(Cut to a quiet hunting camp miles outside of upstate New York as James' time device lands and everyone walks out demoralized)
Paulo: So this is "Safe Haven"?
TLOTA (Audio only): Yep. There's plenty of Bedrooms, no running water but there are outhouses. We have a Kitchen straight out of a restaurant, billiards table, generator, Satellite Television and VHS/DVD Combo, No phone signal or Internet at all but there are more amenities in my time device. So we should be safe for a while, After a couple of days, we prepare.
Film Brain: For what exactly?
Mike J: What do you think Spotted Dick? James' government has declared war and we're the target
Benzaie: Well at least if we decide to surrender I'll do so quickly.
Luke: Benzaie? Shove it!
Comic Strip Critic: It looks like a hunting camp.
TLOTA: It is. And yes we can tap into the power from the time device but it could alert anyone to our whereabouts so for now let's play it safe and oh before I forget there's one bedroom that belongs to the guy who actually runs the camp.
Marzgurl: We can't go in that one.
TLOTA: Yep. Okay everyone settle in. (Cut to later in the day towards the night.)
TLOTA (Audio only as he is carrying a tray of food.): I know you're all used to a certain way of eating but right now it's a moot point what I have on the tray is what we're eating. (Cut to everyone reacting to the tray of meat.)
Lea Michele: That looks like a lot of meat and any guy here says "That's what she said" I will Bobbit-ize you! Comprende? (Every guy crosses their legs in fear and say Comprendo. Before cutting to James at the end of the table.)
TLOTA: Good, now let's all bow our heads. (Everyone bows their head) Father we are grateful to still be together and alive and I pray your light will help us survive the darkness. In your name and your son's name we pray. Amen. (Everyone at the table says Amen and grabs a bite to eat before cutting to Paw awake and outside to see the sunrise.)
Elisa: So that's where my men are.
Paw: Hi pookie, So how have you been doing? It feels like it takes forever for the sun to rise in our apartment. Here it's up and out at like Five in the morning and it feels so good to see it this early. (The sun rises as Paw puts a pair of Sunglasses on Baby Grey as all three see the sun rise and James walks over.)
TLOTA: I take it you're thinking about doing something different like say find a nice quiet place after this and try to restart everything up here away from the stress and the crazy of the life of the city. Why do you think I do a review and editorial/mini-review once a month. This vocation is a cluster of insanity, I need what you have.
Paw: What's that?
TLOTA: This (Pointing to Elisa and Grey) A wife, a child, a little place of my own and a job I love to do. But I don't I have that, because I am "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans" and my job is to express not only my thoughts but so many and it's difficult to have the balance you have. But a part of me but the rest I still want but now the question is When?
Paw: If you want it, it'll come to you when it wants to.
TLOTA: Thanks, The advice makes no sense but I appreciate it, we've got to get training, come on let's get going. (All of them walk down as the sun rises and then cuts to everyone training in a montage similar to the first live action "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie before cutting to James rubbing Lea's Shoulders)
Lea Michele: You know for someone as big as you are your hands are so good at this.
TLOTA: Thanks.
Lea Michele: You know something. If we survive this, do you think we might try living together before we take that dive?
TLOTA: Lea...(Paulo coughs off screen then jumps on to the couch next to the two.)
Paulo: Mind if I relax a bit?
TLOTA: It's a free country while it still can be one. You know something. I have to ask you something.
Paulo: Like you said, it's a free country while it still can be one.
TLOTA: When I screamed at you, I was trying to sacrifice myself so you guys could get a chance to survive.
Paulo: But it was against our honor code we have as citizens of Sullivan County to leave one of our own. We're bound to stand by each other and our county. We are bound by blood, bound by heart and soul and we are bound to live and die for Sullivan County.
TLOTA: Okay dude, now you're starting to cross the line. You can question my sanity, my intelligence, my health but never question my loyalty to Sullivan County.
Paulo: You're right. (Paulo turns on the TV News as the news reporter played by Carey Denise Moore)
News reporter: And in political news The Internet Protection Act is being fast tracked especially when Senator Michaud was seen outside of what appeared to be a destroyed safe house for internet based terrorists....(Cut to James standing up)
TLOTA: "SAFE HOUSE FOR INTERNET BASED TERRORISTS" MY ASS! IT'S THE STUDIO!
(Cut to Senator Michaud on the television)
Senator Michaud: My fellow Americans, this is a reason why people like you and I deserve a better internet, an internet without these terrorists like the one called "Rowdy" or "Linkara" and.... (Cut to James, Lea & Paulo looking on and listening in as the audio continues.)
Senator Michaud (Audio only): It is clear that while they exist, they threaten our way of life. So it is with a heavy heart that I...(James grabs the remote and shuts off the Television)
TLOTA: EVERYONE PACK UP!
Eric: What's up?!
TLOTA: We're heading back.
John Santos: Why?
TLOTA: Senator Michaud has forced our hand. I'm not going to let him get the win. (Everyone who stayed at the camp flood the Time Device.) ORAC! Open communications to Comicron One.
Linkara (Audio only): Linkara here.
TLOTA: Linkara, get Comicron One to the Studio.
Linkara (Audio Only): A bit of a problem. The Gellar is attacking me!
TLOTA: What?! (Cut to the interior of Comicron one slightly battle damaged)
Linkara: Yeah I don't what's going on over there but we're under attack. I've got a feeling it's Jackula on a Sugar rush. (Cut to the inside of James' time device)
TLOTA: I doubt it, Patch me to Jamietud. Jamietud can you hear me?(Cut to the interior of Comicron one slightly battle damaged)
Jamietud: Yeah dude what's up?
TLOTA (Audio only): Did you do the analysis I asked for you?
Jamietud: Yep. I found the connection and I came up with a way to break it.
TLOTA (Audio only): Send it to Rowdy.
Jamietud: I tried but he's not responding.
TLOTA (Audio only): Hang on. (Cut to James and everyone else physically.)
TLOTA: Help is on it's way.
TO BE CONTINUED
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Monday, June 29, 2015
The End Of Mankind Part Five
(Scene starts at E-Rod's apartment in front of E-Rod's Fridge and Nerdlinger walks in.)
Nerdlinger: I hope E-Rod don't mind if I take a drink. (E-Rod lands on Nerdlinger and the two get up and shake off what happened.) E-Rod! What are you doing in the fridge?
E-Rod: Well, I figure hey it's Florida, it's warm. I'd chill out in the fridge. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WAS DOING IN THERE?!
Nerdlinger: Staying cool?! (E-Rod ughs then sighs!)
E-Rod: I can't stay mad at you. JARVIS, What's going on?
JARVIS: The Last Of The Americans accidentally teleported Lazarus Dark and has tasked him into studying A Paradox Rift. Lazarus has taken the ship
E-Rod: WHAT? The shit just hit the fan. Sorry about cursing in front of you Nerdlinger.
Nerdlinger: Oh I'm used to you using saying bad words. Here I thought you might need this(Nerdlinger hands the actual Blockbuster Buster hammer to E-Rod and transforms into "The Blockbuster Buster")
Blockbuster Buster: JARVIS Send me to Omega Coordinates.
JARVIS: SIR?! Omega Coordinates are only to be used in case...
Blockbuster Buster: ...Of an emergency and the end of the world should qualify. Wish me luck Nerdlinger, cause I'm gonna need it! Allons-Y! (E-Rod teleports away before cutting to a black screen with James' message of "The Base has been compromised. Send no reply. Stay hidden. Send no reply. Our saboteur has jumped the gun and now we've got to go to our end game. Send no reply. Do Not Go Home, repeat Do Not Go Home. Send No reply" while seeing Linkara in his Captain's Chair sitting in sadness and then cut to several others just with sad looks on their faces as well as everyone else in E-Rod's ship getting sad except for Lazarus who sits in his Captain's chair with a grin on his face before cutting back to Linkara dressed as a Captain in Star Trek with a heavy sadness on his face.)
Linkara: Nimue open communications to E-Rod's Ship and to all decks on Comicron-One.
Nimue: Channels open.
Linkara (Audio only as scenes of everyone listening are seen.): As of this moment we're now fighting for our survival. As for our exploratory mission, I am in charge. The remaining power of command now goes to the Nostalgia Critic. We trust ourselves and no one else. To all who we associate ourselves with, if you are truly loyal then heaven help you because for as much as we trust you it is with profound sadness to tell you this but we cannot help you out of this situation. Linkara out. (Shuts off communication then cuts to The Nostalgia Critic in the hallway as The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball onto a wall before Hyper Fan Girl catches it.)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Hey how am I holding up? (Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)
Nostalgia Critic: Well considering I marry someone I tortured for the sake of my reviews and the world is on the brink, I'd have to say I'm hanging on to sanity by it's fumes. Which makes no sense in the grand scheme of things.(The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Trust me when I say things don't make sense anymore do you think I'd want to be stuck inside Hyper Fan Girl?(Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)
Nostalgia Critic: Point taken. But it just seems I'd find someone else. As far as I know the future isn't set in stone yet.(The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): That's true. Who knows if things work out, you might wind up with Hyper or a pretty good woman.(Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)
Nostalgia Critic: I just want to avoid being in an apocalypse where my colleagues and the few friends I have die because of what I do.(The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Well You and I know that Ma-Ti's death wasn't your fault but the fact remains that you and I blame the fact if we didn't drive him off into stupid things like say The Goat porn he'd still be around.(Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)
Nostalgia Critic: That's true. (The Two converse some more as their audio is slowly muted as Rowdy bumps into Alex DeCourville.)
Rowdy: Hey Alex, can I have a word with you in private?
Alex DeCourville: Sure thing. (Cut to the two in the "Engine Room")
Rowdy: I think something is up with E-Rod. Either it's not really him or someone has him under a spell either way don't follow his instructions.
Alex DeCourville: And if say someone like the Critic disappears or Count Jackula drops dead we'll know it was him or say someone got pissed off and dropped Jackula like a bad habit.
Rowdy: Listen all I know now is that James knows the person leading us isn't E-Rod.
Alex DeCourvile: How do you know that?
Rowdy: James told me in private that E-Rod told him that E-Rod renamed the Exit Strategy to The Gellar.
Alex DeCourville: So what do we do?
TLOTA: James gave me a private communication code to Jamietud. I've already told him what's going down and I hope he tells Linkara. (Cut to Jamietud keeping an eye onthe energy readings from the Rift )
Jamietud: Jamietud to Linkara, Come in Linkara. (Cut to Linkara in the Cockpit of Comicron One)
Linkara: You're coming in loud and clear. (Cut to Jamietud)
Jamietud: The energy is stable but according to Chris Stuckmann there's audio coming in. (Cut to Linkara)
Linkara: Let me connect to E-Rod and then we'll all listen. (Cut to E-Rod's ship as audio of James and everyone's voice saying things and then everyone listening.)
TO BE CONTINUED
Nerdlinger: I hope E-Rod don't mind if I take a drink. (E-Rod lands on Nerdlinger and the two get up and shake off what happened.) E-Rod! What are you doing in the fridge?
E-Rod: Well, I figure hey it's Florida, it's warm. I'd chill out in the fridge. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WAS DOING IN THERE?!
Nerdlinger: Staying cool?! (E-Rod ughs then sighs!)
E-Rod: I can't stay mad at you. JARVIS, What's going on?
JARVIS: The Last Of The Americans accidentally teleported Lazarus Dark and has tasked him into studying A Paradox Rift. Lazarus has taken the ship
E-Rod: WHAT? The shit just hit the fan. Sorry about cursing in front of you Nerdlinger.
Nerdlinger: Oh I'm used to you using saying bad words. Here I thought you might need this(Nerdlinger hands the actual Blockbuster Buster hammer to E-Rod and transforms into "The Blockbuster Buster")
Blockbuster Buster: JARVIS Send me to Omega Coordinates.
JARVIS: SIR?! Omega Coordinates are only to be used in case...
Blockbuster Buster: ...Of an emergency and the end of the world should qualify. Wish me luck Nerdlinger, cause I'm gonna need it! Allons-Y! (E-Rod teleports away before cutting to a black screen with James' message of "The Base has been compromised. Send no reply. Stay hidden. Send no reply. Our saboteur has jumped the gun and now we've got to go to our end game. Send no reply. Do Not Go Home, repeat Do Not Go Home. Send No reply" while seeing Linkara in his Captain's Chair sitting in sadness and then cut to several others just with sad looks on their faces as well as everyone else in E-Rod's ship getting sad except for Lazarus who sits in his Captain's chair with a grin on his face before cutting back to Linkara dressed as a Captain in Star Trek with a heavy sadness on his face.)
Linkara: Nimue open communications to E-Rod's Ship and to all decks on Comicron-One.
Nimue: Channels open.
Linkara (Audio only as scenes of everyone listening are seen.): As of this moment we're now fighting for our survival. As for our exploratory mission, I am in charge. The remaining power of command now goes to the Nostalgia Critic. We trust ourselves and no one else. To all who we associate ourselves with, if you are truly loyal then heaven help you because for as much as we trust you it is with profound sadness to tell you this but we cannot help you out of this situation. Linkara out. (Shuts off communication then cuts to The Nostalgia Critic in the hallway as The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball onto a wall before Hyper Fan Girl catches it.)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Hey how am I holding up? (Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)
Nostalgia Critic: Well considering I marry someone I tortured for the sake of my reviews and the world is on the brink, I'd have to say I'm hanging on to sanity by it's fumes. Which makes no sense in the grand scheme of things.(The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Trust me when I say things don't make sense anymore do you think I'd want to be stuck inside Hyper Fan Girl?(Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)
Nostalgia Critic: Point taken. But it just seems I'd find someone else. As far as I know the future isn't set in stone yet.(The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): That's true. Who knows if things work out, you might wind up with Hyper or a pretty good woman.(Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)
Nostalgia Critic: I just want to avoid being in an apocalypse where my colleagues and the few friends I have die because of what I do.(The Nostalgia Critic tosses a ball to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Well You and I know that Ma-Ti's death wasn't your fault but the fact remains that you and I blame the fact if we didn't drive him off into stupid things like say The Goat porn he'd still be around.(Hyper Fan Girl tosses the ball to The Nostalgia Critic)
Nostalgia Critic: That's true. (The Two converse some more as their audio is slowly muted as Rowdy bumps into Alex DeCourville.)
Rowdy: Hey Alex, can I have a word with you in private?
Alex DeCourville: Sure thing. (Cut to the two in the "Engine Room")
Rowdy: I think something is up with E-Rod. Either it's not really him or someone has him under a spell either way don't follow his instructions.
Alex DeCourville: And if say someone like the Critic disappears or Count Jackula drops dead we'll know it was him or say someone got pissed off and dropped Jackula like a bad habit.
Rowdy: Listen all I know now is that James knows the person leading us isn't E-Rod.
Alex DeCourvile: How do you know that?
Rowdy: James told me in private that E-Rod told him that E-Rod renamed the Exit Strategy to The Gellar.
Alex DeCourville: So what do we do?
TLOTA: James gave me a private communication code to Jamietud. I've already told him what's going down and I hope he tells Linkara. (Cut to Jamietud keeping an eye onthe energy readings from the Rift )
Jamietud: Jamietud to Linkara, Come in Linkara. (Cut to Linkara in the Cockpit of Comicron One)
Linkara: You're coming in loud and clear. (Cut to Jamietud)
Jamietud: The energy is stable but according to Chris Stuckmann there's audio coming in. (Cut to Linkara)
Linkara: Let me connect to E-Rod and then we'll all listen. (Cut to E-Rod's ship as audio of James and everyone's voice saying things and then everyone listening.)
TO BE CONTINUED
Sunday, June 28, 2015
The End Of Mankind Part Four
(Scene starts two days later as Senator Michaud gets wind that his plans are close to being foiled and angered to no end.)
Senator Michaud: Intern, The number for the infiltrator, NOW (Cut to everyone just waiting around having a bite to eat and bored to death.)
Todd In The Shadows: You're Count Jackula aren't you?
Count Jackula: Yep. Got any horror movies?
Todd In The Shadows: Nope. Got any Pop songs that make me angry?
Count Jackula: Do I look like I'm into pop songs?
Todd In The Shadows: Touche. (Cut to Paw and Elisa changing Baby Grey's Diaper when the smell of it knocks out Benzaie, Eric Kurtzke, Jamietud, Alex DeCourville, Spoony, Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Linkara, Malcolm & Tamara as they walk past the two before Lea Michele walks by.)
Lea Michele: Geez what do you feed your kid? Wait a second? I've seen you before. Haven't I?
Elisa Hanson-Schuler: Well maybe?
Lea Michele: No, no, no, you dress up like a Victorian Stevie Nicks?
Elisa Hanson-Schuler: Well on occasion.
Lea Michele: And then you review Vampire movies and merchandise.
Paw: Look I'm sure my wife is someone you think she is but right now we're busy taking care of our son and he's fidgeting while I'm trying to get the ointment on his tuchus so he doesn't chafe. So if you don't mind PISS OFF!
Lea Michele: What got into you? I was just inquiring if she was the same person that tormented my boyfriend last October. (Lea Michele walks off in a huff.)
Elisa: You came off a bit too strong.
Paw: Well between trying to take care of our son and fans wanted to see "Music Movies" return and now all this. I'm trying to stay sane in an insane world and the pressure can make people a little snappy. (Cut to Linkara contacting Comicron-One and Nimue)
Linkara: Nimue any changes to the Paradox rift?
Nimue (Audio only): Currently everything appears to be stable.
Linkara: Well if anything changes, let me be the first to know.
(James walks up to Linkara)
TLOTA: Good thinking as a matter of fact I need you and a team to examine the Paradox Rift. Bring E-Rod with you.
Linkara: Okay Snob, Stuckmann, Jamietud, Todd, C.R..Adorkable Rachel, Handsome Tom & 8-Bit Mickey. I need you on board Comicron-One with me to observe the Rift. E-Rod I need you as well.
TLOTA: Take the Exit Strategy as backup also bring with you Count Jackula, Alex DeCourville, Rowdy & Suede with you.
Lazarus Dark (Disguised as E-Rod): Sure thing.
TLOTA: Excellent. Rowdy a word with you in Private!
Count Jackula: Oh Cool I get to fly in a spaceship, I'll fire lasers and be as bad ass as I am!
TLOTA: Okay everyone good luck. Right now E-Rod & Linkara will be keeping an eye on the Rift.
Hyper Fan Girl (C) (Audio only): Excuse me! (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl Physically walking towards James)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): I'd like to help out too.
