(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James.)
TLOTA: Ah February, So many things happen in this short yet cold month. We're hit with heavy snow every which way from Sunday thanks to the most hated Groundhog on the second of this month, The Super Bowl which disappointed me and of course the one day every person who is single has to roll their eyes and decide to crawl into a bottle and not come out until the 21st of March. That's right, VALENTINE'S DAY! And with it comes not only a glut of bad Romantic movies on The Hallmark Channel and on certain other channels but a glut of one form of reality show that gets my blood so hot with anger I could boil a pot of water with my forehead!(Cut to clips of Reality Romantic series past and present as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): I have made my thoughts on The Romantic Comedy Movie Genre clear and I stand by the rebukes on the Genre I made to this day and my associate The Rowdy Reviewer has made his rebukes on the Reality TV clear as well and even he admitted in his review on the Reality TV Genre that the romantic reality series which pretty much is all crap and how he could've stocked the entire review on clips from the Reality Romance Genre! Shows like "The Bachelor", "The Bachelorette","Joe Millionaire","Are You The One?", "Average Joe", "For Love Or Money", "The Bachelor Pad", "NeXt","Dating In The Dark" and so many other series have pretty much trivialized everything about trying to fall in love. It's become pretty much for guys looking for love: "Guy sees pretty Girls, Guy sees which ones will be the one who'll give him the least amount of headaches that'll cause boy to cause him to take a trip OFF the Empire State Building, Guy finds that one. Lather, Rinse, Repeat! Or in the case of the Girl looking for love: "Girl is stuck with 1 good looking guy SHE WANTS & a house full of what she thinks are rejects even though those "rejects" would walk buck-naked, barefoot and backwards through all nine levels of Dante's Inferno with a smile on their faces just to get girl, girl slowly but surely tosses rejects out making them feel inferior and thus to feel better take the same trip off the Empire State building the guy from the male version of this idea from the guy's perspective of his romantic failure in this genre, Guy she chose turns out to be a douchebag, she walks away heartbroken and again Lather, Rinse, Repeat" (Cut to clips of Unreal as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): This is what the series "Unreal" with Shiri Appleby and Arielle Kebbel parodies and demolishes the smoke and mirrors of this genre of Reality TV. Every last stupid ounce of this Romantic Reality series formula which is revealed to be more processed than American Cheese. Which makes me question how desperate are the people in this Genre truly are. Have we become so ambivalent to our sense of decency that we'd go out on these things, make gigantic asses of ourselves and hopefully be rewarded with Mr. or Ms. Right? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And you know what? This whole Romantic Reality Genre is really one of the oldest ones in the book! (Cut to clips of "The Dating Game", "Love Connection", "Blind Date" & "Singled Out" and other classic dating shows while James does a Voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Shows like "The Dating Game" worked on blind dating in a unique way. They couldn't see one physically couldn't see one another and had to hope for the best. Which was a formula that worked well when MTV did their own version with "Singled Out" but there was a difference between those shows The Dating Game they had to tell the person about their personality and who they were as human beings. When "Singled Out" did it, they practically dumped a whole Sorority or Fraternity House who were hot yet desperate and threw the poor guy or girl who was in college that wouldn't have touched them with a ten foot pole and basically debase themselves for that date. Which I think may have become the basis of the new generation of this Genre. Then there was a revamp done with the formula BEFORE "Singled Out" with "Love Connection" a Dating series in which three people go for a video date confessional, the audience chooses who they want her to hook up and how the date either was good or if everything they went through was a waste of time. Then there was "Blind Date" which tried to take two people and throw them into a date with often disastrous results! (Cut to James physically as he sighs, grabs a bottle of Aspirin and takes out two of them, swallows them and washes them down with a bottle of Martinelli's Sparkling Cider then sighing)
