’s had to go through, and after cleaning up the mess Bartleby and Loki had done, she sees Bethany, mostly dead, being carried by Silent Bob and heals her. After that, The Metatron gives Bethany a gift, then welcomes The Muse and Rufus back home, and the movie ends with Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany relaxing after the events of the near end of the world outside the Church. (Cut to James and The Metatron) 

TLOTA: 
And that was “Dogma.” Is it blasphemously sacrilegious? Based on your point of view, the answer is either Yes or no. For me, it is not. Is it funny? Yes. Does the movie deserve to be better seen and recognized? YES. Is it one of the best Kevin Smith made? Yes, but there’s a big reason it isn’t getting recognition. (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
This is what I was waiting for. The reason this review nearly didn’t happen is that the rights to the movie are owned by the devils known as The Weinstein Brothers, and they have refused to allow the movie to be streamed legally; if you find someone putting it up on YouTube, know that it’s a DVD/Blu-Ray rip of it. As Kevin Smith said, “My Movie about Angels is owned by The Devil Himself.” If there are online petitions to give the movie back to Kevin Smith and allow it to be released digitally, put them in the comments section so I can sign them. Otherwise, get the movie at “Jay & Silent Bob’s Secret Stash” in New Jersey. It’s not a condemnation of religion but rather a celebration of it. A reaffirmation that faith is the strongest source of strength, even in man's darkest hour. If you have it, then I suggest you check it out, it is one of the funniest movies I ever seen, and it makes Good Friday even better. (Cut to James and The Metatron.) 

The Metatron: 
Congratulations, you have completed your mission.  

TLOTA: 
Wait what? You wanted me to do what I was going to do to celebrate Kevin Smith.  

The Metatron: 
The more talk about the movie “Dogma,” the more people will rally around Kevin Smith and his cause to bring “Dogma” back from obscurity. I shall see myself out! (The Metatron disappears as James sits there now, mentally contemplating what he’s been through. The scene fades to black as it cuts to James and Julia Alexa Miller as they try to collect their senses in a makeshift hut.) 

James Faraci: 
Damn it, the battery on the watch is so low, I can’t morph and use my powers. I’d been walking for months without remembering anything after what happened in August. I mean, slowly, everything was coming back to me, but whatever that voice was telling me to “Go West,” I had no idea what the reason was, and you were just trapped as a mermaid the whole time.  

Julia Alexa Miller: 
I was trying early on to shed the tail, find you, and get back to normal. I was ambushed by those three... (Julia Alexa Miller groans as a vision of Maritina, Oceana, and Aquafina comes through.) 

Maritina: 
Return to us, Verve! You... 

Oceana: 
Are one... 

Aquafina: 
OF US! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as James supports her.) 

James Faraci: 
What is it? 

Julia Alexa Miller: 
The three of them want me back (Julia Alexa Miller screams in pain and faints into James as the leader of the pod, played by Hannah Frasier, shouts off-screen, “Human! Face me now!” James lays Julia Alexa Miller down on a makeshift cot made of Bamboo.) 

James Faraci: 
Okay, no powers, no plans or backup plans, no friends, nothing left to lose, I guess this is it. (James makeshifts a solar charger for his watch morpher and slowly makes his way towards the coast where the pod resides as the waters surround the leader of the pod “Lacustrine,” played by Hannah Frasier, as she quickly sheds her tail for legs to confront James) 

Lacustrine: 
I am Lacustrine, who are you? (Cut to James) 

James Faraci: 
Well, well, that is the million-dollar question. Who am I? The question we all ask ourselves. I’ve gone by an alter ego calling himself “The Last Of The Americans,” but is that me or who I play for making a brand and using my name as part of that? My name is James, and you can call me that, so I need to know something. Were you the voice in my head telling me to “Go West”? (Cut to Lacustrine) 

Lacustrine: 
Why would I tell anyone to “Go West” only to come here, if I may? (Cut to James) 

James Faraci: 
One moment! (James turns around and notices his Morpher function and watch are twenty-five percent. He turns back and then allows her to look inside his head. Lacustrine does a mind meld as she sees what’s in his head and discovers that he knew only nothing about what her species was like but somehow found himself here.) 