TLOTA: Am I talking to Fan Girl or "Critic" now?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Both
TLOTA: That makes no sense.
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Of course, it's not supposed to make sense.
TLOTA: Fine, Go with E-Rod on board The Exit Strategy.
Nostalgia Critic: Wait a second, where she goes I have to follow.
TLOTA: For obvious reasons. Take care. You two will report to me on the hour every hour possible.
Linkara: You got it!
Lazarus Dark (Disguised as E-Rod): I'll report to you myself.
TLOTA: Thanks. Everybody ready? (Linkara and his team give James the Thumbs Up as does Lazarus and his team.) Good luck. (Both teams teleport to their respective ships.)
The Cartoon Hero: Anything you need us for?
TLOTA: As a matter of fact I do. I need you, Paulo, Rebecca and John Santos to find Senator Michaud. He's supporting this "Internet Protection Act and I need...(An explosive device explodes outside James' office building.) ORAC! Report!
ORAC: Someone has blasted through the shielding.
TLOTA: We have been compromised something tells me the Saboteur isn't playing around. Jeannie get the rest of us to Chicago. Specifically The Nostalgia Critic's studio. Wait, I can't forget ORAC! (James runs as he encounters a group of soldiers without faces ready to gun him down before he is rescued by a fleet of Caliverterian Soldiers coming in from behind them and he decides to stand with them and summons The Sword Of Caliverti, The Ring of Aeon, Emmalina's Locket and the Gem From The Gauntlet Malachite's Hand before cutting to James looking in the backroom.)
TLOTA: JEANNIE! BLINK TO ORAC, GRAB IT AND GET EVERYONE ELSE OUT, NOW!
Jeannie: But what will happen to you James, friend of my master.
TLOTA: It doesn't matter, They're the key to stopping this. Get out. NOW!
Rebecca: James don't.
Paulo: Wait, I've got an idea. (Cut to all that remains running into James' time device.)
Paulo: ORAC! Rescue plan Delta.
ORAC: He may not like it.
Paulo: Just do it. (Cut to Rebecca and Paulo grabbing the Keys to activate the time device and inserting them into the slots to turn them before cutting to James and the Caliverterian Soldiers jumping over a dead faceless soldier just for the ability taking out ten of the faceless soldiers when the open door to James' time device swallows all of them up as the door closes and the time device flies off then cutting to James walking to the main console to drop Paulo like a bad habit)
TLOTA: DAMN IT PAULO! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME BEHIND!
Paulo: No way, we're are Sullivan loyal. We never leave one of our own behind. (James takes a calming breath)
TLOTA: You're right. I'm sorry. Setting coordinates for "Safe Haven" ORAC! Send a message. "The Base has been compromised. Send no reply. Stay hidden. Send no reply. Our saboteur has jumped the gun and now we've got to go to our end game. Send no reply Do Not Go Home, Repeat Do Not Go Home Send no reply." (Scene cuts to James' time device flying in the sky before fading to black)
TO BE CONTINUED
Senator Michaud: Intern, The number for the infiltrator, NOW (Cut to everyone just waiting around having a bite to eat and bored to death.)
Todd In The Shadows: You're Count Jackula aren't you?
Count Jackula: Yep. Got any horror movies?
Todd In The Shadows: Nope. Got any Pop songs that make me angry?
Count Jackula: Do I look like I'm into pop songs?
Todd In The Shadows: Touche. (Cut to Paw and Elisa changing Baby Grey's Diaper when the smell of it knocks out Benzaie, Eric Kurtzke, Jamietud, Alex DeCourville, Spoony, Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Linkara, Malcolm & Tamara as they walk past the two before Lea Michele walks by.)
Lea Michele: Geez what do you feed your kid? Wait a second? I've seen you before. Haven't I?
Elisa Hanson-Schuler: Well maybe?
Lea Michele: No, no, no, you dress up like a Victorian Stevie Nicks?
Elisa Hanson-Schuler: Well on occasion.
Lea Michele: And then you review Vampire movies and merchandise.
Paw: Look I'm sure my wife is someone you think she is but right now we're busy taking care of our son and he's fidgeting while I'm trying to get the ointment on his tuchus so he doesn't chafe. So if you don't mind PISS OFF!
Lea Michele: What got into you? I was just inquiring if she was the same person that tormented my boyfriend last October. (Lea Michele walks off in a huff.)
Elisa: You came off a bit too strong.
Paw: Well between trying to take care of our son and fans wanted to see "Music Movies" return and now all this. I'm trying to stay sane in an insane world and the pressure can make people a little snappy. (Cut to Linkara contacting Comicron-One and Nimue)
Linkara: Nimue any changes to the Paradox rift?
Nimue (Audio only): Currently everything appears to be stable.
Linkara: Well if anything changes, let me be the first to know.
(James walks up to Linkara)
TLOTA: Good thinking as a matter of fact I need you and a team to examine the Paradox Rift. Bring E-Rod with you.
Linkara: Okay Snob, Stuckmann, Jamietud, Todd, C.R..Adorkable Rachel, Handsome Tom & 8-Bit Mickey. I need you on board Comicron-One with me to observe the Rift. E-Rod I need you as well.
TLOTA: Take the Exit Strategy as backup also bring with you Count Jackula, Alex DeCourville, Rowdy & Suede with you.
Lazarus Dark (Disguised as E-Rod): Sure thing.
TLOTA: Excellent. Rowdy a word with you in Private!
Count Jackula: Oh Cool I get to fly in a spaceship, I'll fire lasers and be as bad ass as I am!
TLOTA: Okay everyone good luck. Right now E-Rod & Linkara will be keeping an eye on the Rift.
Hyper Fan Girl (C) (Audio only): Excuse me! (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl Physically walking towards James)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): I'd like to help out too.
TLOTA: Am I talking to Fan Girl or "Critic" now?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Both
TLOTA: That makes no sense.
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Of course, it's not supposed to make sense.
TLOTA: Fine, Go with E-Rod on board The Exit Strategy.
Nostalgia Critic: Wait a second, where she goes I have to follow.
TLOTA: For obvious reasons. Take care. You two will report to me on the hour every hour possible.
Linkara: You got it!
Lazarus Dark (Disguised as E-Rod): I'll report to you myself.
TLOTA: Thanks. Everybody ready? (Linkara and his team give James the Thumbs Up as does Lazarus and his team.) Good luck. (Both teams teleport to their respective ships.)
The Cartoon Hero: Anything you need us for?
TLOTA: As a matter of fact I do. I need you, Paulo, Rebecca and John Santos to find Senator Michaud. He's supporting this "Internet Protection Act and I need...(An explosive device explodes outside James' office building.) ORAC! Report!
ORAC: Someone has blasted through the shielding.
TLOTA: We have been compromised something tells me the Saboteur isn't playing around. Jeannie get the rest of us to Chicago. Specifically The Nostalgia Critic's studio. Wait, I can't forget ORAC! (James runs as he encounters a group of soldiers without faces ready to gun him down before he is rescued by a fleet of Caliverterian Soldiers coming in from behind them and he decides to stand with them and summons The Sword Of Caliverti, The Ring of Aeon, Emmalina's Locket and the Gem From The Gauntlet Malachite's Hand before cutting to James looking in the backroom.)
TLOTA: JEANNIE! BLINK TO ORAC, GRAB IT AND GET EVERYONE ELSE OUT, NOW!
Jeannie: But what will happen to you James, friend of my master.
TLOTA: It doesn't matter, They're the key to stopping this. Get out. NOW!
Rebecca: James don't.
Paulo: Wait, I've got an idea. (Cut to all that remains running into James' time device.)
Paulo: ORAC! Rescue plan Delta.
ORAC: He may not like it.
Paulo: Just do it. (Cut to Rebecca and Paulo grabbing the Keys to activate the time device and inserting them into the slots to turn them before cutting to James and the Caliverterian Soldiers jumping over a dead faceless soldier just for the ability taking out ten of the faceless soldiers when the open door to James' time device swallows all of them up as the door closes and the time device flies off then cutting to James walking to the main console to drop Paulo like a bad habit)
TLOTA: DAMN IT PAULO! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME BEHIND!
Paulo: No way, we're are Sullivan loyal. We never leave one of our own behind. (James takes a calming breath)
TLOTA: You're right. I'm sorry. Setting coordinates for "Safe Haven" ORAC! Send a message. "The Base has been compromised. Send no reply. Stay hidden. Send no reply. Our saboteur has jumped the gun and now we've got to go to our end game. Send no reply Do Not Go Home, Repeat Do Not Go Home Send no reply." (Scene cuts to James' time device flying in the sky before fading to black)
TO BE CONTINUED
Friday, June 26, 2015
The End Of Mankind Part Three
(Scene starts in Linkara's apartment as he hums his theme song when Jeannie played by Lauren Biggan blinks in)
Jeannie: Hello, you're the friend of my master called Rowdy. (Linkara jumps back in surprise)
Linkara: You are...?
Jeannie: Jeannie
Linkara: Jeannie as in magical creature that grants three wishes Genie? That type of Genie?
Jeannie: That is correct and he and another mutual friend of his needs your ship. Well more specifically your teleportation device to bring them all to these coordinates. (Jeannie hands Linkara a slip of paper before cutting to see Film Brain and Mike J working out the kinks in a crossover before being cross wipe faded away. Then cut to E-Rod's apartment as Lazarus is being cross wipe faded away. Then cutting to The Nostalgia Critic coming in and going through his daily ritual of looking at the empty coffee cup and a picture of Ma-Ti and shedding a tear for his fallen friend before cutting to Malcolm and Tamara waiting in the backroom of the Critic's studio.)
Malcolm: Hey Critic Why do you that...( Malcolm and Tamara are cross wipe faded away before cutting to The Nostalgia Critic)
Nostalgia Critic: Can't I still regret the actions that killed someone who I abused and should've treated well while he was still alive. Malcolm? Tamara? (Nostalgia Critic feels a tingle in him) What's going on?
(Nostalgia Critic shouts "Whoa! Dwah!" as he is cross wipe faded away before cutting to see The Nostalgia Critic, Malcolm and Tamara in a room with Rowdy, Count Jackula, Handsome Tom & 8-Bit Mickey, The Cartoon Hero, The Comic Strip Critic, Marzgurl, Adorkable Rachel, Todd in The Shadows, Angry Joe, Benzaie, Paw & Elisa, Spoony, C.R., Alex DeCourville, Suede, Chris Stuckmann, Luke Mochrie, Cinema Snob, Linkara and The Nostalgia Critic working his way to the front of the crowd as the camera turns to see everyone in Team "The Last of The Americans" and Lea Michele.)
TLOTA: Welcome everyone. (Cut to an office where Senator Michaud played by Rob Walker sits and watches The Nostalgia Critic slamming "The Haunted Mansion" starring Eddie Murphy and Senator Michaud getting angry when an intern played by Rachel Herrick walks in)
Intern: Senator Michaud, I've gotten word that our inside man has infiltrated his duplicate's home and is working on destroying everything.
Michaud: Excellent.
Intern: Are we going too far. I mean one of them have made a B-Level movie that people really like.
Michaud: Oh my dear intern. They control so much already. We're just returning things to the way they used to be. We'll be doing humanity a favor. Why don't you do me a favor and get me a copy of Fishtales from Amazon. (Cut to everyone standing there not believing James)
TLOTA: I know no one here has a reason to either trust or believe me. I hardly believe it myself. But ORAC confirms it. There is a Rift that's slowly destroying all of time and somehow it's connected to the fact that Nostalgia Critic's future temporal energies now reside in Hyper Fan Girl.
Jamietud: Color me skeptical but we need proof.
TLOTA: Exactly why I hotwired the Dream Amplifier and a projector to ORAC in order to project what happened and maybe we can see what happened. Are you ready Critic?
Nostalgia Critic: NO WAY AM I...!
TLOTA: Not you I mean the Critic that's not you but the you that is....
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Oh for the love of Peat Moss. (Hyper Fan Girl angrily walks over and puts the helmet.) Alright ORAC show them what's inside of my noggin! (A grunt of pain is heard as the device is activated and a hologram of "Critic" played by Barney Walker is seen)
"Critic": If you don't recognize me than allow me to introduce myself. Hello I'm The Nostalgia Critic and I remember it so you don't have to. (The Nostalgia Critic's jaw drops as Tamara and Malcolm snicker)
Malcolm: Wow you let yourself go
"Critic" (Audio only): And if my future wife and friend are snickering at how I look...(Cut to the hologram of "Critic")
"Critic": Allow me to show you how you'll be in forty years. (Holographic pics of Malcolm & Tamara played by Fard Muhammad and Sandy Walker are shown as Tamara and Malcolm joining The Nostalgia Critic in their Jaws being dropped.)
"Critic" (Audio only): Now if I have everyone's attention allow me to show you what will happen if the future is not stopped. (Cut to a black screen before showing a decimated city and other images of a Post Apocalyptic world while "Critic" does a voiceover.)
"Critic" (Voiceover): As you can see, the world we knew has been decimated. Internet reviewers have been considered public enemy Number one and most of those who were and are associated with that profession are now lying in unmarked graves. It all started when one of our own went rouge. It was that one that sided with all that we were against that caused a civil war. Those of us who were friends became enemies. Those who we had minor disagreements in certain areas with became battle cries to destroy each other not only on-line but in real life as well eventually every Government united in our destruction. However in their own hubris they trusted the same one who betrayed us to lead the battle. The one was able to unite them and now rules with an iron fist and those who oppose him are thrown out of time and space into The Paradox Rift. Those who would've lived and those who didn't now reside. I felt a measure of responsibility, So I decided to do what I had to do and I went back in time, though I didn't end up where I wanted to but I'm making with what I have (Cut to the hologram of "Critic"). Now that you're here you must find the one who will betray us. Good Luck. (The Hologram shuts off and cuts to James)
TLOTA: So which one of us becomes our Judas, our Brutus and our Benedict Arnold.
Lazarus Dark (Disguised as E-Rod): Well I say we not wait and find the traitor.
TLOTA: Steady there will be plenty of time he or she will reveal herself soon. I can feel it, but for now we've got a Paradox rift to contain if not stop while trying to stop our Governments from crucifying us and of course stop the mad men with dreams of world domination. We can't split up for any reason, not yet anyways. So the question now is "Where do we start?"
TO BE CONTINUED
Jeannie: Hello, you're the friend of my master called Rowdy. (Linkara jumps back in surprise)
Linkara: You are...?
Jeannie: Jeannie
Linkara: Jeannie as in magical creature that grants three wishes Genie? That type of Genie?
Jeannie: That is correct and he and another mutual friend of his needs your ship. Well more specifically your teleportation device to bring them all to these coordinates. (Jeannie hands Linkara a slip of paper before cutting to see Film Brain and Mike J working out the kinks in a crossover before being cross wipe faded away. Then cut to E-Rod's apartment as Lazarus is being cross wipe faded away. Then cutting to The Nostalgia Critic coming in and going through his daily ritual of looking at the empty coffee cup and a picture of Ma-Ti and shedding a tear for his fallen friend before cutting to Malcolm and Tamara waiting in the backroom of the Critic's studio.)
Malcolm: Hey Critic Why do you that...( Malcolm and Tamara are cross wipe faded away before cutting to The Nostalgia Critic)
Nostalgia Critic: Can't I still regret the actions that killed someone who I abused and should've treated well while he was still alive. Malcolm? Tamara? (Nostalgia Critic feels a tingle in him) What's going on?
(Nostalgia Critic shouts "Whoa! Dwah!" as he is cross wipe faded away before cutting to see The Nostalgia Critic, Malcolm and Tamara in a room with Rowdy, Count Jackula, Handsome Tom & 8-Bit Mickey, The Cartoon Hero, The Comic Strip Critic, Marzgurl, Adorkable Rachel, Todd in The Shadows, Angry Joe, Benzaie, Paw & Elisa, Spoony, C.R., Alex DeCourville, Suede, Chris Stuckmann, Luke Mochrie, Cinema Snob, Linkara and The Nostalgia Critic working his way to the front of the crowd as the camera turns to see everyone in Team "The Last of The Americans" and Lea Michele.)
TLOTA: Welcome everyone. (Cut to an office where Senator Michaud played by Rob Walker sits and watches The Nostalgia Critic slamming "The Haunted Mansion" starring Eddie Murphy and Senator Michaud getting angry when an intern played by Rachel Herrick walks in)
Intern: Senator Michaud, I've gotten word that our inside man has infiltrated his duplicate's home and is working on destroying everything.
Michaud: Excellent.
Intern: Are we going too far. I mean one of them have made a B-Level movie that people really like.
Michaud: Oh my dear intern. They control so much already. We're just returning things to the way they used to be. We'll be doing humanity a favor. Why don't you do me a favor and get me a copy of Fishtales from Amazon. (Cut to everyone standing there not believing James)
TLOTA: I know no one here has a reason to either trust or believe me. I hardly believe it myself. But ORAC confirms it. There is a Rift that's slowly destroying all of time and somehow it's connected to the fact that Nostalgia Critic's future temporal energies now reside in Hyper Fan Girl.
Jamietud: Color me skeptical but we need proof.
TLOTA: Exactly why I hotwired the Dream Amplifier and a projector to ORAC in order to project what happened and maybe we can see what happened. Are you ready Critic?
Nostalgia Critic: NO WAY AM I...!
TLOTA: Not you I mean the Critic that's not you but the you that is....
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Oh for the love of Peat Moss. (Hyper Fan Girl angrily walks over and puts the helmet.) Alright ORAC show them what's inside of my noggin! (A grunt of pain is heard as the device is activated and a hologram of "Critic" played by Barney Walker is seen)
"Critic": If you don't recognize me than allow me to introduce myself. Hello I'm The Nostalgia Critic and I remember it so you don't have to. (The Nostalgia Critic's jaw drops as Tamara and Malcolm snicker)
Malcolm: Wow you let yourself go
"Critic" (Audio only): And if my future wife and friend are snickering at how I look...(Cut to the hologram of "Critic")
"Critic": Allow me to show you how you'll be in forty years. (Holographic pics of Malcolm & Tamara played by Fard Muhammad and Sandy Walker are shown as Tamara and Malcolm joining The Nostalgia Critic in their Jaws being dropped.)
"Critic" (Audio only): Now if I have everyone's attention allow me to show you what will happen if the future is not stopped. (Cut to a black screen before showing a decimated city and other images of a Post Apocalyptic world while "Critic" does a voiceover.)