TLOTA: And just when you think they possibly couldn't go any lower. They seem to find a way to be six inches away from breaking though into China and STILL FIND A WAY TO HIT THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL! (Cut to clips of "Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" and other Romantic Wedding centered Reality series as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):OH YES! THEY ACTUALLY HAVE ROMANTIC REALITY SERIES CENTERED ON MARRIAGE! Shows like "Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionaire?", "Married by America" and others just seem to throw conventions out the window! The premise of this level of hell is simple discovers what goes on with people getting married. But when controversy is thrown into the mix with these type of series makes me realize people who want equal rights to be married has got nothing better to do! Then there is the one series that somehow has found itself to have survived on it's controversy! "Married At First Sight" which throws two people brought together by "Experts" on the day they meet as their wedding day! Now I am not against religious or family traditions or the like that have Arraigned Marriages but at least with that the couple getting married have a bit of history. This series itself just thrives on the "Experts" and their experiments hopefully working and as of this post only two of the couples have tried to stick it out! TWO! Out of nine couples in the three seasons it's been on so far that this series has had TWO out of The NINE COUPLES continue forth. As of this post the couples in this season seem to be joining the four previous couples to be divorced! So the odds are more in favor of me winning a Billion dollar Powerball Lottery, The Cubs winning The World Series and The New York Jets winning The Super Bowl than the couples in this series sticking it out for the long run, that is how bad this whole sham "Experiment" is.(Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: I know I might sound like a curmudgeon but the truth is, I'm not bitter, I'm exhausted from everything I've been through and everything that has had a negative impact on me in my personal life, especially when I have had nothing but bad luck on Valentine's Day and it gets me foaming at the mouth in anger and seeing all these shows hammer in these people who give up their dignity, their self respect, their decency all for the sake of someone who might not give them the time of day after their experience is possibly the WORST THING HUMANITY HAS EVER BROUGHT UPON ITSELF! IF THIS DOESN'T SCREAM WE SHOULD BE WIPED OFF THE MAP! THEN BY GOD, SOMEONE HAS TO DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THIS WHOLE THING NOT JUST CHECKOUT OF TELEVISION BUT CHECKOUT OF EXISTANCE! So I guess it's up to me and my friends. (Cut to a green screened pic of a prison with an electric chair and in the electric chair is a body filled with reality romance series as James, John Santos and Mike Santos dressed as guards.)
Guard (James): Roll on one! (Cut to Eric Kurtzke switching on the electricity to the room before cutting to James) Reality Romance TV you have been condemned to die by a jury of Internet Reviewers sentence imposed by a judge in good standing with the Internet. (John Santos puts a black cloth over the head, James leaves the sponge dry and places it over the black cloth and Mike connects the electrical element) Reality Romance TV electricity shall now pass through your body until you are dead in accordance with Internet law, God have mercy on your soul. (Clock on wall strikes ten as Mike sees something)
Guard (Mike): The Sponge is dry!
Guard (John): James wants it as painful as possible!
Guard (James): ROLL ON TWO! (Eric pulls the switch as Reality Romance TV Screams in pain and agony it cuts to Nick Yaun whooping and hollering like "Wild Bill" in "The Green Mile in a prison cell before cutting to the Reality Romance TV body continue to be in excruciating pain before being ignited with Blue flames and drops dead) KILL IT! (James grabs a fire extinguisher and puts the flames out before cutting to James dressed as normal in his office quarters.)
TLOTA: Now I feel better. Now to watch my usual movies I watch around this time. "Splash" & "Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm". Next time, I'm going after something with Batman's involvement in it that's worse than "Batman & Robin" I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!