Lacustrine: 
It was her; she brought you here. Emmalina! She brought Verve to us, Alex, according to you. Maritina! Oceana! Aquafina! Come to me.  (Maritina, Oceana and Aquafina join Lacustrine) You told me Verve was a rogue in need of a pod! You lied to me! (Lacustrine disintegrates the three to seafoam, and James is knocked back as James looks at the watch and sees a fifty percent charge.) As for you, James, I give you this, Emmalina wanted to emancipate what she gave you. A test you subconsciously passed.  (Cut to James, who sees his watch is at sixty-five percent charged as he mutters, “I’d only last ten minutes at best.”) 

James Faraci: 
How did I pass? (Cut to Lacustrine) 

Lacustrine: 
You made it here. Now you and Alex, or as I have known her as Verve, can choose to stay together, or she and you can stay together here in what you would consider Paradise. Land for you to hunt and fish enough for your needs. You can stay on the island, and Verve can return to the pod. If you choose to leave, everything you and Alex have been through will be forgotten, and you will return to where you once were. (Julia Alexa Miller walks up to the two, grabs James by the wrist, and kisses James.) 

Julia Alexa Miller: 
We can’t go back to the way things were. The three you just reduced to seafoam have welcomed me to the pod. I found as much as I could enjoy my time with the pod fun, I needed to make a change for myself, and I chose... (Cut to everyone in Rowdy’s tent just as the Ninja Cats have told all the exposition they could.) 

Marzgurl: 
So, let’s get this straight, Rowdy brought you guys to life from a Genie wish, which he freed with his last wish. (Cut to the Ninja Cats as they say, “Yep.” Cut to ERod, The Blockbuster Buster) 

ERod The Blockbuster Buster: 
And you four, fight a mad scientist with a legitimate business making devices of doom. (Cut to the Ninja Cats as they say, “Yep.” Cut to Linkara) 

Linkara: 
And you guys and Rowdy do reviews of TV Shows? (Cut to the Ninja Cats as they say, “Yep.” Cut to Nash Bozard) 

Nash Bozard: 
And this is normal for you? (Cut to the Ninja Cats as they say, “Yep.” Cut to James Daniel Walsh) 

James Daniel Walsh: 
And since you know what is up with Rowdy, James, and Manic-Expression.com, Rowdy asked us for help. You turned him away, and didn’t you say we needed to care for ourselves and help when we needed a helping hand? Yet someone asks you for help, and you give him hell. Does that mentality remind you of someone you guys know? (Cut to Linkara) 

Linkara: 
He and you guys haven’t been through what we have been through. We were lied to, manipulated, forced to do things against our will, and not even compensated. (Cut to James Daniel Walsh) 

James Daniel Walsh: 
AND THAT’S ALL RIGHT TO ACT THE WAY YOU DOTHEN! (Everyone starts to open their mouths, and then they realize they’ve been Jackasses to everyone below them. Cut to Rowdy as he preps an arsenal of weapons, and a ghostly figure comes up behind him, scaring Rowdy) 

Rowdy: 
What’s going on? (The ghostly figure being Kirakennedy as Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy comes before Rowdy) 

Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy: 
I am using the Internet Reviewer Force to contact you about some rather sad news. James and Alex are no more. 

Rowdy: 
Okay, I’m not in a good mood right now, so you best spit out what it is before I find your physical body and break it into a billion pieces! 

Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy: 
Your anger will not help matters; fate has made itself known. James lives, but Alex is now on a different path; she must be without James.  

Rowdy: 
So, it’s over. James will walk alone forever? 

Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy: 
No, he will find hope again; he must wander in the wilderness on his journey. If everything allows, and based on your combined track records, it will be a while before James recovers. He will return, but he won’t be the same. (Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy fades away as Rowdy waves off what transpired and returns to preparing to fight as a one-man fighting squad.)