"Critic" (Voiceover): As you can see, the world we knew has been decimated. Internet reviewers have been considered public enemy Number one and most of those who were and are associated with that profession are now lying in unmarked graves. It all started when one of our own went rouge. It was that one that sided with all that we were against that caused a civil war. Those of us who were friends became enemies. Those who we had minor disagreements in certain areas with became battle cries to destroy each other not only on-line but in real life as well eventually every Government united in our destruction. However in their own hubris they trusted the same one who betrayed us to lead the battle. The one was able to unite them and now rules with an iron fist and those who oppose him are thrown out of time and space into The Paradox Rift. Those who would've lived and those who didn't now reside. I felt a measure of responsibility, So I decided to do what I had to do and I went back in time, though I didn't end up where I wanted to but I'm making with what I have (Cut to the hologram of "Critic"). Now that you're here you must find the one who will betray us. Good Luck. (The Hologram shuts off and cuts to James)
TLOTA: So which one of us becomes our Judas, our Brutus and our Benedict Arnold.
Lazarus Dark (Disguised as E-Rod): Well I say we not wait and find the traitor.
TLOTA: Steady there will be plenty of time he or she will reveal herself soon. I can feel it, but for now we've got a Paradox rift to contain if not stop while trying to stop our Governments from crucifying us and of course stop the mad men with dreams of world domination. We can't split up for any reason, not yet anyways. So the question now is "Where do we start?"
TO BE CONTINUED
Thursday, June 25, 2015
The End Of Mankind Part Two
(Scene starts with Hyper Fan Girl looks at herself in total shock and trying not to believe it)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): This can't be happening. I knew ORAC said the coordinates were approximate but this is like shooting for the moon and hitting Pluto instead?! How am I going to convince myself let alone anyone else that I am The Nostalgia Critic and not the nut job that I'm stuck in! Gahh!
Hyper Fan Girl (Audio only): Hey! Over here, look in the mirror. ("Critic" in Hyper Fan Girl turns to the Mirror)
Hyper Fan Girl (M): Hi Critic, it's me Hyper Fan Girl (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): I remember you who you are. How could this have happened? (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror)
Hyper Fan Girl (M): Well you must've been thinking of me in some capacity.(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C):Well to be honest I had a feeling you would want to help. (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror)
Hyper Fan Girl (M): Just not having me host your energies.(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Do you know how what everyone is going to do when I ask them for their help?(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror)
Hyper Fan Girl (M): Maybe you shouldn't be asking everyone of them all at once. Try one and if that one believes you the rest should be a piece of pie.(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Well I can't go to myself. Who can I go to?(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror thinking and coming to a smile before cutting James, Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca ending the tour of the Studio to John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke and Renee Miller)
Eric Kurtzke: For such an unremarkable place you do quite remarkable work.
John Santos: So when do we start?
TLOTA: Well me, Paulo and Rebecca got the ball rolling here in October with my "Top 13 Vampire Movies better than "The Twilight Saga"". I got myself restarted in June of 2013 and now I'm on the path of The Internet Reviewer and you guys barring any problem will begin in April with my review of "Willow"
Renee Miller: You mean that movie with that little guy with Val Kilmer?
Mike Santos: I think you mean Top Gun!
Eric Kurtzke: Well you mistook Warwick Davis for Tom Cruise.
Paulo Fonseca: Well to be honest Warwick is taller than Tom Cruise.
TLOTA: Ooh! Awesome Burn on Cruise!
ORAC (Audio only): ALERT! ALERT! Hyper Fan Girl is outside.
TLOTA: What? (Everyone runs out to see Hyper Fan Girl)
TLOTA: Why are you here and how did you get out of the nuthouse?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): James, I know you think I'm Hyper Fan Girl but it's me. It's The Critic.
TLOTA: Jay Sherman?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): No
TLOTA: Roger Ebert?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): No
TLOTA: Gene Siskel?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): No
TLOTA: Richard Roeper? David Edelstein? A.O. Scott? Michael Phillips? David Denby? Elvis Mitchell? Christy Lemire? Ignatiy Vishnevetsky? Leonard Maltin? Jeffrey Lyons? Joel Siegel? Gene Shalit?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): No not a single one of them. You remember my intro. (Hyper Fan Girl coughs and flawlessly says "Hello, I'm The Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.")
TLOTA: Seriously? (Hyper Fan Girl nods yes) You are "The Nostalgia Critic" ?(Hyper Fan Girl nods yes) I need a moment for this to sink in will everyone excuse me for a moment. (James walks away closing the door to the office building and proceeds to laugh uncontrollably for a good two minutes before walking back to everyone else.) Okay "Critic" if it's really you. Tell me something no one else knows about.
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Well for example you were doing an archeological dig when you found the sword while I ran Kickassia.
TLOTA: Anyone could've talked about it.
Hyper Fan Girl (C): You stole Ma-Ti's Ring after he died.
TLOTA: It was fair game and it was the Ring Of Aeon before Ma-Ti got it.
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Caliverti! That's right. Who else knows about Caliverti?
ORAC (Audio only): It is on the news right now!
TLOTA: What? (Everyone rushes in as scene cuts to E-Rod fresh and fully dressed from his Blockbuster Slumber)
E-Rod: So I've got a Pros vs. Cons before I work on my 200th episode and after that is....(Knock on the door.)
JARVIS: Sir, someone is at the door.
E-Rod: I'm aware JARVIS! (E-Rod goes and opens the door)
E-Rod: Hello.
Lazarus Dark (Audio only): You robbed me of my chance. Now that you're out of your slumber, I shall rob you of everything you hold dear!
E-Rod: SHIT! (E-Rod tries to close the door when a hand stops him before cutting back to see a GNN report and a news reporter played by Carey Denise Moore is on the screen.)
News reporter: Senator Michaud and the coalition he's working with will continue to push the Internet Protection Act until and I quote "The Internet is free from all that is wrong with it." End quote. We will keep up with the latest on his act. And in interesting News an ancient Island appeared from out of nowhere as many have claimed it either as one of two possibilities. The fabled Atlantis or possibly the less well known continent of Caliverti. While the possibility for either is there all we know now for sure is that things are different.(Cut to everyone on the couch)
TLOTA: Look at that.
Paulo: What is it?
TLOTA: ORAC Capture that image and magnify behind the mountain. (Cut to the image on the screen which shows a rift in the sky.)
TLOTA (Audio only): I've seen this before. (Cut to James going into the backroom where a lot of the props and weapons are stored and James grabs his laptop and discovers several more images of the rift in Scotland 1560, The day James saved the world from the plot hole and in an image of Caliverti the day Everyone saved Caliverti before cutting to James and everyone on team "The Last Of The Americans)
TLOTA: I've got no other choice. ORAC! Contact Rowdy and then any and everyone available in Channel Awesome, Manic Expression,The Reviewerverse anywhere and everywhere because we're gonna need all the help we can get. (Cut to E-Rod removed of his Blockbuster Buster powers inside a fridge and E-Rod's Hammer in Lazarus' hand.)
Lazarus Dark (Audio only): You need not worry too much. (Cut to Lazarus transforming into an E-Rod duplicate)
Lazarus Dark: By the time your legion find out it'll be too late. (Lazarus closes the door)
TO BE CONTINUED
Hyper Fan Girl (C): This can't be happening. I knew ORAC said the coordinates were approximate but this is like shooting for the moon and hitting Pluto instead?! How am I going to convince myself let alone anyone else that I am The Nostalgia Critic and not the nut job that I'm stuck in! Gahh!
Hyper Fan Girl (Audio only): Hey! Over here, look in the mirror. ("Critic" in Hyper Fan Girl turns to the Mirror)
Hyper Fan Girl (M): Hi Critic, it's me Hyper Fan Girl (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): I remember you who you are. How could this have happened? (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror)
Hyper Fan Girl (M): Well you must've been thinking of me in some capacity.(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C):Well to be honest I had a feeling you would want to help. (Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror)
Hyper Fan Girl (M): Just not having me host your energies.(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Do you know how what everyone is going to do when I ask them for their help?(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror)
Hyper Fan Girl (M): Maybe you shouldn't be asking everyone of them all at once. Try one and if that one believes you the rest should be a piece of pie.(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl)
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Well I can't go to myself. Who can I go to?(Cut to Hyper Fan Girl in the Mirror thinking and coming to a smile before cutting James, Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca ending the tour of the Studio to John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke and Renee Miller)
Eric Kurtzke: For such an unremarkable place you do quite remarkable work.
John Santos: So when do we start?
TLOTA: Well me, Paulo and Rebecca got the ball rolling here in October with my "Top 13 Vampire Movies better than "The Twilight Saga"". I got myself restarted in June of 2013 and now I'm on the path of The Internet Reviewer and you guys barring any problem will begin in April with my review of "Willow"
Renee Miller: You mean that movie with that little guy with Val Kilmer?
Mike Santos: I think you mean Top Gun!
Eric Kurtzke: Well you mistook Warwick Davis for Tom Cruise.
Paulo Fonseca: Well to be honest Warwick is taller than Tom Cruise.
TLOTA: Ooh! Awesome Burn on Cruise!
ORAC (Audio only): ALERT! ALERT! Hyper Fan Girl is outside.
TLOTA: What? (Everyone runs out to see Hyper Fan Girl)
TLOTA: Why are you here and how did you get out of the nuthouse?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): James, I know you think I'm Hyper Fan Girl but it's me. It's The Critic.
TLOTA: Jay Sherman?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): No
TLOTA: Roger Ebert?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): No
TLOTA: Gene Siskel?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): No
TLOTA: Richard Roeper? David Edelstein? A.O. Scott? Michael Phillips? David Denby? Elvis Mitchell? Christy Lemire? Ignatiy Vishnevetsky? Leonard Maltin? Jeffrey Lyons? Joel Siegel? Gene Shalit?
Hyper Fan Girl (C): No not a single one of them. You remember my intro. (Hyper Fan Girl coughs and flawlessly says "Hello, I'm The Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.")
TLOTA: Seriously? (Hyper Fan Girl nods yes) You are "The Nostalgia Critic" ?(Hyper Fan Girl nods yes) I need a moment for this to sink in will everyone excuse me for a moment. (James walks away closing the door to the office building and proceeds to laugh uncontrollably for a good two minutes before walking back to everyone else.) Okay "Critic" if it's really you. Tell me something no one else knows about.
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Well for example you were doing an archeological dig when you found the sword while I ran Kickassia.
TLOTA: Anyone could've talked about it.
Hyper Fan Girl (C): You stole Ma-Ti's Ring after he died.
TLOTA: It was fair game and it was the Ring Of Aeon before Ma-Ti got it.
Hyper Fan Girl (C): Caliverti! That's right. Who else knows about Caliverti?
ORAC (Audio only): It is on the news right now!
TLOTA: What? (Everyone rushes in as scene cuts to E-Rod fresh and fully dressed from his Blockbuster Slumber)
E-Rod: So I've got a Pros vs. Cons before I work on my 200th episode and after that is....(Knock on the door.)
JARVIS: Sir, someone is at the door.
E-Rod: I'm aware JARVIS! (E-Rod goes and opens the door)
E-Rod: Hello.
Lazarus Dark (Audio only): You robbed me of my chance. Now that you're out of your slumber, I shall rob you of everything you hold dear!
E-Rod: SHIT! (E-Rod tries to close the door when a hand stops him before cutting back to see a GNN report and a news reporter played by Carey Denise Moore is on the screen.)
News reporter: Senator Michaud and the coalition he's working with will continue to push the Internet Protection Act until and I quote "The Internet is free from all that is wrong with it." End quote. We will keep up with the latest on his act. And in interesting News an ancient Island appeared from out of nowhere as many have claimed it either as one of two possibilities. The fabled Atlantis or possibly the less well known continent of Caliverti. While the possibility for either is there all we know now for sure is that things are different.(Cut to everyone on the couch)
TLOTA: Look at that.
Paulo: What is it?
TLOTA: ORAC Capture that image and magnify behind the mountain. (Cut to the image on the screen which shows a rift in the sky.)
TLOTA (Audio only): I've seen this before. (Cut to James going into the backroom where a lot of the props and weapons are stored and James grabs his laptop and discovers several more images of the rift in Scotland 1560, The day James saved the world from the plot hole and in an image of Caliverti the day Everyone saved Caliverti before cutting to James and everyone on team "The Last Of The Americans)
TLOTA: I've got no other choice. ORAC! Contact Rowdy and then any and everyone available in Channel Awesome, Manic Expression,The Reviewerverse anywhere and everywhere because we're gonna need all the help we can get. (Cut to E-Rod removed of his Blockbuster Buster powers inside a fridge and E-Rod's Hammer in Lazarus' hand.)
Lazarus Dark (Audio only): You need not worry too much. (Cut to Lazarus transforming into an E-Rod duplicate)
Lazarus Dark: By the time your legion find out it'll be too late. (Lazarus closes the door)
TO BE CONTINUED
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
The End Of Mankind Part One
(The Channel
Awesome Mark 2 Logo opening is halfway through the few second run when a missle destroys it and whatever debris is left land on a decimated city with text saying
Channel Awesome in association with Manic Expression productions, Rowdy C
Productions &MadiMaly Entertainment Present. A ChannelAwesome.com
Production. A James Faraci Film as gigantic robots look around and an explosion is seen as a group of people run for a storm door leading to a poorly lit tunnel and an old man played by Barney Walker does a voiceover)
"Critic" (Voiceover): My name has been forgotten for some time now. The only title I remember is "Critic" and I remembered so much especially when it came to how things when came to pass to bring forth The End Of Mankind itself. (The group of people look up as it fades to a starry sky with a gigantic tear in the sky and the tear comes towards the Screen to show the inverse of the sky as everything zooms to the front of the screen as the words "The End Of Mankind" are shown before cutting to credited actors of Doug Walker on top and Barney & Sandy Walker on the bottom, Malcolm Ray on top and Fard Muhammad on the bottom, Tamara Chambers on top and Benjamin Daniels on the bottom, James Faraci on top and Eli Stone on the bottom, John Ross Santos on the top and Mike Santos on the bottom, Eric Neil Kurtzke on the top and Renee Miller on the bottom, Brad Jones on the top and Nash Bozard on the bottom, Chris Lee Moore on the top and Carey Denise Moore on the bottom, Lewis Lovhaug on the top and William DuFresne on the bottom, Mathew Buck on the top and Mike Jeavons on the bottom, Luke Mochrie on the top and John Webber on the bottom, Kaylyn Saucedo on top and Rachel Herrick on the bottom, Mickey Paradis & Tom Hanley on the top and Rob Walker on the bottom, Paul Schuler & Elisa Hanson on top and Noah Antweiler & Stevie Swigart on the bottom, Joe Vargas on the top and Jack Shen on the bottom, Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca on top and James Sullivan & Alex DeCourville on the bottom, Lea Michele on top, Chad Rocco in the middle and Chris Stuckmann on the bottom and Bhargov Dronamraju as Ma-Ti Cameramen: Doug Walker, Rob Walker, Jim Jarosz & Ed Glaser. Lighting & Sound: Justin Barnes, Terrence Dellinger. Special Effects Make up & Make up: Haley Barnes. Music: Michael ‘Skitch’ Schiciano. Orchestrations by Barney Walker, Special Effects: Jim Troken, Marek Wodzinski, Tony Katajisto, Alyssa Raabe, Allen Stephens, Andrew Dickman & David Wenol. Writers: Doug Walker, Rob Walker, James Faraci & Chris Lee Moore. Edited by Doug Walker & James Faraci, Directed by James Faraci. As Portal zooms through to James in a still frame holding the sword as he takes on the plot hole in "The Mighty Crusade".)
"Critic" (Voiceover): Some say that things got rough when one man who called himself "The Last Of The Americans" stood against a plot hole. (Cut to images zooming through moments in "To Boldly Flee" to a still image of Ma-Ti fending off Malachite in "Suburban Knights") Or when an angry South American named Ma-Ti took on an ancient sorcerer named Malachite.(Cut to images zooming through "Suburban Knights" to a still image of The Nostalgia Critic reaching out while getting stomped by everyone involved in the Kickassia invasion in "Kickassia") Or when I tried to take over an acre of land and name it "Kickassia" (Cut to a Still of England as Dr. Insano walks hand in hand with Mary Queen Of Scots in "The Day of The Hero") Or when Dr. Insano was exiled to Scotland to be briefly married to Bloody Mary (Cut through zooming images to a war weary Caliverti from "The Day Of The Hero) Or when we saved an Island Continent near the Galapagos Islands. (Cut to an image less weary Caliverti with a light shattering the grey skies over Caliverti in "The Mighty Crusade.") Twice. (Cut to a black screen) But the truth is...it happened when one of us went rouge. His name is so hated it has been forgotten. (Cut to images of Newspapers with the headlines "Internet Reviewers to be removed from Internet by 2016) He did something so wrong, it caused a total collapse in Society. (Cut to footage of internet reviewers lifeless corpses left to rot and in the pile is James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans.) One of those who were killed was probably the only one who could've stopped this was known only as either James or "The Last Of The Americans" either way he was the one who could have saved us. (Cut back to the group of people in an underground tunnel and the camera moves down the line.) Most of us who survived extinction now are underground with every government agency wishing us destroyed makes me wonder (Camera stops to an aged Nostalgia Critic played by Barney Walker.) How much longer will we survive? Is there any hope? The answer as of now is...no. (A hand comes up behind the aged Nostalgia Critic as a hand comes behind him and he turns the aged Nostalgia Critic.)
"Critic": Malcolm, What did you find? (Malcolm played by Fard Muhammad leads the aged Nostalgia Critic down a corridor)
Malcolm: We found it in an abandoned base. Hopefully we can use it. Tamara, is it working yet? (Cut to Tamara played by Sandy Walker)
Tamara: If it does, it'll be a miracle. (Tamara finds an activation Keycard and sticks it into a familiar looking device) ORAC, Can you hear us? (Sparks fly out of the ORAC console body)
ORAC: Funct..Funct...Functionality is at best minimal. I know what you must do to stop to stop to stop this cccccc catastrophe. It will of course put you in harms waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
"Critic": I don't think I'll survive but it appears we have no choice. (Cut to "Critic", Tamara and Malcolm running from moving lights with ORAC in their clutches as they make it to a base to see a chamber of sorts.)
"Critic": What will this do, ORAC?
ORAC: If it is functional functional functional it will send you back to a moment before all of this began began began began. (ORAC sparks again) Functionality is limited now.