Showing posts with label Romance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Romance. Show all posts
Monday, February 8, 2016
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
The Average Guy in "The Modern Guide to Modern Dating"
(Music in the same vein of Donald Duck's opening theme plays in the background James singing throughout the intro "Who has the Average disposition? One guy that's who. Who never puts in his two cents? Who knows that his world makes sense? Who always lives a normal life? Who always seems to never know what's right? Who tells it true in front of a lie? No one! But The Average Guy!" as "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans Presents:" is seen then cuts to a picture of James Faraci with a simple smile on James' face and the words "The Average Guy" is below and cuts to the title card of "The Modern Guide to Modern Dating" then cutting to animation with The Narrator played by Chris Lee Moore doing a voice over)
The Narrator (Voice over): Since the dawn of time immemorial man has wanted to mate with females. In the beginning it was easy for cavemen to look at a mate and clubbing was the only way to go, LITERALLY! But times have changed and since then women have gotten smarter and men have become... (The animated Female clubs the guy) Well suffice to say men have been getting the short end of the stick for centuries! (Animation fades as it cuts to live action where The Average Guy is sitting on his couch feeling sorry for himself eating a box of Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereal while downing a bottle of Ginger Ale while The Narrator continues to do a voice over.)
The Narrator (Voice over): Take for example this poor Average Guy! (The Average Guy Spit takes out his Ginger Ale and the Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereals fly)
The Average Guy: WHAT THE HELL?! Where are you and why are you talking to me?
The Narrator (Off screen): I am The Narrator and I'm going to help you get a date.
The Average Guy: Against my will I suppose.
The Narrator (Off screen): Well I want to show that a guy like you can get a girl like (Show a picture of Lea Michele as The Narrator says her before The Average Guy pushes the picture off screen to the right.)
The Average Guy: Yeah right in my dreams maybe. Attractive people attract Attractive people while Average Guys like me get restraining orders, tazered and hit with mace and pepper spray.
The Narrator (Off screen): Well you can try. Let's start off with the way you approach your attire.
The Average Guy: What's wrong with how I dress?
The Narrator (Off screen): Nothing if you want to portray yourself as a bum!
The Average Guy: HEY!
The Narrator (Off screen): No offense but I took a look inside your closet and HO Boy are you in trouble but let's see if we can get you ready for a night out of speed dating.
The Average Guy: Speed dating? Just throw me into the deep end of the pool infested with sharks why don't ya?
The Narrator (Off screen): Just let's see what you would wear. (Cut to The Average Guy inside the closet)
The Average Guy: HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE?!
The Narrator (Off screen): A Jump cut but enough of all that show me your finest suit. (The Average Guy dresses up into his finest suit.) Wow, you look too professional. Let's eighty six the tie. (Tie blinks off and The Average Guy jumps in surprise.)
The Average Guy: The tie held the suit together.
The Narrator (Off screen): We need you to look your best but not to look like your going to a job interview. (Cut to inside a hotel dining area that's hosting a Speed Dating event where The Average Guy is sitting at a table.) Now when being approached by someone on this event keep you eyes and your expectations open.
The Average Guy: Would you give me a moment's notice before you jump cut me into someplace I'm not ready for?!
The Narrator (Off screen): No! Now when speed dating there is an X amount of time to deal with a variable amount of women. (A female played by Marita Holm from ChiqueGeeks walks towards the table of The Average Guy.) It is important that you stand up and extend your hand to shake her hand and pull out the chair and introduce yourself with subtlety.
The female: My friends call me Mary.
The Average Guy: Well better having your friends call you Mary than...(Cut to The Average Guy slamming the door to his apartment as he comes back looking like Hell and looking up and around.) THANKS JACKASS! I really needed to get comments like "He'll never look like Leonardo DiCaprio not even with enough Plastic Surgery to make Michael Jackson look normal!" or "Not enough booze on the planet to even give him a chance!" And this one I love "DOUSE ME IN NAPALM!"
The Narrator (Off screen): Well let's see where you went wrong. (Rewinds footage to analyze what went wrong.)
The Narrator (Voice over): Let's start with the fact you started off with a VERY inappropriate joke. (Show clip of The Average guy making a bad joke.) That sent the vibe that you were thrown into a bad situation and everyone there made sure to treat you like you were less than how you wanted to be perceived.
The Average Guy (Voice over): Well excuse me for making a joke about myself besides you threw me into this situation.