Malcolm: So what should we do?
"Critic" Not we Malcolm. Me. I have to go back, convince everyone I'm not me in the sense that I'm my usual self and get everyone together. ORAC ready the chamber.
ORAC: Unfortunately I can make approx approx approx approximate coordinates through the rift. You might not land in your own bod bod bod bod body.
Robotic guard (Audio only): You are in an restricted area. Surrender immediately!
Tamara: Hurry, Come back soon, hopefully to something better.
"Critic": I will. (Tamara and "Critic" Kiss) See you soon. ("Critic" enters the pod as the door is slammed.)
Malcolm: Okay ORAC, Activate the pod. (ORAC Hums as the Door bursts and Robotic guards stand toe to toe with Malcolm and Tamara as "Critic"'s body is disintegrated into a burst of light and ORAC says quickly "goodbye" and destructs blowing up the base altogether as the blast of white light stays for a few seconds as it fades the camera cuts to a POV shot of someone waking up in a peach colored bedroom.)
A Voice: Where am I? When am I? Why don't I sound like myself? (The body behind my voice finds the day's paper showing it is Mid March 2015 in Chicago.) Well that explains when and where I am but it doesn't explain why I sound female. Female? Oh God no! OH GOD NO! (The body behind the voice runs to a Mirror to discover that the body he's in is in fact "Hyper Fan Girl")
Hyper Fan Girl: AW! FUCK DONKEYS!
TO BE CONTINUED
"Critic" (Voiceover): My name has been forgotten for some time now. The only title I remember is "Critic" and I remembered so much especially when it came to how things when came to pass to bring forth The End Of Mankind itself. (The group of people look up as it fades to a starry sky with a gigantic tear in the sky and the tear comes towards the Screen to show the inverse of the sky as everything zooms to the front of the screen as the words "The End Of Mankind" are shown before cutting to credited actors of Doug Walker on top and Barney & Sandy Walker on the bottom, Malcolm Ray on top and Fard Muhammad on the bottom, Tamara Chambers on top and Benjamin Daniels on the bottom, James Faraci on top and Eli Stone on the bottom, John Ross Santos on the top and Mike Santos on the bottom, Eric Neil Kurtzke on the top and Renee Miller on the bottom, Brad Jones on the top and Nash Bozard on the bottom, Chris Lee Moore on the top and Carey Denise Moore on the bottom, Lewis Lovhaug on the top and William DuFresne on the bottom, Mathew Buck on the top and Mike Jeavons on the bottom, Luke Mochrie on the top and John Webber on the bottom, Kaylyn Saucedo on top and Rachel Herrick on the bottom, Mickey Paradis & Tom Hanley on the top and Rob Walker on the bottom, Paul Schuler & Elisa Hanson on top and Noah Antweiler & Stevie Swigart on the bottom, Joe Vargas on the top and Jack Shen on the bottom, Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca on top and James Sullivan & Alex DeCourville on the bottom, Lea Michele on top, Chad Rocco in the middle and Chris Stuckmann on the bottom and Bhargov Dronamraju as Ma-Ti Cameramen: Doug Walker, Rob Walker, Jim Jarosz & Ed Glaser. Lighting & Sound: Justin Barnes, Terrence Dellinger. Special Effects Make up & Make up: Haley Barnes. Music: Michael ‘Skitch’ Schiciano. Orchestrations by Barney Walker, Special Effects: Jim Troken, Marek Wodzinski, Tony Katajisto, Alyssa Raabe, Allen Stephens, Andrew Dickman & David Wenol. Writers: Doug Walker, Rob Walker, James Faraci & Chris Lee Moore. Edited by Doug Walker & James Faraci, Directed by James Faraci. As Portal zooms through to James in a still frame holding the sword as he takes on the plot hole in "The Mighty Crusade".)
"Critic" (Voiceover): Some say that things got rough when one man who called himself "The Last Of The Americans" stood against a plot hole. (Cut to images zooming through moments in "To Boldly Flee" to a still image of Ma-Ti fending off Malachite in "Suburban Knights") Or when an angry South American named Ma-Ti took on an ancient sorcerer named Malachite.(Cut to images zooming through "Suburban Knights" to a still image of The Nostalgia Critic reaching out while getting stomped by everyone involved in the Kickassia invasion in "Kickassia") Or when I tried to take over an acre of land and name it "Kickassia" (Cut to a Still of England as Dr. Insano walks hand in hand with Mary Queen Of Scots in "The Day of The Hero") Or when Dr. Insano was exiled to Scotland to be briefly married to Bloody Mary (Cut through zooming images to a war weary Caliverti from "The Day Of The Hero) Or when we saved an Island Continent near the Galapagos Islands. (Cut to an image less weary Caliverti with a light shattering the grey skies over Caliverti in "The Mighty Crusade.") Twice. (Cut to a black screen) But the truth is...it happened when one of us went rouge. His name is so hated it has been forgotten. (Cut to images of Newspapers with the headlines "Internet Reviewers to be removed from Internet by 2016) He did something so wrong, it caused a total collapse in Society. (Cut to footage of internet reviewers lifeless corpses left to rot and in the pile is James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans.) One of those who were killed was probably the only one who could've stopped this was known only as either James or "The Last Of The Americans" either way he was the one who could have saved us. (Cut back to the group of people in an underground tunnel and the camera moves down the line.) Most of us who survived extinction now are underground with every government agency wishing us destroyed makes me wonder (Camera stops to an aged Nostalgia Critic played by Barney Walker.) How much longer will we survive? Is there any hope? The answer as of now is...no. (A hand comes up behind the aged Nostalgia Critic as a hand comes behind him and he turns the aged Nostalgia Critic.)
"Critic": Malcolm, What did you find? (Malcolm played by Fard Muhammad leads the aged Nostalgia Critic down a corridor)
Malcolm: We found it in an abandoned base. Hopefully we can use it. Tamara, is it working yet? (Cut to Tamara played by Sandy Walker)
Tamara: If it does, it'll be a miracle. (Tamara finds an activation Keycard and sticks it into a familiar looking device) ORAC, Can you hear us? (Sparks fly out of the ORAC console body)
ORAC: Funct..Funct...Functionality is at best minimal. I know what you must do to stop to stop to stop this cccccc catastrophe. It will of course put you in harms waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
"Critic": I don't think I'll survive but it appears we have no choice. (Cut to "Critic", Tamara and Malcolm running from moving lights with ORAC in their clutches as they make it to a base to see a chamber of sorts.)
"Critic": What will this do, ORAC?
ORAC: If it is functional functional functional it will send you back to a moment before all of this began began began began. (ORAC sparks again) Functionality is limited now.
Malcolm: So what should we do?
"Critic" Not we Malcolm. Me. I have to go back, convince everyone I'm not me in the sense that I'm my usual self and get everyone together. ORAC ready the chamber.
ORAC: Unfortunately I can make approx approx approx approximate coordinates through the rift. You might not land in your own bod bod bod bod body.
Robotic guard (Audio only): You are in an restricted area. Surrender immediately!
Tamara: Hurry, Come back soon, hopefully to something better.
"Critic": I will. (Tamara and "Critic" Kiss) See you soon. ("Critic" enters the pod as the door is slammed.)
Malcolm: Okay ORAC, Activate the pod. (ORAC Hums as the Door bursts and Robotic guards stand toe to toe with Malcolm and Tamara as "Critic"'s body is disintegrated into a burst of light and ORAC says quickly "goodbye" and destructs blowing up the base altogether as the blast of white light stays for a few seconds as it fades the camera cuts to a POV shot of someone waking up in a peach colored bedroom.)
A Voice: Where am I? When am I? Why don't I sound like myself? (The body behind my voice finds the day's paper showing it is Mid March 2015 in Chicago.) Well that explains when and where I am but it doesn't explain why I sound female. Female? Oh God no! OH GOD NO! (The body behind the voice runs to a Mirror to discover that the body he's in is in fact "Hyper Fan Girl")
Hyper Fan Girl: AW! FUCK DONKEYS!
TO BE CONTINUED
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Reality Checkout: The Kardashians
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to a rebooted idea I had toyed around in my first run. Now when I say it's "a rebooted idea I toyed around in my first run" I mean I talked about the subject of Reality Television stars and how much I hate them as much as my associate has his disdain for the Genre altogether in which I agree as to why he does hate it. But this rebooted idea I now have a structure and a title for it so welcome to a segment I now officially call "Reality Checkout" (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James.)
TLOTA: In my first run I had talked about some pretty bad customers in this realm like The Gosselins and the Teutuls of Orange County Choppers and I'll revisit them in a later time but right now if I'm going to reboot the idea for knocking reality television stars back down to earth, I figured I'd talk about some of the biggest ones in the bottom of the pile of human excrement that is Reality Television: The Kardashians. (Cut to clips of "Keeping up with the Kardashians while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): I know everyone wants to find a way to wipe all of them off the face of the earth and I agree with every reason why. Yes, The Kardashians have destroyed so much including my friend's favorite Basketball team, the legacy of former decent human being and former Olympian and science experiment who I will be referring as "Jenner" even their own kin isn't safe from what I've heard Rob Kardashian Jr. their own brother would rather be related to dog snot than his own flesh and blood because he was trying to keep up with his siblings and all it got him was overweight, alone and absolutely miserable and let's not forget the offspring the sister have been producing they've been around cameras all their lives once those cameras are gone their lives will be destroyed eventually and I'll honestly feel bad for those poor kids. But will it matter to the sisters? Probably not, they'd probably be nonchalant as their kids are going down the toilet. As a matter of fact I think Scott Disick will wind up being able to match wits with Brick Tamland by the time they go off the air and as for Lamar Odom, let me give him advice now. Retire and become a commentator on NBA on TNT. But even if they leave as is with Reality TV they'll find something Far, Far, FAR WORSE THAN THEM as is it is the way with Reality TV. Even worse is that when they're gone they would've made enough cash to buy an Island and it's inhabitants, why? Because they ventured themselves into a fortune equal to a foreign countries' gross national product But then there are some positives that will come from their extinction of fame. We could actually see better shows. (Cut to clips of the scripted series "The Flash" while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): If you've seen the series of "The Flash" which was spun off from "Arrow" you'll know why it's so amazing. The characters are more interesting than anything featuring The Kardashians. Why? Because they have real problems, real development, really interesting stories. (Cut to clips of "Keeping up with the Kardashians while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): The Kardashians? What have they done? They do nothing....AT ALL and yet people still watch them because their network's news division think them dropping fecal matter important in terms of entertainment news than a movie that could possibly make enough cash to save themselves from bankruptcy or possibly an independent film maker who makes a movie that makes Hollywood stand up & say "Hey this guy is gonna change How we make movies" or a fan's petition to save a series they loved or see get a DVD and or Blu-Ray release but what dominates the majority of what they discuss as their headlines? ANYTHING INVOLVING THE KARDASHIANS. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA: Now I know everyone on this rock wants to see this family and it's ancestors wiped off the face of the earth. But again there will be worse, in fact there is worse which I will deal with at a later time. But the consensus remains that The Kardashians need to check out of television and just flat out check out. (Cut to an image of everything with the Kardashian name on it in a tote being launched into the heart of the sun before cutting back to James)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The La...(Static interrupts the feed for ten seconds before cutting back to see James having been pummeled into a bloodied pile as the Government Agent played by Eric Kurtzke stands in front of the audience.)
Government Agent: Due to recent events our Government have found James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and all known Internet Reviewers are officially enemies of the state. There for we have ended James Faraci The Last Of The Americans' reviews. Please enjoy the sites that our Government have deemed acceptable and have a nice day. (The Government Agent pulls out his gun and shoots the computer leaving a static feed for two seconds before the Presidential seal appears with a Test Screen sound playing in the background for five seconds before fading to black)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to a rebooted idea I had toyed around in my first run. Now when I say it's "a rebooted idea I toyed around in my first run" I mean I talked about the subject of Reality Television stars and how much I hate them as much as my associate has his disdain for the Genre altogether in which I agree as to why he does hate it. But this rebooted idea I now have a structure and a title for it so welcome to a segment I now officially call "Reality Checkout" (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James.)
TLOTA: In my first run I had talked about some pretty bad customers in this realm like The Gosselins and the Teutuls of Orange County Choppers and I'll revisit them in a later time but right now if I'm going to reboot the idea for knocking reality television stars back down to earth, I figured I'd talk about some of the biggest ones in the bottom of the pile of human excrement that is Reality Television: The Kardashians. (Cut to clips of "Keeping up with the Kardashians while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): I know everyone wants to find a way to wipe all of them off the face of the earth and I agree with every reason why. Yes, The Kardashians have destroyed so much including my friend's favorite Basketball team, the legacy of former decent human being and former Olympian and science experiment who I will be referring as "Jenner" even their own kin isn't safe from what I've heard Rob Kardashian Jr. their own brother would rather be related to dog snot than his own flesh and blood because he was trying to keep up with his siblings and all it got him was overweight, alone and absolutely miserable and let's not forget the offspring the sister have been producing they've been around cameras all their lives once those cameras are gone their lives will be destroyed eventually and I'll honestly feel bad for those poor kids. But will it matter to the sisters? Probably not, they'd probably be nonchalant as their kids are going down the toilet. As a matter of fact I think Scott Disick will wind up being able to match wits with Brick Tamland by the time they go off the air and as for Lamar Odom, let me give him advice now. Retire and become a commentator on NBA on TNT. But even if they leave as is with Reality TV they'll find something Far, Far, FAR WORSE THAN THEM as is it is the way with Reality TV. Even worse is that when they're gone they would've made enough cash to buy an Island and it's inhabitants, why? Because they ventured themselves into a fortune equal to a foreign countries' gross national product But then there are some positives that will come from their extinction of fame. We could actually see better shows. (Cut to clips of the scripted series "The Flash" while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): If you've seen the series of "The Flash" which was spun off from "Arrow" you'll know why it's so amazing. The characters are more interesting than anything featuring The Kardashians. Why? Because they have real problems, real development, really interesting stories. (Cut to clips of "Keeping up with the Kardashians while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): The Kardashians? What have they done? They do nothing....AT ALL and yet people still watch them because their network's news division think them dropping fecal matter important in terms of entertainment news than a movie that could possibly make enough cash to save themselves from bankruptcy or possibly an independent film maker who makes a movie that makes Hollywood stand up & say "Hey this guy is gonna change How we make movies" or a fan's petition to save a series they loved or see get a DVD and or Blu-Ray release but what dominates the majority of what they discuss as their headlines? ANYTHING INVOLVING THE KARDASHIANS. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA: Now I know everyone on this rock wants to see this family and it's ancestors wiped off the face of the earth. But again there will be worse, in fact there is worse which I will deal with at a later time. But the consensus remains that The Kardashians need to check out of television and just flat out check out. (Cut to an image of everything with the Kardashian name on it in a tote being launched into the heart of the sun before cutting back to James)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The La...(Static interrupts the feed for ten seconds before cutting back to see James having been pummeled into a bloodied pile as the Government Agent played by Eric Kurtzke stands in front of the audience.)
Government Agent: Due to recent events our Government have found James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and all known Internet Reviewers are officially enemies of the state. There for we have ended James Faraci The Last Of The Americans' reviews. Please enjoy the sites that our Government have deemed acceptable and have a nice day. (The Government Agent pulls out his gun and shoots the computer leaving a static feed for two seconds before the Presidential seal appears with a Test Screen sound playing in the background for five seconds before fading to black)
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
A second anniversary that's less than "Full Throttle"
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the
statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the
Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season
of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The
Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it,
Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up
on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a
bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British
Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s
Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James
leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews
ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James
punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and
Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with
blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked
then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire
and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the
final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of
the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where
lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from
the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of
the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric
Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his
left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from
the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the
camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of
The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and IT’S
MY SECOND ANNIVERSARY! (Everyone pops out with party favors and confetti as
“Ode To Joy” plays) And you know what? Someone guessed that I’d be reviewing
something I’d never thought of reviewing at all because of one moment at the
end of my first episode of “The Different Cuts” (Show clip of James saying “I’m
James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, That’s my Opinion and the rest of this
year we’re going FULL THROTTLE!” before cutting to see everyone have calmed
down.) That’s right, someone thought I was going to review this! (Cut to title
card of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle as the remix of Charlie’s Angels by
Apollo 440 plays in the background and James does a voiceover over the clips of
the movie)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, kind of surprising but
understandable. “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” isn’t a good movie nor is it
inferior to the first movie which in fact is a continuation of the series that
ran from the 1970’s through the 1980’s and by today’s standards it is schlocky
but for me the series is a fun schlock and is still seen as better than at
least half of what’s on TV nowadays but this movie wasn’t in my sights but
someone kept sending me e-mails saying that they thought this was going to be
my second anniversary review. (Cut to everyone in James’ office.)
TLOTA: But after repeated watching of this movie I now
understand especially after Remembering Shia LaBeouf is in this thing.
Paulo Fonseca: Shia LaBeouf? Aren’t his movies so bad people
actually PAY to see a movie starring Pauly Shore?
TLOTA: Yep
Rebecca Fonseca: Directed by Uwe Boll?
TLOTA: The same one
Eric Kurtzke: Co-Written and co-starring Tommy Wiseau and
Tommy Wiseau is the villain?
TLOTA: You bet.
John Santos: With Rob Schneider as the comedic sidekick?
TLOTA: Oh yeah.
Mike Santos: And Shailene Woodley as the romantic interest?
TLOTA: Oh god yes
Paulo Fonseca: Also co-Written by M. Night Shyamalan?
TLOTA: You are correct sir!
Rebecca Fonseca: With Steven Segal and Adam Sandler as the
Henchman?
TLOTA: Oh Yeah!
Eric Kurtzke: With the soundtrack composed by Rebecca Black
and Alanis Morrissette?
TLOTA: Abso-friggin’-lutely
Renee Miller: Produced by Platinum Dunes and Happy Madison?
TLOTA: And the endless sequels that follow!
Paulo Fonseca: Well we’ve known you long enough to know that
were it up to you “Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” and “The Transformers” movies
would’ve been a whole lot more different.
Rebecca: Plus, We could’ve seen Shia at Burger King flipping
whoppers and we could be laughing at him as the failure of an actor he is!
John Santos: Instead of seeing Christy Romano be there
paying off her Collegiate debts.
TLOTA: Well it doesn’t matter she hates me, she’s married
and that’s the end of it. Now let’s get to see if this movie lives up to the
title it gave itself. This is “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” (Cut to the
movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): As the movie begins in a bar in Outer
Mongolia we see Alex Munday played by Lucy Liu as she tries to rescue U.S.
Marshal Ray Carter played by the T-1000 himself Robert Patrick while Dylan
Sanders played by Drew Barrymore and Natalie Cook played by Cameron Diaz be the
distraction by having Natalie sound Swedish and ride a mechanical bull while
Dylan makes homage to a better movie who’s last installment also had Shia
LaBeouf in it and people still think that Temple Of Doom was MORE Mediocre than
the one WITH Shia LaBeouf in it. But I digress Dylan and Alex try to make a
break for it when a hawk decided to be a Stool Pidgeon! Forcing the Angels to
fly out the window, take an armored vehicle with a Chopper in the trunk but
between a tank and an RPG the Angels think the best solution to the situation
is to fly and to be honest the fluidity of the sequence is great but not as
great as some as I’ve seen. This upsets the mastermind of the operation who
decides to go to Plot Convenience 619: Plan B! After the opening credits
re-introduce the Angels which is totally unnecessary because their characters
was introduced better in the opening credits IN THE FIRST MOVIE! But enough
about that, we soon discover that Natalie and her boyfriend from the first
movie and Alex & Dylan help the two move in but not before this moment (Cut
to showing the Angels dancing to “U Can’t touch this” by M.C. Hammer before
James takes his glasses off and rubbing his forehead and going “UGH” before
cutting back to the movie and James doing his voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Thankfully the move is interrupted as
business calls as they’re called in by who else?
Jason & Pete: Charlie
TLOTA (Voiceover): After being summoned to the office that
had to be rebuilt after being blown sky high in the last movie we meet up with
Bosley played by WAIT A MINUTE?! (Needle scratches a record.) BERNIE MAC?! (Cut
to James physically)
TLOTA: Okay look let’s get one thing straight I do not,
repeat NOT have a bad thing to say about him personally or as a comedian but
WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?! I know Bill Murray is vehemently against being in
sequels after Ghostbusters II but it doesn’t explain why he was a part of both
Garfield movies but that’s beside the point here. Bottom line how do they
explain what’s going on here? (Show the moment Bill Murray’s Bosley image is
shown in the movie and the work “Adopted” with a ding being heard as it cuts to
James physically)
TLOTA: You know something, I watched Kickassia and the
explanation they gave when Spoony reverted from being Insano is something I am
willing to accept but because even though Kickassia left me with a migraine the
answer of “He Got Better” made sense but you know what maybe I’m being too
harsh, who knows maybe Bernie will be funny. (Cut to every clip and Bernie Mac
is sadly NOT funny and the clips end with him crying “This is some Bullshit”
and then cut to James)
TLOTA: You know, I should start expecting something bad whenever
I want something good. (Cut to movie while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Apparently the ring Marshal Carter had
was half of a unique way to keep those who are hidden in “The Witness
Relocation Program” on two encoded rings. One Carter had and the other was by a
brief cameo by Bruce Willis as the look on his face showed he didn’t WANT to be
shot in this movie (Rim shot) when the rings are combined the names of those
hidden are exposed. One victim played by Eric Bogosian was found dead and so
it’s up to Bosley and the Angels to investigate and Oh good fricking grief! (Show
moment when the Angels and Bosley appear as CSI Techs to “Who Are You?” by The
Who as the typed words described which one they’re supposed to be before
cutting to everyone in James’ office with their names as to who they are before
cutting to James getting the words under him reading “Idiot” before grabbing
his double barreled handgun and shoots the title and kills the music as well
before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) After being
escorted in by an officer who I SWEAR TO GOD is played by Sean William Scott
discover their murderer is a surfer. So it’s off to the beach where they meet
with former Angel Madison Lee played by Demi Moore (Cut to a three second cameo
of Chris Lee Moore alias “The Rowdy Reviewer” shouting “NO RELATION!” before continuing
with the movie as James does his voiceover) Meanwhile, Alex has a fantasy as to
what would happen if one or a couple of them decide to move on with their lives
outside of being an Angel and to this movie’s credit it does show what it feels
like to be the one who decided to stay at the same place for too long. But in
the middle of the investigation Alex’s penchant in falling for the wrong guy
leads them to an underground race where the Angels ride with the wrong guy Alex
fell for finds his next target before he gets casted as Sam in the
“Transformers” movies. That’s right this is how we’re introduced to Shia’s
character Max at an underground bike race. However The Thin Man played once
again by Crispin Glover AKA Marty’s Dad from the first “Back To The Future”
movie saves Max’s life and in turn ruins all hope of Cinematic salvation.
Congrats Crispin you must be so proud of yourself! But as they investigate the
corpse they discover one photo in particular that was next on the guy’s hit list.
Natalie: Helen Zass? (Shows Alex the photo with the Name
Helen Zass as it is a stock photo of Drew Barrymore’s character Dylan from the
intro of the first movie as the camera pans over to Dylan and then cutting to
James physically saying “WHUUAAAAT?”)
TLOTA: No seriously What on God’s green earth is going on
around here? (Cut to the movie while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Why is someone who is SUPPOSED to be in
Witness Relocation working as a Private Investigator? Unless you’ve gotten extensive
surgery to basically be recognized by either your fingerprints or DNA check,
getting a job in Law enforcement either in the public or private sector is a
bad idea all around! Ugh either way, Apparently Helen or Dylan or Whoever the
hell she is got recruited by Charlie at the behest of the chief of The FBI and
what was the reason behind her being in Witness Relocation? She hooked up with
Of Course the bad guy! (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of
Course” before cutting back clips of the movie as James continues his
voiceover.) This is Seamus O’Grady played by Justin Theroux and she witnessed a
bad thing Seamus did and she sent him to Maximum Security Prison. So what
exactly is the Angels’ next step? Find out what The Thin Man’s motives are,
protect Max at all costs, Find out who has the Rings, secure the rings, go to
the Winchester, grab a pint and wait for the whole thing to blow over. (Cut to
James physically)
TLOTA: Wait I think I have “Shaun Of The Dead” on the brain.
I need a break to get my head on right.
Mike Santos (Off screen): When has it ever been on right? (A
loud audible THWACK is heard and Mike yells OW!)
TLOTA: Thank you!
John Santos (Off screen): No problem buddy.
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American
Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the
slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial
break intro and return act to the review as clips of the movie play as James
does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So while Dylan was telling them
her/Helen’s backstory Seamus in a “Cape Fear” style moment is released and
given her info. Meanwhile Bosley decides to paint a big ass bulls-eye on Max by
sending him to Compton! All while the Angels get backstory on The Thin Man a
character that doesn’t need backstory as told by Carrie Fisher. (Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA: Seriously Carrie First “Jay & Silent Bob Strike
Back” and now “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” what’s up with you being a Nun?
(Cut to clips of the movie play as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): But after The Thin Man leaves a clue at
the Orphanage that leads to a ship’s pier and a warehouse which just so happens
to be a part of a front for the O’Gradys and the workers that work for them
like to enjoy their down time. So they join The Pussycat Dolls when they were a
Dance Troop and not what I call a “Few Hit Wonder” musically and to be honest,
I needed a cold shower after watching that moment but not after that we got
probably the lamest moment in Bernie Mac’s career. (Show clip of Bernie Mac
trying to be a black Irishman before cutting to the audio of that moment being
replayed as James takes off his glasses, moves the chair out of frame and
proceeds to wipe clean the area of the wall behind him and bang his head on the
same place he did four months ago before cutting back to the movie while James continues
his voiceover) But The Angels get into the warehouse where the Rings are being
stored as Seamus comes in and as he says his lines I feel like I need a
translator! (Cut to every clip of Seamus speaking with mistranslated lines as
James translated the lines as such “Hutt’s The Thrush Ellen”? ”Five the homely
fun ears shoe nose to”? “I hot sue hey
Ellen av nether haunted to wore”? “File any tray au haunt”? “Guv mi the rinds”?
“Ya can’t Burt me an knee nor Ellen”? “I’m gonna touch you and your fridge the
menning of pen”? “On gun now pill ten, tusk sole Hugh can ear then screan”? “I
recone eyes hat sarse any aire you pace of shine”? Before cutting back to James
doing a voiceover the movie) But they lose the rings to the O’Gradys and after
a fairly good action sequence The Angels regain the rings and bolt out of dodge
but not before Seamus I think threatens Dylan and The Angels I can’t say
definitely because his Irish brough is as thick as Potato Stew. But whatever
Seamus did say to Dylan has scared her so badly she hightails out of Dodge.
Meanwhile the two remaining Angels and Bosley hands the rings to Marshal Carter
when Bosley inadvertently discovers Carter is in on the deal and possibly the
mastermind. So they tail him and get the info “She-Spies” style as we find
Dylan heading as far away from the situation as possible by going to the area
of Mexico in which Tequila is made and hide there but on her way at a café she
is visited by the spirit of Kelly Garrett played once again by Jaclyn Smith who
convinces her that not only to go back to the Angels but also convinced her
that she was worthy of being an Angel for some reason I’ve got no reason why
they threw it into her character arc in this movie outside of Drew Barrymore
being a producer in this movie wanting Dylan to mean something else or
something and they also added in that she figured out who the mastermind truly
is. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And who can it be? Anyone care to bet?
(Cut to the lobby)
John Santos: I’m betting it’s the Marshal.
Mike Santos: I’m betting it’s Max.
Eric Kurtzke: I think if I were a betting man and using this
movie’s ability to setup something with less than intelligent decisions being
made I believe my choice is Madison Lee!
Paulo Fonseca: Are you serious or are you loco in La Cabeza?
Eric Kurtzke: Think of the scene where Madison and The
Angels meet for the first time. (Cut to the clip Eric mentioned while doing a
voiceover.)
Eric Kurtzke (Voiceover): You can tell by the color of the
Bikinis, the foreshadowing dialogue in Cantonese of the two of them saying
“Bring It On”. (Cut to the Lobby)
Eric Kurtzke: It is the most logical choice.
Rebecca Fonseca: Well, if I trust your judgement. I’ll side
with you and so will Paulo.
Paulo Fonseca: And if he’s wrong.
Rebecca Fonseca: We’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it.
Renee Miller: Same here, I’m going with Eric’s choice! (Cut
to James doing a voiceover clips of the movie)
TLOTA: And it appears as Natalie and Alex have got Marshal
Carter where they want him as he’s killed by the true mastermind of this whole thing……..MADISON
LEE! (Dramatic musical sting as scene cuts to John and Mike Santos groan and
Renee Miller, Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca and Eric Kurtzke Celebrate in the
lobby.)
Renee Miller: So what did we win? (Cut to James in his
office)
TLOTA: Nothing, No money was at stake, No actual wager was
made. It was just me jokingly asking and I can’t play the clip of Mark Hamill
as The Joker shouting about having to explaining the joke so there was no joke
being made because it’s been four months since I last used it and according to
Internet Reviewers union mandate if I use the same gag more than once in six
months than it’d cost me quite a bit of cash. (Everyone groans in sadness as
James shouts “SHUT UP!” then goes back to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): So Dylan tries to sneak attack but winds
up slammed into the wall. The three confront Madison who now sports twin gold
plated desert eagles sends the Angels back to heaven as it were and Madison
makes her way to the office. There we get some backstory as to why she is the
way she is and then Charlie (Show clip of Madison destroy the speakerphone) is
relieved of making more Angels. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And you know makes this moment even harder to make a
joke about was the fact that this John Forsythe’s final role before he passed
away. I feel bad about that. (Cut to The movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile the Angels recover from being
shot thanks to custom made bulletproof vests and piece together what Madison is
up to with the data hidden in the rings. So it’s up to disguise and deception
to get rid of at least 95 percent of the gangsters except for the O’Gradys who
find themselves in a brawl alongside Madison Lee against the Angels, but help
comes from an unlikely source (Show clip “The Thin Man” opening a can of
Whoop-Ass on the O’Gradys alongside the Angels) That’s right! Crispin Glover’s
“The Thin Man” is working WITH the Angels to put the O’Gradys until Seamus
plays Shish-kabob with the guy. So while Natalie is duking it out with Madison,
Seamus and Dylan end their past once and for all! All thanks to the letter E!
Meanwhile after being constantly unfunny in this movie Bosley plays baseball
with the bomb and blasts it out of the park. After shaking off Alex & Dylan
Natalie and Madison have a brief battle and it looks like Madison is about to
send an angel to be with Charlie until from out of nowhere Dylan and Alex
double team Madison and all three angels united send Madison Lee the former
Angel straight to hell! No I’m not even kidding. She fires a shot in the dark
hoping to kill them after falling through the floor hitting a gas line and
explodes into a fiery chasm straight to the depths of hell!
Dylan: She is SO fired!
TLOTA (Voiceover): With the rings finally secured and the
bad guys dealt with, The Angels go to a movie premiere that was so poorly
set-up I swear Uwe Boll wrote this set-up. (Cut to the ending in which Dylan is
alone as Natalie and Pete decide to get a puppy, Alex’s dad is Okay with her
being a Private Investigator and she reunites with Jason and everyone gets a
happy ending. Before cutting to James physically.)
TLOTA: So that’s Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. A movie
that does NOT live up to its title. (Cut to clips of “Charlie’s Angels: Full
Throttle” with the theme remixed by Apollo 440 while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): The action is finely paced, the acting is
decent even I’ve got nothing bad to say about Shia’s performance this time
around, but the dialogue is dull, the comedy falls flatter than a pancake, and
a lot of the situations feels forced and remember when Lindsay Ellis said that
the first movie made her believe that “Feminism had failed” well had she seen
this one she would’ve believed that this franchise has failed and that failure
is what haunted the revival series made a few years back. Yeah there was an
attempt to revive the franchise again a few years ago and failed miserably and
we can thank the sequel that tried to send the Angels to where they had to go
“Full Throttle” but instead forced the gas right out of its engine. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and (A
Knock on the door is heard) that’s my opinion. One second. (James walks to the
front door to discover WWE Superstar Sheamus is at the front door.)
Sheamus: So you had a problem with the Irish Brough now
didn’t ya? Well, allow me to educate ya! (James takes a Brough Kick to the face
knocking him to the floor and Sheamus proceeds to beat James into hamburger.)
John Santos (Off-Screen): Hey Fella! (Cut to John on top of
the couch dressed as “The Real American Homeboy)
John Santos: Get ready to feel the fury of THE REAL AMERICAN
HOMEBOY! (John takes a flying leap as Sheamus takes a step back and grab John
by his Ponytail)
Sheamus: Let me tell ya something “Real American Homeboy” Do
ya know what’s at the end of a Pony’s tail? YOU YA HORSE’S ASS! (Proceeds to
swing John by his Ponytail and toss him into Mike Santos & Rebecca Fonseca who
were about to attack Sheamus dressed as The Twelfth Doctor and Clara Oswald and
Paulo Fonseca and Renee Miller dressed as the Tenth Doctor and Martha Jones.
Eric Kurtzke tries the Vulcan Nerve Pinch only for Sheamus to grab Eric’s hand
and dislocate his right arm. James gets back up and Sheamus has his hands on
his throat only for James to croak out something.) What did ya say? Your American
is as piss poor as your attempt to be funny making fun of me accent ya sack of
shite.
Lea Michele (Audio Only): What my boyfriend is saying is the
following! (Sheamus drops James to turn around and see Lea Michele)
Lea Michele: ORAC! Delta level defense.
ORAC (Audio only): Unfortunately Delta levels can be
obtained by aiming a Sonic Screwdriver at the target in question.
Sheamus: And it’s a shame.
Lea Michele: For you, because guess what I’ve got? Answer: A
Sonic Screwdriver! (Lea Michele aims her Sonic Screwdriver at Sheamus hitting
him with enough electrical current to knock out a thirty ton Rhino and Lea
picks James up)
TLOTA (With a harshness in his voice): Well thanks Lea, One
moment. (James turns away and coughs out the harshness in his voice)
TLOTA: Sorry about that. You have a very good habit of
saving my backside. (James and Lea Kiss)
Lea Michele: Comes with the territory. Oh listen a
Government agent tried to force me into convincing you to shut down production
but I gave him the slip.
TLOTA: Good, but what do we do with him? (Cut to a dumpster
outside of James’ office)
TLOTA (Audio only): On three! One! Two! Three! (Sheamus is
tossed into the dumpster before cutting to James and everyone else.)
Lea Michele: Say How about I take you guys to the Hospital?
Everyone else: Sounds good! (Lea walks and everyone else
limps away from the Dumpster. Cut to the Dumpster as Sheamus sits up and phases
through the Dumpster and morphs into the Government Agent played by Eric
Kurtzke.)
The Government Agent: On this site’s next transmission we
end “The Last Of The Americans” for good and then everyone else will fall!
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
The top 10 funniest fights in Entertainment
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Great entertainment definitely needs the following. Great performances, Great writing, direction, scenery and everything else but sometimes ya gotta slug it out! (Cut to clips of the TGWTG.com Anniversary Brawl while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And sometimes those slugfest slobber knockers can get silly and for this list I'm counting down which of these left me gasping for air in laughter in a pool of my own urine and I'm including fights from TV, Movies, Internet Videos they're all there! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: So get ready to rumble until you laugh your backside off, these are the top 10 funniest fights in Entertainment.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" as the words "The Top Ten Funniest Fights in Entertainment" is shown and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Ten
10) Rocky Balboa vs Thunderlips from Rocky III
TLOTA (Voiceover): There's a reason it tops my "Ridiculous Rocky Moments" list but comes at the bottom of this list, it took itself too seriously. For those who missed that list, here's the gist of the moment Rocky played by Sylvester Stallone decides to take on Pro-Wrestling Champ Thunderlips played by Hulk Hogan for a charity match. The funniest lines come out of Hulk Hogan and the fact I can quote all of the lines in that scene verbatim I know which ones were meant to be funny and which ones were meant to be seriously which unfortunately puts it in the bottom of the list.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Nine
9) All of the best brawls of "The Three Stooges"shorts
TLOTA (Voiceover): Whether they're attacking each other or a group of bad guys these guys know how to take and dish out the slapstick fighting moves like no one else. Some of my favorites have the trio taking on gangsters and once in a while the threesome takes each other on and most of the time they wind up either getting their butts kicked or wind up beating the bad guys stupid these brawls are entertaining and legendary for a reason. They're available on DVD but save your money if the shorts with Joe Besser is a part of the collection.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Eight
8) Borat vs Azamat from "Borat"
TLOTA (Voiceover): The contentious relationship between Borat played by Sacha Baron Cohen and Azamat played by Ken Davitan really came to a head when the duo stop off at a hotel on their way to California. Azamat finds Borat's "Baywatch" book and then the two come to blows Buck ass nude and not only do the two trash the hotel room they're staying at, not only does Borat use the Camera as a weapon, the two of them make their way to a convention about some political fundraiser and the two continue their fight in the nude in the same hotel trying to kill each other as the convention is going on. That is gross out improv comedy 101!