The Narrator (Voice over): Well you should've asked what drink SHE would've liked instead of one you would've liked and paid.
The Average Guy (Voice over): I'm sorry Alcohol and I don't mix besides I paid for the drinks.
The Narrator (Voice over): Well that led to no one changing their vibes on you. Besides your eating manners weren't Emily Post!
The Average Guy (Voice over): Give me a break! (Cut to The Average Guy in his apartment.)
The Narrator (Off screen): No way besides we're going to try hitting the Bar scene.
The Average Guy: NO WAY! I'm going to stay right here and Stew over everything that went wrong...(Cut to The Average Guy taking a stool in the bar) And there is no way you can make me... (Looks around to see that he's at a bar.) OH SON OF A...
The Narrator (Off screen): The Bar scene should be at least for every one guy there should be at least four women so you're sure to at least have a 25 % of finding a date.
The Average Guy: But a 75% chance of failure.
The Narrator (Off screen): Well it doesn't hurt to try, so go to it. (The Average Guy puts his drink down and begins to speak before the scene cuts to The Average Guy slamming the door to his apartment as he comes back looking like Hell AGAIN and looking up and around.)
The Average Guy: I really hope your next place has good access to easy medical care because I learned my lesson if I have a 25% of finding a date, I have a 100% chance of getting my ass tazered, Maced & Pepper sprayed and threatened with either restraining orders or death! I'm going to check my e-mail and forget this whole thing ever happened. (The Average Guy takes off his now TWICE wrecked suit and gets back into his average clothes to check his e-mail)
The Narrator (Off screen): You can't give up!
The Average Guy: WATCH ME! Hmm, that's odd an E-Mail from a girl.
The Narrator (Off screen): Are you sure? You know the internet has a good policy on fake people.
The Average Guy: That's true but it's worth a shot.
The Narrator (Off screen): Well if you're going to try...(Singsong): and I think it's a mistake! (Normal): I suggest you set everything up.
The Average Guy: That's what I was going to do! In fact, I'm going to need some advice.
The Narrator (Off screen): Well, I'll call the cops while you make a homemade meal.
The Average Guy: You want me to bring my date here?
The Narrator (Off screen): Well (Cut to see a clean apartment) How about now?
The Average Guy: Nice. Okay let's get going. (Cut to a few hours later as there is a knock on the door.)
The Narrator (Off screen): Now when approaching the situation. You must remain calm and collected, remember she is in your territory, everything you do no matter how insignificant will ultimately reflect on...
The Average Guy: OKAY I GET IT! (The Average Guy opens the door to discover a good looking woman played by Rebecca Fonseca)
The Narrator (Off screen): HELLO! (The Narrator runs ON Screen)
The Narrator: Why should you stay here? I've got the ability to Jump cut us to Paris. What do you say? (The Good looking woman looks at her options and looks at The Narrator)
The Good Looking Woman: I say to you (Pointing to The Average Guy and The Average Guy points to himself with an inquisitive look on his face before cutting back to The Good Looking Woman) Au Revoir! And to you (Pointing The Narrator and The Narrator points to himself with an inquisitive look on his face before cutting back to The Good Looking Woman) You and me off to Gaye Paris, Allons-Y!
(The Narrator walks off screen and the two jump cut out. The Average Guy sighs and looks down and sighs and nods to himself as a woman says off-screen "Excuse me" before cutting to see the woman at the door played by Lea Michele at The Average Guy's apartment door.)
The Woman at the door: I overheard a lot of what was going on and I thought maybe if you had gone through so much maybe I could join you for your meal?
(The Average Guy look at himself as to say "Even I'm not that stupid to say no to a woman who is WILLING to at least talk to me.)
The Average Guy: Come on in.
The Narrator (Off Screen): Well sometimes it just comes down to plain old luck.
The Average Guy: SHUT UP! Next time I find you on screen, I'm kicking your ass!
The Woman at the door (Off screen): Who are you talking to?
The Average Guy: No one just myself.