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Seven
7) The Newscaster Battle Royale from "Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy"
TLOTA (Voiceover): With Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd, Steve Carell & David Koechner playing Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland and Champ Kind and Vince Vaughn and his group of fellow news anchors and cameos from Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Tim Robbins and groups of anchors the whole bunch of them go at it while throwing every reference. At one point Brick Tamland kills a guy with a trident! While in comparison the sequel tried to up the ante in terms of the brawl it lacked the intensity of the first brawl and that's why The Newscaster Battle Royale from the first "Anchorman" movie makes it worthy of being on my list.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number six
6) The Nostalgia Critic vs The Angry Video Game Nerd "Final Battle"
TLOTA (Voiceover): This one I had to put here because the brawl and the references in it make it funnier than the jokes that were in this and that's not to say the jokes were bad but not that good. Even though they hit each other with everything including the Kitchen sink it does end in a draw and eventually in "To Boldly Flee" they do make peace but this brawl was too good not to put in here!
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky"and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Five
5) Tony Stark vs James Rhodes from "Iron Man 2"
TLOTA (Voiceover): I could've put a lot of brawls from The Marvel cinematic universe but this one tops it for me! With Tony Stark alias Iron Man knowing he's on the verge of death he decides to go bonkers and party like a socialite with a Reality TV show and with Rhodey's career on the line. Rhodey goes to the garage and hijack the Mark II armor and I don't know what makes it funny, the dialogue between Stark & Rhodes, the music, the fact it went on for so long it became so serious by the end but even though it remained humorous throughout the majority of it and makes it worth being on this list.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Four
4) Batman & Robin vs The Joker, Riddler, Penguin and the thugs from "Batman: The Movie" (1966)
TLOTA (Voiceover): This one was chock full of onomatopoeias, crazy flying leaps, kicks and punches and all the while the one liners are flying and everyone is laughing like there is no tomorrow while everyone watches. Even Frank Gorshin who tried to hit Adam West in one scene and accidentally hit the sub busting up his hand and I'm not joking listen to the commentary on the DVD it actually happened the laughter just comes as this fight continues and while Batman & Robin come out victorious
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Three
3) The ending brawl of "Blazing Saddles"
TLOTA (Voiceover): This Brawl is the denouement of the movie. It had the citizens of Rock Ridge shouting "No More taking bullshit lying down". With the bad guys on the run the entire town decided to open a keg of Whoop-Ass! But what makes it on the list is when the fight breaks out into Warner Bros. Studio. That's right it breaks out of Rock Ridge and spills out all over the Warner Brothers lot. It gets into a musical number directed by Dom DeLuise, the commissary of Warner Brothers it gets out of hand and it is so FREAKING Hilarious but why isn't it at the number one spot, well it has a great amount of people rampaging and the humor is spot on but I found two better.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Two
2) Dr. Insano vs The Nostalgia Critic from "Kickassia"
TLOTA (Voiceover): This was one of the better moments in the movie especially seeing as how I'm certain this thing was intentionally meant to be bad but in a funny way but this was the cream of the crop of the funny moments in this thing especially when everyone decides to have Spoony become Insano to drop the Nostalgia Critic who is mad with power at this point seeing as how he believes he is the ruler of the acre sized area he renamed Kickassia and the two duke it out to either free or enslave Kickassia even further but eventually it ends in a stalemate after The Nostalgia Critic kills Santa Christ. But I got a chuckle out of it and makes it worthy of being Number two on my list.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And the number one funniest fight in entertainment is...
1) Donovan vs. Dusty from "The Apple Dumpling Gang"
TLOTA (Voiceover): If you haven't seen this movie, I HIGHLY recommend it! There are great performances by Bill Bixby, Susan Clark, Harry Morgan, Slim Pickens, Tim Conway & Don Knotts. But the cherry on the top of the Sundae comes after Donovan marries Dusty to help ensure that Celia, Clovis and Bobby Bradley has a good guardian so he can get to New Orleans without a problem. But literally minutes after getting married the kids and Dusty celebrate by getting a few snacks and Dusty gets a surprise as a Bed she was looking at was bought by her newlywed husband. Whoops! (Show clip of Dusty getting angry and then trying to beat the tar out of Donovan while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA: Throughout at least 99 & 9/10ths percent in this brawl Donovan is on the run and Dusty is a one woman hurricane going through the bar over a bed!
Donovan: That's it, A Bed?
Dusty: YES! (Donovan holds her hands away from him)
Donovan: The bed happens to be for the kids Dusty. With the nights getting colder they'll need a warmer place to sleep, So I bought the Brass bed for the boys and the smaller bed is for CELIA!
Dusty (Sweetly): Well why didn't you say so in the first place, then we could've avoided this little misunderstanding! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And those were the top ten funniest fights in entertainment. If you got a chuckle out of what I've done then I will admit to doing a great service today by making people laugh. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion, next time is my anniversary review and everyone at Team The Last Of The Americans have to get ready for it! !(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place with his associates running alongside him while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and cut to the actual steps outside the museum as the camera angles perfectly to show the statue as James and his associates runs up the steps and does the pose of the statue with the statue in the foreground.)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Great entertainment definitely needs the following. Great performances, Great writing, direction, scenery and everything else but sometimes ya gotta slug it out! (Cut to clips of the TGWTG.com Anniversary Brawl while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And sometimes those slugfest slobber knockers can get silly and for this list I'm counting down which of these left me gasping for air in laughter in a pool of my own urine and I'm including fights from TV, Movies, Internet Videos they're all there! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: So get ready to rumble until you laugh your backside off, these are the top 10 funniest fights in Entertainment.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" as the words "The Top Ten Funniest Fights in Entertainment" is shown and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Ten
10) Rocky Balboa vs Thunderlips from Rocky III
TLOTA (Voiceover): There's a reason it tops my "Ridiculous Rocky Moments" list but comes at the bottom of this list, it took itself too seriously. For those who missed that list, here's the gist of the moment Rocky played by Sylvester Stallone decides to take on Pro-Wrestling Champ Thunderlips played by Hulk Hogan for a charity match. The funniest lines come out of Hulk Hogan and the fact I can quote all of the lines in that scene verbatim I know which ones were meant to be funny and which ones were meant to be seriously which unfortunately puts it in the bottom of the list.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Nine
9) All of the best brawls of "The Three Stooges"shorts
TLOTA (Voiceover): Whether they're attacking each other or a group of bad guys these guys know how to take and dish out the slapstick fighting moves like no one else. Some of my favorites have the trio taking on gangsters and once in a while the threesome takes each other on and most of the time they wind up either getting their butts kicked or wind up beating the bad guys stupid these brawls are entertaining and legendary for a reason. They're available on DVD but save your money if the shorts with Joe Besser is a part of the collection.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Eight
8) Borat vs Azamat from "Borat"
TLOTA (Voiceover): The contentious relationship between Borat played by Sacha Baron Cohen and Azamat played by Ken Davitan really came to a head when the duo stop off at a hotel on their way to California. Azamat finds Borat's "Baywatch" book and then the two come to blows Buck ass nude and not only do the two trash the hotel room they're staying at, not only does Borat use the Camera as a weapon, the two of them make their way to a convention about some political fundraiser and the two continue their fight in the nude in the same hotel trying to kill each other as the convention is going on. That is gross out improv comedy 101!
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Seven
7) The Newscaster Battle Royale from "Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy"
TLOTA (Voiceover): With Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd, Steve Carell & David Koechner playing Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland and Champ Kind and Vince Vaughn and his group of fellow news anchors and cameos from Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Tim Robbins and groups of anchors the whole bunch of them go at it while throwing every reference. At one point Brick Tamland kills a guy with a trident! While in comparison the sequel tried to up the ante in terms of the brawl it lacked the intensity of the first brawl and that's why The Newscaster Battle Royale from the first "Anchorman" movie makes it worthy of being on my list.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number six
6) The Nostalgia Critic vs The Angry Video Game Nerd "Final Battle"
TLOTA (Voiceover): This one I had to put here because the brawl and the references in it make it funnier than the jokes that were in this and that's not to say the jokes were bad but not that good. Even though they hit each other with everything including the Kitchen sink it does end in a draw and eventually in "To Boldly Flee" they do make peace but this brawl was too good not to put in here!
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky"and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Five
5) Tony Stark vs James Rhodes from "Iron Man 2"
TLOTA (Voiceover): I could've put a lot of brawls from The Marvel cinematic universe but this one tops it for me! With Tony Stark alias Iron Man knowing he's on the verge of death he decides to go bonkers and party like a socialite with a Reality TV show and with Rhodey's career on the line. Rhodey goes to the garage and hijack the Mark II armor and I don't know what makes it funny, the dialogue between Stark & Rhodes, the music, the fact it went on for so long it became so serious by the end but even though it remained humorous throughout the majority of it and makes it worth being on this list.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Four
4) Batman & Robin vs The Joker, Riddler, Penguin and the thugs from "Batman: The Movie" (1966)
TLOTA (Voiceover): This one was chock full of onomatopoeias, crazy flying leaps, kicks and punches and all the while the one liners are flying and everyone is laughing like there is no tomorrow while everyone watches. Even Frank Gorshin who tried to hit Adam West in one scene and accidentally hit the sub busting up his hand and I'm not joking listen to the commentary on the DVD it actually happened the laughter just comes as this fight continues and while Batman & Robin come out victorious
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Three
3) The ending brawl of "Blazing Saddles"
TLOTA (Voiceover): This Brawl is the denouement of the movie. It had the citizens of Rock Ridge shouting "No More taking bullshit lying down". With the bad guys on the run the entire town decided to open a keg of Whoop-Ass! But what makes it on the list is when the fight breaks out into Warner Bros. Studio. That's right it breaks out of Rock Ridge and spills out all over the Warner Brothers lot. It gets into a musical number directed by Dom DeLuise, the commissary of Warner Brothers it gets out of hand and it is so FREAKING Hilarious but why isn't it at the number one spot, well it has a great amount of people rampaging and the humor is spot on but I found two better.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Two
2) Dr. Insano vs The Nostalgia Critic from "Kickassia"
TLOTA (Voiceover): This was one of the better moments in the movie especially seeing as how I'm certain this thing was intentionally meant to be bad but in a funny way but this was the cream of the crop of the funny moments in this thing especially when everyone decides to have Spoony become Insano to drop the Nostalgia Critic who is mad with power at this point seeing as how he believes he is the ruler of the acre sized area he renamed Kickassia and the two duke it out to either free or enslave Kickassia even further but eventually it ends in a stalemate after The Nostalgia Critic kills Santa Christ. But I got a chuckle out of it and makes it worthy of being Number two on my list.
(Cut to images and sounds from "The Three Stooges" shorts synchronized fully to "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky" and plays as the number is show and James does a voiceover the clips mentioned in this part of the countdown)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And the number one funniest fight in entertainment is...
1) Donovan vs. Dusty from "The Apple Dumpling Gang"
TLOTA (Voiceover): If you haven't seen this movie, I HIGHLY recommend it! There are great performances by Bill Bixby, Susan Clark, Harry Morgan, Slim Pickens, Tim Conway & Don Knotts. But the cherry on the top of the Sundae comes after Donovan marries Dusty to help ensure that Celia, Clovis and Bobby Bradley has a good guardian so he can get to New Orleans without a problem. But literally minutes after getting married the kids and Dusty celebrate by getting a few snacks and Dusty gets a surprise as a Bed she was looking at was bought by her newlywed husband. Whoops! (Show clip of Dusty getting angry and then trying to beat the tar out of Donovan while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA: Throughout at least 99 & 9/10ths percent in this brawl Donovan is on the run and Dusty is a one woman hurricane going through the bar over a bed!
Donovan: That's it, A Bed?
Dusty: YES! (Donovan holds her hands away from him)
Donovan: The bed happens to be for the kids Dusty. With the nights getting colder they'll need a warmer place to sleep, So I bought the Brass bed for the boys and the smaller bed is for CELIA!
Dusty (Sweetly): Well why didn't you say so in the first place, then we could've avoided this little misunderstanding! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And those were the top ten funniest fights in entertainment. If you got a chuckle out of what I've done then I will admit to doing a great service today by making people laugh. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion, next time is my anniversary review and everyone at Team The Last Of The Americans have to get ready for it! !(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place with his associates running alongside him while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and cut to the actual steps outside the museum as the camera angles perfectly to show the statue as James and his associates runs up the steps and does the pose of the statue with the statue in the foreground.)
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Rowdy, The Last Of The Americans and a bunch of "Fox Kids" Co-Written by Chris Lee Moore "The Rowdy Reviewer"
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the
statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the
Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season
of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The
Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it,
Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up
on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a
bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British
Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s
Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James
leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews
ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James
punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and
Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with
blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked
then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire
and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the
final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of
the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where
lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from
the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of
the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John & Mike Santos
and The Rowdy Reviewer on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Eric
Kurtzke on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the
0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators
original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with
the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the front door of
the office)
TLOTA (Audio as he zooms past the Camera): HO BOY! HO BOY!
HO JOY! (Cut to James tossing his backpack off his shoulder and over the couch)
TLOTA (excited beyond reproach and looking like he did in
the 1990’s): YES! YES! YES! DON’T LET IT START YET! DON’T LET IT START YET!
DON’T LET IT START YET!
Rebecca (Audio): James, Just so you are aware you are Uno
Loco Bastarda! (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca, John & Mike Santos,
Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke standing at the front door looking like they did
in the 1990’s)
Rebecca: We look freaking ridiculous!
Eric: I never wore clothes like this, it is totally
illogical for me to dress like this!
Renee: Yeah James, I will do certain things for you but
looking this freaking ridiculous is where I draw the line!
John Santos: I don’t know, I kind of like this!
Mike Santos: You would!
Paulo: Besides even I think this stuff is stupid. (Cut to
James on the couch sliding over to his right)
TLOTA: You guys don’t understand it is all part of the
experience. We all act like we got home, Put our belongings down, grab a bite
to eat and get ready to relax in front of the TV.
(Rowdy, wearing a t-shirt that says “Ballpark in Arlington’s
First Opening Day: April 11, 1994,” pops in on to the couch from out of nowhere
via Jeannie blink)
Rowdy: OK, I’m here. What’s this about “Nostalgia Block
Party – Bring your 90s cred?”
TLOTA: What, you thought I was going to leave you out of
this, C’mon it’ll be fun!
Rowdy: What will be fun?
TLOTA: Fox Kids!
Rowdy: Seriously? You dragged me from The Dallas/Fort
Worth/Arlington area of Texas for that? Okay, I’ll join ya.
TLOTA: Cool! (Cut to everyone else)
Renee Miller: Uh The Real question is….
Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, John & Mike Santos: How did
he get here? (Cut to James and Rowdy on the couch)
Rowdy: Jeannie Express! (Cut to Renee, Eric, John and Mike
having inquisitive looks on their faces as Paulo and Rebecca are slightly
frustrated.)
Paulo: The dork has got A GENIE!
Rebecca: And he only uses her to save money on travel
expenses.
Rowdy: And to miniaturize people who question my motives. (Glares
threateningly at Paulo & Rebecca before cutting to everyone else)
Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca: We’ll stop talking now. (Cut to
James and Rowdy on the couch)
Rowdy: Good!
TLOTA: But you know what? Something feels off. Hey The 1990’s
Kid! You mind giving my associate a 1990’s overhaul (Cut to The 1990’s Kid
played by Rebecca’s Fiancé Nick.)
The 1990’s Kid: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE IT’D BE MY
PLEASURE! I DID THE BANG UP JOB ON EVERYONE ELSE ESPECIALLY REBECCA AND NOW
SHE’S SO HOT I’D TOTALLY BANG HER LIKE A DRUM…! (Cut to an hour later with
James and everyone on the couch in the lobby.)
TLOTA: What I think everyone here has forgotten is that like
“The Disney Afternoon”, “Fox Kids” was a warm welcome after both a hard and a
good day at School and a perfect wakeup call on Saturday Mornings for those who
weren’t into what ABC, CBS & NBC had to offer. So if everyone is done
cleaning up the mess from Rebecca’s sudden desire to beat the cousin of the
actual ‘90’s kid into hamburger.
Rebecca: I’m going to be married, I don’t think men should
be looking at me as if they have a chance.
Everyone else except TLOTA & Rebecca: We’re good!
TLOTA: Let’s get started. (Cut to opening credit to the “Fox
Kids” intro, then to James air conducting the music before cutting back to the
intro of “Fox Kids” and then clips of “Fox Kids” shows with James and Rowdy
doing voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voice over): In 1990 the same year “The Disney
Afternoon” got into full swing The Fox Network decided to get in on board by
making their own kid friendly daytime and Saturday Morning line-up with
original programming. Some of what they had to offer was amazing, some not so
much.
Rowdy (Voice over): And as I have said in the past by the
time “The Disney Afternoon” in 1990, the renaissance in Animation was in full
swing and I’m hoping what some of what Fox Kids has to offer is good. (Cut to
everyone on the couch)
TLOTA: Well I think you might like one of the first
offerings “Fox Kids” had to offer with “Bobby’s World” (Cut to the opening
credit of “Bobby’s World” then cut to clips of “Bobby’s World” with Rowdy and
James doing voiceovers)
Rowdy(Voice over): It should be stated that “Film Roman” who
also was producing “Garfield and Friends” at the time worked with Howie Mandel
and his character Bobby from his stand-up routine to make this series happen
and is it me or is Uncle Ted reminiscent of someone. (Show clips of Uncle Ted
before James does his voice over)
TLOTA (voice over): Well he does sound like John Candy but I
don’t think Tino Insana the voice actor for Uncle Ted had John Candy on the
brain when he came up with Uncle Ted and you cannot tell me that the fantasy
sequences Bobby had weren’t the same as most of us when we were Bobby’s age.
(Show clips of Bobby’s fantasies before cutting to James and everyone on the
couch taking a deep breath and going Yeah or saying yes in one way or another
before cutting back to clips of the show with Rowdy and James doing voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voice over): Needless to say I can see why it is
remembered as fondly as it is.
TLOTA (Voice over): But another show that was on around the
same time as less as remembered though it shouldn’t be. (Cut to everyone on the
couch)
Rebecca: Which show was that?
TLOTA: Fox’s Peter Pan & The Pirates (Cut to opening
credit of “Fox’s Peter Pan & The Pirates” then cut to clips of the show with
Rowdy and James doing voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voice over): What can be said about this series The
Nostalgia Critic didn’t say in his “Top Eleven Animated Nostalgic TV Shows” It
really was put together well, so well in fact when it came to a pilot episode,
everyone said “Pilot Episode, Schmilot Episode” You can tell a lot of effort
was put into it, making it closest to the original J.M. Barrie story more so
than the Disney movie.
TLOTA (Voice over): It doesn’t hurt that one of the best
actors to portray Captain Hook in this series as well. (Show clips of “Peter
Pan & The Pirates” of Captain Hook performed by Tim Curry being intercut
with audio of “Rocky Horror Picture Show” as his character Frank-N-Furter as
well as Daniel “Rooster” Hannigan from the 1980’s version of “Annie”, Wadsworth
The Butler from “Clue” saying “Communism was just a Red Herring”, An audio clip
of “King” Chicken from “Duckman” giving his backstory, Pennywise from “IT”,
Dragaunus from “The Mighty Ducks” and Nigel Thornberry in “The Wild
Thornberrys” before James resumes his voice over) That’s right, Tim Curry is
Captain Hook in this series and I swear there cannot be anyone who can be as
incredibly amazing as Captain Hook. (Show clip of Christopher Walken being
Christopher Walken being Captain Hook in NBC’s “Peter Pan Live” before cutting
to everyone on the couch.)
Everyone: Oh yeah, forgot about him.
Rowdy: Either way, you still gotta hand it to Curry that
this was MUCH better than a certain other villain role he had in the 90s… (Cut
to Clip of Kilokahn from “Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad” for five seconds
before cutting back to everyone on the couch) Yeah… THAT. (Cut to clips of
Peter Pan and the Pirates with Rowdy and James doing voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voice over): Regardless, it goes without saying that
this series was awesome and its effort was not wasted!
TLOTA (Voice over): Just like the next series we’re going to
talk about! (Cut to opening credits of Tom & Jerry Kids before cutting to
everyone on the couch.)
Rowdy: Ho boy, figures I’d have to talk about this series.
(Cut to clips of Tom And Jerry Kids with Rowdy and James doing voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): This one has been on my to-review list
for a long time! But in all fairness, there has been a reason why I have yet to
do this series. There isn’t really much to say about it except that it was
Hanna-Barbera’s attempt at making Tom And Jerry seem palatable to a younger
audience when all is said and done it wasn’t their best work.
TLOTA (Voiceover): Dude, that was harsh I mean yeah it
wasn’t as good as the classic shorts but at least this series tried to
re-capture the feel of it and besides we had more than just the shorts
featuring Tom with a Baseball cap and Jerry wearing a bowtie because, even back
then Bowties were cool. We had plenty of other shorts like from… (Cut to intro
in which it plays “Well there’s Spike & Tyke, Droopy and Dripple” before
cutting to everyone on the couch.)
TLOTA: Okay Spike & Tyke I knew about, Droopy, I knew
about but who’s Dripple? (Cut to clips of Droopy and Dripple and then the other
shorts with James and Rowdy doing voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Seriously I had very little idea until I
discovered on-line so take this information with a grain of salt that Dripple
is in fact Droopy’s son! Yeah, we’re told that he is in fact Droopy’s son in
every short they’re in. But despite the lack of serious explanation about
certain things I actually found this series a load of laughs and entertaining
as all get out.
Rowdy (Voiceover): Well, I’m glad you enjoyed this series
but something tells me there had to be, HAD TO BE something better even though
Hanna-Barbera was on its last legs. (Cut to intro of “Pirates Of Dark Water.”
Then cutting to Ash in “Army Of Darkness” shouting “YEAAH BAAABY!” before
cutting to clips of the series with James and Rowdy doing voiceovers.)
TLOTA (voiceover): Is this more to your liking?
Rowdy: Though technically going to ABC after the five part
pilot was seen, it still counts as something on “Fox Kids” and yeah it is more
to my liking. This was something original and had effort put into the story and
the characters like Ren the Prince of this Alien world called Mer, A Monkey
Bird hybrid that missed being in “The Wuzzles” by I think a few years named
Niddler, a pirate who eventually forms a bond with Ren called Ioz and a bar
maiden who happens to be a practitioner of magical arts! (Show clips of Tula
using Magic before cutting to everyone on the couch.)
TLOTA: Hey Rebecca can you do anything like that?
Rowdy: How about you Renee?
Renee: Well I placed a hex on Rusev so he’d lose to John
Cena at Wrestlemania!
Rebecca: I can make men in metal suits get so hot they can
cook popcorn on their chest piece!
Paulo: Rebecca, please I’m right next to you.
Rebecca: And make my brother feel uncomfortable in the
process!
TLOTA & Rowdy (In Unison): You not even trying! (Cut to
clips of “Pirates Of Dark Water” while Rowdy & James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): Needless to say this show was amazing in
all aspects from animation to voice acting to character use.
TLOTA (Voiceover): But surely we need something a little
more lighthearted that even we all like. (Cut to opening credits of “Tiny Toon
Adventures” then clips of the show while Rowdy & James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): NOW WE’RE TALKING! THIS is what “Tom
& Jerry Kids” should’ve been like. “Tiny Toon Adventures!” The show that
STARTED Warner’s run of amazing animated shows in the 90s! With the backing of Steven
Spielberg himself, Warner Brothers Animation Studios took the classic Looney
Tunes characters teaching cartoon lessons to younger modern versions of
themselves like Babs & Buster Bunny(No Relation), Plucky Duck, Hamton Pig, Furball &
Sweetie, Gogo Dodo, Calamity Coyote
& Little Beeper, Byron Basset, Bookworm, Li’l Sneezer, Concord Condor,
Dizzy Devil even Montana Max and probably the most disliked animated character
of all time Elmyra Duff seems to be likable in this series. When there was were
single focused episodes you could tell they were good. When they did short
cartoons with a wraparound narrative or just shorts that didn’t need that were
funny as all get out! THIS is how you re-package the Looney Tunes characters
for the next generation. Unlike some OTHER shows that need not be mentioned...
(Cut to promotional photo of Loonatics Unleashed before cutting back to clips
of Tiny Toon Adventures)
TLOTA (Voiceover): No disagreements here. I absolutely love
the effort used on this series and the fact it won seven Daytime Emmys is
nothing to sneeze at and the fact the people who worked were seasoned veterans
that had a lot of great ideas that really felt genuine to both the kids who
love the new characters and to the adults who enjoyed the Looney Tunes and
somewhere in the middle everyone enjoyed a lot of what this show had to offer as
did the show that succeeded it. (Cut to opening credits of “Animaniacs” then
cut to the scene of “Avatar: The Last Airbender” with that cheering crowd and
the one screaming for so long he foams at the mouth before cutting to clips of
“Animaniacs” while Rowdy & James do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): There is a reason why “Animaniacs” is
near the top of the Nostalgia Critic’s list of Top Animated Nostalgic series
and it is easy to know why. Great animation, great writing, great music and of
course it takes the cake when it comes to the voice actors.
Rowdy (Voiceover): Then of course there was the characters
from the show. As I said in my “Pinky, Elmyra and The Brain” review what was
funny about those shorts was of course when either Pinky or The Brain do
something to self-sabotage their plans of world domination.
TLOTA (Voiceover): Then there’s Slappy Squirrel after
watching her shorts especially “Critical Condition” it’s no wonder she made
your top ten TV snarks.
Rowdy (Voiceover): But I’m sure you liked these birds! (Show
clips of “The Goodfeathers” shorts before cutting to everyone on the couch.)
TLOTA: What are ya saying? Are you saying because I’m an
Italian that I’d automatically like the imitations of Joe Pesci, Ray Liotta and
Robert DeNiro? That you think that I as a New Yorker would be like these
characters even though we’re nowhere NEAR New York City and the Five Burroughs,
IS That what you were saying?
Rowdy: No! No! I’m not saying that, I’m saying you might’ve
liked it because you’re nothing like them and to you they’d be the type of
characters you’d laugh at.
TLOTA: I am nothing like “The Goodfeathers”. Oh, Okay, I got
it now. (Cut to clips of Animaniacs while Rowdy does a voiceover.)
Rowdy (Voiceover): All we can add to what the Nostalgia
Critic has said is that with all the shows it’s a classic that can never be
duplicated at all. (Cut to everyone on the couch)
John Santos: Well, just so you’re all aware I know who the
Nostalgia Critic is and I never saw that “Animated Nostalgic shows” and I have
to ask what topped it?
TLOTA: Well John I’m glad you asked because it just so
happens to be the first DC Comic Book properties made amazingly awesome. (Cut
to end of the 1990’s Batman Animated series opening credits then to clips of
“Batman The Animated Series” while Rowdy and James do voiceovers.)
Rowdy (Voiceover): NOW we’re really getting into the great
material that made Fox Kids amazing. “Batman The Animated Series” under the
direction of Bruce Timm & Paul Dini took advantage of the Popularity of the
Tim Burton movies featuring The Dark Knight and used it to create great
episodes that felt like it came from the source material.
TLOTA (Voiceover): I agree and to say they made Batman and
his gallery of Rogues interesting in probably the understatement of the
century. I mean they took the backstories of some of the goofier villains like
Mr. Freeze and turned them into Greek Tragedies and those led to amazing
stories like with the two part “Two-Face” episode before then we saw Harvey
Dent the D.A. and how he was a good guy but when the two parter that made
Harvey Dent into Two-Face that moment where he added what happened to him and
his parents still one of the most gut wrenching moments in the show’s history.
And it goes without saying that this moment still resonates with Batman shouts
this out. (Show clip of Batman saying “I AM Vengeance! I AM THE KNIGHT!
I…AM…BATMAN!” before cutting to everyone on the couch.)
TLOTA (With a lowered resonance in his voice): Yowza! Hey
did everyone hear me say “Yowza!”?
Rowdy (With a lowered resonance in his voice): I think we
all sound like you now after hearing that. (Everyone else speaks with a lowered
resonance in their voices all say either “Yep” or “Oh Yeah” or “Absolutely”
before cutting back to clips of “Batman The Animated series” with Rowdy and James
sounding normally and doing voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): It goes without saying that this was one
of the highlights in the renaissance of animation.
TLOTA (Voiceover): But that’s nothing because even though
this series was one of DC’s highlights of the 1990’s that didn’t mean the next
series in this programming block which was DC’s competition comic book wise didn’t
mean what they had to offer had to be considered second class. (Cut to the
opening credits of X-MEN The animated series then to clips of X-MEN while Rowdy
and James do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): X-MEN was definitely dark and gritty as
Batman The Animated Series but it also had its “Fred Wolf” Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles moments. (Cut to everyone on the couch)
Rowdy: “Fred Wolf” Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles moments?
TLOTA: Well, take a look at all the moments featuring
Jubilee. (Cut to clips of Jubilee being Jubilee before cutting back to everyone
on the couch going oh yeah and agreeing with what James said before cutting to
the clips of X-MEN while Rowdy & James do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): What was particularly great was its soap operatic
feel especially with the sagas it would have. I still cry at the end of both
The Phoenix Saga and The Dark Phoenix Saga. Plus the episodes that could’ve
been considered filler were as amazing as they were great social allegories
like with the episode “Beauty and The Beast” in which Beast played by George
Buza was able to cure a woman’s blindness and yet while she could see the
gentle soul inside of him, Her dad didn’t like the fact that he’s a mutant but
when a group of Anti-Mutant Human racists kidnap the girl it’s up to Wolverine
played by Cathal J. Dodd who I think is the better Wolverine even better than
Hugh Jackman or Steve Blum in my opinion to discover A) The leader of the
Anti-Mutant Human Racist Group is in fact the son of a mutant and B) Stop an
impassioned Beast from going into them and going to turn them into Anti-Mutant
Human Shish-ka-Bobs for hurting the girl.
Rowdy (Voiceover): And Holy Moly was the animation great.
Not just in the beginning of the show’s run, it actually looks better as the
series progresses and when I check out an episode now a days I find myself
whenever I feel like watching an episode I see how it looks better than the
series that came after this X-Men Series but I think I’ll hold off on reviewing
that series for my own show.
TLOTA (Voiceover): But wait Marvel wasn’t done yet as they
were able to mix traditional 2-D Animation with Computer Generated animation
semi-flawlessly in their next series. (Cut to opening credits of “Spider-Man”
1990’s series before cutting to everyone on the couch.)
Eric Kurtzke: Wait, I thought you didn’t like Spider-Man.
TLOTA: Well, this was before the Sam Raimi movies and all
the bad decisions that made me turn against the Web-Head. (Cut to clips of the
1990’s Spider-Man series while Rowdy and James do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): This was when Spidey was semi responsible
and he knew it and reminded himself of it constantly and the villains were the
reminder of his mistakes, plus this was the first time that every villain was a
legitimate threat plus The way they Introduced The Kingpin was amazing. I had
heard about him but then came Roscoe Lee Browne’s voice. (Cut to clips of
Kingpin being menacing before Rowdy does his voiceover)
Rowdy (Voiceover): But lest we forget about the sagas. From
The Alien Costume three parter, The Neogenic Nightmare saga, The Sins Of The
Father saga, The Partners In Danger Saga, The Six Forgotten Warriors Saga and
finally The Secret Wars/Spider Wars sagas all of them were interconnected and
all of them did everything in their power to make the series as soap operatic
as X-MEN was especially when all the episodes of both shows were directed by
the same guy.
TLOTA (Voiceover): Oh wow didn’t know that about both series
but what else they had somewhat in common was Ron Wasserman as the composer
even though Joe Perry from Aerosmith did the opening theme to the Spider-Man
series but guess what else Ron Wasserman worked on. (Cut to Mighty Morphin
Power Rangers intro before cutting to Daniel Bryan at Wrestlemania 30 and a
full arena of people saying “YES! YES! YES!” before cutting to Rowdy and James
doing voiceovers over clips of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.)
Rowdy (Voiceover): You didn’t think we would forget this series now would ya? Now the most common negative criticism is that it is “Saved By The Bell” meets Godzilla. But tell me this. Did “Saved By The Bell” have Mr. Belding and the gang take on Tokusatsu Monsters? Or Did Godzilla have interesting human characters? HELL NO! Mighty Morphin Power Rangers broke the mold when it came to live action kids shows and we all can’t forget (Show images of Kimberly being Kimberly with “Dreamweaver” by Gary Wright in the background before cutting to James walking off the couch as everyone else is looking at Rowdy with an inquisitive look on their face as James comes back with a bucket of ICE COLD Water and dumps it on Rowdy causing him to try to pummel James before cutting to a black screen with the words “One Hour Later” for one second before cutting to everyone is on the couch and James has minor marks and Rowdy has a lump the size of James palm on his forehead and the two apologizing for the actions both did to each other before James does his voiceover)
Rowdy (Voiceover): You didn’t think we would forget this series now would ya? Now the most common negative criticism is that it is “Saved By The Bell” meets Godzilla. But tell me this. Did “Saved By The Bell” have Mr. Belding and the gang take on Tokusatsu Monsters? Or Did Godzilla have interesting human characters? HELL NO! Mighty Morphin Power Rangers broke the mold when it came to live action kids shows and we all can’t forget (Show images of Kimberly being Kimberly with “Dreamweaver” by Gary Wright in the background before cutting to James walking off the couch as everyone else is looking at Rowdy with an inquisitive look on their face as James comes back with a bucket of ICE COLD Water and dumps it on Rowdy causing him to try to pummel James before cutting to a black screen with the words “One Hour Later” for one second before cutting to everyone is on the couch and James has minor marks and Rowdy has a lump the size of James palm on his forehead and the two apologizing for the actions both did to each other before James does his voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Well there is a reason Power Rangers is
generally seen as what made Fox Kids different from most of what was being seen
and the fact that people still talk about it to this day means that it has done
something truly morphinominal! (Cut to the end of the opening credit before
cutting to everyone on the couch.)
TLOTA: Of course Rowdy since we opened up the can of worms
let’s do some fishing and address the Thirty ton Rhino in the room. (James
pulls out The Megaforce Morpher, pulling out the card designed by Stevie
Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans on it
de-morphing James back to normal)
James Faraci: We have seen the short film “Power/Rangers”
and to be blunt, there was a lot to like but I found more to dislike. I
disliked the fact it did go so dark and basically bastardize the characters I
knew and loved. Making things worse is when the Director had to clarify that
the movie was a parody. To me a parody makes fun of the original source
material while at the same time honors it as humorously as possible. Watching
Zack the Black Ranger get wired on Cocaine and having a Ménage A Trois with
Scorpina & Divatox then taking on North Korea just was about as funny as my
Cardiac Arrhythmia catheter correction surgery. The ONLY dignified thing they
did was acknowledge that what happened to Trini was that she died as a
dignified homage to actress Thuy Trang’s untimely demise. Otherwise bad parody
is never good to watch at all. Chris, you got anything to say.
Rowdy: What? We’re doing this out of character or something?
(James nods his head saying yes) Okay (Rowdy Takes off his hat and glasses)
Chris Lee Moore: Meh, the guy who tried really tried to do
something stupid, and I don’t let it bother me because I knew that would never
get made into a mainstream movie. I say it’s not really worth our time. Save
the rage for those that are REALLY fracking up our childhood in the mainstream
– like Michael Bay and David Goyer, basically Linkara said it best in his
“History Of Power Rangers” episode on “Power Rangers: RPM” If you like it, good
for you. If not I won’t hold it against you.
James Faraci: Cool, I’m glad you’re able to be honest about
it. Now that we’ve said our peace about that thing. Let us never talk about
that movie again. (James pulls out Megaforce Morpher and the card designed by
Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans
while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher morphing James back to The Last Of
The Americans like he did in the 1990’s & Rowdy puts his hat back on and
puts on his glasses.)
TLOTA: Having said all that, let’s move on to something more
lighthearted from that blood sucker to “The Tick”. (Cut to opening credit of
“The Tick” animated series before cutting everyone on the couch)
Paulo: Oh man this show was great!
John & Mike Santos: SPOOOOOOOON!