The Woman at the door (Off screen): And you are?
The Average Guy: I'm The Average Guy and that's who I am.
The Narrator (Voice over): Since the dawn of time immemorial man has wanted to mate with females. In the beginning it was easy for cavemen to look at a mate and clubbing was the only way to go, LITERALLY! But times have changed and since then women have gotten smarter and men have become... (The animated Female clubs the guy) Well suffice to say men have been getting the short end of the stick for centuries! (Animation fades as it cuts to live action where The Average Guy is sitting on his couch feeling sorry for himself eating a box of Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereal while downing a bottle of Ginger Ale while The Narrator continues to do a voice over.)
The Narrator (Voice over): Take for example this poor Average Guy! (The Average Guy Spit takes out his Ginger Ale and the Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereals fly)
The Average Guy: WHAT THE HELL?! Where are you and why are you talking to me?
The Narrator (Off screen): I am The Narrator and I'm going to help you get a date.
The Average Guy: Against my will I suppose.
The Narrator (Off screen): Well I want to show that a guy like you can get a girl like (Show a picture of Lea Michele as The Narrator says her before The Average Guy pushes the picture off screen to the right.)
The Average Guy: Yeah right in my dreams maybe. Attractive people attract Attractive people while Average Guys like me get restraining orders, tazered and hit with mace and pepper spray.
The Narrator (Off screen): Well you can try. Let's start off with the way you approach your attire.
The Average Guy: What's wrong with how I dress?
The Narrator (Off screen): Nothing if you want to portray yourself as a bum!
The Average Guy: HEY!
The Narrator (Off screen): No offense but I took a look inside your closet and HO Boy are you in trouble but let's see if we can get you ready for a night out of speed dating.
The Average Guy: Speed dating? Just throw me into the deep end of the pool infested with sharks why don't ya?
The Narrator (Off screen): Just let's see what you would wear. (Cut to The Average Guy inside the closet)
The Average Guy: HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE?!
The Narrator (Off screen): A Jump cut but enough of all that show me your finest suit. (The Average Guy dresses up into his finest suit.) Wow, you look too professional. Let's eighty six the tie. (Tie blinks off and The Average Guy jumps in surprise.)
The Average Guy: The tie held the suit together.
The Narrator (Off screen): We need you to look your best but not to look like your going to a job interview. (Cut to inside a hotel dining area that's hosting a Speed Dating event where The Average Guy is sitting at a table.) Now when being approached by someone on this event keep you eyes and your expectations open.
The Average Guy: Would you give me a moment's notice before you jump cut me into someplace I'm not ready for?!
The Narrator (Off screen): No! Now when speed dating there is an X amount of time to deal with a variable amount of women. (A female played by Marita Holm from ChiqueGeeks walks towards the table of The Average Guy.) It is important that you stand up and extend your hand to shake her hand and pull out the chair and introduce yourself with subtlety.
The female: My friends call me Mary.
The Average Guy: Well better having your friends call you Mary than...(Cut to The Average Guy slamming the door to his apartment as he comes back looking like Hell and looking up and around.) THANKS JACKASS! I really needed to get comments like "He'll never look like Leonardo DiCaprio not even with enough Plastic Surgery to make Michael Jackson look normal!" or "Not enough booze on the planet to even give him a chance!" And this one I love "DOUSE ME IN NAPALM!"
The Narrator (Off screen): Well let's see where you went wrong. (Rewinds footage to analyze what went wrong.)
The Narrator (Voice over): Let's start with the fact you started off with a VERY inappropriate joke. (Show clip of The Average guy making a bad joke.) That sent the vibe that you were thrown into a bad situation and everyone there made sure to treat you like you were less than how you wanted to be perceived.
The Average Guy (Voice over): Well excuse me for making a joke about myself besides you threw me into this situation.
The Narrator (Voice over): Well you should've asked what drink SHE would've liked instead of one you would've liked and paid.