Eric Kurtzke: Okay!
Renee: DAMN, You got some good taste!
Rebecca: Does anyone really care about this series?
Rowdy: I saw a few episodes of this in order to understand
the live action version of this thing for TV Trash so I’ve got nothing to say.
TLOTA: Well Thankfully I do! (Cut to clips of “The Tick”
animated series while James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): This show is just a great send-up of all
the tropes of the Comic Book industry and how the Superheroes were being seen
in the industry and there was a goofiness to it that played it to the hilt.
Imagine Kick-Ass without the insane violence, swearing and Nicolas Cage. Which
I may review later on this year. But the point is “The Tick” is one of the
funniest cartoons I’ve seen ever known exists. (Cut to Everyone on the Couch)
Rowdy: Well at least this is the last time we dip into
series I’ve already reviewed and or mentioned…. Right?
TLOTA: Well…. (Cut to opening of Masked Rider before cutting
back to everyone on the couch as Rowdy screams in agony)
TLOTA: Hey, Hey, Hey take it easy, take it easy we’ll be
brief about it!
Rowdy: Oh okay then I’ll take this on one more time. (Cut to
clips of “Masked Rider” while Rowdy and James do voiceovers.)
Rowdy (Voiceover): Because I already talked about this,
there isn’t much for me to say except for me to say “Check out my review of
“Masked Rider” on TV Trash.”
TLOTA (Voiceover): And I agree with MOST of what you said in
that review and the fact that the actors, writers, producers and directors and
everyone involved in the series has pretty much decided not put it on top of
their resumes and most involved have pretty much left Hollywood for normal
lives. Means that this series was really not that greatly remembered. (Cut to
everyone on the couch)
Rowdy: Well, that is good news and hopefully the next series
you have in line is better than Masked Rider.
TLOTA: Well how about the animated backstory behind the
comedian that first hosted the revival of “Family Feud”. (Cut to the opening
credit of “Life With Louie” while Rowdy & James do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): “Life with Louie” based on the comedy of Louie
Anderson was about his life as a kid in Minnesota and to be honest I could
relate to this series in a way especially with how unlucky Louie was when he
was a kid and how his family could drive the Pope to Alcoholism.
Rowdy (Voiceover): To me I saw this and thought to myself
how could be jokes about Suburban life in Minnesota be entertaining and then I
remember that the aforementioned Linkara lives in Minnesota and he has a
freaking Spaceship so by contrast “Life with Louie” would’ve been entertaining but
to me it’s just not for me. I would’ve rather read a “Goosebumps” book than
listened to Louie Anderson portray most of the characters.
TLOTA (Voiceover): Well seeing as how you just mentioned
“Goosebumps”.
Rowdy (Voiceover): You didn’t (Show opening credits of
Goosebumps then cut to everyone on the couch)
Rowdy: You did?
TLOTA: Yep.
Rowdy: Cool! (Cut to clips of “Goosebumps” while Rowdy and
James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): Based on the R. L. Stine line of books,
the series was loosely trying to be like “Are You Afraid Of The Dark?” except
for the fact that the stories I read were more scary then the episodes they
based them on.
TLOTA (Voiceover): But I do give the producers of this
series for putting effort into making the episodes as creative as they could be
given the content. Remember the books and the series was meant to be kid
friendly as possible as well as creepy as all get out. Don’t believe us, check
out C.R.’s lists on “Goosebumps”. (Cut to everyone on the couch)
Paulo: But surely they had more than that?
TLOTA: Absolutely. Enter Big Bad Beetleborgs. (Cut to
opening of “Big Bad Beetleborgs” then cut to clips of the show as Rowdy and
James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): I talked about this briefly in my review
of “Masked Rider” and I had said that the adaptation of the Tokusatsu series
Juukou B-Fighter for its first season and B-Fighter Kabuto for the second
season when they re-named the series to “Beetleborgs Metallix” was meant to be
goofy and lighthearted in its execution and there was an energy about it that
kept the show lively.
TLOTA (Voiceover): And you can tell that there was effort
put into making the action very interesting but they really seemed to want to
split the focus between the action and what was going on at the mansion which
had four of the classic Universal characters but they couldn’t use the actual
names of those Universal characters so we have them named FrankenBeans (Rowdy
falsely laughs with a Ha! Ha!), Mums, Wolfgang “Wolfie” Smith (Rowdy falsely
laughs with a Ha! Ha!), and Count Fangula (Rowdy falsely laughs with a Ha! Ha!
Then an audible thwack and OW is heard before James continues his voiceover)
Then we have Flabber! Who looked like the offspring of Elvis and Ronald
McDonald, acted like Jamie Kennedy in “Son Of The Mask” when he was “The Mask”
and gave the kids powers to be the Beetleborgs. But you don’t have to take my
word for it, you can listen to the opening credits of the first season to get
the plot of how things came to be. (Cut to the opening credits as it gives the
exposition of the series before James continues his voiceover) So good you
don’t need to see the pilot but it doesn’t hurt but for all of my ragging on
this thing. I actually liked this series for the fact it felt like Power
Rangers lite but in a good way. The characters were interesting, the battles
were amazing even though they used way too many Adam West Batman style
onomatopoeias for its own good and there was good stories enough to make me
remember Beetleborgs fondly. (Cut to everyone on the couch)
TLOTA: However most of the series put on the Fox Kids
Programming Block are a crapshoot after this.
Everyone else on the couch: Really?
TLOTA: Really, Really.
But we’ll deal with them after the break. But now, let’s do what we did
during commercial breaks. Me I am going to do my homework.
Rowdy: You did your homework.
TLOTA: Yep, That’s my life. Work during the breaks and relax
while working.
Rowdy: Well, I’m going to enjoy my snack.
TLOTA: You held on to that box of Cap’n Crunch since the
1990’s?
Rowdy: Nah, I raided the pantry.
Paulo: Well I’m gonna join James in the “Getting Homework
Done” gang.
Rebecca: We haven’t had homework in a long time. But I’m
gonna get us all a bite to eat as well.
Renee: Well I’m gonna check out the latest on WWE.
Rowdy: Try The Wrestling Mark. His News is always on the
money.
John Santos: I’ll try that out too.
Mike Santos: You’re a dork
John Santos: And Proud of it too!
Eric Kurtzke: Well I’m gonna see what’s gonna happen to in
the next “Star Trek” movie.
Rowdy: You’re a Trekkie?
Eric Kurtzke: Yeah and while James was cleaning up the mess,
I decided it’d be logical to research you and I want to say on behalf of all
Trekkies, I’m sorry you had to deal with “Turnabout Intruder” & “Spock’s
Brain”
Rowdy: Thanks dude.
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top
of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the
commercial break intro and return act to the review as scene begins with
everyone on the couch)
Paulo: So what you’re saying is that after “Big Bad
Beetleborgs”, what “Fox Kids” was showing was either hit or miss.
TLOTA: Pretty Much just take a look at “Godzilla The Series”
(Show opening of “Godzilla The Series” before cutting to clips of the show while
Rowdy and James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): I talked about the classic Hanna-Barbera
series once on “TV Trash” and when I did, people were hoping I would talk about
this series as well and I can see why the fact that this series is based on the
abomination of a movie made in the same year would’ve been a great episode of
“TV Trash” on its own.
TLOTA (Voiceover): Well the fact the people behind the 1998
movie have pretty much said how bad their movie was and has denounced it. Plus
in the forty episodes of this series it has Godzilla taking on Monsters
possibly made by the fallout that created Godzilla and the fact they made
effort in keeping in cannon to the movie makes it slightly better than The
Hanna-Barbera series. (Cut to everyone on the couch)
TLOTA: But The Hanna Barbera series has a nostalgic factor
to it that makes it enjoyable. Unlike Ninja Turtles Abomination.
Rowdy: Not again!
TLOTA: Hey just relax, I’ll do the majority of talking about
it. You don’t need to worry about saying a syllable about it.
Renee: Why is that?
TLOTA: Because Renee, the only thing worse to bear the title
of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the godawful abomination produced by
Michael Bay and Directed by Johnathan Liebesman which is so awful I will NEVER
EVER REVIEW IT! NOT EVEN FOR ALL THE GOLD IN FORT KNOX AND ALL THE TEA IN
CHINA!
Paulo: While you were scaring both Rowdy and Renee I did
some research on what you’re talking about and the only thing that is mentioned
when I cross-referenced The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Fox Kids is Ninja
Turtles…
TLOTA: HO BOY!
Paulo: The Next…..
TLOTA: HERE WE GO!
Paulo: Mutation? (Rowdy turns his head to Paulo with a
demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has
his right hand with defeat on his face as the “Ninja Turtles The Next Mutation”
theme song plays then quickly cuts to the title card of the show before cutting
back to everyone trying to hold Rowdy (who has one arm free and is swinging
away with his baseball bat) back and Paulo has a Garbage Can Lid to shield him
from Rowdy!)
TLOTA: AS YOU’RE ALL WELL AWARE MY ASSOCIATE AND FRIEND WHO
IS TRYING TO PUMMEL A FRIEND AND SOMEONE I WORK WITH INTO HAMBURGER HAS ALREADY
TALKED ABOUT THIS SERIES TWICE. ONCE ON “TV TRASH” AND THE OTHER TIME ON HIS
NINJA TURTLES RETROSPECTIVE SO THERE’S REALLY NO REASON FOR HIM TO TALK ABOUT
THIS SERIES SO I’LL DO THE MAJORITY OF TALKING ABOUT IT! GOOSFRABA! GOOSFRABA!
GOOSFRABA! (Cut to clips of Ninja Turtles Next Mutation as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): And to be honest, I’ve got nothing to say
that my associate hasn’t already said. This is probably the one of the worst
things to have be associated with The Ninja Turtles outside of the 2014 movie
even the crossover with the Power Rangers of that season wasn’t good. This
wasn’t even worthy even being made but it was made and it butt hurt the Turtles
so bad that had it not been for the 4Kids series that came out nearly a decade
after this. It would’ve been possibly the series that killed The Ninja Turtles
for good but thankfully the people behind it did something FAR more superior!
(Cut to title card to “Mystic Knights Of Tir Na Nog” before cutting to everyone
having calmed down and looking with a surprised look on their faces before
cutting to clips of the show while Rowdy and James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): HOLY TOLEDO! WHY DID I MISS THIS? Look at
the effort, the tales taken from Celtic Lore and believe it or not made into
its own Sentai. That’s right, this was all original footage shot on location in
Ireland. This was the effort that should’ve been in “Abomination”!
TLOTA (Voiceover): Well you said it yourself in your Ninja
Turtles Retrospective as Saban felt the Turtles had a built-in audience. The
Mystic Knights didn’t and it suffered which is a real shame because a lot of
everything about it was great ESPECIALLY the story, especially the characters and
especially the care to the source of the characters. But it didn’t help that it
was sandwiched with this (Cut to title of “Young Hercules” before cutting to clips
of the show as James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Considered a poor version of a prequel
series to the Kevin Sorbo series. “Young Hercules” told the tale of Hercules
played by Ryan Gosling as he is trained to harness his powers while befriending
Iolaus and Jason of Corinth at an academy run by Chiron a centaur played by
Nathaniel Lees and the half hour adventures they could fit in and it wasn’t bad
and all but it was a bad idea for them not to renew this series and Mystic
Knights instead of giving us (Cut to “Spider-Man Unlimited” title card before
cutting to clips of the show while Rowdy and James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): Oh come on James, You knew this was on my
“To Review One Day” List for TV Trash. But since I am here, yes I will admit
that this show was doomed from start to finish. Why? Because it was poorly
conceived from The Pilot episode to the half-finished finale.
TLOTA (Voiceover): Well to be honest no one knew whether or
not this series was a continuation of the “Spider-Man” series that had ended
not long before this series began or a new series that took place in another
universe but that’s nothing compared to what Marvel had in store for one of its
final series for Fox Kids. (Cut to everyone on the couch)
John Santos: Are you talking about “Avengers: United They
Stand”?
TLOTA: Dude that series is so bad even Rowdy won’t review
it!
Rowdy: That’s right but this series is just right.
TLOTA: That of course being “Silver Surfer”. (Cut to title
card of “Silver Surfer before cutting to clips of the show while Rowdy and
James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): While the N.E.S. game was hard as all get
out to play that even The Angry Video Game Nerd had a hard time playing.
TLOTA (Voiceover): Understating the obvious on that one.
Rowdy (Voiceover): Shut up! Silver Surfer the animated
series was a gamble that didn’t work but that doesn’t mean it was bad.
TLOTA (Voiceover): And I agree with you. The Animation
blended Cell shaded animation with Computer rendered animation. The character
of Silver Surfer was a Greek tragedy. Sacrificing his past as Norrin Radd
became the herald of Galactus and the adventures The Silver Surfer has slowly
becoming a hero and not just a servant of a god and I wish everyone gave it a
half a chance but not everything can pan out. Such as the next series… (Cut to
opening credits of “Los Luchadores” then to clips of Los Luchadores with Rowdy
doing a voiceover)
Rowdy (Voiceover): Yeah, kind of a weird series but in all
honesty it makes sense. Los Luchadores follows the tale of Masked Wrestlers
Lobo Fuerte, Turbine & Maria Valentine fight their fellow Luchadores in the
ring and take on villains that even Adam West’s Batman and (Shutters) Electra
Elf and Fluffer would consider lame. (Cut to everyone on the couch.)
TLOTA: We saw the review THAT is about as much of “Electra
Elf & Fluffer” we EVER want to see of that series! But as far as Los
Luchadores is concerned I’m willing to wager Dollars to Doughnuts even Hardcore
WWE fans would love this series. (The Wrestling Mark pops in via Genie blink)
The Wrestling Mark: I’ll take that wager.
Rowdy: Wrestling Mark?! What the….? (Everyone else save for
James is shocked to see that The Wrestling Mark looks like Rowdy.)
TLOTA: I take it Jeannie brought you here.
The Wrestling Mark: You bet and I come bearing a message
from your mom Rowdy. She said “Finish up with your friend soon or else she’s
gonna come and drag you home!” Now with that bit of business done and over
with, James give me Los Luchadores.
TLOTA: Sure thing dude. (The Wrestling Mark takes the DVD of
“Los Luchadores” and walks off screen to the right before cutting to clips of
the show as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Regardless “Los Luchadores” was fun,
original for the most part and incredibly entertaining which is more than I can
say for the last series I want to talk about in this review of this programming
block. (Cut to everyone save for James & Rowdy still in shock on the
couch.)
Rowdy: Well what’s wrong with the last series?
TLOTA: Well, it’s not a bad series, it’s just what happens
when “Fox Kids” tried to play “Keeping up with the Joneses” with Digimon! (Cut
to opening title card of “Digimon” then to clips of “Digimon” as Rowdy &
James do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover): If you saw The Nostalgia Critic and
JesuOtaku’s crossover on Digimon The Movie, I can understand why everyone would
dislike the series. But for me this wasn’t a poor man’s Pokemon. It was Fox
Kids’ desperate attempt to say “Hey Look at us! We’re still cool! We’re still
relevant! We’ve got monsters fighting one another! We’re still cool” and that
hurt not only a pretty good show it in essence killed “Fox Kids”.
Rowdy (Voiceover): Actually what happened was a mercy
killing as Disney purchased all the programming of “Fox Kids” and Saban
Entertainment. But like you I don’t blame or hate Digimon. It had good stories,
decent characters and for a dubbed Anime it was well developed and produced and
yes I agree with you about how things went down behind the scenes and what
killed “Fox Kids”. (Cut to everyone on the couch)
Paulo: Well that’s a shame about how things went for “Fox
Kids”.
Rebecca: Do you guys think we’ll ever see a revival?
Renee: Maybe if they did it like a Network like Nickelodeon.
Eric: Maybe an app or a streaming network on line.
Mike Santos: Maybe their own spot on “Netflix”
John Santos: Or We can leave well enough alone and remember
what “Fox Kids” were about.
Rowdy: I agree with John on this! (Cut to clips of “Fox Kids” Programming while
Rowdy and James do voiceovers)
Rowdy (Voiceover): Because there was a lot of great shows, a
lot of decent ones and quite a few stinkers some I’ve reviewed already but
regardless “Fox Kids” was awesome as it was able to last a little longer than
“The Disney Afternoon” because not only did they play the game their own way,
they did it with enthusiasm.
TLOTA (Voiceover): And I can’t disagree with you because we
still remember these shows to this day. The fact most of these series are
available on Streaming Services and DVD releases make it easier to remember all
that was truly amazing about “Fox Kids” and the shows that showed because Fox Kids
are what? (Cut to the end of an opening of an episode with all the characters
in the ad shouting “Fox Kids Is Cool” before cutting to everyone on the couch)
TLOTA: Well guys “Fox Kids” is over, now what? (Rowdy’s mom
pops in via Genie Blink)
Rowdy’s Mom: CHRISTOPHER LEE MOORE, YOU GET HOME RIGHT NOW!
Rowdy: But Mom!
Rowdy’s Mom: No buts, you’ve got homework and chores to take
care of and you’ve got your own series to get back to. (Rowdy’s mom grabs Rowdy
by his ear and drags him out before they pop out via Genie Blink and Everyone
save for James chuckles and Paulo says tauntingly “Rowdy got yelled by his
mommy! Rowdy got yelled by his mommy! Rowdy got yelled by his mommy!” and
proceeds to chuckle as Paulo and Rebecca’s mom comes in and says in Spanish
“Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca, you’ve got to get going too!” with subtitles in
English underneath. Paulo replies in Spanish and subtitled in English “But
Mom!” and Paulo and Rebecca’s mom replies in Spanish and subtitled in English.
“It’ll be your butts if you don’t get moving” and James walks them out the door
and tells everyone else to get going as well as James gets back onto his couch
to take a sigh of relief when HIS mom comes in.)
James’ Mom: JAMES BENJAMIN FARACI, YOU GET HOME RIGHT NOW!
THERE ARE CHORES THAT HAVE TO BE DONE, YOU’VE GOT DINNER TO MAKE AND YOU STILL
HAVE TO GET A SHEET ON YOUR BED! (James’ mom grabs James by the seat of his
pants and drags him home as James shouts “Can I finish this please?” As James
pulls his upper half into frame)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s
my opinion! (James is getting dragged and is screaming Ow! All the way before
The Wrestling Mark comes in on the right.)
The Wrestling Mark: Hey James this would be good if WWE had
co-produced this series and… (Looks around to see no one is there.) Where did
everyone go?!
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