The Average Guy (Voice over): I'm sorry Alcohol and I don't mix besides I paid for the drinks.
The Narrator (Voice over): Well that led to no one changing their vibes on you. Besides your eating manners weren't Emily Post!
The Average Guy (Voice over): Give me a break! (Cut to The Average Guy in his apartment.)
The Narrator (Off screen): No way besides we're going to try hitting the Bar scene.
The Average Guy: NO WAY! I'm going to stay right here and Stew over everything that went wrong...(Cut to The Average Guy taking a stool in the bar) And there is no way you can make me... (Looks around to see that he's at a bar.) OH SON OF A...
The Narrator (Off screen): The Bar scene should be at least for every one guy there should be at least four women so you're sure to at least have a 25 % of finding a date.
The Average Guy: But a 75% chance of failure.
The Narrator (Off screen): Well it doesn't hurt to try, so go to it. (The Average Guy puts his drink down and begins to speak before the scene cuts to The Average Guy slamming the door to his apartment as he comes back looking like Hell AGAIN and looking up and around.)
The Average Guy: I really hope your next place has good access to easy medical care because I learned my lesson if I have a 25% of finding a date, I have a 100% chance of getting my ass tazered, Maced & Pepper sprayed and threatened with either restraining orders or death! I'm going to check my e-mail and forget this whole thing ever happened. (The Average Guy takes off his now TWICE wrecked suit and gets back into his average clothes to check his e-mail)
The Narrator (Off screen): You can't give up!
The Average Guy: WATCH ME! Hmm, that's odd an E-Mail from a girl.
The Narrator (Off screen): Are you sure? You know the internet has a good policy on fake people.
The Average Guy: That's true but it's worth a shot.
The Narrator (Off screen): Well if you're going to try...(Singsong): and I think it's a mistake! (Normal): I suggest you set everything up.
The Average Guy: That's what I was going to do! In fact, I'm going to need some advice.
The Narrator (Off screen): Well, I'll call the cops while you make a homemade meal.
The Average Guy: You want me to bring my date here?
The Narrator (Off screen): Well (Cut to see a clean apartment) How about now?
The Average Guy: Nice. Okay let's get going. (Cut to a few hours later as there is a knock on the door.)
The Narrator (Off screen): Now when approaching the situation. You must remain calm and collected, remember she is in your territory, everything you do no matter how insignificant will ultimately reflect on...
The Average Guy: OKAY I GET IT! (The Average Guy opens the door to discover a good looking woman played by Rebecca Fonseca)
The Narrator (Off screen): HELLO! (The Narrator runs ON Screen)
The Narrator: Why should you stay here? I've got the ability to Jump cut us to Paris. What do you say? (The Good looking woman looks at her options and looks at The Narrator)
The Good Looking Woman: I say to you (Pointing to The Average Guy and The Average Guy points to himself with an inquisitive look on his face before cutting back to The Good Looking Woman) Au Revoir! And to you (Pointing The Narrator and The Narrator points to himself with an inquisitive look on his face before cutting back to The Good Looking Woman) You and me off to Gaye Paris, Allons-Y!
(The Narrator walks off screen and the two jump cut out. The Average Guy sighs and looks down and sighs and nods to himself as a woman says off-screen "Excuse me" before cutting to see the woman at the door played by Lea Michele at The Average Guy's apartment door.)
The Woman at the door: I overheard a lot of what was going on and I thought maybe if you had gone through so much maybe I could join you for your meal?
(The Average Guy look at himself as to say "Even I'm not that stupid to say no to a woman who is WILLING to at least talk to me.)
The Average Guy: Come on in.
The Narrator (Off Screen): Well sometimes it just comes down to plain old luck.
The Average Guy: SHUT UP! Next time I find you on screen, I'm kicking your ass!
The Woman at the door (Off screen): Who are you talking to?
The Average Guy: No one just myself.
The Woman at the door (Off screen): And you are?
The Average Guy: I'm The Average Guy and that's who I am.
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